Podcast Summary: The Stacking Benjamins Show

Episode: How to Talk About Money Without Fighting (SB1802)
Date: February 11, 2026
Guests: Douglas & Heather Bonaparte
Host(s): Joe Saul-Sehy, OG, “Joe’s mom’s neighbor Doug”

Episode Overview

This special Valentine's Day-themed episode focuses on one of the most challenging aspects of personal finance: talking about money in relationships—without fighting. Joined by financial experts (and spouses) Douglas and Heather Bonaparte, the hosts dive into the tricky dynamics of financial secrets, healthy communication, and building financial literacy as a couple and family. The tone is light, humorous, and approachable, with lots of personal stories and actionable advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Traditions & Setting the Tone

• The Bonapartes share their unique Valentine's Day tradition: making "love lasagna" together at home, born out of their early days "when money was really tight" ([12:14]).
  • Heather: “It was an expensive lasagna, but it was still less expensive than a prix fixe dinner. But it was also a group activity… cook it together, enjoy it together, have a glass of wine.” ([12:19]–[12:27])
  • Emphasis on shared experiences over expensive gestures.

2. Financial Infidelity: What Is It and Why It Matters

Definition:

• Heather: “A good definition for financial infidelity is doing something that your partner would disapprove of financially and then covering it up. So it’s the conscious act of not telling them.” ([13:26]–[14:25])

Why Small Lies Add Up:

• Heather: “Those little white lies become a behavioral pattern... and then we develop this behavior of lying to our partner, keeping things from them.” ([14:25])
• Doug: “Compounding works both ways. We always talk about it for good behaviors with money, but here it’ll work against you. Small lies become big ones.” ([15:13])

Privacy vs. Secrecy:

• Heather: “There are better ways to achieve that level of personal independence than not telling your partner... such as keeping a separate bank account with a set amount of money for you to do as you please.” ([15:51])
• The Bonapartes use a mutual “check-in number”—any purchase above a set amount requires a conversation. The threshold depends on the couple. ([16:43])

3. Real-Life Consequences: Julia’s Story

• Doug: Shares the story of "Julia," whose partner hid tens of thousands of dollars of debt and legal issues, ultimately putting her in legal and financial jeopardy ([18:25]).
• The panel agrees that financial infidelity can have as disastrous an impact on a relationship as romantic infidelity.

Quote:

• Heather: “It's not to say that it's worse [than romantic infidelity]. We don't know which is worse. But... financial infidelity is as bad, because it can impact your dual livelihood and your ability to break free from a situation.” ([19:47])

4. Fixing the Problem: Pathways Back to Trust

Don't Shame; Collaborate

• Heather: “When we shame our partner, it will have an effect on them—it just might not be the effect we want... that might have the impact of causing them to lie more.” ([21:08])

Shared Willingness is Critical

• Doug: “There needed to be a willingness for both parties... Identifying that both people want to improve is almost the most critical first step.” ([22:03])

5. Healthy Money Conversations

Scheduling Counts

• Both Bonapartes: Money talks should be scheduled intentionally—not during “family rush hour” ([23:07]).
  • Heather: “Time and place matter... Maybe it’s not the right day to be getting into the budget and the numbers.” ([23:08]–[23:37])

Lead with Wins, Not Numbers

• Doug: “The money nerds are gonna have the spreadsheets ready... But what you really want to start with here are the wins, the victories... Look how great we did here. Then get into the constructive stuff.” ([25:41])

Make it Palatable & Routine

• Joe: Shares his and Cheryl’s “money date” technique: 20-minutes, once a week, always with pancakes or wine ([28:01]).
  • Heather: “There’s a critical component... about meeting your partner where they are. If you recognize your partner can only get their attention for 20 minutes—cap the conversation.” ([28:45])

Adapt to Learning Styles

• Doug: Describes a financial advisor who had success by matching his teaching style to his wife’s preference for visual learning ([29:43]).

6. Including Kids in Money Talks

Create “Friction”

• Heather: With kids living in a “frictionless” world (tap-to-pay, Amazon), parents must create moments of waiting and decision-making. “If you lose something, I’m not just gonna go on Amazon and reorder a new one.” ([31:38])

Make Work-Reward Connections

• Doug: “When our oldest was young and asked why we drop mom at the train, I said, ‘Mommy goes to the city so we can have fun on the weekends.’ Work, enjoyment, family–kids can figure out those links.” ([33:14])

Encourage Real Lessons

• Joe: “We would trust our kids with a little more money than maybe they should have... I had to be brave enough to let her buy it—then circle back two weeks later: ‘Remember... you spent your money on this thing. Where’s it at now?’” ([36:09])

7. Self-Reflection Before Couples Work

• Heather: “So much of this is self work before it’s couples work. Understanding your own money stories, your own scripts that you carry from childhood... Only then can we ask: Is this serving me today?” ([38:27])
• “If you are shaming your partner, it just may not have the impact you want...” ([39:58])

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Compounding works both ways–good behaviors or investment returns work for you, but when we think about bad behaviors... it will work against you in profound ways.” — Doug Bonaparte ([15:13])
• “There needed to be a willingness for both parties... Identifying that both people want to improve is almost the most critical first step.” — Doug Bonaparte ([22:03])
• “Time and place matter... when you talk about money.” — Heather Bonaparte ([23:08])
• “Money literacy begins with our values and behaviors.” — Heather Bonaparte ([34:17])
• “It’s so much harder than just saying no, but it’s so much better than saying no.” — Joe Saul-Sehy, on letting kids make money mistakes ([37:06])
• “Great budgeting's fine, but great communication's even better.” — Joe's mom's neighbor Doug (summary takeaway, [58:59])

Key Timestamps

• [12:14] — Bonaparte Valentine tradition: “love lasagna.”
• [13:26] — Defining “financial infidelity.”
• [15:13] — Compounding effects of behavior (good or bad).
• [16:43] — The “check-in number” system for spending.
• [18:25] — The “Julia” story: financial secrets and consequences.
• [21:08] — Don’t shame your partner; effects of shaming.
• [22:03] — Both partners must want to improve.
• [23:07] — Scheduling money conversations intentionally.
• [25:41] — Leading money talks with “wins.”
• [28:01] — “Money date”: 20-minute, weekly conversation.
• [29:43] — Adapting money talks for learning styles.
• [31:38] — Teaching kids about money “friction.”
• [33:14] — Connecting work to rewards for children.
• [36:09] — Letting kids make spending mistakes and learn.
• [38:27] — The importance of self-reflection before couples work.

Style and Tone

• The episode is playful yet sincere, with humor from the hosts and warmth from the Bonapartes. Even serious topics are discussed with empathy and practical optimism. Listeners walk away feeling both educated and encouraged to improve their money relationships.

Takeaways

• Communication about money is more important than spreadsheets or technical details.
• Small money secrets can spiral into harmful “financial infidelity.”
• Schedule regular, positive, and structured money conversations with your partner.
• Align on a “check-in number” for autonomy and transparency.
• Teach kids about money by introducing friction, patience, and value lessons.
• Do the self-work to understand your financial beliefs—“couples work” starts solo.
• Use technology (reminders, apps) to never miss important deadlines.