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Welcome to the Stimpak Podcast. Stimpak is a Haiti focused think tank and interventional ngo. Thank you for listening.

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Okay, welcome back everybody. This is the Stimpak podcast 43 Days to Freedom series. This is day 29 plus, maybe, maybe we'll go a little bit further. So as you may recall, we left off with the morning of day 29. We escaped in the late evening, in the early morning hours, and then were recaptured and put back in our into a different cell. So now we're in room two in the morning, it's, you know, I don't know, maybe 11 o'clock and the morning at this point, I remember it was overcast that morning. Anyway, we get back into our cell and well into this, this new one, Room two. You may recall that I actually started in room two. I was there for like a half an hour or an hour the very first day with my security driver DJ and his buddy Reggie, my other guy, who I didn't really know. And as soon as I got back into that room, as I mentioned before, it was all bizarrely quiet. I think I expected a lot of rage from the guards and it wasn't that they were, they were very much all business, maybe a little bit cowering even because it would appear as though they were all afraid for their own safety or the impact of their failure. So they, they let me escape and someone else, a neighboring gang, recaptured me and, and that makes them all them look bad because it's their job to keep us captive and keep us guarded. So I feel like I'm seeing a little bit of that on their faces. And so I, I get put back into room two and not long after they close the door, DJ grabs me with a look of concern and walks me into the bathroom. I think we close the door and they're all very whispery in there. And like I mentioned in the last episode, he quickly presumes that it was Stephanie's idea and I was trying to protect her and blah, blah. I tell him no, that that was not the case, that, that I, I was leading the escape and it was my choice. And he's certainly disappointed. I think we get interrupted by Chef2Bad Cop who comes in and grabs me and I, I think he takes some of my clothes at that point. I think he takes my, my T shirt and then my undershirt and then walks me out of the room. And I expected him to be a total rage monster at this point in because we, that's like his default character, but he's not doing it. He. He's got that kind of cowering. He's certainly all business. He's not emotional. He may be even a little fearful at. At that moment. Looking back on it. I didn't read it at that moment, but it certainly was unexpected that he was not in an absolute rage fit. So he grabs, Opens the door, grabs me, takes me back into room one. And I'm having a hard time understanding what he's wanting me to do. But eventually I figure. I thought that he was trying to get me to explain how we did it, how we got out the bars and how we bent the bars, but he wasn't. He was asking me to go out the bars again to demonstrate that I. That that's how I got out, or we got out, because they didn't believe that I could fit through those bars. And. But it took me a second to figure that out, and I finally figured out, and I. The. The room has been ransacked since we were in there maybe 12 hours earlier. Everything's been flipped upside down, and I could hardly recognize the room anymore. The sheet that used to be over the window is gone. And then I look out that window, and there's got to be 20 or 30 people standing outside the window, maybe 15ft. And some are right there at the same level as the window, and some are down below on the other side of the. Or below the retaining wall. And then there's an SUV parked out there that I don't recognize with the window down, but it's dark inside, and the person who matters is on the. The passenger side. It's not driving that vehicle, riding in that vehicle. I don't know who's in there, but clearly some sort of big shot. I realized I'm supposed to go out, and so I quickly comply and do the same thing I did before. I turned my back to the bars and stick my head through, and then my arms. And then Bad Cop, who's now on the outside of the building, is like, wait, wait, wait, like, you went too fast. He was supposed to film it for someone, I don't know whom. And he's like, go back in. And I can't go back. And doesn't go that way because, like, your skin gets caught on the bars. So I can't go backwards. I was like, yeah, I. I can go back around. Do you want me to go back around? He's like, no, forget it. So he just kind of half filmed me doing it. And I. So I get back down. I lower myself down, and then they Walk me back into the room. And the, the funny part was once I came out of the bars, I heard the crowd kind of gasp like a. I heard some people say it's true. Like it's real. Like he really did get out through those bars. For whatever reason, they. They doubted that I could fit, but they all saw me do it. And then I get walked back into room two. Shortly thereafter, somebody comes and I might have been down to my boxer briefs at. We kind of remember the embarrassment of that in front of all those people. But anyway, I get. Get put back in that room and I'm told to lay down and, and not move or, you know, they're going to shoot me. I forget it was on my belly or my back. But anyway, I got, I have to lay down. That's my default position now, which is of course, not fun. At some point, DJ comes over and says, hey, you know, you're. You're going to get beaten. And I of course said, yeah, I know, I know it's coming. And at that point I was just hoping that it would, it would only be me. My, my biggest fear at this point is that it. There's going to be. What do you call it, group punishment, right? That everyone here is going to get punished for what I did or what I pushed. Certainly fearful that Stephanie is going to get as much as I'm going to get. But I do my best to try to pull that just on me. In my conversations with the guards, I remember saying that to Chef Rasta at one point and he actually looked relieved when I told him that. Right. And, and latches on to that. And I forget who he went and told that to. I think there was a guard there just kind of with him that he told that to. But at some point I remember him sharing that and that mattering, which was. Was good. They come in and they, they threaten that no one is allowed to look out the window. It was already really dark in there. They have a really thick curtain in that room and it was not moved like it was on our side. It was like that the first day that I went in there and it was still like, like that, that nobody moved their curtain like we did. It was dark anyway. They were reminded that nobody should get close to that window and don't even look out that window. And then we had, I don't know, a lot of soldiers just come form in the room. Everyone except for Bad Cop. Bad Cop doesn't come in. It's Chef Rasta. And everyone else who I've ever seen since I've been there. I glance and see them coming in and I, I know what's happening, and they've got all kinds of stuff in their hands. And it started and I had backed myself up for it, you know, and, and you can do that. I mean, I, I'm a physical guy. I played lots of football growing up and was a boxer in the army. Did lots of hand in combat. I'm familiar with this kind of violence experience. And it's, it's fine, right? Like, I was not fearful of being beaten, if, if that makes any sense, but I really wasn't. I mean, it's nothing we look forward to. And it would have been nice for me to be able to fight back and all those things. It not trying to sound like a tough guy, that I was excited for some violence. I wasn't, but I wasn't terrified either. And they came in with these cables that, you know, I hadn't seen before. And so they, I moved over on my chest and, you know, hog tied with these cords and was. I was expecting that, but I was ready to be, be tied up. What I wasn't ready for was whoever was tying me up knew exactly what they were doing. They, they looped these cords just perfectly so that my wrists and my ankles, so my ankles were, were wrapped, were bound and then my wrists were bound. But they wrapped the cables. It's hard to explain to each other. So that my, my body would kind of curl backwards so that my, my feet and my hands would pull together. But the way they did that was by wrapping the cords through my fingers this way. So the, it's hard to explain. So if these are. My hands are behind my back, the cords are pulling my hands this way. So they're already strapped together. And now the cords are, are just pulling like they're going to slice, you know, through my hands. And then that is somehow connected to my ankles. And I can feel him doing that. Like I can feel the cords going. And I'm trying to get my, my hands out of that, right? I'm. I realize the tension and where it's coming from and trying to wriggle out of it. And he spots me doing that, and he's just kind of going faster to, to battle me a little bit. And just as I think I'm. I'm gonna get free of that, he sticks his foot in my back and cranks the whole thing and just the whole thing comes under tension and I'm stuck, right? And that all of those cables start gouging into my hands and just wrecking my. The nerves. And I really thought that the cords were going right through my skin. It was that much tension. And when that happened, something flipped in my brain. You know, I was, I was ready for the beating. In fact, I was. You know, if you think about why this beating was going down at all, it's a punishment, right? It was a punishment for my escape and a deterrent for future escape and a deterrent to the other captives. And if that's the case, the way that I get out the most successfully is by giving these beaters what they want. And what they want is to feel like they've beaten me, right? And that the torture was successful as a deterrent. And the best way I can do that is by reacting, right? If I play tough guy and fight back or act like it doesn't hurt, which is an extremely tempting thing to do, right? Is not give them what they're looking for. But if I want out of this with all my limbs and I want to protect my eyes and nose and ears and teeth, I need to, I need to look like I'm in pain, right? I need to give it to him. So I'm, I'm ready to. I've. I've thought of some phrases, you know, say and crayole that might engender some sympathy. You know, I know how to say help me or you don't need to do that or you know, that. I forget what else I said, but a handful of. I was talking, right, and yelling, right? It was, I mean, it really did hurt. So it's an easy sell, but that I felt like I was in control until those cords were around my hands and I thought I was, they were just destroying my hands that, you know, I was going to lose my fingers and, and that something flipped and, and I, I was terrified. You know, that was instant panic and I was, I was out of control from, from that point. And I don't know how long that lasted, but it was a long time. You know, I can, I still feel the nerve damage now. It's been over a year. It was, you know, it was a bad, bad couple of moments. Just doing my best to, to protect myself and, you know, protect my eyes and, you know, keep my, my shoulders up high and you know, all the things that you learn hand in hand combat training, but it doesn't work very well when you're hog tied and, you know, eventually it started to die down. I remember at some point being absolutely thrilled when the cord actually broke and I all Of a sudden felt, you know, the tension release on my hands and my back kind of straightened out. And they didn't retie it. They just, you know, kept doing what they were doing. Everybody was getting their kicks in, and then it started to die down. I remember the. The last big kick was from this scumbag. I. I've called Haiti hat It was, you know, the most diabolical dude in there. He was absolutely enjoying himself. And then I remember Chef Rasta called it off, so that's enough. They went over to Stephanie and. And I was thrilled when Chef Rasta said, no, we're not. We're not going to do that. And he waved them off. And that was great. That part was great. My worst fears were assuaged, and then they were gone. And I got to breathe. And everybody asked if I was okay. I said, yeah. I think I put on my tough guy face after that to counter some of my. I don't know if you call it acting, but, you know, overreacting that I was giving to the. To the guards to, I guess, somehow, you know, save some dignity. And then some time passes and maybe once an hour or some. Someone would. Would come in. I. It was. I was seated right by the door because that, you know, that was the most vulnerable spot, right, that they could have quick access to me. And so people would come in and, you know, harass or beat me, somehow take their licks if they weren't in. In the. The melee from before. It was a rough day. And then the climax. Worst part of that day was in the evening. I remember it was dark, and Chef, so bad cop chef 2, walks in and with his signature pistol, and he's his normal rage monster. And I'm, you know, scared to death at this point because I don't know what he's capable of doing. You know, I've seen terrible things from this guy. And he clearly was in trouble because of his failure to keep me incarcerated. And he's clearly in trouble, been in trouble, and. And he's ready to take it out on me now. And so he comes in with his pistol. It's off safety. The safety on the pistol is off. And so he can fire that thing at any second. And, you know, these guys are trigger happy. My rational self does not believe that he's authorized to kill me. At least the last 28 days, I would not have believed he was authorized to kill me. But who knows now, right? I. I know that I've gotten a lot of attention from the higher ups and escape is bad and maybe now they want to be heroes and celebrities by killing an American. You never know. And with that safety off, all bets are off. And so, you know, he's pointing that weapon everywhere from my face to my kneecaps, to my hands to my feet. And he, you know, screaming and he wants me to pay the 100K. And, you know, I start by saying, you know, how am I supposed to get it? You know, and his intensity, of course, just escalates to the point where I say, okay, yeah, oh, I'll get it for you. You know, I'm just trying to get him off my back and get him to calm down and live to fight another day. And, you know, he. He gets his licks in. I remember he was also pistol whipping Stephanie as well. Okay, was. Anyway, it's bad news. He finally leaves and I see him turn the safety back on on this pistol, and I breathe a sigh of relief and he walks out of the room. That was day 29. It was a doozy. I spent the rest of the night just devastated. Don't want to say that I was hopeless at that point, but I was pretty close. I definitely knew that my clock had in many ways restarted and that I. I was not close to going home. That. That's a tough thing to deal with. And my relatively easy living standards in room one were. Have had now dramatically reduced to the terrible living standards. I was now enduring these regular beatings, and I didn't know when those were going to stop. I was in this terrible dark room with no bed, sleeping on the concrete, and I didn't have any clothes anymore. Just one thing after another. It was not better. It was significantly worse and came with a restart button on my timeline. So that was day 29. I'm going to take a breath there. I think. I think that's going to do it for today. Sorry for the heavy. I promise we're close. It's only 43 days of freedom, so we'll definitely have some. Some better days. It gets. It doesn't get worse, I don't think. Well, maybe it does. Thank you guys for sticking it out. I know it's been a heavy couple of episodes. Hats off to you guys. You. You're my people. I appreciate you doing that. I hope if, you know, you've. You've put the time into to listen to this and you've put the time into. To really put yourself in my shoes of somebody who's going through a torture and terror and beatings, and I. I want that to be for something. And I'm hoping that you can each. I'm worried that your empathetic energy is going to become fury toward the gangs. And that's fine and that's appropriate, but I would far prefer your emotional energy go to loving the people that these gangs terrorize and empathize with them. So I, I can emotionally be the surrogate for them. Right? And certainly Stephanie and my other captives can be surrogates for the Haitians that are held in captivity every day. But that's where I want your heart to turn. Right? That's the point of this story, is that you can understand that I was terrorized and tortured for but a small moment and just yards outside my window, those people are still there. A year later, they're still there under the rule of these horrific now internationally funded gangs. And that's where I want your heart to go, is to them. And they are currently being terrorized and beaten and raped and everything you can imagine and kept in the most oppressive environment where they have immense trouble just functioning and getting food and water and medical care and going to school and protecting their children and going to church. They don't get to do any of these things. And, and, and that's every day. That is their life. That is their current reality that they cannot escape. And I don't, I don't want your sympathy it. Except for that reason. Right. I want your heart if. And I don't know how to do that. Right. I don't know how to turn your heart to them. I wish I had a bunch of names and stories of theirs that I could tell you to get your heart to break for them and therefore act. And don't worry, this podcast is headed toward a list of calls to action. Right? You are going to get some go and do's. Fear not. That's a coming once we finish this story. But that's, that's where I hope that you'll help me get you there. Right? That you'll do the emotional work in directing your emotional energy toward that end. Because these people need every bit of help that we can give them. So thank you again for taking the time. I will be back soon. I also have a special episode I recorded yesterday. There was a little bit of bugs with the episode and the technology on the Riverside FM that I record with. I was trying to post that yesterday, but special bonus episode. I did an interview with Stephanie and so I'll. I'll post that also probably right after this one once we get the tech figured out. Anyway, she's awesome and was you know, very brave and willing to do the interview. So anyway, I hope you'll enjoy that. She's amazing. And don't worry, I'm still trying to get others on, especially my wife, but we've been super busy. So thanks for your patience. She'll definitely be back at some point, but thanks. I love you guys. Thanks for your time. Talk to you soon.