← Strategy Hour | Online Marketing for Business Growth
Strategy Hour | Online Marketing for Business Growth
899: Feel in Control: How 4 Minutes Can Transform Your Emotional Health with Tera Wages
00:52:20
How to understand and regulate emotions so that you can be empowered to show up stronger in your personal lives and business.
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- [00:00]
A
This morning, the shame I processed was that I've been exercising, but I'm also eating chocolate continuously. So I have shame that I can't have more self control to balance out all the extra work that I'm doing. And so shame is who we are. It's inherently in us, how we feel like we're showing up.
- [00:21]
B
Welcome to the Strategy Hour podcast brought to you by Boss Project. I'm your host, Abigail Pumphrey, and I'm dedicated to supporting online businesses. I don't believe in one right way to build a business. I'm here to help you build business your way. One that supports not only the life you have, but the life you want. I'm on a personal mission to help you become financially free. I'm taking all the lessons learned as I turned a layoff into a seven figure online business. I'm here to help you prioritize your life every step of the way. Whether you're creating your first digital product, growing an email list, or scaling an already profitable business. Settle in. It's time to talk strategy. Looking for a way to make a difference with your morning coffee? Grab a bag of talitha coffee@bossproject.com Coffee Every purchase helps support survivors of human trafficking. Make every cup count@bossproject.com Coffee today on the show, I'm joined by Tara Wages. She is an inspiring entrepreneur and CEO who spent over a decade in digital marketing working alongside some of the industry's top names. Now, through her work with connection codes, Tara has mastered the art of emotional regulation, transforming it into a powerful tool for building confidence, clarity, and connection. In today's episode, we're diving deep into how to understand and regulate those emotions so that it can empower us to show up stronger in both our personal lives and in our business. This episode is one that I think you will come back to. It really helped me personally start to identify some things I want to be working on in my life and in my business. And I'm hopeful that with the tools we provide that it's going to be a powerful tool in your life as well. Hey, Tara, welcome to the show.
- [02:21]
A
Yes, thank you. I'm excited to be here.
- [02:24]
B
I'm glad you're here as well. I look forward to, like, really diving into this topic. It's one that I don't know. I'm just a big person when it comes to, like, honoring your emotions and what you have going on. I spent a whole lot of years stuffing things down and I would much rather deal with things as they come up I have definitely seen the power of what that looks like, so I'm excited to talk about it. But before we get into today's topic, you have such a cool and powerful story. You came from the digital marketing world and you've worked with some industry giants like Marie Forleo and Amy Porterfield, but you've transitioned your focus into this like, emotional regulation. Can you tell us a little bit about what sparked that shift and how understanding emotions has been a game changer for you?
- [03:16]
A
Absolutely. My husband and I own a video production agency and he is still working with the giants. He is crushing it in the video world and we ran it together for about 15 years. And then in March of 2020, when the world shut down, one of our former clients who is a marketing coach, reached out and said, hey, I have this couple that they were going to come and speak at our event, but I'm going to do it live over Zoom instead. Would you want to join? And honestly, we had nothing better to do, you know, at that time. And so we said yes and we joined in on a Zoom call. Learning from the founders of the connection codes and learning their tools and formula to process your emotions while connecting in your relationships. And it completely changed our lives. I sat there listening to them and again, we've worked with some of the top industry, you know, as you said, giants, just brilliant, brilliant minds who teach incredible things. And listening to the founders, Dr. Glenn and Phyllis teach these tools, I was like, there is nothing else out there like this, this. I've never heard anything like this. And we need to help them get this out into the world. And so I just slowly like inched my way in, started doing some free film work for them and create online courses. And two years ago they asked me to step in as our CEO and partner. And so now I am helping them take this message to the world. And it is just, it's absolutely changed my merits, it's changed my children. But more than that, it's changed me and how I show up in running a business and as an entrepreneur and as a woman that is multifaceted, carrying all of the weight of everyone else on my shoulders.
- [05:17]
B
Yeah, I'm excited to hear more about what that actually means and all of it. I want to know more about this though. I was digging through some of the things you've posting and you mentioned that behind every decision lies emotion and that our productivity and self esteem will suffer when we don't regulate our emotions. Can you walk me through the science of how our emotions influence our business decisions? And behaviors, especially for entrepreneurs like yourself who are managing so much at once.
- [05:54]
A
Yes, absolutely. Before doing this work, I never realized how much an emotion played a role in my just day to day activity. And now I realize almost everything I do, there's an emotion behind behind it. There's an emotion that I'm feeling even right now. You know, I typically wear headphones whenever I'm recording a podc. And I was like, ooh, I'm having fear right now that my mic is too soft or it's not going to be loud enough or that I'm not doing a good job. And so experiencing fear even as we show up, getting dressed, oh, do I need to put on longer earrings? Is this going to look bad? Is there shame? And how I even appear and showing up? And so we are experiencing emotion all day, every day. And the more and more we experience them without recognizing them and processing them, they flood our brains. And so, for example, one of my clients, she was an emotional stuffer and has a high stress job. She was stuffing her emotions and she started breaking out in hives all over her body. She goes to the dermatologist and he's like, this is from stress. There's nothing I can give you. This is stress related. And so now working with her so she can learn how to process and regulate her emotions, her hives have disappeared because she can actually put a name to what is happening in her body. So our emotions fire and then the thoughts around the emotions fire. And that's what leads to our behavior. That leads us to how we are presenting, how we're showing up our confidence level, how we speak to each other, even responding to an email. You know, I got an email recently, I am the host of our podcast, and this woman did not like me on the podcast. She did not connect with who I was as a person, and that is okay. But being able to just hold space for her and kind of honor what she's experiencing without letting it ruin my day and my experience, I can reach out to our partners and be like, ooh, feeling a lot of shame, feeling a lot of hurt that that woman spoke to me this way. And just getting it out of my body helped then reconnect my brain. So I can now show up in my work as the powerful woman that I know that I am and not getting dysregulated in that I relate so.
- [08:18]
B
Much to the woman that you talked about that was stuffing her emotions. I've very much struggled with this the majority of my life and have absolutely seen stress and Burying things come up as physical symptoms, and it's made me incredibly sick in the past. But once you acknowledge it and you start to see the pattern, it is an opportunity to like, do better and, and change things. And I know for me, a lot of it is that acknowledgement and like allowing myself to feel when it comes up rather than pretend it's not happening or distract myself with something else or completely numb out or go to some other behavior to like, try to mask or cope. And a lot of therapy has helped me do that. But I know there's a lot of people here that are listening and they're like, ooh, I know I'm doing that, but I'm missing tools to help me. And I know you have a four minute tool that can help people regulate their emotions and really kind of dig in and help people identify stuff. So would you mind demonstrating how that works?
- [09:31]
A
Yes, yes. Now, I love that you even saying it that way of being able to name it, being able to say it out loud, it really does help you piece it together and process it in a different way. And the issue is that so many people don't even know what they're feeling anymore. We weren't taught how to name what shame feels like in our bodies. And so then we are often weighed down by an emotion like shame because we can't recognize it. We just continue to stay weighed down by it. But actually being able to identify, oh, this is shame. This is what I'm experiencing. I can say it out loud, I can process it, I can co regulate, which is simply for me would be like telling my husband what I'm experiencing. It helps. It reduces the weight of it inside your body and the, the heaviness that it feels. And so that's exactly what Dr. Glenn and Phyllis created. They created, we call it, it's just the core emotion wheel. And it is where we have the eight core emotions. And you go through the wheel and you say the most recent time you felt that emotion. If you can't think of a recent time, you can name a big time you felt the emotion. And if you can't think of a big time, you can make something up. The goal of actually doing the exercise as a habit is to help you relearn what that emotion actually does feel like. So prior to using these tools, my husband, if you asked him if he had any fear, he would have said, I'm afraid of being by myself in a room that's dark, a really big room, an open space. He would have said, that's his only fear once he actually learned what fear felt like in his body and he started processing that fear. He is now actually chasing a dream career that he's had since he was a little kid. He is no longer being weighed down by the fear because he can recognize what it is and he can move forward. And so yeah, I will demonstrate what this looks like and I know you have entrepreneurs on the podcast listenings. I will make as much of it work related. But I also love that you said that your community is multifaceted. Many are married moms with friendships. We are all. All of these external things in our lives affect how we are showing up at work. And that's something that I'm really passionate about of being able to get those things in order so then you can crush your goals. So for me, I feel shame. I have shame who that I am too much. I'm too passionate. I'm too loud. That I'm a turn off for people. I have shame in that. Especially referencing that email that I got recently. I feel guilt. I just ran upstairs to get my headphones for the podcast and my husband was there. He goes, I can't believe you're going to walk past me without giving me a hug. And so I have guilt that I didn't acknowledge him because he always takes time to stop and acknowledge me. I have fear. I have fear in just showing up. How to share if I'm sharing in a way that makes the most sense to people that are listening. I have loneliness. Lonely. I just got back from a trip in New York. So this morning has been all about email, catch up and just lonely. And like I'm the only one that can do this. I wish I had more support in this area. Sad. What's a recent sad? Sad. I have not been sleeping very well and so sadness, tiredness shows up in our body as sadness. So when we. It's what is something missing or damaged. And so good sleep has been missing for me. Hurt. Ooh, business related. I would say hurt. Hurt in a. I'll say that email. Yeah, for sure. I definitely felt a lot of hurt about that. And joy, tons of joy to be on this podcast. Being able to share what we are doing and creating with the world. So lots of joy there.
- [13:39]
B
Oh, that's so beautiful. I. I feel like you've had a lot of practice and there's a lot of people that are listening and they're like, I could not name that emotion that quickly or place it that quickly. And I think a lot of us can like start to go down that road and struggle with connecting to what it is. I know a tool that's helped me do this. You know, you can. You can literally Google emotion wheel and you can find a tool that's. It's not the same in what you're talking about that, like, I love this practice, and I absolutely recommend people go through that. But if you want help feeling like you understand your emotions more often, I know a tool that's helped me. What was an emotion wheel that it, like, really breaks it down. So it'll be like, here's like, the surface level emotion, and then here's four or five that are, like, more descriptive and, like, a more specific emotion. And then I think there might even be a third layer. But you. You can start to see, oh, this is, like, rooted in anger. But it's actually this more specific thing that I have going on. And I noticed when I started looking at that, I was often, like, grouping things together that were not really the same. And it was making my body even confused about how to show up in a situation because I would think I'm really sad. And maybe I was more disappointed or maybe I was feeling more guilty or whatever that feeling is. But I couldn't place it because I had just, like, lumped so many things together that it was confusing for how to react. So I know for me, it's been helpful to, like, dig in a little more. And if you want help practicing that, my suggestion is when you start to feel a big emotion is like, can you name it? And if you can't, can you look at a bunch of feelings and then identify it? I know that's been helpful for me. Has there been any tools that have been helpful for you in naming what you're feeling?
- [15:49]
A
Honestly, this is the tool that I use for sure, in naming what I'm feeling, because these are the core emotions. So oftentimes the other emotions can be more complex. And when one person says, you know, I'm feeling stressed about something, that's a word that we use a lot. Just society is I'm stressed or I have anxiety or things like that. What that looks like to you, it may feel different to me. And even jealousy, that's one that I've been really processing here recently. Jealousy can be a mixture of emotions. It can be a mixture. There's joy in it because you have joy over the thing. It could be fear that you're not going to get the thing, and maybe shame because you did something that held you back. So it could be a mixture of different things. But for someone else, it could be a mixture of other things. And so what Glenn and Phyllis did is they broke down those comple complex emotions and really looked at the neural regions of our brain and based these eight core emotions so they get to the very root. So even when you're feeling disappointment, disappointment can be a mixture of shame and sadness, or it could be a mixture of guilt and sadness, maybe if it was an action that you did. And so being able to get underneath those complex words and getting to the core of, ooh, okay, I feel disappointed in this. What is the sad there? What is the guilt there? And that is why, when you're getting used to processing your emotions, we say when you're doing this exercise that you can make something up. If you aren't in touch with what guilt feels like, you can literally make it up until you can get better at it. My 8 year old son, whenever he would get to the lonely, he would say, I was on a deserted island all by myself. Yeah. And he's never been on an island all by himself. But now when he's doing the core emotion wheel and he gets to lonely, he can tell me the exact moment that day that he felt lonely because he learned how to identify what it felt like in his body and then also just being able to communicate it. So you all heard me process some things that I'm experiencing with work, but the moment that actually changed things for me in doing this work is hearing my husband share with me for the first time his sadness. I had no idea he was even feeling that. He didn't know that he was like his body knew he was feeling it, but he had no idea the words of how to do it. And so this really does teach you the language of emotion and being able to communicate it in a way that many of us were never taught.
- [18:27]
B
Yeah, I know so much of your work really does focus on the relationship aspect of this and marriage, but running a business often is about navigating high stake relationships, like with clients or team members or even family members that you're actively working with in your business. How can the tools you're talking about help those relationships? And how do you apply that to communication?
- [18:56]
A
Yeah, absolutely. I think that's a really great point. In fact, you know, whenever I was joining in this partnership, our business coach and even the attorney writing up the contract, they're like, this is a marriage. You are getting married. And so anyone that's even in a business partnership that's listening, like, you understand that you are treating that relationship as if you are married to each other. So what we do, we just speak in this language. When last week there was a miss with my assistant, she forgot to send out an email that was supposed to be sent out a few days earlier. And then we ended up needing to cancel the event. And so I can just like share with her. You know, I feel a lot of sadness that that did not go out. I feel guilt that I didn't remind you, Fear that it's going to happen again. What do you need for me to support you in that better. So I'm able to communicate with her from my core of what I'm experiencing versus saying, you did a terrible job, you completely did this. And so now we are able to communicate with each other in a way that it's. She doesn't need to become defensive. She. It's not putting her. Like, I'm not putting her down. I'm sharing with her what I am experiencing so we can stay connected with each other without creating more conflict. Because now it's not accusatory. And so. And then also our team personally, but this is the work that we do. We start our team meetings doing the wheel. And so now we are able to actually understand what's happening with each other and how we can support each other better. There have been times with my husband in his company where if he was having a quarterly meeting and there was an issue coming up, his teammates, like he would speak from the core to know how can we support each other, how can we grow while still working towards the same goal. And so the communication, it just changed everything by how we talk to each other.
- [20:55]
B
Yeah, I think that changing the conversation is so huge. Like I think about the times I've really sat down with my spouse and had some of these conversations. A big part of why these things come up is the way we feel emotions and even talk about them is pretty radically different. I think about a situation before taking the next action and often approach things really logically. And not that my husband isn't a logical person, he absolutely is. But he doesn't have a internal dialogue. And so everything is based on how something makes him feel. So he's actually much more in touch with his feelings, though he's not very good at naming them. He just reacts based on them. And so us both acknowledging those things and then being able to sit down and talk about it. But I think one of the areas that helped me most, very similar to what you're saying is that if you can approach it any conflict, any communication situation that you're in with how something made you feel or like the position it put you in, rather than blame. And like projection because it's not helpful. Like it's not going to help be helpful to blow up with that person or put them down or tell them all the things that they did wrong. When you can calmly explain how a situation made you feel, people tend to be a lot more compassionate and understanding and even willing to make adjustments because if they didn't previously understand how something made you feel, they're reacting based on what they think is best in that situation most of the time.
- [22:55]
A
Right. And that's also why we like to use these core words, these basic words. Because when I say to my husband, I feel hurt or I feel sad or I feel lonely, he knows what that feels like. He understands exactly what sadness feels like. Or my teammate, when I say that their bodies understand sadness versus if I say I'm upset. I had someone email not that long ago and say I don't understand. I'm telling him I'm upset. He thought I was angry, but I was just sad. And it's. Well, upset is a complex word. We it feels different to you versus what it can feel to me. And so that is why we really got to the root and the core of being able to share what we're experiencing with each other.
- [23:39]
B
That's really powerful. And I think it brings up a good point that how we experience things can be so radically different. So being able to break it down in a way that's really tangible I think makes a big difference. I keep seeing it happen. You're caught in a loop, waiting for that perfect moment, overthinking every decision and comparing your progress to the curated realities of others online. I've been there too, and I made a shift that changed absolutely everything. It simplified my approach and allowed me to start trusting my intuition again. Truly, everything changed. My business doubled, then doubled again. I rocked $300,000 launches and rolled over 10,000 students in a single course and finally started showing up in a way that felt effortless and aligned. Now I'm sharing those exact tools and strategies in my new three part workshop series, Mindset Reboot. Right now, you can grab it for just $11. Hurry. Visit creativetemplashop.com mindset to find out more. Hiring with Indeed. Your search is over. When it comes to hiring, don't go searching for the 1. Just meet your match with Indeed. Get unparalleled access to job seekers with over 350 million unique monthly visitors globally According to Indeed data and an extended reach through Glassdoor. I love that Indeed makes it easy to hire when we've hired. In the past, the process was full of unqualified applicants. With Indeed, we can target the right candidates for the right position, leveraging over 140 million qualifications and preferences every day. Indeed's matching engine is constantly learning from your preferences, so the more you use Indeed, the better it gets. And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit. To get your jobs more visibility@inn Indeed.com strategy hour, just go to indeed.com strategy hour right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com strategy hour terms and conditions apply. Need to hire you need Indeed. Now, all of this being said, I know there is a whole other tangent of this, that once you have this ability to speak around these topics, it can start to bleed into building self confidence. Because like when you can more confidently communicate how you're feeling, you're going to feel better about the decisions you're making. But I'm curious how you feel like emotional awareness has helped your leadership or your business growth?
- [26:17]
A
Yeah, absolutely. For me, it's because I'm no longer weighed down by them. Where previously shame and fear very much controlled how I showed up in certain business settings, and now that I'm able to recognize, oh, this is shame. Oh, this is fear, it no longer has a hold on me in the same way I'm able to take risks in ways that I wasn't previously. Because now it doesn't just feel like grossness in my body. I used to walk into a room and just felt like a weight on my chest. I would walk into a room and just feel like, nope, you know, the imposter syndrome or resistance to speaking up and using my voice. But now I know, oh, okay, I'm experiencing shame. I feel like I'm not good enough. Oh, okay. I can speak truth into that. I can say, well, where did that message come from? I can now shift show up without being weighed down by the shame. Because before I walked in the door, I can tell Phyllis, I'm feeling a lot of fear about speaking on this stage and be like, oh, I get that. What do you need? Okay, I need to make sure I have my notes. I have my water. Okay, I can now show up in a way that I can feel confident and lead. And it changed the trajectory of my business. Even approaching them about being partners. I would have never done that eight years ago. Fear would have held me back so deeply and now that I can just kind of speak truth to the fear, speak it out loud, it no longer is control of me. I'm in control of it.
- [27:55]
B
I think that's so interesting because I think most people are going to be like, and then what they're going to think if I do this, that's got to be step one. There's got to be 17 more things I have to do to take hold of this. But do you see regulation really as simple as being that acknowledgement?
- [28:14]
A
I see regulation as step one. When you can co regulate, you actually burn 80% more energy or 80% less energy. You save that energy when you're able to co regulate. So whenever I can process my emotion with my husband or with my business partners or with my mom, I now have saved energy. And it does. It gets it out of my body in a way where I can be in more control. And also over time of doing this work, it's helped me to now change my thought patterns around things. So areas of my life that I used to have a lot of shame in, I've now, because I can recognize the shame, over time, I've been able to change my thoughts. So I no longer experience shame in those areas. And so I do think that that really is the power of regulating and co regulating is that the more you do it, the easier it becomes and those emotions don't take as much of a hold on your body. I always love doing the wheel with someone else for the first time because I had someone on our podcast not long ago and he was there to talk about living in a divided world and like how we can communicate with each other when we don't believe different things. And so when people come on, I have them do the wheel for the first time. And he did it. He ended up processing a divorce that had happened like seven years earlier.
- [29:39]
B
Oof.
- [29:40]
A
Yeah. He was like, whoa. He was like, I didn't even realize until I started talking that all of that was still in there. Like I didn't realize how much I needed to get that out of my body. And he's live on my podcast talking about something totally different, but just the shift that even happened in his body and just speaking it helped it to not have as much power anymore.
- [30:03]
B
How do you co regulate though, without burdening someone else? Because I think that would be my fear.
- [30:10]
A
I love this question. No one has asked me this recently.
- [30:14]
B
Oh, why? That's like the first thought.
- [30:18]
A
Yes. So that is a great question. Okay. So for me, I think so much about my marriage, relationship because that was our pattern for so long of. I felt sad that my husband was traveling and he came home. He would feel guilt about it. And then now we're arguing because his guilt was so heavy. And so I felt like I couldn't even have sadness. But now what we teach is that your emotions are your emotions, and my emotions are my emotions. And so now I can understand if Wes comes to me and he's like, oh, I feel hurt. I made a move on you last night and you ignored me. I can see. Like, wow, yeah, that would be really hurtful. Like, I understand that. And so we teach how to. We call it the Ooh. How to ooh each other, which is how to hold safe space for each other, where he very much can feel hurt without it changing my action or by showing me, oh, okay, I could. I could do this a little bit better next time, and I can process my guilt or my shame. But we've found so much healing in our own relationship because he. His emotions are his emotions, and I no longer dictate control, like, have any say over that. It has really given us a lot of power over that with each other. The co regulation or not CO regulation. What's it called? Oh, what's that term now? It's not going to be with me. Codependency. We were so codependent for a long time, and now that is completely shifted by doing this work.
- [31:52]
B
Interesting. The thing that immediately comes up after that is like, okay, I could see myself sharing, and I could see how that could not burden the other person, but. But then I start to get scared, and I. I start to have fear around. Okay, well, if someone were to do that to me and they were gonna talk to me, I am an empath by nature. I could literally see someone get poked in the eyeball on the Internet and my eyes start, like, welling up and watering. Like, I can physically feel other people's pain to the point that it. It has been massively disruptive to my life in many ways. But. So how do I listen and not take on what someone else is sharing?
- [32:36]
A
Yeah, I think that's a really great point. I relate to that a lot. I photographed a birth one time, and I didn't think I was going to make it through because my body was hurting so bad watching this woman in labor. So I totally understand this for us, because we are now processing every day, and there are times in life where the emotion is very, very high. You know, if something happened to my kid, you know, if they get really hurt or Something like that. The emotion is much higher. But because now we are processing continuously, the weight of it is never as strong. And so one of the things that we teach is if I hand you a 500 pound, like, weight, like a barbell, it will crush you. But if I hand you a one pound weight, you could lift that one pound 500 times. And so by doing this and processing every day, now the weight of the emotion is not as heavy. And so when Wes comes to me and says he feels hurt by me, oh, I can handle that. Like, we now can cope with that with each other. Where previously, 10 years ago, if his hurt had come out, well, he's bottled up six weeks of hurt and now he's exploding on me with all of this hurt and I can't hold it. It's too. It's too heavy. Or we're now fighting with each other. And so for us, it's the continual process that makes it not feel so heavy.
- [34:02]
B
That makes a ton of sense. And I can see the value in that. And I think it just illustrates why it's so important that we have to keep doing it. Like, it's not something that you can do once and set down or do the exercise and move on. Like, you have to keep up that work. I know for myself, but for so many listening, they've also struggled at some point, if not currently, with a level of burnout. You know, it's. Burnout is common for entrepreneurs because we could name all the reasons, but it comes up and is there anything in this process that you feel like could either help someone come out of a burnout phase or regulate to avoid the burnout altogether?
- [34:52]
A
I think that's a really great question. One part of what I think about when I think about burnout is how we are going at 100 miles an hour continuously. Like, that's eventually what burns us out. And oftentimes it can feel like it's around our tasks. I have all of these things that I have to get done every single day, and it's dependent on me. But what we don't see that is also contributing to that is the emotion around the task. Today I opening up my inbox after being away for a week, pain, so much pain that now I need to spend the next four hours only responding to emails. Emails, they do bring me joy, and they also don't bring me joy at the same time. But having to do that, being able to see the list, if I only focus on that part, and I don't recognize that there's also Emotion tied to it. It now feels even worse versus being able to say to my assistant, like, huh? So much loneliness in this inbox today. Can you partner with me? Knowing this work has helped me learn how to ask for what I need as well. Because emotions are our messengers. I read off the eight core emotions. Each one of them has a message that they are sending to us, and behind that message is a need. So now that I can actually recognize the need, I'm able to show up for myself in a way that I previously was not. And so I'm processing the emotion, which takes away a good portion of what my is firing in my brain over the logistical tasks in front of me. And now I'm able to actually get clear on what needs to be done and organize it in a way that help can help prevent burnout.
- [36:35]
B
Yeah, I think all of this work is so beautiful, and I just really want to reinforce having other people go through this process. So I'm wondering if. If maybe I should do a live with you. Like, do you want to walk me through it? And I will talk through it, and if you guys want to, like, pause in between, you can do that along with us. This.
- [36:55]
A
Yes, I would love that. Do you want me to hold it up for you so you can see it, or do you have one in front of you?
- [37:00]
B
I don't have one in front of me. If you can talk through it.
- [37:03]
A
Yeah, I'll hold it up, and you can start with whichever emotion you want to start with.
- [37:08]
B
Okay. I feel hurt when I share my needs and the things that I know are necessary. And I feel like the other person doesn't listen or disregards what those needs are.
- [37:25]
A
I get that.
- [37:26]
B
I feel joy when I get to be in the room with my closest friends. I just got back from a weekend with six of my college girlfriends. I am so grateful for the work we've done to keep that connection alive. And that friendship is unlike anything I've experienced with anyone else. Anger. I am angry with the healthcare system and how it so often disappoints families and puts them in positions that are incredibly challenging. Whether it's emotionally, financially, additional workload that feels like it should be someone's job. My dad recently had a stroke, and I feel like it's just been one thing after another of trying to, like, pull myself out of this, like, constant list of things I have to do that feel like someone else's job, and it makes me really mad.
- [38:32]
A
Yeah.
- [38:34]
B
Shame. I feel like shame is one of the emotions I struggle pinpointing. The most. Not because I don't see what it is, But I think I often mistake it for other things, so I'm not sure I would know. Can you give me an example of what shame looks like?
- [38:53]
A
Yeah. So shame is an I am. And so if I yell at my kids, you know, I. I have shame that I yelled at my kids because of the way I showed up in that scenario, that I did not control myself this morning. The shame I processed was that I've been exercising, but I'm also eating chocolate continuously. So I have shame that I can't have more self control to balance out all the extra work that I'm doing. And so shame is who we are. It's inherently in us, how we feel like we're showing up.
- [39:23]
B
Okay, so I have shame in the fact that I fully know that going on a walk every morning, the days I do it 100% of the time, makes the rest of the day better. And I still choose not to do it 50% of the time. So I want to be better there. But I definitely carry shame in that area. Oh, let's see. It's a little hard to read right now. It's like blurry.
- [39:52]
A
Guilt.
- [39:52]
B
Guilt. I feel guilt. It's hard because there's things I feel guilty for that I'm like, is this appropriate for the show? I don't know. Okay. I feel guilt. Oh, they're doing it to me right now, actually. I feel guilt. I've been busy with a lot of things going on with work and with my dad's health, and I've been gone a lot, and I have three dogs that have barely very, very, very clearly shown me that I am not giving them enough attention. And I feel really bad about that because I can tell they need it and they want it, and I want to be there for them, and they make me feel better when I'm there for them.
- [40:40]
A
I get that. Fear.
- [40:42]
B
Fear. I have fear that the responsibilities of life will erode the business I have built.
- [40:54]
A
Yeah, jeez. Yeah, I get that.
- [40:58]
B
Apparently, I need to talk to my therapist about that one. I hear that life is wild sometimes and you just can see what happens all around you and want to prioritize it and also know that there's an opportunity cost to almost everything.
- [41:17]
A
Yeah, I get that.
- [41:18]
B
Have I missed one? You have.
- [41:20]
A
Lonely.
- [41:21]
B
Lonely. I feel lonely every time I see a mom hug their child or love their child out loud in a way that's not out loud. You know, just like the way seeing it because we've struggled so Much to have our own children. And it just brings up a lot of, a lot of things. Not just loneliness, but loneliness is definitely one of the things I feel when I see that even though it's beautiful and I love that for them.
- [41:54]
A
The last one is sad.
- [41:55]
B
Oh, I feel sad that I'm navigating long term care decisions for a dad that's only 64 years old. Yeah, I just, I'm, I'm sad for him, but I'm also sad for myself because it's a lot and yeah, it's hard.
- [42:17]
A
It is hard. Thank you for sharing that with me.
- [42:20]
B
Yeah.
- [42:21]
A
And with your audience. Because I can guarantee you that there are women that are listening to that, relating so deeply to so much of what you're saying and in you sharing your fear, you know that that life will erode the business that you've built. So many women feel that. So many women feel that all the time because so many of the life responsibilities are up to us to navigate. And being able to actually put the words to that and share that is incredibly connecting to people.
- [42:57]
B
I see so many women carrying the weight of so much of not just their own life, but their work and their careers and their families and their children and their loved ones. And they put so much pressure on themselves to be the best for everybody. It can be hard to prioritize yourself in the midst of all of that. So I feel you guys and I, I hope that you can take something away from this conversation that really helps you process what's going on, but also, like she said, like process things that are happening all the time. Because I know behind some of those big hurts are lots of little tiny hurts that have happened along the way are those individual feelings. And it can feel like that 500 pound weight. But I'm excited by the idea of not letting it pile up to the point that it's unbearable.
- [44:00]
A
And I also, I love that your wheel was so much just about life because that is where so much of us miss. We focus so deeply on these businesses that we're building, but we're showing up at our computer ready to get work done. It's like, okay, I have three hours that I can actually have focused work. Oh. But I'm sitting here being weighed down by anger of our healthcare system that is completely messed up and pain because I got into an argument my husband earlier today. Like, we're sitting here with so much of life on us. So then to actually be able to get good, focused work done and reaching the thing we want to do, you Know, the thing that brings us a lot of joy in our work, it's hard to accomplish that. Life interferes with work far more than we talk about. And I believe, and I have seen that when we can learn how to process those things, our work. Work flourishes in a whole new way when Wes and I are connected. Like, the biggest thing that's changed my work is the fact that my husband and I are so connected that we do not have conflict like our. The way we communicate our home has become. We tease, like, should we start fighting each other just so our kids can see it? Like, they can understand what it looks like to like, not because we just process things in real time so we don't have that backlog. And being able to have that type of connection has changed how we can work and show up. How did it feel for you to say those things out loud?
- [45:37]
B
I think it's surprising because I felt like the things I was mentioning were all things I was very aware of. And I'm surprised that I still felt that feeling so strongly. Even saying it out loud, like, the awareness didn't pull it out of me, versus the saying it out loud made more of a significant difference than I anticipated. So I do think one that's a solid sign of why talk therapy has been so effective for me over the years. But also, I can't always wait for that. I have to keep talking about it. And figuring out what that looks like has been a challenge over time. But I know one little piece of advice that has made a big difference for me is that when you're looking for those people to process with, I had the tendency to try to look for one person or a couple of people that could process everything over every area of my life. And not only was that unhealthy, but it was impractical. And so it has been incredibly helpful for me to identify a variety of people, some of which can only really help in one area or another. But they don't have to help me in all the ways. And that doesn't mean they're less of a friend or less of a support system for me. They're just different. And it's also helped my friendships because I stopped seeing them as, like, not there for me when they were there for me in the areas that they shine and they're best at. So I am curious, what's one final piece of advice you would give our listeners, especially those who are juggling business and a personal life?
- [47:31]
A
Yeah, I would say to, well, definitely, like, try this out for yourself. Use this tool and process what you are experiencing and not just settle for how you feel right now. If you're feeling overwhelmed, if you're feeling stressed, if you're feeling you're not going to get where you want to go, not to settle for that. Because you do have everything you need inside of you to reach your dreams and to reach your goals. And by being able to dig deep and live lighter through emotional regulation, you will be able to get there. So yeah, I say don't settle. Don't say stuck. If you're in a marriage that's unhappy, get help. If you are at a job that you don't like, you haven't started your dream business, switch. Don't stay stuck because you deserve to experience joy.
- [48:20]
B
You all deserve to experience joy. I couldn't agree more with that. Well, if someone wants to get a copy of this wheel for themselves, I am definitely gonna link it in the show notes so you guys can easily grab that. But where else can people hang out with you online and learn more about this work?
- [48:42]
A
Yes. Yeah, we are the Connection Codes. So we are on Instagram under the name Connection Codes, but we also have a podcast called the Connection Codes and that's where we talk a lot about the science of emotion and marriage. We talk about sex, we talk about family. Just the full facet of being a human and showing up in this world, living connected.
- [49:05]
B
Awesome. Thank you so much for being here.
- [49:07]
A
Yes, thank you so much.
- [49:09]
B
Hey, a few quick favors before you leave. I'd love if you'd share today's episode, send it to a friend who needs to hear it and post on social. You can show us where you're listening from, your favorite takeaway or why someone else should listen. Be sure to tag me, Abigail says and ossproject so we can share it.
- [49:27]
A
Okay.
- [49:27]
B
Second favor, to get podcast updates and all the behind the scenes news from Boss Project. I'd love if you'd join my VIP. Just head to bossproject.com signup to make sure I have all your contact details. Really love this show. It would mean so much to me if you'd leave a rating and review. It not only helps more listeners find the show, but allows us to bring on quality sponsors so we can keep bringing you this valuable content for free. Thanks so much for listening. Until next time.