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Strategy Hour | Online Marketing for Business Growth
951: Friendships in Your 30s and 40s: Loving, Losing, and Letting Be
00:32:34
Unexpected ways Mel Robbins’ new book, The Let Them Theory, shifted how I think about making, retaining, and even releasing friendships.
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- [00:00]
Mel Robbins
So what is the Let Them theory in relationship to relationships? Here's a direct quote from her book if someone wants to leave, let them. If someone doesn't appreciate you, let them. If someone is not showing up for you, let them.
- [00:20]
Abigail Pumphrey
Welcome to the Strategy Hour podcast brought to you by Boss Project. I'm your host, Abigail Pumphrey and I'm dedicated to supporting online businesses. I don't believe in one right way to build a business. I'm here to help you build business your way. One that supports not only the life you have, but the life you want. I'm on a personal mission to help you become financially free. I'm taking all the lessons learned as I turned a layoff into a seven figure online business. I'm here to help you prioritize your life every step of the way. Whether you're creating your first digital product, growing an email list, or scaling an already profitable business. Settle in. It's time to talk strategy.
- [01:01]
Mel Robbins
I don't know a single person in their 30s and 40s that doesn't want more, better or deeper adult friendships. Now the last place I expected to be getting friendship advice was from Mel Robbins new book. The Let Them Theory was not in my bingo cards for this year. Honestly, I was not planning to love the book. I really went into this thinking it was going to be way too simple for where I'm at in my life in business. And part of that is because I absolutely heard the theory back when this was all based on just one podcast episode that went super viral a couple of years ago. And I remember Mel talking about this concept of letting people just be them without manipulation, without judgment, without making it mean something about you. And I think there's a lot of good in that. But I didn't expect it to mean so much or give me so many takeaways when it comes to friendships Today, I specifically want to share the unexpected ways it shifted how I'm thinking about making, maintaining, and sometimes even releasing friendships. Especially in this complicated season of adulthood in your 30s and 40s. If you're interested in reading Mel Robbins new book, you can go to bossproject.com Amazon and I will have it linked up in the book section. Or if you would prefer to listen, you can go to bossproject.com audible and I will have an option for you that if you haven't previously started an Audible account, you'll actually get your first book for free. So that's a great way to get started if you want to dive in. But I'm specifically referencing she has a whole section of her book that talks about adult friendships. So what is the let them theory in relationship to relationships? Here's a direct quote from her book. If someone wants to leave, let them. If someone doesn't appreciate you, let them. If someone is not showing up for you, let them. It's this idea about releasing control. We're not chasing, we're not convincing. We're not over managing relationships. Now, there's a nuance that we have to keep in mind. It's not about being cold, careless, or cutting people off. It's about allowing people to be who they are without turning it into a referendum on your worth. And for me, one of the hardest places to do this is specifically in adult friendships. Because every action that someone else takes that isn't about work, that isn't about family, when we're talking about friends, we often feel like their actions are a result of our own. And that's hardly ever true, but it definitely feels that way. Now, I don't know about you, but I had the easiest time making friends in college. And specifically because I befriended an extrovert whose only mission in life was to make all of her friends friends, which meant very quickly I ended up with 20 to 30 close friends that did almost everything together. Now, were there like pockets and clicks amongst that? Yes, but none of them were weird. It wasn't like, you can't be part of this. It was just people that tended to hang out more together and that was fine. But if you wanted to join them, you were part of the group. You were totally allowed. You could also bring other people into the group. There was no real rules. This was so chill. And a huge part of that is because of how much time you spend with people in college, because of proximity, because of just the way college works. You share meals, you share life, you share activities. You don't have any other responsibilities, typically other than going to school and potentially another job. But most people aren't married and most people don't have kids, so it's chill, right? And I heard this quote. I cannot remember who said it. It could have been Mel, but it could have been also almost anyone else. And they were talking about the amount of time you need to spend with someone for them to become a deep friend, like a close friend. And they were saying the number of hours is 200. That's a lot of time. Now, in college, it's very easy to rack that up in just a couple of months when you're living with each other, when you're already There all of the time, that happens super quickly. But as adults, when we all live our own separate lives, when we all have jobs away from each other, when we often live 20, 30, 40 minutes away from our friends, it's harder to build up that amount of time spent. And I know we would all love our next door neighbor to be our bff, but that doesn't always work out. So Mel specifically talks about this experience that we all go through, typically right after high school or college. And she calls it the great scattering. Where people move away, chase careers, start families, grow at different speeds. And it's the first time that we're typically really turned upside down because we've grown so close to this group of friends that suddenly are just all gone. And it's really easy to think you're doing something wrong, or you're not investing enough time, or they're not investing enough time, but you're not doing anything wrong. It's just life moving forward. For me, I felt like it was slightly different because I went through college, I graduated early, so I finished school in three years. My husband's a year older than me. We weren't yet married, but he was in a five years master's program, so he wasn't going to finish school for a solid year after I was. So I decided to get a job in the same small town that our college was in now. When I graduated, a bunch of my friends left town, started their lives, got jobs away. But there was a smaller subset of that main group that stayed for a whole variety of reasons. Some of them did get jobs. I was one of the few that got a job in town. Most of these people were in grad school. And I don't think I fully felt this great scattering until we got married. So we get Jared graduated, we get engaged, and we get married a year later. The last big hurrah that had everyone there was our wedding and then everyone went away. It was terrible. I remember grieving so hard that all of these people I love and care about lived nowhere near me. And when I say nowhere near me, I mean like half a country away, nowhere near me. It's disorienting. It even feels a little heartbreaking, like something was broken. But it's such a natural part of what happens in friendships. And the thing that we have to keep in mind is that friendships are created often by being at the same place at the same time. Not just physically close, but going through the same life stages. So you may have friends that all were close and then some of those Friends started to have kids, and their life took a completely different direction. And the others, the people that were single or married without kids, their lives were incredibly different. And all of a sudden, we're all moving through life at different speeds. In college and in school, more often than not, you're moving at the same pace because you're going through the same grades, you're getting the same degrees, you're getting jobs around the same time. And then beyond that, when you get married, when you buy your first house, when you have kids, all of that's different for all of the people in your life. And I think we fight this drift. I don't feel like I fought the Great Scattering because it felt natural. People were moving away, and that was okay. Like, that was part of it. I think I had reconciled in my brain that that was going to happen. Like none of us were planning to stay in this small town. I think if we had planned and all had gone to a university that was more in a city where we potentially all would stay, life would be a little bit different. But we were in the middle of nowhere, and there were only very few and very specific jobs in that town. And most people didn't want to stay because the town is almost 50% college students. The first time I kind of fought back was when people started to have kids and I couldn't. My husband and I were facing infertility struggles, and they started to get pregnant. And I just remember feeling so out of place, like I didn't belong. Like no one wanted to be near me or if they had something to say, they felt like it wasn't relevant to me. And so they talked to me less. And I felt like I started overcompensating. And I'm sure we've all been there where we're texting more, trying to force plans. We, or we feel guilty for spending time with them and also not spending time with them, because sometimes when you're with them, you feel like they're not even there because your lives are so different now. The more I tried to preserve friendships exactly as they were, the heavier and sadder I started to feel. But friendships are allowed to change. People are allowed to grow apart. And that's not always betrayal. It's breathing room that we do not have to be afraid of. One of my best friends on the planet, Kate, when she started having babies, our relationship absolutely got further apart. It wasn't that we weren't close, but we wouldn't talk all that often. And then when we did, we would talk for Four hours straight and then disappear for another three months. And it was really hot and cold and it felt weird and I get it. She was buried under diapers and breastfeeding and taking care of a toddler and all of the things I get. Life is busy and our lives didn't feel the same. But I remember when both her kids were finally in school. Oh my God. It was like she came back and it was a whole new friendship all over again. It's not that we again were ever not friends, but that closeness came back. The frequency in which we saw each other came back. And a lot of it was just because she finally felt like she had some help. So she still had some energy. At the end of the night, Mel said when you let them, you let yourself. At first I didn't know what she meant, but she talked about letting them cancel, letting them not text you back. Let them be the friend they are now and not the friend they once were. She talked about instead of feeling rejected, that she started to feel lighter, relieved even when she stopped trying to fight the natural seasons of friendship. And I don't disagree. I had a similar experience where at first I was really crushed by close friends that all of a sudden weren't as close or we weren't spending as much time together because our lives were so different. And there were times that I did think it was about me. They'd have a kid's birthday party and they'd invite other friends that were mutual friends, but I wouldn't be invited. Now, come to find out, years down the line it was because they thought I would be bored because it was a three year old's birthday party. But I was like, no, it's an excuse to eat cake and hang out with you. And like, kids can be k. And we've had that conversation. And the amount in which I am included now in things that are kid related has gone up significantly. But I very much remember in the early stages feeling like I just wasn't remembered or considered or a part of their life anymore. Like maybe they didn't care. And so I was worried hearing Mel continuously talking about letting them. I get it. I get the idea of letting them be where they're at, but it felt really powerless. It felt really like I was letting other people dictate if we could be friends or not. And it's really easy to try to do more and then have the other person not reciprocate. And that's frustrating. But Mel talks about it's not just about letting them. It's about letting me. And that means let me grow. Let me need different kinds of friendships now. Let me stop apologizing for outgrown certain dynamics.
- [15:31]
Abigail Pumphrey
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- [15:42]
Mel Robbins
Low ticket digital product sales.
- [15:43]
Abigail Pumphrey
I won't just show you what I did, but teach you how you can do it too. I'm talking not just how to create low ticket digital products, but but also showing you how to use them strategically to generate leads for your other existing or future offers. I'm sharing it all@bossproject.com jumpstart including exactly how I made $8033 and generated 277 leads my very first month selling digital products. Find out more at bossproject.com jumpstart May is Small Business Month and FreshBooks is here to support your business with special savings. FreshBooks is the user friendly accounting platform for your business. Switch to FreshBooks for a better accounting experience. No more late nights drowning in paperwork or searching for lost receipts. Snap photos of your expenses on the go, send professional invoices in seconds and track payments seamlessly. FreshBooks automates invoicing and expenses, processes payments, connects bank accounts, and provides real time reporting. Streamline your bookkeeping with FreshBooks today. Switching to FreshBooks has never been easier. Even if you're coming from another accounting tool. FreshBooks makes migrating your data simple and their support team is ready if you need help. Happy Small Business Month. Celebrate with special savings from FreshBooks. Get FreshBooks 50% off for 6 months@freshbooks.com that's 50% off for 6 months@FreshBooks.com Mel.
- [17:14]
Mel Robbins
Talked about by her not letting other people change. She wasn't allowing herself to change. She wasn't giving herself to need more peace, deeper conversations or slower friendships. So what clicked into place for me was that there is this rhythm to life. The grade scattering ultimately doesn't just happen once. It does happen after high school. It happens again after college. It happens again when everyone has babies, but it's gonna happen again when babies go off to college and when you retire. Like life is going to keep shifting. When you move all the things right. There are seasons where it's just naturally gonna be a reset and you could fight it and be frustrated by the friends that are no longer there. But sometimes those friends come back around. Sometimes those friends have a 10 year gap and then all of a sudden you're talking all the time again. And that's not to say that something was wrong in the meantime. It's just that your lives weren't aligning then. I know when I stopped fighting against this, when I stopped trying to, so to speak, fit a square peg into a round hole, I found opportunities to make more friends. And it's hard. It's so hard. I did this all the wrong ways. And then I finally figured it out. So now, not to say that this couldn't have worked out, but I was definitely trying to just befriend anyone there for a hot minute. And I remember my solution was to join a gym. I was like, I'm just going to join. I'm going to try to go at the same time on a regular basis and hopefully I'll start to see people that are also there at the same time on a regular basis. And then like over time, we can become friends. Well, it sort of happened like that where over time I would show up at the same time and the same people would be there. But the part that was missing is there was no conversation. We weren't chit chatting. Like everyone had their headphones on and was doing their own thing. And I got annoyed and I was like, I'm gonna fix this. And so it was so awkward. It's so awkward. It still worked out and it ultimately was fine, but I was truly so embarrassed. What I ended up doing was writing a note on like a post it and I was like, hey, I see you here all the time. I feel like we should grab coffee sometime. We could be friends. Gave her my phone number. And then I literally handed this girl my phone number and ran away. I was pretty sure I was just gonna have to not be a part of that gym anymore because it was so awkward. But she did end up texting me. We did end up grabbing coffee and we did grab drinks a couple of times with my spouse and some other people. And it was fun. I'm not saying it wasn't, but our lives were so different. She was a lot younger than me. Where she was in her relationship wasn't the same. We just didn't align on our paths. And I have tried to make that work before where like, you really try to overcome it, but there just wasn't enough in common. We just didn't have enough in common. And it didn't, it didn't work. So I could have let that really defeat myself and then like go back to being a hobbit at home. Definitely considered it, but instead I was like, this is the year that I'm going to figure this out. Because I had really struggled after I had resigned from this nonprofit that I had been a part of for years. I had really struggled to find new relationships beyond that experience. Because when I went to church, there wasn't necessarily a ton of young people, or if there were young people, they all had infants, and I didn't. So I decided the best thing to do was actually to work on myself, which sounds a little counterintuitive, but I had been so focused on trying to find friends, I think so I could feel something. I think so. I could validate something inside of myself. And I was like, if I'm not okay without other people in my life, that's not going to work. Like, I'm. I'm the only one who's going to be with me every day for the rest of my life. Just me. If I'm not okay as just me, like, there's going to be problems. So I was like, I need to work on me. So I ended up applying for this leadership class that didn't cost anything, but was over a series of nine months. And then after the class, there was going to be a group trip to England. And I was like, yeah, done. I'm in. I'm so ready for this. And what really attracted me was a huge part of the class wasn't just leadership development. It was discernment. Like, the whole goal was that by the end of the class, you had clarity on where you were going from here, what your next step in life was. And I was really worried. I was like, I just don't know if this is going to work. I don't know what's next, especially outside of work. What does my life look like for the next 10, 15 years? Who are the people I'm spending time with? Where am I besides work? I didn't know. I had no clue. And I was showing up and I was showing up, and I was having good conversations. Like, people were friendly, but I didn't feel like we were really becoming friends. But the guy who had been leading the group decided to start having this, like, hangout session after class, every single time. So after class was over, we drove down the hill and parked and went into this, like, little bar that had bar food and drinks. And we would just sit there, sometimes for an hour, sometimes for two, sometimes for three hours beyond the class time. And when I started going to that on a regular basis, I was spending far more time getting to know individual people. And it took longer than I expected. It to. But by around Christmas, I was like, oh, my gosh, I think I have some legitimate friends, like people that I want to be a part of my life for good. I want them around. I care about these people. They mean something to me. I'm invested in their lives. And I was adult enough to know that if I just kept going to class and just kept going to this thing afterwards and didn't ever do anything beyond that, that the moment the class ended, that those relationships wouldn't exist. And so I decided to invest in them. And I definitely wanted reciprocation, but I also know other people are shy. And so I was willing to, like, just see what stuck. And so I started taking people to coffee and to dinner and inviting them over for game night. And it was just such this beautiful cascade of events. Now, am I close to everyone? No. But I have a fairly large group of friends now, all in Kansas City, all from different walks of life, all with different stories. But there's these threads that hold us together. And some of those people I see on a far more regular basis now, and I text in between, and when life gets crazy, they show up with soup. And I have just been so touched by these people that I think I previously would have written off, not because I don't think they're good people, but because I was worried we didn't have enough in common. And so I think there's like, two sides of this coin. Yes, you need to click with people. You need to have similarities in your life for things to ultimately work long term. But you're not going to know what those things are unless you put yourself in front of people consistently. And the easiest way to do that is in some sort of group setting, usually with some kind of structure. So in the last year, last nine months, really, I've been in this leadership class. I joined a small group, and now I probably have 10 or 15 new people on my phone, four or five of which probably more than that, actually, maybe seven, of which I text on a fairly regular basis and do things with and have fun with and enjoy life with. I think it's easy to think that in your 30s and 40s that friendships are harder or somehow worse. They're just different. They take more intention, but they're wiser and they're gentler and sometimes sadder. And not because you failed, but because you grew. So I'm going to leave you with a couple of questions to just reflect on. Where are you holding on to tightly? Who is just not there for you in the way they used to be and they need to be let go. Where might it be, or feel better or even freeing to let them or to let yourself? Where do you need to spend your time to expose yourself to new people? How can you invest in new relationships while also finding ones that are reciprocal? As much as you have to let them, you do have to let yourself. These friendships take longer to foster, longer to come together, because you're just not going to spend as much time together in as short of a time span. You're just not. It's going to take time, but you taking the time is worth it. Having people in your life that are there for you is worth it. You don't have to be alone. You don't have to be isolated. And yes, some of my greatest friends are absolutely people I've met online. But it's not the same as being able to go to dinner with someone or having someone over for a game night or going to a festival together or an art show. It's just not. And so you do need people near you. You need people in your life, not just people you talk to. So I encourage you to foster both and maybe think about some people that you miss. And it is okay to say you miss them and tell them that everyone is craving more connection, not just you. And so you might be the one who needs to turn on the light switch, but that doesn't mean that other people can't also carry it with you. You got this. I believe in you and I can't wait to see what new relationships pop up for you. It's going to be a beautiful summer.
- [28:59]
Abigail Pumphrey
Hey, a few quick favors before you leave. I'd love if you'd share today's episode, send it to a friend who needs to hear it and post on social. You can show us where you're listening from, your favorite takeaway, or why someone else should listen. Be sure to tag me, Abigail says and ossproject so we can share it.
- [29:16]
Mel Robbins
Okay.
- [29:17]
Abigail Pumphrey
Second favor to get podcast updates and.
- [29:19]
Mel Robbins
All the behind the scenes news from bossproject.
- [29:21]
Abigail Pumphrey
I'd love if you'd join my VIP list. Just head to bossproject.com signup to make sure I have all your contact details.
- [29:30]
Mel Robbins
Really love this show.
- [29:31]
Abigail Pumphrey
It would mean so much to me if you'd leave a rating and review. It not only helps more listeners find the show, but allows us to bring on quality sponsors so we can keep bringing you this valuable content for free. Thanks so much for listening.
- [29:43]
Mel Robbins
Until next time.