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Strategy Hour | Online Marketing for Business Growth
952: Stop Overworking and Underliving: How to Redefine Ambition and Create Lasting Success with Bri Seeley
00:51:33
How childhood experiences shape our drive, why stillness is more powerful than hustle, how to stop outsourcing your self-worth to external results and so much more!
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- [00:00]
A
I think the crops like the core base first step that everyone has to take is really sitting down with themselves. Maybe your journal, maybe meditation, whatever your process is. And really asking yourself, what does success mean to me?
- [00:19]
B
Welcome to the Strategy Hour podcast brought to you by Boss Project. I'm your host, Abigail Pumphrey and I'm dedicated to supporting online businesses. I don't believe in one right way to build a business. I'm here to help you build business your way. One that supports not only the life you have, but the life you want. I'm on a personal mission to help you become financially free. I'm taking all the lessons learned as I turned a layoff into a seven figure online business. I'm here to help you prioritize your life every step of the way. Whether you're creating your first digital product, growing an email list, or scaling an already profitable business. Settle in. It's time to talk strategy. If you've ever found yourself working harder, pushing further, and still feeling like it's not enough, you're not alone. Today's guest is here to challenge the hustle narrative and show you how to create lasting success without sacrificing your well being. Bri Seeley is here. She is a TEDx Speaker Success Coach, an award winning businesswoman who helps high achieving entrepreneurs bring their most unrealistic goals to life without overworking, under living or sacrificing themselves in the process. Her signature defy process has helped countless leaders build unapologetic sustainable success and today she is sharing the mindset, shifts and strategies that make it all possible. Bri, welcome to the show.
- [01:50]
A
Hello. Thanks for having me.
- [01:52]
B
I'm so excited you're here because a lot of people are going through it and they are absolutely overworking, they're absolutely under living and so I think talking about ambition is going to be amazing. But before we get into that, if people are meeting you for the very first time, can you share a little bit about the work you're doing today?
- [02:16]
A
Yeah. So I work with overly ambitious individuals to kind of do two things. So the first one is I brainwash them for their success. I'm a certified hypnotherapist and so I do a lot of work with the subconscious mind. The stories we tell ourselves, the narratives we're holding onto. Truly I believe that being a high achieving, ambitious individual is a result of trying to trauma probably for most of us. I know myself and all the clients I have so do a lot with the subconscious and then the biggest question people come to me with is I have this big dream and this big goal and I know exactly where I am and I know exactly where I want to be, but how do I get there? And so I am kind of the person people call when their dreams feel impossible and I help them become inevitable.
- [03:09]
B
Oh, I love that. You got a really great language. Talking about yourself, by the way. Messaging is on point.
- [03:16]
A
Thank you. Lots of practice. And also lots of deep diving. I know, we'll probably talk about it. I told you, I'm like in Arkansas on a self imposed retreat, figuring out who I am in the world. And a lot of it has been deep diving into a lot of very important questions around what do I truly do for people and, and what is my impact in the world? So thank you.
- [03:39]
B
Yeah. Well, I love it. It's going to be fantastic. I am curious, if you think back, can you share what first made you realize that ambition as it's traditionally sold to us, might be broken?
- [03:56]
A
Yes. So I had this experience in the sixth grade and now this is like I didn't have this realization in the sixth grade.
- [04:03]
B
Oh, right.
- [04:03]
A
I actually had this realization maybe a year ago. I'm turning 42. So a little bit of time between the sixth grade and now, few decades. I was looking back and remembering this experience that I had in the sixth grade in reading class. Now when I was a child, I was an avid reader, Childhood trauma, wanted to escape all of it. Preferred babysitter's club and all of the other fantasy worlds than my own world.
- [04:28]
B
And.
- [04:28]
A
And so in the sixth grade, I set this like really large reading goal, right? And it was the biggest one in the class. And I hit it. And my instructor was like, great, you have to increase your pages. So I increased my pages. Well, I hit it again. Well, you have to increase your pages. So I increase my pages. I hit it again. Increase my pages. Quarter ended. I didn't hit it. She gave me a C in the class because I didn't hit my reading goal. Now thankfully I have a very voracious, voracious mama bear who went into the school and was like, not my daughter. Nuh. But I think what it hit me last year and what it really illustrated for me is this idea that like we're told that we need more and more and more and more and more. And then when our goal is 10 times bigger than all the people around us and we don't hit it, that then we're a failure, right? And it just really I was like, that is every client I work with. And we're all wandering around telling ourselves we're not enough, or I wasn't productive enough today. People tell me all the time, they're like, bri, do you realize that on your non productive days, you're still 10 times more productive than the average human? And yet here we are, spinning ourselves into all these knots and circles and back bends and all these things, trying to achieve these quote unquote impossible dreams. But we're doing it in a way that is not sustainable and that's actually not effective. And we're beating ourselves up in the process.
- [06:13]
B
Yeah, it's not fun.
- [06:16]
A
No.
- [06:17]
B
I've been talking a lot recently about wanting to, like, give up performance, like wanting to give up the act of performing and choosing peace over productivity. And I know so many people just get to this point in their career where they could do more, they know how to do more, they're willing to do more, but they keep realizing they're arriving at the same place. And it's not that they're unhappy, they just feel like they're missing something. They're like missing life as it's flying by. Do you have anything to help them stay, like a little more grounded?
- [06:57]
A
Yeah, I mean, I think one of the things that's really helped me, and I know that this sounds like a very cliche answer, but I'm going to tell you why it's the answer as well, is meditation and stillness and part of what it's done. A lot of ambition stuff happens outside of us. There are things imposed on us by other people. Their expectations of family or loved ones or culture, society, whatever. And for me, what I've realized is I don't really care what other people expect of me. I care what I expect of me. And if I'm always busy and I'm always running on the hamster wheel and I'm always mentally beating myself up and I'm like, if that is my predominant state of being, first of all, I don't have a good relationship with myself. And second of all, I can't even hear myself, like, the amount of women I know who are climbing this mountain. I actually used to have a podcast called the Success Diaries. And I entered, the only question I asked was, what's your definition of success? And I did. I forget like 153 interviews and every person was like, you know, I climbed this mountain of success that I was like told I should be climbing, right? Like the six figure salary and the car and the house and the kids and the this is and the that's. And I got to the top of this mountain. And I realized this wasn't my mountain. And so silence and stillness and meditation and journaling and coloring and personally, I use the tarot. And I like, I have so many tools in my life to reconnect me with me. Because so many of us that are highly ambitious are aiming at the wrong bullseye, and we keep moving the bullseye based on other people's expectations, when really, truly, we are the only ones that we need to be answering to. And if I'm not satisfied with my life, what's the point? What's the point of the overworking and the under living if I'm the one living it and I'm miserable?
- [09:06]
B
Yeah, by no means am I miserable, But I did have a similar kind of awakening. I don't know if that's the right way to put it. Where I was like, I can keep scaling this business. I know what it looks like to run a $3 million company or a $10 million company. I have no interest in doing that. I don't want a big team. I don't want to ultimately have to build out, like, a corporate structure architecture to make my business function. I want to be focused on my life. But I think what happened, and I know other people can relate to this idea, is that the thing I really wanted was completely out of my control, and I was doing things that I could control to compensate for the things that I couldn't as a distraction. It was a major distraction. And sure, there are things I could do to get myself closer to that life that I wanted, but I could still do the work and still not get there. And that's an impossible feeling. And it can really get people down. I'm curious how you feel like people can kind of come home to that in some way, like, be more aware and also still pursue the thing that's speaking silently over in the corner a little bit.
- [10:30]
A
I think that so often we wait to have the experience of life that we want to have until we get there, right? And we're constantly delaying how we want to feel until we have the results or the business or the accolades or the whatever on the outside. And one of the things that I've been playing with for years is, what if I could actually just feel the way I want to feel now with nothing in my physical environment changing? Because I'm also a big nerd when it comes to, like, quantum physics and quantum theory and all these things. And Albert Einstein talked about it 100 plus years ago. There is no future, and there is no past. There's only. There's only the. Do you. I mean, do you ever notice that, like, tomorrow never comes, like, it's always today? And so it's like, well, okay, if I'm delaying how I want to feel.
- [11:31]
B
And you'll never be there because you're never. You're always here and never there.
- [11:36]
A
Yes. So what if. If freedom is my ultimate goal, and I think that all these circumstances are going to be what creates that freedom for me. What if I could actually just experience freedom now? And then the trippy part becomes, in me experiencing freedom now, it's literally opening me up to more pathways to pursue more freedoms continuously. Right. So I find too that we wait because maybe we're not smart enough or we're not ready enough, or we're not this enough or we're not that enough. And so we delay. We don't deserve it enough. That's a big one. We delay how we actually want to feel and experience life rather than just embracing it and doing it now. And maybe it's not even those circumstances, like you said you could get to those circumstances, but are they even going to feel the way that you want to feel? And then again, you've gotten to the top of this mountain and realized, this actually isn't where I want to be at all. Now you have to go back down to the bottom of the mountain, redefine what your mountain looks like, go back and reclaim a new one. Like, what if you could just feel that way now? What if you could just experience the freedom today and not wait for the circumstances? And in experiencing the freedom today, you're literally bringing yourself more freedom to experience in the next moment and the next moment and the next moment.
- [13:04]
B
Yeah. I think most people assume that if I'm going to experience it now, if I'm going to experience it today, that things have to be a certain way. Like, not that you have to be there all the time. I think some people can recognize I need to be in the present, but they're like, well, to get the kind of freedom I want, I really need another $50,000 or I really need my retirement to be X place, or I need this level of security to feel like I can work, quote, unquote, less. But I know you help people defy reality. Can you break down what that really means when it comes to achieving these big goals without feeling like you have to sacrifice?
- [13:52]
A
Right. I also look at it from if the pathway is sacrifice and if the pathway is stress, and if the pathway is the antithesis of Freedom, the destination will also be stressful. The antithesis of freedom, lack of abundance, all those things, right? So that's really where I get that. Like, yeah, don't get me wrong, an extra $100,000 in my business today would help me do a lot more of. A lot of things in my business. And being in the lack of that is not what's helping me create it. Right? So the first thing we do when we are defining reality is we have to define what it is that we're aiming towards, right? And not from the circumstances of someday, but from the circumstances of, like, where can I start today? What can I do with what I have today to be living my definition of success right now, in this moment? The thing that we have to do after that, because what happens is we're going to, just like you said, we're going to say, okay, I want to experience freedom today. And that little voice is going to come in and be like, well, you can experience freedom today because you don't have enough money. Your retirement isn't big enough yet. You don't have this. You're not here, you're not there, you're not this, you're not that. That little voice is going to come in. That is doubtful. That is the inner contrarian. That is that inner critic that's there to technically protect you, but really, truly is actually protecting you from what it is you desire in the meantime. So we want to get really clear on where we're going and what we're building. Then we need to work to eliminate that voice, or at least start working with that voice so that it stops blocking us on a subconscious level. Then we do need to figure out who is that future me that already has that definition of success. Now, I will say, if your definition of success is rooted in circumstances, it's really difficult to live that today. And then what's going to happen is you're going to wake up tomorrow and be like, I'm not there yet. So you're going to push your future off to another day and wake up the next day and say, I'm not there yet. And you're going to push your. It's like two magnets that have the opposite ends, right? The more you move forward, the more that your future is then just moving forward as well. Like it's continuously repelling each other. So we have to flip those magnets around and start to ask ourselves, okay, well, my retirement account may not look the way it needs to look right now. And there are ways that I can feel Abundant Today, there are ways that I can feel free today. There are ways that I can live my definition of success today without the circumstances. Fully, completely, totally being present. Present. So that is your future self now, living your future in the present moment and then taking actions every single day, just little actions. You want to make a ripple effect. Standing still does not create a ripple effect in your life. If you want to defy reality and have a completely different existence six months from now, it doesn't come from you taking one grand leap on whatever day, 119. It comes from you taking little steps for 119 days that all compound into this massive change in your reality.
- [17:17]
B
I think where people get stuck on that journey is they have no concept of what the breakdown of that ultimately is. They're thinking they've lived their life ambitious, right? So they've picked these audacious goals. They have strived for big moves forward, and they're used to taking big steps all the time. So how do you define what enough looks like? And like that you're taking enough of the step forward to make the difference?
- [17:52]
A
I also want to add to that that so many of us have also followed the traditional pathways laid out before us. And if you're truly going after a goal that feels impossible or that people are telling you is like unrealistic, right. There is no prescribed pathway. So not only are we questioning what's enough for me to do every day, but we're also questioning what do I do every day? Because there's no, you know, it's not like the traditional LinkedIn pathway, right. Or the resume pathway. You're starting from zero and having to create something that never existed before. So the way that I work with people on this is we break our big goals down into smaller manageable chunks. And a really easy way to look at this is through money, right? So say you want to have a six figure business. Well, a six figure business is 8,000 off the top of my head, $8,666 a month, right? You don't want to wake up on January 1st and say, oh my God, how am I going to create $100,000 today? You want to wake up on January 1st and say, how do I create $274 today? And that's enough. Because if you create $274 every day for 365 days, you have a six figure business. So what I help clients do is we take whatever that big vision is and then say, okay, well, if that's where you want to be by the end of the year, what happens in quarter one? And if we know where we want to be at the end of quarter one, what happens in January? And if we know where we want to be at the end of January, what needs to happen? Week one of January and if we know where we're going to be by Friday of week one in January, what is one thing or two things that I can do today to get there? And that's how. So working backwards and then as you're, you are building, you're taking those steps, you start moving forwards and you say, oh my goodness, one to two actions a day. This week I hit my Friday goal. Well, my Friday goal. One plus two plus three plus four. Oh my goodness, I hit my January goal. Now January plus February plus March, oh my goodness, now I hit my quarter one goal. All right, what does quarter two look like? And what does April look like? And what does week one of April look like? Right? And it's this constant iterative process where we're constantly breaking down. I always say, how do you eat an elephant?
- [20:21]
B
One bite at a time, one bite.
- [20:23]
A
At a time, right? And so it's like, okay, well did I take a big enough bite today? Well, let's look at the data. If you're taking these steps and reaching this point, which is then reaching this point and this point, then yeah, could you do more? Do you have the energy to do more or are you depleted? Well, if you have the energy to take one more small step today and you're feeling excited and enthusiastic about it, and you're feeling aligned with your future self, do it. If you're feeling depleted and overwhelmed and like you're overworking and under living and you just need to go put your feet in the grass, let what you did for today be enough and go put your feet in the grass.
- [21:02]
B
Yeah, I think I have a hard time balancing this concept with another that another author has kind of talked about. I know I've talked about it as well, of I tend to focus on building an experimental mindset instead of focusing so heavily on goal setting and working down and breaking it backwards. Because I've done that like I've done the linear thinking of. But I do think regardless of how you ultimately want to pursue it in a more traditional goal setting method or in the experimental way I've talked about with a previous guest, I still think there's a fundamental truth under all of this that how are you taking a single step today or that bite sized chunk today? Because you still have to take action like, it is still up to you to move the needle. No one else is coming in and telling you what to do. And I think all the time about how my business started a decade ago. And it's weird. When you're an entrepreneur and you're building your own business, you can look around all you want and say, oh, my gosh, I want what they have. I want what they have. I want what they have. But where you are is a compilation of all the steps you've taken. And so if you're not taking steps and you're just constantly worried about what everyone else is doing, you're not going to go anywhere. But I think what you're focusing on is, how do I do that while feeling the way I want to feel? And it does mean respecting when you're having those bad days that you. You shouldn't try to push through. Like, it's not helpful.
- [22:47]
A
That is a narrative that I'm ready for our world to definitely be done with the. Like, I'll just push through. Like, no, there's a reason that I'm not feeling so great today. So maybe if I just tended to myself and filled up my well of energy of whatever, and then got myself to a good feeling space and then took action, like, I don't know, maybe my actions would result in better things. I actually. I want to revisit. I actually think that the experimentation. Because the system, I just told you, still holds a lot of experimentation. And one of the things that I really recommend for people, because people will sit down and they'll be like, okay, quarter one. I'm going to plan out my entire January, my entire February, my entire March. And I'm like, no.
- [23:32]
B
Right.
- [23:32]
A
I even see it as, like, not necessarily even planning, but being like, if I know that I'm, say, hiking Mount Kilimanjaro, I'm going to get to a mile marker that's going to let me know that I'm on the right path and that I'm, like, on the right pace, right? So for me, when I set, like, a month and I'll sit down on Wednesday because it's the end of April, and look forward like, okay, what is my focus for May? It's almost, again, just kind of like setting that bullseye. And then I don't recommend that people plan out the entire month in one sitting, because what'll happen is, like, you mentioned experimentation. You're going to do something, and it's going to maybe veer you off in a different direction. Or have you seen. I. I always joke that I bring this reference up all the time. Have you seen the 80s movie the Labyrinth with David Bowie?
- [24:26]
B
Oh, I don't know if I have.
- [24:28]
A
Okay, great movie. First of all, it's a Muppet movie. Big fan.
- [24:32]
B
Oh, then I definitely need to see it.
- [24:34]
A
David Bowie. Love him. Amazing. In her epic journey, there's this thing called the Bog of Eternal Stench. I love bringing this up when I'm speaking places. What happens is when you look across this bog, you have to cross this thing. If you touch the bog, you will eternally stench for the rest of your life. So you don't want to touch the bog, but there's no stepping stones. So what happens when you get to the edge of the bog? The first stone pops up, but the second and third stones don't pop up until you're on the first stone. So I actually recommend for people, don't plan out every single stone for the month, the week, the quarter, the year. Don't plan them all out, but set a destination for yourself of like, okay, I think if I'm here by the end of January, I'll know that I'm on track for my quarter. But there's still so much, like you said, experimentation that happens on a daily, weekly, monthly basis that if you stick to a rigid goal and you get to that first stepping stone and the second stepping stone that pops up isn't the one you were expecting, your entire plan is gone and done. So don't take the time and energy to meticulously micromanage every step. Be in the experimentation of it, like you're saying, while also kind of having some of those mile markers just to help know, like, okay, I'm moving forward at the adequate pace that I want to be moving forward at.
- [26:06]
B
Yeah. Want to learn exactly step by step how to get paid to generate leads in your business. I'm ready to give you the exact steps that help me generate tens of thousands of qualified leads and millions in low ticket digital product sales. I won't just show you what I did, but teach you how you can do it too. I'm talking not just how to create low ticket digital products, but but also showing you how to use them strategically to generate leads for your other existing or future offers. I'm sharing it all@bossproject.com jumpstart including exactly how I made $8033 and generated 277 leads my very first month selling digital products. Find out more@bossproject.com Jumpstart May is Small Business Month and FreshBooks is here to support your business with special savings. FreshBooks is the user friendly accounting platform for your business. Switch to FreshBooks for a better accounting experience. No more late nights drowning in paperwork or searching for lost receipts. Snap photos of your expenses on the go. Send professional invoices in seconds and track payments seamlessly. FreshBooks automates invoicing and expenses, processes payments, connects bank accounts and provides real time reporting. Streamline your bookkeeping with FreshBooks today. Switching to FreshBooks has never been easier. Even if you're coming from another accounting tool. FreshBooks makes migrating your data simple and their support team is ready if you need help. Happy Small Business Month. Celebrate with special savings from FreshBooks. Get FreshBooks 50% off for six months@freshbooks.com that's 50% off for six months@FreshBooks.com you want to, I say, like, set a direction without having a pure destiny. You don't have to have a specific destination. You're just like walking north. You know what I mean? Like you're going in the direction of taking a step towards this could mean this. And it's weird, especially when we're so used to this prescriptive way to move through life. In school, you do assignments and you follow a syllabus and you check boxes and you do the things you're told to do. But we've all heard this saying that the 8020 rule that 80% of what you do is completed in only 20% of the tasks that you're doing. You get the most done in this little sliver of time and energy and space. And we're taught to just like fill the voids with busy work because we're supposed to be working. I hate it here. Let me out of the chaos. How do you get out of that rhythm? How do we do something different?
- [29:00]
A
I mean, it truly is like breaking an addiction. Because also for those of us that are high achievers, a lot of our value and a lot of our worth we have tied to how much output we have or how much we get done. And the truth is, if 20% of what we're doing is creating 80% of our results, why are we doing the other 80%? Why? Like, it's literally an addiction. So I think we need to redefine what, again, what success looks like to us. Does success look to you like working 10 hours a day? Or does success to you look like I'm going to put in that 20% and eat all of those frogs that are going to get me that 80% of my results and then I'M going to give myself permission to go play. I'm going to give myself permission to go sit in the sun because it's 85 degrees outside right now. I'm going to give myself permission to go pick peonies and put, like, a nice jar of peonies on my table today for myself. Right. Like, what is success to you? If success to you is overworking and that makes you successful, by all means, keep doing it. My guess is, if you're listening to this, that's probably not your definition. So when you hit that point where you're like, man, I've really eaten a lot of frogs today, and I'm really proud of myself for focusing on the 20%, the 80%, I don't actually. I don't need to do it. It's not necessary.
- [30:30]
B
Yeah, it's not necessary. I think it's interesting that you said it's like breaking an addiction. You saying that. Reminds me of a book I've been reading called Steps. It's a guide to transforming your life when willpower isn't enough. And it's written by John Ortberg, and he's specifically adapting the 12 steps that are taken in Alcoholics Anonymous and applying them to everyday life. Now, he's doing it with a Christian lens, but there's plenty of other people out there who've similarly taken the steps that are in AA and helped people apply them to other areas of their life. But going through that process, my gosh, it is like a reckoning if you want to completely dismantle your life and put it back together. Following the steps from AA is like life transforming regardless of if you think you're addicted to busy work or not. It just really gets you to think about where you're at and where you want to be and surrendering and, like, letting other people help you on your journey and, like, all the things. So if you think of it as an addiction for yourself, like, if you know you're overworking, I just think it's a good resource in terms of how to potentially look at it.
- [31:57]
A
I love that. And it's so common. Like, I mean, we know it works, right? So if your brain starts telling you.
- [32:03]
B
Oh, yeah, there's so much science to know that it works. Yes.
- [32:07]
A
If your brain starts telling you that it's stupid and you don't need to do it and da, da, da, da, like, look at the science. Yeah, it's all there.
- [32:13]
B
It's all there. There's a reason it's embedded. There's a lot of psychology that went into it. I'm curious for yourself. When you're looking at 80, 20 and you're thinking about what's the 20% that moves the needle? How do you know? How are you identifying the things that are making the biggest difference so that you can take the gap and live your life?
- [32:38]
A
Yes. Two things. One, I have a very so along with my weekly, monthly, quarterly, blah, blah, blah, I sit down at the end of every month and look at what worked this month, what didn't work this month, where did I put my energy and attention that provided results for me and where did I put my energy and attention that was just me spinning my wheels. Right? So again, data. I love data. Because you know what? Your brain can't argue with facts. Can't argue with facts. So I love data and I will sit down and look at. Oh well, communicating with my newsletter list actually resulted in some great things this month. Mindlessly scrolling Instagram did not result in some great things this month. So what if as an experiment, I could do less of that next month? Right? So data, the other thing I look at is what felt good and what didn't feel good. Again, in this realm of overworking and under living, the point of all of this is not to feel terrible every day we put ourselves through feel like I am the worst boss to my. I am the worst boss to myself that I have ever had in my life. I'm the hardest on my like the worst. Right. But the point of all of this is not to feel terrible every day. So I also look at what felt good and aligned and exciting and what didn't. What drug me down? What did I dread? What did I put off? What did I procrastinate? Like that again, all data. All data. Because if you're trying to force yourself to do things that your brain doesn't want to do because maybe they're not aligned. What if you could actually feel good while building your business or building this impossible dream that you have? Or like, I mean, maybe I'm delusional, but I believe that there's so much more out there and I believe that we get to enjoy the journey and the experience as we're doing these things.
- [34:41]
B
Yeah. So it's not business, but I think anything that you apply in life can apply in business. Okay. And I'll be honest, there have been points in my marriage where I felt like I had a roommate and I liked my roommate. We were friends, we chatted about all the things, we talked about life, but the love or like the Intimacy had diminished in a lot of ways. And you say live in the delusion, but what would it look like to show love to a partner or love someone the way you want to receive love back? And it was fascinating. You have to obviously have two people on board for this process to work. But I went from being roommates with my spouse to thinking he's the hottest guy on the planet. And I we can get down anytime you want, babe, because I love you and I also think you're great in bed. So like. But that didn't happen by just like, being realistic all the time. There was a lot of like, over romanticizing, literally romantics and like figuring out what we wanted and, and being okay with just doing it. And the difference isn't just in our relationship. We went to ice cream with one of our good friends, but also someone who had never met us before. And she's like, I definitely thought you were still dating because you guys like each other so so much. Like, we've been married for 12 years, so thank you so much. I really appreciate you right now.
- [36:24]
A
Well, and so transparently my husband and I see a therapist. We have. We just got married in October, but we've seen a therapist for the last two years. Not because anything's wrong in our relationship, but because, like, I'm super committed to living an expansive life in all areas. And one of the things that she has encouraged us to do is to be super purposeful about everything. Right. And so whether this is your relationship with someone else, whether this is your relationship with yourself, whether this is your business, we have started, like, we set up times. Like we have a non negotiable date night where phones are down. It's just us. We may be out in the world doing something. We may be in the backyard just having a bonfire. Right. But like, we purposefully carve out rituals to let that other person know that we or ourselves. Right. That we are committed to them and that we've like, put these rituals in place so that we can be successful together and we can be on the same page. And so, yeah, whether you're doing that with your partner or whether you're doing that with yourself or whether you're doing that with your business, like, it's so important to make sure that, yeah, that energy is there and behind it and that everything's moving in the same direction because the two of you committed to pouring energy into that in a really beautiful way and putting down work and choosing each other and focusing on each other. I love that.
- [38:10]
B
Yeah, I think so often we think of it as being too hard to start. One thing I felt like I was really craving this year in particular was more adventure. Like, I just felt like I was just kind of stuck and my life had felt really monotonous and I was just doing the same thing over and over again. And. And they say, whoever they is, who knows? They say that the more novel, like first time experiences you have, the slower life goes. It slows down the monotony because your life is broken up with more interesting things that are happening. And so it's really easy to think, if you want more adventure, you should like, plan some huge trip. Which I am taking a trip to the UK later this year, but that's like a week out of the whole year. And so, like, how do you do that in the everyday? And it's been some really wild things. Like, we started a bonfire night that happens once a week. We gone to a tulip festival. We took a day or a weekend trip to Bentonville, Arkansas. We did a sound bath. We've done cookies with friends. Like, we've taken our niece to the park. And like just adding all of those things up. My life has felt so much more full.
- [39:35]
A
Do you come up with all those things or did you get like a book of couples activities to do? Like, how do you guys think of all these things?
- [39:43]
B
Well, I. First of all, I think you just have to start paying attention a little bit more with like, what's going on in your community. Because the reason I went to the Tulip festival is I saw an ad and I was like, we should go to that. But instead of just saying we should go to that, we, we bought tickets. And instead of saying, oh, so and so is telling me they're going to a comedy show, instead of saying, that sounds fun. I was like, what seats are you in so we can sit next to you. And then buying the tickets. Also just finding friends that like, are naturally better at this than you are and asking what they're thinking about or what they're up to or what they have planned. And I know for sure having those influences helps far more than I realized because I've also had years where I had boring friends. Like.
- [40:37]
A
That'S funny.
- [40:38]
B
Where they're like, I don't know, let's just go to dinner. I'm like, okay, but what else?
- [40:42]
A
Yeah, so it's funny. I was feeling very similarly and part of why I ended up house sitting in Arkansas with a dog, two cats, and 16 chickens, which BTdubs, I am terrified of birds so, like, the chickens thing is, like, not really in my comfort zone, but also I was feeling like I was in this Groundhog Day and my office is our shed. So literally my commute is like 30 seconds each day, back and forth, and I was seeing all the same things, having all the same conversations, doing all the same stuff, and I just felt like I wanted to rip my skin off. And a girlfriend of mine. So you shared the experience of, like, doing this with a partner. I chose to do mine on my own, which has actually ignited some stuff with my partner as well, which we can talk about. But a girlfriend of mine was like, listen, if you were watching your life as if it were a movie and you were super, super invested in this main character and what she was doing in the movie and all this stuff, and as a viewer, what would you want to see her do next? And immediately in the silence, my brain was like, don't go back to Tulsa after Chicago. And I was like, okay, what does that mean? And like, what am I telling my brand new husband that I'm like, never coming home? Like, what? What? And so I had to sit with it, obviously, again, in the silence that I mentioned earlier, and be like, what does this actually mean? And what am I actually craving from this? Experience. Experience. And that's how I ended up in Arkansas with a dog, two cats, and 16 chickens when I'm terrified of birds. And, yeah, it took me five times longer to make lunch on the first day I was here because I didn't know where anything was. But you talk about, like, slowing life down with new stimuli and new environments and new things. Right? Like, and what was really cool was my husband and I both wanted to see the movie Sinners. And I was like, man, I don't know if it's still going to be in theaters when I get home. And I really want to go see it and I really want to support it. So he went to see the movie in Tulsa on Saturday, and I went to see the movie here on Saturday, and then we had a FaceTime later to, like, jam about it and connect about it. And what did he like and what did we learn and all these things? And so I'm. I don't know. This year my whole thing is about, like, getting out of my comfort zone and getting out of my monotony, because I think that that also does box us into the like, well, here's where I'm going to be this month, and this is what I got to focus on this week and not also then adding back in the like, well, but what if I launched this revenue stream? Or what if I talked to this potential client? Or what if I did this thing that was like experimental and crazy and wild and blah blah, blah. So yeah, I think that it's so important for us too to just like get out of our own way and maybe take our focus off of our ambition for just like a minute. It's still gonna be there when I get back to it.
- [43:40]
B
Oh, totally. It's still going to be there. And often the reason we're ambitious is we're filling a void. Like I wanted, I kept going inward to my business to say, you need to provide all the things for me. You need to provide the money, the entertainment, the satisfaction, the endearment from other people, the praise, the pride that like all of it, I was putting all of this pressure on my business to be everything to me all of the time. And it was letting me down a lot because, like, it can't. It's an inanimate made up job that I defined for myself. So I think you get to decide what pieces of it come from work and what come from outside experiences. But I will tell you, work gets a hell of a lot easier when you're enjoying the things you're doing outside of it. Being able to completely forget. I used to never forget. Like I'd go in on Monday and I'd be like, I know what I need to do. Lately I've been living my life so fully. I come back on Monday and I'm like, where am I? What am I working on? Because I completely checked out 100% and it's so much more refreshing to come at it from that perspective. Yeah, I'm curious to kind of close this out. If someone was listening today and only were to remember one thing about building success differently, what do you want it to be?
- [45:14]
A
I mean, really, I think the props, like the core base, first step that everyone has to take is really sitting down with themselves. Maybe your journal, maybe meditation, whatever your process is, and really asking yourself, what does success mean to me? Because at the base, if you're building a definition of success that's not going to fulfill you, you're going to be running on a hamster wheel for the rest of your life. So the first thing that anyone needs to do is what is my definition of success? And if I'm defining success on all these external measures, like you said earlier, that I can't control, like, am I setting myself up for failure? And what if there was an easier way? And the journey felt better at the same time. I mean, I know that's asking a lot, right? Like an easier path that feels better. What all of us high achievers are like, that's not what we're used to. But the first question is, truly is like, what is my definition of success? That is the crux of so much of this work. And then the goals can come on top of that and then the pathway can come on top of that. But you need to be aiming at what you want, otherwise you're going to get there and be miserable and have to deconstruct and reconstruct and deconstruct and reconstruct. So might as well shortcut it and just let yourself define what is success to me and me alone.
- [46:49]
B
Well, I could talk about this all day. I love this topic and I think so many people are going to benefit from today's episode. Where can people find you though? Find you online, learn more about your defy process, and even work with you directly?
- [47:08]
A
Yes, my website is a really great place to start, which is my name, Brise Ely. B R I s e E-E-L-E-Y.com I have a YouTube channel. You can find me there. I have an Instagram also, Brise Lee, and then I have a podcast called the Big Goal Energy Podcast.
- [47:26]
B
Yeah, man, I just want to leave you guys with this. Success doesn't have to mean sacrifice. It doesn't have to look like burnout or constant striving. It can look like freedom, fulfillment, and living unapologetically. Thank you so much, so much, Bri, for this powerful reminder. And if today's episode like really touched you, share it with someone who's ready to build their dreams on their own terms. It would mean so much to me. And if you tag us both on Instagram, like bonus points. So thank you and have a great rest of your day. Hey, a few quick favors before you leave. I'd love if you'd share today's episode, send it to a friend who needs to hear it and post on social media. You can show us where you're listening from, your favorite takeaway or why someone else should listen. Be sure to tag me at Abigail says and Boss Project so we can share it. Okay. Second favor, to get podcast updates and all the behind the scenes news from Boss Project. I'd love if you'd join my VIP list. Just head to bossproject.com signup to make sure I have all your contact details. Really love this show. It would mean so much to me if you'd leave a rating and review. It not only helps more listeners find the show, but allows us to bring on quality sponsors so we can keep bringing you this valuable content for free. Thanks so much for listening. Until next time.