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A (17:30)

Being love and belonging to where you're seeking friendship, intimacy, family and a sense of connection. There's also esteem, which is about respect and self esteem and status and strength and freedom. And the ultimate need is self actualization, desire to become the most that one can be. And I think so often that's what we're actually trying to achieve. But we're trying to skip all of these other steps. And it took kind of a rearranging of my life for me to realize that I was never going to be enough without community. I wanted to be enough all on my own. I wanted to be hyper independent self kind of. I don't know what the word I'm going for is, but really focused on being sure I was the only one who would ever take care of me. But you need more than that. You need other people to take care of you. Not all the time and not for everything. I'm not talking about them rescuing you. But you need love and a sense of belonging. Of course you do. And you know if you back out and look at it, I know you know that. But often when there is this shift happening, we don't see that as the solution. We think we need to do more of what we've been doing, work harder, accomplish more, get more validation, have more money, put more money away in savings like we think that will make the shift. And it's not going to. It's not going to. I do Think, in some ways, you attempting to focus on those things can sometimes, not always, can sometimes earn you that esteem, that respect or status or recognition. But it's all coming from this place of overwork and underappreciation of self. So it's just happening, but you're, like, glossing over it every single time because you're missing such a key and important component. And it's really easy to want to put that, like, all in one place. Like, if I have a solid, intimate partner, usually sexual partner, like a spouse, then that's all I need. Then I have that love, I have that intimacy. But it is incredibly unhealthy and very unrealistic that we are going to be able to get all our needs met by one person in the same way. You know, people talk about needing a village to raise children. You need a village for different things. You need someone who will make you laugh. You need someone who'll make you cry or listen to you cry. You're gonna need someone who's gonna have fun. You're gonna need someone who can help you grow spiritually, who can support you psychologically. And some of these things, as odd as it sounds, I do think you can pay for, like, I do think a therapist can go a long way. I do think being a part of a church community can help. But I really avoided truly intimate friendships. I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want someone to know all of me and then be completely torn apart if they didn't like that person, that version of me. It's kind of an impossible thing to admit, you know, that you want that and that you deserve that, but you're scared of it. And ironically, I don't think I intentionally went after intimacy because intimacy feels very vulnerable, right? It feels exactly like it sounds very intimate. And so typically, we put that aside for a select few, right? But I did know, especially coming out of COVID that I needed friendship, genuine friendship. Because so many of my quote unquote friends up until this point were really business relationships. They were built on, I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine. And not that that's unhelpful. Like, clearly having business contacts, having business relationships, it's going to help that business grow. It's going to help you create that safety and security. It's going to give you an opportunity, when necessary, to talk to somebody else that actually gets it because they're in your shoes. But you also need people that could care less what you do for a living that has, you know, zero care in the world for how you're doing financially. Not that they don't want you to have enough. They do, but they don't care if you're rich or poor. They just care about you, regardless of all those things. But friendship was not just something that was going to fall into my lap. It wasn't going to be. And someday all these people will just exist and be new characters in my story. I had to go find them. I had to go put myself in a room consistently, again and again and again until I could really get to know people. Because, ironically, some of my best friends are the people that I had written off in the beginning. Not because I didn't think they were good people, but I assumed we didn't have enough in common or that our lives were too very different. But usually we're getting to know this, like, superficial version of people. What do you do for a living? How do you spend your free time? That we don't spend enough time getting to know people's hearts and values and the things they prioritize in life. We're focused on all these, like, frivolous, unimportant things. There's absolutely a reason I've talked about friendship on this show before. There's been multiple episodes on adult friendship. But I also think a good resource that has come up quite recently was totally took me by, like, what's the word I'm going for? It was just unexpected. This is not where I would have thought it would come from. But earlier this year I read the let them theory, and there's a whole section of the book on friendship. And I think it talks a lot about this closeness that we're seeking and how often how we're kind of pulled away from it because of this kind of separation that naturally happens at several inflection points in our lives. And for me, because I didn't have kids in my 20s, I lost a lot of friends. It's not that, like, I actually lost them. Like, they're, of course, still there. They're in my orbit. But our lives are so very different that we never had real reasons to cross paths. They started to feel weird about inviting me to their kid's birthday because now they're five or now they're eight. But that was the thing going on in their life. So if enough isn't some measure of output or something, you go and seek, like, a certain amount of money or you checking boxes. If it's not you arriving somewhere, if it's not some sort of destination, then, like, what is it? And it's not me sitting here saying that, oh, you know, it's not money at all. It's friendship and intimacy. No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we have complex needs. We need food and shelter and sleep and clothes on our back. We need to have our safety needs met. We need personal security. We need our health. We need financial resources. But we also need that love and belonging. We need to feel validated and recognized in our communities. Then and only then, can we become the most that we can be. Because when we're distracted by a lack of need, like this area is devoid in your life, I think it's very hard to do the most good that you can or be the best version of yourself that you can because you're struggling, because a need is literally not met. Now, my wealth isn't just measured by some number on a spreadsheet. It's not the amount of money in my bank account or my investment accounts. It's not how early I can retire. Although all of those things matter to me, that's not it. Wealth is also time, freedom, where and how I get to spend my time. Just having the choice to do something different. It's intentionally choosing calm instead of constantly putting myself in chaos. Because so often the things I say have to get done, especially as an entrepreneur, they're things that we put on ourselves. They're responsibilities that we say we have. We're the ones who defined how many social networks we're maintaining and how much output we have and how many times we launch and how many times we put our offers in front of people. All of those things are our decisions. And then we say we're out of time and we can't invest in all these other areas of our lives because we're not doing what we say we're going to do. But is what we say we're going to do a desperate need to fulfill yourself? I mean, I think more likely than not, yes. Because the people I've found, especially clients who've gotten to the point where they do have what they need, they feel lost for a period. They start to beat themselves up for not doing enough, for not, you know, moving forward at the same speed they once did. But wealth is being present. Wealth is having joy and peace and happiness. It's not just money. I don't know if you'll ever really know if you have enough. But my hope is that you realize that you are enough and that you don't have to be anyone but you to the rest of the world. You don't have to keep up the show, you don't have to keep performing, you don't have to keep acting a certain way because you think that's what people want from you. I mean, you can do that, it's clearly gotten you this far. But if you're as exhausted as I am or was, you know that you can't keep up with that either because you've put too much on your plate or because you're masking all the time. Enough is not some like destination that you're gonna reach and have some sort of finish line. It's always evolving with you. You're gonna have to see it through. You're gonna have to constantly revisit these things. Like, because our situations change, relationships change, the amount of money we need to survive in this country changes. Inflation's real, right? So we will have to reassess these things. But we can't get so hyper focused on one little piece of the puzzle because you're so much more complex than that. Not that you can't have the spreadsheet, not that you can't track your progress towards a goal, but if you think hitting it is going to make you feel a certain way, I doubt it. At least not for very long. Years ago, when I started this business, I focused on creative entrepreneurs, people who saw themselves as creative. And sometimes over the years that's evolved. And I've spoken more generally to a population of entrepreneurs doing a wide variety of things. But I think often that's what we're seeking. One person's version of self actualization is morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, a lack of prejudice and acceptance of facts. Self actualization, by definition, is the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities. We all want the feeling of fulfillment. We all want to feel enough. We all want to feel satisfied. And my question to you is, are you ever gonna feel that creativity and that groundedness and that acceptance if you don't have those other things taken care of? I don't think so. We wanna jump there. We wanna focus on personal growth. There's a reason self help is such a huge industry, right? Because we want to get there, we want to focus on that. But if we're not focused on the other things first, it's just not going to happen. So the question I want to leave you with is perhaps it's twofold. One, where are you putting your focus or emphasis? What have you convinced yourself that you need in order to have that enoughness satisfied? Where have you been putting your time and energy. And two, if you were to spread that energy out a little more and include some of these other pieces, where have you been completely neglecting yourself and your personal needs? By no means do I know this statistically, but I know enough of you personally and I know my audience enough to know that for the majority of you it is that lack of belonging. You're missing the love and intimacy in your life. And so if I can encourage you to do anything is to put a little less on your to do list and a little more emphasis on the community you want to build.

B (33:33)

Hey, a few quick favors before you leave. I'd love if you'd share today's episode, send it to a friend who needs to hear it and post on social. You can show us where you're listening from, your favorite takeaway, or why someone else should listen. Be sure to tag me at Abigail says and ossproject so we can share it.

A (33:50)

Okay.

B (33:50)

Second favor to get podcast updates and all the behind the scenes news from Boss Project. I'd love if you join my VIP list. Just head to bossproject.com signup to make sure I have all your contact details. Really love this show. It would mean so much to me.

A (34:06)

If you'd leave a rating and review.

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It not only helps more listeners find the show, but allows us to bring on quality sponsors so we can keep bringing you this valuable content for free. Thanks so much for listening.

A (34:17)

Until next time.