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Hi there, friends. I am so glad you're here. So we're gonna do something a little bit different today. You all know that this show is all about making our next chapter our best chapter. And that has a lot to do with our health. Of course we talk about sleep, hormones, the gut, the protein, the workouts. We talk about it all because it really matters. But so much of this next chapter, I've realized, is also about our relationships. And if there's one thing that affects your health more than almost anything we talk about on this show, it's a person you have chosen to live your life with. You can fix your sleep, dial in your protein, lift heavy weights, take your hormones, do everything right. And if you're coming home every night to a partner who drains you, then none of that works. Your body keeps a score. We've heard that over and over. Your nervous system knows. Your sleep knows. Your belly knows. And I have to say something, because I have the most badass, beautiful listeners of any podcast out there. I really believe that. I may be biased, but it's true. To me, you are accomplished and you are sharp, and you are the women holding everything together for everyone else in your life. So many of us have still found ourselves, though, in a situation, including me, where we look around and go, how the hell did I even get here? And I used to be so embarrassed to talk about this part of my life. But I have been in relationships with abusive men, with manipulative men, with insecure men, with controlling men. You name it. I have met them over and over again. And I personally consider myself a confident, smart, capable woman, highly independent. So I want to say this clearly. Just because you're beautiful and confident and smart does not make you invincible to being in a bad relationship. It really doesn't. So I'm taking the shame out of the conversation right here, right now. And the reason I want to do this episode is because I was thinking over and over, I wish someone had told me this earlier. I don't want any of you sitting alone, no matter your age, thinking that you are the only one this has happened to, because you are not. And we have not talked about this enough, not nearly enough. At dsw, we ask the important questions, like, what shoes are you going to wear? Whether you're prepping for wedding season, festival season, or just planning the ultimate vacay, the right shoes can make or break an rsvp. So own the moment. You've got big plans, and we've got just the shoes at the perfect price, of course. Get Ready to get ready with Designer Shoe Warehouse? Head to your DSW store or dsw.com today and let us surprise you. This Monday.com ad was created by a team of people and AI agents. Reese, our content agent, wrote the copy based on our best practice practices, like mentioning Monday.com three times. That was the second. Johnny, our coordination agent, built the timeline and kept everyone aligned. Olivia, our human creative director, stayed in the loop because agents are great, but they don't always know when a joke lands. She had one note tell listeners it only takes minutes to build an agent. So minutes. Create your own AI agent today on Monday.com so I had a whole life before I had this podcast and in one of those lives I was a matchmaker in New York City with my former husband in the early 2000s. We were married at the time. I sat across from hundreds and hundreds of women looking for love and I watched the same patterns play out over and over again. I could see it from across the table before they could. Not because I'm special, not because I have some special powers, but I had an outside view and they were in it the same way. You cannot read the label from inside the bottle. And I have to name something that I have watched women do over and over again and I've even done it myself for sure so many times. So many times when women are dating or already in a relationship, they're so eager to find love and eager to say that they are in something that it's easy to gloss over the warning signs and they take a red flag and convince themselves it's actually a pretty pink color. They make it cute and fun and they make things that shouldn't be forgivable and it's not their fault because we all tell ourselves things like oh, it was a one time thing or that's just how he is, or he's working on it right now. And I call those pink flags. And listen, I am plenty guilty of finding pink flags that should be red. If you're sitting there thinking, well, I'm married, this episode doesn't apply to me. Tamsin, please keep listening. Because pink flags don't disappear when you get married. Sometimes they get bigger. We just stop calling them flags and we start calling them well, that's just how things have always been. This is just kind of the way it is. So today I wanna talk and walk you through five patterns I really want you to be aware of. I'm not telling you to dump your partner tomorrow. That's not what any of this is about. But by the end of this episode, I want you to be more aware of what's in front of you, because awareness is the first step to anything changing in your life, and you deserve the best. And. And these are not the obvious ones. I'm not gonna tell you that if he doesn't text you back, he's bad news. We're gonna go way deeper than that. We. We've heard all that. Quick disclaimer before we dive in. I'm not a therapist. I'm a journalist who has lived this and also a former matchmaker who watch a lot of relationships from the outside. So take what I share to your own therapist or a trusted friend, because your relationship and your history are yours alone. One more note. I'm going to say he throughout this episode because that is the dynamic I know best and the dynamic most of you are in. But these patterns show up in any and all relationships. So just translate the pronouns. Okay, let's get into it. So, number one, how he handles a fight. I want to start here, because every single relationship has fights, even the perfect ones. There's no version of two people sharing a life where you're just agree on everything. So the question is not whether you fight. The question is what happens after that disagreement. There are two camps. He repairs or he punishes. A repairer is somebody who comes back. Maybe not five minutes, but he comes back. He cools off. He thinks about his part and all of it, and he finds you. He says, I was wrong or I'm sorry or I shouldn't have said that, or some version of I love you and I really want to figure this out with you. He does the work to come back to the connection. On the other hand, we have the punisher, and I've had a lot of these. He stonewalls. He gives you the silent treatment for hours, for days, sometimes longer. Sleeps at the back to you, like, let you know he's pissed off all the time. He waits for you to crack and apologize first, even if he was the one that was wrong in the beginning. He uses absence and silence as a weapon. And the fight ends eventually. Not because anything was resolved, but because you got tired of that cool coldness and you went back to him just to, like, stop having that stress. Now, I want you to think about what that does to you over time, because a silent treatment is not just an annoying habit that kind of makes you mad. It is truly a form of emotional control, and it has real, measurable effects on the person it's used on. When someone you Love withdraws affection as a punishment. My nervous system, your nervous system, reads it as a real threat. You feel it all the time. The same parts of your brain that light up for physical pain light up for being shut out by somebody you depend on. So when you live with a punisher for years, it's not just your body that's stressed during those cold periods. It is stressed in anticipation of them, worrying it's going to happen again. Remembering what it was like watching for like early signs in his face. And so what do you do? You start managing your words. You start swallowing things that bother you because raising them isn't even worth the freeze that's going to follow. And that's what stonewalling actually does. It doesn't just end fights. It teaches you to stop having them before they can even start. So you swallow things over and over again and over a long enough time. It teaches you to stop having needs or thought thoughts or feelings. Because every need is a potential trigger and then every trigger is a potential cold war. And if you have learned anything that is unbearable. So you make yourself smaller and quieter and smaller until the fighting stops. And then from the outside, it looks pretty peaceful. From the inside, maybe you feel like you've just disappeared. This is one of the reasons women in long relationships with punishers describe themselves as exhausted in a way they can't even explain it. And it gets me so upset to hear because I've been in those relationships, so I know what that sickening feeling is in your stomach. That exhaustion is the cost of the constant low grade vigilance. It's not the fights that kind of wear you out over time. It's the work of being on tiptoe to prevent them. The reason this one matters so much, especially in midlife, is that you can't avoid fighting in a long relationship. I'm sorry, like I fight, I get it. Conflict comes for everybody over 20 years. So the way your partner handles conflict is, is really going to determine the shape of your whole life together and your health. If he stonewalls, you are going to spend the next decades doing that emotional labor of every single repair while he just kind of watches. And that erodes you in a way that I really believe is hard to come back from. So look at the pattern. Who's done the most apologizing in your relationship? Who's done the most work to get like back to normal, back to center after a fight, if it's mostly you, every time, that is data. That's not a difference in personality. That is A pattern. And the pattern tells you who's invested in repair and who is comfortable making you do it all by yourself. And quite frankly, that's just not fair. All right, Number two. He's threatened by your growth. This one comes in two flavors that go together, too, so I'm putting them in the same flag. The first is competition. You get a promotion. He points out the downside of it. You start a new project. He tells you why it won't work. You hit a goal at the gym. He reminds you that he used to be in better shape. You have good news. He turns it into a conversation about himself. You stop bringing your wins because you've learned that his reaction always lands wrong. It's competition. And then the second is threat. You decide to start therapy. He makes fun of it a little bit, or he rolls his eyes. You start listening to a podcast that you say it's changing your life, and he just kind of poo poos the whole thing. You start supplements, the gym, a new routine, a new friend group, all of a new whatever. And instead of cheering you on and supporting you, he finds a way to undermine it. He makes jokes about it in front of other people, picks fights about the time you spend on it, refuses to do any version of his own work, but somehow criticizes yours. These are kind of the same flag because they come from the same place. He can't be a fan of your forward motion either because that makes him look slower or not as successful or. And this is a disturbing part, he's afraid of what you're going to become if you keep going. Now, I want you to feel what this is actually doing to you, because every time you bring something good to your partner and his face falls, that is tiny grief. You came to him to share and you walked away with less than when you got there. And once or twice, that is a bad day. And then over the years, you stop bringing it all together because you already know what the response is going to be. You stop bringing the wins, and you stop having a parallel inner life. So there's like a person of you that's over here at the gym or at work or with your friends, excited, sharing, feeling alive. And then there's this version of you at home who's careful, and the two of you stop being the same person. And that happened to me. It happened to me mostly in the workplace. I was with somebody that told me all the time, like, why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you further along? 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I know because I officially own four of the cotton cashmere rib tanks in four different colors. They're so easy to pack and wear, making summer easier. Everything at Quint's is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen entirely. It's not just clothes, though. Quint's also has elevated essentials for your home. Bedding, bath, kitchen and furniture. Make your summer wardrobe feel easier. Go to Quince.com Tamsen for free shipping on your order and 365 day. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Tamsen for free Shipping and 365 day returns Quince.com Tamsen so there's a phrase I hear all the time from women in this exact dynamic. They tell me they feel lonely in their marriage or relationship. That's a phrase. Lonely in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, having breakfast together, dinner together. Lonely because the place that should be safest for you to be excited has become a place you have to match, manage all your excitement to make sure you don't piss anybody off. So you're actually celebrating alone. Your wins are alone. And after years of all that, you start wondering whether or not your wins are actually real. Because that person, that most important person in your life who's supposed to mirror them back to you, keeps dismissing them. And the psychology underneath all this is often shame. Your partner has built his identity about being more accomplished, smarter, more confident, and your trajectory has shifted the math in the relationship. And quite frankly, it's just so simple as ego, can't tolerate it. But here's what I want you to know. That is his work to do. It's not your job to dim yourself so he can feel brighter and better. And that goes for anything, romantic relationship or non romantic relationship. And when I think about this, this one hits the hardest for women listening to this show because you're women that do the work. You're the ones who started the supplements, did the therapy, created your next chapter, went to that next place in life. Refuse to be invisible, refuse to coast. You want to be the one that keeps growing. And I, I hear you because I'm right there with you. And so many of the women I hear from are the ones whose partners are quietly or not so quietly, not supporting it or going against it. The thing to look at is not whether or not he agrees with everything you do. Nobody's going to do that. He's allowed to have his opinions. The thing to look at is whether or not he wants to also keep growing or just slow you down so he's more comfortable. That right partner is sitting in the front row of your reinvention. They're supporting you all the way. The wrong partner is hoping you stop. I hope that sinks in. All right, number three, contempt. So you know what that is. This one has a name and the name comes from research. And I want you to know it because most women don't realize this. I didn't realize this early on. There's a researcher named Dr. John Gottman who has spent his entire career Studying what makes couples last and what makes them split. And he can predict with uncanny accuracy which couples will be divorced years later by watching them talk for 15 minutes. I wish I had him, like, 20 years ago. The single biggest predictor of divorce, the thing that he calls more powerful than anything else that he measures, is contempt. So let's define contempt. Contempt is not yelling. Yelling is anger. And anger is the normal part of conflict. Contempt is something else. Contempt is that sneer or that, like, eye roll, the sarcasm dressed up as humor, but it's actually not really funny. It's hurtful. That mocking tone when he kind of repeats something he said, the way he describes you to his friends, like you're the punchline. And the little ways he signals that he is above you, smarter than you, and you're just kind of. Just a little ridiculous. Here's why contempt is so dangerous. Contempt is not just frustration. It is a message delivered with the body, with their tone, with the face, that one person is above the other. And if he's doing that, he's sending it. You're receiving it day after day, year after year, and anticipating it. And our bodies and brains are not built to take that signal forever without changing how we see ourselves. So what happens? We start to believe it. Not because we're weak, because that is what contempt does. And I had no idea till I read a lot of this data. What I didn't even understand what contempt really meant. It's designed to lower the other person, and over enough time, it actually works. And you start to believe you're the punchline, and you start to believe you are less than. You start deferring on things that you should have authority on. You start apologizing. You start saying I'm sorry before you even know why you're saying I'm sorry. You stop trusting your own opinions because that person closest to you has been quietly telling you forever without saying it directly, that your opinions are just ridiculous or silly. And that's why Dr. Gottman's research is so. It's so chilling to me, because contempt does not just damage a relationship. It actually damages a person on the receiving end of it long after the relationship is over. Women who have lived with partners like this often describe how much work they had to do to find themselves again way long after that partner's gone. They actually had to relearn. They weren't the joke. They had to relearn. Their thoughts were not stupid or silly, that they were allowed to take up space, which means they were allowed to be there and they belong there just like anybody else in the room. The reason so many women miss that one is that they think that's just how their partner is or that every couple just does that, like, it's the norm, and they've been on the receiving end of it for so long, it's kind of become wallpaper. They just kind of blank it over. They don't even see it anymore. But I'm telling you what, your body sees it and feels it. And contempt is a thing that wears down your nervous system over years. It's that thing that just makes you kind of flinch or go quiet or feel small. I always have that, like, little pit right there on my stomach when something's just not right. And I don't actually know that you can even point to specific moments all the time. But it is what makes you stop sharing things, stop bringing up new ideas, stop being, like, open and unafraid. Stop being yourself in your own home. If you're listening to this list and you're saying, like, is what's happening to me contempt? Here's the test. Are there things you no longer say in front of him because you know exactly how he's going to react? Are there parts of yourself you've quietly retired? If yes is that answer, contempt does not announce itself. It just slowly takes part of you off the table. All right, number four. Howie talks about your body, your weight, and your aging. And I want to spend. You know, I'm going to do this. I'm going to spend a little more time on this one, because I think this is one of the most important and one of the most common things that nobody is naming. Clearly, you're gonna go through the most physical change of your adult life right now, if we're lucky enough, quite frankly, to get to this place in life. Bodies are shifting, shape is changing. Hair, skin, weight, all the things we talk about on this podcast, the way you carry yourself, all of it right now is in motion, and it's gonna keep being in motion for the next chunk of your life. The partner who supports you through this is a partner you keep. That person who weaponizes it is a partner who is quietly destroying you, even if neither of you would call it that. So let's talk about what weaponizing looks like, because that's a strong word. It's those little comments. It's the joke about the jeans not fitting. Like, ah. You know, it's that look when you order dessert. Like, are you. Do you need that? Do you want that? Okay, the. You used to Be able to do that. Or the. Remember when you were, I don't know, two sizes smaller? The comparison to a younger woman, like in a movie or a show, teasing that goes on just that freaking beat too long or that long silence when you ask him how you look, a compliment, that's actually a critique. How do I look in this? You know, do you have something else or did it always look like that on you? If you like it. Yeah. If you like it, I like it. What the hell does that mean? It doesn't have to be cruel to be damaging. A lot of these men actually really love their wives. They're not setting out to hurt you, but they're commenting on a body that is doing exactly what bodies are supposed to do at this stage. And the running commentary, even when it's gentle, even when it's funny, is teaching your nervous system that you're being watched and graded by the person who is supposed to be safest for you. They might not even realize they're doing it. I want you to feel what this actually does because the partner who comments on your body is a partner who slowly takes you out of your own body. You stop dressing for what makes you feel good and start dressing to manage his reaction. You stand differently in your own kitchen. You stop letting people take photos of you. You stop initiating sex because you can't stop seeing yourself the way he imagined you. You no longer live in your own skin. You live in the version of your skin that is being graded. And what this does to a woman, like, I don't think it goes away on its own. The women I know who have lived in this for years often need real time therapy to come back to their own bodies. And that's not just to lose weight. That's just to kind of like feel good. Getting dressed in the morning without an audit, take a photo without flinching, reclaim the right to live in their own skin without commentary. And I've heard over and over, like, I don't know what he's going to think about this. I don't know. I don't know. And those are the things I'm talking about. The women I talk to who are getting through this stage with their confidence intact are not the ones who happen to look the same as they did at 30. They're the one whose partners are not commenting at all. Their partners decided, consciously or not, that aging is none of his business. And his job is to love her through it like she is loving him through it. And that's the bar. If your partner makes those comments, even small, funny ones, I think you need to name it. Not as a fight, because they might not even realize it as a that lands harder than you think it does. Please stop. And then you gotta watch what he does, whether he hears you or whether he's like, oh, you're being so sensitive. Get serious. That's a flag. My morning walks are one of the things I protect most of my life right now. The problem is summer throws everything off. I'm traveling out of my routine, doing different things, and all the habits I've worked so hard to build start slipping. That's exactly why I love Cachava now has travel packs, because the one thing I'm not willing to let slip when I travel is my nutrition. One packet has everything. Protein, fiber, greens, probiotics, electrolytes, vitamins and minerals omegas. All of it in one shake. I can just throw it in my bag and head out the door. No artificial flavors, no colors, no sweeteners, non gmo, no soy, no gluten, no animal products, no preservatives. Just clean nutrition that actually tastes good. My favorite is chocolate mint, which is backed by popular demand and honestly, I understand why There are eight flavors in all, so there's something for everyone. Summer is a season where routines fall apart. Cachava travel packs are how you make sure yours does not take your daily ritual with you. Go to kachava.com and use code TAMSEN for 15% off your first order. That's Kachava K A C-H-A-V A.com, code TAMSEN can I tell you something embarrassing? I put off eye exams for years. Not because I didn't know I needed one, because the whole process felt like a whole thing. Find a doctor, figure out if they take your insurance, go to the appointment, then go somewhere completely different to get the glasses. I'm a person who talks about taking care of yourself for a living and I was still avoiding this. Warby Parker fixed every single part of what was annoying about it. Eye exam glasses, contacts, sunglasses all in one place. Their stores are clean and modern and feel nothing like the fluorescent light optometrist situation I grew up with. Prescription glasses start at $95 and that already includes anti reflective scratch resistance and UV protective coatings and they're covered by many major insurance plans and will handle the paperwork for you, which honestly is the thing that gets me most. I picked up a pair recently and I will tell you the quality for the price is genuinely not close. I wear them constantly over 300 stores across the US so there is likely one near you. And over 20 million pairs donated to people in need through their Buy a Pair, Give a Pair program right now. Buy one pair of glasses and get 20% off any additional pairs at warbyparker.com Tamsen that's 20% off any additional pairs when you purchase one pair at W A R B Y parker.com Tamsen all right, number five disguised control as Helpful Feedback I think this is a slippery one because it looks very supportive from the outside of a relationship. But I think all of you are savvy enough to know the man I'm talking about. He has thoughts on what you eat. He has thoughts on what you wear. He has thoughts on your friends. He has thoughts on your spending, your driving, your screen time, your career, your parenting, your pace, your mom. Like what? Whatever. And every single one of those things is offered lovingly as I'm just trying to help. He's not screaming at you or calling you names. He's just helpful all the time, suggesting how you could be better. It's like he's this unsolicited free coach. And the framing makes it almost impossible to push back, because if you do, then you're being overly sensitive and defensive. You're the one who can't take the feedback. You're the one who's hard to love. The test of whether it's help or whether it is control is simple. Did you ask for it? If you said, like, hey, what do you think about my mom? Or, you know, I don't know, am I doing good at my job? If you're not asking for that, it's not feedback. It's an opinion. And a steady drip of opinion about how you should be different or better, even when it's gentle, is an effective form of control. And I want you to think about that for a second and feel what it's actually doing to you. Because the hard part of this dynamic is that the framing makes, again, like we talked about at the beginning, you the problem. When you object to it, you raise the issue and suddenly you're too sensitive. You can't take feedback. It's constructive criticism. You're unreasonable, you're difficult. But the truth is, you didn't even ask for it. So what do you do again? You stop objecting. You start absorbing. Slowly, his preferences become your defaults. His taste becomes your taste. His opinions about your friends become your opinions about your friends. I dated a guy like this that I called my Mr. Big before, and I literally mimicked everything in his life. I was like, oh, I like that wine because he likes that wine. I like that artist because he likes that artist. I like that music because he likes that music. I actually forgot what I liked because I just. All of my thoughts were his thoughts. And it took me a long time. That line between what's yours and his becomes blurry, and then it disappears. So if you. You're like, I don't know, Tamsyn, that could be me. I don't know. Maybe that's too hard. Think of it like this. When was the last time you made a decision about your life without running it through what he might say first? When did you last, I don't know, buy something, sign up for class, plan something to eat without that little voice in your head, like, doing the math. And his reaction, like, I don't know what so and so would think. If your inner monologue is running every choice through, like, his preferences, that is what disguise control looks like from the inside. And long term, I actually think this is really disorienting because nothing dramatic ever happens. There's nothing, like, really big. There's no screaming or crying or fighting. It's just a steady erosion of your autonomy that everyone around you, including you, has been calling love. And women I know who have come out of these kind of dynamics often describe a real period of where did I go? And they have to relearn how to choose. Like, just everyday decisions. Restaurants, outfits, music, friendships, you know, what they want to do, where they want to go, their future. Because for years, sadly, every choice was filtered and they now have to find their own taste again under all of that. And that's why this one is so important to name. Overt control is easy to spot. Covert control, the kind that comes wrapped up with I love you, and I'm only saying this because I care. Tamsin is the kind that takes years to identify and even longer to undo. So the healthy version of a partner with opinions. Because I have tons of opinions about Ira, I'm like. I'm thinking, like, ah, maybe he thinks that about me. But the healthy version of a partner with opinions is the one who has them, shares them when asked or asked if you want to hear them in steps, steps back. The unhealthy is the one who has them all the time about everything, whether you ask or not, and then frames it as love. Okay, so what I want you to take from this, here's where I land on all this. The person you live your life with is the single biggest input in your life, in your nervous system and your confidence and your reinvention in the next 30 to 40 years. All of it. We can talk about hormones and sleep and protein for the next 10 years on this show because I love all of it and all that matters. But none of it works if you're coming home every night to someone who is quietly making you feel smaller. You're allowed to expect more than you were getting. And you're allowed to want a partner who repairs after a fight and celebrates your growth, who has nothing to say about aging your body, who treats you with respect in front of others, and who keeps his opinions about your choices to himself unless you ask. And I don't think that's a high bar. I think that's. That is the bar. One last thing. If any of this you heard or landed with you, please don't sit alone with it. Talk to a friend. Call a sister, find a therapist. Send us a message. Bring it into the light. Because the thing about those pink flags is that they thrive and they look really pretty in the dark. The minute you say one out loud to somebody who loves you, it starts to look more like what it actually is. And you, my friend, deserve a partner who is on your team. We're not getting to the next chapter alone. We are not getting there with somebody holding us back. And I don't want anyone to hold you back. Okay. I hope this conversation gave you something to think about. And if you have more questions, my email is open. Me or someone on our team will do our very best to get back to you as soon as possible. You can email me@podcastamsonfidell.com or if you want to leave a voicemail or text, the number is 917-382-4277. That's 917-382-4277. My team and I love hearing what you think. We read every single review and we use what you tell us every week to keep building out these conversations. I cannot wait to hear what you think about this one. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any of the upcoming episodes. Wherever you're listening, Spotify, Apple, if you're watching on YouTube, we have so much more coming for you. I'm here to make sure your next chapter is your most confident and healthiest one yet. I love you all and I will see you and talk to you in the next episode. I invested in Evo Warrior because first of all, it's all female founded and the CEO is an absolute badass. 2. It actually looks good. Comes in the nicest colors and you can add adorable charms to it. We're talking about a walking vest and number three, it's very sweat resistant, comfortable to wear, and you can wash it easily. Literally throw it in the washer if you're sweaty like me. You need this one. And finally, one of the most important reasons is because when you buy this vest, it includes a complimentary DEXA scan through body spec. That's right, so you can better understand your body and your bone composition. 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