Podcast Summary: The Tamsen Show – Episode: "How to Make Friends as an Adult"
Release Date: July 30, 2025
Host: Tamsen Fadal
Guest: Mina B. – Leading Therapist, Bestselling Author, and Community Care Expert

Introduction

In this insightful episode of The Tamsen Show, host Tamsen Fadal engages in a deep conversation with Mina B., a renowned therapist and author of "Owning Our Struggles." The focus is on the complexities of forming and maintaining friendships in adulthood—a topic increasingly relevant in today's fast-paced, often isolating world. The discussion covers Mina's framework for healthy friendships, the challenges adults face in fostering connections, strategies for making friends, handling toxic relationships, and the nuances of intergenerational friendships.

1. The Importance of Friendships

Mina B. emphasizes that friendships are the biggest predictor of happiness. She notes a cultural shift in the past five years, particularly exacerbated by the pandemic, which has highlighted the value of friendships alongside traditional relationships like marriage.

Mina B. [04:07]: "Absolutely. I think within the last five years, especially due to the pandemic, a lot of people have started to recognize the value of friendship..."

This recognition stems from the realization that relying solely on a partner can strain marriages, and social media has both fostered a longing for closer connections and exposed gaps in existing friendships.

2. Mina B.’s Framework for Friendship: The Circle of Support

Mina introduces a comprehensive "Circle of Support" framework, dividing friendships into four distinct domains:

a. Circle of Intimacy

• Description: These are your closest friends or chosen family members with whom you share your most vulnerable self.

• Example: Mina mentions her best friend, whom she's known since childhood and who has been present during significant life events.

  Mina B. [07:19]: "I've known my best friend since I was 6 years old. I was literally in the delivery room when she had all three of her children."

b. Circle of Friendship

• Description: These are friendships that fall on a spectrum, ranging from acquaintances to closer friends. Recognizing this spectrum helps in understanding the varying degrees of connection.
• Insight: Labeling someone simply as a "friend" without acknowledging the depth can lead to misplaced expectations.

c. Circle of Participation

• Description: Involves regular participation in community activities or groups (e.g., book clubs, run clubs) that facilitate repeated encounters and opportunities for vulnerability.

• Strategy: Engaging in consistent, shared activities to build familiarity and trust.

  Mina B. [10:08]: "Research helps us understand that the core foundations of building intimate connections is repeated encounters and opportunities for vulnerability."

d. Circle of Exchange

• Description: Professional or transactional relationships, such as those with a therapist, hairdresser, or coworker.
• Boundary: While these relationships involve trust and rapport, they maintain clear boundaries to prevent emotional overreach.

3. Challenges in Adult Friendships

Adults face numerous obstacles in making and maintaining friendships:

• Burnout and Busy Lifestyles: Career focus and personal responsibilities often leave little time for socializing.

  Mina B. [16:11]: "Friendship requires effort, it requires investment. If you're exhausted, it's hard to sustain friendships because that requires communication."

• Life Transitions: Changes like moving cities, starting families, or career shifts can disrupt existing friendships.

• Social Media Influence: While it connects people, it can also create unrealistic expectations and superficial relationships.

4. Strategies for Making Friends as an Adult

Mina offers practical advice for those looking to expand their social circles:

• Engage in Community Activities: Joining groups or clubs that align with personal interests increases the likelihood of meeting like-minded individuals.

  Mina B. [18:55]: "Start doing the work of figuring out your social infrastructure... Participate in activities that allow for frequent encounters."

• Be Willing to Be Seen: Overcoming feelings of inadequacy and embracing vulnerability can attract genuine connections.

  Mina B. [19:01]: "You have to be willing to be seen... challenge those negative belief systems."

• Take Yourself on Dates: Engaging in solo activities can boost confidence and open doors to new friendships.

  Mina B. [22:50]: "Take yourself to the movies or to dinner. You might meet someone else who is alone and open to conversation."

5. Handling Negative Thoughts and Self-Worth in Friendships

Mina addresses the internal struggles that hinder friendship formation:

• Overcoming Inadequacy: Many adults feel unworthy of friendships due to comparisons and self-doubt.

  Mina B. [19:49]: "People create a story that I don't belong instead of recognizing that sometimes belonging requires you to pull up a chair and have a seat."

• Techniques for Improvement:

  • Audio Journaling: Speaking thoughts aloud can help in identifying and challenging negative beliefs.
  • Adaptive Coping Skills: Engaging in activities that release feel-good hormones without harmful consequences.

6. Friendship Breakups and Managing Loss

Friendship dissolution is a painful yet common experience:

• Ambiguous Loss: When a friend drifts away without clear closure, leading to confusion and grief.

  Mina B. [30:08]: "In our culture, there's a system for terminating relationships like divorce, but not for friendships, leading to ambiguous loss."

• Coping Strategies:

  • Writing Letters: Expressing feelings to oneself or the friend can provide clarity.
  • Audio Journaling: Helps in processing emotions by hearing one's own thoughts.
  • Healthy Escapism: Engaging in activities that offer temporary relief without long-term harm.

7. Toxic Friendships: Recognition and Management

Not all friendships are beneficial. Mina outlines how to identify and handle toxic relationships:

• Characteristics of Toxic Friendships:

  • Belittling and Judgment: Friends who consistently undermine or criticize.
  • Lack of Reciprocity: One-sided emotional labor without mutual support.
  • Manipulative Behavior: Attempts to control or isolate you from other friends.

  Mina B. [38:00]: "In a toxic relationship, we see the opposite of respect, reciprocity, and active listening. There's belittling and judgment."

• Impact: Toxic friendships are emotionally draining and can harm mental health, prompting the need for friendship breakups.

• Managing Toxic Friendships:

  • Setting Boundaries: Clearly defining what is acceptable and what isn’t.
  • Direct Communication: Addressing issues head-on to seek resolution or decide to distance oneself.

8. Intergenerational Friendships

Building friendships across different age groups offers unique benefits:

• Benefits:

  • Combatting Ageism: Breaking down stereotypes and biases about different age groups.
  • Mutual Learning: Sharing diverse perspectives and experiences enhances personal growth.
  • Emotional Support: Fostering deeper connections and understanding.

  Mina B. [44:15]: "Intergenerational friendships have allowed for more chosen families and help manage biases around ageism."

• Advice for Men and Women:

  • Men: Encouraged to embrace vulnerability and emotional intelligence.
  • Women: Can learn from men the importance of activity-based bonding while appreciating emotional depth.

9. Listener Q&A: Practical Advice

Tamsen presents real-life scenarios from listeners, and Mina offers thoughtful responses:

a. Feeling Left Out When Friends Hang Out Without You

• Advice: Openly communicate feelings of exclusion and express a desire to be included.

  Mina B. [63:20]: "If you feel left out, speak up and let them know how you feel. If they continue to exclude you, it shows where the friendship stands."

b. Best Friend Having a Baby and Feeling Estranged

• Advice: Understand the significant life transition and offer support through practical means like bringing meals or helping with daily tasks.

  Mina B. [66:05]: "Consider being compassionate and supportive during their transition period. Adapt to the new dynamics by finding ways to help and stay connected."

10. Conclusion

The episode wraps up with reflections on the importance of evaluating one's friendships, understanding the varying depths of connections, and striving to be a better friend. Mina B. underscores that "It's okay to have boundaries in your friendships," a rule Tamsen echoes and appreciates deeply.

Mina B. [56:57]: "A boundary is the rules and the guidelines that I am going to place on myself... it's okay to have boundaries in your friendships."

Listeners are encouraged to introspect about their own friendships, apply the discussed frameworks, and actively work towards building meaningful, healthy relationships.

Key Takeaways

• Understand the Spectrum of Friendships: Recognize the different levels of connection and adjust expectations accordingly.
• Engage in Regular Activities: Consistent participation in community or interest-based groups fosters deeper connections.
• Be Vulnerable: Overcoming self-doubt and embracing vulnerability can lead to genuine friendships.
• Recognize Toxic Patterns: Identify and address toxic behaviors to maintain mental well-being.
• Embrace Intergenerational Bonds: Building friendships across ages enriches perspectives and combats societal biases.

For those seeking to enhance their social lives and build lasting friendships, this episode offers invaluable insights and actionable strategies. Whether you're navigating the challenges of adult friendships or looking to deepen existing connections, Mina B.'s expertise provides a comprehensive roadmap to a fulfilling social life.