The Tamsen Show: How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Tamsen Show
• Host: Tamsen Fadal
• Guest: Terri Cole, Psychotherapist, Author, and Boundary Queen
• Release Date: May 14, 2025
• Description: Hosted by Emmy-winning journalist and New York Times best-selling author Tamsen Fadal, the show offers real talk and real solutions for women seeking to understand their bodies and lives better. This episode delves into setting boundaries without the accompanying guilt, a crucial skill for reclaiming personal peace and enhancing relationships.

1. Introduction to the Episode

The episode titled "How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty" focuses on empowering women to establish personal boundaries, particularly addressing the challenges faced by those who identify as high functioning codependents (HFCs). The conversation is anchored by insights from Terri Cole, a renowned psychotherapist and author who specializes in helping women break free from people-pleasing behaviors.

2. Guest Introduction: Terri Cole

[00:55] Terri Cole: "Today's episode is for the woman who has been everything to everyone. And finally asking, what about me?"

Terri Cole is introduced as a boundary queen with decades of experience assisting women in overcoming people-pleasing, perfectionism, and high-functioning codependency. Her expertise makes her an ideal guest for discussing the intricacies of setting healthy boundaries.

3. The Problem: High Functioning Codependency (HFC)

[08:27] Tamsen Fadal: "Being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the circumstances, the situations, the finances, the careers, all the things of the people in our lives to the detriment of our own internal peace."

High Functioning Codependency is characterized by an excessive investment in others' lives and well-being, often at the expense of one's own mental and emotional health. This behavior stems from societal conditioning that glorifies being "nice" and accommodating, leading to self-abandonment and inner resentment.

4. Understanding HFC: Definition and Examples

Terri Cole and Tamsen Fadal discuss the nuances of HFC, emphasizing that it goes beyond traditional codependency. Unlike classic perceptions that associate codependency with dependence on others, HFCs are often self-reliant and take on the emotional labor of those around them.

[08:43] Terri Cole: "We're all overly responsible for others' happiness, which doesn't have to be our burden."

Common behaviors include auto-advice-giving, over-accommodating in social situations, and striving to control outcomes to placate others. For instance, automatically offering solutions to people's problems, even unsolicited, is a typical HFC trait.

5. Consequences of HFC

Living as an HFC can lead to significant emotional strain, including:

• Resentment: Persistently putting others first fosters inner resentment towards those being helped.
• Exhaustion: Continuously managing others' needs drains personal energy and leads to burnout.
• Strained Relationships: Attempts to fix others' problems can hinder genuine intimacy and mutual support.

[06:03] Tamsen Fadal: "Being how like everything becomes so irritating."

6. Strategies to Overcome HFC

a. Resentment Inventory

A key tool introduced is the Resentment Inventory, which helps individuals identify areas in their lives where they may be over-functioning or over-giving.

[17:43] Tamsen Fadal: "You write down what you're feeling resentful about and take ownership of your part."

b. Setting Boundaries

Terri and Tamsen emphasize the importance of setting clear, honest boundaries to prevent self-abandonment.

c. No Auto-Yes

One effective strategy is the practice of "No Auto-Yes," where individuals refrain from automatically saying yes to requests and instead take time to consider their own needs and capacity.

[34:04] Tamsen Fadal: "For the next seven days, no matter who asks you what, nobody is saying an automatic yes."

d. How to Say No

They provide practical scripts and techniques for declining requests gracefully, ensuring that boundaries are respected without guilt.

[35:25] Terri Cole: "You can say, 'I'm sorry, but I can't commit to that right now.'"

e. Physical Techniques

Incorporating body language to support verbal boundaries, such as raising a finger to signal the need to finish speaking, helps reinforce the message.

[52:15] Tamsen Fadal: "Hold up one finger and say, 'Please let me finish what I was saying.'"

7. Impact on Relationships

Shifting from HFC behaviors to healthier boundary-setting fosters more authentic and meaningful relationships. It allows for genuine support rather than one-sided assistance, enhancing mutual respect and understanding.

[30:21] Terri Cole: "That's where the intimacy is built."

By moving away from the need to fix others, relationships become more balanced and rooted in mutual support rather than dependency.

8. Special Focus on Midlife and Menopause

The episode also touches on how midlife transitions, such as perimenopause and menopause, can intensify feelings of frustration and the urge to over-function. Hormonal changes reduce tolerance for stress, making boundary-setting even more crucial.

[05:20] Tamsen Fadal: "As your hormones are getting less, your tolerance for bullshit is getting less."

9. Tools and Resources

Both hosts recommend resources to aid in breaking free from HFC patterns:

• Resentment Inventory Worksheet: A practical tool to identify and address sources of resentment.
• Terri Cole’s HFC Toolkit: Available at terricole.com, offering structured guidance and actionable steps.
• Scripts for Setting Boundaries: Included in Terri Cole’s book and online resources, providing sample dialogues for various scenarios.

10. Conclusion and Key Takeaways

The episode concludes with a reaffirmation of the benefits of setting boundaries:

• Enhanced Self-Love: Prioritizing personal needs fosters genuine self-love.
• Improved Mental Health: Reducing over-functioning leads to decreased stress and increased emotional well-being.
• Deeper Relationships: Authentic connections are built on mutual respect and understanding.

[55:37] Terri Cole: "Your needs matter too. And it's never too late to rewrite your relationship blueprint, starting with the one you have for yourself."

Final Thoughts: Setting boundaries is not about being selfish but about preserving one's mental and emotional health. By implementing the strategies discussed, women can reclaim their lives, experience true intimacy, and lead more fulfilling lives without the burden of guilt.

Notable Quotes:

• Terri Cole [00:55]: "Today's episode is for the woman who has been everything to everyone. And finally asking, what about me?"
• Tamsen Fadal [05:20]: "As your hormones are getting less, your tolerance for bullshit is getting less."
• Tamsen Fadal [17:43]: "You write down what you're feeling resentful about and take ownership of your part."
• Terri Cole [34:04]: "You can say, 'I'm sorry, but I can't commit to that right now.'"
• Tamsen Fadal [55:37]: "Your needs matter too. And it's never too late to rewrite your relationship blueprint, starting with the one you have for yourself."

Resources:

• Terri Cole's Website: terricole.com
• HFC Toolkit: Available for download at terricole.com/HFCtoolkit
• Terri Cole’s Podcast: The Terri Cole Show

For more insightful conversations and tools to enhance your well-being, subscribe to The Tamsen Show and follow @thetamsenshow on social media.