The Tamsen Show

Episode: How to Start Dating Again in 2026 (Even If You’ve Lost Hope)

Host: Tamsen Fadal
Guest: Bela Gandhi, Dating Coach and Founder of Smart Dating Academy
Date: December 31, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The Tamsen Show, hosted by Emmy-winning journalist Tamsen Fadal, unpacks the daunting world of dating in 2026. Tamsen welcomes renowned dating coach Bela Gandhi to provide a practical, data-backed roadmap for listeners feeling overwhelmed or hopeless about re-entering (or continuing) the dating arena—particularly those in midlife. The discussion is candid, empathetic, and full of actionable advice for creating effective dating profiles, recognizing red flags, managing expectations, and dating with intention and optimism, both online and offline.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Changing Dating Landscape

• Dating in Midlife:
  • Many believe dating was easier in their 20s, but that's a "halo effect." Bela insists dating can be better in midlife:

    "If I could take you and put yourself into your twenties, I promise you it wasn’t easier...dating during midlife can be amazing." — Bela (03:03)

• The Role of Trauma:
  • Past experiences and family dynamics impact partner choices and the ability to spot red flags.
  • People develop "thicker skin" to cope with relationship trauma, often overlooking warning signs.
• Dating as a System:
  • Bela frames dating today as a system requiring strategy, not just luck or sheer effort.

    "You need the tools to date with confidence and clarity...dating today is a system." — Tamsen (01:16)

2. Overcoming Fears and Apprehension

• Common Fears:
  • Fear of rejection, heartbreak, repeating old mistakes, or not being "picked."
• Online Dating Overwhelm:
  • Apps feel like "human eBay," overwhelming especially for those returning after years out of the market.
  • Recommendation: Use one or two dating apps, not five or more.

3. Starting the Search: Profiles and First Moves

• The January Surge:
  • January is a peak month for online dating due to New Year’s resolutions ("dating month and divorce month") (08:16).
• App Selection:
  • No single "best" app; opt for large, broad-appeal platforms over niche ones for a larger dating "haystack" (10:33).
• Profile Photos:
  • Professional, current (within one year), well-lit, solo headshots and body shots are a must.
  • Avoid: bathroom selfies, group shots, sunglasses, pet-overload, and humor that can misfire.

    “No more selfies, no bathroom selfies, no old photos...get your pictures in line first.” — Bela (12:05)

• Written Bio:
  • Keep it positive, authentic, and have honest friends review for truth and tone.
  • Avoid negative or snarky comments, focus on what excites you about life and relationships.

4. Navigating First Dates & Early Chemistry

• Give People a Chance:
  • Don’t swipe left on everyone; review profiles and people with hope and open-mindedness.
  • Say yes to a second date if the first was “easy,” “fun,” and “calm,” even without instant “butterflies.”

    “If a first date is good and you actually have fun … say yes to the second date even if you’re not feeling chemistry ... sometimes the real first date is the second date.” — Bela (16:07)

• Chemistry Myths:
  • "Butterflies" are often misread signals of anxiety, not true attraction.

    “Butterflies are bad on a date...it’s anxiety and it’s fear—run.” — Bela (18:07, 19:32)

5. Red Flags & Pattern Recognition

• Profile Red Flags:
  • Negative, sarcastic, or drama-laden statements.

    “I don't like drama—number one. And anybody whose profile reads to have a negative tone in it, those are ... get rid of it.” — Bela (21:28)

• Pattern Breaking:
  • If you repeatedly excuse red flags, recognize you may be caught in a pattern and seek help to break it (24:43).
• Glass-half-full Mindset:
  • Believing “there’s nobody out there” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

6. Listener Profiles: Real-Time Coaching

• Anna (41):
  • Advice: Ditch bathroom selfies, keep look consistent across photos, provide both headshots and full-body shots.
  • Formula: 1 headshot + 2 head-to-toe shots + 1 more headshot + 2 more body shots (28:06).
• Pat:
  • Advice: Update your wardrobe in photos (dress up!), reference the current year, refresh your profile regularly to beat the algorithm.

7. Meeting People IRL & Initiating Conversations

• Making First Moves:
  • On apps: Personalized, friendly message; on IRL: 3 seconds of sustained eye contact and a smile.

    “It’s just that little bit of that extra hold...when you hug someone and they hug you for that extra two seconds...it’s like what does that mean?” — Bela (34:04)

• Should Women Wait?
  • No. Take initiative if you’re interested; “failure vs. regret”—better to try than wonder.

    “What’s the worst that can happen?...If not, remember, I look at life in terms of two things: failure versus regret.” (35:12)

• Men Are Nervous, Too:
  • Men are often more reluctant due to repeated rejection.

8. First Date Safety & Logistics

• Safety Tips:
  • Use a Google Voice number (voice.google.com) instead of real cell number (37:33).
  • Video chat before meeting; "crazy cannot hide for more than fifteen minutes."
• Date Structure:
  • Keep first dates short—coffee, a walk, or brunch; avoid epic or alcohol-heavy events.

    “My clients do not go on dates that are longer than two hours for their first date.” — Bela (41:54)

• Multiple Dating:
  • Date several people casually ("dating funnel") before exclusivity. Don’t “bind” to one too fast—this helps avoid red flag blindness.

    “I want you to diversify your dating portfolio just like you would diversify your asset portfolio.” — Bela (43:39)

9. Intimacy, Exclusivity, and Emotional Attachments

• Oxytocin Warning:
  • Sexual intimacy can cause premature attachment (for women, especially), making it harder to see issues objectively.

    “Oxytocin is your power, don’t give it away now...Do you want to give your power to a rando on date one? It’s up to you.” — Bela (44:35)

• Timing for Big Topics:
  • Discuss major issues (kids, marriage, divorce) by date 4-8; don’t hide your intentions or desires.

    “By dates four through eight, talk about divorces, try to listen for any red flags...” — Bela (46:08)

• Exclusivity:
  • 15 dates over 3 months is average to decide on exclusivity (47:53).
  • Only consider exclusive if there are no red flags and all "good partner qualities" are present.

10. Spotting Emotional Unavailability & Handling Inconsistency

• Love Bombing & Avoidance:
  • Beware of those who “come on strong” fast—true emotional unavailability may show up as intense/short-lived pursuit.
• Consistency:
  • “Words and actions should match.” Inconsistency is a major red flag; limited leeway for excuses.

    “If somebody says, ‘I’m going to call you at five’ and they don’t … without an excuse … red flag.” — Bela (51:39)

11. Maintaining Hope and a Winning Mindset

• Psychotic Optimism:
  • Approach dating with unwavering optimism, no matter the setbacks.

    “I want you to promise me you are going to be a psychotic optimist and not let the inconsistencies or the unavailable people drag you down…” — Bela (52:27)

• Three-Pronged Dating Plan:
  • Combine dating apps, meeting in real life, and leveraging social super-connectors.
• Finding Elevator People:
  • Seek partners possessing traits shared by the people in your life who lift and elevate you.

    “Who are the elevator people in your life...? Those are the traits you need in a partner to make you happy.” — Bela (54:15)

• Don’t Give Up:
  • Burnout is a state of mind—change can happen fast if your mindset shifts.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Dating during midlife can be amazing...it can be way better than it is right now.” — Bela (03:03)
• “You need hope and you need to know it’s going to take a while.” — Bela (09:16)
• “Butterflies are bad on a date so if you feel calm, if you feel like you had fun, if you don’t have butterflies, that’s when I want you to say yes to a second date.” — Bela (18:07)
• “If something is a red flag, graciously let that person go.” — Bela (24:43)
• “Remember, there are 118 million unmarried adults in this country, 35 million of those are over the age of 50. There are so many fish in the sea.” — Bela (25:24)
• “I want you to diversify your dating portfolio just like you would diversify your asset portfolio.” — Bela (43:39)
• “Oxytocin is your power. Don’t give it away now.” — Bela (44:35)
• “Psychotic optimism—no matter what happens, you’re not going to lose the hope that the love of your life is out there.” — Bela (52:27)
• “The people who go to the altar, it’s because they found their elevator person—a person who elevates them, has no red flags, and they’re attracted to.” — Bela (55:19)
• “Being burnt out is a state of mind and change can happen in an instant if you decide.” — Bela (55:41)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction to dating struggles, changes, and guest intro — 00:00–03:30
• Bela's background and building her dating method — 03:30–05:13
• Impact of trauma and family of origin — 05:13–06:52
• Online dating nerves and adjusting to apps — 06:52–08:06
• Why January is big for dating and apps — 08:06–09:16
• Using dating apps: best practices and mindset — 09:16–10:33
• Building an effective dating profile/photos — 11:16–14:49
• Mistakes in profiles and importance of outside perspective — 15:07–16:01
• Giving people a chance, first and second date chemistry — 16:01–18:07
• Butterflies discussion—when attraction is misleading — 18:07–21:24
• Major red flags and negative profile language — 21:24–23:40
• Listener profiles review: Anna and Pat — 26:38–32:43
• Initiating conversations online and in person — 32:57–35:12
• Safety tips and video chats before meeting — 37:33–39:02
• First date structure and the importance of a dating funnel — 40:54–43:39
• Intimacy, oxytocin, and holding your power — 43:40–45:52
• Talking about big topics and timing exclusivity — 46:08–48:50
• Spotting emotional unavailability and handling behavioral inconsistencies — 49:38–52:06
• Hope, psychotic optimism, and finding elevator people — 52:27–54:15
• Advice for burnout, reset, and encouragement — 55:41–56:12

Summary Takeaway

Bela Gandhi and Tamsen Fadal deliver a forward-looking, hopeful guide for anyone re-entering the dating world—especially in midlife. Their message is clear: with the right strategy, support, and mindset (psychotic optimism!), finding meaningful love is a when, not an if. Be intentional about your dating efforts, honest about your needs, and refuse to settle for less than a true "elevator person." The journey may be challenging, but—with Bela’s system and Tamsen’s encouragement—listeners can rewrite their own love stories in 2026.

For practical workbook resources and more, see the show notes.