← The Tamsen Show
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- [00:00]
A
If you clicked on this episode it's probably because dating right now feels harder than it should the way people meet connect and decide what they want has changed it's really changed fast and if you haven't dated in a while it can feel like you're just being dropped into this whole new world without any kind of rule book and even if you have been on the apps for a while maybe it hasn't led to much of anything and you might feel like you're doing everything right showing up putting yourself out there and still nothing is really moving forward that's usually when the questions start what should i actually be looking for what even is a red flag anymore how do i stop wasting my time you guys know my dating horror stories are endless i've talked about them a lot and after talking to so many women over the years here's what i know you don't have to spend more time swiping you need the tools to date with confidence and clarity because whether you like it or not dating today is a system it really is and it is so easy to get pulled into situations that just don't go anywhere that's why our guest today is bela gandhi she's a leading dating coach who looks at dating through patterns behavior and data not guesswork and trust me her approach works in the sixteen years she's been helping people build long term relationships none of the marriages her clients have entered through her method have ended in divorce by the end of this episode you'll learn how to build a dating profile that actually works how to know who's worth engaging with and how to approach those early dates and what red flags really matter versus the ones that just distract you i really hope twenty twenty six is gonna be the year that you start dating with that intention if you're ready to swear off the apps or you already have don't turn this episode off because this conversation is gonna set you up for a relationship that actually lasts today's podcast is sponsored by midi health i walked in with real symptoms brain fog exhaustion anxiety and walked out with nothing but a suggestion to wait it out that's why midi matters they actually listen and they treat what others ignore this is midlife care that finally makes sense ready to feel your best and write your second act script visit joinmitty dot com tamsen today to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit that's joinmitty dot com tamsen midi the care women deserve.
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B
This episode is brought to you by progressive insurance you chose to hit play on this podcast today smart choice make another smart choice with auto quote explorer.
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To compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once try it at progressive dot com progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates not available in all states.
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B
Or situations prices vary based on how.
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A
You buy bella welcome to the show.
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B
I am so excited to be here.
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A
Oh my gosh i'm excited to see you uh we've talked dating for a long time because it is always a topic that i feel is forever changing the way we date and and really when we date in life i think.
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B
Dating during midlife is amazing so many women tamsen come to me thinking oh it was so much easier in my twenties but the fact of the matter is if i could take you and put yourself into your twenties i promise you it wasn't easier that's just the halo that we give our twenties dating during midlife can be amazing i'm not saying it's easy but it can be way better than it is right now.
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A
All right so let's start with you first how did a woman you were in finance right that's where you started and then you turned into a dating coach so tell me about the trajectory.
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B
Of that my parents are immigrants they ended up meeting on a sunday they got engaged on thursday four days later married three days later right start to finish seven days not what i recommend at smart dating academy so i got very little dating advice so when i would get asked out i would start getting into these relationships and i started to develop now what i know to be red flag patterns and so there was a bad guy in the area that was my jam and so when i ended up you know kind of on the ground looking up for the third time going oh my gosh the common denominator in these messes it's me so i started to do my research i put my own method together based on science based on psychology which led me to dating my husband who wait for it we had been friends for six years prior to that and the method worked we are now happily married for over twenty five years i started teaching my roommates they're married i started teaching everybody that would listen to me whenever i stood up in a wedding they're like oh bella was my dating oracle she made it fun and so in two thousand nine i decided to take that leap that so many of us women are afraid to take and i thought let me do what i'm called to do and this is my purpose and that's what started smart dating academy i was every one of you that didn't know how to date that thought it wouldn't happen that thought it was everything else everybody else was doing.
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A
So once you started tracking the outcomes of what was going on what surprised you the most in the in the data and what you were seeing one.
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B
Of the things which you know might sound intuitive is when clients had come from little t or big t trauma whatever you want to call it but family of origin can make a big difference right even sometimes if you had great parents right it's idolizing and pedestalizing a relationship that really doesn't exist so a lot of early relationship traumas right where you start to what i call develop a thicker skin right where you've dated somebody who's emotionally abusive right maybe physically abusive but what happens because we're women we're resilient we start to develop a thicker skin right and so what happens is we don't even notice the paper cuts we don't notice the red flag so this is the stuff that the data started to bear out about why we continue to choose red flag people over and over again we developed and we continued to refine our system which is called the high gpq system high and good partner qualities how do you stop doing the things that don't serve you and how do you start choosing people that are actually good for.
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A
You i want to ask you this though because a lot of people listening haven't dated in a long time or maybe they've been using dating apps for a long time i was out with a friend the other night and she had five of them on her phone so what do you see people most nervous about first of all when they're getting back out there they are nervous.
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B
About getting their hearts broken they're nervous about not getting picked they're nervous about ending up in another terrible you know dumpster fire relationship or another divorce so at the bottom layer tamsyn we are afraid we're afraid of rejection and we're.
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A
Afraid of heartbreak well there's also people that haven't used the dating apps right like i mean if you if you were married for a long time and now you're starting to date all of a sudden and those dating apps weren't around twenty years ago or i don't even know how long they've been around now but if they weren' around that.
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B
Is a huge adjustment oh my gosh people are like i feel like i've been launched into the atlantic ocean at midnight with no life vest on because i haven't been on a date since nineteen eighty seven when they try to do it on their own it can feel like human ebay when you get on the dating apps like what do i do with this like oh my gosh so yes it can it does feel overwhelming if you don't know how to navigate the apps and it's just like anything you can learn how to do this and we're going teach you today and so that you don't feel that dreadful sense of overwhelm or just like oh my god i want to shut this off and get off these apps and i'm going to be single forever and you know stick with my.
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A
Dog or my cat i know that january is a big month for dating which i guess i didn't realize that i guess i think of things like well i guess february i'm thinking but why is january such a big month.
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B
So think about what happens we've spent the holidays alone right and forty eight percent of adults per the us census are unmarried or single so now new year's day comes along what do you think happens we make new year's resolutions right so that's what drives people in huge numbers the dating apps report fifty to eighty percent increases during this time.
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A
It'S like when i used to be going to the gym right remember the gym memberships increased and they still do.
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B
Right i can't find a parking spot at my gym come january first i'm like they'll all be gone by march thirty first and you know what else january is dating month and it's divorce month as well like oh my gosh i cannot spend one more holiday with this person so there's a lot of new year new me stuff going on.
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A
Oh my gosh well you know i do hear a lot of the i hate dating apps thing is it because there's so many of them or is there something that people are getting wrong.
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B
On them well there's a lot to it number one you have to know how to use the dating apps like your friend that had five yeah you don't want five you're going to feel like you have dating adhd you want to slim that down to one or two you need good pictures you need a good profile but you also need to know number one you have to start this process with hope okay and you have to start this process with patience right we want to date with this amazon prime mentality where we're like well i got it on the app and okay god just drone my husband to my inbox hopefully carrying a pizza and he's going to arrive and the fact of the matter is this is the most important thing that you're ever going to do and it's going to take take a lot of time and so what people never do and here's what i would tell you have a long runway to this process right you're going to manage the app in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming but that's what i can say you need hope and you need to know it's going.
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A
To take a while and also if you're listening to this right now and you're like tamsyn bella i'm not doing an app just stay with us because bella has suggestions if you want to meet somebody out in real life and you've decided you are removing all the apps for twenty twenty six which also know your prerogative is there an app that is the best or do you.
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B
Have a favorite one no there's over fifteen hundred registered dating apps i mean good lord tams and probably from the time we're going to record this podcast somebody else has popped up a new one so there's going to be fifteen oh one but there's plenty of apps to choose from i think knowing where you are who you're looking for and the key thing is pick one pick one with the big denominator sometimes we want to go super nichy right like oh i want an app for only tall people because i'm really tall so i want a tall glass of water too so here's what i'd say you're gonna run through your matches really quickly so if dating is needle in a haystack which it is you might as well have a big old haystack to.
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A
Choose from so if somebody is building a dating profile today what do you think has to be in the bio and what do you leave out of.
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B
It the first thing is even before the bio which i consider the written part you have to have great photos and it's not going to look like you're trying too hard it's not going to look like oh my gosh this is false advertising because i normally walk around in yoga pants and a tank top so i can't actually put myself out there looking good yes you can because you're not going to go out on a date after you've been couch surfing for seventy two hours so you need good photos that look like the best version of you don't undersell a lot of times women right we undertut our own horns here i want you to think about what would i look like when i was going out to an event with my girlfriends what would i want who was the best version of me put yourself put photos like that on the apps no more selfies no bathroom selfies no old photos so get your pictures in line first good headshots and good head to toe body shots and i'll tell you what having somebody take your photos that knows what they're doing will give you great benefits to this you don't have to selfies.
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A
I feel like you can take a hundred photos of yourself a day or get somebody to take them how old should the photo be like a year old or two years old or what's what's the i don't know what are.
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You allowed to do no more than one year old right and we think oh i look the same as i did three years ago chances are you probably don't look exactly the same maybe you have bangs maybe your hair is darker whatever it is remember people want to date the person in the picture so you want to look like the pictures now and so it couldn't be more important to have great photos and then what you write in your text.
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A
Is important too is there anything you should not include in your photos like if you have a dog that's okay if you have like you know your best friend you know who should what should you not include in the photos.
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B
I'M a purist okay and i look at this from a marketing standpoint right the product that you're marketing in cyberspace and i don't mean this to sound crap is you people know that you have friends okay you don't need to put all your cuter or not cuter whatever friends in photos with you it just gets distracting so have photos of you and only you and please i know ladies we all love our sunglasses and gentlemen the eyes are the windows to the soul uncover your eyes no photos with sunglasses your pets i mean if you want to put in one photo with your pet you just don't want to look like dog guy or cat girl because every photo of yours has your pet in there again people.
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A
Are do you see this all the time bella do you see this all.
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The time tamsen in my world truth is stranger than fiction with regards to what people say in their profiles what kinds of photos they think work i'm like oh my gosh don't try to be funny in your photos humor is hard enough to translate person to person when you don't know each other that well not in photos i think people are trying to do things and just stick to the basics look great in your photos smile look right at the camera have great headshots and body shots and wear clothing that looks good on you look like you respect yourself and that you would show up looking great whether you're a man or a woman.
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A
To the date well i gotta say i feel like some people are gonna be like tamsen i am funny or i do that's just who i am and i wanna be i wanna do it the way i wanna do it so what do you say to them this is the first impression or this is just you know because you have a you have a blip of a moment right until somebody swipes well yeah.
- [15:08]
B
Have an expert ideally look at your photo look at your profile and give you good solid advice or hopefully you've got those truth telling friends that'll say yeah those photos are good or no get rid of this photo and this sounds kind of negative it sounds a little debbie downer you want people to tell you the truth because most of the time data shows believe it or not we don't actually pick good photos of ourselves why because we know all the little things on our face or our bodies that we don't like but other people don't know that so let other people help you choose let other people read your bio and say whether it looks good and it looks funny and the people that are going to tell you the truth from a place of love those are the people you want in your village is there one.
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A
Mistake you are tired of seeing as a dating coach and expert people just.
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B
Swiping left on everybody because they're not looking at this with the right lenses with hope and giving people a chance you're looking at six photos and two hundred characters it's barely a dang tweet give people a chance and on that same note since you asked hansen if a first date is good and you actually have have fun and you feel like it was easy say yes to the second date even if you're not feeling chemistry because guess what there are lots of different kinds of chemistry okay there's physical chemistry which is what we think is chemistry but there's actually emotional chemistry there's intellectual chemistry there's spiritual chemistry and especially for women those little triggers in chemistry if somebody says something great all of a sudden you can go oh my gosh i think i might have a little crush on him how many of us have developed a crush on someone that we didn't feel it for in the beginning but as you got to know this person you're like oh my gosh i think he's kind of cute i was friends with my husband for six years now i'm not saying that i want you guys to wait six years or go on dates for six years to find that but i'm saying give it i mean hell we let a bottle of wine breathe okay for half an hour before we go to take a sip out of it but we're so ready to throw somebody right back to the pond because we're not feeling it but so what.
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A
Do you have to feel on that date what is important to feel on that date cause i gotta tell you even myself like i met ira i thought he was cute i thought he was fun but i waited for a long time before i even acknowledged that and i was i was like what is wrong with me like i really and when i think about it now i'm like oh he could have gotten away you know he could have like just been okay you don't have you don't have it together i'm i'm moving on and he didn't but what is that that you should look for to be able to say yes to a second date even if you didn't what is it love the first one i.
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B
Would say you wanna have fun was the conversation easy did you feel calm okay now i'm gonna say something that is gonna get everybody's you know undies in a bunch i don't want you to feel butterflies on the date if you're feeling huge butterflies in your stomach right like the kind that are like oh my gosh i'm about to get on a roller coaster and lots of ups and lots of downs butterflies are bad on a date so if you feel calm if you feel like you had fun if you don't have butterflies that's when i want you to say you know what i'm gonna play it like tamsin i'm gonna play it like bella i'm gonna say yes to a second date and see where it goes sometimes the real first date is the second date when we chance because we're like oh my gosh i wasn't in a great place on date one i have no idea why i wasn't feeling it right so let these dates breathe now i'm going to tell you if somebody throws down my little prop here somebody throws down red flags then they get out of the dating equation i don't care how hot how successful how whatever they are if they're throwing down red flags they out okay so two.
- [19:26]
A
Things butterflies are bad so what do butterflies mean does it just mean it's a sexual attraction it's just what does.
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B
That mean butterflies tamsin and this is a lot of data that i've analyzed over sixteen years it is your body's intuition saying it's anxiety and it's fear run we often mistake fear and excitement because they're such closely related emotions and hollywood harlequin tells us ooh i want to feel butterflies in my tummy because that means i really like him and that means that's chemistry here's what it was one of the first things young bella when she went to go do her research said every guy that gave me butterflies broke my dang heart oh my gosh what is this all right bad butterflies one of my clients butterflies.
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A
Are bad how do you spot a.
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Red flag well sometimes they're written in profiles i don't like profiles again when people try to be funny and they're like like please don't contact me if you don't look like your pictures because you're going to buy drinks until you do that's not funny that's mean when people say that they're sarcastic and you know they hope that you can take yourself lightly or not too seriously those to me are all red flags for i might be mean and if you ever respond to that that's on you when somebody says they're not looking for drama in their profiles you know what that's code for it means i'm going to cause you drama it does why does it mean that because they don't take responsibility for their own actions right they're saying okay tamsen if i ask you out on the date and you show up at seven o' clock and i just decide that i'm going to watch the game instead and not show up now you call me understandably upset about having been stood up i was like dude the game was on like why are you like why are you so upset by this you should have known like i'm a guy's guy oh.
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A
My gosh okay go over the sentences again then i don't like drama i.
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B
Don'T like drama number one and anybody whose profile reads to have a negative tone in it those are profiles that i would say get rid of it anybody that seems like they're ranting about how bad the dating scene is in new york city or chicago or la and how they never thought they'd have to resort to being on dating apparently apps those are people that are going to bring you down you want people that are going to elevate you lift you up you want people that are positive.
- [22:01]
A
A few weeks ago i made a promise to myself to change a few habits the first my morning walks every single morning i throw on my shoes and no matter what the weather is or what my mood is i go the second habit i'm determined to stick to hitting my nutrition goals every single day because it's not about overhauling your whole life which can be exhausting it's really about being consistent with habits that you can stick to and that's why i love cachava it simplifies nutrition without cutting any corners just two scoops gives you plant based protein fiber greens adaptogens and essential nutrients that support energy digestion strength metabolism cognition and immunity so here's what i notice i notice steadier energy better digestion and nourishment that feels supportive instead of overwhelming depending on my mood i'll have it with frozen berries and almond milk sometimes i like it with my iced coffee here's the thing it's fast it tastes delicious it comes in six flavors coconut acai chocolate vanilla chai matcha and strawberry cachava is clean it's plant based non gmo with no artificial flavors colors sweeteners soy gluten animal products or preservatives rewild your nutrition at cachava dot com and use code tamil new customers get twenty dollars off an order of two bags or more now through the thirty first that's kachava k a c h a v a dot com code tamsin this show is sponsored by midi health i have been there sitting in a doctor's office trying to explain what's going on with my body only to be told it's stress and that it's just part of getting older i was told that the brain fog the night sweats a sudden wake gain all brush off like it wasn't even worth looking into well midi is changing that experience they're a virtual clinic built specifically for women in perimenopause and menopause and they actually listen to you their expert clinicians meet with you one on one they ask real questions and they create a personalized plan for your symptoms your hormones and your health they're also the only telehealth care provider in this space covered by major insurance if you felt dismissed or invisible in the healthcare system midi was built for you because this chapter of life deserves more than a shrug it deserves real support ready to feel your best and write your second act script visit joinmitty dot com tamsen today to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit that's joinmitty dot com tamsen midi the care women deserve some of us turn those red flags pink and we're like well okay i hear what you're saying bella but you know shouldn't i give this person a chance anyway because how am i gonna know everybody's got something in their profile that's.
- [24:43]
B
When you need some help bring in someone that can help you because to your point tamsin if you are taking a red flag and pink washing it or greenwashing it it means you're caught in a pattern it means this person feels familiar to me this red flag feels familiar to me and i want it to be okay so don't do that if you know something is a red flag graciously let that person go there are so many fish in the sea remember what i said there's one hundred eighteen million unmarried adults in this country thirty five million of those are over the age of fifty there are so many fish in the sea i.
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A
Know and i hear constantly over and over from people there's nobody out there men and women actually not just women a lot of women but both i really hear it from both and now.
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B
Let'S go with that what happens when you say there's nobody out there you have put the lenses on metaphorically of there's nobody out there right so even if the most perfect person walks in front of you if you think i'm not ready i'm not sure i want this of like what you alluded to tamsen when you met ira right it's if you've got the there's nobody good out there lenses on and i'm not saying you did but if we do or the i'm not ready guess what you're not even going to be able to see the good people that are looking at you so often when i'm working with clients and i have them just go out and make eye contact with people and smile at people it's like like wow people do look at me they smile back at me i'm like there are good people out there and they are noticing you so if you feel like there's no one good out there you might be entering the apps or any sphere in your life with those lenses on i had two.
- [26:39]
A
Brave tamsen show listeners submit their profiles bella for you to review so we're gonna go over those the first one is anna anna's forty one years old and she sent her profile in and and by the way anna's beautiful gorgeous she does have a bathroom selfie that i know is something that you said a no to is that right yeah.
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B
Anna you're gorgeous have somebody take a.
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A
Photo of you and why do you want that why do you like the.
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B
Photos better i like the photos better because the lighting is always better when somebody who knows how to take a photo of you is gonna take a photo of you and i'm just not a fan of bathroom selfies i think you know maybe ten years ago when people started doing selfies it was fine i'm just not a fan of selfies with the car selfies the gym selfies the bathroom selfies people that photograph you are going to get you at a better angle okay period full stop okay.
- [27:36]
A
And then describe anna's profile a little bit bella so then people who are listening can understand what's going on in.
- [27:42]
B
That in your profile the first thing i would tell you anna is you've got lots of different hairstyles and you've got great hair you're gorgeous but my best advice is men don't always understand women the way we understand a curly haired girl might be curly some days might be blown out might have her hair straight have photos of yourself looking like you would for a date and when i press my clients on that because i'm a curly haired girl i get it but i usually straighten my hair and i would ask myself how would i show up on a date like what makes you feel pretty what makes you feel your best have photos with that hairstyle because remember people want to date the person in the picture so i would definitely say make your look consistent in your photos number one and have great headshots and you've got anna in here more headshots than full body shots so i would definitely say have a head to knee or a head to toe look or two at smart dating academy we have our clients with their six photos i have do this here's our formula have a great headshot and then two head to toe or head to knee shots then a headshot and then maybe two body shots again and that's a great way to make sure that you've got a good mixture of photos headshots and body shots because people want to date the person.
- [29:06]
A
In the picture oh that's great we'll make sure that that's also written down below just so everyone has that list and i know bella there's so many more tips we're gonna have okay let's go to pat now pat's in his profile too for us to look at so i'll describe this a jersey and one two three of his shots he does have a full body shot here he does have a closeup and then it seems like he's in a couple of different cities maybe he's a traveler so how can we break his profile.
- [29:36]
B
Down i would say you are a handsome guy women like men with stepped up looks right throw on a sport coat throw on a nice pair of slacks a crisp shirt have somebody take photos of you in clothes that really make you feel good and look good even if you spend most of your day in your hoodies and your athletic logoed clothes that's okay you're not misrepresenting.
- [30:06]
A
Yourself i think people are gonna be like tamsen i don't i'm not wearing this is what i wear i i wear this that's what i do so i don't wanna look like you know.
- [30:14]
B
Not myself remember you want to get different results in the dating world so you want to change things up changing what you're wearing does not mean you are changing self people you are the same beautiful person inside and out wear something that's going to get you more traction again i've got sixteen years of data what men are looking for in women what women are looking for in men trust me step up your looks and here the other thing i would say is your online profile dear sir you're referencing twenty twenty and now we're going into twenty twenty twenty six everybody's profile should be refreshed do something on a weekly basis to keep your profile fresh there's two reasons to do that number one you look current and number two the dating algorithms preference people that are actually changing things up it wakes up the algorithm and it makes them know you're paying attention you're active on their app so when you're referencing things like covid today i hope we're so done with COVID and we never see a pandemic again so talk about twenty twenty six and what you're looking for in your profile freshen it up with new profiles new texts and i think you're gonna get a lot better people.
- [31:33]
A
Okay so this is pat's profile we've been talking about i mean here's what i do like though he has a great smile right he's so cute great smile so cute you'd rather him wear something else but it looks like you know he's being thoughtful in where he is like he's showing that he goes to different places he's like he's on route sixty six in one place and then another another city it looks like he went on some kind of trip but you want him to be you want him to put something else on to dress up a little bit first.
- [32:01]
B
Profile picture especially for his opening headshot okay pat you're going to get a lot more traction than the kinds of women that you're looking for you're a smart guy by reading your profile and you want somebody that can match your intelligence that can match your you seem really kind and what's going to happen is when you have better photos high resolution looking right at the photo smiling with great clothes on you're going to get more people that are going to be interested in you because you sound like a great guy and then in.
- [32:36]
A
His own words don't start with twenty twenty maybe say like hey i'm looking forward to twenty twenty six and here's what i'm doing then is that right.
- [32:44]
B
Exactly exactly and be positive in your profile talk about the kinds of things that you've done that light you up and the kinds of things that you'd like with a partner what are you excited about in life so we've talked.
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A
A lot about the apps i want to go to two things the initiating and then talking about first dates and early dating if people are just getting out there and they're dating i i'm saying in real life but i guess you know if they're meeting somebody outside of the app so first of all if you see you're interested in somebody i guess whether it's on an app or in person what is the best way to do that reach out out.
- [33:21]
B
So on an app say hi tamsyn exclamation mark write a little bit end it with the question sign your name that's how you get somebody's attention on a dating app if you're looking to meet somebody in real life and you like them okay and you're interested let's play this together we're going to do three seconds of eye contact okay and a smile okay okay ready one two two three then you can look away and then maybe a few seconds later you can look back at the person again okay right so now you're clearly it's three seconds of eye contact that felt like a long time didn't it.
- [34:01]
A
It did why three seconds just is that like that extra look it's that.
- [34:05]
B
Extra look for we all when we see people looking at us we're kind of like is that person looking at me are they looking behind my shoulder yeah but when you're looking into somebody's eyes for three seconds it's it's like oh you are looking at me it's just that little bit of that extra hold it's like when you hug someone and they hug you for that extra two seconds you're like that was a hug what does that mean yeah what does that mean exactly so that's why three seconds of eye contact a smile look away look back now if that doesn't give that person an invitation to walk up to you and talk to you then you know what you can do walk up to the person and talk to them yourself and just make conversation about the environment that you're in you don't have to say hi i'm bella i think you're attractive would you like to speak to me use the environment for contextual clues just be like what are you drinking it's pink and fizzy and it looks so pretty that's it okay just started a conversation now.
- [35:08]
A
Should women wait to be approached or is that so old school you're going to scream at me about that or.
- [35:12]
B
Does it sense make matter listen like eminem says we got one shot okay try the three seconds of eye contact look across the room if that person isn't getting it now just because they might not be walking back up to you remember what's he afraid of he's afraid of being rejected so he might just be like oh my gosh i can't get my feet to move in her direction because the last four people i've tried to do this with have thrown a drink in my face and here you don't know his backstory okay so if you want to talk to him go up to him and talk to him what's the worst that can happen at that point you have a good brunch story about it right but if not remember i look at life in terms of two things failure versus regret you make that walk up and if it doesn't work at least you did it but to have the regret of oh my gosh i saw this guy and we were looking at each other and then i looked up and he left i have people no kidding me telling me stories like this from ten years ago i was like well we need to let that go and now we're gonna look for someone current.
- [36:22]
A
Well are you saying the guys are just as nervous about approaching women as women would be approaching them in fact.
- [36:28]
B
Let me blow your minds they're more nervous because men are genderized that they need to be the aggressive one the assertive one they need to make the first move and what do you think happens to them the majority of the they get shut down they hear no all the time they hear no more fifty times more than we as women do and so the guys we coach a lot of men at smart dating academy and they'll say if you're interested give me a sign look at me twirl make conversation with me look friendly say something then i'll know that that it's safe to actually walk up to you give me a sign if you're.
- [37:13]
A
Thinking about dates is there an ideal first date because i always like to think about safety too i think that's just a big top priority in my mind right now and so i want anyone who's listening to this to remember that and safety first and foremost but is there an ideal first date place to go something to do with that.
- [37:33]
B
Okay i love that you talked about dating safety tamsen the first thing i'm going to tell you before i get to the first date is get a google voice number voice dot google dot com it's low cost or free depending where you are it's an internet based phone number that you can talk from and you can text from so you don't ever have to give anybody your real cell phone number because guess what go online and google your own cell phone number and watch what comes up it can be pretty scary and we dole it out like water all over the internet right so number one one get that to be safe and then before you agree to meet someone out for a first date please if you take something from this call today do a video do a facetime do a zoom a fifteen to twenty minute video chat can tell you so much about this person and maybe can save you two of the worst hours of your life listen listen crazy cannot hide for more than fifteen minutes okay like truly bananas okay so now if you actually do video guess what if that person is actually cuckoo for cocoa puffs most likely it's going to come out on video and you can just say oh my gosh i have a cake that's burning in the oven i've got to go and get off the video call right so your first connection do a video thank me later.
- [39:02]
A
Okay tam fam you know that sleep is my number one priority i mean it it is the thing i focus on all the time and trust me when my sleep is off everybody feels it everybody in my life so i have to share what i've been using because it's made such a difference for me it's called the eight sleep pod five it's a smart mattress cover that goes right on top of your existing bed it's designed to help you sleep deeper and we wake up feeling more restored and what i noticed first was how it regulates my temperature all through the night i like it cool aira likes it warm and somehow we both get exactly what we want the pod learns your sleep patterns and adjusts automatically so you're not waking up to throw the blankets on and off your leg back and forth you know what i'm talking about if you know you know then there's the data when i wake up i can see how i slept sleep stages heart rate breathing all of it this holiday season eight sleep is extending their biggest sale of the year use my code tamsen at eightsleep dot com tamsen for up to four hundred dollars off the pod five you even get thirty days to try it risk free plus eight sleep products are now fsa and hsa eligible financing options such as affirm are now available this episode is brought to.
- [40:17]
B
You by ebay before all the algorithm.
- [40:20]
A
Fed blah and the endless sea of dupes shopping used to feel more fun find that feeling again on ebay it's not mindless scrolling it's a fashion pursuit.
- [40:30]
B
And when you score that rare adidas.
- [40:32]
A
Collab or the dior saddlebag you've been manifesting it's a rush ebay has millions of pre loved finds from hundreds of brands backed by authenticity guarantee ebay things people love okay any types of dates to avoid going on don't go on.
- [40:55]
B
Long epic first dates it just gives us the opportunity to have tmi too much information shared the opportunity to have that third or fourth drink no most women aren't good after the second drink and ideally if you're not good with alcohol don't drink at all on your date so short and sweet first dates i love coffee i love a walk i love a brunch so now you might say well what if somebody asked me out for dinner you can say oh rats i've got dinner plans on wednesday at eight o' clock but could we meet for happy hour from six to seven thirty now what you've done is you have cleverly put boundaries around the date you've put ninety minutes around that date my clients do not go on dates that are longer than two hours for their first date wow why two hours in the world the data show that after two hours and fifteen minutes we can start to evaluate strangers more negatively so go two hours and less for your dates and that's plenty of time so i want clients i want you dear listeners i want you to have a dating funnel where you have a multitude of options i don't want you to do one and done dating it's one of the hallmark things that we do with our clients that has made them so successful pick well and end up in that zero divorce rate so you really want to keep.
- [42:26]
A
Dating sustainable are you saying then you're dating multiple people at the same time until you decide you're to going going to get serious and focus on one.
- [42:35]
B
Yes tamsen say that again for the people in the back that might not.
- [42:38]
A
Have been listening i know it i.
- [42:40]
B
Did it right you need to have a dating funnel a dating bench what happens you use the word pink wash greenwash what happens when we only have one option we tend to ignore red flags because we have now put blinders on and because we only have one we don't want that person to have red flags because we're like ugh i don't really want to see that i'm going to sweep that under the rug because i don't want to be single anymore no you know what i look at this remember i'm a finance person i want you to diversify your dating portfolio just like you would diversify your asset portfolio i want you to have different options that you're dating now i'm talking old school dating i'm not talking about hooking up or sleeping with multiple people at the same time then you're going to have oxytocin bonding and that's a whole nother thing that you don't.
- [43:36]
A
Want want what's oxytocin bonding oh here.
- [43:40]
B
We go so women oxytocin is our power it's the attachment hormone and we give it off in logarithmically higher levels than men do it's the attachment hormone and for some women we start oxying and giving off oxytocin even we make out with somebody but now when you have sex with somebody and you orgasm boom the oxytocin is all over flooding us right oxytocin is the same hormone that makes our milk come in when we deliver babies and we're attached to that seven pound screaming person when they come out right away that's god's way of giving us the power to attach and when we are oxytocin bonding with somebody and giving that power away you are chemically bonding yourself to someone who may not be deserve you but wait.
- [44:36]
A
So you should not sleep with somebody on the first date is that the advice or you should know what you're.
- [44:41]
B
Doing well again i'm just here to be your favorite big sister and tell you i would say listen if you actually want to date this person if you're just going out there to do an equipment check after you haven't dated for twenty years and you want to make sure all the parts work that's fine i would say if you need to go out and have a bender have a bender but most likely what happens when we have a bender ladies do we want the person to call us in the morning more often than not we give away that oxytocin bonding right i hear this all the time like my mechanic is so hot and he flirts with me all the time i'm just gonna like you know kind of scratch that itch and get it out of me and then i'm gonna be ready to do your process i was like you know you know you're gonna want him to call you tomorrow and they're like no no and then guess what i get the teary text i'm waiting for him to call me i'm like oxytocin is your power don't give it away now you do you boo okay but i would tell you know that this is your superpower and do you want to just give away your power to a rando on date one it's up to you i love.
- [45:52]
A
You bella okay let's talk about things that you know if you've been in the world for a while you probably are you have in your life when does it make sense to bring up things like kids or divorce or that big life context that we eventually want.
- [46:08]
B
To talk about i like first dates the first couple dates easy breezy okay but by dates four through eight talk about divorces try to listen for any red flags if you know this person's like oh god you know i've had three ex wives and they're all nuts the last one slashed my tires what's bella going to say red flag run right that's drama run but do talk about the big things if you want to get married you're not looking desperate to say you want to get married in fact put that in your dating profile tell people i do want to get married i do want to have children right so that you're only bringing people to you that want the same thing so it is so okay remember you want to make sure that you are aligned with this person make sure that they want the same things out of a relationship that you do before you get exclusive so often we're like oh i don't know i feel like i shouldn't ask that i feel like it's going to like be weird and it's too early no that is just your insecurity you deserve so much more let twenty twenty be the year that we use our voice i want you to get comfortable being authentic use your voice if there's something that you want to know ask how long do you.
- [47:35]
A
Think somebody should be dating before they're expecting consistency or that they you know they want to get serious with somebody i wanted to go through four seasons with somebody i wanted to deal with holidays i wanted to deal with summertime i wanted to deal with all of it so it's basically my four season rule of dating what is your rule for dating do you have that so.
- [47:53]
B
Yes we have graphs we have all sorts of things at smart dating academy right this is what happens when you turn a finance nerd into a dating coach but what healthy trajectory should look like on average our clients have fifteen dates with somebody over three months before they get exclusive that averages out to a date a week with one person over the first month maybe maybe four eight weeks in you go to two dates per week with this person but while you're dating other people remember because you're leaving your funnel open then around fifteen dates okay and it's an average some of my clients it's twelve dates some it's twenty there's all green flags they've hit all of our gpqs for our client there's no red flags right that's when you know it's okay to become exclusive and if this person that you're dating isn't bringing up exclusive it's okay for you to bring it up.
- [48:50]
A
Are you telling the person that you're you have an open funnel and you're.
- [48:54]
B
Dating other people assume if you are dating someone and you haven't talked about exclusivity i tell people assume everybody's dating everybody until you have the conversation about exclusivity and let me make a little point here for everybody if somebody says to you well i'm not dating anybody else right now now that's not exclusivity.
- [49:19]
A
Right now what does that mean like.
- [49:21]
B
That means the door is open today i don't have another day i'm not dating anybody right now but as women bless our hearts sometimes we hear with the ears that we want to hear with instead of listening to the words that someone is saying is there a.
- [49:39]
A
Way to spot somebody who is emotionally.
- [49:41]
B
Unavailable well a lot of times ironically when somebody's emotionally unavailable they seem love bombery and like they're putting it all up front in the beginning and we think well wait a second i thought those were narcissists that love bomb emotionally unavailable people that's all they've got so they oh my gosh tamsen i've never met anybody like you in my life you're so different you hear all of the things but then long term when you watch their behavior right i see a lot of emotionally avoidant people flaking out after date four after date eight after date twelve and then even if they get to exclusivity and this is where my team is really watching every relationship closely to your point i want four seasons post exclusivity right and so we're with our clients from all the way until happily ever after but you want to watch for those flags on of suddenly their behavior starts to change yesterday you were the coolest girlfriend in the world today you're needy and annoying you're like wait what just happened when their behavior starts to change we think it's our fault he's not texting as much he's not calling as much she's suddenly saying oh you know what i've got these girls trips i don't think i can see you whatever these significant behavior changes means something is not right.
- [51:08]
A
How do you teach people to deal with those because i think that that's always the that's kind of where i always see the hardest part we went out we were out a few times i haven't heard anything i haven't heard back should i text him again should i check in and make sure he's okay what what do you say to people when it comes to behavioral changes you know of inconsistency i guess inconsistency.
- [51:29]
B
To me is one of the worst things i want words and actions to make match long term yeah so how.
- [51:36]
A
Much how much leeway do you give people when it comes to inconsistency not.
- [51:40]
B
A lot i mean if somebody says i'm going to call you at five o' clock and they don't call without a oh my gosh i have a work meeting like life happens kind of thing okay that's fine i'll give anybody the benefit of the doubt when life happens right but then do they show up and reschedule the next time but with regards to inconsistencies long term those are red flags your mouth and your feet need to be pointed in the.
- [52:06]
A
Same direction so i want to ask you this because i want people to have hope if someone goes okay bella tamsen i have to get back out there i'm not looking forward to it january is going to be my restart what should they know so they're going in there optimistically and with some hope that there is somebody that you know might have the qualities that they are looking for what can you tell them going into this new season i want.
- [52:28]
B
You to take on my mindset of what's called psychotic optimism i know the word psychotic is in there but i mean no matter what happens you are not going to lose the hope that the love of your life the live do your pot is out there so i want you to promise me that you are going to be a psychotic optimist and not let the inconsistencies or the unavailable people drag you down you're just going to say i'm in it to win it i'm not in it for a minute i'm not letting anybody get me down so number one have the right mindset and then remember love takes time you're going to have a dating funnel and you're going to withstand the ups and the downs but most importantly i want you to have a dating plan okay a plan has three parts to it it can have the dating apps then meeting people in real life and then have the people in your life that i call super connectors have them help you and find people to set you up on dates with.
- [53:31]
A
How do you do that do you give them your qualities do you get or just say like look i'm single i really want to meet somebody just introduce me to anybody yes just say.
- [53:41]
B
Tamsyn if you were a super connector for me and i was out in the dating world i would say tamsen you're a super connector in my life you know a lot of people and you're connected to a lot of people and i know you like connecting connecting people i would love for you anybody that you tell me bella i think there's a guy that i want you to go out with that's great and i'm so grateful for you thinking of me someone wonderful that's it i love.
- [54:07]
A
The dating plan especially going into this this new year and but having it year round so people who have followed your process don't end up divorcing what.
- [54:15]
B
Qualities do they have so the people that they look for okay it's part of our whole framework we have our clients look for what's called an elevator person okay and what does that mean we actually take them through an exercise where we have them look at the people in their life that make them really happy okay and if i said to you tamsin who are the elevator people in your life who are the people that lift you up and make you happy who are they person by person and when you write those down what are the traits that you see coming up repetitively those are the traits that you need in a partner to make you happy and to elevate you so when i see my clients going to the altar and even if they don't want to get married when they find the lid to their pot it's because they found their elevator person a person that elevates them number one has no red flags and the part the third part to smart dating is they have an attraction to this person it's as simple as that ira was my.
- [55:19]
A
Elevator person but only because i met him at an elevator bank literally see.
- [55:24]
B
Literally you were already following the smart dating system right you were imaginative and.
- [55:29]
A
I didn't even know you yet bella.
- [55:31]
B
I know but i was already watching over you tammy thank you i know.
- [55:35]
A
There'S a lot of people single going into this new year but if someone's feeling burned out or discouraged is there one bit of advice you want them.
- [55:41]
B
To hear right now sunday january fourth is predicted to be the busiest online dating date of the year get yourself out there and remember being burnt out is a state of mind and change can happen in an instant if you decide to become psychotically optimistic and hopeful i will tell you what i'm looking at you and i'm telling you love exists for you it's out there it's a when it's not an if okay and so now now don't feel hopeless because it's going to happen for you.
- [56:12]
A
Everybody needs a bella dating coach in their pocket like a pocket bella i'm.
- [56:17]
B
Here for all of you all of the time even if you're in a relationship right and you're like oh my gosh i have to go home to my husband again you can reconnect with.
- [56:27]
A
The people you love bella thank you it's so good to talk to you.
- [56:31]
B
Oh thank you so much for having.
- [56:32]
A
Me here if this conversation helped things click a little we turned today's takeaways into a workbook for you that you can actually use it's in show notes and if finding real healthy love is something you want this year this is the tool to start with if you've been getting value from these conversations you know i love to hear from you leaving a quick review really does help us out and helps the show reach more people who need it i read them and i appreciate every single one they matter more than you think thanks so much for listening to the tamsen show and i'll see you in the next episode today's podcast is sponsored by midi health so many of you know this but i was dismissed over and over again when i was struggling with perimenopause symptoms i didn't even know i was in perimenopause it is so important you're getting care from someone that specializes in women in midlife and that they're willing to have the hormone therapy conversation with you i get questions from you every single day about where to go for support and i'm always suggesting midi health it's covered by insurance and you don't even have to leave your house ready to feel your best and write your second act script visit join midi dot com tamsent today to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit that's joinmitty dot com tamsen midi the care women deserve.