A (0:00)

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Hey ladies. Hey guys, it's Tamsen. Welcome back to the Tamsen Show. If you're new here, I am so glad you found this one today. Because this episode, this one I have been sitting with for a little while and I wasn't, I don't know, I just wasn't so sure. We're talking about friend breakups and this one's a hard one for me. Before we go anywhere though, I just wanna say something. If you are carrying the loss of a friendship right now, no matter how long it's been, whether it's been last month or five years ago, whether it blew up or. Or just kind of quietly faded away, I want you to know that what you're feeling is real. It counts. And you are not alone. And trust me, I know. Because I have felt it and I have been there. Here's the thing. We have this whole kind of cultural script for how a romantic breakup plays. We have a playlist, we have the girls night, we have memes about it, we share messages. We have the therapist. We have the friends who check on you weeks later. As hard as it is and sucky as it is, we know how to hold that kind of loss. But when a friendship ends. And when somebody who knew everything about you just isn't there anymore, it feels like the world is looking at you, saying like, oh, you're gonna make new friends, or don't worry about it. It's not like you were dating. Sometimes it hurts even worse than that. And you're left standing there holding something that feels enormous and nowhere to put it. And it feels like it's just this noise in your head that won't let go. That's what today is about. I want to give you a place to put it, if we can. We're going to talk about why it hurts so much. Because it does. And I do have science to back up exactly why, so it'll make a little more sense. But more than that, I want to talk about what nobody says out loud. The grief. Guilt. This strange mourning of outgrowing somebody you used to love. The loss of kind of a version of yourself that only existed with your friend. By the time we're done, I want you to feel seen in something you've probably been carrying around very quietly or just not sure how to explain to even yourself. Before I go anywhere, I want to make sure you know this episode is for you. And I mean specifically you. This is for you. If you're in the middle of a friendship that's gone strangely quiet and you don't know why, you. You're checking your phone, you're second guessing yourself, you're looking back at old texts, wondering if you, like, said something wrong. Wondering if you imagine that you were really that close. This is for you. If a friendship ended and you haven't told anyone about it or how much it hurt. Cause you didn't think you were really supposed to be that upset about it. And by the way, it's also for you if you're the one that pulled away. Because that's okay too. If you are sitting with the guilt of outgrowing somebody. If you've been telling yourself that you're this terrible person because you either stop calling back or only texted back like two days later. Or if there's just somebody you miss, not a partner, a family member, a friend that you have not spoken to in a long time and every once in a while it just catches you off guard. And by the way, I get it. I'm 55 years old. I would think at this point I would have had my friendships figured out, would have understood it, would have thought that midlife would be this time when like my. My circle of 5 or 10 or whatever it is was locked in And I felt, like, settled there and, you know, everything was the way it was always gonna be. Instead, though, this can be a time when there's this new chapter that things get complicated all over again. I see you, and I am here for you. So let's get into the conversation. I want to start with something that happened to me. And it was a long time ago. It was around my first wedding, which should have been one of the happiest times of my life. I had one of the worst friendship breakups I had ever been through. And I didn't even have the words then to call it that. It didn't happen all at once. And that was the thing. It was kind of this slow burn. It was somebody I had known for a long time, and I had shown up for her completely for her wedding. I was there for every step of it. The shower, the planning, the emotions, all of it. I was all in. And I didn't do any of that to keep score. I loved it. I was excited about it. It was years before I was even ready to settle down. That's not why you do those things for the people you love. You do them because you love them, not to keep score. Then several years later, it was my turn. My wedding was coming, and I started noticing, like, a non response, right? I started noticing silence. And it was a little slow at first. It was calls that were like, return days later or didn't get returned at all. Specific plans weren't getting made that obviously you need to get made around your wedding. And I think I was telling myself, like, oh, that's not really happening. Maybe, you know, she's busy with work. I'm not really sure what's going on. There's no way this could be going on because, oh, my gosh, we're so close. And I didn't want it to be true. And then about a week before my wedding, a week, she told me she couldn't make it because of work. And I remember that feeling, like I was literally standing there going, I don't even understand. Like, how is that possible? There was nobody else that I wanted there outside of my family. Well, except the guy I was marrying at the time and her. That's who I wanted. And my mom had always told me that, you know, your girlfriends mean the most. Like, she would say, guys come and go when you're dating, but your girlfriends are so important to you. Always remember that. And of course, I was like, oh, my God, what did I do wrong? You know, did. Was she offended by something? Did I make her upset, was it me? That's where my mind always goes straight to myself. Like, what have I done? What did I miss? How did I fail her? And this must be my fault. So I was pretty upset about it. And instead of saying, like, I can't believe you're doing this to me, I made up stories in my own mind. And then I filled that silence with explanations again, all about me, the worst possible versions of things. And I carried the stories around for a long time. And I did the silent treatment. Cause I couldn't believe it. And I got married. And she was not there. I'm gonna tell you what eventually happened with this friendship, this person at the end of the episode. Because there's a part of the story that I think you need to hear. And it's gonna land so much better once we've gotten through all the stuff I wanna talk about and then come back to it. But here's what I want you to know right now. By the time we're done talking today, you're gonna have some real tools for how to move forward. Not just the why of it and, like, a simple explanation, but the actual what do I do now? Literally, specific things that I wish I had known that you can do this week if you're in any kind of situation like that, and maybe even today, to start putting this down. Because understanding why something hurts, that's one side of it. That's only one side. The other is knowing what to do with that. So here's the first thing, and I said it earlier. You are not alone in this. Not even close. Almost every woman I know and I have had the incredible privilege of talking to some remarkable women on this show, has a friendship she's mourning in some way, a version of closeness she's lost. Almost every woman I know has gone through a friendship breakup. Whether it's a chapter that just ended before she was ready or she had to be brave enough to close it herself. And yet somehow, every single one of us walks around feeling like they're the only ones this has happened to. And it's almost like a small, shameful thing that we've carried very quietly. And I really do believe it's because we don't have the language for it. And we don't have kind of a ritual that we have with a breakup, right? We don't have a TV show like Sex and the City where it's one breakup after another. So you see all these different iterations of it. Only bring that up because I've been watching all the old reruns lately. We also don't have that permission slip when it all kind of falls apart. So when a marriage ends, there's a word for it. There are legal documents. There's a process, no matter how awful it can be, that the world recognizes. When a friendship ends, though, there's nothing. There's no ceremony. There's no moment that you can point to. Maybe when it happened, you just kind of start noticing that silence getting louder Tam Fam Tax season is one of the only times I usually sit down and look at the full picture. What I earned, what I spent, what I saved. And usually, I gotta tell you, it leaves me wondering where it all went. I have been using Monarch and I love it. It has helped me stop looking backward and start making intentional decisions about where my money's going next. Especially when it comes to investing a tax refund wisely instead of just letting it disappear. Simplify your finances with Monarch Monarch is an all in one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier. And these days I am all about ease. And here's what I like though. It brings my entire financial life, budgeting accounts and investments, net worth and future planning together in one dashboard on your phone or your laptop. I love it on my app. Feel aware and in control of your finances this tax season and get 50% off your Monarch subscription with Code Tamsin. What I appreciate is that Monarch keeps me focused on achieving milestones, not just tracking my spending. I can see all of it. Debt, payoff timeline, savings goals. Achieve your financial goals for good with Monarch, the all in one tool that makes money management simple. Use code tamsin@monarch.com for half off your first year. That's 50% off@monarch.com Code Tamsen I still remember what buying glasses used to feel like. It was confusing and way overpriced. I just wanted something that looked good on my face and that I could see out of and didn't exhaust me. Trying to figure out how much it was going to cost is honestly why I became a Warby Parker person years ago when they opened their first New York City location. That's when I bought my first pair and I was sold. The styles are current, the frames feel substantial, and the entire experience just makes sense. I'm wearing my Warby Parker frames in Daisy Oat Barrel and they're a prescription. I get compliments on them all the time and people are always surprised when I tell them where they're from because they look way more expensive than they are. Warby Parker also makes it so easy to handle everything in one place. You can. You get prescription glasses, sunglasses, contacts, even online eye exams if you want. And if you ever want an in person option, they have hundreds of retail stores across the U.S. the one thing I respect about the brand though is that for every pair they sell, they give a pair to someone in need. They've already distributed over 20 million pairs through their Buy a pair, give a Pair program, which says a lot about how they think about impact, not just sales. If you're due for new glasses or you've been putting it off, I'm telling you, Warby Parker is the place. Warby Parker gives you quality, better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when you buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbyparker.com Tamsen that's 15% off when you buy two pairs of glasses at W A R B Y parker.com Tamsen after you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them the Tamsen show sent you. So here's what I found out when I was researching this episode and I did a lot of research on this because I actually, because it's kind of hard to find a lot out there. But I want you to hear this and really hear it because it changed how I thought about all of it. A researcher named Ethan Cross at the University of Michigan published a study back in 2011. He put people who had been through painful, unwanted breakups into a brain scanner and he showed them photos of the person who had rejected them and then asked them to think about how they felt. So the parts, this is fascinating. The parts of the brain that lit up were the exact same regions that fire when you experience physical pain. Not similar regions, the exact same ones, according to this publication, the ones responsible for processing an actual like if you burn yourself a broken bone. So when you say losing a friend hurt, you're not being dramatic about it. You're describing what is literally happening inside your brain. I just, it blows my mind. Your brain has been telling you the truth the whole time, yet nobody hands you anything for it. Nobody, you know, I don't know, brings you coffee, nobody gives you time off. You go back on Monday and someone asks how your weekend was and you're not going to be like, oh, my friend and I broke up. We have been walking around with this broken leg and pretending we're not limping and I think it's time we have stopped doing that. So I mentioned earlier, that there's no name for what you're carrying around, but they're actually is a name. And I found this in my research. I want you to actually listen to this, maybe write it down. There is a term in psychology for what happens when we grieve a friendship. There's another researcher named Dr. Kenneth Doka back in 1989. The term is disenfranchised grief. So here's how I understand it. Disenfranchised grief is grief that society doesn't recognize or really even validate. It's grief that doesn't get that ritual we were talking about. Doesn't get the, I don't know, coffee or casseroles or whatever it is, cupcakes, check in, texts, bereavement, leave. It's a grief that the world and eventually yourself just decides does not count or doesn't matter. And friendship, loss, when you lose a friend or somebody close to you like that sits right in the middle of that category. Here's why this matters so much. When grief goes unrecognized and you don't have permission to actually feel it, when you know, when you're feeling, it's like, come on, it was just your friend. Don't worry about it. Or, you know, you'll figure it out. The grief doesn't go away with dismissive things like that. It just kind of goes inward, and then it eventually turns into shame. And so you're thinking, and I remember this, I was like, why am I even still thinking about her? Why does this even bother me so much? What is wrong with me? She didn't want to be there. Nothing is wrong with you. You're grieving, and you're grieving something that I really. I really believe our culture has not built a container for yet. And what sucks is that the loss is real, the hurt is real, and sometimes we end up just dismissing it ourselves so nobody else does. So I want to say this again as clearly as I can. You are allowed to grieve a friendship and take it seriously. And I. I'm begging you, even if it was five years ago, I don't care. A month ago, five years ago, 10 years ago. You need to do that because it really matters. So I was also thinking about the fact that this didn't hit me really until midlife. It's hit a lot of us, I think in midlife, a lot of people have told me two things. They have a hard time finding friends, and they're dealing with a lot of friend breakups. I think that this Time matters, though, because our circle is getting a little bit smaller, right? Friendships that used to feel like super easy start to feel like work. Then there's this weird experience of looking around your life and realizing that the lineup has shifted and you're not sure what happened. I know some of you are thinking, like, I'd have thought by this point I would have had this crap figured out. And I did, too. I was thinking, gosh, by midlife, I'm going to be. I'm going to have it all together. My friends aren't anything I'm gonna have to worry about because I already know who they are. But that's actually not what happens. What happens is that I've seen midlife acting like a filter on a lot of parts of our life, right? We've talked about it on this show before. It's definitely a filter on relationships, right? Partners, what's going on there. I think it's a filter on career and what we're deciding. And I also think it's a filter on friendships. And that filter is really hard. Here's what it's doing, though, as hard as it is. And I want you to see this, even if it's painful right now. You're finally getting to know yourself in all those scenarios. You're getting clear on what you value, because, let's face it, we don't have forever now on what you need and also on what you're not willing to put up with. And when that happens, you start to notice which friendships are built on what and which actually matter and what you want to do with those, and the fact that you're not always going to want to be around the same type of person. Some of the deepest friendships were formed when you were completely different. So, you know, I have some of my friendships that formed when I was in my 20s and we bonded over our jobs and television. Crappy relationships, the same type of guy, the same phase of life, trying to pay our rent. Like, that bond was really real. And then things shifted a little bit. And some of those friendships make the journey with you, right? And some don't. And then sometimes you have the person that you could pick up the phone after 15 years and still hear their voice and still pick up that conversation. But the ones that don't, don't do that just because somebody's a bad person. It's not because the friendship wasn't real. It's because it was built for a version of you that is still inside you somewhere, probably, but no longer running the show. I'll tell you this though, and I've even noticed this in my own circles. There are women that I love deeply in my 30s that know a lot of stuff about me. And then I couldn't find my way back to those friendships in my 40s, no matter how hard we tried, we had just kind of grown into different people who needed different things. Maybe we moved away. Whatever it was, there was nothing bad about it. It just. We just kind of moved away from each other. I did spend a long time, though, feeling guilty about a lot of it before I understood it was just what life is doing. I also think it's important to talk about how these things actually end because, and I've mentioned it a few times now, the naming of these really helps. There are basically what I've discovered three different ways. There's kind of like that slow fade, right? Like the lights kind of dim down. Nobody says anything. The texts get shorter or they stop or they're further apart. Or like you text one day and you get a text back like a week later, like, oh, I'm so. I'm so busy. Plans get made and then not made again. Until one day you realize you don't remember the last real conversation you had. It's like the song gets turned down gradually and you don't know when the room went silent. And most of us have done this or had it done to us. This show is sponsored by MIDI Health. I remember it sitting in the doctor's office, listing off everything I was feeling. Exhaustion, brain fog, mood swings, sleep, all of it. And getting nothing but a vague smile. And this is just part of getting older. No test, no plan, just a brush off. And I thought, is this really it? If you're in midlife and feeling dismissed or unheard, I want you to know you're not imagining it. And you're definitely not alone. 75% of women who seek care for perimenopause or menopause symptoms, they walk away untreated. 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What email did I use, what password is it and where is my wallet and I'm not getting out of bed to find it. And then you see it. That purple button at the top of the payment options. When you know, you know that purple button is shop pay and it makes checkout ridiculously simple. No digging for your card, no trying to log in Tap one time. Try to remember your information. It's all right there. In a chaotic online shopping moment. It is the easiest part of the whole experience that's powered by Shopify. Shopify is e commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and about 10% of all E commerce in the US from household names like Brooklinen and Alessi to brands just getting started. And if you're building your own brand, Shopify helps you create a beautiful online store with hundreds of ready to use templates so your site matches your style. It also helps you move faster with built in AI tools that can write product descriptions, create page headlines and even enhance product photography fee and once you're live, Shopify makes it easy to run email and social media campaigns so you can reach customers where they already are scrolling every single day or night like me. Plus Shopify keeps a business side in one place. Inventory, payments, analytics, shopping, shipping, returns so you're not juggling a dozen tools. See less carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com Tamsin that's shopify.com Tamsen shopify.com Tamsen I have slow faded people. I'll be honest about that. I'm not proud of it all the time, but I also understand why we do it. Because the alternative which is the actual conversation can be freaking terrifying. All right, I am not wasting your time. I promise you. Tools and this is where we're gonna go next. Real ones things that you can actually do the first one. And don't laugh about this because people still do this. Write a Letter that you're never gonna send. Like, sit down. Not at your phone, not on your computer, not on your iPad. With an actual piece of paper and a pen. Give yourself 20 minutes. Set a timer. I don't care. However you wanna do it. Write down everything you would say to her if you could say anything. Everything you wish you knew, everything you didn't get to explain or didn't feel comfortable explaining. Whatever you're angry with, whatever you miss, all of it just out. Just. You don't have to send it. That's not the point of this. The point is, is that grief that lives only in your head just keeps growing there. It doesn't even have any. It doesn't have edges. It keeps expanding. The second you put that thing on paper, it becomes finite. Like, very specific. You can see it. You don't have to keep ruminating because I'm a big ruminator. You can then close a notebook and it's on that piece of paper, and it's very finite. The second one. And this was my mom's favorite. Like, she did this to me all the time. The two columns. Does anyone else's mom do the two columns? Like, the two column thing? She'd be like, draw a line, the middle of the paper. On this side, put this on this side, put that. Okay, so on the left side, I want you to put everything the friendship gave you. On the right side, I want you to put everything it cost you. And I mean both. Not just the losses, but the gifts too. The inside jokes, for example, the way that she saw you. The version of yourself that was only existing around the two of you. Get it all down, both sides. Don't just do one column, because sometimes we all get stuck. Like in the left column, and it's really long. And then the right one where we're like, oh, there was nothing there. Because either we're romanticizing all of it and can't let go, or we're telling ourselves it was toxic and that's why it ended. But the truth is usually in both of those columns at once. And when you see those things side by side, I swear you can really start to get honest with yourself. Okay, the third one, and you'll know why. This is, like, maybe the one that I star. It's the reach out test. If you are sitting there wondering whether you should call or reach out or say something or text or try to fix it, I want you to ask yourself one question before you do that. Who are you doing this for? Are you doing it for you or Are you doing it for her? And there's no wrong answer. Both are okay, but those are different conversations. If you are reaching out because you need closure, you've got to own that. And then you gotta go in there wanting the truth, not just wanting a friendship back. If you're reaching out because you genuinely believe that she's got to hear from you and there's something that was maybe misconstrued, that's different too. But you've got to know which one it is before you pick up the phone. Because if you don't know which one that you're looking for before you pick up the phone, before you reach out, and it's probably not going to give you any more clearer answers than before you picked up the phone. The fourth one, don't fill the space yet. And I think this is one that I've definitely gotten wrong in the past. And a lot of us do. We lose a friendship, and the instinct is to immediately replace the feeling. Fill the calendar, find another friend, see everybody. You can prove to everybody that you're fine and to yourself that you're going to be okay. And that's instinctual. I get that. But I don't think you're giving yourself that room to say, like, what do you miss about your friend? What do you miss about the version of yourself that existed in that friendship? And those are questions with different answers for everybody. But I guarantee you're not going to hear the answers if you fill the space. And that reminds me a lot of a breakup. You know, a breakup with a partnership. I think that a lot of us jump back out there and start dating again to fill that space, but that's not always the answer for it. So that one definitely. There is a correlation there. Okay, this is the last. This is the fifth one. It's probably the simplest one. Tell one person. Not a hundred, not 200 people, not the whole story, not the whole breakdown, not every detail. I just want you to find one person. It could be your therapist. It could be your partner. It can be that one other friend that can really hold it. But I think you have to say these words out loud. I am grieving so and so I'm grieving a friendship, and I'm really having a tough time with it. Like, it's a lot harder than I expected. You don't have to relitigate the whole thing. You don't have to, you know, go through the process again. But I do think you need to have one person hear you say it. And I think you have to have one person share it with you, it stops being a secret. Then it stops being shameful. And the most important thing is it starts being a real loss, which is exactly what it was. Okay, so I did promise you the rest of my story, and this is always a hard story for me, I'll be honest. After my friend did not come to my wedding in all that silence and all that hurt, I carried it for a long time. So first I was angry, then I was hurt, Then I was angry again. Then I, like, acted like I didn't care. I had nothing to say to her. And I definitely couldn't find the words that were any words I should. You know, I would be screaming at her. And I filled the silence with a lot of different stories. And I never. I never tried to replace her or anything like that. I just sort of didn't understand what had happened. But a lot of the stories I told myself were the worst possible version. And then, you know, there's moments in your life you really remember. I remember this one really well. It was in New York City. It was years, years after my wedding. It was raining. It was disgusting. I was under umbrella. I was walking on 57th Street. And something just shifted in me. I have no idea why. I'm like, what the hell am I doing? We only have one life. Why am I carrying all this with me and not getting an answer? I've told myself all these stories. She didn't pick up the phone. I didn't pick up the phone. I don't understand it. So I did what I just told you to do. I called her. And I think I shocked her. I shocked myself. So I definitely shocked her. She picked up the phone and I said, whatever happened? Like, I miss you so much. And I just. I don't know what happened. You never told me. She told me that at that time, when I was getting married, she had been going through something very difficult in her own personal life. And coming to my wedding was something she just couldn't do. She just couldn't do it. She'd use work as an excuse because she just could not show up for me and didn't know how to tell me. And she was barely holding herself together. And it totally made sense, every bit of it. But I kept going, like, why didn't I reach out sooner? Why didn't she reach out sooner? Why couldn't she have just told me? Here's what I know. None of those. I don't know how many stories I told myself were true. Our friendship, never quite the same Again, however, we can have conversations now, and there's something really special about that. We've never shifted back into the relationship that we had. But that phone call took a lot of weight off. It took the weight off that I'd been carrying for a long time, and maybe she had too. And so it was so important I did it and I had no idea. And the one regret I have is I didn't do it sooner. But I don't know that we could have had a really honest conversation like that had I done that sooner. So here's what I wanna say to you as we wrap up this episode today. You have those five tools. You can use any ones you want. You can use a few of them, all of them, whatever it is. You have the letter, you have my mom's like two column rule that she gave me, the reach out test. You have, you know, giving yourself that space in a friendship or telling one person, none of them require you to have it all figured out first. And none of them require the other person to do anything. They just require you to decide that you are done letting this loss entirely take over your head and your life and keep feeling heavier every day. And at this point in our lives, we have to take our power back and understand that the grief is real, the loss is real. You don't have to use any of those tools if you don't want to. You are allowed to deal with this any way you want, but know that that loss is real. I do want to leave you with this. The friendships that mattered, they changed you no matter what. They made you funnier or braver or maybe more honest. And they did see versions of you that maybe nobody else saw. And even the ones that ended badly and that you, you know, you're like, ugh. Even those that ended without explanation, they were real. And so are you. Every version of you that lived inside those friendships was real. And it is still becoming and still changing with time. And that's okay. I really want to thank you for being with me today on this. A lot of you have reached out to talk about friendship, shared your stories with me. I would love to hear more. If this one meant a lot to you, please let me know. Share it with somebody. Text it to a friend. If you're somebody who has gotten one of my books in the mail, it's a way to say thank you for leaving a review. We wanted to surprise some people and so we've been sending out books randomly. I hope you got one. If not, we're still sending them out. But please, if this has helped you in any way, do share it, because the woman who might need this episode right now probably hasn't told anybody that she needs it. So be the one to tell her and let her know she's not alone. And I will see you next time.