← The Tamsen Show
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- [00:00]
Tamsen
Today's podcast is sponsored by Midi Health. So many women tell me the same thing. They finally speak up about brain fog, exhaustion or anxiety and they're brushed off or told it's just stress or age. That kind of dismissal makes you question your own body. Midi changes that by offering expert insurance covered virtual care that actually understands midlife and treats women like they matter. Ready to feel your best and write your second act script? Visit joinmitty.comtamsin today to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit. That's joinmitte.com Tamsen Midi the care Women deserve.
- [00:40]
Progressive Insurance Announcer
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- [01:23]
Tamsen
Welcome back to the Tamsen Show. I am so happy you're here with us. So today we are continuing our how to Menopause series. I have been taking my book chapter by chapter. This is for the first time going even deeper on the podcast. My book is how to Menopause. It's on sale now, by the way, in the show links and I wrote it because when I was going through perimenopause and menopause, I didn't have a big sister to help me through it. Nobody sat me down and said, hey, just want to let you know, here's what's maybe coming and you're going to feel chaotic in your life and here's how to take control of your health and your relationships and it's all going to be okay. I, along with so many of you, had to figure it out the hard way. And so that's what I'm here for. And that's what this series is all about. Today we're opening to the relationships chapter. So classes in session, ladies. I want to start though by sharing something with you and get real about what happened in my own marriage. So it's hard to imagine. Ira and I are coming up on five years this year and when I think about what we went through in some of the early years of our marriage, it's a lot. Ira got demoted to roommate. Not because I stopped loving him, because I love him so much, not because anything was wrong between us. He still makes me laugh. Every morning, every afternoon, every night. He's, like the happiest person I know. But my body was going through something, and I had no idea how to explain it to him. And honestly, I barely understood it myself. He didn't know what was happening. I didn't know what was happening. And I. I remember the silence between us just kind of got bigger and bigger. And so I want to start with what I think might be the most universal experience of this whole transition. Your partner, your husband, your boyfriend. Chewing too loud. Snoring keeps you up at night. That, like, sound that they make with their mouth, like. Like, all of a sudden, it is magnified. Everything he does is irritating you, and you don't fully understand why, and you actually feel guilty about it, but you cannot stop because everything feels like too much. The good news is this. Once you understand it, everything gets easier to navigate, including his chewing, which no longer bothers me. So let me tell you what's going on. All of these symptoms, the irritability, the not wanting to be touched, the. The pulling away, like being over on your side of the bed, hoping he doesn't initiate everything, or your partner doesn't even look at you.
- [03:48]
Monday.com Announcer
Almost.
- [03:48]
Tamsen
What's always happening is your partner sees you pulling away and takes that personally. They think it's them. They think something has changed between the two of you, and they don't know that you still love them. In some cases, you just can't face another uncomfortable or frustrating experience right now. So as. As a result, they start pulling back to protect themselves. And now you're both in your corners of the bed or corners of your room, and nobody is saying anything, and that distance just keeps growing. So that's a pattern, and it happens in so many relationships during this time. I actually did a lot of research on this, and what I found didn't surprise me at all. Relationships end at a dramatically higher rate during midlife, and a lot of women initiate the ending of those relationships. I have no doubt that a lot of it has to do with what women are going through and nobody is talking about. So first, let's talk about desire real fast, because there's something I want to explain to you, which I didn't understand at first, but I think it'll really change the way you see all of this. I grew up with one idea of desire, right? You just want it like out of nowhere, you're in the mood. It's spontaneous desire. It's what's in every movie, every Hollywood film. It's what's in every rom com. It's what most of us experienced when we were younger. But there is a different kind. It's called responsive desire. And the simplest way that I can explain it to you is this. And this is how it was explained to me. You're not really feeling it going in, but once things actually start get going, once there's closeness and connection, your body starts responding and then you're glad you're there. The desire shows up after, not before. So think of it like going to the gym. You don't always want to go, but then once you're there, you're actually really happy you went. The research shows that a large number of women, especially after menopause, primarily experience responsive desire. It's not a sign that you have stopped loving your partner or something's wrong or broken. It's just how your desire works now. And once you explain that to a partner, that you're still responding to them, even if you're not initiating it and being all wild like you were when you were 20. Now maybe it changes everything. Cuz they're not taking that silence so personally and they understand what's going on. While I was researching this book, I explained this to Ira. I swear it was really a turning point. We stopped waiting for me to spontaneously want something and then started creating, you know, a space for it, conditions for it. And it just really started with a conversation. And so it wasn't a conversation about what was wrong, it was a conversation about what was actually happening. This next part is something we hear a lot, right? Take care of yourself first. Fill your own cup first. And it really, really applies. And I'm gonna be real with you here. Cause I need you to hear this in a way a best friend would say it with love and not judgment. It is really easy right now to be so frustrated and annoyed with your partner or anyone around you. And some of that may be totally fair. They may be getting things wrong. But the only person you can actually control is you. And if you're not taking care of yourself, no one else is gonna do it for you. That is the truth. You deserve to be taken care of. And the person most capable of doing that is you. And that is a really important part of having successful relationships. I see so many women in this season of life running on fumes, carrying everything for everyone. Managing the house, the kids, the jobs, putting themselves last. Like hoping they can squeeze in a workout or a walk with a friend. And then they can't figure out why they feel like crap. And I was totally one of them. You can't show up for anybody else. Your relationship, your work, your kids. What you want to do next if you are depleted. The purpose of these sessions is to not overwhelm you, but it's to help you get real with what's going to work with a little list. Not a big list. So I want to stop here for a second before anything else. I don't know about you, but I get really caught up sometimes and busy. And I didn't know how much I'd stopped noticing my skin until I started paying attention to it again. That's what Oneskin did a few weeks ago. I caught my reflection and I was like, something's different. Not filter different. Real different. One Skin was founded by an all women's team, first of all, of PhD scientists focused entirely on longevity research. Their OS1 peptide is the first ingredient clinically proven to target senescent cells, the ones that drive visible aging. Four peer reviewed studies back this up. It layers into your existing routine already. And I gotta tell you, the texture is beautiful. It's earned the National Eczema association seal of acceptance. The science got me the results. Well, they keep me. Born from over a decade of longevity research, OneSkin's OS1 peptide is proven to target the visible signs of aging, helping you unlock your healthiest skin now. And as you age, for a limited time, Try OneSkin with 15% off using code TAMSEN@OnSkinCO. TAMSIN, that's 15% 15 off OneSkin CO with Code Tamson. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you.
- [08:50]
Mochi Health Male Speaker
Look at him eating whatever he wants, never gaining a pound. While I'm stuck with the boring special and can't lose an ounce. How's your lunch, man? Amazing. Yours?
- [08:59]
Tamsen
So good.
- [09:00]
Mochi Health Male Speaker
Oh, I'm so happy for you. Cool, buddy.
- [09:03]
Mochi Health Female Speaker
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- [09:10]
Tamsen
So same time next week?
- [09:12]
Mochi Health Male Speaker
No, Definitely.
- [09:13]
Mochi Health Female Speaker
And your friends learn more@joinmochi.com Mochi members have access to licensed physicians and nutritionists. Results may vary.
- [09:20]
Tamsen
I want to make sure you are getting the medical help that you need. Finding a doctor that listens to you. Finding a doctor you trust. Get on hormones if you decide that's right for You. We've covered that a lot in this podcast. Protect your sleep like it's your job, because basically it is lean on your community, your friends, people that are around you, the women who get it. And again, those are foundations. Get those in place, and I promise you this, everything else is gonna be so much more manageable. So if you're out walking right now listening to this podcast, if you're, you know, in the kitchen, I don't know, getting. Getting lunch ready or dinner ready, I want you to think about what you can do today to help you in this process. Okay, let's go ahead and get back to the relationship itself. I already said the most important thing that you can do is take care of yourself. The next is to talk to your partner. And I know it's easier said than done. It doesn't have to be this huge, like, can we talk? Conversation? Because everybody hates those. And you don't have to have everything all figured out. You can just say, something is going on with my body. I'm still figuring it out. But I just want you to know this is not about you and we're going to get through this together. That literally is enough to at least get started with the conversation. So a lot of women I've spoken to have said, like, I don't even know where to begin this. And I get it. It's like. It's weird, right? We've never had to have this conversation before. But I actually wrote in the book a love letter. The kind you might send to a partner when you can't find the words in person. So I'm gonna read part of it to you. Cause I think that's gonna be helpful. And it says some of the things that are genuinely hard to say out loud. And took me a while to actually write this because I didn't want it to sound like goo or make it sound too rehearsed. But here is the love letter that I wrote in the book. This is on page 167 if you're following along, by the way. Love letter to my partner. I want you to know it's still me. I'm here. I'm just feeling a little different some days because I didn't know what to expect during menopause. Truth is, I knew it would happen one day, but somehow the symptoms still took me by surprise. Some days I've got this. I feel on top of the world. I get a great night's sleep finally, or hit the gym and feel like my old self. But then there are those days that I know you notice when I am not sure what I'm feeling. One minute I want to cry, the next minute I feel rage inside that I've never felt before and then on myself again, my old self. I get frustrated when I go to the closet and find that same top or pants that fit not long ago are now too tight or won't button. My weight has shifted. I don't feel sexy or like that girl who used to parade around scantily clad. My arms are not my own. I don't even recognize them. I feel bloated. No matter what I've had to eat. Alcohol makes me feel awful the next day. And the sex. Well, you know, it's not that I don't want to have sex with you. It's just not always comfortable. Sometimes it's even painful. I hate to say that to you. So I just make up an excuse because it's embarrassing. I know this is a transition that I will get through, but I haven't had a lot of people to talk to about it. Even finding a doctor has been its own grueling process. Add to that the nights that you are sleeping so peacefully next to me and I am tossing and turning and sweating out the night. And then there is how society views a menopausal woman. Like she is invisible. But I want you to know I'm working to change this for myself, for you, for us, and for all women who should never have to feel shame in this transition. I love you like I always have, even more because you are willing to listen. Thank you for letting me know that we've got this together. Xo me. P.S. even though I said it wasn't me, I did turn the thermostat down to 65 all those times. So if you hear any of that, or feel any of that, or understand any of that, here's what I want you to do. Steal the letter if you want. Write your own version. The point is to let them in and give them something to hold on to. And I actually think about what happens outside the bedroom too, because intimacy is built on all of that. Not just in the moments in bed or before sex or when you're laying there cuddling. Esther Perel is a therapist and an author who has spent her career studying long term desire. She talks about seeing your partner as someone you're still curious about, not someone entirely figured out like a new restaurant. A question you have never asked. Something that breaks the routine of just being two people who share a calendar. It sounds small, but it really does add up. So here's something else I want to talk about. Divorce. I know it's on a lot of minds these days. There's a lot of headlines about it. There's a lot of talk about it. Divorce during midlife. Gray divorce, a term you know, I hate. But divorce is incredibly common and a lot of it can be connected to this transition. I really believe that. Not because the love is gone, because things become very clear. The noise gets quiet. The things that used to slide, you can't slide anymore. And those little things that used to not bother you start to drive you absolutely crazy. Some women look at the relationship and that clarity and realize it's not the one they want to be in. That clarity is real and it matters. Oh gosh, I love this time of year. There is something about this time of year where I just want to move. I want to walk, I want to get outside, I want to just get in motion. Long walks, workouts, being outside again. It makes me rethink the basics I'm wearing every day. I've been getting back into my lifting workouts and bomba sports socks have been such a game changer. They're cushioned where you need them. They stay in place and I'm not distracted, like adjusting everything all the time. I can just focus on moving. And you know, I love my morning walks and you know what happens when I put my boots back in the closet. Then I'm all about comfortable footwear. Bombas has warm weather footwear and it's back in rotation. It's lightweight, supportive and perfect for travel days or for just running out the door. Especially when it comes to their sandals. Even their basics, though, have surprised me overall. The tees, the underwear, they're soft, they're breathable and they just feel like an upgrade from what I was wearing before. This is also a part that really matters to me. For every item you purchase, an essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. One purchased, one donated. With over 150 million donations and and counting, that is pretty amazing to me. Head over to bombas.comtamsen and use code tamsyn for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B A S.comtamsen code tamsen@ checkout. I want to enjoy my summer without that low grade financial anxiety hanging over my head, running in the background, that kind of money noise. Monarch is what killed that for me. Monarch is the personal finance app that tracks everything. Accounts, investment, savings goals and spending. Get your first year of Monarch for half off just $50 with promo code TAMSEN. The weekly AI recap caught a spending spike I hadn't even noticed. My lifestyle costs had quietly crept up and my savings rate slipped without me even knowing it. Well, guess what? Monarch flagged it for me before it became a real problem. It tracks everything, helps you plan ahead and take some mental load off completely, like having a financial advisor literally in your pocket. Use code tamsen@monarch.com to get your first year half off at just $50. That's 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code TAMSEN. And the women or the men who leave during this transition are not being dramatic. They're often seeing their situation more clearly than they have in years. But here's the part that's really important. And every relationship that feels impossible right now, not every one of those is broken. Some of what you're feeling is this transition. Some of it says unaddressed physical symptoms that are making everything feel harder. And some of it is the partner who genuinely doesn't know what the hell's going on has been taking it personally for months. So you owe it to yourself to know which one you are dealing with before you make a decision that cannot be undone. That is all I'm saying. And let me tell you something. I've been through my share. I've been through a divorce, so I know that those are real moments, too. But I just want you to consider that in all this. I put this episode together based on, you know, who I hear from a lot. And it's been interesting as this conversation about perimenopause and menopause has hit mainstream a bit. I'm hearing from a lot of men these days who are blaming themselves right now because they don't know what's going on. And honestly, it's not their fault because we don't always know what's going on. Like I said earlier, they're watching the person that they love change, and they can't figure out what they did or how to fix it. And it's really a painful place to be sitting in. I meet women in real life, and then I meet their husbands and their partners, too. And they're always pulling me aside, asking for advice like, how do I help? Which I love that question, what do I do? And what does she need from me? And so I wanted to make something for them because this book, how to Menopause, is all for women, even though men can read it. But I created a men's guide for menopause just to make it A little bit easier. It's something you can hand to your partner and say, this is a simplified version. It's not very many pages read this, but it breaks down what's actually happening and what it means for your relationship. And hopefully it'll help out a little bit because it's much more simplified. And I feel like that way your partner can digest it a bit. It's free. You can download it from the link in the show notes, print it out, hand it over, send the PDF, whatever you want to do. And by the way, if they're more of a podcast person, there is a full episode on this show made specifically for your partner. I'll link that in the show notes too. Send it to them, no excuses. It's literally a car ride long. Being a real partner through this is non negotiable. Not somebody who dismisses it, not somebody who makes you feel like you've got to solve everything and you're the pain in the ass. A partner who's willing to learn what you're going through and show up differently because of it. That is what is required from them. When we first launched the Tamsen show, it was really important that I had Dr. Ramani on. I have been a huge fan of hers for a long time. She's a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships, and she was on the show talking about narcissism. She pointed out to me, though, that something that really stuck. Women are just better at building support systems in their lives, friends, community, people who actually show up. And because of that, the emotional weight of a relationship, it really tends to fall more on women. So menopause is often the moment when women finally stop carrying things that were never theirs to carry alone. And she described this as a reckoning. The women who come out of this transition with stronger relationships are the one who used it as an opportunity to say that here's what I need, here's what I can't do, and here is how we need to show up for each other differently. That's not a crisis. That is how relationships actually grow. She also said, if you're going through this and your partner is meeting you with criticism or making you feel like a burden, you got to pay attention to that because you deserve somebody who can hold your hand through this, not somebody who is making it harder and telling you, like, go figure it out and then come back to me when you're normal again. If there are only two things you take away from today, it's one I really am hoping you can take care of Your sleep. Focus on it, prioritize it. Do whatever you need to do. Take care of yourself first. The second one. I want you to lean on your community. I want you to find a doctor who will actually listen. I want you to get that foundation solid. And then I promise you this, everything else will start to at least feel more clear. The relationship, the communication, the intimacy, all that has a real shot. But you have got to put you first. I'm going to keep breaking all this down for you right here on the Tamsen Show. Every chapter, every topic, going deeper. If the book's helped you or the series has helped you, I would love to hear about it. Ask any questions you want. We try to answer as many as we can on the show. Come find me. Tell me your story. That is why I do this. You are why I do this. I so appreciate you being here, and I will see you in the next episode. Okay, before you go, I made something for the man in your life, and I need you to send it to him right now. It's called the Men's Guide to Menopause. It is absolutely free. It covers everything he needs to understand about why you're not sleeping, why your mood has shifted, why sex feels different, why you might be pulling away. And it has nothing to do with him. I'm covering what to say, what not to say, how to actually show up for you. Because understanding what you're going through is not about going above and beyond. It's the bare minimum. I'll leave the link in the show notes for you.
- [21:55]
Monday.com Announcer
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