Ready to Start Dating Again? This Is the Advice I Wish I Had

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Tamsen Show

Episode: “Ready to Start Dating Again? This Is the Advice I Wish I Had”
Host: Tamsen Fadal
Date: March 30, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt and practical episode, Emmy-winning journalist and author Tamsen Fadal tackles the big, messy, and sometimes intimidating world of midlife dating. With questions pulled directly from listeners, Tamsen and producer Johanna address concerns about moving on after breakups, re-entering the dating pool after divorce, identifying red flags like narcissism, and overcoming common pitfalls. Throughout, Tamsen offers pragmatic, compassionate advice grounded in personal experience, aiming to empower women navigating dating at any stage of life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coping With an Ex Moving On – The Social Media Trap

Q from Rebecca, Florida: “My ex of six months is already in a new relationship and posting about her constantly. I know I should mute him, but I physically cannot stop looking. Please help me stop looking.”
Advice:

• Tamsen empathizes, reflecting on her own post-divorce experience before social media was as pervasive.
• Critical Insight: Watching your ex’s new relationship on social media isn’t protective—it’s corrosive.
• Tamsen’s Actionable Tip:

  “Every time you’re going to log onto the app…find one other thing to do. Go for a walk, call somebody, bake bread. It becomes a habit after a while. And that relationship has nothing to do with you anymore.” (03:00)

• Johanna adds: Don’t forget your ex can see you viewing his Instagram stories—“Don't let him win…create your own life outside of the relationship.” (04:44)
• Memorable Quote:

  “Watching him and stalking him and looking at him and seeing what they're doing is not…helping anybody win by going and creating your own life outside of the relationship.” —Tamsen (04:21)

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2. Am I Healed, or Just Numb?

Q from Michelle, Texas: “How do you know when you’re actually healed versus just numb? I feel totally fine and honestly, that scares me more than the crying ever did.”
Takeaways:

• It’s normal to fluctuate between “fine” and grieving.
• The very act of questioning your feelings is a positive sign.
• Grieving isn’t linear, and healing has no fixed timeline.
• Tamsen’s Candid Reflection:

  “I think simply by the fact that you're kind of moving through life right now, even writing in a question like this, even questioning that is a really good sign.” (05:10)
  “I don’t think there’s…an endpoint to knowing you’re all better.” (06:17)

• Johanna references “Sex and the City’s” rule: It takes half as long as you dated to get over someone.
• Tamsen’s Realism:

  “I think we give ourselves these rules because it makes things easier…That’s crazy.” (06:26)

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3. Navigating Lack of Sparks in Early Dates

Q from Adriana: “I’ve been on six first dates in the past two months. Every one was fine, but I felt absolutely nothing. Is this normal? Is something wrong with me?”
Guidance:

• No, nothing’s wrong with not feeling fireworks on first dates.
• First dates are notoriously awkward; butterflies aren’t required for a worthwhile connection.
• Consider giving a good conversationalist a second chance.
• Tamsen’s Encouragement:

  “If you go on a date and you actually have a good time…there’s some type of connection, I wouldn’t mind seeing you go on a second one.” (09:19)
  “Dating is a process of discovery, not just a checklist.” (Paraphrased from 09:45–10:45)

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4. Is It Wrong to Talk to Multiple People?

Q from Wren: “I’m 55 and just got back on dating apps. Is it wrong to talk to multiple people at the same time? It feels like cheating to me, but my daughter says that’s just how it works now. Am I being too old-fashioned?”
Tamsen’s Reassurance:

• Multitalking is not cheating—it’s practical, especially online.
• The “numbers game” is real, but don’t stay just messaging: move things to real-life meetings.
• Honesty in profiles and interactions is key; no games or age fibbing.
• Notable Quote:

  “You are not cheating by talking to multiple people at the same time…If you weren’t, I’d say you should be!” (11:04)

• Johanna & Tamsen Discuss:
  “The limit does not exist!” — Both joking about the number of people to talk to (12:36)
• Emphasis on being clear about goals and safety while dating.

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5. Spotting Narcissists Before It’s Too Late

Q from Simone: “How do you spot a narcissist before you’ve already fallen for them? I was married to one for 14 years and I’m terrified of missing it again.”
Advice & Warning Signs:

• Tamsen relates from her own history and discusses telltale signs:
  • Constantly feeling on edge or nervous (“My nervous system was heightened constantly”)
  • Performing for their approval, never feeling enough
  • Seeking their approval only for the rug to be pulled out again
• Don’t ignore those uneasy feelings—listen to your body and intuition.
• Tamsen’s Vulnerable Admission:

  “If you’re feeling something like that, please don’t ignore it.” (15:44)
  “Looking back, I saw all those signs and I turned those red flags into pretty pink flags.” (14:44)

• Johanna notes that narcissists often target confident women, which surprises many.
• Memorable Story: Mr. Big comparison — always striving, never enough, always performing, and never receiving genuine commitment (18:47–20:07).

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6. Is Never Having Been Married (at 56) a Red Flag?

Q from Claudia: “I’m 52, falling for a man who’s 56 and never been married. Everyone says it’s a red flag, but he’s the most emotionally available man I’ve ever dated. Am I ignoring something?”
Tamsen’s Nuance:

• Don’t judge solely by relationship status or what “everyone” says.
• Ask about past commitment and current intentions—don’t be afraid of honest conversations.
• Past never-married status doesn’t doom a relationship, but listen to your gut and don’t ignore inconvenient truths.
• Tamsen’s Experience:

  “I was with somebody who had never been married, and I said to myself, ‘He just hasn’t met the right person yet.’…He is now in his 60s and still never married.” (22:38)

• Candor is vital: “Somebody that wants to be there is not going to run away because you ask them a question.” (23:40)
• Johanna jokes about George Clooney as a rare example.
• Quote:

  “The end result is going to happen whether you skirt around it or not.” (24:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On social media snooping:
  “That relationship has nothing to do with you anymore…protect your mind, your mental space, your nervous system.” —Tamsen (03:30)
• On healing after heartbreak:
  “I don’t think you have to be totally healed by anything…you are human and you can grieve a loss even six months later.” —Tamsen (05:10)
• On modern dating:
  “It’s kind of a numbers game, too…You have to meet a lot of different people.” —Tamsen (11:04)
• On intuition and narcissists:
  “If you’re feeling something like that, please don’t ignore it.” —Tamsen (15:54)
• On red flags and never-married men:
  “I would have a real conversation. Don’t be afraid of the conversation or the end result.” —Tamsen (23:40)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:00: Introduction and explanation of episode format
• 02:12–04:55: Social media and exes — breaking the habit
• 04:57–06:46: Understanding healing vs. numbness post-breakup
• 09:04–10:45: No sparks on early dates — what it means
• 10:48–13:43: Is talking to multiple people okay? How many is “too many”?
• 13:50–15:54: Spotting narcissists early and lessons from past relationships
• 18:47–20:07: Personal stories about narcissistic relationships
• 22:14–24:16: Is never having been married a sign to worry?

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Audience Engagement

• Tamsen urges listeners to reach out with questions and feedback via phone [phone]), voicemail, text, or email.
• Books are periodically given to reviewers as a thank-you—showing genuine appreciation for the vibrant community engaging with The Tamsen Show.

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Takeaways

Tamsen’s advice throughout is to protect your peace, stay honest with yourself and others, trust your body and intuition, and embrace the ongoing, nonlinear nature of healing and self-discovery. She frames online dating as a process requiring patience, courage, and clarity on your own priorities—and reassures listeners that there are no “right” timelines, only the ones authentic to you.

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Transcript

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[Tamsen]

Hey, ladies. Welcome back to the Tamsen Show. Okay, the last time we talked about relationships and dating and advice on, I don't know, anything, anything regarding relationships, you guys had so many incredible questions. I had such a great time with that episode. And then we were like, we have to do something else because we had a lot more questions and I really wanted to do something that was very, very close to home for me. So Johanna went through and pulled questions from you, all related to dating, divorce, or getting back out there after a hard breakup or just trying to. Just kind of trying to figure out dating during this time in life. So we pulled as many questions as we could and we're going to get through as many as we can. And she's going to shout them out, by the way, also as a way of saying thank you because a lot of you have been leaving incredible reviews. My team has been sending out books to some of the people. Like, we just pull a handful and send out a couple of books. My how to menopause book to you. Just as a way of saying thank you. So if you get a surprise book in the mail, it's from us. And leave reviews because I read every single one of them. We all do. And you might get surprised. Okay, let's get started.

[Johanna]

Let's start with Rebecca from Florida said, hi, Tamsen. My ex of six months is already in a new relationship and posting about her constantly. I know I should mute him, but I physically cannot stop looking. Please help me stop looking.

[Tamsen]

Six months.

[Johanna]

Six months. Yeah.

[Tamsen]

Okay. Well, first of all, I understand it and I think that it's interesting. When I went through my divorce, you know, I don't think that there was the same type of social media going on. I think it was just Facebook, actually, in order to age myself here. But I totally get it. It's so easy to go, okay, I don't really care, but I just want to know what's going on. And then as long as I know what's going on, it'll put my mind at ease or understand why this happened. You have got to go cold turkey on this and stop looking. The way I'm gonna help you is this. Every time you're gonna log out of the app or whichever one you're looking at, anytime you go to do that, find one other thing to do, and I don't care what it is. Go for a walk, call somebody, go do an exercise. I don't know, bake bread. Whatever it is you need to do to not do that, because it becomes a habit after a while. And you click on, and you click on, and you click on, and then you're looking and you're trying to analyze and. And that relationship has nothing to do with you anymore. And him doing that might not be about you at all. But I know it feels like he's probably speaking directly to you and being like, that's not what's happening. But I think that it was a short. It seems like a short period of time that you were together. So whatever went on there, if he's already moved on to somebody else quite so quickly, I don't think you want that kind of person in your life. But the most important thing to do is protect yourself in this. You've got to protect your mind, your mental space, your energy, your nervous system, all those things you need to protect. And going there and living in their relationship is not going to protect that. So please find one other thing to do and let me know how you're doing. Just leave a message. Let me know if that's helpful because we'd love to hear from you. And I get it. It can be really easy to do that. Just kind of get caught up and not realize what you're doing and how much time you're wasting not going and finding maybe somebody else who would really enjoy your time.

[Johanna]

Why do I kind of feel like he's doing it?

[Tamsen]

I don't know her. I don't. I don't know if he's. If somebody does those things. I mean, look, somebody. Obviously some people do those things on purpose, but don't let him Win. I know, but look, watching him. Watching him and stalking him and looking at him and seeing what they're doing is not. It's not helping anybody win by going and creating your own life outside of the relationship.

[Johanna]

Mic drop. And don't look at his Instagram story because he can see you.

[Tamsen]

Oh, that's right. He can see you on Instagram story. Uh. Oh. I mean, well, just don't do it at all.

[Johanna]

Don't do it at all.

[Tamsen]

It doesn't matter if he can see you or not. Just don't do it at all.

[Johanna]

Michelle from Texas Tamsen, I love you so much. My question today is, how do you know when you're actually healed versus just numb? I feel totally fine. And honestly, that scares me more than the crying ever did.

[Tamsen]

Well, Michelle, I feel like this. I get it. Like, I think we go through those stages of feeling like I'm fine. Nothing's bothering me at all to, oh, my gosh, am I really that way, or am I just kind of putting up this front? I think simply by the fact that you're kind of moving through life right now, even writing in a question like this, even questioning that is a really good sign, and I think it's okay. I don't think you have to be totally healed by anything. Look, I have gone through my share of breakups or disappointments or relationships that ended up. And I think I was fine for six months, and then all of a sudden, I'd see something or hear something, or some song came on, and I'd burst into tears, and I'm like, what happened to me? I was doing so well. So I don't think you have to be all healed. And, like, there we go. We're wrapping it up in a nice bow. I think it's important to know that you're human and you can take those moments to grieve a loss, even if that comes in six months, and go back to what you were doing. I hope that's helpful. I think it's really hard to know. I don't think there's, like, a. An end point to, you know, knowing that you're all better.

[Johanna]

No, it's like that Sex in the City thing where they're, like, half the amount of time that you dated them. Do you think that's real?

[Tamsen]

Half the amount of time? I don't know. I think we. I think we give ourselves these rules because it makes things easier. And so if that makes it easier, that's fine. So if you dated him for, like, two. Two years, is it going to take one year to get better? I don't think so. That's crazy.

[Johanna]

You're not going to let it take you longer. Oh, you're not going to let it.

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[Johanna]

Adriana asked. I've been on six first dates in the past two months. Every single one was fine and I felt absolutely nothing. Not even a flicker. Is this just what dating is now or Is something wrong with me?

[Tamsen]

Oh, my gosh. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Here's what I think. First of all, six dates in two months, I. I give it up to you for that, because I think that this way, you know, you're not going on one date for, you know, six times and then realizing that person is not for you. You're going on a date and going like, that's not it. I'm moving on. Here's what I would say. If you go on a date and you actually have a good time with that person or you have a great conversation or there's some type of connection, I wouldn't mind seeing you go on a second one. Meaning that just because there's not this flicker of excitement inside of you doesn't mean that there's not a possibility of their becoming something in the future, you know, or giving that person a chance. I think first dates are really awkward and weird. I think they get harder and harder. So just because you didn't feel some kind of, like, sexual desire or some emotional flicker, butterflies in your stomach, whatever you want to call it, doesn't mean there couldn't be some type of connection there. So I keep that in mind. 1. So if there was anybody in those six people, maybe you give one of those people a second chance. But, no, there's nothing wrong with you. Look, I think some people aren't. For some people, if. If it were that easy that everybody would go out on a date, one, two, three dates, find somebody, and that would be it. I think that maybe you want to start looking at what those people had in common and maybe what you're actually looking for and seeing if those match up.

[Johanna]

Okay. I also love this name. Wren.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Ren.

[Tamsen]

Ren.

[Johanna]

She says, I'm 55 and just got back on the dating apps. My question is, is it wrong to be talking to multiple people at the same time? It feels like cheating to me, but everyone my daughter's age says that's just how it works. Now, am I being too old fashioned?

[Tamsen]

Ren, I love this question. Okay, Ren, you are not cheating by talking to multiple people at the same time. And in fact, if you weren't and you were just talking to one person, I would be saying, ren, you need to be talking to multiple people at the same time. I know that dating is different. It's been different over the years. I don't know when the last time you were out there dating or if you've ever been on the apps or ever been, you know, meeting somebody Outside of just being introduced to them. But. And I always hate to say this, but I'm going to say it. It's kind of a numbers game, too. You know, you've got to meet a lot of different people, so I don't think there's anything wrong with you talking to a lot of different people. I do think two things. There's something wrong with you staying online, just talking to them and not moving that into real life. I worry about that. So I would limit the amount of time that you're texting and talking to people and make sure you get out on a date or get out for coffee or for a drink or for something safely. Always. And then two, I would be saying to you, if you wrote in and said, hey, Tamsen, I'm sleeping with multiple people I'm meeting on the dating side, I would say, like, ren, maybe you shouldn't be doing that. And I would be saying that only because I don't know if that's going to help you find somebody that you really want to have a relationship with, if that's your goal. I'm really happy about the fact that you're talking to a lot of people, and I think it's going to make you feel more comfortable and maybe help you determine what you're looking for in a partner, if that is what you're looking for. A partner.

[Johanna]

What do you think is, like, the minimum and the maximum time, no amount of people that she should be talking to online? Yeah. I think it's unlimited.

[Tamsen]

Huh?

[Johanna]

Is it unlimited?

[Tamsen]

I think it's unlimited.

[Johanna]

The limit does not exist.

[Tamsen]

Well, I mean, look, if you're spending six hours a day online chatting with people, then, you know, maybe that's not the best idea. But I think you give yourself. Listen, I used to think that it was kind of like a job, for goodness sake. Like. Like, you really have to focus on it. Right? It's like, it's a thing you have to do. Not really a job, so don't quote me on that. But I think that it's like you have to put your time in there. You have to pay attention. You have to decide what you're looking for. You have to make sure you're safe when you go out there. You have to make that, you know, somebody's not playing you. There's a lot of different things. I had a really good friend who I felt like she was like a pro at the dating sites, but she really understood that. She got on there. She was very honest about who she was. She cut through all the bullshit. She didn't listen to people that were like, lie about your age. You know, just find them and then you can change it when you get out there. Like, that's all ridiculous.

[Johanna]

That's so old school, too.

[Tamsen]

It's ridiculous. And so I, you know, she was very honest with what she wanted. She didn't want to play games. She wasn't looking for children. She already had kids. She was looking for somebody to travel with and be a partner in her life. And she found them.

[Johanna]

And it.

[Tamsen]

It didn't happen right away, but it eventually happened, and she found that type of person she was really looking for, which was great.

[Johanna]

I love this question. Simone said, Tamsin, I know you've spoken about narcissists before. How do you spot one before you've already fallen for them? I was married to a narcissist for 14 years, and I didn't see it until I was completely lost. And I'm terrified of doing that again.

[Tamsen]

Narcissism is something we've talked about quite a bit on this show, actually. I'll make sure that the team links in the notes because I think that it's very complex and I don't know that I could give you that expert answer in this. Here's what I will say, though. If you were already with somebody that was a narcissist, and I was as well, and I didn't even know the word then. I just knew this. My nervous system was heightened constantly. Every time he texted me, I jumped. Every time I said something, he said the opposite. Every time I felt like I was doing something, it felt like it was for his approval. And every time I felt like I had his approval, he pulled the rug out from under me. All those things, and they're not limited to, are those type of traits you're looking for. And I think that if you are being honest with yourself and you're dating somebody for even, you know, a few months, you're gonna start to see some of those. So when you see some of those little things and you're like, oh, that didn't sit right. But I'll just brush that aside and give it an excuse and give it another excuse. If you find yourself doing that, that's a problem. That's an issue. That is noting that situation. And hopefully you're not falling for him because you're seeing those little signs. I think that if I look back on my relationship, I saw all those signs and I turned those red flags into pretty pink flags, and I moved on because I wanted What I wanted. In retrospect, I would never do that again. I remember what they were very clearly. I look for them. I looked for them when I went out there. Dating. I think you've got to really listen. Like your body, you can feel that in your body. I didn't even know what the nervous system meant. And now I really do. Like, if I get a phone call from somebody that is not quite sitting right with me, I can feel it all in my body. And if you're feeling something like that, please don't ignore it.

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[Tamsen]

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[Johanna]

So what it was crazy to learn from Dr. Ramany was that the most confident women are like, they go. Narcissists go after the most confident women. Which is just so surprising that even, like knowing you now that you dated a narcissist. Like, I could not picture it at

[Tamsen]

2, 2, 2, because I didn't even

[Johanna]

know what, maybe even more. Who knows?

[Tamsen]

Maybe more. No, but those two people, and one was my, you know, ex, and one was somebody I dated right after had the same thing. Like, I was always performing for them, I was always dancing for them. I was always like on point and they would do things. And this is something else I want to say. I was never enough in their eyes. Like, I'll never forget this. Like the, the one guy that I was kind of like my Mr. Big. I always called him Mr. Big because he was like, never me. But I still chased it. And I remember I said to him, yeah, I'm moving to New York and I'm going to be working at wcbs. And I'm so excited. And he's like, yeah, but it's not like it's CNN in the national. And I never forgot that. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm not on the national news now. What? But so that's that narcissist behavior. It's like you're always committed to. And he didn't commit to you. Right. He never committed to. Never committed to me, but always made me feel less than. And if, like, if I get to the next hurdle, then maybe then he will. And then if I get to the next hurdle, maybe then he will. And so if you're talking about things to look out for, those are things to look out for. And don't tell yourself that it's just a little thing. And it's just he'll outgrow it or it's not. It's you, not him. Because it's not. Trust me.

[Johanna]

Also, I'm going to plug the phone number now so people know and we can put it in the show notes. But our phone number is 917-382-4277. And you can call, leave a voicemail or text us or email.

[Tamsen]

Old school phone. We have a. We have. Where's the phone?

[Johanna]

It's behind you.

[Tamsen]

There's the phone.

[Johanna]

That's the exact phone that rings when you call.

[Tamsen]

That rings if you call. No, seriously, we really want. Here's a couple of things. We want to make sure that the guests on the show are the people that you want to hear from. We want to make sure that every time you listen to this show that you are walking away more empowered in part of your life. Right. Whatever it is, whether it's career, whether it's relationships, like this conversation. So we'd really, it means a lot. Like the whole team jumps in. We sit down every Monday, we go through calls, we go through messages. We started doing something fun. So a couple of you have, quite a few of you actually have had outreach from us. My book, how to menopause, also back there by the phone that rings. It's almost a year old. Well, it will be a year old when this airs, right?

[Johanna]

Yeah, it's going to be one year

[Tamsen]

old for our one year baby book, baby birthday. We have been giving away books, sending out books. Of course, we contact you first to people who leave reviews. So not everybody. We're going to try to do as many as we can, but we pull names randomly. We reach out. If you guys get back to us, we get an address and send a book. So I don't know how many, how

[Shopify/MIDI Health/Sculpt Society Advertiser]

many have we done now?

[Johanna]

We've done over 25 already.

[Tamsen]

Sid has been sending them out. We're pulling names. So anyway, we just want to say thank you somehow. And sometimes just saying thank you and over and over didn't, you know, feel like enough. So we really appreciate it and we want to keep hearing from you no matter what. No matter what you think, let us know. I mean, I'd rather you.

[Johanna]

Well, I do maybe give, you know, I picked the nice, nicer messages to send.

[Tamsen]

To send. Okay.

[Johanna]

Fair. I mean, we love feedback. We love the feedback.

[Tamsen]

We do love feedback. Okay. We'd love to have you all come in here. All right.

[Johanna]

I know. I wish we had more room.

[Tamsen]

I wish you did, too.

[Johanna]

Okay. So Claudia said that she's 52, but the man that she is falling for, has never been married, and he's 56 years old. Everyone around me is saying that it's a red flag, but he's the most emotionally available man I've ever dated. Am I ignoring something I shouldn't be?

[Tamsen]

You know what? Sometimes when I answer these things, they come from personal experience. So I try to back up and not do that.

[Johanna]

No, but we want your personal experience.

[Tamsen]

No, I know, but I just. I don't want to be like, oh, that guy's like every other guy. So somebody at that age that has not ever been married before is one thing. I guess what I would say is, has he been committed before and is he willing to be committed now? And does he want a commitment or is it like, well, we'll just see. We'll just see where it goes. We'll see where it leads us. We'll, you know, la dee dah. I think I would just be aware of that. I'm not really worried about what everybody else says. However, I do think people close to you can see things that we can't see. But I was with somebody who had

[Shopify/MIDI Health/Sculpt Society Advertiser]

never been married before, and I said

[Tamsen]

to myself, oh, my gosh, he just hasn't met the right person yet. And the truth is, is to this day, he is now, I don't know, in his 60s, and he's never been married before, so he's probably never going to get married. And I did spend a lot of time in my 30s lying to myself. So I guess I would say this. I would say I would have a real conversation, not be afraid of the conversation, not be afraid to ask where it stands, not beat around the bush and be afraid if you ask him a question that, you know he's going to run away and it's going to be your fault. Because somebody that wants to be there is not going to run away, and it's not going to be your fault if, you know, if you ask them a question. And so I think, keep that in mind. I think we sometimes skirt around things because we're afraid of the end result. And to me, the end result is going to happen whether you skirt around it or not.

[Johanna]

I mean, it just reminds me of, like, the George Clooney thing. Like, I feel like Amal gave us, like, remember George?

[Tamsen]

She gave us hope.

[Johanna]

She gave us hope.

[Tamsen]

She mall did give us hope. I mean, it is a mall.

[Johanna]

It is George Clooney. I mean, he would have been stupid

[Tamsen]

if there would have been something wrong with him if he didn't marry her. And she's Lebanese, so just.

[Johanna]

Yeah.

[Tamsen]

All right. We have another. We have something else to tape. So we have to bring this episode to a close.

[Johanna]

Yeah, we do.

[Tamsen]

So. All right. I really enjoy this. If you have questions, leave them. You want to tell the telephone again real fast?

[Johanna]

917-382-4277 or podcastamsenfidell.com okay, we'll talk to you next episode.