Podcast Summary: The Tamsen Show

Episode: Relationship Q&A: Red Flags, Dating After Divorce & Commitment Issues
Host: Tamsen Fadal
Date: March 16, 2026

Overview

In this special Q&A episode, Emmy-winning journalist Tamsen Fadal responds candidly and off the cuff to listener questions covering dating, divorce, red flags, social media, moving in together, therapy gaps in relationships, perimenopause, and more. Drawing from her own experiences as a matchmaker, author, and a woman who remarried at 50, Tamsen dishes practical girlfriend-to-girlfriend advice for anyone navigating relationships and midlife changes. Producer Johanna poses the questions, adding her own humor and perspective throughout.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Boundaries & "Third Wheels" in Relationships

[03:29 – 05:31]

• Question: Navigating an overly involved sibling (specifically, a man's sister acting territorial).
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • These dynamics don’t usually resolve themselves; they amplify over time.
  • Bringing in a third-party professional (therapist or relationship counselor) is crucial to mediate, so that you’re not blamed for causing a rift.
  • "If you have somebody in his ear all the time, you're actually not just dating him, you're dating two people, him and his sister. And that's not gonna ever work." (Tamsen, 04:36)
  • The closer you get, the more intense the sibling’s reactions may get.

2. Ending a Marriage When Threats Are Used as Leverage

[05:34 – 08:10]

• Question: Coping after leaving a spouse who repeatedly threatened divorce but always took it back, resulting in cycles of fear and guilt.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Congratulates the listener’s bravery and stresses how “living under threats or veiled threats is not a way to live.”
  • Shares her personal history of staying too long in both a marriage and a relationship with narcissistic tendencies.
  • Encourages therapy to calm the nervous system and find oneself again.
  • "It doesn't allow you to be who you are. It's not fair to you. It's cruel in so many ways." (Tamsen, 06:46)
  • Guilt is normal post-divorce, especially for women who are often socialized to “fix” relationships. (07:29 – 09:17)

3. Dating After Divorce & Perimenopause – Confidence and First Dates

[09:24 – 09:57]

• Question: Returning to the dating scene after a long time, dealing with body changes and nerves.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Coffee and a walk is perfectly appropriate—keep it simple and low-pressure.
  • Safety always comes first.
  • Release the need for perfection; you don’t have to impress, just be yourself.
  • Wear what feels comfortable. Don’t set up an “image” you have to maintain.
  • "Stop worrying about, like, doing everything perfect... Because they're probably feeling the same way." (Tamsen, 10:27)

4. When a Partner Becomes Too Dependent Socially

[14:15 – 15:02]

• Question: Boyfriend, post-friendship fallout, becomes clingy and overly reliant on the relationship.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Smothering, even without overt control, can be its own form of control.
  • It’s not your responsibility to “get him” friends.
  • Suggests honest conversation and setting texting boundaries.
  • "You want a partner, not a... you don't want him to be your child." (Tamsen, 15:20)
  • If he’s unwilling to change, it could become a dealbreaker.

5. Social Media & Insecurity in Relationships

[16:51 – 18:56]

• Question: Boyfriend follows and likes lots of attractive women on Instagram; says "it's meaningless," but girlfriend feels inadequate.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • If a partner's behavior makes you feel “not enough,” don’t ignore those feelings—they likely won’t resolve with time.
  • Open communication is vital; if dismissiveness remains after you express discomfort, reconsider the relationship’s future.
  • “If it's making you feel like you're not enough... then I wonder what it's gonna feel like in three more years, or when you're my age and you're going through menopause.” (Tamsen, 17:58)
  • Importance of not making your self-worth dependent on someone else's online validation habits.

6. Do I Have to Use Dating Apps?

[19:01 – 23:36]

• Question: After divorce, can people still meet in real life or are apps essential?
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Real-life connections still happen, but patience is needed.
  • Apps are a tool, not a necessity—don’t make them a full-time job and research which ones (if any) feel safe.
  • Suggests joining interest-based groups, hobby classes, or community events as alternative ways to meet people.
  • "There are real people out there in the real world and you're gonna have to get out anyway eventually." (Tamsen, 23:13)

7. Commitment Issues – Moving In “Soon... But Not Yet”

[25:30 – 26:28]

• Question: Boyfriend repeatedly delays talks/acts about moving in together.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Words matter; repeated stalling is a red flag, unless there’s a valid reason (work, finances).
  • Determine if you want to be the one always pushing the relationship forward—if so, you may be for a long time.
  • "If you're pushing the relationship forward now, you're going to be pushing it forward for a very long time. And that's not fun." (Tamsen, 26:20)

8. Therapy Divides – Only One Person Is Doing the Work

[26:28 – 28:03]

• Question: Listener is in therapy, boyfriend is dismissive; is a relationship viable if only one partner works on self-growth?
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Flat out: "No." Relationships need shared effort.
  • Being supportive of each other's growth is minimum mutual respect.
  • Don’t issue ultimatums, but do open a real conversation—if he’s not willing to engage, consider if “good enough is enough.”
  • "A relationship with only one person putting in the work... that's not a relationship. That's a relationship with you." (Tamsen, 26:49)

9. Men Dismissing Perimenopause & Menopause Symptoms

[28:03 – 30:01]

• Question: Husband jokes whenever perimenopause symptoms come up; how to be taken seriously?
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Mocking menopause is unacceptable; guide him toward understanding using books, podcasts (including Tamsen’s men's guide episode), or open discussion.
  • "You are having real symptoms and maybe possibly suffering in some of those. And there are enough men out there who have come, turned a corner, to really help." (Tamsen, 29:07)

10. Grieving “Amicable” Divorces

[30:01 – 32:01]

• Question: How to process a “good divorce” where things fizzled out, with no clear cause or drama.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Grieving the loss of friendship is valid; you lost a companion, not just a spouse.
  • Don’t minimize your own grief just because it “looked mature” from the outside.
  • Time-blocking for feeling your emotions, alone time, and rebuilding your identity is crucial.
  • “You do have to acknowledge the end of that... and without that romantic relationship, you probably became really good friends. So it's the end of a friendship.” (Tamsen, 30:40)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On dating a man with boundary-blurring relatives:
  "If you have somebody in his ear all the time, you're actually not just dating him, you're dating two people, him and his sister. And that's not gonna ever work." (04:36)

• On post-divorce guilt:
  "I think it's very common to feel like that whether or not, you know, the marriage, you know, is. Does not have any chance, because we want to do right and be good and be good girls." (08:33)

• On supporting each other's mental health journeys:
  "A relationship with only one person putting in the work... that's not a relationship. That's a relationship with you." (26:49)

• On the importance of mutual effort in relationships:
  "If you're pushing the relationship forward now, you're going to be pushing it forward for a very long time. And that's not fun." (26:20)

• On tackling menopause dismissals:
  "But I do fault them for mocking it... This is not like quirky, funny, ha ha symptoms. This is something I'm really, really going through and I need your help with that." (29:13)

Important Timestamps

• Family Boundaries/Third Wheels Advice – 03:29 to 05:31
• Leaving Threat-Heavy Marriages – 05:34 to 08:10
• Divorce Guilt Insights – 08:10 to 09:17
• First Date After Divorce/Perimenopause – 09:24 to 09:57
• Overdependent Partners – 14:15 to 15:02
• Social Media & Relationship Insecurity – 16:51 to 18:56
• Navigating Dating Apps & IRL Meetings – 19:01 to 23:36
• Commitment Hesitations (Moving In) – 25:30 to 26:28
• Unequal Emotional Work in Relationships – 26:28 to 28:03
• Menopause Dismissals by Partners – 28:03 to 30:01
• Grieving Non-Dramatic Divorces & Time-Blocking – 30:01 to 32:01

Tone & Final Thoughts

True to Tamsen's down-to-earth, no-nonsense tone, the episode is filled with empathy, honesty, and tough love. She offers practical tips rooted in personal experience, always encouraging listeners to trust their intuition, advocate for themselves, and value mutual respect in relationships. The message throughout is clear: You’re never alone in what you’re experiencing, and you absolutely deserve healthy boundaries, supportive partners, and the space to rediscover yourself—at any age or life stage.

For questions, stories, or follow-ups, use the Tamsen Show hotline: 917-38-22-4277 (33:41).