Relationship Q&A: Red Flags, Dating After Divorce & Commitment Issues

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Tamsen Show

Episode: Relationship Q&A: Red Flags, Dating After Divorce & Commitment Issues
Host: Tamsen Fadal
Date: March 16, 2026

Overview

In this special Q&A episode, Emmy-winning journalist Tamsen Fadal responds candidly and off the cuff to listener questions covering dating, divorce, red flags, social media, moving in together, therapy gaps in relationships, perimenopause, and more. Drawing from her own experiences as a matchmaker, author, and a woman who remarried at 50, Tamsen dishes practical girlfriend-to-girlfriend advice for anyone navigating relationships and midlife changes. Producer Johanna poses the questions, adding her own humor and perspective throughout.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Boundaries & "Third Wheels" in Relationships

[03:29 – 05:31]

• Question: Navigating an overly involved sibling (specifically, a man's sister acting territorial).
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • These dynamics don’t usually resolve themselves; they amplify over time.
  • Bringing in a third-party professional (therapist or relationship counselor) is crucial to mediate, so that you’re not blamed for causing a rift.
  • "If you have somebody in his ear all the time, you're actually not just dating him, you're dating two people, him and his sister. And that's not gonna ever work." (Tamsen, 04:36)
  • The closer you get, the more intense the sibling’s reactions may get.

2. Ending a Marriage When Threats Are Used as Leverage

[05:34 – 08:10]

• Question: Coping after leaving a spouse who repeatedly threatened divorce but always took it back, resulting in cycles of fear and guilt.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Congratulates the listener’s bravery and stresses how “living under threats or veiled threats is not a way to live.”
  • Shares her personal history of staying too long in both a marriage and a relationship with narcissistic tendencies.
  • Encourages therapy to calm the nervous system and find oneself again.
  • "It doesn't allow you to be who you are. It's not fair to you. It's cruel in so many ways." (Tamsen, 06:46)
  • Guilt is normal post-divorce, especially for women who are often socialized to “fix” relationships. (07:29 – 09:17)

3. Dating After Divorce & Perimenopause – Confidence and First Dates

[09:24 – 09:57]

• Question: Returning to the dating scene after a long time, dealing with body changes and nerves.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Coffee and a walk is perfectly appropriate—keep it simple and low-pressure.
  • Safety always comes first.
  • Release the need for perfection; you don’t have to impress, just be yourself.
  • Wear what feels comfortable. Don’t set up an “image” you have to maintain.
  • "Stop worrying about, like, doing everything perfect... Because they're probably feeling the same way." (Tamsen, 10:27)

4. When a Partner Becomes Too Dependent Socially

[14:15 – 15:02]

• Question: Boyfriend, post-friendship fallout, becomes clingy and overly reliant on the relationship.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Smothering, even without overt control, can be its own form of control.
  • It’s not your responsibility to “get him” friends.
  • Suggests honest conversation and setting texting boundaries.
  • "You want a partner, not a... you don't want him to be your child." (Tamsen, 15:20)
  • If he’s unwilling to change, it could become a dealbreaker.

5. Social Media & Insecurity in Relationships

[16:51 – 18:56]

• Question: Boyfriend follows and likes lots of attractive women on Instagram; says "it's meaningless," but girlfriend feels inadequate.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • If a partner's behavior makes you feel “not enough,” don’t ignore those feelings—they likely won’t resolve with time.
  • Open communication is vital; if dismissiveness remains after you express discomfort, reconsider the relationship’s future.
  • “If it's making you feel like you're not enough... then I wonder what it's gonna feel like in three more years, or when you're my age and you're going through menopause.” (Tamsen, 17:58)
  • Importance of not making your self-worth dependent on someone else's online validation habits.

6. Do I Have to Use Dating Apps?

[19:01 – 23:36]

• Question: After divorce, can people still meet in real life or are apps essential?
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Real-life connections still happen, but patience is needed.
  • Apps are a tool, not a necessity—don’t make them a full-time job and research which ones (if any) feel safe.
  • Suggests joining interest-based groups, hobby classes, or community events as alternative ways to meet people.
  • "There are real people out there in the real world and you're gonna have to get out anyway eventually." (Tamsen, 23:13)

7. Commitment Issues – Moving In “Soon... But Not Yet”

[25:30 – 26:28]

• Question: Boyfriend repeatedly delays talks/acts about moving in together.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Words matter; repeated stalling is a red flag, unless there’s a valid reason (work, finances).
  • Determine if you want to be the one always pushing the relationship forward—if so, you may be for a long time.
  • "If you're pushing the relationship forward now, you're going to be pushing it forward for a very long time. And that's not fun." (Tamsen, 26:20)

8. Therapy Divides – Only One Person Is Doing the Work

[26:28 – 28:03]

• Question: Listener is in therapy, boyfriend is dismissive; is a relationship viable if only one partner works on self-growth?
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Flat out: "No." Relationships need shared effort.
  • Being supportive of each other's growth is minimum mutual respect.
  • Don’t issue ultimatums, but do open a real conversation—if he’s not willing to engage, consider if “good enough is enough.”
  • "A relationship with only one person putting in the work... that's not a relationship. That's a relationship with you." (Tamsen, 26:49)

9. Men Dismissing Perimenopause & Menopause Symptoms

[28:03 – 30:01]

• Question: Husband jokes whenever perimenopause symptoms come up; how to be taken seriously?
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Mocking menopause is unacceptable; guide him toward understanding using books, podcasts (including Tamsen’s men's guide episode), or open discussion.
  • "You are having real symptoms and maybe possibly suffering in some of those. And there are enough men out there who have come, turned a corner, to really help." (Tamsen, 29:07)

10. Grieving “Amicable” Divorces

[30:01 – 32:01]

• Question: How to process a “good divorce” where things fizzled out, with no clear cause or drama.
• Tamsen’s Advice:
  • Grieving the loss of friendship is valid; you lost a companion, not just a spouse.
  • Don’t minimize your own grief just because it “looked mature” from the outside.
  • Time-blocking for feeling your emotions, alone time, and rebuilding your identity is crucial.
  • “You do have to acknowledge the end of that... and without that romantic relationship, you probably became really good friends. So it's the end of a friendship.” (Tamsen, 30:40)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On dating a man with boundary-blurring relatives:
  "If you have somebody in his ear all the time, you're actually not just dating him, you're dating two people, him and his sister. And that's not gonna ever work." (04:36)

• On post-divorce guilt:
  "I think it's very common to feel like that whether or not, you know, the marriage, you know, is. Does not have any chance, because we want to do right and be good and be good girls." (08:33)

• On supporting each other's mental health journeys:
  "A relationship with only one person putting in the work... that's not a relationship. That's a relationship with you." (26:49)

• On the importance of mutual effort in relationships:
  "If you're pushing the relationship forward now, you're going to be pushing it forward for a very long time. And that's not fun." (26:20)

• On tackling menopause dismissals:
  "But I do fault them for mocking it... This is not like quirky, funny, ha ha symptoms. This is something I'm really, really going through and I need your help with that." (29:13)

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Important Timestamps

• Family Boundaries/Third Wheels Advice – 03:29 to 05:31
• Leaving Threat-Heavy Marriages – 05:34 to 08:10
• Divorce Guilt Insights – 08:10 to 09:17
• First Date After Divorce/Perimenopause – 09:24 to 09:57
• Overdependent Partners – 14:15 to 15:02
• Social Media & Relationship Insecurity – 16:51 to 18:56
• Navigating Dating Apps & IRL Meetings – 19:01 to 23:36
• Commitment Hesitations (Moving In) – 25:30 to 26:28
• Unequal Emotional Work in Relationships – 26:28 to 28:03
• Menopause Dismissals by Partners – 28:03 to 30:01
• Grieving Non-Dramatic Divorces & Time-Blocking – 30:01 to 32:01

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Tone & Final Thoughts

True to Tamsen's down-to-earth, no-nonsense tone, the episode is filled with empathy, honesty, and tough love. She offers practical tips rooted in personal experience, always encouraging listeners to trust their intuition, advocate for themselves, and value mutual respect in relationships. The message throughout is clear: You’re never alone in what you’re experiencing, and you absolutely deserve healthy boundaries, supportive partners, and the space to rediscover yourself—at any age or life stage.

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For questions, stories, or follow-ups, use the Tamsen Show hotline: [phone] (33:41).

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to the Tamsen Show. I'm glad you're here. We are doing things a little bit differently today, so I want to see how it goes and I would like your input on this. But you guys have sent so many questions over either email or direct message, or you've called into our hotline and sent me some incredible, I don't know, questions, thoughts, statements about different topics that you want to cover. So many of you have met Johanna, A lot of you haven't. She is the producer of the Tamsen show and she has been going through all the questions and you're gonna hear her voice asking the questions that you all have sent in because I'd like to answer them unfiltered. I don't wanna sit and think about it too long. I wanna, off the cuff, give you my thoughts to what you're asking and then we can go back and analyze stuff if we wanna go any deeper. But I think it's real important that we have these conversations and sometimes I don't get the time to do that. And we're doing a lot of interviews, but I wanted to take a beat and do things a little bit differently, see how you guys like it and see if you have any additional questions or have any suggestions on how to do things differently. Today's podcast is sponsored by Midi Health. So many women tell me the same thing. They finally speak up about brain fog, exhaustion or anxiety and they're brushed off or told it's just stress or age. That kind of dismissal makes you question your own body. MIDI changes that by offering expert insurance covered virtual care that actually understands midlife and treats women like they matter. Ready to feel your best and write your second act script? Visit joinmitty.comtamsen today to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit. That's joinmitty.com Tamsen Mitty the care women deserve. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. You know, we talk a lot about midlife, menopause, perimenopause, health, wellness. But these questions in particular that we've pulled are dating, relationship, divorce, starting over again when you're out there dating. And I want to tell you a little bit if you don't know all of my background. So years ago in New York City, like a lot of years ago. I had a matchmaking business business in the city and gave a lot of dating advice. And my first three books that I wrote were about that. They were about dating, it was about starting over, it was about what to do after a divorce. And so I talk about relationships often, have researched it, studied it, had conversations with all sorts of experts about it, and, and then dealt with it myself. I went through my own divorce. I got remarried at the age of 50. I was on the dating scene longer than I ever want to admit. And so I, I do think that we have to have these conversations, girlfriend to girlfriend, about what you're going through and maybe what's confusing to you right now, or maybe you haven't been out there dating for 20 years and you've gone through a breakup or divorce and you want to know how to get back out there. So we're going to cover all of it. And one little thing. I have not heard any of these questions yet or seen them, so Johanna's going to surprise me. So I am a tad nervous about what's going to come at me. So if I don't think I can answer it, I'm just going to say skip. But hopefully we'll be able to get through all of them. Okay, what do we have?

[B]

First, I love your podcast. Please keep me Anonymous. I'm 38 and dating a man who's very close with his sister. Totally fine in theory, but the boundaries are odd. She inserts herself into things, comments on our relationship and gets defensive about him in a way that feels territorial. Is this something couples can actually work through or does it usually stay the same?

[A]

First of all, I love this question because I love the fact that you're looking. I don't know how far you are into the relationship, but I love the fact that you're looking. So obviously this is somebody you perhaps want to go further with or have a longer term relationship with. Look, here's what it is. If you're not dealing with this head on right now and you think that eventually if you, you know, get engaged or get married or you're in the relationship longer, it's going to change. That's not how it's going to change. Two things, if he's willing to acknowledge it and change without you forcing him to acknowledge it and change, I think those are, that's key off the bat. I also think that you're going to have to bring a third party in there in some way to help him deal with it so he feels Comfortable and it doesn't mess up their relationship. Because the last thing you want to do or that I would ever want to do is be blamed for causing a rift between your boyfriend and a family member, whether it's a sister, a brother, a mom, whatever it is. But if you have somebody in his ear all the time, you're actually not just dating him, you're dating two people, him and his sister. And that's not gonna ever work. So I think I would talk to somebody that is an expert on a topic like this, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a relationship counselor. But you've gotta have that third person in there, because that is a conversation and a situation that will get more and more intense and uncomfortable the closer you are to him. So I see it. The closer you are to him, the more maybe out of control the sister may feel. Or she might not even realize that she's doing that. You might just be in her defense, her feeling like she's protecting her brother and trying to make sure he doesn't get hurt, and I'm not realizing where she's interfering.

[B]

That was really good. Okay.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

Hi, Tamsen. First of all, I want to say your advice videos give me life last month.

[A]

Oh, that's so nice.

[B]

I know. Last month I finally ended my marriage after years of my husband threatening divorce. Whenever we argued, he'd always take it back a few days later and say he didn't mean it. But it became this cycle where he used it to scare me into backing down. The last time he said it, he walked out for two days. When he came back, he acted like nothing happened and wanted to talk it through. That was the moment I realized I was done. I feel so much relief, but also an insane amount of guilt, like maybe I should have given him another chance. What do you think?

[A]

Ah, wow. Well, first of all, I want to congratulate you on being so brave, because it's never easy to walk away from a relationship. I don't care, you know, whether or not, you know, it's the right thing. I was in a relationship with my ex husband, and I knew before we even got married I shouldn't be in that relationship. I got married, walked down the aisle, asked people if I was doing the right thing, and ended up four years later divorced. So it's not easy. And I know it's not easy because I wasn't brave enough to do it before I got married the first time. Here's what I will say. Living under threats or veiled threats is not a way to live. It doesn't allow you to be who you are. It's not fair to you. It's cruel in so many ways. And just you asking if there was more that you could do lets me know that you were in the relationship with somebody who was not able to grow and has his own issues to work out. We've talked a lot about narcissism on this show and it was something that I was not very aware of. So after I got out of my relationship, I got into a relationship with somebody who really was a narcissist for a long time. And I lived under that threat constantly. Every time there was a fight, he'd back off and kind of threaten to leave or do a veiled threat to leave or actually leave. And it made my stomach and my whole nervous system was just a mess all the time. And it left me in a state of fear of not walking this perfect, straight, narrow line because I was scared if I didn't I would upset him and it would be my fault if he left. So I just wanna say again how brave you are for doing that, how strong you are for doing that. And, and I hope that you can find a way not to look back because I think that you need to look forward and I think you're going to feel so different. Whether it's six months or a year from now. I think your whole nervous system is going to settle. I'm a big proponent of therapy. I think it's really important to get to know who you are again without feeling that threat hanging over your head constantly. And I hope, I hope you get back in touch because I would love to hear where you are, you know, in the next few months and how you're doing.

[B]

Do you think it's a common thing for women to feel like they might regret it or have some sort of guilt around divorce? Is that really common?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I think it is so common for women to feel guilt around divorce, even if it is no way their fault or even if it's a 50 50. And I think it's because of this. I think, and I'll speak for myself, even though the relationship was in a place where it was not tenable to go forward, I kept thinking like, could I have done more? Was there something else I could have done to fix it? And I think that's how we're ingrained. We, we have been ingrained in this society in so many ways. It's not all and only women, but a majority of women that we Feel like we're the fixers and that if we can just do this right, you know, we can make it work and make it look better than it is or was. And. And it's why I talk about it. I think so much is because I think that it's very common to feel like that whether or not, you know, the marriage, you know, is. Does not have any chance, because we want to do right and be good and be good girls. And I hope we're starting to break out of that by talking about it more and having more conversations about it.

[B]

Yeah, that's great. Okay, let's go to the next one

[A]

and seeing examples of people that can guide you in the right direction.

[B]

Like you. Hi, Tamsen. I'm 52, and I'm going on my first date in a very long time. It's with someone I've known through work for years, and we recently reconnected in a different way. I used to be so confident, but I feel rusty and weirdly anxious. I've put on a lot of weight in perimenopause, so that probably has a lot to do with it. But I'm curious. Is coffee and a walk too casual for a first date at this age? Any tips for easing back into dating when it's been a long time? What should I wear? Sorry for all the questions, but it's been a minute.

[A]

I love this question. First of all, congratulations. No coffee and a walk is not too casual. I think more than anything, you have to think of a couple of things. One, what's the worst thing that could happen? What's the worst thing on this date, if you're not feeling comfortable, that's gonna happen. He's not gonna be interested. Or the walk is gonna end early, or you're not gonna want a second cup of coffee. Like, that's the worst. You know, safety first with everything. On any date, if you're going back into things, I have to put that out first and foremost. Second, I understand. I understand that. I understand not feeling that confidence, especially hitting perimenopause, where you kind of just feel like everything has shifted. Cause I certainly did when I got back out there. I would. Give yourself a little bit of, like, give yourself a break of what's going on. You're brave and bold enough to get back out there. You know this person already, so you're not meeting a complete stranger and stop worrying about, like, doing everything perfect. To have to, like, look perfect, act perfect, smell perfect. Well, maybe smell as you know, but do all those perfect things to impress that other person because they're probably feeling the same way and with what to wear. I mean, if you're going to go out, work out, I'd put on like a cute little jacket if it's cold. I don't know where you, where you're living, but you know, put on a little workout outfit and go do your thing. I wouldn't feel like you have to overly impress somebody because you don't want to have to keep that up all the time. Like I remember I used to go out on dates and I would go in between work so I'd be in full makeup. It was like a costume almost. And then if it would become another time where I wasn't coming from work, I feel like, oh my gosh, I have to live up to that image that they, that they think I gave them the first time around. So I hope that's helpful and I hope you send us a picture and I hope you have a second date if you want one. People keep asking about my 2026 resolutions. Well, sure, I've got the usual goals. Read more Hit the gym. But this year there's a new one at the top of my list. Get comfy. Yeah, I'm trying to slow my mornings down just a little bit. Coffee before chaos, no rushing straight into the day. And honestly, what I'm wearing makes more of a difference than I expected. That's where Bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all my everyday go tos. The all new Bombas sports socks are engineered with sports soc sport specific comfort for running, golf, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, you name it. And I've been walking a lot more. Nothing intense, just moving my body every day. These socks are cushioned exactly where I need them. Sweat, wicking and actually stay in place. Comfortable but supportive. And for those everyday moments around the house, Bombas also has you covered with the comfiest footwear imaginable. I've been living in the Sherpa Sunday slippers. They genuinely feel like walking on clouds. Perfect for slow mornings, quick coffee refills and pretending I'm not trying to open my inbox. Underneath it all the softest base layers that will have you rethinking your wardrobe. Bombas underwear and T shirts are flexible, breathable and buttery smooth. I love this part. For every item you purchase, an essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. One purchased, one donated. With over 150 million donations and counting, head over to bombas.comtamsen and use code TAMSEN for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O-M-B-A-S.comtamsen code TAMSEN at checkout Checkout it's time to take care of you. Who better to help you do that than the top voices in well being On Audible, you can level up your parenting, career, finances, sleep, relationships or mindset. The Audible well Being collection has everything to inspire and support you every step of the way. Hear the latest from best selling authors Brene Brown and Jay Shetty, Master Nutrition with chef Jamie Oliver, hear nature sleep sounds from the sleeping world or get on top of your finances with Rachel Rogers. Plus, you'll find all the best parenting guides like raising good humans. With this at your fingertips, you can imagine more for yourself and your family. I love listening to Audible on my morning walks every single day. It's my time for me. Right now I'm listening to Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart. Kickstart your well being journey with your first audiobook. Free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com Tamsen membership is $14.95 a month. After 30 days, cancel anytime. Listening to the top voices and well being sounds like self care to us. Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen.

[B]

Hi Tamsen, thank you for everything you do. I feel like you're my big sister. I'm 30.

[A]

I don't have a little sister, so I. Well, except you. But I like.

[B]

I'm just kidding. I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 33. Over the last year, he's slowly become completely dependent on me for social interaction. He used to have a solid friend group, but they had a falling out. He just sort of attached himself to me afterwards. He texts constantly, wants constant reassurance, and gets uncomfortable if I make plans without him.

[A]

I know, sorry.

[B]

I don't think he's controlling. He seems just lonely, which makes me feel guilty, but I'm starting to feel a little smothered. I've tried helping him meet people, but he never follows through. Is this something you can think we can actually resolve or is it a deal breaker?

[A]

Oh gosh. All right. There's a lot of those things to pull apart, so I'm gonna have to ask you more questions in a second to repeat some stuff. I don't know that that's a deal breaker because it's something that has just happened versus you've seen happen all along. Right. Because he apparently did have friends. Second, I'm glad he's not controlling, but I kind of think that smothering is controlling. So, I mean, I don't, you know, controlling, like, don't go do anything versus, hey, where are you? What are you doing? Both of those things are kind of controlling. Third, I think that it's not your job to find him a friend group. You're not, like, finding play dates for him. And I think that can become a real big turnoff at some point because you want a partner, not a not. You want him to be your child. And so I think you have to have a real honest conversation and then stop texting back all those times. Because if you're constantly responding to all those things, now you're getting into this pattern of, like, this is what he expects you to do. And, you know, is it a deal breaker? I don't know if it's a deal breaker. I think the question is, is if you're will to have that conversation, is he's willing to see what he's doing and it could be temporary, and I hope it is. And if it's not, then you might have to move on. Okay, while she's looking for the next question, I just want to say this. We love hearing from you guys and we love the question. So it doesn't have to all be dating and relationship or divorce anything. Just send it. Send it our way. And if it's something that's going to need research, it's something more medical or something more wellness or longevity. We will do the research, bring in the experts, and ask your questions. So we're trying to do a lot more of the Q and A to make sure that your questions specifically get answered, because I know you guys don't have tons of time and your time is precious. And so we want to make sure every minute you're listening to the Tamson show, you are learning something or feeling something or seeing something that helps.

[B]

Love it. Okay, this one's interesting. Hi, Tamsen. I adore your show. Thank you for helping me feel less alone in this stage of life. I'm 32 and dating a man who's incredible in every way except for one thing. The way he uses social media makes me feel terrible about myself. He follows and likes a ton of women who look nothing like me. He says it's meaningless, but I can't shake the feeling of not being enough. Is this something couples genuinely work through, or am I signing up for years of insecurity?

[A]

Oh, gosh, I. Or who are these people? He's. I guess I have a question. Like, who are these people? He's Following. Are they friends of his that just don't look like you, or are they random people that he's staring at all the time? I think that.

[B]

I'm sure they're models. Models, yeah. There's a lot of beautiful Instagram models. I think this is a common. It is. I mean, not in my relationship.

[A]

It better not be. Nope. Look. Yeah, I think there's a. Well, I have some concern there. I don't think there's anything wrong with. You know. Yeah, I do think there's wrong. Yeah. I have a problem with that, actually. I really do. I don't know that everyone's gonna agree with me or not, but if it's making you feel like you're not enough, which. I hate those two words so much and you're already feeling like that, then I wonder what it's gonna feel like. And three more years, or when you're my age and you're going through menopause. So I do worry about that. I worry if his actions are causing you to feel a certain way, and those are very definitive actions that are being taken. My question is this. Have you mentioned it or talked about it? If you haven't, I would really implore you to do that. If you have talked about it and you're still in the same place you're in right now, I would really consider whether or not that's. That's something that you feel is gonna be comfortable for you in the next two, three, four, five, 10 years. Because it wouldn't be for me. That would not be okay. Because I would constantly be wondering if he. If that was, like, being kind of lorded over my head, as that's what I really want. But I'm with you for now, which I don't know that's how he feels, but that's how I would feel if that were going on. So now I have to check Ira's Instagram. Oh, wait, he's not on it.

[B]

Ira doesn't even know how to log on and turn it on.

[A]

You can't find his apple.

[B]

That's not an issue. Tamsin. I divorced at 38, and I feel like I was dropped into a dating universe. I don't understand. Do people actually meet in real life anymore? Or do I need to get on apps even though they make me want to throw my phone into the river?

[A]

Yes, people still meet in real life. I will say that I met Ira at the age of. I don't even know how old I was. I guess it was eight years ago. Seven years ago.

[B]

Eight Years ago. Were you ever on the dating apps?

[A]

No, I was never on the dating apps.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Oh, gosh. I didn't go on the dating apps, I think because when we ran the matchmaking business, they were just starting, and I was like, I was. I had set up so many profiles for people, and I. I just. I don't know. And I. I think that I saw it and I'm like, I don't know. I don't really know if I ever want to get married again. I wasn't really anxious to find somebody.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, and so that was one thing because I'd already been married now at that point, and two, I think I was always nervous with work of going on there, like, because I did the news for a long time. Yeah. I would always make. I don't know. I just made me.

[B]

There's like, Raya. Raya now, where they have.

[A]

What's Raya? It's like, oh, that's the one.

[B]

You have to get accepted to it. Anything.

[A]

Oh, I don't know. Oh, yeah, I don't think that you would be accepted. Yeah. But no. So I never did the dating apps. So, wait, what was the question?

[B]

I did a dating app for, like, 30 minutes, and then I was scared for my safety. Like, I was. I was scared some. Like, I would see the person that I match with out in the real world. I think, like, no one talks about it. It's also, like, a safety issue. I feel like sometimes.

[A]

You mean matching with them and then seeing them somewhere?

[B]

Yeah. And, like, you don't know who they are.

[A]

I guess I. Yeah, I guess I never did that. Like, I don't. I don't know that I ever went on even any blind dates.

[B]

Because you also knew, like, you had someone to vet Ira when you met him in person. Like, he was a stranger.

[A]

Best friend of mine.

[B]

But people knew who he was.

[A]

Yes, I knew his background immediately because people wouldn't stop bothering me about him, but. Yeah, but going from scratch, like, I've talked to a lot of women about that. Going from, like, not knowing somebody to, like, jumping right into that is not something I've ever done before. But I can understand. Wait, what was the question?

[B]

It was, how does she need to go? And does she need to go on dating apps? Oh, right. Basically. Do you hang out at the elevator bank that you met Ira in?

[A]

Or if you go to the Fountain Blue in Miami, where I met Iraq? No, Look, I don't think you have to go on dating apps, but I think if I were dating Now I probably would. I do think that. But I do think that I would also not try to make it a full time job, which I know a lot of people feel like it is. And I know that there have been some incredible relationships that have come out of that just because of the numbers at this point. Right. And I also think the ability to research people a little bit better versus what we had 10 or 20 years ago, like, we didn't have the ability to like, you could literally see somebody and then go find out a hundred things about them. So that's good news. I don't think you have to do the dating apps, but I do think you can meet people in person. But I think you have to be really patient with that and really understand that you might meet 20 people and then it might be one of those people who know somebody else who introduced you to somebody else. Right. Or it might be you have this time of saying yes to everything. So you're showing up wherever it is. And so I think you have to be patient on both accounts. But I wouldn't rule out dating apps. Not at all. I would research the type of dating apps that you want to be on. I know. Isn't Bethenny Frankel starting a dating app or something?

[B]

I don't know. Is she starting a dating app?

[A]

Yeah, I saw it on Instagram. I saw, I saw it on Instagram.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

I also think because she was sick of online dating, maybe we have to have Bethany Frankel come talk about her online dating.

[B]

I would love that if Bethany Frankel came and talked about her online dating app. I also think too, like joining different, like, groups.

[A]

Groups running groups. Like, you know, pottery class. You're really right. That was the advice we used to give with dating. So when we did before there were so many apps, we were like, oh, go to like minded places. Whether you're, you know, going to a class together. And there's so many of those things

[B]

now, like Airbnb experiences.

[A]

Airbnb experiences. I just saw a banzai and a bar event going on and I think it's in Midtown where you want to go learn how to like make the bonsai trees, like clip them and stuff, which my dad loves to do. There are pottery classes, there's running clubs, there's like adventures to say yes to, whether it's hiking or whatever it is you want to do. So I do think it can be a little creative. Personally, I like that because it's like a two in one. You're meeting people and then you're also doing something whether it's getting outside or getting outside your comfort zone. So you're not just going to work, coming back home, sitting on your phone, thumbing through your phone, trying to figure out whether to swipe right or left. I think that there are real people out there in the real world and you're gonna have to get out anyway eventually.

[B]

Yeah, you should see all the women that Tamsen's dad is meeting at pottery.

[A]

I know my father. My father's 85 and he's doing pottery classes. He does groups, he does like a men's group and he's meeting so many people, it's amazing. So I think it's never too late to do that. But go out there, not like I've gotta fall in love and get married. Go out there thinking, I want to meet people that are interesting and see where it goes and see who knows who. Tam fam I have got to talk to you about bras for a second. Yeah, I know, but I do. I have hit the stage where comfort is non negotiable for me. If something is digging in, squeezing me, or showing through my clothes, I'm not wearing it. I don't care how cute it is. So I tried the Skims Fits Everybody collection and I finally understand why people are obsessed. The fabric is soft and stretchy, but it still feels supportive. It molds to you instead of fighting you. I've been wearing the Fits Everybody triangle bralette and the thong. And what I love most is that it just disappears under clothes. Like there's no weird lines, there's no adjusting all day long. It's the kind of thing you put on and you forget about it. And that's what it should be. And it's exactly what I want at this point in my life. Shop Skims Fits everybody [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select the Tamsen show in the dropdown menu that follows. Close your eyes. Focus. Listen to work getting done with Monday.com relax as AI does the manual work while your teams are aligned on a single source of truth. Feel the sensation of an AI work platform.

[B]

So flexible and intuitive it feels like

[A]

it was built just for you. Notice you're limitless. Limitless. Now open your eyes. Go to Monday.comstart for free and finally breathe.

[B]

Hi Tamsin. I'm 30. My boyfriend talks about building a future together. But each time we talk logistics about moving in, he's pushing the Timeline. Is this hesitation normal, or do you think it's a sign that he's unsure about us?

[A]

Oh, timelines. So a couple of things. I think it's really important that people keep their word when they say something. I think it's really important that if you've both talked about something and said like, hey, we're moving together in. Together in August, and he's like, let's do December now, and December rolls around or November rolls around, he goes, let's do next August. Like that kicking the can thing, unless it's a financial reason or a work reason or whatever it is, concerns me. I think also you need to figure out, you know, the why. That's it. I would just want to know the reason why. And if it's just constantly to kind of keep you on a string, you've got to decide whether or not you want to constantly be the aggressor of pushing everything forward. Because if you're pushing the relationship forward now, you're going to be pushing it forward for a very long time. And that's not fun.

[B]

TAMSEN I am 42. I'm in therapy, and it has changed my life. My boyfriend thinks therapy is dramatic and not necessary. It feels like it's creating a real gap between us. Do you think a relationship can work when only one person is willing to put in the work?

[A]

No, I don't think a relationship can work with only one person putting in the work, because that's not a relationship. That's a relationship with you. But it doesn't mean that. I think he has to go to therapy. But if that's something that you're doing, and at least. The very least is to be supportive of it. And so, no, I don't think that works when there's one person putting in the work. I don't. I don't. I'd love to be able to give you a different answer, but I don't know what that answer would be. And I think I'd be misleading you to say that if he doesn't want to put in the work now, he's going to want to put it in in five years when the relationship gets more serious.

[B]

So what does that. What do you suggest?

[A]

Well, I mean, umatum. I don't think it's an ultimatum. I think it's a conversation. Like, I never think anything. Ultimatums don't work. Like, ultimatums make you feel crappy and make the other person pissed off or resentful or not tell you their truth. Right. So I think it's a conversation like, this is what I'm going to. If you can support me in it, I want to go forward. If you can't support me in it, I want to know what your suggestion is so that I can feel comfortable. And I don't think that's an ultimatum. I think that that's a conversation of opening up options in front of somebody and figuring out where they land. And if his answer is, I don't want to do anything, I'm just going to do this, then I think you have to decide whether or not that's good enough for you. And I don't think good enough is enough.

[B]

Mic drop. I. I am in the throes of perimenopause. Anytime I bring up night sweats or mood swings, my husband has to make a joke about me being hormonal.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. You don't even have to finish this question. Okay, go ahead.

[B]

How do I get him to take this seriously?

[A]

Send him to me.

[B]

We'll take care of him.

[A]

We'll take care of him. You know, perimenopause and menopause, we know, have not been conversations until literally recently. So I don't fault anybody for not feeling comfortable having the conversation, but I do fault them for mocking it. And I know that has been societal. We any media show that has mentioned menopause or perimenopause until now, it's always a joke. Like, the woman is hot and frantic and ragey and crazy and feeling awful and doesn't want to have sex. So we know that that's like that stereotype. But you are having real symptoms and maybe possibly suffering in some of those. And there are enough men out there who have. Have come turned a corner to really help and not even turn a corner, but have come forward. And so many of them are in the studio with me right now. But to ask questions and understand what's going on and want to understand what's going on because they're a partner. So you've got to just guide him to the right way and see if he's willing to do that. Whether it's listening to one of the podcasts, we have a men's guide to menopause that we did not too long ago, where we had tons of men writing in, asking more questions, which was super exciting. So we need to do another one of those. Whether it's getting a book, whether it's getting just a couple of understanding what's going on. This is a transition in my life. This is how I'm Feeling during this. This is not like quirky, funny, ha ha symptoms. This is something I'm really, really going through and I need your help with that. And I don't know very many people or very many partners that would be like, meh, you're on your own. I think it's just really understanding what you're going through emotionally and then physically.

[B]

I'm 38 years old and my ex husband and I divorced six months ago. It was mutual, respectful, without any blow ups, but nice. And everyone kept telling me how lucky I am that we handled it so maturely. What does that feel like? But I feel wrecked. We didn't split because of something dramatic. We actually just slowly became roommates. And now I'm grieving something I'm not even sure existed. How do you mourn a marriage that didn't end in a blowup?

[A]

Oh, I mean, I guess I understand that that roommate thing can almost be harder because it just feels like there's no like, reason. You know, somebody didn't cheat, somebody didn't, you know, doesn't seem like there was any type of abuse. It was just. No, there's no hard, fast defined excuse. Right. It just didn't work anymore and you drifted apart. I think I would try to realize that you don't have to mourn the end of that, but you do have to acknowledge the end of that and acknowledge that. And without that romantic relationship, you probably became really good friends. So it's the end of a friendship. And I don't know if it makes sense that you have to keep that person in your life because I don't know if that stops you from doing something else. If you can find a way to both keep that friendship and salvage it, maybe that's good enough. But I'm not sure that that's always feasible. And I would also say that I would try to turn, not worry about what people are saying, but you should really appreciate the fact that you both had enough respect for each other and the relations to treat each other in an incredible way. Relationships that blow up, and trust me that I had that with no respect, you mourn yourself in those. And I think the good thing is you're not mourning yourself.

[B]

I also love your advice about the time blocking, which you did. So can you talk a bit about

[A]

that relationship at the end of it?

[B]

Yeah, like, I think that still applies even if the relationship didn't blow up. I think that's just a really smart way to look at any, you know, grief or any time in your life that you Just are trying to, you know, put your head down and go through.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I do the time blocking, even on my calendar, and I haven't done it as much lately, which I need to. But I would, like, carve. When I went through my divorce, it was really volatile, and I would go from like, fighting, whether through attorney or mediator, to work, to back to that. And it was like, I didn't have any time to even, like, sort through what the. What I was dealing with. So I would, like, block out time and go walk the city or go walk around the park or, you know, go to the gym or just kind of sit there and focus on what I needed to focus on. And that really helped me rebuild who I was because I lost a part of myself. I didn't know how to be alone. I was involved in a tangled. In a business with him. So that was hard financially. We were all, like, combined together. So he didn't travel. I loved to travel. He liked watching tv. I didn't like watching tv. It was just like, we were so different. I'd lost myself, and so I blocked out some units of time every week as much as I could to, like, remember who I was again. And that really helped. But it took time. It didn't happen overnight, and it didn't happen, like, after a week. But that quiet time's important. So I would also hope that you're not just sitting on the phone with this person just because you were so used to having them next to you all the time. That was. I really enjoyed that because I felt like those were such great questions, and I hope that was really helpful to all of you. I'm gonna put the phone number. Oh, what's the phone number? Actually, I'm gonna get it memorized, I promise. But if you guys wanna leave a message or send your questions in or leave your comments, I would love to hear them. We got a phone because I'm old school, but also because I really want to hear your voice and hear what you have to say about things. And sometimes it gets lost over DMS and texts and emails. So do we have that phone number? I think it's a 917 number.

[B]

So hold on. 917-38-22-4277. And we'll put it in the show notes, too, so you can call or text.

[A]

All right, give us a call, text, write, and let me know what you think. I'll see you next time. This is a Monday.com ad. The same Monday.com designed for every team. The same Monday.com with built in AI scaling your work from day one the same Monday.com with an easy and intuitive setup. Go to Monday.com and try it for free.

[B]

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[A]

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