← The Tamsen Show
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- [00:00]
A
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B
So let me ask you something. When you hear the word mom, what characteristics come to mind do you think? Love? Strength? Resilience. Or maybe comfort knowing her love is always with you. I know motherhood looks different for everyone. Whether you're a mother, whether your mother shaped the person you are today. Then there are some who carry the love of their mom in their hearts in different ways. And that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Cozy Earth is the ultimate when it comes to creating comfort. That feels like home. And you know that home feels like mom. I'm absolutely in love with their temperature regulating bedding to their Ultrasoft PJs I wear every night and I have several pairs. Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas are the perfect gift for yourself or that special person in your life. And you know that to me, sleep is everything between my cozy Earth PJs and the bedding. I sleep through the night these days and I cannot wait to jump into bed at the end of a long day. Your mom deserves the best. Get 40% off with my code TAMSEN@cozyearth.com that's TAMSENozyearth.com There is nothing that's going to impact your life more than your romantic relationship.
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Whatever your relationship status, if you are unhappy with the quality specifically of your romantic relationship, it's all encompassing.
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The right one can bring you peace. The wrong one can affect everything.
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Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn't add value to your life and you don't add value to theirs?
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Jillian Te is a relationship coach who has helped thousands of women stop repeating these same painful patterns and build the kind of love they have always wanted. I have her new book here. It begins with nine hard truths about love that will change your life.
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We have to make sure that our life is sacred to us and important to us and that we don't make a stranger so important.
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We are talking about what real love looks like today, how to rebuild after heartbreak, and why midlife is anything but too late.
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A
No one can actually rescue you from yourself. Your problems are still your problems. Your journey is still your journey. And the thing is, is that this.
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B
Is one you don't want to miss. So let's get started. Jillian, I am so excited to have this conversation with you, so thank you for taking the time.
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A
Oh, my God. Thank you so much for having me.
- [02:50]
B
I feel like we have so much to talk about. You have helped so many couples now. Healthy relationships and just really understand what's going on. I feel like relationships kind of, they take over our lives in so many ways. Whether we're talking about relationships at work, we're talking about relationships in love. And you've done such an incredible job with your book. It begins with you. And I think it resonated for so many reasons because people want to hear the truth and they want to know how to find a real relationship that matters. So thank you for that.
- [03:21]
A
Yeah, I, I, I, I really do believe that our relationships define our lives. And you know, for the person who is always looking for a relationship or they're heartbroken or they're in a, like, whatever your relationship status, if you are unhappy with the quality specifically of your romantic relationship, it's all encompassing. And so I really wanted to share my perspective on it in a way that I don't think has been shared enough before.
- [03:55]
B
I don't think it has either. And you know, I opened a book and like, I, you, you start your book and then you cannot stop. And I think that, that, you know, that is a sign of something that you need in your life. So I want to talk a little bit about your story first because I think it's important to, to talk about how you got here and, and, you know, where this all started for you.
- [04:14]
A
Yeah, Well, I mean, it all started with yoga, I think. I was a yoga teacher for many, many years. So I was always very curious about the mind, body, connection, and really how to fortify one's relationship to themselves. And I also recognize that if we are, if we're feeling more at peace or centered within ourselves, and that doesn't mean we're always like that, but if we can have a more robust center of emotional gravity, an emotional center of gravity that feels more centered and more robust, then, then, then our relationships are better. And then, you know, I wanted something more for my life. I didn't know what that was. I also wanted to get married. And I ended up meeting the man who would become my husband and then my ex husband. And I, you know, I thought because I met him at 37. So I thought that that's a little later in life. And I'd had lots of romantic experiences and romance, like relationships. And I thought, you know, I'm mature. I know what I want. And it just was. The marriage was just in many ways, a catastrophe. Honestly, it was very, very difficult. And I didn't know how to navigate it. I was totally lost. And then things sort of reached a crescendo. My mom was dying of cancer, and I woke up to a miscarriage. And that was the day that my husband decided. My ex husband decided to send a text that he wasn't coming home. And so that day, which is how I begin the book, was like the end of my life in many ways, because it was the. It was a huge turning point. It was like as if, you know, the universe or God or whatever, you believe in some sort of force. It was like, okay, Jillian, like, you thought you were going this direction, but no, no, no, no. You actually have to go in the opposite direction. And that began my journey into figuring out what makes a relationship work and how to actually. How to find meaning in life. And here we are today.
- [06:27]
B
Well, I love the fact that you talk about the nine hard truths that you need, because I think they are. I think sometimes we think, you know, we were brought up one way of what love looks like. And when we really go back and look at that and assess it, it's very, very different. I had the husband that turned into the, you know, ex husband. And I had, at the time, the same thing. It was a little later in life. So I thought, I'm on this timeline. Like, I better figure out where I'm going. It's probably time to get married. And I wound up in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. And I couldn't believe I had got there. Cause I thought, wow, I understand career. I understand how to do all these other things in my life. How did that become such a failure? And I went through a thing where I was like, I'll never get married again. Fast forward 10 years. I am. And so I wanna dive into that. Cause I want women to feel like there's some real hope there. And I know that that's what you talk about, but it does start with you as a person. And not only what you're looking for, but understanding what all of it means. So, you know, I work a lot with women in midlife, talking about menopause. And eventually these conversations always turn to relationships. No matter what, they always eventually go to relationships. Whether someone's in one and they're assessing it again and looking it over, or they're looking back into dating. So many women over the age of 40 are single. Why do you think that is?
- [07:54]
A
Oh, man, I don't. This is a. This is a big conversation. There's lots of different reasons. One is that women. We live in a time where women are making more money than ever and are more independent than ever. So a lot of them are choosing to be single or choosing not to get married. Let's say they're in a relationship, but they're choosing not to get married because they don't see the point in getting married. Whereas in the past, especially in the. In it through a heteronormative lens, it would be, you get married because you want. You need financial support from your husband and you need other things, but you really. You want to build a family. You want to. You want to be at home, and, you know, your husband would be sort of the one sort of monetarily supporting the family. And so things have changed a lot for women. I think now, you know, at least for the women I work with, most women, they want to be with someone who's financially stable, but what they're looking for more is someone who's emotionally supportive, right? So women don't need that. It also depends where we're looking. If we're looking at cities or we're looking more like, you know, suburban areas, it's definitely different in cities. I think that also women. This is along the same vein, is that women's focus. Here's the thing. All the women I work with, they want love, they want a relationship, but they're also focusing on other things, like their career. And so they're. Which. Which is a great thing in my view. And so they're focusing on that, and they're not. And then they're not spending their 20s and early 30s looking for a relationship. And then they hit 40 and they're like, oh, you know, where to go. And then. And then the third thing is when a woman gets divorced or when she goes through a very traumatic breakup, women's, statistically speaking, take much longer time than men to get over the suffering and the pain. And so they stay single longer than men do after breakups.
- [10:05]
B
I so agree with you on that, because I think that they're trying to assess a lot of things, right? Like the hurt and then figuring out the role that they played in it versus, you know, just moving on and saying, you know, next, and we'll see who else is out there. I know that it's a challenge getting back out there, especially in midlife. If you were, it could be for a number of reasons. Whether you were always single, right. Or you were in a relationship for a long time and now you're plopped back into this dating arena that looks very different than maybe it did when you were in your 20s or 30s. And so I want to talk a little bit about that because I feel like dating can be a real challenge. And I know a lot of women are like, I don't know where to start. All the good ones are gone. I don't even know where to begin looking right now or how to go about dating.
- [10:51]
A
The first thing that I want to address is you h. People really have to be mindful of their belief system. If you believe and keep saying all the good ones are taken. If you believe that all the, you know, all, all everyone out there is a narcissist or I'm too old or anything like that, you are not going to meet anyone. This is just how things work. I have worked with many women in midlife, some in their mid-50s, and they're having the time of their life. I mean, it's like raining men on them. And some of them who date women's rating women. Why? Well, are they any more attractive or impressive than the. Than maybe the younger ones? No, but they just have a different. They, they. They believe in themselves and they don't believe in all the, the stress and the pressure that everyone is talking about when it comes. Look, it has never been easy to find the person or to meet the person who you are going to fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with. You have to be so patient and it is almost always going to take longer than what you are comfortable with. And you can't just go out on 10 dates and then say, you know, screw this with dating. But what you can do is stop giving second dates to people who you don't like and start giving second dates to people who you may not be initially that attracted to, but you like them. And so that's really important because I see all the time, I see this with women in particular, it's like, oh yeah, you know, they, they want to keep seeing the person even though the person is showing all these signs of being. Not that not having strong character, but there's, there's a. There's physical attraction there. And so you need to be much more mind of that.
- [12:50]
B
I'm so glad you said that because I think that's such an important thing to drive well, all of it's such an important thing to drive home, but especially the mindset part, because I know you talk a lot about mindset and I know that I hear those, I don't know, they're just phrases over and over again like, I'm too old, all the good ones. And those, those set in like your ears hear what your mouth is saying. And I do think, I love the fact that you're working with people that are in their 50s and beyond that are having the time of their lives, because I do think they are, they are. And it's, it's really encouraging. And I want younger women to feel encouraged by that and not think that it all. Yes, you know, it all, it all ends once you hit midlife.
- [13:24]
A
Part of it is not our fault. Right. Never have we. I mean, what is going on with women right now? And plastic surgery is out of control. What's going on with women right now? And injections, I mean, there are women in their 20s and early 30s getting Botox and lip flips and this beautiful, stunning women who are so young. And so it's not really our fault that we, because we're so inundated with the standard. So it's like, how could you not think, oh, at 40 I'm old, when, when this is what's going on and you have to. And the thing is, it's going on mostly in this country because if you go to other countries in Europe, many European men don't even register a menopausal woman in the sense that he doesn't care. Yeah, he doesn't care. He thinks a woman in her 60s is beautiful. Like age is not the hang up on age is really in the United States. And so, so I wanted, I wanted to add that because I wanted to acknowledge that it's not just that it's all in your head, but some of it is.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And you really have to fight against that and really own where you are and not get into that learned helplessness about your age.
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B
Yeah, I'm glad you said that because you're right about that. It is in your head and it's in society. And we've been kind of trained that way. You know, I spent 30 plus years in television and I remember them telling me, listen, it was a woman that said, right around 40, you know, you better think of another career because you're going to age out. And that was very. She wasn't being mean. She thought she was offering me actually genuine advice. And so we have been brought up with that and hopefully we're turning a page a bit as we're living longer, as we're seeing more women in midlife, in the media and seeing them out in front kicking ass and kicking ass in a huge way. I see women. I forget about second chapters. There's third, fourth, fifth. I mean, I think that.
- [15:25]
A
Yes, yes.
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B
And you're right about Europe. When we walk around Europe and you see these women that are older and they're gorgeous and they own it from within, too, which is the big part of all of it.
- [15:35]
A
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B
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B
Second dates. Not giving somebody a second date. I want to go back to that because I think people need to hear this again. Not giving people a second day that you know eventually probably somewhere in your gut is not going to be the person but somehow you're working toward. You know, I think when people make you work for it, somehow you think that, like, that challenge is something that you should be doing. You know, the person that's a little bit cooler to you, that sort of blows you off a little bit, might be interested, might not be, versus the, I don't know, the good guy or the good girl that you, you know, you like the person, but you're not sure if there's a chemistry there. Can we, can we dive a little bit further into that? Because I think that's a real, it's a big waste of time and we see a lot of people do it and then, and then possibly don't. Don't follow through with somebody who could be really great for them.
- [17:16]
A
Yeah, I mean, I see it all the time. So it's, it's. You go on a date and maybe it's not, you know, sometimes it's hard to know in the first date. Maybe it's a week of dating one person and you get this sense of this person isn't really not that into me or they don't seem, you know, they don't seem excited about me. They're not really pursuing me, or they're not really receptive to me, or I just noticed some, like, red flags. I got. I got a little icky feeling when I was around them or I noticed something that was just like a bit off. But, you know, you throw in physical attraction and you throw in a dose of loneliness and a dose of, but wait, I'm 40. No one else is going to want me or whatever it is. You throw that into the mix and what you get is desperation and what happens and what happened. And I know that that's a very taboo word, but I want to normalize it because we have to be able to recognize that in ourselves. It's like that, that that overpowering thirst to be loved and to be in a relationship can be so consuming that we will justify seeing someone who is not that great and not that great to us. And so you have to cut those people off fast. And you can't force chemistry with someone. But I will say that, that it's possible for it to grow. And so I always say give it about five dates and not five dates of just going out for dinner. Include some dates where you do something fun together. Include some dates with some friends. You know, include some dates, maybe even a family member. So you start to see who the person is, how they interact with their world. Because sex appeal can really like. It can. It can light up. It can just turn on like a. Like a switch when we're seeing someone within a certain context versus just us talking together like this, you know, over a drink.
- [19:24]
B
Right? Yeah, I so agree with that. And I think that it's interesting to look at what happens in a relationship. You know, when I met my husband and it took me a while to kind of even decide I was going to the husband I'm with now, it took me a while to, you know, to figure out if I even wanted to be in a relationship. But I watched him in all these different scenarios over and over and over again and realized, like, wow, this is. This is who I wanna be with. And has encouraged and really helped me grow my life in a different way. Didn't rescue me, but help walk alongside me. And I don't know if 10 years ago I would have given him a chance. There you go. I can probably guarantee that I would have been like, no, no, no, no, I want the bad boy. And I do think that there is something to that. And we waste a lot of time getting into those relationships of chasing somebody that might not be good for us.
- [20:18]
A
Yes.
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B
If you had to say, there is A number one big mistake that we are making right now when it comes to dating in 2025, because it's changed, obviously, from years past. What. What would that be right now?
- [20:32]
A
The constant texting with a stranger. So, like, that you meet someone, but let's say you meet them on a dating app, but you don't actually go on a date with them. You're texting back and forth, or even. Or maybe you went on a couple of dates, and then you're spending all day texting back and forth with this person instead of getting on the phone or instead of meeting or instead of just actually living your life. And when you have your next date, you have your next date. That's a really. And that, you know, that's the rise of technology and whatnot. But that's a. That's a huge waste, and it gives. It gives us a false sense of intimacy. You think you're creating some connection with person because you're constantly texting, when really, what's happening, and I understand it can be fun, but what's really happening is that you are. But you are, like, beholden to these. These dopamine hits throughout the day, like when they're going to text and you're texting back and all of this. And it's just. It's just a bit childish. And I think that what's so important is that when you enter the dating world, you have to. You have to know we're none of us are fully whole. We're not completely whole beings, fully healed beings, but we do have to have. We have to have a life, and we have to make sure that our life is sacred to us and important to us and that we don't make a stranger so important, you know, and, and, and that's, I think, what people do too often, and it's a big mistake.
- [22:00]
B
Well, I think what we do is we make them the answer to everything. Once I, with this person, they're going to fix how I feel about myself, how I feel about work, how I feel about my parents.
- [22:09]
A
Not a conscious thought, but yes.
- [22:11]
B
Not a conscious thought, but yes. How do you get out of that? Because that is. There's a lot there to unpack in terms of realizing that person is not going to rescue you. And unfortunately, you find it out when you're maybe too far into it or. Yeah, well, you know, you've given too much of yourself away.
- [22:28]
A
Yeah. Well, hence why. Part of the reason why I wrote the book, because there's a whole chapter devoted to this. There is no One who I would. So let me backtrack the quote, unquote, right person for you. You support each other. You are your biggest. Each other's biggest cheerleaders. You have each other's backs. There's real friendship there. You know, love can be incredibly healing, but no one can actually rescue you from yourself. Your problems are still your problems. Your journey is still your journey. And the thing is, is that when we have this thought, an unconscious belief that with the right person, all our problems are going to go away. What that does is create neediness, because neediness is when we rely on our partner to make us happy as opposed to expecting our relationship to add to our happiness. Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn't add value to your life and you don't add value to theirs? But no one is responsible for your happiness or your security. They can only add to that which you have already cultivated yourself.
- [24:00]
B
Somebody is listening right now and says, I want love. Or at least I want to meet somebody. Where do they begin with that? Because I think that, look, we know there are dating apps. We know you can meet somebody in person. We know there's all different ways now to go about that. What do you think is the smartest thing to do to get back out there? I mean, I always feel like nothing should be off limits, but you really should set some parameters around each one of those things, right?
- [24:26]
A
Yes. So I think you want to. You want to be. You want to strategically hit it from all places. So I would, I would try dating apps and be. And learn how to make. Create a good profile and, and make sure that you have some boundaries around it so you're not doom scrolling all day and swiping all day. You know, I mean, the thing about technology is that technology hasn't ruined us. Technology has revealed our weaknesses. And our greatest weakness as a human, as human beings, is that we're very. We are. We are easily addicted. We just are, you know, and so. And we're always looking for a way to. To escape our suffering. So we have to. You have to have some boundaries around that. I would also take yourself out for dinner alone, sit at the bar somewhere and make friends with people. This isn't about meeting the person who you're going to date. This is about meeting people who might even. Who might know the person you're going to date. So for the people who are not knowing where to start, you're not going to find them sitting on your couch. Your favorite character on Netflix isn't going to come through the Television and start dating you, you have to actually get that out. Could also do something that sort of meets all of your needs. So you could, I don't know, contribute to a nonprofit or you know, join some sort of community where you, where you find, where you're meeting like minded people and it's interesting and it's interesting work for you. And also you're opening up your world. So in other words, if you really want a relationship, you have two choices, just really three. One is do nothing and just live your life and just let, and just see what happens if you're not feeling, you know, rushed or you got to treat it like anything else that you've really wanted in your life. Because when we really want something, we figure out a way and we try lots of different things and we don't get discouraged when things don't happen quickly. So you, you have to treat it like that. And you can always do a combination of the two.
- [26:48]
B
Truth number seven you have, you cannot convince someone to love you. And when I, when I read that there, I was like, oh, because it's, it's so true. Just kind of like it's a gut punch and it's so difficult because that is what we think. We think that we're supposed to work at it. We, we, you know, we use those words. You have to work at it. Can we talk about the people that might be in a relationship like that where they feel like they're constantly having to work for it or they're out there dating and they think they have to do the same thing. Like, you know, pick me, pick me and pay attention to me and what, what do I need to do to make you happy? Because that is a truth that even though we might know it, it's not so easy to live out.
- [27:29]
A
So I'll just give some examples. So for people who are dating, like maybe you've had this experience where you're dating someone and you can feel like you don't, you feel like it's the feelings are, are not balanced, that you're more into them than they're into you. So you're figuring out ways in which you can be more accepted by them or chosen by them. You know, a lot of women, which is the biggest mistake, women tend to because we've been so conditioned. Oh, if I just give more, then he or she is going to be more interested in me and it's like, no, no, no, actually they're going to be turned off, which is so interesting, you know, because you're giving more when you're not being given to. So a lot of women will just give more or try to, or try to be cool or try to be different. You know, they'll just try to figure out like, how can I get this person to like me? So that is one way that we do it. And then in relationships it's like, you know, there's, there's a difference between fighting for your relationship and fighting to be enough for the person who you are in a relationship with. Yeah. And you know, for anyone who's in the position where they feel like they're just fighting to be enough, fighting to be loved. The way to stop that is to start speaking up about your boundaries and start speaking up about what it is that you need and risk the loss of the relationship because there is no other way. You have to actually stand. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta change the dynamic where you're not doing that anymore and instead you have to stand up for yourself and face the consequences of it ending, which is going to be much easier on you than to continue this hamster wheel of trying to be enough for the person who keeps distancing themselves from you.
- [29:38]
B
It is probably one of the worst feelings, it really is when you have that you're not enough. And you're constantly. You've talked about, your central nervous system is always on alert of what can I do? You know, I had my relationship with the Mr. Big in my life, I call it where it was, you know, 10 to 15 years of. If I only help him with this, if I only do this, if I only. And it's hard because it detracts from everything but saying that you have to stand up for yourself, you do have to risk losing that relationship. There's actually no option. Or you will be on that heightened alert for the rest of your life.
- [30:15]
A
Yes.
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B
And probably lose at the end anyway.
- [30:18]
A
And. Exactly. Exactly.
- [30:21]
B
So my father. I wanna go into two things. I wanna talk about the one not really being the one and talking about my advice from my 85 year old father who gave me this advice when I was much younger. But I didn't know what to do with it and it sounded silly at the time. He said to me, it's better to be alone than lonely with someone. And I never understood what lonely with someone meant. Can we talk a little bit about that? Because being single has such a stigma. I don't know, you know, which makes me very sad because some of my best years were being single. But we have such an adversity to it.
- [30:54]
A
Yes.
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B
What, how do we get rid of that?
- [30:58]
A
Well look, we got to scream it from the mountaintops. There's literally nothing worse than, than, than a bad relationship. There's nothing that's going our romantic, a romantic relationship and the romantic relationship that we're in. There is nothing in your life that's going to have more influence over your overall well being than your romantic relationship. Nothing. And so we could have a great career, we could have the money we want, we could have our physical health. But like physical health, if we don't have our physical health or a romantic relationship is struggling, we're going to wake up very, very stressed. Everything's going to be off in our lives. And so the power that a relationship has is profound. And that's why we have to, we have to be the co creators of a relationship. We have to make it great. But a bad relationship and what I, I put bad in quotation marks. A bad relationship is, you know, you one or both people feel totally unseen, unheard, you're not nice to each other. There's just tons of fighting. Of course on the far end of the spectrum there's abuse, but it doesn't even have to be abusive for it to be bad. But nothing will decrease the quality of your life. Is that as much as that? So it really is better to be single and loving your life and not having to worry about someone else and not having to do any of that than to be in a relationship where you feel totally alone and not good enough. It's the worst.
- [32:44]
B
It's the worst. And if I could lift that pressure off of every person out there from feeling that the only goal is a relationship in the end, like we all, we all want to be loved, but to be so fearful of being single and maybe that's changing a little bit. I'm not sure.
- [33:01]
A
Yeah, I think it's, I think it's for sure. I mean there's a lot more now. It's interesting, the pendulum has swung, but so there is a percentage of people, especially women because I think men have always been, have had an easier time being single, even though men actually studies suggest that men live longer when they're in relationships. So even though like we, we began this conversation, there are women who are actually living their best lives single. What's happening a lot between men and women who are saying that they'd rather be single is they, they, they have such a negative story and belief around love and relationships that their choice to be single is, is not empowering. It's the lesser of two evils and so that's what I'm seeing a lot of. And that's. That was the main motivation for writing the book, which is that you're just like, you're. You're still a slave to your ex. Your ex, your ex relationship still controls you if you're staying single because you think a relationship is nothing but pain. And so that is where you have to re. Investigate the story.
- [34:19]
B
Is that where you realize that you needed to have this book out there because you were seeing one after another, people single or couples in. In bad relationships. What. What made you.
- [34:28]
A
It was. It was everything. It was my own experience. It was people not knowing, not having the tools and not being taught the. It's also people blaming everyone else or blaming themselves too much. It's all of the above.
- [34:41]
B
Let's talk about the One. Because I do feel like we've. We're always looking for the One and we think there's just one out there. I know that my dad was with my mother for 25 years and she passed. And then he met my stepmother and she seemed like, you know, I think he had two the Ones. And so I. After that, I realized that I didn't know if the One was a thing. And you have thoughts about it. And I want to hear them because I do think that we're always running around the world, like, saying, I'm gonna find the One one day. I know they're out there somewhere. And I don't necessarily know that the One is one person.
- [35:16]
A
Yeah, well, that's the influence of romanticism on our culture, which is that we're gonna meet this person who is our one and true only soulmate, and they're gonna be able to read our minds and they're gonna love us the way that our mom or dad never loved us. And again, these are not conscious thoughts, but you better believe this is in your psyche because you have to really be aware of this. The chances of you meeting someone who you fall in love with again is dependent on your belief system. So you would have to have the belief that. That there's still love out there. You would have to have the belief that even though you'll never, especially if you're widowed or widower, like, you have to have the belief that even though you can never replace that person, you could find someone who adds different texture to your life. You know, you never know. You have to believe in love. You have to believe in yourself. Yeah, I think that's very important. And so the point is that there isn't just One person and timing is relevant. You said if you had met Your now husband 10 years ago, you never would have given him a chance. So so much of it is not about this one. Who is this entity out there who's going to come into your life? So much of you matching with the right person is about something that's going on internally inside of yourself.
- [36:52]
B
I love hearing you say that because. And I hope that people really hear it and believe it and understand it because it really does have everything. I think it would. I think it would get rid of a lot of the hopelessness that I often see, because I know that. I know dating can be very, very discouraging, but it can also be really exciting if you're looking at it a certain way during this time. So you, you start off with your. The second truth that your mind is a battlefield. And I think we don't always give ourselves enough credit to understand, you know, to think about, you know, what's going on in our mind all the time. Thinking we can control it all the time. And you also talk a lot about movement. Can we talk about how you get out of your own head? Because I think that we, you know, technology's done this. We live a lot in our own head. We do just by the way the world is set up right now. How do you help people do that? That come to you, get out of their head?
- [37:46]
A
Yeah, well, first I. Well, not first, but there's a. There's a few different ways in which I tackled this. If you're in your head and you're in. You're likely in your head about. And you're. And you're replaying a certain narrative or story. Let's say it's about your ex partner or something that someone said to you. Mindfulness is when we can say, oh, I'm telling myself a story right now. I'm caught up in a whole narrative, a neurotic narrative that. That is taking control of me. It's in control of me. So that alone is humongous for someone to just be able to be like, I'm in a story right now. So then it's like, so what do you do to kind of like shake it out? Like, because like dogs and animals will kind of register their own sense of that. And then they do that, that shake to kind of shake it out to reset the nervous system. We don't do that. So what we could do is we could take a cold shower, we can go for a walk. We could go. Moving your body is the fastest way it's the proven way, it's the fastest way, it's extremely effective. But also if you are feeling very, very stressed out, in addition to exercise and some sort of moving of your body and maybe even breath work, we want to co regulate. So we co regulate with a friend, with a family member, with a pet we can co regulate with by working with. If we work with people, then working with our clients like this is how we kind of get out of our heads. And then if for people who are really going through a hard time, in addition to everything that I just said, find a way to give back is the most important thing. Because when we're in our heads, we are in a state of self consumption. We are just thinking about ourselves. And the fastest way to stop thinking about ourselves is to help something or someone else in need. And it doesn't have to be this grandiose thing. It could literally just be like helping someone with their groceries or calling a friend that's going through a hard time. Or it could be more of donating your time. This is what gives our lives meaning. This is what gets us out of our heads and into our hearts. We are wired for connection. We are wired for connecting with other people. And that's the way I think you're on mute.
- [40:17]
B
Workday starting to sound the same.
- [40:20]
A
I think you're on mute.
- [40:22]
B
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- [40:47]
A
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- [41:07]
B
NARS better together.
- [41:09]
A
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- [41:10]
B
Now I know a lot of times when people connect, they think it's love when it's actually lust. And those are, those are. Those are two very different types of connections. Can we break those down? Because I think when you're out there dating or you're actually in a relationship and you're not feeling that lust part anymore, you know, you're not aware that the love might still be there. So I'd like to break down those two words and just examples of what they mean.
- [41:38]
A
Sure. So let's say like in dating scenarios or early relationship scenarios. So lust is the feeling. It's the feeling, basically our biology is being flooded with different neurotransmitters and hormones that makes us feel alive, elated, excited, and, you know, excited emotionally and also excited physically. This is like when we have crushes, when we can't stop thinking about someone, where we can go into states of limerence where we get really obsessive about someone. We think we put the person up on a pedestal. We think, we think this is the one. Because we feel temporarily rescued from the monotony of our lives. Lust is very, very fun. It's like, you know, we were on this earth for not that long to never experience lust. It would be such a shame. And, and it can also get us into serious trouble because then that's when we think we again, we put the person, we put a person who we barely know on a pedestal. We are not. We are un. Our judgment gets clouded. This is not my concept, but I've heard these words before of like, you can't see the red flags through rose colored glasses. The red flags are no longer red. And so these are the things that can happen and it can be incredibly. Lust is fun until you wake up one morning and you realize you're not in control of your life anymore. You're an anxious mess. Love is very different than that. Lust takes, love gives. Lust is all about, what can you give me? How can you, how can you make me feel? I want more of you. It's desire, it's primal. But love is, is about giving and love is about supporting. And love is about patience. Now, in a long term relationship, the lust is going to fade. But you still. I. The happiest couples I know still have passion. It's not the same thing as when they first met and they wanted to bang. Sorry. They wanted to have sex several times.
- [43:57]
B
You can say bang.
- [43:59]
A
Yeah, I was like, you know, like, I just like, I'm sorry, I'm, you know, you can't, can't get the New Yorker out of me.
- [44:05]
B
I'm very happy. I'm very happy.
- [44:07]
A
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, it's not gonna be that, but when you love someone, you feel safe with someone. You can explore your sexuality and your sex life with someone much more deeply. A lot of people, when they're in lust, they're all not. I can't, I can't say everyone, but a large percentage of them are performing and trying to be good enough. Right? So if passion is, if you want to Work on the attraction and the physical chemistry in your relationship. You have to do more novel things together, more fun things together that are a little bit risky, that make you feel alive, so you get that charge between the two of you. And that's always gonna be something that you're gonna have to work on. But the alternative is just to have a series of three to six month relationships throughout your life, which is going to leave you feeling completely empty and unfulfilled. Guaranteed.
- [45:10]
B
Yeah. And. And miserable because you're always looking for that next high. Over.
- [45:14]
A
Oh, yeah, yeah. No. And yeah. Over and over again. Yeah.
- [45:18]
B
I want to talk about relation. We talked a lot about dating. I do want to talk about relationships. I can't imagine the wait list to work with you with relationships. How so? We're gonna, we're gonna get some. We're gonna get the advice here.
- [45:29]
A
Yeah.
- [45:30]
B
So many women that are going into perimenopause and menopause that we talk to on this show are in relationships, are feeling a lack of confidence, are feeling invisibility, are feeling like, you know, their bodies have changed, their. Their mind has changed, their relationship is not what it was before, whether it's because they, you know, their hormones have shifted and they're not feeling sexual anymore. Can we talk about those relationships? Because we are seeing an uptick in a lot of divorces during that time, and that's not surprising. And then the question is, what is it? What's causing it? Is that you've changed your mindset, you're in a different place in your life, or is it where you are right now as a woman? So I want to talk to women that are in this area and they're in a long relationship, and it just doesn't have any. It doesn't feel good anymore. It doesn't feel great anymore or exciting anymore.
- [46:26]
A
So I want to speak to something that I've seen over and over and over again and experience myself in midlife with women, you know, 40 to 55, let's say, or 57, you know, women who have. Who are in the perimenopause and menopausal journey. Burnout.
- [46:46]
B
Yeah.
- [46:47]
A
Is the number one thing that I see most commonly throughout women who are in relationships. Let's, let's just speak to the ones who are in relationships who are not giving to themselves, and they have spent years giving to everyone else. And I don't know about you, but to me, my experience is that the best way to replenish yourself and your vitality, which includes your hormonal Health is to fill your cup, is to get rest, is to give to yourself, is to connect to yourself in that way. And so the first piece of advice I would give based on my experience working with these women, is how can we come up with a plan where you are giving to yourself, where you are making time for yourself, time for your hobbies, time for rest, time for the connection that you might need outside of your relationship, like with your friends. Friends or with community. I don't know about you, but that has been the common thread where I've met a woman going through that transition and feeling sort of lifeless in her marriage. And I really mean nine out of ten times, there is. She's not giving enough to herself.
- [48:13]
B
A thousand percent. I mean, I think burned out from every which way and will say and probably says to you, I don't have time to do that. Right. I don't even know where to find the time to give to myself right now, because I'm doing it for everybody. And I think probably the answer is, you don't have time not to at this point, because so much is wrapped up in this time in life. And you've got another third to half of your life that you don't want to be not only unhappy, but unhealthy.
- [48:43]
A
Yes, exactly. And what will happen is that your symptoms will get a lot better. Yeah, they will. They will really decline. I mean, that's been the experience. It's like you. There's no. We can't have hormonal balance in a chronic state of stress. It's just impossible. And so I go, I. So that's the. That's where I come in, is helping women deal with their relationship with themselves. So instead of seeing it is like, oh, this is like doomsday. It's like, no, okay. But if you started to give, like, what's missing in your life, what is actually missing in your life? That's. That's that you're feeling incomplete. And let's. Let's figure out a way to put money into those different buckets. Like, I'm talking about emotional money. Right. Time money. And, and it's. And it's the. The results have been amazing. Then she just feels better. She feels more energized. If she feels more energized, she feels better in her body. She's exercising more. She's eating better. She's feeling more vibrant. She's not. She's having days where she forgets that she's perimenopausal or menopausal. She Feels more like herself and then she wants to have more sex and everyone's happier.
- [50:01]
B
Yeah, it really is. I think a lot of people will go and say, like, okay, I'm gonna go to couples counseling. And the truth is, you know, to go back to your words, it begins with you. And I think that during that time, you are the last person. You know, people are not thinking about themselves at all during that, except trying to get. Trying to get through. Trying to just.
- [50:22]
A
Yeah. And then for the. And just trying to get through and. Because I know women who are. I have women in my life who are well past much older women, are well past menopause. And when I speak to them about when they went through menopause, they're like, I had no symptoms. And I've spoken to a lot of women like that. And they're like. And they're like, I don't understand what all this stuff is on social media, like, what's going on. And it's because their lives were actually much simpler.
- [50:53]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [50:54]
A
And I don't, you know, again, I haven't done any studies. I'm not an expert on this at all. But I just think it's was interesting that there was a lifestyle component to it. Now that is not to shame anyone, because I've got a really busy lifestyle too, but I do. We have to recognize that it is a delicate time where we need to be giving to ourselves and also women in general, regardless, you could be having like the best periods of your life and on point and nowhere near perimenopause. If you're not giving to yourself, you're going to get depleted. That's just sort of of our systems.
- [51:33]
B
Yeah. We forget that it's not a luxury to do that, that it's a necessity. And so in so many, for so many reasons, health and happiness and otherwise. If there's one piece of advice as we wrap up that you would share with a woman in midlife who is struggling with either dating or just being in a relationship long term, what would that piece of advice be?
- [51:51]
A
If she's dating and in a relationship long term and she's struggling, she has to figure out what the pattern is. You know, are you with the wrong person or are you struggling to communicate? Is there something going on in your life that's causing a lot of stress that you're then bringing to the relationship, but you don't even realize it? So you have to do a little digging for people who are dating. You have to be really, really careful not to. Not to tell Yourself, the story about age or anything like that. And I would actually something that's very helpful is find someone, whether it's. I don't care if it's a celebrity or a fictional character or something that you read, who is around your age, who is living the life that we never know, but is living a life that you really like or you see that they're in a marriage. Like, you have to, because we have mirror neurons in our eyes. You have to be able to see it that, like, there are women in midlife all over the place, like, like in amazing dating, in amazing relationships, having great sex, you know, doing all sorts of things. So we have to work so hard to fight that conditioning, and you just can't let that take over.
- [53:05]
B
Yes, we do. In so many different ways. So I will be on the rooftop shouting with you if you would like. It's such a pleasure, Jillian. It really, really is. Where can people find you?
- [53:15]
A
Yeah, well, so, Jillian Tearecki. So I'm on all over social media, Instagram, my website. I have a membership for women called the Conscious Woman. And then of course, my book and my podcast, Jillian on Love, Jillian, thank.
- [53:30]
B
You for the time today. I really, I really appreciate it. I look forward to getting to know you offline, too.
- [53:35]
A
Yes. Yeah, I appreciate that as well. I had a great time.
- [53:38]
B
Me too. Thank you. Oh, Jillian, we love you. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your wisdom with us. And I hope this interview has given you the confidence to love yourself first and to believe that a healthier, more experience, expansive love, really, as possible. If this conversation resonated with you, please share the episode with a friend. And you can always email me your questions and comments@podcastamsonfadell.com and subscribe to my YouTube channel for more relatable conversations each week. Thank you so much for being here and I'll see you next week on the Tamsen Show. The Tamson show is an original production by Authentic Wave executive producers Scott Weinberger, Kevin Bennett and Rebecca Grierson. Brand director Johanna Ofznik. Our line producer is Sabrina Sarre. Editing by Zach Smith and Marquis Harris. Time is precious, and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24. 7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.