A (0:00)

Okay, Tam fam, right now is your time to take care of you. Yes, I know the New Year's resolutions are behind us, but this is the time you should be doing this all the time. And who better to help you do it with than the top voices and wellbeing on Audible. We all want to feel better, but we're busy, right? And sometimes self care cannot be a spa day. So maybe it's about getting your brain back, sleeping through the night, feeling more confident. Whatever it is, here's what I love about the Audible well Being collection. It's practical, it's supportive, and it's right there when you need it. Whether you got 10 minutes in the car or maybe a walk around the block. I listen every morning during my morning walk and I love it. I look forward to it every day. There's an entire selection from best selling authors like Brene Brown or Jay Shetty. Master Nutrition with chef Jamie Oliver. You can hear nature, sleep sounds from the sleeping world or get on top of your finances with Rachel Rogers. Plus, you'll find all the best parenting guides like raising good humans at your fingertips. Kickstart your wellbeing journey with your first audiobook free when you sign up for a 30 day trial at audible.com Membership is $14.95 a month. After 30 days, cancel anytime. Listening to the top voices in well being sounds like self care to me. Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen. Hey everybody, welcome back. Today we are diving into a topic that I think every single one of us has struggled with, even if we don't say it out loud. I'm talking about confidence. So I want you to think back to when you were a kid. You didn't overthink if you were good enough. You just did it. You just like went out there and did it. You raised your hand, you sang too loud in the car or shower. You asked the question that you probably wouldn't ask today. That was confidence. And I think we all had it. And then little by little, life kind of chips away at it. All right, somebody laughed at you, a boss ignored your idea or thought it was stupid. Social media convinced you everyone else was ahead and without even noticing, you just stopped trusting yourself and started being really cautious. Here's the part that sticks with me. Every single day when I post on social media, I get a comment that says I love how confident you are or a DM that says I wish I was as confident as you are. How do you do that? And it actually breaks my heart because I know how Many of us are walking around feeling like we're missing something that we once had. So even if you felt that way, welcome. This is exactly why I created the Tamsen show. So we had a space to have the conversations we're not always encouraged to have about careers, relationships, aging, health. And yeah, confidence fits in there too. I don't want you to just listen to my story. I want you to see yourself in it. And before we go any further, please make sure you're part of this community. Hit follow on Apple or Spotify or subscribe and watch on YouTube so you never miss a new episode. And if you've been listening for a while and haven't left a review yet, that is the best way you can help us grow. It's how other people who need these conversations will actually find them. So if you hear something today that helps, you take a minute to leave a review. I read every single one of them. Here's what I want you to always remember. You didn't lose your confidence. It didn't vanish. It didn't go away. You're not gonna never get it back. It just got buried under years of comparison and doubt. And today we're gonna dig it back out. By the end of today's episode, you're gonna know how to stop rumination before it turns into that I'm just not enough. I'm not enough. I can't do it. I'm not enough voice in your head. You're gonna learn a CBT style interrupt that my therapist taught me that you can do anywhere. You're gonna learn how to build confidence through preparation and repetition so you don't have to wait to feel ready. You get ready. And the one promise habit. A tiny daily commitment that rebuilds self trust. Because confidence only can grow where trust lives. Plus, I'm never leaving out the science. You're gonna learn about Harvard backed research on posture and presence and how to apply it to your everyday life to feel more confident in any room you walk in from here on out. Confidence isn't something reserved for a select few. It's something you can practice, rebuild and carry with you into every part of your life. Whether that's speaking up at work, taking control of your health, or finally having the courage to say what you really want. Cause that's not always easy. So let's go ahead and get into it. When I was in my 40s, I sat behind a news desk every single night wearing little like dresses skirts. It was kind of part of the uniform. Polished, professional, put together, easy to Pick out every day. And then one night on my way home, I got an email that was forwarded me from a colleague. It was. It was from a male viewer who had been watching the newscast. It said my knees were saggy and I was too old to be wearing a skirt on television. And to cover them up. Yeah, it's real. Not what story I was covering. Not what he liked or didn't like about the newscast. Not that, like, the writing was off, but about my knees. And I would love to tell you that I was so cool that I laughed it off, but the truth is, it ate away at me. And if I'm being honest, I. I still think about that comment every single time I put on a dress that falls above my knees. Every time. Still, as ridiculous as I know it was. And I don't know about you, but have you ever had that one comment that you just couldn't let go? Maybe somebody told you that you couldn't do a certain job. Or maybe a parent said you were bad at math or singing or sports or speaking up. Maybe a partner made you feel smaller than you really are. It does not matter how many good things you've heard. It's that one line that still lives in your head. And here's why it happens. And I had to look into this because, like, why does that happen to all of us, it seems. Well, neuroscientists at the University of Chicago have found that our brains hold on to negative comments more tightly than positive ones. It's called a negativity bias. So if you've ever wondered why, like, why can't I just shake that off? It's not because you're weak. It's because you're human. The problem is, when we let that one comment play on repeat over and over, it can start to chip away at our confidence and we stop raising our hands. And maybe we don't speak up in meetings. Maybe we hide the parts of ourselves and slowly we start to believe that one person's opinion is the truth. Here's the good news. Once you understand how your brain actually works, you can start to work with it, not against it. You can learn how to interrupt the rumination, how to reframe the story, and how to stop let somebody else's comment or ridiculous email define you. So the first tool I want to share with you comes from cbt, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. And I've become a master at it. Before you just tune out, this is not therapy jargon. CBT is one of the most researched forms of therapy we Have. And I had no idea what it was until I met my therapist, who has helped me in so many ways. The whole idea is simple. Your thoughts create your feelings, and your feelings drive your actions. So if you can catch and reshape a thought, you can change the chain reaction that follows. I've been doing this type of therapy for a long time, and it's helped me tremendously in certain situations, in and out, especially when it comes to rumination. Those are the loops that play in your head on repeat. You know the ones like one comment, one mistake, one thing that happened, one moment you wish you could take back. This gave me a system for breaking those loops instead of letting them run the show, because I promise, those are the things that could keep me awake at night, could totally paralyze me with fear, and could make me not want to do anything else going forward or be bold. So the first step is to notice it. In cbt, this is called thought monitoring. The first step is paying attention to what's actually running through your head. Because, like, we have, like, 60 to 70,000 thoughts a day, and we're only aware of a tiny fraction of it. So the very first move is to notice that loop. Like, literally sometimes I say to myself, oh, I'm replaying that email again, and it's been 30 minutes. I have to name that. So some of it loses its grip. My therapist had me write these things down. What triggered the thought, how strong it felt, so I could actually see the patterns and that I was in. And I would love for you guys to try that, too. Write down those thoughts so you can actually see those patterns in front of you and let me know if that helps. Step two. Say stop. This is called thought stopping. It almost sounds like ridiculously simple, right? But it works. The point isn't to erase the thought. It's to cut its momentum. In therapy, they'll probably tell you to picture a big red stop sign or say the word stop firmly, even out loud. It interrupts the automatic cycle and gives you a beat to choose what's next. And I felt ridiculous at first thinking about it or doing it. But I do it, and sometimes I do it a lot in a day. Step 3. Get moving. Rumination lives in your body. Your shoulders get, like, tense. Your stomach gets in knots. You know, that awful feeling. Your jaw clenches. One of the fastest ways to break the loop is to change your physical state. In cbt, this overlaps with something called behavioral activation. Go walk, stretch, wash a dish, clean a drawer. For me personally, I organize things I organize my closet, I organize a drawer, I organize a kitchen cabinet. It gets me out of my head and into my body. And it resets the loop. And step four, try to replace it. This is really at the heart of cbt, cognitive restructuring. You can't just rip a thought out. You have to put something more balanced in instead of, you're too old to wear skirts. I might remind myself one viewer out of all the years of broadcast in 30 years had that opinion. But that doesn't erase my 30 years of experience. My therapist even had me write down evidence for and against the thought and then create a new one that was more grounded in. Like, grounded in reality. When you practice a sequence, notice, stop, move, replace, you actually retrain your brain. So the thoughts may still pop up, but they're not gonna control you. And that's where confidence begins. Not in never doubting yourself, cause it's gonna happen. But in knowing how to interrupt doubt before it runs your life. The second tool I wanna share with you is all about preparation and repetition. I think I learned this early in my career, but I maybe didn't realize it at the time. It honestly changed everything for me. So many of us wait to feel confident before we take the leap. Whether it's speaking up in a meeting, going on a date, getting up on stage and speaking. Confidence doesn't come first. It just. It does not. Confidence does. Confidence is the byproduct of being prepared and practicing until your brain and your body know what to do. Any public speaker will tell you that. Think about it. When you studied for a test in school, you just walk in confident because you were born with it. Well, maybe some of you were, but I wasn't. You walked in confident because you had done the reps. You practiced, rehearsed, reviewed, went over it and over it again. Your nervous system recognized the material, and that's the science here. Repetition wires the brain. So every time you practice, you strengthen a neural pathway which then lowers the resistance the next time you try. Some psychologists call this the confidence competence loop. And that's sophisticated. For me, it's the more you prepare, the more competent you feel. And the more competent you feel, the more confident you can become. And for me, it showed up on camera. When I first started anchoring the news, I was not confident at all. My voice shook, my hand shook. I had this pit in my stomach. I would sweat. I went home sure I was going to be fired every single day. But instead of waiting for confidence to magically appear, I doubled down on preparation. I went in Early, I wrote my scripts. I rehearsed them in front of the mirror. I did it again and again. I watched tape of myself. I cringed in the edit bay. I kept going. Over time, it stopped being terrifying, but not because the nerves disappeared, but because my preparation actually kicked in. So I wanted to put together some ways you can use this in your own life. The big one. So for me, it was public speaking that always made me really nervous. If you have a speech or a presentation, I want you to run it out loud 3, 4, 5 times, not just in your head. I want you to record it, play it back. You're going to hate the sound of your own voice at first, because everybody does. I can barely listen to myself doing this some days. But the familiarity starts to build comfort, and that's when you're going to start feeling better about it. So when you actually go and do it, it's not gonna feel as scary. I'm not saying you're not gonna be nervous, but you're going to be familiar with the material. If you're going out on a date, meeting somebody new, I want you to prep a couple of questions that you're genuinely curious about. I'm not saying to be fake. I'm not saying to make things up. I'm not saying to sound like a robot. But it can free you from the what do I say next? Panic, which always sucks. Another one. If you wanna work out but feel intimidated, walking into the gym, where everybody seems to know everything about every piece of equipment, rehearse the routine at home, watch a video, mimic the moves, then walk into the gym knowing your body already has at least somewhat of a blueprint. It's not glamorous, it's not rocket science. It's not a quick fix. But preparation and repetition are what turn shaky first steps into confidence that you can actually feel the people that you're looking at and comparing yourself to and saying, oh, my gosh, they're so confident. I can't believe how she takes a stage. Or oh, my gosh, his podcast is amazing. How does he do that? What you're really seeing is hours of invisible preparation. And I promise you, it's something that you can do, too. Before we move into the next part of this conversation, I wanna pause for a moment, because when we talk about confidence, we often treat it like it lives only in our heads. But confidence isn't just a mindset. It actually lives in your body. And I have learned this over and over again in my own life when I'm running on empty When I'm not sleeping well, when my energy is low, or my health just feels off, it is so much harder to feel confident, even when I know I'm totally capable of it. For a long time I thought confidence was about just pushing through and telling myself, okay, come on, you gotta get it together and like work harder. You've got this. But what I've realized is that when your body doesn't feel good, your brain really has a hard time showing up for you. It's why I've been listening to Reset yout Health with Jamie Oliver on audible. Yes, that Jamie Oliver. That's the one. The chef who has spent decades making food, health and cooking feel more accessible and a whole lot less intimidating. This is his first ever podcast and is a really thoughtful, practical series where he sits down with leading health experts to talk about what actually happens when it comes to our bodies. In this series, Jamie and his guests get into things so many of us are confused or overwhelmed by gut health cravings, blood sugar, sleep, metabolism, aging, and why so many of us feel exhausted by a lot of the wellness advice out there right now. What I really appreciate is that this isn't about diets or rules or trying to be perfect all the time. It's about actually understanding how your body works and what small realistic changes can actually help you feel better without you feeling shame and without you trying to do it all at once. Because that just it doesn't work. Each episode breaks down the science in a way that's actually easy to follow and easy to use. And here's what I found. You walk away from this with clarity and with takeaways that are practical that you can apply in your everyday life. Not this long list of all these things that you're just doing wrong and you're never gonna figure out. Here's why this matters for confidence. As far as I'm concerned, when you start taking care of your health in a way that makes sense to you, and when you actually really understand what your body needs and you respond to it with consistency instead of being critical all the time, that's when you can really start trusting yourself again. And that self trust shows up in how you walk into a room, how you speak up for yourself, and how you show up in everyday life. Confidence is not just about what you're telling yourself in the mirror every day. It's about how steady you feel in your own body. And Reset your health with Jamie Oliver is a really powerful place to start. That reset kickstart your well being journey with your first audiobook free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com TAMSN membership is $14.95 a month. After 30 days, cancel anytime. Listening to the top voices and well being sounds like self care to me. Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen all right, let's get back into number three. The third tool is what I call the one Promise habit. Here's the thing. Confidence is not just about how you show up in front of other people. It's about how you show up for yourself. If you are constantly breaking promises to yourself, your brain keeps the receipts. You stop trusting yourself. I mean, think about it. How many times have you said I'm gonna get up early tomorrow to work out. I probably even said it to myself today. And then you hit snooze for 15 minutes or 30 minutes or 45 minutes and then it's too late or I'm not gonna check my email before bed. And there you are, scrolling at midnight while you're watching Netflix. Not going to sleep. Each time you break one of those micro promises, it starts to chip away at your self trust. And without self trust, confidence can't stick. Here's where the science part comes in. Behavioral psychologists have shown that even tiny, tiny acts of consistency, doing it over and over, rewire how we see ourselves. In cbt, this connects to behavioral activation, proving to your brain through action that you're somebody who follows through, somebody who can be trusted. Over time, your identity shifts from I never can stick to anything. It's just too hard for me to. I do what I say I'll do. When I was working in news, I used to set myself up for failure by making these grandioso promises to myself. I'm going to memorize the entire script before I go on air. I'm going to know all of it, or I'll work out six days this week before work. And then I'd break them almost instantly, not intending to. But it just happened. So instead I started smaller. One promise every day. Something so achievable and easy it was almost laughable. Like drinking a glass of water before coffee or putting my clothes out the night before. Here's the magic. It didn't matter how small the promise was. What mattered was keeping it. Every time I followed through, I built a little brick of self trust, a little habit. And then those bricks add up. I want to show you how you can do that too. Pick a promise a day. Just one. One promise. Not ten. Not five. Just one. Whatever you want it to be. Just write it down now. Next. Make it so doable you can't fail. Take a five minute walk. Send that one email, write down three things you're grateful for. Then I want you to track it, I want you to write it in your notes app. Check it off on paper, which I always like to do. Tell a friend. Because when your brain sees the evidence, the self trust gets reinforced. Do this long enough and you're gonna stop asking yourself, can I trust myself? Because you've proven you can. And when you trust yourself, you're gonna walk into the room taller. And that's when someone's going to say, wow, they're so confident. The next tool I want to share with you comes straight out of Harvard Business School. And no, I did not go there. But I read it and studied it. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy did some of the most well known research on what's called power posing her TED talk and you've got to check it out is one of the most watched in the world for a good reason. Here's what the research shows. Your posture changes your psychology. So when you shrink your body or cross your arms or hunt your shoulders, eyes down, your brain gets this message like, oh, I'm small and I'm insecure. When you take up space, your brain hears, I belong here. So I started testing it out in small ways. Before walking into a meeting with execs, I'd go into the bathroom, stand up, plant my feet, roll my shoulders. I'd go up, back, and then drop them. Breathe like two minutes in and out. That's it. Real simple. By the time I walked out, I wasn't just pretending confidence, I was actually feeling it. My body had signaled to my brain that I was ready. So here's how you can use it in life. Because I know a lot of us get nervous when it's a new situation or even if it's something you do all the time before a presentation, you, an interview, a hard conversation. I want you to try it with me. Now. Stand up. If you're sitting feet hip width apart, raise your chin just slightly and put your shoulders back. How does that feel in the moment? Scan your body. Are you shrinking? Crossed arms, rounded spine. I want you to open up. Release your hands. You see, I talk with my hands all the time. Release your hands, plant your feet, lift your chest, and then pair it with some breath. Breath is really important. I'm even trying to teach my husband how to breathe right. Slow inhales, slow exhale. We're never taught to do this stuff. Confidence isn't loud. It is simply steady. And I know you might be thinking like, okay, Tamsen, I don't wanna be fake all the time. Like, that's not really me. This isn't about faking it. It's about reminding your nervous system that you're safe. Like it's going to be okay. I want you to hear me say that it is going to be okay. You're safe, you're capable, and you're allowed to take up space. And when you walk into a room with that kind of energy, people feel it before you say a thing. All right, now let's pull all this together. Jay, we talked about four tools that can help you start rebuilding your confidence right now. How to interrupt the rumination with a CBT style reset so that one comment doesn't ruin your day or your life. How preparation and repetition turn into competence and confidence. How the one promise habit rebuilds your self trust brick by brick. And how that Harvard backed research on posture and presence that I love can literally shift your state in just two minutes. None of these are theoretical. These are actions that you can take today, in real life, in real moments. Like right now. While you're listening to this, here's what I hope you remember though. More than anything, confidence isn't about never feeling nervous or never hearing that voice in your head again. It's about knowing you have tools to move through it. It's about showing up for yourself when you say you will. It's about allowing yourself to take up space in every room that you go into. I don't care if it's a date. I don't care if it's on a stage or in the middle of an auditorium. So if you try any of these this week, I would love to hear how it goes. Tag me on Instagram, send me a dm, share your story in a review. I read all of them and they really are my favorite way to connect with you. If you haven't hit follow or subscribe yet, do that now so you don't miss next week's episode. We have some incredible conversations ahead that you don't want to miss. I'm Tamsen Fadal. Until next time, live your someday today. Okay, Tam Fam. Quick reminder. It is time to take care of you. And honestly, who better to help you do that than the top voices in Wellbeing on Audible? No matter what you're working on right now, whether it's your sleep, a relationship, your mindset, your money, your parenting, audible has something that can support you in a way that fits into your everyday. Here's why I love Audible cause I listen to it every morning on my morning walks. It is so easy. And I learned something you can listen to bestselling authors like Brene Brown and Jay Shetty. Get inspired in the kitchen with Chef Jamie Oliver and find parenting favorites like Raising Good Humans. Kickstart your well being journey with your first audiobook. Free when you sign up for a 30 day trial@audible.com Membership is $14.95 a month. After 30 days you can cancel at any time.