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Okay Tam fam, right now is your time to take care of you. Yes, I know the New Year's resolutions are behind us, but this is the time you should be doing this all the time. And who better to help you do it with than the top voices and wellbeing on Audible. We all want to feel better, but we're busy, right? And sometimes self care cannot be a spa day. So maybe it's about getting your brain back, sleeping through the night, feeling more confident. Whatever it is, here's what I love about the Audible well Being collection. It's practical, it's supportive, and it's right there when you need it, whether you got 10 minutes in the car or maybe a walk around the block. I listen every morning during my morning walk and I love it. I look forward to it every day. There's an entire selection from best selling authors like Brene Brown or Jay Shetty. Master Nutrition with chef Jamie Oliver. You can hear nature sleep sounds from the sleeping world or get on top of your finances with Rachel Rogers. Plus, you'll find all the best parenting guides like raising good humans at your fingertips. Kickstart your wellbeing journey with your first audiobook free when you sign up for a 30 day trial at audible.com Membership is $14.95 a month. After 30 days, cancel anytime. Listening to the top voices in well being sounds like self care to me. Audible there's more to imagine when you listen. If you have ever had your life fall apart in front of you, this episode's for you. Yep, we're getting vulnerable today. I'm gonna share what my divorce taught me about starting over, and it's not always an easy conversation for me to have. I want you to start here though, because if you are in the middle of one right now, or if you're still healing from one that ended years ago or you're dealing with a breakup, I want you to know this. I see you. I know how heavy it feels. I know what it's like to wake up and not recognize your life anymore. And to go from building a future with somebody to sitting in an empty apartment wondering what the hell just happened. I've been there and I promise you are not alone. When I was going through it, though, I thought I was the only one. I thought everybody else was moving forward while I was falling apart. And I kept telling myself I needed closure because before I could even think about starting over, I learned a lot of things in my divorce. Closure didn't come when the papers were signed. It came the day I decided this is my closure. I don't need to keep waiting for someone else to hand it to me. Here's the thing. Loneliness after divorce or during divorce isn't just about missing a person. I truly think it's about losing a part of your identity. I didn't just lose a partner. I lost a version of myself I thought I was supposed to be. I lost the story I had been telling myself about what my life was gonna look like. And that's where I think the real grief comes in. Grieving the future you thought you were going to have. But divorce also taught me something I didn't expect. You're allowed to change. You're allowed to take the pieces of yourself, the lessons, the wins, the scars, the mistakes, all of it, and rebuild something new again. Not with a perfect plan, but in small, everyday ways that slowly remind you I'm still here. I'm still capable. I can still stand on my own two feet. And I had to have people remind me of that all the time. In today's episode, I want to share with you the biggest lessons I learned from my own divorce, the ones that I carried with me through the grief, the loneliness, and the fear of starting over. And by the end of this conversation, you're going to know why it's better to actually be alone than lonely with someone. Why closure doesn't come in a piece of paper. It comes from a decision you make. Why some friendships are meant for a season and how to let them go without losing yourself. And why grief doesn't have to be a setback, but a part of healing. And maybe the most important one for me in all this is how I learned that I was just as capable on my own. Before we dive in, let me say this. If this podcast has been a place where you felt less alone, or maybe you've learned something along the way from one of our conversations or felt a little bit lighter. I'd love it if you left a review on Apple or Spotify. It's not just about growing the show. It's about how other women who need these conversations actually find them. And I read every single one of your notes. They really motivate me. So if something resonates with you today, if you could take a second to share it, because this is not just my story. I want you to feel stronger, not smaller, in your own story. So let's get into it. So this is a lesson that my dad taught me. It's better to be alone than lonely with somebody. My dad used to say it all the time I had no idea what he was talking about for years. I'd be like, okay, that sounds nice, but I don't get what you're even talking about. Here's what he met and he reminded me of it again at my lowest point of my marriage. And it's when it clicked. The truth was, I was lonelier in my relationship than I ever was on my own. And if you've ever been like that, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You can be sitting next to somebody and feel miles apart. You can be watching television with them and just not even know they're there. You can be sitting across a table and kind of feel like you've disappeared. That kind of loneliness is heavier than sitting in an empty apartment by yourself. Which I did that too. So trust me. Because when you are alone, alone, at least you're dealing with that. Or you're getting stronger somehow, or you're occupying yourself with something, or you're growing. But when you're lonely inside of a marriage, you really start to question, what's wrong with me? Why can't I fix this? What do I need to do to make this better? Here's what I want you to hear. Being lonely in a relationship doesn't mean you've failed. It can mean you've outgrown a dynamic that no longer sees you. Psychologists, and, you know, I like to bring up the science part, have a name for it. Social disconnection. It's not about how many people around you and how many masses of followers you have. It's about whether you feel understood. And when that's missing, there's no amount of companionship that can fill the gap. So here's what worked for me. I stopped seeing loneliness as pain, and I started seeing it as information. It was actually telling me something. Loneliness was telling me what I craved. To be seen, to be heard, to connect with somebody. And when I stopped fighting that and I really understood it, I was able to build connections in new places. With friends, with family, at work, and the most important place with myself. Here's what also shifted when I made that choice. I stopped walking on eggshells. If you've ever done that, you know it sucks. I stopped begging for crumbs of connection that weren't coming. I started reclaiming little pieces of myself. Taking myself out to dinner, saying yes to invitations I may have turned down because I didn't want to show up somewhere alone. Even learning to enjoy my own company again. Walking around New York City, just taking time to think and Be by myself. It wasn't dramatic. The. These were just quiet steps, and I didn't even know at the time that's what was happening. But each one reminded me I was capable on my own. So today, when I look back at my dad's words. Well, you know how parents. Words are always like, the right words. You just don't realize it at the time. They don't just feel like advice. They feel like a compass. Because that lesson gave me courage to leave a life that was shrinking me. And it continues to guide me in every relationship I have now, no matter what kind of relationship it is, I know what it feels like to abandon myself. And I will never, ever do it again. Choosing to be alone over being lonely with somebody is not a step backward. It's a beginning of finding the relationships that actually fit you. Lesson 2. Closure does not come from papers. It comes from you. When I was in the thick of my divorce. And if you guys have been through one, you know that, like, there is this sort of timeline. It all follows, right? You've made the decision. You file for divorce. Now, there's these. There could be this negotiation or fight, and I'm sorry if you're dealing with that. And then there's these papers that have to be signed. And once these papers are signed, sealed, and delivered, you think everything's gonna be okay. And then that's when it's finalized. That's when the divorce is final and you'll have closure. But when that envelope arrived, it didn't feel like relief. It just was like a thud. It was just paperwork. There was no ceremony. There was no magic moment. None of that is when the pain lifted, I realized that that piece of paper or papers couldn't give me what I was craving. What I learned is this. Closure is not something you wait for. It's something you decide. For me, it happened like, on an ordinary Tuesday night. I was sitting at home, exhausted from the weight of what had been, and just thinking, like, I don't need to keep replaying this over and over. I get to close this chapter because I say so. And that was the moment. Not the court stamp, not my signature. It was my choice. And I think that made me feel a little bit bolder. And maybe you felt this, too. Maybe you've been waiting for someone to apologize, to explain, to finally see the hurt that they caused so they really understand. If you think I could just have that, if I could just have that, then I could move on. But the truth is, you don't need their permission. You don't need validation. Closure comes the second you decide to stop giving your energy to the past. So I beg you, if nothing else, if you stop listening right now, to figure out a way to do that. Here's the next way I put it into practice. Every time my mind went back to the what ifs, I would tell myself, that story's over, I'm writing a new one. And sometimes I had to say it like 10 times a day. Sometimes I wrote it down, but each time I pulled a little bit more of myself into the present because it was hard. And now I do not look at closure as a finish line anymore. It's not something I wait for. It's just a boundary. It's me saying, this chapter does not define me anymore. That shift gave me the freedom to stop reliving the end and start looking toward a new beginning. Before we move into the next lesson, I wanna pause here for a moment because there's another part of starting over after divorce that I did not talk about for a really long time because I didn't know how. And that's money. When my marriage ended, I found myself nearly $130,000 in debt. And I'm not sharing that for shock value. I'm sharing it because it completely changed the way I thought about money, about shame, and especially about independence. At the time, I was trying to hold everything together emotionally. I was grieving, I was exhausted, I was trying to rebuild my life. And money felt like this looming thing that I did not have the energy to face. I thought if I just ignored it long enough, maybe eventually I just felt figure it out, it would solve itself somehow. But what I learned is that money doesn't stay quiet, especially when you're going through a huge life change. It just kind of sits there and it creates this noise in the back of your head and it creates a lot of anxiety. It makes you feel stuck. And for a lot of women, it comes with unnecessary shame. But I didn't need just motivation. I needed real clarity. I needed somebody to slow it all down for me and walk through what my options actually were without judging me and without making me feel like I had messed everything up and it was kind of hopeful, hopeless. This is what I wish I had when I was going through my divorce. Your debt plan Reclaim your life and get Paid is an Audible audiobook by Rachel Rogers, a financial expert and best selling author who has been really open about her own journey, paying off debt and then rebuilding her financial life from the ground up. In this audiobook, Rachel just doesn't talk about numbers. She talks about the emotional side of debt because it's real, and why so many of us feel ashamed about money, why we avoid looking at it altogether, and how to start taking back control without feeling overwhelmed or behind. Rachel breaks down different types of debt, helps you understand what matters first, and then walks you through how to create a realistic, step by step plan that fits your life as it is right now, not some perfect version of someday. Here's what I really appreciated though, is that this is not about quick fixes or bootstrap advice. It's about reclaiming your agency. It's about shifting from feeling stuck and ashamed to feeling really informed and capable. Because that is the most important thing. You have to be educated about it. And when you've just come through something as disorienting as divorce, trust me, that sense of steadiness? It matters more than anything in the world. So this is for you. If you are in a season of rebuilding, especially after a major life change, I promise you this is a listen that can help you feel more grounded and and more confident about your money and also your next steps. Kickstart your wellbeing journey with your first audiobook. Free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial@audible.com TAMSN membership is 14.95amonth. After 30 days, cancel anytime. Listening to the top voices in wellbeing sounds like self care to me. Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen okay, now let's go ahead and get back to the conversation and move into lesson three. Lesson number three Friendships change. And that's okay, even though it may not feel like it at the time. One of the things no one told me about divorce is how much it reshapes your friendships. I thought I was losing a marriage, but in some ways I lost parts of my community too. Some of my married friends, people I had dinner with each week, suddenly did not know what to do with me anymore. And it wasn't malicious. It's not their fault, but I could feel it. Invitations stopped coming. The phone didn't ring as much. I was no longer part of this couple. And for some people, that was enough to make me feel like I didn't fit into their world. And then there were the surprises. They were the friends who showed up in ways I never expected. The one who called me every single morning at 7 o' clock in the morning just to check in before her day started. Every morning. The one who let me cry through an entire dinner and never made me feel guilty for Ruining the night. The ones who showed up unexpected. The ones who reminded me I wasn't broken, even when I felt like I was. Here's what I've learned. Divorce acts like a filter in some ways. Some friendships are for a season, some are for a reason, and some they're still going on today. Even when you're going through something this hard, I think you really can quickly find out which is which. And at first it hurt. I felt like, oh, my gosh. I want to hold on to every single person. I want to explain myself to make sure that nobody misunderstands what happened, to keep everything just the way it was, because that felt safe. What I didn't realize is I didn't owe anybody an explanation. And the people who truly cared, they didn't need one. They weren't looking for an explanation. They were just looking for me to continue to be part of their lives. And now, over a decade later, I can tell you this. I will never forget. I am so grateful for the friendships that stayed. And I'm just as grateful for the ones that ended, actually, because the people who stayed became my family. And the ones that drifted away, they gave me space for some of the new relationships I have right now. Some of the parts of my community who feel much more authentic and much more aligned at who I've become. So if you were in the middle of that shift, I am so sorry, first of all, because I know it's never easy, whether the divorce was your idea or the breakup was your idea or not. But here's what I want you to know. It is not rejection. It is a redirection. Because friendships, no matter what, really evolve. The gift of what you're going through right now, if you can find a gift, is clarity. You can stop wasting time on people who cannot meet you where you are and start really paying attention to the ones who do know where you are. My friend, Mina B. A therapist who has been on the Tamsen show, We did a whole episode talking about friendships, different types of friendships, what each one is, how many different types of friends you have. If you wanna check it out, there's a link in the show notes for you. Okay. Lesson number four. Life is not linear. And grief is the proof of that. When my marriage ended, I thought grief would look like tears, sadness, and then it would go away a little bit, and then it would be gone. What I didn't expect was this quiet kind of ache of realizing that the future that I had planned or I thought I was moving toward was no longer there. It was. It was gone. And it wasn't about losing a partner. It was about losing the story. The vacations we had taken, the ones I thought we were gonna take. Traditions, things we started that we were no longer gonna complete. Just simple things like Sunday mornings, holidays, being around family. All the things that I thought were set in stone. All of it just evaporated. And I realized it was all temporary. Here's the part I never heard anybody talk about. I didn't just lose my marriage. I lost my timeline. You know that line, you go to school, you meet a person, you get married, you build a life, you do all the right things. And yet here I was, like, sitting in this rubble of a plan, wondering what it said about me and how I had failed. There were mornings I couldn't get out of bed. Not because I missed him, but because I didn't know who I was without my story. And there were nights I would sit across from my friends at dinner downtown in the West Village, laughing at the right times, nodding along like I was on the outside looking in, thinking like, I don't even belong here anymore. I don't know where I belong. And I'll be honest, there were days I was angry at myself for still feeling like that. I'd hear that little voice, you should be over this by now. Other people have it much worse. Move on. But shame doesn't speed up grief. It makes it heavier. Grief doesn't follow a straight line. It's not like a timeline where you can check it off and be like, okay, this day's done. Now I feel better. Now I feel better because one day you're feeling great, and you're like, I've got this. And the next day, you're crying in your car because a song came on the radio that you remember. Or you're standing at the grocery store remembering your favorite cereal you shared together. That does not mean you're back at square one. It just means you're human. Grief is not only death or divorce. I pretty much think it's any time life doesn't go the way you thought it would. Losing a job, not having kids when you thought you would, ending a friendship, even Aging can bring on its own kind of grief. I've talked about grief. When it comes to menopause, it is the gap between the picture in your head and the reality that's in front of you. I used to think grief meant I was stuck. Now I see it for what it really is. Proof that I cared, that I invested, that I showed up fully and it hurt, yes. Sometimes I felt broken wide open. But it also gave me a place for the life I get to live right now. And trust me, life does not happen the way we planned. Didn't your parents tell you that? Mine did. And I never believed it. I thought, I'm going to have the perfect plan. Honestly, I'm thankful it doesn't. Because sometimes what feels like the ending is actually just that messy middle. And it's where some of the real growth happens. Lesson five. I was just as capable on my own. After my divorce, the loudest question in my head wasn't, will I ever fall in love again? It was, can I really do this by myself? The silence in my apartment was deafening. There were nights I would leave the TV on for background noise, sleep on the couch because the quiet felt unbearable. I'd walk into the kitchen, I'd like stare in the refrigerator, shut it again. Not cause I was hungry, because I just didn't know what to do with myself. Small choices felt very, very heavy when no one else was there. And for a long time, I equated alone with less than. Less secure, less wanted, less desirable. I thought strength had to come in pairs. I thought that purpose had to be tethered to someone else. And then I realized something that felt really small, but monumental. You guys know on social media I've talked a lot about taking myself out to dinner alone. Because I think it's a big thing sitting at a table for one, fighting my urgency to grab my phone as a shield. And just sitting there was a big deal. At first, I felt like every eye in the room was on me. Even though they were not watching me, they were eating. I felt like people were whispering, she gonna get a date? She's here alone. But something shifted. Nobody gave a crap. Nobody cared. And I realized that maybe I didn't need to care either. That dinner that night became the start of a practice over and over again. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone, going to a Broadway show alone, traveling alone. At first it was awkward and scary. With each step, I collected proof that I can enjoy my own company. And then I found out I loved it. I'd fill my weekends like so excited to be with myself, doing what I wanted to do, improving. I could stand on my own two feet. And that's when the self trust started to grow. Because what being on your own really teaches you, that sometimes we forget when we get into a relationship, is that you don't have to have somebody else to rely on. You can rely on yourself first. You can want somebody else to rely on and enjoy having somebody else there. But you need to be able to trust yourself. When you do that, everything changes. Here's what I learned. Being on my own didn't shrink me. It didn't make me smaller or less important. It actually gave me a lot of room to build my life on my own terms and to become who I am today. I got to choose who came into my life and who no longer had a seat at my table. And that was really, really important to validate on my own. If you are listening right now and you're in a raw space and you're saying, like Tamsin, the weekends feel terrible. I'm staring at them and they're endless. I can't wait until Monday. Or your bed feels too big all of a sudden. I want you to know that you are more capable than you believe. You won't just get through it. You're going to come out of it with a kind of strength that nobody is ever going to be able to take away from you again. That's my hope for you. And one day you're gonna look back at this season of your life and realize that being alone was the very thing that built you into somebody unshakable. That's it for today's episode of the Tamsen Show. If you have been through a breakup or a divorce or you're in the middle of that right now, I want you to know this. You are not broken. You are not alone. And you're not done. You're unfinished. These lessons were not easy for me to learn. They really weren't. They took a long time, a number of years. Some of them came through a lot of tears, a lot of silence, a lot of therapy, long nights of doubt. But every single one of them brought me right here to a place where I feel like I can share them with you and maybe make your path a little bit lighter. If this conversation helped you in any way, I'd be so grateful if you left a review on Apple or Spotify. It's how other people who are searching, maybe in the dark right now, can find this show. I. I read every one of your comments because you all mean so much to me. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. And remember, you're going into your next chapter. Until next time, live your someday today. Okay, Tam fam, Quick reminder. It is time to take care of you. And honestly, who better to help you do that than the top voices in wellbeing on audible. No matter what you're working on right now. Whether it's your sleep, a relationship, your mindset, your money, your parenting, Audible has something that can support you in a way that fits into your everyday here's why I love Audible Cause I listen to it every morning on my morning walks. It is so easy. And I learned something you can listen to bestselling authors like Brene Brown and Jay Shetty. Get inspired in the kitchen with chef Jamie Oliver and find parenting favorites like Raising Good Humans. Kickstart your wellbeing journey with your first audiobook. First free when you sign up for a 30 day trial@Audible.com Membership is 14.95amonth. After 30 days, you can cancel at any time.