The Tamsen Show

Episode Title: The Real Reason You Feel Stuck (and How to Fix It)
Host: Tamsen Fadal
Guest: Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy, author of Connectability)
Date: November 5, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Emmy-winning journalist Tamsen Fadal explores the pervasive feeling of being "stuck"—socially, emotionally, and in relationships—especially among women in midlife. Her guest is Anna Runkle, trauma expert, YouTube creator, and author of the new book Connectability. Together, they unravel why so many people struggle with isolation and disconnection, the hidden roots in childhood trauma and nervous system dysregulation, and—importantly—offer compassionate, practical steps to break avoidant patterns and build genuine connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Epidemic of Modern Loneliness

• Social Disconnection Since the Pandemic ([02:33]–[03:39])
  • Both Fadal and Runkle note a growing sense of disconnection regardless of age or online engagement.
  • The pandemic provided space for isolation, making socializing even harder to resume.
  • Chronic isolation develops gradually, with serious emotional and health costs.

"We start to slip into this chronic isolation without even realizing that's what we're doing. And there's a big cost to that, many costs to it." — Anna Runkle [03:25]

2. Trauma, Nervous System Dysregulation, and Connection

• Personal Story and Trauma Background ([05:12]–[10:34])

  • Anna shares her upbringing in a neglectful, chaotic household and her coping mechanisms that enabled survival but led to chronic adult stress and complex PTSD.
  • She explains how unresolved trauma directly impacts adult relationships, cognition, and even physical health.

• Dysregulation Explained ([16:59]–[18:11])

  • Dysregulation involves the nervous system becoming "jittery," making everyday tasks and relationships feel overwhelming.
  • People with childhood trauma are particularly vulnerable, staying dysregulated longer and more often.

"Your whole nervous system can just sort of get jittery. ... But people who had a lot of trauma as kids have some kind of injury that's operating there. We certainly have more dysregulation than your average person." — Anna Runkle [17:15]

3. Covert Avoidance & ‘Crap-Fitting’

• Covert Avoidance, or Why We Hide ([01:49], [24:41], [27:41])
  • Solitude and self-care are healthy, but when isolation becomes the primary way to cope, deep connection suffers.
  • Many high-functioning people unconsciously use covert avoidance—avoiding meaningful connection while appearing socially engaged.
• Crap-Fitting: Normalizing Bad Behavior ([31:24]–[32:47])
  • Trauma survivors often adapt to toxic or unsatisfying relationships ("crap-fitting"), overlooking red flags due to ingrained habits from childhood.

"You fit yourself to crap... you become adept at like, it's okay, this person's awful to me... but it's okay, I'm such a good girl, I can just kind of deal with it. I'm thick-skinned— that's crap fitting." — Anna Runkle [31:37]

4. Breaking the Pattern: Practical Tools for Connectability

• The Daily Practice ([12:59], [20:50])

  • Anna describes a writing and meditation practice to process and release fearful, resentful thoughts—developed from twelve-step traditions and her own healing journey.
  • This practice fosters nervous system regulation, which is foundational for healthy relationships.

• Regulating in the Moment ([20:50])

  • Physical movement, exposure to nature, and body awareness as immediate strategies for self-regulation.
  • Regular, gentle exposure to social situations helps rebuild “the connection muscle.”

"If you could do one thing, I would say move your body. Move your body in any way that you're able. If you can move your body outside, that's twice as good." — Anna Runkle [21:28]

5. Building Connection: Small Steps & Setting Boundaries

• Gradual Reconnection ([39:09]–[41:07])
  • Connection skills are like muscles: rebuild gradually and gently.
  • Start by leaving the house, saying hello to neighbors, reconnecting with an old friend—assigning “points” for each small act.
• Boundaries Make Connection Possible ([41:08])
  • Boundaries allow for finite, manageable interactions, safeguarding energy and well-being.

"You must practice. You cannot learn it in isolation. There’s not a lot of things we can do in isolation." — Anna Runkle [40:18]

6. Relationship Red Flags & Raising Standards

• Avoiding Re-Traumatization ([31:17]–[33:42])
  • Learn to spot and avoid toxic patterns; trust emerges with healing and supportive relationships.
  • Be prepared for some relationships to fade as you grow—some people will struggle with your positive changes.

"As you heal, you begin to be able to do gut checks on things... be around people like other people who are also healing, who get it, who aren’t going to undermine your efforts." — Anna Runkle [33:00]

7. Repairing Conflicts: Direct Apologies

• How to De-escalate and Rebuild ([34:52]–[39:09])
  • When conversations get heated, pause and care for both your own and the other person’s dignity and security.
  • Offer clean, unconditional apologies—focus only on your part, without qualifiers.

"If you really want to do the proper apology, you focus entirely on your part... I imagine it felt like this. And I'm really sorry. And here's what I'm going to do so that I don't do that anymore... No qualifiers, no conditions." — Anna Runkle [38:20]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Social Rustiness Post-Pandemic:
  "We got rusty in a way that's been hard to come back from, where just doing anything with people is a little more stressful than it used to be." — Anna Runkle [24:24]

• On Avoidant Behavior in Ourselves:
  "But the thing that's going to change your life is when you start looking at, am I avoidant? Do I have narcissistic behaviors? ... If you're doing that all the time in the people you choose to populate your life, guess who's avoidant?" — Anna Runkle [27:41]

• On 'The Wall' of Disconnection:
  "But this feeling like there's a wall between me and other people, that they're kind of all in a world where they got the memo on how you're supposed to get along with people and connect, and we just somehow didn't get the memo." — Anna Runkle [22:04]

• Why You Can’t Heal in Isolation:
  "You cannot learn [connectability] in isolation. There’s not a lot of things we can do in isolation ." — Anna Runkle [40:18]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:33] Modern loneliness and isolation
• [05:12–10:34] Anna’s trauma background, defining complex PTSD
• [16:59] Nervous system dysregulation explained
• [24:30] Pandemic's impact on social skills
• [27:41] Obstacles to connection and avoidant patterns
• [31:24] What is “crap-fitting” and how do you stop?
• [34:52] How to repair relationships—conflicts, apologies
• [39:09] Small steps: The “points” game for reconnecting
• [41:08] Setting boundaries for healthy relationships

Conclusion & Guest Info

• Anna advocates for gentle, incremental efforts to rebuild connection, awareness of both avoidant tendencies and toxic relationships, and the importance of nervous system regulation as foundational for deep, sustaining bonds.
• Anna Runkle’s resources: Crappy Childhood Fairy (YouTube & website), new book Connectability.

If you struggle with feeling disconnected, avoidant, or “stuck,” this episode is a compassionate, actionable starting point for reclaiming connection in your life.