Tired of Holding It Together? The We Do Not Care Club Method for Letting Go

Summary

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The Tamsen Show

Host: Tamsen Fadal
Guest: Melanie Sanders, creator of the We Do Not Care Club and author of "The Official We Do Not Care Club Handbook"
Episode: Tired of Holding It Together? The We Do Not Care Club Method for Letting Go
Date: January 21, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this deeply relatable episode, Tamsen Fadal sits down with Melanie Sanders, the woman behind the viral "We Do Not Care Club." Melanie’s honest and often humorous approach to sharing her experience with perimenopause and menopause sparked a movement that made millions of women finally feel seen—and gave them permission to let go of impossible standards and expectations. The conversation covers Melanie’s personal health journey, her accidental rise to fame, the importance of community support, and how being openly vulnerable can be transformative not just for oneself, but for women everywhere.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Origin of the "We Do Not Care Club"

• Melanie’s Medical Journey:
  • Underwent a hysterectomy for fibroids (04:43).
  • After surgery, experienced an unexplained “dark place”, isolation, and loss of drive.
  • Was not informed by doctors about potential physical or emotional aftereffects:

    “My doctors didn’t warn me ... I went into a dark place.” (04:43)

• Discovering Perimenopause/Menopause:
  • Neither Melanie nor Tamsen had prior education about perimenopause; menopause was only associated with hot flashes (00:02, 18:43).
  • Multiple symptoms—insomnia, mood shifts, anxiety, and joint pain—emerged post-surgery (18:50).

2. The Viral Moment That Sparked a Movement

• The Grocery Store Video:
  • After running out of ashwagandha (her “prerequisite to life”), Melanie had a “defining moment” of hitting capacity and filmed herself in her car, honestly sharing her state of overwhelm (07:09).
  • Her spontaneous video went viral across multiple platforms almost instantly (09:11).
  • Notable quote:

    “I just told myself, I’m at capacity. I have to take the pressure off.” (08:21)

• Naming the Club:
  • The phrase “We Do Not Care Club” was coined on the spot, without planning or rehearsal (09:50).

3. The Reaction—A Flood of Connection

• Women’s Response:
  • Received tens of thousands of messages from women who related and wanted to join the club (10:42).
  • Many expressed that Melanie “was speaking my language ... my life.” (10:42)
  • The club quickly grew globally, with international “chapters” (31:21).
• Why It Resonates:
  • Women felt validated and seen, no longer isolated in their midlife symptoms or emotions (10:59, 14:30).
  • The movement addresses long-held silence and stigma around menopause and midlife changes.

4. Melanie’s Personal Evolution

• Self-Worth and Vulnerability:
  • Initially doubted her own value:

    “I didn’t think that I was enough, and I did not see my value and my worth.” (00:53, 12:41)

  • Through the process, realized her worth and the power in simply being authentic (13:21).
  • Quote:

    “I’m just a regular, everyday woman that hit record and accidentally started a movement.” (45:18)

• Struggles with New Visibility:
  • Overwhelm and pressure from sudden fame.
  • Concerned about not being able to connect with women as personally but building small mastermind groups for deeper connection (35:19).

5. The Symptoms No One Talks About

• Physical and Emotional Effects:
  • Insomnia, joint pain ("frozen shoulder"), mood changes, anxiety, and body changes after hysterectomy and hormonal shifts (18:50–21:54).
  • Resorting to Google and even ChatGPT for answers; an example of systemic lack of support or information (20:22).
  • Notable humor and candor in discussing bodily changes:

    “My coochie's dry too. ... Coochie’s gonna go in the dictionary.” (23:52, 24:01)

• Illustrating the Experience:
  • Melanie drew the “Flat Melanie and Full Melanie” illustrations in her book, highlighting changes in her body—thinning hair, sagging breasts, and more, with humor (24:39–25:10).

6. Community, Sisterhood, and Letting Go

• Why Community Matters:
  • Perimenopause/menopause can be “dark,” and suffering in silence is dangerous (23:18).
  • The club provides empathy, permission to share experiences openly, and breaks the “mask” women have felt forced to wear (38:17–38:57).
• Letting Go of Perfection and Guilt:
  • Common things women “do not care” about anymore: housework, cooking, always caring for others before themselves (27:07).
  • “I’m in survival mode ... No, darling. I’m in survival mode.” (27:07)
• Including Men and Partners:
  • Advice for partners: read the room, give space, practice empathy
  • Notable quote:

    “If I don’t touch you first, you better not touch me ... If it’s quiet, don’t come in there crunching on food. Don’t chew. Do not chew and don’t breathe hard.” (26:00–26:59)

7. The Power of Honest Conversation

• Normalizing Taboo Subjects:
  • Encourages women to stop suppressing or masking their struggles.
  • Admits to her own bad days and disbelief in “fearless leadership”; emphasizes “we are all in this together.” (43:00)
• Inclusivity and Diversity:
  • Club chapters span the globe and all walks of life, from single moms to caregivers and even a “Fuck Your Feelings” chapter (40:02).

8. What’s Next—and Words for Struggling Women

• Book Success:
  • “The Official We Do Not Care Club Handbook” has become a bestseller (44:19).
  • Designed to be carried, referenced, and scribbled in.
• Melanie’s Message to Women Feeling Lost:
  • “You’re not alone ... This is a sisterhood ... My heart is so full.” (46:45, 47:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | 00:53 | “I didn’t think that I was enough, and I did not see my value and my worth.” | Melanie | | 08:21 | “I’m at capacity. I have to take the pressure off.” | Melanie | | 09:47 | “I just hit record, not knowing that ... I get home and I look at the notifications, and I said, oh, my God.” | Melanie | | 13:21 | “Do you know you’re enough now?” — “Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.” | Tamsen & Melanie | | 23:52 | “No, you’re not alone. No, my ears itch too. My coochie’s dry, too.” | Melanie | | 27:07 | “The cooking, you know, we do not care if you’re hungry. ... No, darling. I’m in survival mode.” | Melanie | | 38:57 | “Just being able to be okay with your situation ... we just a lot of times just suppress ... and we wear that mask.” | Melanie | | 43:00 | “I am not the expert at this thing ... there are going to be days where I feel like I can climb the biggest mountain ... but some days I want to get under my bed.” | Melanie | | 45:18 | “I’m just a regular, everyday woman that hit record and accidentally started a movement.” | Melanie | | 46:45 | “You’re not alone. ... This is a sisterhood ... My heart is so full.” | Melanie |

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:00–03:26] — Opening banter and background on Melanie’s viral moment
• [04:43–08:21] — Melanie shares her personal health story and emotional aftermath of hysterectomy
• [09:47–10:59] — The viral video’s immediate impact, massive support from women
• [13:17–13:21] — Melanie’s evolving sense of self-worth
• [18:43–21:54] — Recognition of symptoms, lack of education, “talking to ChatGPT” for answers
• [24:39–25:10] — Discussing "Flat Melanie" vs. "Full Melanie" and illustrating change with humor
• [23:18–24:09] — The value of community and open conversation about taboo topics
• [26:00–26:59] — Tips for partners: empathy and “reading the room”
• [27:07–28:16] — How women’s priorities and capacity shift during midlife
• [31:21–33:17] — The global spread and diversity of WDNC chapters
• [38:57–39:14] — Permission to remove the mask and be real about struggles
• [43:00–44:02] — Melanie’s vulnerable leadership philosophy
• [46:45–47:29] — Melanie’s closing encouragement for women feeling lost or alone

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Final Takeaways

• The We Do Not Care Club has become an emblem of unfiltered, radically honest sisterhood, redefining how women support themselves and each other through perimenopause and menopause.
• Melanie’s story is proof that vulnerability and authenticity can break silences, build powerful communities, and foster genuine transformation at every age and stage.
• You are not alone: Whether you’re at capacity, feeling lost, or simply ready to let go—there’s a global sisterhood waiting to support you on the journey.

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Transcript

[A]

Had you ever heard of perimenopause or menopause?

[B]

No. I had heard of menopause, and I think I just associated that with hot flashes.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[B]

And getting older in that car that day, I would come down on myself, like, because I was the cook. Breakfast, lunch, dinner was made, clothes were washed and all of that. And it was just playing in my head, like, you just let yourself just go to crap. And look at you now, you know, you're running in the store with a too little brown and like, you really just don't care. And I said, you know what? Yeah, I don't care, Melanie. I sure don't. Hello to all new and existing members of the We Do Not Care Club. I started this club called a We Do Not Care Club, and this is for anybody going through perimenopause and menopause. We are simply putting the world on notice that we simply just do not care much anymore.

[A]

Do you think about it often? People say, like, a moment could change everything. You are living, breathing proof of a moment can change everything.

[B]

I didn't think that I was enough, and I did not see my value and my worth.

[A]

Why didn't you think you were enough? Did you ever watch a video on social media that is so relatable, it literally feels like the person is talking, like, directly to you, like they know you. That is exactly what today's guest did for me. When I saw Melanie Sanders sitting in her car in a grocery store parking lot with no makeup, no bra, announcing she was starting the We Do Not Care club, something in me immediately went, oh, my gosh, this is all of us sitting there with her. That moment didn't just go viral. It started a movement. Women in perimenopause and menopause. We saw ourselves in that video, and it was proof that we had been caring too much for too long. Melanie didn't set out to create a brand or a trend. She was just being honest about being at capacity. And that honesty turned into the viral We Do Not Care Club. And now her book, the Official We Do Not Care Club Handbook, which is part laugh out loud, funny part, and part deeply validating for women who are done pretending nothing has changed. Today we are meeting the woman who said the quiet parts out loud. We're going to hear her story and talk about why so many women finally feel seen in this chapter of life. Today's podcast is sponsored by Midi Health. So many women tell me the same thing. They finally speak up about brain fog, exhaustion, or anxiety, and they're brushed off or told, it's just stress or age. That kind of dismissal makes you question your own body. Middie changes that by offering expert insurance covered virtual care that actually understands midlife and treats women like they matter. Ready to feel your best and write your second act script? Visit joinmitty.comtamsin today to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit. That's joinmitty.com Tamsen Midi the care women deserve. This is a Monday.com ad the same Monday.com helping people worldwide, getting work done faster and better. The samemonday.com designed for every team and every industry. The samemonday.com with built in AI scaling your work from day one. The same Monday.com that your team will actually love using the samemonday.com with an easy and intuitive setup. Go to Monday.com and try it for free. Yes, the same Monday.com. Melanie, my friend, I am so happy you're here.

[B]

I am so excited. I was waiting on this.

[A]

Oh, thank you for saying that because I was too. I really was. I was looking forward to giving you a hug in person and then just getting to sit down and say hi.

[B]

And I love my cupcakes.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

Yes, yes, yes.

[A]

I want everybody who comes here, but especially you with what you have done, to feel celebrated and feel like this is a conversation, a little bit of a party. I don't want it to feel like Tamsen's coming in and asking me tough questions because I don't have any tough questions.

[B]

Yes, absolutely. Like this. When I walked in, I really wanted to take my shoes off and stuff.

[A]

You can take your shoes off.

[B]

No, it's fine. Because then I have to. No, because then I have to take out my bra and do this. I do a lot. So keep me in my shoes. Okay.

[A]

I mean, I'm okay with you taking a bra too.

[B]

I gotta tell you what my husband would be. But don't turn around.

[A]

Others might not like that very much.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I wanna just jump in because you and I have talked a little bit off, offline, you know, and I just find you to be so genuine and kind and just so sweet. Really. Life, though, has changed really dramatically for you. What has it been like? Because, you know, I read your book and you really, you really go to the soul. You know, you really talk about what was going on in your life before and where you are now. Can you go back a little bit and talk about, you know, Melanie, before we met Melanie, you know, I had.

[B]

A hysterectomy because I had Fibroids. And so when I had that hysterectomy, I had no idea that my whole life would change. My doctors didn't warn me. They didn't warn me of that. Although I do love my surgeon that performed the hysterectomy. But she didn't tell me this. She didn't tell me. So I went into a dark place. I went into a dark place, you know, after I had the surgery. They tell you, don't climb stairs. And so my downstairs, my guest bedroom is dark and cold, and I have TV on the wall. And it's like I just. I stayed there. I was kind of enjoying it a little bit. But then it was about time to go back upstairs. My husband was like, okay, it's time to come back upstairs. You know, real life is back, right? Yeah, it's time to come back. But I didn't want to go back.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I wanted to just be there, keep the shades closed. And I didn't know why.

[A]

And that was never you before then, right?

[B]

No, no. And I had my sons. One was a for university, and the other one off to law school. And I knew I needed to be. To have time with them and to do things. And that mom guilt was kicking in because it's like, girl, get out of here. And I couldn't get out. I couldn't get out. So it's. And I didn't know what was wrong, you know, like, what is it?

[A]

But you knew something had really changed after that. Yeah, it's just your mind, your body, you just felt something different.

[B]

I just felt something different. I didn't have any get up and go, you know, the coffee wasn't coughing anymore, you know, nothing. And that's when I started to start different supplements, you know, so. And one of the supplements was ashwagandha. And for me, a lot of people take ashwagandha, you know, to sleep, to help relax at night. But I started taking it in the morning, time for, like, a mood stabilizer. And I think in the book, I refer to it as my prerequisite to life. So I would keep that on my nightstand. And that is the way that the We Do Not Care club started was because I was back upstairs by this time, But I had my ashwagandha. When I wake up in the morning, I have my. The water bottle, and then I have my ashwagandha. That's the first thing I do. I don't talk, no nothing. And I went and I turned that bottle over, and there was nothing in it. And you know, I pulled the little cotton stuff out, and I panicked.

[A]

That was like your. That was everything. What you knew was gonna be able to help you get through the day?

[B]

Yes, because it was really. And it's like, I didn't want to get started on anything before that. Like, you know, I don't want to. I love staying in my systems. And so that is when I jumped up and put on a two little bra. I didn't care at the time. Like, it was just brushing my teeth. I didn't even do my skincare regimen and socks. They weren't matching. Everything about me wasn't right. It wasn't right. And so I get to Whole Foods, and I was there when they opened, and I got my ashwagandha, and I got back in the car, and I did have my coffee, and I drank my coffee with the ashwagandha, and I looked at myself in the mirror, and it was like a defining moment, you know, where I didn't feel like I was at my lowest, but I just felt like something's like. It's just so much pressure. Why were you so. Like, you have to have that, you know, what is it, Melanie? And I just told myself, I'm at capacity. I'm at capacity, and I have to take the pressure off.

[A]

At capacity, meaning, like, there's nothing. I have nothing left to give and couldn't feel anything. And you never had any doctors tell you what happens when you have a hysterectomy? Nothing. You had no information?

[B]

Nothing. Nothing. So I couldn't even. Yeah, I couldn't even relate my hysterectomy to that because I just didn't. I didn't know.

[A]

Perimenopause wasn't a word. Menopause wasn't a word. So you looked in that rearview mirror, and I know in the book you have a picture, little rearview mirror with your eyes looking back at it. What made you say, I gotta say something. I'm not a capacity, but I gotta share this again.

[B]

I sat there just analyzing myself. Everything I say in the book. My hair was unstructured. The sports bra, which I am definitely getting that framed. And because I was a creator before.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought, you know what? Let me see if anybody wants to join me and we can start a club. You know, I love to share relatable content online, and I'm okay with being vulnerable. And so I hit record, and I just shared it, not knowing that about 20 minutes later, I get home and I look at the notifications, and I said, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And it wasn't like on one platform. Yeah, it was on several. Yeah, everywhere. Everywhere. Viral.

[A]

How did you come up with the words we do not care club?

[B]

In the moment. In the moment. Everything about the WDNC, as you see that replay on May 13, it just came to me then. Nothing was rehearsed or planned or anything.

[A]

I believe it. I know. I could see it in your eyes and your face and your tone and your everything. It was just. You just didn't care at that point.

[B]

I didn't.

[A]

When you got home and saw those notifications, which of course, every time I, you know, if I see a lot of notifications, something, I'm like, oh, God, my phone was left on while I was in the bathroom. Or I was like, I can't even imagine what's happened. What did you think was going on?

[B]

You know, I've had viral content, but it was something. I went to my husband and I said, oh, something's different about this. And I just kind of paid attention throughout the day, and I was gaining tens of thousands of followers, but then hundreds of thousands per day.

[A]

What were they saying?

[B]

They want to join. They want in. Yes, absolutely. They want in for sure. Like, and, oh, my God, you know, you're saying you're speaking my, you know my language or your, you know, my life. And I was like, my goodness, I never knew by hitting record, just telling my truth that this would happen.

[A]

This is your truth. But it was also millions of other women's truth too. Millions of other women who don't. Who are at capacity beyond capacity. When you think about that day in that grocery store, in that parking lot, do you think about it often? I mean, it has to be mind boggling to you to know that that moment, people say, like, a moment could change everything. You are living, breathing proof of a moment can change everything.

[B]

I really couldn't understand it, to be honest. I did not understand it. I studied it because when you're used to being a certain way, you know, it's like, okay, it's just Melanie, you know, and I'm okay with saying what's not right there and being vulnerable. And this was, I. I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

Fast forward a little bit. You've got all these people saying, like, I want to join the club. And you're like, I need to. We gotta start a club then. And did you have to take a moment with that and say, like, what, what, what is this?

[B]

What am I doing? Well, you know what? I put the phone down For a little while. And yeah, I didn't. Yeah, because it was too. It's like, Melanie, here you go, opening your big mouth now. You talking about a club where it's supposed to be 20 or 30 women, you know, and look at what you've done. You know, it's all just to process it. To process it. Like, and some of my creator friends, they would call me or text, they're like, do you see your numbers? It's like every second, every, like, every minute, I was gaining over 100. Like, over 100, over 100. Every, like, it was a lot. And it scared me because I honestly. And I share this on my platforms, I didn't think that. I didn't think that I was enough and I did not see my value and my worth in doing something of this magnitude.

[A]

Why didn't you think you were enough?

[B]

I honestly don't know. Like, it's kind of hard, like, when you're just being yourself, you know, it's like, I wasn't trying. If I was, you know, were trying to do this, then it's kind of like, okay, it caught, you know, it's going, it's happening now, you know, but I wasn't trying. And so that was the difference. And I wouldn't say that I have low self esteem or anything like that, but, you know, it's kind of like if you are an actress and you finally win that award or is it an Oscar or, you know, whatever, it's like it's finally here. But I wasn't. I was just being Melanie.

[A]

But that's what we love.

[B]

That's what I'm learning.

[A]

Do you know you're enough now?

[B]

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And that is the part that when I say I studied this, I studied it over the summer because this was May 13th that it happened. And for me to process it, like, I would go back and just look at the video and then I would look at the comments and I would go from platform to platform because it's like it's different demographics or different age groups and everything. You know, on each platform a little bit more. On Facebook, I have maybe like an older crowd then TikTok, you know, it's just different. And I'm like studying the comments and everyone's saying the same thing. Like, you know, oh, my God, you're speaking for me. You know, this is what. So yes, it's Tamsen. It's just a whirlwind for me.

[A]

I know it is. And I know that it's changing so many lives too Is there anything that's really touched you deeply that you've read? Because I have to imagine that women are sharing so much with you even through social media, because that's where we share now. Is there anything that just really touched you and you've seen? I'm sure it's millions of stories, but that really sticks out in your mind as who you're speaking to.

[B]

I would just say overall it's more like women that are extremely broken or just did not know their own worth or strength. I do get the personal emails and DMs and everything and it's just hard even starting this tour. And from Union Square, New York and Brooklyn, it's like to hear those ladies talk, my sisters talk. It's like I'm, you know, I just close my eyes. I just close my eyes because, you know, you try to keep it together. But I'm so thankful you know what.

[A]

They'Ve, they're going through.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In real time. And you've been there.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

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[B]

No, I had heard of menopause, and I think I just associated that with hot flashes.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[B]

You know, that's, that's.

[A]

And getting older.

[B]

Yeah, getting older. So that was it. So with the whole perimenopause and to rewind on my situation. A lot of my symptoms, that when I was in that dark room downstairs, the insomnia started. It's like, why can't I sleep? Why can't I sleep? And then I have anxiety anyway. But it just seems like it was just a little bit. It was rough. You know, I could turn a situation from beautiful to, you know, to, oh, my gosh, morbid, you know, and it's like, stop the negative thinking, girl. You know, I could think about my kids and think about, you know, instead of thinking good things, I'm thinking, you know, something happened, happening, or, you know, and I was so upset at myself. It's one thing to not be able to sleep, but then on top of that, you have these thoughts going through your head. And then my body started to ache a lot. It was just like, just achy. And one night, my shoulder started to hurt, and I'm like, what in the heck is wrong with my shoulder? You know, it's like, well, maybe I should go back upstairs to my bed. And I switched my pillows out and, you know, did all of that and that darn shoulder. And me and Chatgpt, we have a really good relationship. Are you close? No, we're real close. We go together real bad. I would, you know, just talk and ask questions. And then Chet told me I call him little Buddy. Little Buddy told me he said, melanie. Well, look, I'm just saying the voice. He can say the.

[A]

Sounds like a good voice to me.

[B]

He's like, melanie, you did have a hysterectomy. And it sounds like you may have frozen shoulder. I can't remember the whole. But I'm like, chat, frozen shoulder. What the heck is that? You know, frozen? What does that have to do with a hysterectomy? So then I take my frozen shoulder and I type that in the TikTok. And then I go down this rabbit hole. And the description of many of the women, you know, that have frozen shoulder, I said, my goodness, I have frozen shoulder. And so, you know, I went through that whole thing, but that was. And I'm in perimenopause. That was how I figured this out. And I put two and two together. Hysterectomy. And also within my hysterectomy, I had an IUD. And so. And I had the IUD for 16 years, of course, changing it out when, you know, when it was recommended because I have a 16 year old. And I remember getting the IUD, they said, because I asked the doctor, hey, can you Go ahead and do this before I leave the hospital after having him. And they said, well, it has to be six weeks. So I was there on that six week. I was there with me, the stroller, the baby. I had two babies at a time. Let's go put it in. So. And that has hormones in it itself. So, yeah, it's like I have this hysterectomy, and you just. You took out, you know, the hormones that I do have. And in the book I share, I have one ovary, so I not only now don't have my iud, I have one ovary, so my body is just not producing. I think it went into shock.

[A]

And you're feeling all of it, and nobody warned you about it. And nobody said, hey, your joints might ache. You might not be feeling like yourself. You might. Your anxiety might be heightened. Which was really what I noticed. And I'd never been scared of doing something or worried about driving weird things. I'm like, what is wrong with you? You're the girl that went across the country as soon as you could to take your first job. And so it's like. And then you get mad at yourself. And that's the. That's the crappy part, right. Is you get mad at yourself, and you can't stop that cycle. And I think that that's what those women felt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you said those words.

[B]

Yes. And, you know, because it's so many different ailments, you know, that go. That can be associated with perimenopause, you know, or just different symptoms, rather. It's. You know, sometimes you can sound like a hypochondriac. It's like, you know, my ear is itching.

[A]

You know, my tongue is itching.

[B]

What? Yeah. My foot is numb. And it's like, okay, what's going on? I wouldn't believe me, you know, really, because it sounds foolish sometimes, you know, by so many different things. So you kind of just tell yourself, chill out, you know, relax, girlfriend.

[A]

I think that what this has created is such a sisterhood of women feeling safe and seen and heard and then given permission to be able to say the things that maybe you or I were brushing off of ourselves, you know, why do you think that that kind of community is so important right now.

[B]

In the world, especially within menopause? I think it can be very dark. And that suffering in silence, that is just. It's not good. It's not good. And just being very verbal, you know, I can't imagine that woman that kind of, like, you know, suppresses her Feelings or doesn't have anyone to talk to or anyone to, you know, compare symptoms to or anything. So it's like to be able to say, oh, no, you are not alone. No, my ears itch too. My coochie's dry, too.

[A]

I love when you say that. Did you get a room of people that raise their hand when you. Have you asked that question yet?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Coochie's gonna go in the dictionary.

[A]

Do you think that's gonna be the word of the year? You know how they do, like the dictionary word of the year?

[B]

Oh, it could be.

[A]

I mean, it's a thought.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, Melanie, we're changing the world right now, so why don't we do that, too?

[B]

Why not? You know, we'll tell the sisters, hey, let's go vote. Is it.

[A]

Maybe it's a voting thing. I don't even know.

[B]

Yeah, we can vote. Yeah.

[A]

You have in your book, and I thought it was. I think it's page, like, 37, 38. Flat Melanie and full Melanie. And I think it's great. And I. Let me just pull it up real fast. So you talk about full Melanie and flat Melanie. Can you talk about that? Because I think that every woman sees themselves right there.

[B]

And those are my illustrations.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You have picked.

[A]

Did you draw those?

[B]

I did. You did.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. That's great.

[A]

So it's two. It's two illustrations with the boxes, you know, if you're listening and you talk about just the different parts of it, like the menstrual cycle, hair, breasts, but. And how everything changes.

[B]

Yes, everything changes. So, you know, I had the. The full bob. The bouncy was. The bouncy boobs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, the perfect landing strip. Yeah, that landing strip was. I nailed it. I nailed it.

[A]

You did a good job there.

[B]

I did. I really. I was so proud of myself. Yeah. Yes. And then there we go. You know, we have the. Well, you know, the book was dedicated to the asshole who told me I had a computer box booty.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But there it is in real time, you know, the hair thins out a little and we go. That landing strip's not so perfect anymore. Yeah. Seem a little strange. You know, whatever. I can see you did a good.

[A]

I don't know if you're an illustrator or not, but I think you did a good illustration.

[B]

Yes, I think I might. That might be a new. A new path for me.

[A]

Might be your new path. You have a wonderful husband who I met when you came into the studio. What do you think that Partners and men really need to know about this conversation, because I think that that is that next place that we have to go in all of this so that, you know, people don't feel alone if they have a partner or a husband.

[B]

And I know it's hard for men to understand. Yeah, I know it's hard because it's just. I get it. Like. And I tell my husband, I get it. And I promise you, all of these things are. My ears are really itching. You know, everything is, like. I don't know. I've asked him, and he's been very, very understanding, very supportive throughout everything. But I know not all women have that. And the one thing about Melanie is the empathy and putting myself in another person's shoes. And in this. In my sister's shoes, I tell my girlfriends, I said, with our husbands, we tell them to read the room. If I don't touch you first, you better not touch me. You know? No, let me initiate it, you know? Read the room. Yeah, read the room. And that is one of the biggest things. If I'm not talking and if it's quiet, don't come in there crunching on food. Like, don't, you know, chewing. Yeah, yeah, Please don't chew. Do not chew. Do not chew and don't breathe hard.

[A]

What have you found? Are the things that top the list now for everybody that they don't care about what tops the list? Are there a couple of top ones, you think, for sure?

[B]

The cooking, you know, we do not care if you're hungry. We did not lock the kitchen. You know, a lot of those are the relatable things that we're so used to doing. You know, you're in a relationship and you're marriage or whatever, and you want to cook and clean and do all of that. No, darling. Uh, no. I'm in survival mode. I'm in survival mode.

[A]

You're right, though. You're right. And I think that that's the shocking part to a lot of people, because you weren't in survival mode for the first 40 years.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And now all of a sudden, no one's there to take care of everybody else.

[B]

Mm. And, like, you know, in the book is we're at capacity, and it's in that car that day. All the things, like, I would come down on myself, like, because I was the cook, you know, I made sure breakfast, lunch, dinner was made. You know, clothes were washed and all of that. And it was just, like, playing in my head. Like, you just let yourself just go to crap, and you know, and look at you now, you know, you're running in the store with too little bra on and like you really just don't care. And I said, you know what? Yeah, I don't care, Melanie. I sure don't. And let me see. Who wants to not care with me Record.

[A]

When do you decide to do your videos? Now? Because I know that, you know, every time one comes I'm like, press, what do we not care about now? How do you decide? Does it just come to you?

[B]

Yeah, they just come to me. And that was one of the things that for me, scared me because as a creator, I don't go on social media every day. And I don't, because for me, like when I'm locked in, I'm locked in and if I'm already not cooking and cleaning, like me getting on social media, it's really not gonna happen. So I got scared. I was really nervous, you know, like I'm not gonna show up the way that they think I'm gonna show up, you know, and they're gonna be looking for videos every day. And what do we not care about today, Melanie? And it's like, oh no, you know, and to, you know, try to think of things. But that is when on the announcements I say, you know, sisters, let me know what we do not care about today in the comments. And that is where I get a lot of our announcements from.

[A]

So many of you have asked me, Tamsin, what can I do next? How do I advocate for myself or help move this menopause movement forward? You don't know where to start. I've got you. I created something called the Menopause Action Plan Map. It is completely free. It's full of real practical tools you can use today. You'll find scripts to start conversations with your doctor if you've ever felt dismissed. Ways to bring menopause into the workplace. Even a state by state tracker so you can see what is happening wherever you live. There are also ready to use templates if you want to start making change in your community. The stage of life isn't just something we go through, it's something we can shape together. You can download your free copy of the Menopause Action Plan on my website. The link is down in the description. You've been meeting a lot of these women now and you've been in, you know, different cities already, different communities here. What does it feel like when somebody comes up to you and grabs you and. And I mean, you know, you had lines outside of the where were you at a Bookstore last night. Where was Brooklyn?

[B]

Was it a bookstore in Brooklyn?

[A]

You had lines lined up outside of there. I saw. I saw your videos this morning. What is that? Like when you pull up that car and see all those women, they're waiting for you.

[B]

We are eight months in, and it's crazy because from May 13, the book release was January 13, so exactly eight months. I have not processed it. I have not processed it the way that I feel like I should. Yeah, I just. As I see it, it's so surreal to me. It's just empathy. Like, just put yourself in my shoes. Like, what in the world?

[A]

I don't know. I think. But I almost think that that's the best way to do it, because you stay just Melanie, instead of somebody that somebody else wants to create.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I think that that makes a big difference. And I think people know what's real. I think people know what's real. And I think people aren't looking for solutions or looking for someone to hear them and see them. And I think that that's what you're providing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, and. And I think people feel that. Let's talk about the clubs that have been. They're all over the place. They're everywhere.

[B]

Yes, they're everywhere.

[A]

Is there anybody that shocked you? Because they're all over the world. They're the U.S. they're all over the world right now.

[B]

The first one that I saw was the Australian chapter. Because also, you know, and I expressed that in on the platforms, women. When I started to run, when I logged on one day, and I saw someone say that they're in the We Do Not Care club and they're the such and such chapter. And I said, oh, my goodness, that is genius. Because then they're not just gonna look for me to create videos. And then I. I started to see people, you know, putting on the bonnets and the robe and all of those things. And I was. That right there was so good. And I am not a person that likes to be in the front of the room. That is just not it for me. I love to get things in order and just sit to the back. Like I said, I'll give you. I'll set it up for you, and then I'll hold the door. Get your pocketbook. You go up there and do what you have to do. But for me, now, I'm being forced to be to the front. And so after I saw the chapters, I was like, yes. You know, it's going. It's intentional. I can fall back some and Then I started to see. We want to thank our fearless leader, Melanie Sanders, who told y' all to say my name. You know, I couldn't run from it. And that's why when things like this happen, it's like it didn't happen by chance, you know, and I just have to be able to be okay with that. And that has, it definitely has taken a lot out of me and it still does. Like, you know, to see at this book tour, so many women like lining up and speaking life into me and through me. It's like, it's very emotional and I'm just trying to just accept it, Just accept it.

[A]

This show is sponsored by MIDI Health. I remember it sitting in the doctor's office, listing off everything I was feeling. Exhaustion, brain fog, mood swings, sleep, all of it. And getting nothing but a vague smile. And this is just part of getting older. No test, no plan, just a brush off. And I thought, is this really it? If you're in midlife and feeling dismissed or unheard, I want you to know you're not imagining it and you're definitely not alone. 75% of women who seek care for perimenopause or menopause symptoms, they walk away untreated. That is outrageous to me and it's why I'm so grateful. Mitty exists. MIDI is a virtual clinic built specifically for women in midlife by experts who actually get it. They're the only women's telehealth platform covered by major insurance. So it's not just high quality, it's accessible. What I love most, their clinicians listen one on one, face to face. They take the time to understand what you need and create a plan that works. This is the care we have been waiting for. Go to joinmini.com tamsen and finally feel seen, ready to feel your best and write your second act script. Visit joinmitty.comtamsentoday to book your personalized insurance covered. Visit that's joinmitty.comtamsen Midi the care women deserve. DSW Designer Shoe Warehouse is the one stop shop for all your footwear needs with sneakers, boots and everything in between. For every style, mood and occasion. You'll definitely find shoes that get you at prices that get your budget. DSW has what you need, but more importantly, they have what you didn't even know you wanted. You never know what you'll find at dsw. Find the shoes that get you at prices that get your budget at DSW stores or dsw.com. What is the part that touches your heart? The Most. Is it knowing that you've been where they are or is it knowing that you've allowed them to speak and given them permission?

[B]

Yes. Not even where they are. Like, I am with all of, like we're all going through. And that's the part where I now have like different communities on different platforms so that I can. One of the things that kind of saddened me was although I was growing by the day, I couldn't have that connection anymore with people.

[A]

One on one people or people you were familiar seeing online?

[B]

Yes, yes, yes. Because before, you know, like, again, I had. My platform was growing and I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays, spend the day with me kind of thing. And I just, honey, I have my girlfriends from across the world like, hey, girl, you know, what you doing? Or you know, that kind of thing. And we check in on each other, you know, and then I couldn't do that anymore. And. And it's like I cannot lose connection, you know, but all of it is just like just taking my time and just understanding that my purpose is greater and that I'll find a way, you know, I'll find a way. And so in these smaller groups, I do like little mastermind classes. I have not announced the group aloud online because I don't want, you know, I want to be very intentional. The one thing that we've. We did self care last week. Self care. The one thing that I noticed when we were talking about self care and I think this instinctually happens to women. Like we go into. It's not that we're trying to be know it alls or anything like that, but it's like we just, oh, yeah, this is what I do for my self care and this is what I. And sometimes it gives that appearance that your life is grand figured out. You got it figured out. And so for me, being that person that always thinks about everyone, what does this look like? You know, like I used to run from even sharing that my husband was super supportive because I didn't want to. Other women that didn't have that support. I always do that. That's something that is just like one of my old bosses said. She said, melanie, you dumb me down too much. And so, yeah, it's just hard because I'm just thinking about that woman that doesn't have it. And so what I was trying to relay in that mastermind was we don't have to talk about the things that are fixed. Maybe let's talk about those things that are broken. And we don't necessarily have to Try to fix those things, but just to be able to just say that it's there, you know?

[A]

Did you notice that it reached people deeper that way, instead of everyone trying to give the list of their perfections?

[B]

Yeah, I do think that. But I think it's gonna take even more time because, you know, all women are different. You know, some for me, it's okay, I'll raise my hand and say, my coochie's dry, you know? Cause, you know, my coochie is dry.

[A]

You know, have you shocked anybody on television with that? Do they know what to do when you say that? My coochie's dry.

[B]

Melanie is a hot mess where she goes. And it's like I said, God, you know, you gotta work with me, because I'm very random, you know, I'm just. I'm a hot mess, you know, sometimes.

[A]

But you're our hot mess, and I love it. And we're a hot mess along with you.

[B]

Yes, it's a lot. It's a lot. But some women aren't okay with saying that. And it's okay because you might. Not everybody. It's not everybody's business, you know, the Jacucci's dry, you know, just using that as an example. But it's like just being able to just be okay with your situation. Like, we just a lot of times just suppress, you know, or put it to the back, and we wear that mask. And so on top of the things that we're suppressing or masking, our bodies are constantly changing. That can lead to disaster if we don't nip it in the bud.

[A]

You're right. And I think that the suffering in silence, but just living in silence, violence. And that's. That's really what we've seen women do for so long. And now you're, you know, helping them feel if they decide that they want to talk about that. It seems like a lot of them do. Yes, it seems like a lot of. Do you know how many chapters you have now around the.

[B]

No, because chapters for me, you know, just keep going. Yeah, we can have any kind of chapter.

[A]

Dr. Mary Claire and I did one right here in the studio. You saw the other side of the wall. We had a good time with that.

[B]

Yes, I loved it.

[A]

I'm so proud of you, and I'm so happy for you, and I've gotten to know you a little bit outside here, and that's been really special for me. And I think that that's what of women does. You know, I. When I set out from turning you know, leaving my job as a journalist and going into this, you know, full time in terms of advocacy and talking to women and whatever journalism in this area, I realized that the, the people that I got to know were like a different type of friend. Like it's a. It's a different type of community. Like it's very. I don't know, it's just very close knit and clear and it's. It's based on this helping other women. And there's something really different about that and special about that.

[B]

It is, because a lot of times you can go into rooms and it's just so stuffy, you know, and, you know, it's either the comparisons or, you know, and the beauty in the we do not care club. Like it crosses all barriers. Like it is just, you know, a melting pot of everything. You know, we have a Jewish club. We have. I mean, it's so many different clubs and. Yeah, Single moms club, you know, a caregiver's chapter, rather. That's a big one. Yeah, it's just so Special needs chapter. It's so many. Can I. The fuck your feelings chapter. Like the what Fuck your feelings chapter. That's like. I begged.

[A]

Wait, I need to get in that one.

[B]

Yes. No, I begged. I said, can I please be a part of this chapter, please? You know, but it's so many and that like, that need to just let down that wall. You know, you walk in a room and it's so funny because I was on Drew Barrymore, you know, earlier on and now this is my first TV appearance ever. And guess who's sitting next to me? Halle Berry. Now, why did. I said, God, you got jokes and here like, what in the world? And you gonna bring. You know. And I said, you know, she's sitting there crossing her legs and looking all cute and I'm seeing my big back. It's like, and this ain't fair. But then it was just like, Melanie, girl, you are you. You know, Halle is Halle and Melanie is Melanie. And I've definitely, you know, because, you know, for sure I've been introduced to, you know, and all of my sisters that are, you know, in Hollywood and it is. But what I just know is that we are all in this thing together, you know. So like I tell Halle, I said, well, you know, your coochie might bedazzle. And then I just got some regular coochie. But coochie is coochie, okay?

[A]

At the end of the day it is.

[B]

Yeah. So it's just. I really like for me it is that top layer. I was speaking to someone yesterday actually, and as she was speaking, she was like really strong about how she felt about the need to maybe not do something, like not use hormones to do it naturally or to do. And that is nothing wrong with it. Nothing at all. But for me, it's like I'm thinking about that woman that, you know, like, she might be at her wits end, you know, she just doesn't. I would not want to discourage her from doing anything that could possibly help her. Because this thing can get dark. Yes, it can get dark, you know, and then the only thing we can do is look back and remember how she was kind of quiet, you know, she didn't say much or, you know. Yeah, we did look at her kind of funny a lot. She was acting out. But that's a dark place to be in.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It's a dark place.

[A]

It is. And we have to make sure that all those women are seen too.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They're not speaking out or shouting out or. Or doing anything but. But that we're aware.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And seeing if they can get help.

[B]

Yes. And sometimes me, I need the help. You know, it's been so many days where, you know, and I always say this, I am not the expert at this thing, you know, I am right here with you. We are in this thing together. And there are going to be days where I feel like I can climb the biggest mountain out there. But then there's some days where I want to get under my bed. I am depressed, I am stressed. I'm not that rage is there, you know, the sadness is there. And I'll hit record many times because this is a journey, you know, and the more we look at this, we can be strong. We definitely can. But I don't want anybody to put me in this category of she the fearless leader. The hell if I am fearless. I changed my panel line of six times a day, pissing on myself, just thinking about being, you know, saying the fearless leader, you know, like, no, I have my fears even doing this. I'm doing it scale. I'm doing the anxiety that came with even writing a book. When that was introduced to me, it was like, absolutely not. Absolutely not. I said no.

[A]

You said no.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh my goodness, yes.

[A]

This book is incredible though. It's so incredible. Are you happy with the response that you've had to this book? Because this book is like, you can carry it with you, you can put it in your bag, you can put it in your purse. You can have it all the Time. This is going to be on bedside tables for, like, a long time, Melanie.

[B]

Yes, I really do feel it, and. But, you know, as I share my story, like, this book has sold numbers already, and I think as of earlier today, it was number nine.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. With Amazon on Amazon.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

That's like. It's a surreal feeling. But, like, for me, I want my sisters to see just me, just regular Melanie. When you look at my videos, I don't have on the makeup and stuff. I'm really a hot mess. And a lot of times, like, I'm not running to look for these things to. I just have on my robe. I have on my bonnet. My brain is going good. Let me press record, you know, let me go find my highlighter in my notebook. Let's do this.

[A]

How many highlighters do you have?

[B]

They're all over the house. The same way. I have glasses, I have highlighters. So, yeah, it's just. I just hit record. But I really want sisters to be able to see through me and just. I'm just a regular, everyday woman that hit record and accidentally started a movement.

[A]

It's incredible. And changing millions of lives all around the world. Melanie, thank you so much. I'm so glad we got to have this conversation now. We did do something, if people are listening that you will actually see on social, because we want to be really honest with people. And there are some people that don't do hormone therapy, but there's other people that. That do. And it's always been something we've hidden and not talked about because it leaves a nasty glue mark on you and because you're in the bathroom and you have to pull all different things and change your patch. So we did that together. So that was nice to share that. Share that patch moment with you.

[B]

Yes, yes, yes.

[A]

We.

[B]

We definitely have to. We have to do something, and I really want us to have, like, we have to just do it all together. We have to do it together like a change of patch day. And I think so.

[A]

Because if. If we do that, then we all remember how to do it or when. Remember when to do it. Because sometimes I skip my days. Do you ever skip your days?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So if we do it all together.

[B]

Yeah. I'm late today. I was supposed to be yesterday today.

[A]

And I'm supposed to be later tonight. All right, we need to do something. Yeah, we need to get that.

[B]

Find some days. Yeah.

[A]

Under control.

[B]

We got to get in unison here and do that.

[A]

I am really excited about the rest of our conversation tonight. We're going to be leaving here and continuing on your tour. What, what do you want to see next, Melanie? What would be important for you to see if there's one woman listening right now and you want her to really hear what you have to say and she just doesn't know where to begin with all of it and just feel in a dark place or lost. What do you want her to know?

[B]

Number one, I just want her to definitely know that she's not alone. She's not alone in her feelings and many of the circumstances that us women have to deal with, you know, from being mothers to wives to caregivers, you know, to our parents, all of those things, like it can really weigh on you and sometimes you can just feel like you're by yourself and, and, you know, on top of having our bodies change, you're not by yourself. You're not alone. This is a sisterhood where within the wdnc. We're going to stick together. So many friendships have been made through wdnc. It is My heart is so full. It is so full.

[A]

Thank you for turning on your camera that day.

[B]

So thankful.

[A]

I'm gonna make sure all the links are down below, including a link to this fabulous book. You know, if this episode resonated with you, I really encourage you to pick up the official We Do Not Care Club handbook. I'm gonna leave the link in the show notes so you can join the We Do Not Care Club and spend more time with Melannie. Before you go, if you can, take a moment and leave a review of the show, it truly helps us reach more women who need these types of conversations right now. Thanks so much for listening and I will see you next time on the Tamsen Show Show. Today's podcast is sponsored by Midi Health. So many of you know this, but I was dismissed over and over again when I was struggling with perimenopause symptoms. I didn't even know I was in perimenopause. It is so important you're getting care from someone that specializes in women in midlife and that they're willing to have the hormone therapy conversation with you. I get questions from you every single day about where to go for support and I'm always suggesting MIDI Health. It's covered by insurance and you don't even have to leave your house. Ready to feel your best and write your second act script? Visit joinmitty.comtamsen today to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit. That's joinmitty.com Tamsin Mitty the care women deserve. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart Choice make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.