The Tamsen Show

Episode: Why You Always Feel Behind and the Simple Tools That Will Free You

Host: Tamsen Fadal
Guest: Israa Nasser, Psychotherapist and Author of "Toxic Productivity"
Date: December 10, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode delves into the concept of "toxic productivity"—the relentless pursuit of achievement at the expense of well-being. Host Tamsen Fadal and guest Israa Nasser break down why so many women, especially in midlife, feel perpetually behind despite constant effort. The episode offers insightful discussion, practical tools, and a compassionate approach to help listeners move from chronic overwhelm to a healthier, more value-aligned way of living and working.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Defining Toxic Productivity

• What is it?

  • Israa Nasser (03:02): “It is a mindset that we have where we become completely obsessed with outcome and achievement and getting something, and it becomes a way for us to feel good about ourselves. So we're not being busy to be busy—we're being busy and productive to feel good about ourselves.”
  • The need for external achievement drives self-worth, turning simple tasks into validation-seeking exercises.

• Personal experience and universal prevalence

  • Both Tamsen and Israa share how they’ve experienced chronic striving, even in personal milestones.
  • Tamsen Fadal (04:54): “I don’t celebrate the achievements oftentimes... I’ll have the achievements and not celebrate them.”

Signs You’ve Crossed Into Toxic Productivity

• Ignoring wellness: skipping meals, sacrificing sleep, canceling social plans for “achievement” (05:20).
• Productivity comes at the expense of joy, connection, or rest.
• The compulsion to fill even “free time” with either structured activities or new achievements.

Societal and Parental Influences (06:26, 16:21)

• Modern society is hyper-optimized: even self-care and leisure are driven by metrics and checklists.
• Cultural and familial influences reward achievement from an early age, especially for women.
  • Israa Nasser (09:16): “We can actually barter affection with achievement so we can get more love if we are achieving something.”
• Parents reinforce these dynamics by only validating achievement, potentially modeling never-resting behavior.

Gender & Socialization (10:42)

• Women are labeled and their behavior policed from an early age (e.g., “good girl,” “nurturer”).
• Achievement and caregiving are ingrained as “wanted identities.”
  • Labels shape what women pursue in adulthood—often leading to internalized pressure.

Toxic Productivity in Relationships (17:43)

• It’s not just at work: overdoing, over-caretaking, and milestone-chasing show up in romantic and family life.
• Motivation check: Are you doing things because they’re value-aligned, or out of fear/shame/comparison?
  • Monitoring reactions to social media, others’ milestones, can indicate whether you’re being driven by internal desire or external pressure (20:36).

Midlife & Identity Shifts (23:45)

• Life transitions (menopause, empty nest, career shifts) amplify feelings of “not enough,” disconnectedness, and anxiety.
• Israa Nasser (25:15): “If productivity and the things you achieve are a core part of your identity... that identity shift... requires you to write a new story... which means you have to be unproductive for a little bit.”

Practical Tools & Strategies

1. The Five-Minute Pause ("Unstimulated Time") (26:17)

• Sit in silence (no phone, book, or planning) for just five minutes a day.
  • Israa Nasser (26:16): “Start with five minutes in the morning where you’re not reading anything, you’re not listening, you’re not doing anything and you’re also not planning anything in your head.”
  • Observe thoughts without engaging—builds tolerance for “nothingness.”

2. Time and Energy Audit (30:35)

• List everything you’ve done in the past few weeks.
• Three reflection questions for each item:
  1. Did I have to do this?
  2. Did I have to do it at the time I did it?
  3. What would have happened if I didn’t do it (or did it partially)?
• Look for patterns where you can delegate, delay, or delete tasks that drain you.

3. The Chanel Rule (29:16)

• Weekly, deliberately take one thing off your calendar—undercommit rather than overcommit.

4. Embrace Mediocrity (35:26)

• Israa Nasser (35:31): “Assess if your life needs the best version of you and which parts will survive with the good enough version of you.”
• Saving your full effort for what matters most; permit yourself to be “good enough” elsewhere.

5. Building Discomfort Tolerance & Saying No (39:54)

• Practice saying no in safe relationships. Thank, decline, offer alternatives, or redirect the request.
  • Example script (41:24): “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not able to tonight.”

Turning Shame into Curiosity (42:28)

• Shame presents as black-and-white, self-condemning statements: “You’re lazy.”
• Reframe into questions: “What made today feel overwhelming? What could I change next time?”
• This opens solutions and self-empathy.

Healthy Productivity vs. Toxic Productivity (44:14)

• Rest is a requirement, not a reward.
• Actions are aligned with your true values—not comparison, fear, or habit.
• Set clear end points; allow yourself to be “done” before moving on (45:00).

How to Celebrate Wins (45:20)

• Name and acknowledge achievements out loud, ideally with an accountability partner.
  • Leverage “mirror neurons”—when someone repeats your win back to you, it increases validation.
• Assign positive reinforcement—rest, retrospection, or a small treat.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On feeling like it’s never enough:
  • “No matter how much I do, there’s this little voice in my head that’s like, yeah, you could be doing more though—and it’s exhausting.”
    (Tamsen Fadal, 00:00)
• On the ‘should’ mindset:
  • “Many of us are trapped in that ‘I should’ mindset. Free time becomes something else I ‘should’ fill—perfectly.”
    (Israa Nasser, 07:40)
• On rest as a threat:
  • “Rest becomes a threat to that… we learn to barter affection with achievement.”
    (Israa Nasser, 09:16)
• On embracing imperfection:
  • “Embrace mediocrity… Assess which parts of your life need the best version of you, and which will survive with ‘good enough.’”
    (Israa Nasser, 35:31)
• On setting new standards in midlife:
  • “We set our goals at 50 to what we were able to accomplish at 20... That identity shift requires you to write a new story.”
    (Israa Nasser, 25:10)
• On the importance of celebrating:
  • “Name it, have someone name it to you, assign a positive reinforcement. That’s how our brains are wired. Otherwise, we keep searching for that validation.”
    (Israa Nasser, 46:27)

Key Timestamps

• Defining Toxic Productivity: 03:02 – 04:54
• Key Signs and Culture Influence: 05:20 – 07:40
• Gender and Early Socialization: 10:42 – 13:02
• Toxic Productivity in Relationships: 17:43 – 20:28
• Midlife, Identity, and Reinvention: 23:45 – 25:41
• First Tool—Five Minutes of Nothingness: 26:17 – 28:13
• The Chanel Rule: 29:16 – 30:35
• Time/Energy Audit: 30:35 – 32:29
• Embracing Mediocrity: 35:26 – 36:38
• Practical Scripting for Saying No: 39:54 – 42:28
• Healthy Productivity Defined: 44:14 – 45:20
• How to Celebrate Wins: 45:20 – 46:27
• Final Empowerment Message: 48:23 – 49:35

Action Steps for Listeners

• Daily: Spend five minutes doing absolutely nothing—no phone, no tasks, just noticing thoughts.
• Weekly: Remove one unnecessary obligation from your calendar.
• Monthly: Audit your time/energy and reassess based on how you feel before and after activities.
• Ongoing: Practice saying no; let yourself and others be "good enough."
• Reflect: Name and celebrate your wins with trusted others.

Closing Message

Israa Nasser (48:23):
“I want her to believe she absolutely has done more than enough... Take a moment to think about the things that you have done and that will help you go into a new season with self-mastery—the concept of knowing that you can do the things you commit to doing.”

For more tools, insights, and support, listen to the full episode and connect with The Tamsen Show community.