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Amazon five Star Theater presents real customer reviews performed by Ed Helms. Tonight's tactical jacket. I was living a simple life. Didn't get out much. Then I bought this jacket and everything changed. Women came flocking to me from lands domestic and foreign. On the 245 day sailboat voyage home, I was attacked by a shark. I knew it was the jacket he was after giving up the jacket in exchange for my life. 5 stars, Amazon Customer 69. Shop the perfect gift this holiday on Amazon. NBC News can now project that Donald Trump has won the state of Wisconsin, which means he is the winner of this race and will return to the White House as this country's 47th president. Name me one country that's ever done communism the right way. Nobody can afford to live because of the billionaires. Oh, you are so fucking ridiculous. You clearly sound like a fascist. You're a fascist. Oh, everyone's a fascist. Everyone's Hitler. You sound like Hitler. Everyone's Hitler. Everyone's Hitler. It's Happy Thanksgiving, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. What if you got to heaven and God was just doing a podcast? What if that was what it was? What if that was it? You get to heaven and God hands you a mic and you sit on a couch and you're like, it never ends. And God's like, no, I'm in an ad deal. What if that's it? And God's like, isn't this wild? You're like, yeah, it's great. I didn't read him. I'm happy. I'm here. Then God starts laughing. You're like, all right, I'm gonna laugh. God's like, yeah. Then God's reading an ad for kalsheet.com just seems, you know, seems to be where it's all trending, where the afterlife is just going to be a very long podcast where you get to ask God any and he'll explain the whole thing to you. He'll literally go through the whole thing. Like, you're like, can you tell me about creating the world? He's like, yeah, sure. And it's just, you know, that's just it. There's nothing after that. We've reached the end. This is the end of things. It's just on a loop forever. It's just podcasting. Just takes. Just takes. You and God just have takes. God's like, ariana Grande is very thin now. You go, yeah, it's disturbing. Is someone gonna get her? I mean, that poor girl. I see her on that show on that thing. Wicked which is, they have the second Wicked now that's come out. And her and that other chick, Cynthia Erivo, they're very odd. But that Ariana Grande, that's, that's who I'm speaking of, right? It is Ariana Grande. She looks very thin. Like where I, I'm worried a little bit about her and hopefully at Thanksgiving someone just kind of has a sit down with her, go, honey, you're gonna have to eat some of this food, you know, because it's making people like today. You gotta prove it. No, I, I am eating. Yeah, yeah, but you gotta, hey, you gotta eat a little bit of this food. I know, but my stomach feels. Hey, hey, eat a little bit of the food. Not just a teaspoon of mashed potatoes. You gotta eat a meal in front of everyone. Cause if not, we're calling an ambulance. That's the way Ariana Grande is at where you go, if you don't eat a meal in front of your family right now, we're gonna call an ambulance and we're gonna force a pipe down your throat and we're gonna force feed you. And if you'd rather that, we'll do it right at the table. If you wanna put a feeding tube in. Cause that's. She's at feeding tube. Ariana Grande right now is at feeding tube where if a feeding tube, and I'm not making light of this, if a feeding tube doesn't go in soon, it's game over. So Ariana Grande needs a feeding tube immediately. And hopefully they do it Thanksgiving. And it might be nice. Everyone's did Thanksgiving and go, Ariana is having a little issue. So we're going to put a tube in her and she can, and she can drink her dinner at Thanksgiving. Mash it all up. Here's the thing, it doesn't have to be pretty, but it's gotta get in. That's what I tell Ariana. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's gotta go in. So if you want us to take some mashed potatoes, some gravy, or even like baby formula, if you want to start there with like baby formula and we'll put a feeding tube in you and we can start again like you're one, we'll do that. But you're so thin you look like you're gonna break and people are nervous. So put a feeding tube in and we'll start with like baby formula and nutrients and then we'll work up to like a smoothie made of gravy and mashed Potatoes from Thanksgiving. I want her to thrive. God bless her. She needs to eat. Not as much as me. I know the. Not as much as me, but as is somewhere between where she is right now and where I am is the happy medium. Because you're going to have to put a feeding tube in her. There's no other way around it. Can you get a photo of. Get a photo of Ariana Grande up and write the word thin. Don't make a liar out of me. Find a photo. Or a beautiful woman, talented woman, want her to get help. Wicked, whatever, you know, great on Broadway. Is it great in the movies? I haven't seen it. I'm sure it's fine. That's not the point of this. The point of this is a warning. A word to the wise, a warning here. Let's get some nutrients in this woman. Isn't it bad? Can I see it on the thing? I can't really see it on the monitor. Is there a way for me to see it? I guess I could look at it on my phone, but she's. She's very, very thin and it's disturbing a lot of people and I just want it. I want it known that the Tim Dillon show is offering to take Ariana Grande to Smith and Walensky's Restaurant Steakhouse and feed her creamed spinach through a feeding tube. And I don't care who looks at us weird. I don't care who looks at us weird. If Ariana Grande wants to come with me at my expense to Smith Wolinsky's, I will. I will. I will put a prime rib in a high velocity food processor and we will blend it and we will put it in the tube along with a cream spinach and a coconut cake. We'll get it in. All we gotta do here is get it in. Let's get the nutrients in the. In the lady. Go down to some of these. Some of these are terrifying. They're just. They're too thin. They're too thin. We want. We want the best for her. She's a really talented woman. And. And everyone has a problem and everyone, everyone does. This is. But to me, now, I haven't had this particular problem, but this can easily be fixed with a feeding tube. Put the tube in. It's like sleep apnea, which I don't have, but a lot of people have it. And you put that CPAP on and you go to bed, put the tube in, set it and forget it. Get a tube in and get one in now and fuck them. I eat Through a tube. Tell them that. Tell them the eating food revolt. It's. I feel revulsion at solid food, so I eat like a baby and there's nothing wrong with it because I want the best for her. Now this is interesting because this is being recorded on Wednesday now. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Thanksgiving has passed. I hope it was good. Now, it hasn't passed yet, but in the magic of the Internet, this episode's being recorded on Wednesday night. You are going to get this on Saturday after you have Thanksgiving. I am having Thanksgiving with my cousin, a lovely aunt, my cousin's wife, fiance, wife, I think they got married, whatever, and they're lovely people. We're going to a restaurant because that's the move when you're older, to move when you are older. It will take a lot of stress off of family when you just stop pretending this is a family. Stop pretending you have a family. And it will just, it takes the pressure off these situations. If you have lots of fun kids and everyone's running around or even if you just have one kid and there's. If there's a point. But a lot of families, myself included, are older, childless ex addicts who meet very much like an AA meeting and love each other, care about each other, sure. But it's not, it's not a holiday that's filled with. And I haven't had it yet. So by the way, I'm probably wrong. And it's, it's lovely and. But have a reasonable expectation of what these things are. They're for children, holidays are for children. And if you don't have a big happy family, just grab a few people in your family and don't try to cook or do anything at someone's home. Go to a restaurant, you have an in and an out. It starts at four, you're out at six, hug, kiss, bye bye in the car. Don't do anything in somebody's house unless you have an actual family. If you don't, do not pretend to release yourself from the idea that you have to pretend to have a family. Just go to a nice restaurant with people that you enjoy, whether they're blood relatives or not. And, and you know, that's all you have to do. That's all you have to do. Nobody has to be like putting a meat thermometer in the turkey. Hey, cut it out. Especially all you divorce heads out there like me. Once a family has been blended and it's like a divorced family, unless you're you, you get a really, really good one. You know, there's A ceiling to the. To the love that you feel. Because most people will be strangers. You'll just. You'll be sitting at a table with people you don't know. Who are you? Someone will say that when you have a divorced family, somebody at the Thanksgiving will go, who are you? And you'll be introducing yourselves to each other at the Thanksgiving table because that's a stranger, that's someone you don't know. And you just met them because your mommy or daddy married somebody's mommy or daddy, and now you're meeting their cousin, whoever. Just have a reasonable expectation of it. Meet people. And sometimes the move is to hit a few Thanksgivings, sometimes the move is to hit a few. We're doing dessert with other people. You know, whether that's true or not, you don't want to get in too deep again. If you're in. If you're in a position like I am, where you're a child of divorce and you go to a house, you don't know who any of the people are, and you're sitting there, there's a lot of kids, some young people listen to the show. They'll be sitting at a Thanksgiving, and someone will be talking to them, and it'll be a stranger. They don't know who this person is. Your dad is plowing some woman, and she. He may not even have married her. Your dad's banging some woman, and her kid is talking to you or her sister's husband, whatever is talking to you. And you're sitting there and you're 16 or 17 years old, and you go, I don't know who the hell these people are. I don't know who they are. I. They're not my family. It's something. There's something. And you know, you shouldn't be rude to them. You shouldn't, you know, be ungrateful for whatever they do for you. They might make you a nice dinner. But know that you are. Your family has failed, and you are living in the ruins of that. Know that you're living in the ruins of what was an attempt at a life. You are now in the ruins of. Of two people's lives, your father's and whoever's. You're in that now. You're in the pieces that they're trying to pick up off the floor of their life. Doesn't mean the mashed potatoes aren't good. But just know that you are in an experiment. You are now a part of an experiment of people who are trying to. And I don't begrudge them this. They're trying to figure out their life. It's, you know, it's nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with you. And do the best that you can in that environment. If you're a child of divorce or you're in a blended family, and maybe it's a super cool blended family like the ones on TV or where everybody loves each other and everybody and, and, and it's not, it's not going to be. So you just have to do the best that you can. Living in the ruins of these people's lives, they're trying to create a meaningful life and you are just around. And there's nothing wrong with it, by the way. It's actually good. It's actually good because you, you then can, you know, you can enjoy it. And then maybe next year you go to mom's or Christmas, you go with mom and whatever. I don't know, I don't know how you're gonna live your life. But you know, I was talking to somebody the other day about Thanksgiving Eve, people used to go out in that analog, dial up, weird millennial world. People used to go out and they used to go to a bar with their friends when they came home from college. And I went to community college, so I didn't go anywhere. And Thanksgiving Eve, people would come out, they'd get really drunk and really fucked up and they'd see all the people that they knew this and then they would realize they couldn't really be friends with those people anymore because something had changed. And what changed was time. Time. Even that little bit of it from, from graduating from prom and graduation to November, which is, you know, basically six months even that has just now you're at a distance from people that you were close to. And that experience was an important experience. Going back and seeing someone, you go, oh, we're kind of tight. Oh, I was going to visit you. Yeah, I was going to visit you. And then nobody visits anybody. Our people do. People will occasionally, but it's the beginning of this, you know, it's the beginning of you growing up. And that's an important thing people don't do. Now people don't do, they don't really go out like, I mean, some people do, but people don't go out like that and have that experience where they would, they would see people on Thanksgiving Eve and like there'd be a cool family that would let you go to their house and you'd pre game at their house and the mom and the dad would be trying to Keep it going and you'd feel it for a little bit. You'd feel that old, good old fashioned feeling of being drunk in the suburbs in America. That would. It's a great feeling. Truly. It's one of the best feelings in life is being drunk in the suburbs in America, and at a friend's home in their backyard, smoking a weed. Yes, it'll make some people schizophrenic, the weed, but that is one of the greatest feelings you can have. But that, that feeling is less and less fun as you get older, and it gets sadder and sadder and sadder as you get older, and you get angrier and angrier as you get older. And then the people who get drunk in the suburbs at my age are scary. They're very scary. When they're really drunk in the suburbs at my age, they're usually not doing great. But when you come back from college the first time and you get to go back to your buddy's house and then maybe some of the high school kids are there and they're like, yo, what's that like? And I remember that. And I remember I was in community college, but I was still fun and people liked having me around. But I always felt like, because a good friend of mine ended up going to Cornell, this kid that I was friends with, he ended up going to Cornell, and I went nowhere. And I felt very insecure about that, as I should have, you know. Well, the joke's on him now because I'm the most important person in the world, actually. But. But I remember that, and I feel bad. Part of the reason people are losing their minds right now is the Internet sucks. It's not good. Your wins are barely wins and your L's are barely L's, meaning, like, the lives that everybody has created on the Internet are deeply unfulfilling lives. And even remembering, like, simple things that you would do, you know, with friends or whatever. These, these things that are so important to do in life, people don't even do them anymore. People don't do them. Everybody is being manipulated by algorithms and they're all going insane. But life's actually kind of simple and it's not that complicated. And. And truly one of the best things you can do when you're, you know, I know everyone's like, nobody wants to drink anymore or do whatever. And I'm again, I'm sober 15 years. I know that drinking can be fucked up. But one of the best things you can do as a young person is be drunk in the suburbs. Of this country with your friends. There's only a finite amount of time that you will get to. To live a silly life without responsibilities. And you shouldn't immediately. You should not totally get rid of that to become some political psycho or somebody who needs to make a billion dollars in crypto tomorrow or looks max, where you're smashing the bones in your jaw with a hammer. And that's what people are doing. They're smashing. And these are. They're already hot. These people are already hot and they're smashing bones with a hammer to make their face shape. And this is a bad life. If you're smashing the. Your bones with a hammer to make your face and you're already hot. Some of these guys, I go, you're already hot. What are you doing? If that's what you're doing, or if you, if you. If it's all politics or if you are trying to be a so rich and that's consuming your life, and you're not laughing with your friends and you're not trying to meet someone like it just these lives that the people create, they're. They suck. Truly. They're not good lives. You know, like you, You. You read about these people that are. Go radicalized one direction or the other. They're. They're, they're angry all the time and they're, they're. They have all this purpose and they're. But. But none of it's like. None of it's to, like, have any fun. So everybody's trying to get rich and change the world, but no one's having any fun. I have a lot of fun. I do. I try. Even though sometimes it's hard because my phone is tapped and there's people trying to kill me. And by the way, and I was texting Candace this morning, you know how insulting it's gonna be when I find out how much they paid for me to get killed? Nothing. They're transferring. She thinks her and I. And I believe her. She found something that they transferred. 1.5 million somebody. I don't know what's going on, but, you know, they're Gonna Venmo Somebody $60 to hit me in the head. You know, insane. That's gonna be. They're gonna venmo $60 for somebody to just come up and hit me in the head. But I still try to have fun. Small. You do small things that are fun. You don't need to solve the world's problems. I love dupe. I love dupe. I'm telling you right now. Are you insane to not use dupe? I'm like, it's like big, big, big, dupe, dupe, dupe, dupe, dupe. Have you ever found the perfect couch or lamp online? Then the sticker shock reminds you it's out of reach of your budget. That's why I go to dupe. It's simple. Just type dupe forward slash before any product URL and dupe instantly shows you similar and more affordable alternatives. It's perfect for finding the best deals for holiday shopping. And these aren't sketchy knockoffs. The truth is, most products you see online, from furniture to fashion to gadgets, are mass produced the same factories. Honey, got a dupe? Oh, we can't afford it. What about dupe brands? Slap different labels on this crap. Dupe services those same prices pieces for way less. You're not overpaying, honey. Go to dupe. So what? Your sister is the other thing. We'll get one on dupe. Your sister's a fool. She wants to spend all her husband's money. She's sick, your sister. Honey, you know that. She's a bad person and I'm sick of it. Just go to dupe. And here's the kicker. For a limited time, the first 10,000 people go to dupe.com Tim will get 500 dupe points instantly redeemable for gift cards. No catch. But spots are limited, so don't wait. That's dupe.com Tim. For 500 free dupe points today, use your dupe points and and gift cards to make the most of your holiday shopping. Go to dupe.com folks./tim dupe.com D U P E Don't be a dope. Go to dupe. The thing with having friends and going out in real life, one of the reasons you want to do it is so that you can meet people you don't want to be like your friends, have uncles. My friend had this uncle. We called him Drunkle. He was a great guy. He had a chubby wife. They would drink and beat each other up and he hung out with us all the time. He was drunk and he was angry and he smoked. And there's a lot of great things about him, but we said, we don't want to be him. He lived in this basement apartment. Him and his wife would get hammered and fall down. And as fun as it was, we said to ourselves, this is a problem. But they were very fun people. They were good people and they took us in and let us drink and use drugs in their home. But we we, they just, you know, there was a really, really fat guy once in a limo, and we went to a strip club. And this really, really fat guy was like, what? I get in that club, I'm going to fucking tear it up. And then he just slept. He fell asleep. Because when you're that big, his body's working so hard to just stay alive. He fell asleep in the strip club. I'm sorry, in the limo, before we got to the strip club. And then we all went outside to the limo. And he woke up on the way back to my friend's house where they were dropping everyone off. He had just slept the whole time in the limo and he had never made it into the strip club. And we said, and we said to ourselves that, that's tough. He was a good guy, but he was so big that his body was working so hard to just stay alive that he couldn't get into the strip club. He fell asleep in the limo for. And we were in there a couple hours. He just slept in the, in the, he slept in the limo. It's just this really, really, really big guy sleeping in the limo. And it's important for you to see things like that as a kid to go, I don't know if I want that. I don't want that as a life. Doesn't mean you're gonna be perfect. But you go, I don't want that as a life. You know, like the, the drunk uncle would break up with the chick all the time. They'd have these screaming fights, she'd be banging on his door. They'd fight on the lawn. The neighbors would call the cops on him. And there, there was a. They were fun. But you would say, I can't live like that. Too much chaos and, and that's why you need to go out. But I feel like that I, I gotta be honest, not to sound too dark. I just feel like that's not coming back. Like those real world experiences that are so important aren't coming back where, you know, everybody's formative experiences now are all digital, they're all online. So people are just again, smashing the face with the hammer. The looks, maxing the bitcoin. I need to have all the money in bitcoins. What young people do. I need all the money now. I want to drop ship. I want to have a Lamborghini. I want to live in Dubai. It's like, dude, relax. Be 19. Calm down. I mean, there's plenty of time in life for you to get involved in some scam. And it's like, you'll be around. Statistically you'll be around to get in a scam at some point in your life. That won't work out. You don't need to do it when you're 12. You don't need to be in a scam at 14 years old trying to drop ship and playing these games like people are just chasing and online puts it all out there. It's like, you know, I'd be like, all these coaches are always coaching people as to how to like just make millions of dollars. And all these coaches do is drive around and have other people film them driving around in a Lamborghini. So I mean, I, I don't even understand what the money is for at this point. And then all these young people are like, well, I gotta make all this money so that someone can film me driving around in a Lamborghini. And then I don't understand. So what? I don't know. I mean, then you have a Lamborghini. Okay, I don't. Is that all anyone wants is to just live in Miami and have a Lamborghini? It's like a horrible life. This is. People that don't know any. This is what you want. When you're a 15 year old, you want to have a Lamborghini and live in Miami. You think it's a good life. It's a terrible life. I know a lot of people that have. It's like a terrible life. They live in like some white apartment that looks like they're living in a club. They upload photos of themselves on, on the terrace of that apartment, which is. Are they paying for it? Who knows? There's a film crew that's always filming them go from room to room to room. And then they get in the Lamborghini and they go out to clubs every night. I mean, it sounds fun if you're 14. When I was 14. That's. It's an amazing life. Why would that ever get old? Hot chicks or hot dudes or whatever, and there's a beach and you're in Miami. It's not great. I don't know one happy person that lives in Miami that has a Lamborghini. Not one, not one person in Miami that's genuinely happy that has a, a $300,000 car in Miami that's really happy. It's. I mean, and again, it's not, it's not shitting on people that want to make money, but go do something you like. You got one life. You just want to make a bunch of money for What? To get some whore, some only fans whore in Miami, to ride around in a Lamborghini with you and do coke? Like, I understand that it seems great to be, you know, doing lines of Adderall at 2 o' clock in the morning wondering if some whore is stealing from your Miami apartment. I understand that. That seems amazing. Is this whore stealing my watch in a Miami high rise? I know that's what people want, but there's more to life. There's more to life than that. Like a lot more. Truly. You'll be happier doing other things. You'll be happier doing other things with your time than that. I know that's the goal. That seems to be the goal of like every person that exists on the Internet under 25 years old. They all want to live in Miami. They all want to have a Lamborghini and they all want to wonder if an only fans whore is stealing your watch at 2 o' clock in the morning. Is she going through the drawers? What is she looking for? If that's the life you want and you want to go to the deed, all these DJs got DJs playing. And I like these guys. I like John Summit. I like these people. Enough with the DJs and the crap. Enough. Enough with this Coachella and all this garbage. Enough with this shit. Enough. It's not a life. It's not a life. It is not a life to go to Coachella and dress up like an Indian and stand there in 98 degree weather. You know, on. Unlike angel dust or whatever. I mean, they're not even doing angel dust. They'd be more interesting. I don't know what they're doing. I mean, I guess they're on shrooms. What? A bit Molly. If they're on Molly. It's not a life. It's not a life to stand at a conc. Stop with the concerts. That's another thing. Stop with the concerts. Enough with this crap. Stop with the concerts. Enough. It's not a life to go see live music. It's not a life with that. With these concerts. These drug addicts, they get out of jail, they put them right on stage, and you're up. You pay $120, see some junkie with 15 children. Enough with the concerts. Stop. Stop with this. Every minute of the day it's someone at a concert. No one has a dollar to their name. No one owns anything. Not to sound like Ben Shapiro, but he might be right about that. Nobody has a dollar. And everybody's watching Billie Eilish pretend to Sing for three hours. Stop. Get a life. Get a job. Truly. Stop with this crap. You're going to see. Dj, enough with this shit. The bottle service, the Vegas and the fight. Stop with the fights. Stop with this ufc. You don't have the money for that. Go get your own ass kicked in the streets where you live, where the government doesn't enforce the crime. You go get jumped somewhere if you got a passion for that. Stop going to ufc. Cut it out. It's not a life. It's not a life. Going to ufc. It's not a life. Sitting in the thing. Don't. UFC fight. It's not a life. It is not a life. Not a life. Stop this shit. I see all this crap online, and these people just go from a Miami apartment to the UFC to a concert to see some junky criminal, and you know what I mean? It's. What is this? What is this? It's a collection of meaningless shit. It's a collection of meaningless horseshit experiences that mean nothing. Yeah, you know, I saw John summit at the dead that we went. What do you have said that we went here, then we went there stuff. It's nothing. There's no through line. There's no thrift, nothing. What are your photos going to be when you're old? A photo of you at. At. At a day party and fucking at the Wind. What is this? It's not a life. It isn't. It's a collection of things that. That look like a life from the outside. I'm telling you, it's the. And this is what the Internet does. It gives you the idea that these things are life. Well, I have a life. I went to Coachella and we. No, no, it's wrong. It's wrong. You think it's a life because it's a. It's a photo dump. You. You went to brunch at a pancake that, you know, some Asian talked about, and that's great. I like Asians and I like what they're doing in the Breakfast Realm, but it's. It's not the point. That's not the point. Oh, well, Tim, you have a pancake on your. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm in a game that I didn't create. What I'm saying is this. The things you're doing are not a life. You're these. These random things you're doing that you're only doing because other people, you know, are doing them. Other people, you know, are doing the things that you are doing. Look, let me tell you something. And you need to hear this. We live in a world that's designed to steal from you. It's designed to leave you exposed. And the greatest scam of all. The data brokers. These people are selling your life, your credit score and pictures of your grotesque family to the highest bidder. We all talk about how every move we make leaves a trail, attacks a pathetic post. Every time you buy a coffee, nothing disappears. And that's a problem. After seeing what these scammers and identity thieves are doing with stolen data, it genuinely hit me. We are all walking targets. I had a situation recently, and this is a true story, where somebody was trying to open a bunch of credit accounts and in my name. This is not true. They had my old address, my phone number, even the name of my dog, which is confidential. Never had a dog. This information was out there, sold by some loser data broker. For $5, criminals can open credit accounts, file tax returns, or even commit crimes in your name. These are all true things. Which is not. Doesn't apply to me. Just by buying up these pathetic little spreadsheets of your life. It's disgusting. That's why you need to realize that Incogni isn't just about deleting your data from a few lists. It's about removing yourself from the Internet. It's about vanishing from the digital grid before it collapses and takes your identity with it. That's why I use Incogni and you should too. And Cogni reaches out to these companies and tell them to delete your information. You give them permission once and they relentlessly handle the rest. Now they've launched this feature. It's brilliant. It's a total game changer. It's what you need if you have a stalker, an axe or somebody who hates your guts. I'm talking about Incogni's new custom removal feature available in the unlimited and family unlimited plans. This is huge. If you see your private information, maybe your actual home adjacent phone number floating around in a specific scummy site, you can flag it and Incogni will go after it directly. This is the kind of protection you need when the world is full of psychopaths and losers who want to ruin your life. Criminals used expose personal information for scams, talking, harassment, other illegal activities. If you want to protect your privacy and take your information off the market before they use it to bankrupt you and ruin your reputation, go to incogni.com TimDelen that's I n c o g n I.com TimDelen use the code Tim Dillon for 60% off an annual plan. This is actually a great thing because this is a huge problem and I hear it from everybody. You got to get out there and protect yourself. Incogni.com Tim Dillon do you know the three T's of Thanksgiving? Turkey for eating, table for gathering and touchdowns for winning. 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Tax may apply to Illinois 21 +. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Voiding Ontario restrictions apply. Bet must win, receive bonus pass which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required for additional terms. Responsible gaming resources see DKNG Co Own Ltd. Time offer. Like this Sean Duffy, this guy who's running the travel thing, goes how Americans turn flying into accessible. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy urges travelers to dress up and be in a good mood. Hey, Sean, fuck you. Hey, fuck you. By the way, shut the fuck up. How about you get the planes in the fucking sky, you scumbag, and shut the fuck up? I'm sick of being lectured by this fucking government that knows nothing about what. What's actually happening out there. Okay, first of all. First of all, the whole entire experience of travel has become a. An unending hell, okay? Everybody is understaffed. There are delays at all the major airports. The airports are old. They've fallen into disrepair. The planes are old. The pilots are underpaid. The staff is underpaid. It's a horrible experience, Sean. It's a bad fucking experience. Let's watch him. Let's watch this guy and fuck him. Something I didn't know in 20, 19, 40% increase of in flight outbursts by passengers. Because they've had it. Because they've had it. There should be more. Hold that. There should be more outbursts on flights. You should get on a flight and start throwing haymakers. There should be a flight, should be nonstop fighting from the minute you get on a plane till it lands. The way that you were treated when you travel in this country, there should be nothing but violence from the traveling public who've had enough. Let's see a little bit of this here. Incidents. You want to change that?
- [41:44]
B
Yeah. So Donald Trump talks about the golden age of transportation, the golden age of America. But the golden age in transportation truly begins with you, the traveler.
- [41:53]
A
Right?
- [41:53]
B
And so if you think I want.
- [41:55]
A
To tell you, stop that. How would it begin with me, you fucking moron? How would the golden age of transportation start with me? When I get there and I'm. I'm literally at that. The whole thing has nothing to do with me. I have no input on how anything's run. I just show up. You buy a neck pillow and you get on a plane. I'm there 40 minutes before the flight, thanks to clear. How would the golden age of transportation start with me? You retarded. It doesn't even make sense. The golden age of transportation starts with me. Do you have. No, you're the secretary of transportation. It should start with you. How about not passing the buck to me? Well, then what the fuck are you getting paid for, you scumbag? The golden age of transportation starts with the people. How about you? Whose job? You're the secretary of transportation. You, you fucking scumbag.
- [42:52]
B
At the baggage claim, you have passengers berating gate agents because they're retards.
- [42:59]
A
Because they're fucking stupid. Stop hiring stupid retards to work. And they wouldn't need to be berated. But since you keep putting these fucking down syndrome people and no disrespect to them, by the way, I don't even like that I use that word, but you know what I mean. I had a cousin with dancer. I have no problem with the dancer community. I like them. They're sweet people. It's not their fault. But even that you are putting people behind the desk at these things that shouldn't be there. And then I shouldn't berate them. Why should I not berate them? They're berating me. They're berating me.
- [43:43]
B
Passengers on airplanes, people dress up like they're going to bed with when they fly.
- [43:48]
A
You don't even have a tie on. You scumbag.
- [43:51]
B
They're having a hard time taking their luggage and getting in the oversized or the above bin. Help people out, be nice, be courteous. And so we want to push people as we come into a really busy travel season. Help people out, be in a good mood, dress up, bring civility back to travel. And I think everyone's experience is going to be that much better.
- [44:13]
A
Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't take off? Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't leave the Runway? Sean, you scumbag. You dirtbag. Telling people to dress up. Get the plane in the air. You dirtbag. Why would I dress up to. I know I don't take these airlines, but why would people dress up to go to Frontier Airlines? Hey, Sean, their lives suck. That's why they can't dress up. They're going to identify the body of their daughter. That's why they're taking that flight. Shawn. Maybe they don't want to put on a nice holiday sweater. They're going to identify to see if the body in the lake is their daughter. And they don't have a lot of money, so they're on Frontier Airlines. And the body's been in the lake for a few days, so it's starting to. The stomach's distended, but the facial features are still pretty intact except where the wounds are. Maybe they don't want to put on a nice. A nice pantsuit so they can go down to Austin, Texas, identify the body in the lake. Why do you think people are traveling, Sean? They're traveling because their lives are terrible. A lot of them, some of them are going to the holiday. Sure. A lot of them are just leaving under the COVID of night because they owe money and they're trying to settle somewhere else. So maybe they don't feel like dressing up to get on a budget flight to Phoenix to work at another tattoo shop and hope this one works. He's. I'm sick of people in government going. Well, the golden age of travel starts with you. Dress up. Be cardi. Hey, Sean, no one has any money. No one has any goddamn money, you fool. Why isn't everyone dressed up on the Southwest flight? Cuz everyone's fucked, that's why. Why wouldn't they help somebody? Everyone helps people with the luggage. Nobody doesn't help people with the luggage. That's such bullshit. Get up. Get up. Spirit Brawl and hit Image. Spirit airlines brawl. Play something good. This is what it is. This is what life is. What year is this from? It doesn't even matter. Yeah. Play this. All you got to be careful. I want to. I want to. I want to feel it. No word on if any of the passengers involved are facing charges. Speaking. Spirit is looking into it. Well, at the very same airport. Tense moments for passengers. This is a Delta flight where Hayes. Yeah. Filled the cabin of a plane official. How about dressing up for that morning at 8? Don't you want to dress up for the plane to go on fire? South Carolina. But then came the haze. Yeah. The crew declared an emergency. That's right. Immediately returned to the airport. Put on a nice shirt. Delta now looking into the. Everything's a joke in this country. Dress up nice. The planes are exploding in the sky. Dress up nice. Have a holiday spirit and dress up nice. Every minute of every day. I don't know why I get every plane issue. Every minute I'm awake, I'm getting some type of communication that a plane has been forced to turn around, okay. Over the Atlantic because a pilot is trying to kill themselves. Okay. Every minute of every day, there's some engine failure, a fuel leak, a hydraulics issue, smoke in the cabin, an unruly passenger, a medical emergency. People just get. People go on planes right now and just die. And then they got to land the plane. So this guy is basically like, why aren't you dressing up for what's going to be one of the worst experiences of your life? Now, here's one point he does have. You should dress nicely when you fly because it might be the last time you ever put on clothes. It might be. The end might be dead. There's too many people flying. There's too much travel in this country. It is motivated by this lie that there's meaning to be found elsewhere. There is not. There is not. Find a little corner of the world. Find a little store. Find a lesbian who makes a little donut. That's all you know. You see her, you go there, and she'll be in early making a little donut, that little lesbian. And you go in there and sure, she's feisty and not fun to talk to. You get a little donut. You get a cup of coffee. You walk your dog. Stop making this complicated. Find a little coffee shop where a lesbian makes a little donut, little fritter. But make it. I want to see them make it. I don't want it shipped in from somewhere. And I don't even like when they buy it. I want to see it being made by a lesbian. And. And then find an Italian restaurant called, like, Mama, Georgia, Theresa and Go to that once a week and get a bowl of spaghetti and talk to Mama Giorgio about all the migrants. And then you find a Chinese restaurant, you find a bar where you can go and talk to the bartender. You find a nice little gym, you find a little job, you find someone to share it with. And that's it. That's it. You're not this. Where are you going? Stop where you go. Can you imagine? We're. We're landing in Vegas in 20 minutes. For what? For what? For what? For what? To see a DJ and have your friend fall and die because he falls off a balcony or something? Just stay in your lip. Just find a nice little tent. You can still find them, by the way. There's not a lot of them. There's very few of them. You find a nice little town where you can get involved with a few nice restaurants and a pub, and that's what you do. Do not overcomplicate your life. You do not need a billion dollars in crypto. You don't need to be in Dubai because you're trying to not get kidnapped for your crypto. I was at a lunch the other day, and somebody's like, that guy's got a lot of crypto, but he always thinks he's going to be kidnapped. I'm like, what is this? What. What is this? What lives. Is everyone created by the. Oh, he did real well in crypto, but he thinks he's going to be kidnapped, like, every night. He can't even sleep. Folks. Just get a shepherd's pie at a local pub. It's ground lamb with carrots, some potato, some mashed potato, nice crust on top, you know, I mean, I don't know what to tell you here. I don't know what to tell you. What, you want to be in Dubai with $1 billion of crypto worrying about being kidnapped? What do you. Can we stop this shit? Stop this crap. Stop this garbage. Get out of la. No one cares about your script. Oh, you wrote a script? Cut this shit out. You think it's 2004. Stop. Go be a teacher in Vermont. Just go be a teacher in Vermont. Teachers are lazy people. They are lazy people. They do almost nothing. Truly. Here's my impression of a teacher. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the class. Today we're learning about photosynthesis. The light comes in and it does, you know, chlorophyll, it's all green. Fuck off. That's it. That's all they do. 100 grand. And then every summer they get to go out and, you know, Stomp around, do whatever the hell they want. Get a side gig. Just do that. Stop with this crap. You're collecting all these experiences, but they don't lead to. And they don't lead to anything. They're all these isolated events that, that are there to telegraph to other people how well you're doing or how much you're raging or turning up or whatever the fucking. It just doesn't matter. Just have local fun and just be around people that you have some level of comfort with. Everybody is over complicated life to a degree that's unimaginable. I have a weird life. I have weird friends. And a lot of them have high profile things and they're not happier than anyone else. Truly. It's a public service announcement now. I'm not gonna be friends. I'm not gonna like, not be friends with them. Maybe friends with you. What? Some of these psychos on Instagram are like, why don't you get dinner with me? I'm a regular person. What? What? Relax. Nuts. But the point is this. Get a fucking. I'm telling so many people I know they think life is such a complicated thing. They stress themselves out. These kids stress themselves out. Find a good scam. Find a nice little townhouse. Enough with the garbage. Get a dog. Get a dog. Not the Shiba Inu. I don't like that. It's too perfect looking. I don't dig it. Everyone else likes it. I don't like that Australian shepherd either. That Merle, I don't like its eyes. But get a dog. Go on a date. Go on date night with the wife. You take her on a little date night. You go to the French restaurant in town. You want to be in Dubai going, is that, Is that a creek in the door or is someone kidnapping me for the. Am I going to get tied to the chair and tortured for my crypto? That's happening to people all over the place. They're getting tied to the chair and beaten for their crypto. And that's what everyone wants. They go, I want to live in Miami and I want to get kidnapped in the middle of the night and taken to a warehouse and tied to a chair and beaten from my crypto wallet password and wonder all the way there if the only fans who are I'm fucking gave them my address. The answer is yes. Don't overcomplicate your life. I love aura frames. It's one of my favorite gifts. For a limited time, visit auraframes.com and get $45 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames. Name number one by Wirecutter. This is a digital frame. Unlimited free photos and video. Preload photos before it ships. Personalize your gift. Share photos and videos effortlessly. It includes a beautiful gift box. I'm such a fan of Aura Frames. I'm telling you right now. Use promo code Tim at checkout. That's auraframes.com promo code T I M. This exclusive black Friday Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year. So order now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Let's talk about something smart you could do before the year ends. Donate your car to Cars for Kids. You've heard the name. You heard the song-1877-cars for kids. You could probably hum it. 1877-cars- for kids. You've got a car you don't need. Guess what you do with it? Cars for Kids. You've got two cars. You only drive one car for kids. You got a car you swear you're going to sell but haven't listed in six months. Donated to Cars for Kids. Here's how it works. You go to carsforkids.org Tim. You fill out a simple quick form. They pick up your car for free. You get a tax deduction and vacation voucher. And kids, real kids get the benefit. That's the cycle. Cars for Kids help kids. Cars for kids help kids. It's a season of giving. So clear out the driveway, do some good and start the new year with a nice little tax deduction. Go to carsforkids.org Tim or right now to donate cars4kids.org Tim. That's cars with a K. I hear Keshe Patel may be out. I hear Pete Hegseth might be out. We don't know. Could be. Is this Russia, Ukraine deal going to go through? I don't even care right now. I don't even care about this. Russia, Ukraine. I'm uninterested. Kalshee.com will tell you who will leave their role in the trans in the Trump administration. 12% say cash Patel. Here's what I'm saying, okay? Be thankful for simplicity. This is really listen up here. Really listen up. Be thankful for the simple things in your life. Reconnecting with people or, you know, having a good productive first date or something. Or working at Panera when you got out of rehab. Yeah, it's not the best job, but you just got out of rehab. You're lucky you're not dead. Be thankful for these things. Truly be thankful for this. Local is the answer Global is not the answer. Well, what's the Ukraine to. Shut up. Tell me about your deli. Tell me about the school you're gonna send your kids to. Local is the answer. Be thankful for local. I'm telling you. You know, I talk to so many people, and so many of them are insane, and. And their lives are so complicated. And some of that's their fault, and some of that's not their fault. Some of that's just the way it is and the way it goes. But some of the happiest people I know, there's such a simplicity to their life. They've learned that they don't. They don't need. Like everyone. Young people today, everything's got to be dialed up to. Everything's gotta be the craziest thing, the richest. I'm the richest part. Like, oh, everyone wants it, and you're chasing nothing. You're going nowhere. It's meaningless. The things you want are meaningless. Develop some faith. Engage in a healthy way with religion. Engage in a healthy way with a passion. Truly get a hobby, get a partner. These are all important things. You don't need to be the richest person. You do not need to make all this money in crypto. You. You don't need to have. You know, you don't need to have a crazy social media presence that makes people feel guilty or something. You don't need to. You can go have fun and not put it on. On Instagram. And I'm not saying don't go have fun or don't go have experiences, but cut. Cut it out with the half of the shit you people are doing. Enough of this crap. Enough. All right? You know, Chapel Roan. Enough with this. Who cares? Who cares? I know some guys are just posting photos with Chapel. Oh, I know Chapel, Ron. So what? Who cares? There's nothing cool about that. There's nothing cool about that. I know Marjorie Taylor Greene. How about that, you scumbag. Well, it's true. I hope she's. Well, she's left her. She's left the Congress. I'm just saying that people need to. People need to dial it down, turn it down. I would go to these people that have all these dreams with the looks maxing. They're all smashing their jaws with a hammer and go, this is. What kind of woman you getting here? What kind of woman is requiring this of you to smash your jaw with a hammer like this? All you need to do is be a person, learn how to be a person. I mean, I don't know. I'm just Saying it's definitely. I did a J. Crew commercial the other day. It was a lot of fun. There was a lot of kids on set because I was playing a coach and they were in the. It's like a short film for. For J. Crew. I play like a ski coach who's yelling at the kids. One of the children, a nine year old, started a rumor that I had a wig on. Okay? The other kids, he started a rumor that I had a wig on. I started going back and forth with this person who was nine years old, who was actually very cruel. Another one of the kids, they were calling me Tim Cheese. They were doing the 67. They're trying to on me. I called one of them. I was like, oh, yeah, young Sheldon. So I got him bad. And I did hurt him. I saw it in his face. But they were pieces of shit to me. They were vicious, they were disrespectful. They were not professional at all who were on set. They were actually not professional at all. And it was hurtful because I thought that there would be a level of respect and that their parents would have talked to them about who I was and things that I had accomplished. But that's not what happened, okay? This show is like huge. And no one, not one kid cared at all about me. It was insults and insults and this one and that one and big back. That's the one I called Young Sheldon. He called me fat. Then it became about Israel. Here's the point. Who are these little bums? I don't feel bad for them. I hope AI takes everything from them. I said that to them. I said, none of you will have jobs. AI will take it all. AI will take it all, okay? So I'm just saying the experience I've had with that generation has been really negative, really negative. They're just all sociopaths. Okay? Some of them were okay, but like I'm. They were like. Some of them were okay with the lines. I think I did a good time. I think I did well. It was an all day shoot. Everyone was getting tired. Everybody was fighting, you know, but they held it together for the most part, you know? But I'm just like. I have a really limited interaction. Like, I don't. I don't know what's going on with younger people. I just know from what I saw, I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. There's no respect for authority. One of them threw like a. Like a sloth thing at me. None of it was Cool. None of it was cool. So I'm just saying that I want. I want to. To give advice to people and tell them that, like, all the things I see online, these trends are all ultimately very destructive. And, you know, I'm really sick of the, you know, we need to make things easier for younger people and we need to change the value system, because the value system is, like, rotted. It's completely rotted. And the lives if the. I don't know who these people are looking up to. I don't know what. They're not even watching movies. Like, you used to want to live in, like, a nice Tudor style house in an area with, like, changing, you know, changing seasons and you have a little family and everything like that. That's like the dream, the home alone kind of dream. You want a community. You want a lot of people around you. And now, like, everyone's like, how wouldn't it be cool if I lived in Miami with an onlyfans whore and we snorted Adderall and then someone kidnapped me? Cause I have crypto. And you're like, I just don't know what happened. I don't know how that became the goal of young people in this country. It's like, not good. Everyone wants to be some type of quasi criminal who's like, on a private jet landing at Opelaka Airport in Miami, ready to go. Rage. You're supposed to be in the suburbs of America. Save the suburbs. That's what it should be. You need. It's a very, very simple thing. It doesn't need to be the craziest thing. You don't need to. You can go to Coachella once. You don't have to go every year. You don't have to go every year. You don't have to go every year. All right. It's crazy. Oh, you're at the Caliucci. What's this? At the concert. The Cali Uchi concert. Hey, hey, hey. Enough with this. Go to the dentist. Be a dentist. Go be a dentist. When someone goes, oh, I'm going to Kali Uchi concert. What are you doing? You go, I'm a dentist. I'm a dentist. You know? You know, it's a play a little bit of that, of the Kali Uchi concert, if we can. It's Kiss. It's K A L I, right? Kaliucci. I have a friend who's on tour with him. I'm sure it's great. Can we play this? We're going to get played. A little bit of it.
- [65:59]
C
Pyro.
- [66:02]
A
It's fine. It's good. It's good. But you don't need folks. You don't need to do this all the time. You don't need to do this all the time. You know, this is all I see people doing. All I see people doing now is they just go to a concert. They just get. They just take drugs and go to a concert. Who cares? Go somewhere else. Stop this crap. Don't get mad at me. I'm the messenger. I'm the messenger here. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. Thanksgiving dinner, tough. In a tough economy. Guess what? So what? Do half what you do, do half of the dinner this year. Do half of the dinner, do half of what you usually do. And if people don't like it, have. Have everybody bring one thing, and it's already over anyway. This comes on Saturday. Who cares? I'm just saying that's what I would do if I was hosting Thanksgiving this year. You know what I would do? I would tell everybody, if you want to eat it, bring it. Bring it if you want to eat it. Because I don't have anything this year. That's what I'd say. I don't have anything. And you're not coming in my house. You're not coming in my house. We're going to sit in the driveway and we're going to solve the Charlie Kirk murder with Candace Owens. That's Thanksgiving this year. That's Thanksgiving this year. That's what it is. Come solve the murder, solve the case. I come in, I have a big whiteboard. You come over my house for Thanksgiving, a big whiteboard, and I have names and planes and. And that's what we're doing. We're going through the whole thing from the jump. That's what we're doing. Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for all of you and obviously the people who watch this show. I'm thankful for you. Thankful for our brand sponsorships and partners that align with our core values and mission. I'm thankful for friends and family. I'm kidding. I am. I'm thankful for the Mideast peace agreement. I am. And I hope everybody there can just kind of take a moment because it's been a rough couple of years for a lot of people over there, and I hope they realize that life is so precious and it's time now for rebuilding and healing and not being a knucklehead, because the last couple of years, people over there have been knuckleheads and dodo birds and if you're a knucklehead or a dodo bird. It's not the way. So what I'd like you to do, if you're in the Middle East, I'm not even specifying where, but if you're in the Middle East, Israel, Palestine, Libya, Lebanon, whatever, don't. Turkey, Saudi Arabia. Even though you fired me, I've. I moved past it. Don't be a knucklehead. That's all I'm saying. Hey, in Chicago, everyone's shooting each other. Stop doing that. I'm thankful I didn't get shot in Chicago. They shot seven people a few blocks away from my hotel. I'm thankful for that. Stop shooting each other. I'm asking you nicely now. It's not. I need to think, oh, it's cool if I go shoot this guy. And maybe it is cool. Oh, I'm not, you know, I can't tell you it's not cool. It's probably cool. It's probably cool. If you shoot a guy, people will look at you differently. You'll be treated like a serious person. You might get a woman out of. Is probably a cool thing to do. If you shoot someone in Chicago and kill that person, because now you're a legit person, it kind of legitimizes you in the eyes of many people. If you shoot someone in a callous way, like if you shoot him in the face, if you get out of a car and shoot someone in the face in the middle of Chicago, it's probably a really badass thing to do. But still, there's other ways. You know, there's other ways to get. Get those things. Get the respect and the woman. Not as immediate, probably. If you shoot someone, your cred goes up really high really quickly. And people are like, overnight. People are like, wow, that guy's. Don't with him. But there's. There's other ways to do that that might take a little longer. You just have to kind of settle in and screw in for the long haul. And they shot seven people in Chicago right outside of the Chicago theater. And I'm grateful I was not shot. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for that. And I'm thankful for. Because I played that theater a few times, I wasn't playing that theater this time. I was in some dump an hour outside getting some new material. And thanks to everyone who came. But I've played that theater a few times, and so I'm. I'm thankful I wasn't shot. Walking around downtown Chicago every day in this country that you're not Randomly shot is something you should be thankful for every day you were not killed in a car accident, in a road rage incident. Every day that you do not contract some type of tick borne illness, you should be thankful every minute that you are not victimized by some type of roving, frothing at the mouth psychopath who you know, like we MK Ultraed somewhere and like pulled out of the military to put into some special crazy program and like put them in a room with loud music and then just release them as like some type of kind of assassin psychopath and they just wander the highways trying to kill people. Every minute that guy's not in your face is a good minute. Be thankful for that every time you're not killed in a national park by whatever because no one even explains what happens there, People just disappear. But anytime you're not killed by some mysterious thing in a national park that nobody really wants to talk about, although there's areas of these parks you're like not allowed to go in and people don't really know what's going on, anytime that's not happening. Be thankful. Be thankful. Be thankful. You know what I mean? Anytime your child doesn't call you and go, there was a school shooting and my friend got popped. Be thankful because you're living in America. These things are all tragic possibilities. Be thankful. Be thankful truly. You don't have to jump up and down or whatever but like you don't need to be a millionaire. You just not. You just be thankful for the simple pleasures if not having a home invasion wake you up in the middle of the night. Be thankful. Be my friend woke up with a gun in her mouth. Give us the Birkin bags. Give us the bags, we'll get out of here. Be thankful. Be thankful that no one has woken you up with a gun in your mouth for your pocketbook yet. Be thankful. Be thankful. Be thankful for all these things. Be thankful that you are not, you know, in some type of crazy. Be thankful Israel's not blackmailing you. Be thankful. Be thankful. Be thankful. Be thankful you don't live in whatever on that, in that disputed territory, that Ukraine, Russia thing up there in the north. Be thankful. Be thankful that you are an American citizen with rights. Not a lot. And they will go away. You have them now. Be thankful for that. Be thankful you don't need to be a crypto billionaire who's kidnapped and tied to a chair and beaten for their password so they can take the fake money out of your account. And the onlyfans who are you don't need all that. You don't need all. You don't need a camera crew that lives in your house that takes photos of you driving Lamborghinis around a parking lot. You don't need it. You don't need it. Get a small little place and hang out there and live a life like a human being. You're not going to be able to do that soon. Everything I'm describing is the ultimate luxury. Soon robots are going to drag you out of your house and rape you on the lawn, and there's nothing you're going to be able to do about it. So be thankful that you can have a shitty little life. You're right at the end of humanity. You're right at the end of humanity. Be thankful you can have a shitty little life. Cause it's. It's not all gonna be sunshine and song. It's not all gonna be Coachella and cocaine. We're heading to a real, real interesting situation. Be thankful that you can have a shitty little life in a corner of the world that is still pretty free. For now, be thankful and I am very grateful. And I am thankful for all of you. I was kidding about Israel. Love you. Bye.
- [76:04]
D
Amazon five Star Theater presents Real Customer reviews performed by a real serious improv podcaster. Tonight's review Hot Sauce Eating this hot sauce is a fever dream. It's like acid turning my saliva into I chug almond milk to cut down the heat and assume it's over. But at 1am the sauce strikes again. It woke me from a deep slumber and sent me to the toilet. I took a runner's pose in the bathroom. I thanked my landlords for the tile floor. The pain rustled my gut like an M16 bullet spiraling about. Until finally I woke up 30 minutes later. Then, praying for the end. Settled and calm.
- [76:49]
A
But no.
- [76:50]
D
It rips the sheets off your bed, hurls you around in a fury once more, double flushes the toilet, punches a hole in the wall, then leaves 5 stars Erin B. Thank you for listening to Amazon 5 Star Theater. Looking for unforgettable gifts this holiday season? Like a hot sauce to literally burn your thoughtfulness into the memories of your friends. Find your perfect gift. This holiday on Amazon.
- [77:17]
C
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- [78:48]
A
What do you think makes the perfect snack? Hmm, it's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient. Could you be more specific when it's cravenient? Okay, like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter, available right down the street at a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just a second at a.m. pM. I'm seeing a pattern here. Well yeah, we're talking about what I crave, which is anything from AM pm. What more could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience ampm too much good stuff.