“Do you want to buy a racehorse?”

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Tony Kornheiser Show – “Do you want to buy a racehorse?”

Release Date: April 23, 2025
Host: Tony Kornheiser
Guests: Tim Kirchen, Greg Garcia
Produced by: This Show Stinks Productions, LLC

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Introduction

In the April 23, 2025 episode of "The Tony Kornheiser Show" titled “Do you want to buy a racehorse?”, host Tony Kornheiser delves into a variety of topics ranging from baseball insights to personal anecdotes from his guest, Greg Garcia. The episode features lively discussions with regular contributor Tim Kirchen and comedic perspectives from Greg Garcia, who shares experiences from his European comedy tour.

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Baseball Analysis with Tim Kirchen

Timestamp: [00:00 – 05:20]

The episode kicks off with Tony Kornheiser engaging Tim Kirchen in a detailed analysis of recent baseball games. Kornheiser shares his frustrations with last night's game, highlighting specific plays and managerial decisions.

• Tony Kornheiser: (02:21) "He gives up a triple, they're up by one. And he finally closes it out."

Kornheiser criticizes the decision to substitute pitchers prematurely, expressing his preference for allowing pitchers like Mitchell Parker to finish games when they're performing well.

• Tim Kirchen: (05:03) "Got through eight innings."

Key Discussion Points:

• Mitchell Parker's Performance: Körnheiser praises Parker’s control and ability to manage the game effectively despite not having high strikeout numbers.

  • Kornheiser: (06:25) "He controlled the game. He hits the strike zone, he's not fooling around."

• Managerial Decisions: The conversation touches on the drawbacks of overusing relief pitchers and the potential benefits of trusting starters longer.

  • Tim Kirchen: (05:17) "The worst thing you can do is get more pitchers up than you need."

• Orioles' Struggles: The episode highlights the Orioles as a major disappointment in the league, particularly their poor performance against left-handed pitchers.

  • Kornheiser: (26:03) "The Orioles are the worst hitting team in the major leagues against lefties."

Notable Quote:

• Tony Kornheiser: (28:58) "The only way they win is score a lot, score you. And right now they're not outscoring anyone."

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The Future of Golf

Timestamp: [00:00 – 02:08]

Before diving deep into baseball, Tony transitions to discussing the future of golf, highlighting young and influential players who are expanding the game's reach.

• Tony Kornheiser: (01:00) "Today's most impactful players aren't just on the pro circuit. They're everywhere."

Highlighted Individuals:

• Tommy Morrissey: A 14-year-old, one-armed golfing prodigy hailed as a driving legend since age three.
• Gabby Barker: A professional golfer inspiring more girls to take up the sport.
• Renee Fluker: Founder of a midnight golf program that imparts life lessons to thousands of kids in the community.

Sponsor Mention:

• Bank of America: Supporting golfers' growth and community programs. (Note: Advertisement content is minimized in the summary.)

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Auto-Pay and Subscription Services Rant

Timestamp: [06:25 – 14:57]

Kornheiser shifts to a personal rant about the transition to automated payment systems, using his experience with Brazier's Pest Control as an example of frustrating subscription-based models that complicate simple transactions.

• Tony Kornheiser: (08:12) "And I'm not doing that. And I'm not doing this."

He laments the loss of personal interaction in billing processes and expresses a nostalgic yearning for the days of handwritten checks and personalized service.

Notable Quote:

• Tony Kornheiser: (12:26) "This is the part of my world that is shrinking, that I don't like."

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Greg Garcia on His European Comedy Tour

Timestamp: [32:31 – 50:31]

Greg Garcia joins the show to share his experiences from his European comedy tour. He recounts performing in various countries, adapting his stand-up routine, and the unexpected challenges he faced along the way.

Key Highlights:

• Tour Countries: Norway, Amsterdam, Belgium, Scotland, Paris, London, Manchester, and Dublin.

• Stand-Up Experiences:

  • Initial nervousness and the learning curve of hosting shows without a traditional comedian setup.
  • Adjustments based on audience feedback and comedic timing.
  • Memorable moments, including a comedic mishap in Belgium and unique interactions in Dublin.

• Anecdote on Racehorse Ownership:

  • Garcia narrates a humorous incident involving betting on a horse race with fellow comedians, leading to an unexpected but profitable win.

    • Dan Byrne: (47:21) "We own it also. We own it with a horse guy who I should know his name and I'll tell you how we met him in a second."

Notable Quote:

• Greg Garcia: (20:53) "Shohei Ohtani is absolutely a machine when it comes to every movement makes him a better player."

Garcia's stories provide a blend of humor and candidness, showcasing the unpredictability of live performances and the camaraderie among comedians on the tour.

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Racehorse Ownership and Bet Story

Timestamp: [47:21 – 49:39]

Toward the latter part of the episode, Greg Garcia narrates the story of purchasing a racehorse named Big Dumb Eyes. An amusing twist occurs when a fellow comedian accidentally bets on a different race, leading to a serendipitous win.

• Dan Byrne: (48:28) "We take the ticket back to the horse guy. The horse guy goes, I don't even know what this is. This isn't the race I told you to bet on."

The group wins a substantial amount from a race they didn't initially intend to bet on, highlighting the random nature of horse racing and the unexpected joys of shared experiences.

Notable Quote:

• Greg Garcia: (49:27) "Nick won $2,400. Horse was 31 to make that bet."

Kornheiser humorously reacts to the story, reflecting on the whimsical nature of racehorse investments.

• Tony Kornheiser: (50:18) "But you just bought a racehorse. That was number two. That's worse than a restaurant. That's number two."

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Mailbag and Listener Engagement

Timestamp: [50:42 – 60:44]

In the latter segments, Tony engages with listener emails, showcasing humorous and creative messages that often playfully critique or poke fun at sports figures and situations.

Examples of Listener Emails:

• Ronnie Stof: Points out inaccuracies in a discussion about antenna usage for TV broadcasts.
• Dylan Riss: Suggests collaborative ideas for future podcast episodes.
• John Juback: Shares a humorous take on Conestoga wagons and modern sports perceptions.

Notable Quote:

• Tony Kornheiser: (54:37) "Wilbon needs to exit the ivory tower sometime. There's a picture of me holding bells up. Wine and tillamook. Coffee ice cream."

The mailbag segment emphasizes the show's interactive nature, blending listener contributions with Tony's signature humor.

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Conclusion

The episode “Do you want to buy a racehorse?” offers a diverse array of topics, seamlessly blending sports analysis, personal stories, and comedic anecdotes. Tony Kornheiser’s interactions with Tim Kirchen provide insightful commentary on baseball, while Greg Garcia’s tales from his comedy tour add a lighthearted and entertaining dimension. The blend of insightful discussion and humor encapsulates the essence of Kornheiser’s show, making it engaging for both regular listeners and newcomers.

Overall Highlights:

• In-depth Sports Analysis: Detailed breakdown of recent baseball games and player performances.
• Personal Anecdotes: Greg Garcia's experiences on his European tour and unexpected ventures into racehorse ownership.
• Humorous Interactions: Engaging mailbag segment with creative listener emails.
• Relatable Rants: Tony's candid frustrations with modern subscription services.

Notable Quotes:

• Kornheiser on Subscription Rants: (12:26) "This is the part of my world that is shrinking, that I don't like."
• Garcia on Ohtani: (20:53) "Shohei Ohtani is absolutely a machine when it comes to every movement makes him a better player."

This episode exemplifies the show's ability to traverse various subjects with wit, insight, and authenticity, maintaining its reputation as a top-tier daily talk show.

Transcript

[Tony Kornheiser]

Hey, it's Tony. On today's show, we'll talk with Tim Kirchen to see what has stood out to him in the first few weeks of the baseball season. We'll also check in with Greg Garcia to see how his European comedy tour went. But first, commerce. Let's shift to another topic that's always on my mind. The future of golf. Today's most impactful players aren't just on the pro circuit. They're everywhere. For starters, there's one, a 14 year old, one armed golfing prodigy Tommy Morrissey since the age of three. Yes, three. This kid could drive it down the fairway like a legend. Then there's pro golfer Gabby Barker, who's inspiring more girls to get in the game. And Renee Fluker is giving kids in our community life lessons through golf lessons. Her midnight golf program has helped thousands of kids build brighter futures. Right now, we're seeing the game grow in ways some never thought possible. I, on the other hand, always knew that golf had limitless potential to bring people together. Bank of America supports everyone determined to find out what's possible in golf and in life. Meet more game changing [e-mail] MastersGolf what would you like the power to do? Bank of America, NA Member FDIC Copyright 2025 bank of America Corporation. All rights reserved. Let's shift to another topic that's always on my mind. The future of golf. Today's most impactful players aren't just on the pro circuit. They're everywhere. For starters, there's one, a 14 year old, one armed golfing prodigy Tommy Morrissey since the age of three. Yes, three. This kid could drive it down the fairway like a legend. Then there's pro golfer Gabby Barker, who's inspiring more girls to get in the game. And Renee Fluker is giving kids in our community life lessons through golf lessons. Her midnight golf program has helped thousands of kids build brighter futures. Right now we're seeing the game grow in ways some never thought possible. I, on the other hand, always knew that golf had limitless potential to bring people together. Bank of America supports everyone determined to find out what's possible and in golf and in life. Meet more game changing [e-mail] MastersGolf what would you like the power to do? Bank of America NA Member FDIC Copyright 2025 bank of America Corporation all rights reserved.

[Nigel]

Previously on the Tony Kornhauser Show.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Wow, they're doing it again. They got a game like this again. And Finnegan is in and he walks the first guy, of course he walks the first gu.

[Tim Kirkjian]

A pass ball situation.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Someone gets to third and they're up by two. He gives up a triple, they're up by one. And he finally closes it out. And I write to Chuck and Chris. He drives you crazy. And then I realize, wait, that's, that's last night's game. What's the replay? That's the replay of the other game. And I write, what a stupid person I am. I'm so stupid. This is General George Washington and you're.

[Nigel]

Listening to the Tony Kornheiser Show.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So I got last night's game, right? Okay. I walked in at about the fifth inning last night. Mitchell Parker was the starter, left hand.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Gotta love this. 645 starts.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, I like that, Mitchell. And they're playing the O's, and the place is packed. That kid. They're playing. It's packed. Every seat is taken. It's great to watch. That's the interleague play we really want. That's what I want. I don't care when they play. You know, somebody else that I don't care about, Right. Tampa Bay. I don't care. Yeah, I want to see him play the Orioles. I, I, I only think there's about six natural rivalries. Seven Mets, Yankees, like that. You should have. And stop with this nonsense all the time. But in any case, I walk in around the fifth, he's given up one hit. He doesn't give up any more hits while I'm watching. He's a lefty. Looks pretty big. 6, 4, 6, 5. Looks like a big guy. Not the fastest guy in the world, you know, and, but he's got a very interesting motion. It's a very compact motion. There is no 6. Yeah, he looks pretty big. It's a very compact motion. He takes his arms up in the air, brings them to his waist and throws the ball. There's not a lot of turning. There's not all the stuff I learned to be a pitcher in Little League. It's not none of that stuff. None of that stuff. No. Not shaking it down. So I'm watching this, and the Nats are up. Dylan Cruz, who I was critical of a couple of weeks ago for good reason. He's got another home run. Got. He's got three now, right? He's got some rbi. Josh Bell still stinks. He had no force, he had no hits left. He's the only guy in the lineup had no hits. It's over. Like, stop. Like, just put somebody else. Put Jacob Young in at da batting.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Average, is it about, you know, right at Irvin's era, it's 130 or Mitchell Parker.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So it's like that in 130 or something like that. So if you have guys that you're worried about in terms of hitting, like, you're not sure Alex calls a good hitter, you're not sure Jacob Young is a good hitter. You love him in the field. Give them enough reps at DH to see if they can hit. Give them reps. Tell Josh Bell this has been great. Thank you. We'd love to have you on the team. We're not playing you every day. Yeah, and we're not playing you every day because you're a switch hitter, which means you can play every day as a dh. We're not going to do it anyway. The game is 3 nothing, 5 nothing, 7 whatever it is. And they take Mitchell Parker out. He's right around 100, just below 100.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Got through eight innings.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Right. Did great. Did a great job.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Simpson there. Let him go out again.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, well, I would have said that, too. Let him go out again. Let him finish. Yeah, he's up 7 nothing. You can yank him if anything goes wrong by 7:2. You have a plan.

[Tim Kirkjian]

The worst thing you can do is get more pitchers up than you need.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So to me, I would have put him back out there, but I guess everybody anticipated he wasn't going back out because they gave him a standing ovation when he walked off the mound after eight. They put in Pooch. They put in Pooch. A guy got to work through it. He's not a major league pitcher. And I'm listening. I'm listening to Franson and Zimmerman. Just be so encouraging of how good Pooch is. And he's just got to find it again. And, you know, it's. It's there. He'll just find it. He walks two guys in a row.

[Tim Kirkjian]

He tried to walk to third.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, he walks. He can't. No, he's not a major league. They had to take him out. A7 nothing. This is not a save situation. Finnegan's not going.

[Tim Kirkjian]

I felt like it was going to become a save situation.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So they got him out after one. He got one out.

[Tim Kirkjian]

He barely got the three hitters in the ninth.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And they put somebody else in. I never heard of Kelly.

[Tim Kirkjian]

I think he's my son, Henry.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I never heard of who he was. I never heard of this guy. They had to get Pooch out. I mean, what do you have to see? What do you have to see? That Every time he goes out there, it's. It's not good. Yeah. So anyway, so that's not what I want to talk about.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Big takeaway, though. Mitchell Parker. I mean, you. Look at you now. Three starting pitchers that you believe in, and he was.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Irvin. Mitchell Parker, what do you have, seven strikeouts, something like that?

[Tim Kirkjian]

No, last night he only had a couple.

[Tony Kornheiser]

It doesn't matter. He controlled the game.

[Tim Kirkjian]

He gets quick outs.

[Tony Kornheiser]

He controlled the game. He hits the strike zone, he's not fooling around. He's not going to. Oh, two and then three, two, and then walking. Now he's not doing that. No. So they have starting pitchers. They don't have relievers. You know, they just. They don't have relievers. I think they should have left him in and give him a chance. There are so few complete games, and he was, you know, under 100. Under 100. At that time. We got a lovely note and a box, a box of that from Jolene, who writes, I have very few words. Rory rises at Augusta a Master's moment worthy of Holy Week, which is lovely. She's there all. She's there all the time.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Has her seat right on 18.

[Tony Kornheiser]

She sent us cocktail napkins, prove ball marker, leather pouch for Michael, more of the coveted gnome items, and, of course, Masters Cups. And she writes, I don't know why I was chosen to receive these Masters badges for life, but I am humbled and full of gratitude each and every year, and probably a little bit more so this year because, yeah, you got to see Rory win. You got to see Rory saying to.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Nigel again before the show. There are certain years of the Masters that mean something after the winner, and it only grows. This is one that will grow and grow.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yes, yes, I agree. So thank you to that. And now I want to get to a couple of things which indicate that the world that I grew up in is over. There is a conspiracy to ruin the remaining days and weeks of my life. Auto pay, you know, well, that's one of them. But also, can I just say this? I don't usually do this. I give money to a lot of charities. Charities. Not a lot of money. They send me something, if I think it's good, I send them $100, something like that, you know, not. Not a lot of money.

[Tim Kirkjian]

They give a mouse a cookie, and then the.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And then the problem, of course, is they send you back stuff immediately. Yes. Immediately asking for more. Yeah. Oh, we've got one on the line. Yeah. Immediately asking for more. I got one back yesterday that I actually may Send more money to. Because I think this is significant. This is about bees. Bees are dying. Oh, yes. This is a plague to be. This is a big issue. We need to have bees. Absolutely. Like, I know nobody likes bees. Nobody likes to be stung by bees. Nobody likes bees flying around their head. I understand that, but we're using all our bees.

[Tim Kirkjian]

And this is tough because you're trying to convince the kids not all bees are the ones that you're afraid of.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Right. Like honeybees. We need the honeybees. Yeah. Well, they said honeybees look like the fighter bees. Yeah, they look. Yellow jackets. They send me all of these things, you know, they send you a list of flowers you can plant. Flowers you can plant that are good for bees. Yes. Yes. And I'm gonna do it. It's like asters, Black Eyed Susans, which I like. Yes. Current elderflower, huckleberry, purple corn flower, rabbit bush, rhododendron, snowberry, you know, sunflowers, all of these things, willows. And they bring bees around. They lost half a million bees on one farm the other day. Some guy poisoned all the bees. He poisoned all the bees. He should go to jail. Oh, that's terrible. Poisoning. The bees go to jail. So this is one. I know you can tell I'm sincere about this. Well.

[Tim Kirkjian]

And you have a yard where you can. You can dedicate some space, maybe get rid of some of that grass and put in local pollinators.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I'd like to do that. I'm going to count on Michael to.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Do that because I know what that directive sounds like.

[Greg Garcia]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I don't know how to do these things, but I'm happy to have them if Michael buys the flowers.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Great timing. After I did the Sunday lawn spray the other day. But that's only on a part of the grass.

[Tony Kornheiser]

If you buy the flowers, I will plant the flowers. And by I, I mean you will plant the flowers. But I will look at them and I'll be happy, and I'll think, this is good for bees. We have to save the bees. Yes. Let me just get to one thing. So I belong to. I belong to a pest control place that. The Delaware house has a pest control place. Braziers. Braziers. Pest control.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Is there a reason you signed on to the service? Like, was there a problem at some point?

[Tony Kornheiser]

I don't know, but everybody said they were good, so I signed up because you got to, you know, you got to have some. They come to your house, they do what they're supposed to do. And I don't worry yeah. And I like them. I'm not. This is not. This is going to like mosquito, you.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Know, services or for.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Ticks are important, particularly with the dog.

[Tony Kornheiser]

They do everything. Monkeys. I don't know that they treat monkeys. I don't think monkeys in the pest category yet. Yet might be that, yeah, monkey is a pest, maybe, but. No, but that's. They send me a letter. They send me a letter the other day. We hope this message finds you well. We wanted to inform you about an important update regarding your Braziers Pest Control Premium Protection Plan, which I get.

[Tim Kirkjian]

You're on the premium plan.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Sure, I get that.

[Tim Kirkjian]

No ads.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Effective immediately, your plan. Your plan will transition to an evergreen arrangement with subscription based monthly payments. We believe this change will offer you greater convenience and enhanced benefits moving forward. Why would you believe that?

[Tim Kirkjian]

It's a lot of buzzwords.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Why would you believe that? It's not going to offer me anything. You're doing it for you. Yes. Let's just understand. You're doing it for you. Enclosed you will find the updated payment agreement. Please take a moment to review, sign and return the agreement to us. Alternatively, you can easily complete the form through the email you received from. And they give the email address. I don't. I'm not doing that. And I'm not doing this. No. If you have already completed and returned the contract to our office, please disregard this notice. Additionally, if you are a business, please also disregard this contract. Thank you for being a valued customer of Brazier's Pest Control. Should you have any questions, call us. So they want me. They want to deduct money from an account on a monthly basis. $37 and 50 cents. Okay. That's. That's what they want to do.

[Tim Kirkjian]

And they want you to forget about it.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And they want me to forget it because occasionally I call them up and I say, I don't want to do this. I don't want to give you access to my money. I want to do what I'm doing. I want to pay you by check. Send me an invoice, I'll pay you. We don't send invoices anymore. Invoices are done. This is the part of my world that is shrinking.

[Tim Kirkjian]

It costs too much money to send out the invoice.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's right. This is the part of my world that is shrinking, that I don't like. I have paid these things all the time. But then she said to me, you can get. If you want to pay one lump sum, just pay one lump sum. Here's the money involved I said, I will be happy to do that. And I. Well, what about next year? We'll reach you, you know, because you're a fish. We'll reach you. But this is the part of my world, okay. The lawn people that I have out there, Coastal lawn and landscape, have they.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Filled in those bare spots yet?

[Tony Kornheiser]

No, no. The ones that you saw when you were out there.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Yeah. The one where you just sprinkle grass seed on three times a year and see if it takes.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. And I've asked them to help with this, and they say we'll get to it when it's on the list. Yeah. But they. They send me an invoice. But I used to. I would take the invoice, I would write a check. I would sign the invoice and say thank you, which seems a reasonable thing to do. And I would enclose the check, sign.

[Tim Kirkjian]

It for a later date, sign the.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Check, enclose the check in the invoice. They get back to me and they say, don't send us anything but the check. It's. We don't want to have to throw out the stuff that you send us what we don't want. In other words, you were opening the envelope to get the check, but you don't want to have to throw out the nice little note that I have enclosed. That is a hardship for you. So, again, part of my world is changing in a way that I don't want. We're going to cashless societies. I don't want that. We're going to checkless societies. I don't want that. We're going to. You get your hands on my accounts, and God only knows what you're going to do with them. Right?

[Tim Kirkjian]

Yes. I'm just surprised that they would take the time to send the message, don't include anything else, because you clearly have the capacity to open that. That to me.

[Tony Kornheiser]

You have to open it.

[Tim Kirkjian]

That's. Than trying to come up with a, you know, a billing and invoicing system that may or may not be where their company is right now.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Just do me a favor.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Just to have no personal connection.

[Tony Kornheiser]

None. Well, I talked to this one woman, but she was very insistent. She said, no, we know. We're not. We don't want to do this. We don't want to. But you have to open up that letter to get the check, and you don't want to throw out the piece of paper that's in there, which probably.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Offers a little bit more protection as you put this check through the mail.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Well, yeah, I Always thought you wanted to have like an. Then hides it. Yes. So people can't say, oh, it's a check. Let me just open up this letter and I'll make it out to myself.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Tony's going back through the master's box.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So agitated by the auto. No, no. Michael's getting a leather pouch.

[Tim Kirkjian]

You're gonna put that gnome right on the pti.

[Tony Kornheiser]

We got the gnome on the PTI set. Gnome was. Yeah, very. These are salt and pepper gnomes.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Oh, nice.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Give those away. We have to give those away. All right, that's. That's all I've got. Who's first? Tim Kirkchen. Tim Kirchen? Yes. I'm Tony Kornheiser. You're listening to the Tony Kornheiser show. You've heard me talk about collars and co makers of the amazing dress collar polo. Well, now they've taken things to the next level with their brand new maverick performance blazer. And you have to check this out. These blazers are sharp, perfect for travel. Why? Because they're wrinkle resistant. Just throw it in your bag. When you get to your destination, slip it back on. No wrinkles, no stress. Finally, no more figuring out how to travel with a blazer. And it's not just about convenience. The maverick performance blazer is made with stretch fabric so you can move comfortably all day long. Plus it's packed with smart features, inside security zip pockets, a built in optional pocket square, and even a sunglasses loop. While you're at it, pair the blazer with the collars and company famous dress collar polos. They've already sold over a million of these comfortable polos with the signature dress collar on top. So Visit Collars and co.com use the promo code Tony for 20% off today. Use the code people. That should send me one of these. Yeah, I'd like to see this. A non wrinkle blazer. Yeah, because then I don't have to carry a steamer around with me all the time. 24 chefs.

[Dan Byrne]

24 culinary showdowns for 24 hours straight. Which chef will out cook, outpace, outlast the competition?

[Tony Kornheiser]

No chef escapes the clock.

[Dan Byrne]

Season premiere 24 and 24 Last Chef Standing Sunday, April 27th at 8. See you first on Food Network stream.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Next day on Max. You're listening to the Tony Kornheiser show. The Tony Kornheiser show.

[Nigel]

Oh, Tiny and his wife had a baby. Oh, Tony and his wife had a child. The child assisted with the delivery. When they called their relatives, the baby dialed the number. The baby wasn't needing any of that Breastfeeding with skin as soft as silk. She drove to the store for milk and diapers and said, if there's anything I've missed, go ahead and add it to my list. The baby monitored its own breathing, Bought a chew toy in anticipation of teething. She's both delicate and brawny. The baby otawhone blue y and one brown. She's been seen all by herself in town. She's both overweight and scrawny. The baby Otani is she ambidextrous? You know it. She can play violin and she's a poet. She already rides a pony. Hey, Nani Nadu. The baby. Oh, Tommy.

[Tony Kornheiser]

The brilliant Dan Byrne. The brilliant Dan Byrne playing in Tim Kirkjin, by the way. I had no idea because I know nothing about Ohtani. Nothing. I had no idea he was married. When I saw that he was taking paternity leave, I had absolutely no idea. Is this is. Was it well known that he was about to have a child?

[Greg Garcia]

Tony, nothing is well known about Ohtani.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yes.

[Greg Garcia]

And he wants to keep it that way because I told you, he is a baseball playing machine and nothing gets in the way of him being the greatest.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Did we just lose Tim? We did. Hold on. Go back. Go backwards for a second. We just lost you for a little while and you were talking to. Just go back on what you said.

[Greg Garcia]

Last 20 seconds ago, because that's the way it works.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Now we've lost him again.

[Greg Garcia]

Wait, wait, wait. Tony, that's impossible. All right, let me. I'm in my car. It's a long story.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay, hold on. We lost him two different times for maybe a total of 10 seconds. Yeah, not long. Not long. Yeah.

[Tim Kirkjian]

He's coming back from the trail.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, it could be.

[Greg Garcia]

Okay. All right, Tony, is that better?

[Tony Kornheiser]

Much better. Much better.

[Greg Garcia]

I'm sorry. I just dropped my grandchildren off at school, so it's a tricky morning to say the least.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay, well, you were talking about Ohtani and you were talking about how Ohtani keeps his own counsel because all he cares about is baseball. And I was shaking my head in agreement that I know. I know nothing about him. Nothing.

[Greg Garcia]

Tony, he doesn't want you to know anything about it. He doesn't want me to know. He doesn't want anyone to know. I've told you before, he is a baseball playing machine. Everything, every move he makes in his life is surgical. All design to make him the most remarkable player that anyone has ever seen. So, yes, I knew that he got married. I knew that he had a baby, but he doesn't want you to know anything else. Not because he doesn't care about anyone else. He just can't let anything get in the way of his greatness. And that is one reason why he is. Shohei Ohtani is. He is absolutely a machine when it comes to every movement makes him a better player.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And I like to watch him. I really. He's an oak tree and I like to watch him. So. Oh. So Nigel told us that you were walking on the trail and you and Nigel ran into you. What is. Are you now obsessed with walking? Is walking your new deal?

[Greg Garcia]

No, no, no. We went to the canal with the kids, right. And that's where we saw Nigel. So I had to explain to my wife and my daughter and my son in law who Nigel is the stupidest thing ever. It's so funny. And so, so Nigel told us like where to walk, how to walk, and then he took bug spray out of his backpack and sprayed the entire family because we didn't bring any bug spray. He is so prepared for a hike. And here I am, I'm wearing like a collared shirt, I don't even know what I'm doing. And he's got boots on, he's got a hat, he's got bug spray. I didn't even know what I was doing.

[Tony Kornheiser]

It's good to know. Good to know. All right. We are not quite a month into baseball, so, you know, I'm not asking for any judgments or anything like that, but I would ask what has. Is there a team that is the most surprising to you so far, either good or bad, where you just say, wow, I didn't expect this.

[Greg Garcia]

Well, there are a lot of them, Tony. This has been as unpredictable a first month as I think I've ever seen. So we'll start with the Mets. Okay. The Mets are really good, Tony. Okay.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay.

[Greg Garcia]

Their starting rotation was supposed to stink coming into this season because of all their injuries, and instead they have pitched like crazy out of their rotation. Their offense is tremendous. Pete Alonso has been the best player in the league essentially so far. Francisco Lindor, who always gets off to a bad start, is off to a great start. Never forget that. Jesse Winker, former National When I interviewed him this spring, he had it. He played for the Mets at the end of last year when magical things happened. And he told me this spring, he said, I had no interest as a free agent of going anywhere except for going back to the Mets, he said, because why would anyone want to leave this place? That is what is going on with the Mets, right? Now, at the moment, they have the best record in baseball, tied with the Padres. They are really good and they haven't even started the hit yet. They're 17 and 7 and Juan Soto's hitting.240. I mean, wait till he starts going. They're going to get even better from here.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay, okay. Is there. Who do you think is doing the best job managing so far? Like, that's got to be a team that's doing a little bit better than their talent level. Is that the Mets or is it somebody else?

[Greg Garcia]

Well, I think it's the Giants. I got a good look at the Giants this spring, Tony, and I thought this team going to be demonstrably better than last year. I don't think they're a playoff team, but they are sure playing like a playoff team right now. Bob Melvin is a vastly underrated major league manager and has been for 16 years. And that team is really playing well, Tony. Which again speaks to the National League West. Through 25 games, we'd never seen any division as good since divisional play began in 69 than that of the NL West. That's how good four teams are there. We know the Dodgers and Padres. The Diamondbacks are really good, and now so are the Giants. So keep an eye on the NL West. It is a free for all out there with four very good teams.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Which leads me to another question. The fifth team, the Colorado Rockies, is awful. Is Bud Black going to be the first manager fired this year?

[Greg Garcia]

Well, I'm. I'm never good about those things. And Bud Black is one of the best guys you'll ever meet and a really good manager, but they're just not very good, and they haven't been for years. Sorry, Tony. That whole system is broken there. Yeah, I've had people tell me you cannot win playing in the thin air of Colorado. The pitching is just so different there. You don't get the same filthy break on your breaking ball there. Because of the air and the altitude the ball travels. The outfield is bigger than everyone else's. I'm not making an excuse for the. For the Rockies, but they've only been to the World Series once. One time, once. And was swept and lost badly, 2007 to the Red Sox. I'm not sure. I'm not sure they're going to get out of this anytime soon. But do not blame the manager for this. There are inherent issues there with the organization, with ownership, but I think it's as much as anything, trying to play and win in Denver is just a challenge. Even for the home team.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So I was going to also ask you because you say the greatest surprise so far is the Mets. I was going to ask you what is the biggest disappointment And I don't want this to be a phony question because I was going to say, is it indeed the Orioles? Because the Orioles don't. I mean, I watched last night. I watched the Nats and the Orioles. Great crowd and all of that. And the Orioles were. They were not competitive. They were not.

[Greg Garcia]

Yeah, they are the biggest disappointment so far, Tony. Granted, it's really early, but look, they're starting. Pitching is a disaster with all the injuries. They have Grayson, Rodriguez and everyone else. And they lost, of course, Corbin Burns to free agency. Injuries are crushing them. But it's the offense that should be carrying a subpar pitching staff and it is not. Go look at the numbers. In today's yesterday's lineup for the Orioles, only one guy in the lineup had an average above.245. That's out of nine guys. They don't have anyone hitting.300. And once Gunner Henderson and he started to hit, he's a great player. Once he starts going, he's going to be fine. But you got to keep your eye on Adley Rutchman. He had a terrible second half of the year last year. I thought he had fixed everything in the off season. He's hitting.200 this year. They're going to have to start scoring some runs really fast here or it's possible they're going to get left behind in this, in this American League. And I would have never guessed that a month ago, but the first month has not done well for the Orioles.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So because Mitchell Parker was pitching yesterday and gave up only one hit in eight innings, one of the things that was said on the broadcast was that the Orioles are the worst hitting team in the major leagues against lefties. The worst. Isn't that odd? An odd statistic?

[Greg Garcia]

Yeah, Lou Pinella used to always tell me, he said, you know a good team when they crush every left handed pitcher that comes to town. Because most teams are filled with right handed hitters. So when a lefty comes in, you absolutely pound them. But the problem is for the Orioles, some of their best hitters, Gunner Henderson, Cedric Mullins, Ryan O'Hearn, left handed hitters. So they are having an awful amount of trouble against left handers. The last year, Santander, who's a switch, they lost him to free agency.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Big loss.

[Greg Garcia]

I repeat, I repeat, Tony. They're going to have to score some runs because they're they're starting pitching is not going to win a bunch of three to one games there. And I think, I think they're the only team still that hasn't won a game in which they scored four runs or fewer. Meaning the only way they win. Score a lot, score you. And right now they're not outscoring anyone.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, I'll just get you out of here on one thing. The Yankees are doing pretty well. They're 14 and 9. You know, it's. It's tied for the top of the American League, I think. And they don't have their two best pitchers, Cole and Heel. They're done. How are the Yankees doing this?

[Greg Garcia]

Well, Aaron Judge is hitting.411 for 11. Tony. Okay, let's not forget Ted Williams hit.406 for an entire season. But what Judge is doing is absolutely carrying their offense and their offense has been really good. They're hitting the ball out of the ballpark. They have a great bullpen even though Devin Williams, their closer hasn't been great yet. And I don't know how they're going to last the whole year without Garrett Cole. They're going to get Louise Heel back. They're starting to get healthier in their rotation. But Tony, I told you the entire American League is a fist fight. There are no great teams. There are a bunch of good teams. And as long as the Yankees can hang around, they can go to the playoffs and be dangerous in the playoffs because they can hit the ball out of the ballpark with just about any team.

[Tony Kornheiser]

It's great to talk with you. Thank you. Tim, you can drive away now. It's okay. Thank you. We'll talk soon.

[Greg Garcia]

Okay, Tony, see you.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Tim Kirkjian, boys and girls, just a total delight. We will come back with Greg Garcia who'll talk about his European tour with Nate Bargazzi. I am Tony Kornheiser.

[Greg Garcia]

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[Dan Byrne]

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[Greg Garcia]

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[Dan Byrne]

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[Tony Kornheiser]

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[Dan Byrne]

You're listening to the Tony Kornheiser show.

[Nigel]

Sun come up in the east today. Sun, it said in the west.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I had this. I believe I had this.

[Nigel]

Human beings continue to be a mammalian species.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I had this. I believe I had this.

[Nigel]

We're mostly made of water.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I have this.

[Nigel]

Baseball's played on a field.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I have this.

[Nigel]

A hat's on your head. Boots on your feet. Gloves are for your hands.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I have this. I believe, believe I had this. Making fun of me. It's good, Dan. Burn. Brilliant. Making fun of me. Greg Garcia joins us now, who can also make fun of me and did for many years when he ran the board and he's just back from his European tour. How many countries were you guys in?

[Dan Byrne]

We did Norway, Amsterdam, Belgium, Scotland, Paris, London, Manchester and Dublin.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay. A lot of countries. All English. All English speaking people. I mean, you didn't ever get in that terrible predicament where you were playing to a crowd that spoke no English, right?

[Dan Byrne]

No, I think anybody that would come to the show speaks English, maybe some better than others, but. But, you know, I mean, in Norway they teach it to them real young. Their English is great. And. Yeah, so most yet I would say all English speaking for sure.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Did you get a sense, and you might not have gotten a sense. Were the crowds mostly Americans in these cities or was it people who lived, you know, who were not of the American nationality?

[Dan Byrne]

If I had to guess, I'd say It was maybe 50, 50 of people that, you know, expats that are there and then other people, if I had to guess. But I didn't. I don't know for sure, but that's what I would get.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay. Did they know Nate Bargazzi? Were they excited to see him? Did they know who he was?

[Dan Byrne]

Yes, 100% super excited to see him. And the crowds, you know, he plays arenas in in the US he's getting ready to embark on another huge arena tour.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Right.

[Dan Byrne]

These were theaters, anywhere from a thousand to four thousand seat theaters. So it's, you know, internationally, it's easy for him to pack those theaters. He's not doing arenas yet in these countries. But, yeah, they know who he is. They're excited that he's there. And you can feel that, which is for a newcomer, you know, you're cheating because you're getting up there. You're not just walking up at a comedy club where, you know, you just got to win over the crowd. They're excited. They're excited to be there for him.

[Tony Kornheiser]

All right, let's get to the hard questions now and the ones that people care about. Did you play any golf?

[Dan Byrne]

I did play some golf. I played at a course called Berkshire in England, and that was a lot of fun. And then in Dublin, it was drizzling, so we walked into a golf simulator place, and it was funny because. So we had watched the Masters in a pub in London, and we were rooting for Rory because Nate had played with Rory in the Pro Am before. The players became buddies. Yeah, they became pals. And so, you know, the next day after the Masters, he's texting with Rory and, and saying congrats. And Rory's like, I almost blew it and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, so they're. But so we walk into the simulator place in Dublin, and the guy behind the counter is very nice, and he's like, hey, you can play at one of these bays. We can set you up that sections for members. You can't go in there, but we could set you up here. And tomorrow, tomorrow, because of the Masters, from four to five, if you know anybody, if your name's Rory, you get to drink for free. Pulls out his phone. He says, I'll text my friend Rory, see if he's around, if he can come by. And he's like, oh, you know a guy named Rory? And he shows the phone, he goes, yeah, Rory McElroy. And the guy goes, oh, he's a comedian. He goes, forget the members. There's a VIP section behind that.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's great.

[Dan Byrne]

They rolled out the red carpet. It was very cool.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's great. Okay, now we've done the preliminary work. How did the stand up go?

[Dan Byrne]

Okay, so, you know, look, here was the deal. So he said to me in Vegas, just to remind you, in Vegas, about three weeks beforehand, he was sitting there and talking with his tour manager, going over the schedule, and he goes, hey, we might not have a host in two or three shows of the 12. Do you want to. You want to host? And I said, sure. And he just starts laughing. He's like, you've never done stand Up. You'll do it. And I go, of course, because this is going to be fantastic. So then we're, you know, with just a glint in his eye, he's just like, he can't wait for me to fail. And so then we're on the plane to Norway and he, I said, hey, which shows am I doing? Because I want to maybe prepare, have some local stuff for the, for the place I'm in. He says to his tour manager, hey, what shows is Greg doing? And his tour manager says, all of them. I didn't hire a host. And I go, what? He goes, yeah, you're doing all of them. And Barghesi just looks at me with this huge smile and he says, good luck. So I'm nervous, right? We get to the theater and we get to the theater, we pull up in the van and they look at me, they go, you're on in three minutes. I go, three minutes. I go, I don't even know. I don't even know how to hold the microphone. I don't know what to do with my other hand. And Nate, he like, keeps one hand behind his back. I can't do that move. So I wore a jacket so I could put my other hand in my jack pocket if I want to, right? And so I go up there. There's a clock at your feet. I just walk out. It's mostly dark. I see the first couple rows. I don't even know how big of a theater I'm in. I think it's like a 2,000 seat theater. It's packed. I walk up there, I start talking, I'm nervous. I don't know how much you can tell on stage, but I'm definitely nervous. There's a clock at my feet. I'm supposed to do five minutes and bring on this first comedian. And comedians are always giving other comedians a hard time. They go long, they run the light. You know, they show this light and you go long. So I'm doing my set, I'm talking, and now I'm getting to the point where I run out of my stuff at the beginning. I look down the clock. It's 2 minutes and 40 seconds. And so I just start to introduce the first comedian, this guy, Greg Warren. And Greg Warren turns to Nate backstage and says, your boy went short. So they gave me a hard time about that, but they were so supportive. The other comedians, this guy Mike Vecchione and Greg Warren, who both have specials on YouTube that are hilarious, I started to get more and more comfortable each time it started going Pretty well. I mean, in Belgium, I tried something. I don't remember what it was. It got dead silence. And everybody loved that. In London, somebody shouted leches, which was cool, but I mean, that person knew I was trying to keep it together as well as I did. So. But I just set it back.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And so wait a second. Your first time you walked out there, you had no set, you had nothing. How did you do that?

[Dan Byrne]

No, look, he told me I was going to.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay, so you had something prepared, you had a sense of it?

[Dan Byrne]

Something prepared, yes. And yeah, so I had something prepared. I didn't know how it was going to go. I didn't know what was. Work wouldn't work.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Right.

[Dan Byrne]

One guy gave me really good advice because I was getting some laughs in the beginning and it was going fine. It wasn't a disaster by any stretch, but there were things I could improve. So each night I kept working on the act and I would change stuff and I would think about it during the day. And one of the comedians said to me, he goes, look, it's not a humor column. He goes, there's some stuff in there. It's humorous, but you got to get to your pops faster and cut things down. And don't go past the joke, whatever it is. He's giving me stand up advice and it really helped. And look, by the time I got to Dublin, which is what you saw. Yeah, I was actually looking forward to being up there, you know, at that point I was just having fun and I was like, I'm gonna try this now. I'm gonna try that. And that at that point I wasn't nervous at all and just having the time of my life.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Do you. Do you have. Nigel has a clip. Yeah. I just want to say, did you ever think about using props, like maybe smashing a watermelon up there? I've heard that could be fun.

[Dan Byrne]

I had them in my backpack pocket just in case.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Play the clip. Yeah, this is a great clip from Clip from Dublin. Here you go.

[Dan Byrne]

Other thing I like to tell people is you'll see I'm not wearing prescription eyeglasses. Neither does my wife. We stopped wearing them when we realized.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That our vision was going bad at.

[Dan Byrne]

The same rate our looks were. Because without glasses, when we look at the other person, we're seeing the very cute, very blurry 21 year old we fell in love with. And I'll tell you, I'm not gonna lie, she's aging better than I am.

[Tony Kornheiser]

She is.

[Dan Byrne]

Thank goodness for me. Her eyesight is terrible. Every morning she tells Me, my hair looks amazing. And then she kisses me on an elbow and walks directly into a wall.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I thought that was so funny. I thought that was so funny. Did you have that the whole tour or did that come to you at one of the stops and you used it and it worked? Tell me that was about halfway.

[Dan Byrne]

I would say. I would always say that. She says, my hair looks amazing and I gotta laugh. And then I started to throw in the elbow and the walk directly into a wall. Yeah. I would find little things that were working and then just keep going. And look some of my act. Like, look, some of my act. I've done wedding speeches that I've used some of this stuff, you know, I'm using stories and I'm. But it, but it worked. It worked and I was, I was thrilled. Now I think I'm retired. I think I'm only going to work internationally.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So. Yeah, well, this is, this is what I wanted to ask you. This is not what you do for a living. Do you have the urge to do more of this now?

[Dan Byrne]

I mean, it was a lot of fun. So that, that definitely was fun. I don't think. I don't think so. Nate has a cruise in February, a comedy Nate Land cruise for the Super Bowl. And it's just comedians and there's just going to be comedy shows non stop. And there's some talk of me possibly hosting couple of those shows, which I agree to as long as we're in international waters. And so if I do that, I may need. Because right Now I have 10 minutes worth of material. If I do that, I may need a little bit more material. So there could be. I could try to do a couple open mics between now and then if I want to try to get more material. But who knows? I don't know if that's going to come to fruition or not, but that would be when I did it again. But it was. I mean, Tony, it was a blast. It was a bucket list item. I got.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's great.

[Dan Byrne]

And that was. It was great.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's great. Now what, now what is the. The traveling life in Europe? Did you stay in nice hotels? Did you eat in nice places? Or was it impossible because you're done so late at night that nothing is really open but a corner pub?

[Dan Byrne]

He's got a tour manager that just organizes everything. I mean, I've never seen anything like it. How on top of this stuff, this guy is. Yeah, sometimes we'd go find a place that was open late. There were occasions where somebody would keep A kitchen open for us or the hotel would be very accommodating. The travel was quite easy. Everything was completely organized. I mean, I'm used to being the dad on trips where I'm just running around and yelling at everybody, come on, we got to get to here. We got to do this. And everybody's just walking behind me, having the time of their lives. I got to experience that. I got to walk in the back of the crowd of the group and was told where I was going to go. I was handed a key to a hotel. I was escorted to my room. It was like. I was like, now I know why my family likes vacation so much. It's a blast.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Was there, was there any change in your life to the degree that you were waking up either earlier or later than you normally do, going to sleep either earlier or later? Was there physical change, stress, by any chance?

[Dan Byrne]

No, I was pretty good. I mean, I. I tried to stay up. When we first got there, we got to Norway and I just stayed up as late as I could and then try to get on schedule. The other guys actually were having more trouble than I would. We would, we would report in the morning. Help. Some people just weren't sleeping at all. Yeah, at the beginning, and it took them longer. A couple of the guys got a cold while we were there. But no, I was doing pretty good. I was, you know, I get up and try to get up at the right time and go to the gym at the hotel and then just try to do my normal routine and I acclimated pretty easily.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's good.

[Dan Byrne]

Too much of a problem.

[Tony Kornheiser]

When I did Monday Night Football, I tried my hardest to stay on east coast time. I just felt if I, if I fooled around with this, it was not going to work. And that necessitated. Because the game started late, you know, at 9:00, something like that, you know, I would have to take a nap before I actually went on the air. Did you, did you nap? Did you do anything like that, where you changed yourself physically to accommodate the tour?

[Dan Byrne]

I didn't take, I didn't take any naps. I just stayed up. And I think, much like, I'm sure you had some of this doing Monday Night Football, by the time it's night, the adrenaline of what you're doing, of having to perform and live, I mean, that's going to keep me up. Just the sheer panic of having to go up on stage is going to keep me wide awake. So, yeah, one, an issue.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Did he do the same thing every night or did he change for Cuz he's the headliner. Did you see a change in his act or was it the same act?

[Dan Byrne]

Basically the same act. I mean, but he's constantly kind of, you know, working on things. I mean he, he shot a special. I don't know when he shot it, but it aired in December. So once that special airs, he doesn't do any of that material anymore because he doesn't want anybody to come out and see the same stuff. So he's been working on a new hour since December. I think he's got it at a point right now where he could shoot his special tomorrow if he wanted to. But he's going to tour on it for a year and a half because he's got all these arenas and stuff. But he changes it a little bit. He moves things around I think sometimes just to see if it works in a different order. He gets new ideas. There are certain sections that are completely locked in and there are other sections where like he's got this whole big thing on AI right now and he's experimenting with some different things in that towards the end of the run he opened the show with some stories because he's going to do his friend's comedy show in New York, I think this weekend. If he hadn't done it already. Maybe he did it already where you go on and you tell stories. So I think he was just kind of refreshing and rehearsing those stories. Those last few shows got more show from him because he was trying out some other stuff. But for the most part it's, it's the same, it's the same stuff. He's just honing.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Sounds like it sounds like you had a great, great time. I mean, amazing time. Good.

[Dan Byrne]

And then, you know, and, and here's the last thing that I know you want to give me a hard time about, but when your friend, when you're on top of the Eiffel Tower and your friend turns to you and looks at his phone and then turns you and says, hey, you want to buy a racehorse? There's really one answer. I now am part of owner in a racehorse. Yeah, we own it also. We own it with a horse guy who I should know his name and I'll tell you how we met him in a second. Also Rick Patina. Yeah, Patino. Yeah. It's not.

[Greg Garcia]

Maybe it's.

[Dan Byrne]

Maybe it's Rick Patina.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Maybe that's a different guy. That wouldn't be the ex Kentucky Louisville coach that would be a different guy.

[Dan Byrne]

It's Rick Patino. And we've named the horse because Nate world tour upcoming is called the Big Dumb Eyes World Tour because of Nate's big dumb eyes that he has.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah.

[Dan Byrne]

And so we've named it that. But Mike, my son's girlfriend, has pointed out that as soon as the announcer starts talking fast, it's gonna sound like Big Demise, which could be more appropriate. But we met this horse guy in Vegas. We were at the Wynn sportsbook, and he had a. He had a VIP section. It was just him and another guy sitting in it. He invited us sitting there, we're talking to him, and then Nate's talking to him, and apparently he's got. He's had a couple horses in the Kentucky Derby. So then he gives us some tips, and we bet on a horse race, and we all win. Then he gives this other comedian more tips, and this other comedian, his name's Nick Novicki, and he's a little person, and he's up there trying to bet, and he's. The guy's leaning over the thing, trying to see Nick, and Nick's looking up at him, and I walked over behind him to see what's going on. He's got two horses, and he's trying to bet a trifecta. And the guy behind the counter is going, no, you need three horses for trifecta.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Byrne]

So now try yelling. Things he had heard. Had heard the guy say. So he's all right in the show. He goes, what? What? What do you mean? He goes, box it. He goes, what? I don't know what you're talking about, man.

[Greg Garcia]

So.

[Dan Byrne]

So then I said, nick, Nick, Nick, I think you want an exacta box for those two horses. Yeah, exact. A buck. And then Nick, who can't see more than a foot in front of his face, looks up at a screen and goes, and I want the favorite in that horse. The favorite in that race. And so I looked up at the odds. I said, the favorite is the six horse. And he goes $80 on the sixth horse. And the guy just rolls his eyes and takes the money, gives us a ticket, but we take the ticket back to the horse guy. The horse guy goes, I don't even know what this is. This isn't the race I told you to bet on. This is a chariot race. This isn't even a. And so now Nick, we're all laughing at Nick, and Nate's laughing, and Nick wants to get his money back. And we said, no, no, you got to just stick with it. We watched the race. The six horses in. Dead last works its way up and wins by a nose. We're freaking out. We're yelling. We're how happy he goes to cash it in. Apparently. I did frostburg math on the odds. It was actually. It went off at 30 to 1. Nick won $2,400.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Wow.

[Dan Byrne]

Horse was 31 to make that bet. It was a million to one. And then we're all laughing and jumping around, and I think the horse guy looked over and thought, I think I can sell these guys over.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Sure, sure. No, you're gonna be just like Jason Worth. You're gonna think that horse racing is the greatest thing that ever happened. People know this story. When I got involved with people who were gonna help me financially with money, I said, is there anything I shouldn't do? And they said, oh, well, you can't buy a private plane. That's insane. Don't do that. I said, okay. Anything else? And they said, yeah, you can't buy a racehorse. That's totally insane. A racehorse. Totally insane. Anything else? You can't buy a restaurant. I said, just bought a restaurant. You're an idiot. But you just bought a racehorse. That was number two. That's worse than a restaurant. That's number two.

[Dan Byrne]

I tell you what, Tony, if it ends up in the Kentucky Derby, you're not gonna fly there in my new private jet.

[Tony Kornheiser]

All right. Be good. Thanks. I love talking to you. You know that. Thank you, Greg.

[Dan Byrne]

Bye.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Greg Garcia, boys and girls. Just wonderful. We'll come back with email and jingle. I'm Tony Kornheiser. This episode is brought to you by Chevy Silverado. When it's time for you to ditch.

[Dan Byrne]

The blacktop and head off road, do it in a truck that says no to nothing. The Chevy Silverado trail boss. Get the rugged capability of its Z71 suspension and 2 inch factory lift, plus impressive torque and towing capacity thanks to.

[Tony Kornheiser]

An available Duramax 3 liter turbo diesel engine.

[Dan Byrne]

Where other trucks call it quits, you'll just be getting started. Visit chevy.com to learn more.

[Tony Kornheiser]

You're listening to the Tony Kornheiser show. Hey, Alan, did you know it's time for Tony Tony's mailbag? Really, Glenn? Is Tony gonna read some emails, faxes and notes? He sure is, Alan. He's gonna read them for all the folks. Gee, Glenn, that's swell. It's brilliant. Norwegian soft kitten. And they write. We were lazing about this past weekend, recalling tales from years ago when we were out touring that you might not remember since you were unburdened by memory. And we got to laughing about one of your LA. One of the last tour stops from a 199192 winter tour of colleges and universities. When you were with us as our bass player, the particular story we were laughing about was the night we played UC Davis. After the show, you were totally wired, Tony. So amped up we knew it'd be hours before you went to sleep. Since it was a warmer night, you made us pull the tour van into a 711 and you bought every bag of balloons. Then we went behind the store and use the spigot there to fill the balloons with water. We spent the next hour and a half chucking water balloons out of the back of the tour van at students who were innocently meandering their way about the UC Davis campus. The topper was when you spied from a distance a campus police officer writing a ticket. You yelled up to Alan, who was driving, to get you near the campus cop. And when Allen said that was a bad idea, you'd be screaming at Allen to get you close to the cop. Allen relented. Moments later, when we pulled up next to the officer, you jumped out of the back of the van and unloaded on him, drenching the cop with a half a dozen balloons in a matter of seconds. You then jump back into the van and start screaming, go, Go, go. Allen obeyed, floored it. We were able to get off campus and outside the jurisdiction of the campus police officer before he could catch us. So why were you so amped up and out of control that night, Tony? Because that was the night we finally played Effin Stonehenge. It's brilliant. It's just totally brilliant. Look at those guys. Totally brilliant. All right, you want to do the Bethesda Bagel there? Bethesda Bagels, we love them. You will as well. Just go to Bethesda Bagels.com for the location in the DC area nearest you. Then pop on in and you'll be thrilled. That'll do it for us today. Before we get to the Mad Bag, let me just say, because he gets up in the morning and he goes to work at 9 and he comes back home at 5:30 gets the same train every time because his world is built on punctuality. It never fails. And he's oh so good, he's oh so kind so healthy in his body and his mind He's a well respected man. The Kings. Thanks to our guest today, Tim Kirchen and Greg Garcia. Thanks as well to today's sponsors. Remember, you can listen to us on Apple podcasts, Spotify and Odyssey. It Gets showed through Apple. Please leave us a review.

[Tim Kirkjian]

I want to say a quick thank you to Carlton, one of our bracket winners. Understood. It might be difficult to send him his care package, but if we're sending toothpaste to Canada, we're gonna send something to Belgrade. So send us your address.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Belgrade. Yes. Okay. We're huge in Belgrade.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Oh, wow. Okay. From Ronnie Stof. Mr. Tony, please know that Wilbon was unbelievably incorrect with his understanding of antennas. Of course. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. One of the first actions the Sun's newish owner took was moving the team's games to a local channel. Why, Wilbon asks. It's so all Arizona residents have free access to the games with an antenna that does not need to be attached to your roof. I'm inclined to believe your theory. With NBA ratings on abc, people have access to to the games with the purchase of an antenna. And for the record, I'm 37 years old, not 61.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Ratings were up in the first round first weekend.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yes, because they're. Well, ABC is carrying some of the games. TNT is still a subscription. You know, that's still cable. And for the people out there that want to email us and tell us that Wilbourne was wrong, we got a lot of. Yeah, we know. We got it. We know he was wrong.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Plug a TV antenna.

[Tony Kornheiser]

He called up and he said, technically, you're correct. Nobody does it, but technically correct. And I said, 18 million homes. Do it. Yeah. No. Okay. Chip Robinson, Mount Pleasant, South Carolina. The sound you hear is thousands of littles furiously typing out emails to mock just how galactically wrong Wilbon is about over the air TV. John Evans. I'm 48. My kid is right now watching PBS on over the air TV. You know the thing that Wilbon says doesn't exist?

[Tim Kirkjian]

Rosie's rules.

[Tony Kornheiser]

The court is cut. Abc, cbs, Fox, pbs, NBC, just to name a few, are still broadcasting. Wilbaugh needs to exit the ivory tower sometime. There's a picture of me holding bells up. Wine and tillamook. Coffee ice cream. Captain sailor's suit. Yeah. Days on the sea. Okay. From Dylan Riss in Los Angeles. I want to thank you and Wilbon for giving us the free pilot episode of the one percenters titled Wilbon learns that PEZ use antennas to watch TV for free. Let's get a series pitched together with Greg Garcia executive producing. We can start shopping at the networks ideas for future episodes. Tony learns you don't have to pay thousands in country club dues to eat tacos. How was tacos Wilbon's purse. It was very, very good with Alan Gill.

[Tim Kirkjian]

You got the fish taco?

[Tony Kornheiser]

I got two meat tacos and a fish taco. I did. Wilbon's personal assistant screws up and his dinner at the French Lawn with Magic Johnson turns into an hour in a laundromat with a guy wearing a Magic Johnson's jersey. Tony hires a concierge service to call American Express Concierge service to dispute a charge from Krop Metcalf's concierge service. Wilbond goes clothes shopping with Andy. Polly. Let's get this show made. It's just totally brilliant. Brandon Borzelli. A car pulls into a service station, rolls over thick hose and the familiar sound of ding ding rings out. Three gentlemen come running out in their beige suits, neatly positioned hats. Good morning, Tony. Top off the oil today. Yeah. And check the white walls. They may be low on air. After shining up the window, Tony leans out the window and hands the gentleman a quarter for the service with a nickel as a tip. Tony honks a friendly goodbye as a serviceman, smiles and say, have a nice trip. Tony pulls into the airport, parks remove his bags from the toehold and walks directly across the tarmac towards the waiting Pan Am. She's a beaut. Tony's vulnerable for. Tony walks up the stairs, is greeted by three stewardesses. One smiles and nods to Tony. Tony tips his hat, says, good morning, Gail. Nice to see you again. This pleases Tony because Gail knows exactly how he likes his steak cooked. On the flights, he'll surely nap well after dinner. As Tony is seated, he pulls out his Dawn Pepin Cuban. Tony was sure to book a seat in the smoking section. He stows his bags and asks for assistance with his typewriter case. Tony prefers the sturdiness of the Sears and Roebuck case. Sure, it's bulky, it isn't as swanky as Michael Ray Wilbond's Smith Corona Sterling case, but Tony fancies himself a simple reporter. As the plane begins to taxi, Preparing for the 10 hour cross country flight, Tony looks out the window and laments, I wish there was a way I could watch CBS broadcast tonight of the Honeymooners. Maybe someday there will be a way to add an antenna to the plane. Nah, it'll never happen. No, sir. Those Black and white TVs will be plug in ready to catch the four major networks in the comfort of the living room. And that will be that. Brandon Borzelli. He's brilliant. That's the world I grew up in. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the world I grew up in Joe Rizzo, Oak Hill, Virginia Given your experience with Conestoga wagons, have you figured out how to change its clock? Ross Taylor in Toronto, Ontario and Canada now that Neil Greenberg has told us it's mostly chalk in the NBA, can we get clarity on where the upset starts? If it's 413 in the tourney, is it 72 in the NBA or 8 1? Inquiring minds need to know. I'll hang up and listen. This is from Neil Airvase Much thanks for having Neil Greenberg on Monday's podcast to detail the wonderful unpredictability that, among any many other attributes, makes a Stanley cup the best playoff in sports, and to broaden your hockey horizons by explaining puck luck, the metrics of which can be found on the creatively named Natural Stat Trick site. You and other littles both with and without an antenna might enjoy a few other hockey terms Apple is an assist on a goal. Celly is short for a celebration by a goal scorer, which can range from a fist bump to a skating routine. Cheese is the top shelf of the net or the area designated at holes one and two on the goalie glove or stick side high. There are seven holes of which the five hole between the goalies pads is the one most often mentioned. Chiclets Lumps of broken teeth, as in spitting Chiclets, which used to be much more common before better protective gear, but you can still see hard earned dental gaps worn with pride by some older players. Salad loaf and lettuce all used for a player's hair, which can get concealed by or flow out of his bucket or helmet. Muffin A weak shot on goal, definitely not wrapped in foil. Suitcase A player who's traded frequently, as in keep your suitcase hand handy. Yard sale the sight of hockey gear strewn all over the ice after a brawl. Or perhaps your grandson's rooms before Michael straightens them up. The next time Wilbon is waxing poetic about another NBA playoff blowout, you might have to have PK Subhan to give him a virtual face wash rubbing a smelly hockey glove in an opponent's face and remind him what real playoff competition looks like. That's great. Isn't that great? From Neil Aravais. That's absolutely great. From John Juback in Pittsburgh on Monday. You said everyone usually associates the Conestoga wagon with the Taming of the west, unless you listen to this podcast in which you associate it with the north south migration on i95, of course, from Ken Pastola. Poor Tony. His two favorite sports are baseball and golf and one, the Nats drive him crazy. And the other the gnats drive him crazy. Tell Neil Mullen to eat it. From E.J. dombrowski in Cary, North Carolina. Jim Balvano used to live in Cary, North Carolina. Millennial little seeking advice on how to deal with aging parents, I went to my dad's house in the afternoon on Easter. It was an unseasonably hot 85 degrees here in Central North Carolina. We walked in and his thermostat read 79 degrees. When confronted about the temperature, he explained that the heat doesn't bother him anymore. Is the going denomination to slam on the table for air conditioning still a 50? With inflation, is it now 100? What if I don't carry cash? Can I pay in Bitcoin? I will hang up and listen.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Just open the window.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Just open the window. Turn on a fan. It's going to work. I mean, you know, don't worry. And Rob Lowe. Not that Rob Lowe in North Royalton, Ohio to add to the new mailbag game. What did you hit playing golf? I think that my dad's story is the best. My dad and I decided to play a quick round after a member guest tournament. We didn't play in the tournament because we stunk both double bogey golfers at the time. As we got to the first tee, many of the members were having cold beers and watching people tee off. My dad, who always loathed the first tee, got up to address a 365 yard par four with his driver. His cut was epic. The ball hit the replace the divots sign. Oh God. Ricocheted back into the crowd, hitting the club pro right the middle of the gut. One half drunk spectator yelled, I think you may want a mulligan. My dad played from my drive.

[Tim Kirkjian]

Should have yelled two.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. If you're out on your bike tonight, everyone is always do wear white.

[Dan Byrne]

Who made the egg salad sandwiches?

[Nigel]

Oh, Tiny and his wife had a baby. Oh, Tiny and his wife had a child. The child assisted with the delivery. When they called their relatives, the baby dialed the number. The baby wasn't needing any of that Breastfeeding with skin as such soft as silk she drove to the store for milk and diapers and said, if there's anything I've missed, go ahead and add it to my list. The baby monitored its own breathing, bought a chew toy in anticipation of teething. She's both delicate and brawny the baby of tawny One blue eye and one brown she's been seen all by herself in town. She's both overweight and scrawny. The baby Otani is she ambidextrous? You know it? She can play violin and she's a poet. She already rides a pony. Hey, Nani Noddy the bear. Baby Otani Goo goo gah ga. Sun come up in the east today? Sun it set in the west.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I had this. I believe I had this.

[Nigel]

Human beings continue to be a mammalian species.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I had this. I believe I had this.

[Nigel]

We're mostly made of water.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I had this?

[Nigel]

Baseball's played on a field?

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I have this.

[Nigel]

A hat's on your head? Boots on your feet? Gloves are for your hands?

[Tony Kornheiser]

I believe I have this. I believe I have this.