Podcast Summary: "We Know You Have Turtles" – The Tony Kornheiser Show

Release Date: April 2, 2025
Host: Tony Kornheiser
Guests: Greg Garcia, Richard Justice, Anne, Nigel

1. Opening Banter and Sports Recap [00:00 – 03:48]

The episode kicks off with Tony Kornheiser humorously addressing a technical mishap caused by Nigel, hinting at unpredictable guest appearances. Shortly after, the conversation shifts to a recent baseball game where the Washington Nationals faced a disappointing loss.

Key Highlights:

• Nationals' Performance: Tony criticizes the Nationals' inconsistent pitching, emphasizing the lack of synchronization between starters and relievers. He mentions "Mitchell Parker" (timestamp [02:55]) and "Trevor Williams" ([03:48]) as the starting pitchers whose performances fell short.

  Tony Kornheiser ([02:58]): "Their pitching is not in sync. It's either the bullpen or the starter."

• Prospect Underperformance: The discussion highlights the struggles of top prospects James Wood and Dylan Cruz, labeling them as "the two greatest prospects in history are stinking the joint out."

  Greg Garcia ([02:57]): "James Wood doesn't hit the ball. He strikes out. Dylan Cruz makes all outs."

2. Buzz Williams' Coaching Hire [04:26 – 07:44]

Tony delves into the recent hiring of Buzz Williams as the new basketball coach at the University of Maryland, contrasting his reputation with the underperforming Kevin Willard.

Key Highlights:

• Buzz Williams' Credentials: Tony praises Williams' successful stints at Marquette, Virginia Tech, and Texas A&M, highlighting his ability to lead teams to multiple NCAA tournaments.

  Tony Kornheiser ([05:40]): "Buzz Williams ... has brought each school into the NCAA multiple times, has been to four Sweet Sixteens and one Final Eight."

• Speculative Insights: Tony speculates on Williams' motivations, suggesting it's not purely financial but perhaps a desire to focus more on basketball within a less football-centric program.

  Tony Kornheiser ([06:08]): "I don't know why. I mean, it can't be for money because Texas A and M ... they have money."

3. "We Know You Have Turtles" – The Viral Story [07:02 – 08:59]

A humorous segment emerges discussing a bizarre incident onboard a plane where passengers were asked to reveal if they had turtles, leading to confusion and eventual removal of passengers.

Key Highlights:

• Passenger Confusion: Richard Justice narrates the strange announcement about turtles leading to the removal of two women.

  Richard Justice ([07:02]): "There’s the Scarsdale diet, the Grapefruit diet. But here's my favorite diet ... deer poop diet."

• Airline Regulations: Greg Garcia mentions that major airlines require reptiles and amphibians to be transported as cargo, not allowed in carry-on luggage.

  Greg Garcia ([08:49]): "Most major airlines ... require reptiles, amphibians to be transported as cargo."

4. Sponsored Segment: Bezel Wine [09:05 – 14:56]

Tony introduces a sponsored segment about Bezel Wine, discussing its origins, pricing, and characteristics with input from guests.

Key Highlights:

• Wine Details: Tony breaks down the advertisement, questioning the meaning behind terms like "fruit forward" and dissecting the pricing strategy.

  Tony Kornheiser ([09:27]): "Bezel draws from 50 years of winemaking experience ... for your everyday wine drinking occasion."

• Guest Insights: Greg Garcia explains the pricing tiers, comparing them to more premium brands, and suggests Bezel is suitable for casual consumption.

  Greg Garcia ([10:43]): "The Chardonnay ... is in the $50 range. So I feel like this is for you ... you might be grilling out tonight."

• Wine and Snacks: Tony expresses enthusiasm about pairing the wine with potato chips, adding a light-hearted tone to the segment.

  Tony Kornheiser ([11:24]): "I am raring to go because I've got potato chips."

5. Comedy and Stand-Up Discussion [15:12 – 33:19]

A substantial portion of the episode revolves around a conversation about stand-up comedy, featuring Greg Garcia and Richard Justice sharing their experiences and perceptions.

Key Highlights:

• Greg's Stand-Up Venture: Richard Justice recounts Greg Garcia's initiative to perform stand-up comedy during a European tour, despite Greg's initial apprehensions.

  Richard Justice ([19:05]): "He says, you'll do it? I go, absolutely, I do ... hoping I bomb."

• Fearlessness in Comedy: Tony and Richard discuss the audacity required for stand-up, referencing Tony’s own unsuccessful attempt inspired by Glenn Brenner.

  Tony Kornheiser ([26:14]): "I did stand up once in my life ... I couldn't do it."

• Modern Comedy Landscape: The conversation shifts to the challenges comedians face today, balancing humor with societal sensitivities. They mention contemporary comedians like Joe Rogan and Bill Burr who navigate these waters successfully.

  Richard Justice ([32:58]): "But when people say you can't do these things anymore, there are stand up comedians ... Bill Burr ... they are making tons of money."

6. Listener Mailbag and Emails [34:52 – 58:09]

Tony and his team engage with listener-submitted content, reading and responding to various emails and messages.

Key Highlights:

• Personal Stories: Listeners share personal anecdotes, such as Ken Hope’s harrowing experience post-heart transplant and his connection to the show.

  Ken Hope’s Email ([56:57] – [53:22]): Details his medical journey and proposes becoming the show's official heart transplant ambassador.

• Humorous Contributions: Nigel delivers a humorous monologue about the "Deer Poop Diet," adding levity to the episode.

  Nigel ([16:19] onward): Repeats the "Deer Poop Diet" joke multiple times, blending it with a snippet of a song.

• Interactive Elements: The segment includes punchlines and jokes from listeners, creating an interactive and engaging environment.

  Listener Jeff Barger ([57:05] – [58:09]): Mentions Beatles movies and connects personal experiences with the podcast content.

7. Closing Remarks and Sponsor Messages [58:09 – End]

Tony wraps up the episode with final thoughts, sponsor shout-outs, and appreciation for the listeners' support.

Key Highlights:

• Acknowledgments: Tony thanks sponsors like Mint Mobile and Intuit's TurboTax, integrating their advertisements seamlessly into the conversation.

  Tony Kornheiser ([15:12], [16:04]): "Switch to Mint Mobile today ... TurboTax is uploading your forms with a Snap."

• Final Interactions: The episode concludes with Tony referencing listener emails and reinforcing the community aspect of the show.

  Tony Kornheiser ([57:37] – [57:47]): Engages with Leslie Thomas’ email about clock settings, leading to a humorous anecdote about relationship fallout.

Notable Quotes:

• "Their pitching is not in sync. It's either the bullpen or the starter." — Tony Kornheiser ([02:58])

• "The two greatest prospects in history are stinking the joint out." — Tony Kornheiser ([02:59])

• "Buzz Williams is a stabilizing force now." — Tony Kornheiser ([07:19])

• "You have to have guts. That is the hardest job in show business." — Richard Justice ([28:43])

• "If you make somebody laugh, make you laugh, you're in the crowd." — Richard Justice ([20:25])

• "Every player is looking for any inch of competitive advantage." — Anne ([48:55])

Conclusion

In this episode titled “We Know You Have Turtles,” Tony Kornheiser and his guests navigate through a diverse array of topics, from sports analysis and coaching hires to humorous anecdotes about unexpected plane policies and the intricacies of stand-up comedy. The blend of insightful commentary, light-hearted humor, and listener interactions creates a rich tapestry that both entertains and informs. Notably, the segment on Bezel Wine adds an informative touch about the wine industry, while the extensive discussion on comedy provides a deep dive into the challenges and triumphs within the field. Listener mailbag segments further personalize the show, fostering a sense of community among the audience. Overall, the episode exemplifies Tony Kornheiser’s signature style of engaging, multifaceted conversations that resonate with both longtime fans and new listeners.