“We know you have turtles”

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We Know You Have Turtles" – The Tony Kornheiser Show

Release Date: April 2, 2025
Host: Tony Kornheiser
Guests: Greg Garcia, Richard Justice, Anne, Nigel

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1. Opening Banter and Sports Recap [00:00 – 03:48]

The episode kicks off with Tony Kornheiser humorously addressing a technical mishap caused by Nigel, hinting at unpredictable guest appearances. Shortly after, the conversation shifts to a recent baseball game where the Washington Nationals faced a disappointing loss.

Key Highlights:

• Nationals' Performance: Tony criticizes the Nationals' inconsistent pitching, emphasizing the lack of synchronization between starters and relievers. He mentions "Mitchell Parker" (timestamp [02:55]) and "Trevor Williams" ([03:48]) as the starting pitchers whose performances fell short.

  Tony Kornheiser ([02:58]): "Their pitching is not in sync. It's either the bullpen or the starter."

• Prospect Underperformance: The discussion highlights the struggles of top prospects James Wood and Dylan Cruz, labeling them as "the two greatest prospects in history are stinking the joint out."

  Greg Garcia ([02:57]): "James Wood doesn't hit the ball. He strikes out. Dylan Cruz makes all outs."

2. Buzz Williams' Coaching Hire [04:26 – 07:44]

Tony delves into the recent hiring of Buzz Williams as the new basketball coach at the University of Maryland, contrasting his reputation with the underperforming Kevin Willard.

Key Highlights:

• Buzz Williams' Credentials: Tony praises Williams' successful stints at Marquette, Virginia Tech, and Texas A&M, highlighting his ability to lead teams to multiple NCAA tournaments.

  Tony Kornheiser ([05:40]): "Buzz Williams ... has brought each school into the NCAA multiple times, has been to four Sweet Sixteens and one Final Eight."

• Speculative Insights: Tony speculates on Williams' motivations, suggesting it's not purely financial but perhaps a desire to focus more on basketball within a less football-centric program.

  Tony Kornheiser ([06:08]): "I don't know why. I mean, it can't be for money because Texas A and M ... they have money."

3. "We Know You Have Turtles" – The Viral Story [07:02 – 08:59]

A humorous segment emerges discussing a bizarre incident onboard a plane where passengers were asked to reveal if they had turtles, leading to confusion and eventual removal of passengers.

Key Highlights:

• Passenger Confusion: Richard Justice narrates the strange announcement about turtles leading to the removal of two women.

  Richard Justice ([07:02]): "There’s the Scarsdale diet, the Grapefruit diet. But here's my favorite diet ... deer poop diet."

• Airline Regulations: Greg Garcia mentions that major airlines require reptiles and amphibians to be transported as cargo, not allowed in carry-on luggage.

  Greg Garcia ([08:49]): "Most major airlines ... require reptiles, amphibians to be transported as cargo."

4. Sponsored Segment: Bezel Wine [09:05 – 14:56]

Tony introduces a sponsored segment about Bezel Wine, discussing its origins, pricing, and characteristics with input from guests.

Key Highlights:

• Wine Details: Tony breaks down the advertisement, questioning the meaning behind terms like "fruit forward" and dissecting the pricing strategy.

  Tony Kornheiser ([09:27]): "Bezel draws from 50 years of winemaking experience ... for your everyday wine drinking occasion."

• Guest Insights: Greg Garcia explains the pricing tiers, comparing them to more premium brands, and suggests Bezel is suitable for casual consumption.

  Greg Garcia ([10:43]): "The Chardonnay ... is in the $50 range. So I feel like this is for you ... you might be grilling out tonight."

• Wine and Snacks: Tony expresses enthusiasm about pairing the wine with potato chips, adding a light-hearted tone to the segment.

  Tony Kornheiser ([11:24]): "I am raring to go because I've got potato chips."

5. Comedy and Stand-Up Discussion [15:12 – 33:19]

A substantial portion of the episode revolves around a conversation about stand-up comedy, featuring Greg Garcia and Richard Justice sharing their experiences and perceptions.

Key Highlights:

• Greg's Stand-Up Venture: Richard Justice recounts Greg Garcia's initiative to perform stand-up comedy during a European tour, despite Greg's initial apprehensions.

  Richard Justice ([19:05]): "He says, you'll do it? I go, absolutely, I do ... hoping I bomb."

• Fearlessness in Comedy: Tony and Richard discuss the audacity required for stand-up, referencing Tony’s own unsuccessful attempt inspired by Glenn Brenner.

  Tony Kornheiser ([26:14]): "I did stand up once in my life ... I couldn't do it."

• Modern Comedy Landscape: The conversation shifts to the challenges comedians face today, balancing humor with societal sensitivities. They mention contemporary comedians like Joe Rogan and Bill Burr who navigate these waters successfully.

  Richard Justice ([32:58]): "But when people say you can't do these things anymore, there are stand up comedians ... Bill Burr ... they are making tons of money."

6. Listener Mailbag and Emails [34:52 – 58:09]

Tony and his team engage with listener-submitted content, reading and responding to various emails and messages.

Key Highlights:

• Personal Stories: Listeners share personal anecdotes, such as Ken Hope’s harrowing experience post-heart transplant and his connection to the show.

  Ken Hope’s Email ([56:57] – [53:22]): Details his medical journey and proposes becoming the show's official heart transplant ambassador.

• Humorous Contributions: Nigel delivers a humorous monologue about the "Deer Poop Diet," adding levity to the episode.

  Nigel ([16:19] onward): Repeats the "Deer Poop Diet" joke multiple times, blending it with a snippet of a song.

• Interactive Elements: The segment includes punchlines and jokes from listeners, creating an interactive and engaging environment.

  Listener Jeff Barger ([57:05] – [58:09]): Mentions Beatles movies and connects personal experiences with the podcast content.

7. Closing Remarks and Sponsor Messages [58:09 – End]

Tony wraps up the episode with final thoughts, sponsor shout-outs, and appreciation for the listeners' support.

Key Highlights:

• Acknowledgments: Tony thanks sponsors like Mint Mobile and Intuit's TurboTax, integrating their advertisements seamlessly into the conversation.

  Tony Kornheiser ([15:12], [16:04]): "Switch to Mint Mobile today ... TurboTax is uploading your forms with a Snap."

• Final Interactions: The episode concludes with Tony referencing listener emails and reinforcing the community aspect of the show.

  Tony Kornheiser ([57:37] – [57:47]): Engages with Leslie Thomas’ email about clock settings, leading to a humorous anecdote about relationship fallout.

Notable Quotes:

• "Their pitching is not in sync. It's either the bullpen or the starter." — Tony Kornheiser ([02:58])

• "The two greatest prospects in history are stinking the joint out." — Tony Kornheiser ([02:59])

• "Buzz Williams is a stabilizing force now." — Tony Kornheiser ([07:19])

• "You have to have guts. That is the hardest job in show business." — Richard Justice ([28:43])

• "If you make somebody laugh, make you laugh, you're in the crowd." — Richard Justice ([20:25])

• "Every player is looking for any inch of competitive advantage." — Anne ([48:55])

Conclusion

In this episode titled “We Know You Have Turtles,” Tony Kornheiser and his guests navigate through a diverse array of topics, from sports analysis and coaching hires to humorous anecdotes about unexpected plane policies and the intricacies of stand-up comedy. The blend of insightful commentary, light-hearted humor, and listener interactions creates a rich tapestry that both entertains and informs. Notably, the segment on Bezel Wine adds an informative touch about the wine industry, while the extensive discussion on comedy provides a deep dive into the challenges and triumphs within the field. Listener mailbag segments further personalize the show, fostering a sense of community among the audience. Overall, the episode exemplifies Tony Kornheiser’s signature style of engaging, multifaceted conversations that resonate with both longtime fans and new listeners.

Transcript

[Tony Kornheiser]

Hey, it's Tony. If you're hearing this, it means that Nigel has flushed the mouse and forgot to have me record something new. So who knows who our guests will be today? Maybe Mick Jagger, Sandy Koufax, Dalai Lama. Long hitter. The Lama? Probably not, but I guess you'll have to tune in to find out. But first, let's keep the sales weasels happy. I was never really a runner. The way I see running is a gift. Especially when you have stage four cancer. I'm Anne. I'm running the Boston Marathon. Presented by bank of America. I run for Dana Farber Cancer Institute to give people like me a chance to thrive in life, even with cancer. Join bank of America in helping Anne's cause. Give if you can@b of a.comSupportAnn what.

[Nigel]

Would you like the power to do?

[Tony Kornheiser]

References to charitable organizations is not an endorsement by bank of America Corporation. Copyright 2025 @ Lowe's Pros Save big on the supplies you need to get the job done with the new Mylo's Pro rewards program. Get member only deals every week and access to free standard shipping. Plus members earn points toward exclusive rewards. Join for free today. Lowe's we help you save. Points are awarded on eligible purchases. Programs subject to terms and conditions. Free standard shipping not available in Alaskan Hawaii. Exclusions and more terms apply. Details@lowe's.com Terms subject to change. Previously on the Tony Kornhauser Show.

[Greg Garcia]

Could you enjoy the buffet while trying to catch up with people?

[Tony Kornheiser]

No, I. It was also Butler d'oeuvres. So I could stop somebody and say, hey, hold on a second, please. And, you know, go for the mini crab cake. Chicken or some tuna? No, I didn't get any crab cakes. I saw them on a large display, a buffet, and I felt it was too early to go over there. I felt it's never too early for the crab cakes. Do I want to be the first one separating from the crab? No.

[Greg Garcia]

Okay, then they're fair game.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I didn't do it because I'm always afraid. Somebody said, did you see what Kornheiser did?

[Richard Justice]

First one in.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. So I didn't. I wanted to do it. This is General George Washington, and you're listening to the Tony Kornheiser Show. By the way, I went to Taco Tuesday last night at Columbia. Very good. That's great. I mean, not everybody can go because you gotta belong, but it was very good. I'll tell Michael about it later. Greg Garcia is with us today. We're gonna chat at great length during the show. But not in the Open. Not in the Open. The Open is devoted to. Well, I don't want to devote the whole thing to the Nats. The Nats lose last night, it was the starter for the second game in a row was a starter that got the team in trouble. Not the reliever. But their pitching is not in sync. You're not getting starters and relievers having good games at the same time, not having bad games at the same time. It's either the bullpen or the starter.

[Greg Garcia]

We're back to the top of the order.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. And. And they lost last night in Toronto, so they're now one and four. They had a chance to win the game last night. What's the starter's name? Mitchell.

[Greg Garcia]

Mitchell Parker.

[Tony Kornheiser]

He started last night.

[Richard Justice]

No.

[Greg Garcia]

From the other day.

[Tony Kornheiser]

No, no, no. Last night. Who started last night because he gave up three runs in five innings and the ball was hit very hard, but he hung in there and got outs when he needed to get outs. The Nats were in a 3, 2 situation. James Wood, who everybody thinks is the greatest prospect in the world, unless you think Dylan Cruz is the greatest prospect in the world. James Wood doesn't hit the ball. He strikes out. Dylan Cruz makes all outs and is on the bench now. So the two greatest prospects in history are stinking the joint out. So he struck out or ground, whatever he did. James Wood was out, and then Luis Garcia was up with two on and hit a long drive to center field, and it was caught. And I don't mind that he got good Wood on the ball, and he's proven over a couple of years that he's a reliable hitter. So if you're going to go down like that, it's okay with somebody that you like. And it wasn't a. Called three looking. Called three looking drives you crazy. It's the worst. Who was the starter?

[Greg Garcia]

Trevor Williams.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Trevor Williams. Trevor Williams. Trevor Williams. Okay. So, I mean, you know, it was not great, not awful. They lose it.

[Greg Garcia]

But as a baseball fan, when the Blue Jays got the lead to see, you know, early in the season, using bunts to move runners over. Good to see baseball.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, it really is good to see baseball. It's. It's. Yeah, I watch it every night that I can. I watch it every night.

[Greg Garcia]

What's frustrating for me is I have two different TV setups. I have a cable box and then I have the streaming app downstairs, and they're about three pitches off.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Oh, is that right?

[Greg Garcia]

You have to be very. Yeah, you have to be very.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Which is ahead of the Other the.

[Greg Garcia]

The cable box, I think gets the direct feed. So it's ahead by. Yeah, by just about a pitch or two.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay. Buzz Williams will be the coach at the University of Maryland for basketball. That is a lot better than I thought they were going to get because Kevin Willard, who should have been fired for. Cause the Chancellor of Maryland should have called him up when he said all the things he said two weeks ago about how the AD was leaving, even though the AD had not announced this, and I think has the right to announce his own plans, shouldn't be sabotaged by one of his employees. He announces that and he says, you know, I got a contract offer right in front of me. But I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I need this and I need this and I need the other thing. And at that time, it was being reported that he was playing footsie with Villanova and he was playing footsie with Villanova. And at that point, when you're in the NCAA Tournament, you're not giving your full attention to your team. And so the Chancellor should have said, hey, get out and get out with. Cause we're not paying you any money because you did not do the job here that we asked you to do and that you signed on to do. Now, I'm being a little bit extreme here, but that's how I feel. And I would have, by the way, I would have offered Gary Williams the deal for one year. I given Gary Williams five to $10 million and I would have said, pick any assistance you want from anybody you've ever had and let's just do it for a year while we reset our program. If you don't win any games, doesn't matter. It's okay. You know why? Because that court has your name.

[Greg Garcia]

That would generate some nils.

[Tony Kornheiser]

It has your name on it and just have a good time. Yeah, just help us out. You helped us out once before. You left a great job at Ohio State to come back to Maryland. You won a national championship. That's why your name's on the court. So I would have done that. But Buzz Williams, who has coached well at Marquette, has coached well at Virginia Tech and has coached well at Texas A and M, has brought each school into the NCAA multiple times, has been to four Sweet Sixteens and one Final Eight. Yeah. Which is a lot better than Kevin Willard has done. Buzz Williams is coming. I don't know why. I mean, it can't be for money because Texas A and M, if you remember the football coach there, Jumbo Fisher, the buyout was $100 million. So it's not like Texas A and M is not paying a lot of money for coaching, because they are. Because they have money. It's Texas kids. They have money. So I don't think he's coming for money. The only thing I could think of, and haven't talked to anybody about it, the only thing I could think of is that he thought to himself, you know, I don't want to be at a football school anymore. I mean, everything's football here. It doesn't really matter what I do. Nobody really cares. I'm the off season, you know? But if I go to Maryland, even though they have a football program, A, the football program stinks, and B, they're still a basketball school. They're always going to be a basketball school. They're in the wrong conference. It's not that I can do about that. Yeah, but I'll take the job. That's what I'm thinking, but I don't know. I don't know. Theories, anybody? Theories? Yeah, I mean. Yeah, theory.

[Richard Justice]

You're looking at me.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Well, I don't know. Maybe you have a theory. You were in the Maryland University system.

[Richard Justice]

I have no theory. Thoughts on this of any importance.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I mean, it makes sense for. But I mean, why am I asking you? Well, you asked the room. I know, I know, I know.

[Richard Justice]

You're in the wrong room.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I'm happy for Maryland that they got buzzwords. Me, too. I think I could have gone right down the drain. Yeah. And he's. He's a stabilizing force now. They're going to win no games next year. Everybody left. Yeah. They either went to the NBA or they went in the transfer portal because it was a mess, you know, and some of them may end up with Kevin Willard at Villanova, you know, Via con Dios.

[Richard Justice]

I will say this. For the first round of the tournament, I was in Vegas and I did bet on the Terps and make some money. Okay, good, because on my plane, before we took off from Santa Barbara, the flight attendant got on the. On the thing and said, guys, this is going to sound weird, but we know one of you has turtles. And we're not taking off on this plane until you reveal yourself. And so you need to hit your call button and let us know who has the turtles. And we're looking around like, this is the craziest thing we've ever heard.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I've seen this in the paper on other situations. What is. Why are turtles.

[Richard Justice]

I have no idea.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Illegal in airplanes?

[Richard Justice]

I have no idea. So we're looking around. Sure enough, a couple rows in front of me, slowly I see this finger go up and hit the button. They come over, start talking to these two women, escort them off the plane. One of them looked really angry, as if she maybe was the one who said, why are you bringing those turtles?

[Tony Kornheiser]

Do not do that.

[Richard Justice]

Do not bring this turtle.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Do we know why turtles are taboo on an airplane?

[Richard Justice]

Do they carry salmonella? Do they? I don't know.

[Greg Garcia]

So most major airlines, including Delta in the US Require reptiles. Amphibians to be transported as cargo. I think. I think you can travel with them. They just have to be under the plane.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So they can't be in your purse.

[Greg Garcia]

Yes.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Can't be in your pants. Yes. Which is what happens. They find turtles in people's pants. Yeah. And why are you taking turtles anywhere?

[Greg Garcia]

There is not an official TSA rule according to the.

[Richard Justice]

My. My one friend said, I never would have said a word. I would have swallowed my turtle.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Just unbelievable. Okay. One other thing I hold in front of me for people watching on News Channel 8, a wine that is now from the Cake Bread family. Katie from Cake Bread has hooked us up with a case of 12 bottles. I. I had 12 bottles in my house. Now I have six. Six disappeared. Does anybody want to take a guess where the six are?

[Greg Garcia]

I brought in reinforcements.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. Michael took six.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Which is totally fine. The. The wine is spelled B E Z E L. Is it pronounced bezel or Basil? Bezel. Bezel. Bezel. Okay. It says new from, like the ring setting. Huh?

[Greg Garcia]

Like where you put, like a gemstone on top of a ring that's called a bezel? I think so.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I've never heard that word before.

[Richard Justice]

Have you heard this guy on Jeopardy?

[Tony Kornheiser]

Wow.

[Richard Justice]

Wow.

[Tony Kornheiser]

800.

[Richard Justice]

I thought it was another name for the devil.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. Beelzebub. Beelzebub. New from the family behind Napa Valley's iconic cake bread sellers. Bezel draws from 50 years of winemaking experience and crafting high quality fruit forward wines. I don't know what that means. To elevate your everyday wine drinking occasion with a focus on selecting grapes that reflect the unique personality of the region. Basil, Chardonnay and Pinot Noir come from California's maritime cool climate. San Luis Obispo coast and Cabernet Sauvignon from Paso Robles. So if I try to figure out what this is and analyze it, if it says your everyday wine drinking occasion, that's not a $90 bottle of wine. Correct. That's a 30, 40, 50 bottle of wine in their Minds.

[Greg Garcia]

Yes.

[Tony Kornheiser]

What is fruit forward? What do you think that means?

[Greg Garcia]

Just parse this for you. You tend to like fruit forward wines. Whether I do Pinot, whether it's a Beaujolais, it doesn't have a lot of that chalkiness that you might find with, like, a big red. But for these, I looked this up, so a lot of the bezel price points are in that mid-20s to the low-30s.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Okay.

[Greg Garcia]

And if you go to the I can afford name, their caps have. Is closer to a hundred dollars.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah.

[Greg Garcia]

The Chardonnay that I think they're most known for is in the $50 range. So I feel like this is. Yeah. For you. You might be grilling out tonight. Open up that wine. If you end up, you know, not finishing over two nights, don't worry about, you know, pouring the last glass down.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So I didn't. You know, I haven't had any yet, but Katie assured me that I could have it with potato chips.

[Greg Garcia]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I am raring a go because I've got potato chips. Yes. And. And Carol says she's gonna make with sour cream and onion dip. She's gonna make an onion dip thing, so. And I could use that on the potato chips with this wine.

[Greg Garcia]

It'll go nicely with my dad's chips.

[Richard Justice]

That's what the world's been waiting for.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I don't know. Well, we know we have those special wine chips. We still have those special wine chips. And those are thick, and you can use them. And I don't know, should I use them with red or white? I don't. I'm. It doesn't matter.

[Richard Justice]

It's just so exciting. You're discovering new things right into your 90s.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. In my old age. In my old age, I have permission to eat potato chips with good wine. Very good day. I'm excited.

[Greg Garcia]

I am. But I'm. I want to learn more about this because I'm wondering about the general price point that a lot of consumers are looking for. They might not be looking to spend $100 to $50 on wine more than just for special occasions.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's what I would think.

[Greg Garcia]

And what's interesting is being as we look at the expected rise of imported wines and goods because of tariffs, look at some of these California wines and think that's a really sweet spot. You've seen this with another. When we saw this, I was. I was thinking about the. The Bonanza red that you've had before.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah.

[Greg Garcia]

That is from the Camus family, but that would be in that same.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I've had that out at the beach? Yeah, they sell that out at bin 66. So when. When there are tariffs and everything goes up and all important stuff is going to go up. Sure do. Do you think American companies will sort of fill that void and their stuff will go up a little bit too? Maybe not as much, but they're in the business of. Business of making money. What do you think?

[Richard Justice]

I think that will definitely.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's what I think is going to happen. Like if you think you're going to get a Chevy Volt for eleven hundred dollars. No, that's not going to happen. If you think that, you know that imported wine is going to go way up and so you're going to run to the $20 rack. There's not going to be a $20 rack. The $20 rack is going to be a $35. Right.

[Richard Justice]

If the other wine is 40, they're going to get it up to 35.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's what I think.

[Richard Justice]

Still getting a deal in their mind, right? Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Right. Do you think this will affect. Thank God we don't import eggs. Our own eggs go up on their own. Will this affect electricity, transportation charges? It will. Everything will be effect. Everything is going up. And this notion that it's not is crazy. Yeah, I would think. By the way, let me give credit to Michael Bezel. A groove holding the crystal of a watch or the stone of a gem in its setting. Where did you learn that? Is that an Ivy League education?

[Greg Garcia]

I read the placard that they sent with the wine. If you look at the logo, it has a ring in the center.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Probably should have done that since I've been holding it for a while.

[Richard Justice]

You've got.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, it does have a ring. Does it say that? I didn't know that. The winemaker. The Bezel winemaker is Jane Dunkley. She's an Australian native who has worked 25 harvests across four countries, including Australia, Italy, Portugal and the United States. Isn't that nice? She's based in Paso. I also wonder Robles near you.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah, it's a little north of us, but I've been up there and. Yes, St. Louis.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Have you had the wine?

[Richard Justice]

I'm not much of a wine drinker. Ever since I, you know, I dabbled at Frostburg with a Little Mad Dog 2020 and Boone's Farm.

[Anne]

There you go.

[Richard Justice]

Other than that, it's a little lost on me.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, I'm not good at wine. I like to drink it, but I don't know anything about wine.

[Greg Garcia]

So with this, I also wonder about the. The change of the weather out in California. And if those, those big wine names that we think of up in Napa, it just becomes harder to, to control the, the outcome of what the final product looks like.

[Tony Kornheiser]

People are getting out of the wine business because of fires and changing weather. You know, that's what happens. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we'll talk to Greg about his upcoming trip, his new friends and his new job. I'm Tony Kornhouse.

[Anne]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.

[Richard Justice]

I don't know if you knew this.

[Anne]

But anyone can get the same Premium.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying.

[Greg Garcia]

It's not just for celebrities.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So do like I did and have.

[Anne]

One of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail].

[Tony Kornheiser]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] this is a message from sponsor Intuit. TurboTax Taxes was getting frustrated by your forms. Now taxes is uploading your forms with a Snap and a TurboTax expert will do your taxes for you. One who's backed by the latest tech which cross checks millions of data points for absolute accuracy. All of which makes it easy for you to get the most money back guaranteed.

[Richard Justice]

Get an expert [e-mail], only available with.

[Tony Kornheiser]

TurboTax Live full service. Seek guaranteed [e-mail] guarantees you're listening to.

[Richard Justice]

The Tony Kornheiser Show.

[Nigel]

There's the Scarsdale diet, the Grapefruit diet. But here's my favorite diet, if you're willing to try it. You get two days of vomit, two days of diarrhea. Dear Poop diet, deer poop diet. Skip not one iota. Make sure you eat your quota. In Sioux Falls, S.D. there's the Duncan's diet, the Paleo diet. Here's my favorite diet. Don't deny it. He get two days of vomit, two days of diarrhea. Deer poop diet, two days of vomit, two days of diarrhea. Deer poop diet. Deer poop diet.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Who's gonna say Dan Byrne isn't brilliant? Who is gonna take that position? Dan Byrne writes Patrick Sitter from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, who he mentioned in the song, seems to be my new co writer. Hope you all enjoy Deer Poop Diet. Brilliant.

[Richard Justice]

I think that's my new Favorite.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Just totally, totally brilliant. Glaze in. Greg, you wanna.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah, I have gifts.

[Tony Kornheiser]

All right, tell us about the gifts.

[Richard Justice]

Well, I like to come bringing gifts. I just have some quick gifts. I know Michael has been hitting the simulator.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yes.

[Richard Justice]

A lot. But you can't always get to the simulator. So I got him something. A simulator at home.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Oh, look at that.

[Richard Justice]

You can play golf on the toilet with this.

[Greg Garcia]

We are potty training.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So Nicholas got his game. Yeah.

[Richard Justice]

And then with today's political climate, I'm a little worried about Nigel. So I got him an official green card.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Oh, look at that.

[Richard Justice]

That's a green card with his name on.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's official.

[Greg Garcia]

It's laminated.

[Richard Justice]

And you're a simple man. I know it makes you happy.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I'm simple. Candy makes me happy.

[Richard Justice]

Not candy.

[Anne]

Lint.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Gourmet truffles. Lindsay, that's great. Thank you so much.

[Richard Justice]

Enjoy.

[Tony Kornheiser]

We're waiting for people to send us this candy that we have.

[Richard Justice]

I figured I was going to beat the rush after the other day's podcast.

[Tony Kornheiser]

You'll be pleased to know that the gentleman with Hershey. Yeah. Was it or. What's the address? That's en route.

[Richard Justice]

Wonderful, wonderful.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So let's start. Nate Bargazzi.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Who is now one of the hottest comedians in the country, if not the world. Yes. You are pals with Bart Gazzi.

[Richard Justice]

Yes.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Tell everybody how you met and where that relationship is now and what your plans are.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah. So I met him about six years ago. A friend of mine was doing a pilot with him, and I went in and helped out for two weeks. And, you know, the way he tells the story is, like, on day one, he's like, ugh, who's this guy? I gotta listen to this guy. Like, what is this guy? And then I started pitching ideas and. And. And we hit it off. You know, Oddly enough, I think one of the things that cemented the deal was, you know, he's a huge PTI fan, doesn't miss an episode. And so when I mentioned having worked for you and everything, and he just, you know, he absolutely lit up. But we really bonded and became friends. And the funny thing is, is back then, I think if we had walked into a studio to pitch a TV show together, the reason they would have done it would have been me. Not sure they would have liked him.

[Tony Kornheiser]

They didn't know him.

[Richard Justice]

Didn't know him. Now, I think if we went in and pitched a show, they'd pull him aside and go, listen, we can do better than Garcia.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Right?

[Richard Justice]

But. Yeah, but he's. He's had this crazy rise in the last six years.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Saturday Night Live has really helped it.

[Richard Justice]

It's been unbelievable. And to, to, to be able to.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And he does a clean act, right?

[Richard Justice]

Completely clean. And he'll sell out, you know, he'll sell out the Boston Garden or whatever it's called now, a 3:00 show and a 7:00 show. And the reason he'll do that is parents bring their kids, grandparents. Now you're selling six tickets, eight tickets. You're not just selling two tickets.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And he doesn't do political stuff. He does situational stuff.

[Richard Justice]

He tells stories from his life. And, you know, it's funny because I. We sit and we tell stories to each other and, and I think, you know, we enjoy each other's company because we make each other laugh. And that's the currency around comedians. You could do, you could be whoever, it doesn't matter, your politics, your religion, whatever. If you make somebody laugh, make you laugh, you're in, you're in the crowd and, and we'll tell stories. And sometimes they'll say, I could tell that story in my act. And I go take it. And he's like, no, it didn't happen to me. You know, he wants to tell things that happen to him, but just hanging out with each other things, you know, it's funny. We were at this golf tournament in Tahoe. That one. They.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, he's also a stone cold golfer.

[Richard Justice]

He's a great play all the time, great golfer. And so he plays in these celebrity tournaments that they put on tv. And we were at the one last year in Tahoe. Sands was doing the. He was in the booth. I went and saw him and we were sitting around the table afterwards having lunch, and he actually did a version of this on Saturday Night Live. But it's just an example of how just being around each other and having stuff happen and point it out. He ordered, I ordered a cheeseburger for lunch. He ordered a pepperoni pizza. But he says to the waiter, I don't want a lot of olive oil on it. So just a little olive oil. And the guy's a little confused. He goes, so do you want no olive oil? And he goes, listen, I don't want a lot. I don't want a lot. So if it's going to be a lot or a little or, or none, that's my choice. I'll take none. He says, okay. He says, look, it just seems like you're gonna put a lot of olive oil on it. And the guy goes, you know what? We're not gonna do olive oil. He says, okay. And he walks away. I look at the menu and I go, hey, dummy, did you think they're gonna put a lot of olive oil on it? Because it says extra virgin olive oil. And he goes, yeah, it's right there. It says extra. They're gonna put extra. I go. And I explained to him what it is. He goes, oh, that's going in the act. That's definitely going in the act.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So you're. You're gonna go to Europe with him?

[Richard Justice]

Yeah. So I was in Vegas with him. He plays the win a couple weeks ago, and he plays the win. And it's fun because we go out there and hang out with the comics and play some golf and stuff. And then, yeah, he, he. He wanted me to go to Europe with him. And so, yeah, on Friday we're going actually on my birthday and Nigel's birthday this Friday, we're flying to Norway, and then he's doing a European tour. So we're doing Norway, Belgium, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Manchester, Scotland, and Dublin.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So places where they speak English? Yes. Like, the last thing on earth you want is a place where they don't speak English.

[Richard Justice]

Absolutely, absolutely. So it'll be interesting. So what, what the most interesting thing for me is a little terrifying, but. And we'll see if it happens. But we're in Vegas and we're sitting around and he's talking with his tour manager, going through the whole thing, and he yells over at me, goes, hey, Greg, we don't have a host for a couple of these shows. You want to get up on stage, do five minutes of comedy and host. Now, I've never done stand up comedy. Never, never in my life. So I immediately said, absolutely, yeah, absolutely, I'll do that. And he just starts laughing. He goes, you'll do it? I go, absolutely, I do, because this is going to be the greatest thing in the world, because he's going to tape it. He's hoping I bomb. Amazing, you know, incredibly bomb. I will have a plan. In fact, I told them. We were standing on the side of the stage in Vegas, and the other comedians were giving me a hard time. They said, greg, you want to walk out there? It was empty at this point because you want to walk out there and start practicing and figuring out how to stand up. I go, no, it's okay. I'm gonna be fine. Don't worry about me. And Nate said, look, I have no doubt you're gonna have a plan. You're gonna know every word you're gonna say you would practice this in the mirror like a lunatic. You're gonna know exactly what you're gonna do. And then about halfway across that stage, you're gonna forget every word. So we'll see what happens.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So you've never done stand up?

[Richard Justice]

Never done stand up. I, you know, I've done speeches at weddings. I, I, I can always fall back. And as the host, you're always one line away from getting off stage.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's all you can, it starts to.

[Richard Justice]

Go bad, you just go, hey, give it up for your next comedian. And nobody's gonna go, oh, the host didn't, didn't go on long enough.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So I thought about this because I did stand up once in my life. Not, not stand up, stand up. About 30 years ago, could you look up Glenn Brenner, the year that Glenn Brenner died? Because Glenn Brenner figures in the story. For people who don't know who Glenn Brenner is. Glenn Brenner was a sportscaster in Washington D.C. in the 70s and 80s and 90s. The word brilliant is the only word that has ever been ascribed to Glenn Brenner. Glenn Brenner was hysterically funny, incredibly creative, a large person, about 6 5, was in the Phillies minor league organization and had the gift of sports and humor and everybody knew it. Everybody who ever saw him said, who's that guy? I mean, he's that good. January of 92. 92, okay, so this is, I'm doing this thing in either 91 or 92 or probably 91. Channel 7 is giving me a half hour that they're going to call the Tony Kornheiser show. And I'm, it's a pilot now. It was never picked up and it should never have been picked up. But I've got plans. I got Christine Brennan on it, I got Wilbond on it. I've got an interview I did with Johnny Unitis, who was alive at the time. And it's going to be a half hour show on Channel 7. If it makes it. And again, didn't make it, it's okay. But I got shirts that say the Tony Kornheiser show, which I've never worn. I've got those shirts. So I've got to get out there and I've got to talk at the beginning of it. And that is, it's not stand up comedy, but it's me. I'm out there alone and I have to write it and I have to figure it out and I have to know when to say I will be back and all of that. And I went to Glenn Brenner to ask him about it because I thought he was the funniest guy that I'd ever met. And Glenn said, I did stand up twice. I killed the first time. I was hysterically funny. Everybody loved me. I couldn't wait to get back out next time out. It was like nobody in the room spoke English.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I got no laughs. I was crushed. I said, I will never do this again, and looks at me, so. So good luck.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah, well, that's. That's what happens if you start to bomb. What happens? Because if you're doing good, it's great.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yes.

[Richard Justice]

And there was one time I gave a speech at a wedding where I got a groan. I made a short joke about the groom and they. The family didn't like it. I thought it was a good joke. He was short, she was tall. I said they were dating for a while, but for the first three dates, she thought she was dating the guy that was standing behind him. But eventually she dropped her keys and they locked eyes. And it's been love ever since. See, it's a good joke, but the family didn't want to hear it. And they groaned. And just hearing that groan, I sped through the rest of it. I was very nervous, but I know I can fall back on stories. You know, there's one story I might.

[Tony Kornheiser]

You're a performer. You can do it.

[Richard Justice]

I think I can do it.

[Tony Kornheiser]

You coach, you write for other people, you can write for yourself. The only thing you have to worry about is, yeah, well, I've never been out here before, but you should be able to do that. Yeah.

[Richard Justice]

And there's some story. There's some stuff.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Plus, Bart Gazzi will kill you. He'll rip you. It'll be so funny.

[Richard Justice]

Oh, my God, he'll love it. He'll love it. He'll absolutely love it. And I'll say this about, you know, hanging out with him. He's. He's the most generous guy and to his friends and his family and everything. And. And I'm. I'm definitely benefiting from this friendship with all these fun adventures and stuff. And I. I think back to my brother in law, who's a very wise man, wise beyond his SAT scores. And he. He was out one time when I was working on My name is Earl. He was out visiting in L. A And I come home from a long day at work, and he's lying. He's in the pool on a raft, drinking a beer, and he goes, hey, man, welcome home from work, grab a beer, get in the pool. And I'm all frazzled. I go, no, man, I got two scripts to read. We got a table read next week. The script's not ready. I got to look at a cut and do some editing. And I just went back in the house kind of stressed out. And he took a sip off his beer, and he looked over at my wife, and he goes, it is far better to know the man than to. And now I'm living a little of that. I see what he was talking about.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Do you. I mean, you've dealt with a lot of actors. Some of them probably were comedians at some point in their lives. Is there a characteristic of comedians that, you know that you can identify and say if they don't have this, they can't do it?

[Richard Justice]

Gosh. I mean, you know, it's a. It's a kind of a lame answer, but they're just. It's just. It's just funny. It's not like. I mean, look, you have to have guts. You know, you have to. That is the hardest job in show business. I would say the second hardest job is writing, because you. You have to come up with something from nothing. All the other jobs are hard. Directing's hard. Acting's hard. But you get some instructions. You get.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And you get help.

[Richard Justice]

You get help, you get instructions. There is a path to forge. With writing, you have nothing, and you have to come up with something out of thin air. But with stand up, you have to come up with nothing from nothing, and you have to perform it. So that's why I think that's the hardest job. If I come up with a script, I can give it to somebody else and hide behind the camera. If it bombs, it's on them.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Right.

[Richard Justice]

You know where. Stand up. That takes all the guts in the world, I think.

[Tony Kornheiser]

And I. I had no idea if I could do it. I don't think I could do it. I'm too old to do it. But I remember when I was in high school, I wanted to be in the plays. I really admired the people in the plays. I couldn't. When I read for the part, I was no good. Yeah, like, the other people would put on accents. They. They lived it. And I practiced it that way. But then when it happened, I couldn't do it. Yeah, but I also found out, and I didn't know this till almost middle age. I didn't know it till radio. I have a performance gene. I have it. I couldn't do what I do if I didn't have that gene. It doesn't mean I'm funny. It doesn't mean I can do stand up, but it means I can. I can get up there in a group and I'll be the one say, okay, I'll take that. I'll perform that. You've got that as well.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah. And it's the it and it's the fearlessness and the ability to bomb and. And go forward and just be like, that's not going to kill me. Yeah, you know, that's not going to kill me.

[Tony Kornheiser]

So the other day, for reasons unknown to me, Carol, my wife, began to watch on television. I guess you can do this, Michael. She began to watch the episodes of Listen Up. She found them on a television, not.

[Greg Garcia]

A tape you the t vote from 25 years ago.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I guess. I guess.

[Greg Garcia]

And that's not streaming anyway.

[Tony Kornheiser]

I refuse to watch them when the people who played the roles are now 80. You know, I refuse to watch it. But. But I did think. I thought you could write it. I thought that if we put together what it looked like.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

In those days, that maybe that could be a sitcom now. Maybe not. I don't know. But do you ever think to yourself, yeah, this has been dead for 15, 20, 30 years. I could do a revival of this?

[Richard Justice]

Yeah. It's tough, though, because. Because some people, you know, because you have rights and everything, but some. And then. And then everybody wants to do new stuff. Right. You know, it's like. Because they don't get. Because the executives and the studios don't get credit for doing old stuff. Right. If, like, if you shoot something at another studio for another network, that always. People say, well, they didn't. They passed on it. So let's try to sell it to somebody else. So if I do something with ABC and they don't want to do it, and I go, this would be perfect for cbs. Well, the problem is the executives at CBS have to tell their bosses everything I did developed isn't good enough to get on. But these people at ABC did something better than me. We'll put that on. And then their bosses go, well, what do we need you for?

[Tony Kornheiser]

What do we need you for?

[Richard Justice]

Let's hire the people. So you want to get people invested in the project. So that's why sometimes that's tougher.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, Comedy is tough now.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Because you can't insult them. The only people you can insult are rich old white men. Yeah.

[Richard Justice]

Fair game.

[Tony Kornheiser]

You can insult them and they don't care because they're rich. They don't Care, right. It doesn't matter. But I read a review the other day of Glengarry Glen Ross. This is one of the great short plays ever written. This is David Mamet, kids. This isn't some guy living down the street. This David Mamet.

[Richard Justice]

It's a good cast too, right?

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the reviewer was angry because of the particular ethnic jokes that were put into this thing. He, I think, was. He, I'm not certain, was infuriated by this. And this is a larger problem. The larger problem is that, that, that which was funny at one time, the Don Rickles school of you cannot do it. You cannot make Blazing Saddles again. I understand that. I get it. But the only. But it has limited comedy to me, I think, because there are very few safe things that you can do that are still funny.

[Richard Justice]

Well, here's the thing. You can do it. They're doing it. You're going to maybe get some flack, some particular reviewers. But when people say you can't do these things anymore, there are stand up comedians, Shane Gillis, Joe Rogan, you know, all these guys out there. Bill Burr, who is in Glengarry.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yes. There's a big story about him.

[Richard Justice]

They go out there with no fear and they do whatever they want. They do and they have an audience and they are making tons of money. I mean, that guy Louis CK that was canceled for all kinds of shenanigans, he's making tons of money on the road. You can do it. You just have to be prepared for some blowback that you need to ignore. But you can do these things. People are out there doing it, making tons of money.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, Gervais. Yeah. I mean, that's. He's totally fearless. Yeah, Gervais and the Borat. Oh, yeah. The most. Bangkok. They're the most fearless people of all time.

[Richard Justice]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Kornheiser]

But are they still popular?

[Richard Justice]

Gervais seems like he's kind of backed off. And Sacha Baron Cohen is doing more serious acting these days than the shenanigans he used to do. But.

[Tony Kornheiser]

All right, well, can I try.

[Richard Justice]

Can I try one joke out on you? Sure. It's gonna work on the Road.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Is it in English?

[Richard Justice]

Yes, it is in English, by the way.

[Tony Kornheiser]

The other thing I would suggest is that every country you go to, you make fun of the people in the previous country you were in.

[Richard Justice]

That's a great idea. You know, and then in Amsterdam, I might do a joke. If I do Amsterdam might do a joke about how stupid the Nazis must have been. Because I keep seeing signs for where Anne's Frank's house is everywhere. But I might do at stycy. But I might. But I might do. I might do a little chunk about kid. This is actually a little story, but I think it could work on stage. I might do a little story about how your kids kind of will show you who they're going to be at an early age. I was, my middle son. I was. I was picking him up at elementary school in the fourth grade, and I picked him up and I want to engage him in conversation. I go, how's school today? He goes, good. We had science. I go, oh, cool, Science. What'd you learn in science? He goes, I learned that before we were humans, we were monkeys. And I said, oh, man, that's cool. And so, so what were we before we were monkeys? And he thought for a second, he goes, I don't know. I don't even remember being a monkey.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Steal it.

[Richard Justice]

There you go.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Steal it from you. All right, we'll take a break. Richard justice when we return. I'm Tony Kornheiser. This is the Tony Kornheiser show.

[Richard Justice]

Tony Korniser show.

[Tony Kornheiser]

This is our second go round with Joy and the Wildfire. We played them the other day, liked it very much. This is the second song that they sent us. Samantha Joy Pearlman, who is Joy of Joy in the Wildfire. This is a song called Shouldn't I Be Older? They're really good. Yeah, the people that sent us music are really good. They're better than we are and they deserve better than us. They really do. Joy in the Wildfire again, Shouldn't I Be Older? Plays in Richard justice and Richard justice has so many geographical things going on in the city. State of Texas right now. They got a Final Four men's team in the state of Texas in the city where Richie lives, they got a Final Four women's team in the state of Texas. At the school that Richie went to, they got all the baseball stuff. They got. It's, you know, we get to thoughts on a torpedo bat and thoughts on Sean Miller going to University of Texas to be the basketball coach. So we'll get to all of that. But I know that you wanted to talk about, about Junior a little bit.

[Anne]

I did. And, you know, just hearing you guys, I'm sure it's been the same way for you. Like moments, memories just pop up in my head. The other night I was in bed and I just bolted awake and went, said to my wife, Marty, I said, one pair of shoes. She's like, what? I said, junior, when he had lots of money. He had one pair of shoes. And you know, to somebody like Mike Wilbon who was, took a lot of, I mean, spared no expense in dressing, like he just could not believe it. And people in the office at the Washington Post were going, wait, one pair? Why do I need two pair of shoes?

[Tony Kornheiser]

Only have one pair of feet.

[Anne]

Yeah, but we're covering the 1986 National League championship Series together. Remember the Mets win it, game six in the Astrodome, that classic 16 inning game. Junior, we do the clubhouse thing and we're back, back upstairs. I don't even know if he had the nickname Junior at that point. It might have been John at that point. But he, he, there's an odor emanating from Junior. And I finally go, what is that smell? And he, he'd been in the champagne showers and all. He, he unbuttons the first three buttons of his shirt and reveals that he has stolen Jesse Orozco's champagne soaked hat from the clubhouse. I said, you know, they have five. MLB has 500 cops in that locker room looking for someone who's gonna steal something you, you couldn't. And he just like, he was so happy with himself that he had his favorite closers.

[Tony Kornheiser]

He loves the Mets team.

[Anne]

That was the, that postseason. 1986, we had an off night in New York. We started at Runyon. You know the place. There was waves of people coming through this. It was a sports bar, Hoops Weiss, I think Lupica. Tom Penders came in through the night. We started with a Sizzler. That's. As you know, he likes steak.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yep.

[Anne]

And waves of people came and went. I don't think we left Runyons, but we. Anyway, like at 2:00am we were back at Runyon's. Guess what? We had another round of steaks.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. Because that's, that's what he wants. He wants the, he wants the dinner steak. He doesn't want the lunch steak. He wants the dinner steak.

[Anne]

The Duke Zebra dinner steak. I met him in 1981. I was covering the Dallas Mavericks in their first year of existence. He walks into the locker to practice and Dick Motta goes, no, no, your boss, our boss, George Solomon, your boss wasn't fair to me. He wasn't nice to me. He took the side of the owner, Abe Poland, and, and he's not going to talk to Junior. And four hours later, Motta has filled up four notebooks.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah.

[Anne]

Fast forward. Years later, I tell the story to George Solomon, who I am then working for. And George was convinced and I Think he's probably right that at some point Junior uttered the words to break Motta, to warm Motta up, said, well, I have to work for the guy. How do you think I feel?

[Tony Kornheiser]

There's no question about that. Junior was able to charm people. You wouldn't think so, but he was able to charm people. You know, I woke up this morning and I've spent years being critical of Junior's writing and just saying, how could you write this? This is wrong. What are you talking about? So on and so forth. But I woke up this morning and I wanted to read Junior talk about Buzz Williams leaving Texas A and M for Maryland. I wanted to hear what he had to say about that.

[Anne]

So that's because you know that he has known Buzz forever.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's right.

[Anne]

Rick Barnes told Junior when he was in South Carolina, this is the happiest I've ever been in coaching. Like, a week later, he takes the job at Texas, and Junior calls him and says, what's the deal with that? He said, you've never been happier. And Rick Barnes said, well, you know, coaches, we run from happiness.

[Tony Kornheiser]

It's a good line.

[Anne]

North Carolina wins the ACC tournament one year, and the theme in the North Carolina locker room was, nobody believed in us. When kids go and nobody believed in us. In the back of the scrum, you hear Junior's voice go, you were the preseason number one team in the country.

[Tony Kornheiser]

That's right.

[Anne]

The kid looks like. Well, Dino didn't tell us that.

[Tony Kornheiser]

No, he was. He was good at that. He was good at bursting balloons. He was. Let me.

[Anne]

Let me rattle.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. Let me get to a couple of things here. The Houston Cougars, they've been a good team for many years, and nobody knows anything about them. I assume you know something about them. Are they going to beat Duke? They got the best defense in the country.

[Anne]

Duke may be the best team in the country, but this is a team. And you. You almost never see this in a polarized state like Texas where you have Texas fans, A and M fans, Texas Tech fans. I think everyone in the state's rooting for the Houston because you. You know what kind of people they are by the way they play. It's Tony. It's a defensive team like, you can't believe. They know the. And they know the other team's plays better than anybody else and how they did it. Kelvin Sampson was an assistant with the Rockets. Daryl Morey called him a defensive genius. You know, he had great runs at OU and Indiana, ended with NCAA violations. Kelvin Sampson sits down with Tillman Fertitta, the booster, and said, look, you guys are kidding yourselves. You cannot do this. Your arena is a joke. My daughter swam over there. Liz swam over there and would have to run the bleachers there. There were rats the size of house cats in that place. It was a disaster. And he said, you can't compete this way. We need charter aircraft, we need a practice facility, and we need to rebuild this thing completely. And Tilmo Fertitta said, okay, here's $20 million. You go raise the rest. And I think the ticket, what they've spent now is about $100 million. The arena is beautiful. It's 8,000 seats. It's full every game. They built state of the art practice facilities for both the men and the women development center. But it's mainly Kelvin Sampson going into people's houses and going, I'm going to coach the hell out of your son if he'll come here. It's not going to be pleasant. There's a price to be paid. We are a defense first team. And I'm telling you, Tony, he's one of those guys that if you spend 10 minutes with him, you believe. And he has put. His son is the heir apparent. Kellen Sampson. His daughter Lauren, I think, is the defensive genius who gives the players the scouting reports. When you watch them play, you will say, how did they. How did they. They. They defend the passing lanes better than anybody you've ever seen. And they just. He has a mind. The team has a tough mindset, this kid. Juwan Roberts, LJ Choir was kind of a prima donna at Baylor, transferred in. He is a defense first guy now. They are a joy to watch. And these guys around in the area, Elvin Hayes, Clyde Drexler, they have bought in completely because. And Jim Nance, he had Kelvin, had Jim Nance pose. Jim Nance spent years. U of H graduate.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. Played golf there. Yeah, right.

[Anne]

Trying to raise money, trying to pull the team into the 21st century. And it was just about an impossible task. And everything they become then, they're pretty respectable in football now. They hired Willie Fritz from Dulane. Everything began with Kelvin Sampson. Getting the basketball team on tv. And the way they play is so appealing, you can't help not root for them. There's a guy here, Mattress Mark, the guy who bets all the money. He told me last year. I said, they got a chance to win it. And he says, and it would be. It would be one of the happiest days. It would equal the Astros winning the World Series, because everybody loves that team and that coach and those players, I.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Had no idea, because I think outside of that bubble, nobody even knows who they are. You know, I don't think in California or New York or Michigan or Florida anybody even knows who Houston is. What about the Texas women? They're in the Final Four. How is that. How's that working?

[Anne]

That's the same way they hire this coach, Vic Schaefer, who had great success at Mississippi State. He coached all around the area. He was an assistant coach for the women's team at Texas A and M in 2011 when they won the national championship. And this will tell you about the passion of coaches. He's like that classic high school coach that all he ever wanted to be was a math teacher and a high school coach. Texas A and M, he's the assistant for Gary Blair, a Hall of Fame coach. He's on his knee after they beat Baylor in the regional final to go to the Final Four. And he's doing a radio interview. He's, like, looking at me, or he's looking up in the stands on his knees, doing the radio interview, and he starts to cry. He starts to weep. Not just tears, he starts to weep. Just falling. And what it was was former Texas A and m players, about 10 of the women had gathered right behind him. And in that moment, he's. All the sweat, all the practices, all the bus rides, everything came rushing back to him about what they had accomplished in that moment. And I thought, like, 100 years from now, if you want to know why coaching is special, why people like coaching, how they get engaged with their. With their. With their team, that. That moment told to me, I'm telling you, I told Vic that a couple of times through the years. They are. They have a kid named Rory Harmon, who might be the most popular player Texas has ever had in women's basketball, wrecked her knee two years ago. It looked like she wouldn't be able to play again. And she has been. She. She was the. She has been great in the postseason. And their best player is number 35, Madison Booker, who. Number 35 at Texas is Kevin Durant's number. She is the female version of Kevin Durant in that she's that inside, outside player that can pretty much take over a game, you know, can they be South Carolina they beat?

[Tony Kornheiser]

Well, they play them every year twice. I mean, they know each other.

[Anne]

Yeah, they beat them. They beat them once this year. But, you know, Don Staley's got a monster team, monster program going there, but it is. Women's basketball is so different now in terms of speed and, and the coaching and the. In the commitment to it. It's hard not to buy in. And it'll be a pretty cool thing for us Texas alums.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah. Well, I know you're a UT guy. I'm going to shift gears completely. The torpedo bat. Is this something out of nothing or is this a real deal?

[Anne]

Well, it was, you know, it was inevitable we were to get to looking at the bats. Aaron Layman, a guy, he's a field coordinator for the Marlins. He has a PhD in physics from MIT. And like Billy Bean will tell you that baseball is the smartest industry in the country right now, that people are passing up jobs to work in baseball. All these teams have these smart guys. And Aaron Layman left, left his job. He taught at Michigan and, you know, a Ph.D. from, from, from. From MIT. He started fiddling with bats. How can we make bats more effective? And he decided that you put the fat into. It looks like a bowling pin. You take the fat into the bat around the label. And he got hooked up bats like a couple of years ago, Paul Goldschmidt and some other guys went to a company in Louisiana, Mariucci, and had their swings analyzed. And so you. If you noticed, Goldschmidt was one. I can't remember. Those had like a. Their bats looked like a hockey puck attached to the end of the very end of the bat. And there was something breaking down the swings. And this is the next evolution of that. Now, Those bats went 0 for 18 with 10 strikeouts last night. So it is for the Yankees. So it is about making pitches, but every player is going to be trying them now. You know, John Carlos Stanton went nuts in the postseason last year using one. And that's got. That got everybody's attention. I saw that Mariucci is delivering bats to Alec Baum of the Phillies today. I mean, you know, when something like this, every player is looking for a. Any inch of competitive advantage. So, you know, I guess if you think about it, it makes sense that the label would be the part. This could be the sweet spot part of the bat.

[Tony Kornheiser]

It drives Wilbon crazy because it's based on analytics. Drives him crazy.

[Anne]

It definitely is. But, you know, if you just call it information, that's a different way.

[Tony Kornheiser]

He doesn't want to do that. He wants to attack it. To attack everything is analytics. Even like the clock on the wall is analytics. That's his favorite thing to attack. Richie, thank you.

[Anne]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Richard justice, boys and girls. Always good to have Richie. We will take a break. We Will have email and jingle when we return. I'm Tony Kornheiser. You're listening to the Tony Kornheiser Show.

[Nigel]

Here comes Tony's mailbag. Got your email, faxes and notes. Here comes Tony's mail bag. Gonna read some for all you folks. Hey, Tony. Come on, come on. Hey, Tony. Read that mail now, baby.

[Tony Kornheiser]

It's my favorite. I'm so sad they broke up. Yeah. Hot pink hangover. So sad. You want to do the Bethesda Bagel yet?

[Richard Justice]

Bethesda Bagels.

[Tony Kornheiser]

We love them. You will as well. Just go to Bethesda Bagels.com Greg got lucky. He's getting Bagels Bagels today. To the golf course. Yeah. Very good day. Just check them out on Bethesda Bagels.com for location in the DC area nearest you. Then pop it in and you'll be thrilled. Before we get to the mailbag, let me just say, deep down in Louisiana, close to New Orleans, we're back. Up in the woods amongst the evergreens, there stood a log cabin made of earth and wood where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode who never, ever learned to read or write so well. But he could play guitar just like ringing a bell. Charles F. Berry. Johnny B.

[Greg Garcia]

Good.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, but as good as it gets. Thanks to our guest today, Greg Garcia, Richard Justice. Thanks as well to today's sponsors. Remember, you can listen to us on Apple podcasts, Spotify and Odyssey. Ought to see if you get the show through Apple Podcasts. Please leave us a review from Larry Harper Jr. Chuck and Roxy. Number 497. Wait, they have that many episodes? No, but here's to hoping. Last August, we adopted a senior pittie named Dininah. She was nine years old, couldn't pee with other dogs, was heartworm positive, needing the insanely expensive treatment for the condition, and had been in the pound for four months. So, of course, come on home with us, puppy dog. We live on a few acres of land in Clayton, North Carolina. Outside of that major city in North Carolina. I'd rather not hear you pronounce ever again. It's probably Raleigh, and I pronounce it incorrectly all the time. Where she is able to demonstrate her greatest talent while walking and intensely sniffing the ground, she can, with lightning speed, scoop up deer poop from deep in the grass before her parents have any chance to stop her. With it being spring and deer being active, ask me how our last two months have gone. It's like the Amazon river of dog feces. Down here in North Carolina, we're never buying new carpet there's no point. Good luck. I believe in you. The Puppy Dog Neil in Rockville Been a long time for Neil Ross. I was sorry to have heard that Chessy was having stomach issues that you believe may be attributable to something eating something like deer poop on your walks. But did you check your wallet to see if you were missing any fives or tens? Because I understand some dogs like to snack on straight cash. The other dog did. From Ken Hope this a long one. This is a long one in Essex Junction, Vermont. My apologies for the lengthy email, but I think you're going to find it interesting. Excuse me, I was listening to Friday's podcast on my way home from Tufts Medical center in Boston to Essex, Vermont and you read an email from Mike in North Hero, Vermont. I thought, hey, that's cool, as north hero is about 25 to 30 minutes from my home. I listened as you read the email and the story about his father who played piano at a bar near Fenway and going fishing with Ted Williams. I thought, wow, that awesome. That is a cool story. He then went on to mention that he used to be the conductor of the USMC band. Not United States Marine Corps Band, the President's Own. I almost drove off the road as I realized, hey, I know that guy. Mike served as the conductor for over 20 years from Bush Senior to Obama. He's a few years older than me, but he and his sister were in the high school band together. His wife was good friends with one of my sisters and used to come over to our house fairly regularly. Mike's father was my high school music teacher and a very good friend of my parents. Mr. Colburn was my favorite teacher throughout high school. We had band first period every day, so I had them every day for four years. I had no idea about that fishing story, even with all the time we spent together. I messaged Mike when I got home and he mentioned he's been a fan since he was in Washington on every platform. Much like myself, by the way. I was heading back to boston after my 11 month post heart transplant checkup. I had a heart attack last March and subsequently was sent to Tufts for advanced heart failure treatment. I spent 59 days inpatient and thanks to the amazing transplant team at Tufts, I'm able to write this. I know you've had some bad experiences with Cigna, but they have paid almost $2 million in medical bills for me in the last year. I've never written before, but I was wondering if I could be the official heart transplant ambassador of the Tony Kornezer show warm regards, Ken Hope. Sure, absolutely.

[Richard Justice]

Well, no wonder they rejected everything. This guy took all the money.

[Tony Kornheiser]

Yeah, from Raffy Zach in Hollis, New Hampshire, but formerly Great Neck, New York. I heard the great Ted Williams fishing story from Mike of North Hero, Vermont, and realized I may have some connective tissue to the emailer. He said he was the former director of the President's own band, and look him up. I learned that he was the director that led the All Eastern band from high school students in 2005 when I was in it as a clarinetist. It was the experience of a lifetime, and I thank him for everything he did for us bringing it back to baseball. I believe we played Lincolnshire Posey, which has no relation to Buster Posey, as far as I know. What do we got here? Ken sands, Forest Hills, D.C. i saw the title of Monday's podcast, the Better Sands, and I thought that might be me. Or an early April Fool's joke. Ha. C'est la vie. P.S. tell Scott Mulhauser to eat it. Jeff Barger, Hillsboro, North Carolina. Did you hear about the four Beatles movies, one about each member of the band, to be released in April 2028? What? No rascals movie? What are we even doing here, man? You told me about this. Yeah. Sam Mendez, who's a great director. He's a great director. Yeah. It's gonna do an individual movie, I guess, with each of the characters. I don't know how it's all gonna tie in. Barry Keegan, I think, is that you pronounce his name. He's gonna be playing Ringo, and I think Paul Pascal's playing McCartney. That's the only thing I don't know. I mean, I. It's dicey territory. Yeah. I have a very clear picture of the Beatles in my head, and it's not going to be the Beatles. It's going to be people pretending to be. I don't know. I don't know. Bob in Atlanta, I perked up when you mentioned Eureka, California, on the pod last week. I thought, I know that town. I used to work in that town. I then lived in southern Oregon. Had to drive 60 miles each way, which wasn't bad since it was 15 most of the way. That's i5, I guess, is what he meant. I did get snowed in once, but only worked there for a year. The job was doing it support for Siskiyou County's mental health department. It was an unremarkable year, except for when I resigned, which I did with a haiku. I would like to point out that I'm currently number 958 in March Madness pool, so I've got that going for me, which is nice. From Ted Smith in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania after listening to the most recent podcasts, I've come up with a new marketing pitch. A lot of influencers are peddling biohacking and longevity solutions to aid their listeners towards living a long, healthy life. Here's my takeaway from the TK podcast. Biohacking routine 6am possibly 6:30 depending on the alarm. Some sort of stretching routine 6:30 walk Chessie 7am onward a mix of bagel sandwiches, wine, potato chips, Swiss chocolate leftovers from the fridge that might be past their edible prime pizza and Rehoboth and ice cream with some frustratingly bad golf mixed in some days. Let me know if you think I missed anything and we can get cranking on monetization strategies. Wilbourne believes in that. Wilbourne believes in going on the Internet, believes in influencers. Since I don't go on the Internet, I don't Jeff Newville in Hickory, North Carolina My oldest child, a feminine child, is getting married in May. I'm trying to wangle you an invitation, but it's tough ticket. Please be patient. Keep checking your mailbox. I have few wedding responsibilities outside of writing checks, but I'm allowed to choose the song for a father daughter dance at this time. My Girl by the Temptations is a clubhouse leader, but I am interested in any suggestions that you, a man of letters and music, may have. Any recommendations? My goal's perfect. Yeah, or it's got the greatest bass line in the history of the world in the year 2525. Monster mash I went to the Bayside High School 1967 prom with Barbara Goldberg, who was more a friend than a date. Although we had a great time, the Blues Project was the entertainment. I think it was at Leonard's on Northern Boulevard, Manhasset Regards, DG it's just.

[Richard Justice]

His life I want to know when DG's coming to LA. We got to play golf, man.

[Tony Kornheiser]

He was in LA. I thought children in LA.

[Richard Justice]

I think the latest email said he was going to be in la. Come up. So we have to connect that up.

[Tony Kornheiser]

From Eric Carlson in Morgantown, West Virginia. You started Monday's show by saying, I don't know where you live, but in Washington this weekend. It was beautiful. I live in Morgantown, West Virginia. Have a great rest of your week. From Leslie Thomas in Hillsboro, North Carolina. When I worked in DC, I kept my clock in my car. Always 30 minutes fast. I felt that helped keep me on time. Every time my boyfriend got in the car, he would check the time and then freak out because it was not the correct time. And he would correct it. Is it wrong when you get out of the car? I adjusted the clock back to 30 minutes ahead. Needless to say, we are no longer dating. No, no. She shouldn't have let him in the car. That's the first time he did it.

[Richard Justice]

I tried to bring you today as one of your gifts. A mousetrap. An old school snap mousetrap. But not for the mice. I wanted you to put it on top of your alarm clock in case somebody tried to change it again.

[Tony Kornheiser]

From Pat in Hedgeville, West Virginia. Is it too late for me to enter the bracket challenge? It might be. Mike Corey, Rochester Hills, Michigan. I try to avoid the national news, but this past week I could not avoid hearing about the secret military being shared on a text chain. Was I the only little that wondered if Wilbon was on it? If you're out on your bike tonight, as always, do wear wide when you.

[Nigel]

Take Junery self defense. Then you too can say, nobody bothers me. There's the scars tail diet, the grapefruit diet. But here's my favorite diet if you're willing to try it. You get two days of vomit, two days of diarrhea. Dear Poop diet. Dear Poop diet. Skip not one iota. Make sure you eat your quota. In soup Falls, South Dakota. There's the Atkins diet. The paleo diet. Here's my favorite diet don't deny it. You get two days of vomit, two days of diarrhea. De poop diet Two days above it, two days days of diarrhea De poop diet Deer poop diet. Couldn't reach your mind Lashed out like you did last time and just like before I tried to be cool about it. Patience flickers out my words burn the roof of my mouth Swallow my tongue all the way down, down, down Quiet. Shouldn't I be older? Shouldn't I be older by now? Wouldn't you have asked me Ask me what I needed if you wanted to find out? Shouldn't I be older? Oh, you know I'm feeling older so walk me through these walls head first as the star evolves Another path opens Another man crawls and leaves me standing I sprint as fast as I can Pretend that you're a different man the finish line's close but I don't ever want to cross it. Should not be older should not be older by now Wouldn't you have asked me? Ask me what I needed? If you wanted to find out? Shouldn't I be older? Oh, you know I'm feeling older? You make the silence talk? Close doors right before I knock? Our boundaries Lined with chalk along the pavement? Shouldn't I be older by now? Felt another tantrum? Rising to the surface? But I couldn't make a sound, no? Should not be older? Should not be older? Right now? Wouldn't you have asked me? Ask about the future? If you wanted to find out? Shouldn't I be older? I know I'm feeling older? You should not be all about now? Should not be over by now?