The Tony Robbins Podcast

Episode Summary: Part 3 – "Do This to Forgive What You Can't Forget" with Sage Robbins & Mary B (September 16, 2024)

Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Sage Robbins and Mary B dive deep into the power and practice of forgiveness. Drawing from personal stories, audience questions, and renowned teachings, they explore why forgiveness is vital for emotional freedom and lasting growth. The conversation is practical, spiritual, and emotionally resonant, providing tools and reflections for anyone struggling to forgive themselves or others—especially those lingering hurts that feel unforgettable.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Why Forgive?

• Universality of Forgiveness: Sage lists various reasons people forgive, emphasizing personal freedom, interconnectedness, and release from suffering ([00:25]):
  • "We forgive because you are me. We forgive because it sets us free... We forgive when we recognize we are all human and we all miss."
• Forgiveness as Self-Compassion:
  • "I forgive because it hurts when I don’t. I suffer when I don’t." ([01:48])
• Energetic Cost of Resentment:
  • Holding onto a grudge consumes "units of energy" that could otherwise fuel creativity and joy ([03:10]):
    • "You’re holding this up, this identity... and I’m using energy to keep this posture of righteousness..."
  • Releasing resentment frees up mental and emotional bandwidth for more productive, fulfilling pursuits ([04:14]).

The Architecture of Unforgiveness

• Mental Habits and Righteousness:
  • Sage describes how the mind "builds architecture" around initial hurts, creating stories that reinforce suffering ([07:59]):
    • "Mind builds what I call a support around it and that creates even more clouded vision, confusion."
• Recognizing Patterns:
  • They encourage listeners to recognize self-righteous patterns and reflect on shared human fallibility ([04:45]).

Breaking the Chains: The Role of Forgiveness in Personal Freedom

• Notable Quote from Desmond Tutu ("The Book of Forgiving"):
  • "Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us... until we can forgive... that person holds the keys to our happiness." ([06:26])
• Returning the Keys to Yourself:
  • By forgiving, you reclaim your internal peace and autonomy ([06:26]-[07:24]).

Memorable Moments & Quotes

The Practice of Forgiveness

• Forgiving in Your Heart vs. Face to Face ([09:15]):

  • Audience Q&A: Lauren asks if forgiveness "counts" if it’s only internal.
  • Sage responds:
    • "Absolutely ... We all have people that have passed. Or maybe you have somebody that 20 years ago you had a circumstance that was hurtful or painful...I'll pray this simple prayer: Spirit in me connects to the spirit in you. I release you now. I forgive you. I bless you. Thank you." ([09:28])

• Ancestral Clearing:

  • Forgiveness and healing can extend not just to people in our lives, but to ancestors and the generational patterns they’ve passed down. Mary B touches on the power of ho’oponopono for ancestral healing ([11:05]).

Heartfelt Forgiveness vs. “Lip Service”

• How do I move forgiveness from my head to my heart? (Neeraj’s question, [12:07]):
  • "If I just have discord and I’m like, ‘Hey, sorry about that,’ and I walk out... That’s lip service. It’s insincere... But when forgiveness comes from compassion, because we recognize—‘I’ve been blind too, me too’... that’s different." ([12:19])
  • Mary B adds: “Every situation is just a house of mirrors.” ([14:48])

Forgiving Parents, Healing Childhood

• Do we have to forgive our parents for the way they treated us? (Demetra’s question, [15:24]):
  • "We don’t have to do anything... I’d check in and ask, what does that feel like to not forgive your parents? ... You can just continue to do your self reflection ... It doesn’t have to be that dramatic... It’s kinder and saner when I do." ([15:39])

Forgiveness and Boundaries: Can you forgive and still leave?

• If I forgive, do I have to stay in the relationship? (Paola’s question, [17:08]):
  • "I think you can. Why not forgive? Because it frees you ... and then from that place ... you can decide whether staying is true for you or not. But then you’re not leaving because you’re pissed ... you’re leaving because it’s true in your heart that it’s just time. That’s so kind. That’s so beautiful." ([17:30])
  • Sage shares a personal story from her first marriage, highlighting the distinction between leaving from “emotionality and drama” versus clarity and peace ([18:52]).

Audience Q&A Highlights with Timestamps

1. Forgiveness in the Heart vs. Face to Face ([09:15 - 11:05])

• Lauren asks if forgiving internally is enough. Sage emphasizes the power of internal forgiveness and shares simple prayers and practices for emotional release.

2. How to Feel Real Forgiveness, Not Just Talk About It ([12:07 - 15:05])

• Neeraj’s question leads to a discussion of sincere versus superficial forgiveness, the role of self-reflection, and the importance of going first in difficult moments.

3. Do We Have to Forgive Our Parents? ([15:24 - 17:05])

• Demetra’s query sparks reflection on autonomy in forgiveness and the healing that comes from gentle self-inquiry rather than obligation.

4. Does Forgiving Mean I Have to Stay? ([17:08 - 20:54])

• Paola’s question addresses forgiveness, boundaries, and the wisdom of acting from clear-hearted alignment rather than reactivity. Sage’s personal story illuminates the journey to grace and understanding in closing chapters.

Practical Tools & Practices

• Unit-of-Energy Framework: Recognize how holding onto grudges drains your energy and intentionally redirect those units.
• Simple Prayers & Blessings: Use statements like: “Spirit in me connects to the spirit in you. I release you now. I forgive you. I bless you. Thank you.” ([09:28])
• Ancestral Forgiveness: Apply ho’oponopono or blessing rituals across generations ([11:05]).
• Self-Inquiry & Reflection: Frequently ask, “How do I feel when I hold onto this offence? How does it affect my energy, my mood, my relationships?”
• Practicing Compassionate Communication: When apologizing or forgiving, be specific, vulnerable, and open to reset, rather than going through the motions.

Notable Quotes

• Sage Robbins:
  • “We forgive because it sets us free. We forgive because we are forgiven. We forgive because we choose to wake up from the nightmare.” ([00:25])
  • “As I let you off the hook, I let me off the hook. As I let myself off the hook, I let you off the hook.” ([10:24])
  • "It's kinder and saner when I do [forgive].” ([15:39])
  • “Why not forgive? Because it frees you ... and then you can decide whether staying is true for you or not. But then you’re not leaving because you’re pissed...” ([17:30])
• Mary B:
  • “One thing that I’ve learned from you and Tony: you’ll say like, the units of energy that that person is... you’re giving to that person or you’re giving away.... you’re holding this up, this identity...” ([03:10])
  • “Every situation is just a house of mirrors.” ([14:48])

Closing Thoughts

Sage and Mary invite listeners to gently examine the places in their life where forgiveness is needed, for their own hearts if nothing else. They stress that forgiveness is ultimately a personal freedom, not an obligation, and that letting go can be done silently, internally, or as a generous offering in relationship.

"Create some space, free up some units of energy. So if there’s someone you need to reach out to, make a call, write a letter… know that it doesn’t have to be a phone call. This can be in the silence, in the interior of your own mind and heart. This can be in your meditation. This can be through prayer." ([21:07])

This episode is rich with insight, compassionate self-reflection, and actionable wisdom for anyone struggling to let go of past wounds.