Podcast Summary: The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Episode: Having a Miscarriage at 17 Weeks Pregnant
Date: October 8, 2025
Hosts: Matt & Abby Howard
Episode Overview
In this deeply personal episode, Matt and Abby Howard open up about the heartbreak of losing their baby girl at 17 weeks. Abby walks listeners through her grief, from discovery to delivery, emphasizing authentic healing and intentional community. The couple undertakes a raw, vulnerable conversation about pain, resilience, support, motherhood, and marriage, hoping to provide solidarity and comfort for others navigating similar loss.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. Leaning Into Grief and Avoiding Numbing
- Abby shares her conscious choice not to numb her grief through distractions or substances, but rather to feel everything fully—starting with deleting social media.
"I have leaned into the grief... I have not used any crutch to numb or avoid this." (Abby, 00:07)
- The couple stresses the importance of self-care and being proactive in the grieving journey.
"The discipline to do that when feeling numb is probably... I mean, feeling numb is so much more comfortable than feeling all of those very scary emotions." (Matt, 01:50)
2. The Day of Loss: Signs, Discovery, and Immediate Aftermath
- Abby recounts unusual feelings the night before the appointment, such as the desire for alone time before her kids woke up.
"I just felt this intense desire to wake up before our kids, which is really unusual." (Abby, 05:37)
- Both describe the appointment: the Doppler failing to find a heartbeat, hopeful reassurance from the young nurse and new doctor, and the devastating confirmation in the ultrasound room.
"I literally grabbed her arm, and she said, 'Abby, I don't have good news for you.' And that was when it feels like there was an Abby pre that moment and an Abby post that moment." (Abby, 08:31)
3. Medical Realities and Choices After Stillbirth
- Abby chose to deliver in a hospital rather than have a D&C at a clinic, viewing delivery as her final act of motherhood.
"Delivering her would be one of the last acts as her mom that I could take part in." (Abby, 11:03)
- The delivery process was isolating and physically/emotionally taxing, made starker by reminders such as an idle incubator and absence of fetal monitoring.
"The delivery process looks very similar to a live birth delivery process, but there are some striking differences that just felt very dark to me." (Abby, 12:42)
4. Community, Family, and Support
- Family—especially Abby’s mother, who had experienced a similar loss—was invaluable in their support.
"Having community in my mom has been crucial. Like, it’s been so important." (Abby, 15:04)
- Friends and neighbors rallied: meal trains, care baskets, child care, and even removing prenatal vitamins from sight to reduce painful reminders.
“It takes a friend that knows you very, very personally that can come to your house... and make the road forward a little bit more comfortable.” (Abby, 32:12)
5. Hospital Experience and Memorialization
- Hospital staff’s empathy helped Abby and Matt feel seen in their grief—nurses and doctors cried with them, and a specialized nurse created a foot mold keepsake for their daughter.
"It was so meaningful... the doctor and the nurse were both crying with us. That was really meaningful because it felt like they were recognizing this loss, which also was recognizing her life." (Abby, 17:54)
- They received thoughtful gifts—a book for their children, a keepsake box, and support in making decisions around their daughter’s remains and autopsy.
6. Parenting Through Loss
- The couple shared their pain in explaining loss to their young sons, choosing honest and age-appropriate language.
“The simplest explanation is just that our daughter’s body stopped working.” (Matt, 40:42)
- Both emphasized the unnatural pain of leaving the hospital sans baby, and the comfort their sons’ affection provided throughout.
"It felt like the most unnatural thing in the world to leave the hospital without my baby that day." (Abby, 21:01)
7. Processing Trauma: Grief, Guilt, and Comparison
- Abby struggled with comparing her loss to others but emphasized that all pain is valid.
"Pain is pain, and everyone’s going through it differently and it doesn't invalidate it." (Abby, 15:04)
- She candidly addressed postpartum recovery, feelings of regret, and the gut-wrenching reminders—future milestones, lost experiences, and her child’s absence in day-to-day life.
- Abby also reflected on residual bitterness—grief over her own halted pregnancy while friends' pregnancies continue.
"If you think of it like a timeline, their pregnancy is gonna continue and mine just got... there's a harsh end to mine and that's a little bit harder." (Abby, 46:23)
8. Symbols of Hope and Healing
- Rainbows became a powerful motif—appearing both literally and metaphorically as symbols of comfort and hope for the family.
"The first thing when I opened my eyes I saw was a rainbow... It has been there every single morning when I’ve opened my eyes." (Abby, 57:03)
- Memorializing their daughter through jewelry and daily rituals allowed continued connection and ongoing healing.
"Now I always carry her DNA with me, but I also carry her close to my heart." (Abby, 53:23)
9. Impact on Marriage and Moving Forward
- Their bond was strengthened by the tragedy, finding resilience together and acknowledging the importance of vulnerability and partnership.
"Through this loss, I've had to lean on you in ways that I've never had to lean on you in our relationship ever before." (Abby, 59:52)
- They express gratitude for support, finding new strength and a gentler outlook on life, family, and community.
- Abby closes with hope:
"I'm never gonna stop grieving her. That's heavy. I will carry her with me everywhere... but I'm still going to actively welcome joy and light in this new season." (Abby, 52:03; 70:48)
Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)
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On choosing to grieve authentically:
“I have leaned into every emotion that I’ve felt. I have not used any crutch to numb or avoid this… It has been really healing. I know that I have a long ways to go, but this time I’ve spent off social media… I've done lots of alone time.” (Abby, 00:07)
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On discovering the loss:
“I literally grabbed her arm, and she said, ‘Abby, I don’t have good news for you.’ And that was when it feels like there was an Abby pre that moment and an Abby post that moment.” (Abby, 08:31)
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On the difficulty of leaving the hospital:
“It felt like the most unnatural thing in the world to leave the hospital without my baby that day.” (Abby, 21:01)
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On empathy from medical staff:
"When she came, the doctor and the nurse were both crying with us..." (Abby, 17:54)
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On parenting through grief:
“The simplest explanation is just that our daughter’s body stopped working.” (Matt, 40:42)
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On support from friends:
"They literally picked up our house... prepared a postpartum care cart... They literally took my prenatals off my bathroom counter and put them out of sight." (Abby, 32:12)
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On rainbows as signs of hope:
"The first thing when I opened my eyes I saw was a rainbow... It has been there every single morning when I’ve opened my eyes." (Abby, 57:03)
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On moving forward:
“I've gone through it. I've entered the other side of my worst case scenario and I did it. And I truly feel stronger than ever having done it because I survived it. I'm still alive.” (Abby, 70:48)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:07 – Abby describes her approach to grief and initial steps
- 01:50 – Matt reflects on Abby’s discipline, grief vs. numbness
- 08:31 – The moment of confirmation in the ultrasound room
- 11:03 – Abby’s decision about delivering her daughter
- 17:54 – When hospital staff shared in their pain
- 21:01 – The pain of leaving the hospital without the baby
- 32:12 – Friends’ thoughtful gestures at home
- 53:23 – Memorializing their daughter with jewelry
- 57:03 – Rainbows as a recurring symbol of hope
- 70:48 – Abby reflects on moving forward post-loss
Tone and Language
The episode is honest, heartfelt, and marked by moments of gentle humor, pain, hope, and deep empathy. Abby is articulate and reflective; Matt offers steadfast support, grounding the conversation with warmth and validation. The couple’s vulnerability models open dialogue about grief, marriage, family, and the unpredictable nature of life.
Closing Reflections
This episode stands as both a personal testimony and a beacon for bereaved parents. By sharing their pain and their love, Matt and Abby underscore that no one has to walk through loss alone.
“If you find yourself in a similar situation, you’re allowed to feel strong again, you’re allowed to feel confident again, and you’re allowed to feel joy again. And we can do it together because we’re never made to do this alone…” (Abby, 72:46)