← The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
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- [00:05]
A
You got this.
- [00:07]
B
The first thing I wrote down in preparation to talk about this publicly, the first thing I could think of was to write down was I just wrote the sentence. I'm so proud of myself because in this time, from the minute we found out the news, I have leaned into the grief. I've leaned into every emotion that I've felt. I have not used any crutch to numb or avoid this, which I totally understand why people would in this situation. But it was really important to me to feel everything and walk through everything and even be proactive in this grieving journey as much as I could. And I'm proud of myself for that. The first step in that was honestly just deleting social media, because I think it's really easy to, like, scroll and, like, use social media as a Xanax and just, like, numb myself out. And there's several ways you can numb yourself. You can numb yourself with busyness or, like, you know, trying to just keep going and keep muscling through things and just distracting yourself. Obviously, you could use substances. You could do so many things to numb out. And I can say that I have not done that. And it has been really healing. I know that I have a long ways to go, but this time I've spent off social media, off of my regular schedule not working. Like, all this stuff. I've, like, I've done lots of alone time.
- [01:51]
A
Yeah, I'm really proud of you. I mean, sorry to interrupt, but, like, the day that we found out this horrible news, you deleted all social media off your phone. You just took precautions right away to just protect your mental health, protect yourself, keep yourself from numbing out. Which I was like, wow. I mean, the discipline to do that when feeling numb is probably. I mean, feeling numb is so much more comfortable than feeling all of those very scary emotions. And for anybody listening to this who doesn't know what we're talking about, we had the gender reveal that we were not hoping for, but at a routine pregnancy checkup appointment, we ended up not being able to hear a heartbeat. When we first realized there wasn't a heartbeat and they brought in another doctor to check, I was, like, so confident the entire time they were going to find it. Even after the second doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, and we then got brought into the ultrasound room, I still was so confident that they were going to find it. I just didn't think in a million years that that was something that would happen.
- [03:02]
B
Yeah. Ever since that day, like, I. Like I was saying, I've spent a Lot of time reading, journaling, talking to everyone that I can like in real life, just talking about her and everything that I'm feeling. I've talked to a lot of other moms that have lost their babies far too soon. And I've also, you know, gone to therapy and just done a lot of things to intentionally work on healing and begin this healing journey in a healthy way. And I wanted to talk about this publicly, first and foremost for other moms, because I know the loneliness that you feel. I know the confusing, how confusing it is to grieve something like this. I know what it can feel like to not have someone that understands how you're feeling. And I know that for many of you. Thanks. Many of you, I don't know in person, but hopefully through this episode, and I don't know here or not, whatever may come of this, that if you ever find yourself in this position, and I hope that you don't, that you feel a little less alone because of this conversation. But I also want to record this episode for myself because I really think that talking about my story and our baby girl's story from my own words will be really impactful for my healing journey. And I just want to be. I want to tell my story, and I want to tell our daughter's story with my own mouth. I want to do that myself. And I just think that this will feel like a little exhale to record this episode and then later to post this episode. It will feel like another exhale, and it will feel like progress. And, yeah, I just hope I can do this, like, really, really genuinely and just really also in a way that honors her and honors our family and honors our marriage and everything. So let's start with the morning before we found out the news. I would think, yeah, something crazy about that day is that the night before, I just felt this intense desire to wake up before our kids, which is really unusual.
- [05:36]
A
Yeah. What was up with that?
- [05:38]
B
Yeah, it was really unusual because let me tell you, I don't even think in, like, basically all of 2025, I have chosen to do that willingly. I'm just one of those moms that loves to get as much sleep as possible, and I'll have my me time at the end of the day.
- [05:49]
A
Yeah.
- [05:49]
B
Once they go to bed. But, like, something was on my heart that night before. I was like, get up before the kids and have me time. Like, gather yourself for the day before they wake up. Which was really. I mean, that was. That was unusual.
- [06:04]
A
That was unusual.
- [06:05]
B
And I did. I set my Alarm. I actually even made a video of this morning. Like, I recorded, like, a. Like, a mini morning routine vlog. And I was talking about how I woke up before the kids, and I don't know if I'll ever post that. And then we went to the ob. Something else unusual is that the whole family came. Yeah, that's never happened, really. We usually schedule OB appointments while the kit, like, right after the kids go down for a nap and then have a sitter come and watch the. Like, watch while the kids are napping. And it's just nice because we don't feel like we have to be away from them, but also we can have time, you know, to do the baby appointments together and without distraction. I think that was a unique blessing of that day that we had them there, actually. And I think that I could have thought of it both ways. Like, oh, gosh, they had to be there for, like, a horrible, dark moment, but also, like, they were such a tangible example of joy and hope in such a dark moment.
- [07:00]
A
Mm.
- [07:02]
B
And in a way, like, everything that has transpired since that moment of not hearing the heartbeat still stands out as one of the, like, rawest parts of everything, because a nurse walked in and she was younger and she was just getting, you know. Do you have any questions? How you been feeling? I'm like, I feel good. Like, you know, no specific questions. Like, everything was just very routine. She put the little Doppler on my abdomen and she couldn't find anything. And it was taking a little bit. And I think, like you said, like, that's always spooky. That's like, that's a worse fear situation. But then, like you said, she was young, she was a nurse. I was like, get a doctor and they'll be able to find the heartbeat. Surely. The doctor was. The first day I met her, which was, you know, wild. She was still very reassuring. She was like, you know, also, I just want to say, if any part of this episode is not serving you or it's making you. If you're pregnant and it's making you feel fear, please, like, discern for yourself whether or not this is something you should listen to, because the last thing I want to do is to make anyone feel more fear. Obviously, this is, like, a scary, horrible thing that happened, but, like, if it's not going to serve you, please move on. Like, that's. That's not the purpose in this. This purpose is to, like, find the community of people that need to hear this or want, I don't know, hopefully can do some Good. But anyway, I look back at that moment as, like, one of the rawest moments, because the doctor was also still very reassuring. She's like, I promise. I remember she said, I promise you, these things happen.
- [08:30]
A
Yeah.
- [08:31]
B
And meaning, like, these things happen and the baby is okay. And so they kind of. They were very great to rush us into the ultrasound room. And the ultrasound technician was moving really fast. Like, she was taking those pictures. You know, they're always kind of fast, but she was taking pictures really fast. And whenever we saw the baby, she quickly flipped the screen. But I just remember, without going into too many details, she was really still in there. And they put the little thing on where they're looking for the red and blue for cardiac activity. And the only red and blue dots were outside of her little body, which would probably be, like, my heartbeat. Right. And then I just remember these words. I literally grabbed her arm, and she said, abby, I don't have good news for you. And that was when it feels like there was a Abby pre that moment and an Abby post that moment. Because then we leave the ultrasound room, go back to our doctor. Our kids are wreaking havoc in the office, which was funny and a great relief.
- [09:44]
A
They were, like, opening up the computer and typing on the keyboard.
- [09:48]
B
Messing with flashlights.
- [09:49]
A
Yeah. They disassembled the flashlight.
- [09:51]
B
Yeah. And then you're put in a position where you have to make decisions that you just. And you start the process of making decisions you never thought you'd have to make and you never had even considered, which is, like how you're gonna bring this baby into the world so soon without a heartbeat. And that was tough, but also easy. You know, anyone in this situation, there is absolutely no judgment for what you decide to do. But because I was 17 weeks along, the options are graphic.
- [10:32]
A
Yeah. I mean, essentially, the options that we were given that Abby was given was you can go to what really is an abortion clinic to have them remove the dead baby. And that. Just like that. I never gave you my opinion on that because it was, like, totally your decision to make. But what. What Abby ended up deciding to do was to go to a hospital and deliver the baby.
- [11:04]
B
Yeah. That was one of the easier decisions for me personally, just because it felt like delivering her would be, like, one of the last acts as her mom that I could take part in. While that was hard, it was really not something I had to think super hard about. So left the doctor's office, and then we had to wait a while until there was availability in the hospital. And I will Never forget walking into the hospital, I was just looking at my feet and I was just thinking, one more step, one more step, one more step. Because that's all I could do is, like, break up into the next right step. The next right step. And ever since then, I've been following that same path, just looking down and focusing. What's the next right step? What's the next right step? Because entering those doors, knowing what was going to happen just felt like such a big mountain to climb. But I knew that I could take one step at a time and go and do this thing.
- [12:13]
A
You're doing great, babe.
- [12:14]
B
Thanks.
- [12:15]
A
Delivering a baby that's no longer living is just something that a woman should never have to do. I mean, to. You know, you think about the pain and how hard it is. Like, just regular birth already is so tough on a woman's body. But then to add on the reality that you're going through all of that to not even get your child.
- [12:43]
B
I just remember thinking, like, this is all so cruel because, like, the delivery process looks very similar to a live birth delivery process, but there are some striking differences that were. That just felt very dark to me.
- [13:01]
A
Yeah.
- [13:02]
B
Like, there's no fetal monitoring because they're not looking for the baby's heartbeat anymore. They will basically give you any medication you want.
- [13:12]
A
Including fentanyl.
- [13:13]
B
Yeah, they'll give you literally any. That was an option was any kind of medication, because they're not worried about that affecting anything for the baby. And then there's also the entire time there was an incubator just staring across from me in the room and laboring, knowing that I wasn't gonna get to put my baby in there. That was really tough. That was really dark.
- [13:52]
A
Talk to me about, you know, after. After we left that appointment, I think. I think we are just both in complete shock. You know, we decided to start telling our close family friends about the horrible news we just received.
- [14:12]
B
Yeah.
- [14:12]
A
And you know, immediately, I think, like, one of the first people we told were your parents.
- [14:19]
B
Yeah.
- [14:20]
A
And it was so sad telling your parents, but also at the same time, it was so sweet seeing them just hug you and cry with us. And they were just like the sweetest, longest hugs in that moment. I don't want to speak for your parents, but they've been through something similar. And immediately I was like, wow, you know, that what we're going through right now is. Is so, so awful. But I am so glad in a weird way that your. Your mother is like the. Is someone that you can really talk to about this because she knows exactly what it's like.
- [15:04]
B
Yep. Yeah, she knows a lot of what it was like. And there's been a lot of people that have reached out to me that have similar stories, all kind of different because every story is so different. And the main thing I've learned in this is about. Not the main thing I've learned. One big thing I've learned in this is not to compare pain, because pain is pain and everyone's going through it differently and it doesn't invalidate it or we can't like, say that, oh, this is worse or this is better. Like, everyone's pain is pain. But yeah, having community in my mom has been crucial. Like, it's been so important. And many other women as well.
- [15:45]
A
I think the crazy thing from that day too is, you know, not only did we find out so quickly, just completely, we were taken by surprise.
- [15:56]
B
Yeah.
- [15:58]
A
And then that night we were scheduled to go to the hospital for 8:00pm you know, it was just like right away, literally hours later, we were in the hospital so that you could deliver. But at first, like, we, you know, we. We had life going on. We had things scheduled that day. We had a podcast. We were supposed to record that day. And at first you didn't say anything about canceling it. And I was like, does Abby want to do this podcast? Is that going to take her mind off of things? And I remember I was like, you were on the phone with our sister in law, Abigail, talking about the horrible news, and you were crying and sharing that with her. And I was on my computer, like, just brushing up on the research we had done for this guest. And I remember walking up to you and I was like, abby, we need to cancel the podcast. Like, you know, I think you owe it to yourself. If there's ever something as serious as, you know, a death, a miscarriage, something in your life that happens like that people understand if you need to cancel on them. And so we ended up telling the podcast cast, hey, I'm so sorry, but we're gonna have to reschedule because we just found out about a miscarriage.
- [17:04]
B
Yeah, I mean, I think that was partially shock.
- [17:08]
A
Yeah.
- [17:09]
B
And just like, continue to go through the motions and then partially when your needs are so great, it's almost easier to think about other people's needs. And I was like, oh, if they had plans to do this and, like, got a sitter and.
- [17:22]
A
Yeah, well, you even went to Target to go shopping for gifts for our, our new niece, you know, Abigail's baby that, that she had Just had. You know, that was so selfless of you, but was that, like, was going shopping for her present just something that was taking your mind off things, or were you. Were you probably thinking about our baby the entire time you were at Target?
- [17:44]
B
I don't know. I think I was just going through the motions right there. Like, I had already planned to do that and said I was going to do that, and I don't know. Yeah, I was shocked, too.
- [17:55]
A
Who was the first person that you called after we told your parents?
- [17:58]
B
I think I called Val. Yeah, I called a lot of people, and my girls were so awesome. Which we can go into more of that later. But, yeah, those are phone calls you never expect to make or hope to make. But thank God I had people to call. Like, seriously, like, people I could cry with, people I could pray with you, whatever. It was just so. I'm so glad that I had people to call, because some people don't, and I don't take that lightly. But back to the hospital experience. I think we'll probably have some privacy and, like, the details of it all, because there's really no purpose in sharing that. But a couple things I will share is that something that was really meaningful was that when she came, the doctor and the nurse were both crying with us. And that stands out to me a lot. That was really meaningful because it felt like they were recognizing this loss, which also was recognizing her life. So that was really meaningful. I mean, they were absolute angels. Everyone that helped us in the hospital those couple days, they were so. So empathetic, so clear and so comforting, like, so. And so validating and everything. Like, they. They were incredible. Everyone that walked in the room kept saying, I hate that we're meeting in these. Under these circumstances.
- [19:35]
A
I remember the nurse. The first thing that the nurse said to us when she brought us back from the waiting room was, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that we're meeting our. Under these circumstances. And I grieve with you for the loss of your baby. You know, at that time, we had known that it was a baby girl. We found that out with the initial ultrasound at the.
- [20:00]
B
Yeah, we forgot to say that. We came back from the ultrasound into the doctor's office when we were making plans about delivery and everything. She was like. And the ultrasound tech thinks she found gender. Do you want to know? We were like, yes. And that's when we found out that we had a little girl.
- [20:15]
A
Yeah.
- [20:24]
B
But, yes. Every nurse, every doctor, every person, phlebotomist, you know, whatever was coming in was just so, so gracious.
- [20:35]
A
I kept. I said, like, so many times before this routine appointment that it would be so sweet to have a little Abby running around. It'd be so sweet to have a, you know, your own little version of you. And every time we'd ask our boys if they wanted a brother or sister, they always knew.
- [20:53]
B
They knew that it was a sister.
- [20:55]
A
Always. Griffin always said sister. And just.
- [21:02]
B
Yeah, before we went to the hospital, we did say that, like, we were going to the hospital. And the past two times we've gone to the hospital recently has been to meet our new baby nieces, the boys cousins. And so then Griffin's like, you're going to meet the baby? I was like, yes, I'm gonna meet the baby. And then he said. I said, but we're not gonna get to take this baby home. He said, but I wanna take this baby home. I said, I do, too, buddy. I do too. This whole time, that's still one of the toughest things to grieve is that our boys won't get to meet their baby sister. It's still one of the toughest things, and actually, I can say it is. For me, as a mom, it felt like the most unnatural thing in the world to leave the hospital without my baby that day. That just felt like the most unnatural thing was to leave my baby at the hospital that day. Moms aren't supposed to leave without their babies. That was the hardest thing. I remember the nurse told you to pick up the car, and, like, she would walk us out. And I was like, you can't go without me. Like, I don't think I can walk out of here without you. And so we walked out together, and then you pulled the car up, and I was standing with that nurse, which also, that nurse was amazing. During this whole our stay, we had talked about this coffee shop that she really liked. She's like, oh, you've never been. I was like, I haven't been there yet, but I hear great things. And then right before she left, she gave me the sweetest, most thoughtful handwritten card and a gift card to that coffee shop. And this morning, I used that gift card to get my coffee. And another mom who lost a baby girl at 18 weeks, and we had coffee together, and I was like, I hope that I want that nurse to know that's how we use this gift card. And I'm just so thankful to her. She really was an angel to us. And, like, one of the darkest times there was. She was like a glimmer of Light. Everyone there was.
- [23:29]
A
You know, every hospital is different. So what our experience was at this hospital is going to be completely different than what somebody else might have at their hospital. But something that I really loved is there was a nurse who was fully dedicated to doing footprints and molds of stillbirths and miscarriages to help grieving couples, like, remember their babies and remember that life. And this woman was just the sweetest person. And we quickly found out that she had also been through something similar. She had a stillbirth at 40 weeks. And just seeing how happy she was and how kind she was, like, knowing that she didn't know if we were gonna lash out. She didn't know if that, like, what stage of grief we were in. She was just there to fully be with us and fully, like, walk us through this very scary time. And so what she ended up doing is she did a mold of our daughter's foot, and that was a gift that she ended up giving to us that we could bring home with us from the hospital. And I just thought that was so kind and so sweet that this lady, I'm pretty sure she was a volunteer. Like, that was just her thing. She was there to be with grieving parents to help them commemorate their kids.
- [24:57]
B
It's really special to have something tangible to take home with you. When you don't get to take home your baby, you're taking home a box instead of a baby. It's just. It was nice to have that. She also gave us a book to share with our kids, like a little picture book. She actually read it to us. Yeah, it's called the Yellow Balloon. I think it was actually, like, a local author who wrote it then.
- [25:16]
A
The local author was another mom who lost her baby.
- [25:20]
B
Yeah. So that was a very thoughtful thing that the hospital offered.
- [25:25]
A
Something that I was not prepared for was immediately we were hit with having to sign all this paperwork, and the hospital staff was so kind about it. But, you know, there was questions on, you know, what. What we want to do with remains. There was questions on, you know, if we wanted to have a funeral, questions on the name of our daughter, questions about, like, so many things like that. Yeah. Did we want to do an autopsy? How in depth did we want the autopsy to be? Did we want it to be a. Just a very simple, quick one, or did we want them to, like, really go into depth to figure out what went wrong, what happened? And something that I really appreciated was that our doctor kept saying over and over again to you, baby, that it was not your fault. And she kept saying that this was just a genetic thing, that these things happen, and it. And she kept reminding you and me that there was nothing that we did. And I remember even, like, asking her questions about, okay, did I. Like, I do this sometimes? Like, could this have affected something? Or, like, you know, did I.
- [26:34]
B
Did I.
- [26:35]
A
Did I take this pill that might have some? And she was like, no, no, no. She was like, none of that has anything to do with this. Like, this is just. This is just something that happens. So Abby delivered our baby, and after that, we ended up finding out that the placenta was stuck.
- [26:51]
B
It.
- [26:52]
A
It wasn't coming out. Abby was so far along that the placenta needed to come out. This wasn't something that was just going to come out naturally on its own. And for anyone that's given birth to a baby, you would know naturally on its own. Oh, okay. Well, it can, but in this case, it just wasn't.
- [27:08]
B
It's common to have retained placenta.
- [27:10]
A
Yeah.
- [27:10]
B
I mean, it can even happen with live births, but it is, I think, more common with miscarriage and stillbirth.
- [27:17]
A
The placenta being stuck wasn't something that I was expecting at all.
- [27:22]
B
Something that stands out to me about that experience and a couple other things is how we had to basically teach my body that the baby didn't have a heartbeat and that we didn't have a live baby to take care of afterwards with the placenta wanting to stay in so bad and with needing to take a prescription so my milk would not continue to come in.
- [27:48]
A
You know, one of our friends also went to the grocery store for us and got some cabbage leaves so that you could put them in your broad to help stall milk.
- [27:58]
B
Yeah. And even with having to be induced for this, like, a missed miscarriage is I think the word for it, but meaning, like, we had to basically coax my body to go into labor just because my body didn't want to. I mean, my body didn't know that this baby didn't have a heartbeat. And so, like, every bit of that, like, felt, like, unnatural.
- [28:24]
A
So what ended up happening is the doctor decided, okay, this. This placenta isn't coming out. We need to do a dnc. They went ahead and gave Abby a spinal block.
- [28:36]
B
Some of it had come, but there was, like, retained placenta.
- [28:38]
A
Yeah, yeah, there was retained placenta.
- [28:39]
B
And since I didn't have an epidural, then we had to do a spinal.
- [28:43]
A
Exactly.
- [28:43]
B
Because I had eaten, I couldn't do anesthesia, so.
- [28:47]
A
So, yeah, that. That was something that I was hoping you'd be able to do was anesthesia. Cuz being awake for a surgery, quite honestly, just sucks. Like, it's not. It's not ideal. So I was, I asked the doctor, I was like, is there a way that you guys could wait a little bit until, you know, the food that she ate six hours ago passes through her body? And they're like, well, for safety reasons, we think we need to do it now. So they went ahead and did the spinal block. And so you were awake, but you weren't able to feel anything. But, I mean, you can feel it.
- [29:17]
B
But you don't feel pain.
- [29:17]
A
And that must have been pretty freaky being awake for that entire thing.
- [29:22]
B
I think this is where I entered the numb stage of things. It wasn't like you're just kind of going through the motions at that point.
- [29:29]
A
You know, doing the dnc. Didn't you tell me that your vision was like going in and out? You were asleep for part of it, you were awake for part of it.
- [29:35]
B
You were falling asleep and waking up, which is crazy. I could fall asleep under those circumstances. I mean, the room is so bright. There's so many people. It's really loud. I could also feel things.
- [29:44]
A
Were you scared?
- [29:46]
B
I don't. I don't think I was scared, no. I felt like I was just numb.
- [29:52]
A
But like, at one point you did tell me that when they gave you pain medicine, it made. It made like the. The mental pain that you were feeling, the. The emotional pain go away. Was the emotional pain still there when you were getting the dnc?
- [30:06]
B
Yeah, my memory is kind of foggy of this area. Like, I was just really sad to leave you, but I don't remember. I just remember thinking, I do not want to do this. I do not want to do this. I do not want to do this. I don't think my body can take anymore. But here we are. We did it.
- [30:21]
A
You did it. And you're essentially just like strapped down to a table like they do for a C section. But they unfortunately wouldn't let me in the room because I guess there's just certain rules about that. You know, DNC is completely different than a C section. So I guess dad can't be in there for a dnc, at least at our hospital. But when. When you came out of. Of that procedure, I was so happy that the physical part was done. You know, you still had to get medicine through your iv. You had a catheter. So, you know, that was something that, you know, eventually had to be taken out. But, you know, you were, you're so tough. Like, you took all of that like a champ, and I'm just so proud of you.
- [31:05]
B
Coming home from the hospital, we had basically an army of love and support coming from our friends, family, neighbors, people from every corners of our lives. From people we've had on this podcast to, you know, my gym family. Like our neighbors that we used to live next to our old neighbors from Hawaii. Like everyone from every corner of our life just had an outpouring of love and support and compassion.
- [31:39]
A
Well, our sister in law, Addie, I remember, set up a meal train for us.
- [31:43]
B
And so we have not cooked since.
- [31:45]
A
Yeah, we haven't made dinner since this. The day after we got to the hospital was when we had our first meal delivered to us, literally at the hospital.
- [31:55]
B
Yeah.
- [31:55]
A
So that we didn't have to eat the hospital food. That was our Abby's friend Val that made chicken pot pieces and pumpkin cookies. And then Abby's dad came that night and brought blizzards from DQ and marshmallow malts.
- [32:12]
B
Yeah, people actually like our friends. It takes a friend that knows you very, very personally that can come to your house when you're going through a situation like this. They literally picked up our house. They had goodie baskets waiting for me in the kitchen, all on our bed. They prepared a postpartum care cart for me in the bathroom with pads and all kinds of just like postpartum care products that you would need. And then I think the thing that stands out to me the most is that my friends that came then, they literally took my prenatals, my prenatal vitamins off my bathroom counter and put them out of sight. And it means so much to have friends that are so enmeshed in the fabric of your life that they can go before me and make the road forward a little bit more comfortable. And that, I mean, that means so much to me. Everything that they did and continue to do, like, we still haven't cooked. We don't have plans to cook dinner for. I don't even know. Like, it just. And it's like, I like cooking, but that has just taken a big part of my mental load away so that I can just sit and think about healing, think about grief, thinking about memorializing our daughter, and what is the next right steps from here on out. And so just people giving me that space, holding that space for me has been, oh, gosh, it's like, it's hard to feel deserving of it, but I am just so grateful for all of that.
- [34:00]
A
Yeah. I mean, all of our friends across the board were offering to watch the boys and yeah, that was like, you know, that, that fear of, like, where, where do we, what do we do with our kids? Like, you can't, you can't bring two toddlers with you into the, you know, the delivery of all this. Right. So, yeah, so having friends to watch our kids was amazing. Having family to watch her kids was amazing.
- [34:25]
B
Something that I, I thought was people loving on the people that we love the most. Our two boys was the most meaningful thing that anyone can do. People also were, like, dropping off toys for our kids to play with. People taking care of the people I love the most, like, made me feel the most loved. I quickly found a lot of comfort and progress in my healing when talking with other moms who have lost their babies. And like I said, I kind of had to seek them out. Yeah, because having a late term miscarriage, there's a lot of similarities, obviously in early miscarriage and even in stillbirth, but in this middle zone, it felt a little lonely because I just didn't know who to relate to the most. And there's something to be gained from every woman's story, no matter what stage they lost their baby.
- [35:23]
A
Did you find yourself, like, stuck in this comparison game almost of like, well, man, this, this woman who was there for me in the hospital lost her baby at 40 weeks. And then you're thinking, well, then other people go through miscarriage too, and it's awful. But then, you know, maybe they found out at eight weeks and like, I literally had to deliver my baby at the hospital. It wasn't, it wasn't a very peaceful thing. So, I mean, how do you handle that comparison?
- [35:49]
B
It's hard not to do that. But also, it doesn't serve anybody. You know, pain is pain, and there's just so much to be gained when we find what we have in common and talk about that and talking to other moms about. I mean, a lot of my questions for them have been regarding talking about the loss with their children, if they had children already, memorializing their child, and how they continue to remember and honor the life that they lost. And also just, like, how they grieved within their marriage. Like, like, any tips for letting this bring the two of you together? And things like that? And so I've had so much awesome, vulnerable conversations with lovely women that I, maybe I'll meet with them many other times, or maybe that will just be like, just a little flicker in my life of, like, connection that I needed in a really tough time.
- [36:54]
A
I kind of love how oblivious her kids are.
- [36:56]
B
Yeah.
- [36:57]
A
Like, I kind of love how in the midst of all the chaos, like, in. At the ob, they were just going, like, going nuts, just going crazy. And I'm, like, trying to corral them while we just got devastating news. And I kind of love how when we came home from the hospital, they were just so stoked to see us. Like, they. The joy on their faces. Oh, my gosh. I mean, it was just like. It was like we were celebrities. They were just. They were just so stoked to see mom and dad and it. That made me feel really loved, and that just brought me so much joy and peace.
- [37:32]
B
They were really excited to see us home. They can feel that Mommy's really sad.
- [37:37]
A
They can.
- [37:38]
B
And that makes me sad. But I also think it's important. I've heard it once said that is like a gift to your children if you cry in front of them.
- [37:47]
A
Yeah.
- [37:48]
B
Obviously in a healthy way. And they can see because they feel sadness and they want to cry, but if they cry and they've never seen anyone else in their life cry, it feels like they're going crazy. Right. So obviously there's healthy, healthy ways to do this and not healthy ways to do this, but they've known that Mommy's sad and that I'll feel happy again one day soon.
- [38:10]
A
It was really sweet how our oldest.
- [38:12]
B
Just laid on top of me, just.
- [38:14]
A
Gave you the biggest hug, and just wanted to hold you and cuddle you, you know, the day we got home.
- [38:20]
B
Even our baby did, too. He's in his Spider man costume. I'm so glad I had a superhero to help me, because, yes, like, hand on my knee, and those boys don't like to stay still, but they surely stayed still and laid with me when I couldn't get off the couch those first two days. And I guess it was really just the first day that I couldn't get off the couch. The next day, I started to get myself moving a little bit more. But, yeah, they've been truly awesome. Even our youngest, who just turned 2, so mature in ways that still surprise me. He said in the car to me recently, he said, mommy, you sad? Because he could hear me sniffling. And I said, yeah, I'm sad. And he said, you need to take a break. Because that's what we say. Like, do you need to take a break when they feel, like, sad or angry?
- [39:11]
A
Yeah.
- [39:11]
B
And I was like, yeah, I think I need to take a little break. Yeah.
- [39:14]
A
He's old enough to know that you're grieving, but he doesn't really know why and he doesn't. I don't think he put the connection together about the, the baby. You know, like, we haven't been ever since you told Griffin that the, the baby wasn't going to be coming home with us from the hospital. He hasn't really asked questions about that or followed up.
- [39:33]
B
We're gonna, we're navigating how to talk about her with the kids and how we will continue to like, make her just a part of conversation in our household. Because I don't want that to be the case. But I have been wanting to just like push pause because I don't want to dump my grief and like talk to them in a way that I don't want to use them as a part of my healing journey. Right. Like, they're amazing. Part of it. But like, I don't want my discussion with them to be for me. Like, I want to make sure that I'm doing it, having that conversation or having those conversations in their best interest.
- [40:07]
A
Yeah.
- [40:08]
B
So, yeah, that's something I've been talking about with other moms for. And I think that, yeah, we're going to continue to navigate that. And we've thought of a lot of ways to memorialize her, but I mean.
- [40:15]
A
Even as parents, they're just, you can't prepare for everything. So I googled a couple days ago, how do you talk to your child, especially a toddler, about death? Because that's a very scary thing to bring up. I mean, it's scary for me and I'm an adult. Like, nobody wants to die. There's really just age appropriate ways that you can speak about something as dark as death, even with a three year old. And you know, the way it has to be dark.
- [40:42]
B
Yeah.
- [40:43]
A
Yeah. But like the way I think the simplest explanation is just that our, our daughter's body stopped working. And I think like when we end up do having that conversation with our children, I think saying that her body stopped working is just like the simplest explanation. And it doesn't have to be this like super spooky thing. You know, you can use age appropriate terms to explain these deeper topics.
- [41:09]
B
Something that has surprised me is when I'm talking with other people that haven't experienced miscarriage or stillbirth personally. Is that engaging in small talk? Kind of like what Shea said in our podcast? I relate to that in this moment and it's in a certain capacity because that is draining for me, which I'm, I'm kind of miss social. Like, I love hanging out with people I love chatting.
- [41:35]
A
Yeah.
- [41:39]
B
So what's surprising is that like talking about her and talking about this loss and talking about my grief is not draining to me. Like that's all I'm thinking about. So talking about it is natural and easy and it flows, but talking about my day and light hearted things, that's what is hard. That, that's something that's kind of stood out to me in this time.
- [42:00]
A
I've definitely noticed that like, yeah, especially you know, there's recently we've been starting to have people over at our house and just, just even being around a couple people can, can be draining.
- [42:16]
B
Yeah. My social battery is low.
- [42:18]
A
And so, you know, something, something that we've done is started taking walks together and just having, having that space for like we can talk about it and it's okay to talk about it. And you know, we're already thinking about it. So it's like, why not already? Why not just have the conversation and not be alone in those thoughts?
- [42:39]
B
Yeah. Some of the most devastating parts in these past several days are like when I feel like little movements in my tummy. Whether it's like digestion gas, whatever it may be. Sometimes my instinct is to be like, maybe that's a kick because we were like right at that stage where we were gonna start feeling baby, baby's movements and then that like flicker of a thought is very devastating to come off of and remember like, no, it's not a baby. She's not in there anymore. That is like a hard, that's a, that's a devastating moment in all this. That's like hard to come off of. Saturdays are also really devastating because that's the day of the week where I would be another week further along my pregnancy. So that first Saturday I was like supposed to be 18 weeks pregnant, but this just stopped and got ripped from me. That's hard. The week after that was 19. And something that's hard is like I'm anticipating future devastating moments. Like the date that we were supposed to have our anatomy scan, the date that we were supposed to celebrate our gender reveal. Even Christmas feels devastating because I just had picture Christmas this year with our two boys in a big bump and just like excited for the baby that we were going to welcome shortly after Christmas. Like all of those things I'm anticipating, I'm anticipating the time around her due date to be particularly difficult. And I was talking to a mom. She's like, the anticipation is almost worse than like when these dates actually come around. But those have been like the particularly.
- [44:28]
A
Devastating Moments, something that I wasn't expecting for you to say was around us going to Disneyland. You know, we have a trip to Disneyland coming up with our. With our friends. And now you technically can ride rides. And you were telling me. That's not something that I'm excited about, you know, that's not like the ability to ride. The ride now is really more of a reminder of the reality of the miscarriage.
- [44:57]
B
Yeah, I haven't wanted to do anything that I can't do when I'm pregnant. So, like, having a drink, having. I don't want to do that. My caffeine limits, I want to abide by those because I just. It's just a reminder that I'm no longer pregnant. If I can, like, break those, you know, pregnancy rules, I don't want to do that and I don't want to ride roller coasters. I mean, even going to Disneyland was like something I'm like, I don't even really want to do that because just feels like such a juxtaposition of like the happiest place on earth. And then I feel like the saddest girl in the world. So just trying to, like, grapple with all of that.
- [45:45]
A
And one of your. One of your favorite things that you do pretty much daily is take a bath. It's something that you do to wind down. It's therapeutic for you. Even when we were dating in high school, I remember you would take baths all the time, even when you needed to go to sleep, but you were just stressed out. And I was like, babe, go to sleep. You're. You're. It's one o' clock in the morning, you have school in the morning, and you would take a bath just because it's like, it's your thing. You're a bath person. But obviously right now, after delivering, that's not allowed. You know, you're. We've been told to wait six weeks, but, you know, there's a chance it might be sooner that you can take a bath earlier than that.
- [46:21]
B
I don't know.
- [46:21]
A
We'll just have to hear what the doctor says.
- [46:24]
B
Yeah. Some parts that feel overwhelming is like when I have new revelations of all that I have to grieve. Like I said earlier, one of the hardest parts is I have to grieve the fact that my boys don't get to meet their baby sister. Also, she was a niece, she was a cousin, she was a granddaughter. She's all those things. So I feel like I'm grieving every side of that. Even not just like our daughter, but grieving all that she was and all that we're not going to get to experience because her life was taken so soon. That is like sometimes when the grief feels the most overwhelming, when I realize the new things there are to grieve, something that I anticipated even the day that we found out, I anticipated feeling bitterness or even resentment about the fact that we have two new baby nieces in our family, literally born weeks ago, both of them. And I anticipated, gosh, that's going to be hard. But it honestly has surprised me how it's almost been the opposite. Like seeing them and getting to hold them is hopeful, it's joyful, it's something to celebrate and that's been nice in the midst of all this heaviness. Yes, it is a reminder of what we don't get to have come February. But it is nice to see life and new life amidst loss and death. So I don't know, for those of you wondering, like, I am so grateful to be an aunt to two baby girls now, especially in this season, like it's not. That doesn't make it extra hard for me. I can see where it would for other people and they're allowed to feel that. But I don't feel that way about my nieces literally at all. I love them so much. I love my sister in laws so much. And it hasn't affected any of that, which I'm grateful for. And I'm actually being active and like trying to fight off any type of bitterness or resentment I could feel about that. Something that I have noticed like a little bit of bitterness in myself in is like more related to pregnancy because that was the stage that I was supposed to be in, right? So I was so happy that this pregnancy, I had so many friends that were also going through pregnancy at the same time. And obviously, obviously, obviously I would never, ever, ever want any of my friends to ever experience this. But it's hard not to remember where my pregnancy was supposed to fall in the progression of all my friends pregnancies because I knew I was like six weeks behind this person, six weeks ahead of this person, one week ahead of this person, like two weeks behind this person. And like if you think of it like a timeline, theirs is gonna continue and mine just got, you know, there's a harsh end to mine and that's a little bit harder. Everyone's been so thoughtful for me and they. No one has ever, no one has said anything that has like hurt my feelings and like I'm so happy for them. But that is A more stark reminder of my loss. And that's just something that I've had to be open about with other moms that have experienced loss, and they're like, yeah, that's. That's a thing that we all share, and that's, like, an ugly part of it. But you can feel both things. You can feel joy for them, and you can also feel the pain of that. That. Of that reminder of. You know, it's all a reminder that my womb is empty right now. And that's hard.
- [50:37]
A
I remember at the hospital when you. When you told me in tears, I'm not pregnant anymore, and that was really sad.
- [50:46]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [50:51]
A
And.
- [50:53]
B
Even the reminders. Yeah, go ahead.
- [50:55]
A
And just, like, it was so sweet that, you know, we came home to all these female hygiene products. Your. Your friends had gotten, like, an IKEA cart and filled it with pads and with every little thing that a postpartum mom needs, because you were going through that all again. You. You're postpartum right now. It's so unfair that the post, like, not only does postpartum come with a lot of new emotions and struggles, but it's. It's. It's just unfair to you that you have to handle that, you know, without your baby. And so that was just something that, like, I. I didn't really think through that until we got home from the hospital, and I was like, oh, crap. Like, Abby is. Not only did we just lose our baby, but she's also postpartum right now, and she's bleeding out of her, like, out of that area, because everything is. This is all happening again.
- [52:03]
B
Something I've kind of made peace with in the past several days is that I'm never gonna stop grieving her. And that's heavy. I will carry her with me, me, everywhere. Someone told me that you have your baby's DNA in you forever. So I have her DNA in me forever. And then also. So, yeah, I've been thinking a lot about how we will memor. So I've been thinking a lot about how I will memorialize her life and through therapy and, like, just deep reflection. I, like, decided that I wanted to add her to my necklace that I have. I have, like, a permanent jewelry necklace from Truly Blessed Jewels in Scottsdale, Arizona. I think they're, like. They're amazing. I've loved them from here for years, but I have a permanent necklace I've worn with them for, like, a couple years that have both my son's names on them. And then I decided to add our daughter's Name to this necklace.
- [53:21]
A
It's beautiful.
- [53:24]
B
That was really important to me because now I always carry her DNA with me, but I also carry her close to my heart. And now I am able to, like, touch and feel this when I'm missing her a lot. And just having something to touch and having something to wear is really important to me. And then also, just, like, the fact that she is right in line with my other two children helps, in my mind, like, validate her life and that she's one of my children. And I also think it makes for easier conversation with our kids about, like, okay, wait, I see Griffin. I see Augie. And, like, we can talk about her easier with this. And it's, like, it's a visual reminder for us. It's a physical reminder for us, and it's close to my heart, and that has been awesome, and it's something I recommend for any of you moms that find yourself in this position. That lady sat at the hospital, a part of this dumb club. It's a really awesome, validating experience. And I will say, I went back and forth so much about going into the shop that day because, I mean, I've been a mess, like, physically.
- [54:43]
A
I mean, that took a lot of courage to walk into that jewelry store and ask, you know, to get our daughter's name added to your necklace. I was actually about to ask you that. Like, what. What is it that the shop owner said to you when you walked in the door?
- [54:58]
B
Yeah, like, I was. I thought about not going a lot because I looked a mess. It was obvious that I had been crying. I knew that I was going to cry when I asked about, like, what I wanted to have, but I, like, still went. And she just gave me, they're an awesome company. Yeah, she just gave me the longest hug, and she, like, said to me, like, this took a lot of courage for you to come in here. And they were so compassionate and loving and validating and just really excited to be a part of memorializing our daughter like this. And it just. It really meant a lot. But, yeah, our doctor, our nurses, our community, they've all been, like, stewards of hope to us, I would say. But then also, there have been, like, miraculous symbols of hope for us.
- [55:53]
A
So when we were in the hospital, we didn't know this at the time, but there was a rainbow.
- [55:59]
B
When we were in the hospital, one of our friends was driving and saw a rainbow that ended literally in our neighborhood, like, right by our house. For context, there are not a lot of rainbows in the desert because there's not a lot of rain, obviously, in the desert. So the fact that there was a rainbow on this specific day right by our house was pretty miraculous.
- [56:20]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [56:20]
B
But we didn't find out about this until later because when we were talking with them, we've been talking about all these rainbows that we'd seen because the day that we came home from the hospital, Matt went on a quick jog to clear his mind. And as he's running, he sends me this picture of this beautiful rainbow, which once again is so rare to find in the desert. And that was just like such a beautiful symbol of hope that we latched onto.
- [56:45]
A
That never happens here.
- [56:47]
B
Then later that evening, as a family, we went on a drive.
- [56:49]
A
Yep.
- [56:50]
B
And we saw a double rainbow.
- [56:53]
A
No. Okay. It wasn't technically a double because I think a double is, like stacked on top of each other. We saw two different rainbows in different locations.
- [57:01]
B
Yes. And then I think this one is probably the most miraculous of them all. We saw another rainbow too, on the way to my grandma's house the next day. But something that was really hard for me, ever, like, right at the beginning of finding out the news of our loss and for the couple days after was that I was really terrified to fall asleep because when I would wake up for those, like, first five to seven seconds, there would be. I would forget, like, of what had happened. And the weight of reality felt crushing after those five to seven seconds. So I, like, just didn't. I wanted to avoid that altogether by not sleeping. So I don't think I slept much at all in the hospital. And I didn't want to go to sleep when we got home either because I was just really scared about those first five to seven seconds after waking up. So that first day that we got home, when I woke up in the morning, I kid you not, the first thing when I opened my eyes I saw was a rainbow, which is so weird because I'm in my bedroom. We have lived in this house for a year. We have had our full length mirror in the same spot for an entire year. I've never once noticed this, but the exact way the light was coming into our bedroom and reflecting off the corner of the mirror, there was literally a rainbow cast. First thing I opened my eyes in our bedroom, which was crazy. I rubbed my eyes, I got out of bed, I laid back down, still was there. I tried to even take a picture of it, but it wasn't reflecting right in the lens of the camera. But it was crazy. And it has been there every Single morning when I've opened my eyes, first thing, I see a rainbow. So I don't know, that's just been like a really. It felt like a really, I don't know, miraculous symbol of hope that has continued to chase us both. And so since then, I've, like, had friends. Like, if you see a rainbow or anything about a rainbow, someone has all, like, a bumper sticker that said rainbow on them. Like, please just share it with me, because this has just been, I don't know, a hopeful reminder in a dark time.
- [58:59]
A
Yeah, it's kind of. It's kind of like our daughter, like, I don't know, saying that everything's going to be okay. It's a sign that everything's going to be okay. It's. It's been super encouraging. And even random ones. Even random ones, too. Like, we were playing with our boys on their PlayStation and the misters were going. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, there's another freaking rainbow. Like, just rainbows galore. And so it's just. It's been really encouraging and.
- [59:23]
B
Yeah. And as a family, when we were on that drive that day, the way the rainbow was falling, it was looking like it was landing on a very significant landmark to our family. So it was just been. It's been so hopeful. That's the only word I have. It's just like. Like you said, it's like our daughter saying hi. Yeah.
- [59:43]
A
Saying hello.
- [59:52]
B
A major thing that this loss has taught me is that together, we are so strong. Because through this loss, I've had to lean on you in ways that I've never had to lean on you in our relationship ever before. And you have been such a rock for me in such a pillar of hope and such a dark and isolating time. And, like, having you to lean on is. Just meant the entire world to me. And I think because of this, like, even though I was gutted and heartbroken, I feel like it made us both stronger as individuals and together. And that's been a positive thing that's come out of, like, what felt like something that would have no positive aspects. So.
- [61:01]
A
Thanks. I love you. And just seeing you in physical pain, seeing you in emotional pain has been. Has been horrible. But, you know, I. I think your bravery in going through the motions and not numbing out, not, you know, scrolling until your. Your mind's so numb that you don't even, you know what to think anymore or turning. Turning to a substance to numb the pain, I think it's been really, really cool to see you fully embrace the emotions and sit with them and reflect on them, go on walks, talk to other women that have been through something similar. And I just think that speaks volumes about who you are as a person. And I think you're an amazing. An amazing woman, an amazing wife, and an amazing mom.
- [61:54]
B
Thanks. But you're not giving yourself enough credit like, you have. You have embraced every side of grief for me. I just remember in our bathroom afterwards, like, the first day we got home from the hospital, or second day, I can't remember one of those really raw days, you were like, you can be angry, you can be numb, you can be devastated, you can be confused, you can be absolutely heartbroken. And I'm here for all of it. And that, like, really meant so much. And, like, I couldn't imagine going through this alone.
- [62:37]
A
I love you.
- [62:39]
B
And I feel like the reason I have been able to process this the way I have is because of having you by my side, filling in the gaps that I have neglected in this period of time, letting me, like, I. Letting me sleep as much as I have slept, and just filling in a million different ways to keep our household afloat because our kids still have needs and our life still has things that have to attend to that I've, like, I've been able to unplug and check out because I have you by my side and because you have just welcomed the depth of grief that I feel so compassionately. That has meant a lot. And I just remember you have asked me some of the best questions that anyone has asked me this time.
- [63:38]
A
Really? I didn't even know. What did I ask? That was a good question.
- [63:40]
B
Something that you've asked me that has stood out is like, what are you thinking? Because how are you feeling? Has been a hard question for me. When people ask, I know people are so well intentioned, it doesn't bother me, but I'm kind of like, I don't know, bad. Like, I don't really know how to tell people, like, how I'm feeling, even close people. But you saying, what are you thinking? Has allowed me to get some really dark thoughts out of my head. Some really graphic thoughts out of my head. I don't know. The first time you asked me, you were like, what are you thinking? And I told you, like, my impulse thought that I couldn't get out, but I didn't feel like I had anyone else to share with. I was like, I'm thinking about the fact that she could hear me. And you're like, that's sad. And it felt Good that you recognized that as sad. But also, I was like, I think that's sweet. She knew her mom's voice.
- [64:35]
A
She did.
- [64:36]
B
And that was meaningful. Another time, you were like, what are you thinking? And I was thinking, like, I didn't have a feeling to assign to it, but in hindsight, it was probably regret because you said, what are you thinking? And I was like, I'm thinking that I wish I would have sang to her when we held her. Like, we sang to both of our other kids. We sang you are my sunshine. And I think regret is also something that I wasn't prepared to feel in the midst of grief, but there it was. I didn't know how to answer the question, how are you feeling? But I knew how to answer the question, what are you thinking? But you were also a safe person to share any thought I had at that time with. And so that has been critical for me to be able to get to where I am, get to where I'm able to talk about this, get to where I'm able to cry freely and, like, just not feel ashamed for where I'm at at any given time in this process. And so, like, it's just. You mean so much to me.
- [65:45]
A
I love you.
- [65:47]
B
I mean, that's very sappy, but that's how I'm feeling. Something else that has been a positive that has come out of this is that I've always looked at our boys as such gifts, such sources of profound joy and hope and love, but now I look at them as true miracles.
- [66:10]
A
Yeah.
- [66:12]
B
I'm like, you're here.
- [66:14]
A
Yeah.
- [66:15]
B
And now I look at all life that way, even more so. Like, even just people I see out and about. I'm like, gosh, you're here. That's a miracle.
- [66:25]
A
I think it's been overwhelming, the amount of love and the amount of kindness that has been shown to us the last couple of days, just throughout this whole thing initially, you know, once we. Once we told our friends and family, there was just a huge wave of love and support when we shared with our community on social media. It's just crazy how, like, complete strangers are just so nice. And that's just made me realize that there is so much good in the world, so much good in the world. And sometimes I think it's easy to look at the world and think, man, there's so many bad things. There's so much division. There's all this. And then you go through something like this. And as horrible as it is, I've just realized, my goodness, there's all these amazing good people who just want to do good. They just want to do the right thing and they actually care. Doesn't matter if they're Democrat, Republican, Christian, Mormon, Muslim, who cares, like so many good, loving, kind human beings. And just seeing that has been really cool.
- [67:34]
B
Yeah, I would agree, Fully agree with that. Something else about this all is that our doctor did share with us that most babies with what she had don't make it to 10 weeks. But for whatever reason, we were given the gift of 17 weeks with her. And I really, truly am so thankful that I got what feels like bonus time with her. Even though it was far shorter than what I ever would have wished for or hoped for. I feel really grateful that I got to carry her for 17 weeks. And that's something that I've just realized recently. Like, at first it was like, gosh, could this have been easier if, you know, this kind of went as it typically goes, Even though it would have been hard, like, would that have been easier? And it's like, no. Being able to reframe that as, like, something to celebrate is that I got 17 weeks with her. I'm grateful for that. So moving forward, in light of the advice that that sweet mom gave me, like, saying, I want to give you permission to feel joy in the midst of all of this heaviness and sorrow and grief. We're going to continue to feel joy and experience joy. Like Matt said, we have a trip to Disneyland planned that we're going to still do, and we're going to feel joy in the midst of sorrow, and we're going to fully embrace that. We're going to continue at whatever timeline it is to record silly, lighthearted videos. Still grieving our baby girl so heavily, but we're still gonna feel joy and we're still going to continue our life and move forward and carry her with us forward in everything we do. So I don't know if you see, like, a silly video or a lighthearted video or, like, what's the point of this video? Know that we're still grieving and we're still full of sorrow, but still welcoming and embracing joy for life post loss. You know, like I said, it feels like there's been, like, a cornerstone in my life now, or like a pre Abby or a post Abby or a BC, an 80, whatever you want to call it. And like, this Abby knows a depth of grief and a depth of sorrow that I didn't know before. But I'm still going to actively welcome joy and light in this new season.
- [70:32]
A
So, yeah, guys, you're so good. You're such a good speaker. I feel like you could do public speaking as your job.
- [70:40]
B
Yeah.
- [70:41]
A
Your words are just so well thought out and you're so articulate and you're very intelligent and I could listen to you speak for days.
- [70:49]
B
The last thing I want to say, though, is that I know you've seen me be tearful and weepy and, I don't know, just like raw and brokenhearted in this episode, in this conversation. But I really hope that, you know, I really feel stronger than ever, even though I'm so brokenhearted. I have just lived my worst case scenario. You know, in a way, I think every woman that has been pregnant can relate to anxiety during your pregnancy. And in a way, my brain would just play out these scenarios of like, what if this happened? What if this happened? And I've always labeled this exact scenario as, like, one of the worst case scenarios. And I always told myself, if that ever happens, I could never. I could never move on. I could never. I couldn't go through that. But here I am. I've gone through it. I've entered the other side of my worst case scenario and I did it. And I truly feel stronger than ever having done it because I survived it. I'm still alive. And we're entering the post miscarriage era, and I just feel like having done something that I deem my worst case scenario definitely wouldn't have chosen it, like there was any way to reverse it. I would love to find a way and not have it, have lived in my worst case scenario. But I am more confident now because of it, because I've overcome something I just never thought I'd be able to overcome. And so, yeah, I never wanted to join this club.
- [72:45]
A
You did it.
- [72:46]
B
But I did it. And I'm still doing it. And I'm still searching for the next right step. And so for anyone at any time, if you're watching this, the day that it gets posted or years later, or however you found yourself on this video, I just hope that, you know, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you're allowed to feel strong again, you're allowed to feel confident again, and they're allowed to feel joy again. And we can do it together because we're never made to do this alone. And I'm just so grateful for all the women and people that have surrounded me with love and support in this time, and I hope in some capacity I can be that for some of y'. All. So.