The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
Episode: Losing my husband to cancer, pregnancy, and remarrying w/ Shay Martin
Date: October 1, 2025
Host(s): Matt & Abby
Guest: Shay Martin
Overview
In this deeply moving episode, Matt and Abby sit down with Shay Martin, widow of Tanner Martin, who lost his battle with stage four colon cancer earlier this year. Shay opens up about their love story, the realities of caregiving, making the decision to have a child during Tanner’s illness, and her journey through grief, faith, and planning for her future—including thoughts on raising her daughter and possibly remarrying. Throughout, Shay shares candid and vulnerable moments, often laced with the same wit and humor that defined Tanner's outlook on life and death.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. Initial Diagnosis and Processing Cancer (00:29 – 15:48)
- Diagnosis Shock: Shay recounts the initial moment Tanner was diagnosed after a colonoscopy revealed a massive tumor. At 25, they assumed it was likely treatable; scans later revealed it was stage 4 and incurable.
- "The doctor comes in and this is when you know something's wrong. He, like, pulls up a chair and he, like, puts his hand on Tanner. He's like, I'm 99% sure that it's cancer.” (00:29, Shay)
- Tanner's Humor: From the beginning, Tanner coped with humor, even asking the oncologist if “stage four people” just get sent home, and bantering with nurses and family. This set the tone for how they handled years of treatment, even making others uncomfortable with death jokes.
- "He seriously joked about dying from the very beginning." (12:14, Shay)
- Medical Realities: Shay provides a candid breakdown of medical visits, the cost of treatment ($3 million billed in one year alone), and the convoluted world of insurance and Medicare.
2. The Love Story and Building a Life (03:01 – 06:27)
- How They Met: Tanner was a Mormon missionary in Mesa, Arizona while Shay was a high school senior. They first met at Shay's family dinner, but only got together years later after connecting as friends on Facebook and a later kiss.
- "Our hangout turned into a makeout, and then we started dating." (04:19, Shay)
- Early Years of Marriage: Both were marriage therapy students, working and studying together:
- "We're really, really good friends. I think that's why we stuck it out through such hard times is because we were such good friends first." (05:54, Shay)
3. Living with Terminal Illness (07:24 – 24:51)
- Hospital Life & Caregiving: Shay balanced a master’s program, full-time work, and nightly hospital visits, sometimes working three jobs to cover living expenses since Tanner couldn’t work.
- Receiving Support and Advice: Early on, they received the advice to "not wait to do things," leading at times to travel and pursuing the life they wanted now, not “when he felt better.”
- "When Tanner died, I had zero regrets about the time that I spent with him." (22:58, Shay)
- Choosing Parenthood Despite Prognosis: Shay and Tanner made the conscious decision to have a child via IVF, knowing Tanner's prognosis. They chose a daughter, with research suggesting children benefit from having the same-gender parent; Shay wanted to give a daughter as much time as possible with Tanner.
- "Everyone has opinions on our choice to have a daughter, have a kid together, but I have no regrets." (23:04, Shay)
- Addressing Internet Criticism: Shay addresses the harsh criticism online about their decision to bring a child into a situation with an expected loss, and her belief in the loving support network for her daughter.
4. The Realities of IVF and Parenthood (29:43 – 34:12)
- Fertility Planning: Their oncologist recommended sperm banking before chemotherapy. Shay shares the unexpectedly comical, awkward logistics of creating embryos.
- "You go into this room, and there's these magazines that are meant to help you... He's like, I couldn't do it there. So we had to go home and do it." (30:28, Shay)
- Embryo Decisions & Afterlife: They ultimately created 12 embryos, had genetic testing, and intentionally selected a girl based on research and personal desires.
- "A daughter growing up without her dad, the statistics are still hard, but same gendered kids typically need their same gendered parents the most." (34:59, Shay)
- Maintaining Connection: Shay pays $85/month to keep the remaining embryos frozen, noting how hard it is for widows to let go of these connections.
5. Pregnancy While Caregiving & Final Stages of Illness (41:28 – 49:51)
- Caregiving While Pregnant: Shay poignantly describes the physical and emotional strain of being Tanner’s primary caregiver while also pregnant, recalling the daily grind of putting on his compression hose and supporting nightly routines.
- "Every day, getting on the ground when I'm pregnant and helping him put on his compression hose...I don't know how, but I did it. That's love." (42:24, Shay)
- Transitioning Care: After their daughter was born, accepting help from family for both Tanner and their newborn was emotionally difficult but necessary.
- Tanner’s Final Days & Humor: Even as his health declined, Tanner retained his humor—insisting on watching Indiana Jones, making jokes, and even praying naked in front of friends.
- “He would go like, like to the air, like he's beating up the Nazis." (49:11, Shay)
6. Facing Death, Grief, and Faith (51:03 – 57:28)
- Faith Challenges & Growth: Shay talks about her struggle and growth in faith, referencing the LDS talk "Faith to Not Be Healed," and finding God present in death.
- “I had that in my mind from the very beginning…do I have faith for Tanner not to be healed?” (51:11, Shay)
- Hiring a Death Doula: Shay explains the role and comfort provided by a death doula, who facilitated paperwork, helped plan the funeral, created opportunities for important conversations, and even led meditative sessions on death.
- "We have a death doula, someone that helps you leave this life." (52:09, Shay)
7. Afterlife, Grieving, and Legacy (56:10 – 81:09)
- Living Funeral & Documenting Tanner’s Life: The death doula suggested a “living funeral,” celebrating Tanner’s life while he was still alive, including the premiere of a filmed life story—activities Shay describes as both healing and joyful.
- Creating Memories for Amy Lou: Tanner left recorded stories, birthday messages, and annual gifts/charm bracelets so Amy Lou will always have tangible reminders of her dad.
- Financial and Community Support: Their GoFundMe wildly surpassed expectations, leading Shay to donate half to scholarships and nonprofits in Tanner’s honor.
- Funeral Wishes: Tanner’s funeral was a party, including Star Wars elements, Navajo tacos, and music mashups orchestrated by Tanner’s loved ones. Over 31,000 people watched the livestream.
- Continuing Bonds: Shay is candid about navigating future relationships, recounting Tanner’s blend of sweet and humorous wishes:
- "You can remarry, but he has to sleep at the foot of the bed like a dog." (76:46, Shay quoting Tanner)
8. Tanner’s Passing & Reflections (66:01 – 76:11)
- Final Moments: Shay recalls Tanner’s last night, describing her intuition that it would be his final hours, his humor about "friggin Nazis" while watching Indiana Jones, and his clear, loving last words to her.
- "Every moment I had, I just said, I love you, I love you, Tanner. And I went over and I just like patted him on his back and I just said. I just said, I love you. And he said, I love you too. Just so clearly. Yeah, my turn. He said, I love you too." (67:26, Shay)
- Family Togetherness: In his last moments, the family and baby Amy Lou surrounded Tanner, affirming his wish they’d care for one another.
- Processing Grief: While the physical departure was agonizing, Shay found immense peace and presence that day, underscoring the comfort of intentional preparation and connection.
Notable Quotes & Moments
-
On living intentionally:
"Don’t wait to fulfill your dreams. Like, do them now with him." (23:04, Shay) -
Tanner’s spirit:
"He loved to make people uncomfortable. Literally. I think that's his favorite thing." (13:14, Shay) -
On public judgments:
"That’s so selfish to bring in a child into the world when you know the parent's going to die. …I have a lot of love to give Amy Lou…we all have a lot of love to give her." (36:23, Shay) -
Coping with loss:
"It's really, really hard to see someone's body just happen, you know, to die like that. …But I try to live my life so intentionally every day now." (57:00, Shay) -
Preparing Amy Lou for the future:
"We have this charm bracelet... every year I have a charm that he chose to give to her." (75:16, Shay) -
On remarrying:
"Goofy Tanner would say, yeah, you can remarry, but he has to sleep at the foot of the bed like a dog." (76:46, Shay) -
On knowing and loving:
"To be known is to be loved." (81:09, Host)
Memorable, Heartfelt Moments (with Timestamps)
- How cancer was diagnosed and communicated. (00:29 – 00:59)
- Tanner’s death announcement video and intent to keep it unedited. (02:16 – 02:42)
- Decision process behind having a child amid terminal illness. (23:04 – 25:34)
- IVF process and laughter amidst the pain. (29:43 – 32:03)
- Shay pushing Tanner in a wheelchair into labor and delivery while pregnant. (41:28 – 41:49)
- Tanner’s final comments (“friggin Nazis”) and humor at the end. (47:36 – 48:17)
- Giving Tanner his final bath and saying goodbye. (67:26 – 74:13)
- The massive turnout for Tanner’s funeral and celebration of life. (60:43 – 61:19)
Timestamps for Important Segments
| Segment | Topic | Timestamp | |------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------|------------------| | Cancer Diagnosis | Shay recounts the discovery and its shock | 00:29 – 00:59 | | Shay & Tanner’s Love Story | First meeting, marriage, and friendship | 03:01 – 05:54 | | Life with Cancer | Navigating hospital life and big financial picture | 07:24 – 11:41 | | Parenthood Decision | IVF, advice, and facing criticism | 23:04 – 25:34 | | IVF/Embryo Logistics | The real process and humor amidst it | 29:43 – 32:03 | | Loss and Letting Go | Shay’s caregiving, birth of Amy Lou, Tanner’s last days | 41:28 – 49:51 | | Faith Struggles & Growth | Facing existential questions and faith | 51:03 – 52:09 | | Death Doula & Living Funeral | Preparation and documenting legacy | 52:09 – 58:20 | | Funeral and Community | Star Wars touches, huge turnout, and GoFundMe | 60:43 – 64:50 | | Final Moments | Shay’s closing reflections and ongoing bond | 66:01 – 76:11 |
Closing
This episode is a testament to the power of love, intentionality, and finding meaning in the midst of unimaginable hardship. Shay’s openness, humor, and resilience—along with Tanner’s enduring spirit—provide hope, inspiration, and a candid look into living and loving fully, even while facing loss.
To follow Shay’s journey and Tanner’s legacy:
Instagram & TikTok: [@tannerandshay] (Referenced at 81:34)
“To be known is to be loved, and it's just so beautiful. I'm gonna think about that for a long time.”
— Host, (81:09)
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