Married Couple Answers Your Relationship Dilemmas (Cheating, Performance Anxiety, & Sleep Divorce)

Summary

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The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby

Episode: Married Couple Answers Your Relationship Dilemmas (Cheating, Performance Anxiety, & Sleep Divorce)
Release Date: February 11, 2026
Hosts: Matt & Abby Howard

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Episode Overview

In this candid and energetic episode, high school sweethearts Matt & Abby dive into listeners' juiciest, funniest, and toughest relationship dilemmas. With a healthy dose of humor and honesty, they tackle a variety of topics—from cheating confessions at bachelorette parties, performance anxiety during pregnancy, to fart-induced sleep divorces—offering unqualified but heartfelt advice shaped by their own decade-long relationship. Throughout, they emphasize choosing each other through hardships and embracing open, gentle communication.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Relationship Struggles are Universal

• Perspective on Hard Times (03:57 – 05:32):
  • Matt reflects on Mel Robbins’ analogy that a relationship is like "two people in a boat," emphasizing the need for balance and perseverance.
  • Quote: “Maybe there’s a unicorn out there that has, like, a perfect relationship… but I think people who act like they don’t have challenges in the relationship are just liars.” — Matt (04:16)
  • Abby notes some couples avoid confrontation, but she advocates for openness despite the hard work involved.
  • “If you experience conflict in your marriage, please don’t think that your marriage has to be over… There’s seasons and waves.” — Abby (04:41)

2. Cheating at a Bachelorette Party: Should You Tell?

• [07:03 – 10:12]
  • A listener reveals her friend cheated on her fiancé at a bachelorette but still got married. Should she tell?
  • Matt and Abby agree honesty before marriage is critical, but after the fact, confronting the friend and expressing disapproval is best.
  • Quote: “The time to say something is before they’re married—100% to your friend, to encourage her to be honest with her fiancé.” — Abby (07:48)
  • “If your friend refuses to confess, you’re well within your rights to step back from the friendship.” — Abby (09:26)

3. Supporting a Partner’s Confidence

• [10:12 – 12:02]
  • Listener says her boyfriend’s confidence issues are giving her "the ick."
  • Matt cites How to Win Friends and Influence People—encourage transformation with positivity: “Lead with the carrot, not the stick.” (10:44)
  • Abby normalizes her feelings but emphasizes actively building up your partner, and Matt jokes that “nothing makes me more confident than getting laid.” (11:57)

4. Tech & Phone Boundaries

• [13:57 – 17:19]
  • Listener’s partner is glued to their phone (“for work”); advice for setting boundaries.
  • Matt suggests creating no-phone time together, using gentle “I statements” rather than blame.
  • Quote: “If you convince someone against their will, they’re of the same opinion still.” — Matt quoting Dave Ramsey (15:15)
  • Abby and Matt banter over their own screen times—Matt sheepishly reveals his Minecraft obsession.

5. Sleep Divorce: Stinky Farts Edition

• [18:37 – 21:22]
  • A hilarious crisis: “My spouse’s farts are so bad, I have to sleep in a different room.”
  • Matt claims it’s genetic, and recounts stories of his family’s “fart pad.”
  • Abby recommends Beano (“You take Beano and there will be no gas!”—21:01), and advocates for eventual co-sleeping again.

6. Performance Anxiety & Pregnancy Intimacy

• [21:40 – 23:39]
  • Listener’s husband is struggling during pregnancy.
  • Abby: “Find new, fun ways to do it… do something totally different.” (22:54)
  • Matt validates the hormonal changes and encourages experimentation to reignite excitement.

7. Intentional Connection When Apart

• [24:02 – 25:54]
  • Listener’s husband is gone 5.5 days/week; how to be intentional?
  • Abby: avoid screens, try conversation starter cards, get creative.
  • Matt reminisces about their creative college dates and underscores thoughtfulness.

8. When You & Your Partner Want to Live in Different States

• [27:53 – 29:36]
  • Matt advocates for scheduling timeframes for moves so both people’s needs are considered; Abby recommends couples counseling for nuanced issues.

9. Mismatched Love Languages: Physical Touch

• [29:46 – 31:47]
  • Abby urges not to equate lack of touch with unattractiveness—“Don’t fill in narratives where they’re not there.” (30:09)
  • Matt suggests open, encouraging talk: “Express that it would mean a lot to you.”

10. Marriage After Living Together

• [32:23 – 32:47]
  • Little will change operationally, says Matt, but marriage does bring deeper commitment.

11. Should Financial Stability Delay Baby #2?

• [33:36 – 36:40]
  • Matt, citing his finance background, suggests saving for 6–12 months first, while Abby balances with the realities of timing and values.
  • Agreement: be very disciplined for a short time to build a nest egg, not pushing off plans indefinitely.

12. In-Laws & Smoking Boundaries

• [37:55 – 40:12]
  • Approaching a mother-in-law about not smoking around kids is tough.
  • Matt: use gentle “I” statements, stress health, and have the partner whose parent it is lead the conversation (40:12).

13. After a Draining Job: How to Recharge

• [41:07 – 43:32]
  • Abby: “Doomscrolling is not relaxing.” (41:07)—advocate for decompressing intentionally (walk, solo time, bath) and set boundaries for self-care and couple connection.
  • Matt likes bathtime together for connection.

14. Pressures Around Marriage Timelines

• [43:33 – 46:00]
  • For couples disagreeing on when to marry, Abby says long dating can sap momentum, so an ultimatum after many years is fair.
  • Quote: “If you’ve been together five years and your partner wants to wait seven more, that can be a red flag.” — Abby (44:41)
  • Encourages mingling with married friends to reduce anxiety.

15. Weddings & Finances: Should Unemployment Delay the Date?

• [46:33 – 47:57]
  • If financial, scale the wedding. But if job loss reflects deeper character issues, reconsider marriage.

16. Creating Romance in Marriage

• [48:06 – 50:47]
  • Matt and Abby joke about Matt’s (sometimes goofy) romantic gestures.
  • Abby reframes romance: “Sometimes you just have to accept each other’s quirks and find the ways your partner shows love.”

17. Making Baby-Making Fun

• [51:32 – 53:59]
  • Advice: introduce lighthearted elements, shake up routine, and ensure there are other fun/meaningful activities on "those" days to keep it from feeling like a chore.

18. Getting Back Together After Breaking Up

• [55:45 – 57:29]
  • Only rekindle if real change has happened—start from scratch and involve wise friends.

19. Waiting for Marriage: How Long Is Too Long?

• [58:17 – 59:52]
  • Matt: “Three years is the max—it’s too much torture!”
  • Abby: Have an “end date;” don’t blame yourself if it’s hard to maintain.

20. Postpartum Roommates: Romance After Baby

• [60:21 – 64:11]
  • Abby normalizes feeling disconnected and “like roommates” at three months postpartum.
  • Quote: “Give yourself grace… this is just a season. Don’t make any big decisions in the first six months postpartum.” — Abby (62:23)
  • Matt: “You’re in the middle of winter, but summer’s coming.” (62:06)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Honesty and Timing: “The time to say something is before they’re married—100% to your friend… You don’t go into a marriage keeping secrets of cheating.” — Abby (07:48)
• On Confidence: “Nothing makes me more confident than getting laid.” — Matt (11:57)
• On Setting Boundaries: “Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still.” — Matt, quoting a Dave Ramsey aphorism (15:15)
• On Parenthood & Postpartum: “It’s like you took a snow globe and shook it all up. You gotta wait for those snowflakes to fall.” — Abby (62:45)
• On Long-Term Dating Before Marriage: “Three years is the max… Your DNA is literally telling you to procreate with this person.” — Matt (58:43)
• On Accepting Each Other: “There’s a couple hills you’re not going to die on with your partner—learn to love those weird things.” — Abby (50:47)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:57]: Mel Robbins on relationship balance
• [07:03]: Cheating before marriage—should you tell?
• [10:12]: Building up a struggling partner’s confidence
• [13:57]: Phone boundaries & screen time debate
• [18:37]: “Sleep divorce” because of farts—advice & Beano!
• [21:40]: Performance anxiety/intimacy during pregnancy
• [24:02]: Intentional connection with a traveling partner
• [27:53]: Navigating moving when only one partner wants to
• [32:23]: Will marriage change things if you live together?
• [33:36]: Should finances delay having another child?
• [37:55]: Setting boundaries with smoking in-laws
• [41:07]: Recharging after a mentally taxing job
• [43:33]: Disagreeing on marriage timing
• [46:33]: Unemployment before the wedding
• [48:06]: Romance in long-term marriages
• [51:32]: Keeping conception fun
• [55:45]: Reuniting after a breakup
• [58:17]: Advice on waiting for marriage
• [60:21]: Navigating postpartum changes in marriage

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Tone and Style

• Warm, open, and playful: The hosts banter and joke, especially around topics like farts or sex, keeping things light while still digging deep.
• Honest and self-aware: They remind listeners: “We are not experts,” blending humor with vulnerability about their own struggles.
• Encouraging and pragmatic: They provide actionable advice while affirming that relationship challenges are entirely normal.

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Final Thoughts

Matt & Abby offer a relatable, laughter-filled dose of perspective on real-life relationship dilemmas, grounded in experience and humility—always reminding listeners to seek professional help for the tough stuff. Perfect for anyone wanting to feel seen, supported, and a little more lighthearted about the messiness of love and family.

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For more, follow The Unplanned Podcast on Instagram and send in your own dilemmas for future episodes.

Transcript

[A]

I will never forget when I first started noticing symptoms of low iron, because I'm pretty sure my mom walked into her house and the first thing she said to me was, abby, what are you doing with your lips? Because she literally thought that I had put concealer all over my lips because I had no color to my face. I basically had no red blood cells functioning in my body. And it made sense when I went to the doctor and had that checked that I was actually even into the anemic zone at this point because I was so, so low on iron and a lot of other symptoms I was having started to make a lot more sense. I was having extreme tiredness, exhaustion, fogginess, headaches. All of this suffering from low iron. What I was surprised to find out though, is that over one in three people worldwide suffer from low iron, but most don't even know it. Iron deficiency can exist even before anemia develops, meaning you may feel symptoms long before anything looks serious.

[B]

Well, Abbey, correct me if I'm wrong, but we had a friend that you noticed wasn't feeling well and you suggested that they take some iron and immediately they were feeling better, right?

[A]

Yeah. The next day she's like, I actually already am feeling different. And then obviously, weeks later is when it really gets into your system and you feel like a whole new person, honestly.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

That's P H A R M A N u t r a-us.com promote promo code unplanned. My friend fully cheated on her fiance at my bachelorette. Do I say anything?

[B]

What is that even like? I've never been to a bachelor party like that.

[A]

My significant other is struggling with confidence right now. Starting to give me the itch. What? Just give him some action.

[B]

Nothing makes me more confident than getting laid.

[A]

That's the man's confidence. My spouse's farts smell so bad I have to sleep in a different room.

[B]

What would you do if, say, I had a farting problem, Baby?

[A]

Let's say you had.

[B]

Hey, guys, real quick, just wanted to thank you for tuning in to another. Another episode of Unplanned. Did want to bring up, though, that most of you are not subscribed to the show. So if you haven't subscribed yet, please do that right now. It's so easy, it's free. While you're at it, if you could leave us review on Apple Podcasts, we'd really appreciate that as well. And we'll be reading review from one of you guys at the end of today's show. Thank you so much. What is up, dudes? Welcome back to Unplanned, your favorite podcast. We are so happy that you guys are here. I think we're bringing back what's up dudes? If I didn't fill you in already.

[A]

Yeah, I found that out like the last episode.

[B]

But guys, today we are answering your.

[A]

I like your shirt, by the way.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[A]

Thank you, Addy, for giving him this shirt for Christmas.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I have one as well, but we decided that when Matt just organically came downstairs in this that I wasn't gonna change, but I'll have to wear mine for an upcoming episode.

[B]

My favorite picture is you slapping your butt cheek right here in your and your blue bikini. That was.

[A]

I taught the kids that move. Yes.

[B]

Okay. But today we are answering your relationship dilemmas that you guys submitted on the Unplanned podcast, Instagram. Thanks to everyone that sent in questions and thanks everyone following the Unplanned podcast Instagram. We got some really, really wild ones, actually.

[A]

So let's just put this friendly reminder out there that this is completely unqualified advice.

[B]

Yes. We are not experts. If you didn't know that, you can't tell by the shirt that I'm wearing. We're just. We're just a couple that loves each other and we've been together for about a decade.

[A]

We've gone through many dilemmas. I guess that gives us a little bit of credentials.

[B]

You know, I heard recently from Mel Robbins is a relationship is like two people in a boat and it's just about, like, keeping the balance. Yeah, keeping the balance and stick it, like, staying together. Like there's going to be times that one of you wants to leave the boat. Like there's going to be times and she talks overboard. Yeah. Because I think I want to say Mel has been married to her husband for a long time. But, like, there's just times you hit in relationships where things get really tough, and it's just you have to choose to work through it and choose to love each other through the tough times. Maybe there's a unicorn out there that has, like, a perfect relationship and they never encounter challenges. But I think that the people that act like they don't have challenges in the relationship are just liars.

[A]

No, I just think there's a certain personality type where, like, maybe they won't bring it up.

[B]

Oh, where is you kind of avoid. Confront that. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's good.

[A]

Yeah. As someone that does bring things up often, that lifestyle honestly sounds kind of nice to me. Like, that sounds like they're taking the high road. But there's probably. It's probably better to be open and honest, but sometimes it's just a lot of work. Gosh dang it. But I did see a video recently. It was a man just saying, like, I feel like it's a balance, right? Like, talking about marriage in a way that is like, okay, let's be real about it. Like, if you experience conflict in your marriage, please don't think that your marriage has to be over. And there's, like, seasons and waves, obviously. But then also, this guy was like, I feel like we're really good at hounding how difficult marriage is. Like, I genuinely, like, love being with my wife. I don't get sick of her. I want to be with her all the time.

[B]

What?

[A]

He's like, other things in life get hard, like our kids, our work, our life, circumstances. But I just, like, genuinely love being with my wife. And I don't understand people that don't or get sick of their spouse. And I'm like, that's a really good message to also.

[B]

That's a good message. I think I really appreciate the, like, negative Nellies, though, because then also, like, when you're in a season of tough things, it Are you. What are you doing with your leg?

[A]

I'm stretching a little bit.

[B]

You're stretching your hip? Your hip out.

[A]

Hips in. My back hurt.

[B]

You got a sore. You got a sore hip right now from the gym. You keep like. I just feel like you're like, I.

[A]

Just don't want to distract you. Continue.

[B]

Anyway, what was I even saying? Yeah, you like negative Nellies. I love the negative Nellies, though, because, like, they make you recognize that life isn't easy and life is hard. And therefore, you know, in your relationship, you're going to encounter hard Life circumstances, and you have to work through them.

[A]

Maybe that's because you're like, internally an optimist. More like that. And then I'm like, no.

[B]

Yeah. When things aren't going right, I'm like, what the heck? Like, it bothers me because it's like I think everything. Expect that I expect for good things to happen. So when bad things happen, I'm like, what's. What the heck's going on here? Yeah. What's wrong?

[A]

Well, all that to say, we are not professionals. But thank you so much for trusting us with your crisis. We have entered many a crisis, you know, and I anticipate many more crises. But maybe that's just because I'm a pessimist. Am I a pessimist?

[B]

We've been through some crazy ups and downs through our time, through the last decade. Gosh, this summer in June will be a decade together, babe.

[A]

Some of these are light though, too. Don't think that this is gonna be, like, the darkest episode ever.

[B]

Today we're talking about death.

[A]

Here's the first one. And I actually pre read this one, and I'm not sure.

[B]

Okay, go for it.

[A]

Where? We should take this advice, but it says, my friend fully cheated on her fiance at my bachelorette, and they went through with the marriage.

[B]

Oh, gosh.

[A]

Do I say anything? O. Okay. My first hang up there. I've never been to a bachelorette.

[B]

You gotta say something. Oh, yeah. What is that even. Like, I've never been to a bachelor party like that.

[A]

My most recent bachelorette party I went to. We stayed at the Airbnb and painted pictures of her fiance. Like, we all had a hit. Like, painted on a.

[B]

My first bachelor party experience was like, my bro, my older brother got home from, like, a mission trip, and we didn't even. I don't even think we drank beer. Like, I think I don't even. It was so tame.

[A]

This girl's bachelorette seemed to be a little bit more crazy, and her friend cheated, and then they went through with the marriage. So now that they're already married.

[B]

Hold up. Does her friend's spouse know? Because that's like.

[A]

It's a no. Because she said, do I say anything?

[B]

Oh, gosh, this is so bad. That's definitely a true story.

[A]

I know this isn't helpful for you, but this should maybe be advice for other people that find themselves in a situation in the future. The time to say something is before they're married. 100 to your friend to encourage her to be honest with her fiance.

[B]

Yeah, I think I think you need to enter into an amer into a marriage with honesty. You don't go in with keeping secrets of cheating.

[A]

No, I think that that would be considered a lie by omission. Like, by not telling him that is a lie. And he's entering into a marriage on lies also, too.

[B]

I'm thinking through this. Like, I've heard of couples where someone, like, cheated long ago early in the relationship, and then it eventually came out.

[A]

And then they get divorced.

[B]

Yeah. So it's like, I think before you marry someone, if you did cheat on them, you need to tell them. Like, that's. That's not. That's not something you're like, I'll conveniently save that for, like, after we get married and then we'll be more stable.

[A]

No, it's like you're building your fat. You're building your found of you guys online.

[B]

I think that's gonna hurt them even more. Like, I think they'd have more respect for you. Like, it's gonna come out at some point. So it's like they would have more respect for you just to say what you did rather than, like, keep that a secret. If that makes sense.

[A]

I would say certainly do not say anything to her husband.

[B]

Gosh.

[A]

Say something.

[B]

Say to the friend first. And if she doesn't say something, then would you say something?

[A]

I don't think so. I feel really not your mess. That's not your mess.

[B]

I would have a sit down conversation with your friend and be like, you.

[A]

Need a very conversation with your friend.

[B]

You need to tell him.

[A]

Yeah. But gosh, if she's like, I'm not gonna tell him.

[B]

How bad is that? The bride cheated on the Bachelor.

[A]

No. Here's what I say. Like, if she's like, I'm not gonna tell him. It's not. No, no, it's not the bride. Oh. Oh, my gosh. Matt's details are confused.

[B]

Some of the details got lost.

[A]

It was a bridesmaid, okay. That cheated on her own fiance, and.

[B]

Then they still got married.

[A]

She's also engaged at the same time. I get it. It's confusing. But say, for instance, that friend's like, I am not gonna tell him, then I think it's probably very fair of you to say, like, I can't be your friend anymore because this isn't something, like, I support. Like, that's really crazy. Also, wow, that wasn't a very good friend move at your bachelorette.

[B]

Yeah, it's your bachelorette. It's not her time to go hook up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With Guys that are not her fiance.

[A]

Or at all, honestly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your time to be with your girlfriend.

[B]

Yeah. And, you know, it really depends on the friends in the friend group.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I don't know. Some friend groups probably do that. Like, there's probably. We never ran around with a friend group that was like, guess who I hooked up with last night? That was never our lived experience. But I'm sure there are friend groups like that.

[A]

Okay, next one. My significant other is struggling with confidence right now. I don't want to make him feel worse, but it's starting to give me the ick. Ooh, what can I do to keep our relationship strong while he's struggling to find his footing again?

[B]

So I've been listening to how to Win Friends and Influence People, and you're gonna get nowhere if you just tell your boyfriend that you're disgusted or that you're bothered by his lack of confidence. The only way you're gonna get what you want is by using encouragement to encourage transformation. And I think it's way more effective and better for everyone to, like, lead with the carrot, not the stick. You don't want to be.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. We introduced carrots.

[B]

Do you know that term? Like, lead with the carrot, not the stick? No, like, leading with the carrot is, like, basically using positive reinforcement. Leading with a stick is negative reinforcement, and I think positive reinforcement wins 9 out of 10 times.

[A]

Well, don't hit him with a stick.

[B]

Basically, don't hit your boyfriend with a stick is what we're trying to say.

[A]

I think this is maybe hard to hear, but if your significant other is struggling with confidence, your feelings are valid. That. That's, like, not. Especially as a woman looking to her man, like, that definitely isn't something that's, like, attractive. That's not an attractive quality. I think ultimately women are attracted to confidence.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

And I've said that for a while.

[B]

I feel like the times you've been least into me when. When I'm not confident in myself. Hey, I was the honest answer. It's true. You literally just said that women are. Women are attracted to confidence.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so that's a valid feeling that you're experiencing. We should say that. But also, it's hard to take yourself out of that equation. But you kind of need to at this point. Like, if he's, like, struggling, like, take yourself out and, like, your job is to build your partner up, and obviously, that doesn't all fall on you, but, like, you're both mutually supposed to be doing that, and so find a way to encourage, do things to build his confidence.

[B]

Find things that he's doing that are boosting his conf. What?

[A]

Just give him some action.

[B]

Nothing makes me more confident than getting laid.

[A]

That can build a man's confidence.

[B]

Yeah, it really does.

[A]

No, but then also, I think resources too, like encourage a mentor or hanging out with your friends. Even. Even resources. Like there's podcasts.

[B]

Wait, why is that? Why is that the biggest confidence booster for me? I don't know. Why?

[A]

I don't know. It's worked for you in the past.

[B]

Yep, it does.

[A]

It definitely helps. It's not gonna solve a problem.

[B]

I know. It solves all my problems.

[A]

Honestly, it doesn't solve it.

[B]

Yeah, it does.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

This one says, my partner is always on their phone on their day off. Oh, how do we set a boundary when most of the time it's for work? She put work in quotes.

[B]

That's tricky. I think you just need to create, like a no phone time. And I think you abide by that rule too. Maybe you can just come to them in a kind way. Right? Like if you're com. If you're going in with anger, if you're going in with all this frustration with them, it's not going to. You're not going to get the result that you want. You're not going to get the change you want. But if you go in and be like, hey, I love you so much and I want to connect with you on a deeper level. And so I think it'd be good if maybe on your days off, we have, you know, no screens, no phones, time together, we can just talk, we can go on a walk, we can play cards, we could do whatever. And I just want it to be time to focus in on relationship because I care about you so much. And then now you just got what you wanted without creating a fight.

[A]

I love how you said that using I statements, because I think that's really important going into this. Instead of being like, you're always on your phone, blah, blah, blah. Like, instead of. That automatically puts them on the defense. Whereas, like, if you go in, you're like, I want to hang out with you. Like, I. I craving time with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think that they'll be more responsive to that.

[B]

Like, I've been listening to some Dave Ramsey and a quote that he said, which I don't think he came up with this himself, but it's. It's something along the lines of those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still.

[A]

I thought that was like Thomas Jefferson.

[B]

Yeah. Dave quoted some other dude. I don't. I forget who it was. Or maybe it was a woman. You know, there's.

[A]

Maybe it was like the same opin and still. Yeah.

[B]

Like, yeah, yeah. Like, so if you convince someone, like, you got to do have different phone usage and they're like, begrudgingly agreeing with you and like, they're. They're going to have a grudge.

[A]

They're going maybe lead by example, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. This is becoming more and more of an issue, and that's why they created a product. I think it's called the Brick. And I was literally telling Matt about this. I don't fully understand it, but you like, stick something on your phone, and it, like, makes your phone, like, not have the fun qualities.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the addictive qualities. Like. Like, you could brick it on your day off. You could brick it, like, during. Like, the times that your kids are away.

[B]

Brick it. Just brick it.

[A]

And then I was like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. And I was like, no, I think that's kind of cool.

[B]

I'm looking at my screen time right now because I'm actually so curious what it is.

[A]

Okay. This is even fair because you've been playing so much Minecraft.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that's why you want to pull it up right now. You're like, oh, my. Gonna look great because I'm spending it all on this.

[B]

Okay. I'm sorry. My brothers and I like to play Minecraft.

[A]

You've been playing independently, and that's why I had to set that boundary for.

[B]

You every once in a while. I like to do a little Minecraft on my own. Okay. I have a farm going.

[A]

I've said to do it.

[B]

I wish you a cow farm. And carrots. There's carrots.

[A]

Have you been doing it independently?

[B]

I think I might have snuck in in the past week. Maybe an hour or two of independent play. See, I apologize.

[A]

Probably too far.

[B]

Here's the thing, babe, and I don't want to. I don't want to start an argument, but I think my screen time, including Minecraft, is lower than yours. Boom. Sorry, that probably. That's not the way to see. I should have introduced that in a completely different way.

[A]

I don't even think that's necessarily true.

[B]

I wish I was funnier. Here's the thing. Like, if I was funnier, if I could get you to laugh right now, I feel like it would just make, like, anytime we have a conflict. If I could just make you laugh, I think that would solve 99% of our problems. My brother, when my mom would get on my brother, we were kids, he would make my mom laugh, and she would, like, forget she was mad, and I could never do it. Like, I would say something stupid, and my mom would get, like, extra mad at me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So maybe I need to take some comedy classes. Can I say my screen time? Actually go to my phone. So my screen time, this is from the past week. My daily average is 6 hours, 48 minutes, which. That's actually. That's higher than I thought. But then I realized, oh, I work on my phone, so Google on my phone and my computer. So Chrome is an hour and 36 minutes. This is like my daily average, I guess. And I think that's chatbots messages is.

[A]

You spend an hour on chat. Dbt.

[B]

Oh yeah, I'm talking to chat all day long messages. I spend an hour and a half messaging people. I spend an hour and 20 minutes on FaceTime. And that's usually like with. With our editor reviewing TikToks, going out, YouTube videos, podcast stuff. Screen sharing is an hour and six minutes of that FaceTime call amount. Or maybe is that in addition, AM I spending 2 hours and 26 minutes a day on FaceTime with our team? Probably, actually, yeah, probably. But yeah. And then I spend an hour a day writing stuff in my notes folder. So I spend an hour writing in my notes. Isn't that crazy?

[A]

Or at least your notes just pulled up. At least.

[B]

Yeah, just like writing the stuff.

[A]

Matt, thank you for sharing that.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

Very proud of you. This next one is funny and I feel like it's personal, basically.

[B]

I just, My screen time is my working, I would say.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Because you've been playing a lot of Minecraft.

[B]

Oh, that's true. Yeah, I do probably. I probably play an hour of Minecraft every day right now, minimum, with my brothers, with my brother.

[A]

My spouse's farts smell so that I have to sleep in a different room. What do I do? Oh, wow, that sounds.

[B]

That's awful. If they're, if they're really stinky. I mean, you, you might need to have some boundaries, you know? What would you do if I, if, if say I had a farting problem today? What would you do about.

[A]

Let's say you have hypothetical situation. Matt Howard has a farting problem.

[B]

Hmm. Oh, my God.

[A]

I feel like for me, there's certain times of day where I'm like, a fart is acceptable and there's certain times where I'm like, not acceptable.

[B]

See, every time I fart in front of the kids, they laugh so hard and I love, like, it's actually making me want to fart more. If anything, it just, it gives them a little chuckle.

[A]

But I don't like your.

[B]

I don't like your. I go far tooted. And they both, they both love it.

[A]

So much and they're participating as well.

[B]

And what's funny, babe, is I just did a brother trip with my dad and my. Both my brothers. Everybody was farting so much.

[A]

This is genetic.

[B]

It's genetic. It's from my dad and, and my. Both my brothers got it. I don't understand.

[A]

I've heard, I've heard All of the men in your family fart many times, and it is so scary. But I will say, if we're going to really go there, yours really don't tend to smell that bad. Except for in the car. I hate when you do it in the car.

[B]

Here. And there we go. It's. They're. They're not stinky.

[A]

If they smell so bad that you have to sleep in a different room, I would say the goal is to sleep in the same room. So maybe.

[B]

Did you know my dad installed a fart pad in his.

[A]

I know, I know, I know. I didn't think.

[B]

Guys, it's such a genetic thing. My dad literally put a pad underneath his seat or on his seat.

[A]

It can't work.

[B]

To help absorb. Absorb them.

[A]

Every time I drive your dad's car.

[B]

I don't like sitting on his fart pad. I move that thing. I can't believe that thing going public. Sorry, dad.

[A]

Something that should not.

[B]

He would. Hey, if we talked about it, he would be proud. He would talk about his fart pad on the podcast. For sure.

[A]

He would. I feel.

[B]

Yeah, we gotta bring. Should we bring my parents back? Let me know in the comments if you guys would consider John and Teresa back. If you guys want John and Teresa come back on the pod, let us know.

[A]

So what I would say is, gosh, okay, it seems really important that you find a way to eventually get back in the same room. So maybe suggest Beano.

[B]

What is Beano?

[A]

You take Beano and there will be no gas.

[B]

That's an actual thing you can take for farts.

[A]

Get it from cvs, Walmart.

[B]

You're pulling my leg right now.

[A]

No.

[B]

Be. No. What type of. Please, what type of name is Beano?

[A]

It's the name of it. It's memorable.

[B]

How do you spell?

[A]

Then maybe try nose plug for you.

[B]

Because, yeah, it's real. B, E, a, N, O. Spelled like bean. Like a bean.

[A]

I have a couple friends that take that.

[B]

Maybe I just need to buy this for me, my dad and my brother.

[A]

I always say take medicine.

[B]

You're right. Honestly, I think it'd be helpful.

[A]

It's so crazy. We need to stop talking about this. Maybe don't want to hear about this.

[B]

I'll start taking BE no, guys. And then we won't have to talk about this.

[A]

That would be my advice. Okay. Okay. My husband is experiencing performance anxiety slash low libido now that I'm pregnant.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Any advice?

[B]

I would not take it personally.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Like if he's dealing with that, he could be depressed. Depression makes your libido go down. But I could see how that would be hurtful though, right? Am I right?

[A]

Well, it seems like she is thinking. At least she believes that it's fully because that she. She's pregnant.

[B]

Ah, okay.

[A]

So do you have any advice?

[B]

Sorry, I just added Beano to our Amazon cart and I'm making. I'm purchasing right now. I'm using the. The buy now feature.

[A]

I feel like this is probably a common thing. There's just a. Like, it's. It's like you're loving a whole new person. Like, it's. It's different. Especially the more the pregnancy progresses, things change in your sex life. I feel like people don't talk about that, but, like, things change. They have to change.

[B]

For some women, it makes them want to do it more. Some women, it makes them want to do it less.

[A]

It's a hormone change.

[B]

Y. So it's like you're dealing with new hormones, Your body's changing drastically.

[A]

Things don't feel the same.

[B]

And honestly, like, maybe for him, he's just, like, getting used to this new version of you. And I think, you know, letting him get used to that is fine. Obviously, I think it would be, like, crappy of him to say negative things about you like that. That should not be the case. He should only be encouraging you and loving you through all that change.

[A]

My suggestion would be to find new, fun ways to do it.

[B]

Oh, find new ways to do it.

[A]

Like, feel separate. Like, say whatever you do normally, like, you do something totally different.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

When you're pregnant. Is that bad advice?

[B]

No, it's good advice.

[A]

Then it feels like, okay, we're not.

[B]

Trying to do this.

[A]

We're not trying to get to our sex life that we had before. Things are different now, so let's do something different. And then it feels like you don't have that, like, expectation of what it's supposed to look like.

[B]

Yeah, and new positions are fun too. Like, you don't doing it. Doing something different. We're getting too into. I think you have to though, like, the same positions are going to work. I mean, at least.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I can be maybe more exciting for him. And, like, that might affect his libido. And also.

[B]

Wait, that's actually really good advice. Like, when it comes to intimacy. Tell him you want to try out a new position with him. That'll get him excited.

[A]

I think that would be fun.

[B]

That's actually really good advice. I'm glad we were able to get there.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, you're smart. You should be a therapist.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

You'd be great. You would be. You should, Abby. You would. You're so freaking smart. You would get your degree. You'd get all A's in the therapy classes. Come on. Come on now. If you really want to be a therapist.

[A]

I have too many of my own problems.

[B]

If you wanted to be a therapist, you would be an incredible therapist.

[A]

Thank you, honey. My husband's job requires us to be apart five and a half days of the week.

[B]

Gosh.

[A]

Any date night suggestions for intentional connection? I have one.

[B]

I was gonna suggest that they sexed each other. Is that bad?

[A]

My gosh, Matt, you can't give only sex advice.

[B]

But that's like, if they're away for six, they're almost away six years.

[A]

I'm sure they're already doing that. Okay.

[B]

They're probably already doing that.

[A]

I think if you're, like, looking for intentional connection, it doesn't really matter exactly what you're doing. If you're going to dinner, if you're going for a drive, if you're, like, I'd say, probably avoid screens at this point. Like, if you're together only a day and a half out of the week, probably my best suggestion is not to watch something because that's not going to be intentional connection. There's decks of cards you can get that have, like, intentional conversation starters that sound so cheesy, but I swear, once you get to a good one that, like, sparks a conversation, you won't be looking at the cards anymore.

[B]

Even though, like, I think, like, we're together all the time. I even like those a lot. I like doing those. I'll pull them up.

[A]

I also think you have a unique opportunity to be, like, extremely intentional because you do only have a day and a half, so. And I think that the dates that I remember the most for us are the ones that are, like, the most planned out in the sense that, like, it's set apart from a regular date night than just, like, going out to eat. One time we went to, like, a painting class. Something that's, like, different from what you normally do is something you're gonna remember more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's not because you need to have, like, this big budget or do something crazy every time, but just something that's slightly different than tip than, like, normal.

[B]

Our creative dates in college, we were newlyweds. Were the funnest thing ever. Like, on Valentine's Day, I walked in the door and you had, like, sprinkled hearts all over our living room. You made A little. You made like a fort out of our couch and some chairs and a blanket. I think you even like, like, made a. Yeah, we, that's a vlog that's on our YouTube channel because I think you vlogged that too. But that just made me feel so special. And it was an at home date. It was so cheap. You made pizza from scratch. Like. Yeah. I think you can just like switch things up and, and do that. Like if, if we watched your basketball.

[A]

Game one time, I made like a whole basketball themed date.

[B]

Yeah. And if, like, if you're balling on a budget, like, at home dates can be so much fun.

[A]

Yes. But all that to say make it separate from what you normally do. If you want it to be like, it kind of just jogs you out of the typical. And so it keeps it fresh and fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you, Nutrafol, for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. I am currently in a stage where I'm trying to grow my hair out and I feel like a lot of the women I talk to now kind of go through these same changes together. You get an urge to chop your hair and then you got to spend the next several months growing it back out. But I think it's good to do this because then you're growing out healthier hair, especially if you are supplementing with Nutrafol. And that's the thing. Real change doesn't come from some big flashy moment. It comes from the routines you commit to every day. It's the small things you do every day that quietly add up over time. And that's the idea behind Nutrafol. It's built around a simple, consistent approach to hair health that works from within and delivers visible results over time, not overnight.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping. When you go to NutraFool.com and enter promo code UnplannedPod, that's NutraFool.com spelled N U T R A F O L.com promo code Unplanned Pod. My husband won't move from our home state because he doesn't want to leave his family. Help.

[B]

That's so tough because I can totally see both sides of that.

[A]

I guess this one is a little hard because it's like, what's your motivation for wanting to move? Other than I have to just assume she just wants change.

[B]

I think it's important that you establish a time that you are going to move. Maybe your husband values his home state so much that you agree that in the next decade you only get two years away or something like, because I think you can't just, just. I think it's wrong to completely ignore someone in that scenario because I can feel myself on the side of wanting to move. Like, we moved out of Missouri to Hawaii. That was originally the idea that I suggested and you agreed. And you, you got excited too. But it wasn't like, more so than you. Since I didn't grow up traveling nearly as much as you grew up traveling, the idea of being, like, at the beach on an island was just the craziest, like, dream I could ever even imagine. Especially after we visited there for a week and had like, the time of our lives and I got to go surf and, you know, and we went on so many cool hikes.

[A]

You know, I feel like I can't actually give advice on this one because it's so nuanced. Like, there's so many things to this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like you should probably seek an individual, like, marriage counselor, I think.

[B]

You should go to. That's actually a great answer, honestly, for all of these. Like, I think if a situation you're in, definitely go talk to an actual expert. You need somebody that really knows what they're doing. But. But yeah, I think that you can't just completely ignore either your feelings or his feelings. You can't just plainly choose someone's side. Like, something that I've appreciated is like, Abby knows how much I loved living in Hawaii. So she's always, like, jokingly, but kind of seriously said, like, hey, you know, maybe that's where we move to when we're empty nesters or whatever. And like, that makes me feel so good knowing that, like, she's considering my wants, my desires. I think you just need to both do that for Each other.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, yes, Matt. 20 years from that 20 years. My husband's love language is not physical touch, which makes me feel unattractive. Any advice?

[B]

I don't even know what to say because I'm. I feel like that is my love language.

[A]

You're kind of making some assumptions here. Is what it feels like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like he's not touching me all the time, so he thinks I'm ugly. I don't think that those two things.

[B]

Naturally, I don't think that makes click together because they're like, your brother clearly loves your sister in law, but he's not a physical touch guy. He would never be like, oh, babe, come here.

[A]

Don't fill in narratives where there aren't. When they're. Where they're not there.

[B]

You probably hate your guts. It's like, well, we're good.

[A]

No, that's what we're saying is like, he probably loves you. What is like messing with me. Okay, stop messing with me. I know he doesn't like me.

[B]

This is so funny. I love that you're over here listening in.

[A]

Hello. Everyone's way of showing affection is different. So I'm just saying, like, basically don't make that assumption.

[B]

Yeah. I would say you can't take this one personally. Has nothing to do with you. I think it's just he probably expresses his love in different ways. And if that's something that is a true issue for you, I think you should consider either talking about that openly through a mentor, through, you know, especially a therapist. I don't know, I thought you could.

[A]

Just tell your husband, like, I like to cuddle more or like, let's walk.

[B]

Maybe it's that simple. Like, maybe I'm making this way too complicated. Maybe it's just really that simple. Hey, I really want to.

[A]

I wonder if you have asked him, like, hey, I would love to hold hands.

[B]

Are these all husbands and wives? It's mainly husbands and wives. Yeah. I think you should just express that to them. Like, hey, it means a lot to me when we do this.

[A]

And like when you hold hands. Yeah. And I feel cuddle on the couch.

[B]

I feel loved when we. Or I feel loved when you. And use it to encourage him. Like find something they're doing right and encourage the crap out of that. Like, maybe he's playing with your hair nonchalantly when you're on the couch together. But he's not. Like, really?

[A]

Well, it sounds like this guy doesn't do that.

[B]

I don't know. I'm just Trying to think of, like, if there's any inkling of anything he's doing right. Praise the crap out of him for the things he's doing right. Because it's gonna encourage me to do more of that.

[A]

Yeah. But also, like, I think, look internally, like, if your husband is fully responsible for you feeling beautiful or not, like, obviously your spouse does play a big role in that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But also, like, on yourself. Just be like, okay, I know. Like, you can know in your heart that he finds you attractive. He married you, for heaven's sakes. Like, he spends all this time with you X, Y and Z. There's a lot of reasons you can think, like, I don't need to assume that I'm unattractive, but I just do think you can have an easy, open conversation. Like, I preferred, like, if we're walking together, like, let's hold hands. Yeah, I would love to hug some more. Or throughout the day, like, I feel like you could have an open conversation. And I feel like any decent man would gladly try to accommodate that for you. I've been with my boyfriend for six years and we live together. What will actually change when we get married?

[B]

Honestly, not a lot, really. Like, am I wrong saying that?

[A]

I don't know, we never lived together before.

[B]

What really changes is a legal document. But I think, think maybe in addition to that legal document, it's like this massive commitment that you both have formally taken. So it probably, like, probably more secure.

[A]

I kind of laughed when you said it, but it is true. I don't think much will change when you get married. So get married.

[B]

I wish that we would have gotten married sooner. Is that bad to say no, if we would have said that before. I don't know. I think it could have been more fun, like, if. I know this is like wild.

[A]

If you would have said, I wish we would have gotten married later.

[B]

I definitely think we should have gotten married this summer. We got engaged. Seriously, Like, I just got married. I think it would have made my life better. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

[A]

And then we would have been one more year married.

[B]

I love my college roommates, but, like, I would totally take a year with you. Over a year with them. Is that bad? They just came and I love you, Garrett and Brendan.

[A]

You just hurt their feelings.

[B]

I love my wife more.

[A]

Your day to day life won't change, but overall, like, it's a bit. It is a big, significant life change. But since you are already living together, that big change has probably already happened for the most part. My partner and I have been trying to decide to have baby number two, but we aren't financially stable. Should we hold off?

[B]

Yeah, I would. Oh, I think if you're already pregnant or if you get pregnant by surprise, I think it's gonna be okay. I think you'll figure it out. I think it's just because you don't really have an option at that point. It forces your hand. But I think if you're trying to decide, maybe take six to 12 months to, like, really hustle, like, both of you, maybe it's taking on a second job. Maybe it's doing a side hustle that, you know, like finding a way that you can create a nest egg for that rainy day. Because a rainy day will come. I'm a nerd. I went to school for finance before I dropped out to make TikToks. So I just think that it's smarter to wait until you have some sort of safety net.

[A]

Can I be a devil's advocate?

[B]

Go for it.

[A]

Okay, so you have kids in the house for 18 years on average.

[B]

For context, though, we did wait till we were financially stable to have kids. Kids.

[A]

Yes, we did. But let me say this too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If we would have gotten pregnant, it would have been fine.

[B]

True.

[A]

And I think family planning, like having, like. I value having a family and starting a family so much that I almost place it above the financials in a way.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Where it's like, okay, depends on.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Depends on. Okay, so if you're 40 years old and time's running out to have a kid, have the kid. If finances are tough, you'll figure it out.

[A]

There's a time and a place to put that.

[B]

But if you're. But if you're 22 and just married or like, let's say 25, that's more typical age. You got another 15 years of. Of like, of time. So maybe take a year to get your finances on track.

[A]

Something else I would say, though, is that, like. Okay, what I was saying is you're a parent for 18. You have kids in the house for 18 years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Per child. You know what I mean? Your financial stability is not guaranteed if you're financially stable. When you have a kid 16 years from then, you're not. You're not guaranteed. There's so many. How many times.

[B]

But if you follow. If you follow Dave Ramsey's baby steps, which I like. I'm kind of. I'm low key. Kind of like a closeted Dave Ramsey fan. Like, I was actually closeted at all. I Was so excited to meet him when we met him because I like, I read his book when we were in college.

[A]

I feel like you're pretty open about that.

[B]

Okay, whatever. I love, I love Dave. He's a great, great advice.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. I would say maybe wait, give it max 12 months and be really, really, really like discipline.

[B]

Why max 12 months? I was thinking minimum 12 months.

[A]

I think that's crazy to think a minimum of pushing it off a year. I think that's crazy.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I would say be very, very, very disciplined for a short amount of time.

[B]

Like a year.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But very disciplined to expedite that process as much as possible.

[B]

And it's gonna be a hard year, but I think you'll feel, think about the feeling that you will have in a year when you have that nest egg, that emergency fund.

[A]

Yeah. That will provide a lot of peace.

[B]

A lot of peace. And then you're not using debt to pay your bills. You're not using, you're not going to debt.

[A]

I think that's really good advice because.

[B]

Debt is going to stress you out. It's going to take off years of your life. Like, you don't need that in your life.

[A]

My best advice though would be to be very rigorous for a short amount of time rather than just like, we'll be kind of disciplined and then put like for a longer amount of time. But like be, be rigorous and brutal for a short amount of time. If you're like trying to like, like go for baby number two. Seriously though, this is what's holding you back.

[B]

And it's not, it's not a big deal that you haven't read it, but I think every couple that is getting married should read Total Money Makeover by David Dave Ramsey or a similar financial book. Some sort of like personal finance book needs to be read by couples making a, like a long term.

[A]

I feel like you should probably do a Ramsey one because it's just most black and white.

[B]

Yeah. I think Dave and J. Rams even says this in his book. It's like, it's just, it's your grandma's advice. Like he didn't reinvent all this stuff. It's not something that he came up with. Like, it's pretty simple advice that people look over because in today's capitalist economy, we are marketed and sold so much to get us to spend more, to make the hyper wealthy rich people even richer. Like people just fall into these traps and, and the poor get poorer and the rich get richer. So it's like, like read a book about personal finance and it will change your life.

[A]

That's good advice. Yeah, Matt probably has good advice. I just like also think a baby is a bigger decision.

[B]

Yeah. But if you're, if you're 25 and you wait till you're 26 to have.

[A]

The baby, there's other factors that involve time. Okay. This one is really tough. My mother in law smokes and my husband and I are struggling on how to communicate with her that we absolutely do not want smoking around the kids. Thoughts?

[B]

I would just tell her, but you know, tell her in a way that's not offensive to her. Make sure that she knows that you, you guys love her. Make sure she knows that you know, you want to be around her and you want to spend a lot of time with her. You can blame on yourself. You can, you can say, hey, I'm just very worried about our kids health and them being exposed to things like drinking, smoking. And I just would really appreciate if just around the kids you don't do that. Yeah, it's not a big ask.

[A]

No. But I think it might be because think about it. If this guy was raised. Okay, it says my mother in law. So I'm guessing this is a w. I'm assuming that this is a wife writing in and so say that her husband has this conversation with his mom and say she was also a smoker when she was raising him. It's kind of like saying the way you raised me. I also don't, you know, there's, it's heavier than that. You know what I mean? But I do think you're right to not want that around your kid. Obviously we know secondhand smoke now has, has a very direct impact on. Because you can make the. That is a very direct impact on your kid being around them. I think you had really good advice of saying like we want our ultimate goal is that our kid is with you a lot. Like we love you and we want our kid to have a really good relationship with you. I think a line that I like to use a lot is like our number one job is to keep our kids safe.

[B]

And using I statements. When you're talking about everything, talk about yourself. Don't go in saying you, you, you, you, you say I, I, I, I.

[A]

I. I'm assuming that parent to parent, hopefully she can understand. Like your number one job is to keep your kids safe. And there are direct risks with secondhand smoke. And so if you just sit down and have that like hard conversation and I think you should also like preface it like don't Just randomly say this one day, like when you're picking your kid up, like, that's not the time to say it. The time to say it is like, hey, can we hop on a phone call? And not when you have like a time for your kid. That's like your kid's about to be dropped off at their house. Like, that's not the time to do it. Do it like, you know, at a gap in between. It's like, hey, can we hop on a call? I kind of have some. Something that I want. I want to make sure I say it right. So I want to say it over the phone just so she knows already. She comes prepared and she's not blindsided and gets defensive. She already knows that something a little bit more sensitive is going to be talked about. And then I think that that would also just like, prepare her to go in, like, with like, I don't know, some maturity into the conversation. And then, yeah, I think that's also a conversation probably for your. Certainly for your husband to have, not for you to have with your mother.

[B]

Yeah, that's the rule that we go by. So if there's ever anything that we need to communicate to Abby's parents or my parents, whoever's kid it is is the person that talks to them.

[A]

Don't miss Jay Shetty's new Audible original series, Messy Love Difficult Conversations for deeper connection. Join Jay as he guides three couples toward a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationship. This isn't about achieving perfect love. It's about practice love. In each episode, Shetty invites us into coaching sessions behind closed doors with couples navigating the complicated terrain of modern relationships.

[B]

You'll witness raw moments of vulnerability as they work through resentment, broken trust, and generational patterns. No script, no filters, and no certainty of the outcome. Through these intimate sessions, Jay shares tools you can use to communicate with clarity and compassion. Break painful cycles of blame and withdrawal. Create emotional safety and rebuild trust. Turn daily moments into rituals of appreciation.

[A]

Emotional and inspirational at moments, even transformational. This is messy love. Listen to Jay Shetty's new Audible original series, Messy Difficult Conversations for deeper connection. Go to audible.commessylove to start listening. Today I work in behavioral therapy, and while I love what I do, when I get home, I'm mentally drained and never in the mood. She did with a lot of O's. I'm just so tired and I want to doom scroll and relax. Any advice? What I would say is doom scrolling is not relaxing you, for one. We can look to research and know that that's not making you feel relaxed. If you feel the need to relax and kind of decompress after a really heavy, mentally draining job, do that. Take that time, but make it intentional so then you can show up then in your marriage and your family, in your household, like, actually refreshed. And it might also affect your mood with a lot of. You know what I mean? So, like, I would say maybe that's just sitting in your car.

[B]

Take a bath or shower together.

[A]

That's a great advice. Take a bath together.

[B]

Just talk. I love talking with you in the shower.

[A]

Maybe she needs to be alone, too. Maybe take a bath by yourself.

[B]

Dang it. We were doing so we took baths and showers together for so many days in a row, and then we got in a bad habit of not doing that. What happened?

[A]

What a bad habit.

[B]

Why do we do that?

[A]

Maybe she needs to be alone, though.

[B]

I seriously felt so much more connected to you. It's like we just had the most candidates fun conversations, and we both have no clothes on.

[A]

That is good advice, but maybe you also need to take a bath by yourself. Maybe you just need to sit in.

[B]

Your car and there's important time and.

[A]

Drink a fun drink by yourself and listen to music. But, like, don't sit there and scroll. So then you can, like, actually take a deep breath and then, you know, show up differently. Go on a walk, breathe some fresh air. Do a couple things that, like, they don't even have to be long. Take five to ten minutes to yourself or say, like, maybe one day is particularly hard. You're like, I need, like, a good 30 minutes. I need an hour. I need to, like, go get my favorite drink and just listen to a podcast in the car. But I think that if you take that time intentionally and also set a limit on it and then check in, like, do I need a little extra time or do I feel better now? Like, that will help you. And so the evening doesn't just get away from you and you're not just, like, scrolling into oblivion, and then your evening just seems to be, like, used.

[B]

Unintentionally recently for me, that's been going on runs. You're really good at doing that. You either take a bath or you journal.

[A]

I'm not good at running. Let's just put that out there.

[B]

No, you're really good at taking baths and journaling.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

[B]

Whenever you're stressed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that's a really healthy thing to do.

[A]

Thank you. That's really nice. My high school sweetheart and I have been dating for five years, and I want to get married at 23. He wants to wait until we're closer to 30. I told him we can compromise, but we just can't seem to agree.

[B]

Yeah, I think you need to compromise. I think, like, if you're ready now and he's not till he's 30, like, it's wrong for you just to say, we're doing. We're doing it now, or it's never. Like, I think that would be aggressive, but I. I think it'd be aggressive to just be like, all right, I have to wait on him till he's 30. I think you guys need to figure it out.

[A]

I don't know. They've been together for five years.

[B]

I think you give him an ultimatum.

[A]

Yeah. That you just said, don't be aggressive. It's now.

[B]

No, but, like, now as in, like, we need to go do a courthouse wedding. Like, maybe it's what she's saying.

[A]

It seems like she literally wants to just at least get engaged.

[B]

It might be. It might be an ultimatum of, like, hey, if I'm not engaged within the next year, year and a half, like, I'm moving on. And I. And I love you, and I want this to work, but, like, I have enough respect for myself, and I know that I want to be married that, like, if you can't figure out yourself in the next 18 months, I'm gonna have to move on. And it's not personal. It's just.

[A]

Yeah, this does feel a little wrong that he wants to wait seven years, because that's putting you at 12 years of dating.

[B]

And look like. We've talked to Arthur Brooks, expert.

[A]

That is 12 years of dating.

[B]

Arthur Brooks is a. Is a Harvard professor, an expert that we had on the podcast, and he talked about how when you're. Or was it. Was it him or somebody else that talked about how your brain isn't fully developed until you're 25. So the marriages that happen at 25 and later. I think he was the one that said that, yeah, 25 and later, that age for getting married, you're less likely to divorce.

[A]

I know, but I think that doesn't. I think there's something that happens if you date for, like, a really extended amount of time. And I would consider five years is, like, already pretty long.

[B]

Say 18 months.

[A]

I would say, here's. Let's have grace for this guy. Maybe he had a really poor example of marriage growing up, and so he's like, I don't want to get married until, like, XYZ because for him, marriage looked like constant conflict. It looked like resentment. Like, I don't know, it could look like a. Or divorce.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, it could look a lot of different ways. But also, he is responsible for, you know, kind of rewriting this is what marriage can look like for us. And so, yeah, I do think an ultimatum is kind of fair. I wouldn't say normally, like, if you're like, I'm 23 and I want to get married, but, like, you have been dating for five years, so that kind of makes it a little different. I would definitely find married couple friends, if you can, to be friends with, and that could probably ease some of his concerns and, like, fears.

[B]

Yeah. I think when I was, like, worried about having kids, but we were living in Hawaii and around a lot of young families that just went to the beach with their families all day.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They got me so excited. I was like, I can't wait to take my kids to the beach. And just, like, you know, it made fatherhood seem so fun.

[A]

That's sweet. Yeah. I do think you should surround yourself with other married people, which can be hard when you're young, but it is possible. That would also probably help. But I do think it's fair to have a really serious conversation about that if it's something that you want. My fiance has been unemployed for two months now, and we're supposed to get married in August. Should we postpone the wedding?

[B]

I don't think so. I don't. Unless there's financial concerns that are more than just that. I think job losses is something that happens. I mean, I guess the question I would ask is, are you paying for the wedding? Because if. If you're the ones paying for the wedding and it's not, like, your parents or one of your parents, then maybe that's going to really affect things financially for you, and maybe you make some changes to where the wedding isn't as expensive if it's coming out of your pocket. Right.

[A]

Well, I have some deeper questions.

[B]

Yeah, go for it.

[A]

Are you wondering if you should postpone the wedding because you're purely, singularly worried about funding the wedding itself, or are you noticing something in your partner that is kind of a red flag for, like, the future of your life together? Meaning, like, did he lose his job because he was not on time all the time and he wasn't doing his job well because he was being lazy or he was. There was other concerns there. And in this time that he's unemployed, is he being very diligent? And hard working about finding it. Or was it like, something that's like, oh, he lost his job just because the job made cuts and he's having a hard time, like, finding something, but he's applying constantly. He works really hard. Or is it more of, like, you're just noticing some concerns in your person that you're gonna be married to?

[B]

That's the first question I would ask, is, why did he lose the job? I think that makes a huge difference.

[A]

A lot.

[B]

It does happen a lot. But if he lost the job because of something like that, that is not good. You don't want to be this moral.

[A]

Character for the rest of his life.

[B]

Like, if it's about his. If he lost his job because of his moral character. Oh, yeah. Maybe it's. Maybe you really do reconsider, you know, this wedding. Right.

[A]

The only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he's not romantic enough. Any advice?

[B]

Well, I'm pretty romantic, so you could probably give people some tips.

[A]

I will say that. I would say you are pretty romantic.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

Yeah, you're pretty romantic.

[B]

What do I do? That's romantic.

[A]

But I will say, what do I do?

[B]

Why am I so romantic to you?

[A]

You're very affectionate with your words. So I would say that, like, is romantic. Like, you're very affectionate with your words. Words. Actually, Abby heard us talking the other day. She overheard you. I was like, boiling water, and you're like, something about, like, you're as hot as this water. Something, like, so stupid. And then she just started laughing. You're like, oh, you heard that? Like, just, like.

[B]

I remember I did say, like, goofy.

[A]

Stuff all the time.

[B]

Yeah, I said it was kind of goofy, but you were like, wow, this water is, like, boy, like, so hot. Like, or something. I forget. It was something kind of silly like that. It was kind of stupid and silly. And then I, like, turned it back on.

[A]

We'll consider that you super hot.

[B]

But it was, like, funnier than that. Like, it was not that funny.

[A]

It was only funny that because she overheard it.

[B]

Yeah, she overheard it.

[A]

That's just, like, normal.

[B]

Well, she did laugh. She did laugh at me.

[A]

Maybe she purely felt uncomfortable, but, you know. Yeah, but I come from a family where my dad was not romantic. I feel like my brother is also not romantic. And you know what? Something I never questioned was the love that they have for their wives. So I think that maybe we need to also have a broader look, especially since you're already married. Like, this is one thing that, like, in dating, if this is like just a superficial preference you have, then, yeah, you're allowed to have that preference in marriage. I think you can have a broader view of like, okay, yes, he doesn't do X, Y or Z, but I know that this man is, like, fiercely loyal. He will literally go fight a bear for me. Like, he loves me. He will, like, go to the ends of the earth for me. And I think that in itself is romantic. So we can have a different view of romance.

[B]

Did we get the question? What was the question again? Do we?

[A]

It says, the only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he's not romantic enough. Any advice? Advice? That's the only thing.

[B]

It's like the only thing. He's probably an amazing guy. He probably worships the ground that you walk on, sis.

[A]

I don't know if that's true, but probably saying, like, I think we can look at romance in a broader term. And I think you have to do that anyway in marriage. Because dating is obviously, that's the wooing stage. And obviously some of that should carry into marriage, but some of that is going to look different. I mean, when you just think about the sheer amount of years that you're going to be married, like, keep it alive, but it's going to look different. And I think that we should just point out the other things. It's like, oh, yeah, that's just him. And I feel like that's the thing I hear the most of couples that have been married a long time, they have just, like, accepted, like, that's just them. And you learn to really, like, love those, like, quirks and weird things 100%. Some of the things I say about you and other, I'm like, I'm just not gonna die on that hill.

[B]

Like, what. What hill is there to die on?

[A]

There's a couple hills you've got.

[B]

What hills?

[A]

Like you chewing.

[B]

My constant farting.

[A]

Yeah, well, I die on the chewing hill.

[B]

My 80, my ADHD getting the best of me, and I get so distracted.

[A]

Well, you're like, I would say, like, you're impuls of thoughts like that you share vocally. I'm not gonna die on that hill of being like, that's not true. Stop saying that. We're not gonna do that. Like, I don't wanna constantly do that. So I'm just like, yeah, we're gonna go to Japan for a month next week.

[B]

I want to.

[A]

So. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Like, I'm not gonna die on that hill of being like, that's not true. Like, I'm not gonna. Like, I'm not gonna do that.

[B]

But isn't that like, isn't life so much better if you do spontaneous stuff like that?

[A]

It is, Matt. Okay, how do my partner and I make trying to get pregnant into something fun and not a chore slash checklist item?

[B]

Position cards. Those are fun. You got me those for Christmas, I think a year ago.

[A]

Did we already talk about that in this episode?

[B]

Well, I think. Did we. Did you bring up the position cards earlier or was that me?

[A]

I was talking about just doing different. Something different.

[B]

Oh, different, Different. Oh, different stuff. It doesn't have to be a position. It could just be the foreplay.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I'm sorry. Why am I the only one laughing?

[A]

Think about. Because I'm uncomfortable.

[B]

Okay, I'm sorry. Why do I not relate to that question literally at all? Because like, that's like the most magical. Like you're making a kid together. Like, that's the coolest thing you could possibly do in the world.

[A]

A lot of. There's a lot of history though that couples could have. Say they've been doing this for like 12 months. It loses its.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Loses.

[B]

It was. It was scary. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Say you've experienced loss.

[B]

Then I say that. Can we say that we've tried for. Tried. Because like, cuz that is scary. Like trying can be really scary.

[A]

Trying can be really scary. And.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it can be really complicated and it can be really, like, it can be really heavy. So.

[B]

So I can see definitely if they've been through a miscarriage. I can see where that would be scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not as exciting and fun.

[A]

Yes. And so I would say like intentionally look for those days and then plan something fun and different. I think that was the same advice I gave before. But like, I think it's really easy to get into a pattern, especially in the bedroom. Like, I feel like that can also be a really cool opportunity to just shake things up a little bit and do something different. And maybe you just like laugh the whole time. You're like, yeah, I kind of like, you know, the good old fashioned, whatever we do. You know what I mean? But it's. It is just something that adds a certain levity to something that could be heavy. Make it fun, make it different. And then also on those days, maybe that's not the thing that's the most exciting part of your day. Maybe that's the thing that you do. And then it's like, okay, but then afterwards we're gonna order our favorite takeout and we're gonna watch our favorite show and we're gonna eat our favorite ice cream. Afterwards. There can be something, another element of that day that you really, really look forward to. And don't put all that pressure on. I know it's hard, but don't put all this pressure on that being the of like romance for your day. Because maybe it's not, maybe we don't, maybe you don't get that privilege of like this experience being like the lightest, most magical movie moment. Maybe that's not the case for you. And so it's like let's find something else fun that we that is fully within our control because getting pregnant or not, keeping the pregnancy or not is unfortunately out of our control. And so like let's do something within our control that is like also fun and exciting for that day that we can look forward to.

[B]

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[B]

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[B]

Totally depends on the situation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think you can look at someone's relationship and if someone's been broken, doing bad things over and over and over again, probably not a good idea to get back with them. Like, if that habit is not something that's actually shown change, they're not a different person. But if they are actually a different person, then it's a completely different story. Right?

[A]

Yeah. I think you should look for a couple things. Look for. First of all, honestly evaluate, was this the only reason that we broke up? This one reason. Okay. If there's one reason, you can say like, this is the reason and what is totally different now? Or how are we gonna go about this relationship differently now? And I think you need to start that relationship from ground zero. As hard as it is, I think it'd be really easy to just try to pick up where you left off and take off. It's over. You guys broke up. It's like, we're starting over and what's gonna be different this time? And I think you're allowed to be very particular about like, these things. This was a non negotiable for me in the past. It's still non negotiable for me. Me. Yeah, this is what we need to do differently. And I think that needs to be very over. And you know what? I used to think, like, okay, if you broke up, you broke up for a reason. Don't do it again. That's just because that wasn't a part of our story. But I know a lot of people that are successfully married and have very happy families and marriages, 100%. And that is a part of their story.

[B]

And we came close to breaking up when we dated too. I want to say there was like a time or two where you were considering breaking up with me or I was considering breaking up with you. It's common, guys. Like, that's what dating is for. If one or both of you has fundamentally changed as a person, why wouldn't you try it again? If, if, if you know they're the other 99% of them is, is great and a great match for you. Like, why are you getting held up on the. On the 1%?

[A]

Something else I was gonna say, though. No, but I think it should be very critical. I think most relationships should not get back together. Let me just put that out there.

[B]

I would agree with that. I would agree with that too.

[A]

I think this is a rare circumstance where it's like, okay, yeah, we think we can try this again. But also, if you have trusted friends that were, like, also knew your boyfriend or girlfriend really well, I think this is a great time to invite them into the conversation.

[B]

I also find it so interesting how with relationships, you can find couples that, like, got married at 18, dated for two weeks, and, you know, got married, and then they live happily ever after and they have a great marriage, all this. And then you have couples that, like, got married after 25, waited till marriage, dated for two years. Like, they followed all the different, like, steps. They, they did the science back approach, they went to counseling, and then they break up, they divorce. Like, it's always so fascinating to me. So I don't think.

[A]

I think a lot of it boils down to, like, are you gonna work on it?

[B]

How committed are you both?

[A]

How did you deal with waiting for marriage? I'm three years into dating, and it's getting very difficult. Well, we got married after three years.

[B]

Yeah, I. I think that's too long, in my opinion. Like, I think if you've been with someone for three years, it's torture to not be intimate with them. You know, Seriously, like, the people. The people that, like, it's like, respect people that wait till marriage. But if you're gonna wait till marriage or you're gonna date for eight years, like, that is putting an undue burden on you and your partner. Like, you're not. Your. Your body is not.

[A]

I think three years should be the max.

[B]

There's. Yeah, there's like, your. Your DNA is literally telling you to procreate with this person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I don't know. I think that's just, like, torture. That's like putting yourself in front of a juicy steak while you're starving and saying, don't eat it. Or like a cupcake. Like, you put. You put some fresh baked cookies in front of me, I'm gonna eat all 24.

[A]

You've always got analogies.

[B]

I love analogies.

[A]

Say it's an admirable thing to, like, want to take on and you're dating and your preparation for marriage, of course. But I do think you should have a close end date to that because it's not meant to stay like that for very long.

[B]

Yeah. And I think, too, if you, like, you know, quote unquote, slip up and you got handsy a time or two, like, don't kick yourself too hard. Like, it's. It's hard. It's hard.

[A]

Yeah. Because there's a good desire to have.

[B]

There's yeah. It's like that desire that you have is, like, it shows that your body's working. It shows that your emotions are working.

[A]

Like, it shows that this person that you're with, someone that you want to.

[B]

Be now because you're a. Like a person with a. With a developed brain, and you're different than an animal. Like, you being able to show restraint, show restraint shows, like, shows, you know, that you. You got a working prefrontal cortex. But it's like, it's. It's not easy.

[A]

You know, we don't need to do that for extended.

[B]

Don't, like, put a burden on yourself. Don't. Yeah, don't, like. And that's why I especially feel bad when someone, like, starts dating their person at 15 and then they're, like, 19, and they've been together for, you know, gosh, four years at that point. What would you say to that couple that's been. That's been dating since they're 15 and now they're 19? Would you just tell me? Get married? Yes, you're right. I guess if they've already spent four years together, yeah, you're probably 19. Gosh, 19 seems so young. But, yeah, I guess I would say get married.

[A]

Yeah. I'm three months postpartum and feeling a hint of postpartum depression. My partner and I are feeling like roommates, besties instead of lovers. Any advice? I want to tell you, this is, like, literally so normal. This is so normal. You are in the thick of it at three months postpartum, even though it feels like you're like, okay, I should be a little bit more back to it. Like, maybe my baby's sleeping longer stretches. Maybe I feel physically like I feel better. My body's certainly not the same, but, like, I just need you to know that it is so normal. I know so many women go through, gosh, I got. I dare to venture, I don't know a single woman that didn't go through a quote, unquote, unless identity crisis after at least having your first baby. But I feel like it happens every time where you're kind of like, okay, whoa. I feel like a totally different person. I remember looking in the mirror being like, I do not know myself. Like, I don't recognize myself in so many different ways. I don't want to do the same things I wanted to do in the past. I don't know anything other than, like, feeding and changing diapers and trying to get this baby to sleep and calm down and take naps. I don't know Anything other than that, that's biological, that's going to happen. And it's good that it's happening because that means that you are doing the things that you are supposed to do to keep your baby alive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you should also know, like you said, it is a season you're gonna get out of this. And I think it's honestly really cute. And it's like, showing me some hope for you guys, some serious hope, because you said roommates slash besties. And I think it's really sweet that, like, that stage could look like, okay, we certainly don't have the romance that we maybe, like, thought we had. But, like, we're still besties. We're still a team. We're doing this together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're getting so close to, like, getting through that. And I think just. Just know that, that this is just a season.

[B]

It's a very hard season. I mean, you're both depressed. You're both sleep deprived.

[A]

You're both depressed. What an assumption.

[B]

It happens all the time where both, Both the mommy and the dad get depressed. But it's. It's very hard. And so give yourself some grace. Just know that this is literally a season. You're. You're in the middle of winter right now and know that summer's coming and you're gonna get through it.

[A]

Yeah. And I think that there. I think that you'll learn to look back really fondly on this time, too. Yes, you'll say that, yes, it was hard, but, like, what a cool, fun time. And, like, you'll. You'll miss it. Don't make any big decisions. I think this should be. No, like, no one should make any big decisions in the first, at least six months, postpartum, because every, I would.

[B]

Say a year, it's like you took.

[A]

A snow globe and you shook it all up. You gotta wait for those snowflakes to fall.

[B]

Seriously. I think if you're like, I'm sure there's someone listening right now that's like, I. I literally hate my partner's guts. I want to get a divorce. And it's like, hey, give yourself. Like, seriously. I know 12 months sounds like so long, but, like, go to therapy, think it through, meditate on it, journal about it.

[A]

I'm not even talking about divorce, but just no big decisions in general should be made.

[B]

I've seen the amount of TikTok I've seen from people that were, like, didn't make it past the newborn stage or didn't pack. I've seen so many tiktoks a lot of young moms that just like. And I'm sure their partner was a jerk. I'm sure. But I'm sure they're not without fault too.

[A]

So it's a big transition.

[B]

It's really hard, and I think it makes me sad every time I see those videos.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know that. That's really sad. Yeah, I think just. I think nine out of ten times, you're gonna feel like so much more of a human again. After a certain amount of time, you'll feel so much more, like, stable and grounded and adjusted to this new life. There's still adjustments that you have to make. But the headspace I was in 3 months postpartum versus 12 months postpartum is like night and day. And I think we should prepare moms for that because, like, maybe that's not the case and that you just, like, seamlessly transition. And that's amazing and great. But I would say more often than not, it is a difficult transition, especially after you've had your first kid. Like, zero to one, kids is like, you're making a lot of big changes. And I think we should have grace for that. Like, an abundance of grace.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

That's our last question.

[B]

Guys. Thank you again for tuning in to this week's episode of Chat.

[A]

I hope we gave good advice if we gave bad advice. Can you review some of it in the comments?

[B]

Let us know if you say, like.

[A]

Like, hey, you know what? I actually got back with my ex, and this is what I didn't do, and this is why it didn't work out. I don't know.

[B]

Let us know what you guys think of this type of episode in the comments. Cause we haven't done something like this in a very long time. I also think it'd be fun to have people call in to actually hear.

[A]

Their voices, to hear, hey, that's my thing.

[B]

We can't do that here. No, that's Dave Ramsey's thing. That's John Deloney's thing. That's every radio host thing. You guys didn't come up with that.

[A]

Ouch.

[B]

That's what Dax Shepard does on his show too, I think.

[A]

I didn't even know that.

[B]

Yeah, a lot of shows do that.

[A]

Okay, well, you know what? I obviously didn't create it, but, gosh. They can call into Always Here if they have any questions.

[B]

You guys want to call in? Calling to Always Here.

[A]

No. Thank you for trusting us with your crisises. It's really so sweet that you guys wrote in and trust us with that and obviously take it as entertainment purely because we are not experts. There are many people that are experts that do this, and I think that they're the people to go to. We are just here. We're just here to gab. You know what I mean? Yeah, just here to talk it out.

[B]

Two ladies talking it out.

[A]

No, I think it's really cool that.

[B]

It'S man, a man and a woman.

[A]

Talking these things out.

[B]

Also, huge shout out to everyone that has left us a review on Apple Podcast that means the world. Abby's actually gonna read one from one of you guys right now.

[A]

This is from Chloe_2028. The Unplanned Podcast is a refreshing and honest look into life, relationships and unexpected adventures. This podcast is amazing. Whether they're talking about marriage, parenting, faith, or personal growth, they keep things authentic and relatable. It's the kind of podcast that makes you laugh, think, sometimes even tear up. And it never fails to leave you feeling encouraged. Keep being awesome.

[B]

Thank you so much. That's so sweet.

[A]

So once again, just remember to like, subscribe, rate, review all the things. I'm genuinely like, so grateful that this is what we get to do. And we're on year three of this thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, we're on year four. We've done it for three years.

[B]

Holy crap. That's crazy to think about.

[A]

Also, please follow the Unplanned podcast on Instagram. And so the next time we do an episode like this, if you guys enjoy it, you can also participate. We're so grateful for those of you that wrote in and it'd be fun to hear from you if you didn't write in.

[B]

Guys, thank you so much again for tuning in to this episode of Unplanned. We will see you in the next one. Peace out, dudes. Well, the holidays have come and gone once again, but if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift, well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now. You call it it an early present for next year. What do you have to lose? Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time.

[A]

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[A]

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[B]

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