Abby (1:58)

Give the gift of comfort that lasts beyond the holidays and carries you into a cozy new year.

Matt (2:04)

I wish I had kissed someone else before marriage. 3, 2, 1.

Abby (2:09)

Heck, I'm gonna say agree.

Matt (2:10)

Wait.

Abby (2:11)

Oh, my God.

Matt (2:12)

Having kids made us lose parts of ourselves. I'm gonna say agree.

Abby (2:15)

I'm saying strongly agree. I remember looking in the mirror one day, I was like, I don't even recognize myself.

Matt (2:20)

You would still be with. I cheated.

Abby (2:23)

Can I be honest with you?

Matt (2:24)

Yeah, be honest.

Abby (2:25)

I would like to think that I would leave you.

Matt (2:27)

We rushed our healing after the miscarriage.

Abby (2:30)

I'm saying agree.

Matt (2:31)

I say disagree.

Abby (2:32)

But I don't think that's a bad thing.

Matt (2:35)

Welcome back to the Unplanned podcast.

Abby (2:39)

If you are watching on Spotify, like actually watching, or on YouTube, you can see that we have a whole new space for Unplanned right now.

Matt (2:48)

It's decorated with our kids, all artwork. If you listen to the episode of us talking about our son Augie's thankful turkey, where he wrote down he's thankful for bad guys, it's literally right there. Literally right there.

Abby (2:59)

We have literally artwork of our dog Pretzel over in this other corner, which you're not even gonna see. We're not on that setting right now. But this whole studio just has personal touches galore. And it just. It feels so official, like, with the way that everything's laid out and the lighting and the monitors, the equipment, like, this is really. This is an upgrade for us. And I hope you guys enjoying it and that. I don't know, I hope you feel the upgrade too, because it really matters to us that we're always, like, making a good product for you guys. And this feels. This feels premium.

Matt (3:32)

If you've been here since the beginning, thank you. It's been nearly three years of unplanned. Cannot believe that we've gotten to sit down with some of the people that we've talked to. Crazy. Just guests that I never thought in a million years I'd ever let alone meet, but. But interview them and, like, have a two hour conversation. Crazy. I just can't believe that this is what and this turned into ultimately.

Abby (3:55)

Like, I kind of feel like we have a relationship with those people in a way. Like, basically every guest we've had on this show, like, by the end, I'm like, gosh, I just want to be friends with you.

Matt (4:03)

No, we get deep with everybody.

Abby (4:05)

And so it feels like, okay, well, you know, if I ever need to, I could reach out. I don't know, maybe I'm delusional, but it's just. It's more than that. It's like the relationships that we've been able to create through this podcast what it's been for our relationship and just, like, beyond this is, like, so cool. And we just hope you know how grateful we are that you're here and that this is a reality for us. We used to have a studio. Okay. We started the podcast in our house.

Matt (4:29)

Yeah.

Abby (4:30)

Then it was in a studio for a short amount of time. Well, not really a short amount of time. Like a year.

Matt (4:34)

Yeah.

Abby (4:35)

And then back in our house now. So this is really convenient. It's really nice. Like, our kids are literally napping upstairs, and we can just film and. This is great.

Matt (4:44)

We have a very highly requested episode coming back today. Agree to disagree. We've played this game, I think, three or four times now through our YouTube channel and our podcast, and we're bringing it back. We have a lot of new questions, a lot of questions we've never answered before. And then also we're bringing back a couple questions that are fan favorites. If you haven't seen us play this game before, essentially, we just make a statement, and we can either say we agree with it, disagree with it, or strongly agree. Strongly disagree.

Abby (5:11)

In general, I think the older I get, the. The more I'm going to use strongly agree or disagree is going to be less and less I feel less strongly about things, the more life experience I have, because the more I realize I'm like, oh, there's nuance to everything. Nothing could be all 100% this.

Matt (5:27)

We have 60 questions we're going from. We're doing level one, level two, and level three. So as we go further in this game, we're going to ask more intense questions and again, bring back fan favorites from the past. Let's get into it. Okay. First question we have is, our miscarriage changed our marriage. It just changed level one. That's a level one. Oh, yeah. That is. That's a deep question.

Abby (5:47)

Our miscarriage said that so casually.

Matt (5:49)

I did, Yeah. I was like, oh, my gosh, that's deep.

Abby (5:52)

All right, well, wow.

Matt (5:53)

Stay tuned for level two and three, everybody. Okay. Miscarriage changed our marriage. One, two, three, go. I'm saying strongly agree. Oh, is that what I did? Strongly agree.

Abby (6:05)

I said agree.

Matt (6:06)

Okay. Why did you say agree?

Abby (6:08)

Why did you say strongly agree?

Matt (6:09)

I think we've had relatively good lives, and two or three years ago, I remember having this distinct conversation with you about, like, wow, things have gotten so good, you know, like, so many things.

Abby (6:20)

Yeah. We're like, we're waiting for something to go back.

Matt (6:21)

What could possibly go wrong? And I feel like this was that thing for us, and it really has changed my perspective. Like, it really. It is so sad how I'm like, that's weird. Starting an emotional bit. It's up how like, awful this world can be and it's so hard to work through that with your spouse. But we're getting through it and we're. And things are looking up. And even though we've gone through that, I think our. I think our marriage has changed for the better. So that's why I said strongly. That's why I said so. I mean, I don't want to say it changed the better because I'm not glad it's not like totally what happened is awful.

Abby (7:01)

I didn't think you meant it that way. Yeah, I would say, yeah, I definitely said agree because it's like what I think John Deloney says this. Are you so sick of me quoting John?

Matt (7:10)

It's all good. It's all good. You love John.

Abby (7:11)

He says that you're, you're. When things like this happen, you. It's like you kind of have to. You're building a brand new marriage. It's not like your marriage changes. Like, it's like that marriage is gone.

Matt (7:20)

Yeah.

Abby (7:21)

And this, this is a new marriage we're building together again. And I really do feel that way in regards to us, in this miscarriage because of the way that it just like immense grief. That was like, like that was so unique to the two of us too, because we really are the only ones that got to experience her.

Matt (7:37)

Yeah.

Abby (7:38)

And like those obviously other people in our life were affected totally, but it was very, like, isolated to us is what it felt like. And so that was just a very bonding experience. And John Deloney also says, like, something like this can really ruin. Miscarriage is unique in the sense too, it can really be very damaging to a marriage because one person's ready to, quote, unquote, move on before the other person is.

Matt (8:03)

Yes.

Abby (8:04)

And so, like, we've just had to grow so much and like our emotional intelligence of our own selves that also has grown our emotional intelligence of one another. Our communication has intensified and also our boundaries. I'm proud of.

Matt (8:19)

Because, like, we have both started going to individual therapy frequently.

Abby (8:23)

Consistently.

Matt (8:24)

Consistently. We've both been going to marriage therapy. And I think we're both, like, our communication has taken a leap, I think.

Abby (8:32)

Yeah. For sure.

Matt (8:33)

So anyway, and I think ultimately that's.

Abby (8:38)

What people mean when they say everything happens for a reason. I think that it can be incredibly insensitive accidentally to say someone going through an immense trial.

Matt (8:48)

Yeah.

Abby (8:49)

Everything happens for a Reason. You're kind of like, shut up. I don't want anyone to tell me that my baby died for a reason. That doesn't sound good. But this is what they mean, right? There can be good things that come out of a horrible situation, but I.

Matt (9:01)

Think the person going through it needs to discover that for themselves. You can't just directly tell them that when they're grieving. It's not going to help them.

Abby (9:07)

Yeah.

Matt (9:08)

That being said, next question. Wow. Level one's crazy. We got married too young. Three, two, one, go. I'm going to say strongly, strongly disagree. I'm going to say strongly disagree.

Abby (9:20)

Okay, I just said disagree.

Matt (9:23)

I think the reason I said strongly is just because I just don't see it happening any other way. I feel like we got to experience something that most young people don't get to have. And going on a young adventure with you. When we were practically kids, our brains weren't even fully developed yet was so crazy and exciting. Like, we moved to Hawaii. We just did so many wild things and grew up together. And it's something that I'll tell my kids, and they can tell their kids, and. I don't know. It's just like, we chose each other over careers. We chose each other over money. Like, we both were like, this is. This is the most important thing to us is this relationship. And I think that just set us up for success, and I think everything else just followed it. And I'm rambling now, but I just don't. I don't see our life any other way. I'm so glad we got married when we did.

Abby (10:13)

Totally. And I think that the reason I just said disagree was that no matter what, I have this understanding in me that, like, you were gonna be my person. And, like, I feel like I committed to you long before we actually got married. But I do think, like, actually getting married was, like, at the time we did. It's less about our ages. And I always say this. It's less about our ages, but where we were at in our relationship. We were so ready to get married.

Matt (10:39)

I think we could have gotten married younger.

Abby (10:40)

Honestly, we even could.

Matt (10:41)

Yeah, I think it would have been. I honestly might have been better for our relationship if we would have gotten, like, just with the views we had at the time, the struggles that came with, like, being engaged somewhat with somebody, but, like, you know, having strict boundaries till marriage, like, that created all these complexities. I don't know. I almost wish we would have, like, gotten married two years into dating and just a lot. Yeah. It was fun, like, living with roommates and stuff, but I feel like we still could have, like.

Abby (11:06)

Yeah, I do think we could have gotten married a year earlier.

Matt (11:08)

We could. I mean, it would have been maybe a little weird, but we could have, like, been married and still had roommates. Like, people do I know people that do that.

Abby (11:14)

Yeah.

Matt (11:15)

I don't know. Anyway.

Abby (11:17)

Yeah.

Matt (11:17)

Next question.

Abby (11:19)

Oh, yeah, I think. I wouldn't give that blanket advice to anybody. It was just like. I do think that we had something unique at that point. I don't know. Does that sound arrogant? I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but I feel like we were ready. We were definitely ready.

Matt (11:31)

Having kids made us lose parts of ourselves. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say agree.

Abby (11:38)

I'm saying strongly agree.

Matt (11:40)

Yeah, I. I'm gonna. I guess I'll go first. I'm talking right now. I guess I'm saying agree because it just fundamentally changes you completely. As if, like, your life completely changes. It's probably. I think having kids was a much bigger decision to make than even getting married, which, again, we have friends. We have friends that have kids that are not married. We have. We've interviewed a lot of people on the show that have had kids before they got married. And I just don't know how they do it. Like, I. And no judgment towards them. It's just like having a kid with someone is probably the biggest decision you can make in your life.

Abby (12:13)

Yeah.

Matt (12:13)

You're literally creating another life, you know, so.

Abby (12:16)

Well, I think when you take it as seriously as you take it and as I take.

Matt (12:20)

Yeah.

Abby (12:20)

Like, it's not like, something that's, like, so casual.

Matt (12:22)

It just. It creates many complexities. Right. Like, if you're. If you end up breaking up, then, you know, are you going to stick around with. With, like, around your kids? You can still have a relationship with them. I hope so. Like, and then you have all these logistics of, like, who has taught. Like, you have custody battles. You have all these things that happen. And anyway, all that said, I think you lose part of yourself with. With having a kid. And I don't think there's anything bad about that. I think it's just a change that naturally happens.

Abby (12:49)

Yeah. I would say it was a refining process for me. Like, I think I distinctly remember after having Griffin, our first child, I remember looking in the mirror one day, I was probably, like, six weeks postpartum, you know, the fresh. Still fresh, but, like, enough to be, like, above. My head's above water.

Matt (13:05)

Yeah.

Abby (13:06)

And I was, like, literally looking in the mirror, I was like, I recognize myself. Like, I did not feel like I wanted to do the things I used to want to do. I felt like I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of even doing something for myself. I felt like I just. I did not know my place anymore. I felt so all consumed by motherhood, and I loved it, but I was just so lost on my own identity at that point.

Matt (13:32)

You loved it, like, because initially I didn't love it. You loved it initially.

Abby (13:35)

I think it's different for moms. Like, you're like, hormonally, like.

Matt (13:38)

Yeah.

Abby (13:39)

Bonded to this kid immediately, like, before you're even there. You even meet them. So meeting them like that is like a joy that just does not wear off or. I don't know.

Matt (13:48)

I think the more. The more that our kids were able to communicate with me, the more I.

Abby (13:52)

Think that's unique for dads.

Matt (13:53)

I just think to remember when, like, Griffin and Augie both were able to smile at me, and I was like. I was like, oh, my gosh. I was like, they can. They like me. They're excited to see. And it just, like, made me feel so loved and so appreciated and it just, like, created this. I don't know, I was like, that's my kid. Like, they're we. I smile at them, they smile back, you know, and just like, as that communication has grown now, I have full on conversations with Griffin. And he asked. Right now he's in the stage where he's like, asking, why about everything. And it's fun. Like, it's so fun that I get to be the person that gets to explain to him how the world works. Big responsibility.

Abby (14:30)

Yeah. All that to say, Like, I feel like it completely changed my brain. And, like, a lot of those things came back. I was like, okay, that part of me is dead and it's dead forever. No, A lot of those things came back, or they came back looking different or all these types of things, but basically, like, becoming a mom completely changed everything about me. And I don't mean. And I don't look at that as like, Like, I lost parts of me. It was. I just view that fully as a refining experience, especially from, like, my character.

Matt (14:58)

Next question we have is, screens are fine if parents need a break. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say strongly agree. Heck yeah, strongly agree. Because sometimes, especially if your kid. If you're at the beach and your kid is like, throwing a absolute meltdown and everyone's looking at you, it's like you have to put on Ms. Rachel for a couple Minutes. So this kid can just like come back to earth.

Abby (15:20)

Well, that's different for. I think they were saying if a parent needs a break.

Matt (15:23)

Oh, yeah, that's fine too.

Abby (15:25)

If a parent needs. It's like, it's totally like. Okay, say like, I guess when they say they need a break and that probably means that they're like frustrated.

Matt (15:31)

Yep.

Abby (15:32)

Or like exhausted.

Matt (15:33)

Oh, yeah. You don't want to, you know, what's the other option?

Abby (15:35)

You just like still keep persevering and then you're. But like, you stubbornly persevere and then you just are like yelling at your kids.

Matt (15:42)

I think about shaking, shaken baby baby syndrome.

Abby (15:45)

Because like, if some say chicken baby. What is chicken baby?

Matt (15:49)

Chicken babies. No, I think about, like, there's, there's people that have gotten so fed up with their kid, they've shaken their kid.

Abby (15:55)

Yeah, well, not. This is. No one's showing a screen to a baby.

Matt (15:59)

I know, but I'm just saying, like, in general, people do.

Abby (16:02)

Maybe they are.

Matt (16:02)

People can do that with any stage. People get so pissed off at their teenager that they'll like throw their teenager.

Abby (16:07)

Oh, my God.

Matt (16:08)

You know, like, people make big mistakes. That's why people have like trauma with their parents. Right. So if it's like, I don't know. I mean, obviously we all know screens, like too much screen time is a bad thing, but if you need a little break because you're about to lose it. Yeah. Put on, put on a little show. Put on some Ms. Rachel. Put on. Recently it's been kids Star wars that our kids love to watch on Disney plus.

Abby (16:28)

Yeah.

Matt (16:28)

So there's nothing wrong with that.

Abby (16:30)

Yeah. I guess it's like what's most important to you that your kids don't watch screens or that you show up as the best parent possible when you're around your kids. Thank you to our frames for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. The holiday season is fast approaching. We're really in the thick of things. And if you know anything about us, little last minute, a little unplanned, if you will. And something about us is that we really love to give personalized, thoughtful gifts, but it's kind of hard to do that sometimes when you're operating on a last minute schedule. But that is what's awesome about aura frames. What they are is they're digital picture frames that you can give to your grandma, to your mom, to your aunt, to give to any loved one that basically just wants to see more of you, more of your children.

Matt (17:11)

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Abby (17:26)

That's the extra step that makes Aura Frames feel like such a great gift option. Plus, every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag, so it's already ready to go for you. You can't wrap togetherness, but you can.

Matt (17:38)

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Abby (17:58)

This deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast, so order now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

Matt (18:06)

For those of you that don't know, we just got a dog, so that's why we're asking this next question. Next one is it's okay for my dog to sleep in my bed. 3, 2, 1. I'm saying strongly disagree. Strongly disagree.

Abby (18:21)

Okay. Guess what? We might change our mind on this one day.

Matt (18:23)

That's true.

Abby (18:24)

But we have a puppy right now.

Matt (18:25)

And it's okay to change your mind on something.

Abby (18:26)

Totally.

Matt (18:26)

That's okay.

Abby (18:27)

We have a puppy right now though. But I mean, it's like, I would sooner let my kids sleep with me than a dog.

Matt (18:33)

Yeah.

Abby (18:33)

You know what? I guess at one point we could maybe have everyone, all the dogs, all the kids in with us.

Matt (18:38)

We have considered getting one of those like, mega beds for our kid, like an entire family to sleep in. But I don't know, it's not. It's kind of special to have our own bed, have our own space at this point.

Abby (18:47)

My main reason is that, like, if Pretzel ever needs to stay with somebody else, like, say we're traveling, like we're traveling this weekend. So I don't want the dog sitter to think that they have to sleep with our dog. Yeah, because that's a huge ask.

Matt (19:00)

That is a big ask. No, that's a very big ask.

Abby (19:02)

So I'm like, if she's used to sleeping with us every night and then we're gone and then she has to all of a sudden sleep somewhere else, then that would be sad for her.

Matt (19:09)

We have a friend that they, their dog sitters have to sleep with their dog.

Abby (19:12)

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt (19:14)

I can't believe that.

Abby (19:15)

I see how you get there. I mean, we probably could get there. I could see that. We're capable of that. But as of this point, pretzel is not allowed upstairs.

Matt (19:22)

Okay.

Abby (19:22)

And so that's where our bedroom is. So that would be. We'd have to. We'd have to change a couple boundaries at that point.

Matt (19:29)

I like the setup we have.

Abby (19:30)

It's working out well.

Matt (19:32)

Next question. It's important for couples to have similar life goals. 3, 2, 1. I guess I'll say. Agree. I mean, it's probably a good thing to have similar life goals.

Abby (19:43)

Agree.

Matt (19:44)

I think you can make it work if you have different life goals, but I think that's just going to create conflict. Just will. I think working through conflict can make your marriage stronger, though. I think, like, overcoming conflict is a good thing.

Abby (19:56)

Okay. So if you're married, in my mind, I'm like, you guys are in the same car in life.

Matt (20:02)

Yeah.

Abby (20:02)

And you're going down a road, and you can't rip that car in half and go two different directions. If you're like, I want to go somewhere else in my life and I want to go here. You can't rip a car in half.

Matt (20:12)

Yeah, you can.

Abby (20:13)

You know, so I'm like, we got to find a route that will both get us somewhere that feels like. And it's like. And when it's a similar. That's really important.

Matt (20:21)

Yeah.

Abby (20:22)

They don't have to be the exact same, but you have to at least be going the same direction.

Matt (20:24)

Well, like, say, like I'm thinking of, say you have a small town girl from Missouri who loves her family, never wants to leave Missouri. And then you have this dude from India that, like, they meet in college. I'm saying this. I have a friend, I have a buddy from India that meets.

Abby (20:38)

Feels really.

Matt (20:39)

He married a Missouri girl and now he lives in Missouri. But like, in his situation, if he would have just if it was important to move back to India, like, that. That can't work.

Abby (20:48)

Yeah.

Matt (20:48)

You know, you have to. You have to figure that out and you in. But, like, you have to work through that stuff if it comes up, especially if you're already married and then someone has some epiphany moment of, oh, my gosh, I need to live in India.

Abby (20:58)

Which is why I say important and not vital. Because you're allowed to change your life goals. And it's actually probably important. Important that you keep reassessing them and, like, being honest with yourself, like, is this something that I want to hang on to still? Or is this something I want to change or let go of or do something completely different? You have to have that space in a marriage to also be honest and put those things on the table. So I'm not saying it's vital, but I'm saying it's important.

Matt (21:19)

Next up, homemade gifts are better than store bought gifts. Three, two, one.

Abby (21:26)

I'm gonna say disagree.

Matt (21:28)

I say disagree. I mean, like, there's so many stupid things you can make that are homemade, you know, like, it's like so many of those things just go in the trash. Right?

Abby (21:37)

Yeah.

Matt (21:37)

I mean, so many gifts in general get donated. Say that out loud. I love you, Mom.

Abby (21:44)

Matthew James.

Matt (21:45)

What? Okay, we keep it. You can keep it in Danilo. My mom needs to know to not get me so many things that she's bought me. Too many hats that say dad on it. It's like, mom, I'm never gonna wear this hat. Never going to drink out of a coffee mug that says Hashtag Dad. That's just not. That's just not cool. Just because it says dad on it doesn't mean you need to buy it for me.

Abby (22:03)

Oh, it's sweet.

Matt (22:04)

She loves a good deal. She loves to. I'm roasting my mom right now. Yeah, I just disagree with that.

Abby (22:10)

That sounds so bad. That sounds so bad.

Matt (22:14)

We've. Have we ever made a homemade gift? No. You did. You used to make me the cutest homemade gifts when we first got married.

Abby (22:20)

That's true.

Matt (22:21)

And no. When we first started dating. And then you did a homemade gift last year for Valentine's Day. That was really sweet.

Abby (22:26)

So actually some. Yeah, Okay. I guess the homemade gifts, I'm thinking it's like, I can knit, so I'm making homemade scarves for everybody. Okay. It feels personal because someone made it with their hands, but you're also giving everyone the same gift just because that's the thing that you can do.

Matt (22:39)

Yeah. And it's like, did they actually want that homemade scarf? Like, maybe it looks ugly. Maybe they don't like scarfs.

Abby (22:44)

You know, I just really want to be careful because I don't want anyone in our life.

Matt (22:47)

Yeah, we gotta be careful. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I can roast my mom, but I don't want to roast other family members.

Abby (22:53)

I'm not thinking of anyone in particular. I just want to put that out there.

Matt (22:56)

But.

Abby (22:56)

But in a way it can almost feel. It's like, oh, if they got me something that they. They were shopping, they specifically looked for something because they Were thinking about me. It almost feels more personal.

Matt (23:05)

I can make that argument 100%. Yeah, I agree.

Abby (23:07)

Also, we're not huge gift givers in this house. And gift receivers. Like, we don't do big gifts exchanges.

Matt (23:12)

Yeah. Love matters more than financial stability. That's a weird one.

Abby (23:16)

Why is that weird?

Matt (23:17)

I don't know. I just. 3, 2, 1. I'm going to say agree. I'm saying strong with this. I think the reason I'm saying agree is because, like, I think financial stability is a very important part of life. Like, I think financial instability can cause a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety, can ruin relationships, can ruin marriages.

Abby (23:35)

Right.

Matt (23:36)

So that's why I'm going to say agree that love matters more. But, like, you got to make sure you have some sort of financial sense. I wish they would teach financial literacy in schools, like, everywhere. That's a whole topic for another day. I'm very passionate about finance. I almost became a financial planner. But, yeah, I just. I think love matters more.

Abby (23:57)

Totally. I would say that there are times in our marriage. I would never say that there was a time where we were financially unstable.

Matt (24:02)

Yeah.

Abby (24:02)

But there was times where our finances were very tight. And I don't feel like I ever felt like I was lacking for anything because we were so in love. It was like, yeah, we. We love each other so much that we're going to make this work.

Matt (24:16)

Yeah.

Abby (24:17)

Whatever we have to do to make that happen. That it's like. I don't know. Love is so. Wow. I sound like such a goo goo.

Matt (24:24)

What?

Abby (24:24)

But, like, love is just. It's like hitting the jackpot. So it's like, you know what? Like, to find someone that you truly love is, like. Is such a rare thing that we're. That finances are also very important, but in the scheme of things, it feels minor.

Matt (24:39)

High five. I love it.

Abby (24:40)

Does that make me sense?

Matt (24:41)

You're sweet.

Abby (24:42)

I think finances are very important.

Matt (24:43)

I definitely think finances are more important than you do. But it's okay. It's all good. We don't have to. That's what makes us cool, is that we're different.

Abby (24:49)

Of course.

Matt (24:50)

So it attracts me to you.

Abby (24:51)

There you go.

Matt (24:52)

I would probably hate your guts if you were just like me. Like, we can't opposites attract 1000%. So that's why we're married. We're different. The person who cooks shouldn't have to clean. This is a repeat one. Okay. Three, two. I actually don't even know what I said to this last time. 3, 2, 1. I'm gonna say disagree, and here's why.

Abby (25:10)

I'm gonna say disagree too.

Matt (25:11)

I think you have to look at what's overall going on. So if someone's cooking and cleaning and they do all of that, but then someone else is, like, taking on another household task or another family responsibility that's like, contributing, who the heck cares if they're cooking and cleaning?

Abby (25:24)

I think household roles are over talked about.

Matt (25:27)

Yeah.

Abby (25:27)

It really does not very much matter.

Matt (25:31)

Because, I mean, honestly, oftentimes in our household, Abby will make the dinner and clean up, and I'll be the one that gives the boys their baths, brushes their teeth, gets them in their jammies, and I like it, reads them a book. So I do like the whole. Especially, like, it fluctuates, though. Like, it's not always.

Abby (25:45)

We're always. We're not rigid about literally anything.

Matt (25:47)

There's been times where, like, Abby cooks, I clean, she does the boys bath time. Yeah, like, we fluctuate too. I actually used to cook a lot more until one time I made salmon that nobody liked. And I've been making. Like, I never make dinner anymore, so maybe eventually you'll trust me again to make salmon.

Abby (26:06)

No, I'm just saying, like, I feel like I love our situation where nothing is. Like, very few things are like, you always do that or I always do that. Like, I feel like we both have, like, an ebb and flow where it's like, okay, I need you to fill in a little bit more tonight. I'm. I need you to do 75% tonight. I've only got 25%. Yeah, it feels great that we can both ebb and flow like that. Like, it doesn't have to be rigid. It's like, hey, maybe I got 100% tonight. Because you're like, puking feels great.

Matt (26:30)

And cooking and cleaning too. Like, maybe somebody likes to actually cook and clean and the other person hates it. I actually do, like, like, when it comes to, you know, Abby and I have a business together of content online. When we. When we would, like, for instance in Hawaii before kids, Abby would cook and clean, while I would just edit all of our YouTube videos and tick tocks.

Abby (26:47)

And I'd much rather do that.

Matt (26:48)

And it was like I was like, running our business and then she was doing, like, the house stuff, and that just worked for us and we were both happy. So it doesn't. And it doesn't have to stay that way. Like, you can.

Abby (26:59)

Here's the thing. You don't need to compare your situation with other people's situations.

Matt (27:03)

Yeah. You don't.

Abby (27:04)

Everyone's different and it just takes communication. Or you can end. Here's the other thing with your marriage. You always can bring something new to the table and be like, yo, I know I've cooked for 10 years in our relationship. I actually just discovered about myself. I despise cooking. And then you can, you know, clean slate. Yeah, let's start over. Let's start over some. A different routine there. So it's like, no big deal.

Matt (27:26)

Next question is your spouse should come before your extended family?

Abby (27:30)

Three, two, one.

Matt (27:31)

I'm going to say strongly agree. Why in the world would your spouse ever come after your extended.

Abby (27:35)

Oh, no, it's very easy to happen. Say you have a very vocal family member that you feel like you have to please so much. You've. You've grown up your whole life feeling like you have to please them.

Matt (27:45)

Yeah.

Abby (27:45)

And then say your partner's kind of like, yeah, chill, flexible. It's really easy to just cater to the louder voice. And then you forget that, like, it's like, oh, my priority is to you first.

Matt (27:56)

Yep. I'm so glad you say that because, like, I, Yeah, I stand by my answer. But it's like, it's so easy to forget that.

Abby (28:04)

You know, it is really easy to forget that.

Matt (28:05)

You just think like, oh, yeah, this person. I died. And it's like, no, you don't have to do what they ask you to. Like, your spouse is more important. Yeah, right.

Abby (28:11)

For sure. Family dynamics can be so tricky.

Matt (28:15)

They can be tricky in marriage. I feel very blessed that we both have good families that.

Abby (28:20)

Totally.

Matt (28:21)

With.

Abby (28:21)

Totally.

Matt (28:22)

We're just like singing Kumbaya by the fire.

Abby (28:24)

They also care about our marriage and they like, they understand that our priority is to each other first. Yeah, they respect that. Everyone.

Matt (28:31)

Yeah.

Abby (28:31)

So that's great.

Matt (28:32)

This next one's actually kind of funny. Okay, we. We trauma bought a puppy. That's the next statement.

Abby (28:39)

Okay.

Matt (28:40)

Three, two, one.

Abby (28:42)

Yeah, I'm gonna agree with that.

Matt (28:43)

I'm agree. I mean, sure, we talked about it for four years before actually pulling the trigger. But like, it was like, yeah, we just went through a pretty effed up thing. Let's. Let's get a puppy. This will make us happier. And it kind of worked. I honestly, today, me and Presley were just chilling outside while the carpet cleaners were cleaning our carpet. And it was great. Like, we were just. She fell asleep on my foot.

Abby (29:02)

Oh, she's great. I honestly think that we would not have a dog if we hadn't had a miscarriage at this point.

Matt (29:11)

In our life. Yeah. We would. 100%. Getting a dog was a responsibility.

Abby (29:14)

It changed the timeline of our life. Yeah, totally.

Matt (29:18)

Yeah.

Abby (29:18)

And you know what? It was the reason I like, so hesitant to say that because it kind of makes it sound like she was a replacement when she absolutely was not a replacement. But it just, like I said, it just changed the timeline of when we were gonna get a dog because of all these different factors that were no longer factor in our life.

Matt (29:38)

Yeah. And we've been so lucky that she's a really good puppy. She does not bark really at all.

Abby (29:44)

She wants to play.

Matt (29:46)

She stays in her. Like, she's so chill. She doesn't bark or cry in her crate. Like, she just. She just goes in there, falls asleep. Don't have to. We don't get up in the night to take her out. She just holds her pee all night, goes potty in the morning.

Abby (29:58)

She's a great.

Matt (29:58)

So good. She's a very good dog.

Abby (30:00)

She's unusually good.

Matt (30:01)

Yeah. We got lucky.

Abby (30:02)

We got really lucky. But yeah, she's such a blessing. But, yeah, we probably would not have her at this point in time.

Matt (30:07)

Okay. Vacation should be more relaxing than adventurous. Hey. Okay, these are the level one questions.

Abby (30:13)

Okay.

Matt (30:14)

I was hoping for. These aren't like sex questions. Relationship. Okay. So vacations should be more relaxing than adventurous. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say strongly disagree. I think vacation. I personally love to advent. I can relax at my house. I want to. I want to adventure.

Abby (30:32)

I'm holding all of mine up.

Matt (30:33)

Why are you holding all of yours up?

Abby (30:35)

Because I think that there is a trip for everything.

Matt (30:40)

Okay.

Abby (30:41)

I really do. Because I feel like before I had kids, I want, like, now I want vacations for relaxation. That sounds amazing.

Matt (30:49)

Did just go to Vegas.

Abby (30:50)

Think about a baby moon. I'm like, I just want to relax.

Matt (30:52)

That's true.

Abby (30:53)

And so it's like, that feels so nice. But then I loved the vacations we took where we were hiking the entire time.

Matt (30:59)

Yeah.

Abby (30:59)

I love the vacations we took where we were doing tours and sightseeing the entire time. I think there's a vacation for everything. I think the most important thing is that you and whoever you're traveling with is aligned on what you want to do. Because I feel like sometimes we've gone on trips where I'm like, I just want to read my book.

Matt (31:13)

Yeah.

Abby (31:13)

And relax. And you're like, we're here. Like, we. I understand both sides, but I'm like, there's a trip for everything.

Matt (31:19)

Yeah.

Abby (31:20)

So there's so Many trips where I just want to read my book.

Matt (31:22)

Let's just be honest, babe. That's what that. Honestly, I think that's a difference between us. I think when I totally, I'm an adventurer, I want to go like backpack in the mountains. Adventure you are, you like to relax. Matthew James, you love to read your book by the beach, by the pool and you love to go to the spa.

Abby (31:40)

Season of life.

Matt (31:41)

I really. And I've, I've learned to enjoy those things. But like when it, when it comes down to my core, I'm an adventure guy, Matt.

Abby (31:47)

1,000%. I love to hike. I love to try new things. I love to try new foods. I love to go on. I love a tour. I love these things.

Matt (31:54)

Okay.

Abby (31:54)

And it's like, don't put me in a box. Think about the season of life. I'm in.

Matt (31:57)

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Abby (31:59)

Thank you. Let me defend myself. I am fun. Thank you to Nutrafol for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. During this holiday season, it's super, super easy to start thinking about everybody else in your life. I'm talking what do my kids need? What does my spouse need? What does grandma need? What does great grandma need? What does my mom? And I think all of that is really great. But what's also really important is that we are taking care of ourselves and doing our self care. And that's why gifts like Nutrafol really stand out during this season. With Nutrafol you can give the gift of stronger and faster growing hair. And it's an ideal gift for anyone who deserves a boost of confidence and science backed support.

Matt (32:33)

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Abby (33:01)

I just gave a three month supply of Nutrafol to a dear friend of mine. She actually just had a baby. And you know, that's time where your confidence really can take a hit because you don't recognize your body. It's gone through so many changes and just for the sprinkle on top, you do tend to lose a lot of hair. So that is why I wanted to hook her up with a supply of Nutrafol. It really helped me. As I was handing it to her, she's like, so does this stuff really work? I was like, yes, girl, take it, take it every day.

Matt (33:24)

Yes, queen.

Abby (33:25)

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Matt (33:47)

The next one is the Internet has done more harm than good. I'm actually with this, I'm going to say, I'm going to say disagree. What about you?

Abby (33:55)

I'm actually going to say strongly disagree.

Matt (33:57)

I'm going to say disagree. And the reason is because yes, the Internet has brought so many horrible problems. But I think there's also been a lot of amazing things.

Abby (34:05)

Think about what we can do because of the Internet.

Matt (34:07)

Yes, the communication like the life saving technologies that be shared globally. You know, just there's so many resources now on the Internet that you can have for free. You can essentially teach yourself to like be a programmer or coder just by looking at YouTube videos. I taught myself guys how to edit, how to make video when I was a kid off of YouTube.

Abby (34:27)

I think we progress so much because of the, just the data and the accessibility to it. It's like a, it's a super. I mean a computer is insane.

Matt (34:36)

Yeah, the.

Abby (34:37)

I think that most of the problems that have come up with it come out of it is humans not having proper boundaries with it.

Matt (34:43)

Yes.

Abby (34:44)

And so I think that's more of like that's a human problem. And I think that anything like the Internet just exacerbates human problems more than an Internet problem.

Matt (34:55)

Okay, now Abby, we are moving on to level two.

Abby (34:59)

Oh my gosh. I'm already feeling stressed out that I'm not elaborating enough. So I'm just like saying blanket some statements that people are gonna run with and maybe clip and just think that I'm X, Y or Z.

Matt (35:07)

Hey, that's just part, you know what.

Abby (35:08)

That'S just part of it.

Matt (35:09)

There's less theory called Let them let them theory by Mel Robbins.

Abby (35:13)

I just some of these I need to give like a lot of explanation.

Matt (35:16)

I'm sure some, some person out there hungry for views and clips will probably clip something of us. At some point in the future, it's just going to happen.

Abby (35:27)

Let them.

Matt (35:27)

Let them.

Abby (35:28)

Okay.

Matt (35:28)

Let them.

Abby (35:29)

I just want to get my opinion out there.

Matt (35:31)

I love it. I like to let them theory. Okay. Level two, we're getting deeper. And. And this is what we're doing. Okay. This is the first one of level two. We look happier on social media than we really are. I'm gonna say agree. I'm say agree.

Abby (35:48)

But I'm actually saying disagree.

Matt (35:49)

Disagree.

Abby (35:51)

I mean, I kind of showed the Internet the depths of my despair recently.

Matt (35:55)

That's true. I guess it depends on which platform you're looking at. Right. Because I think you were very, very vulnerable. Especially you. All of them on YouTube, which I guess those get clipped as well.

Abby (36:06)

Yeah.

Matt (36:07)

But what I'm thinking about is, like, especially our era of doing, like, TikTok dances, where we're just, like, smiling and having fun. Like, I feel like that was just like, highlight reel after highlight reel after highlight reel. And, you know, when all you're posting is highlight reels, of course you're gonna look happier. Yeah, of course you are.

Abby (36:24)

The only reason I'm saying disagree is because I feel like I just kind of laid it all out there at that point.

Matt (36:28)

Yeah. Ah. I almost want to go neutral on this one.

Abby (36:31)

Yeah.

Matt (36:32)

I wish there was, like a. I.

Abby (36:33)

Feel like it's a pretty.

Matt (36:34)

I feel like we do give a good. We give the good, the bad, and the. We give everything. We give. We give it all. I feel like we try to keep a very real perspective. That's why I like the podcast, you guys, because, like, this is, like, the realest thing you can have. Like, we're just. This is. This is it. We're just sitting, chatting, you know?

Abby (36:49)

Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, I'm gonna say neutral on that one.

Matt (36:52)

Okay, next we have. Social media is hurting our relationship. Okay, here we go. And three, two, one. I'm gonna say disagree.

Abby (37:01)

I'm saying disagree, too, with the caveat it's definitely posed complications.

Matt (37:06)

Oh, yeah.

Abby (37:07)

But I think the complications have really been as, like, it's not a social media thing. It's like a personal thing that we're bringing into our marriage.

Matt (37:15)

Yeah.

Abby (37:15)

And also, I just think it's not necessarily social media. It's working together.

Matt (37:19)

Yeah.

Abby (37:20)

But I feel like that was like a year one through three thing of, like, learning about. I feel like years three through six and a half. It hasn't. That's why I said disagree. It's not a problem.

Matt (37:29)

I feel like it's more so the Thing that has hurt our relationship in the past is maybe just working together because it causes. It causes challenges. Like, it's so easy. Okay. Because we're owners of the company. Right. Like, Abby and I own a media company.

Abby (37:43)

Yeah. We're making decisions. If we weren't making decisions together, I don't think it'd be a problem. Like, if we were employees at a place together, we're both just doing our.

Matt (37:50)

Job, and that's what we. That's what we used to do. We used to work at a pizza restaurant in college, and we were not the boss. Yeah.

Abby (37:57)

No problem.

Matt (37:57)

Fun. Working together.

Abby (37:58)

No problem.

Matt (37:58)

But then when we're both the boss, then if we have differences in ideas and creativity, things can get weird.

Abby (38:05)

It's not a huge problem, though, for us.

Matt (38:06)

Yeah, we've. We've definitely. I think we've gotten lucky.

Abby (38:09)

We've also learned a lot.

Matt (38:10)

We also work well together.

Abby (38:11)

We do go to therapy.

Matt (38:12)

I like you.

Abby (38:13)

I love you.

Matt (38:13)

I love you very much. Next, we have. You should have the password to your partner's phone. I'm going to say strongly agree.

Abby (38:20)

Me too.

Matt (38:21)

Strongly agree. I think if you're. If you don't have the password to your partner's phone, it's like, why this actually makes me ask the question.

Abby (38:28)

Your phone is my phone.

Matt (38:29)

I know. We both. We both have the passwords of each other's phones. We both have each other's Instagram, I think, on each other's phone, too.

Abby (38:35)

And here's the thing. If you were to read my text, I wouldn't even be like, why are you reading my text?

Matt (38:39)

Yeah, I'd be like, yeah, read all the text you want, whatever.

Abby (38:41)

Yeah. And it's not like. And we don't do that because we have that open door policy.

Matt (38:45)

Yeah.

Abby (38:45)

I think if it was like, if there was a limitation there, I would be like, well, let me see. Like, what. What is it that that's hiding? Yeah.

Matt (38:52)

Yeah, I agree. I think that's. I think you should have the password. Next one is going through your partner's phone without asking is. Okay. Three, two, one. Strongly agree.

Abby (39:02)

Now, do we actually. Do. I strongly agree as well. But do we actually do this in practice? Maybe sometimes.

Matt (39:08)

Yeah.

Abby (39:08)

But never with, like a. When he's away. I'm gonna make sure that it's like, I'm curious.

Matt (39:14)

Yeah. When Abby texts her boyfriend, it bothers me a little bit, but, like, not.

Abby (39:20)

You can read anything I have.

Matt (39:21)

Thanks, baby.

Abby (39:22)

Yeah. So, no, I mean, it's like, yeah, I strongly agree that you should be Able to. Now, do I think it's healthy to do that regularly? Probably not. It might be indicative of some kind of trust issue.

Matt (39:33)

Yeah.

Abby (39:34)

But, yeah, you should be able to. Why not?

Matt (39:36)

Yeah, I agree.

Abby (39:37)

Let them. I don't know if that's the proper use of the theory.

Matt (39:41)

Okay, this one's interesting. I actually completely forget how I answered this one in the past, but it's. While married, it's possible to be close friends. Friends with someone else of the opposite sex.

Abby (39:51)

This is.

Matt (39:51)

That's not. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can already hear the comments. I mean, I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say disagree as well. I'm gonna say disagree like, I think, like, anytime I'm having a conversation with a woman that's not Abby, I feel like there's always someone else present. There's just. There's just never a time that I'm having a conversation with. I mean, maybe one time I had a conversation with our lawyer, and it was just me and her on the phone call.

Abby (40:18)

You can have a phone call with another.

Matt (40:20)

But I'm just like. I don't know. There's just not. I just don't even. It's like, why mess around with that?

Abby (40:25)

You know what?

Matt (40:27)

Like, why grow an intimate relationship with the opposite sex that's not your spouse. That's just playing with fire. And my. In my personal opinion, I think that.

Abby (40:35)

Can I just say something?

Matt (40:36)

What?

Abby (40:36)

This might sound like I'm getting on a soapbox. Maybe it is. But I know that there was a politician in the past.

Matt (40:42)

Oh, yeah, I know you got sick.

Abby (40:43)

That he was made fun of publicly for not wanting to be eating dinner or having a meeting with another woman.

Matt (40:50)

That wasn't his wife.

Abby (40:51)

And I think that is hypocritical because there is. I think it's a great thing. We've had a lot of conversations.

Matt (40:58)

You're saying you like that he made.

Abby (41:00)

Wait, let me. Let me say what I'm gonna say.

Matt (41:01)

Okay.

Abby (41:01)

I think the hypocrisy comes in the judgment of him being alone.

Matt (41:04)

Okay. Okay.

Abby (41:05)

Because we have made a lot of progress, and there's been so much conversation in the world and culture around boundaries. Amazing. Great thing in most cases, yet when he has this boundary, people are making fun of him for it.

Matt (41:19)

Yeah.

Abby (41:20)

That's crazy. And all I see when I hear about that is I don't look at an unstable marriage. I look at an extremely stable marriage because it's like they. They prioritize. So they hold what they have together so highly that they're gonna Put guardrails around. Around it.

Matt (41:39)

Yeah.

Abby (41:39)

Because it's like, this is so valuable that I don't even want to risk anything entering and cutting through this.

Matt (41:45)

What's thinking about, like, look, I grew up with all brothers, okay? So sometimes my emotional intelligence sucks butt cheeks. Okay.

Abby (41:52)

That's not an excuse.

Matt (41:53)

Let's take. That's not an excuse. So let's take. Let's take a dude that had all sisters, has extremely high emotional intelligence. Ten out of ten looks wise. I'm like a seven and a half. Okay. So you take this guy. And I feel like that's. I feel like that's being complimentary towards myself. I feel like I'm a good looking guy, but give myself seven and a half. So you take it. You take it. 10 out of 10. Looking good. Looking good, dude. Looking good, dude. This dude looks good. He has very high emotional intelligence. Put him in a room with Abby and it's like.

Abby (42:17)

And my clothes might just come off.

Matt (42:19)

Exactly. Exactly. And I wouldn't blame you. I. I wouldn't blame you. I'd be like, that's a hot guy. He is so good with his words.

Abby (42:26)

He has so good with his words. Just like you right there.

Matt (42:28)

Of course you had an affair. Like, I'm not. It's like, okay, you know, so it's like, don't even. Why even play. Why we even play with that line?

Abby (42:35)

Yeah, I don't. I think it's like if you really truly value and hold what you have sacred, then there's no reason to even mess around with it. It's like, it seems like it's just an easy trade off.

Matt (42:46)

Yeah.

Abby (42:47)

But I will say there are instances where it might be fine. Like, I would. I'm not saying I would never get a dinner alone with another man. I'm not saying that would never happen. I'm saying it would. There need to be some unique circumstances.

Matt (42:58)

For that next one. It's okay to be friends with your ex. You ready?

Abby (43:02)

I'm not gonna answer this 1.

Matt (43:03)

2. Why not answer this one?

Abby (43:04)

I can't speak to it. I don't have an ex.

Matt (43:06)

We both don't have X's, but I feel like we could still give our personal opinion. It's okay to be friends with an ex. 3, 2, 1.

Abby (43:13)

I'm saying agree.

Matt (43:14)

I'm gonna say agree. I think you can be friends. I think you should probably.

Abby (43:18)

I might have said disagree in the past, but I'm gonna say agree now.

Matt (43:20)

I think you should err on the side of acquaintances, though. Like, you don't want this person again. Right. Like, you take an attractive person who.

Abby (43:29)

Has high emotional boundaries with them.

Matt (43:31)

You got to have some boundaries. Because you just like.

Abby (43:33)

Because they also know you very intimately.

Matt (43:35)

And there's probably. There's a past. Right. There's something there. And you gotta just. Yeah. You gotta be careful with that. You know, I think. I think. Yeah. Having boundaries for yourself is a good thing because we're all human. Like, everybody makes mistakes. People do dumb.

Abby (43:49)

Also say, for instance, maybe one of your exes. Like, maybe you ended because they're gay. And in which case, I think you guys probably make excellent friends.

Matt (43:58)

That's true. Like, there was a friend.

Abby (43:59)

You could probably be best friends.

Matt (44:01)

Like, Abby and I weren't even married yet, and this dude, like, shared a bedroom with Abby, like, two nights in college, and I did not even care because he was gay. Like, it's like, yeah, who cares? Like, I don't think so. There you go.

Abby (44:12)

You just said I can't be friends with the opposite sex. But then I. You did share that. I shared my room in college with them.

Matt (44:18)

That's true. It does completely change things if they're gay.

Abby (44:21)

I would totally, totally.

Matt (44:22)

Like, would you care if I shared a room with a lesbian woman? Share to bed.

Abby (44:26)

Wow.

Matt (44:27)

I've never been present.

Abby (44:27)

I've never been presented with that.

Matt (44:29)

I guess I don't really have.

Abby (44:31)

I can't say I love it. I can't.

Matt (44:33)

Wait, why? Wait, really? I literally don't care if your friend. If you shared a bed with a gay guy, I would not care. I literally would not care. Like, why would I care? He's not attracted to women.

Abby (44:43)

Yeah, I know. I don't care if I. If I share a bed with a gay guy. I. I don't know. I've just never had to think about that. And I'm. My.

Matt (44:50)

The.

Abby (44:50)

The. The first initial processing is I don't love it. I don't know. I still don't.

Matt (44:54)

Oh, yeah. Okay. Hey, that's fine. You can have that opinion. Okay. White lies in a relationship are okay. White lies.

Abby (45:01)

What's the definition of white lie?

Matt (45:02)

Yeah, I feel like it's more so like, hey, babe, do I look good in this?

Abby (45:06)

And you say yes.

Matt (45:08)

Oh, what do I. Yeah, what do. I can't decide. Can I be neutral on this one? White lies in a relationship are okay. No, because, like, here's the thing. Like, I don't. Like, if you ask me my opinion on your outfit, I'm just gonna give you the honest truth. Yeah. And I've Gotten flack for that in the past. People are like, wow, it's so toxic. He said he didn't like that. Literally. Less last video of me rating your outfits. I think I gave the first one. Okay, let's say second one of four. And people were mad that I gave the second one.

Abby (45:37)

Shut up.

Matt (45:38)

I was being honest.

Abby (45:39)

Let them.

Matt (45:40)

I'm just. Let them. I'm just being honest, right? Like, I'm just giving you honest. I'm gonna go neutral on this because I think, like, there's.

Abby (45:45)

You know what I'm actually gonna say.

Matt (45:47)

There's been. Actually. I will say this. I can think of a time where you were, like, postpartum, and you just use white lies, right? Because it's like, you. You need confidence. You need to, like. You need to feel good about yourself.

Abby (46:00)

Okay, we'll say why. I'm gonna go.

Matt (46:02)

I'm gonna go with the. I'm gonna go with agree. Because it's like, sometimes you need. Like, out of love, you need to use a little bit of white lies every once in a while to look to love someone.

Abby (46:11)

Did I say I was. Do I look skinny? And you were like.

Matt (46:13)

I don't know what it was.

Abby (46:14)

I just can think, like, now I'm curious. And you know what? I'm actually okay in that situation. You lying to me. Me, I prefer that you lie to me in that situation.

Matt (46:21)

Give me knocks.

Abby (46:22)

I need it then. You know, I'm a little unstable at that point.

Matt (46:26)

Okay, we have. You would still be with me if I cheated? Wow. That. Holy crap.

Abby (46:33)

No, wait. So the layers that I'm thinking that you would still.

Matt (46:37)

I'm just thinking about you. I'm thinking about Abby. Three, three, two, one. I'm gonna say disagree. I think if I cheated, you would leave me. And I think, oh, yeah, I don't think I would leave. I. I don't think. I think I'd give it another chance. I would give you another chance.

Abby (46:53)

Do you think that I would leave you if you cheated on me?

Matt (46:56)

I feel like you have told me that, haven't you? I feel like you have. I feel like you've actually verbally said before. Maybe that was more of just like an emotionally, like.

Abby (47:06)

Actually, you know what I would get.

Matt (47:09)

It depends on the circumstances, probably.

Abby (47:15)

Can I be honest with you?

Matt (47:16)

Yeah, be honest.

Abby (47:17)

I would like to think that I would leave you if you cheated on me.

Matt (47:20)

Wow. See, I don't feel that same way. Like, it. I. Because. Because if you cheat. Well, if you. This is so weird that we're talking about this on a podcast. And it's like, literally.

Abby (47:31)

Maybe don't say it then. I don't know. What?

Matt (47:33)

No, I guess I'm just saying, like, I do. I do believe in second chances and I really like you as a person. So I feel like. Like we've been together for a decade. We have two children together now. We have a dog. I mean, like, we. We have so much so as. As. I feel like I would obviously be very, extremely, extremely devastated and hurt, but I think, like, I would want to give you a second chance, hoping that you actually wanted to. Like, if it was something that just kept happening. Absolutely not. You get out of that.

Abby (48:03)

Like, if I found out. I mean, people do find this out all the time. That someone's been cheating for seven years. Years.

Matt (48:08)

Yeah.

Abby (48:08)

If I found out something like that, it would have to be done. Like, it's like, how do you repeat that?

Matt (48:13)

Yeah.

Abby (48:14)

Time and time and time again. And it was a one off thing. You make a really good point. But even then, I'm still like, gosh, you had to cross so many boundaries to go all. I'm assuming we're talking about, like, yeah, an affair.

Matt (48:26)

Sexual, sexual affair. Like, not just an emotional affair.

Abby (48:30)

So many boundaries at that point.

Matt (48:32)

Yeah.

Abby (48:33)

That I would be like, I don't know how we could repair this. Yeah, well, I guess. I know you could. I know you could. I don't know that I'd be willing to read.

Matt (48:41)

I would honestly be impressed if you cheated on me, though, because it's like, we are around each other so much. For you to, like, cheat on me would be like, how did you pull?

Abby (48:49)

But also, you know that I would literally never, ever, ever, ever, ever. Which is hilarious that there was a time when people thought I wasn't loyal.

Matt (48:56)

Unless it was Usher, you know, Unless it was Usher.

Abby (48:58)

I am the most loyal.

Matt (49:00)

It's okay, you can say it. You know, we went to his concert. You're a huge Usher fan.

Abby (49:04)

You know you can have a hall.

Matt (49:06)

Pass for Usher, Babe.

Abby (49:07)

If the opportunity presented itself, I would literally laugh.

Matt (49:09)

I'd be like, would you kiss him if you. If I give you permission to kiss Usher. One little kiss.

Abby (49:14)

It would feel so weird. Once again, haven't considered that one before.

Matt (49:20)

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Abby (49:32)

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Abby (49:58)

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Matt (50:37)

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Matt (51:22)

Next. What we have is. I have considered cheating. What? Holy wow. We are going so.

Abby (51:29)

Okay, Alistair.

Matt (51:30)

So hard. Okay.

Abby (51:32)

Whoa.

Matt (51:33)

Wow. That.

Abby (51:34)

That's easy. Strongly disagree.

Matt (51:36)

Strongly disagree.

Abby (51:39)

Dear God, why do you look so guilty? Matt Howard?

Matt (51:44)

Oh my gosh. Okay, do you count as you count a dream? Like having a dream? Does that count? No, because Your brain isn't.

Abby (51:51)

No, dreams do not count.

Matt (51:52)

Okay, so I'm gonna say disagree. I'm gonna say disagree.

Abby (51:54)

Then I'm saying strongly disagree.

Matt (51:56)

But. But like a dream is like. I don't know, like, what is that? Is that your subconscious? Is that like, what do you.

Abby (52:02)

My. My subconscious does wacky things to me.

Matt (52:05)

Have you cheated on me? And you have cheated on me in your, in your dreams. We both cheated on each other in dreams.

Abby (52:10)

That doesn't count. That's not cheating. That's not considering cheese cheating.

Matt (52:15)

Oh, yeah. Next up we have is I have considered divorce.

Abby (52:19)

Whoa.

Matt (52:19)

This is.

Abby (52:20)

This is not something you should talk about on a podcast.

Matt (52:22)

I know. We've actually done that one before, though. We haven't. We've answered that before.

Abby (52:25)

Okay.

Matt (52:26)

I think we both said yes in the past, so I think we can just both say yes. I think we both said agree. I've considered divorce. And we both said agree.

Abby (52:32)

Oh, I was about to say disagree.

Matt (52:34)

We both said agree last time, which means that we both agree. I mean, that's what we supposed said.

Abby (52:39)

We said agree.

Matt (52:40)

We both said that we. Yeah, we said agree. I've considered divorce. We both said that on the. When we did this on our YouTube channel.

Abby (52:45)

Oh, my gosh.

Matt (52:46)

Yeah, we. We went there.

Abby (52:47)

Matt, that's crazy.

Matt (52:48)

I know. It's. It's crazy how much we've shared with. With the Internet. It's crazy, dude. Isn't that crazy?

Abby (52:58)

Well, I guess I have.

Matt (52:59)

I feel like couples that say they haven't are either in just the most magical whoopty doo marriage or they're liars, you know?

Abby (53:07)

Well, no, no, I don't think those are the only two options. There's a shade of gray here.

Matt (53:11)

What's the shade of gray?

Abby (53:12)

What's your definition of considered?

Matt (53:14)

That's true. That's true.

Abby (53:16)

Like, I feel like for me about it. Yeah, I think that for me, if.

Matt (53:18)

You entertain the thought, if you're thought.

Abby (53:20)

If you've thought about it, then for me, my mind, you've considered it. And so therefore that's probably why I said agree.

Matt (53:24)

So I'm reading a book right now by an author that we're gonna have on our podcast soon. And something he says in his book is when you marry someone, you're choosing the person you're gonna have your fights with, your conflicts with, your problems with. It's just is like when you get married, it's not all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Maybe it is for a little bit, I'm sure. And hopefully you married someone that you can have a lot of sunshine and rainbows with. Hopefully it's one that you, like, have so much chemistry with, and it's great, and that's how I feel about you. But it's also, like, when we married, we also chose that you're the person that I'm gonna have disagreements with.

Abby (53:55)

Well, totally. And I think that in marriage, like, when things come up, a lot of things, it's not even related to one another. It's life happening, and you're living within a marriage, so then it, like, affects your marriage.

Matt (54:04)

And when things get hard, I think sometimes, especially if it's really, really hard, your brain goes to crazy extreme sometimes and it wanders.

Abby (54:10)

Right.

Matt (54:11)

Wow. Would divorce fix this? Oh, if I get. If I got divorced, would it make me happier? Would I feel free? Would I. Oh, I could discover who I am. Like, there's all these things that come up. Right. And. And I think for some people, that really is the answer. I think there's some people that are in very abusive relationships.

Abby (54:25)

Totally.

Matt (54:26)

And then I think there's also people that are maybe.

Abby (54:27)

I also don't think that you should just. Just stay married because you're too stubborn.

Matt (54:33)

To get divorced because of your religion, because of your beliefs. Like, and I think a lot of people stay in unhealthy marriages because of that. And there's even people, like, there's Dateline episodes of people that are, like, highly religious and they don't want. And they just kill their spouse because they don't want to get that public backlash. It's like, dude, screw the people that just choose selfishness over going through some discomfort of, like. Yeah, just.

Abby (54:56)

Yeah, I would just say. Yeah, if you've. Are. You're talking about thinking about it, and it's also just, like, hard not to. Divorce is talked about all the time.

Matt (55:03)

Yeah.

Abby (55:04)

And it's. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Thought. A thought has entered my head.

Matt (55:10)

Yeah. We've both had that thought before. And so I think that's cool that we can both acknowledge that and recognize that we didn't.

Abby (55:17)

We didn't go forward with that.

Matt (55:18)

We did. And I think having. I think it makes our marriage even stronger that we can be honest with each other. We don't have to, like, play. Play games. Play pretend.

Abby (55:25)

No, pretend.

Matt (55:26)

It's really cool that we can just be real.

Abby (55:28)

Yeah, I would agree. Love you.

Matt (55:30)

Okay. One of us is still grieving the miscarriage more than the other. Holy crap. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say we're both saying. Agree.

Abby (55:39)

Yeah.

Matt (55:39)

We're both. I think that's normal.

Abby (55:41)

Yeah.

Matt (55:41)

And I think that's what causes a lot of fights with.

Abby (55:44)

Yeah.

Matt (55:44)

I think that's why people get divorces when they lose a child, because I can't imagine, like, what we went through with the miscarriage is horrific. Imagine having a kid get hit by a car or a spouse running over a kid. Like, there's just so many horrible, horrible things that can happen. And that's why those marriages don't work out, because people grieve differently, and then it becomes this conflict of f. You.

Abby (56:07)

Well, they also.

Matt (56:08)

You don't even care about our kid.

Abby (56:09)

Grief is like a fingerprint. It's unique to everybody. And even though we have the same situation, we have a different fingerprint of this grief. And so, yeah, those just look differently.

Matt (56:22)

Yeah. I love you.

Abby (56:25)

Love you.

Matt (56:26)

We rushed our healing after the miscarriage. 3, 2, 1. I say disagree.

Abby (56:35)

I'm saying agree, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think when you're saying you rush something, it does have a negative connotation, really. I'm acknowledging that, but I'm not saying. I'm saying agree on the terms of, like, I definitely tried to expedite it.

Matt (56:49)

Yeah.

Abby (56:49)

Because. And here's why. Life's still moving on. I have two little kids. I was made so aware right. When they told us what had happened, that I was like, holy crap.

Matt (57:01)

Yeah.

Abby (57:02)

Life is still gonna keep barreling towards it, towards me, and I ha. And I want to be on board. I want to be on board for that. And so I'm going to do the things I need to do to face it all so head on. So I. I face it head on. And I'm. And I think rush means that I skipped steps. I did not. I just expedited it. I moved it forward quicker. And I think that there's still residual things that I'm feeling, but I was really intentional about feeling everything, saying everything, pausing everything for those first two weeks. And then I was like, I want to get back on the train of life. Like, I want to keep going forward.

Matt (57:45)

It was interesting, like, from my perspective, how I, like, almost dissociated.

Abby (57:49)

Yeah, you dissociated for, like, a month.

Matt (57:52)

And then it hit me so hard.

Abby (57:55)

Yeah.

Matt (57:56)

And then it was just like. I remember crying in therapy, and our therapist was like, this is the first time I've seen you, like, break down. Because it was just, like, real. I. Because I had this, like, we. I had this realization in therapy that, like, what frick. What? What Hurt was realizing, like, all the excitement I had about our daughter and meeting her and knowing that that was never going to happen, and that was what was so hard.

Abby (58:31)

Mm.

Matt (58:34)

So I think February's gonna suck and I want to get the heck out of here in February. And hopefully my. My, like, coping mechanism is to dissociate and just get a get away.

Abby (58:46)

Is it actually coping, though?

Matt (58:47)

I don't know. I don't know if that's right. I don't know what's. We'll have to keep talking to our therapist, but, like, yeah, it's. I think the closer we get to the. To the due date is just, like, the harder it gets.

Abby (58:58)

Mm. Yeah. I hope that doesn't mean that. I want to specify that this does not mean that I believe I skipped any steps or I'm not still suffering.

Matt (59:08)

Yeah.

Abby (59:09)

It's just that I did really try to face it all head on because I knew that I had responsibilities that were very important to me still, which was our children, which was our life. Because here's the thing. I knew from the beginning that I could completely remove myself and that that would have probably felt good to just remove and not engage in life for a while. But I ultimately had to make a choice, and I didn't choose that.

Matt (59:42)

So our puppy made our marriage harder. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say disagree.

Abby (59:50)

I don't think the puppy has affected our marriage at this point.

Matt (59:53)

Absolutely not. I think it's made it better. I feel like. I mean.

Abby (59:55)

Yeah, it hasn't made it better or worse.

Matt (59:57)

I actually think today I was like, I love that we have a dog.

Abby (59:59)

Yeah, she's a blast.

Matt (60:00)

I literally had that thought so many times today. Just. I love it.

Abby (60:03)

It wasn't this earth shattering thing that I thought it would be.

Matt (60:06)

No. It's so easy after.

Abby (60:08)

It was really casual.

Matt (60:09)

You have an easy puppy. But like, after having kids.

Abby (60:11)

Well, it's also an easy circumstances. Like, we're home all the time.

Matt (60:14)

We work from home.

Abby (60:15)

Yeah. So it's really chill.

Matt (60:17)

She's great. I love.

Abby (60:17)

We love that girl.

Matt (60:19)

Money doesn't buy happiness. I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say agree.

Abby (60:23)

I'm gonna say. I was gonna say strongly agree, but I'm just gonna say agree.

Matt (60:27)

Yeah. Because I think I'm not.

Abby (60:28)

That comes from a place of privilege.

Matt (60:30)

Yeah, that comes from a place of privilege for sure. But yeah, I think the reason I didn't say strongly, strongly agree is because, like, money, definitely, like, if, if, if you have money to pay for food, your shelter, you Know your. Your medical expenses, because, gosh, like, we both know how crazy medical expenses can be in America after getting some crazy medical bills. It's. It's. Makes me. It actually makes me mad because, like, we are. We're privileged. We've made decent money from our social media.

Abby (60:59)

Oh, yeah.

Matt (61:00)

More than decent money.

Abby (61:01)

Yes.

Matt (61:01)

And. And still these bills shock us sometimes. We're like, how the hell is this whatever, you know, insert dollar amount. So it makes me sad that there's people that get, like, trapped in, like, medical debt.

Abby (61:13)

Oh, my gosh. Absolutely.

Matt (61:15)

In our country, where we're the richest.

Abby (61:16)

Country in the world, I know someone that was faced with a situation where they were. Their kids, it was a matter of life and death for their children, and they couldn't afford the cost of care. And I'm like, at that point, money would certainly have bought her happiness, and a strong amount of money would definitely have bought her happiness. But it's not the money at that point.

Matt (61:36)

Yeah.

Abby (61:37)

It's the things that your money can do for you.

Matt (61:39)

Yeah.

Abby (61:40)

And so it's like, I hate reducing it to the money because it's like just having that amount of money and not what it would do for her. Wouldn't do anything.

Matt (61:46)

You know what Jeff from Beast Game said is, like, the cure to these rare diseases is having a celebrity that. With a kid that has the disease. Because then you have all this. All this money and attention, really more so than money is the attention so that you can, like, bring attention to scientists and to wealthy people to help find a cure.

Abby (62:04)

And so, yeah, so I just don't think it's like, oh, no, it's not money to buy all these nice cars and these nice houses. It's just like, it can be so much more serious than that.

Matt (62:13)

I think when it comes down to health, money buys happiness. When it comes to health, for sure.

Abby (62:17)

And safety, too. Yeah, safety for your family, like that. That would definitely make you feel happy.

Matt (62:23)

Yeah. I think maybe the answer is, like, when it comes to. Aside from having your basic needs, money does not buy happiness 1000%. Okay. We don't give each other enough emotional support. We're. We're going. We're going for the crazy questions today. Three, two, one.

Abby (62:43)

I was gonna say strongly disagree.

Matt (62:44)

I'm saying disagree. Feel like Abby and I, this is vulnerable. We had a really, really good conversation yesterday where I just felt, like, so seen emotionally, and it just. I feel like our marriage is stronger than ever. And so. Yeah. What about you?

Abby (63:03)

Yeah, I, like, I feel like we talk about our Feelings a lot to each other. So I'm like. I feel like that's. It's like, gosh, every day. So I feel like we talk about that a lot. We also have opportunities to be asked really deep questions because of going to therapy together and because of just the nature of you. Like, you're a curious guy. We have a lot of, like. Like, thought provoking conversations. I feel like there's, like, a lot of space for that in our. In our marriage. So, yeah, I would say we talk about feelings quite a bit more than the average couple, probably.

Matt (63:34)

Next question.

Abby (63:35)

We also just talk way more than the average couple.

Matt (63:37)

We do. We really do. Next question is we don't make each other a priority anymore. Three, two, one. Disagree.

Abby (63:44)

I'm gonna disagree too.

Matt (63:45)

Disagree. Yeah. It's just we prioritize each other.

Abby (63:50)

Yeah.

Matt (63:51)

Think you do that for me? I think I do that for you.

Abby (63:53)

Yeah.

Matt (63:53)

I think you're pretty cool.

Abby (63:55)

Think you're awesome.

Matt (63:55)

We're more like roommates than romantic partners lately. Wow. These questions.

Abby (63:59)

These are so inappropriate to answer. I know.

Matt (64:00)

These are like.

Abby (64:04)

Wow, okay.

Matt (64:05)

We're more like roommates than romantic partners lately, obviously. Disagree.

Abby (64:08)

I'd say disagree or strongly disagree.

Matt (64:10)

Okay, hold up. Strongly disagree.

Abby (64:11)

If we were doing this with a roommate, I would have major problems.

Matt (64:14)

Yeah, we have way. Our. Our. Our. Our relationship is way too intimate to just be roommates.

Abby (64:19)

Yeah.

Matt (64:20)

Okay.

Abby (64:20)

Yeah.

Matt (64:21)

I'm not sleeping in the closet anymore. I said I'm not sleeping in the closet anymore, even. Oh, sorry. That was a joke. That was a stupid joke. We actually had a really good relationship when I was in the closet, too. That sounded so weird. Well, yeah, for those of you that don't know, there's been times in our marriage where we've slept in different rooms for various reasons and we.

Abby (64:42)

And I'm talking about, like, for, like, weeks at a time.

Matt (64:45)

We're talking months. Yeah. Yeah, I think. I think that's. I think that's where, like, tabloids and Internet drama channels have, like, had a heyday with stuff like that.

Abby (64:53)

Don't even let them.

Matt (64:54)

Yeah, let them. We're gonna let them. Let them. Yeah. I feel great about our marriage things. Great. Abby starts more arguments.

Abby (65:04)

Wow.

Matt (65:05)

Abby starts more arguments. Okay. You got your answer locked in.

Abby (65:10)

Yeah.

Matt (65:10)

Okay. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say agree. Why do you agree with that?

Abby (65:19)

Because I do a lot more thinking than you do about our relationship.

Matt (65:27)

That's so funny. I love you.

Abby (65:29)

Love you.

Matt (65:29)

I love you. I think you're. I think you're awesome.

Abby (65:32)

Thanks, honey.

Matt (65:33)

And I think you're really funny. I think you're so pretty.

Abby (65:36)

Thanks.

Matt (65:38)

Abby does more of the housework. 3. Housework, housework. 3, 2, 1. I say, agree, agree.

Abby (65:46)

We're both start arguments, but I clean it up.

Matt (65:52)

Yeah. I think it's just like we've kind of always fallen into, I mean, we said, we've said before traditional roles, but we don't really.

Abby (65:59)

Can we also say something too?

Matt (66:01)

Yeah.

Abby (66:02)

We have the amazing privilege of having cleaners. It's not like I'm scrubbing.

Matt (66:06)

That's true. We have our cleaners come every other week and they do an amazing job.

Abby (66:09)

Not like I'm breaking my back over here. Like, we have a lot of support and that's.

Matt (66:13)

And on the night, honestly, like the.

Abby (66:15)

Most valuable thing, I like, I love and value their. What they do for us so much.

Matt (66:21)

And when in the days that you don't feel like, like cleaning and cooking, I don't. I either clean or cook or we do takeout, you know, like, it's that, that it's that simple.

Abby (66:30)

Serious.

Matt (66:30)

It's not that serious. There's actually been a lot of times where I've begged Abby to not cook because she's like, tired and I'm like, babe, let's just order food. I like it. And she's like, I want to cook because I like a home cooked meal.

Abby (66:40)

I love a home cooked meal and.

Matt (66:41)

I want to do it. Can you go take the kids to the park? And I'm like, okay.

Abby (66:44)

I want to listen to my podcast and make soup. Dear.

Matt (66:46)

Yeah. Dear God, Dear God. Thank you to Storyworth for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Growing up, my dad would tell me stories about his childhood and how him and his brother at one point used to raise goats and have to wake up at like 5 o' clock in the morning before school to milk the goats. Because I guess that's what his dad decided they needed to do as a family to just help pay the bills when they lived in Illinois. I don't know. Crazy, but it's details like this that I want to share with my kids and help my father also pass on to his grandchildren. And that's why I recommend Storyworth memoirs for your loved ones this holiday season. It might sound a little intimidating, but it's so easy and to love it.

Abby (67:25)

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Matt (67:43)

After a year, Storyworth compiles your loved one's stories and photos printed in a vibrant color in a beautiful keepsake hardcover book. This year, they added a bunch of new features to make storytelling even easier with personalized questions and a magic essay.

Abby (67:58)

Their magic layout and new book designs make finished books look even more beautiful. Storworth has printed over a million books and preserved 35 million family stories since their founding 13 years ago. They have over 48,000 five star reviews on Trustpilot.

Matt (68:12)

Give your loved ones a unique keepsake you'll all cherish for years. Storyworth memoirs right now save $10 or more during their holiday sale when you go to storyworth.comunplanned. that's storyworth.comunplanned to save $10 or more on your order. Okay, next is. We haven't fully recovered from our last big fight. We have. Wow, these are so crazy. These questions do not. This is like a therapy session. You guys are like, in on therapy today. This is so inappropriate.

Abby (68:44)

I'm gonna say strongly.

Matt (68:45)

I feel like I'm gonna say strongly disagree too. Holy crap. Did you guys hear that? That our kids are getting out of bed right now and our. Our grandma's with them upstairs while they're waking up from their naps. And I think they're just like jumping from the top bunk onto the floor, which is right above our. Which is above the studio. So hilarious. Okay. Yeah, Strongly disagree. I feel like our marriage is in a great spot, which is. Honestly, I feel like we wouldn't have filmed this video if our marriage wasn't a good spot. Like, this would not be healthy to make.

Abby (69:10)

Yeah, that would be a bad idea.

Matt (69:11)

That'd be a horrible idea to make a video for the Internet with our marriage being in a not good place. Okay, well, now we're entering level three. Should we just rapid fire these?

Abby (69:22)

Yeah. Explanation.

Matt (69:24)

No. Okay.

Abby (69:25)

I don't think I'll be able to do that.

Matt (69:27)

Rapid fire, people. We. These are high stakes. These are high. These are high stakes level three. We wouldn't be together today if we met for the first time now.

Abby (69:36)

Okay.

Matt (69:37)

If we, like, just met for the first time now.

Abby (69:41)

I'm gonna. I got my answer.

Matt (69:42)

Okay. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say where's the disagree? I can't find. I have a disagree, but there's another one right here. Okay. Disagree. I say Disagree. I just think you're someone that I'm fundamentally attracted to physically and emotionally. Yeah, that's. It's really that simple.

Abby (69:59)

Disagree.

Matt (70:00)

Disagree. Soulmates are not real. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say strongly.

Abby (70:07)

I'm gonna say strongly. Agree.

Matt (70:08)

Strongly agree. I think, Abby, as much as I would love to believe that I'm the only person for her on this planet, I'm sure there's millions of other dudes that she could be married to. Do. I honestly just think that there. And there's probably better people. Better fits for her than me. Like, there probably are. There's more attractive guys, people that have more emotional understanding of their emotions and your emotions and probably grew up with, like, a bunch of sisters, and they just, like, understand women at, like, such a deep level. Probably way better fit. But. What. For whatever reason, we ended up together, and I feel so lucky that I get to be married to you. And I think we are constantly teaching each other new things and we're growing together, and I feel very lucky. So.

Abby (70:44)

Yeah. I think love is more romantic. I think love is more romantic if it's not something that you were just. You fall into.

Matt (70:52)

Wait, this is actually funny because the next question is there is someone more compatible for you out there?

Abby (70:58)

Oh.

Matt (70:59)

And I'm thinking I. I read that. As for you, like, more compatible for you. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna answer that. I'm gonna answer that one agree. Because I just think.

Abby (71:07)

I agree.

Matt (71:07)

I think pure. If you look at pure data, pure statistical odds. If you're beat. If you're going to like, math and stuff. Yeah. There's a hundred. Yeah.

Abby (71:15)

There's relatively no purpose in even thinking about.

Matt (71:17)

Exactly. Exactly. I mean, maybe if our marriage was like, there's some really effed up stuff going on.

Abby (71:22)

Can I also say I have an argument for disagree for that as well? Because I think we see this happen a lot.

Matt (71:27)

True.

Abby (71:27)

Where people leave their marriage.

Matt (71:29)

Yeah.

Abby (71:29)

And because they think they're more compatible with someone else. But maybe that's not. Maybe they are more compatible. But guess what? It still doesn't end up working.

Matt (71:35)

You've trained me to be the husband you want. I've trained you to be the wife. Wife. I want you to.

Abby (71:39)

Because obviously way more important is that you choose to be married. I think we choose to work on your marriage.

Matt (71:46)

Like, I think we were talking about intimacy the other day, and it was like, we both know what we love in the bedroom. So it's like, man, gosh, if we got remarried, I want to train Someone. Yeah. Training someone else. That's like a whole entire under. That's a 10 year process. We've been. I mean, that's 10 years. We've been together for a decade. We've been together for a decade. We've been having sex for seven of those.

Abby (72:05)

Wow. Let's just give them the stats.

Matt (72:07)

Right. Like, we. We waited till marriage, but yeah, I mean, it's like, gosh, we, like, really understand what each other likes, which is cool.

Abby (72:13)

This got in a whole different direction.

Matt (72:15)

Our marriage hasn't fully healed and we both know it. I'm guessing this is about miscarriage. Our marriage hasn't fully healed and we both know it.

Abby (72:22)

Oh, I'm gonna disagree on that one.

Matt (72:25)

Yeah.

Abby (72:25)

I don't think our marriage. I think our marriage changed. I don't think our marriage took a hit.

Matt (72:30)

Yeah, it didn't. I'm gonna say. I'll say. I'll say disagree as well. I think. I think, like, grieving is still something that we're both going through and learning about. But, yeah, I think that we're. I think we've healed so much.

Abby (72:42)

Well, I'm not healed from a miscarriage.

Matt (72:44)

Oh. Yeah.

Abby (72:44)

But I'm saying, like, I think our marriage isn't what took a hit. I think me as a person, like, I grieved and I think that I've definitely healed a lot.

Matt (72:54)

Yeah.

Abby (72:54)

But definitely not done healing.

Matt (72:56)

I have thought about what life would look like without my spouse, like, assuming. I guess, like, this is kind of like back to the divorce one. Or maybe. Or maybe like with the death, like, if one of us died, I'm gonna say agree. Yeah, I'm gonna say agree. I've thought about that.

Abby (73:10)

Scary. That's why I get so. That's why I always say my worst fear is, like, losing you. Because, like, and I don't. And I. I'm hesitant to even say that because I feel like that is so insensitive to people that have had to deal with the reality of losing a spouse young. Like, I don't. I don't mean it's something that would end my life or, like, there's no future for me, but, like. Like, I just don't. I don't surely would never choose to have to deal with that reality.

Matt (73:36)

This is such a dark thought. But why the other day was I, like, I almost want to experience, like. Like be in the room with someone that, like, that passes. Like, like, maybe it's like set like an old person in a nursing home and, like, we form a relationship and then I.

Abby (73:53)

That would probably change you.

Matt (73:54)

That's what I'm saying. Like, I think it would give me perspective on life and perspective on, like, how temporary it is. And, like, I just had this realization.

Abby (74:00)

Hospice nurses.

Matt (74:01)

Because I think. Well, I think for me, I think a fear that I have is death.

Abby (74:04)

Yeah.

Matt (74:04)

Like, I think. And I think a lot of people fear death. And to experience that, I think would give you some peace, knowing, like, you can be surrounded by your loved ones and your family, or like, you. You experience, you see someone die and you know, like, hey, it's not this horrible, scary thing, you know, and it actually can be a quite peaceful thing. I don't know. But, yeah, I've definitely thought about, like, are we. Are we good if I. If I leave you with, like, alone? Like, if I die in a car crash or something? Like, are you okay? So I thought about both situations. Very scary stuff. But I've thought about it, and I don't like to think about stuff like that. Yeah, I know we're not on the same page about having another baby. Three, two, one.

Abby (74:47)

I'm saying strongly disagree. We both are saying strongly disagree.

Matt (74:50)

Strongly disagree. We're on the. We've. We've never been on more of the same page. Yeah, having another baby scares me. Three, two, one. I'm gonna say agree.

Abby (75:01)

I'm saying strong, scary.

Matt (75:02)

It's scary. I mean, like, thinking about after miscarriage, having another kid, you just, like, all. The only thought that goes through my head is like, I hope that doesn't happen again. I hope that doesn't happen again. I hope that, like, it's just really scary.

Abby (75:15)

On the flip side, I will say, like, there's also hope in that thought. There's actually a lot of hope for me in that thought. Like, the thought of having, like. I keep calling it, like, a redemptive pregnancy, but a pregnancy where we get to hold a healthy baby at the end. Like, that. That picture in my head gives me a lot of hope, but, gosh, so much fear.

Matt (75:42)

Next one we have is we expect too much from each other.

Abby (75:46)

I don't know if we currently are, but I think that's something that we have slipped into in the past for sure.

Matt (75:50)

Oh, yeah. I don't think we currently. I agree we're not currently expecting too much. I would agree that we have expected too much from each other in the past, for sure. Because I think we both see everything that we do, and it's like, yo, I'm doing all of this. How are you just doing that? Yeah, because we're not aware of what the other one's doing.

Abby (76:09)

Doing. We are aware, but I think we also just supposed to have different capacities.

Matt (76:12)

Yeah. And it's. It's, like, common, I think, in marriage for people to. Yeah. They see everything that they're doing, and then they are like, how's my spouse not doing this? Or they're not prioritizing the things that I want to prioritize. And I think it comes down to needing to have more communication about those things and also being flexible.

Abby (76:30)

Adjusting your expectations.

Matt (76:31)

Yeah. Next we have flirting is cheating.

Abby (76:37)

I'm gonna say disagree.

Matt (76:39)

Getting back into the juice. Yeah, I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say disagree.

Abby (76:42)

I disagree. Because here's the thing. Cheating is cheating.

Matt (76:45)

I'm gonna say. Sorry. I'm gonna say strong or is there a strongly disagree? I'm gonna say strongly disagree.

Abby (76:51)

Okay. But here's the thing. It doesn't make it okay.

Matt (76:53)

Doesn't make it okay. I think flirting is flirting.

Abby (76:55)

I think flirting is not okay.

Matt (76:57)

It bugs me. This is actually a big thing that I've realized. It bugs me when I hear that someone has cheated on their spouse, and then you find out that they, like, had an emotional affair where they were, like, had an emotional. They were talking with someone. That's not cheating, in my opinion. And luckily, we've never both. We've both never had that ever happen even close in our marriage. But, like, in my book, cheating is effing another person. In my book.

Abby (77:19)

But also, having an emotional affair is not okay.

Matt (77:21)

Exactly. So. Exactly. But I think you need to call it an emotional affair.

Abby (77:25)

Call it what it is, but it's still not okay.

Matt (77:27)

Exactly. So it's like, call it. It flirting with someone that's not your spouse. Not okay. Call it emotional.

Abby (77:33)

I like that you said that you can flirt with your spouse because I think that is something that people forget to do with their.

Matt (77:37)

Oh, yeah, we flirt. I like to flirt with you.

Abby (77:39)

You do flirt with me.

Matt (77:40)

I think you're hot.

Abby (77:41)

I think I probably need to flirt with you more.

Matt (77:42)

I like flirting with you, but, yeah, I just think let's call it cheating. Let's just like, let's. Can we just have a clear definition of cheating, please?

Abby (77:49)

Well, I think other people have a clear definition in their mind, but for you, it's sexual. And I think for me too, I.

Matt (77:54)

Think for most people, it's sexual.

Abby (77:56)

Adultery.

Matt (77:57)

Adultery.

Abby (77:58)

But adultery is not cheating. Well, adultery is cheating, but it's all cheating. Adultery.

Matt (78:02)

No, we've changed so much that we're not the same. People we married. Oh, my gosh.

Abby (78:06)

Strongly agree.

Matt (78:08)

Strongly agree. Strongly agree. We're both completely different. How could you not be After a decade? Gosh. A decade is this, babe, this summer in June. One decade together. How unreal.

Abby (78:18)

Yeah. Wow.

Matt (78:20)

One of us carries most of the mental load in the relationship. Gosh. I just don't feel that way. I know I'm kind of breaking the rule. If I'm not doing the countdown and.

Abby (78:26)

And showing I'm disagree.

Matt (78:28)

I'm gonna say disagree.

Abby (78:30)

It's just. We just carry different mental loads.

Matt (78:33)

Yeah. I think you're thinking about, like, you're thinking about things that are important.

Abby (78:36)

Milk in the fridge.

Matt (78:37)

Yeah. And I'm. And I'm.

Abby (78:38)

You're talking about money in the bank account.

Matt (78:40)

Exactly. That's actually the most. The best way to put it. Really?

Abby (78:43)

Yeah. Like, money to buy the milk. I'm thinking about the milk.

Matt (78:46)

Like, you. Sometimes I think you get caught up in, oh, my God, like, we don't have milk. We just. Like, our house is a mess, all this. And I'm like. I'm like, babe, we are good. Like, I looked at the bank account. We're good.

Abby (78:56)

I think it's just weird we have different mental burdens.

Matt (78:58)

Yeah.

Abby (78:59)

Gosh.

Matt (78:59)

We only have a couple questions left.

Abby (79:00)

Okay.

Matt (79:01)

These are good ones. Spending your whole life with one person is overwhelming.

Abby (79:06)

I'm actually gonna say strongly disagree. I think what's overwhelming is the thought of you not being here, because I just have written you into every corner of my life at this point, that it's like, whoa, I'd have to rewrite my entire life at this point if you weren't there.

Matt (79:21)

I think it'd be harder to, like, bounce around all the time, go different places.

Abby (79:25)

Like, to have to fill someone in on all of our history.

Matt (79:28)

Yeah.

Abby (79:29)

To have to tell someone, oh, this is what my aunt's name is. This is what happened to my dog that I had in eighth grade. Like, it's just, I would not want to go, and you can't rebuild that.

Matt (79:41)

How do I mean, like, think about how. How the heck would I teach other people what I like in the bedroom? You know, after all, why is that.

Abby (79:47)

What keeps getting brought up? It was like, the show. Nobody wants this.

Matt (79:51)

We do like to have to. We actually do like to talk about sex, if you guys don't know that. We have talked about it a lot on the podcast. I've seen some comments. They're like, why don't you talk about sex all the time? It's like, because we like to Talk about it. Let's.

Abby (80:00)

Let us.

Matt (80:01)

Let us.

Abby (80:01)

Let us.

Matt (80:02)

Let us. Let us talk about what we want to talk about. It's our podcast.

Abby (80:07)

No, that was actually on Nobody Wants this. She was engaged to this guy, and they were, like, at dinner with friends, and it came up that he had a twin brother. And she goes, you have a twin brother? And he goes, yeah. She's like, why did I not know that? And he goes, you never asked. She's like, that's not something I should have to ask.

Matt (80:22)

Yeah, that is weird.

Abby (80:23)

Comes up.

Matt (80:24)

Dude, that would be weird. Like, if you had a twin, that would be weird. That just would be. That just. Wouldn't that not be weird? Like, I don't know how people like people that.

Abby (80:32)

Are you telling me you would be attracted to an exact copy of me?

Matt (80:36)

A hundred percent. Wow. One hundred percent. It's. That was fun. With the Brooklyn and Bailey episode, we got them to admit that they've both been like, it's weird. It can be weird. Then I like that they acknowledged it was weird, you know, because Brooklyn and Bailey look the exact same. How could their husbands not find the.

Abby (80:52)

Other one kind of different?

Matt (80:53)

Okay. Very subtly.

Abby (80:55)

Okay.

Matt (80:55)

But, like, They've even filmed YouTube videos where the husbands got confused.

Abby (80:59)

That's playing with fire.

Matt (81:00)

They. Yeah, they confused their husband. I thought that was. That was hilarious.

Abby (81:04)

That is a good one.

Matt (81:05)

Ballsy to do that. Okay. And finally, last but not least, I wish I had kissed someone else before marriage.

Abby (81:14)

So for those of you that don't know, we actually really only kissed each other before marriage. But let's give a caveat. You did in Truth or Dare.

Matt (81:22)

In seventh grade.

Abby (81:23)

In seventh grade. And we also both did for theater.

Matt (81:27)

But the guy you kissed was gay, so it doesn't count. The girl you kissed was also gay, So I guess.

Abby (81:35)

Do we know that? Do we know that? I'm pretty sure we're not gonna speak for them, but yeah. And I don't know if that makes it not count either.

Matt (81:41)

Yeah, you know, it counted.

Abby (81:42)

It counted.

Matt (81:42)

So we kiss other people.

Abby (81:44)

Okay. Let's just say agree. Come on. Who can say that? The curiosity grass.

Matt (81:48)

Agree. I wish I'd kissed someone else before I kissed you. Why not?

Abby (81:51)

I think we have something really special. Because we haven't. So maybe I will say disagree.

Matt (81:56)

Wait, why would you say wait? You went from agree to disagree.

Abby (81:58)

Because it's really special that we haven't.

Matt (82:01)

Yeah. Yeah. But we also have, like, it. It's like, how are you? What's the. Claire.

Abby (82:06)

I guess I don't hold that much weight to my lips. Touching another person's lips. So maybe agree, because it sounds kind of. Yeah, it sounds like it would have been kind of fun on New Year's Eve to just kiss a random dude that I never saw again.

Matt (82:18)

Totally. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

Abby (82:19)

Like, that was a prank I pulled on you in high school.

Matt (82:21)

You did pull that prank. And I. I made me sad, but I. But I also thought you actually did it.

Abby (82:28)

See, it made you sad.

Matt (82:29)

Yeah. Remember, your friends were, like, laughing like, you really got me. I really believe that you'd kiss another dude.

Abby (82:35)

Oh, that's actually kind of mean.

Matt (82:36)

It's okay. It's all good.

Abby (82:37)

I didn't want to make you sad.

Matt (82:39)

It's okay.

Abby (82:40)

Okay.

Matt (82:40)

No, but I think I'm talking about before we date.

Abby (82:42)

It. I think I agree.

Matt (82:43)

I just think that, like, I was too afraid to ask girls out. I think I had this moment, though. The reason I asked you out is it was like, my 18th birthday, and I was like, I'm becoming a man in. I need to grow a pair and ask this girl out on a date, you know? So, like, sparks something in me.

Abby (83:00)

That's cute.

Matt (83:00)

But, like, I wish I would have been a little bit more bolder when I was younger. To not be afraid.

Abby (83:05)

That wasn't my issue.

Matt (83:05)

To not be afraid. And. And I'm. And I. And I say that knowing that I'm like, I'm glad that I married you. And I. And I.

Abby (83:11)

Right.

Matt (83:11)

Hope that.

Abby (83:12)

Right. We can understand that.

Matt (83:13)

If I would have broken up with.

Abby (83:14)

That safe space for you, man.

Matt (83:15)

It's a safe space. But, you know, I think it's just like. Yeah.

Abby (83:19)

I would say the. I think.

Matt (83:23)

I think it's funny if you kissed another guy.

Abby (83:25)

I had really strong boundaries when I dated with guys, and I think I was kind of unique in that. I was always like, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this. And I'm glad that I had that confidence to do that as a teenager. I think that that was kind of unique, but also, heck, it would have been kind of funny.

Matt (83:43)

Yeah, I think I would have loved to hear the story. Yeah. If you would have actually. No, actually, it have been funny if you would have actually kissed a dude on New Year's when we were dating.

Abby (83:51)

No, that would have been rude because we were dating.

Matt (83:53)

That would have been a funny story to tell, though.

Abby (83:54)

That would have been disrespectful.

Matt (83:55)

Guys, thank you so much for tuning in for another episode of Unplanned. If you haven't already, hit the like button or subscribe, we'd really appreciate you to join this community. I think most of you that watch the episodes actually aren't even subscribed, so definitely hit subscribe and we'll see you in the next episode.

Abby (84:10)

This is so inappropriate. I'll be honest.

Matt (84:12)

We really sent it today.

Abby (84:13)

We really sent it.

Matt (84:14)

We really did the thing.

Abby (84:15)

We. We are on the same page.

Matt (84:17)

Yeah, we are. I feel better about our marriage than I've ever felt about it ever.

Abby (84:20)

Love you.

Matt (84:21)

Love you too. Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

Abby (84:39)

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching, watching us.

Matt (84:42)

Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Savings very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates excludes Massachusetts. The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online and more personal info and more places that could expose you more to identity theft. But LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our US based restoration specialists will fix it, guaranteed or your money back back. Don't face drained accounts, fraudulent loans or financial losses alone. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with LifeLock. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit LifeLock.com podcast Terms apply if you're.

Abby (85:23)

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