The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby

Episode: Tony Robbins: How to Build a Relationship that Lasts
Date: January 14, 2026
Guests: Tony Robbins & Sage Robbins

Episode Overview

This deeply personal and inspiring episode features legendary life coach, motivational speaker, and philanthropist Tony Robbins and his wife of 20+ years, Sage Robbins. Hosted by Matt & Abby Howard, the conversation dives into the secrets of a lasting relationship, navigating parenthood later in life, surrendering to life’s seasons—including infertility and unique family structures—and their intentional approach to raising a daughter in a digital world. Tony and Sage also unpack the "seasons of love," how to grow as a couple, practical spiritual wisdom, and the crucial importance of love, contribution, and personal growth as the foundations of both family and partnerships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Building a Relationship that Lasts

• Devotion versus love:
  • Tony distinguishes between loving someone and being devoted—devotion meaning, “your needs are my needs, not I’m going to meet your needs until you’re not happy.” (01:42)
  • “We’re both completely devoted to each other and our family, but we also have a mission to serve as many human beings as we can.” (01:50)
• Mutual mission:
  • Their shared life purpose of service strengthens unity.
  • "I felt like I wasn't the only person that had that sense of caring and drive." (02:17)
• Gratitude and perspective:
  • Tony: “Every day I think, how’d I get so lucky?... This young lady here is my reward.” (02:17)

Parenting, Later in Life and Modern Family

• Journey to Parenthood

  • Sage and Tony share their unexpected and lengthy path to having a daughter in their 50s and 60s.
  • Sage recounts her struggles with repeated miscarriages, discovering a rare genetic disorder, and ultimately learning to surrender (03:02):
    • “I wanted to be a mother so bad. And then miscarriage after miscarriage…I surrendered that and I’d never be who I am without that path.” (00:30; 36:50)

• Surrogacy and Chosen Family

  • Their daughter was born via a surrogate—Mary, a longtime family friend, who now plays a unique maternal role.
  • They share candidly about legal efforts in Florida to become “three parents” so Mary could have legal rights and always be involved for the child's security and support. (49:53)
  • “So our daughter has two moms…she's got her mom here that loves her and she comes from her, and she's got me. So…she's got two moms and one daddy.” – Tony (00:24, 50:50)

• Raising Grounded Kids with Abundance

  • Intentional media-free childhood: “No screen time, no social media, not even saying her first name online.” – Tony (06:47)
  • Focus on intrinsic growth, learning, homemaking skills, and service: She studies languages, reads voraciously, does chores, and learns about responsibility and autonomy. (08:07, 57:28)
  • “This world doesn’t need another useless human. I’m like, we’re meant to be useful.” – Sage (57:28)
  • Conscious choices about over-abundance: “My daughter actually said to me one day...how come we don’t live in a big house?” – Tony, reflecting on keeping their daughter humble despite their wealth. (56:49)

Parenting Philosophy in the Age of Technology

• “We want her to have her own life and not be tied into [social media].” – Tony (06:59)
• “She has time to be just a kid…time in the day that’s just her time doing whatever she wants—she isn’t over scheduled…we want her to learn how to learn.” (08:18)
• Tony’s take on the future of learning and AI: “You’re not going to be replaced by an AI. You’re going to be replaced by somebody who knows how to use an AI.” (09:32)

The Six Human Needs & Emotional Patterns

• Tony explains his approach to resolving emotional crises, referencing “I Am Not Your Guru” and the core of his work—uncovering emotional patterns and human needs: certainty, variety, significance, love, growth, and contribution (11:47–15:37).
• “The quality of your life is the emotions you feel. You can have $10 billion, but if what you feel every day is angry or sad, your life is angry and sad.” (11:47)
• “There are six human needs…what you value most determines your direction in life.” (13:06)
• Practical example: Understanding what people believe about life (especially in crisis) influences their path and their healing.

The Four Seasons of Love & Relationships

• Spring: Infatuation/chemistry—lasts around 3–5 years.
• Summer: Real-life challenges, differences unfold, especially when raising young children or dealing with external stress; time to “appreciate differences” (24:06)
• Fall: If you grow together through tests, “life’s no longer about me, it’s about we”; greater joy, authenticity, and ease.
• Winter: Later life; deep, enduring love that treasures each moment—eventually culminating in facing loss together.
• “If you make it through that third [season], you get to the final step later in life. And that is a level of love that is beyond describing…” – Tony (30:56)
• “You treasure every moment at a different level...” (31:15)

Sage’s perspective:

• “You get over yourself… you just love this human.” (27:26)
• “You only get closer; it gets sweeter with time.” (17:07; 27:26)
• “Taking responsibility is freedom.” (75:29)

Maintaining Growth:

• “The secret is to go from focus on self—‘am I getting my needs met?’—to focus on we, to contribution, to focus on spirit.” – Tony (35:00)

Navigating Marriage During Stress and Loss

• Sage’s journey through infertility, surrender, healing, and re-framing her idea of motherhood to include a broader nurturing role (36:50–39:57)
• Tony on adoption: “There is no difference between them and my blood child in terms of love.” (41:37)
• Practical support for women waiting for motherhood: “Fall in love with what is… you don’t have to accept what is, but life is kinder and saner when we do.” – Sage, quoting Byron Katie (40:52)
• Advice on surviving relationship rough patches: “Taking responsibility is freedom.” – Sage (75:29)

Finding Yourself in Your Partner

• Tony leads a “mini-session” on childhood patterns, attraction, and the inevitability of being drawn to qualities in your partner that reflect disowned parts of yourself (63:24).
• “Oftentimes, you’re attracted to someone because they have qualities you’re attracted to… but they’re actually part of you. You’ve been just disidentified with them… but you’re unconsciously moved towards it.” (63:24)
• “The same things that you really liked after a while piss you off… because you’ve never claimed them for yourself… If you don’t find that part of yourself, you start to despise it.” – Tony (65:07)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Devotion & the Foundation of Marriage

• “Love is the answer, brother. I know what I have and I'm not about to mess that up.” – Tony Robbins (01:42)
• “Devotion is different than just love. Devotion is your needs are my needs.” – Tony Robbins (01:50)

On Raising Children

• “The best way to serve your children is the way you love each other.” – Tony Robbins (00:38, 16:09)
• “Our daughter has two moms... She has her mom carried her. She's got her mom here. That comes from her. And she's got me. We have this unique family.” – Tony Robbins (00:24)
• “She's a product of love, and she's surrounded by love.” – Sage Robbins (54:19)

On Loss, Surrender, and Growth

• “I surrendered that and I'd never be who I am without that path.” – Sage Robbins (00:30, 36:50)
• “Mothering is a quality, it’s love, it’s nourishment.” – Sage Robbins (37:58)
• “The miracle was already here right in front of me.” – Sage Robbins (41:55)

On the Seasons of Love & Hero’s Journey

• “The purpose of relationship is not a place to go get, the purpose of relationship [is a] place you go give.” – Tony Robbins (24:34)
• “If you’re going through hell, keep going… you will get lessons, you will get experiences… you’ll figure out how strong you really are together.” – Tony Robbins (29:09)
• “When things go well, people party. When things go poorly, people ponder.” – Tony Robbins (29:44)

On Emotional Security & Self-Growth

• “The deepest fear everyone has… we all have a fear that we're not enough. And that leads to a much deeper fear, which is if I'm not enough, I won't be loved. And love is the oxygen of life.” – Tony Robbins (00:38, 69:03)
• “Taking responsibility is freedom.” – Sage Robbins (75:30)
• “Kids don’t do what you say. They watch what you do.” – Tony Robbins (59:04)

Timestamps to Key Segments

• [00:18] – Tony and Sage introduce their unique family journey and why their daughter has two moms
• [01:42] – The secrets of a long marriage: devotion, shared mission, gratitude
• [03:02] – Sage discusses infertility, miscarriage, surrender, and the journey to parenthood
• [06:47] – Parenting in the digital age: intentional boundaries & encouraging self-discovery
• [09:32] – Tony on preparing children for a world of AI: "Learning how to learn"
• [11:47] – The six human needs and understanding emotions as the key to helping people
• [16:09] – Serving children best through loving your partner
• [24:06] – The seasons of love & relationships: from chemistry to unity
• [36:50] – Recurring miscarriage: Sage's surrender and path to acceptance
• [49:53] – Legalizing "three parents" and embracing a modern chosen family
• [57:28] – Keeping children grounded in abundance
• [63:24] – Finding (and resenting) your own qualities in your partner
• [75:29] – Taking responsibility as the key to lasting love and growth

Episode Tone & Style

This episode is intimate, heartfelt, candid, and layered with wisdom—flowing naturally between laughter, emotional vulnerability, coaching moments, and practical advice. The banter between Tony and Sage is light and compassionate, but always rooted in depth and intentionality. Matt & Abby’s openness about their own struggles invites a collaborative, encouraging environment for shared growth.

Final Takeaways

• Relationships thrive on devotion, shared mission, and responsibility, not just love.
• Navigating seasons—infatuation, challenge, unity, wisdom—is natural and necessary; the deepest love is forged through growth and surrender.
• Modern families, created intentionally and with love, can be uniquely beautiful and strong.
• Parenthood, at any age or by any means, is a profound gift, and being present for one another is the greatest gift to children.
• Personal growth—in self-awareness, contribution, and learning—lays the foundation for relationship and parenting success.
• “Take responsibility, be intentional, and fall in love with what is.”

Key Quote:
"You get over yourself, you get over your conditioning, you get over your expectations, and it's just like, wow, I love this human." – Sage Robbins (27:26)

To deepen your learning and connect with the Robbins' wisdom, check out their free Time to Rise Summit (Jan 29–31)