I placed the photo upside-down on purpose. Just to be difficult. I thought it would be funny to start by disrespecting the 45-essay-long tradition of putting a normal photo atop each post by making you crane your neck around.

I really ain’t got much. I do not actively respect very many traditions. As I’ve aged, I’ve become less conservative—in that there are fewer and fewer things from the past that I see a substantial value in conserving. It always feels like we end up conserving the wrong bits, anyway. We can’t be trusted to be conservative. (This is not necessarily a political statement. Don’t get weird).

When I think of tradition, I think of people trying to shoehorn their loved ones into doing something “the way it’s always been done,” despite the world changing, the sands shifting ‘neath our collective feet. I find the traditionalist’s perspective to be primarily one of a head buried in that sand.

What customs are important to me? I’m really wracking my brains. I like that we gather, but I never really care about doing it on Christmas. I’d much rather have sporadic, randomized gatherings. I love receiving gifts! But I don’t need them concentrated together. I’d prefer to be thought of when I’m thought of, and never for you to feel a sense of urgency or obligation. (Seriously though, about those Island Punch Spindrifts... that’s a tradition I can get behind).

As I sit and reflect on Respect for Tradition, I see that I’m actually somewhat antagonistic toward the concept. I get barby and short-tempered when I’m forced to participate. To me, traditions often feel like Peer Pressure from the Dead. Or from those who refuse to live into the future. At best, they can be stifling and boring. At worst, they feel toxically rote and obligatory. And as we discussed in the Responsibility essay, obligation is the enemy of care.

But then. Then I look at the 5-year-old child in my house.

We have a little child living with us now. They came from a place where things were not predictable. For me, a man who has had safety and stability for 40 years, “Tradition” feels like a cage. But for them? Tradition feels like a floor.

“We always wash our hands before we eat.” “We always watch a movie on Friday.” “We always say goodnight.” “Bath, Books, Bed.”

I am realizing that while I hate the obligations of tradition, I deeply value the rhythms of tradition. Because Rhythm can create Safety.

When my friend and I shared a Schnecken (that espresso split for two), we were building a micro-tradition. It wasn’t a law handed down by an elder; it was a recurring kindness we built for ourselves. When I take a photo of every single person who does the Values Sort with me, that is a tradition. It is a ritual of honoring the moment. And I do love that tradition.

Perhaps I have been looking at this card wrong. I thought “Respect for Tradition” meant worshiping the past. But maybe it just means respecting the infrastructure that holds us together.

If a tradition is a wall that keeps people out, I hate it. I will kick it down. But if a tradition is a trellis that allows a new vine to climb up out of the dirt and find the sun... then I can respect it. I can get behind it. .

I am building new trellises now. I am building a trellis for my family. I am building some trellises for my friends. I am respecting the necessity of doing the same good thing, over and over again, until it becomes a part of who we are.

So, I will leave the photo upside down. Because that is my tradition now: To question the way things are done, and to only turn them right-side up if they actually serve the people I love.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com