In some ways this entire project has been about my own self discipline. It has come up time and time again–it’s at least a central focus of the project.

I have had to exercise tremendous self discipline in my life. Ever since I was young. Don’t get me wrong–I often fail in my disciplines! Emphasis on the word exercise.

I have regularly been called upon, in many forums, to be less. “Half as hard, half as fast” my mother would repeat to me in my youth. And who could blame her? I consistently did things twice as hard and twice as fast as the people around me, and not always with favorable results either for me or for my loved ones.

“Your greatest asset is your greatest assache” is something that’s been a constant refrain in my life. Two sides to the coin. It’s a never ending battle to stem the tide of internal negative self-communication. The things I say to myself sometimes.. You’d be shocked. You might even feel defensive of me. How dare myself?

Feeling twice as hard, twice as rough, twice as much of a liability to myself and others is a great weight to bear, though, and it can be difficult to flip that script; I have great capacities for kindness and love and care. And I don’t give myself credit for them because… I must restrain myself!

I’ve already alluded to the idea that I’m sometimes too much, even in a positive way, in my relationships with people. Too much text! Too many cookies! Too much praise offered without enough perceived merit.

I again reflect on what this card means to and for me versus another person. Surely there are as many interpretations of this card as there are respondents sorting through the deck. I cannot be the only one to struggle in life with self restraint. With self discipline.

The card also says resistance to temptation.

I will eat the whole box of shortbreads. I will stay up past my bedtime and write essays knowing I’ll be tired and grumpy in the morning. I will let the thing that need not be said escape my lips.

Words are something I’m tempted by always. It comes from a desire, I think, to be heard and seen. And it comes across, (often) as a desire to dominate or relegate another person into wordlessness. I call names. I level judgments. I put my mouth out for the world to hear and not everyone likes it. I don’t always like it.

And vices! I’ve known a few and we’ve discussed some of them here in this series. But it’s been far from an exhaustive list! There is barely a vice on this good Earth that I would not, have not dipped a toe into. And the remedy is very nearly always some practice or method of other-centric thinking. Observing how my behaviors, thoughts and actions affect the people around me. Thinking beyond myself. Maybe that’s my motivation for self-discipline.

Is that okay? Is it okay for my motivations to come from a place of community rather than from a pure, deep well of personal integrity; an integrity that cannot be bought or sold? God, I hope so.

I would like my motivations to be pure. I would like them to be from me and for me, and benefiting others only inasmuch as they’ve already benefited me. But I confess, I am sometimes motivated to self-discipline by a quiet observance of my behavior’s effect on the ones closest to me.

Sometimes I struggle with knowing the right thing to do. Life is not always black and white! Life does not always present its challenges with clarity of reason and cause and effect and consequence. Sometimes we must suss these things out for ourselves and that can be a challenge.

And how do I discipline myself toward greater love and communal affection when I don’t know what’s right and good? And what about the times when a lesser of two evils presents itself as the only option? When there is no good outcome for everyone? When someone, by my hand, by my words or decisions, by my vote, will be harmed? How then do we discipline ourselves?

It can only be our best. The core discipline must be our intentions I guess. But that leaves room for play in the steering. “I was doing the right thing for my family”. “I was just following orders”. It’s a paradox to wrestle with.

I would like to make this concept land with a big story about self discipline in my life. I think we want a movie montage here. We both want to see me getting up early and running hard up a flight of stairs with a rucksack on. We want to see me drinking raw eggs and pumping iron and getting into fighting shape and waking up tomorrow and doing it again. Right? We both want that?

I have accomplished things! I did quit smoking. Twice, actually. I have cut back on and even eliminated bad habits that don’t bring life. But those are largely events, and self-discipline is about smaller choices that take place over a longer time.

I am here to tell you, as a man who has roasted coffee for a living since 2009: The soundtrack never plays.

There is no soundtrack for 4:30 AM on a Tuesday in November. The bed is warm. The floor is cold. The business I run is a giant beast filled with moving pieces that do not care if I am tired. It does not care if I am inspired. It only cares about heat and airflow and time. It cares about espresso and customer service and repetitive motions. If I don’t get up, the coffee doesn’t get roasted. If the coffee doesn’t get roasted, the customers don’t get their drinks. If the customers don’t get their drinks, my family doesn’t eat.

So I get up. I put my feet on the cold floor. That is the entire story.

And I think that’s all of our stories regarding self discipline. There are moments in our lives, probably, where we are either literally or figuratively getting up at 4:30 and body-slamming life’s challenges to the ground. But more often, more consistently, it’s about consistency, and it’s about recognizing our place in the great web of life.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nickfromoregon.substack.com