The Viall Files - Episode 1048

"Ask Nick: I Ruined My Perfect Life"

Release Date: December 15, 2025
Host: Nick Viall
Panel: Jesse, Amber, Abby, Kristen

Episode Overview

This "Ask Nick" episode invites listeners into real-life relationship dilemmas, gently dissected by Nick Viall and his co-hosts. Three callers—Abby, Amber, and Kristen—seek guidance on dating intentionally in 2025, navigating marital breakdown after emotional infidelity, and letting go of an unavailable crush. The tone is supportive, pragmatic, and at times candidly raw, with Nick and Jesse blending empathy with hard-won advice. The episode unpacks modern romance, the pitfalls of overthinking, the challenge of setting boundaries, and the struggle to honor one’s needs without guilt.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Do I Date Intentionally in 2025?

Caller: Abby (36)
Timestamps: [03:36 – 36:22]

• Dating in a New Era:

  • Abby describes herself as a "serial monogamist," previously accustomed to diving quickly into exclusive relationships. Now, she's experimenting: "I'm trying to slow down a little bit, not chase the spark as much, and date multiple people at once..." [03:44]
  • This approach feels "messy," but also "fun." Abby is attracted to two very different men and seeks advice on navigating this dynamic.

• Intentionality & Abundance of Options:

  • Jesse reframes Abby’s issue, highlighting a lack of intentionality: "All that's happened is now you've fallen for multiple guys quickly." [04:23]
  • Nick explains that dating in 2025 means more options but also more need for clarity and discipline: "If you want to, there's just an abundance of options. Not necessarily good options..." [08:20]

• Physical Intimacy & Transparency:

  • Jesse stresses the importance of boundaries around sex, suggesting that being physically intimate changes expectations (and should be communicated). Abby hasn’t had sex with either, giving her more time to make a mindful choice. [09:53]

• Reflecting on Past Patterns:

  • Abby recognizes a pattern: "I go from being very independent to being a little bit too needy... I'm an anxiously attached person." [25:23]
  • Jesse notes the predictability of human behavior and suggests, "There's an element of chase and validation and feeling special... In that scenario, no one's really doing anything wrong. But I think it is interesting." [26:01]

• Advice for Clarity:

  • Jesse and Nick encourage Abby to ask the tough questions—of her dates and herself: "Try to be more intentional about what you want and have the guts to tell the people you’re dating..." [33:28]
  • Quality dating means “asking more questions and thinking about their answers—and being able to learn, you know; it's not just quality time and hanging out and doing things and having banter.” [36:13]

Memorable Quote:

"Slowing down isn't dating multiple men. It's just asking more questions and thinking about their answers... It's learning about each other."
— Jesse [36:13]

2. Did I Just Blow Up My Perfect Life?

Caller: Amber (35)
Timestamps: [40:14 – 85:41]

• The Situation:
  Amber is separated and heading for divorce after falling in love with another man. Married nine years with three young kids, she felt emotionally abandoned by her husband long before the affair: "He completely checked out... It just became my responsibility, not just the kids, but our entire life." [44:08]

  • She describes her now ex (“surfer dude, golfer”) as disengaged in both parenting and partnership—leaving for a month-long surf trip after their children were born, for example.

• Community Fallout & Internal Guilt:

  • Amber’s friend circle and husband’s social network have ostracized her, casting her as the "villain." She grapples with guilt, social backlash, and her own longing for fulfillment.
  • She's haunted by the question: "Am I blowing up my life?" [44:08]

• Nick and Jesse’s Perspective:

  • The hosts are blunt about Amber’s husband’s neglect:

    "He left you when you had a baby to go surf? That is—I just think that says so much about him being a partner and father."
    — Jesse [47:03]

  • Nick highlights the ongoing need for "choosing each other daily," and how unchecked emotional drift, anger, and lack of accountability erode a marriage.

• On Guilt & New Love:

  • Amber wonders if her feelings for her new partner are “real,” or just an escape from pain. Jesse cautions against confusing chemistry for fate:

    "Don’t dilute yourself into thinking you're making choices because fate has taken over your life. Make choices, own your choices."
    [54:00]

  • They advise her to weigh the new relationship independently from her marriage, emphasizing the importance of self-forgiveness and closure.

• Marital Autopsy & Moving Forward:

  • Despite therapy and efforts, Amber’s husband focuses on her affair as “the problem,” refusing to address his long-term emotional absence:

    "He gaslights you, calls you mentally ill. He’s refusing to see the obvious."
    — Jesse [82:12]

  • Amber laments, "I'm responsible for the entire plane, making sure it stays in the air... You were supposed to be my copilot, and you're surfing." [83:54]

• Big Takeaway:

  • Jesse draws on his own values: "I would rather have tried too many times, so that when it's done, it’s like, no, I have no regrets." [64:35]
  • Nick contextualizes the pain: "If he can't listen... if he's anything like Jordan [from a previous episode], get divorced. He treats your mistake as if it absolves all of his." [77:01]

Memorable Quote:

"I’m the pilot of a plane... You were supposed to be my co-pilot, and you’re surfing."
— Amber [83:54]

3. How Do I Get Over a Guy I Really Liked—Who Might Be Gay?

Caller: Kristen (31)
Timestamps: [88:58 – 109:20]

• The Crush:
  Kristen had an on-and-off, emotionally charged friendship/connection with a man she suspects is gay or possibly bisexual, based on social clues and his pattern of engagement. He has not pursued anything further.

• Letting Go & Moving On:

  • Jesse and Nick are firm: "His sexuality is irrelevant. Whatever the reason, he's not pursuing this relationship the way you want." [91:03]
  • They encourage Kristen to stop ruminating and searching for closure in the form of an explanation (e.g., "Is he gay? Was it me?"). Instead:

    "It's really that simple. We all ruminate... But your ego's a little upset about that, a little sad. And rather than accepting it, you're trying to figure it out—and that is what's keeping you stuck."
    — Jesse [105:25]

• Boundaries & Self-Protection:

  • Jesse urges directness with future suitors, especially those who reappear after ghosting: "Make them beg. It can't be that easy." [98:09]
  • Nick: "When we meet people who are good at setting their boundaries, no one likes to have difficult conversations... but people will be a lot less likely to waste your time." [99:04]

• Bonus Dilemma—Younger Man:

  • Kristen is also entertaining a new, much younger suitor (10 years her junior, she’s 31, he’s 21). Jesse encourages her to have fun but not to catch feelings: "What you don’t want to happen is that you let your guard down, and then he... says it’s run its course, and you get emotionally hung up on a guy you really shouldn’t." [108:42]

Memorable Quote:

"His sexuality is irrelevant to you. That’s step one."
— Jesse [102:28]

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• "There needs to be some kind of end game... In 2025, there’s just an abundance of options—not necessarily good ones." — Nick [08:20]
• "Intentionality. Just put yourself out there. You have to take a risk, right?" — Jesse [18:20]
• "We have various patterns... there's an element of chase and validation and feeling special." — Jesse [26:01]
• "I go from being independent to too needy... I'm anxiously attached." — Abby [25:23]
• "You were supposed to be my co-pilot, and you're [off] surfing..." — Amber [83:54]
• "He left you when you had just had a baby, to go surf. That... says so much about his being a partner and father." — Jesse [47:03]
• "Don't dilute yourself into thinking fate is making your choices. Make choices, own your choices." — Jesse [54:00]
• "Men are really simple—they are all golden retrievers. They need cheerleaders." — Jesse [74:48]
• "His sexuality is irrelevant. At the end of the day, he lost interest." — Jesse [105:15]

Important Segment Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |-------------|----------------------| | 03:36–36:22 | Abby: Intentional dating, attachment, slowing down, choosing between two men | | 40:14–85:41 | Amber: Infidelity, marital breakdown, self-forgiveness, motherhood, co-parenting | | 88:58–109:20 | Kristen: Letting go, ambiguity, rejection, boundaries, casual dating |

Episode Takeaways

• Dating in 2025 requires discipline, clear boundaries, vocalizing your intentions, and not shying away from difficult questions.
• Relationships rarely end in a vacuum. When a marriage breaks down, both partners typically played roles—intentional or not.
• Being intentional and vulnerable about your desires—whether that involves commitment, marriage, or open-ended partnership—promotes clarity both for yourself and others.
• When rejected, focusing on “why” or on the other’s reasons (e.g., speculation about sexuality) perpetuates fixation; instead, acceptance and boundary-setting speed up healing.
• Self-forgiveness and closure come from honest self-reflection, repeated effort, and a willingness to let go—even when it means standing alone in your truth.

For those navigating the muddy waters of love, loss, and new beginnings, this episode offers both comfort and a challenge: know yourself, ask the tough questions, and don’t settle for less than true partnership.