E1033 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Dark Secret

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Viall Files

Episode E1033 Ask Nick – My Boyfriend’s Dark Secret
Host: Nick Viall
Date: November 17, 2025

---

Episode Overview

In this “Ask Nick” episode, Nick Viall and the Household tackle three emotionally charged dating and relationship dilemmas. The discussions delve into complicated long-distance connections, the moral and personal implications of dating someone with a serious criminal past, and the navigation of rekindling old friendships riddled with patterns of disappointment. As always, the tone is candid, empathetic, and laced with Nick’s signature directness.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Long-Distance Regrets and “What Ifs”

[02:08–25:06]

Caller: Ashley, 32

Situation

• Ashley and her ex dated long-distance for over a year, but broke up due to the difficulties of closing the gap.
• Over 5-6 years, both dated others, occasionally checking in with each other, but their timing never aligned.
• Recently, Ashley noticed her ex viewing her Instagram stories, reigniting questions about what might have been.

Insights & Advice

• On making big relationship decisions:
  • “You guys just have to make a decision. And then step three is whoever is making that big sacrifice, the other person has to really go out of their way to recognize that sacrifice and make that transition as easy as possible.” – Nick (05:25)
• On the narrative of ‘just distance’:
  • “You are watering down the reasons [for the breakup], which makes it harder for you to move on because you’ve created this narrative in your head that nothing broke you up other than distance.” – Nick (19:14)
• Social media ‘what ifs’:
  • Nick cautions against reading too much into online activity: “Looking at your stories is nothing. It's curiosity. It's boredom. He could be, like, taking a shit and just, like, what's she up to?” (17:54)
• Advice for closure:
  • “Don’t live in limbo, you know, do something or move on. Accept it and just forget about it.” (20:04)
  • Optionally, shoot your shot directly with the ex for personal closure, but be ready for rejection and honest about what you’re willing to do.
  • Recognizes the value in prioritizing relationships and family over career and logistics if that is truly what brings happiness.

Notable Moment:
Nick uses the metaphor of family migration and the Oregon Trail to highlight the impracticality of certain interim relationship arrangements. (09:17)

---

2. “My Boyfriend’s Dark Secret”: Dating a Registered Sex Offender

[29:56–80:05]

Caller: Mary, 35

Situation

• Mary is dating a man whose past includes being a tier 2 registered sex offender for “pandering images”—he visited a site known for illegal content.
• She discovered this before their first date and decided to judge him on his present character.
• Mary’s friends are disturbed, some setting boundaries about meeting him. Mary hasn’t discussed his record with him directly, despite knowing for six months.

Insights & Advice

• Consequences and friends’ boundaries:
  • “All of our actions have consequences. … Your friends are just like, they hear about this word and they're out.” – Nick (33:26)
• On moral gray area and change:
  • Nick urges Mary not to excuse withholding the truth: “Green flags don’t cancel out red flags, right?” (50:16)
  • “You need to hear it from the horse’s mouth and have a direct conversation… Even then, yes, he could still lie. You’re not going to track his internet history... but you should talk with him about this.” (54:44)
• On responsibility for disclosure:
  • “It’s not your responsibility to tell him. It was his responsibility to tell you. It’s his secret, not yours.” (76:54)
  • A lack of disclosure after six months is a major red flag; gaslighting is a deal-breaker.
• Balancing empathy and safety:
  • Nick frames the issue as not black and white, referencing how society can accept true change for serious offenses (Shawshank Redemption analogy), but emphasizes that meaningful, honest accountability is extremely rare.

Notable Quotes:

• On friends’ acceptance: “No guy is worth losing all your friends for.” – Mary, quoting advice (63:05)
• On the universal truth: “People can change. It’s rare, but it’s not impossible. And if you’re willing to be someone who’s open-minded... you still need to know that your future is safe.” (53:08)
• On difficult conversations: “There’s no good time to have a tough conversation. Seven days won’t feel any different than today when you rip off the Band-Aid... You just have to do it.” (73:04)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [31:30] – Mary reveals her boyfriend’s secret
• [44:14] – Nick presses for the need for direct confrontation
• [54:39] – The necessity of transparency and not making assumptions
• [76:46] – How to walk away if the conversation turns manipulative

---

3. Rekindling an Old (Flaky) Friendship

[85:11–103:02]

Caller: Jen, 36

Situation

• Jen “ran into” her childhood best friend, who’s been consistently flaky for decades.
• The friend suggests reconnecting, and Jen wonders if it’s worth trying again—especially as they both are/will soon be moms.

Insights & Advice

• Expectations management:
  • Nick suggests adopting a “middle ground,” enjoying her company without relying on her for anything important.
  • “The easiest way not to disappoint ourselves is to not have unreasonable expectations for things in people.” (91:07)
• Defining modern adult friendships:
  • “She’s not that person anymore and she probably will never be. The fact that you are about to be a mom… your energy should go to your husband, your child, your immediate family.” (90:43)
  • Nick describes his own evolving friendships as adults, maintaining connection without old expectations of constant contact.
• Boundaries:
  • “Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries, and it’s your job to set healthy boundaries.” (96:40)
  • Don’t count on this friend for ‘ride or die’ reliability—just enjoy the times you do see her.

---

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments (by Timestamp)

• On limbo and closure:
  • “Don’t live in limbo, you know, do something or move on. Accept it and just forget about it.”
    – Nick, to Ashley [20:04]
• On transparency and relationships:
  • “Green flags don’t cancel out red flags, right?... You need to hear it from the horse’s mouth and have a direct conversation.”
    – Nick, to Mary [50:16 & 54:44]
• On taking accountability:
  • “If he tries to turn that around on you, then that is so revealing.”
    – Nick, to Mary [79:06]
• On expectations from flaky friends:
  • “When we do hang out, enjoy their company… Don’t have her plan your birthday party. Don’t come to her for big things.”
    – Nick, to Jen [92:44]
• On adult priorities:
  • “Make no mistake. If you didn’t have a falling out, it would still be weird for [the friendship] not to change… It just means you’re grown up.”
    – Nick, to Jen [100:21]

---

Episode Tone & Takeaways

Nick remains direct yet compassionate, encouraging callers to be honest with themselves and the people in their lives, to set clear boundaries, and to bravely have difficult conversations. This episode stands out for its willingness to tackle uncomfortable subjects without judgment, but also without sugar-coating, reiterating the importance of personal agency and accountability in all relationships—be they romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between.

Transcript

[A]

Introducing Family Freedom from T Mobile. We'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones, all on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com familyfreedom up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card typically takes 15 days. Free phone via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement. Example Apple iPhone 16128 gigs $829.99 Eligible trade in example iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due if you pay off early or cancel Contact Us.

[B]

No it's not too soon to start holiday shopping. Ulta Beauty's early Black Friday event is happening now through November 22nd.

[A]

Shop $10 beauty minis from brands like.

[B]

Mac and too faced. Take 30% off Lancome and Touchland fragrances and body mists. With new offers dropping every week, our associates can help you find the perfect gifts.

[A]

Head into Ulta Beauty today to shop our early Black Friday event. Ulta Beauty Gifting happens here. This episode is sponsored by Mint Mobile and we have an especially exciting announcement. We want to hear your scorching hot reality TV takes. And that's why we've partnered with Mint Mobile to open the Hot Take hotline where you can leave us a voice message and give us your reality TV takes. Give us your hot takes, thoughts and theories and we'll read and react to the best ones on an upcoming reality Recap episode. All you have to do is call 1-855-MINT TLK or if you prefer the numbers I.e. 855-646-8855 and leave us a voicemail again. Just call 1-855-MNINT TLK or 855-646-8855, and leave us a message. Make the switch to mint mobile. Get 3 months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.comv I l l that is mintmobile.com vi a l l upfront payment of $45 required equivalent to $15 a month limited time new customer offer for first 3 months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on UNL Etc. CMN mobile for details.

[C]

You're crazy.

[A]

How's it going?

[D]

Good. How are you?

[A]

Good. What's your name?

[D]

I'm Ashley.

[A]

How old are you Ashley?

[D]

32.

[A]

How can I help?

[D]

So I dated a guy about five years ago. Broke up just because of circumstances, mostly due to distance. We've dated other people in the last five years and in between relationships we've kind of always reached out to each other and checked in on each other to see what was going on, see our situation, status. And we've always been in other relationships when the other person is single. So it kind of flip. Has always. Flip flopped back and forth. Most recently, after my most recent relationship, I reached out to him. He told me he was seeing somebody, and I wished him the best, and I left it at that. But I've noticed lately that he's been watching my Instagram stories here and there while not following me. So kind of feels like there's some unresolved thing there. I'm not gonna get involved and say anything to him, and I don't know, it just. Just feels kind of messy and just kind of wondering, like, what that all could mean.

[A]

So when did you meet this guy?

[D]

Probably at this point, like, six years ago.

[A]

Like, everything was amazing, and then someone moved, and you were just like, we should break up just because.

[D]

No. When we met, we were living in. So we met in my hometown. He was in town visiting friends and went back to where he was living. So he was living across the country. And we kept a relationship going for, like, about a year and a half. We saw each other all the time. We would fly back and forth. Okay. And then it just kind of got to be. It kind of just got to be too much to maintain because it wasn't just, like, a few hours. It was like we were across the country now.

[A]

I hear you, but so was my wife when I met her.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So, I mean, you know, it's possible. Yeah. What do you guys do for work?

[D]

I'm not sure, really what he does right now. I mean, if I had to guess.

[A]

What was he doing?

[D]

I mean, like, I guess, like, restaurant business.

[A]

Did you guys ever talk about closing the distance?

[D]

We did, and we were both, like, pretty stubborn. I felt like. I felt like he was more reluctant to compromising because he had a lot less to give up, and I had a lot going on where I'm living. So I felt like he was expecting me to make all of the changes to accommodate him, and it kind of just left a bad taste in my mouth because I wanted him to be a little bit more understanding. Like, I had my career here and my family and a house, like. Like, I own my house here. So it was a lot for me to untangle. He really didn't have anything to untangle. So that was kind of the.

[A]

Did either of you flat out say, I want us to make it work? I want. You know. Did you have casual conversations that both of you were like, Passively asking or suggesting or was there, like a. I see a future with you. I want to make this work. This isn't ideal for either us. And like, you know, for example, with Natalie, it wasn't a conversation. It was, if you want to be with me, you have to move here.

[D]

Right?

[A]

And she, you know, her job at the time gave her all the flexibility to do that, but she still left her family. You know, she still left her friends. She still moved to a place where she knew nobody. So that was still a huge ask for me. Even though her job made it possible, I was pretty clear what needed to happen once it happened. I was also clear that, like, I have to go out of my way to make sure. I had to recognize the sacrifice she was making and try to make it as enjoyable for her. But that being said, it was just more the conversation started by, let's be together. And then as soon as we started being together, I was like, well, if we're going to do this, we need to be in the same city. So. And then, so it was step one, decide to be together. Step two, commit to one of us moving. And, you know, you guys just have to make a decision. And then step three is whoever, like, is making that big sacrifice, the other person has to really go out of their way to. To recognize that sacrifice and make that transition as easy as possible. That all being said, those three steps, where do you feel like you guys fell short?

[D]

It was probably right at that last step where we both knew we wanted to be together. We were both very much in love with each other. But it was. He really expected everything from me while offering, like, nothing in return in that, like, big life change. It was kind of just like, so.

[A]

Did you say, you need to move here? And he said no, pretty much.

[D]

It was like, I don't think I can, like, give up, like, my lifestyle to, like, go live where you live, because we live in, like, two different kinds of climates, and he lives in, like, a great part of the country I live in. Like, not that where I live isn't great. It's not the same. Right? It's not. It's not what he's used to. He's used to snowboarding, surfing, being outside all the time where I live. It's not really like that.

[A]

And why couldn't you move?

[D]

It wasn't that I couldn't move. It was just, like, I needed some time to untangle my life here. My career was where I live. I was going into the office every day. I had to sell my House. I had to.

[A]

There was a lot of, there was.

[D]

Like a lot of moving parts for me. Right. Which, which, which would have required some time. My, my suggestion to him was, can you come be here with me while I untangle all of this and find a new job where, where you are. And it wasn't even like he was willing to do that. So that was kind of the.

[A]

But that doesn't make, to be honest.

[D]

Make much sense for him to come.

[A]

Here if the long term plan was for you to move. And I'm saying there's no right or wrong. Right. Like someone just has to. If, if two people are like, hey, we, we want to be together and for us to be together, one of us has to make the move.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You have to like weigh all the variables and decide as a couple what that. Where that is going to be. Right. So if you're saying, well, all right, I may have had more going on here, my house, my career, my job, whatever. But that being said, where he lives is really cool. It is definitely appealing to me. People who aren't familiar with this part of the country moving, it could just be a drain on their, like, emotional.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, you know, I'm from Wisconsin, but like someone from, let's say, Florida moving to Wisconsin might be like, yeah, a bigger, just adjustment for them where it's just like, all right, I have a house here and yeah, I've laid my roots here and I got a job here, but I can get a job anywhere. And honestly, like, living in, you know, I don't know, Denver might sounds kind of fun or whatever. So again, there's no right or wrong how you guys make a decision, but if that was your guys's decision, it definitely doesn't make sense. In the meantime, for get him to move to you is like proof that he's willing to like, do something for you while you kind of unravel your life.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Just because then you're, then you're like back in the Oregon Trail days. Like, or just honestly, like immigrants. Right. Like, sometimes the, you know, someone in the family tends to be the father. Right. Would move to the country that the family is going to migrate to and, and get a job and get things settled and lay their roots down, so to speak. And then he'll bring the rest of his family when everything's situated. But in that kind of mindset, if you guys are moving to his city, he should be like settling you guys, you know, up there. It would be harder on you both for him to move to you for six months or 12 months or whatever, and then both of you to move back. Yeah, just like, logistically, I feel like. Feel like that's impractical.

[D]

You're right. But he also wasn't settled and he wasn't making plans to be settled. He was living, you know, with like, three roommates.

[A]

Well, a bit. All the more reason why he should. You know what I'm saying? Like, that could have been a conversation. It could have been.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

All right, well, listen, I want to be with you and let's say Denver, right? Like, just for the sake of. And like Denver, I think I like your city. I don't want to ask you to move to Topeka, Kansas or whatever. So I'm. I'm going to move to Denver. But if you're going to do that, like, obviously I'm not going to move in with your roommates. Like, I'm making this huge sacrifice. I'm going to sell my house. But, like, what does our life look like together? And let's start our life together. And so you guys, you could have flown out, you know, to Denver every so often. You could have gone apartment shopping. Hell, you know, got a. Got. You could have been house shopping. You know, maybe you buy a house in the city. I don't know. There's. You could, you know, again, got an apartment for a couple years while you house shopped, whatever. He could have led that search. You know, like, these are conversations that as like an adult relationship. Like, this is, you know, this is what it should look like, you two making decisions together. Because again, if you, if one of you is going to make a move, right, like, you both need to know that you guys are in it to win it and that, like, you guys are taking this seriously, you're making serious decisions together. Because you're right. If he was like, well, you know, I like my roommates and it's chill and it's cool like that. That doesn't give you the security to like, make that move if he's not willing to change anything about his life now. I'm not sure if that was the case.

[D]

Yes. I mean, in a nutshell. Yeah. Like, that's pretty much kind of like how it went.

[A]

Okay, well, listen, if that's the case, I guess back to your original question is our choices matter and we make choices and we have to live with those choices. And sometimes, you know, this is a choice you made, he made, you made together, but those choices mattered in the context of the potential of your relationship. Maybe you guys enjoyed Hanging out together. Maybe you had great sex. Maybe he was the coolest guy you had dated for a while. But you're also. The more I talk, you're also describing a guy who.

[D]

How old is he now? 32? 31.

[A]

Okay. And how long ago was this breakup?

[D]

This was like, five, six years ago.

[A]

Okay, well, I mean, what's. Yeah, but, like, I guess what I'm saying is, like, you made choices and nothing actually brought you guys back together.

[D]

Right?

[A]

You know, in between all. You know, you dated other people. He did other people. There was no. In the five years. It wasn't like things change in his life. That was like, oh, I'm. Know what? I wasn't ready to grow up then. I'm ready to grow up now. I guess neither of you made the call to say, I miss you. I think we made a mistake. I want to figure this out. I want to get back together. That matters.

[D]

Yeah. Because I think when both of us had reached out, it was like, feel. It was testing the waters. Like, hey, are you single? Are you with somebody else? If you're with somebody else, I'm going to respect that and leave it be.

[A]

I get that. But, you know, he was never single when you were single.

[D]

No, no. When he. When he had reached out to me, I was with somebody else. He reached out again. I was still with the same person. And then when I had reached out to him, then. Then he was seeing somebody else. So it's always just kind of been like, phone tag, where it's like, sure.

[A]

But also, like, I mean, listen, if they were worth it, you. Yeah, I'm not saying you should be, like, a home wrecker, but at some point, you know, all you guys are doing to each other is letting you guys know that you both think our chatter is cool and you guys enjoyed each other's company and probably the sex, but, like, honestly, there's not much more than that. And honestly, neither of you are worth it to each other. Why she follows you? I don't know. Like, who? Didn't you say she? His. His current girlfriend's looking at your stuff.

[D]

He's looking at my stuff.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, now, I don't know. Listen, he. There's some interest in you. There's no denying that. But, like, there's not much to be gained from reading into, like, online activity.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, some people are curious. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, I dated that girl in the past. She was hot. What's she up to? Yeah. Okay, cool. I don't miss her enough to, like, break up with my girlfriend or do something crazy. But, like, you've never thought of it. I mean, literally, this guy, like, when you were dating the. The. Your other boyfriend and he reached out, you never, like, it never crossed. You were never curious to just peek at his Instagram.

[D]

I mean, I've. I've definitely, like, looked at his stuff, but I've never left, like, a paper trail that I was looking at his stuff in. In his stories. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, well, paper trail just means he's sloppier or just doesn't think it's all that serious. He's not hiding anything. Paper trail, you know, is this more like, all right, I don't want my boyfriend to find out, but I want to look, that's a little bit more covert on your part. Honestly. It doesn't make. It doesn't make the interest level any more serious or unserious. It just. You're just a little bit better at hiding things, you know, that doesn't.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So listen, at the end of the day, he is responsible for his relationship, right? So if he's in a relationship, you should definitely not be a home wrecker and he's responsible. But, like, if you really. And again, you have to be honest with yourself about your feelings, about what you really want, about what you're willing to do, but there is nothing wrong because, like, the expectation is you're probably gonna get rejected, you know? And my point is, like, there's nothing wrong with saying, hey, I know you're in a relationship. And, like, listen, I'm not going to be, like, reaching out to you. And I don't, you know, but, like, I regret our decision not to make this work. Over the past five or six years, I've always thought about you and always wondered, and I haven't been able to do better. And, you know, if you're happy, then you're happy, but I would regret not saying this to you and putting myself out there. And, yeah, I just. I need to say that, you know, and he can do whatever he wants with that. You know, he could. He. He probably will say, well, you know, listen, like, I mean, I have a girlfriend, so I don't know what to tell you, and thanks for sharing, but, like, or he could, you know, stewing it for a couple weeks and realize that he feels the same way, and then he could end that relationship. I mean, like, listen, like, if you're with someone, you know, if. If people are listening, I. I've said versions of this on different calls. And I'm sure. I think it triggered some people. Like, it's like, oh, my God, like, you're advocating for her to, like, listen. Like, if you reaching out to this guy and saying, I regret us breaking up is enough to make him question his feelings for his current girlfriend and break up with her, then, like, they were never meant to be in the first place. But again, it's not your job. There's a difference between you just putting your feelings out there. There's a reason why, like, when people get married, it's just like, if anyone, like, doesn't think, you know, forever hold your peace. We've all seen the movies in the rom coms where someone, like, races to the church and it's like, no, wait, I love you. It's just like, okay, you know, like, that's not a crime. You know, it's. That doesn't. You know, you're. Just. Because you say I love you or I miss you doesn't immediately break up a couple. Like, that person can reject you. And that's often what happens. So. But what you're doing is doing this whole. You're just fucking with yourself, right? You're living in this limbo. You're casually, you know, you're just like. You're playing the what if game but not willing to do anything about it, right? So, like, you either have to, like, make a move, even if it's for the peace of mind.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But, like, him reading and looking at your stories is nothing. It's curiosity. It's boredom. He could be, like, taking a shit and just, like, what you up to?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, I mean, like, he probably thinks about you the same way you think about him. But, like, you're still not. It's not like you call me up and you're like, I. I'm. My bags are packed. If he told me to move to Denver today, I would.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Like, you know.

[D]

Well, yeah. And I mean, in hindsight, I feel like the things that caused the breakup now, I feel like, would be like, they wouldn't be insurmountable now with the life experience that I've had.

[A]

Yeah, but you don't. I mean, you don't really. You. What do you know about him, really, and how he's changed, right, since you guys broke up.

[D]

I mean, in one of the moments when he did reach out, he did express regret and guilt for, you know, kind of not being more of a partner when that. When those decisions were being discussed. So, I mean, again, it's not like.

[A]

You know, I mean, shoot your shot. I don't know, like, if you, if this is a guy that you are serious about pursuing, think about it. I don't know, you'll probably get rejected, but like, who cares?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, no, I know.

[A]

You either have to like shoot your shot or accept the fact that like, this narrative you have in your head is that we only broke up for distance. I think is a false narrative. Right. You broke up because, like, you were in different stages of your life. You broke up because, like, he just was, you know, he was still playing the roommate game and like, honestly, like liked having a girlfriend but wasn't really looking at settling down as a 27 year old, you know, and you were, you know, like those are reasons why you broke up. You are, you are watering down the reasons, which makes it harder for you to move on because you've created this narrative in your head that like, nothing broke you up other than distance. And again, like I said before, like, you know, plenty of people make it work and you guys, for whatever reason, didn't make it work. And, and that matters.

[D]

No, it's all valid.

[A]

So I, you know, my, my overall advice is don't live in limbo, you know, do something or move on. Accept it and just forget about it.

[D]

Yeah, no, I appreciate it.

[A]

And in the meantime, you could shoot your shot and say, call me and maybe I'll, you know, but like, you'll probably meet someone else and.

[D]

Right.

[A]

You know, I think it's important to remember why you didn't when you had a boyfriend and he reached out to you, why that wasn't enough.

[D]

Yeah, that is, you know, probably a more nuanced, complicated answer, but I regret not leaving that relationship and pursuing that with him at the time.

[A]

Yeah, but like, you know that now because you have the benefit of hindsight, because that relationship ended. But you have to bring yourself to your mindset in that moment of why.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, that relationship was something I, the one I was in. I knew it wasn't going to work and I was in it knowing that it wasn't going to work. So I definitely maybe kicked myself for that. Yeah, for sure.

[A]

But there's nothing wrong with shooting your shot and putting yourself out there.

[D]

Yeah, I appreciate it. It's scary. It's scary to think about doing that.

[A]

But I, I mean, it's not that big of a deal. You know, you just have to be one willing to back it up. Right. It's easy just to say, but what happens if he called you up a week later and said, you know what? I broke up with my girlfriend. Let's fucking go for it. You're going to move to Denver?

[D]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I hear you. And I, I would have to be ready to do that.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, assuming he's still not going to move. I don't know. But realistically, like, it's not quite that drastic. Realistically, he would be like, you know, it'd be more like, listen, I, I, I regret us not working out, and I know you have a girlfriend, but if there's any part of you that, like, thinks the way I do and this relationship isn't serving you, like, I want to explore a relationship with you, and I think, you know, I want, I'm, I'm serious about, like, gang. To me, it's like right now, five years ago, neither of you were ultimately prioritizing a relationship. You were prioritizing maybe a multitude of things, like your personal life, your house, your career, your, you know, just. He was prioritizing other things. But at this point, you know, I really think strongly that, like, you know, in this day and age, we should start prioritizing relationships and finding someone. Your career doesn't make you happy, you know, and, like, I, I have everything I want in a career, and I love it and I'm grateful and it makes me happy, but none of that, none of it has made me as happy as being a husband or being a father. So, like, listen, I don't know. You say what you want, but, like, I think people should recognize that, like, real happiness is building a family, whatever that looks like for you, whether you want kids or don't want kids. But, like, a family, people you can connect with, people you can rely on, because no one wants to just be fucking lonely and going to work and working for someone else and having that be the most important thing in your life is a lonely life. Like, it's not rewarding. There's no purpose behind it. Like, there's no, like, I work for my family. Right? You know what I'm saying? Like, so if you have a job, and hopefully you're lucky enough to have a job that you enjoy and, like, even if it's not like, your own business, but the thing that's going to get you up out of bed every day with a purpose that you're excited about is because you're doing it for the people you love, right? Like, you're, you know, you're doing, you know, you're living life for something greater than yourself. So, yeah, I think people should start prioritizing that more in their life, and I think they'll be a lot happier for it.

[D]

Yeah, no, I agree with that. I agree with that. And I have a giant family here where I live, you know, so that. That was, you know, a big thing that was kind of keeping me. Keeping me wanting to stay here.

[A]

Yeah. Build your family, though, you know?

[D]

Right, right, right. No, I hear you.

[A]

And, like, the family we grew up with, you know, through our parents, is. Is great, and it's important to keep that. But, like, again, I feel like everyone wants to feel like they have their family there, you know, whether that's their chosen family or their partner or their, you know, they decide to have kids or whatever. You need to, like, have your people that, you know, that were your, you know, your household. Right. Like, you know what I'm saying? Where it's like, yours, you know, and you have your traditions, and you're not just showing up for the family someone else created.

[D]

No, I got you.

[A]

Well, let me know what you end up doing.

[D]

I will.

[A]

But more importantly, if it's probably not with this guy, you got to let it go.

[C]

No, for sure.

[A]

And if you're. If you're feeling a little stale in your current surroundings, mix it up, you know, travel some, you know, just try to. You're, you know, you're 32.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I made some big changes in my life when I was your age, so. Yeah, you know, mix it up.

[D]

Got you.

[A]

All right. Take care.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. Shorter days don't have to be so dismal. It's time to reach out and check in on those you care about and remind ourselves. Ourselves that we are not alone. As seasons change and days grow darker sooner, it can be a tough time for many. This November, Better Help is encouraging everyone to reach out, check in on friends, reconnect with loved ones, and remind the people in your life that you are there. It just takes a little courage to send that message or grab coffee with someone who you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy can also feel difficult, too, but it's worth it. And it almost always leaves people wondering why I didn't do it sooner. That is so true. Whether, you know, sometimes big moments in life. I always fantasize about moving to Chicago. I lived in Milwaukee, and then one day, finally, I had the courage to do it. And I remember being like, that was really easy. Should have done that a long time ago. Therapy is kind of the same way. If you are someone who you got a lot in your mind. You're stressed out, you got some, you know, family problems, some relationship problems, money problems, and you just like are wearing down with the weight of the world. Check out Better Help. It's a great way to jump into therapy. It alleviates many of the pain points that cause people to avoid therapy. Therapy like cost. It's more affordable than in person therapy. In convenience. It's incredibly convenient. You just need a tablet, a computer, some kind of device to connect with your therapist. And the difficulties of finding a therapist are limited. With Better Help. They are working with over 30, 000 mental health professionals, making it easy for you to connect with a therapist that you feel comfortable with. You can switch as many times for free until you land on a therapist that's right for you. And that is such a key component of making therapy work. Because listen, not every therapist is created equal. Not every therapist is for you. You got to feel comfortable with this person to really feel like you can open up Better Help. Therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US this month. Don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com v I a l l that is BetterHelp h e l p.com v I a l l indulging your favorite guilty pleasure this holiday season with Happy Thursday Spiked Refreshers. No fuss, no fuse, no bubbles. Just great vibes right at your fingertips. You probably are going to be going to some parties. Maybe you'll be hosting some parties yourself this holiday season. Do yourself a favor, make the party that much more fun and stock up on some Happy Thursday Spiked Refresher. No one likes that unnecessary carbonation. No one likes those burps. You feel bloated, especially on Thanksgiving. You're already going to be eating a lot. Save that space in your belly without the extra carbonation in those burps and get yourself some Happy Thursday Spike Refresher. It's a must have at every party. It's delicious. So many great flavors. Everyone will love it. It'll be the talk of the party. If you are going to the party, bring your guests some Happy Thursday Spike Refresher. If you're hosting a party, make sure you're stocking up because everyone will appreciate it. You can make some amazing cocktails with Happy Thursday Spike Refresher. Choose your favorite liquor and Mix it with a Happy Thursday Spike refresher and I promise you it will be delicious. You can make so many delicious cocktails and use that Happy Thursday as a delicious mixture. You will be thrilled that you did. All their flav are great strawberry, Pineapple Star fruit, Raspberry Dragon fruit and Mango passion fruit. Hard to pick a favorite. They're all delicious and they will be great at your next holiday party. So if you are feeling thirsty this holiday season, have a Happy Thursday. To find out more or to find a Happy Thursday near you, visit drinkhappy Thursday.com v I a l l that is drinkhappy Thursday.com v I A l l Celebrate responsibly Non carbonated, naturally flavored with other natural flavors 21 plus contains alcohol 2025 Molson Coors Beverage Co. Milwaukee.

[B]

Wisconsin Beer the holidays are just around the corner and you know what that means. It's time to get your home ready. Whether it's making sure you have enough seating for everyone, picking up fun new serve, wearing cookware, or decking the halls with holiday decor, Wayfair has you covered and right now you can get up to 70% off during Wayfair's Black Friday sale. Plus you can sit back and relax with Wayfair's fast and easy shipping, everything comes right to your house just in time for the holidays. As y' all know, I have been decorating for the holidays for months now and thank God I have because Wayfair has had everything that I've been looking for in stock, easy shipping and even on the big stuff, they help set it up. If you're looking for bedding, bath basics, kids rooms, home decor, inflatables, kitchen essentials, living room refresh, whatever it is you're looking for, Wayfair has it. They have a huge selection of home goods. Everything you need for your living room, outdoor areas, bedrooms and more. Wayfair is the go to destination for everything home, no matter your style or budget and you can earn rewards to get the best savings in the neighborhood with Wayfair's new loyalty program. 5% back on every item across Wayfair's family of brands. Free shipping member only sales and more terms apply. Don't miss out on early Black Friday deals. Head to Wayfair.com now to shop Wafer's Black Friday deals for up to 70% off. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com sale ends December 7th.

[A]

How's it going?

[D]

It's okay.

[A]

What's your name?

[C]

Mary hi, Mary.

[A]

How old are you?

[C]

I'm 35.

[A]

How can I help?

[C]

So I'm dating this amazing guy, but his past is ruining my friendships.

[A]

All right, if he's so amazing, then tell me about his past and why that's ruining your friendships.

[C]

Well, his past is, like, very highly stigmatized, so just, like, the wording of it will automatically trigger a lot of people.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But then I know some of the details of it, and in my opinion, it doesn't really, like, clash with my own moral values.

[A]

Gotcha. What can you share with me the. The thing that is triggering it involved?

[C]

Like, I don't know, because it's kind of. I'm already kind of, like, nervous, like, saying it, because I've had some really bad reactions from friends. But I think easier to say would be, like, if, like, my motto in life has always been, like, do whatever you want as long as you don't intentionally try to cause harm or hurt anyone. And I feel like that was the case for him, but he made some mistakes and. And, like, went to visit a place that he knew probably had some bad stuff there. And. Yeah.

[A]

Are you. I mean. I mean, I want you to share your comfort level. This obviously is anonymous, but it's just hard to give advice without knowing the details.

[C]

Okay, so I'll just say it. He's a tier 2 sex offender or for pandering images. But that wasn't, like, the whole thing. Like, he went to a porn site, and apparently that specific porn site has the reputation of having illegal content. So the wrong that he did is, like, any reasonable person going to this website should already know that you could come across something illegal. And he went to that porn site consciously.

[A]

Did he? Claiming he didn't know?

[C]

I think he. I'm pretty sure he did know. And here's the catch. I'm a little of a, like, an online snoop. So I actually found out all of this information before our first date, and I made the judgment call that I felt like there's more nuance to the situation. All right, and there is. There is.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, well, listen. I mean, obviously you're right. That's a very triggering word for people. I don't know what Tier 2 means. I don't know if. If. If, like, the word underage is involved in this scenario at all or what illegal porn content, you know, like, obviously a huge red flag. The harsh way of saying this is all of our actions have consequences. And by consequences always has this negative connotation, but consequences, I guess, like, cause and effect. You Know, we make a choice. There's a result of that choice. That result can have positive, you know, in your case. Right. Like, you made a choice. And from your perspective at this stage, as far as your relationship goes, you feel like you made the right choice because you feel like the guy, the man you got to know is a great guy, you know, and despite whatever happened in his past, you feel comfortable with his explanation. And the person you've gotten to know, you feel good about. Right. The additional consequence. Right. Or the other effect, as your friends are just like, they hear about this word and they're out. You know, it's just an immediate checkout. There's not like, girl, I. I don't. I don't want to hear the why. It's just more like I already have the ick and I feel un. I can't. And let me ask you this, because I'm curious. You mentioned you're a snooper, right? So what did you find or not find? Because before you said yes to this date, you knew about this. So what was so good about him that made you overlook this huge red flag?

[C]

Well, when we first started talking, like, it was just, like, the casual banter. He was making some. Some jokes about something. But then I was trying to reference something on his profile because he said that he specifically wanted to go slow and he was looking for a hookup. So I kind of, like, segued away from the joking and I went straight into, like, the deep questions. And I said, like, what's your definition of going slow? Because maybe our definitions are different. And he tried to deflect at first, but. And then I just caught him out on his bullshit, like, stop deflecting and just answer my. My damn question. And he actually did come back with, like, a really, like, meaningful question. And ever since then, it's just been a ton of meaningful conversations. And then literally the next day, we had, like, a five hour phone call, and it's.

[A]

How'd you guys meet? Online. Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So this. This conversation before you met up in person, this is. This. You guys were talking on the app, so to speak. Were. You were getting to know him.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

This. This conversation you just described?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's the one on the app. Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then obviously the phone call was when we gave each other each other's numbers.

[A]

Gotcha. And then at some point, you did a background check, so to speak.

[C]

Yeah. So we had a little bit of a hiccup, like, two days after we match, because I am the kind of person that I'm. I'm neurodivergent, so I will hyper focus on something so I can feel like I'm in control. For example, he. I was telling him a story about how I got the ick from a date with a guy where it was a great date, but then at the end of the night when I hugged him, like, his smell was off. And maybe it's because we went on a long walk and it was just this natural sweat. But then I've only ever had the ick one time, and that was a true ick. But, like, in terms of all the people I've dated, it's like a very small percentage. But still, that small percentage, like, kind of makes me, like, worry because I. I hate first dates. I always say, like, I just want to get the first date out of the way, and every other date after that will just be much better. And that's usually always the case. So I was telling him how nervous I was, and he was like, okay, how about I send you a picture? And he sent me a picture, another, like, a more updated picture. And he wasn't, like, smiling in this picture. And I don't know why my brain did this, but I was like, do you think you can send me another one with a smile on it? And he felt a little judged by me, and he was like, I don't know if we're really that compatible, because I don't want to be so self conscious about how I look all the time. And. And then at that point, I was like, oh, my God, what am I doing? So I went through, like, the whole, like, I had to disconnect for, like, couple hours to regulate myself, and. And I came back with, like, a real apology, and he accepted it, but he's like, I still need some time. And so we took a few days.

[A]

Some time for what? Because you asked for a second picture.

[C]

Yeah, second picture. Because he felt like I was being.

[A]

So to be clear, all you said is, do you have another picture where you're smiling?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you didn't. Like, you didn't say, do you have another picture where you're smiling because you look ugly here?

[C]

No, I didn't say he looked ugly. I just. Yeah, I just.

[A]

Did you say he looked bad?

[C]

No, I just.

[A]

Did you criticize him at all?

[C]

I think the adjective I used was, I feel like you look a little glum in this photo.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Do you mind sending me, like, a happier picture or something? And he felt like I was, like, being a little critical. And then he started to worry that maybe I. My standards are too high in terms of, like, does he have to, like, always overthink about how he presents himself to me? Because I'm already asking a question about how his smile or his face is.

[A]

I mean, I don't think what you said is all that bad. Now, he has the right to be sensitive, but, yeah, it sounds like he's being a little overly sensitive, but whatever. And I don't necessarily think he was being manipulative. And, like, I think people can be, you know. You know, we were so quick to, like, accuse people being manipulative and gaslighting or whatever and things like that. And I'm not suggesting that, but whether it's intentional or unintentional, a power dynamic can form when you feel like you did something wrong with someone that you like, right? And if someone is like, that hurt my feelings. And if someone's really good at setting a boundary when their feelings are hurt, right? And saying, well, you hurt my feelings. So because you hurt my feelings, I need to take a step back and process my feelings without the fear of that person saying, yeah, I don't. Okay, I'm out. You know what I'm saying? Like, so that. That power, that confidence in setting that boundary creates a power dynamic. Right? You know, it's like. It's like we. You know, like, we like to chase. Right? So not. And when I say power dynamic dynamic, I mean these little subtle moments early in dating where one person decides, oh, I like you, and the other person's, like, unsure, while the unsure person has a little bit more power because the other person's like, I've already decided, and I like you. And so now I feel like I need to prove it to you. And. And you hold all the cards, so to speak. Right? And so it seems odd to me that you apologize for something that I don't think was all that big of a deal. And then he was like, I still need more time to what? To process this, you know?

[C]

Like, because. Because I feel like he's like, if we're already having. If I'm already feeling this way, like, feeling like you're criticizing me or judging my, like. Like, my appearance.

[A]

You weren't judging his appearance. You were potentially judging his.

[C]

Like, I mean, I. I mean, I feel like if I look back at it, I don't. I feel like I really shouldn't have asked for a smiling picture. I should have just been like, oh, wait, cool. That's. That's what I think.

[A]

But listen, like, I don't you know, you mentioned you're neurodivergent. I don't know, maybe you have a tendency of saying things that come across as a little direct or rude at times and maybe that for some people can find it offensive. Whatever in the, on, on the scale or the spectrum, pun intended, of, of whether this was rude for you. I think it was a 1 out of 10. Like, it's just like. And I hit. Listen, I know, I know what it's like for people to come up to me and be like, why aren't you having fun? Smile more. And I, it's annoying to me. And maybe you annoyed them, maybe you hit a trigger.

[C]

But like, and maybe I think I'm a little also triggered from my past because you are right. Because I do come across as unintentionally rude. And it's funny because in other past relationships I have the reputation of going to a party and there's always like one person that vehemently hates me and I don't understand why. And when you ask other people, they seem to be, to be like, what's the problem here? But it's like, it just seems like too much of a coincidence for it to keep on happening with new groups of people that aren't even related.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, listen, I, I'm not, I, I'm, I'm not one for labeling myself. I don't, I find, I find labels these days to be self limiting. But if I go the. I know that if I. Because I have been once out of sheer curiosity. But if I, according to the neurodivergent website, I'm one of you. And at times in my life I've had. I'm a direct person. We all know this, like ass Nick is all predicated on me being like, I don't give a what you think. This is how I feel. Right. I'm going to tell you directly to your face. And I have the benefit of doing that because I have this show. Right? But yeah, I've had, I've had to learn tact in my life. I've, I have lacked nuance because like, I don't know, maybe it's my neurodivergent Blaine or, or not. But like, sometimes I just don't lack the patience to like sugarcoat things because it's like I don't care about your feelings. It doesn't make it untrue. Right. And my whole life, like you, I've never been the most popular person. I'm not a people pleaser. I've always had My critics, whether it's as a public figure or just in small groups, because, like, I am who I am. I've always been comfortable who I am. And so, like you, I, you know, I've always rubbed someone the wrong way. But, like, listen, like, you just gotta accept who you are. And unless. And again, I. As someone who knows what it's like to be overly direct, I've had to learn nuance. And for my own sake, I have learned tact in a way. And, you know, so much what I talk about on the show is how you deliver something, how you communicate your words and your words matter, and the nuance of how you say something, I'm good at that now because I've had to work on it, right? So I can, like, I can put myself and empathize and put myself in other people's shoes and think about, okay, if I heard that, how would I receive that? Because when you say these direct things, you're not. Your first initial thought isn't, how's this person going to receive it? You're just like, this is the truth. And I want to be honest, and I'm just going to speak my truth. Right? And your truth was like. But all I'm saying in the grand scheme of things is whether you are neurodivergent or not, asking for a picture in a dating situation, especially with someone who's a total stranger, asking for a photo, which they're smiling, is a total, totally reasonable request.

[C]

And I think he recognized that because, like, later on I asked him, like, so why did you, like, change your mind after you were so upset after the first, like, little fight we had. And he's like, well, I. I know your. Your quirks a little bit better, so I know that you don't mean to come across certain ways. So. So it's a lot easier to manage on his end because he's already gotten to know the quirks.

[A]

Yeah, listen, I. I can't tell you what to do is like, you. You're. There's just zero guarantee. And if you want to date this guy, you are simply just gonna have to accept that his past is going to be extraordinarily triggering for your friends and your family. And it's going to take an incredible amount of time for him, and it may never happen for people around you to accept him because, like, they're obviously one. They're going to be protective of you, I guess. Adam, just out of curiosity, because you believe that he was aware of whatever this website was, you believe that he was Aware of its content, and he still chose to go to this. Now, I'm assuming that this website isn't your classic porn website that, like, you know, the, the masses go to, and certainly there's some weird fucking titles to porn these days, but it's all consensual, it's all adults, and it's everyone's understanding that it's legal. Right. And if he knew he was going to an illegal website, why are you comfortable with that? And what, what I would want to know from your point of view, what do you think he's learned or what has changed about him from the man who, who did that to the man he is today?

[C]

Well, if I put myself in his shoes.

[A]

I don't want you to put yourself in his shoes. I want you to. Yeah, I want you to. Just as someone, you're playing judge, I want you to put yourself in a judge's shoes. Right. I want you to be critical of this guy, open to giving him grace, open to the possibility that people can learn. But I want you to critically question, like, what is different about him? The man who you believe was aware of how this was illegal, right? Like, just for. It's like, let's, let's take the buzz. He, you know, you knew, he knew that robbing a bank was illegal. He robbed a bank. Anyways, five years later you met this guy. He regrets robbing the bank. Maybe it's because he got caught, I don't know. But like, you know what I'm saying, let's take the sexual offender out of it, but let's, you know, he robbed a bank. So, like, that person you're dating, you knew he knew it was wrong. So what do you think is different about him from that person today? What has he learned?

[C]

Well, I mean, like, I feel like ever since I found that out on my own, like, I've been pretty. Like, I've been trying to like, observe him and try to see the red flags, other red flags besides that. And every, every, almost every interaction is like, I feel like a green flag. Like, when I want to have a deep conversation, he doesn't, like, lean into like, his. With his natural withdrawal. Like, he'll still stay in the conversation even if it makes him uncomfortable. And I feel like that says a lot because I've known so many people that you can't even have like a deep conversation with.

[A]

And I mean, that is definitely a good quality has. But like, just going back to my example, you can be really good at having deep conversations and connect with people and Be a murderer. So it's like having a deep conversation. Like if he was a murderer and he murdered someone, but it was still simultaneous, like, that might be a green flag, but that doesn't speak to anything about how he's changed about the red flag. They're just both like. So like, literally they both coexist.

[C]

Like, for example, like when we had our first kiss, like, he was, he, he. He wouldn't initiate the first kiss until, like, I was ready. So I was the one who initiated that.

[A]

Have you asked him about this situation?

[C]

Not. Okay, that will be like another red flag. He has not disclosed that to me yet.

[A]

Oh yeah, that's a huge one.

[C]

But at the same time, I feel like if I was like an. So then, I don't know, I think it would be possible that I would also have like this paralyzing fear. And then plus, plus we have, we still have certain things to like, talk through that, like, I don't know, I feel like getting to know each other more. Like if we're actually going to be compatible long terms in terms of like, what we want, how we're going to deal with certain kind of conflicts and all that stuff and. Yeah, so we're.

[A]

What? So, so you really have no idea if he is just better at committing his crimes or if he's really stopped his crimes.

[C]

Well, when I'm with him, like, I feel like occasionally I get annoyed because sometimes he is a little too by the book. Like, for example, we went to the grocery store and someone had left behind a dollar. And I was, in my head, I was like, we can use that $1 towards our groceries. But then he insisted that we give the dollar.

[A]

Then that's a great sign. And that is a green flag. That doesn't necessarily mean, you know, you're, you are, you know, the. What I'm worried for you is, is that like one, you have convinced yourself you don't need to have this conversation with him and you are a little too empathetic.

[C]

No, the conversation definitely needs to happen. Yeah, yeah, but I won't come. I'm not, I'm not going to commit to him or anything. I'm just, I'm. I'm still getting to know him.

[D]

That's how.

[A]

Well, I'm glad that. I'm glad you're there on that and not all in, but I think you just need to have it sooner than later. You clearly care about the guy and you seem more than willing to give him grace and, and, and you, you clearly want to see the good in them, that's for sure. Because you like them, right? I'm just saying, like these, these. You're looking for green flags. And when we're looking for things, it's, you know, easier to find.

[C]

I. I think I feel like I'm also looking for the red flags too, because maybe a lot of times throughout the.

[A]

Though, I guess what I'm saying is green flags don't cancel out red flags, right? So finding a dollar and giving it to its owner doesn't mean he's still not going to illegal websites, you know, that's all I'm saying. Maybe he's so by the book because he has this one dark secret, maybe not. Or maybe he's truly, like, worked on himself and he was like, I, you know, I don't know why I did that, but I've definitely been working on myself and I've been in an extensive therapy to really understand why I did what I did. And listen, it's something I'm have to live with the rest of my life and I truly regret it. And if you don't want to be with me, I'll understand. But like, I am not that man anymore. And he really wants to own what he did wrong. So much so that he really is fighting against other people to stop them from perpetuating the same crime. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, like, it could be that, you know, he definitely. I'm not saying, but like, you don't know. And all I'm saying is being kind to waiters or returning dollar bills or paying the 10 cents for a plastic bag. If you lived in California where a lot of people are like, yeah, I don't care. I'm not paying that because it's on the honor system doesn't mean he's not doing this stuff, you know. And so adding up all these green flags don't really give you any insight into this one big red flag that you're aware of that he doesn't know that you're aware of. Serial killers have had families and kids and have been able to, you know, hide that. Right? I'm not saying he's. That. I'm just simply saying you get my point of the green flags don't cancel out the red flags.

[C]

I think what I'm struggling with, like, if, if I was like, if I had a secret like that, like, how would people expect me to find love? You know, like, I would disclose it. And maybe if that person, like, accepts me, but then, but then their friends.

[A]

Don'T accept Me, I don't, I don't know. That's a consequence he has to live with. But it's not your job to like, you're not his savior, you know what I'm saying? It's not like, well, he'll never find love if it's not for me. So I have to, you know, I.

[C]

Don'T think I'm trying to. I don't, I really don't think I'm trying to like, prove a point to myself. Like, oh, I can be the one that can. I can like appreciate and that's good.

[A]

I'm just saying like, there's, there's. I'm glad that you're, you're a type of person who wants to see the good in people and I'm glad that you're capable of offering people grace and empathy. But you still have to be willing to like, ask the tough questions, hold them accountable and, and go from there. You know, you clearly are, are, are willing to see the good in this guy. So you also just need to hear it from the horse's mouth and ask him direct questions and then think about those answers and how you feel about his answers and whether his answers actually make sense. And do you feel comfortable that this is a man who's truly contrite and really changed and he's safe for you to continue to change or not? Right. But you are clearly willing to do that. So the question you keep asking is, well, how is he going to find love? I mean like he find love is. Well, two. One is meet someone like you and two actually have made the appropriate changes in his life. Right. And, and for most people, most people will never give him the time of a day or accept what he did. That, that's them. Right? This is your life. You can do what you want. You're an adult. People can change. It's rare, but it's not impossible. And if you're willing to be someone who's willing to be open minded to look past his past, you still need to know that your future is safe and that he has made the appropriate changes and he has in. He is not the man that made those terrible choices.

[C]

Yeah. And like in the best case scenario, I honestly feel like he, he is all those things. I really feel like he doesn't even care to look at porn.

[A]

Like, like, I mean, but you have to. You, that's not something you should be assuming or guessing or just simply following your gut.

[C]

How do you prove, like if someone's still doing that, it's not proof but.

[A]

You should at least be able to talk with him about this.

[C]

We've talked about porn before.

[A]

Okay, but that's different. I mean, I. I'm really good at reading people. I really. I mean, I'm. I'm, I'm, I'm. I think I'm one of the best out there. I've been lied to several times, very convincingly. You know, I'm not a mind reader, so. Listen, people lie. I'm not saying he's a liar, but, like you. Just because you've talked about porn. I have. No, listen, he knows. He probably. There's a good. I mean, unless he's an idiot, there's a 50, 50 chance he's wondering if you know already because it's public information.

[C]

Like, he's been so consistent. And that's the thing. Yeah, that's. That's the thing.

[A]

Because usually I just go back to my original saying is none of his green flags absolve the red flag. And you need to deal with the red flag. Understand the red flag. Have a conversation about the red flag. Not assume, not trust your gut, not interpret. You just need to hear it from the horse's mouth and have a direct conversation. And even then, to your point, yes, he could still lie. You're not going to track his, you know, Internet history or whatever, but you should. You need to hear it from him. You need to see his body language. You need to look him in the face. The fact that you already know and the fact that you have chosen to date him is a great place to start when you decide to confront him about this. And because there's no doubt that he has been waiting for this bomb to drop, there's not a person he dates unless, again, if he's not worried about it and if he acts defensive or surprised, then that's a huge red flag, right? Because a human being, a normal human being with guilt and fear and, and of. Of consequence, this is. This should be a dark cloud hanging over his head, right? The fact that you already know, you could sit him down and say, hey, listen, first of all, I want you to know that since I've. Since our first date, I've already known this. And I really wanted to get to know you, the person. But I do want to talk about the fact that you are a registered sex offender.

[C]

Is. Am I also kind of like the. Because if I was from his perspective, like, if someone told me, like, you've already known this this whole time. Why didn't you tell me you knew this already?

[A]

You listen, I Don't know how he's going to. That would honestly make me feel a little like I'm the problem.

[C]

That equation too, because maybe I should have already told him from the very first.

[A]

I honestly know. I mean, listen, I, I think as your friend, you should have brought it up. And I think you've put yourself at risk by not addressing this already. Right. But that's me as your friend from his point of view. Honestly, I think that information would make him feel safer because that tells me that, like, she's already known, she's already accepted me. She's already given me a chance. She already said yes to a date when she could have said no. Right. And you could say, well, because I wanted to see. I. You could say, I believe people can change. And I really liked a lot about you and I liked our conversations and I was open to the possibility that, like, that this was something from your past that like, you've worked through and regret. But I want to talk about it because I still want to understand that part of your life and I want to make sure that is, that's in your past. But you already knowing and already saying yes to a date tells him that you're willing to accept him. You know, that shouldn't make him feel safer. What he's, I'm assuming, afraid of is that you don't know. And he's like, when do I tell her? How do I tell her? Do I not tell her? It's a bit of a r. You need to address the fact that, like, he hasn't told you. And you can say, well, I, you know, I wanted to see how you would bring this up to me because I might be open minded to see you, but, like, it was your responsibility to tell me because it's your responsibility to disclose information that, like, it could affect my life. Even if he was set up, he has the right to disclose that to you because even for this, like, you dating someone who's a registered sex offender has put your relationships with your friends at risk. Even that. Right. You know what I'm saying? There are consequences to actions and he just has to deal with that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And the fact that he's not dealing with that is a red flag.

[C]

Yeah. And I feel like if I was, because I feel like I still have more to get to know about him as a person.

[A]

This is, this shouldn't be the last thing you get to know. You don't want to fall in love with this guy and then address it. I think you've gotten to know him Enough to know that there's something there. You like the potential. You like a lot of things about him. But, like, it's time to. It's time to have this conversation.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

And you. And you not having it is. Is you being too afraid to do it and. And. And putting yourself at risk.

[C]

I. I've kind of, like, subtly, like, alluded to, like, that. The topic of disclosure, where I was like, well, I had an ex that was an alcoholic. But then the whole time we were dating, he didn't drink a lot. But then after we became official, he started drinking a ton and blacking out. And I felt like I should have been aware of that before committing myself to him. And then I was already too emotionally deep in the relationship that it was hard to leave, and I stayed too long. And his response to that is that, like, if before he said, before I commit to anyone, like, if I had something like that, I would. I would bring that up, because why would I want to be in a relationship if they couldn't accept all of me? So if.

[A]

I mean, you could call him on his bluff and you could say, hey, I. How long. How long you guys been talking?

[C]

Like, next week will be, like, six months.

[A]

Six months. All right, so that's. Come on. Way too much time for you guys for him not to disclose, and certainly plenty of time for you to say, hey, I really like where this is going. Let's talk commitment. And at that point, he should say, all right, before we do, I need to tell you something.

[C]

Okay. But I think that'll be an easier segue, I guess.

[A]

But what if he. I. I'm. I'm banking on the fact he's not going to.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

If he hasn't told you now in six months, he's not planning on telling. Telling you. He's definitely in the category of, like, there's no. There was no good time. And after six months and I got. I just got too afraid and I was too committed, and, like, he's. Listen, like, there's a lot of people who. Who justify withholding information. It doesn't make them horrible people. I mean, we've all done it, right? It doesn't mean it's not wrong.

[C]

I feel like if I was pushing to be, like, in a serious relationship, I feel like it would definitely be a red flag of the.

[A]

You're. But you are, though. Like, it's affected your friendships. You're pretty committed to this guy. You're calling in, you know, like, you're pretty. Like, at this point, I don't Know what you're doing. If not, like, well, the next step is, you know, otherwise you're, what are you doing?

[C]

Like, the issue is like, he, like all of, all of the therapy I've been about, like relationships, the common message is like, you have to, you have to like reflect on how does this person make you feel? Like, not, not what you, not what he does for you, but how does he make you feel?

[A]

And yeah, overall, but there are definite. That's not the, that's not the only thing. Our feelings aren't always correct. Our feelings are often temporary. Our feelings are often influenced by other variables. And you've heard me say this, like, how does he make you feel? How do they make you feel? Because so many times I talk to people who, who don't ask themselves that. They're not considering that they've been in relationships where they're miserable for years. That's why I, I say that. But that is not, it is not a catch all and it is not the golden rule and it is not the absolute. And it doesn't mean that like, that you ignore other red flags.

[C]

All right? And like, say that like the conversation goes well. And then I tell him, like, I'm, I like where this is going. I want to talk about commitment. And then he tells me everything and everything is just like a wonderful relationship. But then at the same time, like, there's like the common like wisdom out there saying, like, no guy is worth losing all your friends for. So even if he is, I would disagree with that. I mean, really, that's surprising.

[A]

Well, in the concept that I think, you know, I said this to our last caller and maybe it's because I'm in my like, dad, husband era, but like, if your friends are your chosen family and you want to grow old with your friends and your friends want to grow old with you and they have, and they're not looking to settle down with other people or start family of your own, then, sure, but like, I think true happiness comes from like building your family and having your people, right? And maybe it is a group of friends who grow, grow old together and you guys are your support system. But for most people, it's finding a partner, it's starting a family. And if that's something you want for yourself, then yeah, I don't want you to have to sacrifice your friends. But if it, you know, when you say for the right guy, you know, maybe your friends are shitty, maybe your friends are selfish. At some point, most friends end up getting married and having kids and lives get busy. And it's not that you give up your friends. You just like see them twice a year and before you used to see them five days a week. And so for the right person, yeah, like, you know, friendships aren't the priority. It's, you know, building a life with someone. Because, you know, for me and for most people, that's where people find true joy and purpose and happiness. It's not for work, if we're not from work or superficial accolades, those are all temporary and fleeting. But like, you know, when you die, a lot of people are going to reflect on the life they built with someone and the children they created or, or, you know, you know, it's not going to be some job you had when you were 40 or 30, you know, not for everyone, but like, for most people. You know what I'm saying? So again, I'm speaking in like hyperbolic terms right now, but I guess my point is like, listen, like, you have a long, like, you need to have a conversation with this guy and then, you know, as far as your friends, you're just going to really have to decide whether this guy's worth it. You know, you might lose some friends along the way, right? But if, if he, if you're right about him, right. Then it comes down to whether you're, you're right or wrong about him, right? If, if he really is contrite, if he's really changed, if he really is a good guy, you know, and he really made a mistake, that he has had a huge wake up call and, and, and, and is safe to be around and doesn't hurt others and, and is really contrite, then like, you will make other friends. Some friends will come around, some friends will, you know, and it'll work itself out. But you have to be right. And when you have this conversation with him, you can't look to breeze through it and you can't look to like make this an easy conversation with him. You have to like really be discerning. You have to be willing to ask follow up questions even if that makes him uncomfortable. And he has to be willing to not get defensive and he should be incredibly thankful that you already knew and you were willing to get to know him and, and you're having this conversation for the purposes that you are excited about what you learned so far and you want to and you hope to continue this relationship, but you really need to understand about his past, why he hasn't disclosed it yet. And if, is this something that's truly in his past?

[C]

All right? I hear that. I'm still, I feel like I'm still, like, still stuck on the whole friendship thing because I keep my friendship group, like, really small. Like, I really only have three best friends. So if one friend rejects me, that's like 33% of my, my friends, like.

[A]

Just, yeah, listen, you should trust your friends. I, I would hear your friends out. I would hear their concerns.

[D]

And.

[C]

But one of the, one of the things, like, okay, so only, like, one of the friends I told the whole truth to, because she's, like, the most, she's my most emotionally safe friend, okay. And she was like, I need to put about, Take it, like, have a boundary. Like, like, I will support your happiness. I don't really support the decision to date this guy. And at first her, her boundary was like, I don't ever want to meet him. I can't be associated with him because of work and personal life or. And whatnot. But then, like, several months later, she kind of, like, softened a little bit, and she, like, reasoned that, oh, well, she was really stressed with work, so she just was really harsh. And she said that if this is the guy for you, then I will, like, be involved in, like, the important moments of your guys's life or whatnot. And the other two friends, I didn't tell them the whole big picture. I just said that he has something in his past. And the one friend who's, like, really easygoing, she's like, don't bring it up if you're not gonna, like, tell the whole thing. And so she was annoyed.

[A]

She got a point. Your friends just want you to be safe. And also they want to be safe if they're gonna be around a guy who, you know, and you have to make sure this guy you're bringing around other people is safe, you know?

[C]

Yeah. And then in the beginning, I was really struggling with, like, the ethics and morals, like, what do I owe people? And, and I think I maybe realized it a little late, but I feel like now I feel like it's his story. I shouldn't be.

[A]

Well, there's a reason why sex offenders are registered, because people have a right to know who these people are.

[C]

So. Okay, now again, I'm not, I'm not, but I'm not. I, I shouldn't be responsible for fencing that. Like, if he, like, if we're going to be serious and my friends want to know the big picture, it should come from him. Right? Because I shouldn't be here.

[A]

I mean, listen, I, I, I don't know. I, I. You're Right. It's a nuanced conversation. I don't, I don't know. But I think back to the heart of our conversation. You don't have the answers. You need to, may even, even make these determinations yet. Right. Because while your gut tells you he's a good guy and you've had a lot of green flags, you haven't been willing to have the conversation you need to have, and it's long overdue. You've been hanging out with him for six months and all these other what if and scenarios and, and, and thought studies and thought experiments you're having in your head about, like, what I should have, could have done. I don't know. None of that really matters. You just need to have the goddamn conversation with him and you need to do it. And you need to stop making excuses and justifying why you haven't and, and, and kicking the can down the road. And you just need to have it. And then you can decide from there the friends or whatever. Like, you need to have this conversation first because it could answer all your questions. It might go terribly where you re. He really reveals some things that, like, you're like, I don't know, I was wrong about him. I don't know. That's, you know, I don't think I can hand out with them, hey anymore. And that will answer all your questions. But you, you, you know, that's the information you need to figure out first. And then when, if you get all the answers you want, it's a great conversation and you feel safe and comfortable and you think, you know what? I really think he's a good guy. Then you can start figuring out the friends. And the answer is like, yeah, it's going to be some version of these friends you'll have to be discerning about, like, you know, bringing them out in public with people and introducing your boyfriend. If he becomes your boyfriend, if for some reason your friends are alone with this guy where they may otherwise would want to know, then maybe you might have to decide to tell them, you know?

[C]

Yeah, I feel like if we got to that point, I would definitely be wanting to have the conversation about, like, how do we like, manage like social interactions?

[A]

Because, well, he clearly wasn't telling people he's been dating a woman for six months and he hasn't told her.

[C]

Right, right. Okay. All right. So for, on, on the him aspect, yes, I need to have the conversation, but then on the other end with the friend thing, the one friend that I'm really thinking about right now, is the brutally, brutally honest friend. And like, we've known each other for, like, over a decade. And just the fact that, like, because I felt like I shouldn't have to be the one to hold on to, to manage his story for him and.

[A]

I. Yeah, but you. Again, back to, like, if I'm this friend of yours, I'm like, I can't even make a decision of whether I can support you because you haven't talked to him about this and he hasn't disclosed it to you. And that makes me really uncomfortable knowing that. And you're not being safe by. Not by avoiding this conversation with him. So have the conversation and then let's talk about, like, whether I can accept it or not.

[C]

And if it doesn't work out with him, I still don't know how to, how to reconcile with that. My one relationship. Because now she, I, she feels like I'm an unsafe friend because she thinks.

[A]

Well, I mean, listen, you've definitely made some risky choices here, so you can just say, listen, I, I thought I was doing what's best. I love you. As a friend, I value our friendship. I'm open to your feedback. I recognize that I made some choices that weren't ultimately safe for me, and I know you had my best interest in mind. But, like, I really hope that we can be friends. And I love you. And, you know, I realized, I finally, you know, I talked to him and I didn't get the answers I want. I realized I can't be with him. And thank you for having my back. I realized that while I was upset with how you handled it, that it was out of. It was out of love.

[C]

Okay. So, yeah, I will plan on having that conversation with him soon. I think my goal will be by soon, like, immediately, like within the next seven hours. I was gonna say days.

[A]

Oh, sure. I mean, yeah, I guess give yourself to. But like, it needs to happen.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And like, it just. There's no good time to have a tough conversation. All right? I say that all the time. Seven days won't feel any different than today when you rip off the band aid or jump in the frozen pool. You just have to do it because it's always gonna hurt. It's always gonna be uncomfortable. It's always something you're just gonna have to push through. Right. Like, you don't get more mentally ready to jump in the ice cold water. You just actually have the guts to jump.

[C]

Okay. All right. And then for, like, my peace of mind going into the conversation, like, since this is nuance, it's that's basically implies this is not like a black and white situation. Because most people would say this is a very black and white, and you have to, like, cut ties immediately.

[A]

Yeah. And they wouldn't be wrong. Everyone's different. But again, like.

[C]

Because I don't know, like. Like, it's still like, a universal truth that, like, he is not. Like. Like, people with that label shouldn't. You should not give them. Give them a chance. Like, I feel like that's, like, that's kind of like the universal truth.

[A]

I don't know. I mean, like, this is kind of a crazy example, but one of the most popular movies out there is Shawshank Redemption. I bring it up because the. One of the main characters. Are you familiar with the movie?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Morgan Freeman's character. Right. Like, he was a murderer. He murdered someone in his early 20s. But the man you got to know throughout the movie was this, like, contrite and this good person and this great friend. And, you know, years went by where he regretted taking another man's life. Like, you know, like, that is possible. And when we watch Shawshank Redemption, the vast majority of people aren't watching it. And being like, what is Andy Dufresne doing? He's friends with a murderer. Fuck that guy. That's crazy, unforgivable. Black or white, no one's thinking that. You know what I'm saying? We all have empathy. We all are accepting that this man has changed and that he is safe and that while terrible, what he did, that, like, this is a different person. It is possible. It's just rare. And we have to be willing to really hold these people accountable and be willing to find out that we were wrong, that they haven't changed, that they're not safe. You have to be willing to do that. And up until this point, you haven't been willing to do that.

[C]

Yep. You're right. And I. And I knew that. I knew that. And I feel like I was trying to, like, figure out all the other aspects before doing it.

[A]

Yeah, that's just you kicking the can.

[C]

Part of me felt. Felt like me having to be the one to bring it up would be the ultimate, like, red flag deal breaker. Because part of me feels like the integrity piece of it. Like, I feel like his integrity is still, like, intact. He can. He still has an opportunity to.

[A]

Like, he. No, he. He hasn't told you his integrity is not intact. And you're acting like it's your responsibility to bring it up because you knew, like, you. You gave him Grace, you were willing to get to know the man without bringing it up and making it the center of a relationship. That's Grace. You gave him grace. If he can't see that then you know, I think you should peace out. If he just the last bit of advice before I let you go and I do have to go. If you tell him that you've known and he tries to flip that around on you and make you feel guilty for not telling you then you should run because that's him gaslighting you and that's not him recognizing the obvious thing which is you gave him grace. You were willing to be open minded. He's the one who is in the wrong for not telling you. He has kept the secret. You've kept no secret. You were just willing to be open minded.

[C]

But I kept the secret that I knew already.

[A]

I don't care. It's not your responsibility to tell him. It was his responsibility to tell you. It's his secret, not yours.

[C]

And worst case scenario and he does try to like flip it back and make me the problem. What would a good response to him.

[A]

Be Like I. I think this. I. I don't think we should hang out anymore. Best of luck. Goodbye.

[C]

That's it. Okay. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. He don't like if again like if he's the type of per. You know, I just want to make sure he's not good at flipping it around being you know, gaslighting and manipulative like trying to you know again I. That that would be a huge thing to watch out for. If he tries to make you feel bad for not telling him and flipping that around. I would run. I would immediately run and there's.

[C]

And after. At that point there's. There's no chance of.

[A]

Of I don't think so.

[C]

There's like no coming back. There's no coming back. Like there's no amount of being sorry for.

[A]

I just think that's such a. Given the stakes and given the circumstances that is just, you know, this is not. That's not a man who's learned. It's it really. You're right. It's nothing really to do with what he did but is showing you that this is a person who is very quick to get on the defensive and instead of just owning his mistakes he is. He blames you. He's gaslighting you. So like that wouldn't tell me a guy who's made such a horrible smoke that he did has really done. You know that tells you so much about someone's ability to take accountability and ownership for their mistakes. And to me, that would say that everything you've seen before the dollar is always just performative bullshit to mask the person who he really is.

[C]

And it doesn't matter that, like during previous conflicts, that he took accountability during those conflicts.

[A]

Again, if.

[C]

Yeah, no, yeah, because we need to have a conversation.

[A]

Because he just. Again, he should just be like, well, he could say, yeah, I guess I wish you would have told me, but, like, more, you know, then. But I should have told you. It's my response. I'm sorry for not telling you. And thank you for giving me grace. Especially when you explain yourself, there's just no version where you did something wrong. It's not your secret. It's his secret. You were waiting for him to see if he would tell you. You were trying to find out, is this a guy I can trust? Is he going to disclose something he needs to disclose to me?

[C]

All right. Okay.

[A]

If he tries to turn that around on you, then he is not. Then. Then that is so revealing.

[C]

Okay. All right. I think I can stick with that. One last thing. Due to my neurodivergence, I feel like in person, confrontation is uncomfortable.

[A]

I think you need to do it in person.

[C]

Okay. Gotta do it in person.

[A]

Don't sell yourself short. You can work through discomfort. If you can work through this, you can work through that. Right. Don't. Don't sell yourself short.

[C]

All right. So don't allow myself to be tempted to have this conversation over the phone. I have to resist that temptation. Right?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, listen, have it however you need to have it, but if you want to do it because you want to, you want to hear his body language, you want to see. You need to really know that you can trust this person, and you need to really get all the variables.

[C]

Okay? Yeah. All right. Gotcha.

[A]

All right. Good.

[C]

Good information.

[A]

Okay. All right. Thanks for the call. I appreciate you.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Please let me know how this goes.

[C]

Yes, I will.

[A]

All right, I'll talk to you soon. All right, bye. Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[B]

The temps are dropping and comfort food is calling. Lately, we've been living on cozy soups and baked dishes. And our caraway cookware makes it all effortless. Even heating, no sticking, and cleanup takes seconds. Cozy meals taste better when your cookware keeps up. Check out caraway for non toxic, non stick perfection this season. Talk about a great gift to give somebody that you love this holiday season. There is nothing better than caraway from their butcher blocks made of thick premium wooden surfaces crafted with walnut and made maple wood, ensuring a plastic free cutting surface that's as beautiful as it is durable and doubles as decor to their mini utensils crafted with premium birchwood that are compact, easy to store and perfect for everyday tasks. The average adult unknowingly consumes over 150,000 plastic particles every year. Over 70% of cooking and baking pans sold in America are coated with PTFEs. Microwaving plastic for three minutes can release over 4 million microplastics. So do the right thing for you and your family and switch to Caraway. The holidays are closer than ever, so get their gift or yours in time. Visit carawayhome.com v I a l l 10 to take advantage of this limited time offer for up to 20 off your next purchase. Again, that's Carawayhome.com v I a l l 10 to get new kitchenware before the holidays. Caraway Non Toxic Cookware made Modern when.

[A]

Life gets busy, workouts are often the first thing to go. With tonal, you can make sure you're checking workout off your to do list with their smart and compact strength training system right in your home. 247 the Tonal Gym is incredible. I got so many friends who have it. I'm getting one at the lake. I'm so excited about it. It's incredible the workouts that come with it. Everyone I ask, when I was just like looking for, you know, my tonal was like, do you use it? They're like all the time. It has everything you need. Men, women, wherever you are in your fitness stage, Tonal is perfect for you because it really adjusts. It's incredibly smart technology. They have a great instructor, so many great classes. Tonal provides the convenience of a full gym and the guidance of a personal trainer any time at home. With one sleek system designed to reduce your mental load. Tonal is the ultimate strength training, helping you focus less on workout planning and more on getting results. That's what I love it for. So I don't have time to like, think of a good workout. There's so many great workouts that will kick your butt in a short period of time. You can get in, get out. No more wasting time going to the gym, changing all those things. It's amazing how efficient you can be and how much of a great workout you can get when that tunnel gym is right in your home. It's slick. It's, it doesn't look bulky. You can have it, you know, set up a nice home gym in the garage or just a little space in a room it's incredibly convenient. It looks great. It doesn't have, you know, so many like home gyms are bulky and take up a lot of space. Not the Tonal gym. Tonal is the ultimate strength training system. A full gym's worth of equipment, coaching and expert personal trainers on demand 24. Seven in your home. Black Friday preview is on for a limited time. Tonal is offering our listeners a thousand dollars off your Tonal 2 to purchase. That's Tonal.com for a thousand dollars off your purchase. Tonal.com for a thousand dollars off Fall always feels like a reset. Between back to school busier routines and shorter days, finding time to cook can be tough. Boy, do we know it. I certainly love to cook. You know all about it. But since we are on the go, there are just some days where it just like feels a little tedious to go grocery shopping, meal prep and all those things. And that's where Factor Meal has come in to save the day for us. Because we very much still care about what we put in our bodies and we want to have healthy meals with healthy ingredients. And that's why we love Factor. Their chef prep dietitian approved meals make it easier to stay on track and enjoy something comforting and delicious no matter how hectic the season gets. We tried the garlic roasted chicken with pan gravy chive sour cream with the mashed potatoes and the garlic green beans with grilled marinated chicken and it was served with Yukon mashed swirled potatoes with a rich thyme infused gravy. It was delicious. It's a lot of, a lot of a lot of ingredients here. But the key is it was really good and it felt like I even made it. So many great meal options. They got tacos, a bunch of different things that our family loves and your family will too. The meals arrive in an insulated recyclable box ready to heat and eat. No prepping, no mess, no cleanup. Factor Meals have all the benefits of clean eating without any of the extra effort, which we love. So if you are someone on the go who still cares about what they're putting in your body, you got to check out Factor Meals. It is where it's at. That's why 97% of customers say that factor helped them live a healthier life. Feel the difference no matter your routine, eat [e-mail] NickVyle 50 off and use code Nick Vile 50 off to get 50% off your first box. Plus get a free breakfast for one year. That's code Nick Vile 50 off@Factor Meals.com for 50% off your first box, plus free breakfast for a year. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with factor offer only. Valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. How's it going?

[C]

Good.

[E]

How are you?

[A]

Good. What's your name?

[E]

I'm Jen. I'm 36, and I'm wondering if I should give my ex best friend another chance.

[A]

Does your ex best friend data sex offender? I'm just kidding. That was her last question.

[E]

No, not. Oh, God, really?

[A]

All right, tell me about why this is this friend's an ex and why you're considering reuniting.

[E]

Okay. So we were best friends from age 4, preschool through elementary school, middle school, high school, and college, even though we went to two separate high schools and colleges through a little bit of early adulthood to post college as well. Um, and, you know, we were, like, as close as best friends could be who have known each other for that long. The entire time, though, she's been a little flaky. Not a little flaky, a lot flaky. Like, hard to make plans with. Won't commit to specific plans. You know, will say she's gonna be somewhere and then bails last minute.

[A]

So she's unreliable.

[C]

Correct.

[E]

So same behavior from when she was a child through, like, when we were last close in, like, early adulthood. And I was never willing to, like, cut her off prior to when I actually did because it was so much history in there that I couldn't imagine not having her in my life anymore. And, you know, I was like, oh, she's my best friend. Like, you know, this is how she is. I can't just, like, cut her off. But then, like, in early adulthood, after college, you know, I started working. I started, like, meeting new types of people. And then I was like, I don't, like, like, really need someone like this in my life anymore. And this doesn't align with, like, you know, who I want to hang out with anymore. So basically, we kind of just like, slow ghosted each other a little bit. Like, she still lives in my hometown and lived there in my early adulthood. And I moved to the bigger city by where we live. Yeah, eventually, when I just, like, was over it, we just. Just kind of stopped communicating eventually.

[A]

Okay, and so why are you thinking about bringing this person back into the fold?

[E]

So this past weekend, I was back in my hometown. My. It was my mom's birthday, and we needed to kill some time before meeting up with my mom. So we went to the mall, and I was like, I Just like hate going anywhere in my hometown for the possibility of like seeing like school people that I don't really feel like making small talk with. And I was like, oh, I hope like I don't run into her. But like I did run into her and she was with her three year old daughter and her husband and I was with my husband. And yeah, I mean, we made some small talk and she has a daughter now. I'm pregnant with my first child due in January. So thank you. So we reconnected over that a little bit. Kind of just talked about like pregnancy and parenting and stuff. And she had said like at the end of the conversation, like, oh, I would love to reconnect because also she had asked like if I was planning to still stay in my big city or like move back closer to our hometown. And I said I'm planning to move back closer to our hometown because my mom's still there. My husband's mom is still there. He's from like around the same area too. So we wanted to do that maybe after our kid is born. And so she was like, oh, like if you're going to be back in our hometown, we should reconnect. And you know, I've heard this before. Like she's tried to reconnect other times in life as well and I just end up disappointed because she'll like flake out if we like make another plan to meet up or whatnot. So why am I giving this another chance now? I. I'd like to think that like, you know, she's also 36 as well. We've lived some life. She has a daughter now. I'd like to think that she's like learned a little bit in this time we've been apart, but maybe, maybe not.

[A]

And you know, well, here's what I think. I think there's a middle ground.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's just focus on what you can control and let's focus on your choices in you and not focus on her. Right.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Even if it's for the selfish reasons that you are about to be a mom and she is a mom. And when, you know, I, I'm super happy for the, for you, you know, starting a family.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

But your life's about to change. You know, this, you don't need me saying this to you, but like, you don't even realize your how you're just gonna make decisions differently. And one decision I'm sure you already know this is obviously once you're, you're just gonna want to surround yourself with other Moms and like, it's just. It's nice to have a community of moms and play dates and things like that. If for no other self sense to be open about, like having this person in your life to like mom around with everyone, right?

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

When you grew up with this person, at various times in your life, she was your best friend and you were sisters and she was like, honestly, at certain points of your life and probably, it's probably safe to say she played the role of your partner, right. In a sense that like when you're best friend and you don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or you don't have a romantic partner, your best friend is the person you're talking to every day. You go to. You. You talk on the phone.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Falling asleep too. You, you. You just spend all your time with, right? Like that happens all the time with men and with women, all kinds of relationships, right?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

She's not that person anymore and she probably will never be. And the fact that you are about to be a mom. Are you married?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so you already have a man.

[E]

Woman, a man.

[A]

Okay, so you, you already have a husband. That's your priority, right? Like this friend is not your priority, right? Like you don't have, you don't have time. You're gonna have less and less time for like this, this friend regardless, right? So the easiest way not to disappoint ourselves is to not have unreal, reasonable expectations for things in people. Right? And we need to learn when people show us who they are. Right. To believe it right now. That doesn't mean we have to be so absolute in terms of like, hey, you're in or out, you know, like if you, if you know, you can never disappoint me and that we can't be friends if do. Right? So like right now and I have friends in our lives again, we are each other's best friend, so to speak. We're. We're each other's whole lives. We are each other's priority. Our daughter is our priority. We're trying to grow our family. Our. Our immediate family are people we invest in and we have friends and we like our friends. But some of our friends from time to time, for various reasons, maybe because they're single and they just have different things going on and, and some friends we know that can just get caught up in their own bullshit when things aren't working the way they want it to work out. Right? So you just got to stop having. It's just like. But we can still be friends with those people. We don't expect the world of them. In fact, we don't expect much of them. But what we do is when we do hang out, enjoy their company, you know?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And so if all you do is to allow this friend back into your life and just tell yourself when. When I'm with her, I'm going to enjoy her company, she is probably going to flake, you know, and again, you might flake, right? Like, I don't know. You just like, she is this, like, I'm sorry but like you're going to have a child, you have your husband and shit's going to come up where you might have to break a plan with this friend and that should be okay, right? So like she might not show up for your birthday.

[C]

She.

[A]

She's, you know, don't have her plan your birthday party. Don't come to her for big things. Don't get so caught up in this friendship that you, like knight her is the per your ride or die. Don't count on her for big important things that you like. If it doesn't follow through, will be disappointed. Just hang out with her for once in a while. You know, if there's things you want to. If you want to share with her mom stuff, you know, like if she. She can be an unreliable person, but a trustworthy person. I don't know if she is trustworthy, but I'm just saying, you know what I'm. She's unreliable and flaky. Right. Which means that when she gets. When she decides that something in her life needs attention, then she prioritizes that and. And she doesn't prioritize her friendships. Right, Right. Doesn't mean she's even wrong. It just means that it hurts your feelings when you are counting on her and she doesn't deliver.

[E]

Right, Totally.

[A]

So the middle ground is, you know what I'm saying? It's like you, you don't have to cut her off anymore. I get maybe why it happened in the before. Maybe you were hurt by something she did. It just was causing you too much stress and pain and it was just a reminder of a time that you really counted on her and she didn't deliver.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

But now you have lived your life without her. She hasn't even been in your life. But like it chant it sounds like when you do hang out with her, she's a pretty good time.

[E]

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I could get into more like specifics of like when I was like, let down by her and when I was like Almost gonna let her in and didn't.

[A]

But I'd love to hear that. But does it. But let me before you do. Is it relevant to what I just said? Does it change anything I just said in terms of if all you did moving forward was to decide to CAS to have her be in her life occasionally, maybe you're. You call her up and you're just like, hey, do you want to go to the market with me and my. My son or daughter? And she's like, yeah, I'm free. Let's go grab a coffee. And. And. And many times when you reach out, she's just not available, or vice versa. And then. Or. Or you both make plans at various times where she's just like, yeah, sorry, I gotta cancel on you, babe. And you're like, yeah, cool, whatever. And you never ask her. And to. To. You never count on her for, like, something you really need, where you need this person to follow through. Like, you. She. You just. You just don't. You just. You've accepted that this. Who's really disappointed. You really dropped the ball, really left you hanging. So you're just never gonna count on that person to do that. Does if. If what you're about, you know, if, you know, if what you're about to tell me doesn't really change all that, then, you know.

[E]

Yeah, no, it kind of doesn't. Like, you know, I would give you, like, examples of, like, when, like, I was, like, counting on her and she didn't follow through. But all it's, like, taught me is like, that's not the person you count on for the big stuff.

[A]

There you go. And to follow through, you know, you started this. You know, like. Well, she's older now. I assume she's. Let's assume she hasn't changed. Do you have people in your life that you can count on for big things?

[E]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

Right? So do you. You don't need her for that. You're not. You're not considering letting her back in because you ran out of people to count on and you're hoping that she's learned because you really need her. You really need someone you can count on. That's not why you're. You're just. You're bringing her back in for the occasional hang.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Like, I just wonder what that kind of friendship looks like because we've never been like, casual friends before. It's been like ride or dies to nothing. So.

[A]

But you're not. You're not 16 anymore. You're not 22. You're 36. Well, yeah. Now you're about to be a mom. You guys have other priorities. That was a different time. You had different things going on. Neither of you had families.

[C]

True. Yeah.

[A]

So set boundary. You know, healthy relationships have healthy boundaries, and it's your job to set healthy boundaries. Like, and again, this is only assuming you're worrying about, like, the scenario in which she was just like, starts obsessively calling you every day and demanding that you guys hang out every day. And then, like, like, says, hey, I really. Hey, you got this big thing. Let me, like, let me do it. Count on me. I don't. Don't ask someone else to do it. You know, and then you're like, I guess. And then she. You don't. You know, that's probably not going to happen, but if it does happen, you can just say, you know, I got my mom and. Or I got my other friend. You know, maybe it gets to the point you guys get closer and you have a heart to heart, and she's like, why did we fall apart? You're just like, well, you just really kind of left me hanging. And really, it hurt my feelings. But, like, you know, I moved. I kind of got over that. And. And I just really like having you in my life the way you're in my life right now. And you're. It's been. I'm. I'm glad I get to enjoy your company from time to time again. Like, as. As someone who's about to be a mom and you have a husband and you have your family, like, that's where all your energy should go. And when it comes to our friends, we are lucky to maintain those friends who can, like, pop in and pop out. Like, what? My best friend that I've known since, like, I don't know, childhood, you know, he's a Cubs fan, I'm a Brewers fan. Like, we. I don't know, like, we text once yesterday because they're playing against each other. Like, they came up to see the lake house. I hadn't seen him in over a year. You know, like, so, you know, he's got his life, he's got two kids. You know, we're busy.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

So if. If that's all she is. That. I think that would work.

[E]

Well, what do you suggest if, like, we do, like, start getting closer and I can kind of feel us, like, like, creeping back into, like, the lifelong friends we were once before, you know, that's gonna, like, make me. Who is.

[A]

Who is she replacing then?

[E]

There is no one to Replace. Because I don't like, have any friends in my life to that degree who's like known me throughout.

[A]

No, no, no. But like, but who are the people in your life that you count on for important things?

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Like my husband and I have a close group of friends that my husband and I share, so them.

[A]

So I guess I'm just saying you are. You were worried about a scenario that quite frankly, I don't see why it needs to ever like, happen.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Because this is about your friend who let, who disappointed you. This will only happen if you have expectations of this person that you shouldn't have. So as long as you don't have those expectations and as long as you don't replace the people who are currently in your life that you go to for important things and, and, and, and start giving her that role, then you have nothing to worry about. Okay, so that's like, it's in, completely in your court. You have all the power here. If she gets weird about like demanding that like she comes to you instead of her husband or instead of your group of friends that you would otherwise go to, then you can again just set a boundary. Just be like, listen, I, you know, I'm good. If she gets weird, you're going to stop. You've already stopped being her friends with aunt so you can be stopped being friends with her.

[E]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

You know, is that helpful?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like you're still kind of like you're worried. Like what, what, does she have some sort of power over you?

[E]

No, it's just like, you know, knowing like what kind of friends we used to be and like bringing that back into my life. And I'm, you know, I'm definitely taking in what you're saying about how she doesn't need to be that kind of friend anymore. And it can be like you also.

[A]

Have a completely different, different life. Make no mistake. Like if you didn't have a falling out, it would be weird for her to be a wife and a mom and you to be a wife and a mom and your relationship not change.

[E]

Yeah. The other thing too is like, I guess we didn't have a technical falling out. I just, I didn't like, like the person she was becoming and want to keep that kind of person.

[A]

She certainly noticed that you guys stopped hanging out too.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

I mean, she probably has like her side of it too of like why she didn't keep up with me either. Like maybe I.

[A]

And it probably isn't than anything than like she got busy and she became A mom and a wife and just like, life happened. And you are comparing a friendship of when you were guys, were teenagers and in your early 20s and you had nothing but each other to, like, a life now where you have so many other more meaningful things that are such a bigger priority than this friendship. And even if you. There wasn't a falling out, your relationship would have drastically changed to the point where, like, you would rarely talk, talk and. And hang out even less. But it doesn't mean you, like, aren't friends. It just means you're grown up.

[E]

Yeah, totally.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right. Hopefully. This is awful.

[E]

I think so. I feel like this wasn't so meaty and juicy. I can give you, like, more if you want.

[A]

No, I think this was great. I mean, listen, like, like, this show is in the, like, you know, certainly love the meaty, juicy stories, but it's more, you know, interpersonal relationships are hard to navigate. And like, you are have demonstrated, like, you know, we bring in baggage and hurt feelings, and we often, whether it's a romantic relationship, a parent child relationship, or a friendship, we often prioritize the wrong things and we often, like, have the wrong point of view about how we see things because we're emotionally invested, because there are scars, because there's hurt feelings. And I think, you know what this show's about and what I'm generally good at is helping people navigate, take out some of the emotion or the unnecessary things and. And reframe how we look at a situation so that we can get the most out of that situation, which is, like, for me, I'm just trying to get you the most out of this relationship, which is like, hey, if she's a cool hang. If she's a generally a good person, like, there's no reason why you can't take advantage of someone whose company you enjoy, who has created a similar life that you have. And if for no other reason, use each other to, like, for play dates and companionship from time to time, then you should. You should definitely do that.

[C]

All right. Yeah.

[E]

Thank you for the advice then.

[A]

Awesome. All right. Appreciate the call.

[E]

Thank you so much. Appreciate it. All right, bye.