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Podcast Host (Co-host)
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Nick Viall
What's up everybody? We have a very exciting announcement for all the Ass Nick audience out there. We have new Instagram and TikTok specifically for Ask Nick. So if you want to avoid all the pop culture and reality TV content that we're putting out there and just focus on all things relationship, dating, interpersonal relationships, and just ask Nick content, just please give us a follow. It's Asknick Viall on Instagram and TikTok. So give us a follow and enjoy. We'll be glad that you did. All right, let's get to our first caller, but not before you go on and give us a follow.
Caller Bri
You're crazy.
Nick Viall
How's it going?
Caller Mary
Hi Nick, I'm Mary. I'm 25 and I have a crush on my co worker, but I work in hr.
Nick Viall
Well, what's your advice?
Caller Mary
Well, so my dilemma is I know workplace relationships are pretty taboo in a corporate environment and HR is who puts all the policies in place. So my question is, is this even worth pursuing? And if so, how do I go about it? I can give some background.
Nick Viall
Yeah, give me some background.
Caller Mary
Yeah. So there's a guy I met at work a few months ago who I used to sit by and our conversations have always been really easy and fun and even flirty at times. Plus he's like exactly the kind of guy I'm looking for.
Nick Viall
But based off of what?
Caller Mary
So I've been single for a few years and I'VE gotten really granular about what I'm looking for in my future boyfriend or husband. And he checks a lot of those boxes. And he's smart, he's respectful, he has good goals, we get along really well, and he's just really cute.
Nick Viall
Just to more accurately put that, he sounds like he checks some boxes.
Caller Mary
Well, we're still getting to know each other for sure.
Nick Viall
He might check all the boxes, but we don't. Yeah, we. He's cute. He has some nice things. I'm guessing you have more than four boxes is all. I'm just pointing out because I just think it's always important, the things that we say to ourselves and out loud, the narratives we have in our head become our reality. So be open to, you know, to help you. And I want to hear more of this backstory. But in general, just as a. If we only had 30 seconds and you saw me in the elevator, and I'm like, nick, I had a quick question for you. This is the advice I would give you, is just be more open rather than right now. You're giving the. I've taken my time. I spent the past few years being more discerning, learning about my likes and dislikes. And then I met this guy. He showed up at my work, and wouldn't you know it? He's perfect. We don't know if he's perfect. We know that he has some nice potential. And so I think just remember that. And as you explore the upside and the downside of pursuing this guy.
Caller Mary
Absolutely. And just like with any kind of relationship, we're still just getting to know each other. So it's just been surface level so far. But from what I've seen, he just is a good guy. And he's the kind of guy that I want to get to know a little bit better.
Nick Viall
For sure.
Caller Mary
So, yeah. My department recently moved to a different floor in my building, so I don't see him as much anymore. So now whenever I see him, it's like when one of us is visiting each other's desks.
Nick Viall
Do we visit each other's desks a lot?
Caller Mary
I probably see him at least once a day. And that's like one of us having to go out of our way because we work in different parts of the building. So we've kind of developed a work friendship.
Nick Viall
And his relationship status is single.
Caller Mary
Yes, I know for sure he's single. I never go after someone who's taken.
Nick Viall
How old is he?
Caller Mary
He's 26. I'm 25.
Nick Viall
Okay.
Caller Sarah
Yeah.
Caller Mary
And so this has been going on for a couple months and I finally worked up the nerve and asked him to lunch last week. And it was really good. It was like easy conversation.
Nick Viall
Like a work lunch.
Caller Mary
Yeah, it was at work. Yeah, we have like a cafeteria.
Nick Viall
I mean, at this point though, I mean, you know, work's generally kind of boring. I don't know what you do for a living, but like, I am sure people notice.
Caller Mary
I've been careful about it and made sure that if any of our conversations were overheard or if we no doubt
Nick Viall
together that I'm not, I'm not in any way questioning your professionalism. Obviously you're, you're hyper aware of it, which is part of why you're calling. I'm just simply pointing out what's the average age of the people you're working with? Is it a spectrum?
Caller Mary
Yeah, it's a good mix. I would say it's average age is maybe like 40s.
Nick Viall
Okay, well, all those four year olds, they're noticing the young hotties. Flirting is all I'm saying. I'm just, you know, it's, it's probably fun. It's exciting for them. When I worked in an office space where I was on the younger side of things. They talk about you and all I'm saying is I certainly don't know the HR policies around this. You know that better than me. Sounds like there's a window here for you to pursue him, but you're more worried about optics. And I'm just telling you, they're already noticing. You know, they're noticing two attractive people visit each other at work. Especially after one person moved to floor, they're noticing a lunch. And while they might wonder if you're just friends, they are aware on some level that there are two single people of the opposite sex who are attracted to the opposite sex having lunch.
Caller Mary
Is that not so innocent? Just two co workers having lunch?
Nick Viall
I mean, the more innocent it is, the more fun it is to talk about. I'm just saying, I'm just Talking about the 40 year olds, many of which are maybe married with kids or whatever in their life are, are entertained by the single people, one of which is in hr. You know, I'm sure everyone heard about the Coldplay story.
Caller Mary
Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm worried about.
Nick Viall
He was married. It's just like he was married. I'm just saying don't dilute like they, they notice and you don't need to do something about it. I don't think you need to start acting weird. But like, let's not pretend that you're being so covert that no one notices you guys hanging out and talking.
Caller Mary
Well, my company's policy clearly states it doesn't prohibit relationships in the workplace unless there's a reporting relationship and he's in an entirely different department. The way my company is structured is that there's a different HR manager for each department, and I don't work with his department, so I'd never have any kind of influence on, like, his performance reviews, promotions, salary, nothing like that.
Nick Viall
How. What do you guys talk about when. When you guys.
Caller Bri
We.
Caller Mary
We talk about. We've talked a lot about travel, about, like, hobbies and our lives in general. We talk a lot.
Caller Sarah
It's.
Caller Mary
It's kind of gone beyond that. Like, at lunch, we were just kind of talking about, like, our goals and stuff. And, like, it just felt like more than co workers.
Nick Viall
Has he ever brought up women?
Caller Mary
No.
Nick Viall
That's good. Good.
Caller Sarah
Yeah.
Caller Mary
And I. I know he's single because, like, we've talked about traveling for work and he kind of just, like, made a comment about, oh, like, now is the time for me to travel if since I'm single, no kids, that kind of thing.
Nick Viall
How was lunch?
Caller Mary
It was good. And so I kind of want to take it outside of work. I just want to see, like, if there's something there. But that's where I'm struggling, because. Is that crossing a line?
Caller Bri
And.
Nick Viall
Well, you tell me. Is it crossing a line?
Caller Mary
I don't know. Since the policy is not, like, stating that it would be, but I just have never hung out with coworkers outside of work. It's not something I would normally do.
Caller Sarah
Do.
Nick Viall
And is that, like, the HR person you. Because, like, despite your interest in romantically in this guy, like, co workers hang out all the time outside.
Caller Mary
I. I think that is. I just like to keep my work and personal life separate.
Nick Viall
Okay.
Caller Mary
So this is all new to me, and I don't know how to go about it. Should I even be the one pursuing this? Like, do I make the move? Because I talked to my brother about it just to get a guy's perspective, and he said you kind of have to be the one pursuing because as a guy, he's probably not going to want to risk his job if he's worrying about too strong with the HR girl.
Nick Viall
Your brother makes a valid point. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Especially in a workplace. Yeah. I think a lot of. Think a lot of young men in general are unsure, unclear of when it is appropriate to make a move regardless of the workplace and regardless if this person is in hr, I don't think that should be an excuse for men around the world. I mean, like, you know, listen, just be respectful guy. Step up and make a move. It'd be my response to them, but just to give them a little grace and empathy. Yeah, I think it's a little trickier out there from them to know, especially young guys who are, you know, are inexperienced. He's only 26, so, you know, it's all he knows is to be very aware of his surroundings and the surroundings of the women he's pursuing and to be respectful of their boundaries. Like, that's. You're an HR and that's work. So. Yeah, I, I think your brother's right that, like, chances are, yeah, there's a good chance he could be interested and not do it out of. Of fear of the right or wrong thing to do. And, you know, there's a level of like, well, she's an hr. She knows whether this is okay or not, so she'll ask me, you know,
Caller Mary
I know, but as a girl, I've never been the one to chase after a guy or make, and it's just not the dynamic that I normally want. And I definitely don't want to scare him off. That's what I'm scared of too, because he's respectful and he's a little shy and he hasn't made any major moves, but he's.
Nick Viall
So don't be. So don't be. So I don't think you should walk up to him with a bouquet of flowers and say, will you go on a date with me? You could extend the lunch invitation from work to, like, what are you doing tonight? There's this place I wanted to try, you know?
Caller Mary
I'm so scared. I have never done that before.
Nick Viall
Good practice. Listen, the days in which I never do this, I only do that when it. Especially when it comes to gender roles and things like that are. Are outdated and antiquated. I am guessing on some level you are a progressive, empowered, independent woman, as you should be. You. Let's not cherry pick the, The. The handful of things that you're like, well, I, I am. And all those things, but this, Brian will never do. And this is a man's job. And he's. You know, it's like you could still, whenever, Whenever you find your relationship, you can define those roles and, and you can be, when you want more demure and, And, And. And take a step back and you can have your man lead, but I don't think when it comes to meeting your person. I think we should be open to any possibilities. That's all I'm saying. You know, and, and, And I think if you, being in the role that you are giving this situation and the dynamic of it, if you take it outside of work and you make the first move, I don't think that makes him incapable of leading in the relationship, if that's what you prefer. There are a lot of situations I can think of myself, especially when it comes to dating, where I. I took a step back. You know, I was nervous about making the first move or whatever it was. But I'm, you know, I have a strong personality in a lot of ways. I lead in my marriage. There's a lot of ways in which I default to my wife. I don't know. I think in 2020, healthiest relationships have a balance in terms of when people lead and things like that. And you will find that balance. And I think it's just a little unnecessary for you to draw a very hard line because you've never done something. And if anything, when you say out loud, well, I've never done something like that before, it might be a signal for you to try it. It might be a good practice. So if the only thing that's stopping you is your lack of experience of asking them out outside of work, then I think you should give it a shot. And again, I think you can do it in a way that's not too much. Pressure doesn't necessarily make it weird. You could even be like, I didn't ask him on a date. I asked him out to lunch. I need a. I have a friend. Friend at work. And I was like, there's this cool place. I wanted to try and pick a spot that's not overly romantic or daty. I don't. Could be literally anything. I don't know. It could be.
Caller Mary
I open that door. How do I, like, casually slip that into a conversation?
Nick Viall
Uh, would next time someone visits each other, maybe you wait for him to visit you and you could be like, I'm just kind of. I'm feeling a little, like, spontaneous. I really, like. I don't know. I want to get out. I want to feel the energy. There's this place I want to go grab a drink. I don't know, maybe you don't drink. Whatever. Whatever it is. What are you doing tonight? He might be. He might have plans. Assume he has plans. But that will, if nothing else, be an invitation for him that you wanted to hang outside of work. And if he's remotely interested, he Will be like, oh, sorry, fuck, I can't tonight. But what do you. You know, like, I'm definitely down. Another time you will know whether he is into it or not.
Caller Bri
Yeah.
Caller Mary
And he has given signs like that he is interested. Like, his schedule's always busy, but he never cuts our conversation short. And if he's busy, he suggests the time when he's free to catch up. And when I asked him to lunch, he immediately was like, yes, I'm free at this time tomorrow. So he's definitely interested. And I can just tell there's something.
Nick Viall
Ask him. He's. He's. It sounds like he's waiting for you.
Caller Mary
Oh, my God, I'm so scared.
Nick Viall
Of what?
Caller Mary
Of rejection.
Nick Viall
Well, you know, it's good for you. I mean, in general, failure. I mean, idea. I know, not ideal in relationships, but it won't kill you.
Caller Mary
And yeah, I think there's also just another layer to it because I would still have to see him, but.
Nick Viall
No, you wouldn't. If. If there are people, correct me if I'm wrong. On his floor. You never see or interact with. You guys are going out of your way to see each other, and it's not that hard because it's only a floor away. Yeah, but it would be just as easy to never see him or talk to him.
Caller Bri
Exactly.
Caller Mary
Like, the stakes are pretty low. I just, like, get in my own head. But there's just so many layers to this and lots to consider, probably.
Nick Viall
No, no, There's a couple layers. So try to get out of your head. Try not to add unnecessary pressure. There's one layer, really. I'm in HR and we work together. And that makes things a little different than any other guy I might be interested in dating. And I just need to make sure that I'm being professional, which you are. So that if things don't work out, I am not in any way affecting my or his career or standing or brand at our place of work. Other than that, he's just a guy and this is how he met and I'm interested in. And it may or may not work out, but don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.
Caller Mary
Yeah, I just need to go for it and not get in my own way.
Nick Viall
Well, let us know.
Caller Mary
Yeah, I absolutely will.
Nick Viall
When are you going to do it?
Caller Mary
I don't know. Maybe tomorrow.
Nick Viall
Great. Love that.
Caller Mary
Yeah, I will keep you guys posted. So thank you so much, Nick. Thank you guys for having me on.
Nick Viall
Thanks for calling and good luck. I think it'll go the way you hope so. And if not, you will be okay. It'll be fine. It won't be the worst day of your life. It won't be the most embarrassing moment of your life. It will. It'll suck for a brief period of time.
Caller Mary
I hope it goes well, though.
Nick Viall
I think it will. I think it will.
Caller Mary
Okay.
Nick Viall
All right. All right.
Caller Mary
Wish me luck.
Nick Viall
All right. Take care.
Caller Bri
All right.
Caller Mary
Bye.
Nick Viall
Bye.
Podcast Host (Co-host)
Bye.
Nick Viall
Don't forget Vile Files plus now offers ad free episodes for all Vile Files episodes, including Ask Nick Reality Recap and Going Deeper. Plus, if you love Ask Nick, you will absolutely love our Ask Nick updates, where you get updates of your favorite calls, our Deep Dive on all your favorite reality recap TV shows, and our pop culture roundup where we talk about all your favorite pop culture topics that we didn't get to in this week's episode, plus Deep Dives on our Going Deeper guest, and so much more. All you have to do is go to Vile Files plus and you will be lucky you did. Now a quick message from today's sponsor, the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. You know your pet is part of the family. You do pretty much anything for them, right? But those vet bills, they certainly can add up. And certainly those unexpected visits to your pet hospitals can really catch you off guard. Listen, sometimes your pets get into things they're not supposed to, and sometimes those can be scary moments. And when the accidents happens, you want to make sure you're covered with some good pet insurance so that those bills don't set you back more than they need to. The program offers customizable accident and illness plans, making it easier to get your pet the care they need when they need it. It's been around for almost 20 years and has covered nearly 1 million pets at the time. You can tailor your plan to fit your budget, your lifestyle, and your pet's particular quirks. Because big vet bills never show up when it's convenient, do they? Also, when you enroll in the ASPCA pet health insurance plan, you could get a 25Amazon gift card. It's a little treat for you while you're doing something great for your pet. To Explore coverage, visit ASPCA pet insurance.com v I a l l that's aspcapetinsurance.com v I a l l Eligibility restrictions apply. Visit aspcapetinsurance.Com Amazon terms for more info. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either independent American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Ltd. The ASPCA is not an insurance, is not engaged in the business of insurance.
Podcast Host (Co-host)
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Nick Viall
How's it going?
Caller Sarah
It's going really well. How are you?
Nick Viall
Good. What's your name?
Caller Sarah
My name is Sarah. I'm 29.
Nick Viall
How can I help, Sarah?
Caller Sarah
Well, I have been dating a guy for about 10 weeks now and we get along really well. Our values really, really align. We enjoy the same kind of things. Our timelines match up where, like, I am at a point where I'm ready to find a person I would love to have children and get married. And he seemed to align with all of that. I just, I'm wondering, like, after eight weeks, should I be more excited about him? And I'm worried that if I'm not like, excited about it, like, does that mean it's not right?
Nick Viall
What do you mean by excited?
Caller Sarah
Like, when he comes over, I'm kind of relieved. When he leaves, when I know he's gonna call me at night, I kind of get anxious about it.
Nick Viall
Has that always been the case or is that a feeling that has increased over time?
Caller Sarah
Until recently, I think I was a little more like, excited when it, like the first date, maybe the first two dates because, like, it was brand new. And as I, like, got to know him, I felt like I should be feeling a little more comfortable with him than I am. And it just feels a little awkward. And we started hanging out very regularly. Almost like every weekend. We would hang out a night or two.
Nick Viall
Okay.
Caller Sarah
And then Valentine's Day, like, was coming up and I got him some things for Valentine's Day. I knew he would get me some things. And I got him a card because I know they're super important to him. It's something that he really likes and values. Someone writing down their feelings. And I couldn't write in it because I can't, I can't lie. And like, I don't miss him when he's gone and I don't know, is this, like, am I just experiencing something very healthy and I'm just not, like, excited? And it's like I'm confusing it for being boring maybe.
Nick Viall
I don't know. What do you. I mean, what do you think? How does this compare to your past relationships?
Caller Sarah
Well, that's the thing is I've been really trying to look at my past relationships, and I don't think. I really don't think I chase, like, toxic relationships. I don't think. I mean, I've been in toxic relationships, but I think I'm pretty easy to, like, recognize it and get out of it. And in whether it's been a healthy relationship or a toxic one, I'm always usually, like, excited, kind of giddy.
Nick Viall
Well, think. But thinking about the ones that you kind of identify as healthy but you were also excited, how is that different with this guy?
Caller Sarah
Because I was, like, excited to meet their families. I was excited to, like, see them. And even if it was just, like, hang out and watch a movie, I was pumped up about it, and I was looking forward to it.
Nick Viall
Okay. When you think back, trying to, as much as you can, compare apples to apples here in terms of timelines, which I know is difficult to do in these healthier situations in which you felt excited, do you remember where you stood in terms of the certainty that this person really liked you compared to how much you felt for them?
Caller Sarah
I feel like in those situations, it was very equal.
Nick Viall
Okay.
Caller Sarah
Like, they liked me as much as I liked them. And in this, I like. I know he liked me more.
Nick Viall
I mean, that part's clear. There is that I think, whatever. I don't know what is, where it comes from. I think when we feel like someone's really excited about us, but we're still exploring our feelings, even if it's nothing else, they don't give us the ick. They're not toxic, whatever it is, but we're just like, at best, we're just not there yet, but we feel that they are. That's a lot of pressure. And if nothing else, and I don't know, I'm not saying this is what's causing your anxiousness, but it would make sense. The reason why you're not excited and feeling a little anxious when he calls and when he shows up is because you feel this pressure to do something. You feel like he has an expectation, the card to write something. You don't know how to meet that expectation right now, so you feel anxious. And right now you're spending a lot more time trying to meet his expectations in a way, rather than evaluate how you feel. And obviously you've been evaluating it. You're here talking to me. You haven't been able to evaluate it by just kind of being with him. And listen, it easier said than done. You know, I'm sure you've heard mine and my wife's story, Natalie's story about how we met and, you know, first nine, 10 months, Nick didn't want to date me and things like that. And certainly there were a handful of moments where Natalie was like, yo, what's up? In between those moments, I don't know how she did it or what her mindset was. Maybe if you get a chance to ask her, you can tell her. She can tell you someday. But she did a great job of not making me feel like there was pressure. It wasn't like, it wasn't like, after a couple months, she's like, hey, I'd already like to date. And I was like, I don't know, I'm just not sure, you know. And then she was like, okay. But then like the, you know. But like, whether she said it or not, it always felt like she didn't always feel frustrated with me. She wasn't making comments. She wasn't doing X, Y or Z. She made me feel like she, I guess, accepted my answer or accepted my boundary. And then a certain amount of time passed where then she was like, re evaluated how she felt brought a new expectation or standard to the table and yada, yada, if nothing else, his expectation or how you are feeling or how you are internalizing his expectations, maybe he's not doing all that much. But if, if nothing else, this anxiousness that you feel is a result of this pressure that you have placed or he has placed on where this relationship is going.
Caller Sarah
I would say another question, like, to bounce off of all of this is that I don't think he's like a 2, but I also don't think he's like, obviously a 10. And like, I.
Nick Viall
So he's a 5.
Caller Sarah
So he's a 5, and that's fine. And I don't have, like, I don't think the looks thing is, like, the problem for me. It. It's more of like, when he kisses me. Like, I. I'm just not into it. And I don't know if, like, that's something that I should, like, work on with him and like, try to make things better. But then at the end of the day, I feel like I'm like, nitpicking and like, trying to. What do you want person into?
Nick Viall
Well, I mean, is he a. Is the chemistry when you kiss off? By chemistry I mean like maybe the tongues aren't tonguing, you know, like, maybe you guys aren't dancing the way you guys need to dance. And if that's the case, sure, give them a note. But like, if you're like, oh no, he's actually a great fucking kisser. Shockingly so. I just not into it.
Caller Sarah
Yeah, I guess. I don't know because he's not a good kisser. So I'm just like very turned off by those things. And it's just like every little thing.
Nick Viall
Let me. Why. Why are you still hanging out with him?
Caller Sarah
Well, that's the thing is, you know, we're always told like, hey, there's no perfect person out there and you are going to have to have like a give and take and a compromise when it comes to somebody. And that's why I'm like, need to know, I want to know from you. Is attraction and feeling like that chemistry that like pull to like lean in versus lean out, something to compromise on?
Nick Viall
I think you need something because he
Caller Sarah
does have all the other things.
Nick Viall
What are the other things?
Caller Sarah
That. The fact that we value the same things. We live the same sort of lifestyle, we care about being healthy and active and family people and you know, we are around the same age. We're both looking for marriage and kids and. And he was so, so there for me on the toughest day of my entire life. And I think that like I. I know he cares, I know he has interest. I know that he puts forth effort and like takes time out of his day to do certain things and like, I value all of those, but I just feel myself leaning out versus in and like, I like him more when he's not around versus like I try to like shut my brain off and like just.
Nick Viall
Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?
Caller Sarah
I mean, he asked me like two weeks ago to be his girlfriend and I said yes. But I mean, it's like I said, it's a very new kind of thing. I don't see this as like we're not in a serious relationship at this point. It's the beginning.
Nick Viall
I'm just curious how you would respond to finding out that he met someone else and started dating them and is interested in them.
Caller Sarah
I think the only reason I would feel any sort of way about it was because he asked me to be his girlfriend and there's like those things and because he and I have been exclusive, but other than that, I don't I mean, I think maybe there's a better person out there for him than me.
Nick Viall
Okay. It sounds kind of like you have your.
Caller Sarah
Like, love him more and, like, be like, if someone's telling me, like, I want to take pictures with you and post you and I want you to meet my family and stuff like that, I would hope that your person you're seeing is excited about those things. And, like, I think he deserves that.
Nick Viall
I mean, if Natalie would have told me that, I mean, hell, even after we were boyfriend and girlfriend a month in, I would have been, like, a little, like, anxious about that. I'm like, okay, calm down. And that honestly was probably more of a me thing. You know, I was. As. As we've discussed, he is excited about you in this relationship. And so these things that he is asking are. Are normal and, okay, you're not ready. That's fine, you know, and that's why it feels a certain way. It overall sounds like, listen, you have the answer, which is like, you don't. You're just not feeling it a lot. What you're describing is you have a lot of compatibility. You're engaging. You know, you have a lot in common. That is really important. But chemistry is really important too. You know, I think we all vastly overweigh chemistry.
Caller Sarah
Yeah.
Nick Viall
And ignore compatibility. Some relationships out there are solely based off of how two people felt when they first met or the first couple weeks of. Of. Of dating. And. And their entire relationship is solely based off of that and. And the fantasy that they built in their head of what the relationship should be, and then that. And then, you know, it's not. But listen, you've challenged yourself to at least explore this for eight weeks. That's not nothing. You'll never know for certain. There's always a world where I guess you could miss him. I do know that when. When Natalie and I were dating and I. I was having a hard time letting her in, when we would try to have some distance, it would be very difficult for me. I would. I would definitely miss her. And that. That was something that was pretty obvious to me. So listen, if you let him go and that will be really sad for him, but if ultimately, if. If you're not feeling regret and if you're feeling relief and a few weeks go by and you don't miss him and you're not feeling any type of jealousy or wondering what he's doing, and then you'll have your answer.
Caller Sarah
Yeah. Just one more little question is like, you know, I do think most people do like you Said value that chemistry, like, maybe way more than somebody should. But do you think that that's, like, a necessity for a relationship?
Nick Viall
I think it's a personal preference. I'm sure you've heard the anecdotes about how the success rate of arranged marriages in the cultures that still practice those marriages, you know, there's a reason why, if this was an arranged marriage, if you were part of a culture that did this, you would be one of the lucky ones, so to speak. You'd been like, this is a really great guy. He treats me well. We have a lot in common. Like, I. He found a friend, and then over time, you would probably grow that emotional connection, and you would grow to care about him, and you guys would form a bond, and you would probably work on the sex and the kissing and things like that. And, you know, there's a world where, like, you could really grow to love them. I don't know. But you're not in that culture, and you don't want to have an arranged marriage, and you want to pick your partner, and you want to find someone where you at least feel a little chemistry and some, you know, a little bit of excitement. But part of that maturing is discerning the difference between how much of this is pulled by a chemistry and you convincing yourself you have a lot in common or being pleasantly surprised. You know, for me, I got it. You know, like, it's in a. In a weird way. My reluctance around our age difference, I think, helped me, you know, in the. I think I, like many people, was often choosing partners mostly based off of chemistry, only to find out we didn't have a lot in common. But chemistry, you know, if you. If you. You know, I always joke when we were watching Love is Blind, and Love is Not Blind. For me, I could not do that.
Caller Sarah
You know what I was thinking last night as I was watching that?
Nick Viall
And I got lucky enough that I met someone who I did have a ton of chemistry with. But I. Obviously there was a reason why I was unwilling to kind of pursue that. And then while we, you know, stayed each other's lives, but, like, kept a little bit of distance, I realized, despite my insecurities about things, how much we enjoyed each other's company, how easy it was to hang out with her, you know, her timeline, you know, her values, all the things that you described. And it was like, wow. I was able to discover that over time, I didn't do the thing that I had done in the past where I didn't really. I didn't Care about compatibility as much as I should or. Yeah, it just kind of happened. So listen, I. It'll work itself out. It doesn't sound like if. Listen, if you break his heart and you end things and you do it respectfully. Respectfully and with gratitude. If you change your mind, chances are he will be glad that you did. And you will probably, you know, and it probably won't take you long to realize whether you felt like you made a little bit of mistake or not. Chances are you probably didn't. You proud? You've given it eight weeks, you've hung up with him multiple times, but something isn't feeling right, and you found a nice friend. You respect him, but like he's, you know, not your guy.
Caller Sarah
Oh, thank you so much. I, I really think that I, I don't think I value chemistry too much. I just have realized that it is something I do need is like a, a pull towards each other. And, and I think that just goes along with like the things I want as in like compatibility and timeline and all of those things too. So this is really helpful.
Nick Viall
All right.
Caller Sarah
And I really appreciate your time.
Nick Viall
All right, well, take. Thanks for the call.
Caller Sarah
Thank you so much.
Nick Viall
All right, take care. There's side sleepers, back sleepers and even starfishes. Personally, pretty sure I'm the side sleeper in my side sleeper.
Podcast Host (Co-host)
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Caller Bri
Good. How are you?
Podcast Host (Co-host)
Good.
Nick Viall
What's your name?
Caller Bri
My name is Bri. I'm 23 and I need honest third party advice on how to date better in my 20s.
Nick Viall
What do you think you're doing wrong?
Caller Bri
Well, I'm on the apps and I also like, do go out here and there's. And like try to meet people in person, but I just don't know what the issue is. Like, for me specifically with the apps, I feel like when I go in person, maybe people don't recognize that I'm like, of age because I look like younger and I don't drink. So maybe that hasn't to do with it.
Nick Viall
Okay, well, just like give me an example of kind of an experience. I mean, it sounds like you're calling in because you've had a couple experiences that didn't go your way and now you're feeling a certain way about dating in general.
Caller Bri
I've been on, I've been on Hinge since August. But basically on the apps, what I've experienced is people, they match with me, they don't say anything. They either don't match back with me, they match with me. They say like one, one like sentence and then I don't hear from them ever again. They match with me, I get their number, then I talk to them for like a day, then I never hear from them.
Nick Viall
Yeah.
Caller Bri
And then the other day I literally got an argument with somebody from the
Nick Viall
app because I asked them, you argued with someone on the apps?
Caller Bri
They. Okay, so they basically I asked them what their Instagram was and where they lived just to make sure, like, that they lived in my area because I didn't recognize the location.
Nick Viall
Right.
Caller Bri
And they said I was asking all these pressing questions and then they gave me a whole spiel on how I need to communicate better. So. And my communication sucks. And they're helping me for my future husband.
Nick Viall
So you were asking them questions and they said, your communication sucks.
Caller Bri
I asked them what their Instagram was and like where they live. And I stated, like, I don't like long distance, so I'm just curious, like, do you live here? Because I didn't recognize the location and your profile. And then the guy literally said to me, you're asking me all these pressing questions. We just met. And I'm like, I don't think my questions are like that ridiculous.
Nick Viall
Okay, they're not. So I mean, are you like Relatively new to dating. You mentioned you got on the apps not too long ago. What is your dating experience been like up until this point?
Caller Bri
So I've had two previous relationships. One was the seven month relationship when I was in my freshman year of college, and then one was a year and seven months, that one. I've been single since that one for like a year now.
Nick Viall
Okay, in between that, have you just been kind of enjoying the single life and hanging out with your friends? Like, have you done much dating in between?
Caller Bri
I've gone on some dates. One was with a really nice guy, but just the distance and like, his work schedule was just.
Podcast Host (Co-host)
It didn't.
Caller Bri
Didn't work out. And then one, the date went well and it just. Just didn't work out. And then I went out with a different guy. He thought I was moving too fast and I thought he was moving too slow. So we were just on totally different wavelengths.
Nick Viall
What else? I mean, I guess when you. When you wrote in, is it mostly your frustration on the apps or just dating in general?
Caller Bri
I guess dating in general because I feel like I go out when I do go out, and I haven't been out in a bit because sometimes my friends don't always want to go out. They want to have a night in which I completely understand. And so when I go on the. When I go out, like, I sit here and I'm out and I'm trying to, like, maybe see, like, if a boy will approach me. And I've gotten approached by a couple guys and they're like, oh, I don't live here. And I'm like. And then one of the guys I went out with, I met out, but that was like, the only guy I met out. And I've done the happy hour, gone to the bars and things, and just. I've gotten nowhere.
Nick Viall
Okay, and how long do you feel like this has been going on for you?
Caller Bri
I went on the app in August, so I've had really not much luck there. And then I started to go out more because I used to not go, like, out really at all. And my mom's always like, you need to go out. Like the other day, she's like, if you don't go out, you're gonna. She's like, do you wanna be single for rest of your life? And I was like, no. Well, no.
Nick Viall
Is your mom, like, giving you a hard time about your dating life?
Caller Bri
No, she just wants me to be. Be happy and find my person, which I completely understand, but she's like, you need to go out. There's no way you can meet people like that. That's really. That's really it. And I'm just. I guess I wonder, like, is something wrong with my dating profile?
Nick Viall
Is, like, what's on your dating profile?
Caller Bri
I feel like I'm very, like, open and, like, very clear with what I want and, like, just very true to myself. And so when I'm on the app,
Nick Viall
what does your dating profile say?
Caller Bri
Well, I. I can go through it, but basically on the app, I have, in my profile, I have, like, my photos, like, of myself and then mostly just you. I have my thing, like, my love language on there. And like, my friend's advice and my sister's advice was get rid of, like, all the multiple repeated selfies that basically are the same thing. Like, change your photos a little bit. So I did that.
Nick Viall
Do you have any, like, activity photos?
Caller Bri
I don't, but I have a photo of me and one of my friends. So I have that up there and I kind of just like, put that, like. And, like, I get, like, positive feedback on certain things I have. Dating me is, like I said, being in a romantic relationship where you're loved 247 and it's full of making memories and that'll last a lifetime. It's being loved and at the same time, being supported and being a relationship full of happiness. That one always gets the most hits. And then I see I have one. That's my simple pleasures are spending quality time in my person, getting sons, spending time with my friends and family, my two dogs, watching reality tv, going on walks. And then, like, the way to win me over is like, respect, honesty, kindness, being on the same page, sharing common interests. So that's huge to me. Wanting kids, being. And by being a provider and a protector. So I have that on there. And then I have, like, photos of myself. And then the prompt of, like, my love languages are this and this. Although I really kind of like all of them, that's kind of on there as well. So I. I think part of my issue is I have a very specific type and I have, like, very, like, high standards. I feel like. So when I go on and I see I have certain matches, I'm always just like, no, no, no. And then, like, if I do have interest in somebody, like I said, my problem is that, like, I get their number, I talk to them once I talk to them on the apps and have, like, one conversation. And then I don't hear from them again. I'm like, them, they don't like me back. I match with them. They don't even message me. They just match with me. Don't even say anything.
Nick Viall
Yeah, I'm glad you're getting this all out. You know, you're venting. It's good. What do you think? I'm going to say take a break from the apps if you want to. I think more specifically, I think you just need to maybe take a breath.
Caller Bri
Okay.
Nick Viall
You know, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I mean, like, you know, if I, like, shadowed you for a week, I'm sure I could give you a note or two. The problem isn't you. I mean, there's a lot of problems when it comes to dating in. In 2026. Hookup culture, the apps, things like that. I think right now, you know, the way you talk about the apps is it's like everyone's on the apps, which they are. It's the only way to meet people, which it isn't. It's certainly where most people are meeting each other these days. It has a lot of obstacles. So I think for anyone who goes on the apps nowadays, especially if you're trying it for the first time and you don't really have and you're not like a seasoned vet on the app, where you've kind of. You've realized what it is and what it isn't and you kind of have an objective expectation of it, is to have the lowest of expectations of the app. And at this point, I do think the apps, they're not designed to help people find love. I agree with that. They are designed to get people to stay on the apps. That's all apps are. You know, they're there to make money, and they only make money when people are using them. And if everyone in the world found love tomorrow, then there'd be no one to go on the app. So you're only 23. I'm sure it doesn't necessarily feel like I've said this all the time. Today is the oldest you've ever been. And when you think about your age, especially when you get into our 20s, it starts feeling like you're like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm 23. You've never been this old. And I'm sure from your perspective, you don't feel as young as I look at you and say, oh, she's only 23. She's got this whole life ahead of her. And so I think, you know, it's. I think it's great. You know, I think your mom's right. Get out there, meet People. But I think you just need to take a breath when it comes to finding love. I think there's a difference of being intentional to, like, tell yourself that you are focused on meeting your person and you're open to meeting your person without, like, applying so much pressure on yourself and making it an obsession where every, you know, every time you go out, it is to find a God, as opposed to, I'm going to go out, I'm going to hang out with my girls, I'm going to have a good time, maybe I'll meet a guy. I'm open to meeting a guy. I'm certainly not closed off to meeting a guy. And maybe I'll be surprised. You know, you kind of always have to go out with this kind of, like, curiosity and open to being surprised rather than going, whether it's on the apps, whether it's going out to the bars, make it your whole mission so that if it doesn't happen, you leave disappointed. You should have zero expectations on the apps. Right? Like it there. It's just a bunch of strangers. You have no idea who these people are. Hell, you don't even know if they're real. You know, you don't know how updated their pictures are. It's really important for you to trust your gut. So when you are saying, hey, can I see your Instagram? And he comes back with a, that's too personal. If you're like, well, no, it's not immediately at that point, save all the energy that you wasted with this guy and just know that, yep, this stranger, this person I don't even know is real. For all I know, it's a bot, is not my guy. I'm going to move on. You just immediately unmatch. You know, you knew nothing about this person other than a couple pictures. You asked a very basic question. He took exception to that and let you know that you guys weren't on the same page. Before he even met this guy, he was like, we're not on the same page. I mean, immediately just unmatch, you know, not, you know, it's not to be rude. You don't have to, like, you don't have to be mean about it. You could just, oh, okay, well, if he thinks that's personal, I think that's normal. I mean, I've known, I've communicated with a stranger for five seconds and already we're not on the same page, you know, so, like, don't waste, don't get in a fight with people. You're fighting with strangers for all you Know you're fighting with a robot. Do the little things to help yourself out. Right? Because, again, dating is frustrating. It's exhausting. This paradigm, I don't know if Paradigm, you know, whatever. I mean, sometimes I just throw out words. I don't even know the meaning. And the most frustrating thing about love and dating, especially in 2026, is that we still want to find something special. We still want to find something unique. We still want to watch the Notebook and feel like, yep, the love I found with my person is as euphoric as these crazy characters in this movie. But we also don't want it to be hard. We don't want to have to write 365 love letters in one year and wait 20 years to find love like they did in the Notebook or whatever. We want it to just happen. You want to go on the apps for a couple months, swipe a few times, go on a couple dates, and you want to meet your guy and have it be, like, amazing, which I get. I mean, we all do, you know, but that's just kind of not realistic. So dating is about going on 10 dates just to, like, one person. I mean, that's dating. And that one person doesn't mean it's going to be your guy. It just mean it might be the person you, like, are interested in, and maybe they're not interested in you. And it might have. It might take 10, 20 dates or 20 matches at least to find someone who's like, there's a mutual compatibility. And then you date that person for a period of time only to realize while they were good, they weren't great, you know? And that is, unfortunately, the reality of dating. And that does sound exhausting, and it is exhausting. But the thing that you can do to help yourself is to not waste your energy on things that you know are a waste of time. Like the guy who's like, that's a personal question. You're like, that's. That's literally. You think that's personal. We're not. You know what I'm saying? Like, to not get frustrated, you know, like going on the dating apps. Just know you're going to see a lot of bad options. And instead of getting discouraged by all the people you don't like, you yourself said, I'm picky, I'm particular, I have high standards. That's awesome. Well, you can't have high standards. And like everybody, high standards requires patience and high standards in anything, whether it's, you know, if you. If you had high standards at your job, you know, you would take a little bit more extra time to make sure it's done right. Where other people might be, like, yeah, I'm done. I don't know, Like. And you might be a little bit more patient to check your work to make sure it's right to review it. And, yeah, highest standards requires patience. And a lot of people in dating like to say, I have high standards. I'm picky. And that's true. But they also don't have the patience. They're like, I've been on the app for four months. What the fuck? You know, I think overall, you're doing everything fine. You're overanalyzing your dating app. You're like, well, this one got the most engagement. I mean, like, I. Listen, it's hookup culture to the max right now. Not to discourage you, but I would venture that most of the guys on the app, you know, they might read that and go, oh, that's sweet. And maybe they want to get married someday, but most of them are probably looking for a hot date and maybe a fun hookup. The energy that you are using to be, like, to find validation and people liking your profile isn't doing you any good. You know, again, use the apps, but just have a very low expectation. Most people are on it, playing hot or not. I would maybe check in. I mean, I would limit your time on it and just, you know, again, you know, have fun with it. Just goof around. It is a silly thing. It's become comical. Apps, right? But you can still meet people, right? Like, I met my wife on Instagram. So, like, it can still be possible, but, like, you shouldn't be. Like, Instagram or the dating apps are my key to, like, finding, you know, it's. It. There are doors and windows to rooms you want to fill. So leave them a little cracked open, you know, don't close yourself off. You know, be open to meeting people. I really think we're gonna. You know, like, I saw this graph, like, in the. You know, how people met their partner, you know, from like, 1950 to now, right? And it was just kind of talking about how the Internet has taken over. And at this time, it was like. Like, you know, zero people met on the line because, well, online didn't exist, right? And then most people met people through friends and family, church, school, college, whatever. And obviously now it's like, now 60% of people are marrying their person online. And I think over time, there'll be a bit of a renaissance or a shift. I think your mom is right. I think the more you just can get out there and engage with people in the real world and slow down and just try to meet people and have fun with people, not with the expectation of finding a husband, but just to meet friends. And when you find a spark, lean into that, ask questions. But just know that even in the real world, as a picky particular person, you are not supposed to like everyone, and they are not supposed to like. You don't get discouraged when you go out on a Friday night and you don't meet a guy. You're probably not going to meet a guy. When I was the Bachelor or every bachelor or Bachelorette who's ever gone on that show, the show is, you know, they're saying, we have found the 25 or 30 most eligible people in the world. And then every lead who, like, goes out there, they're like. They may be like, two. And that's because we were. We all are all picky, and we. We're not just gonna fall in love with anyone. It doesn't matter if they're all attractive people. It doesn't matter if they're all, like, fairly, like, good catches. You know, for a lot of us out there, the Bachelor casking can go out and find, like. Like the 25 most eligible people. And that. That one lead is still like, I don't know, maybe two, you know, so think about that when you go out to the bars. You know, you could walk into a bar and have a bunch of guys, and you're not supposed to, like, fall in love with any of them. If you do great, you should. Then that. And that's why when it does happen, you have a hard time sleeping because you're so excited. You know, you're. You're just like, this is. Oh, my God. This is this person real. You know, like, and even then, you might find out that being a total piece of shit, and then they might not like you. But, like, I think you just have to slow down and enjoy the journey a little bit. Have some fun. You're not. And stop being so hard on yourself. And when things don't work out, whether it's online, certainly online or out at the bars, you don't have to overanalyze, what am I doing wrong? Okay. It's just part of the process. You should, like, it's. You should just be like, it's just dating and kind of take it easy on yourself.
Caller Bri
Yeah, I think I need to focus on doing that more. Like I said, when I go out, I do try to just have fun. And whatever. And I go out to be with my girls. I don't go out to go out with the intention of wanting to meet someone, but not with the end goal of it, obviously.
Nick Viall
Again, you're doing all things right. The only thing you maybe need to change is your analysis of the results of these evenings. And just be patient. Honestly, that's a sound corny, but just keep a positive demeanor, have good energy, be engaging with people. And I'm saying this to someone who's more introverted. And I don't walk outside in the public rooms, like, being like, like, you know, focus on being the friendliest purpose. I mean, I'm married, you know, it's like. But if, if we want to meet people, we have to, we have to show up into rooms with like a welcoming energy, a friendly demeanor, and that will attract people we don't want to talk to, you know, so again, there's that catch 22. But again, you just, you know, try to just make connections with people, and I promise eventually it'll work out, but you just have to practice patience.
Caller Bri
Yeah, because I feel like I'm very outgoing. I can make friends with kind of like anyone. And I don't have a problem like approaching people, obviously. Like, if I'm looking, if I'm out, like, I want a guy to approach me. Like, I don't really want. Want to approach them, but, like, I can make friends with anyone. Like, if somebody approaches me, I can be friendly. Like, it's not a problem for me. So I don't think that that's really my issue. I just wonder, like, do people think I'm not of age? Because, like, I do look younger and I don't drink. Like, do. Is that, is that part of my issue? Like, do people not just.
Nick Viall
You're overanalyzing. I mean, you, you look 23. I mean, you look. I mean, if you told me you were younger, I'd also believe that. I mean, you're, you're age ambiguous as it relates to like being. Yeah, I would have, I would have guessed somewhere in your early 20s. I don't know. Know, you know, and again, I wouldn't listen to people in their feedback of whatever they say they do. Most people are just if, if they meet someone in a dating situation that they don't want to continue. Think about what you would do. You would probably. You're just trying to get out of it, right? So you're trying to say the thing that you think would be the least offensive. That sounds legit and, you know, so Like, I wouldn't listen to the feedback from people you. You barely know, and I wouldn't listen to the feedback from anyone online because you don't know them at all. Listen to your friends, listen to your mom, but most importantly, listen to yourself. And I think, trust your gut. You have good instincts. And just be patient. It really just. It's having the patience so that you don't constantly critique yourself and second guess yourself. And definitely stop overanalyzing and listening to the feedback of strange men.
Caller Bri
I'll definitely take that advice for sure.
Nick Viall
Was this helpful?
Caller Bri
This was definitely very helpful. I'm definitely just gonna let things happen naturally. That's really my goal at this point because I'm on the apps and I'm kind of like, there's. It hasn't happened yet. And with what's been going on kind of like I don't really have like, oh, it's gonna happen tomorrow kind of mindset anymore. I just kind of sit there and I'm kind of like, I'll keep the apps because you just never know. But at this point, I'm not gonna fully rely on them because it's just not working.
Nick Viall
You're only 23, so enjoy this. Have fun with your friends. Like, don't. Don't waste 23. And this advice I would have given to my younger self being pressed that you haven't found the one yet.
Caller Bri
Okay.
Nick Viall
Be intentional. Be open. Be positive. It'll happen.
Caller Bri
Okay.
Nick Viall
All right.
Caller Bri
Thank you so much.
Nick Viall
All right, take care.
Caller Bri
Have a great day. I love your show. I'm a huge fan. I listen to Ask Nick all the time.
Nick Viall
Well, thanks for listening.
Caller Bri
I already listened to Monday's episode. I loved it.
Nick Viall
I appreciate you. You.
Caller Bri
And I tell all my friends about it and I tell them to listen.
Nick Viall
I love that. Appreciate it.
Caller Bri
Making my car rides to work so much better.
Nick Viall
Well, thank you for listening. And as you continue dating, if you have a meaningful update where you feel like, you know, this was kind of a nice moment, let it give us an update.
Caller Bri
I definitely will. Thank you so much, Nick.
Nick Viall
All right, thanks so much.
Caller Bri
Have a great day.
Nick Viall
You too. Bye. Bye.
Caller Bri
You're crazy.
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Date: March 16, 2026
Host: Nick Viall (with occasional input from Natalie Joy and the Household)
This "Ask Nick" episode of The Viall Files centers on practical, compassionate relationship and dating advice for the modern age. Listeners call in with real-life dilemmas, from navigating tricky feelings for a coworker (especially when working in HR), to evaluating healthy but lacking-chemistry relationships, to the frustrations and realities of dating in your 20s—particularly in a world dominated by dating apps.
Through three substantial caller conversations, Nick Viall offers perspective, reassurance, and his signature blend of empathy and tough love, encouraging listeners to challenge their narratives, be patient, and stay honest with themselves in the sometimes frustrating search for connection.
Timestamps: 01:59–17:39
Situation Recap:
Discussion Highlights:
Notable Quotes:
Memorable Moment:
Mary admits, “I’ve never done that before,” to which Nick replies, “Good practice... the days of ‘I never do this’ are outdated and antiquated” (12:00).
Timestamps: 22:24–37:39
Situation Recap:
Discussion Highlights:
Notable Quotes:
Memorable Moment:
Sarah describes her internal conflict writing a Valentine's Day card she felt she couldn't fill out honestly: “I can’t lie. I don’t miss him when he’s gone...” (24:29).
Timestamps: 41:05–61:44
Situation Recap:
Discussion Highlights:
Notable Quotes:
Memorable Moment:
Bri describes her perpetual cycle on the apps: “I match with them. They don’t even message me. They just match with me, don’t even say anything.” (46:56), highlighting a universal frustration for modern daters.
Episode mood: Warm, encouraging, pragmatic, and notably non-judgmental.
Ideal for: Anyone navigating dating, office romances, or disheartened by the realities of swipe culture!