E1138 - Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Blocked Me

Summary

The Viall Files - E1138: Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Blocked Me

Date: June 8, 2026
Host: Nick Viall
Featured Callers: Jessica, Haley, Charlie
Episode Theme: Relationship Dilemmas: Social Media, Moving In, and Breakup Logistics

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Episode Overview

In this "Ask Nick" episode of The Viall Files, Nick Viall takes listener calls about tricky relationship scenarios, with a focus on boundaries, communication, and self-worth. Topics include a boyfriend's refusal to acknowledge a long-term partner online, moving in when not both parties are ready, and navigating the emotional and logistical fallout of a breakup, including pets and living situations.

Nick offers direct, empathetic, and often challenging advice to help callers see their relationships from new perspectives, prioritize their happiness, and avoid unnecessary pain.

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Key Caller Discussions & Insights

I. Jessica: "My boyfriend refuses to share me on social media"

Timestamps: [03:10] – [48:28]

Situation Recap

• Jessica, 36, has dated her boyfriend for over two years (off/on for two years prior).
• Boyfriend avoided commitment initially, later "did a 180," but has since refused to add or feature her on social media.
• Took 18 months just to become Facebook friends.
• He has a business Instagram (woodworking), a personal (she’s blocked), and a Facebook, but claims not to use them much.
• Jessica lives with him, has two children, but feels her happiness and needs are not prioritized.

Key Insights & Discussion Points

• The Social Media Issue as a Symptom

  • Nick reframes Jessica's anxiety, saying the issue isn’t really about “being crazy about social media” but about underlying commitment and respect.

    "In 2026, I don't care if you are 22 or 72, if you are online and not sharing your life, there's usually a reason." — Nick [07:15]

  • Jessica feels “silly” focusing on this topic, but Nick reassures her, saying it’s more about patterns of behavior and being made to feel like her needs are an inconvenience.

• Power Dynamics and Emotional Labor

  • The relationship has historically moved at his comfort level. Jessica voices that things “aren’t moving at all.”

    “The power dynamic seems to be in his court...the relationship kind of moves at his comfort level.” — Nick [10:11]

  • Jessica describes additional struggles: cohabitation with her children, his refusal to moderate drinking (despite her childhood trauma with alcoholism), lack of engagement in family life, and a general lack of compromise or emotional labor from him.

• Self-Worth & Non-Negotiables

  • Nick encourages Jessica to be more “selfish” with her happiness, as she’s in a stage of life—with two kids and no need for more—where she can and should set high standards.

    “There is nothing stopping you from the rest of your life.” — Nick [24:00]

• The Trap of 'Starting Over'

  • Jessica fears “starting over” and worries her boyfriend will suddenly do everything “right” for the next woman; Nick challenges this, pointing out that’s “just ego talking.”

    “If you end this relationship, I hope you end it because I don’t know what you’re getting out of this other than, like, frustration.” — Nick [25:48]

• Letting Go of Control & the Importance of Standards

  • Nick highlights that Jessica is trying to earn the “bare minimum” from someone set in his ways.

    “You are selling yourself and your life short by centering him.” — Nick [23:00]

  • He urges her to stop internalizing his unwillingness as a personal failure and to “refresh” her perspective, not see it as “starting over.”

    “You're not going to get what you want until you expect it for yourself, until it becomes your bare minimum.” — Nick [42:15]

  • Encourages therapy and using her friend network for support.

Memorable Quotes

• “You don’t prioritize your happiness as much as you would like to think.” — Nick [34:09]
• “At some point, we actually have to ask ourselves what makes us happy? And we have to do the thing that makes us happy. Our brain prefers pain to boredom.” — Nick [31:57]
• “You have so much freedom...bring that energy instead of ‘I don’t want to start over’...like you’re sitting on a lottery ticket you haven’t cashed in yet.” — Nick [46:29]
• “You're not starting over...you're just maybe closing a chapter of something that will just be a memory.” — Nick [28:18]

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II. Haley: "Hopeful to move in with my boyfriend—he’s avoiding the conversation"

Timestamps: [51:20] – [69:01]

Situation Recap

• Haley, 32, is nearing her lease end and hopes to move in with her boyfriend of 8 months, who is 35.
• He deflects, citing it's "too soon" and is in the process of buying a house.
• Past experience: last time Haley moved in with a partner, it was for practical reasons and went badly.

Key Insights & Discussion Points

• When Should Couples Move In?

  • Nick says moving in should only occur when both are equally and genuinely excited, or when engaged/married—not from convenience or pressure.

    “Moving in together won’t benefit the relationship one bit by itself.” — Nick [54:10] “You want to move in with someone that, like, it just feels good. It feels fun. It feels like this is what we both want.” — Nick [55:04]

• Pressure, Security, and Real Commitment

  • Nick pushes Haley to reflect: is moving in about real progress, or chasing security, or fearing “missing out?”

    “So what added security are you getting by convincing him to move in with you?” — Nick [62:15]

• Relationship Milestones and Patience

  • Acknowledges the urge to move forward (especially with a biological clock in mind), but stresses that creating unnecessary urgency or making someone say yes before they’re ready can backfire.

    “Adding unnecessary pressure and just wanting it because you’ve decided it will make you feel more secure today…that’s a mistake on your part.” — Nick [62:09]

• Practical Advice

  • Let him get his house, and use that as a new chapter when the time comes. Avoid “grinding him down” to a yes. After a year, reassess if things aren’t moving forward.

Memorable Quotes

• "You can't guarantee how he is going to feel about you in a year. You can't guarantee that he's not going to break your heart or disappoint you." — Nick [60:06]
• "You want to live with a guy who's kind of like—shrug—because it doesn't feel good to move in only when he's ready? That says something.” — Nick [59:43]

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III. Charlie: "Breakup after lease—What do I do with the dogs and the apartment?"

Timestamps: [71:11] – [103:26]

Situation Recap

• Charlie, 30, just got broken up with after agreeing to a lease extension. She's dealing with grief (losing an aunt), estranged family, and her boyfriend’s depression.
• They share two dogs (one his originally, one acquired together), and are now essentially roommates.
• She wonders about fairness with the dogs, the lease, and practical/petty post-breakup matters (possessions and costs).

Key Insights & Discussion Points

• Processing the Breakup

  • Nick admires Charlie’s clarity and reluctance to reconcile ("this is great news—you have some clarity" [74:35]), especially given the tendency to chase someone who rejects you.
  • Reinforces that her guilt for feeling okay is unnecessary.

• Dogs & Logistics

  • Joint dog custody is a "no." Pick a clean break—dogs will adjust.

    "To me, the absolute thing that can't happen is some weird joint custody." — Nick [81:33]

  • If her ex offers both dogs, confirm, ensure it’s final (get in writing if needed), and avoid guilt:

    "Thank you, but if you do let me have them, that’s it… No changing your mind." — Nick [84:13]

  • On splitting leases and possessions: prioritize a civil, business-like approach; avoid getting hung up on small items.

• Fairness & Boundaries

  • Even though she feels bad for her ex’s depression, Nick reminds her not to “save” him or take responsibility for his struggles post-breakup.

    "You’re not going to save him. ...While you were together, you tried to be helpful and did your part as his partner, but relationships do end." — Nick [91:21]

  • On the lease: If they break it, split the penalty or let whoever stays take over the responsibility.

Memorable Quotes

• "You both just have to figure it out. And it’s not as complicated as it might feel." — Nick [86:05]
• "Stuff we bought together? Let him have all that. All of it. ...Take advantage of his reasonableness." — Nick [98:59]
• "There's no good time for a bad situation." — Nick [102:35]
• "This is about getting through this period of time as smooth as possible so that you both can be okay." — Nick [89:09]

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Episode Notables & Speaker Quotes

On Social Media & Relationship Red Flags

• Nick: "Jealousy is often a product of insecurity...or it's coming from a behavior of our partner that's driving us to feel insecure." [06:16]
• Nick: "So much of your happiness is wrapped up in your ability to get him to compromise… you are selling yourself and your life short by centering him." [23:00]

On Starting Over

• Nick: "You're not starting over...you're just maybe closing a chapter." [28:18]

On Standards and Selfishness (in a healthy way)

• Nick: "You really get to be selfish with your happiness and you can be patient." [16:15]

On Moving In & Rushing Milestones

• Nick: "There's only two to three reasons why people should move in together...The only other option is both people are equally excited to do it." [53:35]
• Nick: "You want to live with a guy who’s excited, not just agreeable." [59:43]

On Breakups and Shared Property

• Nick: "The rest will work itself out, you know? ...You can't do the thing where you use the dogs as an excuse to see each other." [82:17]
• Nick: "If you have to buy another bed frame or dresser, see it as a fresh start, fresh stuff." [100:14]

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------------| | [03:10] | Jessica’s Social Media Dilemma Introduction | | [09:40-12:30] | Nick unpacks underlying relationship/dynamic issues | | [18:56-25:48] | Discussion on “starting over” and self-worth | | [51:20] | Haley’s Moving In Request Introduction | | [54:10-57:44] | Nick’s “moving in together” philosophy | | [62:06-63:44] | The fallacy of seeking security through premature moving in| | [71:11] | Charlie’s Breakup & Lease Situation Introduction | | [81:33] | Why joint dog custody is bad: “none, clean cut” | | [89:09-90:14] | Lease/financial responsibility and “making this easy” | | [100:14] | Fresh start: “buy another bed frame… fresh stuff” |

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Summary Takeaways

• Social Media Should Mirror Real Life Priorities: If a long-term partner refuses to acknowledge you online, it’s a red flag about deeper respect and commitment issues.
• Speak Up for Your Happiness: Don’t be afraid to prioritize your needs. Often, internalized guilt is misplaced.
• Move In Only When Both Are Excited: Never cohabitate out of convenience, pressure, or a desire for security—mutual enthusiasm is key.
• Breakups Need Boundaries and Practicality: Animals, apartments, and possessions are not grounds for ongoing drama. Clean breaks and professionalism make for smoother transitions.
• Self-Worth Is Non-Negotiable: Allow yourself to close chapters that don’t serve you, and see new beginnings as opportunities—not failures.
• Support Systems Matter: Therapy and honest friendships provide much-needed perspective during transitions; don’t neglect your mental or emotional health.

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Closing Guidance

Nick wraps up with compassionate but direct advice: know your non-negotiables, own your happiness, act decisively during stressful transitions, and always hold space for growth and better connections ahead.

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If you only listen to these moments:

• [07:15-10:11] Jessica’s underlying relationship dynamic breakdown
• [25:48] Nick’s reality check on why breaking up isn’t about what someone might do for “the next woman”
• [54:10-55:29] Nick’s take on healthy timing for moving in together
• [81:33-82:25] Nick’s “rules” on dogs and post-breakup boundaries
• [100:14] Embracing the fresh start after a breakup

For more, check out The Viall Files full episode (#E1138)—your weekly guide to making sense of love, dating, and growing up.

Transcript

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[Jessica]

You're crazy.

[Nick]

How's it going?

[Jessica]

Good. My name is Jessica, I'm 36 and my boyfriend refuses to share me on his social media. Is this a red flag?

[Nick]

Okay, pro. Maybe. Probably. What? What. I'm assuming you've addressed this with him.

[Jessica]

Yes, it's been an ongoing topic for, I want to say, a few months.

[Nick]

How long you been dating?

[Jessica]

We've been together solid for just over two years and we were off and on about two years before that.

[Nick]

Okay, so you had like a two year kind of situationship.

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Nick]

Is that, was that like a thing?

[Jessica]

What do you mean?

[Nick]

Well, I mean like for example, Natalie and I, now that we're married, we joke about our first nine months in our relationship. But by those first nine months, like, you know, it was a thing, you know, she wanted to date, I didn't want to date. I had some reservations, yada, yada, yada. It was, you know, and it was only nine months. But like, was there a frustrating period in those two years where maybe you or him or, you know, it was a. Why weren't you together in those first two years? As. I'm curious.

[Jessica]

Absolutely.

[Charlie]

He.

[Jessica]

I would say, and he will admit now that he kind of put me through the wringer. It was more of like a lack of wanting to commit and whoever else and whatever else he had going on. So I wasn't, you know, at that point it, there was no long term future for us. It was just off and on and, you know, I wanted commitment and he didn't. And yeah, one day he changed his mind. He kind of did a 180. Honestly. It was like one day he just realized that he wanted me in his life long term and stopped being so difficult.

[Nick]

But there is nothing you did or changed?

[Jessica]

No.

[Nick]

Well, I'd love to hear his reasons why after three and a half plus years of being in each other's lives and two years of dating, why the Internet thinks you don't exist.

[Jessica]

Yeah, exactly. So basically this started, I want to say the topic came up a few months ago and I've never been kind of. This has never been something super important to me, this. So it's out of character. And that's kind of why I'm seeking a male perspective. Because like, this is unlike me and I, I just Yeah.

[Nick]

I don't understand it when you say unlike you. Are you, like. Are you seeing it as, like, I'm not that girl who's so insecure that needs to, like, be validated online and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Is that how you're meaning it when you say you're not that?

[Jessica]

Yeah, it's just never been an issue for me. Like, I've just never had this insecurity, like, come up before. It's odd. Like, I've just. I don't know how to deal with it.

[Nick]

Yeah, but when you say insecurity, you. You make it seem like it's a you problem.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Like it's your fault.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, like, this is. You are inconveniencing the relationship and your boyfriend because of your insecurities is how you're framing it.

[Jessica]

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

[Nick]

Jealousy is often a product of insecurity or is. And insecurity comes from either, like, our own unresolved issues, which, you know, is. That's how kind of how you're implying it, or it's coming from a behavior of our partner that's driving us to feel insecure. I mean, I'd love to hear the details, but, like, the little. Like, I've talked to you for two minutes, and you're like, okay, I've been seeing this guy for over about four years. Half of that time, for whatever reason, he couldn't commit to you, and then he just changed his behavior. Which means that. That tells me, like, all right, he sets the tone of things, and then for whatever reason, he doesn't share you on his social media. To the extent that. And again, you said, well, it's only been an issue for the past couple months, which means that tells me this is not like you first started dating and then you demanded he update his bio. But over time, you're. You're. I'm guessing, correct me if I'm wrong, you were like, what. What's going on? You know, it just became a thing. And then naturally you've felt insecure about it, which I feel like you're being hard on yourself because, like, in 2026, I don't care if you are 22 or 72, if you are online and not sharing your life, it's. There's usually a reason, you know?

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I'm guessing you're trying to figure out what that reason is.

[Jessica]

Yeah, very much so. It like to add to that, and I'll get into details, but it took him a year and a half of Me asking for him to just add me as a Facebook friend, which is, like, ridiculous. I feel ridiculous even asking these things.

[Nick]

Like, how old is he?

[Jessica]

So adolescent. He's 40 this year.

[Nick]

Okay, so he's like. Yeah, he's. Yeah, okay, if you were like 63. And I'm like, okay.

[Jessica]

I will preface this by like, he's not a. So like a super active on social media. I will say that.

[Nick]

But does he have a Facebook?

[Charlie]

Yep.

[Nick]

Does he have an Instagram?

[Jessica]

He does.

[Nick]

Okay. Are they public? Are they private?

[Jessica]

Yeah, one is public. He says it's a business. Instagram, he has that little hobby he has. And wood. Like woodworking.

[Nick]

He only posts woodworking.

[Jessica]

He's posted photos of, like, his dog and stuff like that. But he'll. Yeah, but on his Facebook, it's very. It's his, like, personal. And he does have a personal Instagram. However, like, during our two years of our rocky roads, he did block me on that and never unblocked me. And he claims he doesn't use it.

[Nick]

You're still blocked?

[Jessica]

Yes, and he claims he doesn't use it.

[Nick]

I mean, you're blocked, but, like, you could easily, like, have a. Like a friend or a finsta. See how active it is. You haven't looked.

[Jessica]

My friend, she has looked and she's just. She hasn't, like, you know, tried to get in there too much, but she's seen that there's been, like, no posts or whatever. I don't want to. Like, that's the thing with this is, like, I have felt like this is consuming way too much of my energy. Um, and like, I don't want to worry about these things.

[Nick]

But you are.

[Jessica]

Focus on them.

[Nick]

Yeah, but you are.

[Jessica]

I know, and I am.

[Nick]

But, like, it doesn't need to be this complicated. And you know that. And you feel crazy for caring about something that, like, you want to be. Like, this is so fucking stupid, you know, because in a lot of ways it is. But for whatever reason, he is putting up an unnecessary fight about things, and the question is why? The power dynamic seems to be in his court, you know, and. And the relationship kind of moves at his comfort level, which is.

[Jessica]

It's not moving at all.

[Nick]

Oh, okay. And how would you say that? Like, I guess outside of social media, like, what. How do you feel about everything else?

[Jessica]

This is all more or less a cherry on top, and I've been hyper focused on it. We've had other issues come up. I do have two kids. Okay. We do all live together, and my kids like him. That's a huge pro, and if they didn't, I wouldn't this decision and this wouldn't be so difficult. He is a pretty big drinker. My big request from him was not to not quit drinking altogether. When I say big drinker, I mean like, he will drink every day, but like, that's not my lifestyle and not the lifestyle I'm learning I want for my children.

[Nick]

Does it change his behavior? To a degree that's noticeable for me.

[Jessica]

Yeah. So I grew up with a alcoholic mother.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Jessica]

Which has been a bit of a struggle for me. And my big request from him was just, please, like, just refrain from drinking before I get home from work each day. That's all I ask. And it'll last a few days and then it's out the window. And I can tell whether he's had one, two, or three drinks, even just on the phone. So that's been a huge frustration because I'm asking for the bare minimum.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

And it's like his non negotiable. And the last time I brought it up, he basically is like, well, I'm an adult. I can do what I want.

[Nick]

That is true. Yeah. Well, so I think that's a really. That sentence. And that response is it feels like. And again, I know very little having talked to you, so you just tell me if I'm wrong. But that seems to be the theme of your guys's relationship. He's an adult. He will do what he wants. And your relationship revolves around that mindset he has for himself.

[Jessica]

So topic of our struggles lately has been a little bit of, you know, our last conversation. I was outlining the reasons why I'm kind of unhappy in this relationship. And at what point does my happiness matter and what I want matter?

[Nick]

I mean, I would say, like, not always. You know, it should. How old are your kids?

[Jessica]

5 and 10.

[Nick]

Okay. Is there dad in the picture at all?

[Jessica]

Yes. Yeah, we're 50.

[Haley]

50.

[Nick]

Okay. How aware of your boyfriend's drinking is their dad?

[Jessica]

Not.

[Nick]

Okay. But I'm assuming like aside all that, like, it's not. It's just kind of making you uncomfortable because you can just like, I'm guessing he. Like you said, you can. If he has a couple drinks, you can tell he's like his motor skills are slowing down.

[Jessica]

Yeah. It's just, it's an ick too. And I try to tell him that and it doesn't change anything. And for me growing up, it was, you know, sometimes I'd come home from school not knowing what I would get and It's a trigger. It's a huge trigger. And I know that's kind of a problem I have that I need to deal with, but, like, help me out here.

[Nick]

I don't know. I don't some. I don't know if you need to deal with it. Most icks are like pet peeves that we have to maybe work through. You know, like when I trip and fall and my wife gets the ick, you know, like, she might have to, like, accept that about me, that I can be a little clumsy. I don't know if you have to accept this. You're a mother of two. You're 36. Are you divorced? Are you separated?

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Nick]

Okay, so what, at this stage in your life, what are your relationship goals for yourself? I ask that a lot, but I particularly am curious about it with you.

[Jessica]

I would love someone that, you know, does want to prioritize my happiness and involves themselves a bit more in my children's lives. Showing up for sports activities and, you know, engaging with them. Someone that's not super selfish with their time.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Jessica]

Yeah. A little bit of normalcy. Someone that is proud of me and my kids.

[Nick]

Okay. And do you want more kids?

[Jessica]

Not at this point. I. It would depend on the person. So he doesn't have kids. He expressed that he wanted kids, but, like, it's been a waste of four years. Fear. And I don't feel like we're progressing or getting really anywhere.

[Nick]

If you didn't have any more kids, and how would you feel about that?

[Jessica]

Fine.

[Nick]

Totally fine.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

With someone in your shoes, I feel like you. Maybe the best way to articulate this. I feel like you're not taking advantage of the situation you're in. And I don't know how you feel about your situation. And when you, like, kind of just look at your life as a whole. But I'm sitting here and thinking, like. And maybe I'm wrong. This is my perspective. So, like, I could be, like, way off base, but I'm like, this is a person, like, playing with house money, so to speak. You know, like, you are in a position, unlike other people I get to talk to, to be really, really picky with your happiness. And you don't seem to be taking advantage of that. And the only reason I say that is, you know, like, you're 36. Right. You know, you're like a lot of women, or men, but specifically women, because women have to deal with a biological clock if they want to have kids, if they are desiring to have kids or have more Kids, there's like an inherent pressure. It's easy for me to say, oh, take it slow and don't stress and take a break from dating when you're stressed out or you know what, he's not treating you right, just leave. Even that can feel like. Well, that's easy for you to say, Nick. You're on the other side of things. But like, this inherent desire, desire to settle down and get married and have kids is, Is a real thing. And, and there is a window for some people, especially women. Right? But yeah, you don't have that. And like, you've, you've done the thing and like, you know, it sounds like you're open to the possibility if you meet the right guy and yada, yada, yada, but sounds like you have two beautiful children and being a mom, you get to be the thing that many people desire to be and, and, and get profound purpose and meaning from. And you have that, you know, and so you are, you are in this very unique position, if you want to see it that way, to be really selfish. Not like selfish because you're only going to care about yourself or in the way that your boyfriend kind of seems selfish, but you really can be selfish with your happiness and you can be patient. And I'm sure there will be lonely times in your life when, you know, when we don't have a partner and we want a partner that's, you know, like, we long for connection and you might experience periods of that, but in the interim, you still have your children to connect with. And, you know, it's not the same as a romantic partner or your friends or whatever, but you know what I'm saying? So, like, I'm talking to you and being like, why is she putting up with this thing? You know, like, what's the thing that's keeping you from seeing it the way I see it? Because like, so many people, well, you know, whether it's artificial or not, will come up with these reasons to stay in bad situations because they, they don't want to start over or, you know, you've gone through a divorce, you've survived that, you know, that's a challenge, you know, and at 36, you know, like, I don't know about you, but, like, at this stage of my life, and you're, you're a little younger than me, but your ability to survive these things and work through them, I'm assuming, gives you a sense of resiliency and confidence of like, I don't know, when I was younger and I got broken up with or something happened and if it happened for the first time, there was always like this fear of how do I get over this? You know, how do I get through this? Because I never did. But once you start doing that, there's a little bit of like, you know, I don't know, some shit's gonna happen. I don't know. You get, you, you realize that life throws you curveballs and you, you are less afraid of those curveballs. And you know, you know that you'll get through things. You seem like a wonderful person. You seem like if, if you wanted to date other people, you would, you would have some options if you wanted to. But what's the thing that's stopping you from taking advantage of the fact that like, you can really, you know, you, you, you don't have anything. There's no mental hurdle that's stopping you from being like, I don't need to put up with this shit.

[Jessica]

Yeah, I suppose it's that whole kind of like you kind of mentioned is that starting over feeling. And you know, he's made massive changes before and I kind of have been kind of hoping and just lately I'm feeling like, you know, these, he has non negotiables and like, what are mine essentially?

[Nick]

Yeah, that's a great question.

[Jessica]

And they're conflicting and am I going to be happy long term? And I'm just kind of, this has been all within the last, I want to say like two months I've been really drilling down and I think it's resulted in me picking them apart a little bit, but not in the way that I'm being too nitpicky, but I am realizing these things that bother me and I'm voicing them.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

And so instead of that being a positive in our relationship of, you know, good communication, it's become conflict.

[Nick]

You know, it's interesting because when I, you know, I asked you what changed a couple years ago when you started dating and you're like, I don't know, he just, he just changed. I imagine you almost feel like that's a good thing. I didn't have to ask, I didn't have to give him an ultimatum. I almost see it as the opposite because again, it's more like the theme of the relationship. It was still on his terms, you know, and so much of a relationship is the willingness to compromise and communicate and make sacrifices. Not to the extent that these sacrifices you have to make in a relationship regularly hurt you or put you in a bad situation, but like the ability to make sacrifices because you know that a minor inconvenience may. May really make your partner feel happy or, you know, supported. It feels like you have to fight an inordinate amount of time to simply get him to support you to make you feel supported. It sounds like you spent a lot of time trying to get him to do the bare minimum, and then now it's like you're at this point where you're kind of gaslighting yourself into, like, am I just fucking crazy? Am I? I'm, like, nitpicking. I'm like, I'm caring about social media, and it's just like, he's not a bad guy, you know, and it's just like, it's not about him being a bad guy or not, you know, you are in a position to find a great guy. How's your co parenting relationship with dad for another episode?

[Jessica]

Okay. Yeah, no, it's. It's. It's gotten better. It's taken a lot of work.

[Nick]

Okay, well, that was kind of my point. So whatever it is, it sounds like it's gotten better, but that's taken work. Right?

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You're stuck. Right. And you're trying to figure out how to get unstuck, and your hope is that he will change again. But one, I don't know when that's going to happen. I don't know if that's going to happen. And I don't think you want it to happen on his terms again, because if that's the case, it will just bleed into some other aspect of your relationship. This is a man who is set in his ways and is very comfortable saying no for stupid things. You know, there's a good chance he's not doing anything nefarious when it comes to, like, not putting you on there. There's definitely a possibility. It's hard to say, you know, 50, 50, whatever. But. And I only say that because, like, if he is the type of guy who's just, like, comfortable saying no because he wants to be in control of the situation, because he's really stubborn, because, like, you know, that's a problem, you

[Jessica]

know, And I did bring that up to him. I said, like, is this something you genuinely just aren't comfortable doing, or are you not wanting to do it because I'm asking you, like, or telling you that this would make me happy, in which case is twisted, you know, I'm telling you this would make me very happy. And it's like, over my dead body, basically.

[Nick]

I imagine so much of your mental energy and what dictates your happiness right now is this relationship with him. And because he says no so much, it's become this thing, maybe even subconsciously, where so much of your happiness is wrapped up in your ability to get him to compromise. And there's a part of you that feels like you've put in so much work in this relationship. You know, those two years were, you know, he wasn't your boyfriend and then became your boyfriend, but I think you are selling yourself and your life short by centering him in terms of that feeling you have. Again, you're discounting everything you've been through as a mom, as a, as an ex wife, as a, as a co parent. You know, you're not starting over. Like, and that's so cool about your position that I really want, I hope, I hope, like, again, like, I don't want to tell you how to have like the perspective you're supposed to have, but there is nothing stopping you from the rest of your life.

[Jessica]

Yeah, I fear having regrets and I fear, you know, that typical fear of, you know, maybe he will do all of these things for somebody else.

[Nick]

Well, that's ego. Yeah.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And the truth is he's not. He's not like, I mean, again, like, ironically, you know, maybe he would share her on social media, right? Like, there's definitely a possibility. You end this relationship, six months go by, one of your girlfriends, like that fucking Matt, he's got a girlfriend, she fucking posts him and it could devastate you. But that would be pure ego and that would be you. Really? That would be on you?

[Jessica]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I agree.

[Nick]

Because the reality is I would bet that he is who he is. And so he might post her on social media. I don't find. But what he is, is, is a very stubborn person who's very set in his ways and does what he wants. And if he chose to post her on social media, that would simply be because he wanted to and it's not because he's proud of her, like, whatever. It would just be like out of, I don't know, maybe despite, honestly, if you really wanted to, you could, you could allow yourself to be like, he's. He still cares what you think in a way that would allow you to, like, honestly, if you wanted to, you know, manipulate your own ego in a way, but you wouldn't be missing, you know, you know what I'm saying? If you end this relationship, I hope it's. You end it because I don't know what you're getting out of this other than, like, Frustration, I am sure. Again, I'm sure he's not the worst guy and I'm sure you guys have had happy moments and yada yada yada, but like, at 36 years age with two kids, you have clearly lived a full enough life. And again, like, there's just a lot of people that are not in your position that I could say this to. Like if, if someone called in, you know, man or woman, but especially a woman who was like, I desperately want to have kids someday, you know, and if she's 36, you know, and she's like, I froze my eggs and whatever, and I would still ultimately be like, listen, you can't force it, you're gonna have to be patient and yada, yada, yada. And like at the end of the day, you still have to stick to your guns with your non negotiables and don't sacrifice your own happiness. But that would be so much easier for me to say and harder for that person to implement because like, if that, if that desire to be a parent is real, like there are elements that like, that are outside of people's control. And no one wants to have a child with someone who's difficult to co parent with as much as you want to be a parent. But for whatever your situation with your co parent, it is what it is. That's the life you have. And you have two wonderful kids, right? My grandma back in like, you know, my, my grandfather left her for another woman like in the 70s, you know, this is five kids, my whole life. She just, she's only dated rich men, you know, and they would die and she find someone else. She seemed pretty happy, you know, and, and she had her five kids. I imagine so much of her life was through her kids. But like, you know, I guess she just lived life for herself, especially as adults. So much of the decisions we make for our own romantic life are not based off of our immediate needs, you know, because there's other things, there's other variables. The things that we want. When I was in my mid-30s and I was single, there is, this is like, will it ever happen for me? You know, it's like there is that feel, you know, if you never get to that point, they're just like, I'm doing something wrong or I don't know. Yeah, yeah, but you don't. Like it's happened for you, you know, and now you really, you really get to be selfish. You really get to be like the only thing I have to worry about when it comes to my Romantic relationship is, am I happy? And if I'm not happy, I can move on. And how many loves have you had in your life?

[Jessica]

I want to say two.

[Nick]

I mean, my first love that was a big part of my life was seven years. I mean, it was like I had some extraordinary highs and lows. And also it is a distant memory. You know what I'm saying? It's like I don't think about it. It's like I don't know who that person is anymore. I don't know what's going on in their life. I wish them well, but there's no emotional attachment. And I only say that because, like, you're old enough to know that you're. You have seasons of your life, you know, so instead of thinking about starting over, you're just maybe closing a chapter of something that will just be a memory, good memory, bad memory. But like, when you think about your ex husband, I mean, granny, you share kids, but you know what I'm saying, Like that whatever, you know, do you look at it back and like, you know, I'm guessing you're glad that you're not in that anymore.

[Jessica]

Yeah, I am. It was. We were together eight years and yeah, I am glad. But there is aspects I miss. I think I'm struggling with this relationship and I don't know, every relationship is different, of course, but I'm. I'm keep telling myself, like, I just want this to feel normal. Like, I feel, like you said, I'm constantly asking for the bare minimum. And I'm just at the point now where I'm asking why the part of

[Nick]

you that is afraid that he's going to do this, whatever this is, do the bare minimum with some other girl. If you say goodbye is really. That's your hurdle. That's your issue. Because I don't know if you watch Summer House, but that scandal that's happening right now and everyone's talking about it, but like, there is an element of like, you know, everyone's like team Sierra and she's this beautiful person and seemingly, like, a lot going for her and we in. And we all enjoyed watching her fall for this guy named Wes. But like, I've always been kind of watching it being like, what? Why is she bothering? Yeah, like what? I don't get it. Like, is someone who has a big ego and, like, is a competitive person. Like, you know, I have been that person who just like, I just need to be. I need to figure this out, you know, and I just. I need to figure it out. You know, but, like, at some point in our lives, we have to. It just doesn't do us any good.

[Jessica]

You know, I have seen him really show up for me, and, like, so I know he has it in him.

[Nick]

That's the part that hurts you because you're internalizing and I'm guessing is just like, okay, he's capable of doing it.

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Nick]

You know, it's a choice. He's making a choice. And you've seen him be able to do this, and so that part of you that, like, knows he's capable of doing it. Your ego is just like, well, he's not. He's choosing not to do it for you. And that's a reflection of you. There's something wrong with you. You need to make him do it because that will show you that you're worth it.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Nick]

But I def. I would love for you to try, like, that. That will be forever your biggest. Like, I honestly think that that's gonna stop you from being happy in your life.

[Jessica]

Right. I agree. Yeah. When you put it in that perspective. Yeah.

[Nick]

At some point, we actually have to ask ourselves what makes us happy? And we have to do the thing that makes us happy. Our brain prefers pain to boredom. It will choose pain over boredom. It will choose pain sometimes over contentment. Pain is exciting. It's a feeling. I think you are used to choosing pain over alternatives, and you sit in situations that aren't serving you when it comes to your happiness. Nothing stopping you from really making sure that, like, the people you invest in deserve what you bring to the table. But for whatever reason, your ego, I. I feel like is. Is stopping you from seeing it that way.

[Jessica]

Yeah. Well, yeah, I haven't heard it from that perspective yet, so. Something to think about for sure. Yeah. I've been. I feel like I've been focusing on. Kind of hyper focusing on these areas because maybe subconsciously I do know that.

[Nick]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, you're the one who's just like, when this call started, you feel silly caring about social media. It is silly. But you're not.

[Jessica]

It is.

[Nick]

You're not crazy for feeling the way you're feeling, but he's the one being silly and forcing you to be like, what the. Like, why don't you know?

[Jessica]

Why is this so difficult? Like, why is it.

[Nick]

But it's not. It's not difficult. He is choosing to be difficult, and then you are getting wrapped up in the drama of his willingness, incapable of just being this really stubborn, difficult guy. And it gets you activated. It gets you Charged up. It gets you invested. It makes you care. And caring is a. Is caring. We want to care about things, you know, But I would love for you to channel what you care about. And I really think the day you are able to control that side of your ego that gets you to do that, you're. You're going to be so much happier.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, when you prioritize, I don't think you prioritize. Prioritize your happiness as much as you would like to think.

[Jessica]

Yeah. I have a girlfriend that. Well, bless her heart, she's so great, and I vent to her all the time, and she's said the same things, so I've been kind of lacking that male perspective, I guess. So It's. It's hard. Starting over is hard. And if this ends, dating isn't going to be my priority. It's going to be making sure my kids are happy. Yeah, but.

[Nick]

And you.

[Jessica]

When that time comes. Yes, that's right. And when the time comes, dating is exhausting. Like, there's so much of me that does not want to start over. And I think so much of me was like, I just want to work on this instead of, you know, getting myself back out there.

[Nick]

I would love for you to be open to completely changing that perspective. Like, what do you mean, starting over?

[Jessica]

When we started this, I thought that he would be. I thought that was it. I thought we would be together and this would have progressed a lot more so, I guess more so, like, change of plan. I want to put it as not so much starting over.

[Nick]

And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe people listening are thinking, Putting too much weight on the fact that you already have kids and you don't want more kids. I mean, that's what I'm. I guess I'm trying to, like, instill in you. It's just like at 36, you are old enough to have again, you've your 20. Your early 20s must feel like a lifetime ago.

[Jessica]

Oh, yeah, right.

[Nick]

It's a different person. You know, it was a different friends, and you were just different. And that's like a. And I imagine for the most part, good or bad memories from your 20s are mostly just like memories. There's probably good. Like, even the. I always think, like, the bad ones are now. It's just like, that's. You know, when I think about some of those lows in my first relationship, I don't. It's not. It doesn't bring me pain. I kind of chuckle, you know?

[Jessica]

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

[Nick]

And you're only 36. And let's assume you have a. You live a full life and you live to your 90. I mean, certainly, like, we all want to be able, like, oh, I want that great love. And. But you're only 36. And so like this starting over mentality, I just feel like really limits you to finding what it feels like you really want, which is to find someone you can really enjoy life with.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I don't think you want a relationship that constantly that brings you a burden that you can stress about life with. It's just like. And so, yeah, dating can suck, but so much of your life is not starting over. The version of you who like, doesn't have kids, has never been divorced, like, never been married. So they don't know what that's like. They don't have any perspective about marriage or divorce or anything like that that you have in good or bad. This life experience that you have, it's information, it should allow you to see life a little bit less black and white, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Nick]

And so for the person who's, you know, in a similar situation than you, who desperately, you know, he's like, who's always wanted to have children and hasn't had that yet, that starting over feel can feel more real because it's like, it's, it is centered around I gotta find someone not only that I enjoy, but they want to have, they have to want to have kids, they have to want to do all these things and, and someone could be dating someone who like, doesn't make them happy, but does ultimately, you know, it's like, then, then that can feel a little heavier. You just want someone who shows up for you, who's excited about being with you, who is excited about doing things for you, you know, who, like from time to time when you're like, hey, I need some help. They, you know, I still like, yeah. Sometimes me and Natalie get frustrated with each other and sometimes whatever. But like, I, I still jump up when she needs something, you know, even if she's not. Like, I, you know, the, the part of me that my love language is acts of service, you know, I enjoy doing that for my, like. He doesn't enjoy making you happy. It sounds like he kind of seems to get off on getting, you know, making you frustrated.

[Jessica]

Mm, yeah. Like, like I said, he has shown up for me huge and so I know he has it in him. These main things that have been frustrations for me. I don't know why it's, you know, he's so stubborn. And they're non negotiables for him. So I guess I'm trying to figure out, are these my non negotiables? Is this. If he doesn't budge on some of these things, am I finishing this? Like, how. How flexible am I willing to be?

[Nick]

I think you sound incredibly flexible. Already too flexible.

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

To the point where, again, like, social media might be stupid, but social media isn't your problem. Your problem is this is a guy who seems to be incredibly stubborn and very comfortable saying no for the sake of saying no. And even if he is trustworthy and faithful, he is incredibly disruptive to the. Again, like, his priority isn't your happiness. It almost seems to be the opposite. You don't have someone that you can count on on a regular basis. And the fact that he has shown up a couple times and you can point to some moments where you're like, yeah, but he. But he did this. And in. That one moment was super helpful to me. And that one moment made me happy, but he did it for himself. You're spending a lot of energy, you know, again, like, trying to fight for the bare minimum. You know, what does that look like if you start over? Yeah. You.

[Charlie]

The.

[Nick]

Him moving out would be awkward and challenging and difficult. Okay. You moving out would be a pain in the ass. So, yeah, like, there is that, you know, but like, I guess from a financial standpoint, or is this something that's doable for you? Like, or is there an element?

[Jessica]

I mean, obviously life is expensive. It would be a struggle, but I manage. Like, there's been points in the last few months where, you know, he's. He has told me to leave. Like, arguments have gotten very heated and I have looked at places like, it has been very, very close to happening. And so it just kind of put me in that reality of like, this. This very well may happen soon. So I've been preparing myself.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Jessica]

As best I could. So financially, yeah, it's. I always make it work. It's. It's. It's fine. I think just for me, like, my kids are a huge priority, so I just. Making it as minimally hard on them would be my main priority and they'll get through.

[Nick]

But again, like, this is a guy who. You have to negotiate his drinking, which is like, already uncomfortable and doesn't seem like now it's not a big problem. But it's like, it's. When kins are evolved, it gets a little weirder and nickier. I want you to try as much as you can every Time you in your head think, I don't want to start over, I don't want to start over. I want you to try to say, stop it. And then I want you to start thinking about a life of a faceless person. But the idea that at 40 years old, you're going to meet someone who makes you just incredibly happy, you know, and shows up for you and is a really solid person that your kids will get to know. Whatever your wildest relationship dreams are at this stage of your life that you can have that. And it may, you know, there may be some periods, but like, but doesn't that sound great? You know, you're old enough to know that 40 isn't that far away. Life comes fast. And, and wouldn't you rather like in the next four years, be a great mom, be content? Yeah. You might feel lonely, you might go on some bad dates. There might be frustrations in that period of time, but like, whatever. But there won't be like extreme sadness. Because like right now you're experiencing extreme sadness at times when you have to like, fight for the stupid things like social media. And he says, no, that's gotta, it's so defeating. I imagine at times to just feel crazy to ask for bare minimum stuff and not get it. And certainly when you're lonely from times being single, that does moments of sadness, but not extreme sadness. Not the type of sadness where you feel like, what is wrong with me? Or what is wrong with my relationship or why can't someone just do this for me? And I would love for you to fantasize and know that if you allow yourself to have it, it will happen. You just don't know the win. But you know that whether it's at 37, 38, 39 or 43, it's going to happen someday. And in the interim, you have a lot of things in your life to keep you preoccupied. People who need you. You're not going to get what you want until you expect it for yourself, until it becomes your bare minimum. And you have been really good. He has gotten you really good at getting to accept less than what you deserve. And until you change that, it's going to be hard for you to get it, but I think you can change that. But like you, you really have to know that you deserve it. And it starts with you stopping the I gotta start over. Because you're not gonna start over. You know, things will change for sure. But it, yeah, all that's, you're just, you're getting rid of something that doesn't make you happy in the pursuit of something that does. And that's not starting over. That's a refresh.

[Jessica]

I have been feeling more like that as time has gone on. Like, this is maybe this is what's gonna be best. And maybe, yeah, I will be happier. And looking at places. A while ago it was like, oh, this would actually maybe be really nice. So this is where I'm like, how. How hard am I willing to fight for this?

[Nick]

I want you to focus on for the short period of like, how unhappy you are in this situation and how much energy you are putting into fighting these battles and what you could do with that energy. If you choose to say it's no longer my problem.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Nick]

I just want you to expect more for yourself. You deserve, like, you, You. You know, you. You could have anything you want in your life. You have nothing else that's stopping you from saying that. You know, when it comes to my romantic life, I can. I get to be really picky now. You made your sacrifices already. You married the wrong guy. You had a, you know, like, it didn't work out for you in terms of like, hey, having kids with someone that, you know, it fine, you know, but you've. You've done that. Like, you've. Now it's. You get the opportunity to like, really be selfish. And I want you to take advantage of that as much as possible. And even it doesn't happen to your 45, you'll be glad that you waited till you're 45, because you will have fun in between. You will. And focus on the fun. Like, there are fun aspects of being single and there are fun aspects of dating. And wouldn't you rather be a single mom with. To be a free agent than spending a whole weekend being sad about a guy who's just deciding to be stubborn for no fucking reason?

[Jessica]

Yeah. No. Yeah, you're right.

[Nick]

You know, like, not, you know, having a bad date is annoying, but it's still a good story. I would take a bad date with a stranger over feeling really, really sad over someone who just defiantly wants to not make you happy.

[Jessica]

Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. Hearing it from you. Yeah, I've been hearing it in my head too long, so hearing it back.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

A little bit more reassuring, I suppose.

[Nick]

You have so much freedom and you really like it's. There is nothing holding you back. And I want you to bring that energy rather than. I don't want to start over. I want you to feel like you're sitting on a lottery ticket. You haven't Cashed in yet. Yet.

[Jessica]

That's a good one. Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, and a lot of people just don't have the flexibility and freedom to make certain choices because, like, there's other variables in their life they want and they feel like, oh, that's. I can't be this selfish because I want this thing. And there's no major life thing that you have. You know, it's like all you want is happiness.

[Jessica]

Yes. Yeah.

[Nick]

So go be happy. Prioritize your happiness.

[Jessica]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Nick]

If you're not in therapy, I would encourage you to find someone that helps you through this period, because the part of you that is not good at letting yourself be happy, I think is something you need to work on and it might take some time. And this friend that you have that you referred to, I would. Sounds like a blessing, but, like, be open to, like, receiving some tough love from her. But I do think a good therapist will help guide you through this because there is something that's stopping you from allowing to embrace this freedom that you have. And you are good at sitting in. In pain.

[Jessica]

Thank you. Yeah, you're. You're absolutely right. Yeah. Thank you for that. And I will. It's been something that's been on the list to do for myself for a long time. Is that therapy? And just haven't yet.

[Nick]

All right, well, I encourage you to try. Your happiness is awaiting you, and the only thing that's stopping you is you. And it's. You're not going to get it from him.

[Jessica]

Thank you.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

Yeah, I needed to hear that. All right, I appreciate it.

[Nick]

Good luck. Keep us posted. I'd love to know how things work out.

[Jessica]

Yeah. Okay.

[Nick]

All right, take care.

[Jessica]

All right, thanks. Bye.

[Nick]

I gotta talk to you guys about Brain Edge. It's something that I've been getting from Nature Sunshine, and it's. I feel like as I get older, you know. You know. You know what brain fog is? Well, it's a real thing. And thanks to Nature Sunshine and Brain Edge, I feel like that is something that affects me less and less. Brain Edge. It combines traditional yerba mate with neurotropics, adoptogens, and botanicals that help support mental clarity, focus, and stamina. Whether it's supporting focus, skin health digestion, or daily wellness, Nature Sunshine approaches supplements in ways that feel intentional and well thought out. We love a brand that practices what they preach, and Nature Sunshine certainly does that, especially with clean, green, sustainable and wellness focused products. Well, if you've been watching my chalk drawings, you know that I've been drawing Some mountains and you probably saw me do one with, with my chlorophyll stick pads. Chlorophyll is a, it's like a, it's like a miracle drink. I don't, you know, it cleans your body. I mean, you can't detox enough with the stuff that's in the air and you're putting your body. I become a big detox guy. And the thing I love about the chlorophyll stick packs is they're delicious. For me, the key of reducing my sugar intake is finding delicious things that are either low in sugar or have no sugar. And those chloroform stick packs, zero grams of sugar with 100. Great taste. So check out Nature Sunshine for all the amazing products they have ethically sourced, clean source and you can feel good about the things that you're putting in your body because they care so much about what they put in their products. Try Nature Sunshine and experience the difference with supplements that are better for you and the planet. Go to naturesunshine.com today and use the code V I A L L for 20% off your first order plus free shipping. That's code V I A L L for 20% off your first [e-mail] when people talk about strength training and resilience, they usually focus on things like discipline, workouts and consistency. Something even more fundamental, your body's ability to produce energy. Well, that's where timeline comes in. Timeline is a supplement designed to support mitochondrial health and cellular energy production through urethane a strength support, energy recovery and healthy aging. Muscle health isn't just about building bigger muscles. It's about maintaining strength, endurance and recovery as you age. And well, as you guys know, I'm getting older, we all are. So timeline developed might appear which contains urethan A. Urethen A helps the body remove damaged mitochondria and support healthier mitochondria function. I started taking Mitrepure a few months ago and ever since then it's been just a little easier to want to get to get to those workouts. You know, it's always as you get older, there's always excuses in your head of why you don't want to work out and every little bit helps. Mitopure from timeline is helping me stay consistent with my workouts and helping me feel more refreshed and energized throughout the day. Timeline's clinically proven formula is now available at a new lower price might appear now starts at 79. When you go to timeline.compiall that is timeline.com via. How's it going?

[Jessica]

Good.

[Haley]

I'm Haley. I'm 32 and my lease ends next month. I'm hoping to move in with my boyfriend and when I talk to him about it, he avoids the conversation.

[Nick]

Okay. How long have you been dating?

[Haley]

Eight months right now. And then it'll be nine months when my lease ends.

[Nick]

Okay. Why do you want to move in with him?

[Haley]

So I want to move in with him because it's going to really great. I have had a really good time with him and I am excited to take that next step. I think it would work.

[Nick]

Okay. How old is he?

[Haley]

He's 35.

[Nick]

Okay, what's his reason? Does he give you a reason why he's uncomfortable or he's just trying to avoid the. Do you not know?

[Haley]

Yeah, he says a few things. We've had variations of this conversation a few times. He says nine months feels too soon. He's also in the process of buying a house. So he said, why don't you wait until I buy a house? You can move in then.

[Nick]

Does that feel more honest or like a long term excuse? Like, is he actually in the process of buying a house?

[Haley]

He is, but he goes back and forth. Some days he gets really close to putting in an offer in and then he goes, I don't need to rush this. Why am I. So it's back and forth.

[Nick]

Have either of you ever lived with anyone before?

[Haley]

I have, and he has to.

[Nick]

And how did that go for me?

[Haley]

It did not go well. It was a toxic relationship and I should have not have moved in with him.

[Nick]

Why did you move in with him?

[Haley]

Because my roommate at the time was moving out and he pushed me like, oh, I should move in. Your roommate's moving out.

[Nick]

How much of this, I mean, no doubt sounds like, you know, it's going well, you're excited. You know, why wouldn't I want to live with my boyfriend? I imagine there's that energy. Is there any part of you is just like. Well, would be like. The alternative is I'm going to live with myself and that's going to. I'm going to spend more money and I'm also going to. I'm going to spend more money and less time there because I'm going to spend a lot of time with him. And that just seems really impractical. How much of that is weighing on your mind?

[Haley]

Honestly? Not at all. I have a roommate, so my, my rent's pretty affordable.

[Nick]

You might hate this answer, but I Strongly believe that there's only two to three reasons why people should move in together. And the first two are kind of like you're. You're married and. Or engaged. You know, that's one and two. So, like, there's you. There is a. An actual commitment. You know, we are. We're in it. You know, we're together. And then the other. The only other option is both people are equally excited to do it.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

It doesn't make you wrong for wanting to move in with him. Hey, yeah, it's only been eight months, but whatever. You're like, I like you. I'm excited. I see a lot of future with you. I want to spend most of my time with you. It also doesn't make him wrong that he's like, I don't know, you've already lived with someone.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And it didn't work out. And you have the benefit of hindsight now to look back and reflect on that relationship and been like, yeah, I mean, didn't need to do that. If you're married, of course. Yeah, you probably should be living. It'd be weird if you're not living together, if you're engaged, like, you know, you don't have to live with each other because, like, you know, you can save that for the marriage part. But there is a. There is a clear commitment in this relationship. You know, you guys have only been dating for eight months. You know, you still have things to learn about each other. You know, there don't. Don't discount that. And I know there's an excitement to want to move things forward, but moving in together won't benefit the relationship one bit by itself. And that's why I say two people have to be mutually excited, because it can be a great thing. It can be a lot of fun, but you know how it can. You've experienced the other side.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And you want to move in with someone that, like, it just feels good. It feels fun. It feels like this is what we both want. So the first person I ever moved in with, we broke up. And I remembered, you know, I'd never done that before. So that was just a big moment. I was like, holy shit, I'm actually living with someone. Before, you know, we got engaged quickly and then subsequently broke up quickly after that. And then my next relationship, I felt really good about, you know, I was just like, that moving in thing, that didn't work. I don't know. Like, that did not go well. So I definitely had some baggage, and she really wanted to move in, and I Put my foot down the first year. And I think we were probably dating around six or seven months. She really. But we fought and we fought hard. She fought hard. And I was like, I know, I know. I'm not doing this again. You know, like, we just. I don't want to play house. I don't. Like we're not engaged. Like, we're still dating. And then another year went by and I still said no because, like, another year went by, but I was just more like, yeah, we're not engaged yet. You know, in fact, we're probably fighting a little bit more and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I am just not. I'm not moving in with you just because you want to. And it would be more convenient, you know. And then we fought hard, hard. Ultimately, I still said no. And she was like, well, fine, I'm just going to stay at your place full time. And she was kind of stubborn anyways, I think back in that relationship and we didn't work out at all. But at the time, my not wanting to move in with her had absolutely nothing to do with me being like kind of one foot out the door at all. I mean, I was. I was like, I was locked in so much, I was willing to fight with her about it, you know, like, it was exhausting. I was frustrated. But, like, I just. It was like in my mind, I was like, either we're gonna get married or we're not. And if we get married, we have the rest of our lives to live together. And if we get married, I don't ever want to get divorced, you know, but if, if we don't, like, this isn't gonna. This isn't gonna do anything for us.

[Haley]

I just, My first thought is, I don't want to be strung along.

[Nick]

But I. Again, that's where I think. And that's why I want to tell you the story, because I really don't think. Did I already ask? How old is he? He's 30.

[Haley]

He's 35. I'm 32.

[Nick]

Okay. Why do you feel like he's stringing you along?

[Haley]

Because when I ask, like, I get nine months feels too soon. What feels better for you? Like, what does it look like moving in with your partner? He can't answer it. He says he doesn't want to put a time on it. He wants it to happen naturally. And he just says like non committal, vague things, which is frustrating.

[Nick]

Yeah, I hear you. But it has only been nine months.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And you are old enough to know that you can feel one Way after nine months. And. And you can change your mind?

[Haley]

Definitely.

[Nick]

Other than that, that insecurity that you have of. Of reading into why he doesn't want to move in with you sounds like everything else is pretty good.

[Haley]

Yeah, pretty good.

[Nick]

The fact that he seems serious enough about buying a house, just practically speaking, it doesn't make sense for you guys to get a lease together. I will say this, like, I don't know what kind of house he's buying, but I bought my first house right when Natalie and I started dating. And it, like, it wasn't that big of a house, but compared to where I was living, you know, it was like a big. It was a house. Like, I never had a house before. And I just remember being like, I. Like, what am I doing? It made me want Natalie because I was like, I needed to fill. I wanted a woman's touch. I needed to fill out this house. And so if this guy is serious about buying a house, I get there's a strong chant possibility once he buys a house, he's gonna want you there more. You know, even if it's, like, unofficial, that house will feel pretty lonely as a single bachelor.

[Haley]

Yeah. And he alludes to that as well. But then my thought is, I'm supposed to just move in when he's ready. That doesn't feel good either.

[Nick]

Well, you want to. You want him to not be ready?

[Haley]

No, I just want it to be more mutual. Like you said, like, both equally excited. I guess that's just happening at different times.

[Nick]

I hear you, but can you at least recognize that nine months is. Is. Is still early in a relationship?

[Haley]

Yeah, obviously it's early.

[Nick]

I would. I would love for you to try to challenge yourself, to not see it the way you're internalizing it.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I understand that can be scary. I get it. But, like, your relationship with. With this guy is going to work out because of you guys. Build trust, you build communication. You can't guarantee how he is going to feel about you in a year. You can't guarantee that he's not going to break your heart or disappoint you. You can't guarantee that to him either. All you guys can do is keep working on, like, showing up for each other and working through, you know, these kind of things. And listen, there's a time and a place to hold him accountable or being like, yo, it's like, you know, there's people who've been dating people for five years without any progress. It's been nine months. If he buys a house, you Know, and a year goes by and he's still like, not. Then, you know, I would get a little antsy and. Yeah. You're 32. Right. You know, so do you want to have kids?

[Haley]

Of course.

[Nick]

Okay. And I imagine that's probably weighing on your head of. Of this creating some urgency. You're still pretty young and you have a good thing going with this guy, so try your best not to let things like, you know, I. I imagine, you know, biological, you know, just like your. Just the urgency around, like, I need. I need to make this work. And if it doesn't work at 30, you know, you've never been this old, so it feels old, you know?

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I imagine when you were 21, you thought at 32, you would already have what all. Whatever you want. You. You imagine you already thought you would have it.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

That is what's playing a role and why you want this so bad. None of it is going to help this relationship, you know, adding unnecessary pressure and just wanting it because, like, hey, I want you. It's like, because, you know, you've. You want him to do it because you've decided it will make you feel more secure today.

[Haley]

Yeah. Like commitment. More commitment.

[Nick]

You know, that you can move in with him and he can still break up.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

So it's not that hard to find a new apartment and hire a moving company. So what added security are you getting by convincing him to move in with you?

[Haley]

I guess none. The other piece that I think of is when you live with someone, you can find out pretty quickly if it has more compatibility.

[Nick]

Yeah, but that. Do you really think I'm imagining? You spend a lot of time with him. You sleep at his house.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Sleeps at yours. You're going to spend plenty of time with him. Again, I think that is something like this discussion between your boyfriend is a tale as all this time and many people have had it.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And so all your talking points, I would disagree. I don't think there's any insight you're gonna get from moving in with him that you can't get by having your own place and still, like, spending three or four nights a week there. You know, whatever weird habits he has or, you know, icks or whatever that you both have, you guys will fully be able to learn that about each other while dating.

[Haley]

Okay. I can accept that.

[Nick]

And yeah, like, relationships are scary and. But like, yeah, it's. There are just a lot of other things that you can focus your energy on to give you the security that you need. It's just you know, when it comes to your relationship, moving it. Making someone move in with you that isn't fully ready is definitely not the way.

[Haley]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nick]

You don't want to live with a guy who's kind of like, you know. And again, it sounds like he really likes you. And I. I like. Again, I. The reason I told you that story is because when I was having these fights with that girlfriend, I. I fully thought I was gonna end up with her. Big part of the reason we didn't end up together because I never felt like when she wanted something, she was gonna get it. Come hella higher water. That made me uncomfortable. You know, it made me uncomfortable that there was no reasoning. That it was just like, you know, and that honestly played a role in it. Like, it was the opposite. It had the opposite effect that she thought it was going to have. It is a false flag, so to speak of. Is it a false sense of security to get someone to agree to move in with you before they're ready and before you're engaged? I honestly, I think it would go a long way if you're just like, hey, I've been thinking about it. Obviously, I want to move in with you, but I totally get it. I honestly, I think I was just. I'm just. I really like you, and I just. I think I was. I was putting unnecessary pressure on what it meant to move in. But, like, I guess I just. I care more about us just, like, progressing our connection and having be able to work through these issues. I think that will go a long way if he buys this house. And I don't think he has to ask you to move in right away, but a year goes by, and it's still dragging his feet on engagement talk, talk or moving in. Then. Okay, then maybe then it would be fair to be like, well, what's next for us? You know? But it's eight months in. What's next for you is you guys still have a lot to learn about each other, you know, so be open to that and let him buy a house. And then when he buys a house, instead of immediately, you know, like, when do I get to move in without. Without taking over. Try to add value, you know, bring. Bring the. You know, help him. Help him make his new house feel like a home. Now, don't be pushy. Don't take over. Yeah, but help him and that help. Like when I bought my place. The way Natalie, like, you know, it's like, it's one thing to have an apartment and being your mid-30s and be like, I. Yeah, this. This. This feels like a guy lives here as a bachelor pad, you know, and to have that awareness, but, like, you know, you buy a house, and it feels kind of like you almost give yourself the ick to be like, okay, I'm an adult. I have a house. It should feel like a home. And Natalie made it feel like a home. And it was just so nice to have a woman's touch, you know? It was just. What you don't want to do is, like, don't take that. That opportunity away from both of you because you've. You.

[Haley]

You.

[Nick]

You grinded him down into saying yes because he didn't want to fight with you anymore.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And at this stage of your relationships, his reasons are valid.

[Haley]

Okay, well, that's good.

[Nick]

They don't. I don't think they're excuses. Is this helpful?

[Haley]

Yeah, it was.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Haley]

I. I'm super open. I'm definitely not going to pressure him to live with. Live, like, live together. So I appreciate the perspective, and I can see it. I'm not really on one side or the other. Like, I can see your side.

[Nick]

Yeah. Honestly, I think you're just probably in your head a little bit, you know?

[Haley]

Probably.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, you like a guy, you're 32. You're maybe in your head about, like, not being where you thought you would be early in your life, whatever, and you're just getting a little antsy and want to just. You want to know that this is going to be it. And I think there's that part of you that says, okay, well, let's see if he wants to move in with me, because that will make me feel more secure if he does. And I. I think that's a mistake on your part.

[Haley]

Okay. I can accept that.

[Nick]

It doesn't tell you anything. It just adds unnecessary stress if one of those people feels a little uncomfortable about the timing. And, you know, instead of thinking this way, just remember there are people out there who have been hanging out for eight months, and he won't even be, like, he won't even call him a boyfriend. He's like, you know, so you got that going. Like, you're doing okay. You're doing okay.

[Haley]

Okay.

[Nick]

Take a beat. I would. And find a way to communicate this to him that makes him feel like you guys came to this decision together and you appreciate the perspective, and obviously, you're still excited about the day that you guys do with each other. But, like, you. You. You acknowledge the points he's making.

[Haley]

Yeah, I can do that.

[Nick]

And you don't Always have to concede that. But, like, to. To whatever degree that he appreciates being heard, let him know that you heard him.

[Haley]

Okay, I can do that.

[Nick]

And then, you know, if a year goes by and you still, you know, we. Then we can. We can talk through it then and maybe think maybe things will change. But right now, just enjoy having a nice, solid relationship after eight months with a lot of possibilities. All right.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Haley]

We'll do that. Thank you.

[Nick]

All right. Take care. I appreciate you.

[Haley]

You, too. Thank you.

[Nick]

All right. All right. Bye.

[Jessica]

Bye.

[Nick]

We're always busy. Always busy. And I can't tell you how many days that we're just, like, you know, man, we didn't go to the grocery store, or we, like, we need to, like, get supplies for pizza. Instacart has been saving us so many nights. I can't even tell you. Like. Like, it's always, like, a pizza night, too. Like, we don't have pepperoni. We don't have mozzarella cheese. Well, we'll just go to Instacart. We'll select those items, and they bring it right to our house. Sometimes when you're winding down the day, the last thing you want to do is get in the car and go to the grocery store. Well, let Instacart do it for you. When the weather's finally nice, the last place you want to be is inside. Whether you're spending weekends at the park, the beach, or just in your own backyard, Instacart helps you protect your outdoor time. Set your preferences in the app once, and your shopper knows exactly what to grab. Your preferred brands, organic options, and specific produce choices so you get quality without any sacrifices. Honestly, the Instacart shoppers are always nice. They always want to make sure that you're getting the right thing. I mean, we use it multiple times a week. It's so wonderful. It connects you through thousands of stores across the United States, giving you time to focus back on what matters most. Your family getting outside, touching grass. Instacart helps take care of delivering the things you need with the quality you deserve so that you can take your free time and use it elsewhere. So today, if you are busy and you don't have time to run the store, do yourself a favor to go into the app store, download the Instacart app, and start shopping. Today, Instacart brings convenience, quality, and ease right to your door so you can focus on what matters most. Download the Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like. I'm Kiana And I leveled up my business with Shopify. Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business, but Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like I can't stop. I'm addicted. Start your free [e-mail]. how's it going?

[Charlie]

I'm good. My name is Charlie and I'm 30. I got dumped after agreeing to a lease extension. And I'm just kind of wondering who gets the dogs. How much kind of common courtesy do I give to this individual before I up and leave? Or should he leave kind of all over the place?

[Nick]

I love that you say you got dumped. That's what my first girlfriend in the sixth grade said to me.

[Charlie]

Is that weird? I guess. Yeah. I got broken up with.

[Nick]

That's fine. No, I'm just giving you a hard time. No, I like it. You're just like, you know, you sound angry, which is okay.

[Charlie]

There's a lot going on outside of that, so I feel like it's just. His thing is. So I lost my aunt two weeks ago, and then. That's okay. Sorry. And then my estranged dad, alcoholic dad, actually had a trip planned for last week as well, so it's been a lot, so. And then in the middle of all

[Nick]

of that, your estranged dad. What I didn't quite follow.

[Charlie]

Had a trip to come see me.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

I haven't seen him in five years.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Charlie]

And that was also in the middle of all this, so just a lot of emotions that.

[Nick]

Oh, sure, sure. But that still happened or was.

[Charlie]

Yes, yes.

[Nick]

How'd that go?

[Charlie]

Still came surprisingly well. I'm taking it as a sign that I don't have bandwidth, really, for anything else right now. But I thought I'd have that support system and I did not.

[Nick]

So why'd you guys break up?

[Charlie]

So we've had intimacy issues, I would say, for, like, the past year. I don't want to be tmi, but he has a massive. He's well endowed, so that has created some issues. It hurts. I bleed X, Y and Z. So I try to do all these things to figure out how we can kind of combat that. Because, you know, I love him and this is a relationship I want to be in. So I feel like it just kind of came to a head for him and I was unaware of how dire of an issue that is or was for him. And I feel like that just kind of added up. And then he also has fallen into a depression, I would say the last six months. And so I feel like everything for him is just heightened. And I feel like he's just pointing finger at the intimacy thing. And the breakup kind of came out of nowhere. Obviously, if we renewed our lease.

[Nick]

Okay, you sound like you're hopeful to possibly reconcile.

[Charlie]

We haven't discussed, but I don't think I want to.

[Nick]

You don't think you want to. Okay.

[Charlie]

But I feel guilty saying that.

[Nick]

Why?

[Charlie]

Because he's a good person and it's the best relationship I've been in. But. Sorry, I hate crying, but the kind of what I've dealt with the last six months with him, like, he's not my person. And there's just not. Like, he didn't check on me at the funeral. He didn't ask how I was doing when she actually passed, all that kind of stuff. So to me, that's not my person. So. And then I'm just thinking big picture, long term, different things. I don't think we're compatible at the end of the day, and I don't think we can give each other the love the other person needs.

[Nick]

Okay, well, I know you're sad about saying that, but this is, like, great news.

[Charlie]

Okay, I'll take that as a win.

[Nick]

I mean, like, you have some clarity.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, you have some clarity in a situation where a lot of people would struggle to have that clarity. Well, for one, he ended their relationship and it surprised you. And a lot of people in that position being rejected regardless of the situation would focus on the rejection part and just have to get back. And the fact that you have some clarity is very telling.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Nick]

I think.

[Charlie]

Okay, that's good.

[Nick]

Him ending the relationship at a time that feels really inconvenient for you, makes you feel alone right after you signed a lease, and it feels like it came out of nowhere. And yet you're kind of like, honestly, you know, is. Is really telling. I think it's really telling. I think it's. Yeah.

[Charlie]

I mean, it obviously took me. There was a little back and forth, and then once he finally did it, I was like, okay, I've kind of. I've done everything I can do, so I feel like I can walk away knowing I tried everything and I was making an effort, especially with the intimacy. Intimacy stuff. I'm weaning myself off a medication that impacts my libido. I'm going to therapy. I booked A boudoir shoot. Like, I'm in a libido class. Like, all these different things. So in regards to that, I've done what I've needed to do. So I feel like maybe that's why I have a little bit of that

[Nick]

clarity, just out of curiosity, like, the libido class and things like that. Why? What. What's that? Or originating from.

[Charlie]

Like, to me right now, sex is, like, not even a thought. Like, I don't even want. It's just never a thought. So I feel like him telling me, okay, if we don't work on this, like, his essential thing was, okay, I would like to work on this with you. I love you. Let's extend the lease, and that will be our timeline to work on things. Okay, cool. So I did. I signed up for all of these things, and then two weeks later, he

[Jessica]

broke up with me.

[Nick]

And just out of curiosity, is it like. And that's at tmi, not your comfort level, but it sounds like sex with him is incredibly painful, which, you know, makes sense why it's difficult for you. But. But are you saying that, like, in the interim, is it a lack of a desire of. Of thinking about sex in general or. Or just, like, having intimate moments with yourself or whatever? Or is it just, like, sex with him hurt? So I don't want to have sex.

[Charlie]

I think that's going on in the back of my mind. But to me, it's not even a thought. Like, I don't even want to masturbate. Like, nothing.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Charlie]

Because I'm assuming because of my antidepressants and all that it's just not okay.

[Nick]

Oh, okay.

[Charlie]

But it's not a him thing. And that's why I try to explain to him. But as a partner, that obviously has. How do you feel? Like, it's not you. So I get where he's coming from.

[Nick]

Sure.

[Charlie]

But it's not a him thing.

[Nick]

So there are some. You. You're taking some medication where the side effects are known to lower your libido.

[Charlie]

And he. Yes, and he and I discussed that before. He was a huge advocate for me going on them. I was against it in the beginning, so that's also frustrating.

[Nick]

Why was he a huge advocate for you to go on them?

[Charlie]

Just like I was in a very, very toxic job to where it was getting a little dark for me and I needed to help myself, and that was the next step. Since I do suffer from anxiety and depression, getting on those did help me a lot, but it was scary for me because I know side effects and this and that. But he was very gentle. If this is something you want to do all these things. So it is a little frustrating that now it's being used against me when we discuss this is a potential from the medicine.

[Nick]

Are you still in that job?

[Charlie]

No, I left in October.

[Jessica]

I.

[Charlie]

How'd it go?

[Nick]

What was the job? Out of curiosity.

[Charlie]

I'm a bartender in Nashville.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Charlie]

There's a lot of not good things going on and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore.

[Nick]

Good for you for getting out.

[Charlie]

Oh, yes.

[Nick]

Thank you. Ah. And what are you doing now?

[Charlie]

I bartend still. I'm trying to get into something else, but I might have a local bar that's night and day.

[Nick]

Okay. You feel good at least where you're at?

[Charlie]

So much better. I've created a routine.

[Nick]

Is that something you want to do forever or you want to do other things? Okay.

[Charlie]

I did take a course. Course in sales earlier this year, so I am actively applying for that again to build our future, trying to build wealth and all these things. And we six months ago, we're saving for a house. So I'm just trying to better my future. Obviously I'm getting older since I'm 30. I know I'm not old, but I am aging out of the industry and I don't want to have kids and come home at three in the morning. So I am trying to figure out a new career path for me.

[Nick]

Well, the good news is, is like, you know, bartending and waiting tables is a great side hustle and you can make some good money from it. As you know, sales makes a lot of sense because, you know, there's that waiting. It's a sales job in a way. Yeah. And you know, just a heads up, you know, depending on what you're looking for, sales wise, you may have to like be willing to grind. Improve yourself in an industry. But you do have this part. You know, you can. You can make some extra cash bartending. So there could be a period of time where you're capable of. Of doing both. Which is all to say, you might have less personal time for a short period of time.

[Charlie]

Yes.

[Nick]

What a perfect time to be single. Exactly. Well, back to your immediate question, like, who owns the dogs?

[Charlie]

He came into the relationship with one and then we got one together. But the one he came into the relationship with, he got with an ex girlfriend who. She was the one that pushed for the dog and they broke up a month after getting the dog. She pushed him and the dog out. So he gained the dog through that.

[Nick]

Does he want the dogs? Our dog? Do you know what he wants?

[Charlie]

Right after we had the initial conversation, I said, well, what are we going to do with the dogs? And he said, I don't think we should separate them. And in the moment, I agreed. And. And then he said, well, do you want them? And I said, yes. And he's like, okay, well, you can have them. And I feel like he's just rolling over because he's the one that did it, which I'm okay with, but I feel guilty. Do we separate them? Do I. The one we got together favors him. The one he came into the relationship with favors me. Do we do a clean cut? But that's technically his. I don't know. It's messy, I think. Okay.

[Nick]

Honestly, it could be a lot messier from what you're telling me.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Nick]

I mean, one. It sounds like he's offering the opportunity for you to have the dogs, but

[Charlie]

I feel like an asshole just being like I'm taking the dog.

[Nick]

Well, you're not saying that. He's literally giving you the out. My. My opinion.

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Nick]

And this is just an opinion. To me, the absolute thing that can't happen is like, some weird joint custody. And I. I. Yes. Like, we have two dogs, and we got Steve to be a companion for Jeff with River, and they. They clearly, you know, are with each other, but they were. They are dogs, and they will be. Okay. You can take them. The dog part, but you can. What you can't do is use the dogs as an excuse for you guys to have to see each other for the dogs.

[Charlie]

I mean, I agree.

[Nick]

The rest will work itself out, you know?

[Jessica]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

I don't want to do custody. I've seen people do it online. It doesn't work out. I think it's icky.

[Nick]

It's weird.

[Charlie]

They're not real kids.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

Yeah. We're not together. I don't want to see you. I don't want.

[Nick]

God forbid, when you meet someone else, and it's just like, we gotta give the dog. It's like, you know, like, I love my dogs, you know, but, like, I. If you're listening, you're doing that. God bless you. But it's. I don't. It's not. I don't. I've. It's. It's a real nightmare in terms of individuals trying to move forward with their lives.

[Charlie]

I needed you to tell me their dogs, and they'll be fine. Because I feel guilty. 1. I feel like he's gonna have no one if I take Both. I feel guilty if I separate them. Are they bonded? Are they this or that? I don't know. I think they'll recover. At the end of the day, they'd be okay. Is it rude if I take the one that he came into the relationship with?

[Nick]

You know, before you told me that he offered. I mean, the clean, you know, keep the dog. That's your dog, and he can take his dog. And if he's offering you to have both dogs, I think you just say, first of all, thank you. I mean, if that's what you want. If you would prefer to keep both dogs, be like, you know, thanks, but, like, I do think he needs to, like, I need you to just agree like this. Do you really want this? And I need you to decide sooner than later. Because once we decide, there's no going back. And I think you just need to make that clear. There's no, Like, I changed my mind, quite frankly. He should probably sign something, honestly.

[Charlie]

Yeah. Because they're both under him, so I need to also get that fixed because I don't want there to be a contentious.

[Nick]

Yeah. I don't know. Like, ultimately, like, you know, I don't think there's. I don't know how that works, but I'm guessing just. Honestly, just a piece of paper saying, I give her ownership of these dogs, and you both sign it.

[Charlie]

Okay. I like that.

[Nick]

You probably should have someone witness. I mean, again, like, I don't know about you how petty he is, and I don't know how much that would stand up in the court of law or whatever, but, like, it might just be enough to, like, just stop him from, I don't know, having a moment of messiness if he changes his mind.

[Charlie]

I agree. I just can't tell the level. He's a very nice person. So are you being nice? I don't want to take advantage of his niceness in the breakup, but it's also not my responsibility to feel bad for him.

[Nick]

Correct. But, you know, the middle ground is just to say thank you. I would like that. But, yeah, think about it for 24 hours. Like, I'm definitely taking Max, but if. If, if, if, if. If Sparky is your dog, it's. You have the right to keep them, and the dogs will be okay. But I need you to decide because, like, once we. I. I like, I just, like, I want this. I don't want this to be messy. I want us, you know, and, like, you probably should sign, you know, but, like, I don't. Like, in a month, you don't get to ask for him back.

[Charlie]

Yeah, Okay, I like that.

[Nick]

And so that way you're giving him a chance to think about it, you're giving him an out, you're checking in. But like, you just, you know, once a decision's made, you just, you know, you have a right to put your foot down to me. That's the middle ground. What about the apartment?

[Charlie]

So we have a two bedroom. Everything that is mine has been moved into the master. He is now in the guest room. So everything is separate, which is been super nice. Definitely was sad to see everything look different. So it just feels like a roommate situation. But I don't know. Do I have to say the duration of the lease? Like, do I. I've never lived with a partner before. I've never been broken up with living with a partner before. So I don't really know how to navigate. I don't want to leave them behind dry. I don't want to be here anymore. I just don't want to know what you're doing. Are you coming home?

[Nick]

Like, I don't break up. You don't have access. You both just have to figure it out. And it's not as complicated is it might feel or you want to believe it is. You know, you're in your closet now by the looks of it. It's some kind of like modern apartment complex, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's run by some kind of major apartment management company. They have definitely leased to couples who have broken up. My guess is if you guys just break the lease, there's probably some kind of two month fee or fine or I don't know, it will cost you guys, but I don't think it will be unaffordable. It will just be annoying.

[Charlie]

Should I have to pay?

[Nick]

No, you should split it.

[Charlie]

You think I should still have to pay even though I didn't.

[Nick]

I'm saying option one is you guys break the lease and you both move out.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Nick]

If there. Whatever that cost in terms of penalties because there will be a penalty. And my guess, it's like, I think it's like, I think it's your rent, but it's. There's a certain, like, I don't think it's like you have to rent for the rest of your lease. I don't think. I think you can give them notice and say, hey, we need to move out, need to break our lease. And they might like, and they have to like, they have to look for a replacement. And I think it might cost you a couple months of Rent. But look into it. I don't know the answers, but look into it. There's definitely a clear answer. And you might have to push back and there might be, like, renters have a lot more rights than leasers. But look into it. It's going to cost you. I imagine it won't be outrageous, but even if it is, then what? You know, can you afford it by yourself?

[Charlie]

Yes, but I don't want to stay and have the memories.

[Nick]

I get it. But you can get over it.

[Charlie]

That's fair.

[Nick]

You can change it up.

[Charlie]

Yeah, that's true.

[Nick]

I've done it. It's like, you get over it. I don't know. You just get over it.

[Charlie]

But do you think if we do break it, I should still have to pay a portion, even though I'm not the one that you.

[Nick]

You. You. You signed a lease together. You both made this. You made a decision together, assuming there was risk. You weren't married. He ended the relationship, by the way. You're kind of happy he did. Like, this is not the time. Like, what you want is to make this as easy as possible for the both of you and just figure it out. You have a sense of, like, I don't want. Like, I don't want to take advantage of them. I just want to do this right. So just as much as it makes sense, you just. You share the responsibility of this breakup together. If. If you felt very differently, then, you know, there's a world where I. I would still think that would probably be the right way to do, but emotionally, I would empathize that it might be hard for you to wrap your brain around. You know, it's just like, hey, I didn't think. I don't want this. And why do. I should be. Why should I split? I don't want this. But you're okay with this right now, this is about getting through this period of time as smooth as possible so that you both can be okay.

[Charlie]

Okay?

[Nick]

So you just need to sit down and be like, listen, let's just figure this out, and let's just make this easy on each other. And then you bring up the dogs, and you give them a chance to think about it, and then you just draw. Like, we should just. I want to make this as easy as possible on both of us. So, like, what do you want to do? Do you want to stay here? I would rather not stay here. I'm capable of staying here. You know, let's find out how much it would cost us to break. You know, if he's like, I'd rather stay here. I want to stay here. You can be like, great, then you keep the place. I'll find a new one. I. Let's just. I need you to sign over, you know, like, I need you to take full risk, you know, like the lease again. You're definitely not the first couple to rent an apartment to break up.

[Jessica]

No.

[Nick]

So, yeah, I just think you try to be as civil as possible, but. But act fast. Stop. You know, don't do the thing that seems like you're kind of doing where you guys are just kind of living in this limbo because it just. It feels too difficult to deal with right now. And you don't know, like, you know, you know it's going to cost you to break the lease and, you know, it's just like in the year, I might have to split up the dot, you know, it's just. Just get it done with.

[Charlie]

Need to rip off the band aid because it's uncomfortable.

[Nick]

Yeah. Do you think he's going to change his mind when you start acting kind of okay with this?

[Charlie]

I do think so because I haven't shown him that I'm okay with it. The only thing he's seen or heard have been, like, the breakdowns and stuff, which obviously, with everything going on in the loss that's going to happen, but I do think he doesn't, like, feel the breakup yet. He hasn't had to buy any of his own basic things yet. He hasn't had to buy food yet. Like, I overstocked right before this happened, so I feel like when the dust settles, he's alone. He will try to maybe reach back out. And I don't. I don't want back and forth. I'm a clean cut. We're. If we're done, we're done.

[Nick]

Okay, well, then you just. You just have to, you know, unless that'll be difficult and he'll be okay. I don't, you know, he'll be okay.

[Charlie]

I just feel bad. I feel like. Because he's so depressed, he hates his job, his friends don't reach out. It's like you're taking the one consistent thing away. I just feel bad.

[Nick]

It'll be okay.

[Jessica]

I don't.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Nick]

Yeah. I don't want to sound like an. You know, but like, listen, like, life is.

[Charlie]

That's why I called.

[Nick]

Life is. He's got to figure his out, you know, I don't know. You know, you had a bad job. It really brought you down. You figured it out. You know, life brings us some things that are unexpected and you just kind of have to figure it out. You're not going to save. You're not brought on this world to save him. And you can't save him. And, and you can't. You can add value to his life if you guys chose to still be in this relationship. But he's got to figure his out. He's got to deal with whatever mental health struggles he has. I don't know what he's doing about it, you know. You know, does he. In therapy, is he doing nothing? You know, sounds like there's things he could be doing that he's not doing.

[Charlie]

He's very anti.

[Nick]

That's his responsibility. He could look for a new job. He could seek therapy. There's, you know, medication in the right situations could be a thing. You know, sometimes, you know, does he. Is he working out even? You know, like, honestly, exercise is a, Is a.

[Charlie]

He has all these things he said throughout the relationship. He wants to. He wants to start going back to the gym, he wants to go out with his friends, he wants to go out after dinner. Now he's doing all of that.

[Nick]

That.

[Charlie]

Except for the gym. But why didn't you do that when we were together? I didn't stop you. I wanted you to go do that. He was up my ass so much I wanted him to go out and.

[Nick]

Yeah, well, listen, that's in the past. And you, you know, if to me

[Charlie]

that's telling me he's okay, he.

[Nick]

Listen, he's going to be okay.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Nick]

I don't know when. Yeah, but even if he's not okay, it's not your, it's not your responsibility. While you were together, you tried to be helpful and, you know, and you did your part as his partner, but, you know, relationships do end. It's relatively mutual. And even if he changes his mind, you have the, you know, you have the right to live your life and be happy. And I get it. When you're down bad, it's easy to pile on yourself. You have to get through it. That's why they say through it, you don't get around it. You don't get over it. You don't get under it. You get through it. And he's got to figure his shit out because. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, despite him going through this, he is a capable adult, right?

[Charlie]

Yes. Yes.

[Nick]

You know, he's not very capable. He's not to the point of. Needs to be institutionalized because he's so helpless.

[Charlie]

No, he will be just fine. I just have A lot of guilt being okay with it, and I need to get over that.

[Nick]

I would. You should feel relief.

[Charlie]

I don't know why I don't. And I don't know if it's. Maybe I will post this conversation.

[Nick]

I mean, how long ago did you guys break up?

[Charlie]

Two weeks ago.

[Nick]

Okay, so this is really raw. So, like, give yourself a little grace here.

[Charlie]

Okay. Yeah. It's just super hard to navigate, and

[Nick]

your feelings may change and fluctuate. I do think the fact that you can feel the way you do in this moment is very telling because, like, just, just. I just think the average person who is rejected in this situation would be prone to fight for something they probably shouldn't fight for. And I spend a lot of time talking to people who do. You know, my first caller today, it was just like, I'm just trying to get her to be like, you don't need this shit in your life. We talked about all the reasons that are pulling her to fight for something that might not be worth fighting for. And that's true. Like, we've. We. It's. We all do that. Right. But the fact that you're, like, you had a moment of clarity in a time where you would be prone to, you know, I was fully expecting to be like, all right, like, to have to convince you that maybe this is for the best. And I didn't. You know, you were like, I already. I think this is for the best.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And again, you. A week from now, you might have second thoughts and be sad and, And. But in this moment, the fact that you have the clarity that you have is I, I, you know, I think it's telling, and I think it's important that you. You trust that feeling that you have.

[Charlie]

Do you want to hang on to that? Because I do think, even to me, it doesn't feel real. I'm still in the space. Nothing really has changed. So I do think it will hit me when I'm out. But I do agree, if I'm already here in this amount of time, that's huge. But I just. Yeah, I'm just over the.

[Nick]

I think this weekend you should have the uncomfortable conversation to say, hey, listen, let's figure out our next steps. You know, something maybe sweet, where it's just, like, I know we really care about each other, and I'm really, really grateful that in this moment, I still feel that with each other. And I'm glad that this isn't gotten hurtful or spiteful or ugly. Just, like, if nothing else, I just, I know we're gonna have a positive memory. We may not be right for each other, and that's sad, but I am grateful we both feel sad about it, and I just. I am. I just want to thank you for making this. You know, doing your part to make this is. Is less painful. Don't use the word easy. Less painful. Less painful. But we do need to figure this out. So, like, what do you want to do? And if more than anything, let's agree that we just need to share in the responsibility of figuring this out, so we should share in the costs. But what do you want again? And you just say, I'd rather not be here, but I can be here. If you really don't want to. But if you want to be here, I'm happy to leave. I think we can agree that, like, doing the roommate thing sucks.

[Charlie]

Yeah, it's. Not.

[Nick]

Again, I'd love the dogs. I want that, but I want to make sure that you are actually okay with it. And I don't want, you know, but I. And what I. And I hope we can agree that we don't, like, the joint custody thing is off the table. It's. Neither of us want that. I would prefer to have them both, but. But you let me know and maybe give it a day to think about it. But once you agree, I think you have to say the thing where, like, but if you do let me have them, you know, that's it. You know, I'm gonna ask you to, like, actually give me the rights to them.

[Charlie]

This is a lot.

[Nick]

You have to just try to be as mature as possible.

[Charlie]

It hasn't gotten petty, and I don't want it to. And I agree with everything you're saying

[Nick]

because, yeah, I mean, honestly, like, I don't. Like, if. I don't want to assume your financial situation, but let's say it cost you 6,000, $8,000 to break your lease. And let's say he gets petty, and it's just like, I don't want. You know, well, then one, you could just stay there, because rather than losing eight grand, you're just gonna stay here and handle it. And then you get a roommate eventually, if you wanted to, you don't have to. You know, it's nice to live by yourself sometimes. But, yeah, you'll. You'll just. You'll figure it out. Just like, you seem flexible enough that whatever. However. If. However he decides or how he ever responds, even if he gets petty, you can still. You have some options. Because if he's like, well, I don't Think I should split it with you? All right, fine. I'll stay. Or you stay. I don't know. You just let me know. I don't. I really don't care. But if we both want to leave, I'm happy to split the cost with you.

[Charlie]

And stuff we bought together gets split because he's already starting to ask, and

[Nick]

I'm like, well, like, what?

[Charlie]

It's. He's worried about the little stuff, like the comforter. Well, who gets the comforter? Like.

[Nick]

Well, I really let him have all that. All of it.

[Charlie]

Again, the guilt is coming in. I made significantly more, so I bought more. I feel bad basically leaving him empty.

[Nick]

But that's not your problem. I would take advantage of the reason. Whatever reasonable this. He brings to this conversation. Okay, you seem like you're being. It seems like you're being willing to be more than reasonable. It seems like you're even willing to be too reasonable. Too reasonable. But that's not even a bad thing, because if he does get petty, you seem to be in a position to be like, it. I don't care. It's just a dresser. It's not worth it. And that's kind of my point. Like a cup, you know, if this. As long as this doesn't, like, set you back, I don't know your financial situation, but, like, something that can. That is the. You know, I don't get to take a trip to Mexico because I had to pay for this. It'll just deal with it, get through it, get over it, take your losses, and just move on with your life, you know?

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Nick]

And if you have to buy another bed frame or a dresser, we got a couple codes for you, you know, like, see it as, like, head. Honestly, like, like, fresh start, fresh stuff.

[Charlie]

Okay, I like that.

[Nick]

You know, but if he lets you have the stuff that you paid for, because he should then take advantage.

[Charlie]

Okay, I struggle with the take advantage words, and I think I need to shift.

[Nick]

Take advantage of his reasonableness.

[Charlie]

Yeah, I agree. I need. Yeah, I need to stop being.

[Nick]

You're not taking advantage of him.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And he, you know, he should buy his own. I don't know. Like, you're not as well.

[Charlie]

You don't get girlfriend perks when you don't have a girlfriend.

[Nick]

Yeah, but whatever. But if, you know, if you're in a position to be like, all right, fine, It. If you really want it, take it. I don't care.

[Charlie]

Okay, I can do that.

[Nick]

You want this to be just. Just rip the bandit off.

[Charlie]

Yes, I'm ready.

[Nick]

Figure it out and in my own space and to. Whatever. You need to just act sad.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Nick]

You know, act sad so that he. That he feels like this isn't weirdly too easy.

[Charlie]

I'm not.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

Jumping for joy.

[Haley]

Okay.

[Nick]

Well, I mean, again, you will be sad. Like. But, like, just totally. You want to be careful about, like, it's a small. You want to do this because it's too hard to do this.

[Charlie]

Yes.

[Nick]

You know, you want to do that because you want. It's too hard to do this. So that's the focus. Like, I. You know, this sucks for both of us. Can we just figure this out? Because I don't want to keep just living it. We both are both living in this purgatory, and I really. I'm so grateful that right now we're not at each other's throats, and I want to. That's what I want to preserve.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Nick]

I don't. I don't want any, like, unnecessary ugliness. I'm so grateful. Neither of us are being petty. Let's just figure it out. What do you want? How. You know. And, you know, I'm. I'm willing to be, like, fair and reasonable and just go from there.

[Charlie]

Okay. It's gonna be a fun weekend.

[Nick]

It'll be fine. Be fun.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Nick]

But, yeah, have the conversation. Don't delay it any longer. You're not a bad guy. You're not. You know, you're just. It's. He's gonna be okay.

[Charlie]

Well, thank you. I appreciate all this. It's very insightful.

[Nick]

I. Well, I hope so. I don't know if it's that insightful, but it's. You're going through a tough time, but you just need some. You just need a little bit of reassurance. You're. You're. You're doing all the things, you know.

[Charlie]

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

[Nick]

You know, maybe you just needed a little reminder that you're.

[Charlie]

I did. And just. Yeah. Just because the timing's not ideal, I'm gonna get through it. It's fine.

[Nick]

There's no good time for a bad situation.

[Haley]

There's.

[Nick]

And, yeah, honestly, it's more ideal than you might think. You know, you feel you're kind of in this, you know, transitional period of your life and your career. This is going to give you more time to focus on that. You know, right now you're taking libido classes and. And all this other. And maybe you still want to do that, but now you're doing it for yourself without this kind of complicated thing of. Am I doing it because my boyfriend's dick is too big. I don't know. Or this medication. You might, you know, weaning off this medication immediately. You might get a little horny and all of a sudden you're like, I don't need to take this class. And again, like, it's just going to free up some of your energy to be f. More focused on what, you know, you really need. Then that to degree seems like a really good time.

[Charlie]

That's a huge positive.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Nick]

There's always going to be things that are inconvenient.

[Charlie]

Yeah. That's fair. Okay. I'll change my perspective on that.

[Nick]

Good luck.

[Charlie]

Well, as. Thank you so much. I will fill you guys in with any updates.

[Nick]

Definitely. Please keep us updated. I'm. I'm expecting an update. This is update. Yeah.

[Charlie]

Okay. Please give my love to Natalie for her loss as someone going through it. Oh, yeah. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate you.

[Nick]

Thank you very much.

[Charlie]

Thank you.

[Jessica]

Bye.

[Nick]

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