E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Viall Files – Episode E834 "Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Viall Files
• Host: Nick Viall
• Description: The Viall Files delve into dating, relationships, pop culture, and reality television. Hosted by Nick Viall alongside Natalie Joy and the Household, the podcast offers heartfelt advice, lively reality TV recaps, and in-depth celebrity interviews. Episodes air daily with distinct segments for various topics.

Episode Overview: In Episode E834 of The Viall Files, titled "Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend," listeners call in with personal relationship dilemmas. This episode features two main segments: one with Anna discussing lingering issues from her husband's infidelity during her pregnancy, and another with Andy Mitchell navigating tensions with his girlfriend’s sister. Nick Viall provides insightful advice aimed at fostering better communication and resolving deep-seated emotional conflicts.

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Segment 1: Anna – "I Blocked My Best Friend"

Caller Background: Anna, a 35-year-old listener, shares her struggle with forgiving her husband after he emotionally cheated on her during her pregnancy five years ago. Despite choosing to forgive him and investing in marriage counseling, Anna finds it challenging to move forward fully.

Key Discussion Points:

• Discovery of Infidelity: Anna discovered her husband's affair through his phone connected to her MacBook and later through phone records on their shared mobile plan.

  • "[02:30] Nick Viall: Anna explains, 'All I know is it was an emotional affair. I have never gotten the full outline.'”

• Impact on Marriage: The affair occurred during a tumultuous pregnancy, exacerbating Anna's emotional state and leading to ongoing trust issues despite therapy.

  • "[07:17] Anna: 'Well, I guess just like when you live in a toxic relationship, your children pick that up, you know?'"

• Recent Trigger: Anna received a message from her husband's former emotional partner four years later, reigniting old wounds and triggering feelings of betrayal.

  • "[09:23] Nick Viall: 'What did she say?' Anna responds, 'She just like, made a joke... about the co-pilot not being as much fun.'”

• Current Relationship Dynamics: Anna and her husband appear to have a stable life with two children, but underlying issues persist, manifesting in intense arguments and unresolved pain from the past.

  • "[12:22] Nick Viall: 'So this is happening right now. When you guys fight, there's some big blowups.'"

Notable Quotes:

• Anna (04:04): “I was a troll. And so, yeah, I kind of just obviously, he fell into it.”
• Nick Viall (14:07): “Do you have has to live with this truth. He has to live with the fact that for the rest of your relationship, it may come up at times where he finds it to be unfair or inconvenient, but it's also unfair to you that you have to live with this for the rest of your life.”

Advice Provided: Nick emphasizes the importance of mutual acknowledgment of past hurts and creating a safe space for ongoing discussions about triggers. He advises Anna to communicate her lingering pain without making her husband feel attacked, suggesting that genuine empathy and occasional acknowledgments of the past can aid in healing.

Anna’s Response: Anna agrees with Nick's assessment and expresses a willingness to initiate the necessary conversations with her husband to address the unresolved issues and rebuild their emotional connection.

• "[39:51] Nick Viall: So you guys are both, in your own way, trying to just be like, we have a new life. That's so in the past... you are both telling yourself the same narrative, which is like, we're good now."

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Segment 2: Andy Mitchell – "Handling My Girlfriend's Sister Who Hates Me"

Caller Background: Andy Mitchell, a 34-year-old listener, seeks advice on managing his girlfriend’s sister’s animosity towards him. The tension stems from Andy’s candid remarks about the family's dog and his decision to teach his girlfriend’s four-year-old daughter the word "lesbian," which the sister found offensive.

Key Discussion Points:

• Sources of Conflict:

  • Dog Comments: Andy made remarks about the family dog, which is a recurring point of contention.
    • "[55:04] Andy Mitchell: ...I said that your mom's dog sucked. And she said it was a personal attack on her.”
  • Teaching "Lesbian": Andy taught the word to his girlfriend’s daughter, leading to emotional backlash from the sister.
    • "[56:18] Nick Viall: ...you taught the child, your girlfriend has a four-year-old daughter. You taught her the word lesbian."

• Impact on Relationships:

  • The negative feedback from the sister is straining Andy’s relationship with his girlfriend, who is deeply connected to her sister.
  • Upcoming family trip to Disney World heightens Andy's anxiety about potential confrontations.
    • "[66:45] Andy Mitchell: ...we leave in a few days for Disney World... I'm worried that I'm gonna say something and her sister's gonna get set off and finally confront me in person."

• Communication Barriers: Andy feels that his girlfriend avoids confrontations and is hesitant to address her sister's behavior directly, leaving Andy to bear the brunt of the conflict.

  • "[67:56] Andy Mitchell: No, I don't really mind it."

Notable Quotes:

• Andy Mitchell (55:10): “It's... a running thing, that he's a puppy, he's not trained, he doesn't get enough exercise.”
• Nick Viall (80:23): “You need to work through that. This isn't easy... Sometimes family is annoying and unfair.”

Advice Provided: Nick advises that Andy and his girlfriend need to present a united front in addressing the sister’s behavior. He emphasizes the necessity for the girlfriend to set clear boundaries and communicate expectations to her sister, ensuring that Andy is supported. Nick also encourages Andy to practice humility and prioritize the health of his relationship over being right, suggesting proactive communication and conflict resolution strategies.

Andy’s Response: Andy acknowledges the advice and expresses a commitment to improving his communication with both his girlfriend and her sister. He recognizes the need to address his own confrontational tendencies and work collaboratively with his girlfriend to foster a harmonious family dynamic.

• "[83:14] Andy Mitchell: Yeah. I think so. A little bit. I mean, she's been good, but she could take another step or two up."

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Conclusion: In this episode of The Viall Files, Nick Viall adeptly navigates two complex relationship issues brought forth by listeners Anna and Andy. Through empathetic listening and practical advice, Nick highlights the critical roles of communication, mutual acknowledgment, and boundary-setting in healing and maintaining healthy relationships. Both callers are encouraged to engage in open dialogues with their partners to address and resolve lingering conflicts, emphasizing that proactive and compassionate communication is key to overcoming relational challenges.

Notable Quotes Highlighted:

• Anna (14:44): “... you have to acknowledge that, like, while you're happy... but it's still a very sensitive and triggering event for you.”
• Andy (97:08): “... Just the confrontation. I don't love that.”

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Takeaways:

• For Anna: Continual communication and occasional acknowledgments of past hurts can facilitate emotional healing and strengthen marital bonds.
• For Andy: Establishing a unified approach with his girlfriend and practicing humility in confrontational situations can improve familial relationships and reduce personal stress.

Final Thought: Whether grappling with infidelity or strained family dynamics, The Viall Files underscores the importance of empathy, open communication, and mutual support in navigating the intricate landscape of personal relationships.

Transcript

[Nick Viall]

After investing billions to light up our network, T Mobile is America's largest 5G network. Plus right now you can switch keep your phone and we'll pay it off up to $800. See how you can save on every plan versus Verizon and AT&T. @t mobile.com Keep and switch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlocked device credit service ported 90 plus days with device ineligible carrier and timely redemption required. Card has no cash access and expires in six months. Hey, moms. Looking for some lighthearted guidance on this crazy journey we call parenting? Join me, Sabrina Kohlberg, and me, Andy Mitchell, for Pop Culture Moms, where each week we talk about what we're watching.

[Anna]

And examine our favorite pop culture moms up close to try to pick up.

[Nick Viall]

Some parenting hacks along the way. Come laugh, learn, and grow with us as we look for the best tips.

[Anna]

And maybe a few what not to.

[Nick Viall]

Dos from our favorite fictional moms from Good Morning America and ABC Audio.

[Anna]

Pop Culture Moms. Find it wherever you get your podcasts.

[Nick Viall]

You're crazy. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the VAL Files. Ask Nick Edition. Well, we are super excited to get to our calls because they are wild, outrageous, and fascinating. But before we do, don't forget to send in your questions to ask nick vowelfiles.com. all right, it's time for caller number.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

One question time with me.

[Nick Viall]

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

[Anna]

I'm good. How are you?

[Nick Viall]

Good. What's your name?

[Anna]

My name is Anna and I am 35 years old.

[Nick Viall]

How can we help, Anna?

[Anna]

Well, so my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant about five years ago. And while I chose to forgive him, I'm having a hard time moving on.

[Nick Viall]

Okay, is there any context you want to provide regarding the affair? I knew, and I know it was five years ago, but whatever you want to do. But, like, give me the Cliff notes of the affair, so to speak, and then what happened? I guess, you know what led to your decision to ultimately forgive him and try to work through this betrayal?

[Anna]

All I know is it was an emotional affair. I have never gotten the full outline.

[Nick Viall]

Why not?

[Anna]

Well, I mean, he. I know what he tells me, which he says that it was just emotional, it wasn't physical. And I mean, we've done endless marriage counseling. Endless. Like we're therapy king and queens over here. And it was emotional. You know, in therapy, he confirmed it was emotional. So I only have that, and I Only have the evidence that I have. I don't have, you know, like, video of it, obviously. I just have text messages and that kind of stuff. So it was five years ago. But the problem was I was newly pregnant when it started, and I did not handle pregnancy well at all. I was a troll. And so, yeah, it kind of just obviously, he fell into it. It lasted a really long time. You know, just lie after lie after lie.

[Nick Viall]

Oh, how'd you find out?

[Anna]

So, you know, I'm on AN I. A MacBook, and he obviously had his phone, iPhone, connected to the MacBook.

[Nick Viall]

So the classic you were on the iPad type of thing. Yeah, yeah, okay.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Exactly.

[Nick Viall]

All right.

[Anna]

And then also, at the time, he was on my phone plan. So with that, you get the records.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

So. And when you say you were pregnant, you were a troll. What do you mean by that?

[Anna]

Like, I mean, I just. I wasn't good pregnant either. Pregnancies, I just. I. My emotions, my hormones. I mean, I know it happens to every pregnant person, but I just, like, completely was not myself.

[Nick Viall]

Are you, like, suggesting, like, you were just kind of mean to him? Are you saying that? Yeah. Okay. Not.

[Anna]

Not mean. I'm not a mean person. But, like, you. You just. You don't have patience. You're not sleeping.

[Nick Viall]

You were more reactive than you feel like you normally are, and he got the brunt of it kind of thing.

[Anna]

Gotcha, Punching.

[Nick Viall]

Gotcha.

[Anna]

Okay, totally.

[Nick Viall]

So you found out through the Mac, right? And then you said it was going on for a while. What do you, like, did it contain, like, how long into your pregnancy did you find this out?

[Anna]

Pretty soon. I would say maybe, like three months in.

[Nick Viall]

And then you confronted him?

[Anna]

Yes, and then I can. Yeah, and then I confronted them. When people say peaks and valleys, like, this was more like outer space in the earth's core. Like, it was, you know, earth shattering. But, yeah, I confronted them. We immediately went to therapy, and it was the classic game of, you know, don't worry, it's over. I've stopped communication. And then, you know, I would just keep finding things.

[Nick Viall]

When you said you kept finding things, does that mean, like, you just.

[Anna]

That communication wasn't over?

[Nick Viall]

Oh, I see. So after you caught him, he still kept talking to this person?

[Anna]

Yeah, it went on for probably about, well, basically the entire pregnancy. And then maybe a year. She was about a year.

[Nick Viall]

Ooh, okay.

[Anna]

And, yeah, and then we obviously worked through that, and then.

[Nick Viall]

But the whole. Your whole pregnancy, he claimed to be done with it, and you kept finding out that he wasn't.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. And then what was he. Yeah. And then I guess every time you. I guess, found out he was lying. What happened?

[Anna]

Yeah, it was terrible. It was like a wild storm, you know, Like, I would go for the jugular, obviously.

[Nick Viall]

Well, I don't. I don't. I don't care how you handled it right now. I mean, within reason. Yeah, you said both times. Have you. You have two kids?

[Anna]

I do.

[Nick Viall]

Did this happen the first or the second pregnancy?

[Anna]

The first.

[Nick Viall]

The first. Okay. And then the second pregnancy, as far as, you know.

[Anna]

So anyways, flash forward to now. You know, five years ago. We have a great marriage. I mean, like, we have a beautiful property. You know, he has his own business. He keeps us afloat. I'm stay at home with the kids. It was a great second pregnancy.

[Nick Viall]

What? You're obviously getting emotional. Why is. I mean, without the obvious question, but this was five years ago, so. And you're speaking about this. It's. Quite honestly, it was like, maybe five months ago. Why is this so triggering for you?

[Anna]

Well, I guess just like when you live in a toxic relationship, your children pick that up, you know? And so I'm just, like, trying to figure out what way to go. Because, like, when we fight now, like, I. I have this, like, sense of, like, power feeling where I feel like I'm owed, like, every fight, he should have to bow down to me.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah.

[Anna]

And I know that's not okay. And I mean, like, honestly, Nick, we've gone through so much counseling, and your advice is substantially better than all of our therapists.

[Nick Viall]

Well, it's generous of you to say you've had multiple therapists. Yeah. Just out of curiosity, and this is not to shrug my ego, but I'm genuinely curious. What is something that you heard from our show that you found very helpful that you wish you would have heard in therapy or something you've heard in therapy that you found to be almost unhelpful? You know what I'm saying? I am curious.

[Anna]

I just think your complete outlook on, like, you see bullshit as bullshit and, you know, just kind of how to redirect. And in my case, I think I just need a little redirection. Like, you are able to kind of redirect people to, you know, from self sabotaging.

[Nick Viall]

Sure.

[Anna]

You know, and kind of re. You're just. You're very real.

[Nick Viall]

Okay, well, I appreciate you saying. I'm just getting the sense from you. If the conversation were to stop right now and I had to make a guess about why you're feeling the way you're feeling it comes down to deep down, you're still not sure if you know the entire truth.

[Anna]

Yes, and she has. A few months ago, she reached back out. She's blocked on his phone. But again, I was on the MacBook and I. I don't know why or how, but blocked, yes, can still come through.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah.

[Anna]

So I saw the message of her, you know, reaching back out.

[Nick Viall]

What did she say?

[Anna]

She just like, made a joke. She must have seen us driving or something. And she was kind of just like, oh, I bet that co pilot isn't as much fun.

[Nick Viall]

How did you address it with your husband?

[Anna]

Honestly, I knew she was blocked. This is also the thing is, like, we have full communication trust. Like we have each other's passwords. You know, we both aren't active on social media. We're just so open now. It's not an issue now that I don't trust. So when she messaged again, I asked permission to respond off of his phone and I just like, I responded to her and that was kind of that.

[Nick Viall]

What'd you say?

[Anna]

You know, that your message got through, that you're blocked on all platforms. I said, does your partner, because she also has children. So I just said, does your partner know that you're still reaching out, you need therapy, and you need therapy for your kids.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. Did she respond?

[Anna]

No, I got you.

[Nick Viall]

What did your husband say to this? How did he react to her reaching out?

[Anna]

Oh, he was. He was. He let me do my thing. Like, he was totally fine with it.

[Nick Viall]

No, no, I know that, but I'm curious, how did he. If I'm you, I would be curious about his body language at this point, so many years later. Assuming there's been healing, assuming that there is genuine regret for his actions, assuming there's some clarity in terms of why he did what he did, when he did it. I would hope to see frustration on his end. Anger almost. Like, I would hope that he would almost be triggered by this. And then I would hope that he would be ultra empathetic to you and check in with you and make sure. Hey, how are you doing? Is this, Are you okay with this? Very, very attentive to your emotional needs and feelings and a kind of self awareness of what this, of her reaching out could do. And did you feel taken care of by him in this moment, emotionally, when she reached out, you know?

[Anna]

Yes, I did.

[Nick Viall]

Okay, all right. That's a good sign.

[Anna]

Totally. But the one. One of our issues is when there's a dust up in the home, we're very Big on, you know, if our child does happen to hear or see an argument, we like to show the resolution side of it so that they know how, you know how to resolve. But again, our. Our arguments now are not just like surface level arguments. They're like, like I said, like, there's peaks and valleys. These are like outer space to earth core.

[Nick Viall]

So this is happening right now. When you guys fight, there's some big blowups.

[Anna]

Totally.

[Nick Viall]

And are the big blow ups coming from both parties or are they coming from you?

[Anna]

I want to say both parties, but I feel like I'm probably the root.

[Nick Viall]

Okay, where do you just. If you had to guess, where do you think that's coming from?

[Anna]

Honestly, just what happened? Like, when we fight, I feel like I'm owed this. Like, I'm just. I'm owed the win, you know?

[Nick Viall]

Sure. Well, it's human. What are you guys fighting about?

[Anna]

The everyday stuff. Like, the everyday stuff. The who. Who does more? You know, I am a mom at home. He's out in the work industry. You know, our therapist would always say, like, we're shooting at the same net. It doesn't matter how many goals each party scores. So that kind of stuff. And then obviously I'm still hung up, so I escalated.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Anna]

And I guess I'm just, like, worried that, like, what we've salvaged, like, if I'll blow that up.

[Nick Viall]

Let's not just.

[Anna]

I'm a mom and I'm a mess.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. Listen, I guess all. Everything you're feeling is normal. So there's that. Right? I mean. Yeah. So right now, and like, I am struggling to understand where you're coming from and just bear with me just because maybe I'm just not hearing. Is this like, you keep reiterating how healthy your relationship is?

[Anna]

Yes, kind of.

[Nick Viall]

But your everything, your body language, and obviously your state of mind right now is suggesting that it's not as healthy as you want to believe it is.

[Anna]

Totally. So basically, I just. I'm, you know, I need a guy's perspective of, like, if I can't move past the past.

[Nick Viall]

Which part are you having the hardest time moving past from? What's your confidence level that you know the whole truth of what happened?

[Anna]

Oh, I am not confident. But, like, I feel like more of what is hard to move past is like, a woman never, you know, forgets how their partner treated them during pregnancy and into postpartum. Like, you just never forget that.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. And do you. And I guess on some level, you feel like you haven't gotten what you deserved in terms of.

[Anna]

Yeah, just.

[Nick Viall]

I don't want to say compensation, because I don't feel like that's even what you're looking for, but, like, true regret on his part, maybe. Like, why does he. Like, if I were. If he were on this call today, what would. What do you think he would say to me, asking, how could you possibly keep this going throughout the pregnancy after you got caught? Why did you need to do that?

[Anna]

I think he would probably just try to justify it still, you know, it's.

[Nick Viall]

He would.

[Anna]

Yeah, I do.

[Nick Viall]

What is your understanding through therapy in terms of why he did what he did?

[Anna]

My understanding is that, like, obviously there was needs that weren't being met on both parts. We were kind of. I mean, we've been together for so long, like, we're going on 10 years, so it was kind of just like one of those, like, lapsed in judgments. And, you know, I was.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah, I don't know. But I don't buy that, though. Like, a lapse in judgment is like, hey, I did a work trip. Things got a little out of hand. We got drunk, we went to a strip show, a strip joint. And I'm really sorry. I'm disgusted with my behavior, but I got a hand job from a stripper. That's. That's a moment of weakness. Like, that is like, hey, everyone's human. And I'm not saying that's a normal behavior. And I'm not saying if that happened for anyone listening, people need to forgive. But, like, I am saying that, like, sure, it's just like, all right, I guess, like, I guess things got out of hand. Alcohol was involved, people were doing drugs. But this is a behavior that even after he got caught, even after seeing the pain in your eyes and in your body and saying, my wife is pregnant, like, that he got the wake up call and still did it. You know what I'm saying? And so in that moment, he didn't give a fuck about your emotional wellbeing or your relationship. And then you are grappled with the pain of knowing that ultimately he didn't give a fuck. He didn't care. You know, he didn't care about you, the baby, or, I mean, just even the. I mean, God, the selfishness that comes from his actions while you're pregnant is second to none. And I think you need to understand why he did what he did not. And I don't like Les. Yes, everyone's human. You guys were together for 10 years. I understand, like, you know, as humans, just because you've been together for 10 years. You don't like. You may. You may be married to this guy. You find other men attractive. I'm sure you looked. I'm sure you've thought. I'm sure you fantasize. I'm sure he does, too. Everyone's human, you know, like so. But that's not an excuse to cheat. Even if you were like, yeah, I didn't sleep with him for, like, six months. Again, I can understand why he's not getting his needs met, but there's other ways of addressing your needs not getting met that don't require what he did. And then again, like, his emotional needs. Like, I know, I understand. You called yourself a troll while pregnant, but at the same time, you're referring to physical needs. So back to why you're having a hard time fully believing the story. If his argument is, my needs were being met and you're aware that his sexual needs were being met, then his, like, his story isn't adding up, so to speak. But more importantly, I want to understand why he did what he did in terms of why he chose to, in that moment, not consider your needs, his child's needs. Why he still needed to reach out to this person. Like, what in his life was he having a hard time dealing with? What about his past? His childhood made it possible for him to act out in a way that anyone listening would be like, what a piece of shit.

[Anna]

Yeah, I completely agree with you. I think for him, and obviously I'm not trying to defend him. He. He has tried to take ownership not the way that I needed it, but essentially because of who the affair was with. I mean, she worked with the company, so the reason why it lasted so long is that, like, they were always having to be together. Christmas parties.

[Nick Viall]

Like they said, he owns his own business now. Yeah. So he left that company now.

[Anna]

Yes, now. So he left. He left that. So, like, all the steps, it feels like, have been taken, but I still don't feel that way, you know, but for him, like, he had a great upbringing, like we both did. He has a mom and dad who love him. Our two kids are very different. And one of them, the one that was through it all with me, she. You can already tell she's a very anxious child. Like, she. You know, they say that they don't remember, but their nervous system does.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. So, I mean, your child, your first child was born in trauma.

[Anna]

Yeah, exactly. And the difference between my two children is, like, astronomical. The second one wasn't born in trauma. And, you know, she's so cool. Calm and collected.

[Nick Viall]

Well, I do think, listen, I imagine you probably have some resentment and anger towards your husband as a result of your daughter. I do think, that being said, that you guys can deal with that, you know?

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Anna]

Like, I'm just kind of looking for like some redirection, like I want to forgive.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah.

[Anna]

Because I know now we have something so good established. It's just the, like the unknown. And then of course, you know, her still trying to reach out isn't sweet. But again, like, I was satisfied with how that was handled.

[Nick Viall]

I don't know, it's like to be in your shoes. So bear with me when I say this, but if I were in your shoes, I guess it would just be like I would need. I just think from time, like I'm curious from time to time, does he ever just like out of nowhere, look you in the eyes or whatever and just say, I'm really sorry I hurt you. That way I know you, you know, it's like I just feel like from time to time, being someone in your shoes, you almost. You need that.

[Anna]

Yeah. You know? No, I can't say that that happened. We also now like where we are now, we're just. We live this crazy. We have young kids, you know, we chose to co. Sleep. So I, you know, he's sleeping with the oldest right now in the same room. I'm with the youngest. So we just don't have like, we're trying to rebuild the glue.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Anna]

And we just don't have like a lot of time, I guess.

[Nick Viall]

Does he need to co. Sleep every night? No.

[Anna]

Gosh, no.

[Nick Viall]

So like, maybe they're just like. You just have to be intentional and deliberate with when, you know, as, you know, you. You have to schedule intimacy sometimes when it comes to having kids, which seems clunky and unromantic, but it's not. It's just one of those things where, like, I think when we're young and single and naive and we, you know, there are life's in front of us and we have nothing but hopes and dreams. We want, you know, we want the storybook and we want to always have the romance be easy and effortless and not have to try and like this. That's just not reality, you know, so part of it is just being, you know, intentional with that type of stuff. But I think the general problem you guys are having is very typical in a. In a relationship that, you know, is trying to survive infidelity and, and that is as, you know, the pain never really goes away. I would be it's probably safe to say on at some level there's something that happens every day where you're reminded of what happens. I'm guessing you've been, you've gotten much better at letting it come and quickly move on through your body, so to speak. I'm sure in the past you would dwell on it a lot longer, you would hang on to it, it would fester, you would react, yada, yada. You've gotten much, much better at that. I'm sure you have your bad days. But the point is it doesn't really go anywhere on the flip side for him. I don't know how much he thinks about it, but I can safely assume that he wants to forget it happened. He wants to not be reminded of how much of a piece of shit he was. I don't know what regrets that he has or when he looks at your daughter's anxiousness of what guilt he feels, but I'm hoping a little bit, but I don't. And not because I want him to feel that guilt throughout, but like he did some shit and it's. I can understand why he wants to pretend it didn't happen 100%. And you both, I think, have to find that common ground versus you recognizing that you can't wake up every day and expect a new apology because you want to be sorry, so to speak. But on the same time, every once in a while, he needs to acknowledge that while you have been willing to forgive him and let go and process all this, like he needs to acknowledge it like it. It happened. He can't erase the past. And he needs to be empathetic to the fact that like, it's still a very sensitive and triggering event for you. And an acknowledgement to that from time to time, I'm guessing would go a long way. Totally go a long way. And I think if I'm you communicating just like things he can do, which may not feel fair to him, but I don't give a fuck about what feels fair to him at this point. And that is. And then what I mean by that is just like for example, I don't expect hopefully to reach out again, but I'm guessing, listen, when you were pregnant and he was doing this, safe to assume you felt very un taken care of, you felt very alone, you felt very unsafe, you felt very like deprioritized and. But more specifically un taken care of in a time where more than any time in your life, why do you want a fucking partner by your side? It's when you're fucking pregnant. When your body is, like, betraying you and from inside out, you don't feel like yourself. You don't know what's going on. And you wanted an emotional rock and he was the opposite of that.

[Anna]

The opposite. Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

And I'm guessing when you fight this, this reaction of, like, him needing to concede comes from this place of almost him trying to forget it happened.

[Anna]

I feel like you. You've nailed it. Like, I'm not expecting a potent apology every day. I mean, gosh, this has been like four years ago. But you're right. Like, something hasn't been done yet that is allowing me to, like, be free of it.

[Nick Viall]

No.

[Anna]

I'm really sorry for crying.

[Nick Viall]

Why? Why are you sorry? I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You don't need to apologize for crying. I'm going to ask you a question, and my question isn't to imply that you made the wrong decision or you should have did. Why? I'm asking you why you didn't do it. I want to be clear by that, and I think I know the answer. But why didn't. Why didn't he reach out to her when she reached out to say, stop it. I don't want to hear from you. This is inappropriate. Please leave me and my family alone. I regret what happened. It was a huge mistake. Never reach out to me again.

[Anna]

You know, I should give him a little bit of credit in the sense that he has done those things. You know, back then, he did allow me a few times to message her on his devices so that it wasn't coming from me, it was coming from him. And, like, we would sit down together and, you know, come up with. With something that, you know, that we were both comfortable saying, like, you know, not trying to be comfortable for him, but, you know, we just. We did it together. And I think that was his way of, you know, contributing to. To the solution. So when she reached out this time, I just reacted, like, react. Messaged him or messaged her. You know, obviously he had no problem with it, but, you know, that was kind of the end of the conversation. You know, you're right. Like, there was no follow up, like, you know, a week or two later to see how that would make me feel. Because we're well into our, you know, our new life.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. But I think that's. Again, not a therapist here, so. But I. What I'm hearing right now is you guys are both, in your own way, trying to just be like, we have a new life. That's so in the past, and it's almost like we shouldn't be bringing it up. And I get that logic. Right? And I think a lot of times when people deal with infidelity, hopefully through couples therapy and marriage therapy, there's a clear, like, almost line drawn in terms of, like, now that we are addressing it, now that we're working on the problems, now that we are really addressing the whys in terms of how this happened, we're going to both give each other the benefit for the doubt. Now that we're choosing to work through this and then kind of almost being like, relationship A, everything led up to the infidelity. That's. That was relationship A. That was in the past. And we're starting almost a new relationship in terms of, like, the new approaches, new tools and yada, yada, yada, which makes a lot of sense. But again, in reality, the person who was cheated on, they don't. They don't forget about that shit. Right? And so I think there's a kind of a little bit of common sense put in there. And I think what you guys are trying to do is, like, he's just trying to pretend it never really happened, and he wants to make sure that you guys are healthy. You know, you're both telling yourself the same narrative, which is like, we're good now. We're healthy. We're better than we've ever been. We had a second child. We're not supposed to be dealing with this shit right now, right now. And I think that's just a bit unrealistic. I think you both have to acknowledge that, like, while you're happy, assuming this is true, that you worked through this, you're still together, you're grateful, you have a second child. You both wish it didn't happen, but it did happen. And I both. You both need to give each other the grace that at whatever time you're triggered by what happened in the past, there needs to be a safe space to bring it up, especially in your case, without him getting defensive or frustrated. And again, sure, if you start bringing this up every day and he's constantly having to address it, I could appreciate what he's like. Again, I have. Oh, my God, like, do you want to forgive me or not? But I'm not hearing that from you. I'm hearing almost a reluctance to even go there ever, because you're not sure it's a safe space to say, I'm still struggling with what happened five years ago.

[Anna]

Totally. Absolutely. And I think, too, like, you know, because we have done so much therapy, marriage counseling, you know, and every time, our marriage counselor is always just like, you know, she's very encouraging of what's in the past is in the past. In order to move on, you have to leave it there. And, you know, that concept just doesn't work for my brain.

[Nick Viall]

That makes sense. Yeah. I don't know if it works for anyone's brain. I think that's a concept that's, like, in theory, helps you get to the frame of mind, but, like.

[Anna]

Yeah, so, yeah, so, I mean, that's kind of been his tool. I mean, that's all he's really learned through that is, you know, that is a chapter closed. You know, we have the foundation, the tools to rewrite new chapters. And so he kind of is in that mind frame, you know, where we just. We never go back there. It's like the cobwebbed corner that we just don't look at.

[Nick Viall]

Would he be surprised about, like, does he know you're calling in?

[Anna]

No, he knows I have a therapy session, which I consider this kind of, like, therapy.

[Nick Viall]

I appreciate it. So does he know? But. Yeah, I guess. Does he know how much you're struggling right now with this?

[Anna]

He knows that I'm struggling with just kind of life in general right now. Like, our new baby is very needy. I also have always extended breastfed, so she's, you know, very attached to me at all the time. So he just knows that I'm struggling in general.

[Nick Viall]

Does he know that you don't fully believe his truth? Oh, yeah.

[Anna]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. And what does he say to that?

[Anna]

I mean, in the past, he, you know, we. We would kind of just go through the texts and situations together, and he would kind of just try to his best to explain, you know, what happened. So in his mind, I think that, you know, he's. In his mind, I think he thinks he's been very honest. So that's kind of what he. What he pushes is that, you know, he's not hiding anything.

[Nick Viall]

And when you say you're not sure, I'm assuming you think there might be a physical cheating as well. Yeah. Do you assume he had sex with her?

[Anna]

You know, I don't know that he would have. That opportunity would have presented itself. But I'm. I'm definitely thinking that they, like, made out or, you know, at least just kissed.

[Nick Viall]

And what is your. Understand. How. How deep did the emotional intimacy go? Was there sexting? Was there talk about.

[Anna]

Yeah, there. There was really inappropriate conversations. Like, you know, she would be not even working on a Day, and then she would go get him lunch, and then they would go, you know, somewhere private and have lunch together.

[Nick Viall]

And so how do you know he wouldn't have the opportunity to physically, when.

[Anna]

You'Re kind of on job sites? I mean, I guess it's not impossible. No.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

I'm not trying to plant seeds of doubt in your head.

[Anna]

Oh, yeah, Gonna go down tonight.

[Nick Viall]

No, I mean, listen, like, at this point, I. I do think you kind of have to let that part go.

[Anna]

Totally. Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

Whether that's deciding that more happened and you're just gonna let it go, knowing it's just like, what's the fucking difference? Like, I would have forgiven him anyways. The pain. Like, I don't know how much more I could have hurt. You do have to just let that part go. And I don't mean, like, let the pain go, but just, like, what's the fucking difference? Like, he cheated on me. Like, the devil's isn't in the details. I think sometimes when it comes to that, I think we like to torture ourselves and we, you know, we tell ourselves we need to know everything because. I don't know, like, we want to see what we're capable. I don't know. I don't know why we do it. So I do think when it comes to that, you have to at your best, just be like, yeah, he did it, and it doesn't do you any good. I can't help but wonder. Her message, the way, you know, her message. If I'm in your position, I could see why that would. For someone who didn't fully believe the story, I can see why that message might trigger those fears. Like, that took. You know, listen, it sounds like maybe this person needs, like you said, needs some help, but the level of. I don't know, the level of whatever the fuck it was that had it in her to send that message that she did four years later, she got.

[Anna]

You know, she has kids now, she has a partner now.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. So that's just kind of crazy on her part. I guess my only advice I could offer you at this point is like, I think he. You need to find a way to say, I'm still. It's not. I'm not just struggling. It's not just the baby. And, yes, me just having a baby. Yes, me being postpartum, I'm sure is playing a role in why I'm so emotional. But at times, I still struggle with this. Obviously, it was very triggering for her to bring up, and I just need. I need a safe space for you. For me to be able to say, I am struggling with this without necessarily him feeling like he needs to get defensive, but he needs to be able to talk. You need to be able to talk with him through this, and he needs to be able to listen and say, you know, hear you out. And if it requires a, like, you know, him listening to say, I know you don't need me to say this. I know I've said this. But as always, like, I. I am so sorry. And there isn't a day that goes by that I wish I could take it back and I see how it's affected our family and just allow you to vent and allow you to get it out there and allow you to just communicate. I feel like that would go further than it's going now, you know, because right now you. You have it inside you. You're all emotional. You get in a fight, you get triggered. It's like, you don't feel like you're allowed to bring it up because you feel like, oh, we've agreed, it's in the past. It's obviously still inside you. And that's where that kind of subconscious brain sounds like. It's like demands almost him to just concede would ever fight. You know, it's like. So rather than that, I'd rather have say, hey, listen, just, you know, like, it's just I feel this, you know, and I want you to hear it because, like, right now I'm angry. I'm angry and I'm feeling triggered. And right now you might be right about whatever we're fighting about, but I'm just so fucking angry that I want. I need you to be wrong. You know, in a weird fashion.

[Anna]

I mean, is exactly like, he. He definitely doesn't like to take the L, even if it, you know, would support the situation. Like, and I. And I'm the kind of person, like, I don't need him to take the L for very long. Like, I'm very aware of my right and wrong.

[Nick Viall]

You have decided to accept his betrayal. You wish you could forget his betrayal, but unfortunately, no one's invented that yet. So he needs to acknowledge that while you've accepted that, you'll never be able to forgive that, and you'll always work on that, and you have worked on not letting it ruminate and things like that. But he needs to then, while you're not expecting him to apologize every day or every week or at all, but he needs to acknowledge that, well, you have to live with this truth. He has to live with the Fact that for the rest of your relationship, it may come up at times where he finds it to be unfair or inconvenient, but it's also unfair to you that you have to live with this for the rest of your life. And it never really goes away.

[Anna]

No, it doesn't. Like, as you, I mean, you have a beautiful wife who just had a baby, and when you're pregnant.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah.

[Anna]

You just kind of. You'll just never forget.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. And that's something he needs to accept and acknowledge and just. And say. And almost say, I understand. And if I were you, I would, it would be the same, you know, And I think hearing that from him, I would hope would go a long way. But he needs to. I think he needs to, like, I think you both need to maybe through couples therapy, kind of address the elephant in the room where it's just like, I feel like I am not allowed to express the pain I still sometimes feel because it was five years ago. And it almost feels like I have to suppress this pain that. Well, again, I acknowledge that we've worked through it, but it never, it never, it never goes away. And certainly having a new kid and her reaching out has brought. And that's another thing you guys need to acknowledge. There may be periods in which you are fine where you go through seasons of. Things are pretty good, but things might trigger you. Whether it's her reaching out, you guys having another kid, I don't know. You just. Maybe emotionally and just not being your best self. Stresses about the relationship. And he needs to be able to offer you that grace and say, you know what, that makes sense. And I wish it didn't. I wish we could all make this go away, but I, I understand why it doesn't. And, and just, at least he can now. He can get the heads up of what you're upset about. And so now you, he, you know, give him the opportunity to dress what's actually you're angry about. You're not angry. Why he's not closing the cabinets or forgetting to do something you've asked him for the 10th time. Yeah, it's annoying. But that's not why you're losing your shit. You're losing your shit because you still feel the pain and you're reacting to that pain. And he is coming across as almost dismissive because he's not really addressing your pain.

[Anna]

No, I completely agree with you. I, you know, it definitely is worth a conversation. I just. We have had these conversations before, but again, you know, our outlook has always been like, what's behind us is behind us. And so you, you know, acknowledging that that doesn't have to be the case is helpful.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah, I. I think there's a difference between moving forward, but you still are allowed the grace to have it come up, and you are still allowed to be triggered by this. And when you are triggered, you still need a partner.

[Anna]

Totally.

[Nick Viall]

I mean, he's your husband. You know what I'm saying? And your husband, I'm assuming, is there to help each other deal with whatever triggers or emotional, like, stresses you're facing. And this is something you're facing. He caused it. And while I understand that you have to, on some level, focus on moving forward, within reason, you need to be allowed to have a moment or be triggered and work through that trigger not alone. It's just like, hey, he doesn't get to be like, hey, I'm here to help with anything that you're going through, except for the thing that I caused, because, honestly, I'd like to just pretend it didn't happen. And I've already said I'm sorry, so it's just not really fair to me for you to bring it up anytime you're triggered. Like, I don't. That doesn't seem realistic or. Or fair.

[Anna]

You've honestly. You've honestly nailed it like that. You know, that's exactly what our. What's happening in our conflict. Like, I mean, you know, it's.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

So I think maybe the conversation with him is one. It starts with saying, listen, obviously, you know, I'm emotional right now. I'm sure the postpartum's playing a role, and I do not. I don't want to be reacting the way I'm reacting to you. I don't like how I'm acting to you. That's not who I want the type of wife I want to be, you know, et cetera, et cetera. It's not that type of energy I want in our relationship. And I am sorry I'm reacting, and I. The way I'm acting. I've been thinking about why, and I think just sometimes, like, I know we talk about moving forward. I know we. About putting the past in the past. But, like, as you know, and I'm sure you can imagine, her reaching out was really triggering for me. That wasn't easy. It brought up a lot of skeletons. And if I'm being totally honest, like, sometimes it happens. You know, maybe it's something you say, maybe it's a feeling I'm feeling, maybe something I observed that brings up something in the past. It doesn't always need to be her reaching out. And I don't need you to apologize every day. I know you're sorry, but when I am triggered, I don't feel like I can really address it with you because I feel bad about bringing it up, as if, like, you know, I'm trying to throw it in your face. And I really wish we could have a safe space so that when I do get triggered by this, that I can still talk through it with you because I know you're sorry. But to be honest, every once in a while, I still have to live with this pain. And I guess whether it's fair or not, I just still need to know that you feel the regret from this happening, you know? And I just want to be able to. I need my husband to be there for me when I'm triggered about this. Even though you were the cause of it.

[Anna]

Totally. And for our daughter, too. I mean, you know, it's very easy to see her behavioral issues, you know?

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. But you just have to be careful. Not, like, blaming him for that.

[Anna]

No, I. No, no.

[Nick Viall]

Even though it's his fault.

[Anna]

She's very, very sweet, but she definitely is very anxious, and it's going to be something that we do have to address, for sure.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah, you'll have to address it. You'll have to challenge her, too, you know, like, you know, again, I'm not here to tell you how to parent, but, yeah, okay. But, yes, it's. You've addressed it. At a young age, there's things you can do and not that, you know, your second child, you know, might incur something that causes them to be anxious in the future. And, you know, who knows? We can't predict life. Shit happens, unfortunately, and all we can do is our best to, like, move on and recover from it. But I think it's the whole moving on part versus the recovery part that is you guys are having a hard time figuring out what's right and what's wrong, because I think there is a moving forward and a moving on. But you have to be realistic, both of you, in terms of just like, hey, I'm a human being, and I don't forget. And every once in a while, while I wish I could forget this ever happened, I am reminded and triggered sometimes. And when that happens, I need to be able to talk with you about it without feeling like I have to protect you.

[Anna]

Exactly. What's happening. Totally.

[Nick Viall]

So.

[Anna]

Well, I will definitely have that conversation. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of nice that you guys Book so quickly. You know, you do catch it in the raw sometimes.

[Nick Viall]

We do our best. Yeah.

[Anna]

Yeah. You guys are awesome.

[Nick Viall]

Well, listen, I would love to talk to you both. If he was ever down, you know, he is.

[Anna]

He. I have to give credit where credit is due. And, I mean, he's put himself through lots of therapy, and I don't know that he would ever be a. I don't know that he would be opposed, but also, I don't know he would be for it, so. Might be worth a shot.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. I don't know if I'm him, I want to do whatever I can to move forward, and this is in an effort to move forward again. You know, as I always say, you know, lead with love. You're not trying to come at him. You're not trying to attack him. This is like, you don't want to feel this way. You don't want to keep fighting with him. You guys are in agreement on that. So this is all in an effort, it. To, like, continue to work on the both of you. But, like, there is an elephant in the room that clearly you guys feel like you shouldn't be bringing up, because at some point in the past, there was a promise that we're moving forward, and that's just how we operate. And totally, you know, you're not dealing in reality when it comes to that stuff.

[Anna]

Yeah, no, I. I knew you would have a good outlook on it. Been listening for a long time, so this is very surreal for me, so I appreciate it.

[Nick Viall]

Well, I appreciate listening. I. Again, I'd be. I'd be interested. I. You know, in getting his pov.

[Anna]

I'll. I'll be in touch, but maybe.

[Nick Viall]

Listen, hopefully it's not necessary. Hopefully you sit him down, you have this conversation. Hopefully he's generally receptive to it. He should be able to understand that her reaching out, if nothing else, was a very triggering event for you. And this happened when, like, well, you're still pregnant?

[Anna]

No, no, this was just, like, gosh, months ago.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

How long.

[Nick Viall]

How old is your youngest?

[Anna]

A year.

[Nick Viall]

Okay, so. But, you know, shortly, within a year of you having your second child, being postpartum, she reached out. Very triggering. This is all was centered around your first pregnancy. He needs to be able to acknowledge that. And honestly, I wish he was a little more proactive with, like, saying, hey, are you okay? You know, and he would go a long way for him to be able to, like, get. Get past his shame for doing what he did and be willing to check in with you more often.

[Anna]

Totally. You Know, I'm sure when she reached out, I mean, he just wanted to quickly get that gone. So he kind of.

[Nick Viall]

Well, that's the thing where, you guys. I think there's needs to be a slight adjustment here. Again, I'm kind of repeating myself, but, like, there is a difference between moving on and then being delusional and trying to push and suppress things that are happen and emotions that are coming up. I understand why he wished it could go away, but the simple fact that he was kind of like, oh, wait, wait, no, go, go, go away. Suggests that he knows that it's still potentially an issue. Otherwise, why would you wish something go away? What I would really like to have happened has him say, all right, like, let's just talk about it. First of all, are you okay? That must have been really hard, babe. I am really sorry that happened. You know, I'm really sorry she did that. I Obviously, you know, I had nothing to do. I hope you believe that. I have nothing to do with that. Is there any questions? Again, he needs to be every bit of the person he wasn't when he did this shit. And that, if nothing else, will continue to show you. And that's what you want to see, right? You, through his empathy of checking in with you, through his, like, being willing to say, hey, babe, are you okay? Is there something you want to talk about? Is this triggering for you? I know we put them in the past, but do you want to work through something that will show, I'm assuming for you, that would show you that his. His commitment to the relationship. He's still invested. He's still. Sorry, he's. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's. I want to still see that shame. I don't want him to let go of that shame. I want him to, like, be reminded of, like, what. What everything you had to work through to get to the point now. Because the moment he completely lets go of the shame, I guess in some ways you're going to be worried that this could happen again. I'm not a big on, like, shaming for teaching, especially when it comes to kids. But, like, shame can be a useful tool for ourselves at least, you know, And I think a healthy amount of shame and disappointment on his part that he maintains the rest of your lives in relationship, I don't think is a terrible thing. And I. And that's the level of security that you have that, like, he needs to. He. It should not be so easy for him when you get triggered for him to brush it away and hope that it's already been handled. And he needs to acknowledge that for the rest of your relationship. Every once in a while he's going to have to deal with his choices back then.

[Anna]

I agree. I totally agree.

[Nick Viall]

And at that point, if you guys can create that safe space, then it's on you to be reasonable with your anger and how you express that anger. And when he is willing to create that space and talk, then you need to take advantage of that safe space and not be so reactive and so demanding of him, conceding fights that have nothing to do with this.

[Anna]

Totally. You're. You're. You nailed it for sure.

[Nick Viall]

All right, well, please keep us posted.

[Anna]

I know.

[Nick Viall]

All right, We're. We're dying to know, but there's a. There's a path forward. I'm here. And if he doesn't do what you hope, then. Then say, I need. I need him to do this. It's cheaper. It's cheaper than therapy. We don't even charge.

[Anna]

I know. I was just going to say.

[Nick Viall]

What.

[Anna]

Where can I send you your fee?

[Nick Viall]

Yeah, no, it's free. All right, well, I. Sorry you're going through this. Congratulations on your family. I know this is. This sucks. But like, listen, you're not alone. And like, you know, you're not alone.

[Anna]

Totally. Well, I really appreciate it, you guys. Administrative great. This great. Everything great.

[Nick Viall]

All right, well, thank you for your time.

[Anna]

Thank you.

[Nick Viall]

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[Andy Mitchell]

Hi, my name is Monica. I'm 34 years old and I want to know how to handle my girlfriend's sister who hates me.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. Do you know why she hates you?

[Andy Mitchell]

There are things that she has talked about and pointed to, but overall I'm not really sure.

[Nick Viall]

Okay, and how are you made aware of this? Through her directly or through your girlfriend?

[Andy Mitchell]

All of it's through my girlfriend. All of it is her like complaining and crying to my girlfriend. And then my girlfriend tells me about it and we have not like directly interacted at all.

[Nick Viall]

Gotcha. And is your girlfriend, is she coming to you with this information as, hey, this sucks that my sister hates you and we need to figure out how to get her to not hate you or is she just kind of like, I guess my sister hates you. I don't really know why, but like, I don't. So is it bothering you or is it affecting your relationship?

[Andy Mitchell]

It is affecting our relationship. She really is super close with her sister. It's like her baby sister. And she wants us to all get along and do fun things together and go on trips together. So the fact that her sister keeps complaining about how awful I am and all these different things is really like upsetting for her and wants me to, to, you know, maybe censor myself or kind of adjust how I'm working with her in order to.

[Nick Viall]

And what does she hate about you?

[Andy Mitchell]

Well, like the most recent thing was that I said that her mom's dog stuck.

[Nick Viall]

Did you?

[Andy Mitchell]

And yeah, the dog does suck because. And the whole family complains about how the dog sucks all the time.

[Nick Viall]

Right.

[Andy Mitchell]

It's just like a running thing, that he's a puppy, he's not trained, he doesn't get enough exercise. So when everybody complains that he's the worst, it's fine. But when I said it, she said it was a personal attack on her and she was crying about it for four days.

[Nick Viall]

Okay, what else?

[Andy Mitchell]

And then after that there was a point where her mom was saying how the dog is the worst. So this is the owner of the dog was saying, oh, my dog is the worst. And I said, oh, well, you know, don't tell. So and so and she went around and told my girlfriend's sister. I said that. And so then that caused another shit storm for like a week of her crying that I'm making fun of her behind her back and everything. I also, I taught the child. My girlfriend has a four year old daughter. I taught her the Word lesbian. That was a whole shitstorm. She didn't like that I did that. She didn't like the reason.

[Nick Viall]

To be clear, that was her sister. Not your. Not your partner. She didn't care. How did your. How did your partner feel about it?

[Andy Mitchell]

My partner thinks that her daughter should be allowed to say the word lesbian since she is a lesbian.

[Nick Viall]

Gotcha. And did your partner have a child, like, the old fashioned way or through surrogacy? Like, did she come out of the closet that she used to date? Like, I guess. What's her backstory in terms of her sexuality? Is that playing a role?

[Andy Mitchell]

She kissed a few boys in high school, but other than that, she's always been a lesbian. Super gay. Yeah. She had a firm donor. She's married to a woman in the past.

[Nick Viall]

Oh, okay. So then okay, I mean, other than just ignorance or her to society to hate you, but, like, why do you think the whole lesbian conversation is a problem for her sister?

[Andy Mitchell]

She said it was because she doesn't want the child to be saying that at the playground. And then other people hear her and they don't want their kids playing with her. And I said, well, if that's the case, then that's too bad for those kids that they don't get to play with our daughter. And, like, why would we want people like that over our house? And she said that that was basically me saying that we don't want her over at our house. Which is a thing I never said and I never would say that.

[Nick Viall]

But again, it also suggests that. It also suggests that her sister has a problem with the word lesbian and somehow thinks it's a dirty word, which is like, literally who I am. What would be like, I don't know. Okay, what else?

[Andy Mitchell]

What else she has? I mean, most of the family thinks that she is just jealous of me. My girlfriend and I just bought a house together and we've been together in the past couple of weeks. She takes care of her daughter during the days, so she's used to kind of being the one to help out with the daughter instead of me. They used to live together, so she's used to having my girlfriend to herself all of the time. And so I think probably that's part of it, but I don't know. I think it's weird that she, like, wants to be in my position, if that's where it's coming from.

[Nick Viall]

I mean, who knows? You know, I'm saying, who knows why people do and think what they say or the sense of entitlement? You just Said one. You said one thing. The dog thing is an opportunity for you, okay? And the lesbian comment, that's just seems like pure ignorance on her part. I can completely appreciate why you find that to be offensive or frustrating and hypocritical on her. And I think you have every reason to push back on that and set a clear boundary. But I also think, quite honestly, that should come from your partner, not you. You know what I'm saying? Your partner is also a lesbian along with you. And this is definitely do you want to be right or do you want to be happy situation as it relates to you. The dog comment I think is an opportunity for you where you. You fucked up. If I if just an objective person in terms of. It reminded me of a time. I have a lot of savings, as you know, right? And there was a time with one of my siblings, partners. Now I have some of my siblings. I love all my siblings. I would do anything for them. I like some more than others. You know, I'm closer with some more than others. And you know I'm joking when I say that. But like, we're all very different. Some of us, it's easy to get along. Some of us, it's just like we were oil and vinegar. But we love each other and we're family and yada yada. And some of my siblings, like myself, have big personalities, you know, and. And can cause drama in the family or rub some of us the wrong way. They are imperfect people, right? And inside our family dynamic, we talk our shit, we complain, we vent to our parents, and it's all like fair game because we're family. You know what I'm saying? And then there was one time where I was hanging out with one of my siblings and their partner and their partner was talking some shit, honestly, about some of my other siblings. And quite honestly, everything they were saying about my siblings wasn't totally even wrong. But I was like, you don't get to talk shit about my siblings to me. You just don't. And I was just like. Especially because some of the shit they were talking, I honestly felt like they were also guilty of and lacked the self awareness to see it. But it wasn't really about that. It was more like, you don't get to fucking talk shit about my siblings to me. Just because you're dating my other sibling, you just don't get to fucking do that. I found that to be disrespectful. I found it to be triggering, yada, yada. Well, that was I right. I don't know, but it was just how I felt it. Maybe it's me being the older brother and I'm not. Your. Your situations are entirely different. I understand, but I was just like, you know, I, I had dealt with too many of my siblings, breaking up with people, getting, you know, moving on with other people. It's just like you, you, you're not married. You're not even in this family yet, so to speak. You don't get to talk shit on my siblings. Right. So when you brought up the dog, it reminded me of that moment where it's just like, I get everyone else is talking shit about the dog, but I can see why her sister is using this as an opportunity to be mad at you. And I don't even think you did anything wrong. You know what I'm saying? This is more like you're going to have to figure out even though her sister is giving you especially the comments about lesbian and you introducing that word to your. Her, you know, your child. It sounds like you guys are co parenting. She completely wrong there. Right. And I understand why. In your mind, you're thinking, if she, like, I have a. I can, I can, I can point out why the dog is a piece of shit because everyone else is. And you're right, you can. But this is like, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Right. And so you're going to have to figure out those things that don't need to be said by you that you just bite your tongue and pick your battles so that when she does something like you have a right to be really mad and offended by, then you can choose, pick your battles. But, like, don't give her the ammunition, I guess, to shit on you for saying things that don't need to be said.

[Andy Mitchell]

I mean, another layer of it is that she's also complained about the tone of my voice and the look on my face when I'm in the room with her. Yeah, some of it. It's just like things that I, I feel like I can't predict what she's going to get upset about.

[Nick Viall]

No, but I guess my question, a.

[Andy Mitchell]

Little bit of a blunt person, so I can like, be careful about, you know, but it's also like, if I have a look on my face, I.

[Nick Viall]

Don'T know, I get what you're saying and I can appreciate your frustrations. And I, I'm just getting the sense from you that again, you, you also, you have a strong personality and you're confident in who you are, which, which I love I respect. I think it's great. I think you should own that. I think sometimes that can get in the way of, you know, family dynamics because you want to be who you are and you should be able to. But when it comes to, like, siblings, siblings have the almost green light. Her sister has the benefit of knowing that no matter what, she'll always be my sister. And I don't.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah, totally.

[Nick Viall]

She does. And that's exactly how she's acting. And she's going to play that card forever. Right. And so that's where you could just do yourself a favor and bite your tongue when you've, you know, at times in situations where you don't need to be. Right.

[Andy Mitchell]

But I'm just afraid that that's not going to be enough, that she's just still going to, like, nitpick and twist.

[Nick Viall]

Things and maybe so. But listen, I will say, you know, at the end of the day, this comes down to your partner and how. How she wants to address this. Because if her sister wants to never give you the benefit out, she. She won't. And there's nothing you can do about it, really. And it's going to have to come down to your partner saying, stop it. This is who I. I'm with. This is who I love. You don't have to like her. You just have to respect her. Because I want you to respect me, and I don't want to choose between the two of you. But if you make me choose, I'm going to choose my partner. You know, that's ultimately what I would say. And if I were in your partner's shoes, and she's going to, at some point, need to do that. I'm just saying, as far as you're concerned, control what you can control and make it easier for your partner to do that so that when she does do that, she's not being like, well, what about the comment about the dog? And maybe bring up things where you just feel like you're being yourself, but, like, other people might find you to be abrasive or, you know, or maybe other people might accuse you of speaking on things that they don't think you have the right to speak on as it relates to their inner workings of their family. And I think when it comes to that, you should try to bite your tongue and you should just be your partner's partner. And, and I understand. I think a lot of it comes from. Listen, when we are dating someone serious, we want to immerse ourselves in their family. We want to. We want to have Them be our family, want them to accept us. We want, accept them. And I think sometimes, you know, for example, my, my siblings partner, I think it was all well intentioned. They, they, they talked like they were already in our family. And I was just like, you're not, you know, so you don't get to talk your shit. I felt a certain way about it. I'm not even saying I was right. I just felt a certain way and I, and it made me have an opinion about my siblings partner and I, you know, I'm right. So I know it's probably just. Does this feedback doesn't probably sound fair or what you want to do, but it's just like you're going to have to control what you can control because you, you can't, you're not going to, you're not going to. Hopefully you're not, you'll, you're not going to win. Even if you get your way, if, if it comes down to you asking your partner to alienate her sister, you're not, because your sister doesn't want to. And even if you're, even if her sister makes you choose, you're going to, you're going to be the end up, you're going to end up losing. Because her sister doesn't need to always be connected the way you always need to be connected to your partner. Again, she'll always be her sister and she'll always have that. And you have to fight against that. And to fight against that is to really figure out what battles you need to fight and where you can just choose to be happy and you don't need to be right.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah. And one other question I had too is because we have a whole family trip coming up, we leave in a few days for Disney World. So this is my girlfriend, her sister, their entire family and their daughter. And I am worried that like I'm gonna say something and her sister's gonna get set off and like finally confront me in person in Disney. Because I've been avoiding her for the past like month. I haven't been around. I've been like, when I am around, I don't speak in front of her. I've just been like totally keeping my distance and isolating myself. And now we're going to be in Disney World for eight days altogether.

[Nick Viall]

I mean, but what conversations you've had with your partner about this?

[Andy Mitchell]

I mean, I was like, oh, she says something, can we just walk away? And my girlfriend just is, you know, like hoping that that doesn't come to that. And she Wants us to have a sit down talk before we leave and just try to like, hash things out. But anything I suggest of bringing up, she says sounds like a confrontation.

[Nick Viall]

I'm getting the impression your girlfriend's very adverse to conflict. Yes.

[Andy Mitchell]

And you're very much so.

[Nick Viall]

And I'm guessing you're not.

[Andy Mitchell]

No, I don't really mind it.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. And I'm guessing when it comes to your relationship, when it doesn't include people in her family, she probably loves the fact that you are the confrontational one because you can probably fight her battles from time to time. But in this particular situation, you're just going to need her to step up. And that's, I think, a fair expectation you need to have with her. She'd be like, well, what happens? But I guess you need to check in with your sister to figure out what bothers her because again, this is her family. And so in terms of this whole talk that your girlfriend wants you to have, you guys need to figure out the two of you. It's just like, for example, the comment about the word lesbian. How does your girlfriend feel about that?

[Andy Mitchell]

I mean, she was, she said that all the things I said were things she was thinking. I just said it faster than she got. Than she did.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Andy Mitchell]

But then when she talked to her sister about it after, like, I read some of the text messages and she was really downplaying it, like, oh, that's not something I say much in front of her. Or, you know, she has a book that mentions lesbian, but we barely read it. And it was kind of like, like I feel like she caters to her sister a lot.

[Nick Viall]

Did you ask your girlfriend? It's just like, why are you, why are you coming across as if you are almost embarrassed? Like, like that that language is suggesting that she shouldn't be saying this word in front of her daughter. And it's like, right, that is her idea.

[Andy Mitchell]

I mean, I think she just doesn't want there to like, be issues. She doesn't want there to be confrontations or arguments or people's feelings getting hurt. She just wants everything to like, be okay.

[Nick Viall]

Well, she is going to have to at some point set some boundaries with her sister. I mean, I mean, if she is that much of a pushover, it's going to be a problem. I don't, I don't, I guess, I don't know. Because you can't fight her battles for her in this particular situation, even though you do outside of the family, because you will always then be the bad guy and your, your Your girlfriend can't play the. I just want everyone to get along when it's her sister who's, you know, stirring up the drama. I do feel like there are probably things you can do to avoid the drama, but you can only do so much. Right. And your sister at some point needs to stand up to her younger sister. Is it?

[Andy Mitchell]

Younger sister? Yeah. Like baby sister by 10 years.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. And just say, stop it. As far as the confrontation goes. Yeah. Because that's the thing. It's just like, if you guys have this. Sit down. You need to understand what is important to your girlfriend in terms of what battles you two should be fighting together with her sister and everything else. You could just be like, you know, I am sorry I said or did that. I certainly didn't mean to. To offend. Obviously, I love your sister, and so I hope that you can learn to accept me. And I'm sorry if I says, you know, you are going to have to swallow your pride. I guess what I'm trying to say is. Yeah, like, if your girlfriend is unwilling to set a boundary or communicate an expectation with her younger sister, then you have no hope of winning any confrontation with her sister. I don't see how.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Right.

[Nick Viall]

Because in her sister's mind, she will always be like, if my sister had a problem, she'd tell me and my sister's not telling me. So the problem's you, right?

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah. And I mean, my girlfriend does like to her sister and to her other family members who have, like, they have another sister who's gotten involved and gets upset. So to them, she's really, like, stood up for me and said, like, Monica's done nothing wrong and everything's okay on that part. You know, she's not in the wrong here. She hasn't said anything to offend you. She hasn't been malicious. But then it's behind the scenes, it's a little bit more like saying that I should censor myself more or maybe I should say this or I shouldn't say that or I should do that. But she has been good about, like, to them to, like, the outside of standing up for me and having my back. So at least I know that, you know, she's put her foot down with that.

[Nick Viall]

I think you and your girlfriend need to be more on the same page in terms of what is said to your sister. And you need to be a united front. And that message needs to be consistent because your girlfriend is the glue here. She just is. I don't know all the details, but, like, I think you and your girlfriend need to get on the same page in terms of how we feel about that whole conversation about you introducing the word lesbian to her daughter. Are you guys aligned? Are you not aligned? You have the right to be offended by this. You have a right to say, you know, you're suggesting that I somehow be ashamed of the word that describes our sexual identity, and I'm just not. And I don't why you're suggesting I should be. But again, if you're, if your girlfriend's not going to be aligned with you on that, then you're just going to look like the bad guy, right? As far as the dog comments, as far as about other random comments her sister thinks you shouldn't be making, I would just be like, listen, I hear you. I apologize. You know, just play the victim. Just be like, I just. I really want to be close with you and your family, and if I rub you the wrong way, I, I, I hear you. And I, I do. I don't want to do that. And I, I will try not to. But when it comes to, you know, introducing the word lesbian, I'm. I, We're. We. We're not on the same page. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You have the right to your opinion, but, you know, we're just not aligned, and that's okay. I just think you need to try your best to not win with her sister and not be right with her sister and not get her sister to concede anything other than accepting you and backing the fuck off.

[Andy Mitchell]

Okay. All right. That'll be hard, I know.

[Nick Viall]

No, this isn't easy.

[Andy Mitchell]

Those are all the things I want to do.

[Nick Viall]

I know, but, like, it really comes. This, really, it comes down to your girlfriend. I don't know how you get through this unless your girlfriend is willing to confront her sister. Because what I'm ultimately hearing is your girlfriend wants a relationship with her sister, and she wants everything to be fine with the two of you, but her sister has a very strong opinion about you. And your girlfriend is either unwilling or unable to communicate to her sister how she really feels about how her sister is acting and is unwilling to set a very rigid boundary about what she expects of her sister. I mean, it's kind of crazy. The picture you're painting is that we have this whole family trip, and everyone's afraid of the little girl's sister, the youngest baby in the family. Like, who is this person? Like, why do they have so much power over everyone else? That seems kind of crazy to me.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah, I would Agree. It is kind of crazy.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. I think you need to have more expectations of your girlfriend.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

Because it almost sounds like your girlfriend is conveniently allowing you two to hate each other because she doesn't want to be a part of it and she needs to pick a side. And I don't mean aside, like, cutting her sister off, but, like, she needs to say, hey, listen, stop this. You don't have to love her. You don't even have to like her. You have to be respectful around her. Because I love her. She's my partner. I'm creating a future with her. And quite honestly, sister, sometimes your words and actions kind of give. Like, you don't accept my choices in life. You don't accept who I am as a person. You don't accept who I love. And that's offensive to me. And I need you to stop. And I need you to stop blaming my girlfriend. You. For the issues you might have with me, because that's how it's sounding. It sounds like she's projecting whatever frustration she has about her sister's choices and is blaming you for it.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah. Yeah, I think she probably is. And, you know, wants to, like, just like you said, maybe finds me kind of abrasive and doesn't like that things are changing and it's just, like, freaking out about it.

[Nick Viall]

Maybe so.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

But when it comes to that stuff, I think that stuff is normal. And as much empathy and grace and understanding that you can offer, even at the risk of feeling like her younger sister isn't okay with who you are, I think that's okay. Set aside the ignorant statement about lesbian, but in terms of your personality, I think you have to allow her sister to not like you.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah. And that's fine. You know, it. It goes both ways.

[Nick Viall]

No, I know, but she, unfortunately, in as far as the family, she kind of. She gets to, in a way, win. And I'm sure for you, that feels annoying and unfair. And it is. It is annoying and it is unfair, but that's family. Sometimes family is annoying and unfair. Mostly. Again, there's a difference between unconditional love and unconditional. Like, we unconditionally, hopefully love our family, but we definitely don't like them. And we have to learn to coexist with them because they're family. And we don't get to choose our family's personalities and things like that. We choose our friends, family. It's like, I don't. I definitely wouldn't hang out with you if you weren't my sibling. So. All right. Was this helpful at all? I don't know. Or annoying?

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah, no, totally. I mean, I. I definitely going to talk to my girlfriend about, you know, like, I mean, I can definitely make an effort to not be as myself around her, not be quite so, like, as big of a personality around her, because it clearly offends her in some way. And then also, you know, about what my partner needs to say to her and, like, really stick up for me that, like, this isn't okay. If she has a problem with me, she needs to kind of keep it to herself. And.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah, yeah, your biggest challenge is, you know, I'm guessing there's an element that you feel a little unsafe in your own relationship because you know how much your girlfriend's relationship with her sister matters to you and you know how much her sister doesn't like you. And I can't help but wonder if that makes you feel a little less secure than you would like to feel in this relationship, knowing how much it matters to her.

[Andy Mitchell]

I mean, mostly my feelings are just really hurt about the whole thing. Like, I don't really have a lot of immediate family myself, so I'm just, like, hurt that I'm not being welcomed into her family as much.

[Nick Viall]

Sure. But, like, that shouldn't, like, one sibling's bad attitude shouldn't impact everyone else, and you should still be felt. Well, you know, you know, I'm saying, because that's not what you're. You're not like, hey, listen, my girlfriend's got this one annoying sister that for whatever reason, she doesn't like me, and we've got into it, but everyone else is great, and I feel completely welcomed by everyone else. And while she acts out, like, you know, I guess it's kind of annoying. But for whatever reason, the picture you're painting is like, this sibling has a lot of influence and power over everyone else, and it is dictating how you feel welcomed overall by everyone else.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah, I mean, I think when she, like, if she gets upset or if she offends other people in the family, everybody else seems to just, like, let it blow over and it's fine, like, right after. And there doesn't need to be any apologies or anything like that. And then I come in, she upsets me, and I'm like, you know, expecting some kind of apology or like, something. Some kind of accountability.

[Nick Viall]

That's where.

[Andy Mitchell]

And like, that's obviously not going to happen.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah, that's not going to happen. So that's where you can. That's where you can help yourself. You don't need to be right. You don't need to get the last word in, which I'm guessing might be a challenge for you at times. And I think that's where you need to focus on if you really want to be a part of this family. There's a part of you that kind of needs to accept how they treat their sister. And I don't agree with it, like you don't agree with it, but that's. This is the family, and this is how they've chosen to handle her sister. And you're not going to come into this family and change that.

[Andy Mitchell]

Right.

[Nick Viall]

And that's where you need to maybe have a slice of humble pie. You know, I get it. I get where you're coming from. You're probably walking into this family and being like, this is fucking crazy. Why they all treat this person this way. What is going on? You have to let that part of your opinion go. And your only focus should be your connection with your girlfriend and her ability to stick up for you when appropriate. But she. She doesn't need to pick a fight with her sister just so you feel defended. I mean, you're really going to have to pick your battles. And I use that because, again, I think that one comment about the word lesbian is a battle. I would assume your girlfriend would want to fight with her sister in terms of like, hey, but again, that's her battle to fight, not yours.

[Andy Mitchell]

Right.

[Nick Viall]

So when she says something offensive to the both of you, then you need to go to your girlfriend and say, hey, listen, I'm going to stay out of it. But, like, I'm assuming we're aligned here, and I need you to. I need you to communicate that to your sister so that I don't have to. And if you really want us to continue to get along, then don't give your sister reasons to think I'm the bad guy in situations that we are aligned.

[Andy Mitchell]

Right?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Andy Mitchell]

I mean, I think. I mean, my girlfriend's really, you know, she's super great about, like, having open communication with me and listening to me. So I think she'll be open to what I have to say. And I can, you know, eat humble pie like you said. I guess I suppose I can do that and, you know, apologize to her. I've been saying that I refuse to apologize to her, but, I mean, I guess I can.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah.

[Andy Mitchell]

I just feel like I haven't done anything wrong.

[Nick Viall]

Right. But I guess it's not about being right. It is not about right or wrong. I'm going to say this, and I'm not meaning to condescend because you acknowledge that you don't have like a. Your family. You know, you've been wanting to immerse yourself in this family because your extended family is limited. Yeah.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah, right.

[Nick Viall]

So maybe the reason why your approach is because maybe, like, I have a lot of experience with annoying siblings. I have a large family and we're all very close. And I'm saying this out of jest, but it's true. And the way you're describing her family and how they handle the sister makes a lot of sense to me. They're just like, whatever. I don't know. She's. I don't know why she's the way she is. She just is. And it's just us. It's. It's easier for us to roll our eyes and just let her throw her temper tantrum than. Than fight with her about it because she is who she is and she's just always going to be our sibling and like, whatever. And again, they can. They, you know, some there's sometimes with siblings, they don't talk to her for a period of time. You know, well, I'm always going to love them and they're always going to be welcomed in. In my life and I'm always going to be there for them and I find them to be sometimes annoying as. And so it is easier for me to just let them do their thing because I don't need to be right with my siblings. I don't give a what they do. It's their life. They can choose whatever they want. But it is my job as their brother that I always love them and always accept them for who they are. Right? And you're sitting here being like, why are you guys allowing this crazy fucking behavior? And the answer is because it's their sister. And at the end of the day, they're just going to choose happiness, they're going to choose love, and they're just going to let her figure her shit out. And that's where you need to you. If you want to be a part of this family, you need to think like this family as it relates to her sister, which is. I don't know why she does what she does, but she does. And like, whatever. But she's going to be family. We're never not going to invite her on this trip. I think everyone might be in agreement that it might be easier to not have that, bring that energy on the trip. But hey, she's part of the family and we deal with It. Does that make sense?

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah, definitely makes sense. I'm. I'm following you. Yeah. And I think that, like, you're right. That I need to just kind of suck it up and just roll with the punches a little bit better here.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. You're having a hard time knowing you're right and needing to be validated for that. And if. I'm guessing. If you can learn to let that shit go, it will go a long way with this dynamic. But your girlfriend does need to step up on topics that you guys are aligned with.

[Andy Mitchell]

Okay. Yeah, I think so. A little bit. I mean, she's been good, but she could take another step or two up.

[Nick Viall]

I mean, you've. You've made enough of comments that tells me that, like, there. There's a lot here that you can control. The. I refuse to apologize to your sister is a. Such an. Like, that is energy you are wasting for no fucking reason other than your ego.

[Andy Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

Who gives a shit if you apologize to this person? Who cares? Honestly? Who cares? Just let her be happy. Who did? Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Like, it just doesn't. It doesn't matter.

[Andy Mitchell]

Right? Yeah. I mean, and I do, like, I just want to be happy with my girlfriend. Like, everything else in our life is so amazing right now. Like, we keep saying we're in a golden age. Like, our jobs are going well. Are. Like, we've been parenting together a week and a half now going great. We're in, like, the honeymoon phase. It's amazing. It's like this one thing that we argue about.

[Nick Viall]

So swallow your pride. Swallow your. Yeah. And just when it comes to her sister, just extend all of branches. That's what you need to do. You need to. You. You just have to. Yeah. Not be right.

[Andy Mitchell]

Okay. I can handle that. I think I can. It might take me a day to prep, but I can do that again.

[Nick Viall]

This is like a crash course and, like, trying to be a part of a larger ext. Family, and that is. They're fucking annoying. And, you know. But. I'm joking. But, like, it does matter, because there is a benefit to, like, having that. That unconditional love and that, you know, an unconditional love, again, is very different than. I think. We often confuse unconditional like and unconditional love. And this is uncon. This family has unconditional love for her sister that you don't have, and you don't even like her, and it's just annoying to you. So you have to learn how to unconditionally Love this girl because you're your partner does.

[Andy Mitchell]

Right.

[Nick Viall]

And treat her as such.

[Andy Mitchell]

Okay.

[Nick Viall]

All right, Good luck. Keep us posted. I'd love to know how the trip goes.

[Andy Mitchell]

I'll let you know how Disney goes. Fingers crossed. There's nothing to report.

[Nick Viall]

All right. Lead with love, Sol your pride. Just say, listen, I love your sister. I just. I really. All I really want is to get along with you. And listen, it's. I'm okay if we don't always see eye to eye, but I want to respect you. I hope you respect me. And whatever I can do to keep the peace, let me know. And that's generally the message and the only thing you should say over and over and over to her sister, some version of that. Don't get into the weeds with any type of argument with her sister. Let your girlfriend do that.

[Andy Mitchell]

Right.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Andy Mitchell]

That won't go anywhere?

[Nick Viall]

No, absolutely not. All right.

[Andy Mitchell]

All right. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your time.

[Nick Viall]

Likewise. We appreciate your call.

[Andy Mitchell]

All right, thank you.

[Nick Viall]

All right. Bye. Bye. Helix sleep is the perfect place to get the perfect mattress. It's truly the most comfortable mattress in the world. And if you have been listening to the show, you know that, and if you don't, I mean, honestly, the heck's wrong with you? The reality is that Helix does make the most comfortable mattress ever, and they have some unique mattresses for all kinds of sleepers. Helix has a lineup of 20 unique mattresses. We personally sleep on the moonlight mattress, both here in LA and our place at the lake. We truly believe that every mattress. I don't believe in monopolies. I really, I don't. But with one exception, Helix should be in every household in every place across this country and the world. Honestly, the world would be a better place if everyone was resting their eyes on a Helix mattress. That's just my opinion, but I feel very strongly about it. Helix is giving you 100 night sleep trial. You can sleep on it for 100 nights, do whatever you want. You can try for 100 nights, and if you're not as obsessed as we are with our Helix mattress, you can send it back. And they give you that 100 nights because they know you're going to be obsessed with it. You're never going to send it back because it's so gosh darn comfortable. They also come with a 10 to 15 year warranty, depending on their mattress. Truly great. Doesn't matter if you sleep hot, cold sleep on your side, sleeping your stomach. You're a big, tall sleep sleeper. And for the kiddos out there. They even have mattresses for those little ones designed for the growing bodies and endorsed by child sleep experts. And if you don't want to take our word for it, don't worry. It was rated the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wire magazine and even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as the go to solution for improving your sleep. So the good news is helix is offering 25 off site wide and two free dream pillows with any mattress purchase. Go to helixleap.com plus you can get a free bedding bundle which includes two dream pillows, a sheet set and a mattress protector with any luxe or elite mattress order. That's helixsleep.com V I A L L With Helix, Better Sleep starts now. Good Wipes Listen, it's 2024. Let's stop using scratchy paper good wipes or a flushable bathroom wipe that smell amazing and give a better clean and overall lead to a better restroom experience. It's a better clean. It just really is. It's everything about it is better. Toilet paper just smears. Good news is they come in variety of scents. You know toilet paper doesn't do that.

[Andy Mitchell]

You know when I'm wiping my child's.

[Anna]

Butt, I'm like, why am I not using wet wipes for my own?

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. Would you use scratchy hard paper towel on your baby? No way. A variety of scents everyone will love Rosewater, Shay, Cocoa, Lavender, Cedar plus New Botanical Bliss Listen, if we have to convince you why good wipes are better than regular toilet paper, I think you need to take a long look in the mirror. I really do. It just makes so much more sense. Can you really be loved if you don't love yourself? And can you really love yourself if you're not using good wipes? I don't know if you can. I think we've said enough. If you want to upgrade your restroom ritual, you can grab good wipes at Target, Walmart, Kroger and most local grocery store. Just head to the toilet paper aisle and look for the bright aqua, rose and emerald packages. They're also available on Amazon if you're more of an online shop. How's it going?

[Anna]

Good.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

How are you?

[Nick Viall]

Good. What's your name?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

My name is kelsey and I'm 33.

[Nick Viall]

How can we help Kelsey?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

I'm trying to figure out if I should pay for my friend's car repair. I can go into the story if you want.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. Who's the friend?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay, so it's my best friend. It's someone that I spend a lot of time with. And just to be upfront, their pronouns are they and them. So I will refer to them as they and them.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

So they're my best friends. We've been friends for about four years, but we're really good friends. We spend multiple times a week together. And they know, like, most things about me.

[Nick Viall]

How long you been best friends with this person?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Like, four years.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. Is there any chance of romance in either direction that you may or may not be aware of?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

No.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. All right. How much money are we talking about?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

$800.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. And then why do. Why. Why does this person need money in the first place?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Well, so you could say it my family's fault their car is damaged. So it was about a month ago. I was moving into my new apartment, and my stepdad, who was driving the moving vehicle, accidentally hit their car. And the damage is very minor. It's like an inch or so on the driver's side door. It's simply cosmetic. So you could say it was my stepdad's fault. But I also had a friend that was, like, verbally directing the van, like, go ahead, keep moving. And he, you know, so you could say it was his fault, too. But when it happened, my friend, I could tell they were pretty upset, even though, you know, the damage was pretty minor. So I told them, hey, we'll take it to the shop. Like, we'll get it repaired. Like, I'll take care of it. Thinking because it was such a small dent, it wouldn't be, like a very high bill. So we took it to a company and we got a quote, and they said it was $800. And to me, that was kind of a lot of money. That was a high quote. I don't know if it matters, but I'm a teacher. I live paycheck to paycheck. So, you know, to me, that was almost a whole paycheck. It was something that I had to budget for. So we took it to a few other places to see if that quote was reasonable. In other places, it was a higher quote than that. So we were going to take it to the original place to backtrack. At first we went to the place, the repair guy said he could try to buff it out at first. And my friend said that they weren't comfortable with that. So that was a little bit startling to me, and it was a little bit upsetting.

[Nick Viall]

Why weren't they comfortable with it? Like, what kind of car is it?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

It's bright green, if that matters. That's why? That's part of the. What? No, it's 2017. It's just like, a regular car.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. It's not like.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

There's nothing special about it.

[Nick Viall]

And they're not like a car person.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

No, no, no, no.

[Nick Viall]

All right.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

But they're very particular about their car. Like, my dog isn't allowed in their car. Like, they're very particular about their car, which is. I knew that ahead of time, so that's why I was, like. Knew that I. It was, you know, to get it paid for.

[Nick Viall]

Who was driving when this happened, by the way?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

So their car was parked on the street, and my stepdad was driving the truck, the moving truck that hit their car.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. And then someone else was directing your dad, and they both, I guess.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yes.

[Nick Viall]

Screwed up.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

And then. And then scratched your friend's car.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

The front bumper.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

But no structural damage.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Front door?

[Nick Viall]

Front door.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Front door. No structural damage. Not at all. It's a little over an inch long.

[Nick Viall]

How long. How long ago did this happen?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Like, the beginning of September.

[Nick Viall]

What? Conversation.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

It's still going on because it still hasn't been fixed yet. It's ongoing.

[Nick Viall]

And by ongoing, it sounds like this is like, continue to escalate and is creating tension between you and your friend.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah. And now we haven't spoken in weeks, and I've. I've blocked them on all social media because to me, it's less about the money right now and more about the fact of how they've reacted to the situation. Not only do I think it's a little bit ridiculous that they're making me pay this. I wouldn't say making, but they're asking me to pay this money without trying cheaper ways first. Like, I have a friend that said I could order this paint marker that matches, like, the make and model of a car, and we asked if we could try that first.

[Nick Viall]

Does your friend, $100 have car insurance?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yes, but my stepdad, like, wasn't insured when he was driving the moving vehicle, so I didn't want to go through insurance. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I just. I don't know. I didn't want to go through insurance. I still could, I guess. I don't know if it's too late.

[Nick Viall]

I get what you're saying. I don't know if it's too late. Well, first of all, I get. Technically, it's not your choice, it's your friend's choice.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Right.

[Nick Viall]

You're not calling the cops.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Correct.

[Nick Viall]

So I don't really Think maybe talk to a lawyer. I. So I'm not a lawyer and I'm not giving legal advice here. But that only matters in a particular state that, like, for example, state of California requires you to have car insurance. Other states are different. If you guys lived in California and you're. I'm pretty sure that, you know, if your friend called and filed a claim. Now granted, your friend could be like, well, I don't want to file a claim because that might raise my insurance and yada yada, they may ask who is involved. And your car insurance, their car insurance company might then try to go after, I suppose, your dad or the other people involved. And if it was, if they had insurance, they would try to recoup. But like, we're talking, And I understand 800 is a lot of money for a car insurance company. I don't know how much money it is. And that is why people have insurance. You know, also, your friend could just be like, I have a scratch on my door and I don't know how it happened. I'm not trying to suggest that they lie to their car insurance company, but I don't, I don't know if the devil is in the details here. We're talking, talking about a scratch. And I agree, from everything you're telling me, it sounds like your friend's being pretty ridiculous. I mean, it seems insane to me that a friend would ask you to give up an entire paycheck for something that ultimately doesn't affect their ability to get from point A to point B. I'm not expecting them to be happy about their scratch. But as you've pointed out, you're trying to find solutions. They seem to be completely unwilling to hear any of those solutions out. What they want is like, they want their car to be what it was before this accident happened, which, hey, listen, I get it, but they're not willing to really do anything. And where does your, where do the people actually involved in this come into play in terms of like, actually being the ones who compensate your friend? Because, like, that would be reasonable for your dad and the other person to maybe say, hey, sorry, how much was it? Well, we'll pay you. I don't know why you're involved.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah, no, no, totally, I agree with that. I felt like I should cover the bell first. I didn't think it was going to be that much money. I was thinking it was going to be like 3, $400.

[Nick Viall]

Not even that. That would be half your paycheck.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Right, right, right, right. It's still a Lot on. My stepdad did give me $200. I owe my, like, my mom and stepdad money for, like, a vacation I took. So I don't, like, fully feel comfortable asking them for all of it.

[Nick Viall]

But you're not asking for it. They did it. I don't understand.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

I know. No, I know. I know. Upfront, I said, because everyone was helping me move, and it was like a 90 degree degree day in August that I was going to cover it because I felt bad. So I did offer to pay it again before I knew what the quote was. So I felt like it was my responsibility to pay it.

[Nick Viall]

All right, that makes sense.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

So to me, it's like, yes, my question is, should I pay it? But also it's like, what do I do about this friendship? Because either way, I'm annoyed, I pay it, and I lose all this money. Or like, either way, in my opinion, the friendship's kind of over with. I really don't like how they've handled this. Also, the car is supposed to take three days to get done, and to me, this is ridiculous. They're expecting me to transport them to work or pay for their Ubers. The days that they don't have transportation, not only do I have to pay a hundred dollars, but I have to pay a couple more hundred dollars in Uber fares for their transportation to and from work.

[Nick Viall]

How big is this scrap? What are we talking here? Is this like, an inch? Is it the whole door? What are we talking here?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

I can, like, send you picture.

[Nick Viall]

Oh, please. Yes.

[Andy Mitchell]

Okay.

[Nick Viall]

Yes, yes. Send it to Justin.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

You're gonna. I think you're gonna laugh.

[Nick Viall]

Your friend's being ridiculous. I mean, I don't know what else to say.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay, so is this enough to, like, end the friendship over, like, to me?

[Nick Viall]

I mean, I don't know. Well, how have you respond? Like, so what I'm hearing from you is you do not like how your friend has handled this disconnect between the two of you. My question to you is, how have you handled your friend's action? Like, how is your response to your disappointment to your friend? What have you communicated to your friend as it relates to. Because you're talking about you've blocked this person, and you're just like, I'm ready to be completely fucking done. And I don't know if you need to choose that. You know, I guess they could choose that. If I were you, I would say something like, listen, I'm in a tough position here. I'm really sorry about this. And as you know, I'm Trying to find solutions. I can't afford this. I'm a teacher. This is an entire paycheck. Even if I could afford to fix it, your expectations of me. If you really want this, then file an insurance claim. Do you think this person would go so far as to throw your family under the bus and.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

No, I don't think that. And that's. That's the thing. It's like, do I just simply not pay it and just not say anything? So I didn't block their phone number. I only blocked them on all social medias. We only talked on Snapchat, really. So they probably think they're blocked totally, but they're not. So to me, I was just going to wait and see if they called me.

[Nick Viall]

Well, but how do you think they took you blocking them? I can't imagine. Well, terribly.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Not well at all. Like, they were very. I was very much their main source of social life.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

So I don't think they took it well at all.

[Nick Viall]

And why did you block them?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Because it was also kind of hard for me. I felt like this is someone. It was kind of felt like, you know, like a breakup. You know, it was like I was upset with this person for making me do something that I thought was crazy to ask of your best friend. So I was really let down. And I didn't want to see anything about theirs anymore. I didn't want to see things they were doing. I didn't want to say something I would regret. I just didn't want to have access to them anymore. So it wasn't necessarily like an F. You. It was just kind of. I wanted. I didn't want any access.

[Nick Viall]

But. But you didn't communicate that to them. I'm guessing you just blocked them.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Correct.

[Nick Viall]

And then. And then also, did you express in detail why you didn't agree with their ask?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

No, we. And we didn't even have like a fight, per se.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

They just said, like, my car appointment is for the end of October. I will need this, this, and that. It'll be $800. And this is what I expect. And I just.

[Nick Viall]

They said that this is what I expect.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

And they said, I will be sending you my Uber receipts for related expenses.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. Do you think this person would sue you? Yeah.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

I mean, no. No, I truly don't. I don't. I don't think that.

[Nick Viall]

I mean, if they. I. Yeah, for a lot of reasons. I mean, we're talking small claims here. I think there's mistakes on both sides. Let's focus. I mean, I don't really know or care about your friend. I mean, you know, whatever. But you do, so. And I care about you. And you're calling in for advice. Your friend has every reason to be upset with you for blocking them without communicating why you're blocking them and that who knows what your friend is thinking and feeling in terms of why you blocking them. And they would be entitled to be thinking whatever, because you chose not to communicate why. And so now they. It's up to them to fill in whatever gaps you didn't express to them, and that is on you, you know, if you don't want to.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

So you think I shouldn't have blocked them? You think that was wrong?

[Nick Viall]

I think it was a bit preemptive.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay.

[Nick Viall]

I mean, I think it's. It seems a bit drastic, from what I'm hearing, to cut off your best friend for a. For a disagreement. This is a disagreement. This is not even that big of a disagreement. I mean, I understand money's involved so things can get you more sens. But this is nothing to throw a friendship over. And I understand you are frustrated with how they handled it, but in all relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, we're often disappointed at how people handle disappointment, and we have to have conversations about what we're disappointed about. To me, it was a bit premature of you to just be like, all right, well, I don't know. I'm really annoyed by my friend, and I'm really upset by how they're handling this block. I'm done. That seemed hasty from where I stand. Before you got to that. Before you got to that point, I would have wanted you to say, hey, listen, like, can we talk? Because one maybe you don't realize is, I can't afford this. This is an entire paycheck for me. And if we're just doing some basic math, your expectations of me covering your Ubers and whatever we're talking. I don't know, two paychecks, a month's paycheck. Do you expect me to give up a month of my salary for, like. Well, I know you're annoyed, and I would be annoyed, too, but this is like a small scratch on your car. An old car. I'm guessing their car, like, isn't immaculate.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

So many. So many other things wrong with it.

[Nick Viall]

Right. That in itself is truly insane for it to not even. But you have to express that in a mature way. And don't use words like insane. You could say, it just doesn't make sense to me why you want me, your best friend, to be Out a month's salary to fix a scratch when your car has a bunch of other scratches on it. Like, why would you want me to do that? Do you understand the impact that would have on my life? This. This scratch has no impact on this person's life other than, like, the annoyance of looking at this scratch. And they want you to, like, be out a month's salary. That just doesn't make sense. And so you. But you at least need to hear your friend understand your point of view and where you're coming from and then see how they respond. If your friend responds and says, tough luck, it is what it is. Right is right and wrong is wrong. And I'm really expecting you to do this or else our friendship is over. Then let them end the friendship over this. But I don't know why you're ending the friendship over a miscommunication. And, you know, like, you know, it just seems like it says snowballed.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah, I can see why you think it would snowball. I think in my head, I was more. I was also upset about. They had no reaction to it. Like, I was. It didn't seem like they cared. Like, when we heard that the quote was going to be so expensive, they didn't say anything about it. There was no sympathy. There was. I know this. Isn't this socks? I'm sorry. There was. It didn't. It didn't feel like a best friend. It felt like a car accident I was having with stranger.

[Nick Viall]

Is your. It didn't friend fully aware of your financial situation?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Absolutely. And they completely tell me all the time how they don't have any debt. They always talk to me about it. It's. Yeah, they are very aware of my financial.

[Nick Viall]

But if this person really is your best friend, as you say they are, then you need to communicate all these thoughts and feelings. I mean, this is just a conversation you guys are choosing not to have that you should be having with a best friend. If I were you, this is what I'd say. I feel stuck.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay, so should I text? Should I text them?

[Nick Viall]

No. I mean, you should call.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

I should call.

[Nick Viall]

I mean, again. Well, it depends on what your goal is. If your goal is to try to work through this issue with the least amount of resistance, that would be calling, texting, you're leaving. Open the door for them to interpret your text in the manner in which they're feeling about you, which is almost never accurate in terms of what message you're trying to convey. They're going to read it in the emotional state of mind that they're in, not the one that you were in when you send it. And so you're, you're. You're hoping that they're going to receive it in the manner of which you sent it. If you call, then you have the benefit of them hearing your voice, your inflection, your body. You know, if they see you in person, they can read your body language, et cetera, et cetera. Like, it's just more forms of communication. And again, it depends on what your goal is. Right. If your goal is to salvage this friendship, then who cares what the. You know, you should be willing to have any form of communication that you want that works.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Just like the last couple weeks when we haven't been talking, I've been kind of like, reflecting to see, am I missing having them in my life? How am I feeling about it? And I don't feel like I miss them a ton. I more miss just having someone to hang out with as often as I was hanging out with them. So I don't really know. I'm kind of feeling like. And this isn't the first time that something like this happened. Like last year, like, I won't go into it, but last year when I was moving again, something else happened, and we got in a pretty big fight over that. So it's like, what's going to happen next time I move? It's like kind of what's in my head, maybe.

[Nick Viall]

So I still think, listen, it's this one man's opinion, but, yeah, there's something to be said about how hasty you have reacted to the disappointment of your friend. And so whether it's this friend or your. Your next friend or a family member or a future partner, it sounds like you need to get a little bit better about how you communicate your frustrations. And this could be. Regardless of whether this friendship is saved, I think it would do you well to kind of see this through and say what needs to be said and let your friend decide. You can still work through this issue. Say what you need to say, communicate what you need to communicate. And if you need to pull back from this friendship still, you can still do that.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

But yeah, because it seems like a lot to have someone that was such a major part of my life to just end the way it did. So I do think it maybe needs some type of a next step, whether that be closure or conversation.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. Because, like, it's like, to me, the math, not mathing, for you to defer to this person as your best friend of four years and be so willing to, like, have them be completely removed from your life like that.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

It was just, like, a really big situation that was going on, and it seemed, like, really, really crazy to me, the things that she was asking. So to me, it was just, like, a lot going on, and I just wanted to be. I just wanted to be done with it.

[Nick Viall]

That makes sense.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

But I understand that they are my best friend. And, you know, I think it's something that.

[Nick Viall]

Well, that's the part of you that I feel like you need to work on, because I don't. You know, maybe there's some sort of avoidant attachment. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not a therapist, so I'm not diagnosing you here. But. But your lack of willingness to deal with this problem is a you problem.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay.

[Nick Viall]

And that's a problem that will stay with you for your next relationship. Like I said, be it friendship, romantic friendship, or not. And you can't avoid moments of total disconnect with some of the closest people in your life. That is inevitable with any relationship you will ever have. And at some point, you are going to have to work through these with the people you care about and not just be willing to, like, remove them from your life once it runs its course. Yes, friendships come and go. Maybe this friendship has run its course, let you decide not solely based off this interaction, because that seems nuts, but, like, you're. You would be making this decision after, like, you know what? Honestly, like, you know, I don't know if we'll ever be as close because of this, because, like, yeah, again, this. How your friend is handling this is suggesting they lack the empathy that you would want in a close friendship when it comes to your situation. It gives a couple of, like, red flags about, you know, how this. How much this person is willing to be a friend to you as opposed to their willingness to need a friendship from you. Yeah. My advice would be solely based off of you addressing the part of you that it seems so willing to avoid confrontation.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah. And I feel like I. I would feel better if I, like, had a conversation with them. It'd probably be best to do, like, in person, I feel.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. And how. And then ask yourself how much of you deciding that you don't really miss this person comes down to you wanting to avoid the thing I'm telling you not to avoid.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah. I don't want to have a conversation with them at all.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. So you need to work through that.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

So. Yeah, most of it.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

So if you cared enough to call in and get my advice that tells me you care more about this friendship than you are admitting to yourself.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah, I definitely do care about it a lot.

[Nick Viall]

If I were you, I'd reach out to this person over the phone. Even better would be like, reach out and be like, I miss you. I'd like to talk to you. Can we get together for coffee and talk about our disconnect? I'm sorry for blocking and to say, I'm sorry for blocking you. I should have explained why I did that, but honestly, I shouldn't have done that in the first place. But can we get together, together and talk? Ask that. If they don't say yes to your offer, then say, well, can we get on the phone? Hopefully they say yes to both of those. If they don't say yes to either of those, then I would simply say, again, I'm sorry for blocking you. I'd like to explain myself. When you are ready to talk, I'd love to get together or get on the phone, but I wouldn't offer texts. If they. If they're like, well, just text what you have to say. Say, I would rather. Rather not. And I think this is at least a phone call conversation. But when you're ready, I'm here. You say that you make yourself available and put the ball in their court. If they. When they do get a hold of you, you just say, listen again. I just want to start by saying I'm really sad that we're fighting. I really love you as a friend. I miss our friendship. I shouldn't have blocked you. I think my reasoning for blocking with you is, like, I just didn't really know how to handle this. This fight we're having, and I just kind of ran and hide. And I'm really trying to work on that on my end, but I'm really frustrated because I feel like I'm stuck in this position because I'm trying to do the right thing. I was moving, you were willing to help. My family was willing to help. They were ultimately the ones that did this. I offered to pay for it, not realizing how much it would cost. And then everything kind of snowballed from there. Turns out, yeah, the quote was $800. You're fully aware of my financial situation. Just as a reminder, that's an entire week's paycheck for me. Added on top of that, your expectation of me paying for your transportation. Like, we're talking about a month's salary. You're expecting me to act like an insurance company, and I'm not here to tell you to file an insurance claim, but if you want. I'm not an insurance company. I don't have these types of funds. You are welcome to file an insurance claim, but, like, ask yourself, you know, again, if financially it doesn't make sense for. For this person to do that because the rates would go up, potentially over, ultimately, is something that's a little scratch, and this car has a million scratches. I'm sorry this happened, and I wish I could fix it, but you seem unwilling to, like, find any other solution that doesn't include me paying $800 in all of your transportation while your car gets fixed. A. I'm just gonna be transparent with you. I can't do that. I can't. Even if I wanted to, I'm not in a position to do that. I hope that's okay with you. But in addition to that, it feels kind of almost. I don't understand why you are insisting on this since you know my financial situation and. And what, you're going to make me pay all this money to fix this particular scratch while your car is still riddled with scratches? Like, why would that. That seems almost mean. Like, do you realize how this would impact my life if you made me do this?

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah, that's how I've been feeling.

[Nick Viall]

And ask them. Ask them if they've comprehended that and hear them out. I would love to have them hear how you feel, process it, and then respond.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

I would. Do I want an answer to that? Like, why?

[Nick Viall]

You know, but that's what friends do, is they ask these tough questions and they express how they feel and, like, clearly. Like, the. My guess, the simplest answer is they just have a completely different point of view of the situation. And while they may be aware of your financial situation, maybe they haven't considered it, because maybe they're just in their own main character syndrome here. And I don't know why they're doing what they're doing, but there's probably a reason. And even though it doesn't make sense to us, it makes sense to them.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah, that's true.

[Nick Viall]

And hearing your point of view might change theirs.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay, well, I'll reach out to them.

[Nick Viall]

All right? And listen, if it doesn't go the way you want, at least you will know at that point you did everything you could. Right now you're willing to give up a friendship, not having done everything you could to save it.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah, I'm kind of just, like, taking the easy way out.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah, let's not do that. This shouldn't be that Hard to do.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Just the confrontation. I don't love.

[Nick Viall]

I hear you, but life requires some kind of confrontation, especially with the people closest in our life. And a solution to run from all forms of confrontation, even with the people who are closest in our life. That's a. It's a recipe for disaster for you, especially if you want to have relationships in your life.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay, thank you.

[Nick Viall]

All right, well, keep us posted. Let us know how it goes. But yeah, just like, lead with love, lead with empathy. You do not want this friendship to end and you miss this friendship. And you're hoping that you guys can figure this out, but you are simply just not in a position to meet their demands. And it seems from your standpoint, almost mean for them to expect this of you. And you're sorry it happened. You wish it didn't. But if it really bothers them that much, you think they should file an insurance claim.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay, sounds good. I will give myself a week deadline that could.

[Nick Viall]

Okay. All right. And don't sell yourself out. This shouldn't be that hard. I know you don't love confrontation, but like, this is about you working on that and practice.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah.

[Nick Viall]

Okay.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Yeah. And having a wrap up and figure out what's next in the friends.

[Nick Viall]

Yeah. All right, let's just close the disconnect. That's all you're trying to do here.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Okay. Work on my communication.

[Nick Viall]

All right, Keep us posted.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

All right. Thank you.

[Nick Viall]

Appreciate you. All right. Bye. Bye.

[Sabrina Kohlberg]

Bye.

[Nick Viall]

Thanks for listening again. Don't forget to send your questions at Ask Nick at the vial files dot com. Be sure to join us tomorrow for an electric episode of Reality Recap. Don't forget to join us on Wednesday for an explosive episode of Going Deeper with Ashley from Love is Blind. If you were left wanting more from the Love is Blind reunion regarding Tyler and Ashley and all the drama they've been dealing with online with his baby mama and all that crazy stuff, be sure to tune in on Wednesday because you will be fully satisfied. You will leave that episode with all your questions answered because we like to do our job here at the Valfhaus. Until then, we'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

[Anna]

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[Nick Viall]

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[Anna]

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[Nick Viall]

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[Anna]

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[Nick Viall]

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