E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Viall Files – Episode E838 "Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP"

Release Date: November 11, 2024

In episode E838 of The Viall Files, host Nick Viall tackles two heartfelt and complex listener dilemmas related to trust and boundary-setting in personal relationships. The episode offers insightful advice on managing strained relationships with close family and friends, emphasizing the importance of setting healthy boundaries to maintain one's mental well-being.

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1. Caller: Alex (29) – Navigating Boundaries with an Overbearing Mother

Situation: Alex, a 29-year-old expecting her first child, seeks guidance on how to communicate to her mother that she does not want her to stay with her post-delivery. Despite a loving and supportive relationship, Alex feels overwhelmed by her mother's emotional involvement and fears that her mother’s presence might overshadow her own and her husband's roles as new parents.

Key Points:

• Desire for Independence: Alex wants to manage her pregnancy and early motherhood without her mother’s immediate and prolonged presence.
• Emotional Strain: Her mother’s heightened emotions and attempts to be overly involved are causing Alex significant stress.
• Previous Attempts: Alex has attempted to set boundaries regarding her mother’s involvement during childbirth, leading to emotional confrontations.

Notable Quotes:

• Alex (02:12): "I feel like she's just so sad and like, I don't want her to."
• Nick Viall (05:53): "The problem right now with your mom, it doesn't sound like she's asking. Sounds like she's just like, I'm going to be there, and off the bat, that's just like a slight, like, violation of your boundary, your space."

Advice Provided: Nick emphasizes the importance of Alex asserting her needs clearly and setting firm boundaries with her mother. He suggests having an honest conversation where Alex communicates her expectations and the impact her mother's behavior has on her well-being. Additionally, Nick advises involving her partner to present a united front, reinforcing the couple’s joint decisions regarding parenting and household management.

Actionable Steps:

• Initiate a Candid Conversation: Address the issue directly with her mother before the baby arrives to prevent misunderstandings.
• Involve Her Partner: Let her husband support the conversation, underscoring that it’s a mutual decision.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Define specific areas where her mother’s involvement is welcome and where it is not.

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2. Caller: Alexis (32) – Trust Issues with a Long-Time Best Friend

Situation: Alexis, a 32-year-old woman, reaches out regarding trust issues with her best friend of over 20 years. She suspects her friend has been dishonest about their romantic engagements, leading Alexis to question the integrity of their longstanding friendship.

Key Points:

• Suspicion of Deceit: Alexis believes her friend has been hiding her dating life, potentially rekindling a past relationship without honesty.
• Emotional Impact: The lack of transparency is causing Alexis anxiety and eroding the trust foundational to their friendship.
• History of Openness: The friendship was built on mutual transparency, making the current deceit particularly hurtful.

Notable Quotes:

• Alexis (51:03): "She's been this last year hiding some things from me and it's become more obvious lately."
• Nick Viall (56:00): "You've known her since she was 12 years old. So you give that person a little bit more grace."

Advice Provided: Nick advises Alexis to approach the situation with empathy and open communication. He suggests addressing her feelings without placing blame, allowing her friend the space to explain her actions. Nick highlights the importance of respecting boundaries while also expressing the need for honesty to preserve the friendship.

Actionable Steps:

• Communicate Openly: Initiate a conversation expressing her concerns and feelings without accusations.
• Respect Boundaries: Acknowledge her friend's right to privacy while emphasizing the importance of trust.
• Evaluate the Relationship: Decide whether the friendship can be maintained on new terms or if distancing is necessary for personal well-being.

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3. Caller: Alex (30) – Addressing Suspicion of Theft by a Friend

Situation: In a separate call, another listener named Alex, aged 30, shares her distress over missing sunglasses from her car following a trip with a longtime friend. She is convinced that her friend rifled through her belongings and took the sunglasses, but her friend denies any wrongdoing.

Key Points:

• Evidence of Theft: Alex found multiple pairs of sunglasses missing from her car, coinciding with time spent alone with her friend.
• Conviction vs. Evidence: Despite her strong conviction, there is no concrete proof beyond her observations.
• Impact on Friendship: The suspicion has left Alex questioning the authenticity and trustworthiness of the friendship.

Notable Quotes:

• Alex (77:34): "I'm convinced that your friend stole them and I'm just curious as to why."
• Nick Viall (78:12): "I feel like you've done what you can do, and if you really are. If you're that confident that she took them, then not a friend."

Advice Provided: Nick encourages Alex to trust her instincts but also to seek clarity through direct confrontation. He suggests approaching the friend calmly to discuss the missing items, emphasizing the importance of honesty and accountability. Nick also touches on the potential need to reevaluate the friendship if trust cannot be reestablished.

Actionable Steps:

• Direct Communication: Confront the friend with the facts and express how the situation has affected her trust.
• Seek Resolution: Allow the friend the opportunity to explain or rectify the situation.
• Reassess the Friendship: Depending on the outcome, decide whether to continue the friendship or distance herself for her own peace of mind.

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Conclusion: Emphasizing Boundaries and Trust in Relationships

Throughout the episode, Nick Viall underscores the critical roles that clear communication, setting boundaries, and trust play in maintaining healthy relationships. Whether dealing with overbearing family members or deceptive friends, the advice centers on self-advocacy, empathetic conversations, and making tough decisions to protect one's mental and emotional well-being.

Final Takeaways:

• Assertiveness is Key: Don't hesitate to express your needs and boundaries clearly.
• Communication Facilitates Understanding: Open dialogues can bridge gaps and resolve misunderstandings.
• Prioritize Well-Being: It's essential to prioritize your mental health over strained relationships.

By addressing these issues head-on, listeners are encouraged to foster relationships that are both supportive and respectful of personal boundaries, ensuring healthier and more fulfilling connections.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content segments to focus solely on the core discussions and advice provided during the episode.

Transcript

[Nick]

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[Alex]

You're crazy.

[Nick]

How's it going?

[Caller]

Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 29 and I am struggling with how to tell my mom that I don't want her staying with me after my baby is born.

[Nick]

Okay. Is this your first child? Yes, it is. Okay. Is your mom staying with you now? No.

[Caller]

So she lives about, like 10 hours drive away.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Caller]

But she plans to. So she says, like as soon as I go into labor, like drive up or hop on a plane, whatever's quicker. And she wants to stay for like two weeks.

[Nick]

What's your relationship with your mom?

[Caller]

It's good. Like, I love her. She's always, like, very supportive or pretty close, but she has been, like, very emotional, I feel my whole pregnancy so far. Like, emotional that she's not here. Like, upset when I. If I do anything kind of like, special with my dad or my husband's parents. I think she just wants to be, like, included, but it's like, a lot.

[Nick]

So what I'm hearing is you empathize with mom wanting to feel included, but it sounds like mom's making this a little too much about her rather than being a part of it.

[Caller]

That's my perspective.

[Nick]

Yeah. Okay, well, your perspective does matter, obviously in this situation. How far along are you?

[Caller]

She'll be here in about six weeks.

[Nick]

Okay, well, congrats. That's exciting.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Nick]

Aside from your personal feelings about your mom and this situation, if I may Offer some just input as being a recent dad. Natalie's mom. And again, every parent child relationship is different. Natalie's mom is very easy to be around. I will say that she's very good about not making things about her. So that is a very important detail. She stayed with us for six weeks and I gotta say, life saving on our end. You know, like Nally and I, again, we're in a very fortunate position. So, you know, living in la, a lot of people were just like, are you gonna get a nanny? Are you gonna get a night nurse? I know that's not even an option. A lot of people can. I mean, I didn't even hear what. I didn't even know what a night nurse was until I moved to la. We didn't want to do any of that. We wanted to be really active parents. We wanted to, you know, really embrace, you know, the whole experience, especially with our first child waking up feeding river. Natalie breastfed, you know, all those things. And so in the middle of the night, you know, I'd wake up Natalie, Natalie would wake up. But her mom was there to take river at like 5, 6 in the morning. And we got to sleep in and oh my God, that was just like a fucking game changer. So I just want to put that out there. Not sure because. And if mom's not willing to help and do some of those things and if she just wants to be involved, then it's kind of useless. But like, if I just. Free child support is a really great bonus. So if you have other options, great. But I do want to mention that.

[Caller]

I mean, I'm open to like hearing that it might be okay. I'm just like really nervous for like, like I want, like this is my first kid. Like, I want to be the one like doing all the things. And my husband only gets two weeks vacation right when she's born. So like, I just don't want her kind of like hovering like telling me, oh, this is how you need to breastfeed. Like, oh, this is the right thing. Like we're both very like our way type of thing. Like very bossy, assertive.

[Nick]

I hear you. I guess it just really comes down to what is your comfort level to have this, you know, I guess maybe tough conversation with mom because again, that's where, that's where Natalie and I were very fortunate. Natalie's mom. We didn't have to have any of these conversations. Both of our parents were very lucky is excite. You know, my parents have a lot of kids and they have a Handful of grandchildren. This was Nally's mom's first grandkid. And even then, her mom was like, she was not there to give her input unless we asked. I mean, we were very lucky that way. I know a lot of people do not have parents like that. And we're very lucky that both of sides of our parents are very much like they. They respect boundaries without us even having to enforce them. Not every parent's like that. If your mom's not like that, you're just going to have to have that conversation where you're like, mom, I just need to be very honest with you. This is our experience, and we really. This is what we want for us, you know, like. And that's the thing is, like, the problem right now with your mom, it doesn't sound like she's asking. Sounds like she's just like, I'm going to be there, you know, and off the bat, that's just like a slight, like, violation of your boundary, your space. I understand she's grandma, but like, the, you know, she needs to ask. She needs to be like, hey, what do you guys want to do? What's your plan? What do you guys want? How can I help? What can I, you know?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

We were lucky enough to have Nally's mom have that type of energy, so she made it very easy for us not to have to worry about her feelings. And that's. It sounds like where you're struggling is, you know, your mom and you know, her sensitivity. And right now you have to deal with your mom making her feelings more important than, quite frankly, yours or your husband's.

[Caller]

Yeah, no, I mean, I'm, like, open to having the conversation with her. I just kind of like, I don't know when. I don't know if. Because I feel like there's two. Like you said, there's like, two types of people who want to help when the baby comes. Like, people who want to help with your other tasks and people who want to help and, like, sit there and hold a baby. It's like, I'm fine with her helping us with our dogs, with the laundry, with whatever, but I don't necessarily want her being like, oh, let me take your baby so I can. So you can go do that. Does that make sense?

[Nick]

Sure. But I think there's a middle ground, you know, like, don't get me wrong, we didn't have Nally's mom stay with us for six weeks so she could be Cinderella and do do our chores. Like, that's definitely not why we had her. She definitely helped. But I think it was just more like, like you, Nellie and I very much were like, we, we're going to embrace this experience and we're going to wake up and we're going to be parents. But again, between like 5am and 7am like her mom was willing to wake up and that was her time. And we got to that. Those two hours of sleeping in was like, it honestly, like saved us our mental health, our sanity. Like, it was nice. I mean, to do. To be clear, it's one thing to wake up in the middle of the night, you know, is like you're going to wake up every two or three hours early on and if you still have to get up at 6am that's tough. But when you have to get up a couple hours during the day and you get to sleep until like 7 or 8 sometimes because someone else is holding the baby for a couple hours, pretty great.

[Caller]

You know, I don't know if I'm gonna feel like that.

[Nick]

I don't know. Yeah, I mean, we didn't.

[Caller]

I feel like I'm gonna be very like, like, this is my baby. I don't know. I already feel like.

[Nick]

I hear you. Listen, Ally could not have been more connected to river and more, you know what I'm saying? Like, she is. She was as hands on as anyone could be. And everyone's birthing story is different. So I don't know what your experience is going to be like. We had a very seamless experience, a really great experience in terms of like limited complications. River, you know, like, in terms of breastfeeding was like very. We had very limited issues and it was still nice, I guess, you know, to just have that little bit of help. So, yeah, there's my two cents. And again, like, I completely get where you're coming from and I don't want to doubt your ability, you know, to do what you want to do. I just, I just. As a new parent of racing experience, it just, it, it was not. It was nice. Again, I don't know how Natalie and I could have been more involved and more just like you. Like, I want to take care of and you know, at any time we could even now. And like when river breaks up for an app now they are sometimes racing to the bedroom to see who gets to like take river out of the crib. We're like, we're very excited, involved, happy parents. You know, like, we are very hands on. But it's been nice to have a little bit of help for that one or Two times a day where you're like, you know what? Honestly, I need to rest my. I need to rest my eyes. I need a moment.

[Caller]

You know, I'm open to that consideration. Do you think you have any, like, any advice? If I do want to go ahead and tell her I don't really want her, I would be okay with her coming, like, later on. It's just those first two weeks.

[Nick]

I mean, listen, I don't know the relationship you have with your mom, you know. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're talking to someone who would have no problem going to my parents or, quite frankly, Natalie's mom, and say, hey, listen, you know, granted, when it comes to Natalie's mom, Natalie checks in with me, but Nick Nally is obviously in charge of that relationship, you know, type of thing. And Natalie's mom has never put us in a position where I'd have to, like, say, you know, like, almost kind of like, hey, I'm going to say something type of thing, and, like, almost like, have a confrontational moment. We've never been put in that position. But you are talking to someone who doesn't have a problem doing that. You know what I'm saying? Like, I wouldn't have a problem going to my parents. And ultimately, like, what you need to do is just like, sit mom down and say, hey, Mom, I'm very excited. You're very excited. I'm just going to make, you know, your. Let's say your husband's name is Ben. You know, Ben and I, we're just. This is what we want. Like, this is our plan. These are our goals. When we have our child. This is what we want to do. We'd love you around, but, like, I need to make sure that you're there to allow us to do what we want as new parents and if you're willing to respect those boundaries. But we just don't really want to be, like, fighting with you or, like, competing with you. But who gets, like, baby time if you're willing to be around to help when we need help and kind of get the crumbs, so to speak. Like, then, yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah. Okay.

[Nick]

How pushy do you think your mom's gonna be on this?

[Caller]

I'm just very nervous because she's been so emotional. Every little thing, she cries or she storms out or, like, I. Like, I told her. I've had to tell her several times that I don't want her in the room when I'm giving birth and she, like, cries. So I'm just like, I don't want to hurt her feelings. And, like, I get that it is her grandchild, too, but. But I'm just like, yeah, you know.

[Nick]

You'Re in a tough. You're in a tough spot. I mean, your. Your mom is making this about you. Like, it's not cool. Like, it's not fair. You're. You shouldn't have to worry as a pregnant person. You should not have to be stressed at all about other people's feelings, especially as it rel. Like, how much attention or how much they're being made to be a priority in this birth. I think maybe you play that angle. I don't know. Like, you know your mom. So it's tough for me to, like, other than, like, pointing out the obvious. Like, but maybe you could say mom. Like, I'm spending way too much time. Mom. Worrying about your feelings right now, and it's stressing me out. I want to care about your feelings. You're my mom. I want to see you happy. But, like, I have six weeks left here. It's really important that I'm not stressed out, and I am. So I really need you to just be on board with what I want for my child and our child, and we want you to be a part of it. But, like, you're not the main character here, mom, you know, I don't know. Your mom's giving. Can you have that conversation with your mom?

[Caller]

Not without there being a lot of tears and emotions.

[Nick]

What's your partner's relationship with your mom?

[Caller]

It's good. She really love, like, she loves him, but I wouldn't say they've spent, like, a ton of time together just because we've never lived in the same town.

[Nick]

Would he be comfortable having this conversation with her?

[Caller]

Probably not.

[Nick]

I mean, listen, I just. I am going to keep it real with you. Like, again, I want to recognize that me and Natalie are very lucky when it comes to our parents and what their roles are. Now that you are having a child, you know, you just have a tough choice to make. Unfortunately for you, your mom is making it about her. And, you know, and you're. You know, now that you have a kid, you're going to have to be willing to disappoint mom and not let it bother you.

[Caller]

That's true.

[Nick]

If your mom is going to make you choose between her feelings or your partner's feelings or your child's feelings, personally, I feel like you should be picking not mom, you know, and it's up to mom to make the adjustment. And because you're six months pregnant. I don't want you stressed. I don't want you crying, I don't want you emotional. I don't want you worrying about this. And I kind of honestly feel like this might be a moment for your partner to step up, as awkward as it might be to say, hey, listen, Betty, you're stressing Alex out and like, I know you, I, I know you're excited. I know this is a very exciting time for you. It's exciting time for all of us. But like, you really need to start respecting Alex's wishes here and stop making her feel guilty for doing what she wants. This is her pregnancy. This is our moment. And we love you, but you need to, you need to stop this.

[Caller]

And you think that's appropriate, like, for, like, him to say that to my mom?

[Nick]

Yeah, I mean, respectful, like, yeah, you know, your mom. And then we've talked. You know, if you listen to the show, we talk about this a lot. You know, when we have people call in with issues with their parents, like, it's. Parents really struggle, some more than others, with like, understanding the new boundaries of their parent child relationship. Because your mom is, quite frankly, used to getting her way with you. How old are you again? You're 29.

[Caller]

29.

[Nick]

Okay. I mean, right now you are very kind of accommodating to mom. You know, you're afraid to disappoint mom, and mom knows that, and that's mom's greatest weapon towards you. And I don't know if you're, I don't think your mom's like being, you know, manipulative in a conscious way where she's, you know, But I think she is used to knowing. I think subconsciously she knows that she can guilt you into getting her way for sure. And that's not going to stop until you guys put your foot down.

[Caller]

I feel like she's going to come when the baby's born no matter what. And since she doesn't live close, she's obviously feels like she's going to stay here. You think I should, like, definitely bring this up before that or just at some point? Be like, once she's here, hey, we don't want you to stay. I don't know.

[Nick]

I think you are entitled to ask for whatever you want. This is your first child. This is your baby. This is you and your partner's first experience. I'm sorry that you even have to worry about this. To be honest, it sucks. Unfortunately, you do. But, like, I think it really comes down to your willingness not to give a fuck about mom's feelings. That's what it comes down to. And your mom's going to be okay. You know, like, granted, my family dynamics a little bit different. I have a. My brother just had his first child. You know, he lives in San Diego. My parents live in Wisconsin. But, like, they were. You know, him and his partner were like, we just. We're going to do this. They didn't invite my parents, you know, to be there in the room. It wasn't, you know, my parents were okay with that, but they just weren't invited, you know?

[Caller]

Yeah. And that's how it is for my husband's side. Just because they already have, like, six grandkids, so they also kind of don't really care.

[Nick]

Yeah. But it's. It's still not your mom's first kid, and it's not your mom's moment. This is not about her, you know?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And mom needs to recognize that she is acting like the main character in a situation where she simply is not. And she should not be adding stress to her daughter's life because she's more worried about being in the room.

[Caller]

Yeah. Do you think it would be appropriate or a good idea or an option to have this conversation with her? I'm very close with her best friend. Her daughter was my best friend. So, like, we've been close since forever. If I, like, were to tell her about it and then have her try to talk with my mom about it, or do you think it would be better just coming from me or my husband?

[Nick]

You know your mom best, so that's hard for me to ask. I think you need to get better at confronting mom in general, and that seems to be an issue for you. And until you do, your problems with mom won't go away. That being said, I don't want you stressed about this. So if you. If it will stress you, maybe now is not the time. Six weeks left in your pregnancy to have this big, like, moment with mom. You can always, you know, mom's not going anywhere. You can worry about changing that dynamic later type of thing. You made a little. You made a face when I said, mom's not going anywhere. There's something you're not sharing.

[Caller]

No, I think. No. I mean, she's not, like, leaving my life or anything, but I just feel like I don't. I feel like she's going to be depressed, like, seriously, like, clinically, like, if I do this.

[Nick]

I think your mom's gotten really good at making you feel very guilty about disappointing her. That's what I think.

[Caller]

Yeah, for sure.

[Nick]

Your mom. I mean, again, I am not a therapist. I am not an expert in depression, but you don't get clinically depressed for not getting your way. I don't think. I think there's bigger things at play here than just, like, throwing a temper tantrum. This is a temper tantrum. There's an adult temper tantrum that your mom's throwing, and she can, because, again, she's used to getting her way. She knows it bothers you. She is assuming you'll come around. So you're clearly very uncomfortable with disappointing your mom.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Why?

[Caller]

It's true. Not that I'm not. Not, like, for, I guess, disappointing her, but just, like, I don't want her to be upset and sad because just, like, emotionally, I feel like she's just so sad and like, I don't want her to. Like, she says things like, I'll never. Like some. I feel like I'll never be good enough for you, like, for this situation or whatever. And I'm just.

[Nick]

And does that feel like a reasonable thing for her to say?

[Caller]

No.

[Nick]

There you go. Adults can throw temper tantrums. They do it all the time, especially with their kids. And I know it feels harsh to say, but you. This is. Again, this is that challenge of being the adult, which you are in this adult relationship with. You would ideally have with your mom, but you don't have an adult relationship with your mom. You still have this very child. Adult relationship with your mom. It's mostly your mom's fault because your mom, like. How many. How many siblings do you have?

[Caller]

Just one sister.

[Nick]

Okay. So, you know, your mom has had the benefit of probably not kind of letting that go. You know, I'm the second oldest of 11. When I turned 18, my parents were like, well, good luck, man. I hope we. Hope we didn't fuck you up. We don't have time to, like, helicopter parent you anymore, you know? And so I was lucky that way.

[Caller]

I feel like my sister also is very. She does not care. Like, she's always been like, I'm gonna do what I want, like, whatever. So I've been kind of like, the one that she can. Like, I had the traditional wedding. Like, I have this traditional, like, you know, college boyfriend, married house baby. So I feel like she can kind of like.

[Nick]

But do you hear yourself talking, though? You know, your sister's like, I don't give a fuck. And mom was like, right, well, she doesn't give a fuck. But, like, your sister did what she had to Do. And you need to look at your sister as the blueprint. The only reason your mom continues to do it with you is because, again, you show a willingness to respond. Your sister doesn't respond, and so your mom doesn't do that anymore. You know what I'm saying? It's not a coincidence your mom guilts you like this and doesn't guilt your sister. You know, your mom's not going to your sister and be like, I'm not good enough for you, Right?

[Caller]

No.

[Nick]

Which I don't think you would think, if anyone, she'd be saying that to be your sister. Because you're. You seem to be way more considerate and empathetic to your mom's needs than your sister does.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And yet why is your mom saying it to you? It doesn't make sense. Exactly. So you know what? That's what I'm saying, though. But, like, the more we talk, the more this really comes down to you not being afraid of disappointing moments and not letting her guilt and her temper tantrums. You know, you're legit. You know, you're legitimately worried about your mom slipping into some sort of depression, and that's not fair to you, and that sucks. It's ridiculous that you are. And I'm not trying. I'm not saying that to make you feel ridiculous, but, like, I empathize with you, but it's not normal, and it's something you have to work through. What I don't want is you stressed over this over the last six weeks.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I do think it may not be something that you're used to, and it might not be the dynamics that your. Your partner and your mom have right now. But if you're asking me do I think it's appropriate, hell yeah. I think it's appropriate for your partner to, like, step in and have your back and have you unload some of your worries and stresses onto him because he's not pregnant and he can deal with that while he just says to you, I want you worrying about nothing, about just chilling out, not giving a fudge. You know, I know that's easier said than done with mom, but, like, you really have to go there. Your mom's not going anywhere. But again, she does it because she end. Your mom does it because she knows it bothers you so much that you're willing to, like, call me and ask for advice. And it was really bothering you. You know what I'm saying? Your mom senses that as your mom, she knows you as well as anyone, and she feels that power she has over you, and that's why she does it.

[Caller]

Yeah. I think she also knows that it's a little bit ridiculous because she'll always. She'll say something like, oh, I just need to go to get a therapist. I know it's too much, whatever. And I'm like, yeah.

[Nick]

Do you say that to her or do you just hang on your breath? I've said this more, you know, recently, but it is on you to create the relationship you want with your mom in adulthood. Your mom is never just like your sister did. Your sister said, this is the relationship I want with mom, and she did it. And now mom has no choice but to respect your sister's boundaries. You aren't comfortable with enforcing your boundaries with your mom, and therefore, that's why mom hasn't adjusted her interactions with you.

[Caller]

Yes, I hear you.

[Nick]

You know, but I. I empathize with why it bothers you so much. And, like, obviously you care about your mom and lover, and that's great. You just have to get a little bit better at disappointing Mom.

[Caller]

Yeah. She's going to be coming out here in a couple weeks just to, like, help me get the nursery ready and stuff like that. You think I should just talk with her then or, like, call her before then?

[Nick]

Well, how would you say it?

[Caller]

I feel like I would try first. Maybe just, like, asking her what's her plan? Like, what are you thinking now?

[Nick]

You sound like the girl who's like, so what are we. You know, this is your baby. This is your pregnancy. You. That's. The problem is, like, you have to stop asking mom what she's okay with and hope that you guys are aligned. You need to start telling mom what you're okay with and expecting her to get on board. I think when. If. When mom comes, just enjoy Mom. Do the whole nursery thing. Have her have a blast. I wouldn't bring this up before you get into the nursery. I would do it after you get into the nursery and just have a good weekend or whatever. And then whenever you bring it up, be like, hey, mom, can we talk about just, like, when the baby arrives and this what, you know, me and Ben's expectations are, you know, and what we want, you know, I know you're disappointed in wanting to be in the room. If I change my mind, I'll let you know, but this is something that Ben and I have decided as a couple that we want to do for us, and I'm sorry it's disappointing you, but I really need you as I love You. And it really bothers me when you're sad. I need you to not make me feel guilty about doing what we want as a couple because it's stressing me out, Mom. And I don't think you want to stress me out, and I think you need to play that card with mom. I'm hoping mom's big enough to, you know, if you were to let her. Mom, you're stressing me out. That she would recognize that's the last thing she'd want to do to her first grandchild. And I think you need to. Someone needs to call out mom on her behavior stressing you out, and I think that would be maybe something your partner could do or you. I'm fine with either, but someone needs to. And I'm really. I'm going to give mom the benefit of the doubt that, like, she is too far gone into her feelings to recognize that, but she is smart enough to know that stress of any kind is, like, the number one thing you don't want mom to experience and that you. She's causing you stress because she. You are so worried about not disappointing her. And mom's so willing to let everyone know when she's disappointed. And I really think your partner. If I. If that was happening in our house and you were okay with, like. If Natalie was like, I need money. My mom. To stop, I would jump at the opportunity, and I would be respectful, but I would be like, hey, you need to stop.

[Caller]

I think my husband is. Would be very worried about, like, burning a bridge or something.

[Nick]

Well, your. Your. Your husband's probably following your lead when it comes to the relationship you have with your mom. And you've painted this picture where we can't disappoint mom or Mom's going to cut us off. Like, that's kind of how you talk.

[Caller]

She's definitely not.

[Nick]

Yeah. So, like, stop.

[Caller]

I mean, she's, like, so, like, obsessed with wanting a grandkid and.

[Nick]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller]

I guess sometimes I just feel like maybe she's more, like, excited for the.

[Nick]

Baby because your mom has the benefit of. Of not being pregnant, not having to worry about all the things you have to worry about that comes with it. She just gets to be a grandma. So don't compare your experience to your mom's or anything like that. You know, I just.

[Caller]

And maybe it comes down to also me just feeling like, well, I'm your kid and, like, this is my kid.

[Nick]

So, like, it's true. It is. Yeah. You're not good at standing up to mom, clearly. No, I know, and I think you're questioning some very understandable and normal boundaries you would like to set. And you're not confident in these boundaries because of your relationship with your mom. But I think all the things that you want for yourself when, as it relates to your pregnancy and how you, how you and your partner want to experience, experience that pregnancy and delivery in the days and weeks that follow, whatever you want to do is totally cool and you should do. You know, and everyone else in your circle and your family, they all need to, they, what they should be doing is how can we be a part of this experience for you? What can we do? How do you want us to engage? Of course everyone wants to meet the baby. Your mom's not the only one. It doesn't, she doesn't get like she's not more special because it's her grand, first grandchild and the other family, you know, it's like, and I hope that your mom knows that she feels very.

[Caller]

I feel like she's very jealous with anything. You're doing this for your dad. You're doing this with the other, the in laws. What about me?

[Nick]

So I'm like, I'm willing to bet that you consider your mom's feelings more than any of these other people. She keeps comparing herself to for sure. And I think someone needs to let her know that and check her and be like, mom, we consider your feelings more than anyone else. And whether you, you think that's true or not, that's a fact. And so much so that it's stressing us out. And do you really want to be stressing us out? Like that seems unfair. Mom, I need you to trust us that we are considering your feelings and stop guilting us for doing what we want to do with our child because no one else is. You guys hold all the power and you're not taking advantage of it. What bridge is he going to burn? He is the father of her first grandchild. He's got way more rights than she does and she needs to be reminded of that. His feelings are more important than your mom's. What he wants is more important than your mom's. What you want is more important than your mom's. Like, your mom should just be a grateful bystander who's there to help when you need. And if that's at five in the morning so you guys can sleep in, then great. Mom should be super grateful for that. But mom shouldn't. And you should set that boundary with your mom too. Like, mom, I'm not going to be a perfect parent. We're going to learn along the way. But when I want your input, I'll ask for your input. And I don't want. I don't want to hear your input. I do not want your opinions about how we're raising our daughter. I do want your help, but I will ask for that help. But, like, yeah, again, we're lucky that we didn't have to have that conversation. But I would be willing to have it. And it's an important conversation to have if you're not lucky enough to have parents who are willing to respect those boundaries without the conversation. And it won't change until you do.

[Caller]

I definitely want to have the conversation. I just. I guess I'm just not sure, right, still, if I want to say, I guess we just don't want you here at all, or let's kind of see how it goes.

[Nick]

Well, the bummer for you is it's. It's like you just don't have faith that Mom's going to behave herself. I'm guessing if you had the confidence that your mom would act like Natalie's mom or my parents, then you would let your mom. But you know your mom and you know how she's going to be, and you don't want to be stressed out when your baby arrives. I'm guessing worrying about Mom's feelings constantly. And that's the big. What I'm hearing from you is that's the big reason why you don't want her there.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, because I know you haven't had your first child yet, but I think you get what I'm saying when I say that as much as involved parents as you want to be, someone there to, like, give you five minutes to close your eyes, and even if that's all you need, it will be a huge fucking help. And right now you unfortunately are feeling like you have to decide between that help that would be so beneficial or Mom's constant feelings. And you're just like, I don't know, her feelings are just such a pain in the ass that I'll just. And it sucks that you're in this position, but again, it's not. It's just not going to change until. And I think you say, mom, you do. You go get therapy. You need to tell her. I mean, she's open to it, but, like, this is ridiculous. Mom and I. Someone needs to point out to her right. Right away that her behavior is stressing you out, because I don't think mom wants to do that right she doesn't. No.

[Caller]

I mean, and she said it before, too. Like, you know, I kind of blew up at her once already. Like, I told her, I feel like you're making my pregnancy about you. And she's like, I would never want to do that.

[Nick]

But she is. But you are, Mom. But you are. I know, so stop it. I mean, that's what I'm saying. Like, your mom isn't a child. And while your mom, you know, your mom is going through it right now, and it sounds like your parents are divorced. Right. And so your mom. Okay, but like, again, she is. She is making literally, your pregnancy about her divorce. I mean, she is. She's still competing with attention from your dad. And if her divorce was difficult, I empathize with her. But, like, she's got a deal. And it sounds like you give her way more attention than you give your dad because maybe your dad doesn't need as much. I don't know what you know, but I think mom needs to start hearing some hard truths and she needs to, like, face some reality. And even that means some tough love.

[Caller]

Yeah, I did have a conversation with her already because she wanted two weeks at Christmas, too. And I said. I told her, like, dad can get a week and you can get a week. Like, that's only fair. And she threw fit. And I was like, well, you did that to yourself when you got a divorce. Like, you have to split the dime.

[Nick]

Oh, did she leave him or something?

[Caller]

Well, no, just. I mean, yeah, she did, but it was fine. Like, they were not. They were never really happy together. So I was.

[Nick]

I mean, but like. But do yourself a favor and don't say it like that, you know?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick]

Because, like, that's. She's just going to find that triggering. And that's the point is you don't need to point out the obvious things. Like, mom, don't make me explain to you why I'm going to give my dad and you equal time with their grandchild. Again, your mom reacting the way she did is ridiculous. Your problem is you respond to her ridiculousness. So she's going to be like, this works. What is your. What does your husband think about all this?

[Caller]

My husband thinks that she's a lot. And so having her here would be also a lot. Like, he likes her. It just. Like, when she's here, she's very involved. And let me do this. And let me do, like, what are we doing?

[Nick]

Yeah, I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine. Like I said, we're very lucky to. It's the opposite with us.

[Caller]

And I don't think she would be, like, bad to have. It's just like you said, like, managing her feelings while she's here while we have a brand new baby. I think that might be the biggest thing.

[Nick]

And the energy. You do not want that energy in the house. You know? You know that energy you have in a house where someone's just moping around and they're being passive aggressive. It's fine.

[Alex]

It's fine.

[Nick]

It's fine. The last thing you need is your mom walking around all day huffing and puffing and saying how it's fine when it's not fine.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And you know your mom, and so you're worried about that energy, and that's. That's fair. You gotta point this out to Mom.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

She's it. She's gonna be fine. And you have all the power here. Mom's not gonna slip into a deep, dark depression. She's about to have her first grandchild.

[Caller]

Yeah. You know, so tell her when it.

[Nick]

Gets closer and tell her when you're comfortable. And if you're not. I mean, why? Is your. Is your husband really afraid to say something to her?

[Caller]

He is very. Just, like, he wants to keep our personal business personal. Like, he wouldn't say anything. Like, he doesn't air out any grievances between anyone besides us.

[Nick]

What do you mean, besides us? Like.

[Caller]

Like we'll have disagreements and whatnot together.

[Nick]

Sure.

[Caller]

But if that goes beyond us, like, he's not okay with that. So I feel like it's hard for him to do, like, confrontation.

[Nick]

Someone's got to. I don't know. This problem doesn't go away until someone puts their foot down with Mom.

[Caller]

Yeah. It'll end up being me. I know. Which is fine.

[Nick]

Yeah. But only if you can get to the point when it sounds like you're a bit away from that, where you can do it without it really affecting you.

[Caller]

Yeah. I was gonna say it certainly will, but I feel like, as you said, like, I should set up the boundaries now at least, because what happens, like, in a year when she's one and my mom wants to take her for two weeks and go on a vacation with the baby and I need to be able to tell her no. Probably.

[Nick]

I mean, the fact that your mom. You're not gonna want. That's.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And if. Are you really. Would you have a hard time? That's a no.

[Alex]

No.

[Nick]

No.

[Caller]

I'm just saying, like, if there's. If something else comes up where, you know, I'm going to a wedding in May or whatever and she's like, let the baby come stay with me. I'm probably not comfortable with that.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And you shouldn't be able to just tell her that.

[Nick]

Yeah. And that should be easy for you.

[Caller]

Yeah. It's not, but we'll work on it.

[Nick]

That's why your mom's so okay with asking for the ridiculous.

[Caller]

And she knows that it, like I feel like she knows those emotions and.

[Nick]

Stuff are ridiculous, but, but you respond to them, so.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

The blueprints there, I mean your sister, everything you said about her, like it's. Are you in therapy as it relates to your mom?

[Caller]

No. I probably should be.

[Nick]

Yeah. There's something going on that you, you know, I don't know what it is. Maybe you're. When did your parents get divorced?

[Caller]

I was 16.

[Nick]

Okay. I don't know, maybe that affected you in a way or maybe you were just worried about picking sides and disappointing mom and dad. I don't know. But like, your fear of disappointing your mom seems slightly unhealthy, you know? You know, I'm not trying to come down on you, but like as a 29 year old woman, you should not be this afraid to set some very reasonable boundaries with mom. And your mom seems way too comfortable asking for real unrealistic things. And it seems very clear that she's able to do that because you've, she just knows you won't push back and that she, she sees in you the disappointment that you have with disappointing her and that is why she does what she does. It's no different than when your daughter gets older. If you and your husband allow your daughter or your child to do what they want, you're going to be dealing with someone at a certain age who is going to act out and is going to be spoiled and is going to throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way. Your mom is just an adult version of that right now.

[Caller]

Yeah, I feel like she's, she's very loving like she.

[Nick]

I'm sure she is. Yeah, I'm sure she's great. Yeah, she'll be a great, I'm sure.

[Caller]

She'Ll be a great grandparent and everything.

[Nick]

Yeah, I'm sure she. Yeah, she will. But she is always going to ask for more from you in any situation she wants more and that's usually going to come in the form of time and attention or time with her grandchildren and she will throw a fit every time she doesn't get her way and have. And that will Be an emotional burden on you until you're able to confront mom without it really affecting you all that much. And it sounds like maybe you could talk with someone and work on why you feel the way you do when it comes to your relationship with mom. And there clearly is some kind of mental hurdle that you have or some like subconscious fear.

[Caller]

Not that I feel like she cut us off, but. And like it sounds bad, but I just like I don't want anything to happen to her. Like she gets too upset. I don't know.

[Nick]

I hear you. Your. Your mom's. Your mom's done a number on you.

[Caller]

Dramatic. She's a little dramatic.

[Nick]

I guess you're not alone. I'm guessing there's a lot of people listening right now. When they do listen to it, I recognize that I'm. I've been very lucky and Natalie's been very lucky when it comes to that. And I know most parents, not even some, most are probably similar to yours and they are to mine and Natalie's. But it's up to you. This ain't changing unless you do something about it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Because mom's not.

[D]

I liked it.

[Nick]

Yeah. Mom, how overall she is. Now. She might get into therapy, but she probably won't get into therapy until you insist she gets into therapy or something. It's going to have to feel like quote unquote, rock bottom. But I don't think. Not that I know anything about your mom, but I'm going to go ahead and guess that mom is not going to be so self centered that she is going to create some sort of mental health crisis on her end as a result of her not getting your way. I don't think your mom would be that selfish.

[Caller]

I don't think she would either. But I do get every couple comments. Sometimes I'm like, it just makes me nervous.

[Nick]

No, she says it because you react.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

She doesn't say it to your sister.

[Caller]

Well. Or she doesn't just rolls off. She doesn't care.

[Nick]

And, and as your, you know, your mom's stealing your sister's life as much as your sister allows it. And when you disappoint your mom, you just follow up. Be like, mom, sorry for disappointed. I love you. I'm always here. I will always be here. I'm always there for you. I'm sorry this is upsetting you. I still love you. When you're ready to talk, I'm here. But this is how it's going to be and you have to really, you got to assume the role almost as A parent here when it comes to your mom, like, good practice for you.

[Caller]

Yeah, well, maybe I'll tell her, hey, I'm going to get into therapy. Like you should do.

[Nick]

Sure. But you don't. Shouldn't have to do it just to get your mom into it. Sounds like maybe you could benefit from it. There is something going on with you and mom. I don't know what it is. So, yeah, I hope this was helpful. I don't know, but I would love for your husband to maybe also be willing to. I think you two, as a team, as a couple, need to sit down and say, hey, we have a problem. Problem's mom. We love mom, but she is causing stress. Neither of us want this stress. So as a couple, what should we do about it? Should you talk to her? Should he talk to her? I don't know. You guys just to be a team, decide together, remind each other this is your experience, that all that really matters is what you want and need and what he wants and need and what your child needs. That's all that matters. And everything else is irrelevant and insignificant. And you are going to make sure that Graham, all the grandparents and the siblings and whoever wants to share in your experience will be able to share in that experience. But when you guys are ready, and you shouldn't have to worry about when that time is, you'll be ready when you're ready. And none, you know, and you guys need to remind each other of that so that you can have each other's backs when other people don't want to respect that boundary. And you can support each other when one of you needs to enforce that boundary with someone you know, because you're going to have each other's backs. So if one of you, whoever it is, decides to confront mom, the other person's saying, we're doing the right thing. We have each other's backs. We're here to support each other. You know, what do you need? Like, if it's your husband who confronts mom, then you're just like, just, you know, you're doing this for me. Thank you. I have, you know, I have your back. I'm giving you kind of permission because it is your mom. And if it's you, then your husband's there to have your back, saying, your mom will always love you. She's not going anywhere, your mom, you know, just kind of all the things I'm saying to reinforce that it's going to be okay. You guys need to really be there for each other and support each other because all this other thing, all these other things can be daunting.

[Caller]

I think that's a really good way to approach it with him too, because I know that's like all he wants is like to support me. And I know he would. If it ever came down to like in the moment something was happening, I know he would say something, but I'm not so sure about ahead of time.

[Nick]

But.

[Caller]

And I do feel like I, I should have the conversation with her.

[Nick]

What if you, you know, I wrote her a letter, you know, and just like, mom, this is how I'm feeling. I. Because you are, you are six weeks out from having a baby. You know, like everyone in the world, even like 18 year old boys know that pregnant women shouldn't be stressed out. You know what I'm saying? Everyone knows pregnant women shouldn't be stressed out. And your mom must know that on some level this is causing you stress. She's certainly not thinking about it right now. She is so caught up into being the victim in this whole little story right now. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. It hasn't crossed her mind. But someone, I think at a minimum someone needs to point out that her putting her needs as a first time grandma ahead of even you as a first time mom is causing you stress. And whether, and whether or not she wants to do that, she is in fact doing that and someone needs to point that out. I honestly think your husband would be the perfect person.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Nick]

It's his kid, he's as involved as you are. And it's kind of a moment for be like, hey, you know, and you doing it's only going to cause you more stress. You shouldn't have to fight with your mom right now. I'll do it. Give me.

[Caller]

Well, I was going to say maybe I'll maybe have my sister talk with her and just say that part and then I'll have the. I, I definitely want to have a conversation with her in general. But just to say like, you are just so, you know, like, even though you don't want to be stressing her.

[Nick]

Out, you are kind of are not kind of.

[Caller]

You are, you are.

[Nick]

She, you know you are. And if mom, if you could stop. If you're, if I'm your sister, point out mom, if you could just stop reacting to being disappointed every time you do, you're gonna get more time. But right now Alex is so worried about you doing what you do that you're stressing her out. And like if you're going to make Alex choose Between being stressed and you being around, she's going to choose not being stressed. And doesn't that suck that you're putting her in that position? So stop making her feel bad for giving her dad time to her grandchild. Equal time, mind you, Mom.

[Caller]

Not even less, probably.

[Nick]

Yeah. Stop feeling bad that, like, Ben and Alex have decided for themselves that they want to be a couple when their baby is born. Stop making Alex feel bad for whatever is she wants. It's her goddamn pregnancy.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, and, yeah, maybe your sister is a good one to do that if.

[Caller]

If she'd feel very comfortable.

[Nick]

Yeah. And then your sister could be like, do not call Alex and. Because that's what mom's going to want to do. Why did you have your t to tell me? And your sister needs to be like, don't fucking do it, Mom. I mean, if your sister wants to be the bad guy here, let her be the bad guy. Eventually, yes, you need to. You need to face mom. But maybe now is not the time because of the time you're in. But, like, let your sister be the bad guy. But you have. You have to at least give yourself permission not to care. You can't be calling up your sister. Be like, is mom okay? How did she act? Is she going to be okay? Your mom's going to be fine.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Nick]

And if your sister doesn't want to do it, send me mom's number. I'll give her a call.

[Caller]

I'll just send her.

[Nick]

All right. I really want you to enjoy this. This should be a really beautiful and exciting time for you. This is not shit you should be stressed or worried about.

[Caller]

No, I'm very excited. I've always wanted to be a mom.

[Nick]

All right? And if. That being said, if we can fix this and whoever, Whether it's mom or someone else, if you can get those couple hours of sleeping in, I tell you, it was such a game changer to be able to sleep in for a couple hours. It was really nice. Well, congratulations. Go enjoy these last six weeks. I look forward to the day that you can adjust your relationship with your mom. You and your husband have all the power, are in total control, and the. And it just comes down to you guys recognizing that and taking advantage of that. Mom has no power or. Or control over your pregnancy, your child, or your relationship unless you allow her to have it.

[Caller]

Right.

[Nick]

Okay, well, keep us posted. You know, if you need another pep talk, we. I'm happy to help, but you should be thinking about your nursery or whatever and. What? Anything. Anything. But this you should not be worried about this. This is shouldn't. And you are. And that sucks. And someone needs to point that out to Mom. I do think your sister is probably a good person to do this. All right, good luck.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Nick]

All right, take care.

[Caller]

All right, thanks.

[Nick]

Bye. Bye.

[Caller]

Bye.

[Nick]

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[Alex]

Good.

[Nick]

How are you? Good. What's your name?

[D]

My Name's Alexis. I'm 32 years old.

[Nick]

How can we help Alexis?

[D]

So I'm having trust issues with my best friend and I'm wondering if I can repair our friendship.

[Nick]

How long you guys been best friends?

[D]

Over 20 years now.

[Nick]

20 years. Okay. Why do you have trust issues?

[D]

It's a long story, but she's been this last year hiding some things from me and it's become more obvious lately.

[Nick]

What do you think she's hiding?

[D]

She's been seeing this guy for about six months and called things off in August. But I have suspicions that they're seeing each other again, but she's actively hiding it from me.

[Nick]

Why do you think she's hiding it?

[D]

I honestly don't know.

[Nick]

Do you not like him?

[D]

I've never voiced anything in any way about him because I've never met him personally. So any concerns I've expressed, I've tried to do so delicately, but she can be kind of defensive.

[Nick]

How old are you again?

[D]

32.

[Nick]

Okay, you don't trust her. Does that have. Does this all start with this guy or they're Several other instances where you realize she might not be that upfront with you.

[D]

I would say more so this year. I think it started with this situation because we've always been super transparent with each other, and we've both been in toxic relationships in the past, so we've helped each other work through those things and really, you know, seen all sides, and we've never, to my knowledge, hidden anything from each other.

[Nick]

And so why are you worried that this is gonna ruin your friendship?

[D]

I think for me, I have trust issues from some of the things I've been through that I've really tried to work through in therapy. And for me, it's the lying and hiding. So somebody, like, actively taking extra steps to continue a narrative that's untrue. That's what really hurts me.

[Nick]

Okay. All right. Well, thank you for the information. I'm going to say some things. Feel free to interrupt if it's not resonating with you.

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Couple things that you said that. I feel like I have a different POV than you might have. Right. You mentioned this person is someone you've been best friends for 20 years. You're 32 years old. You've known her since she was. You were 12 years old. So this is essentially like a sibling to you.

[D]

Yeah. We call each other family.

[Nick]

There you go. And I think that's important to remember because, like, you know, I always say it's like, you don't pick your family. You pick your friends, so to speak. Right now, she is a friend. You picked her. But for 20 years, so much of your friendship is based off this history, you know what I'm saying? You've been in each other's lives, but your friendship when you guys were 14, that has really no bearing on your friendship today, you know what I'm saying? But I guess my point is, like, siblings, I'm always going to love my siblings. I always be there for them. I may not be as close with some of them at times. We might go through periods of, like, disconnect or fighting or just we might lose touch for a period of time. They might change a little bit. They might get into things, you know, hobbies, or, you know, they might make friends where we lose a little bit of touch or whatever, you know what I'm saying? But we'll always be family, and we'll always find our way back to each other. And I think a friend that you've had for over 20 years, I think you have to, like, be a little bit more realistic with your overall expectations of this. Friendship. This is not someone you met six months ago or 12 months ago, where you, like, you know, became friends with, and you were kind of inseparable, you know, for like, six months. And you went around telling everyone you guys were best friends, and then they did some weird shit, and you're thinking, wait, I mean, I know we've been inseparable for six months, but, like. Like, this is kind of weird behavior. And, like, should I be as close with this person as I want to be? Like, that's not what's going on with your friend. You've known this person for almost their entire life, her entire adult life. So you give that person a little bit more grace, you know what I'm saying? So here you are having experience, lies and deceit with other, I'm guessing, romantic partners or toxic relationships. Your friend, for whatever reason, is dating someone that you're not even sure why, but is, like, not being. Is forthcoming with you as you wish she was or you expect her to be. I don't know if that's quite the same. You know what I'm saying? Like, I guess my point is, like, there have been plenty of times where I was like, I don't need to tell my sibling this. I don't owe this them this information. I don't want them to know. I don't know why I don't want them to know. I don't even feel like I need to explain myself. I just don't want to tell them. And I feel like a friendship of 20 years. Your friend is entitled to make that decision, right or wrong, when it comes to whether she wants you to know something or not know something. And that doesn't make her right. It doesn't mean she's. Maybe she's dating an asshole. Maybe you, you know, whatever. But my point is, there's a reason why she's doing it. I don't know what the reason is. Definitely want to find out. But having an idea of, like, I don't know if I could be friends with her, you know, and that's not the same as her, like, lying to you, per se. Am I making sense? I'm thinking this more like a sibling relationship, and it's just more like her not telling you isn't necessarily the same as her lying to you, I guess.

[D]

How would you perceive it if, like, I've directly asked questions, but then I know that she's coming up with stories to cover it?

[Nick]

So maybe you say, hey, listen, Becky, I love you. We've been friends our whole life. You know, trust is a big deal to me. I'm just sensing there's things you just. You don't seem to want to tell me. That's what I'm saying. It's like you have to figure out what she's comfortable sharing with you, and then you have to respect that boundary. Right now you have an expectation that she owes you some information that clearly she's not comfortable, for whatever reason, to tell you, but you are still. You're basically like, well, we're best friends. You need to tell. Tell me everything. And she's not telling you. And now you're taking it as deceit or lies or her, you know, that you can't trust her. And she's just like, I don't know. I don't want to tell her for whatever reason. And she doesn't necessarily need a reason. She can. She's allowed to not tell you.

[D]

I get that. I think for me, because we talk almost daily, so it's really hard in our daily conversations for me to act like nothing's happening because I'm pretty transparent person and I don't want to be fake or, you know, tiptoe around stuff.

[Nick]

So you say, hey, listen, like, I don't want to pry about topics that you're not comfortable telling me. I just don't want you to lie to me. And I am comfortable with respecting your privacy and your boundaries. But just tell me what you want and not want to tell me sometimes. And it's not an excuse, but sometimes. Why do people often lie? I'm sure you've heard this before. I don't want to tell you because I didn't want to upset you. And while, again, that's not valid, maybe there's some element of disappointment your friend thinks you're going to have by her sharing her truth with you. And she's just decided it's easier not to tell you or to, like, avoid the truth. So as a friend, maybe you can make her feel more comfortable with being like, listen, if there's things you don't want me to know, that's okay. This is your life. It's your boundaries. As your best friend, I'm just here to receive all the information you want to tell me, and I hope that you want to tell me everything. But I will say, sometimes as friends, we paint this, you know, like couples. It's just like some. We don't want to disappoint our friends. We don't want to disappoint our family. Family don't want to disappoint our partners and sometimes along the line, we tell each other everything. We're best friends, we're inseparable. And now because you have set this expectation with your friend five years ago, whenever it was, she thinks, well, I have to tell her everything. You know what I'm saying? So as your relationship evolves, your relationship is not the same it was when you guys were 14 or 16 or 22 or 23. It's constantly changing and friendships of 20 years, just like romantic relationships of 20 years, you guys will both change. You have to check in with each other. You have to check in with how you guys are the same, how you're different, how you can support each other as your friends. Now as 32 year old women and that might be different as 22 year old women and just have these conversations, but you, I feel like giving your friend the green light and permission to not tell you things and you're all comfortable with that and you are here when she wants to tell you things. You just know her like you said and you just don't want to feel like you're lying to her or telling the truth. Just be like, hey, listen, I am seeing someone right now. I don't really want to open up right now. And if you can show her that you're okay with that, then maybe she'll be more honest with you.

[D]

That makes a lot of sense. I appreciate your perspective on that. I guess my other concern is that if I do bring it up, like I definitely want to do it in the way that you're saying. We don't live in the same city, so I don't know the best way to go about it. And I also don't know how to handle it if she continues to kind of act like it's not happening.

[Nick]

You can distance yourself. Well, one, I mean, I don't know, I'd FaceTime her. I'd call her up, call her or FaceTime her. I wouldn't do it over text.

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I wouldn't wait till you're in person. I don't think this needs to be that serious. If you have this conversation with your friend and she can, and she continues to play dumb and she doesn't do what you ask, which is to just communicate and be a friend and she doesn't give you the opportunity to show her that you're okay with whatever she is willing to share. Again, if you don't want to tell me things, just tell me you don't want to tell me. I'll be fine. I'll be okay. I just don't want to feel like you're lying to me and that you're afraid of telling me the truth or for whatever the reason. I just. Whatever the truth is. And maybe that truth is, I don't want to tell you right now. You know, if she keeps lying, then you can pull back again like she's just been in your life for 20 years. You know, if your sis. I don't. Do you have siblings?

[D]

Yeah, I do.

[Nick]

All right, so if one of your siblings was doing this, you wouldn't be calling me up and being like, well, I'm deciding whether I should make them not my sibling anymore. You know what I'm saying? Like, she is your family. So if she does this, you can say, well, I know you're not being upfront with me, so when you're ready to be upfront with me, give me a call. I'm. I love you. I'm here for you. But, like, I'm. I'm just a little heartbroken, and you're not. You just have to be. Just be honest. Give her the honest communication that you want from her. So just be honest with her. I feel less close with you now. I feel. It's. It's weird to talk to you every day when I know you're just not sharing stuff with me. So just be honest with her, you know, Just talk.

[D]

I think that's. I think that's where it hurts is just. I think at a certain extent, I start to take it personally, because now it's been going on for about a month and a half, and so it's giving me the anxiety. I'm marinating on it. So I think this is a really good approach.

[Nick]

Yeah. You have to stop making this about you and your feelings and how what you think you're entitled to when it comes to this friend. I don't know why your friend's doing what she's doing it. She's doing it for a reason. I don't necessarily a good reason, but there is a reason. And you guys are going through this weird period that for whatever reason, she doesn't feel, like, comfortable telling you. So, like, you just have to let her know through conversation why you're disappointed, what you would like her to do, and just give her a little bit of time to do it. You know, I don't think you have to issue threats or ultimatums. You could just be like, all right, well, again, I just. Whenever you're ready to just start telling me things, just let me know.

[D]

I'm here when you're ready, essentially.

[Nick]

Yeah. And then, you know, but then you have to stand by what you're saying. You can't say, I'm here when you're ready, and then feel a certain way every day she's not ready.

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And take it personally or make it about you and start over. You know, it's just like, you know, a friend of 20 years, you guys are going to go through shit and you're not. You know, it's like best friends of 20 years, you're going to make other friends. You're going to. She's going to make other, you know, but you'll always come back to each other.

[D]

That makes sense when you compare it to a sibling too, because it's like my brother and I have had those moments and you never see them differently. And I see what you're saying, where we'll always be that person in each other's life regardless of what happens. I'm just not used to having these types of things pop up, like with us or specifically in this friendship.

[Nick]

Yeah. So just have that talk with her. You know, it's not like she's sleeping with a married man and lying to everyone and doing low character things that you know of at least or whatever. You know, it's just like she just. I don't know, maybe she's. Who knows why she doesn't want to tell you. But I think part of the problem is you take it personally and you're angry and like, now you're mad. And I think you're making a slightly bigger deal than it needs to be.

[D]

Yeah, I think I need to stop marinating on it.

[Nick]

Yeah. This is helpful.

[D]

I appreciate that. Thank you. I think it's helpful. I think I have a step forward. I am not good with confrontation, so I just get really anxious, like, having these conversations. So if you have any tips on like, how to, I guess, stay confident when you are having these types of conversations.

[Nick]

I don't know if you have to worry about staying confident. You just have to focus on getting out what you want out, out. So write it down. First of all, you know, like, I.

[D]

Don'T want to come across judgmental or upset or things along those lines. Like you're saying, just be like, listen.

[Nick]

There'S an elephant in the room. I just feel like there's things you don't tell me anymore. And honestly, that is okay. If there's things you're not comfortable telling me, that's okay. I just. It just really upsets me when I feel like, you're. You're lying to me. You're not being truthful. I'd rather have you just tell me. Hey, I'm not ready to share this with you right now because I just don't want you to feel like you're being dishonest with me. I'd rather have you just not tell me something you're not ready to tell me. And just let me know that and I will respect your wishes. You know, I'm here if you need. I'm here whenever you need. I want to be your supporting friend, but that's the thing where you have to, like, find that, like, line, which is like, being a supporter friend doesn't entitle you to be that supportive friend to. Every time they need support.

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, they might go to someone else for support, and it doesn't make you less best friends. You know what I'm saying? Like, you, that's where you're almost like, this is my job and I want to do that. And why it's like, you know.

[D]

No, I get what you're saying.

[Nick]

So, yeah, like, try to make it less confrontational, for one. Write down what you want to get out so that you are clear that you can get it out, that you don't forget it. Don't make it that complicated, you know, and it doesn't have to be confrontational.

[D]

Maybe I can just do a virtual wine night and take the edge off a little, and we can have a conversation type thing.

[Nick]

Yeah. But just, you know, do it before you guys get drunk and sensitive. But, yeah, listen, lead with love. Lead with your feelings. Don't, you know, express your feelings without trying to make her feel guilty for the feelings that you have. Let her know that her feelings are okay and valid.

[D]

And I think I need to express, too. Like, I just want you to know that you can come to me. Like, I'm not here to judge you.

[Nick]

But the important thing. Thing is letting her know. It's also okay if you don't.

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I just don't want you to lie to me because you're afraid that I'll be mad if you don't want to tell me things, but because we talk as much as we do and we're in each other's lives as much as we are. I just. I do need you to let me know so that I'm not worried about you, that you don't want to tell me something because, like, I kind of know what's going on in your life, and then it makes me feel like you're lying to me when you pretend there's nothing going on on. So like, if you don't want to tell me who you're seeing or what's going on, your romantic. That's fine, just tell me. You're just not ready to tell me right now.

[D]

That's perfect. That's exactly what I needed to hear. I really appreciate this.

[Nick]

But then it's on you to actually be okay with that.

[D]

Yeah, which I have to be able to stand by what I'm saying.

[Nick]

Yeah. And that will be a weird for you because you're, you're going to, you're going to feel a certain way, especially if she's like, well, I don't want to tell you right now. And your first instinct is to be like, well, why not?

[D]

Because we're always unfiltered. So it's like, it's this new kind of like filter, essentially.

[Nick]

Do you have any idea who this person is that she's seeing?

[D]

Yeah. And I've never met them, but I know that it's due to certain professional relationships as to why he didn't want it known in the first place, but I knew about it all along.

[Nick]

So you're saying that you already suspect that you think the reason why she's not telling one is because he's being secretive?

[D]

Yeah, he wants it to be secretive.

[Nick]

So there, I mean, so now you already know the why.

[D]

But it, I guess this is the complicated part, is she was upfront with me from the very beginning through all of that until going back, I guess at some point.

[Nick]

Sure. But again, if, if, if you're accurate in your assumption, he's like, listen, maybe the reason they stopped hanging out to begin with is because he felt like too many people were finding out. He got uncomfy, they broke up, got back together, and they made some sort of promise to each other that they were just going to not tell anyone and keep the pressure off. And she is trying to respect his boundary.

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And that boundary makes you feel like it's coming in conflict with your relationship. So that's where again, you have to let her know. It's just like, listen, whatever the reason is, just know that I'm here and if you don't want to tell me, that's fine.

[D]

But thank you.

[Nick]

It sounds like this all kind of makes sense.

[D]

No, I think you helped me connect some dots and to just kind of make it a little simpler than I've made it in my mind because I can make things feel debilitating even though they're not such a big deal.

[Nick]

Yeah. Don't let the. I guess the entitlement you feel with this friend make you feel like you are owed more than you're owed or that you're. That you're. You know. Also, like, don't let it make you feel like your friend is someone she's not. I mean, you started this call by, like, wondering if you can even trust her, if she's a different person. Person.

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Sounds to me there's a chance she's just trying to respect her boyfriend's boundary. And maybe it's a unhealthy boundary. Maybe he's an. Maybe there's a really unhealthy reason why he's asked to keep a secret. I don't know, and either do you. But as far as your friend is concerned, it sounds like there's a good chance she's just trying to do right by him. And that doesn't mean she's dishonest or a liar or that you can't trust her.

[D]

That makes sense. Just because she's doing right by him doesn't mean she's necessarily trying to do wrong by me.

[Nick]

Well, yeah. And let's be real here. It's just like, what's your. Are you in a relationship?

[D]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay. Either way, when you guys get into your relationships, you know, you guys have other priorities other than each other, you know, and sometimes your. Each other's friendships won't always be number one. And you're gonna. You're both gonna have to adjust to that. And the way to adjust to that while continuing to stay close is to communicate as things change.

[D]

That makes a lot of sense.

[Nick]

All right, thank you.

[D]

Thanks for helping simplify it.

[Nick]

Anytime. All right, take care.

[D]

Appreciate it.

[Nick]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[D]

Bye.

[Nick]

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[Alex]

Going good. How are you?

[Nick]

Good. What's your name?

[Alex]

I'm Alex. I'm 30.

[Nick]

Nice to meet you, Alex. How can we help?

[Alex]

So my friend, I believe, stole from me, and I'm not sure how to confront her.

[Nick]

What makes you think she stole from you? What did she steal? How much was it? Oh, my God.

[Alex]

Yeah, so I. As of yesterday, I believe it's three pairs of sunglasses. So what happened was we went on a trip over the weekend. She drove to my house, I drove us in my car. The weekend was great. When we got back, though, it was like a long car ride. I was like, I'm gonna run inside and pee, like, all these things. Like, I gotta run in. I'm gonna come back out for my stuff. I was kind of rushing, and she was like, no problem, no problem. Everything's all good. So my fiance cleaned my car. The next day when I come back in, I had three pairs of sunglasses. I don't know why I need that many, but I have three pairs in my center front console, and there was only one pair there. So I texted him, like, hey, where'd you put all my extra stuff when you did my car? And he was like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, I had like three pairs of sunglasses here. And he was like, no, there was just the one. And I'm like, that doesn't make sense. Like, did you throw it out? And he was like, no, I mean, like, did your friend borrow them on your trip? And I said, no. But then I was like, oh, my God. But when we got home, like, I went in to go to the bathroom. Like, she was unattended. Like, that had to have been what happened. And then I thought to myself, I was like, okay, that's two pairs. And then I was like, ooh, you have that really cute pair in the center Too, like you should check. And I looked and there's a third pair that's also gone. So like, definitely disappointing obviously because this has been a friend of mine for a long time.

[Nick]

Oh, time out though, like, yeah, I'll be honest, if I had three sunglasses in my car that went missing, I would never think to like think it's my friends who stole them. Like, what even makes you think that your friend would do this? And maybe you're like the most mindful person where she always knows where her stuff is. And I would say that because it's like, I don't know, I lose shit all the fucking time and it's like God only knows where it is. The last thing I do would be blame a long time friend for stealing them rather than maybe I just kind of don't know where I put them. But you seem, I'm pretty confident that your friend stole them and I'm just curious as to why.

[Alex]

Yeah. So I would say I'm very observant. And these three pairs have lived in the front of my car since like August. Like they have not left, they. I have not taken them out. I've worn like I've like they've been living there and then all of a sudden they weren't. And magically after like the one time I had someone else in my car, they happened to not be there. And so what I kind of. And this friend, what I will say we've been friends since a long, long time. We did room together in college where you know, she, she had her own kind of things that she was going through. And so this is not necessarily maybe the first time things have gone missing.

[Nick]

But like again, she was a roommate. So like are we calling this stealing or is this. Or is she borrowing without permission?

[Alex]

So we, I wouldn't say we hang out enough that, that it's like a borrow situation. Like we hang out maybe once a month and we sometimes keep in touch by text. It's kind of one of those like low maintenance friends where we keep in touch, we sometimes hang out, but like we're not on a basis where it's like, oh, I'll borrow this and I'll see you next weekend kind of a thing.

[Nick]

Well, I know how you should handle. I think you reach out to her and you say, hey, I think you might have accidentally took my glasses by mistake.

[Alex]

So I did that because I was like, I need her to know I know I sent that text and then I didn't get a response. I sent that at like 8:00 one night. I didn't get a response until, like, 11:30 the next day. And it was just like, no, like, haven't seen them. Like, ugh, that's the worst. And I was like, yeah, that is weird. But, like, the other thing I thought about, too, that I noticed is the other thing that, like, now that I'm looking back and maybe I'm reading too much into it. When I had gotten back in my car later that day after we got back, there was a piece of, like, one of my. Like, an envelope from my glove box was on the floor of my passenger seat. And, like, I don't have anything in the passenger side. So I was like, that's weird. How did that fall out? And I just, like, put it back in. But my fiance was like, she's definitely rifling through your shit. Like, she definitely went in the front, took the glasses, and then I had a different. Like, there's no way. Through your glove box.

[Nick]

Yeah, I also. Again, I don't know where you live. I live in Los Angeles, so if I don't lock my car door, like, at any point, some random fucking person would, you know, will go through your car.

[Alex]

No. Yeah. I live in a. I live in a nice, nice suburban area. I would be very shy. I live in a townhouse, like, right near. Like, there's, like, old people live around me. Like, it would be pretty shocking for someone to go. It just is the timing. Like, I know for a fact I had them.

[Nick]

How much do these glasses cost?

[Alex]

Are these, like, listen, this is not. This is no Louis Vuitton. Like, you know, at the end of the day, like, I got some Gooder.

[Nick]

Glasses you can get for $25. Yeah.

[Alex]

Because I'm. I'm like, listen, at the end of the day, like, this is not a designer pair of sunglasses. But it's. I just feel like it's the principle. Like, you don't. Like. Like, you shouldn't steal from people, let alone three pairs of sunglasses that, like, I know for a fact I keep in my car because they live there, you know?

[Nick]

Like, then I think. I feel like you've done what you can do, and if you really are. If you're that confident that she did this, then not a friend.

[Alex]

Like, so that's. I guess my question is, like, now that I've kind of gave her the opportunity to say, like, oh, yeah, let me double check. Like, you know, I feel like I gave her the opportunity to, like, be like, yeah, let me double check. You know, feel the guilt. And then Be like, oh, my God. Yeah, they must have fallen in here. But we didn't do that. So my. I guess I'm wondering, like, do I just, you know, I already, like, don't see this person on a regular basis. Do I just keep that person at an arm's length until they reach out to me? But then part of me is like, I mean, she probably won't reach out to me. Obviously, we're not that good a friend. But I will say I did post some. Some photos recently, and we commented on those, like, oh, my God, like, so awesome. And I was like, so I'm just like, if this person texts me to hang out, like, do I, like, do I just, like, let this. Let this kind of go? Keep her at a distance? Do I not have it? Like, is this not a friend? Like, I, you know, So I guess I'm just more like, if that person does reach out, because I'm certainly not going to make the initiative anytime soon.

[Nick]

You seem convinced that she took these glasses, right?

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

So we can only sit there. We can only trust your gut here.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

If I were in your shoes, and for whatever reason that you are convinced she took them, if I were as convinced as you that someone stole from me and then I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt by texting them and being like, hey, I think you accidentally took my glasses. And then they. I denied it and lied about it. And I was convinced, as you are convinced, that she's lying about it, I would be like, this is not a friend. You know what I'm saying? Like, what? If you're so convinced she did this, then clearly this isn't someone you want to be around or having your life. Right. Like, I don't. Like, yeah, I would never think someone I'm friends with would do this. But you are convinced. So, like, I feel like the answer is kind of obvious and is kind of presents itself or is, if you really think she did this, then she's not a friend, you know, and. Or someone that you honestly, like, at this point in your life, do you need someone who's this, I don't know, dramatic or problematic or shady or, you know, like, if this person truly can steal from you and lie about it, she's not your friend. Why would you want to hang around with someone like this at this stage in your life?

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know.

[Alex]

Oh, yeah. 100. Yeah. No, 100%. And so I guess. Guess, you know, because, like, from talking with people, they're like, oh, my God, just, like, get over it. Or whatever this or that. And so it is disappointing just obviously because we've been friends for probably like over 10. Over 10 years. And so I will say I'm surprised because in college when we had a few snafus, like, we've had many apart to hearts after where she acknowledged like, you know, she had her own shit going on. She wasn't a good friend to me. Like, I was like, you know, she's acknowledged in the past, like, those things and we've worked through that and she seemed. Seems like she's in a really good place now. But I guess obviously not, you know, to be. Or maybe you have like a sticky fingers habit. I don't know. But I guess I'm just gonna.

[Nick]

Well, it's just weird. It's just weird, right? More than anything, it'd be weird if she did this. It's just weird.

[Alex]

Yeah. And I mean, listen, I looked. I looked literally everywhere. Like, there's like my, like my fiance. We looked through the car, we looked through the bat. Like, literally everything. He was like. Like, she 100%, like, rifle through your shit and whatever. So I guess I'll do, you know, just keep her at an arm's length. And I guess I just wonder if she does text me again. Like, hey, like, do I just ignore it? Do I just. Well, yeah, like, I'm busy, you know.

[Nick]

I would just ignore.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Unless. Or confront her. One, two.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

If you're so convinced, why don't you just be like, I know you took it. It's weird.

[Alex]

Yeah, I guess I just feel like obviously that's, like, uncomfortable to be like, hey, I know I already asked you and you said no, but I know you did anyway. Well, if you're so convinced, it's like, ultimately, yeah.

[Nick]

If, you know, direct. If, you know she did it and you're one. Like, the risk here is like, you're wrong. Yeah, the risk is like, despite you looking and being as convinced as you are that there is something you haven't considered or thought of or something happened that you didn't think was possible, but it did and it wasn't her, you know?

[Alex]

Yeah. I mean, that would be crazy. But, hey, you never, you know, that could be. That could be true.

[Nick]

But if your gut is telling you that not only she, you know, even the fact that you think it's pretty, like, despite this being weird and crazy, you think she's more than capable of doing this.

[Alex]

I'm. It's. I would in, like the person she was before I could see the person she Is now I'm surprised that, like, this is something that we're like, like still do. Like we're still kind of having these. Like, I am honestly surprised, but maybe that's just my own, you know, just.

[Nick]

Trying to be that surprise that you. I mean, you are certain she did this without any real proof?

[Alex]

I guess. Other than the fact that she was the only one by herself in my car right before everything went missing, sure.

[Nick]

No. Yeah. But still not proof.

[Alex]

I know. That's why it's tough.

[Nick]

Because it's like there's no smoking gun, I guess is what I'm saying.

[Alex]

Yeah. So I guess, you know, I just ignore. And if maybe she decides to turn a corner and, you know, fess up, which likely won't happen, but. But I don't know. I think I'll do what you said, just ignore and not really, you know, put like, effort into the friendship quote unquote, that I thought we had, I guess, you know, And I think I just have to, like, be okay with that and accept that, you know, like, that's obviously not a friend. And I have to stop turning it around on myself, like. Cause I'm like, oh my God, was I so annoying that weekend that like. And people are like, no. Like, that's not a justification for stealing from someone. So I think I just have to, you know, face the hard truth. Truth. And just move forward.

[Nick]

And you don't want to confront her anymore?

[Alex]

I feel too nervous to do that, to be honest.

[Nick]

Why?

[Alex]

I. I don't know. Because I feel like. I don't know. I feel like if before it was like, no, no, like, I haven't seen those. Like, I just don't. I don't know. Like, I guess I'm afraid, like, to your point, like, if I am, like, I don't know if we'd admit it, but to your point, without any proof, it's like if I am wrong, I mean. But either way, it's like the friendship is frayed regardless.

[Nick]

Well, that's what I'm saying. You're willing to ghost this person and cut her off in your life. That's not any less aggressive than you would confronting her.

[Alex]

Right?

[Nick]

And I feel like I don't want.

[Alex]

To do that though. You know what I mean? Like, even though this is like, like a no brainer, like just with like the, like, you know, like I. Because like I said, like, I. I don't have, have like a ton of friends. Like, I have a few close people that I keep in touch with. Like, so for me I'm kind of like, oh, man. Like, I already don't kind of have a lot of friends like this. I thought was, but now I'm like, oh my God, do I even know anybody?

[Nick]

Like, why do you have a lot of friends?

[Alex]

Well, I just, you know, I'm a little more like, introverted. And I've never really been like a type of person who's had like a big friend group. Like, I've always had like a few close friends that aren't necessarily like, intertwined with each other.

[Nick]

But that's a choice you're making. It's not like you can't make friends.

[Alex]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess. I guess the one of the few long term, like, friends from childhood that I.

[Nick]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. I mean.

[Alex]

No.

[Nick]

Yeah, you're the one who's like, I don't know, we kind of hang out sometimes, you know, like, yeah, she's a casual. She's not the person you're going to, to like really open up to. And, and she's someone you met a long time ago, you have history with and you've kept in touch. That's. But again, addressing it head on is, yeah, if you think she did it, I, you know, it's, it's an option.

[Alex]

Yeah. Because I.

[Nick]

And it would go something like, hey, listen, I know this is really awkward for me, but their only answer could be you took them. Because I know where they were and you were the last person in this car. And like, I don't know why you took them or why you're not telling them, but, like, it's pretty clear you did. So, like, just let me know. It's not that big of a deal. And honestly, if you really like those glasses, you can keep them. I just, like, it's just. Why don't you just tell me?

[Alex]

Yeah. Like, you could go on Temu and get a pair that matches.

[Nick]

Yeah. So just kind of, you know, if you confront her, don't confront it. Like, I know what you did as if she committed a murder. Just be like, this is silly.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Why don't you just tell me you have them? Because now it's gotten weird. I would. It would be something like that.

[Alex]

Yeah, it is weird.

[Nick]

And then you kind of. You make her feel like this is weird and you're just like, this is super weird. I know you know this, but now that you're not telling me, it's just getting weirder. And then you pull back and then she's going to feel real stupid for.

[Alex]

This, like, if you stole something from someone and then they texted you, like, hey, have you seen this? Would you be like, oh, shit, they know? Because, like, I would, but that's just how my brain works. Like, I don't. Like, does she. Like, I don't know. I'm like, does she, like, does she know I know? Does she actually think I'm, like, dumb and, like, not noticing or like, I don't.

[Nick]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Alex]

I don't know.

[Nick]

I don't.

[Alex]

But you're right, it is. Overall, it is. It's weird.

[Nick]

Like, I don't know why people do what they do, but. And I don't know this person. You just seem so convinced that she took them.

[Alex]

I just can't think of any other explanation. Like, the, like, the timeline of it, like, what I'm telling you, like, these, like, in the same spot.

[Nick]

Like, No, I understand all that, but it's the fact that, like, I just. There are certain. Even so there's got to be people. Well, maybe. I don't know. There's got to be people in your life that even if they were the last person in your car are. You would still be like, there's no way they did that.

[Alex]

Yes. I think if it were. And I guess, like, that kind of goes back to your point, though, right? Of, like, let's take a look back and maybe figure, like, see who this person really is. Because if it was someone else, my gut would not go to, like, oh, they definitely took it.

[Nick]

The point is, you think she's more than capable of having done this.

[Alex]

Yeah. You know, just based on some past.

[Nick]

No, I hear. I mean, you know, whatever the reason is, your gut is telling you she's more than capable. Believable.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, your instinct, what you know about this person is it's not hard to believe that she did. As weird as it is, you're just like, yeah, if anyone would do something like this, she would do something like this.

[Alex]

Yeah, no, that makes total sense. I think. I just, you know, I feel like ever. I'm kind of, like, running it by people and getting all these different things. So I figured I would get a different unbiased outside opinion.

[Nick]

I, you know, I wouldn't put here to summarize eyes. I wouldn't be friends with people who I thought were capable of this at this point in my life if I were you.

[Alex]

That makes total sense.

[Nick]

But if you think she is someone who, you know, you have a history with, and despite her having her issues, that you want to be a friend to her because she's struggling with whatever she's struggling with. And while you're not going to accept certain types of behavior, you will be willing to, like, challenge her, address certain issues, certain behaviors. Always you, you know, holding her accountable. Then. Then address it.

[Alex]

Yeah, because once it was like the two. And listen, I know I shouldn't have, like, why do I have like 10 pairs of sunglasses in my car? I don't know. But like, once it was the two, I was like, all right. But then once I noticed, like, because I was like, you know, like, my gut again was like, you have that really cute cat eye pair in that other compartment in your car. You should check there. And I did. And like, they were gone. And I was like, okay, okay. So once it got to there, I was leaning more towards, like, maybe we're just not friends. And, like, that can be okay. And I shouldn't, like, you know, like, maybe I shouldn't even worry about her reaching out to me because obviously if you're going to do that, you're. You don't care to reach out and hang out with me or keep in touch, you know.

[Nick]

Has she reached out since I'm not talking about commenting on social media?

[Alex]

No.

[Nick]

Okay. Yeah.

[Alex]

And she did say when our text, she was like, I'll double check. But like, I don't think so. And then I was just, just like, okay. Because I was like, yeah. I was literally like, yeah, it's so weird, comma, like, sounds good. But like, she never responded after that.

[Nick]

So if she took. If you're right, then chances are she won't reach out anytime soon. And comments online don't count because comments online give a perception of we're okay.

[Alex]

That's a great point.

[Nick]

But it's not like she's calling you to get together where she has to sit across the table with you knowing she stole your glasses and you know she stole your glasses and your both, like, you know, so she's going to avoid you for a while.

[Alex]

That's what my sister said. My sister said she will likely continue the lie and hope that it goes away quickly and we'll kind of avoid it until things pass over.

[Nick]

But if I were you, I would. I would want to just say, I know you did it.

[Alex]

I want to. And I'm just really. I'm like, I'm scared to do it.

[Nick]

Because now it's been like, what could she do?

[Alex]

Couple days, what could she do? Nothing.

[Nick]

But you just text her. I know what you did last summer. Yeah.

[Alex]

Yeah. Well, I guess I'll. I'll mull it over. Either just confront head on or keep the distance and, you know.

[Nick]

Yeah. There's no wrong answer. I mean, it would be fun for me. I would just bother me too much.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I'd want. I'd want that person to know that I know.

[Alex]

That's. Well, that was why when I was like, I'm going to text her because in my brain, like, the way my brain works, like if I took something from someone and they texted me, I'd be like, oh, my God, know. So, like, that's why I was like, I'm going to send a text, like, immediately. Because if anything, whether I confront her or not, I need her to know somehow that I know.

[Nick]

No, but that's. That's not what you did. She is. I know she is going to convince herself that you, you know, you might suspect, but she's going to think that you don't really think it's her.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Because she's used to getting away with shit like this maybe.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

So I would want to make her feel. Feel like I know. And that, like, while you took it and you won't admit to it. Like, I would want. I would. I. I think you should have the guts to tell her why you're. Where you're no longer friends.

[Alex]

Yeah. And. And who knows? Sometimes I don't know if she listens to you guys or not all the time. I don't know if she listens to Ask Nick. But like, part of me was like, oh, my God, what if she listens? And then I was like, you know what?

[Nick]

Like, she listened to our show is what it is.

[Alex]

Maybe. I don't know. So I think sometimes I don't know if she listens to Ask Nick. I don't think you're like, her most played. Like, I feel like that would have come up more in our conversations, but I was like, you know what? Like, hey, it is what it is.

[Nick]

While you're listening, maybe she'll hear this. Turning glasses. You could give her a recommendation of a podcast to listen to a specific episode.

[Alex]

I could like, hey, oh my gosh, have you ever heard these ass Nicks?

[Nick]

I think you should just text her and tell her, listen.

[Alex]

Just go the direct route.

[Nick]

No one else could have taken them. I don't know why you did. Don't say you suspect or think. Just say it as a statement of fact.

[Alex]

Okay.

[Nick]

Speak to her as if you've seen the evidence that she has the glasses.

[Alex]

Okay. Yeah, I do need to do that instead of, like, tiptoeing around it.

[Nick]

No. Yes. Because as soon as you're nervous, I.

[Alex]

Just have to be brave.

[Nick]

She will. She will keep and let. The only chance you get I have of getting her to admit it is being like, I know you. I. I. Like, I know you did this.

[Alex]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, listen, we all know. Just. Yeah, you can have, like, you know. Yeah.

[Nick]

So if you want to talk about why you did this, we can talk about it. But, like, obviously you took them. It seems odd to me. I thought we were past this kind of behavior. I'm here if you need to talk, but, like, I'm only talking until you acknowledge what happens, happened.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I feel like that's a very adult, safe thing to communicate to someone you claim you were least friendly with.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Or you've known for a long time.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Nick]

No.

[Alex]

Yeah, you're right. For sure. I'll have to muster up some courage.

[Nick]

It won't kill you.

[Alex]

Maybe I'll. I'll. I'll mull it over and figure out.

[Nick]

Let's have your friend if. Have your fiance. You draft the text and have your fiance press it.

[Alex]

Yeah, okay, well, I will do that. I appreciate your advice and taking the time.

[Nick]

All right, well, thanks for the call. I appreciate it. Let us know what happens, whatever you find out. All right, Take care.

[Alex]

I will. Thank you so much.

[Nick]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[Alex]

Bye.

[Nick]

I once accused my friend of stealing my charger. And I found it five years later in my room. Really? Yeah. We should put that in the episode. It was. It was. Was my specifically the block to, like, my beats. To charge it. I have your wire at home, by the way. I found it today and my friend was you. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I found it five years ago and I texted her. I was like, I'm so sorry. And I sent her a picture of the charger. What'd she say? She was like, I told you from the beginning, I never stole. It was like, not. It wasn't a big deal like this. Like, we were really close friends, but I was always like, you have my charger. And then after five years, I had my own charger. Now AT T Mobile get four 5G phones on us and four lines for $25 a line per month when you switch with eligible trade ins, all on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for $25 per line per month with autopay discount using debit or bank account. $5 more per line without autopay, plus taxes and fees and $10 device connection charge phones via 24 monthly bill credits for well qualified customers. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on a required finance agreement. Due bill credits end if you pay off devices early ct mobile.com helix sleep wish I was in my Helix mattress right now. I tell you that right now because I am sleepy. But when I get done, whenever I get done with work, I I am so excited to lay my heavy head on my Helix mattress because it is the most comfortable mattress ever made. Truly it's the greatest invention right next to electricity. I actually would put it right before electricity because I don't need light when I'm sleeping Helix mattresses are amazing. They have a mattress for everyone. We Natalie and I sleep on the moonlight mattress but that may not be the one for you. I don't know how you sleep. I don't know. Do you sleep hot? Do you sleep cold? Do you sleep on your side? Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you sleep standing up? Do you sleep on your head? I don't know. But the good thing is Helix has 20 unique mattresses for any kind of sleeper. All you gotta do is take a quick quiz. You just go to helixleep.com answer a couple basic questions about your preferences on how you sleep, how you want to feel when you sleep and helix will select one of their 20 unique amazing mattresses for you so that you can get the best sleep of your life. They have the award winning Lux and Ultra Premium elite collections plus they have mattresses for even those kiddos. That's right, the little ones need to sleep too and Helix has amazing mattresses for them as well. They also give you a 100 night slee sleep trial so you can sleep on it for 100 nights. Try it out. It'll be awesome and if you don't want it you can send it back. They also have a 1010 to 15 year warranty on all their mattresses depending on the mattress that you get. If that's not good enough for you, well just know that they were awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wire magazine. Also recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and sleep doctors as the go to solution for improving your sleep. So if you are in the market for a new mattress look no further than Helix. Just go to helixleep.com again. Answer a couple of those questions and in a few days you'll be sleeping sleeping on the best mattress ever invented. Helix is offering up 20 off all mattress orders go to helixleap.com v I a l l that is helix sleep.com v I a l l with helix, better sleep starts now. Cascade Natural Gas believes a warm home, hot water and natural gas energy should.

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[Nick]

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[Caller]

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[Nick]

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[Alex]

Com help.