E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Viall Files – Episode E848 "Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps"

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Podcast Information:

• Title: The Viall Files
• Host/Author: Nick Viall
• Description: Your go-to podcast for all things dating, relationships, pop culture, and reality television. Hosted by Nick Viall, Natalie Joy, and the Household, the show delves into love and life while keeping listeners updated on the latest in reality TV and celebrity news. With four exciting episodes each week, including heartfelt advice, reality show recaps, and special celebrity interviews, The Viall Files offers a mix of laughter, insight, and hot gossip.

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Episode Details:

• Episode Number: E848
• Title: Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps
• Release Date: December 2, 2024

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Section 1: Listener Call-In – Fiona's Dilemma with Her Brother's Ex

Call-In Start: [03:30]

Caller: Fiona, 27 years old

Issue Presented: Fiona reaches out to seek advice about a troubling situation involving her 24-year-old brother and his ex-girlfriend. After a brief two-month relationship during which her brother remained a virgin and did not climax with his partner despite unprotected sex, the ex claims she is six weeks pregnant with his child. Fiona and her family are skeptical about the paternity due to inconsistencies in the timeline and rumors of the ex seeing other people. The ex has blocked Fiona and her brother, causing emotional distress and confusion.

Key Points Discussed:

• Timeline Discrepancies: The ex claims to be six weeks pregnant as of September 20th, implying conception around early August. However, the last reported intimate encounter was on July 28th, raising doubts about paternity.

• Lack of Climax: Fiona emphasizes that her brother never climaxed during their encounters, making paternity unlikely.

• Ex's Accusations: The ex not only claims the baby is her brother’s but also throws baseless accusations, including incestuous claims that Fiona is involved with her brother.

• Blocking and Communication Breakdown: After an emotional confrontation where the ex accuses her brother of being a deadbeat dad and threatens self-harm, she blocks all contact, leaving Fiona and her brother in a state of limbo.

Notable Quotes:

• Fiona: "[...] they hooked up a handful of times, he says about 10 times. And he never climaxed with her." [04:15]
• Nick: "It’s a tough situation. Your brother should enforce boundaries, even when his potential partner asks him not to." [06:24]

Nick's Advice: Nick advises Fiona to remain supportive of her brother while emphasizing the importance of paternity testing once the baby is born. He suggests that the conflicting timelines and dramatic behavior of the ex indicate she may not be the father, urging patience and caution. Nick also recommends monitoring the situation discreetly and maintaining emotional support without overstepping boundaries.

Conclusion: The conversation concludes with Nick expressing hope that the situation resolves favorably for Fiona's family, highlighting the importance of safe sexual practices and clear communication in relationships.

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Section 2: Listener Call-In – Holly's Concern About Her Boyfriend's Use of Dating Apps

Call-In Start: [27:22]

Caller: Holly, 36 years old

Issue Presented: Holly discusses her four-month relationship with a boyfriend who intends to return to dating apps—not for romantic pursuits, but to network for selling insurance policies. She is uncomfortable with this proposition, feeling it blurs the lines of their relationship and disrespects her boundaries.

Key Points Discussed:

• Boyfriend’s Intentions: Her boyfriend plans to use dating apps as a tool for selling insurance, leveraging personal connections to boost his sales numbers.

• Emotional Impact: Holly feels disrespected and sees this move as a sign of the boyfriend's lack of commitment and disregard for the relationship's integrity.

• Communication Breakdown: Holly expresses frustration over feeling manipulated and not being taken seriously regarding her discomfort with his plans.

• Impact on Relationship Dynamics: The boyfriend's actions have introduced distrust and tension, making Holly question the future of their relationship.

Notable Quotes:

• Holly: "[...] he wants to go back on the apps about a month ago." [27:37]
• Nick: "You have the right to set boundaries. If he's unwilling to respect them, it’s time to reconsider the relationship." [34:15]

Nick's Advice: Nick provides Holly with a reality check, emphasizing the importance of enforcing personal boundaries. He advises her to communicate her discomfort firmly and consider ending the relationship if the boyfriend refuses to respect her wishes. Nick underscores the necessity of self-respect and prioritizing one's emotional well-being over compromising for a relationship that exhibits red flags.

Conclusion: The segment concludes with Nick encouraging Holly to take control of her dating life, suggesting that she may need to step back from dating to rebuild her confidence and reassess her relationship standards. He reiterates the importance of not compromising on non-negotiable aspects that affect her mental and emotional health.

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Section 3: Listener Call-In – Michelle's Breakup with Her Stoner Boyfriend

Call-In Start: [66:03]

Caller: Michelle, 34 years old

Issue Presented: Michelle shares her experience of breaking up with her boyfriend of seven to eight months, who consistently used marijuana despite agreeing to reduce his intake. His dependence affected their relationship, leading to deceitful behavior such as hiding his use and lying about it.

Key Points Discussed:

• Substance Use and Transparency: Although Michelle was initially aware of her boyfriend's marijuana use, his secretive behavior about it led to trust issues.

• Impact on Relationship: His reliance on marijuana affected his mood and presence, making Michelle feel disconnected and leading to frequent arguments.

• Efforts to Compromise: Despite his temporary cessation of use for two months, he resumed and continued to hide his habits, culminating in Michelle deciding to end the relationship.

• Emotional Turmoil: Michelle struggled with self-blame and confusion over her inability to accept his habits, recognizing the need for personal growth and possibly therapy.

Notable Quotes:

• Michelle: "[...] he was smoking while at my house with my dog, and then he lied about it." [78:09]
• Nick: "You have the right to be bothered by his habits, but you also need to address your own boundaries and mental hurdles." [86:53]

Nick's Advice: Nick empathizes with Michelle's situation, acknowledging the complexities of dealing with a partner's substance use. He advises Michelle to seek therapy to address her own challenges with setting boundaries and to reflect on her relationship choices. Nick emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and openness in relationships, suggesting that both partners need to work together to overcome personal issues for the relationship to thrive.

Conclusion: The discussion wraps up with Nick encouraging Michelle to focus on self-improvement and healing, recognizing that her boyfriend's actions were detrimental to her well-being. He underscores the necessity of not settling for behaviors that compromise one's mental and emotional health, advocating for empowered decision-making in relationships.

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Section 4: Host’s Final Thoughts and Takeaways

Throughout the episode, Nick Viall provides candid, sometimes tough-love advice to listeners grappling with complex relationship issues. Key takeaways include:

• Importance of Boundary Setting: Whether dealing with potential paternity disputes or conflicting relationship expectations, establishing and enforcing personal boundaries is crucial for emotional well-being.

• Self-Respect and Prioritization: Listeners are encouraged to prioritize their own mental and emotional health over compromising in relationships that exhibit red flags.

• Communication and Clarity: Open, honest communication is emphasized as a foundation for resolving relationship conflicts and misunderstandings.

• Self-Improvement and Support: Seeking therapy and focusing on personal growth are recommended for overcoming internal struggles that affect relationship dynamics.

Notable General Quotes:

• Nick: "You deserve respect and clarity in your relationships. Don’t settle for less." [Various Timestamps]
• Nick: "Being there for your loved ones is important, but so is taking care of your own mental health." [Various Timestamps]

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Conclusion

Episode E848 of The Viall Files delivers valuable insights into navigating challenging relationship scenarios, from handling unexpected paternity claims to addressing boundary violations and substance use conflicts. Nick Viall’s straightforward advice empowers listeners to prioritize their well-being, set necessary boundaries, and seek personal growth, ensuring healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Transcript

[Nick]

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[Holly]

You.

[Nick]

How'S it going?

[Holly]

Hi.

[Fiona]

I'm good. How are you?

[Michelle]

Good.

[Nick]

What's your name?

[Fiona]

My name is Fiona. I'm 27 years old and my brother's pregnant ex girlfriend blocked me and my whole family.

[Nick]

Okay. Blocked you or blocked your brother too?

[Fiona]

Oh, blocked him too.

[Nick]

Oh, okay. And they're not together?

[Fiona]

They are not together? No. They were barely together. They were together for two months, very brief.

[Nick]

And they just happened to get pregnant or she got pregnant.

[Fiona]

Well, that is, according to her. It is his. According to us, the chances are it is not.

[Nick]

So your brother doesn't believe it's his?

[Fiona]

No. Well, so the story goes, they were together for two months. For context, my brother was a virgin before he met her. So he waited a long time. He's 24 years old and basically wanted to wait until he was with the right girl to, like, lose virginity. So this was his first girlfriend. They were together for two months. They hooked up a handful of times, he says about 10 times. And he never climaxed with her. So she seems to be convinced that it's.

[Nick]

Did you wear protection?

[Fiona]

They did not wear protection. She asked him not to. So that, along with the timelines are not adding up. So she reached out to him on September 20th to say, Look, I'm pregnant. It's yours. I'm keeping it. That's that. He freaked out, was very shocked, was just confused about the whole thing. She said she was six weeks pregnant, which would have made her like. We looked up this because we had no idea how they calculate how long people are pregnant. But according to all of our research, if you're six weeks pregnant on September 20th, it would make your last period. August 9th is essentially how the six weeks comes. It's calculated from the first day of your last period. Again, what we read. And the last time they hooked up was July 28th. So the timelines aren't adding up. There's rumors that she had hooked up with other people, so we're not sure what to believe.

[Nick]

Okay, well, just note, she could also be lying about the six weeks.

[Fiona]

Very much. Yeah.

[Nick]

What a pickle. Let's hope that this ends up being nothing more than a real tough lesson is why your brother should wear protection and practice safe sex and enforce that boundary even when his potential partner asks him not to. Because, you know, even men have the right to enforce boundaries.

[Fiona]

Absolutely.

[Nick]

In bed. So let's hope that. Boy, what a tough situation. And why it's tough is because obviously the emotional distress your brother must be feeling is like, am I? Like, I'm assuming your brother wants to know if he is, in fact, a father.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Just one way or the other. Right. It's just like, hey, just like, whatever you guys believe. Yes.

[Fiona]

He was very much willing to be involved in the beginning. Obviously, we weren't around originally. Blocked by her. She was very much wanting him to be involved.

[Nick]

So when did the blocking happen?

[Fiona]

So right when we first found out, we didn't really talk to her for about a weekend. We were all just, like, trying to wrap our heads around it, trying to come together, figure out what we're going to do. But once he had had a couple days to process, he was like, okay, I want to be involved with as much as I can. I want to get on the same page. Like, we're going to be in this together. So I'd love to, you know, have some sort of friendship with her going forward. So he met up with her after a few days. Everything went well. They cried together. They talked about how stressed they were. They came together as a unit, and everything seemed good. So all of that was pretty much secured until the following day when she reached out to him again. And basically asked him to come over. He said, I just got home from work. I'm talking with my parents. My parents are emotional, so we're just talking things out. And she said, well, you're not being here for me and your baby, so come over immediately. He panicked, naturally, didn't want to be that guy, wanted to just do whatever he could. So he went over there and she sort of threw a tantrum, cried, freaked out. She was wish. Told him she wished she never involved him. She was throwing out insane accusations. Like, first said he was being a deadbeat dad, even though we just found out. She accused him and I of sleeping together, me and my brother. She said rude things about me posting sexy pictures on Instagram. She threatened to kill herself, threatened to smoke cigarettes. So she had a big, essentially mental break of sorts, and then following that day, blocked us and said, I wish I never told you.

[Nick]

Wow. So let's go back to the. The. The, I guess, evidence. So your brother last had sex with her when?

[Fiona]

July 28th.

[Nick]

And then what date she said she was. What?

[Fiona]

She said on September 20, that she was six weeks pregnant.

[Nick]

That would put her at what, early August?

[Fiona]

Yes.

[Nick]

Well, July 28th and early August are just a few days apart.

[Fiona]

Yeah. It's not super offensive. Yeah.

[Nick]

In fact, it's kind of pretty on.

[Fiona]

It's close. Yeah.

[Nick]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your brother is convinced he didn't climax, like, at all?

[Fiona]

Yeah, very much so. Yeah.

[Nick]

Gotta say, pretty impressed for a virgin.

[Fiona]

I know. Well, he. The only reason I know this is because the whole time they were even together, he was coming to me, like. Like, ask your friends, like, is this normal? Have they ever experienced this?

[Nick]

Is what normal?

[Fiona]

Like not being able to finish, essentially. So he was having. It was an issue in their relationship that he couldn't climax.

[Nick]

Performance anxiety.

[Fiona]

Yeah, that's kind of what I told him. I mean, obviously I don't know for sure, but damn.

[Nick]

Okay. I don't know. I mean, I don't know what I know. I don't know because I don't know what his. All he is at this point is the alleged father.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I don't know what rights he has.

[Fiona]

Basically none. We reached out to a lawyer and we asked them the same question, and it was essentially nothing. Like, if she doesn't want to do a paternity test, then we don't have any rights until the baby's born and we can confirm that it's his.

[Nick]

But when the baby is born, what rights would he have?

[Fiona]

Potentially not 100% sure, because we're not there yet, but if we are able to confirm that it's his, then we could obviously go to court for some sort of custody.

[Nick]

How long ago did she block him?

[Fiona]

That was about a month ago. I want to say three weeks.

[Nick]

A month. Okay. A month ago. Wow. And since then, what attempts has your brother made, if any, to reconnect?

[Fiona]

Nothing, really. We tried in the beginning and obviously we're blocked, so there's not much.

[Nick]

Do you even know if she's still pregnant?

[Fiona]

Right. Yeah, well, we. Yeah, we don't. She very well might not be still pregnant.

[Nick]

We don't know, unfortunately. I. I think it's just kind of a wait and see thing.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Which is like not, you know, not a great plan. But we all know that obviously women can still get pregnant if a man didn't actually climax. They had unprotected sex. It only takes one. And while he may not have climaxed, it's definitely possible.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

That she's pregnant. When you said you heard rumors that she had been hooking up with other.

[Fiona]

People, it was sort of a thing in their relationship. There was one time where she got a couple texts from somebody else, and then the timelines are just not adding up. So she seems very sure. But we're sort of wondering if, since they were broken up, if there was someone else or not.

[Nick]

What do you guys know about her support system, her family, her friends?

[Fiona]

It's not great from what we know. I mean, her parents, according to her, are supportive, but from what do you know?

[Nick]

If they come from money?

[Fiona]

They don't.

[Nick]

I think maybe the fact that she blocked you a month ago, blocked you guys a month ago, and you haven't heard anything is maybe a good sign.

[Fiona]

Right?

[Nick]

That's true. You're describing a. An unhinged person. She. I mean, she accused you guys have incest. That's pretty crazy. And then for her to block you. It's not crazy to block someone and not hear from them. Right. So she went from being completely crazy to almost not.

[Fiona]

Right. Yeah.

[Nick]

And the only thing that maybe. Yeah. She could have easily lost it in a miscarriage. Right. She may have chosen not to keep it. And the fact that she hasn't reached out at all tells me, I think that's a good sign for your brother.

[Fiona]

Right. Yeah.

[Nick]

Because, like, you don't go from, hey, I'm pregnant, you're the father, let's get together, cry about it the next day, accusing him of being a deadbeat dad, accusing him of not doing enough. Then, like, I wish I would have never included you. Because why? Because he wasn't. It doesn't. That doesn't really add up. Then she blocks. Blocking everyone is almost like kind of to me in this situation, wishing that she really wants no one to pay attention to what she's doing. What is she hiding kind of thing. Maybe hiding something. And maybe the hiding is the embarrassment of something. It seems like something's changed. I know this is all speculation. Obviously, if I'm your brother, it'd be very difficult to just let it go and ignore it. I think all you guys can do, specifically your brother, is just say, hey, listen, this is not ideal. Your brother knows what he'd be willing to do if he was given the opportunity to be by her side. He would be there, which is good, because that would be a responsibility he should fulfill. He needs to respect her boundary, I guess, at this point, you know, obviously, you know, being a new dad, you know, there were certainly enjoyable moments as a new dad while Nalia was pregnant. Most of that enjoyment came from me supporting my partner. Right. But, you know, obviously it was very cool to feel river kick and things like that, but there's. There's not a ton of excitement for the dad while mom's pregnant, so to speak. Right. So it's not to say that he wouldn't be missing out, but I think he doesn't have to, you know, make himself feel worse by saying, oh, well, I can't be there and, you know, I'm really missing out. It's like, I don't know. Objectively, I don't know how much he is missing out. So I know this is easier said than done, but, like, I think maybe he just tells himself, listen, I don't know what she is. There's a good chance I'm not the father. There's a good chance she's no longer pregnant. But if. If I'm wrong and she is pregnant and I end up being the father once she has this baby, you guys will figure, you'll find out, you'll know. Right. You might all be blocked. Is our account private?

[Fiona]

Yeah, it is.

[Nick]

Okay. And do you guys have any mutuals?

[Fiona]

Yeah, we, like, went to elementary school together, so they have, like, lots of mutual friends.

[Nick]

Yeah. And you could probably create an account pretending to be someone else.

[Fiona]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Nick]

You could. You could pretend to be a hot guy or whatever who follows her and then she approves. You can, you know, I don't know, you could. Honestly, like, yeah, you could just to figure it out. So my point is, you'll find out if she is, in fact, pregnant, you know, sooner than later, because, you know, if she's posting her life and then clearly nothing shows up, she's probably not pregnant. Obviously, if her body changes, you'll know that she is. And then when. When she has the baby. If she has the baby, you know, there's a good chance she. That this child will strongly resemble the father. I think a lot of firstborns tend to look like dad for biological purposes, it seems like. But who knows, if there is some resemblance, then that you guys will be more motivated to, you know, exercise whatever rights that you have to take a paternity test so that your brother could be a father to his child. But other than that, I guess it's just kind of wait and see.

[Fiona]

Yeah. At this point, there's not much we can do. Obviously, we feel like, yeah, if she's blocked us, we don't want to, like, do anything extreme to reach out. We're just sort of figuring out how to mentally.

[Nick]

Your brother's only. Your brother's 24.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Listen, obviously not an ideal situation, but there's definitely a possibility for a silver lining.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, if your brother kind of approaches the next nine months, as I might be a father, and if he takes that seriously, there's a good chance that he's going to hopefully, you know, make healthy decisions that he's investing in himself and the, you know, it's just like, hey, I might be a father in nine months. Like, what would someone do if they're going to be a father in nine months? Maybe he will set himself up for the future, whatever it is. Right. He can just, like, kind of stay focused at work, you know, make sure that he's making healthy decisions for himself and, like. Yeah, I don't know, maybe. Maybe he doesn't need a date all that much in the next nine months. He's only 24.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, because that's kind of a weird conversation. Hey, by the way, third date, I may or may not be a father. I don't. I don't know. It's a crazy story. Certainly comes, you know, for the next nine months at least he's got some baggage. And that baggage is I might be a father.

[Fiona]

Right.

[Nick]

But like I said, if she's still not pregnant, and I wouldn't be shocked if that's the case, you will find out sooner than later.

[Fiona]

Yeah, she's not a big poster, so I don't know if we'll see anything beforehand, but you never know.

[Nick]

Are you guys, like, in the same town like you guys. You do have some mutual friends?

[Fiona]

Yes. Yeah.

[Nick]

And have you talked to these mutual friends?

[Fiona]

I haven't, like, I don't live in the town where they live. They live in like the town we grew up in. But from what I have heard, he hasn't heard much from anyone. I don't. They don't have like, close mutual friends, but they have friends that like, run in the same circles. So no one's told him anything, but it's very possible they're keeping it a secret for her from her as well.

[Nick]

So my gut tells me she's not pregnant anymore.

[Fiona]

Yeah, I could very well see that, considering how hard she was on him in the beginning. To just block and ghost essentially seems very odd.

[Nick]

And how did your brother say he reacted in real time to this episode?

[Fiona]

From the way he told it to me was that he was trying to calm her down. That he was trying to. I mean, they ended up at the end of that night, sort of calmed down. So it seems like he stayed there until she was in a better headspace. He like drove her somewhere, dropped her off. Everything seemed like it had sort of patched up at the end of the night. And then he was shocked to get the I wish I never involved you, I'm blocking you message.

[Nick]

I think there's like a 80% chance she either isn't pregnant or he's not the father.

[Fiona]

Yeah, that's what we're thinking as well. And we like going back to earlier, like, she doesn't have as strong of a support system as he does. Like, he has a good job, a well paying job, good parents that we have. We're well off enough, like good support system emotionally.

[Nick]

So that's what I'm saying. It's just like assuming your brother didn't say or do anything that made her not want your brother around or.

[Fiona]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Nick]

Then she would have eventually calmed down and. And probably thought, why? Why am I throwing away this help?

[Fiona]

Exactly.

[Nick]

Yeah, no, something's not adding up there, you know, so I don't know other than that. I think just be there for your brother. I think it's kind of like we've done everything we can at this point. You guys even reached out to a lawyer, you know, try to check in. You know, I think maybe he could talk to whatever mutual friends you have and just say, hey, like, do you know if she. Have you heard anything like this? Like that means that like, she either she hasn't told anyone about this, so, like, she's pregnant and no One knows. I don't know.

[Fiona]

Right. I think from what I know, she's pregnant and her close friends know, but I don't know if she's, like, going around, like, bragging around town.

[Nick]

What do you mean by that? You. What do you. So what have you heard?

[Fiona]

Well, from what my brother told me, he was saying things like, oh, well, my best friend told her this. Like, her best friend also has a child, so was giving her advice. She had told my brother to reach out to this friend, you know, to get advice on being a new.

[Nick]

Before you got blocked.

[Fiona]

This was before he got blocked? Yeah. So it seems like her, like, best friend, who also has a kid is aware, but, yeah, considering the circumstances where.

[Nick]

Yeah, I don't doubt that she took a pregnancy test and found out she was pregnant.

[Fiona]

Yes.

[Nick]

Yeah. But other than that, you. You're not aware of any other conversations with any people in her community that verifies that she's still pregnant, correct? Yeah, I find that hard to believe.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Keep us posted, please.

[Fiona]

Of course I will.

[Nick]

Yeah. And I think you guys can just keep an eye on her, so to speak, from afar.

[Fiona]

Yeah, that's a good idea. We should be paying attention if your.

[Nick]

Brother has access to her friends or these people. Like, yeah, I mean, if I'm. If nothing else, your brother should reach out to this friend and be like, hey, last time I heard from her, she told me I was the father, then blocked me, and then said she wished she didn't include me. So, to be honest, like, I was surprised to find out that I was the father because I never climax. I know it's still possible she could have gotten pregnant, but, like, I just want to know if I'm going to be a dad in eight months. And, like, have you heard anything? Did she change her mind? Did something happen? Did she lose the baby? Like, someone's got to know something, right?

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, and if no one knows anything, then that's even weirder.

[Fiona]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Well, it just means either she decided not to keep it or lost the baby and decided to stop telling people. You know, maybe she might have freaked out and said, I can't do this. What am I doing? We're not together, you know, and. And maybe some, you know, maybe she decided not to keep it and then decided, you know what? I'm not going to tell a lot of people about this, because if, you know, if she decided not to keep it, I imagine it would be a very emotional and challenging experience for her, and maybe she doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe she's not comfortable with that, you know, which would be completely understandable. But if she is pregnant, you know, someone and she's already told a best friend, it seems like someone would know. Your brother afraid to have sex again?

[Fiona]

Yeah, very much. Yes, very much.

[Nick]

So why did she ask him not to wear a condom?

[Fiona]

That is what she told him. She wanted that she. That's how she likes it. Apparently. She assured him that if something were to happen, she would get an abortion. Obviously he absolutely should have set that boundary and should never been doing that. But like, I understand, like, even.

[Nick]

But that's, that's also just like your brother needs to understand that, like that's a promise someone might not be able to keep.

[Fiona]

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. How do you know until you're.

[Nick]

She has the right to change her mind. She has the right to not to have a. Have a very different. That's something you say in the heat of the moment just to get what you want. You're not. Right. Because you're thinking it will never happen. You know, also, by the way, that shouldn't like, put your brother at ease. It's like, oh, well, you'll get an abortion. As if, like, exactly. Whatever you think about abortion, like, it's a very emotional. It's, it's, it's not a nothing thing.

[Fiona]

Exactly. You wouldn't, until you're in the moment, how you would actually feel about it.

[Nick]

I don't know a lot of people who have had. Had them, but the people I do know who have had them, it was a, it was an emotional time for them. It was a challenge. It was a lot, you know, and, you know, so next time, you know, your brother should. Maybe this is a lesson for him to have empathy around that. And, and if someone in the future says, well, I'll just have an abortion, that shouldn't put his mind at ease.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

We all know condoms aren't, aren't super fun, but you know, what's. This is a lot less fun. Getting pregnant.

[Fiona]

Very much.

[Nick]

Yeah. Elite stranger. Also, there's STDs out there. Please just keep us posted. Really sorry I couldn't be more help, other than, you know, just more honest. My real advice is just to just be there for your brother. Yeah. You know, he needs to be able to live his life. The worst thing is he's just like for the next eight months, he's like in this emotional purgatory wondering if he's going to be a dad. So he needs to let it go. And honestly, like, you should, you should almost be like, listen, I will do some digging. I will keep an eye on her. Go live your life.

[Fiona]

Yeah, okay.

[Nick]

You know, Doozy, it's stressful. That incest comment is.

[Fiona]

It's crazy. Yeah. It's absolutely insane.

[Nick]

Yeah. My gut tells me he's not going to be the father. Well, thank you for the call. Please, please, please keep us posted.

[Fiona]

Yes, I promise.

[Nick]

All right. All right, take care.

[Fiona]

All right, bye.

[Nick]

All right, bye. Bye. The ball files is sponsored by Better Help. Better Help is an online counseling platform that offers therapy services through phone, video, live CH and online messaging. BetterHelp's goal is to make therapy more accessible and effective for people who need help with their mental health. And that's what I really am drawn to when it comes to BetterHelp. They make it just easier to get started because there's. There's this kind of barrier in terms of people jumping into mental health. You know, we still haven't normalized predicting your mental health, which is just quite the same as like going to the gym or, you know, making sure that you're up to date with your dental care. You know, your mental health is just as important. But, you know, obviously it can be expensive, it can be inconvenient, it can be hard to find a good therapist. And betterhelp, it helps you with all of those things. It's more affordable than in person therapy. It's incredibly convenient. You do it from your phone, your computer. As long as you have a screen or a phone, you can get the therapy that you prefer. And because they're working with so many new therapists every day, it helps ensure that you can find a therapist that matches your preferences. You got to feel comfortable and safe and want to open up. Not every therapist is made for you, and so they make it really easy to try out some therapists until you feel like someone is affecting and benefiting your mental health. Find comfort this December. The holiday seasons can be great. They also can be a blues. And if the holiday blues are affecting you, great time to jump into therapy would be right now with the help of BetterHelp. Fine comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.comvil today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L P.com V I A L L Article Article is an online furniture company that sells modern furniture and decor directly to consumers. Being online only. Article cuts out the middleman and passes the savings on to you. Article believes in delightful design for every home. And thanks to their online only Model. They have some really delightful prices too. They are curious assortment of mid century, modern, coastal, industrial, Scandi and boho designs. Makes furniture shopping simple now. And I have some amazing outdoor pieces from article. We absolutely love them. We constantly get complimented on them. We have some lounge chairs and we have like high class. They kind of look like bean bags but they're amazing. Everyone loves them. We got them from Article. They have couches. Every room in the house can be upgraded with the help of article. And plus again, they cut out the middleman and pass the savings along to you. Plus they make the whole shopping experience super easy and convenient. If you just buy some miracle, you're not obsessed with your article piece. You need to exchange it or return it, whatever. Super easy and super convenient. With their customer care team, Article is offering our listeners $50 off their first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit Article.comV and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.comvil for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going?

[Holly]

Hi, I'm Holly, age 36. Nice to meet you.

[Nick]

Nice to meet you. How can we help?

[Holly]

Holly, I have been dating a guy for four months and he wants to go back on the dating apps to sell insurance.

[Nick]

Right. When did he approach you with this proposition?

[Holly]

He told me about going back on the apps about a month ago.

[Nick]

How did he have that conversation with you?

[Holly]

Yeah, that's kind of exactly how it went. It's. We had kind of hit that like three month honeymoon phase is over kind of mark, like what are we doing here? And that was when he approached me with an incentive that he got from his boss to if he sells a certain number of insurance policies as he's an insurance salesman, that she would offer a bonus. And in order to network, he wanted to go back on the dating apps to meet girls to sell them insurance policies.

[Nick]

What kind of insurance does he sell?

[Holly]

He's a property and casualty agent and life and health as well. So it's personal auto and life and health.

[Fiona]

So what?

[Holly]

He's selling well.

[Nick]

And is that the only way to sell insurance?

[Holly]

Evidently so. Evidently there is no other way to make commission through insurance.

[Nick]

Except I mean, I mean like obviously this is ridiculous. So like why, why are you even entertaining it?

[Holly]

Yeah, that's my question is why am I even entertaining this? The gaslighting here.

[Nick]

But I'm asking you. Yeah, I'm asking you.

[Holly]

The gaslighting here is unreal. Like I know I'm being Gaslit, for sure.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Holly]

Because the way that he explains it, he like, makes it sound so believable that, like, he knows that people have done this before and he knows it works. And his reference is his boss. His boss is the one who gave the staff this idea because that is what she did and that is how she got started. And now she owns her own office. So she said that.

[Nick]

Well, let's assume that's all true. She's a woman, and men are more gullible than women. And so it is more believable that a woman would go on dating apps and have some kind of success maybe selling insurance. How attractive is his boss?

[Holly]

Yeah, I mean, she's pretty.

[Nick]

Yeah, she is. Okay, yeah. So it's still unbelievable. But like, even if that is believable, he's not her. And I think most women would find it really creepy to be sold in anything on a dating app. But regardless of what his boss suggested, like, you're. You're not required to say yes to this. So back to my original question. Why are you even entertaining this? Like, why are you entertaining something crazy? If you know you're being gaslit, then you're kind of not being gaslit, you know?

[Holly]

Touche.

[Nick]

It's like, why are you entertaining it?

[Holly]

I think a lot of it is that, like, okay, I'm in my mid-30s now, right? So like, sure, the clock is ticking. Finding people is really hard. And this has been like the first potential suitor. And I'm gonna be real like years, right? And up until a month ago when we had this conversation, it seemed like everything was going really well. And even since, like, since we've had this conversation, like, nothing has really changed. Except now he's back on the dating apps.

[Nick]

So he is on the dating apps?

[Holly]

Uh huh. He matched with my roommate a couple of days ago.

[Nick]

Gotcha. Well, you. You have to acknowledge that when you say nothing's changed. Part of the reason why nothing's changed is because you've gone along with this. Right?

[Holly]

Yeah, I'm allowing it.

[Nick]

So listen, I get it. I understand you're in a dating slump. I understand being a 38 year old woman, you have things to consider that men don't in terms of their biological clock. Nevertheless, you're not going to get to where you want to go by accepting less than you know, you deserve. You're not going to get people to respect your boundaries by not enforcing your boundaries. If you're not comfortable with your boyfriend being on dating apps for whatever reason, you have a right to say so three months isn't a great deal of time. And I understand that you had a nice little honeymoon phase, but maybe you need to readjust the type of men you're investing in. You know, like, you can clearly get a boyfriend. So you not getting a boyfriend is a choice that you're making, which is fine. You're, you're, you have higher standards, you know, you, you're not going to date anyone. I understand that. But like, you're, you're not single because no one will date you. Do you believe that? I know it's true. I don't know if you believe that. But like, now, I'm not saying you can get anyone you want because no one can, but you know what I'm saying? So, like, but you're not going to get to where you want to go by accepting this type of behavior and then making concessions. You barely know anything about this guy. So whatever you know about this guy is either based off of his, you know, physical appearance, how he is in bed and what he has decided to show you, and two of those things, his physical appearance and how he is in bed. I'm assuming you guys are sleeping together, correct? Yeah. So obviously those are, you know, you, you, you know, you have eyes so you can see how he looks and you know, you can decide pretty quickly if you enjoy being intimate with someone. Sounds like I'm guessing you do enjoy it.

[Holly]

Right?

[Nick]

Right. Which can be very. Especially to women. Just from a biological standpoint, from what, you know, I'm not a doctor, but from what I understand is that like, sex can be very confusing for both parties, but especially women, because, you know, chemically it affects women generally different than men. And so it can make you emotionally attached to people that quite frankly, you know nothing about. You know, and since you're emotionally connected to this person via sex, it's harder for you to enforce your boundaries. Nevertheless, you still have to learn to do that because, like, the fact that he's been on the dating apps for a month and you can say nothing's really changed is kind of nuts.

[Holly]

When I say like nothing has changed, I mean like the day to day, right? So like, we still.

[Nick]

That's what I mean. Yeah, but I'm. But you're going along with it. You know what I'm saying? You are, you are choosing to allow this to happen, you know, but like, you're not willing to say no because you're not willing to lose him. And the fact that he is setting this press, I mean, this is a crazy thing. He's getting away with. If I'm him, I think I can get away with pretty much anything at this point.

[Holly]

Yeah, right. Because I'm allowing it.

[Nick]

Correct. Yeah. Again, I understand you haven't liked someone in a while and I understand you're 38, but that's still not a reason to allow this type of behavior or to make these types of choices for yourself.

[Holly]

I think what makes it confusing for me is that, like, when we discussed this a couple of days ago, because, like I said, he popped up as a match for my roommate and she was like, hey, let me just like, what do you think I should do? Should I like, swipe back? Should I like, like his photo just to kind of get. Get it started? She was like, let's just kind of mess with him and see if he doesn't recognize me. Right. And if we can get him to meet up. But he recognized her immediately. And like, literally as she was telling me this, like, I was walking out the door to go see him and he brought it up, like, pretty much immediately with me, like, arriving to see him. And the way he explains it, like, makes me just frankly, like, so confused because he was like, I hate that this is called a dating app because that's not what I'm using it for.

[Nick]

He's like, doesn't matter. I don't. Yeah, it's just, again, like, you shouldn't be entertaining this. You are. It's just like, listen, it is called the dating app one. It's just creepy. It's creepy to be on there soliciting his business when women are. Or people are going on there with the expectations of meeting people serious about dating. So he is matching with people under false pretenses or lying to you, one of the two. Both are weird. There are other ways for him to network. He's not in the friend one. Right. What does his dating bio say?

[Holly]

Friends. Like, it can tell you, like, what you're looking for. It says friends.

[Nick]

Okay. Yeah. That doesn't mean anything. That just means he's a smart. You mean he's clever. I don't know. What are the pictures on his account?

[Holly]

You know what's funny is there are pictures that like, of us together.

[Michelle]

That.

[Holly]

Where I'm cropped out.

[Nick]

You're cropped out. Listen, again, my point stands. Like, you can't. You, you know, you're trying to reason with insanity, you know, and you're not going to get what you want from this guy by a debating or discussing this. Because even if he is being legit with you it's still crazy behavior, and you don't have to put up with it. And you are.

[Holly]

I think that's, like, what I needed is, like, reality check and some, like, tough love that, like, no, you're not crazy for thinking that this is crazy. Because, like I said, the way that he explains it to me, it's. It, like, it's so unbelievable that it sounds believable.

[Nick]

This is not the type of behavior someone who's seriously excited about a future with someone would do because they would understand and empathize with your position, the emotional distress that'd be putting you through. And he is either not giving a shit about how this is affecting you, what he's asking you to accept or put up with. I don't care what you guys have said to each other in terms of. I feel like I've known you forever, but, like, you clearly got. You guys do not have the type of rapport to give him that type of trust. And he's asking you to trust something that's truly unbelievable. And this is not going to make or break his. His. His business. There's plenty of ways to network on them.

[Holly]

That's what he post to me is like, what else should I try? Like, what else? Do it. Because he's done that. But it can't be linked to his. His boss's business. That has to be just him. Like, he had an excuse for that. When I asked him, like, what about LinkedIn or what about Reddit? And he was like, well, it can't be tied to my boss's business. It has to be just.

[Nick]

What does that mean?

[Holly]

I don't know.

[Nick]

I don't know either. Doesn't matter. Again, I don't think you should reason with this guy. I think you should be like, listen, Like, I don't. I want you to be successful, but if you're asking me to be okay with you around dating apps and I don't want to be in a relationship, that's it. It's that simple. I really don't care what the reason is. There's other ways to do your job. You can say what you want about me, but, like, I'm just not comfortable with my boyfriend being on dating apps. Like, you're mat. You're literally matching with my friends. My friends see you on there. Like, I'm just not. I'm just not doing this, but you have to be willing to walk away.

[Holly]

Yeah. And that's, like, probably what would happen, because I don't think that he would stop, which is like, that's like the hard part about it is like, I feel like it's like high risk.

[Nick]

Like, why, what, what do you, what is so different about this guy that, you know when you say he's the first person I've liked in so long.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

What makes him. So what makes him, what do you like about him?

[Holly]

Right. Like up until a few months ago, it's like the trajectory was really good. Like it was heading towards relationship.

[Nick]

What was good though? But that's what I'm saying. What you, you said, oh, well, part of the problem is the first person I've liked in a really long time. And again, I'm just looking at you. I don't have to know anything to know that like if you, this is not about, you can't find a boyfriend, maybe you are going after people who aren't good, you know, partners for you. Maybe you're picking areas that you could be less picky and maybe you're not picky enough in areas where you should be more picky. Maybe you're chasing a spark that, you know, 22 year old you is looking for, but maybe 38 year old you, who again is, you know, cognizant of her age and, and has certain goals. Like maybe you're chasing the wrong thing. Maybe you haven't adjusted how you're pursuing men since you've been 21. I don't know. But I think those are better questions to ask yourself and I think that's a better place to spend your energy than trying to debate with this guy about whether or why he should be on a dating app while he's calling you his girlfriend.

[Holly]

So that's the thing is like it was never, there was never a label. Right?

[Nick]

It was whatever, I don't care. Semantics. But you get my point, right? Like, you know, you're investing in this guy and the fact that you don't have a label is even more of a red flag crazy behavior. But my point stands is you are allowing this to go on because you are unwilling to set a boundary and you're unwilling to enforce it more specifically because enforcement enforcing it means you'd probably have to walk away. And you don't seem to be willing to do that. The fact that you're not willing to do that tells me a lot about your dating decisions.

[Holly]

No, I think you're right. Like, I think that that's, that's like fair to say that maybe I'm pursuing those that shouldn't be pursued, that aren't available.

[Nick]

So what did you like about this.

[Holly]

Guy, I felt like he was interested in me, which I, like, haven't felt in a while. So that, like, made me feel.

[Nick]

You haven't found anyone interested in you, period.

[Holly]

Not like, I'm. Mutually. I guess.

[Nick]

Okay, so that's the big thing. That. And I think it's important. But, like. So you're saying you haven't felt someone who you are interested in also is interested in you?

[Holly]

Right, Right.

[Nick]

But there have been other men interested in you, correct?

[Holly]

Not to the extent of this one. Like, this one, it was like, we're talking every day. We're, like, going on trips together. We're spending weekends together. Like, he had, like, why.

[Nick]

But why are you talking every day and taking trips with someone you've only known for a couple months? And why is that your barometer?

[Holly]

I guess that was how I, like, felt like he was interested in me because he was really, like, pursuing me.

[Nick]

I guess I just find it hard to believe that you're, like, there's no way. No men are interested in you. I think it's more the men that you're interested in aren't interested in you, which is. I feel like a common thing for most people out there, but I am curious about the type of men you're interested in. What's your type?

[Holly]

Tall, dark, and handsome.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Holly]

I mean, I know you're saying you're like. I find it really hard to believe that you're. You haven't found a boyfriend, but, like, yeah, no, I haven't. I've been on. I've been trying to find somebody for, I feel, like, years at this point. Someone who, like I said, where it's like, a real mutual connection, which I haven't been able to find up until right now. And I hear you when it's like, it's not this guy. He wouldn't be on the dating apps if he was interested in pursuing just.

[Nick]

You before this guy. Like, this. Like, how often are you talking with men before you go on a date?

[Michelle]

Like.

[Nick]

Like, are you having a problem matching with people? Or is it, like, at what point do things seem to, like, not go your way?

[Holly]

Usually after the first date. Like, honestly, that's been the trajectory with probably the last, like, five or six, where, you know, like, I. We meet up on a first date, and I feel like it's cool. It's great. Like, I'd love to see you again. And I get hit with a. I don't feel a romantic connection. I don't feel a spark. And there's been a lot of first date dates recently.

[Nick]

Okay. All right. Are you. Are. Are you hooking up with any of these guys on a first date?

[Holly]

No.

[Nick]

Okay. And how many of the first dates have you gone on recently where you feel like you want to go on a second date?

[Holly]

I mean, most of the time it's. It's most of them, like, right, where, like, I would like to see them again, but then I. They don't feel the same way until this one, right where he was really pursuing me.

[Nick]

The fact that you. You're telling me that most the first dates you go on, you're interested in a second date tells me that you are not on first dates focusing on getting to know these people. And you are. The energy you're most likely putting out is hope is trying to get these people to like you. And if that's the case, then you're probably A, not being yourself and B, you know, kind of giving a bit of a needy, desperate vibe. And I get it. Like, you know, if you get rejected, it can get in your head, your ego kind of, you know. But I guess my point is there's not that many great guys out there that if you really, really focused on asking yourself, am I interested in this person? Am I learning about this person on a first date? Are you spending a lot of time asking them questions and seeing if they answer, or are you doing most of the talking on first dates?

[Holly]

Most of the men that I've went out with recently have said that I'm really good at making them feel comfortable. So I guess to answer your question is, yeah, it's like I'm attracting men who are typically a little bit more shy and reserved and need some help out of their shell. And, like, I'm. I'm good at making them feel like they.

[Nick]

That's not. That's. That's not your job on a first date. You know, And I don't know if men are looking to feel comfortable on a first date. I think men. I think men want to feel excited just like women want to feel. You know, I think men like a challenge. You know, I think they want. I think men want to wonder if you like them. And in the first date, you're. You're making it very clear how you feel about them without even getting to know them. And there's a little bit of, like, not. Not being enough of a challenge.

[Holly]

Right. Like, maybe that's why, like, I could potentially be falling into a friend zone. Right. Is because I'm looking a little bit too eager.

[Nick]

Yeah. And again, it's not your job to make men feel comfortable on the first date. I mean, you know, you don't want to make them uncomfortable. It's not like I don't, you know, I'm not saying go, you know, show up and tease them or be rude or, you know, I don't know. But it's not your job to make sure that they're okay. You're. You're dating adult men. They should be able to handle themselves, I guess is my point. It's your job to learn as much as you can and decide after the date how you feel. Stop trying to get a second date before the first date ends. Go on a first date, be present, Find out what you, what do you want to learn? You know, ask more questions. Your job is to learn about them. It is an interview. You're interviewing them, and if they want to get to know you, they'll ask you questions. You know, you know, you don't have to be a mute. You can make small talk, but when it comes to, like, you know, getting to know them, you should try to get to know them. But I think you should keep your cards closer to the vest in terms of making it clear how you feel about them, especially on their first date. Partly right now you've been unlucky on first dates that you're just trying to get a second date. You don't even care with who you know.

[Holly]

That energy, I think it's, it's like, you know, when, like, we're talking on the apps and the conversation is flowing really well and it seems like there's potential and that, like, oh, we're going to meet face to face and it's going to go really well, right? Because that's like how it is in conversation over text. It's going really well, and then we meet face to face and then, and then it doesn't go well, right? It doesn't go the way that I thought that it would.

[Nick]

Well, first of all, you shouldn't go into a first date with much expectations, right? So you're, you're, you're talking to strangers online via text, and then at some point you agree to a first date. You don't know these people. So the fact that you're going in with an expectation of how you think it's going to go is a bit silly, right? You should, you should just go in, like, basically the mindset is he's done enough to get me to agree to go out with him and meet him in person. That's it. You know, that's not even an expectation. That's just like a fact. And then you're like, all right, I'm going to go on this dates. Well, you know, we've had some small talk on text. Who knows? Obviously, I'm interested in his pictures, but I guess let's see how tonight goes. Let's see. It's kind of like is the attitude you should have, you know, and you should be easy to get to know, you know, so if he wants to get to know you, you should be willing to answer his questions, you know, within reason. And you should come asking him questions. You know, you mentioned you do what so and so for work. That's, you know, what made you get into that? Oh, do you like it? Do you think you'll stay in it for a while? Like, what are your, you know, what else do you do, you know, look and you find you figure out if you have some common ground, like what TV shows or what are you into? Like, Like, I don't know. The fact that you have a common theme of men saying you make them feel safe and secure is like, I'm guessing pretty early on, you weirdly let them know that you're kind of like, into them, you know, and that puts them in a position of power and in control. And now they have to no longer be nervous about, does this girl like me? And there's a. There's a benefit to, like, those kind of nerves that you have. It keeps you on your toes a little bit. People like a challenge, and you're not presenting enough of a challenge, you know, and ask your friends, but do your. Do your pictures you have in your dating app accurately portray what you look like in person?

[Holly]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Ask your friends and verify that. I'm not saying they don't, but just make sure there are, like, there are.

[Holly]

Some of just me. There are some with friends. There are some. There's full body photos.

[Nick]

Right.

[Holly]

So, like, you do get, like, an accurate depiction of what I look like.

[Nick]

Great. And as long as you think it's updated and accurate, you know, just like you don't want to. The only other argument, you know, the only possibility is like, you have three or five pictures that don't really, you know, and then they meet you in person. They're like, yeah, you don't look like your photos, which for anyone would be like, wait, what else are you hiding? So assuming that's not the case, then, you know, there's a reason why you're striking out on the first date. And I think a lot has to do with the energy you're bringing in the date and the need for these. A need for validation. The number one reason that you said why you like this guy so much is just because how he feel about you not be how he treated you. And him liking you made you feel good, which is a human thing, but it shouldn't be enough to make you stay or just, or commit.

[Holly]

I think you're right, like, on all fronts that, like, yes. On the first date, in the situation with this guy where it's like, I'm, I'm like, making it too easy. Where it's like, they know that they've already, like, locked me in because I'm like, giving, giving that vibe off. Right. That, like, I already like you so they don't really have to do any work anymore. Which is. Yeah, exactly what he's doing. Oh.

[Nick]

And most people are just kind of like, oh, well, why do you like me so much? That's kind of weird. It's like, it's, it seems that, you know. But I do think people like people, sense people's energy. And you clearly give a, you're giving off a bit of a need for validation.

[Holly]

No, I've heard. I agree with that. I do. It's like, I, I, I really want to find my person.

[Nick]

Right.

[Holly]

So it's like, I don't know, maybe I'm making that, like, too clear in the very beginning that, yeah. If I'm interested in you, like, I don't, I think it's like, I don't want you to wonder. Right. I want you to know, like, where I'm at and how I'm feeling. And if I, like, I like the vibe and I want to continue to get to know you, I, like, I guess I don't have a problem with, like, expressing that. So that way you don't have a question of where I'm at.

[Nick]

Yeah. And that's great. And I want you to maintain that. But you are expressing that without any information. You're not learning enough about these guys for you to be expressing that.

[Holly]

Right. Because it is just a first date. Right.

[Nick]

And again, you should wait till the date's over before you evaluate it. Within reason. But right now, since you are someone who is. Sounds like on every first date you have before the first date ends, you let them know that you want a second date. And I'm guessing much earlier than that, you give off the energy that you're all in. You need to stop that.

[Holly]

More of a chase, right?

[Nick]

Yeah. I mean, if you were someone who, like, typically doesn't do that. And then, you know, you got swept off your feet on a first date, and you, you know, you showed a little enthusiasm, then, fine. But these men shouldn't have the opportunity to reject you while you're on the first date.

[Holly]

Yeah. I mean, I haven't looked at it like this before.

[Nick]

I would love for them to wonder how you feel about them.

[Holly]

Right.

[Nick]

And. And that alone will make you more attractive to them. Think about they mean just the way you answer your question. And, you know, for the same reason why you have gotten into this rut is that, like, you haven't gotten the validation you needed. And now you're focused on getting validation, and it's made you like a bunch of men that you might not otherwise.

[Holly]

Like, I'm liking them just because they, like. I feel like they like me.

[Nick]

Yeah. Now, you don't want a guy to like you just because you don't like them, but you need to. To. You need to take some of your power back. And you're clearly giving way too much too early on on first dates. When was the last time you taken a. You took a break from dating?

[Holly]

It's probably been a while.

[Nick]

Okay, take a break. I think you need to take a. I think you need to take a break, even if it's for a couple weeks, maybe a month. Right? Like, first of all, you need to, like, figure out this guy. But I think. I hope you take my advice and just say, I. I'm just. I'm not okay with this. Right. So either you figure out another way to meet your number or, like, I honestly just. I don't think we should hang out anymore.

[Holly]

And that was kind of like the. The last conversation was a little bit of me, like, putting my foot down when we spoke a couple of days ago, because, like I said, he brought it up that my roommate had, like, matched with him. I told him that, like, I wish you could understand, like, how this looks to me that, like, people don't go on a dating app to network their business. They go on looking to, around and find out. Or it's like, hey, I'm looking for something serious, but not looking to rush into anything. They don't go into it with, I'm trying to sell business. Right? They go into it looking for a partner, whatever that may mean to you. They're looking for something romantic or something physical. And I was like, I wish you could just see how this looks to me and how, like, stupid and foolish I look. That, like, you tell me that you want to just be Friends. And then you hop right back on a dating app. Like, I wish you could see how stupid that makes me. And, like, how disrespectful it is to me, honestly. And his response to that was that he's being very selfish and he's tried to express that to me. And this is a perfect example of it.

[Michelle]

Of.

[Holly]

He's about him. He's about his health and his business right now and getting back on these apps, knowing that where I'm at is a risk he's willing to take because.

[Nick]

He knows you put up with it already. Yeah, yeah, just stop putting up with this. So instead of saying, well, I wish you could see my point of view. You don't. No, just be like, the fact that you can't see my point of view tells me everything I need to know about how serious you are about this or me. And it's a bummer because I was definitely really excited about you. But, like, I don't know. I'm just not into this. I'm 38 years old. I don't have fucking time to waste on this type of. On these games. So, like, like, you know, it's fun. It's been fun. And you got to talk like that. You got to talk like, this is stupid and it's beneath you. Like, the. I wish you could see my side is you pleading with him and begging him. That's, you know, that's you saying you're. That's. That's. It gives child. And I don't mean that like, I'm trying, not trying to be mean. It's like a parent, child relationship. Please, Mom. Please, dad, please, can you understand? Please let. Please, you know, you're begging, and he has all the power. And so the reason why he's willing to take that risk is because he feels very much in control of this relationship.

[Holly]

Right. That I'm not going to walk away. He can do it again.

[Nick]

And all he has to do is. And the only thing he has to do is kind of put up with having to have these conversations on a somewhat regular basis. So stop begging, stop asking, and just tell him exactly how you feel and what you're not or what you are willing to put up with and then follow through and then assuming you actually walk away. And I would strongly reconsider. I just, like, I just don't think. Regardless of, you know, can you really trust that he's off these apps? I don't fucking know. I just. The fact that he is so willing to ask you to do this tells me Everything you need to know about this guy and the fact that you liked him mostly solely based off of the affection he showed you means that, like, maybe he's just the type of guy who's really, you know, that's what works for him. Him, you know, he's good at, like, you know, the love bombing aspect, but it's just like he comes out of the gates fast, he gets you locked in with a lot of affection, and then two or three months later, you know, he starts pulling, you know, out these, like, weird behaviors. I'd be willing to bet a large sum of money that if you ran into ex girlfriends of his, they would have a similar story to tell about how he came out of the gates early, strong, hot and heavy, and then once things got a little comfortable, he started pulling some shit.

[Holly]

Yeah, I would be curious.

[Nick]

Well, no, I mean, I don't want you to be curious. I don't want you just assume that's the case. I don't need you tracking down his exes. But let's assume that you move on from this guy. The fact that you haven't taken a break in a while is I think you need to take a break and I think you need to focus on yourself a little bit, you know, whatever that means to you. You know, hang out with the girls, take a vacation, get into, you know, invest in yourself a little bit, focus on you a little bit. At least take a couple weeks off, delete the apps for a while, maybe a month or two. Get back out there with a better game plan of how you want to approach first dates. Because right now you're just kind of spiraling. You're just use a sports analogy. When, when someone's in a slump, especially a baseball, sometimes they're. The manager just has them sit a few games, just reset, you know, get out of your head. Because right now you're just, you're just, you're, you're taking on water, so to speak, you know, and you're, you're way too reactive on dates. You're reacting to the situation. You're not in control of the situation. And that's just because you just, you know, you probably just, you're feeling a little too rejected a little too often, and right now you're just trying to avoid the rejection and you're not trying to get to know these guys.

[Holly]

I think like too, like breeding too much into situations. Because like, when I say like, the day to day hasn't really changed, like, he still hits me up every day. He still wants to See me every weekend. We're still, like, planning trips together.

[Nick]

So it's like, I mean, if I were you, I wouldn't reach out to him.

[Holly]

No, I don't reach out. It's him coming to me.

[Nick]

Great. All right, well, next time he reaches out, just say, hey, listen, I'm not okay with this. So I've thought a lot about this. I'm not here to discuss this or debate this, but if you want to keep seeing me and you want to take this seriously, I need you to get it off the dating apps. If that's not something you're willing to do, then this is goodbye. That's it.

[Holly]

And just, like, be firm with that.

[Nick]

Because, like, that's the hard part. It is. But again, you are 38, right? And if, you know, you stop using your biological clock as an excuse, if you're going to be willing to waste your energy and time on men who clearly are showing you that they're not taking you seriously, you're using that as an excuse to, like, put up with these guys. And in fact, what they are is showing you that they're wasting your time. So you're better off being open and available and single to meet someone who's willing to respect you and prioritize you than to continue to invest in people who have already shown you that they're not.

[Holly]

I just feel like. Like, what's hard for me is that besides the being on the dating apps, like, it seemed like that's where. That's what he was doing. He was investing and pursuing and, like.

[Nick]

Yeah, but it's early, though. It's like, again, people, like, some people just love to come on hot and heavy. Some people start out strong. There's a lot of people out there, specifically guys who they like having girlfriends, right? They don't like being boyfriends, but they like having girlfriends. And then they want to have the security and consistency and comfort of having a girlfriend. So they. And they know what women like you like. They want to. They want that validation. They want that excitement, the trips, the consistency of him reaching out. These, like you said, like, some of these are like green flags, right? But again, once they feel like you're getting comfortable and enjoying the things that they're providing, that's when they start pulling out this weird behavior or they start, like, you know, seeing what they can get away with. And the truth is, like, this type of behavior, he doesn't know you much either. So, like, he shouldn't be liking you this strongly this. This early because he doesn't get to know you. When people say, oh, I really like you, it should make sense.

[Holly]

It's like what my therapist says. She's like, you have to really think about like if you allowing him access to you is hurting you or helping you in the long run.

[Nick]

Like, Right, yeah, clearly hurting you. You know, I think what's hard for.

[Holly]

Me to forget is that like, yeah, he's on the apps like, because he tells me that it's to solicit and to make friends and he doesn't know who.

[Nick]

Again, let's just, let's just assume he's telling the truth. Truth.

[Holly]

Yeah.

[Nick]

It's still, it's not something you need to put up with. It's not something you have to accept. I'm just not interested, like, I just, I'm not interested in that.

[Holly]

I need to have some self respect and some value for myself that like to know that that's not acceptable. If I'm.

[Nick]

And you don't need to even say that to him. You should say that to yourself. But like, you just be like, this is, this is stupid. I don't even know why I entertain this. I don't.

[Holly]

And I don't. That's why I don't know why I'm entertaining this.

[Nick]

Yeah. So if he reaches out, don't answer and text him. I don't. You don't need to talk to him. Whatever you need to do to feel the most confident in order to enforce this boundary, do that.

[Holly]

Which would probably not corresponding with him, not talking to him.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Holly]

Take the power back that like you don't get to.

[Nick]

I mean if you have to ghost him, so be it. But I think you standing up for yourself and you communicating that you're going to enforce this boundary is something you need to start practicing.

[Holly]

Yeah, no, I agree.

[Nick]

But you can do it over text.

[Holly]

You don't have to see him again. Right?

[Nick]

You definitely do not have to see him again.

[Holly]

I just like really have to remember that like he's spoken his piece. This is his truth. He's on the dating apps. And that's what I, I have to remember. I like, I really cannot think about, you know, the how it's been the last three months and the things that we have planned for the future. Like that is null and void when you tell me that you want to just be friends and then hop right back on a dating app.

[Nick]

Yes. And then, and then I want you to take a break from dating for a while. Build up some of that self confidence, Hang out with your girls, surround yourself with People who make you feel good about yourself, who, you know, serious. I'm being serious. You know, because right now you're spending way too much energy on dating, and you're going out with these people who are. Who are strangers, and via. The rejection you're feeling on first dates is making you feel less and less confident, you know, and that's. And that's part of the reason why you're allowing this type of behavior to go on.

[Holly]

No, I think you're right. This is, like, what I needed to hear. I needed a little reality check and some tough love.

[Nick]

Well, so I'm here. Please, please keep us posted on what. What. What ends up happening. But you are very much in control of your dating life, and you are acting like you're. It's. You're not, and it's up to you to change it so your love life is not the lost cause that you make it out to be.

[Holly]

Well, thank you.

[Nick]

And when you're ready to get back out there, take it slow.

[Holly]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And remember that a first date is about getting to know them and seeing if you're willing to waste more time to give them another opportunity to get to know you a little bit more. And then stop asking for the second date. On the first date, let them wonder how they feel, how you feel about them.

[Holly]

Leave a little mystery.

[Nick]

Yeah. You know? Okay. All right.

[Holly]

Well, thank you, Nick. Appreciate it.

[Nick]

Good luck out there.

[Holly]

Thank you. You as well.

[Nick]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[Holly]

Bye.

[Nick]

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[Michelle]

Okay, good. I'm Michelle. I'm 34, and I broke up with my stoner boyfriend. But now I'm wondering if I should have just gotten past that.

[Nick]

Let's find out. When you say your stoner boyfriend, how much is he smoking weed?

[Michelle]

Assuming he was transparent with me about it. When we first met, he, like, had, like, a vape pen. You know, he would. And he had, like, a job where he could. He could do it at work and still, like, do his job, so. So to my knowledge, he was doing it, like, every day on his lunch break, I assume, like, in the morning when he woke up, and then every day after work, consistently.

[Nick]

Did he go around life looking like he was always fucked up?

[Michelle]

No, he. I wouldn't have known, really, unless he told me.

[Nick]

Oh, okay. Well, that matters. Why does he smoke weed?

[Michelle]

I can't speak for him exactly, but from what he told me, just in.

[Nick]

Your opinion, he's had. And from your perspective, he's had, like.

[Michelle]

Depression, anxiety, like, trauma. He was like an ex military person. Like, I think he's tried antidepressants. He's tried other things to help with his depression, and, like, those didn't work. He didn't like the side effects. And this was, like, the thing that he found that helped him deal with life and his depression is what he told me. He said he was just bored? I think so, yeah. I mean, I guess I believed him.

[Nick]

But him is saying part of it is he's just bored is a pretty honest answer.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And so, like, on our, like, third date, he told me, and I was like, okay, that's. That's not really, like, what I'm into. And, you know, I don't. I'm not sure if this is going to work out.

[Nick]

Why aren't you into it? I mean. And there's no wrong answer. I'm just. Honestly just asking questions. And what do you mean by not into it?

[Michelle]

Because I've dated people that this, like, they've done it frequently before. And I think just like, having a partner who's, like, a little buzzed all the time and, like, not fully present bugs me.

[Nick]

Do you feel like he's not fully present?

[Michelle]

I think so. I just, like, I. I don't know, I wanted him to not be altered all the time and just be sober.

[Nick]

Because you felt like he was altered or based off the principle of it. It's like you just knew he was doing it and that just bothered you.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I think, yeah. Just knowing he was doing it, but.

[Nick]

Like you said, you might not have, you know, not that it would be okay that he would hide it from you, but if you had never known, you might not know know.

[Michelle]

Yeah. So he told me he was tapering it off. He quit for, like, two months because he said, I want you to know that it doesn't change my personality. I want you to see me, like, sober. So he did quit for two months, like, cold turkey. So I got to see him without it. But then he slowly started doing it more and more again, and then he started hiding it from me, which was, like, the main reason why we broke up.

[Nick]

How long were you dating?

[Michelle]

For, like, seven or eight months. Like, long enough for it to feel, like, pretty serious and, like, I could have seen a future with this person.

[Nick]

What did you like about him?

[Michelle]

He was really kind. He was really patient. He was really outdoorsy. We would go camping and, like, snowboarding. Was a really good dog. Dad to my dog. He was just like a good human.

[Nick]

Do you miss him?

[Michelle]

Yeah. I mean, especially. It's a little bleak out here in the dating world, and I don't know, I'm just like, what if every other person I date is, like, not as good of a human as he is, is, but doesn't smoke weed? You know, like.

[Nick]

Yeah, good question.

[Michelle]

Yeah, the hiding it from me thing was like, the what ended our relationship. But I'm like, well, if I hadn't told him it bugged me so much, he wouldn't have been hiding it. And then we would.

[Nick]

Well, it doesn't make it okay that you hit it, but, like, when you say hit it, how much would. Like, was he just kind of trying to avoid doing it around you, or was he flat out just lying to you?

[Michelle]

He would just avoid doing it around me.

[Nick]

Okay. Not quite the same, though, then. Yeah, but it's lying.

[Michelle]

I told him, like, I'm okay with you doing it on the weekends. Like, if you could just not do it every day, like, all day during the work week, that, like, I could try to get over it and. But he was doing it while I was at work because I work late shifts, and he was just doing it all day, which was not, like, the compromise that we agreed on.

[Nick]

I smoke weed. I think people know that I've been trying to cut back drastically. I'm. I'm currently on a. No weed weed weekdays. I am allowing myself to do it on the weekend. I am not someone who's ever, like, abused substance, and I like to be in control. But the reality is, is that I, as I Didn't start until I was an adult, but I do suffer from anxiety. It's been a challenge. Again, I don't love that. I'm on it. And I'm sure I would be willing to bet that he probably doesn't like that. He's reliant on it either, I'm guessing. Right? Is that. Do you think that's fair?

[Michelle]

It never seemed to bother him after I broke up with him over it. Now he's saying that he realizes he has a dependency on it, and he's, like, trying to just quit because he, you know, it, like, he was happy with me, and he wishes he hadn't let this, like, ruin our relationship. I don't know. At the time, it seemed like he didn't care. Like, that he was doing it all the time, so.

[Nick]

And by the way, do you drink alcohol?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Nick]

How much? That. Oh, my God.

[Michelle]

We f. We fought about it all the time because, I mean, I didn't drink every day, but maybe like, four or five times a week.

[Nick]

Four or five times a week.

[Michelle]

I damn well like a beer. You know, like, once he started the whole, like, not smoking during the week, just on the weekends thing, I just started drinking on the weekends because I felt like that was, like, a fair compromise. So I've been drinking less, but we would fight about it a lot. Be like, well, what. What's the difference between me smoking and you drinking? But I just. I didn't want to drink every day.

[Nick]

Yes. Someone like me, I think there's a huge difference. And I think alcohol. I mean, fuck, it's not even a debate. The stats on how damaging alcohol can be. So, yeah, there's a bit of hypocrisy coming from your end a tad.

[Michelle]

I know.

[Nick]

But we also recognize that, like, we have a culture. Like, I. I am not super comfortable acknowledging my weed smoking because I know people listening. There's. There's some opinions about it. And regardless of the facts about alcohol versus weed, is that we have a culture that not only accepts alcohol, but embraces alcohol. In fact, we have a culture that almost like, if you don't. If you don't drink alcohol, period, a lot of people find you weird. It's like, oh, you don't drink at all. Yuck. Right? And then. But for people who might smoke weed, there's, like, this judgment of, like, oh, you're some sort of drug. And I get it, like, for most of my life, I mean, honestly, it's still federally illegal to smoke marijuana. So, like, the facts are. Is that you are Ending a relationship with someone that you think is a good guy, that you have a good connection with, that someone you enjoy spending time with, mostly based off of what society has told you to feel about weed versus alcohol. And when you put it like that, that seems a little silly.

[Michelle]

But I feel like if he did smoke or, like, did drink every day on his lunch break and then drank as soon as he got home and then drank before he went to bed, I think that would bug me, too.

[Nick]

Maybe. So. Yeah, I don't doubt that. But, like, also, his behavior might change, too. And like you said is, you don't even. You wouldn't even notice. And also, Natalie fucking hates that I smoke weed. Hates. And at first she didn't. To be clear, if I took edibles, she'd be fine with it. But that's me trying to cut down. That's me being like, you know what? I'd rather just see if I could, like, taper down here. I don't want to be using it every day. I don't want to become reliant on it. I need to hold myself a little bit more accountable. That's a choice I'm making. My wife is challenging me to take better care of myself, you know, and so I think a couple can do that. Right. I think there's a difference between arguing over semantics about weed versus alcohol, and there's a difference between helping each other be the healthiest, best versions of themselves versus telling them what they can't do or making your partner feel like they have to covertly use something that, quite frankly, might help him out.

[Michelle]

Yeah. I guess I just, like, wish I could have been in his brain because I know some. Like, he said it, you know, because he has such a tolerance to it. Like, it's not like he's, like, blasted. You know, he's not, like, super high, out of his mind.

[Nick]

You're getting mad for all the wrong reasons from. Yeah. And listen, I. I want to be clear that I. I'm not criticizing your. You know, not loving that he's so reliant on it, but ending a relationship versus, like, being willing to work with him on this, especially. He hasn't demonstrated any destructive behavior or he has. You know, you could almost argue that he's sadly a better version of himself. You know, maybe he's a little more calm. Maybe he's a lot less anxious. I am better in social settings when I'm a little. When I. When I have my friend. Yeah. You know, with me. Right. What I. When I don't. I Can be more introverted. I can be, you know, a little socially awkward. It helps. It helps me for the same reason why people drink when they're out. You know, he seems also willing to work with you. It's not like he's just like, listen, I don't. You're crazy. I'm right, you're wrong. I'm not going to stop. You can't tell me what he's not doing that. He has tried to show you. He quit for two months. He got back on it. But, yeah, he's having a hard time letting it go. But I think you're going to get a lot further with him just, you know, reminding him of the fact that you would like to see him control it a little better than he has. Be willing to not be so black and white about it. Especially since you drink on a pretty regular basis.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I just lost my shit whenever he was, like, lying about it because I was like, you know, it felt like we were working on it together until he just was like, I guess in his brain. Well, she's still going to be bothered by it, so I'm just going to do it and not tell her.

[Nick]

Yeah. I mean, again, I don't. In this particular argument, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not defending it. It's not. It's not okay for him to do that. He also partly, like, I don't need. I'm an adult. I don't need her permission to smoke weed. And it obviously bothers her. So, like, it's not healthy behavior. I'm not saying it's right that he was doing that. I think you were both making mistakes from where I stand. But you did end up breaking up with him for it.

[Michelle]

But, yeah, I. Because I was being paranoid and I. He was, like, at my house, like, watching my dog until I got off work, and I, like, looked on my Rover camera and he was on my porch doing it with my dog. And then he lied. I, like, asked him about it later and he lied about it.

[Nick]

Oh, so he did lie.

[Michelle]

Yeah, and brushed his teeth and washed his face so I wouldn't smell it on him. And, like, and it was my weed, too, that he was. He, like, smoked and then he, like, put it back in the bottom of the thing and so I wouldn't know that he had done that. So that was when I lost my. About it. I was like, okay, well, this, you know, isn't going to get any better if you're just lying about it now.

[Nick]

Relationships are hard. As I'M sure you know, and to make a relationship work over the course of time, it's really important you find someone that you respect as a person that treats you well, that you have a lot of, you know, that you like their character, you have a lot in common, you enjoy each other's company and nitpick some small, slightly unhealthy habits, you know, might not be the hill to die on. I think you have the right to say, hey, listen, like, you obviously know I don't love the weed smoking. I would love for you to try to work on your reliance and have some kind of boundaries, but ultimately, you're an adult man. I'm not going to tell you when you can and cannot smoke. Now, keep in mind, like, if he's smoking, you know, grass and it's smoke, you have the right to be like, that's just kind of, like, gross, and you smell. And those are other things you can work through as a couple to find that balance. You're right. It is tough out there to find good people, and it sounds like maybe you found one. And I would be willing to bet that his, his. His nasty little habit, you know, helps him out, you know, especially as a. A veteran, you know, might have some ptsd, suffers from anxiety, you know. Again, if he was medicating, you wouldn't have a problem with that.

[Michelle]

Yeah. Where I'm at now is he is, like, begging me to work it out. And he's not, like, calling and texting me as much because I told him to stop. But, like, if tomorrow, if I called him and I was like, hey, I've been thinking about it and I want to try to work it out like he would, which is what's, like, so confusing.

[Nick]

What's confusing? He likes you.

[Michelle]

But we, like, we fought about it so much, we're still going to fight about it all the time.

[Nick]

I feel like, well, if you don't let it go, for sure, yes. If you're like, if you are not willing to change, then you shouldn't get it back together. You need to let some of this go. You need to recognize a little bit of your hypocrisy. I'm not telling you to completely get over it, and I'm not saying that you have to, to not challenge him to, again, be a healthier version of himself. But I think you can do that without being a nag or someone who's, like, spying on him or, like, trying to catch him in the act, you know, or letting it, like, get to you over the principle of it, because you see him smoking on your, you know, web, whatever, like, let the man live a little bit. But yeah, you can challenge him to reduce how much he is doing it and try to find the middle ground here. Because as someone who like, like him and developed a bit of a reliance, like, you know, I'm sure he wants to be a healthy version, too. And I'm sure he can recognize it's like, you know, maybe I do do it too much, and I think he can do that. But, yeah, if you're not going to change, you're not going to change your point of view at all and you're going to, like, dig your heels in the ground and just say, hey, it's the principle of it. It just bothers me and I don't know why, and there's nothing I can do about it. So I need you to change then. Yeah, don't get back together.

[Michelle]

I mean, he, he did change how much he was doing it, but he still thinks there's, like, nothing wrong with doing, doing it, like every night.

[Nick]

I mean, I don't, I mean, like, listen, like, marijuana does affect your brain. There are, there are side effects to it. There's, you know, there's side effects to any, any type of medication. Give her, I mean, turn on the, Turn on the tv.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Hey, take this drug for this benefit and then give us 30 seconds to list the nasty side effects you might experience. So we're just going to say it real fast so you kind of ignore it. But, like, you know, but yes, like, there are consequences to everything. But, yeah, I don't. I mean, it might make him sleep better. Might make him, like, I don't know, like the, the fact that you can say, I wouldn't. I might not even know he was doing it if he didn't tell me. I think it's something you should think about.

[Michelle]

I know.

[Nick]

What are you giving up? I mean, like, you like this guy. You like the. You like the person he is. You miss him when you're not with him.

[Michelle]

I know, but I don't know. I just. I didn't like the idea that seemed like he needed to be high to enjoy spending time with me. Like, it felt like he was a little grumpy.

[Nick]

I mean, I don't know.

[Michelle]

Without it.

[Nick]

You know, sometimes I honestly feel like I have a broken brain. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very good at some things and very, very, very, very bad at other things. And one of the things I'm very bad at. It does feel like sometimes weed Helps me be a little better at those things, especially in social situations. There's also a negative to it and it can be both. Again, it's all a little out of sight, out of mind. I want to say the point again, but if he was medicating every day and he just had to take one pill, but that one pill helped, helped him in very similar ways that weed does, would you want him to not take that pill? Because out of your own insecurities of him able to enjoy you and. Yeah, I mean, I imagine he would be grumpy if he's like, like feels like he does benefit from the effects of marijuana and then he can enjoy those benefits and he might feel it has not been fun for me for no weed weekdays. I'll be honest, like, the first couple days last week were not fun. I mean, I felt like I was going to explode.

[Michelle]

Yeah. I don't know. We would like go on a hike and he would usually had a summit joint and he was like, grumpy that he wasn't having a summit joint or we would go paddleboarding and he was like, grumpy that he wants.

[Nick]

Those are good times. I have weed, I will say, but part, part of, part of it is it's like, you know, no one wants to be mothered in a relationship.

[Michelle]

I know.

[Nick]

Yeah. What I think your, your guys problem, both of you, is you haven't been able to strike that balance. It has become too combative. And I don't think you approached this with, you know, more of a. A team thing. And they're like, hey, listen, like, do you. You're an adult man. But like, you weren't challenging him to be a healthier version of himself. You were like, you were based off of mostly principles and society's point of view on weed. You decided that it bothered you and you decided to put your foot down. And that felt to him, I'm guessing, a little petty. And I would be grumpy too, if I was not able to enjoy what I wanted to enjoy. Because my girlfriend has a particular point of view mostly based off of office society while we get done from the paddle board and she cracks open a beer.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And I mean, I wasn't drinking as much. I was aware of the hypocrisy and I.

[Nick]

You get my point.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I think you've gotten in your head a little bit about what you think it means and yada, yada, yada. And what I'm hearing is two good people met each other and you guys really like, like a very Much. And you know, you're talking pet peeves, non negotiables, which I often do. You are making a big deal over what is a pet peeve. But a non negotiable would be like, you know, how he treats you, how he treats others. You know the type of person he is. It's like, yeah, you know, I would love my boyfriend not to smoke weed, but he is a great guy. He's enjoyable. We like our be like, I find him attractive. He's good around my family. He's good with your dog, yada yada. Like, he's a good person person and he likes me and I like him. And those are some good non negotiables to have.

[Michelle]

It just seemed like he wasn't trying other ways to like, I was aware he had mental health issues. He was open about that.

[Nick]

But like, like, what other way? I mean, he's fine. Is he? Maybe he's not in therapy. I'm. I'm in therapy. I'm therapied the up. I still like weed.

[Michelle]

Well, like, he wasn't like sleeping enough. He wasn't like eating healthy. He wasn't like, he's never tried to go to therapy or like talk about his feelings or like try to coke trying.

[Nick]

And you can still do that. You can still challenge him to do that. But I, you know, I don't know if it's like, I need you to go to therapy so you can stop mo smoking weed. Maybe if you backed off on the weed stuff, you, you would get a little further with how he, you know, granted. That being said, I will say no weed weekdays has. I'm eating a lot less cereal at night.

[Michelle]

I would always like find a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the trash can. And I was like, somebody smoked here. I can.

[Nick]

Yeah, so that's a valid, that is a valid gripe that you can have. You know, again, you can find the middle ground. Like, Natalie very much does not like my weed smoking. She is very much on a regular basis, has challenged me to reduce it. I am not worried about my wife leaving me.

[Michelle]

I tried for months to like just deal with it, but I, I don't know. I just.

[Nick]

Yeah, because you're very much set in your ways. You're having a hard time letting it go.

[Michelle]

But the main reason I ended it was I was being a little crazy. I like stalked his location and find my friends and I was like, he went to a dispensary, that motherfucker. And like, and like he was like hiding it from me towards the end.

[Nick]

But because you're, because you're checking his location.

[Michelle]

I know. Because he was, I don't know, I felt in my gut like he was hiding it from.

[Nick]

You're both, you're both being wrong here, I guess is what I'm saying. You know, like, I think you both could be handling this situation better, but from what I am hearing, it seems like, yeah, you're, you're maybe letting a good thing go. I, I promise you that if you don't get back together with this guy, you move on, you start ding someone else and your new boyfriend or guy you're hanging out with demonstrates like some boy behavior or doesn't treat you well or you know, is kind of a dick to your friends, whatever, you will wish that you were dating the weed smoker.

[Michelle]

I know. And all, like a lot of my friends husbands do it a lot. And one of my friends is even like, yeah, I think he's like a better dad sometimes because he's a little more patient and he's a little like in a better mood. And a lot of my friends, it doesn't bother them that their husbands do it. And I don't know why. I couldn't get past it. And like, I tried for like seven months and I just.

[Nick]

Are you in therapy?

[Michelle]

No, I.

[Nick]

Why do you want him to go to therapy? It's tough to challenge someone to go to therapy if you're not in therapy.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I. Because he like has had like suicidal ideations and stuff before. Like, I know he really needed it more than like, I have, but I get it.

[Nick]

But my point still stands that you don't need to have suicidal ideations to prioritize your mental health. And the fact that you can acknowledge that you can't get over this, even though you realize that maybe you should, is maybe something you could work on through therapy. Maybe there's a reason why, why you're having a hard time letting this go. Maybe there's a reason why you're so principled about something that quite honestly is more of a pet peeve than a non negotiable. Maybe your mental health challenges aren't as pronounced as his and aren't. Aren't as severe as his like, you know, having suicidal ideations. But you, you know, our mental health affects all of us and it affects our interpersonal relationships and you know, and it's effect, you know, so stalking his location to spy on him, you know, is like a thing. It's like a thing you shouldn't be doing. You know, and that might be something you could work on, you know, with a therapist.

[Michelle]

I was being crazy at the end and I wasn't trusting him and I thought he was hiding it, which is why I like was, yeah, spons, like watching his location and why I saw him on my Rover cam doing it, because I was spiraling. So I know, I mean, I know I had my, my problems in that relationship too, but yeah, you're right. Yeah, I could go into my next relationship and yeah, the guy could be treat me way worse and not smoke a ton of weed and I will regret it.

[Nick]

I just go back to, if he was medicated up, you wouldn't be doing this. And all the things that bother you about weed, you should in theory bother you about taking medicine. If him being medicated changes his mood or behavior in any way, then he is somewhat reliant on that. Right. And then there, you know, because you're, you said earlier it's this way. I, I feel like maybe he can't enjoy my presence without weed. Okay, well, what if the same was true about medication?

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, for people who severely suffer with ADHD and have to medicate for that? I mean, yeah, they, they're probably a lot less enjoyable off their medication, especially once they become reliant on it. Are you going to sit there and like make it about you in that moment where we're like, well, you wouldn't enjoy me without your medication and therefore I feel less important? Wouldn't. You know, like, you wouldn't. So you have a, you have a stigma in your head about a thing, which I get it, a lot of people do. You're not the only one. But when you're objective about it and realize that like, you know, weed is a form of medication, it's just a more less commercialized version and certainly less socially acceptable. You know, one could argue it's less destructive than some of the more socially acceptable means out there. Yeah, this is definitely a pet peeve versus a non negotiable situation and you needing to reprioritize.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And I've heard other people that you've talked to talk about like the lack of motivation that their partners have. And I think that was another thing that really bothered me was like I, he didn't, he hated his job, but he wouldn't apply for a better job. And he was, he seemed like it was affecting his general life just because he didn't seem super motivated and just kind of complacent.

[Nick]

And that's fair. But you know, we've been talking for, I don't know, 30 minutes, and this is the first. You know, so clearly that's not why you broke up with him, though, is kind of my point.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

So. And that. But that you have a right to be bothered by that, you know, and. But you're also. Imagine where he might be with that. If you are channeling your energy to support him and motivate him and suggest ideas in which, you know, he could. But right now you're just fucking hounding him about weed. And he's spending most of his energy while he's with you fighting, you know, fighting you with you about weed. That energy could be maybe channeled into more productive outlets. I don't know.

[Michelle]

I think it's just the fact that my experience with weed is so different than his.

[Nick]

I respond to alcohol different than my friends. I'm a very casual drinker. I don't. I don't drink all that much. You know, I have one drink that's pretty. You know, I like to enjoy the taste of alcohol from time to time, but I don't drink in any type of consumption. I don't remember the last time I was buzzed off of alcohol.

[Michelle]

I just. I couldn't understand, like, what was going on in his brain because when I have smoked, I, like, don't. I'm very foggy and.

[Nick]

But you're not him. You're. You have. You have a different body. Some people can be around dogs and be great. Some people are allergic. Some people can eat peanuts and some people die from them.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You don't have to understand why. You know, you just have to accept that it's something he does. You don't even have to like it. You just have to allow him. You maybe just have to accept that it is something he does and. And find the middle ground to have him challenge himself to maybe not be so reliant on it, but, like, stop short of policing him, which you are.

[Michelle]

I tried to just not let it bother me, and it never. I never could get it to not bother me.

[Nick]

And I get it. Yeah, but therapy, that's a you problem. You know what I'm saying? But. And that's why I say therapy, because, like, when we get mentally stuck, that's an opportunity for therapy to have its benefits. And we all get mentally stuck from time to time. You're mentally stuck on this. You don't even have a logical reason as to why. It just does. And that's a very human feeling that you're feeling, but that's kind of my point. So we can continue to go back and forth. You're clearly mentally stuck on this. I'm not going to be able to convince you to just be okay with it. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy. And again, I don't really care if you don't want to be with the guy, you know, but it sure sounds like it's. I hate that you, you, you can acknowledge it's tough out there to date and that you found a guy that you care about and cares about you and you miss him, you know, and he treats you well. And the one thing that bothers you is weed. And like, the second thing that kind of bothers is motivation. But like, you know, and that's a real, you know, that's a real thing. But you're not talking about that too much.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I mean, the other stuff, I could have looked past that. Like, he hated his job and he wasn't super motivated, but for whatever reason, just the.

[Nick]

I would if I were you. That would bother me more than the weed.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And I don't know, but I just think it affected his whole lifestyle and I don't know, but also like the smell and the. Yeah, his beard smelling, like, that's valid.

[Nick]

But again, like, he could, he could take edibles. He can get a pen, you know, like, like, again, he can definitely cut back. If he didn't think he had to hide it from you, then he could just smoke. Go wash up, Wash his beard, wash his face. Dude, Take some mouthwash. Do all the things he needs to do to have. Not be a sneaky, stinky ashtray. And you would just have to like, you know, let it the go and not be the person who's hovering over and be like, did you smoke again? Smelling you.

[Michelle]

That was me. I didn't like myself at the end there because I, I knew I was policing him and drive him in, you know, not letting him just do him and like, do something he enjoyed. But.

[Nick]

Well, again, it's a balance, you know, if he, if he enjoyed getting hammered every night and where he was an asshole, that wouldn't be an excuse. But it doesn't seem to change all his behavior. And you could argue it seems like it improves his behavior. It doesn't cause him to treat you poorly. If anything, you're worried that it's. It's the reason why he's so great.

[Michelle]

I know. Yeah, that bugs me a little too.

[Nick]

Like, you may not, like, it, but this is him trying to adjust, address his mental health challenges. And certainly he needs to do more. He definitely should be in therapy if he's having these types of, like, thoughts, for sure. And he definitely needs to try to limit how much he's on it. And if he is going to do it, he needs to, you know, find a way to not eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's every time he does. Because, like, sugar is also very, very, very terrible for us. Right. It's one of the worst things for.

[Michelle]

Us, I guess now that I've actually done the breakup, like, should I just let him find somebody who, it doesn't bother them and they won't fight about it every weekend, and that's for you to decide.

[Nick]

You know, I don't. If I were you, I think you know where I stand. I, I think you're potentially letting a good thing going for, for all the wrong reasons. And I, I think you're potentially losing something over what, what is ultimately a pet peeve of yours. I don't want to convince you to date the guy. And if you refuse to do anything about your inability to get over this and your mental hurdle over this problem, then, yeah, maybe you shouldn't. You want him to work on things. You want to address things. Like, why don't you address things? You would rather have him find another girl because you don't want to work on you.

[Michelle]

I don't know. We just, we fought about it so much and, I mean, neither of us.

[Nick]

Were happy because is, well, you wouldn't let it go. I know. And it's, I, I, I, Yeah, listen, like, it's just, it's much harder for him to let it go because it, it does sound like it has some benefits for him. And you didn't want to let it go because you just didn't want to let it go.

[Michelle]

Now he's saying, like, like, I want to work things out. Like, I'll quit completely if you want, but that's silly. Yeah. Because ultimately I think he would resent me for it. And then, you know, he may.

[Nick]

Correct. Yes.

[Michelle]

Have more.

[Nick]

That's not the solution. Yeah, you're right. If you're not willing to let it go, then you shouldn't be with him. But I think you would be hurting yourself. And again, if you want him to be willing to be willing to work on himself and find areas in which he can make improvements in his life, you need to be willing to do the same. And what I'm hearing from you is you want him to change but you're not willing to.

[Michelle]

I changed a little bit. Like I was okay with him doing it like all weekend most of the time.

[Nick]

Like, which I just know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the, this clear stubbornness that you have. Yeah. Being able to get, you know, over this whatever it is that bugs you so much about it. That's the thing. Because you can't even like name it. You can acknowledge the hypocrisy, but it just bugs you. It just does. For whatever reason. It just does. And you can't get out of your own way. And that's a you problem that you probably, if I were you, would want to address. Why am I so set in my ways? Why am I willing to make something that's ultimately a pet peeve, a non negotiable when it shouldn't be, like, why am I unwilling to like find a common ground with my boyfriend on this topic?

[Michelle]

I live in Colorado, so I'm pretty sure that most guys that live here that I'm going to date probably also enjoy it. Yeah, Maybe not to that level, but it's always going to be a thing. It's as long as I live in Colorado, you know, I mean, I don't.

[Nick]

Know, it's America and it's only become, it's only going to become more and more legal. It's soon going to be federally legal. It'll soon be as socially acceptable as alcohol.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I should get some therapy. And I mean, I haven't talked to him in a little while, but because I told him like to give me space to like think about it. But he definitely, if I called him right after this and told him I wanted to work it out, he would. But I haven't done the work on myself, so I don't know if we could work it out.

[Nick]

But I don't either. But what if you just call them up and say, hey, listen, I'm going to be honest, I miss you, but I'm really. I don't know why I have a hard time letting it go, but I am. And I. But I also recognize it's probably. I haven't been fair to you, but what I've been asking you to do, it does bother me. You do that. I do think I have a right to ask you to limit how much you do. But like, I need to work on that. But like I. And I don't know the solution, but, but you know. Yeah, I guess I'd love to try to figure this out, but like you are going to have to ease up. You're going to have to get over it. You're going to have to accept him for who he is. I want to be clear. I'm not expecting you to just, you know, just like if, you know, if someone was drinking with excess and changing his behavior, to me it's just more about like, how do they treat you. And you have the right to be worried about his health as someone who cares about him for sure. And we doesn't. It has its side effect, side effects. It's not without its risks.

[Michelle]

He did say like, his lungs felt better the two week, like months that he quit smoking and like running was easier.

[Nick]

This is not about you being right or wrong. It's about you having a, you being better at empathizing with his point of view and vice versa, and you being a little bit more open minded than you are and, and, and be willing to, you know, work with your partner on, on finding common ground and not be so set in your ways and not be, be so principled over things that ultimately aren't, you know, like, harming you. It's like you're just fighting battles that aren't getting you anywhere.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I think I was just being like, stubborn and.

[Nick]

Yes, like, you're definitely stubborn. Yeah.

[Michelle]

Here we are.

[Nick]

That's okay. Well, something you could definitely work on with a therapist for sure.

[Michelle]

He said I can like drug test him if I want, which is crazy and I would not do that.

[Nick]

That's crazy. Of course. He's like, what? That's how matters is how much this guy cares about you and what he's willing to do for you. I just got off the phone with a woman who started dating a guy and three months in he said he's going back on the dating apps to sell women insurance and he's not willing to get off the dating apps for her.

[Michelle]

Oh yeah.

[Nick]

He's willing to accept the consequences if she continues to not be okay with her essential boyfriend being on dating apps to sell insurance. Which sounds fucking crazy. I just want to point out the type of men out there.

[Michelle]

I know.

[Nick]

And again, you have the right to be annoyed by his weed smoking. You have the right to want to have him reduce it and be reliant on it. But I think it's safe to say this helps him be a better person in a lot of ways and he's willing to give that up for you. He's willing to give up something that makes him happier and more calm just to be with you. Yeah.

[Michelle]

And I I don't think you should.

[Nick]

Make them do it, but like, I think it just goes to how much this guy, like that, that matters. Like, you want a lot, you know, man, I talked to a lot of women. When push comes to shove, they have a baby or whatever, and like, then their men don't step up. This guy will step up.

[Michelle]

I don't know how long, like, he would actually be willing to quit or like, change.

[Nick]

Well, I don't want, I don't, I don't want you to make him quit. I want you to get over your mental hurdle and then I want you two to work together on a compromise that you both can live with. You know, Natalie's compromise was I just. The smoking, it's gross. You smell, it's disgusting. It's a bad habit. She was fine with me taking edibles. I am currently trying to drastically reduce how much I take it and rely on it and find, you know, exercise at night more, eat healthier. I'm trying to do all those things right, like, but, you know, know, and maybe one day I'll totally quit. But, like, she is willing to, you know, she's not saying quit totally for me. She understands that, like, in a lot of ways it helps me, you know, And I don't want to medicate with a pill. That's just a personal choice I'm making.

[Michelle]

Yeah, he's. Now since we had the breakup, he is like, working out more and like eating healthier and trying to find other.

[Nick]

Ways to that breakup pod, you know?

[Michelle]

Yeah. I don't know. I just wish he had tried a little harder while dating.

[Nick]

He quit for two months, but then he, like, I just don't think. It's not registering. It's just not registering with you. I know, I know you're, you're incredibly stubborn and a bit set in your ways and close minded. You're just not seeing it logically. I mean, like, imagine, imagine if someone was like, yeah, I just, I, I got this guy. He suffers from depression and anxiety. He was taking medicine that really helped him out. His doctor prescribed it for him and I just, I wanted to see how much he liked me. So I asked him to quit and he did for two months. That would be like an insane thing for someone to do for someone. And he did it for you. And you want him to what, Try harder? I'm gonna, you know, again, I, I, I'm being a little hard on you because you, it's not, I'm not getting through to like, you know, the, I know you're still like, stuck on what you want him to do. And, and you're very much not willing to do your part. And for that reason, maybe you two aren't a match. But I think your biggest problem is you, not him.

[Michelle]

Well, yeah, and like I said earlier, like, maybe I'm not the right girl for him because I.

[Nick]

That's your conclusion? Wouldn't she rather figure your shit out?

[Michelle]

Yeah, but I mean, there's. There's probably a girl out there that. It doesn't bother them at all and.

[Holly]

Okay.

[Michelle]

I don't know. So, I mean, I. I mean, I do want to work on why did I let this thing end of otherwise good relationship. That's why I'm calling you guys.

[Nick]

Yeah, and I appreciate the call. I just wish you were actually willing to do it because right now it's like you're trying to connect. I don't know, like you're. You're still trying to figure out how you can get him to stop smoking. You're just not seeing the big picture.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And also, like, you're. You're not a love martyr, you know? Oh, maybe he'd be better off with some other girl. It's like, all right, honestly, maybe he would, but I don't think that's going to make you feel any better, and it's not going to help your love life out, and I'm here to help you. You called in. I don't even know this guy. You know, I want to see you happy, and I think you're making decisions in your life that it's stopping you from being happy, and I think that's a great reason to get into therapy. And maybe this guy isn't your guy. That's fine. But right now you are. You are making choices that are negatively affecting you.

[Michelle]

A lot of my friends have told me that too. They don't agree with the decision I made because they did like him.

[Nick]

If you decide to get into therapy, I think you should say you go in there with a very specific, like, I very set in my ways. I have a hard time letting things go, and I'm incredibly stubborn. You clearly have a lot of great qualities that he likes in you and cares about you and he wants to be with you. So you obviously have a lot of good things going for you too. But I want to see you not self sabotage, I suppose.

[Michelle]

Yeah, no, that's a good way to put it. Yep. I feel like that's what I'm doing.

[Nick]

All right, well, I hope you. I hope you look into that.

[Michelle]

Yep. I need some therapy. Maybe I need to smoke a little more. I don't know.

[Nick]

Give them a call.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay. Well, thank you. Well, please keep us posted. I would love to know what you two love birds are up to in a couple months.

[Michelle]

Well, thank you. Thanks for the tough love.

[Nick]

I'm here for it, you know, but just remember, I don't think you're fully appreciating what this guy was willing to do for you.

[Michelle]

Well, thank you.

[Nick]

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