E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Viall Files – Episode E881: Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?

Episode Overview In episode E881 of The Viall Files, titled "Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?", host Nick Viall engages in in-depth conversations with listeners seeking advice on personal and relationship challenges. This episode features two primary callers, John and Beth, each grappling with distinct issues related to dating, intimacy, and self-confidence. Throughout the episode, Nick provides practical guidance, drawing from his own experiences and expertise in relationships and pop culture.

---

Caller 1: John – Breaking the Cycle of Being a Virgin

Introduction to John’s Situation At [01:20], John introduces himself as a 31-year-old virgin who has never had a girlfriend. He expresses a strong desire to change this pattern and seeks Nick's advice on how to navigate the dating scene.

Challenges Faced by John

• Limited Social Interaction: John mentions his introverted nature and reliance on dating apps, leading to infrequent dating opportunities—typically dating once every one to three months ([01:40]).
• Awkwardness and Shyness: He struggles with initiating conversations and flirting, often feeling awkward during dates, which rarely extend beyond the first meeting ([02:04]).
• Sparse Friendships: Although John has a few close friends, some live far away, limiting his social interactions and opportunities to meet potential partners ([03:33]).

Nick’s Advice to John

• Focus on Building Friendships: Nick emphasizes the importance of expanding social circles to gain more experience in interacting with potential partners. He suggests engaging in group activities where men and women can meet naturally ([05:14]).

  "I would love for you to try to focus on friendships right now. It's really easier to meet people with the opposite sex when you're around people and groups of people." ([05:14])

• Participate in Social Activities: Joining co-ed sports leagues or attending events like concerts can provide low-pressure environments to practice social skills ([05:47]).

• Enhance Confidence: Nick advises John to present himself confidently, regardless of attire, and to take the initiative in planning dates, fostering a sense of assertiveness without being overbearing ([22:33]).

  "Whatever you're wearing, you just have to feel good, you know? It's like owning that, right." ([22:34])

• Shift Mindset: Instead of focusing solely on the end goal of securing a relationship or intimacy, John is encouraged to enjoy the process of meeting new people and making genuine connections ([26:53]).

  "Your job is to make sure me and this date have the best possible time. That's it. It's fun." ([26:53])

John’s Subsequent Situation John shares a complex scenario involving a close friend with whom he shared a first kiss and a night together ([27:10]). Despite the intimacy, the relationship remains ambiguous, leaving John uncertain about how to proceed without jeopardizing the friendship.

Nick’s Guidance on Navigating the Friendship-Sexuality Boundary

• Establish Clear Boundaries: Nick recommends determining whether to pursue a romantic relationship or maintain the platonic friendship, emphasizing the importance of clarity to avoid emotional confusion ([49:22]).

  "If you really think there is something there with this guy, you have to commit to that mindset." ([49:22])

• Communicate Openly: Honest communication about feelings and intentions is crucial to navigate the transition from friends to potential partners ([75:21]).

• Diversify Social Interactions: Engaging with other potential partners can reduce the pressure on the existing relationship and create a healthier dynamic ([75:27]).

  "Go create some demand." ([74:25])

Conclusion of John’s Segment Nick encourages John to view his journey as a long-term process, emphasizing patience, continuous practice, and self-compassion. By gradually expanding his social interactions and building confidence, John can improve his dating experiences and work towards meaningful relationships.

---

Caller 2: Beth – Navigating Changes in Physical Intimacy with Her Boyfriend

Introduction to Beth’s Situation At [80:05], Beth, a 29-year-old listener, shares her struggle with decreased physical intimacy in her four-year on-and-off relationship. She originally valued physical touch as her primary love language but now feels resistant to it.

Challenges Faced by Beth

• Reduced Physical Intimacy: Beth experiences a significant drop in her desire for physical touch, which began around the time she moved in with her boyfriend ([80:25]).
• Confusion Over Cause: She is unsure whether this change is due to hormonal shifts, personal discomfort, or other factors, leading to confusion about her feelings and desires ([81:08]).
• Fear of Hurting Her Partner: Beth is hesitant to communicate her feelings to avoid damaging the relationship or hurting her boyfriend's feelings ([83:28]).

Nick’s Advice to Beth

• Consult a Medical Professional: Nick suggests that Beth consult a doctor to rule out any physiological causes for her reduced sex drive, such as hormonal imbalances or side effects from birth control ([86:25]).

  "Have you seen a doctor? [...] Maybe it's something you're eating or something else." ([86:21])

• Open Communication: Establishing honest dialogue with her boyfriend about her feelings is essential. Beth needs to express her discomfort with physical intimacy to foster understanding and seek solutions together ([91:56]).

  "You have to be able to be real with yourself and real with the people you're with." ([75:59])

• Reignite Connection: Nick advises Beth to find new ways to connect with her boyfriend outside of physical intimacy, such as planning romantic evenings or engaging in activities that strengthen their emotional bond ([85:24]).

  "People can let themselves go and be like, hey, listen, I want to spend more time with you." ([85:11])

• Address Underlying Issues: Understanding whether the lack of intimacy stems from personal issues or the dynamics within the relationship can help Beth navigate her feelings and decide on the future of the relationship ([89:33]).

  "You're letting him do what he wants and it's making you feel a certain way." ([89:07])

Beth’s Follow-Up Concerns Beth reveals that her boyfriend is facing potential back surgery and may move back across the country, adding complexity to their relationship dynamic ([68:05]).

Nick’s Guidance on Managing Relationship Dynamics Amidst Challenges

• Maintain Independence: To prevent the relationship from becoming too dependent, Beth is encouraged to pursue her own interests and maintain a sense of self outside the relationship ([74:05]).

• Seek Support Networks: Engaging with friends and possibly seeking professional counseling can provide Beth with the support needed to address her intimacy concerns ([73:01]).

• Plan for the Future: Considering the boyfriend's upcoming surgery and potential relocation, Beth should evaluate whether the relationship aligns with her long-term desires and well-being ([60:29]).

Conclusion of Beth’s Segment Nick underscores the importance of self-awareness and proactive communication. By addressing both physiological and relational aspects, Beth can work towards resolving her intimacy issues, ensuring both her and her boyfriend's needs are met. Establishing a balanced and honest relationship dynamic is key to overcoming the current challenges.

---

Key Takeaways from Episode E881:

1. Self-Confidence and Social Engagement: Building confidence through social interactions and expanding one's social circles are crucial steps for individuals like John seeking to improve their dating lives.

2. Clear Communication in Relationships: Open and honest dialogue about personal feelings and intimacy issues, as highlighted in Beth's situation, is essential for maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships.

3. Patience in Personal Growth: Both callers exemplify the need for patience and persistence. Personal growth and relationship development are ongoing processes that require time and effort.

4. Balancing Personal Needs with Relationship Dynamics: Navigating the balance between personal desires and relationship expectations is a common challenge, stressing the importance of self-awareness and mutual understanding.

---

Notable Quotes:

• John: "I think I'm too concerned with what people think about me. So like I'm, I'm a people pleaser. I hate that I am, but I am that way." ([08:31])

• Nick: "Your job is to make sure me and this date have the best possible time. That's it. It's fun." ([26:53])

• Beth: "Whenever he starts kissing me, I'm thinking, oh, I don't want to do it." ([87:16])

• Nick: "Have you seen a doctor? Maybe it's something in your body that's causing it." ([86:25])

---

Conclusion Episode E881 of The Viall Files offers listeners relatable scenarios and actionable advice on overcoming personal and relational hurdles in the dating world. Through empathetic conversations and practical guidance, Nick Viall successfully addresses the concerns of his callers, empowering them to take positive steps toward healthier relationships and greater self-confidence.

Transcript

[Nick]

The Val House is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing a budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try that progressive.com progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Prices and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. Struggling with your mental health is hard. Figuring out how to pay for treatment shouldn't make it harder. At Charlie Health, we believe finances should never be a barrier to getting the support you need. That's why we work with most major insurance plans to make intensive mental health.

[John]

Care as accessible as possible.

[Beth]

Our virtual programs include a personalized mix.

[Nick]

Of group, individual, and family sessions each.

[John]

Week so you get the support you.

[Nick]

Need without the stress of figuring out.

[John]

How to afford it.

[Nick]

No one should have to put their mental health on hold because of cost. Visit charliehealth.com podcasts or call 866-692-4634 to learn more. Because care should be based on what works for you, not just what fits your budget.

[Beth]

You're crazy.

[Nick]

How's it going?

[Erica]

Good. How are you doing today?

[Nick]

Good. What's your name?

[Erica]

My name is John. I'm 31 years old. I'm a virgin who's never had a girlfriend, and I'm desperate to break the cycle.

[Nick]

Okay. All right. So you want to have a girlfriend, and eventually you hope that leads to maybe losing your V card, so to speak.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay. And how much dating. Like, what does your dating life look like these days?

[Erica]

So I'm on all the dating apps because I'm kind of introverted, so I don't really get out much to date. I probably go on a day, like, every one to maybe three months.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

But the problem is it never makes it past the first day. And I never do anything on the first day, like, not even a kiss or anything.

[Nick]

Okay, you mentioned a little introverted. Like. Yeah. What do you think your biggest challenges are when it comes to the dates that you go on or just getting dates?

[Erica]

So I'm kind of shy. I feel like I'm kind of awkward. I don't really take the initiative and let them know I'm interested. And I don't really flirt because I just. I feel awkward when I do it. Like, I don't really know what I'm doing.

[Nick]

Sure. Okay. Fair enough. Well, I mean, I can be awkward and shy, too. Yeah, I wish I could. I don't know how to, like, teach stuff like that. You know, it's like. And I hear you, you know, hearing Your voice. I can be introverted. I know I can be awkward. I can be fucking weird all the time. But every once in a while when I was younger, like I felt like I knew how to like not give a shit and flirt a little bit. Like, I guess going back. Let's rewind a little bit. Like back in high school, who are you hanging out with? Like, did you go to college? Like, what was your just like your social interactions with friends and women, what was that all like?

[Erica]

High school, I wasn't really part of like a close friend group. I was kind of that guy that wasn't really close with anybody, but I knew.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

And in high school, I wasn't really interested in any, any girls because the good ones were either taken or the ones that were single were not my type at all.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

In college, I mean, college was kind of complicated because I started out at four year school, then I went to community college, then I went back to a four year school. But I. I never really had much of a social or dating life in college besides for when I started using dating apps.

[Nick]

Okay, so just what for figuring out dating, for example, like, you know, friends wise, like, are you going out much with friends or your. Or is your even your friend group pretty small?

[Erica]

My friend group is pretty small, but the ones I do have are pretty close.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

The problem is like some of them kind of live far away, so I don't get to see them more than once every few months.

[Nick]

Yeah. Yeah. So where? I don't need to know like your exact location or your address or anything. But are you living in a big city, small town? Like where are you residing these days?

[Erica]

Kind of in between that. I'm in like a medium sized city.

[Nick]

Okay. All right. And what do you do for work right now?

[Erica]

I'm kind of in between jobs because I might want to change careers. I just do doordash and uber right now and I ref sports. Before I was working in a group home for people with disabilities, but I quit that because the pay was horrible and the hours were super long. And now I don't know what I want to do next.

[Nick]

Okay, what did you go to school for?

[Erica]

First off? Meteorology. I dropped out of that because of all the math and science and I eventually graduated with a degree in rehab. Human services?

[Nick]

No. Very cool. So you can kind of do anything. What do you think you want to do next?

[Erica]

I'm not sure. Something I don't hate and something that won't make me work like crazy hours and that pays like halfway decent.

[Nick]

Okay, well, so you're open ended at this point?

[Erica]

Pretty much, yeah.

[Nick]

Yeah. For you. I would love for you to try to focus on friendships right now. It's really easier to meet people with the opposite sex when you're like around people and groups of people. I think you've kind of described this general like anxiousness, general like kind of awkwardness in social settings. And like, honestly, just like going out and practicing with friends is a low stakes way of just getting comfortable with that because like, you know, kind of what you're describing is just like a lack of experience, not only just with dating, but just kind of going out there and socializing a little bit. Would you say that's accurate?

[Erica]

I say that's accurate. Like I'm not a total shut in. I do go out sometimes, but I don't go out a lot compared to most people.

[Nick]

So like during the week you do you, you like any local friends or like girl grab a coffee with or just kind of get out or grab dinner with?

[Erica]

Do you have that once in a while? I do have family that lives close by, so I see them a lot, but normally I'm just on my own.

[Nick]

All right, I'd like for you to try to work on changing that. Are there any like, extracurricular, you know, like out, you know, after hour stuff, whether it's, you know, groups, I don't know. What are your hobbies? What are you into? Like, what do you like to do for fun?

[Erica]

So I'm really into sports. I play tennis and I play golf. I'm in a men's tennis league. And with golf, I usually just go with one of my family members that lives close by.

[Nick]

All right.

[Erica]

I like seeing concerts. I've been to quite a few.

[Nick]

Okay, who are you meeting in your men's tennis league? I love that. That's great.

[Erica]

I mean, I socialize, I talk to people, but I, I wouldn't say I really make any friends there. I mean, a lot of them are like in their 50s and 60s, so that kind of sucks.

[Nick]

Well, you know, you never know. I mean, depending on, I don't know what they're, you know, 50 or 60 year olds might not be interested in new friends, but you, you never. I will say in my adult life, like when you're younger, you're a little bit more choosy on friends. You're just like looking for people who very much like do the same things you do or very similar age as in my adult life. I've made friends that, you know, I never would have Imagined I made friends with. Whether it's a drastic age difference, just very different, you know, general interest, but like, you know, you might be, you might be surprised. I think in general, like, I think opening up friendships is just a great way to practice social skills, right? Because you're kind of describing fuck I go on these dates. I mean, shit, man, if I were any, I mean anyone, anyone who doesn't like, have a lot of practice, right? Like, if you put yourself into a high stakes environment with very little practice, what, what are the chances you're going to be your best self? You know, like most people like, are super afraid of like public speaking, right? Then someone was like, oh shit, man, I want you to go give this speech in front of this room of 400 people. And you're like, great. You know, I imagine you'd want to pra. You know, you'd have to practice to do well if you just were like, all right, well tell me when. And you went and showed up, you had no practice public speaking. I mean, I guess you just cross your fingers and hope you don't get nervous. Chances are you're going to get nervous and it's going to, you're going to, you know, I know I would. You know what I'm saying? So you really just have kind of have to practice this stuff, you know, And I think challenging yourself to, to do that, you know, the, the hard part is, is like kind of getting over that hump of not giving a shit about the awkwardness or, you know, might think about you and things like that, you know, and, and getting into your head and ruminating all your worst fears of what could happen and, and those are all normal, but it's kind of just kind of not giving a. You know, it's. And kind of having that mentality and trying to find a companion to go out with, you know, a sporting event or whatever, a concert, you know, just get out, meet people, socialize, goof around, you know, that's what I would love to see for you.

[Erica]

Yeah, I do think you're right about that because like, that's one of my main flaws. I think I'm too concerned with what people think about me. So like I'm, I'm a people pleaser. I hate that I am, but I am that way.

[Nick]

Yeah, I wish I'm not. I wish I could. I. I'm trying to figure out. I should probably read a book on people. Have you read any books on people pleasing? Do you know anything about it other than.

[Erica]

No, not really.

[Nick]

Okay. Yeah, I Don't know. I mean, like, I know, like, for example, like, you know, we talk about setting boundaries all the, all the time on the show. And like, I always talk about how. I mean, I'm kind of going off a tangent here, but a lot of people are people pleasers, and the reason why a lot of people have a hard time setting boundaries is because boundaries is you just, like, kind of limiting access from someone, and then that usually pisses people off and they get mad. And if you're a people pleaser, you don't want people mad at you. Was kind of my point. But I'm. I just, you know, I've always wondered why I'm not. I don't know. I don't know what the root is. I wish, you know, it's like one of those things you say I'm a people pleaser, and I hear from a lot of people, I wish I could be like, oh, well, do you do X, Y or Z? And that's why. And work on this. But I'm not sure why I'm not a. A people pleaser. What. Why do you think?

[Erica]

Yeah, and I do think that. Really?

[Nick]

Have you thought about it?

[Erica]

I think that's, like, huge problem on my, like, on the dates I go on, too, because, like, part of the reason I don't really make any moves is because if I'm not sure that they're into me, I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

[Nick]

Well, we love that. Yeah. We don't want to change that. Yeah.

[Erica]

Yeah. And like, if. If they don't reciprocate, like, my moves, my feelings, then it. It's pretty awkward, I feel like.

[Nick]

Yeah. But I think part. I think one, you know, I've had this conversation with more women who are virgins. I can imagine now that when you go on dates, you're adding unnecessary pressure to those dates, whether it's, you know, one, getting the second date to, oh, am I going to get a kiss tonight? Three, like, God forbid, if I get a second date. A kiss. Well, like hell. Would this be the first time I have sex or something? I mean, the stakes are so unnecessarily high for you potentially, if you, if you make them that way. I, I do know in general, yeah. We're always attracted to people who present as confident, present as not really caring what people think. More than anything, I think I'd love for you to try to challenge that. I'm not trying to, like, you know, it's like if, if, if you were here and I'd be like, all right, how do I teach this guy how to be confident? Or how do I teach this guy this? You know, I don't want to turn you into some douchebag kind of guy who, like, you know what I'm saying? That's not the, that's not the goal. Like, it's, it's not, it's not about being disingenuous or a jerk or rude to people. It's not about being dismissive. It's about being confident in what you're doing and whatever it is. Right. I don't know. I see you're wearing a hoodie right now. You know, I don't know what, you know. You're wearing jeans. I don't know if it's very fashionable, if it's not fashionable, whatever, but who gives a shit? You're wearing it and you like it. So, like, it's just one of those things, like, when it comes to your attire, whatever you're wearing, you just have to feel good, you know? It's like owning that, right? Whatever you say or do, just kind of owning your decisions. Like, I mean, little things. Like, when you go on dates, I'm curious, are you asking them where do they want to go or are you offering ideas?

[Erica]

It depends on the person. Sometimes they'll suggest something. Sometimes else suggests something.

[Nick]

Okay, well, if someone suggests something, that's. We love that, you know, we love an idea, especially if they're a place that they're comfortable with. And I think early on in dating, if a woman's suggesting a place she wants to go, I think that's a great way. I think there's. You should generally always. Unless you have a, you know, depending on your ideas. But if you don't have any good ideas and she has one, take her up on that idea. Also, she just might, like, it might be a place that she's familiar with, feels safe around, you know, and, and women generally love to feel safe. Is any of this, Is any of this resonating with you?

[Erica]

Oh, it is. Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

I mean, I, I, I've talked to people about this, and I've heard similar things.

[Nick]

Yeah. What are they? Yeah, what are they?

[Erica]

I've just, I've just never really, like, taken the initiative to, you know, do it and better myself like that.

[Nick]

It is one of it, you know, I hear you. It's just hard. It's hard to. It's one thing I'm here. I'm just like, yeah, go be confident in the sweatshirt you're. You're wearing. And then I get off the phone and expect you to walk into a coffee shop and be, you know, Rico Suave. But I think part of awkwardness, if I'm trying to break it down, comes from, like, just indecisiveness and second guessing yourself, you know, especially. It's just like, you can get really awkward when you're like, what should I say? How should I say it? I hope I. I hope I say it right, you know, like.

[Erica]

Yeah, honestly, when I'm on dates, that is. That's like so much of what I think. It's. It's definitely a problem.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Erica]

When I go out with my men's tennis league to dinner, like, it's. It's like, no pressure at all because, like, there's no one I'm trying to, like, get into a relationship with, if that makes sense.

[Nick]

That totally makes sense. How do you. How do you try to replicate that? You know what? You need a girlfriend. And you're like, yeah, no shit. That's why I called. I mean, a friend that's a girl. Like, how many platonic friends. How many platonic women friends do you have in your life?

[Erica]

I have one and I'm super close with her.

[Nick]

Okay, you do? And what's that conversation? Do you talk to her about this stuff?

[Erica]

Yeah, sometimes. She's engaged and she has a ton of experience with dating, so she tries to give me advice as much as she can.

[Nick]

Are you friends with her fiance?

[Erica]

I wouldn't say I'm close with her fiance, but we got along.

[Nick]

Okay. How have you known this friend?

[Erica]

About two and a half years. It's funny because we met on Bumble and we decided like, we weren't each other's type, but we decided to keep talking and now we're like super close friends.

[Nick]

I love that you haven't asked her at all about dating advice.

[Erica]

I ask her all the time.

[Nick]

You do? Did she give you any feedback on your date? I mean. Cause here's a person you met on Bembo. I kind of. I love where this is going. It's something. But you met her on Bumble. It didn't work out as often. That happens. I've met a lot of great friends when I was a single guy and I was just like, dating. There are some women that we dated and we ended up just being better friends. That's great. But there is maybe, if you're willing, feedback to get from that, from her. Has she offered you any feedback on why for her, like, it just, you know, wasn't a thing or it Wasn't.

[Erica]

Really the lack of chemistry when we met. It was more like our life goals didn't align so it would never work out long time term.

[Nick]

Okay, like what?

[Erica]

Like she wants kids. I don't.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

Oh, that's the big thing.

[Nick]

Just out of curiosity, why did you already decide you don't have kids?

[Erica]

It's just too much of a responsibility for me. I, I want to live my own life, not have to worry about taking care of a child.

[Nick]

Cool. All right. It may change when you meet someone. I don't know. You never know. How often you talk to this girlfriend?

[Erica]

Most days. Sometimes we'll go like a day or two without talking. But like some, we'll. We'll just talk sometimes. We'll play imessage games sometimes, but we usually talk most days.

[Nick]

And her fiance, how many times have you met him?

[Erica]

Like four or five, maybe six times, something like that.

[Nick]

And he's generally cool with you because, I mean, normally.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay. I'd love for you to almost become friends with this guy too.

[Erica]

Yeah, well, the problem is like, she lives pretty far away.

[Nick]

Oh, she also lives far away. Okay.

[Erica]

Yeah. So, I mean, I try to see them like once or twice a year.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

And when, when I do like, we, we all hang out, we all get along. There's. There's no issues. Like, he knows that I won't try to make a move on her.

[Nick]

Yeah, no, I, that, that seems obvious. What I would love. Yeah. I mean, whatever. It's. They don't live close, so it's. I kind of want you to get like a buddy who's like, can kind of almost teach you the ropes a little bit. You know, like someone who's a little bit more extroverted than you. You know, someone who goes out a little bit more, you know, than you. But every once in a while when you have the itch to be social and you go out, you kind of have someone to go out with. And that's the thing. It's just I want you, if possible, to. And I say this is who. Someone can be very introverted and loves to be at home and alone in my thoughts. So I hear you on that. But like, if you want to meet people, you are going to have to challenge yourself to get out there and put yourself in social settings that normally you wouldn't choose to. And now your hope, right, is that you find a lovely, rather introverted girl who also, for the most part, likes to stay at home, but just also happens to be out, you know, and that's not the only way to meet someone. But I do think you just need the practice to like, around and find out. Just goof around, you know what I'm saying? Like, have a low stakes conversation with a girl that you know, you think is kind of cute. But like, you're just, you know, you're just trying to have a conversation, you know, with you it's just like, man, you're on these dating apps and then once a month and maybe once every two or three months you finally get a date. And then, you know, man, it would be so easy to psych yourself out. I don't know how you wouldn't psych yourself out. You know, you have to try to not psych yourself out. What are conversations you're trying to have on dates?

[Erica]

I mean, we just got to know each other. Like, what do we like to do? What do we do for work? Tell stories about our life. It never really goes deeper than that.

[Nick]

What's your type?

[Erica]

Like physically or like, personality wise?

[Nick]

Not both.

[Erica]

Physically. I mean, I don't really know how to describe it. Like, I just don't want to go for someone I'm not attracted to, you know, if that makes sense.

[Nick]

I mean. Yeah, no one does. I'm just curious who you're, who you're going for.

[Erica]

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, physically, I've gone on dates with a lot of different types. Yeah, personality wise. It's funny because I'm an introvert, but I feel like extroverts open me up a lot more.

[Nick]

I would imagine they do, yeah. My wife is definitely a lot more extroverted than I am. You know, she definitely has an introverted side in the sense that, like, we both are homebodies. But like, in social settings, she's far more normal than I am and way more social and she definitely loosens me up. And it's nice to have her by my side and in social settings. And so, yeah, I mean, that, that'd be my dream for you. Again, like someone who is a little bit more extroverted than you certainly, like, isn't so extroverted that like, you can't, you can't be with someone who's super extroverted. That would never work. But there's a lot of people out there who are a little bit of both. Even though if they lean introverted, they have an extroverted side. You might be more on the intro introverted side. What was the last date you had?

[Erica]

About three months ago, I met up with this girl that lives like an hour Away. We went out for dinner. I liked her. I wanted a second date, but she told me, like, two days later, she didn't feel a connection, which is how, like, it goes 90% of the time.

[Nick]

Yeah. Are you always going out to dinner?

[Erica]

Not always. I'd say, like, half the time. I do. Sometimes I go bowling, mini golfing. I've taken women to soccer games before and a couple other sporting events.

[Nick]

Okay, well, I would say sporting events and, like, I would say events where you're both sitting harder to do. It's a long commitment, and you're sitting next to each other. You're already someone who's not necessarily good with the gift of gab and just, like, long conversations. So if you take someone to a sporting event that you have very little rapport with, you're sitting next to someone, and unless they're just like, the biggest fucking soccer, biggest fucking fans of the thing that you bought them to, it's kind of your responsibility to entertain them. And so what ends up happening is there are all these awkward pauses and moments of silence. And then that person feels kind of like, oh, we didn't really have any chemistry. I mean, it's a harder environment for you to be dynamic in, and it's a harder environment for two people to have, you know, because it's like, well, we're here for three hours. I mean, most sporting events are, what, two, three hours long. And again, unless you're both really into the game, you're kind of like casually watching the game while casually trying to have a conversation. It opens up the possibility for a lot of awkward moments. I. For you, even. That's why dinner, I asked for. You always go on dinner dates. Even for a first date with someone you haven't talked too much, a whole meal of food. You know, again, like, that's potentially a long conversation. Try to keep it simpler, you know, Coffee dates. I love the bowling. I love the mini golf. I love those things even more. Mini golf, because it's like, you know, it's always active. You can, like, joke around. You can have fun. You can be a little competitive. You can try to be goofy. You know, you can have a few chats here or there, but there's always something to do. You can always, you know, there's always that break where you bowl, then G balls, you know, or. Or mini golf. So I would. I would try to lean more activities on dates.

[Erica]

Yeah, I. I agree with you. Because normally when I go on a dinner date with somebody, like, there's rare times where, like, yeah, it goes really well, I think, but most of the time it's just awkward conversation that we never see each other again.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Erica]

Dinner dates are just so easy to plan though.

[Nick]

Yeah, I know.

[Erica]

That's why I do them so much.

[Nick]

Let me ask you this. When you called in, like, was there one or two things you're like, man, I really hope Nick can answer this or I really hope Nick could like, steer me in this direction. I only ask that because it's just like, I don't have any, like, oh, here, do these five things, type of things. You know, I really, I sincerely want to like, point you in the right direction, but I'm not sure where to start with you.

[Erica]

That's a good question. I mean, you've told me a lot of useful things already.

[Nick]

Okay, well, that's good.

[Erica]

Yeah, I'm not really sure. I feel like I can't dive super deep into dating if I have no experience. Like, I just have to get my feet wet first.

[Nick]

You definitely do. Let me ask you this. The women you're saying yes to, what are you more drawn to? Are you. Is it the strong physical attraction and you, you have some things in common that you like or is it more like, oh, like, she seems fun and we have some things in common and she seems kind of cute, you know, like what, what are you more drawn to?

[Erica]

Physical attraction is what draws me in.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

But then like, the, the chemistry, the connection just really makes me like her.

[Nick]

So hear me out. I don't think you should start going out on dates with a bunch of people you find unattractive. I'm not saying that. But I do think you should challenge yourself to maybe be a little bit more open minded when it comes to your dates. Physical appearances for one. You just need the practice. You know what I'm saying? And I think you need. And I. And again, you also have to go into this with the right mindset, right? Because I want you to still be interested. I want you to still be respectful, obviously. I still want you to be like, you know, you have to show that you care. Right? Like on any date, if you could just walk into a date kind of being confident in who you are, whatever you bring to the table. Like I, you know, I'm. How tall are you?

[Erica]

5 11.

[Nick]

5 11. What a great height, you know, so you got no height problems, you know, like you're 5 11, you seem like a handsome guy. You got a good head of hair. Like, you know, like you could be doing much worse for yourself. So I want you to show up to these dates being like, I'm this 511 guy with a good head of hair and like, you know, I'm, I'm whatever and I hope this person is interested in getting to know me. And then you just kind of just not think about what to say. You just ask questions and then you just kind of try to have some fun. I'm getting the sense that maybe, you know, also you're a guy, so, but you, you land on someone you find is hot and then you're like really excited that someone's hot. And then you talk to them on the apps and you finally get, you know them to go on a date with you, but you're, you're too focused on hoping that this pretty person likes you.

[Erica]

That's, that's, that's 100% right.

[Nick]

Yeah. And the stakes are too high, you know, and again, I mean, you're a handsome guy, but as you've also pointed out, you're an awkward kind of inexperienced guy. And so you need more experiences kind of talk. And I'll be honest, like, you might go on these dates and you know, again, I'm not saying you should go on dates with a bunch of people find unattractive, but I think you should be a little more open minded to meeting women, meeting people. Be genuinely interested in getting to know these women and be open to being surprised how you might feel about them. You know what I'm saying? And that might make you feel a little more confident, right? Because you're going on into these dates, less pressure, you know, because you're like, I don't know, I'm going out with this girl. You know, I don't know how I think it, it's, it's funny because like there's a, there's. I'm curious. Sarah's in the room. You can't see her most. Like a lot of women you see going out with men that they're just not as pretty as they are. What are women looking for when they do that? I mean, it depends.

[John]

A lot of the times it's not about physical attraction. It really is about the connection that you make with somebody and feeling safe with them. That I'm being able to have open conversations and be genuinely interested in what they have to share and making jokes and just being light hearted instead of having so much, putting so much pressure on it. I think that's why it's like women.

[Nick]

Are attracted to more than just physical. Yeah. Attributes. Because you meet a lot of attractive people with shitty personalities. Totally. I Want you to have the practice to hang out with women that you're not trying to have sex with or trying to lose your virginity with and you're not worried if they like you, you know, And I want you to practice being yourself around them, you know, and having. I want, I don't, I don't want your goal to be getting a second date or getting a kiss or getting, having sex. I want you to go on these dates and your goal is to make sure that the two of you have the best possible time. That's it. It's fun. I want, you know, it's like, it's. I want you go on the date and be like, my job is to make sure me and this date and this girl, I don't even know her. I hope to get to know her. I hope we have fun. And you want to get to know them, but like, you just want to have some fun and you want to be a little adventurous. And like, I think a lot of guys in your shoes struggle with that balance between being a gentleman and being polite and. And taking the lead.

[Erica]

Exactly. That's, that's, that sums it up perfectly.

[Nick]

So being a gentleman, being polite, opening the door, you know, paying for their meal, you know, just being present, being courteous, being a gentleman, you know, not making weird jokes about their bodies and things like that. You know, not being crude. That's being a gentleman. Taking the lead is, hey, I know a great place we can go and have fun. This is where we should go on a date. Not, will you go? Like, I think we should go here. What do you think we should do this later? You know, it's just being more assertive and being confident. So to do that, think of things that you think are fun and then say, hey, I know this really fun place we should go. Let's go. You have to be confident what you're doing in order to be assertive. Right. Because if you're not, if you don't believe in what you're saying, you're not going to want to assert that onto someone else, you know?

[Erica]

Yeah, I totally understand. It makes perfect sense.

[Nick]

So, yeah, try to open up your mind to this. Go out with more women that honestly, I think your goal should be, I want to meet more women. I want to be curious about the women I'm meeting. I want to have fun with these women. I want to be open minded. And yeah. And like to get like, this is, you're, you're a guy who's been very honest about, like, you're not you're not getting a lot of kisses. You're not having any. You have nothing to lose here.

[Erica]

That's true.

[Nick]

So in terms of like, be willing to kiss someone for. Who gives a, you know, kiss anyone. You get what I'm saying?

[Erica]

I've actually gotten the first one out of the way. It. It's kind of. It's kind of a weird story how it happened, but how did it happen?

[Nick]

How'd it happen?

[Erica]

So that friend that I told you about. Yeah, girl. She told one of her friends that I hadn't had my first kiss and she offered to kiss me when I came out there to hang out, and so she did. So I've had my first kiss. It didn't mean anything, but I've had it.

[Nick]

I actually love that. It's great. I mean, honestly, part of that is it's like you have to take the pressure off yourself, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm sure people have told you. Have you seen it? 40 year old virgin?

[Erica]

I have.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Erica]

It's more like a documentary.

[Nick]

Well, good. I mean, I'm glad you feel that way, but like, there's a lot, there's a lot of good things to learn from that, you know what I'm saying? Like, you kind of almost remind me of the character. Like you're a handsome guy, Steve Carell's handsome guy, you know, nice. You know, it's like, I don't know you. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're not like some weird serial killer, you know, because you seem like a normal, nice, well rounded guy, that you have a lot of the qualities so many women who call in are like, I wish I could find a guy who would just be normal and nice, you know, and you seem normal and nice. You have a hard time showing that on dates because you get introverted. You get a little awkward, you start second guessing yourself. Most women out there want an assertive, confident guy who can make them laugh and make them feel safe. What they don't want is. What I'm guessing you do sometimes is like they feel like they don't want to have to emotionally take care of a man, especially on their first couple dates, you know, maybe after they fall in love, have a kid or two, get married, fine, they'll. They'll be your therapist. But like, they want to, they want a guy who, who kind of takes care of himself and is confident in what they're doing.

[Erica]

Yeah, I hear like the most common complaint from women that I hear is like, oh, guys just want sex all the time. Like, they try to move too fast.

[Nick]

Sure.

[Erica]

And I feel like on the complete opposite end of that spectrum.

[Nick]

I believe.

[Erica]

I don't. I don't, like, do anything. I just talk to them like I would talk to anybody else. And they think I've been told that I give off friend vibe because of that, not boyfriend vibes.

[Nick]

Yeah, I'm sure you do. Yeah. And part of that is because you're. You haven't struck that balance again between being a gentleman and being. And taking the leave. You're not asserting yourself. Yeah. All women want to feel safe. They don't want a guy who's constantly obsessed with sex. But I do think they want to feel pursued. I want you to get more practice. I, you know, I want you to lean your friend. That's a girl that you can open up to about this, who already set you up the first. First kiss. I mean, if I were you. And even with her fiance, you know, lean on them. Guys, I'm struggling with this. I want. I want to get more confident. I want to, like, just be better on dates. I want to get more practice. Like, you can get better at this. I know you can. It's just like, you need some help. You know what I'm saying? And you need some, like, mentors and friends who are a little better at this than you are to show you the ropes and, like, take you out there and just kind of have some fun and loosen you up and like, just get some. Get some reps, you know? Right now you got no one kind of helping you out. You're going on infrequent dates, and then when you go on them, the stakes are so goddamn high, you don't even know what to do. Dates are already hard enough. Even if you're good at it, you're like, chances are if you go on a date once every three months, they're not going to go the way you want, you know, and so I just want you to get more reps. I also. You want you to focus on your career right now. Honestly, I know you're 31. I know you're still a virgin. I know you're tired of it, but you're only 31, and you do have the benefit of being a man that you. And you don't even want to have kids, so you have no biological clock to worry about, literally, you know, and you're really young. I want you to like, especially for a man, you're incredibly young. So more than anything, I want you to try to take the pressure off yourself. Stop telling yourself, I'm 31, I haven't had sex yet. Oh, I haven't had. Who gives a fuck? I don't care. It really doesn't matter. No one gives a shit about your roster anymore. Certainly not people you should be hanging out with, you know what I'm saying? Like 18 year old guys did back in the day. But no one cares if whether, you know, had you slept with 50 women at this point or not, no one really cares, right? You might be a little bit better at the sex, but other than that, like, you know what I'm saying? Like you don't. Where do you do you show up anywhere and be like, how many people have you had sex with? You know what I'm saying? Like, has it gotten you into any. No one cares, right? So stop judging yourself, stop putting pressure on yourself. You have a long life ahead of you. And if you work on this in the short run, you know, again, especially as a guy who has no interest in having kids, you have, fuck, you have so many years in front of you, you know what I'm saying? To like have as much sex or as little sex or as much girlfriends as you could possibly want, you know what I'm saying? Like, you're only, you're eight, you're 18, you're only 13 years into your adult life. So honestly your track record's not that bad. And let's assume you live to your 85, right? You know, and so you have 50 some left years of dating left, you're good to go, you know what I'm saying? You've only wasted 13. I'm just trying to offer some perspective because so much of is in your head and the pressure you put on yourself. And like I want you to go in and have a kiss and just you kiss, you know, it's gonna take.

[Erica]

Some like building up my confidence to do that, but eventually I do want to be able to do that.

[Nick]

Yeah, and you can, you just have to practice. And I think having, and leaning on your friends, your girlfriend, your friend, that's a girl who, you know and just be vulnerable with her. I need, I need your help, you know, and like, I think it's really important for people who are looking to make friends, for people who are looking to meet people, to express that with their circle of influence. So whenever it makes sense to let people know that you're looking to get more out there, you're looking to be more active, you have your tennis club that's great. I try to find other things that are like more co ed and that maybe have more people your age because I'm glad you like to play, you know, and if you love to play tennis because you like the sport and it helps you relax, great, keep doing that. We're having you do stuff because we want you to meet people. This is not about whether you play tennis or badminton or knit, you know, we're just trying to get you into a social setting where people are there to also meet other people. Co ed leagues, especially if you like. The fact that you're into sports is great. Like, there's a lot of co ed, soccer leagues, volleyball leagues, things like that, that would go a long way. And I think the more you immerse yourself into these social settings and, you know, challenge your introverted self, you know, once or twice a week to go out to these events or social groups and then with your friends also just say, hey, I want to get out more. I want to practice, you know, I want to, you know, meet more people. And then on the dating apps, be more open to, you know, for the ladies reaching out to you, be willing to talk to them. You know, you're, you don't know where it's going to go. Maybe you will just make more friends, you know what I'm saying? Like a lot of these ladies you could just end up being friends with. Be open to that, you know, be open to meeting as many people as possible. Because I think that will really help you, you know, in terms of social settings and just, you know, talking to people. Because a date doesn't have to be any different than a coffee with a friend or watching a game with a friend. It's just the only difference is the stakes and the pressure you put on it.

[John]

Go watch a game at a sports bar and like strike up a conversation.

[Nick]

Yeah. Do you do that much? Do you have like a. Do you.

[Erica]

Not really. I mean, yeah. I mean, I don't really drink, so I don't go to bars that much in the first place. You don't have to, but I do. I, I do enjoy watching sports. Maybe I should just get out and just try to go to a. Go somewhere and watch it instead of just sitting on my couch.

[Nick]

I really think you, that's, honestly, that's a big, you know, that's the thing. How many people can you meet on your couch?

[Erica]

None.

[Nick]

You know, and I say that as someone who has a strong introverted side. You got to get out. Getting out, being active, interacting with people is the only way to really practice this stuff, your approach has been, well, I'm not really. I'm not. I'm kind of introverted, you know, I feel a little awkward talking to women. I don't have a bunch of practice, but I don't really like going out, so I'm not really gonna go out. But every once in a while, I'll try to go on a date, and when I do, I'm gonna. I hope I'm gonna just be this person I've never been before, you know, like, how do you do that? It's impossible.

[Erica]

Yeah, like, I. I have that unrealistic expectation every single time. And then when the date ends, I like, I get upset that I wasn't like that. Even though there was never really a realistic chance I would have been.

[Nick]

I mean, yeah, I mean, I get what you're saying, but like, there is a chance, because I think you're more than eligible bachelor. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just. Yeah, you're probably. Yeah, you're not getting out enough and not getting enough of practice. But to use your analogy, like the one I used before earlier, it's just like, who would. Nikki Glaser, you know, friend of show, just. Just hosted the Golden Globes. She crushed it. This is a. Years of her doing roasts and stand up, and I've been on her shows. Like, I couldn't. If they would have hired me to do the Golden Globes like two weeks ago, I would not have been able to show up and did what Nikki Glaser just did. You know what I'm saying? She. Years of experience and practice and crushing it and doing all these amazing things. I couldn't have done what she did. Well, I couldn't have done what she did because she's been practicing and cutting her teeth and, like, getting the reps in. And now she walked out on that stage and acted like it was like she. It was just like, just another day because it's, you know, she's made her career practicing this, you know, and getting good at it, you know, like. And dating's no different, man. You know, Go to the gym. The first day you go to the gym, are you crushing it? No, you're you. You lift you for. You go. You don't work out for like six months and you squat without weights. You can't walk the next day. You know, your body's like, what the is going on? What are we doing here? You know what I'm saying? You gotta. You gotta show up Every day you gotta get better at, you gotta practice it. And they, and dating and communicating and, and interacting with people is no different. It's all, it's all, those are all skills that you have, you just, you have been avoiding working on, you know, and then you go on dates and then you beat yourself up emotionally and make yourself feel bad, like, no one likes me. Meanwhile, like in between your dates, you're just hanging out by yourself.

[Erica]

Yeah. My problem is like I'm so comfortable just hanging out alone in my apartment and I just never get out of my comfort zone. You gotta do that just because, just because, like hanging out on my own is good enough.

[Nick]

And we love, listen, we love, we love people who can hang out on their, on their own. There's a lot of people we talk to who can't do that and they end up just investing their energy and a bunch of meaningless people. That's a great skill that you have. You'll hang on to that for the rest of your life, you know, but like you now you have to learn how to interact with other people and get out there. And even though you're most comfortable being alone, you have to challenge yourself to get out there. And then eventually you'll start, I think you start enjoying, you know, going out more when you start having more success at it.

[Erica]

Yeah, yeah. Because like the, the times in the past year where I have gone out, I've been with a lot of people. Like I did well, like I, I, I really enjoyed it and I feel like the other people I was with enjoyed my company.

[Nick]

Yeah, I'm sure they did. Yeah. So honestly, I think you need to look at this as a more of a long term plan. Take sex off the table in your head and even like take getting a girlfriend off the table. I want you to focus in the next couple years or whatever. Who knows? I mean, I don't know, maybe tomorrow you might meet the level of your life. But a reason I want you to take a long term approach is because like it's so easy to get yourself discouraged and beat yourself up and this shit takes time. You, you know, you are very young, but you have also had 31 years of this behavior. You're very comfortable with how you do things right now. And it's going to take you some time to reprogram yourself, you know, and it's going to take, it's, it's going to take time. So you have to be willing to like, take it easy, get out there, try it out. It's going to feel uncomfortable. Get back out there, go on a date, have it not go way you want, whatever, practice some more. But like, you're like, whatever. This is about meeting people. This is about getting better at this skill. Here's what you're doing now. Using the Nikki Glazer analogy. You're just like, ah, fuck, I just got hired to go low. I guess I, I better fucking crush it. And then you go on and you don't crush it. Of course you wouldn't crush it. You have no practice, you know, you, you know, and so I want you to like, like, think of, think of like you are instead of. This is about dating. This is like, this is like you getting into stand up comedy. And at first you're just going to tell a couple friends a couple jokes, you know what I'm saying? And then maybe you will perform in front of a small room and then maybe this, you know what I'm saying? Like, the goal is hosting the Golden Globes, you know what I'm saying? That's going to take some time. And that goal is like having sex with your girlfriend. I know I'm being a little ridiculous right now, but I do think you need to, like, take it easy on yourself, work into this. You know, if you, if you plan a date and all of a sudden you're wondering if this is the, if this isn't going to be it. It's. You're, you're going to fail. It's just too much stakes. It's too much pressure. I want you to go in and be like, you know what? I want to have fun today. I want to make sure this girl has a really good time. And I don't. Honestly, I don't. Second date. I don't know, I don't care. It's not my job right now. My job is to make sure her and I have a really good time. And I'm just not gonna give a. Other than making sure she has a good time. And if you focus on that, I think you'll have more success.

[Erica]

Yeah, I think you're right. Because right now, like, my attitude is like, I want to go from zero to a hundred and date it. And that's not going to happen.

[Nick]

It's not going to happen.

[Erica]

Even though, like, I, I kind of wanted to.

[Nick]

Well, yeah, you do, but you're only 31. I didn't meet, I didn't meet my wife till I was 40. You have a long life ahead of you. Accept that. This has been 31 years and you have a lot to practice and you're not going to go from 0 to 100, but don't beat yourself up and acting like you have to get to the finish line next week. 33 is still really young, but you could have two years of better experience if you were. If you make a different approach or you can sit it or you can keep doing what you're doing, sitting your apartment most of the time. And every you know, and five times a year, go on a date with absolutely no practice and they'll all go the same. So get yourself out there. Challenge yourself to do that. Talk to your friends, ask for their advice, ask for their encouragement, ask for ideas. For you, this is all about getting out of your comfort zone, getting out of your your house on a regular basis and practicing interacting with people.

[Erica]

Got it. That sounds great.

[Nick]

All right, well, keep us posted, man. I'd love to know how this goes over the years, but take your time, man.

[Erica]

Thank you. I definitely will.

[Nick]

All right, best of luck.

[Erica]

Thank you.

[Nick]

All right, take care. Bye. Bye.

[Erica]

Bye.

[Nick]

Who doesn't love bread? I have never met someone to their people who love bread and eat bread or people who wish they could eat bread. I feel like that's the two people in this world anyways. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy bread without guilt? Well, with here bread, you can focus on your health goals and still indulge in the soft, fluffy foods that you love guilt free. Whether it's a nutritious breakfast wrap, avocado toast, grilled cheese with cozy soup, or a family burger night, Herobred has you covered. No matter what kind of bread you're craving, loaves, tortillas, bagels, rolls or pastries, Herobred has it. Their food tastes great and it feels great too. Natalie and I love breakfast sandwiches in the morning and using Herobred's classic white bread or Herobred's cheese and herb crescent rolls are an absolute must have in our house. Their products are delicious and flavorful, but have ultra low net carbs, zero grams of sugar and fiber. The best part is you wouldn't know it from the texture and the amazing flavor. With Herobred, you can get monthly small batch drops of indulgent favorites like their 4 gram net car bagel. And new surprises coming this year, Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero Co and use code V I A L L at checkout. That's V I A L l@hero co spelled h e r o co. Your time and expertise are valuable. Why don't you just make sure that Your team is focusing on the things that you pay them for instead of checking their grammar or proofreading their work. That's where Grammarly comes in. Grammarly helps you and your team stay focused and get through your work faster with relevant real time suggestions. Whenever you write, Grammarly helps with anything writing from brainstorming to sounding more confident and persuasive at work. 90 of professionals say Grammarly has saved them time writing, editing their work. We use it here at the Bio files and four out of five professionals say Grammarly helps them gain, buy in and action through their communications. Grammarly works with over 500, 000 apps and websites. 93 of professionals report the Grammarly helps them get more work done. So if you are like me and maybe you're dyslexic and no matter how many times you proofread an email, you'll always miss an error, well, let Grammarly do it the first time and that you don't have to proofread at all. Just let Grammarly do it for you. And again, think about how much time you and your team can save by not just rewriting and proofreading all this written communications. Just let Grammarly help you get the job done. Get more done with Grammarly. Download Grammarly for [e-mail] podcast that's Grammarly.com podcast. How's it going?

[John]

Hi, my name is Beth. I'm 29 years old and I kissed my guy best friend on New Year's Eve and now I have feelings for him.

[Nick]

Oh, now you have feelings? Like magically after the kiss you develop these feelings you never thought you had.

[John]

Honestly. Yeah, it was, it wasn't just a kiss. Did hook up.

[Nick]

Oh, you hook. Oh, okay, okay.

[John]

We did hook up. And so.

[Nick]

All right, well, set the stage for me. All right, so like Eric, it's 6:00pm New Year's Eve. What are we doing? Like, how did, how did this all unfold?

[John]

So he was out of town and debating whether or not to come back in town and he ended up coming back in town and he set up a plan for a group of friends and invited me to come along. Mostly just his friends and then invited me to come along.

[Nick]

Are these guy friends or are these girl and guy friends?

[John]

It was mostly other couples.

[Nick]

Oh, mostly other couples.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[John]

And so then we. I kind of had it in the back of my head knowing it was New Year's and knowing that it was mostly other couples, that something might happen. But we had never crossed that line before.

[Nick]

Wait, wait, so you're saying you suspected something might happen just because it was other couples?

[John]

Yeah. And it's. We were the only two people who were single.

[Nick]

Well, what made you. Well, what's the history of this friendship? How long have you known this guy?

[John]

Yeah. So we have been friends for almost seven years.

[Nick]

Okay.

[John]

And we started out working together, and then we don't work together anymore. But we lived in different cities for most of our friendship, like, totally across the country. And then a couple years ago, he moved to the city that I live in.

[Nick]

Okay.

[John]

And so a couple years ago, we started just hanging out more one on one, just mostly because he didn't know a lot of people in the new city that he moved to. And we just. We just got closer over the last couple years. But we both did not ever let it get to a point where we were getting closer or where we would put ourselves in a position where it might cross a line.

[Nick]

Until the other night, there's no, like, flirting. Like, up until the other night, what was the closest you guys ever got to it being anything other than friends?

[John]

Honestly, like, it hadn't really ever gotten closer other than like, people around us saying things like, are you sure you guys don't like each other? And like, kind of like doing that thing that people do when they see two people who they think could be together but both of us would. Were just always like, no, like, we're just friends. We're just friends.

[Nick]

And from your point of view, why were you just being like, nah, we're just friends. Like, what was your honest feelings towards him just as a friend, or was it someone like you thought was always kind of cute?

[John]

It wasn't. So. He's not my typical physical type.

[Nick]

Okay.

[John]

Not typically the kind of person that I go after. So that's part of it that I just sort of like, never really went there in my head. I think part of it's also that I was not really taking dating very seriously. Kind of just like with a lot of fuck boys and that kind of thing and just whatever for a while until the last couple years when I've gotten a little bit older. Honestly, like, I just don't think I ever let myself go there mentally. Like, if we ever, like, I ever started to kind of like, think about it, because of course I thought about it. Like, I'm not going to deny that I didn't think about it, but we just never let it go there. Never let it even consider it as an option. And I didn't eat it either.

[Nick]

So anyways, you suspected maybe something would Happen. You guys have this, like, group hang. All couples. And then you guys. And then what happens?

[John]

So then, like, right before midnight, I. I went over and sat down next to him, and he, like, immediately put his hand on my. And I was like, okay, yeah, it's on. And then we kissed at midnight. And then, like, we're kind of making out throughout the rest of the night. Ended up going home together and sleeping together.

[Nick]

What was that like? I mean, there's so many. Like, there's so, like, the car ride. Were you guys talking? Making out? Like, was it just, like. You know what I'm saying? The time between you left the house and got into it, put the P in the V. Were you guys not talking? Were you drunk? Like, there were so. You know what I'm saying? There were so many moments. You were drunk. Okay, all right.

[John]

We were drunk and we were talking about it, and. But. And we even, like, had a conversation while we were, like, kind of in between, like, making out and partying and whatnot. Was like, is this a good idea? I don't know. This might not be a good idea. We probably shouldn't do this more than once if we're not gonna go somewhere.

[Nick]

Who is saying that?

[John]

So it was kind of like both of us saying, like, is this a good idea? I don't know. But then I specifically made the point. I was like, I can't do this. Like, we can't just, like, start having casual sex. Otherwise I'm gonna. I'm gonna get feelings. So, like, we can't do this more than once.

[Nick]

You said, we can't do this more than once.

[John]

I mean, it kind of already felt like it was, like, gonna happen that night. So I sort of was like, well.

[Nick]

It'S just a weird boundary to set. Be like, you can me once, you know? Like, I'm just saying, as a guy, all I'm hearing is, do I get to have sex with you tonight or not? Yes or no? You know what I'm saying? Like, the whole, like, he's like, I don't know. Like, that's tomorrow. I don't know, like, more than once. Commitment. I don't know. Are we having sex tonight? You know, just like, yeah, it's kind of a hilarious.

[John]

So it might have been, but that was what ended up happening.

[Nick]

So where are we now? Where are we now?

[John]

Yeah, a couple days after, we were hanging out, like, normal and just, like, having a normal conversation. And. And he mentioned and started kind of, like, talking about his ex and kind of, like, talking to me about his ex, which I thought was really odd.

[Nick]

Like, he might still have feelings for her.

[John]

He claims not, but the way that he was reacting was. Didn't seem like it. He was, like, worried about one of his other friends being interested in hooking up with his ex. And so he was talking to me about that situation.

[Nick]

Why? Okay, that's weird. Yeah.

[John]

And so I didn't like that, and I. But I just kind of, like, brushed it off. I just was like. I gave him some advice on, like, what I thought he should do about it, and then we. We kind of just like, moved on to different conversation. And then at the end of that, I was like, I need to say something. And so as we were kind of leaving, I was like, I don't know. I think that there might be something worth exploring here. And he essentially was like, I don't know. I don't want to get your hopes up, but I just don't know. And I was like, all right, well, I'm not going to push it any further than that, but I honestly do believe that there's something that could be really good there.

[Nick]

I think you only got one option, which is you have to decide. You have to commit to this decision. So if you really think there is something there with this guy, you have to commit to that mindset. And if you're going to commit to that mindset, that means you have to stop being homies and friends and platonic buddies, and you have to make him want you and miss you and realize, because, like, you know what I'm saying, this was all very predictable. And by predictable, I mean, like, up until this point, right? Like, the fact that he was about to have sex with you, and you basically gave him a hall pass, you know, to, like, have some fun sex on New Year's Eve. And, like, the way you sold it to him is like, we can do this once. And if we do this once, there will. You know, it won't get weird. There'll be no feelings. He did this whole, like, are you sure we should do this? Was like, you know, if a guy's saying that short of him being obsessed with you and in love with you, which maybe is deep down, but right now, he just thinks you're his friend. He's just saying that because he's just like, he wants to have sex with you and not have you call him an afterwards. And so, yeah, now that you were like, hey, I think there's something there, you know, you gave him something for free. And how was the sex, by the way?

[John]

It was really fun.

[Nick]

Awesome. Love that. For both.

[John]

It was really fun. Yeah. And that was, like, basically what I said to him when we. When I was like, I don't know, I think that there might be something worth exploring here. I. I said, like, the other night was really fun. And he also was like, yeah, it was. It was really fun. I was like, it's kind of a shame to, like, never do that again. To, like, not let it happen.

[Nick]

What do you say?

[John]

That was kind of when he was like, well, I don't know. I just, like. Like, I'm not sure. I don't want to, like, get your hopes up, whatever. Which feels really like, a condescending thing to say to me.

[Nick]

Yeah. Oh, my God. That was, like, the worst thing he could have said to you.

[John]

Worst possible thing.

[Nick]

That was your hopes up.

[John]

I got out of the car and I was like, all right, I'll see you later.

[Nick]

Yeah. Yeah. That shouldn't annoy you. You should be mad. Do you have the right to be mad about that? Yeah. I mean, you have to commit, and you have to, you know, and so, like, yeah, his. The reason why it's predictable is because he got to have sex with you. And I don't know, just as a guy, there is something about, like, if a guy wants to have sex with a woman, so he obviously, I wanted to have sex with you, because he did. There's always a. Like, what is that going to be like, you know, that first time, you know, and now he knows, and now he has that opportunity. And so, like, that's. That's fine. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but now you're pitching him, like, responsibility and expectations and rules, so to speak. You know what I'm saying? Like. Like, ultimately, the way that's what. That's kind of what. He's here and, like, I don't think he's even, like, conscious. Like, you know, I'm saying subconsciously, he's like, all right, I. She's in my life all the time. I see her multiple days a week. She's my friend. I mean, I'm so comfortable around her. I mean, she's my friend. I mean, like, I could ask her advice, ask about this if I want to have lunch with her. She's definitely a phone call away now. We had sex. Like, I know what that's like with her. And so his subconscious brain just doesn't understand why he needs to, like, like, do anything different. Yeah. You know, because different almost is like. It's like his man brain Is thinking in terms of, like, what is he gonna have to give up to have this?

[John]

Yeah.

[Nick]

What. What more is he gonna have to do?

[John]

So then if I commit to it, because, like, I do genuinely think if we, like, tried it out, it would work. So then how do I make him come to his senses about it?

[Nick]

We have a couple options. In a perfect world, and I don't know how you do this, but in a perfect world, you're really confident in your sex and you're confident that he really likes the sex that you give him. And in a perfect world, there's a couple more times where you guys get. You give in and you guys have some sex.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

Right.

[John]

Not the answer I was expecting.

[Nick]

Well, you've already had the sex, you know.

[John]

Okay, well, I mean, listen, I am confident in it. It was good. It was very good.

[Nick]

That's great. Because he needs to want to have sex with you again. That really helps. And chances are, if you had a good time, he'll want to have sex with you again. So you could have sex again. You definitely don't have to, but what I want to get him is emotionally really invest in this A. I want him to start enjoying having sex with you, which hopefully he does already. The having more sex part is. Isn't that important, but eventually you need to just, like, cut it off. I only might say that because it might be a little bit abrupt now. I almost, like, in a way, I don't know if you can handle it, but, like, it's some jed. Like, for. For a period of time, I almost want you to like. And you would never guess I would have said this because I'm really thinking this out loud. You almost have to, like, kind of, like navigate into a situationship.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

And then you have to have the strength and the guts to, like, shut that down. Yeah, you kind of do. And like Natalie now famously did with me that we always talk about where it's just like. For a while. Yeah, it was kind of casual as whatever. I was just like, you know, But I just was like. Like she kept showing up. And every time she was there, I was like, I just missed this chick and I missed this, you know, and it was just like. And finally when she was like, you, I'm gone. I was like, I'm obsessed with you, and I need you. And in my. In my life, and I miss you, and I don't. And I haven't felt. I haven't missed someone like this. And I don't know how long, you know, but really, I Mean, you are to be. All jokes aside, you already have the rapport. You've already had sex. He is your friend. You know, he's been in your life for a long time. It should feel abrupt to him for you to, you know, change things. Part of the reason why you have more sex and turn it into a situationship is because if you abruptly end things now, he might get a little mad at you. And in a weird way, he might feel justified for being mad at you because, like, technically you did give him this super weird boundary, which is like, you can me one night and nothing will mean anything, but after that, it all counts. He's giving you a hard time.

[John]

When you say it like that. It sounds crazy, but, I mean, we've.

[Nick]

All done that shit. I'm laughing with you. I've. We've all done on that. But I think it's important for us to acknowledge the crazy we say in the moment. So, like, as we get older, we can be a little more honest with ourselves about the ways in which we lie to ourselves and the people that we're developing these connections with. Because you do eventually you just kind of have to be real with yourself. You have to re real with the people you're with, and you have to. And. And you have to show them that you're serious about yourself. I mean, that's what it comes down to. Like, it wasn't like I was taking Natalie for granted deliberately. I mean, I certainly was, but, like, yeah, I really thought I was being thoughtful and I thought I was being courteous. But at the end of the day, she finally was like, this is beneath me. And her actions showed me that she was, like, tired of it and I had to make a choice. So for you, ultimately, if you don't want to be that gamey about it, because honestly, that's probably just of a mess, you know, super down to be.

[John]

Gamey about it, honestly. Well, because, like, I don't know how else to do it besides, like, like. Because, like, I've already said where I stand and that I think that there's something worth exploring. And he said that he, you know, he was like, kind of wishy washy about it, which I basically just like, kind of took as like a no. Which to your point, was probably because he's like, well, why would I change, like, a good thing?

[Nick]

Yeah. So you're gonna have to figure out, like, what your comfort level of your current situation is and how dependent he is on you to a certain extent. You know, like, how much are you in his life right now.

[John]

I mean, I probably see him two or three times a week. I would say, like, we're each other's usual first call on, like, weekend nights if we want to do something or, like, if we're planning something, if we want people to join. Like, we're usually each other's first call. Like, I feel like I'm very much a part, like, huge part of his life. And like, he even, like, said that, like, when we were drunk that night, he's like, like, I don't, like, I wouldn't be able to, like, lose you and so, like, don't want to, like, mess this up. Hence why, like, should we even do.

[Nick]

This is a strong chance that, like, yeah, he could fall for you for sure. Yeah, for sure.

[John]

But he has to, like, let himself go there, and he's not doing.

[Nick]

He has to let himself go there. I mean, if I'm keeping it super real with you and, you know, you're a beautiful person, you know, like, it just comes down to, like, how much did he really like having sex with you?

[John]

Okay, well, I got the impression that he liked it a lot, so I.

[Nick]

Yeah, And I just think that if. If he really liked it a lot, then I'm guessing he's going to want to do it again and so just.

[John]

Have to, like, let that kind of situation actually play out. And.

[Nick]

Yeah, right now I'd. I'd just be chill. I wouldn't bring it up again. Whatever you do, don't be passive aggressive.

[John]

Okay?

[Nick]

That is the worst. I don't think any guy likes that ever. You know, just be.

[John]

Just be chill. Just keep being friends.

[Nick]

Just be friends for now. But like, on your weekend, you go out, you know, hopefully you guys get drunk and have sex again. That's my wish.

[John]

My birthday this weekend.

[Nick]

So. Interesting. Interesting. Only because, like, I could see him getting in. In his head about having sex with you on your birthday. Is he. Are. Do you already have plans to hang out on your birthday?

[John]

Yeah, but it's not. It's not a. It's like, it's going skiing for the day, so it's not like a getting. Going out and getting drunk at night kind of thing. There's not a direct path to sex.

[Nick]

Interesting. Would it be weird for you to tell him to take you to dinner?

[John]

Probably, yeah. You mean, like, for my birthday? Yeah, I mean, like, I could see a situation where we just end up going to dinner, but, like, for me to tell him to take me to dinner, that would be a little odd.

[Nick]

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Go have fun on your birthday. Be open to having sex with him again, I guess.

[John]

Okay, that is so not the answer I was expecting, but.

[Nick]

Well, I definitely say. I definitely say that with a huge, like, caveat or like a grain of salt, so to speak, because you are way more at risk of being emotionally up than he is. Just.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Generally speaking.

[John]

Yeah. Well, to throw a little bit of a curveball into the situation, he is potentially going to have to get back surgery soon. And if he does do that, he's going to move back home, which is across the country, for at least a period of time. And so I'm. I don't know if you think that that is influencing his hesitancy or his thought process.

[Nick]

Probably not, no.

[John]

Okay. Probably not, because he's also, like, on a lot of, like, pain meds and stuff that he. Not in a great physical spot.

[Nick]

But generally, I mean, that's. This is a huge generalization, but it's probably not the reason.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

I think. I just think, honestly, most people when they like someone and they want to date someone, they will think of a million excuses and reasons to make it work.

[John]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, exactly.

[John]

So they're not gonna think of the things that aren't going to.

[Erica]

So.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[John]

All right.

[Nick]

So.

[John]

So I just have to make him be obsessed with having sex with me and.

[Nick]

And then kind of. But it's just to summarize, we are assuming this is a man that, like, you guys have this relationship with and. And. And it's been friends for whatever reason, you guys have avoided any kind of physical boundaries. And like, the other night, you guys went past that, and he said some things to you that felt normal. Fe. Things like, I don't know, like, you're a big part of my life physically. You know, you guys seem like you're compatible. He's not even your physical type. Do you see him? Do you think he's. You're his physical type?

[John]

Generally, yeah.

[Nick]

Okay.

[John]

I've never asked, but, yeah.

[Nick]

You've seen the women he dates?

[John]

Yeah, I think generally, yeah.

[Nick]

And so, yeah, there seems to be, like, a match there. So I think a lot of men in his positions. Yes. Well, like, there's no real incentive for him to. Because he's so comfortable with the situation he has with you. He knows what it is. You know, he's got this emotional support system. Like, in a lot of ways, you are his girlfriend already. You know what I'm saying? Like, you. You fill that emotional responsibility that often that a girl, like, you know, if this guy got a girlfriend tomorrow, I can promise you your relationship would change. She would not be okay with your guys's dynamic, regardless of the sex. Would that. Would that be fair to say that, like, chances are you guys were a little bit too close?

[John]

Yeah. I will say. Like, so he. His most recent ex, he dated, like, I don't know, four months ago. And it wasn't overly serious, but it. We didn't change our dynamic very much. And so. But I don't think. I think that was more because he didn't like her very much.

[Nick]

Yeah, yeah. I'm talking about, like, someone who's like, hey, I might marry this guy, and she, like, tries to, like, merge their lives. I'm guessing you're.

[John]

Especially now that we've hooked up.

[Nick]

I don't think.

[John]

But it would be okay with.

[Nick]

Yes, but yeah. So you're playing this role for him. Right. And so it's just about trying to almost, like, change his brain psychology a little bit. Right. To do that, you have to withhold some of the things that you're giving him. Right. So the more sex part, it's mostly a joke. I'm just more like. It's more like you could probably have sex with him a few more times and it won't change anything is my guess. And then maybe, you know, he becomes more comfortable and he really likes having sex with you. I don't know. You almost have to try to, like, slow play a relationship with him, and that doesn't make him feel like you're adding a lot of pressure or responsibility. And then out of nowhere, you change it. Out of nowhere, you're like, you know what. What are we doing here? This is crazy. You know, like, and, like, if. The next time you have sex, you don't say, like, if you were to hook up over your birthday, you don't say anything.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

You know, let it happen. You just let it happen. You try to do the thing that I. I tell no one to do. You know what I'm saying? But you're only doing it because you. You're. You're playing chess here. You're not playing checkers. You're thinking two steps ahead.

[John]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And so, But. But keep in mind this comes with a huge risk. The risk is we could be wrong about him. He goes and gets his back surgery. He never comes around, and you've fallen madly in love with this guy, and you never get what you want. That is definitely possible. So I just want to say that and acknowledge that, like, what I'm telling.

[John]

You that's already the situation I'm in. So, like, it's not very different.

[Nick]

Okay, well, it could be more. It will, like, it will be more. I mean, it will be more. Right? You're not, you know, this is.

[John]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick]

So just. I want you to just acknowledge that and just be mindful of that. That, like, have. Have your fun player games, but, like, there are consequences. You know, you have to be. Be, you know, headstrong here and mindful. You. You really have to be honest with yourself while doing this. And at any point where you're like, this is too much for me, then you have. You can't. You know what I'm saying? Because a lot of it has to do with the energy you bring around him. And if your energy changes, he'll notice it. You know, if you start acting upset with his reactions, you know, that's another thing that you. Another thing you have to be mindful of that, you know, I think will catch you off guard. Right up until this point before, I'm guessing, this guy could have brought up past girlfriends, could have said something, and if either gave you the ick or you found it to be slightly annoying, you'd either just ignore it or just like, whatever. I don't know. You just. As a guy.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Now when he says that, you're gonna analyze it. Some of it you're gonna take personally. The whole, like, you know, I don't want to let you down. You do have the right to be mad. But, like, what. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's like that. That you're gonna notice more now that you like him and that you, you know, you're just gonna notice things he does more, and you're gonna have more of opinion about it. And the more you share or act that you know, and. And the more you change the dynamic that way, that's what you don't want. You know, save that for once. He is your boyfriend. Then you can be the girlfriend who, like, nags something, gets on his case, and does, you know, whatever a loving partner does. But, you know, you get what I'm saying though, right? Like, yeah, you know, you don't want to be like, well, why'd you say that? Why'd you, you know, why'd you do that? Like, or you kind of give him the cold shoulder and give him being passive aggressive and ignore him because he said something that annoyed you. And it's just like, you don't want to do that. You have. You have to be able to be the chill Cool friend that you have been to this guy, and that is more important than anything else. More important than the sex? Yeah.

[John]

Be the chill, cool friend. Still continue to hang out like we always have.

[Nick]

Yeah. I mean, honestly, if you. If you want to, like, go from joking to sound advice, whether it's sex or anything else, you're finding moments where you connect with this guy. That doesn't make it feel like it's getting weird for him.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

And you want to just find different ways that you guys can connect, whether it's sex or hanging out or spending quality time together, being there for him in a way that, like. And. And I want him to get real comfortable and really used to it. And then I want you to. They'll pull it out of the rug and just. And just say, like, I can't do this anymore. And he's gonna. And then when you do that, he's gonna say, no. Most likely, almost certainly he's gonna tell you, like, I can't. I can't do this. Why are we doing. Why I gotta ruin it. That's a good thing. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you can either call back and I can update you or you can, like, read my book, but when you do that, then that you really need to be chill and you just say, hey, listen, I. This is how I feel. And I know we could be great. And if you don't feel that way, I understand, but we can't keep doing this, and you can't call me anymore.

[John]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And you just remain calm as fuck. And you. And then you have to enforce that boundary and you have to not take his calls, and you have to start going on dates with other men. And also while you do this, make sure you're dating aggressively.

[Erica]

Also.

[John]

Other dating. Yes. That was. The other thing that I was talking to a friend about is like, do I, like, try to have another guy come to my birthday? Or like, don't be.

[Nick]

Don't be. Don't be like. Like gamey like that. But just make sure you're dating and don't hide it. That's all. That's all you have to do.

[John]

Don't hide it. Just don't need to be in front of him. Just like, yeah, do not.

[Nick]

No, don't. Yeah, it's. There's a huge difference between not hiding it and then flaunting it, because that'll just annoy him.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[John]

All right. That makes a lot of sense. So. And then it's just a matter of, like, okay, like, at what point do I flip that switch and say, like, listen, I can't.

[Nick]

There's no real answer. Honestly. Yeah, I mean, honestly, you could do it now. I mean, you really could. You. You have a rapport with this guy. He did say that. You're a big part of my life. I don't know if I could lose you, you know, but right now. And that's why I was kind of joking that I almost want you to get into a situationship. Because so much of a situationship is. I've talked to all. You know, it's mostly women, but whether it's a guy or girl, it's the person who's on the hopeful part, as I say, of a situationship, they'll call up and be like, well, we do all these boyfriend and girlfriend things. Why don't they want to be my boyfriend or girlfriend? You know what I'm saying? And they. Yeah, I want you to do. I want you to start doing all those boyfriend and girlfriend things with this guy and. And connect with him in. In these ways. And it's like, it's just about building that rapport. Because right now it sounds like up until New Year's Eve, you really were just friends. You weren't doing a lot of boyfriend, girlfriend things. I want you to do slightly more boyfriend and girlfriend things, you know, Slightly more.

[John]

Okay, so it's like, yeah, like, we would go. We would do things one on one a lot. We would.

[Nick]

Like, how often do you get lunch or dinner?

[John]

I don't know. We probably like once a week.

[Nick]

Okay. Yeah, keep doing that.

[John]

But it was always, like, casual. It was never like, yeah, that's fine.

[Nick]

Oh, trust me, if people. Situationships, it's always casual. It's just about quality time. It's just about you two are spending a lot of time together. You know what I'm saying? I want him to take you for granted in a way. I want him to enjoy all this time he has with you, whatever it is. Maybe it's sex, maybe it's dinner, whatever. And I want him to, like, take it for granted to a certain and have him not realize it. And then when you are like, I can't do this anymore, he has to realize he's been taking it for granted in a way.

[John]

Okay. And then when I say that, like. Like how Natalie said it, like, basically, I think we could be great.

[Nick]

Yeah, Literally. That was. That's literally what she said. She's like, I really think she. I mean, it was like the third time she brought it up, and she was like, I. I just think we could be really great, and I really want. I want us to do this. But, yeah, she was. I mean, I. I'll still. I remember exactly where we were, and she was just very calm and a very. She was chill as. And very matter of fact. And. And then I said, no, and she said, okay, take me to the airport. I mean, she was on her way to the airport anyways. But she didn't grovel. She didn't bag. She didn't cry. She didn't say why not. She didn't try to convince me.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

She went home and planned a date with a surgeon.

[John]

That's where I feel like I'm. I've started a good foundation for that. Because, like, the other day, I did say, like, I don't know. I think there's something here. And then I was. When he was like, I don't know. I just was like, all right, well, I'm. See you later. Like, I just, like, left because it was, like, time to leave. Like, we were. I was already leaving.

[Nick]

Yeah. I think I need. You need to go on another date real fast with another guy.

[John]

With another guy. All right, I have one in on cue, so we can do that.

[Nick]

Yeah. And don't hide it. Like, what are you doing this weekend? Oh, I have a date. Great. And you're just kind of casual about it because, you know, when. When. Because now when you say to him, oh, I think there's been something great here. And he says, oh, well, like, I don't want to let you down, he's immediately in a position of power. Right? And power can shift so quickly. The moment that he finds out you're on a date, and especially after he had sex with you, you. Yeah, he's gonna feel something. What? I don't know. He will feel something. And the more you're just kind of like, yeah, I don't know. I'm on a date. And it's almost. And you act like you forgot you brought it up to him, that you could be something special. He loses that power. And even if it's just about the power that will make him feel a certain way now, you have to be careful with that because you don't want him to like you just because he wants to know. He can, but it's such a fine line. And when it comes to this type of stuff and dating, it's like. Like, we're all these. We're egomaniacs. We all want to be pursued. We want someone who, like, feels lucky to have us, but at the same time, we don't want to chase, you know, it's like, well, you know.

[Beth]

Exactly.

[John]

And it's like I don't want to like be in a position where I feel like I'm having to convince somebody to be with me. But at the same time, like when like I feel pretty confident about this. Like we've been friends for seven years, we now realize that like we also have good sexual chemistry. Like we like. I don't want to do anything different than we've been doing besides just add in more sex.

[Nick]

I think you should just. When you're in his presence, you are, you are confident, you are independent, you are self assured. You have a million exciting things going on. You know what I'm saying? Like that's generally the energy without trying to like pitch them and try to sell it. But that's more of a state of mind. It's more of a mindset that you know. And again, so that when he asks what you're doing, you don't say nothing. You don't say, oh, I have nothing going on on board. You're always selling ex, you know that? Like you have a lot going on. And it's more of a mindset. And this is a guy who does know a lot about you anyways. So don't, you know, you don't want to like read false, but like you go on dates, you know, it's like, yeah, you know, like normal people in your situation would be really sad about being rejected it. After he rejected you, so to speak. Right. But you're not going to do the normal thing. You're just going to move on with your life, go on a date and act like you were completely unbothered by that rejection. That will be different. He'll notice. You know, it's like that. And if you can keep him on your toes that way, he'll start, he'll start asking himself, what the fuck am I doing? You know?

[John]

That's what I'm hoping. That's what I'm hoping.

[Nick]

But if you, if you stop dating a bunch of people and you grovel and beg for him, he's just going to be like, yeah, I'm, I'm good. You know, like she's got nothing going for. No one else wants to date her. She's begging me to date her, you know, like, you know, he's not gonna actually say that, but that's kind of how we think, you know? Yeah.

[John]

Yeah, you gotta like create some demand.

[Nick]

Yeah. So go create some demand.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

And then. Yeah. When do you do it? I Don't know. It's a gut feeling before it's back surgery.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[John]

I don't know. We'll see. We'll see how that plays.

[Nick]

I would say less than two months.

[John]

Less than two months. All right. That at least gives me, like, some sort of a guideline, because I've also, like, had guy friends that I've slept with for, like, over two years, so I don't want to get into that situation.

[Nick]

No, no, no, no. This is, like. Yeah. I mean, again, I'm mostly joking about the sex part, and this is really about you not responding the way he's expecting you to respond after this and then continue to hang out with him, trying to make connections with him, and then showing him that you haven't put yourself on hold because he hasn't asked you to, and then keep making these connections with him, having that quality time with him. He gets more used to that quality time, and then eventually, you. You cut him off.

[John]

Okay, I can definitely do that.

[Nick]

You have a lot going for you. It'll work itself out one way or the other.

[John]

All right.

[Nick]

But your peace of mind is knowing that you can't be friends with this guy. You never really could be. This was meant to happen. And by meant, I mean, like, you inevitably, you guys were gonna have sex. And the fact that you told. As if, like, you knew it was a sure thing, which honestly doesn't make much sense, but I'm just going to take your word for it. So clearly, I'm just saying, like, there was a. A natural level of confidence and chemistry that you guys had, that you felt a level of. You. You. You know, you knew. You knew. So there's clearly something. There was this helpful.

[John]

It really is. Yeah, I. It's not what I was expecting you to say. I thought you were going to immediately tell me that I need to, like, stop being friends with him and just.

[Nick]

Cut him out, but I want to emphasize that you could do that now, and you're, you know. You know this guy in this relationship better than I do. But basing off what you're telling me, I'm. I'm sensing some reluctance on his part, and I'm sensing he needs to be a little bit more emotionally invested in you than he is. Yeah, it does seem like there's a shot here. We'll see.

[John]

Okay, I think that's. That's good to hear.

[Nick]

All right, well, keep us posted. I. I definitely will need an update.

[John]

Okay, I will.

[Nick]

All right, take care.

[John]

All right, thanks, Nick.

[Nick]

All right, bye. Bye. Have you ever wanted to learn a new skill by someone at the top of their game. Well, I'm sure the answer is yes. We. That's all of us. Well, Masterclass is here to help you accomplish that. Whether you want to learn about photography, negotiating, cooking, art, painting, craftsmanship, honestly, the list goes on. Hockey, screenplay writing literally is unbelievable. What you can learn from the best in class. Maybe you can learn cooking from Wolfgang Puck. That sounds fun. Or maybe you can learn a little bit about hockey with Wayne Gretzky. Or learn about comedy development from Mindy Kaling. I learned how to do photography. I love Christopher Voss. Art of Negotiation. I love Masterclass. I use it all the time. I even got it for gifts from my brother in laws. It's absolutely great. Plus there's no risk. Every new membership comes with 30 day money back guarantee. I mean you can use it for 30 days and get rid of it, but you won't because you'll be shocked on how fun it is, how interactive it is and just how beautifully done it is. It really feels like you're immersed in an actual classroom with these high end professionals that are really at the top of their game. It's truly incredible. Right now our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual [e-mail] Nick that's 15% [e-mail] Nick masterclass.com Nick article is an online furniture company that makes it effortless to create a stylish, long lasting home at an unbeatable price. Article believes in delightful design for every home. They're curated assortment of mid century modern coastal industrial scandi inspired designs not only shine on their own but they pair seamlessly with nearly any other Article product. Their Zena outdoor counter stool, their Rosen dining chairs, Their Tovi round table. We have some great outdoor pieces from Article. We have lounge chairs. We have these really kind of fancy bean baggy things that are like we always get compliments on them every time we have company over. Article takes great care in curating its collection, focusing solely on high quality meaningful pieces that will stand the test of time. Every item is chosen for craftsmanship, design and lasting value. Article offers fast, affordable shipping across the US and Canada with options for professional assembly if you prefer a hands off experience. With Article's 30 day satisfaction guarantee, you can shop with confidence knowing that if you're not completely in love with your new furniture, you can easily return it. This peace of mind ensures you can invest in your home without hesitation. Article is offering our listeners 50 off your first purchase of 100 or more to claim visit article.comv I A L L. The discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com/v I A L L for 50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. The Valhalla is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing a budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Prices and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[Sarah]

Like your must watch list, our network is all over the place because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network. Switch. Now keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off at the $800 per line via prepaid card. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com KeepAndSwitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. Will last 15 days. Qualifying unlock device, credit service port in 90 days device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required card is no cash access and expires in six months.

[Nick]

How's it going?

[Beth]

Good. How are you?

[Nick]

Good. What's your name?

[Beth]

My name is ERICA and I'm 28 years old.

[Nick]

How can I help? Erica?

[Beth]

I am wondering if I'm physically attracted to my own boyfriend.

[Nick]

Okay. How can I help you figure that out? Whether you are or not or. Yeah. Is that what you're trying to figure out?

[Beth]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm trying, I guess, to figure out if it's me and him or if it's just me in general, I guess you would say.

[Nick]

Okay, elaborate. Right.

[Beth]

So basically, I. When it comes to physical intimacy or just like little things, just like touching here and there with him, I really want nothing to do with it. And if you would have asked me about two years ago, I would have said absolutely. My love language is physical touch. That's. I love the lovey dovey stuff. I love him kissing on my cheeks and then coming up behind me and grabbing me. Now I would say I am, like, really resistant to it.

[Nick]

Okay. How long have you been dating this guy for?

[Beth]

On and off for about four years. But I just moved in with him almost a year now.

[Nick]

When is this repulsiveness to him touching you started?

[Beth]

I would say almost whenever I started moving in with him.

[Nick]

Okay. I mean. And why do you think that is?

[Beth]

Like, I'm not really sure. Because he's like. He doesn't do anything wrong. And that's why I'm so stuck. Because he truly is a, like, a perfect guy to me. I just don't like it. Like, I know you don't like the word ick, but, like, whenever he comes up and touches me and stuff, I'm like, oh, I don't want, like. And I don't know if it's just me in general, like, if I would be like that with anybody else or if it's just with him. If something about him and me personally just isn't, like, clicking there on the intimacy part.

[Nick]

Are you fantasizing about other men? Are you checking other men out?

[Beth]

Like, no. Okay.

[Nick]

Are you just, you know, in a season of not being, like, sexual, sexual, like, maybe you're just kind of. Maybe the ick isn't coming from, you know, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're just what you're describing. You've been dating this guy for almost four years or you've known him for four years. And in the first couple years, everything's good, right? Like hooking up, liking.

[Beth]

Yeah, it was good. I wouldn't say, like, I wanted to jump his bones kind of compared to my other relationships, but things were like, okay.

[Nick]

Still, though, do you find him attractive?

[Beth]

Yes.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Beth]

I mean, he's a good looking guy.

[Nick]

Okay, sure. All right. So it's not like you decided, like, yeah, he's. He's a. He's a good looking guy. He's. He may not be.

[Beth]

Yeah, no, he's not the hottest guy in the world. No. But, like, I'm still attracted to him. I guess you would say. Otherwise, I probably necessarily wouldn't be dating him.

[Nick]

Sure. Well, I mean, where do you think this is coming from?

[Beth]

I have no idea. Like, that's why I don't know if it's like, like just maybe me and my hormones or if that's like, something people do go through. Like, if that's normal. If it's just like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know if.

[Nick]

Yeah, I mean, I think it's.

[Beth]

I hate it because every time he, like, wants to do something in my head now that's all I think about, is I don't want to do it. So it also, like, takes away from the fact, like, it stops me, too, from even, like, enjoying things whenever we do it, because it's still in my head.

[Nick]

Obviously. It's hard for me to give you, like, a opinion, even as a man. I think it's a little A little different.

[Beth]

Like, is there something that I. Because I never want him. So now that, like, I feel this way though, I don't want him to like, notice that I feel that way just because, like, I mean, if someone said that to me, it's like a shot in the heart, you know what I mean? So I don't want it to ever come across to him or him to like, get.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Beth]

The feeling from it.

[Nick]

So like, you know, I just want to ask you some kind of personal questions at your comfort level. When you were in other relationships or when you were in this guy, were having a more physical activity, what did you do either with him or, you know, with yourself to like, get you in the mood, so to speak?

[Beth]

I would say I like, whenever a guy has been like, just really in charge, just like, goes for it. Initiates, goes for it. Isn't. Takes charge of everything.

[Nick]

Okay. And what is this guy doing?

[Beth]

Not really that, but I've expressed him before that, like, because sometimes he'll do it and I'll be like, oh, I really like that. To try to like get him to start doing it more.

[John]

And.

[Beth]

And we don't really do like any foreplay either. It's just like we're laying down and then he just wants to start doing.

[Nick]

It, which is kind of like, you know, lame.

[Beth]

Yeah, there's a time and place for that.

[Nick]

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Listen, like, you know, and I'm not, you know, I'm not trying to claim like I'm some Casanova, but like just recognizing that, like, you know. Yeah, every couple does that from time to time. You get tired, you get lazy, whatever. Every man gets lazy, you know, from time to time. But as a couple, you have to find your way out of the ruts, so to speak. Speak. But like, this is not some guy you've been dating for a month or whatever. You've have history with this guy. It. It does sound like it's more of a you thing that you're working through internally. I've no, I know nothing about hormones and I know nothing about stuff like that. But yeah, I mean, I think, I think even guys, I, I mean, there have been times in long term relationships where I just, like, I was the one pulling away from sex more than my partner was for whatever reason why.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I think you guys have to find your way back together in a way. You know, it sounds like you guys aren't communicating at all about intimacy that much. Is that accurate?

[Beth]

Yeah, Yeah, I would say we don't really. The only time we ever really talk about it is like, if I. If he does something that I like, I do try to express that to him or just kind of say, like, hey, I liked whenever you did that.

[Nick]

That's great.

[Beth]

Just to. Hopefully he'll start doing that more. But that's really only what we have talked about. We don't like, you know, debrief or talk.

[Nick]

Sure. Well, listen, on some level, if you're gonna date someone for like four years and continue to date them and gets mundane. And more than getting mundane, it's like, it's just very easy to get lazy or setting your ways or disconnected or whatever. You're going to have to figure out some version where you guys maybe communicate a little bit more about intimacy. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, like, I don't know how. How strong your ick is. Like, if. If you were to get a. Okay. So like, the idea of, like, let's say he created a romantic evening, taking charge. Charge of the situation, lit some candles. I don't fucking know. Told you to, like, lie in the bed. He wanted to give you a massage. And that massage was, you know, like. Yeah. Like, you guys were, like, kind of not wearing clothes and shit. Like, would that give you the ick? Or like, would you be like, it's kind of like, I don't really want to do that. You get a free massage.

[Beth]

Like, right now, I would say, yes, it does give me the ick.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Beth]

And I can't figure out if it's like, just me in general and that's how I would feel if I was with anybody. Like, that's what I'm kind of having difficulties with. Only because I wasn't like that before. I would be like, hell, yeah, let's do it. But now I'm like, oh. I mean, like, I don't want anything to do with that.

[Nick]

I feel like I'm not being much help here, but, like, have you seen a doctor? The little bit I know about women's bodies is that, like, you know, hormones can change and hormones can affect your sex drive and there can be seasons and periods. But, like, maybe it's a question for a doctor and ask if could this be a physical thing as opposed to a mental thing? Because honestly, that's what sounds like you're trying to figure out. You don't even know if, like.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You don't even know if, like, maybe your body's just experiencing some changes and, you know, I don't.

[Beth]

Or if it's just in my head type thing now.

[Nick]

Or if it's in your head, a little bit of both. Feel free not to answer this question. You tell me to off, but, like, are you on birth control?

[Beth]

Yeah, I have an iud.

[Nick]

Sure. You know, and I don't know how I have. No, I know nothing about that. Other than the fact that maybe there's something with birth control that, like, I don't know, could be impacting a mood or something. I don't know. It's worth a call to your doctor. You may not get any answers.

[Beth]

Narrow it down.

[Nick]

Yeah, I don't know. But like, like, you probably get more answers from. Then you'll get from me about this topic.

[Beth]

So I guess then with that, though, so if I, you know, go to the doctor, but in the meantime to at least, like, get it out of my head so I'm literally not, like, thinking this stuff during it. Like, how is there anything that you can tell me to, like, get it out of my head for the time being or if I should just, like, I don't know. You know what I mean?

[Nick]

So I hear you. I don't know if I have a good, good answer. You know, like, so you're basically saying when you're, like, when you guys are having sex, you reluctantly feel like, all right, let's. Let's do the thing.

[Beth]

Sounds so bad. Yeah.

[Nick]

Out of, like, obligation as a. As a girlfriend or whatever. Like, what's going on in your head?

[Beth]

I would say during it, or like, whenever he starts, you know, kissing me. And I know it's going to lead to that. In my head, I'm thinking, oh, I want to just get this over with. I know that sounds like, so messed up, but that's what goes through my head.

[Nick]

Well, and is it because you don't feel like having sex right now, or is it just, like, you want this guy to get off you?

[Beth]

It's kind of both. It just depends. Like, sometimes I'm like, I don't want to do this right now because, yeah, I am tired. But then other times I'm not. Like, it's literally, I don't. I just don't want you to do it.

[Nick]

And you don't know if, like, a different guy might be.

[Beth]

I just think back to, like, before him, kind of when him and I were on and off, I wasn't like this. So that's why a part of me thinks that, like, maybe I'm just, you know, know, a little resistant towards him, and maybe we just don't have that, like, sexual chemistry.

[Nick]

Have you ever had the sexual Chemistry.

[Beth]

Have him and I. Yeah. Yeah.

[Nick]

And what's changed? Has he changed, like, physically?

[Beth]

No. If anything, he's gotten, you know, better.

[Nick]

Okay, better.

[Beth]

Like, like.

[Nick]

So, I mean. Yeah, Just trying to narrow it down. It doesn't sound like very unscientific, unprofessional opinion. And if you can have chemistry with someone at any point, then you can. Can recreate that chemistry, especially bring it back.

[Beth]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Esp. Well, you know. You know, people can let themselves go, you know, and be like, hey, listen, I was. I had the hots from them and they like kind of gave up on themselves, and five years later they're unrecognizable. I don't know. That's a reality. But like, you're saying, if anything, he's invested more of himself, he's taking better care of himself, and he's probably a little hotter than he was five years, you know, four years ago. So, like, it doesn't sound like it's a straight up him thing. I don't doubt that. It's been a combination of. Of you're having a hard time figuring out why you're feeling the way you're feeling. Your body's not responding the way you're used to it responding. You don't feel comfortable communicating this to your boyfriend, obviously, because you don't want to hurt his feelings and have it devastate him. And so you kind of just let him do whatever you let him do. And then I think almost, that is allowing you to almost like, attach your discomfort with it in. In general, to like, get him giving you the ick. My best guess, based on what you're telling me, and I want to emphasize guess, is that, you know, because I think this is like a chicken before the egg question you're asking yourself, like you're asking yourself, is my body doing something where I have lack of interest in sex and therefore it's making me feel a certain way about my boyfriend? Or have I just lost interest in my boyfriend and that's why I feel the way I do and it's less because of what my body's going through. Would that sound accurate? Like the two, like, kind of questions you're juggling feeling?

[Beth]

Yes, definitely.

[Nick]

Okay, so I think. And again, my best guess based on what you're telling me, an emphasis on gas. It makes more sense that your body is going through something. I don't know. Maybe it's just normal. Maybe it's seasonal. Maybe it's something you're eating. Maybe it's something in the water. I Don't know. It makes a lot of sense that, like, if all of a sudden you, like, you know, you were just less in the mood. Less in the mood, but you didn't really know what was going on. You didn't really feel comfortable communicating that with your boyfriend because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. And so as a result, you just kind of let him do, you know, whatever it is he wants to do. And, like, he gets in the mood from time to time. And so, like, that is, like, making you feel a certain way about him because, like, now you've attached, you know, because he is your partner when you're not in the mood and you don't want to do anything and he's making moves on you, anyone would give you the ick in that moment, you know.

[Beth]

And you don't feel an annoyance whenever. Yeah, it's already in my head.

[Nick]

So it's not. It's less about him and more that he's annoying you. You. Because, like, you don't know how to communicate how you're feeling about that stuff.

[Beth]

That makes sense. Yeah.

[Nick]

It's a tough situation to be in, but I do. If. And again, I'm just guessing. So, like, maybe you. For before you go rogue, like, you know, have a conversation with your doctor, get the information to ask, you know, ask him.

[Beth]

I don't want to go to him before I figure out if it's actually something in my body that's causing it before I just go up and totally.

[Nick]

But if it. But if it is, listen, like, he should, like, I don't know, any adult man should be able to, like, recognize that, like, you know, sometimes, like, happens and, like, you know. Yeah. Is it easy to, like, question, like, is it me? Yada, yada, but, like, it's a lot easier. You're not doing anything on the side, you know, like, there's some things that might make him insecure, but, like, you know, you'll have to work through that and communicate that. But if it came to that, you could say I just been less in the mood lately. And it's definitely not you or, you know, I don't know if you can say that, but I. I'm just saying you're gonna have to figure out some way to communicate with him because you not communicating with him how you're feeling is causing you to get the ick from your boyfriend because he's just, like, doing what he's always done, and you're not communicating how you're feeling. So you're letting him do it. And it's like getting annoying.

[Beth]

Yeah, no, I would agree with that.

[Nick]

So that's my best guess.

[Beth]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick]

I mean, only you can know if you're still attracted to your boyfriend or not. And I think your confusion, I'm, I'm guessing is coming from the fact that you decided to date this guy for a lot of reasons. It sounds like he's a really good guy and a good boyfriend. There's a lot of things you like about him and relationship and like, you're pretty attracted to him, but like, I don't know, like you decided not to date the hottest guy in the room, which is probably a smart choice. And now that you're feeling this way, you're getting in your head and questioning your attraction to your boyfriend is my best guess.

[Beth]

Okay, now that, that makes sense because that is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm just confused.

[Nick]

I'm definitely curious.

[Beth]

Stays in my head.

[Nick]

Yeah, I, I, I often don't like pulling our audience when, when a comes to their opinion about this stuff. I'd be curious if there's ladies out there listening to this who relate to you.

[Beth]

That's what I was wondering because I was like, I wonder if this is something, you know, normal that women go through or if it's, you know. Yeah, I'd be curious too.

[Nick]

Yeah. What do you, have you talked to any of your girlfriends about this?

[Beth]

A few of them. And they, their reasoning just is that, you know, like they're just tired and stuff like that. It's not that they're like, they're just tired at night or they don't want to type thing or like if their boyfriend pissed them off that day, they're like, I don't want to do anything like that.

[Nick]

Sure. I mean, listen, it sounds like your sex drive is non existent at the moment or just not there, you know, not, not to get like now talking.

[Beth]

About it does sound like that. Yeah.

[Nick]

Yeah. And it's not. You're not doing anything on your own, Correct? Correct. All right. So like you're not trying to, you're not trying to fulfill your sexual needs outside of your relationship, whether that's with yourself, porn, or just flirting with other men or you know, God forbid, cheating on your boyfriend. You just don't feel like doing it, period it. And, and your boyfriend doesn't know. And so now that he's doing this, you feel obligated and it's making you like, annoyed with him. And that makes a lot of sense.

[Beth]

That's, you know, that's exactly what it is. Yeah.

[Nick]

There's ways to improve your sex drive. Talk to your doctor, get some information, Start there and then, yeah, like, maybe find ways to improve your sex drive. I don't know if there's things. Actually, we interviewed someone who, who made women Viagra. She's like one of the first billionaire women.

[Beth]

Might be a thing. I might have to look it up.

[Nick]

Cindy Eckhart. Look her up. Not advocating for anything she's selling or doing. I mean, I, I know her a little bit. She seems legit, but I, I have no idea what it does and what women's vagar means, but I think maybe that's something you could do anyways. Talk to your doctor and find out your options, because it sounds like it's starting there. And then go from there. Because I'm guessing, right, if you talk to your doctor. Right. Or let's say you talk to. Maybe you met some women who are like, girl, like, totally, I know exactly what you're going through. I, I, I wondered the same things, but it's just your lack of sex drive. I bet if you were. Yeah, I bet if you heard that from someone that, like, made you feel like you weren't crazy or gave you something to go on, you might be more, like, less nervous about, like, communicating this with your boyfriend, you know, because right now you're in your, you're in your head about it. And when he's like, well, is it me? You don't want to be like, I don't think so. You don' to have, like, this look of confusion.

[Beth]

If I had, like, yeah, another woman or someone, like, you know, talk about it, I would feel more normal about it, and I wouldn't be as my head in my much, because I always think I'm like, I'm only 28. I'm not like, going through premenopause and stuff. I'm like, my sex drive shouldn't be low. So then I get in my head about that too.

[Nick]

Listen, I think a million things can cause a low sex drive. Are you, you know what's going on? You have stress in your life at all?

[Beth]

Not really. I mean, everybody does, but not like.

[Nick]

Listen, you know, yeah, it could be a million things, and maybe it's an easy fix. Maybe it's a diet thing. I don't know. I definitely think there's a few calls you can make and, and a few doctor visits or whatever. At least get some information and just better understand because I think right now, like, you're just going through something that is you know, like you said, you're young. It's unexpected that you feel the way you do. It's a little confusing and you really have no answers. So all you're doing is guessing right now. You're just getting your head. I appreciate you calling in. It's a really interesting topic and I think one that I, I, I wouldn't be surprised if, if it does relate to a lot of people. But like, I, I'm a start, but like, look to other people who maybe can give you better information.

[Beth]

Yeah, I will. It's first step.

[Nick]

Yeah, it's the first step, but at some point, you know, hopefully you get information that makes you better understand what's going on and assuming it's not your boyfriend, hopefully that will make you confident to communicate. You know, just give them an update on what's going on in your life, life. And hopefully, hopefully he's there for you and, and doesn't take it personally. And there's a lot better chance he won't. Assuming you're like, yeah, like, I just been feeling this way. I went to my doctor, they told me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and like, you know, there's things I, you know, can do and we'll see what happens. But I've just been kind of feeling this way and I would assume that if, let's say nally one was like, hey, just I've been feeling this way and I went to my doctor and blah, blah, blah, blah. Any insecurities or like, questions about is it me or what, you know, getting in my head about other things. Things would be drastically, drastically, like, helped by like, hearing how, like, that she had information already, you know, and that she was, she was kind of proactive. If she came to me and she's like, yeah, listen, I'm just not in the mood lately. And that's all she said. Yeah. My first thought would be like, well, what is it me? It's a tough situation, but I would start there and, and go from there.

[Beth]

Okay.

[Nick]

Okay. If you do get any information and any insight or you're able to, to solve this problem at all, even if you realize, yeah, it was my boyfriend, please let us know. I would love an update.

[John]

Okay.

[Nick]

I'm really hoping that you come back with like, yeah, I would talk to my doctor and I learned this and I did this and, you know, things are better, that would be great.

[Beth]

Hormones are just way off.

[Nick]

Sure. Yeah. You know, like, I hope that's the case too. Despite you being young, I, I don't think you need to freak out and I'm not a doctor. But there, there can be a lot of reasons why you may be feeling the way you're feeling that like, don't need to stress you out or, or there might be like a couple things you can do to, to improve it to help.

[Beth]

Okay.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Beth]

Okay. Thank you guys.

[Nick]

All right. Thank you. Take care. Thanks for your call.

[Beth]

Thanks you as well.

[Nick]

All right. The Val House is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing a budgeting game? Well, with the name your from Progressive you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates prices and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[Sarah]

Like your must watch list, our network is all over the place because T Mobile helps keep you connected from the heart of Portland to right where you are on America's largest 5G network. Switch now keep your phone and T Mobile will pay it off up to 800 per line via prepaid card. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com keepandswitch up to 4 lines of your virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device, credit service port in 90 plus days device and eligible carrier and timely redemption. Required card is no cash access and expires in six months.

[Nick]

All you homeowners have unique needs. Some feel the need to paint their door a vibrant shade of blue. Others have the need to decorate their bathroom with fish anchors and other nautical items. And because each homeowner has unique needs, GEICO helps you get the right coverage for your home and what's in it. That way you get exactly what's right for you, even if your needs are unique. Get more with Geico.