Justin (110:44)
Sure. And like when he's a teenager, the challenge is going to be on the side of you and your husband. Right. Because it, you know, you're right. It's, it's, this isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to like, it's going to require and that's why obviously what you're, you, you and your husband are doing is very noble. It's very challenging. Being a foster parent is very challenging. You know, it's a lot easier to be a parent when your kid, you know, like my daughter river, it's just like, you know, right now she's delightful but when she grows up, I'm not sure what personality traits she'll have or how difficult she might be in certain areas. But right now we'll be able to be like, we're your parents, you do what we say and blah. We have a little bit of control and like you're, you're just trying to like have this kid trust you, let alone like trying to like, I'm your parent, you know, and things like that. So you guys really are walking on eggshells. I think you just have to try to be patient as much as you can be. You're gonna have to, you have to be resilient. You're gonna have to be able to try things out. You can't get discouraged around him, him when and just be like, oh God, what do you like, you know, things like that, you know, you're just gonna have to keep trying. Something is gonna land right in the meantime. I don't know, this is just like again my opinion. I don't know if a therapist would agree with me but like kids needs to believe in himself too, right? Right now he probably doesn't believe in himself, doesn't believe there's much of a future. But I don't know what trauma he experienced. But maybe he has a very pessimistic view on life. But you need to start if any, if you preach anything to this kid, it's his. Like, I would do whatever you can to make him believe in himself. I would observe his. His. His good qualities, his. 10. You know, what. What is. What do you think he's good at? Even if it just gas this kid up, make him feel good about himself, be a cheerleader, you know, don't be obnoxious about it. But, like, really, you know, hey, you know what? You know what I really pointed out? You know what I really. Do you realize how good you are at blank, blank, blank, blank, blank. Do you know, like, that was a really nice thing you did? That was really cool. Cool. He's just not getting that anywhere else. Like, you have to go out of your way for you and your husband to just make this kid believe in himself. And if he can believe in himself, then he can believe in his potential, you know? And once you start believing your potential, then you realize you have something to live for. You know, Right now, he doesn't care about his choices because he doesn't really care what happens to him because life's a drag and life's been nothing but, like, misery. And I can give you a bunch of reasons why life sucks, and I can give you very few reasons why life is awesome and you're you and your husband. I honestly, if my opinion is it's your job right now, not, I mean, it's not your job. You're doing a kindness. But, like, if I were you, I would just try to make this kid just find something every day to make this kid smile. Believe in himself, to have some pride in what he does, you know? Yeah, like that pride, you know, feeling good about what he is doing and then, like, something to live, you know, believe in the future, dream. Have him dream about things. What do you want to do when you grow up? Like, dream big too. Does he want to be the President of the United States? Does he want to be an astronaut? Does he want to fly a plane? Ask him about his dreams and make him believe that he has the right to dream big. Because right now he doesn't have a reason to believe. Dream big. He keeps his dreams small because most of his dreams, dreams he never even had. Things he took it, Grant took for granted, like a healthy home. Those dreams were ripped away. He's probably very reluctant to have dreams, right? So, you know, you gotta start small. But, like, it's really just about getting this kid to start believing in life and hope and dream and aspire to do anything other than just escape. But you're gonna you will have to be patient because it's gonna probably feel like it does now. Like it's, it's met with a ton of resistance. And I think you're gonna have to not. You're gonna have to be willing to accept that resistance and, and, and find the small wins. And it may, it's going to take some time, but you just get to keep hammering. You have to. You know, and like you just described, for a kid who's very used in temporary situations and things that don't last, this could be an almost subconscious, like, test of like, I don't know, they're kind now, but like, they'll be dicks in a year. I don't know. You know, they'll. They believe in me now, but will they believe in me in two years? I don't know, like, you know what I'm saying? His, his resistance to your kindness might be like a test in a way, not even a conscious one, but could be a subconscious test. So it's. I, I really think patience and resiliency and consistency on the part of you and your husband is the most important thing. And then, and then what you're consistent and resilient about is the, is making him believe in himself, giving him things to take pride in what he does, you know, to, you know, find ways to compliment him. Maybe it's his hair one day, maybe it's his sense of style the other day. Who knows what this kid's interest interested in? You know, again, it could be fashion, it could be engineering, it could be sports. It could be maybe, maybe he sucks at sports, but he's amazing at fantasy sports. You know, I don't know. You know, be open to anything. Honestly, we're just trying to find any win for this kid whatsoever. Something that makes him go, I did that. That was cool. You know, that's why they give out gold stars to first graders, you know, because at an early age they want a kid to feel like I did something. I, I used to give tell the same story every job interview I had, and it was a true story. And because I was in a sales job, they fucking loved it. But it's true. I remember the first thing I won it was in the first grade. It was a coloring contest. And we were supposed to color paint glass windows. And being a Catholic kid, my mom was like, you should paint all those little. Paint glass windows different colors. And all the kids were just like, orange, purple. And I was in the first grade. We're sitting in our little circle on the floor, floor as first graders Doug do. And then in walked the results of the coloring contest and they called my name and I was the winner. And that felt so good. Like, honestly, I was like, I like winning. Winning's awesome. I want to replicate this feeling, you know, I feel really. And wouldn't you know it, I got really good at art and maybe, maybe I was always going to be good at art, I don't know. But like that belief in myself that I could do something good and I, and I got rewarded for it. And people were like, that was cool, good job. And I had all, you know, I got accolades and attention and you know, like that, that affected me. So to this, I still vividly remember that day. Don't remember much about first grade, do remember that day. And it's because I won something, you know, and so like this kid needs wins. He needs a lot of wins. He needs some small wins. He needs to, and he needs to be able to trust these wins. And he's going to at first feel like it's insincere. He's going to feel like you're just saying it to be nice. He's going to find every way possible not to believe you and your husband been. But you're going to have to keep being resistant. You're going to have to pe. You know, have to stay patient, be consistent and just hope that over time this kid starts to trust, you know, and, and starts to believe in himself and then, you know, know that you guys will always show up for him. That that's my advice.
