← The Viall Files
The Viall Files
E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram
01:32:55
Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller is wondering why her husband freaked out when she opened his instagram. Our second caller had an affair when she was married and isn’t sure if she deserves...
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- [00:00]
Nick
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- [02:34]
Lauren
Hi, my name is Lauren. I'm 29, and I'm trying to figure out why my husband freaked out when I opened his Instagram.
- [02:42]
Nick
Oh, tell me more.
- [02:44]
Lauren
So I'm nosy, to be honest with you. So, like, if my husband's like, phone goes off, I'll just like, look. I'm like, oh, like, what'd your dad say? Like, just normal. Like, whatever. I'm just nosy. And he was doing dishes, and I was just kind of sitting with him. We were chatting, and an Instagram, like, notification popped up. And I said, oh, you got notification on your Instagram? And I opened it, and he immediately kind of started yelling at me and telling me to, like, close out of it, like, immediately. And I was kind of like, wait, what? Why? And I'm not on Instagram anymore. Really? I don't use it very often, so I don't know. His explanation was basically like, if he looks at, like, reels or stories or whatever, if you open it and then close it and then open it again, you miss stuff, I guess. I don't know. That was kind of the explanation I was given, and I was pissed and I acted that way.
- [03:29]
Nick
Did you actually find anything that upset you?
- [03:31]
Lauren
I didn't look at it. I immediately closed it because he started yelling at me.
- [03:34]
Nick
Okay, well, like, he was just like, why are you going through my phone? Or.
- [03:39]
Lauren
Yeah, he did. Well, he basically was just like. And that. He said he doesn't care. And, like, he then after, as we were, like, getting into an argument, he threw his phone at me, and he was like, go through it. I don't care. I have nothing to hide. So that's kind of where I, like, ended up letting it go. Cause I was like, all right. But I didn't go through it because I also didn't want to, like, act like I was accusing him of something. It was just. It was just a really weird. It was weird.
- [04:00]
Nick
So it just gave you a weird vibe?
- [04:02]
Lauren
Yeah, yeah, it was shady. It just felt really shady.
- [04:05]
Nick
How long ago this happened?
- [04:08]
Lauren
Maybe, like, three weeks ago? Ish. Maybe four.
- [04:11]
Nick
And what's happened since then? Like, has the vibes changed? Is it still, like, eating away at you?
- [04:18]
Lauren
So we haven't talked about it, to be honest. It's one of those things where, like. And I listen to your podcast all the time, and you would say, like, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? So it's one of those things where I was just like, eh, this was weird. I don't want to question it anymore. And I had written in to you that night it happened, and I didn't honestly think anything of it. I kind of, like, moved on with my life. And then I got the response to come on. And I was like. And I told my husband about it. I didn't even tell him I written into you. And he immediately started spiraling. He's like, well, what are you going to say? What is he going to say? And. And I was like. And he's like, I didn't even know it bothered you, like, still. And I was like, well, yeah, I was like, I don't think about it, but it was shady. And, like, I got, like, you gave me your explanation, but it was shady and, like, I still feel like it's shady. Like. And he's like, well, what can I do to make you, like, not feel that way? And I was like, nothing. Really? Because you acted that way. Like, you can't undo how you acted was kind of my.
- [05:08]
Nick
Yeah. And also, like, now he has the benefit of, like, if he were hiding something on Instagram, he. Now he has the benefit of maybe, like, covering his tracks, so to speak. You know, like, deleting search histories and things like that, changing his algorithm, maybe, I don't know, messages. And by the way, you know, do be. The saying, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Is not meant to, like, ignore your body or, like, ignore your instincts. Just because, like, you know, that doesn't mean being avoidant for the purposes of avoiding finding out various truths. It's more about, like, the need to feel right and be right and win an argument over the sake of, like, just. Just to be right. So just. Just to be clear there, that being said, I mean, like, you know, you. He is your husband. It doesn't sound like you have any plans on leaving him. But you. It sounds like your. Your goal here is to work through this feeling that it gave you. So you. You do have to figure this out with your husband, you know, and work through it with him. At that point, you probably. You should have just gone through it.
- [06:19]
Lauren
I mean, hindsight's definitely 20 20. A part of me is like, I feel like I should have just done it. And, like, then if I was wrong, just be sorry and kind of move on. But I just. I don't know.
- [06:30]
Nick
And his reaction was very much like, what are you doing? Explain to me why his reaction in your mind was more than him just getting upset that his wife was, like, going through his phone. Because, you know, that in itself, any partner has a right to be like, why. Why are you. Like. Like, why are you snooping into my. You know. Yeah, but, like, he didn't ask it like, that. I'm guessing, right? He didn't say, like, why are you doing that? Like, almost like. Like, almost a confused. Like, why you? Like, what? Like, why? Huh?
- [07:01]
Lauren
And I think that. Had that been the reaction, I probably been like, I don't know. Like, I'm just nosy and weird. I don't know. But I think that's what triggered my reaction to was because he got so heated so quickly that I was like, oh, my God, are you, like, hiding something? Like, why are you. Like, this seems so small to me. Like, it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. So that's where I, like, my thing is, like, if it. If it was just more of, like, oh, you're being nosy. That's weird. Why are you being so nosy? Why would the reaction be so intense and so, like, intent on me shutting it down, like, right then and there?
- [07:35]
Nick
So how are you going to work through this with your husband?
- [07:38]
Lauren
That's the thing. I don't know, because. And I think I just kind of. I'm very good at compartmentalizing. That's a skill that I have. And so it's one of those things where I was like, okay, I don't know what to do with this, so I'm just going to not think about it ever again and just kind of like, not think about it or focus on it. So then when this has come back up, like, and we had that conversation, I was kind of like, I just. It's hard. Like, I don't know, because it's like, he can't undo the reaction. But I also don't want to. Like, I'm like, I got to go through your phone. Like, give me your phone. I'm going to go through it. Like, I don't want to be like.
- [08:10]
Nick
I mean, you could just. Either you could just stick to your guns and say, hey, listen, like, I know you. I know how you react to things. That was a reaction of someone who, like, was startled or, like, kind of felt like they got caught doing something. My gut just tells me, like, I'm not saying you were cheating. I don't, you know, like, God forbid. But, like, whatever the reason, like, there. There was a reason you reacted that way. And the fact that you can't give me an answer that makes sense bothers me. So I don't I don't know what to. To do and to say, like, you can just. I don't know, you could say. You could just tell me. I. You know, at some point. Like, that's the thing. It's just, like, you have kind of nothing on him other than this reaction, this gut feeling.
- [08:56]
Lauren
Yeah.
- [08:56]
Nick
And he's gonna bank on the fact that, like, you'll get over it, or there's nothing he can do about it. And you. Let's, let's. Let's say that, like, all he was doing was, like, looking up some hotties, searching some hotties. You know, maybe he came across, like, some only fans model and, like, looked up her Instagram or something and was worried that, like, you would look at a search history and. And see that he searched big titty. Honey, I don't know. Whatever. Let's assume that's what he did and that's what he's hiding. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah. Do you think he would admit to that?
- [09:35]
Lauren
I don't know. Like, because I would hope that he would know, like, something that really wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. Like, okay, whatever, weirdo. Like, I'd probably tease him about it. Like, I'd roast him a little bit about it. And, like, that wouldn't be a big deal to me.
- [09:49]
Nick
And does he know that? You know what I'm saying? Like, does.
- [09:52]
Lauren
I don't. So I would hope that he knows that we've been together for, like, ever. Like, we've been. We were high school sweethearts. We've been married for four years. We've been together for, like, 12. So we've been together a long time. We essentially grew up together. So I guess I would hope that he would know that. That, like, it would be weird. And I'm like, you're weird. And then, like, that would be it. But it wouldn't necessarily bother me. Um, but is it possible that he thinks that would bother me? I guess that's like, a possibility.
- [10:17]
Nick
I only ask because it's like, that would bother a lot of other women, right? Like, yeah, but all women are different, right? Like, you're just like, you know, I've known this guy forever. I don't know. Like, yeah, he likes boobs, whatever. So if you looked up a girl's boobs, I'm not gonna freak out. Other women would feel very differently. You know what I'm saying? But, like, do you think your husband. And I only ask because it's like, well, if it's not you know, if he knows you well enough and knows that that's not big of a deal, like, why would he freak out? You know? Like, is there not to. Like, I'm not trying to put dark thoughts into your mind.
- [10:48]
Lauren
Yeah.
- [10:48]
Nick
I'm just trying to figure out, like, I mean, because at the end of the day, that you don't have much to go on. Right. Like, and how has your relationship been otherwise?
- [10:56]
Lauren
I will say, since we've had our son, it's been rougher. You know, the first year of his life, I really became a mom, and that became probably almost my entire identity, being a mom. And, you know, he didn't share for a really long time how hard that was on him and that he felt like he lost his wife in the process. And I. And he kind of buried that and didn't tell me that for a really long time. So we ended up doing some counseling, like, when I found that out, and we did, like, work on some things, so I think things got better. And then he. He's had some job insecurity and some, like, stresses with family and things like that. So I feel like in the opposite, it's kind of been true this last year. Like, his mental health has been really hard. Um, and it's. It's been really hard to navigate because I also have a very tough, demanding job. So it's like demanding everyone's mental health at work and then coming home to it as well. So that's been difficult. So we've definitely had some difficulties. And I think even recently, we had an argument, and it's just. I think we're not connecting. So I think that's where like, that little bit of fear comes in. Like, I don't think he would physically do anything, but would he look for something emotional? There is a part of me that's kind of like, maybe.
- [12:04]
Nick
Yeah. I mean, so listen, I think you're just going to have to try to. If your. If your instinct, your body, your gut, whatever you want to call it, it's telling you, like, that reaction just was not my husband. And it's like that there's something. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's something as silly as him, like, you know, searching an only fans model, or maybe he was messaging a girl, you know, on Instagram. If your instincts tell you, like, there's something there, then, you know, you're gonna have to keep that conversation going with your husband so he knows you're calling in and asking my advice about this.
- [12:42]
Lauren
He does, yeah. Because I didn't want to hide it.
- [12:44]
Nick
I wanted to be like, well, how nervous was like. And. And, yeah, I mean, he seemed to have a bit of a reaction to it. Like, where he did. Is he like, does he know you're on the call now? Is he. Like, you're waiting for you?
- [12:55]
Lauren
He does, yeah.
- [12:57]
Nick
He.
- [12:57]
Lauren
I. I used the word spiraling, and he didn't love that word, but it did kind of felt like when I told him that, like, I told him, we talked about a little. And then, like, maybe 20 minutes later, he brought it up again. And then I was like, oh, like, we're talking about this again. Okay. And then he. I think it was like, one other time he brought it up again. I was like, like, does this bother you? Like, what do you not want me to. Like, I want to respect you. And he was just kind of like, He. He just said he was worried about, like, what I might say or what you might say or, like, you know, he was worried about thoughts being put into my head. And I was like, well, that's not what it's for.
- [13:32]
Nick
I mean, you're gonna. And that's the thing that. The fact that you're calling me and he knows that you're. I suppose in a way, he can, quote, unquote, use that against you and. And then say, well, you know, you didn't think that before you talked to this guy or whatever. I think. And what comes down to why you're having this call is because, again, your gut tells you, like, that reaction just wasn't normal. And people who aren't hiding things don't react that way. You know, like, yeah, it's just like, why are you going through my phone? Like, that's a normal reaction to, like, seeing someone snoop through your shit when you have nothing to hide, like, especially when you're your partner. Because, like, you guys should be in a relationship where, like, I don't know, Natalie and I, like, just, Like, I just. We know each other's passwords sometimes. I don't know, like, you know, river might be, like, holding my phone, you know, locked, because she just wants. I don't know, she's just holding it or whatever. So I'll be like, hey, I need your phone. And we'll. We'll use each other's phones for various purposes because, like, I don't know, we just have a lot going on. And I'm like, can I use your phone for a second? I'll go in and whatever. And the assumption is we're not snooping or looking. Right. But if. If we were to see the other person kind of like, peak, it would be like, why, like, why are you doing that? It was. It would be like. Or is there some like, you know, it'd be that curiosity of like, are you feeling a little insecure? My. You know, it's like, again, it would be like confusion. It would be more questioning. It wouldn't be like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, oh, my God.
- [15:01]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [15:01]
Nick
You know, like, it's like the reaction of like, you're planning a surprise birthday party, you're getting the room ready, and then someone walks in to, like, potentially spoil the surprise. And I was like, what the fuck? What do you. You know, like, again, you're. You're hiding the surprise birthday party. So, you know, I think you just have to stick to your guns. If that's how you feel, if that's a real feeling you have, and just articulate that. Just be like, you were definitely hiding something. You know, I think sometimes when people are lying to you, when you are posing that question is like, what are you lying? Can you tell me the truth? Did you do this? It tells the person that there is a chance that they, you know, it's like you want to believe them. Right? You know, and you're just asking them, you know, could you just tell me? Did you do it? Like, can you just tell me, did you say that, you know, what did you do? As opposed to being like, listen, I know you did this. I know you did something. You know, and I don't. You know, it's like. And more saying it is like, I know.
- [15:56]
Lauren
Yeah.
- [15:57]
Nick
And when you want to come around and tell me the specifics, you can tell me. But like, I. I'm confident in this. Feel like often a lot of people will cave. Okay, so. And again, you don't know the details. Yeah, I would just say. I would re. Articulate that kind of what you've already said, which is people just don't react the way you reacted if you know, and I don't know what you're hiding it. Maybe. Honestly, I'm assuming it's some. Maybe it's not even that big of a deal. Maybe you're just afraid I'll get mad. I don't know. Maybe you're. And maybe you could make a joke. I don't. I don't. You know what? You don't want to feed them too many. Like, you don't want to give them something to admit to. Like, especially if there is something greater. It's like, yeah, yeah, I was doing that. Sure. All right. And you could just say, like, I just know you were hiding something. I could feel it. And the fact that, like, it's just, like, it just doesn't make sense. So, like, I don't. I know you too well to know that, like, if. If you didn't want me going through your phone, you wouldn't have gotten angry. You would have been more confused. You would have just been like, why are you doing that? But you, like, you got triggered, you know, and you looked almost worried. You looked worried. And so what were you worried about? You know, you can keep saying, oh, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, blah, blah, blah. But, like, there has to be an a reason why you have to talk to him. Like, you're very confident in what you're saying as opposed to, like, what did you say? It's just, like, I know that reaction was you being afraid of me finding something. I don't know what that something is, but I am confident that your reaction was that because it's just. I know you too long to know that, like, that you don't act that way if you're not, you know, in trouble.
- [17:39]
Lauren
You definitely hit that. Like, I. I do think my body was telling me something. And when he threw the phone at me, like, I don't know if it was, like, just trying to call my bluff because he knew that, like, if he gave me the phone, like, I wouldn't. I don't know. And there is a part of me that kind of just wishes I'd have just did it. That. And even if I was, you know, the bad guy in that situation, at least I would have had that clarity. But, you know, nothing. I can't change it. But I also don't want.
- [18:03]
Nick
I mean, like, your initial reaction, that. That's irrelevant. Like, fine, I wouldn't worry about, like, oh, I wish I would have reacted this way. I mean, you could have gone through his phone, but whatever. But in terms of how you react, like, letting it go for a few weeks, you can bring, you know, you're married, you can bring it back up, honestly.
- [18:20]
Lauren
And I mean, ask me about this call. So it's. It's going to be. There's going to be a window of opportunity to talk about it.
- [18:27]
Nick
I mean, ultimately, I would. I would downplay the call because, honestly, I'm not really, like, we're not. I'm not offering that much advice here other than just, like, trust your gut and. And See it through and. And have confidence in what your body's telling you. Right. And I'm not trying to put words in your mouth or anything like that, but if. If your gut tells you, like, that was really a weird behavior, you just. You got to say it like, that is. I know that's not the response I would get if you didn't want me to see something. I just don't know what that something is. And you saying it's nothing, and you were just. It just. I know that's not true that much. And you say like, that much. I. I know that's not true. So I. I won't lose this feeling until you give me something else other than, like, making it seem like I did something wrong by going through your phone. And I get it. I shouldn't have gone through your phone. But, like, that reaction was like, just off. And you just have to like, yeah, you got to be very confident about saying that so that he decides to, you know, realize that, like, she's got me, you know, so to speak. You know, it's like, yeah. Type of thing where then he hopefully will admit to it, and then, you know, again, depending on, you know, fuck, you don't know what he's going to say. So it's hard to make him any promises about how you're going to react. But you could say something like, listen, whatever it is, I mean, and you can make a joke. I. I hope, like, we'll. We'll, you know, we've been through a lot. We'll. We'll hopefully get through that. You know, we'll get through this. But, like, let's just, you know, you just got to tell me. You just have to let me know, because making it seem like that was a normal reaction to me going through your phone is just not it.
- [20:08]
Lauren
Yeah. And that was like, the thing too is it's like I got in my head a little bit, like, was, you know, he also said, like, oh, I had a long day. And, like, know he has been, like, quick to temper sometimes because of, like, all the stress he's under. So then he kind of said that was like, that played a part too. And I was like, well, like, I kind of see that maybe. Like, but I think that also was me just trying to take, like, kind of the easy way out of it. And like.
- [20:30]
Nick
Yeah, but even if, like, if you had a bad day, I'd be like, why are you going through my phone? It's so annoying. Like, like, you don't, you know. Yeah, it's Just again, you were there. I wasn't. But we know what guilty people look like. You know, we know someone's startled and, like, they're afraid of, like, ugh. You know? And that's not. I'm in a bad mood. I had a long day. Like, why the fuck are you going through my phone? Like, really? Like, really?
- [20:54]
Lauren
Yeah. No, that makes sense.
- [20:56]
Nick
So that's what I do.
- [20:58]
Lauren
Yeah. And then I guess I just have to. He's very. He's someone who is very good at work with words. I will say that. Like, he's just. He's very intelligent. He's good with words. So I think sometimes, like, that's where I'll get tripped up. Cause, like, we'll go back and forth, and then eventually I feel like, well.
- [21:11]
Nick
This doesn't have to be complicated. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't matter. I don't know what, good with words or not good with words. You're just like, listen, I know you. I know that reaction I saw. It doesn't make sense. And there's nothing you can say to change my mind on that, because I know that there is something you're not telling me. You know what I'm saying? Like, blah, blah, blah. It really doesn't matter what he's saying, because you're just like, I. I'm not an idiot. Like, I. I know it in my bones that, like, that reaction was not the reaction of someone who was just annoyed that his wife was going through his phone. That was a reaction of someone who thought they got caught.
- [21:53]
Lauren
Yeah, I think. I think I did say that. I'm like, obviously a couple weeks ago. But I think at one point I was like, well, can you see that this looks bad?
- [22:01]
Nick
So that's the difference between, like, again, can you see as a question, that's you asking him, can you see? And then Mr. Good with words can be like, well, no, I mean, because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then he can come up with some sort of other example or analogy as to why you don't make sense. And he does. You're just like, listen, it doesn't make sense. I know this, right? Like, that's the language you need to use because that's what you're confident in. And you're not giving him a chance to explain himself out of this jam. You're just simply saying, you can tell me, you cannot tell me. And I don't know if it's something that's stupid as you, like, searching for a pair of boobs and you Just felt stupid, like, because, you know, you don't want me to. Like, I don't know, maybe it was like he was watching some porn and he was worried about, like, the Google history. Because, like, some of these porn names are like, have. You know, I don't know, maybe just felt a little embarrassed and silly, but. And you could say, like, I don't know, maybe it's something silly that you just felt embarrassed by. But either way, there's just something you're not telling me. Ask. It's like. And that's the thing. It's. You have to make statements, not questions.
- [23:06]
Lauren
Okay.
- [23:07]
Nick
If you want me to get over this, then you're just gonna have to tell me the thing that you're not telling me.
- [23:11]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [23:11]
Lauren
And, like, I kind of want to say, like. Like, I promise, like, no matter what it is, we're gonna work through it, but there also is a part of.
- [23:16]
Nick
Me you can't promise that. Be like, listen, you just say, we've been through so much. We've gotten through a lot. I hope you at least give me a chance for us to work through whatever it is, because I don't even know if it's silly or serious, but it's something.
- [23:30]
Lauren
Right?
- [23:31]
Nick
So that's a good point. Yeah. Because you. You're right. You do want to create some kind of safe environment to, like, tell you the truth.
- [23:38]
Lauren
Right? Because that's the thing. Like, that's what I worry about. Like, if worse. And, like, my worst case on that situation is just, like, there is something going on. He was, like, talking to somebody. My worst fear is, like, you're not gonna tell me because you think I won't ever forgive you. Because, like, I've talked.
- [23:50]
Nick
You know, we've talked about, you know, you are. Yeah. You're married with kids. So, you know, people married, kids, they get through a lot. I mean, you know.
- [23:55]
Lauren
Yeah.
- [23:56]
Nick
Worst case scenario, he's some other woman. Right. Like, obviously that would, you know, and there's an emotional. And that would be terrible. And you might want to leave that relationship. But also, like, maybe you're. You know, I don't know, maybe. Maybe you decide to, you know, reflect on the past relationship, your past couple of years, and since you've had a kid, you. You know, and again, it's not okay. I'm just saying, like, you don't know what you're. You don't even know what you're even willing to work on because you just don't know. And until you face something like that, you just don't really know what you're willing to do or not do, you know? But you can say, listen, we have a family together. My first choice is always going to be figure this out with you, you know? So I just need you to tell me because this sucks. Like, constantly knowing that you're not telling me something and not knowing if it's something, like you watched a weird porno that I would just kind of tease you about and that you just got embarrassed and that's why your reaction was that or something, you know, that's going to be harder for me to swallow and. And really hurt me. I don't know. But maybe that's the way you can convince him because you're. I'm thinking the worst, and maybe it's this, and the hope is it's like, again, something that's more embarrassing for him rather than he's actually doing something wrong. And so you're just like, I, you know, because I'm thinking of the craziest shit. So I just. You're telling again that the thing that you'd have to just repeat over and over with confidence is that, you know, there's something he's not telling you, and it's that simple.
- [25:21]
Lauren
Yeah. And I guess, like, my worst case scenario, like, if he just doubles down and, like, sticks to the story of he just didn't want to miss the reels or whatever it is on Instagram. I don't know. It's like, then what? You know, because he. He is stubborn. So if he decides that he's going to stick to that, that's what it's going to be. So, like, that's a couple.
- [25:39]
Nick
Are you going to jump? You know, could jump back in a couple, you know, because, listen, it's a good night, a good, good time to maybe jump back in. There's clearly a disconnect, right? So, you know, and maybe, I don't know, maybe you guys will be able to unpack some stuff in couples therapy that will, you know, I don't know, maybe. Maybe there's a world we're telling the truth. I don't know. But, you know, you feel how you feel. Your body's usually only always right. I don't know you, but I'm getting the sense that you don't have, like, a history of being an overly paranoid person. Have you convinced yourself of things in the past that ended up being not true? Like, do you create problems in your head?
- [26:17]
Lauren
If you ask my husband, he would say probably yes, sometimes. Do you have anything bigger than they.
- [26:22]
Nick
Are I don't mean bigger than they are. I just mean, like, there's a. No, I'm not talking about exaggerating a story. I'm talking about literally, like, when people always ask, what's the difference between, like, following your gut and being crazy? And I always say, like, following your gut or listening to your body is responding to a feeling or something that's happening. And being crazy is just like, making up scenarios in your head. Like your boyfriend, your husband's out past, you know, a little late than usual, and you just decided he was probably with another woman or something. You know, it's just like it's going nine steps further, you know, type of thing.
- [26:58]
Lauren
Yeah, I mean, I. I think that there's been, like. I won't say history of that, but I think there's been times where, like, I may think, like, the worst or something if I don't hear or like, something unexpected happens. And I'm like, wait, what? What's going on? But I also feel like I don't.
- [27:13]
Nick
I don't know.
- [27:14]
Lauren
Like, I don't know. I just. I feel like in this situation, like, he might say, like, I'm making more of it what it is. Like, in his mind, it wasn't even that, like, big of a deal, or so he says.
- [27:23]
Nick
Well, again, maybe it's not right. Again, back to this only fans analogy. I'm not telling anyone who's listening what to think or feel about this, but like, a married guy who's married, his high school sweetheart, had a kid together watching porn, or like, you know, it's not the. It's like, not the end of the world, right?
- [27:39]
Lexi
Nope.
- [27:40]
Nick
But, like, it might make your partner feel a little insecure or embarrassed, and he might feel a little silly about it. And yeah, it could definitely be something like that. And he's thinking, like, you know, his reaction was body. Was that embarrassment. And then he doesn't want to, you know, so, like, def. It definitely could be something like that. Probably is, you know, but your point is it's something. And he is trying to pretend that he was, you know, being. You know, he wanted to maintain where he was when stories were real. Like, okay, I guess. Yeah, as it sounds. It just sounds like, yeah, it. No.
- [28:18]
Lauren
And that's how I felt in that. In that moment. But then I just, Like, I could. And again, I wasn't coming. Like, you have now given me some really good advice that I can kind of go into the conversation very differently because at the time, like, well, first of all, I was heated. So like there was a lot of emotion, but I definitely was all like, I was asking questions. Like I wasn't like very confident that I knew something was up. It was just like I thought something was up.
- [28:38]
Nick
Yeah. And again, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but if that is how you feel, be confident in your feeling and, and, and, and yeah, just calmly just be like, you know, if you want me to get over this, then you're going to have to give me something other than making me feel like I'm crazy.
- [28:54]
Lauren
Okay. And I mean he did say that. He said, what can I do to like help you feel better about this? So I guess like I have said, just tell me the truth.
- [29:00]
Nick
Tell me whatever it is you're just be like, I know you're not telling me something. I just don't know if that something is like a silly thing where I'm going to roll my eyes and you just felt a little embarrassed or if it's bigger than that and you know, it's something we're going to really have to work through. I don't know. But it is something and I'm confident about that.
- [29:20]
Lauren
Okay, I think I can do that.
- [29:22]
Nick
Okay, good luck. Keep me posted.
- [29:25]
Lexi
I will.
- [29:26]
Nick
All right, bye. Bye.
- [29:27]
Lauren
Thank you so much.
- [29:28]
Nick
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- [34:17]
Lexi
Hi, Nick. I'm Lexi. I'm 33 years old and I had an affair during my marriage and I spent my entire relationship with my ex boyfriend paying for it.
- [34:28]
Nick
Okay, so now you're single.
- [34:30]
Lexi
Now I'm single. As of four days ago.
- [34:33]
Nick
As of four days ago. Okay, so just to recap, you were married, you had an affair, that marriage ended. Was your boyfriend that you dated the person you had the affair with or Is that someone else?
- [34:46]
Lexi
No, he was not. I met him about a month after my, I separated from my ex husband. I wasn't divorced yet, but the time that I had separated from my ex husband was also the same time that I had ended things with the person that I had the affair with. So when I met my boyfriend, I was no longer talking to the person that I had the affair with. But about two years into our relationship, he found out about it.
- [35:12]
Nick
About two years into your relationship with your ex boyfriend, he found out about your affair?
- [35:17]
Lexi
Yes.
- [35:18]
Nick
And why, how did he find out? And why did it take two years?
- [35:23]
Lexi
I'm going to start crying. But it, it mostly was that I just didn't want to tell him what was going on. He had gone through my phone multiple times. He had looked through my emails, he had looked through my dms, you know, seen pictures of me on this guy's page, like just a couple pictures of me, but it wasn't anything that was like we were in a relationship. It didn't give that vibe. But eventually, you know, he saw some emails in my phone and he was wondering, why are you calling him babe? What kind of relationship did you have with him? And I just thought, I can't keep living this lie anymore. I can't just keep saying that we were really close friends. So I eventually told him, I said.
- [36:08]
Nick
Are you talking about your husband here?
- [36:10]
Lexi
No, I'm talking about my, my ex boyfriend.
- [36:13]
Nick
Okay.
- [36:14]
Lexi
My husband knew about it. That wasn't the only cause of our marriage ending. My, my ex husband wanted to work on things, but I just didn't want to anymore.
- [36:25]
Nick
Gotcha.
- [36:26]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [36:26]
Nick
So what do you mean? Like, so he was, what was he. Was he going. Your ex boyfriend going through your stuff?
- [36:32]
Lexi
Yeah, he was. He would go through my phone in the middle of the night. I would be sleeping. He'd go through my phone. He looked through my emails. One time I got my wisdom teeth out, and while he was waiting at the, at the waiting room, he looked through my phone as I was like passed out and then.
- [36:47]
Nick
And were you still talking to the person you had an affair with while dating your ex boyfriend?
- [36:52]
Lexi
No, I wasn't. I tried to delete as many messages and emails as I could, but I missed some in my, my email and gotcha.
- [37:01]
Nick
So I guess back to my original question is like, I guess why didn't you, when you got into your relationship with your ex boyfriend? I mean, every time we meet someone, right, there's always like, we, there's at some point, you know, a little bit of like, tell me about your past. Right. You know, right. Rosters, whatever history. Have you ever cheated on someone, Yada, yada, yada. Did that ever come up or, like, did you avoid the question or. Or what stopped you from just saying, hey, I got. There's something I need to tell you?
- [37:31]
Lexi
Yeah, it did definitely come up, but I just didn't want to. I knew that it was something in my past that I had. I felt like I was still paying for with my ex husband and, you know, with the dissolution of our family, but I didn't feel like I needed to be honest about that because I just didn't want to keep, like, having to relive the mistake.
- [37:53]
Nick
Sure.
- [37:54]
Lexi
Through my. Through my relationship at the time. And in hindsight, I really should have because ultimately it really led to, like, the downfall of our relationship was, you know, the lying. And he wasn't sure if he could trust me by the time I finally told him, you know.
- [38:09]
Nick
Yeah. Yeah. As far as the affair, did you ever discover or do any work on yourself to identify what caused you to have the affair?
- [38:20]
Lexi
Yeah. I am currently in therapy, and at the time, during the end of my affair, I was in therapy at that time, but then I stopped for a little bit and then I went back to therapy. But I realized that I was just seeking a lot of attention at the time. I. I just had, you know, our third kid when I met this person that I had the affair with. And I felt very, I guess, invisible in a way. You know, I was home with the kids a lot and my ex husband, he was, he was busy at work and you know, when he would come home, he was still busy with other stuff that he needed to do. So I just felt very unattractive and very invisible. And throughout my relationship with my ex husband, the intimacy was really lacking. Like, I always talk about how my kids are literally miracles because the number of times that we would have sex was like twice a year. And I had kids, like three kids back to back to back, you know, so I, I just didn't feel that connection with him.
- [39:24]
Nick
Yeah. And obviously your ex husband's still in the picture since you still share children together.
- [39:29]
Lexi
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [39:31]
Nick
And how did your. Did your ex boyfriend. What was his relationship with your ex husband?
- [39:36]
Lexi
It was incredibly bad. They had. They went to court over three restraining orders. My ex husband filed through restraining orders against my ex boyfriend and they were all dismissed. The first one was that he was being aggressive towards him. When my ex husband came to pick up my daughter from my house and my Ex boyfriend went out there and he said, you know, you're not allowed to come in here. And my ex husband didn't like that when he filed a restraining order against that. That one got dropped. Then the second one happened because my ex boyfriend went up to him during a football game for my son, and he said, you know, you're not allowed to speak, to speak to Lexi in that way. You can't be rude to her. And my ex husband said, you know, I don't like how you're confronting me. And so then filed another restraining order. That one went to court, and then it got. Got dismissed because they settled. And the third time it was over something else that was extremely similar to that, but it wasn't. There was no physical blows. It was just a lot of, like, tension and words. And it's. It's literally two personalities that do not understand each other. And my ex husband's very gentle, and my ex boyfriend is very aggressive.
- [40:52]
Nick
Well, I mean, usually gentle people don't file restraining orders constantly.
- [40:59]
Lexi
Yes. So they usually don't. I don't. I don't really know. He's. My husband had spoken to me about it before.
- [41:08]
Nick
Probably rephrase the, you know, these. The way you're describing it, you know, it sounds like, in your words, these are, you know, obviously confrontations, but they're just disagreements amongst two people and they seem like, fairly petty. And they were dropped. It seems like your ex husband was using it more as a tactic to get to fight this guy in a way rather than like, protect, like, restraining order. Like, was your husband in any way thinking he was in danger?
- [41:37]
Lexi
I don't think so because he's spoken to me about it. About six months ago, he sent me a message and he said, I know now that the restraining orders that I've filed were hasty, and I shouldn't have done that. Okay, well, so I. I think he was just feeling threatened at that time. Maybe not physically, but just emotionally, you know, and his status as a dad and everything like that. It's. He. That was how he reacted in the moment.
- [42:02]
Nick
And what's your relationship with your ex husband now?
- [42:05]
Lexi
We are. We are still not good. Mostly because of. I'm sorry I'm crying so much. But we are still not good. Mostly because of my ex boyfriend and our relationship and my need to kind of protect my relationship with my ex boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that my ex husband knew that there were boundaries between, you know, you can't come over to my place if you're filing restraining orders against Somebody. You can't approach us in a parking lot if you're, if you say that this person is a danger to you. But why are you approaching us? I just needed to create that physical and like, distance. I just needed to create distance, period, between the both of us. And I've never, I've thought about kind of reconciling that difference a little bit now that my ex boyfriend is no longer in the picture, but I think it's just, it's too soon for that.
- [42:55]
Nick
You mentioned you wanted to protect your relationship with your ex boyfriend. I get in the sense that you justify lying because you tell yourself you're protecting yourself or something or relation. You know, the classic line that has always been triggering for me. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get mad. I didn't tell you because I knew you would be upset. I didn't tell you because of, you know, because, like, you know, as if there's a justification for lying. And I think, yeah, you seem very. That that is a, I don't know, a default or something I think you've become very comfortable with. Would that be accurate?
- [43:34]
Lexi
Oh, absolutely. Because I spent, you know, two years basically lying to my ex husband. And I then after that, you know.
- [43:40]
Nick
And your ex boyfriend.
- [43:41]
Lexi
That's right. And then I continued that lie on for an additional two years and eventually when it came out and I started telling the truth about things, it was too late.
- [43:51]
Nick
Yeah.
- [43:51]
Lexi
And it's not that I currently have that justification. I definitely justified it in the past and I thought, you know, I certainly deserve some empathy for the fact that I, I lied because I didn't want to get in trouble. But now I see, like, you just don't lie, period, because it's going to come out.
- [44:08]
Nick
Who did you. What do you mean? You deserved empathy and from who?
- [44:11]
Lexi
Well, I thought that I, I thought at the time when I, you know, told my ex boyfriend about the affair, he also had a little dalliance with a girl that he told me not to be worried about during like the first six months of our relationship.
- [44:23]
Nick
Okay.
- [44:23]
Lexi
They had, you know, gone out one on one. She took him out for his birthday. He didn't go out with me on his birthday. They would meet up, they would flirt at work. He would invite her over to like, watch him play games and stuff like that. And he had lied to me about it for two years. So kind of in conjunction with the time that my affair came out, I found out stuff about this girl and it took me reaching out to the girl, for her to actually send me pictures and let me know, like, this is the timeline. And then for me to look through like his Venmo transaction history and see, like that they did indeed, you know, hang out and she sent him money and things like that.
- [44:58]
Nick
You were married, you had an affair, you got divorced. Then at some point the man you had an affair with, that relationship ended. How much time between that did you meet your boyfriend?
- [45:12]
Lexi
So the time that I got divorced and the time that the affair ended was the same time. The time that I met my boyfriend was a month after that.
- [45:20]
Nick
Okay. Yeah. Are you pretty uncomfortable being alone?
- [45:24]
Lexi
Yeah, because, you know, I was married for 10 years and I, I met my ex husband when I was at college when I was 19. And you know, he's the first person that I really considered an actual relationship. And then right after that ended, you know, I got into this relationship with this new person. So, yeah, definitely very uncomfortable. I'm 33.
- [45:50]
Nick
Okay. You're still really young. Yeah, I mean, listen, like, you, you, your, your question was like, do I still, should I be still paying for my affair? Or something to that effect, Right? Like, yeah, if it feels like you're still paying for it, it's because you've never really faced it. You've never really dealt with it. That's what I'm hearing. You know, like you, you had an affair. Your husband, ex husband, found out, he wanted to work on it. You didn't. You left a relationship, A month goes by, that's no time at all. You probably weren't even divorced by the time you met your ex boyfriend. Right. Like, I'm guessing you were just separated. You weren't even fully div. Like then you're already in this new relationship. I'm guessing you didn't really do the work to really understand what caused you to do what you did. Yeah, you could sit there and tell me you felt unseen, alone, whatever. Like, clearly the relationship wasn't healthy. But again, you made the choice to have the affair as opposed to dealing with the issue in your relationship, you know, and so it's understanding why you made those choices. Like, in life, we either make healthy choices or unhealthy choices. Right? Like every choice that we make usually is one of the two. Like, even our healthy choices sometimes don't work out. But like, we often make choices that don't serve us. You know, for example, a lot of our choices around happiness, right? Is that happiness? Short term happiness? Is it long term happiness? Is it happiness that we, you know, an orgasms I guess, happiness. But like, will that, well, that orgasm last beyond five minutes past the sex? You know, that's maybe a bad analogy, but you get what I'm saying, right? So I'm getting the sense from you. You make a lot of unhealthy choices, you know, and sometimes unhealthy choices compound and snowball because it's just we're trying to mask a previous choice that didn't pan out. And so then we rush into another choice, et cetera, et cetera. You have not faced the fact that you had an affair. And if you met a new guy tomorrow, do you even know how you would handle that conversation?
- [47:47]
Lexi
I actually had somebody hit on me at Costco yesterday. And it's not like, it's not like I was interested in looking or anything, but, you know, he said, can I have your number? And I said, no, I'm vibing alone for the foreseeable future. And he said, well, then can I give you my number so that when this foreseeable future is over, you can reach out? And I just said, I'm not going to use it. I just, I just know that it's important for me to learn how to be alone but not feel lonely. And it's important for me to kind of get my own self esteem back and build up, you know, what's in, what's, what I really need to work on. Because I can't keep getting into relationships and expecting those relationships to fix me or make me feel like the way that I'm being is validated and just.
- [48:33]
Nick
Yeah, well, that's a step in the right direction. But, yeah, I mean, you have to be, you have to be able to own what you did. You know, first and foremost, you have to. It happened, you did it, it was a mistake. You know, it sound. You sound regretful. But now you, you know, the solution to that mistake isn't to lie about the mistake and pretend it didn't happen because you're afraid other people will judge you. I mean, listen, people are going to judge you. You're not the only one who's had affairs. People have affairs. Your next partner may have also participated in an affair or maybe they've also been cheated on. You can't guarantee if someone's going to accept you. I can promise you that if you meet, if your goal is to meet a person and be in a healthy relationship with a generally emotionally healthy person, their willingness to accept you won't be based off of whether you had or hadn't had an affair. It will be how you talk about your decisions and how you got to where you are today. So that if you, let's say, had an affair, people are going to want to know, are you that person who had the affair? To be honest, you're probably not too much different today than the person who had the affair with your husband.
- [49:44]
Lexi
Yeah. And I definitely see that because I didn't heal from that and then I rushed into a relationship and, you know, now I'm not only having to heal from the affair, but I'm now having to heal from this new relationship. And so it.
- [49:56]
Nick
Yeah, it's not like you. Exactly. Because it's not like you didn't know that affair was wrong when you were having the affair. And I'm guessing at times you felt guilt about the affair when you're having the affair. So it's not like, oh, I know it's wrong now, you know what I'm saying? Like. Like, yeah, whatever broken part of you caused you to make those unhealthy and toxic choices sounds like it's pretty. Still broken. Right. And so the answer to your question is like, well, I have to keep paying for my affair. Well, the answer is yes, until you really decide to really deal with this. And. And it sounds like you very much are on the right track. You know, it's like you don't have to not give out your number. But yeah, like, I think you have to be. I mean, for the time being, I think it's good that you are alone. I mean, your relationship's four days old, you know, like, and you have three children. You're clearly not alone. You know, it may not be the type of companionship I know you're looking for, but, like, honestly, like, hard, hard to be that present of a parent when you are. When you're spiraling this hard emotionally, you know?
- [50:57]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [50:57]
Nick
And, you know, I have a lot of close people in my life who have parents who never figured their own shit out in their relationships. All of those kids who are now, now adults at times feel very alienated by their parents. And I empathize with their parents because it's like their parents never found it, Right. They never found the thing that they were looking for. They've, you know, they have a handful of broken relationships after broken relationship because they never really dealt with it, Right. And the person and the parent in that scenario always, you know, kind of always feels justified because they feel like, well, I just haven't found it, you know, and then their kids get older, Right. And, boy, what happens if their Kids are in a healthy relationship, then the parent almost feels like, well, you're good. I still want to find what you found. And then. But yeah, but that child who's still in it, who's now an adult. Right. Still wants a parent to be present, to be there, to not, not feel like. You know, what you don't want is when your kids get older to feel like they're the adult and you're the, and you're the child because mom's still trying to figure out her shit.
- [52:00]
Lexi
Yeah, I kind of. At the conclusion of, you know, my relationship with my ex, my ex boyfriend, the time that the secret about the affair came out was two years into our relationship. We were together for about three and a half. And so, you know, the next three, the next year and a half was very tumultuous. It was more tumultuous than it was before. But it kind of escalated to the point where, you know, we had broken up multiple times and he had left our place multiple times and come back and things like that night. As of four days ago, I just thought like, I, I owe it to my, to my kids to at least show them what a healthy boundary is. Like if I can't show them a healthy relationship. It's healthy self love. It's being able to walk away from things that, that don't align with you anymore. That, you know, if somebody is mistreating you or speaking poorly to you and they keep doing that, then they should no longer be in your life.
- [52:57]
Nick
Yeah. Well, also, I mean, maybe now is the time to really just be them up and really be present with your kids and not wonder if you're going to find love or think about your relationship problems or think, you know, just really, you know, be a mom right now, you know, like, yeah, yeah, it would be nice to have that companionship. But like, clearly you're clearly someone who's. Your problem isn't having boyfriends or, or finding men, that's not your problem. It's. I'm guessing you've probably had boyfriends or men in your life most of your life.
- [53:29]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [53:30]
Nick
So, you know, and that's always, you know, like a lot of these examples. It's not like, yeah, it's never someone who has a hard time finding people. It's the people they find or how they handle themselves in the relationship or their propensity or willingness to lie or cover or avoid the real issues and things like that. So your boyfriend breaking up with you sounds like it was the best thing for you. It doesn't sound like that was a very healthy relationship. You know, these restraining orders that your husband issued on this guy. Yeah. Sound weird and maybe he was like frivolous, but like, I don't know, the way you, you described your ex boyfriend isn't a very aggressive person. And I'm guessing maybe they, he, he didn't help the situation either then coupled with the fact that he had his own bullshit and lies, yada, yada, yada. It took him breaking up with you to get out of this relationship, a relationship that you probably a healthier version of. You would have said, this is not the relationship for me. And I'm not trying to be hard on you here, but like, you need to think about like the fact that like you brought a man to your son's football game and caused drama.
- [54:35]
Lexi
Right?
- [54:36]
Nick
And like, yeah, that is so true. You know what I'm saying? Like, you got to stop that shit. You got to stop putting yourself and ultimately your kids in these situations. And you're just, you have to be a tougher critic on yourself, you know? And I think my guess is you've probably fallen victim to this need of attention or whatever it is, and that has been your motivation. And you have painted yourself as a victim at times in these situations because maybe you did feel lonely or you felt unseen or lost or scared or whatever. And these are all valid feelings. But you weren't looking, you weren't willing to take a look at yourself in the mirror to understand why we are having these feelings and the role you were playing in these feelings. You would just look to mask those feelings. And obviously part of that was like the affair or, and even maybe this boyfriend. Why you chose this boyfriend, you know, maybe masks certain things. So like now is like hopefully a wake up call to be alone right now. Focus on being a mom. Work on yourself, invest in yourself. Like, really just take a step back. Like start making healthier choices. And then when you do get back in the dating date very slow and like, listen to your body and like, you need to understand what it feels like when you have that need for attention and to be able to identify that and things like that. But have you had some like, past trauma as a child? You know, like, I mean, what was your relationship like with your parents? You know, like, is there some childhood stuff you need to unpack with your therapist? Because I'm guessing, you know, there usually is with people.
- [56:07]
Lexi
Yeah, I had very my parents growing up. You know, up until like I was 28 years old, I would have my mom just Yell at me and start throwing stuff in my room and with my kids nearby and things like that. So I certainly feel the void of that, that love from my parents. Our relationship now is a lot better, but I'm still very cautious because I just, every time I've trusted the relationship getting better, it just kind of slides back into things being bad.
- [56:36]
Nick
Yeah, I mean, maybe I, you know, who, who knows why it's quote unquote better now. Maybe it's better because you've made certain concessions or something. I don't know.
- [56:44]
Lexi
Yeah. But I've, I've definitely come to terms with, you know, I didn't have the healthiest childhood growing up. I had, I had a mom who. She felt that because her childhood was difficult, that mine needed to be as well. And I had a father who I, he was very stern with her sometimes, but he didn't really stand up for us when things were wrong. So I, I held a lot of resentment for him. And then when I would, you know, try to go no contact with them because they were treating me poorly, even as an adult with, you know, three children, they would still try to play the victim, like, oh, so you don't want us in your kids lives, then fine, you know, we'll leave. And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I want you in my kids lives, but only if you're going to be healthy enough in their presence.
- [57:26]
Nick
Yeah.
- [57:27]
Lexi
Yeah. So I definitely feel that I'm attention seeking.
- [57:32]
Nick
Well, I mean, it makes sense. And again, like, you're, you're starting to, you're starting to see this stuff. So it's, you're not, you're not so far gone. And then listen, like, when it comes to this stuff, like, you always got to look for the silver lining. You said you're 33. I mean, you're still really young, but, you know, obviously women have to think about their biological clock and maybe you want more children, but you have three children. So in terms of working on yourself, you have all, you know, you have time, right?
- [57:57]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [57:58]
Nick
So you can be patient with yourself, but you have a chance here to really change some really bad behaviors in the past. And you have a chance here to really change some generational trauma when it comes to your family.
- [58:09]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [58:09]
Nick
Up until now, you've done nothing but to continue these bad choices in this trauma. And that's why I think you really need to see this breakup as a blessing. And I know you're sad and you're grieving, but like, you really need to see what I'm seeing hopefully as like a. Hopefully a new start. And if you really feel like this. This affair is still hanging, the shadow hanging over you, understanding why that is is a big first step. Because again, you. You still haven't. You're still that same kind of broken person that felt the need to have an affair when her needs weren't being met. When you couldn't find happiness inside your marriage, you. You. You made a toxic choice rather than a healthy choice.
- [58:51]
Lexi
Yeah. About two months ago, when in the dissolution of my relationship with my ex boyfriend really started happening. He had broken up with me. And the next day he came back, as he typically does, and he said, I'm so sorry. I want to get back together. And I just said, no, clearly we need to work on things, and I'm happy working on things with you, but without this relationship hanging the balance. So then it kind of sort of became the situation, Jeff. And then it really, like, became something that was incredibly toxic and very. He wanted me to still. He wanted to keep going at me for the affair and still keep asking me questions and still kind of keep making me relive it. But at some point I just said, like, I. I don't want to keep doing that because I've given you all the answers, and I. Over the past year and a half, I've given you all the answers. We've talked about it as much as you can, you know, and it's just not healthy for us to keep resurrecting the problem, essentially. And I wrote in my journal, like a week ago, I said something like, I'm so grateful that he let me go because I knew that I wouldn't have done it. But him letting me go in that moment kind of start was the catalyst to really just seeing how the choices that I was making still in my relationship with him were just not the healthiest for me.
- [60:10]
Nick
What if he comes back in a week?
- [60:12]
Lexi
Well, he actually still has the keys to our apartment that we do share. So I really don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- [60:19]
Nick
But why do you. What do you mean, you don't know?
- [60:21]
Lexi
I'm kind of, like, afraid if that were to happen, because his presence over the last, like, two months just kind of kept on making me scared. And I thought I shouldn't be. I shouldn't constantly be afraid of somebody being around me.
- [60:36]
Nick
And what are you scared? Are you, like, literally scared of him? Are you scared about how you feel about him and you're willing to enforce a boundary with him?
- [60:43]
Lexi
He. He is very aggressive, so, you know, he can get extremely angry. His presence does make me afraid because I. It's very, like, loud. It actually.
- [60:54]
Nick
Do people know this? I mean, do you have. Do you. Do you have friends in her circle to.
- [60:59]
Lexi
Yeah, I do. One of my best friends. She lives, like, 20 minutes away from me, and she does know about this, and. But it's only just started kind of coming to light.
- [61:08]
Nick
Could you ask. I mean, could you just reach out to him and say, you know, like, as nice as possible? Like, I mean, he's planning on moving out. Correct. As far as you know, he's.
- [61:18]
Lexi
All his stuff is gone. He hasn't lived here for the past two months, ever since he broke up with me. So everything's gone. But he still has the key.
- [61:26]
Nick
Can you change the locks?
- [61:28]
Lexi
His name is on the lease still, so I don't know if I can change the locks, but I. I can always see if they would let me or at least have some kind of.
- [61:39]
Nick
But you've been paying the rent for the past couple months, can't you.
- [61:42]
Lexi
Yeah, I've been paying the rent. I think that they just have a process where you have to have him sign off on it as well. And I just don't know if he would. Or if he would care to.
- [61:53]
Nick
How much is left in your lease?
- [61:55]
Lexi
We just moved in here, like, two months ago, so I have, like, 11 months left on my lease. I have a long time left on my lease. Yeah. And he does have this habit of kind of coming in when I'm asleep and knocking on the bedroom door and wanting to talk to me in the middle of the night. He's woken me up multiple times in the middle of the night ever since he broke up with me two months ago and wanting to scream at me about something.
- [62:18]
Nick
Yeah, I mean, I can't.
- [62:20]
Lexi
Yeah, I've definitely looked into getting at least one of those things that you, like, buy on Amazon, then you just put it on your door and it stops. Even if the lock is open, you know, it stops the door from opening.
- [62:30]
Nick
I mean, my advice to you is look into every solution you can to try to protect yourself from him having access to come into your room and if it's. Reach out to your landlord and understand the process. My boyfriend and I signed a lease together. We're not dating. He still has a key. Without giving too much away, just be like, what does that look like? Trying to. He doesn't live with me anymore, but he is on the lease and he has a key. Can I change the locks, he's come in before. I just need to protect myself type of thing. What does that. You know, what does that look like, understanding your options? And then I'm guessing you feel like if you were to just reach out to him to say, hey, I'd like to get you off the lease, you're thinking he wouldn't want to do that so that he could still barge in whenever he wanted to.
- [63:19]
Lexi
Yeah, he would barge in probably whenever he wanted to. And also, I don't want to. I'm in this moment of, like, deep hurt. And while I'm feeling all these feelings of, you know, missing the person that I thought he was or missing the future that we had planned together that never came to fruition, I just don't want to have, like, a moment of weakness and feel like he would be able to talk to me about things because I finally was brave enough and smart enough to block him on everything, you know, so that he couldn't reach out and he couldn't get to me unless he physically comes here and tries to see me.
- [63:50]
Nick
Yeah, it's a tough situation.
- [63:52]
Lexi
I will. I will certainly look into what it takes to get him off the lease.
- [63:56]
Nick
At the very least, if nothing else, at least. Yeah, you should at least have someone come in, put some additional security or locks on your door so that he can't barge in in the middle of the night.
- [64:05]
Lexi
Yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely going to look into that and make something happen.
- [64:11]
Nick
Because at that point, if he's, like, banging into or being loud, then you can call the police or whatever, and, like, then maybe you're in a position to. You could file a restraining order, you know, like that if you needed to.
- [64:21]
Lexi
Yeah, it's really crazy because he is in law enforcement.
- [64:25]
Nick
Oh, he is.
- [64:25]
Lexi
And one time, you know, we were arguing up here, and he was yelling at me, calling me names, and our neighbor from downstairs came upstairs and knocked on the door and said, you know, if I don't see her right now, and if I don't see that she's okay right now, I'm going to. I'm going to call and say that it's domestic violence. And then he got upset with me for that. And, yeah, it was a.
- [64:50]
Nick
So he's a. He's a cop.
- [64:51]
Lexi
Yes, he is. He is. I know. Yeah. Just one of those things that kind of makes, like, you. Your stomach turn a little bit. What do you think about him being still being in law enforcement and.
- [65:05]
Nick
Well, it's just. I just hope he's, like, operating with the Assumption that he's protected.
- [65:09]
Lexi
He could, he could. I. I really don't know, but I don't see why he would think that he isn't protected. Because when the. When the neighbor downstairs came upstairs, my ex boyfriend was all like, you made me yell at you. You. You're making me so upset, like, and things like that. And I was just, you shouldn't yell.
- [65:27]
Nick
When was the last time he showed up at your place?
- [65:30]
Lexi
Four days ago, when I broke up with him. And I blocked him on everything. And I said, I'm. I never want to speak to you. I never want to talk to you ever again. You know, I'm done. Then I sent that text. I blocked him on everything. And he showed up, I was sleeping, and he knocks on my bedroom door. And I'm just like, what are you doing here? And he's just like, I just want you to know I love you. I get that you're done. And I just sat there and I didn't say a single word. And then he left.
- [65:57]
Nick
At least he knocked on your bedroom door.
- [66:00]
Lexi
At least. Yes.
- [66:04]
Nick
Well, listen, you got to deal with this ex boyfriend shit first so you can. So that you're not, like, constantly worried about him showing up. Because, like, obviously, how can you start healing when you're still, like, dealing with this toxicity? So that's priority number one is to try to figure that situation out. And then you need to heal from your whole life. You know, you really need to, like, be alone and heal and deal and deal with this affair and heal from this affair and understand why you made those choices and really take your time. And really? Yeah, I would put men and relationships on the back burner for. For a while. And I'd really focus on yourself, focus on your children, focusing on mending your relationship with your ex husband. Not, you know, for the sake of co parenting, you know, just really, just try to have a healthy relationship with him in a way that's civil. You know, just try to bring peace into your life with the people who are in your life, your parents. You know, obviously this doesn't mean, like, giving in to certain things or accepting bad behavior. You still want to have your boundaries, but you have no peace in your life. It's just all turmoil. And you are the constant here. Right? So you need to sit back and understand what's causing you to put yourself in these situations and really try to heal. And I would take all the time you need. And in the meantime, I would really immerse yourself into being a mom and being present for your Children and showing up for them constantly and having them, you know, see a mom that doesn't have drama in her life constantly. Your kids, you know, you know this, right? They're smart, they're intuitive, they need to see a healthy, new, happy mom. And I, if I were you, that would be all I cared about for the next, I don't know, several years, you know.
- [67:51]
Lexi
Yeah, you're right about that.
- [67:53]
Nick
So hopefully this was helpful. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation, but this can be a turning point in your life, you know, and I would take it very seriously. Otherwise, fast forward, you know, it's a blink of eye. You're going to be in your 50s or 60s and you don't want to be the person who has, you know, simply like three more ex boyfriends and, and then your kids are all adults and they're just like, yeah, your mom, she's just a fucking mess when it comes to men. And then, you know, and then you're still bringing men drama into your life when your kids are just looking for a mom to maybe enjoy their grandchildren or things like that. Like, you're very young, you have a long, you know, but like, figure it out now because you still have a long life ahead of you to like have a very peaceful and happy life. And this could be a turning point in your life and you can look back at a life that used to be full of turmoil, but you've really turned a corner and you, you have control over this. Like, you can do it, but you have to help hold yourself accountable and just face the reality of situation. Stop running for.
- [68:52]
Lexi
Yeah, I do. I, I definitely plan to be alone for a while. I just need to establish some peace and some self respect and work on things that I already do have rather than, you know, putting things that I do have to the wayside to try and get new things.
- [69:09]
Nick
Yeah. And you're in therapy now, you mentioned.
- [69:11]
Lexi
Yeah, I am.
- [69:12]
Nick
And do you and, and what conversations you're having with your therapist now?
- [69:16]
Lexi
We definitely do talk a lot about my ex boyfriend because when I started meeting with her, things were still evolving with him. But it's been very insightful because it's a lot of what can you do about the situation now versus, you know, let's harp on what happened in the past. It's what can you do if as a healthy Lexi versus an unhealthy Lexi, like what, the person that you see yourself in three years, what would that person want the person today to do to get there.
- [69:48]
Nick
Yeah, I, I would want for you to unpack why you make some of the choices that you make. You know, I would want you to on. I still, you know, it's not like, it's not. I don't want to relitigate the past or ruminate over past relationships, but you, you do need to understand why you make some of these choices a little bit better than I think you do now.
- [70:06]
Lexi
Yeah.
- [70:07]
Nick
Life is all about especially emotional maturity for me. You know my definition, I don't know if it's an accurate one, but life happens, situations happen. And like I said before, we feel happy, sad, triggered, whatever. We cannot control our feelings about a situation. Our feelings are very kind of an in the moment reaction. But how we react to those feelings makes a huge difference between toxic people and healthy people, mature people and emotionally immature people. And the more mature and emotionally regulated and healthy people, like, make healthy reactions to these feelings. And so it doesn't matter if they're depressed, happy, or sad, they make less reactive choices. They make choices that not only serve them well in the short run, but also serve them well in the long run and things like that, you know, because right now you're making choices and it's all, you're just, it's all about masking a problem. You, you feel pain, you, you make a choice to try to solve that pain. You're playing catch up. You're. You're just reacting to the last moment. Right. And that's how you get into these situations. But you need to be able to, like, take a step back and like, again process your feelings. You know, if it's with the therapist, I'm feeling this, I would normally react to this. I don't want to make, you know, the same type of choices and, and, and really get better at that and get better at removing yourself from drama, not seeking it out, you know, seeking out peace, you know, and. Yeah, I would. Take your time.
- [71:36]
Lexi
Yeah. All right, well, thank you so much, Nick. I appreciate you.
- [71:39]
Nick
I appreciate you as well. Sorry going through this. I would love for you to keep checking in and give us an update. But again, remember, prior number one, deal with the, deal with your. With this ex boyfriend. You know, whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe, make yourself safe. So that's not something that you have to always look over your shoulder. And then once that's done, really take the time to heal, do the work you need to do, focus on yourself, be a mom. And then over time, you can look for love.
- [72:06]
Lexi
Yeah, I'm excited to Just be me. Right now. I feel like I need to come home to myself, but thank you, Nick.
- [72:13]
Nick
All right, take care.
- [72:14]
Lexi
All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.
- [72:15]
Nick
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- [75:34]
Jessica
Hey, I am Jessica. I'm 33 and my ex says he wants his family back, but I just found out he got his hinge hookup pregnant.
- [75:43]
Nick
Okay, and when he says his family back, does that mean like you and. And.
- [75:47]
Jessica
And our daughter and your daughter? We have a five year old.
- [75:49]
Nick
Okay, and then how did you find out he got his hinge hookup pregnant?
- [75:53]
Jessica
On a Facebook dating group called Are we dating the same guy.
- [75:58]
Lauren
Oh.
- [75:58]
Nick
Oh, okay.
- [76:00]
Jessica
And it was sent by a friend as a screenshot.
- [76:04]
Nick
And when he says he wants it back, why did he lose his family in the first place?
- [76:08]
Jessica
A lot. A lot of work that needed to be done. We did therapy. I felt after a while I felt like nothing was really changing. And as a mother now it's not about me anymore. It's also about, most importantly, her and not having her in that type of environment. So I sat with it and when I was ready, I made a decision to move.
- [76:34]
Nick
Okay. And just out of curiosity, why are you even. I mean, I love that we're. I get to meet you and I get to talk to you, so don't take this the wrong way, but why are you Even calling me and asking my opinion about this, as opposed to just being like, no, it's.
- [76:52]
Jessica
I need some tough love. It's been. We were together 12 years. I probably should have left a long time ago. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
- [77:02]
Nick
But you did leave. So that's.
- [77:05]
Jessica
But I did. Yes, I did leave. And I feel like a part of me still had some slight hope that he would do things not for me, but for himself and do the work. I feel a little blindsided, hurt that he pretty much made me feel all year like he wanted us back, that he's willing to do the work that this is, you know, to please give him a chance. Making me feel like it was up to me to make the decision if I have my dream family back or not, and to feel like he. His priorities were somewhere else hurts, you know, that he didn't do the work, he didn't go to therapy. He was honest about it, and I know, I've noticed it all year. But to find out that he got somebody else pregnant and that chance of me, that little glimmer of having my family back is, like, gone. And I need some. Yeah, I do need the tough love to, like, this is a. Jen, there's.
- [78:05]
Nick
Well, I mean, listen, I don't think it's any more gone than it was before. And him getting someone else pregnant, that really doesn't change the equation. What I mean by that is just like, I mean, honestly, it's kind of a blessing, you know, because, you know, two things. What I'm hearing from you is one, listen, when it is nice to know we're missed, there's that, right? It is nice to know people regret fucking up with us. You know, the dangers of that is even though our egos love it, it's nice to hear, but it doesn't necessarily mean that we should do anything differently. And then also, like, just like the idea of just wanting your family back. I'm hearing you want your family back, but you don't necessarily want him back. And I get it. Listen, like, I mean, you know, especially when you have kids together, I, you know, trust me, I know. I can. I can only imagine. I certainly can imagine what you're feeling.
- [79:00]
Jessica
I think that's what makes it the hardest is knowing that essentially, you know, he. Even after knowing that I found out all this information, is still pleading with a chance.
- [79:12]
Nick
Well, he's pleading because you. He knows that you. You've forgiven him in the past, you know, and he knows that you still, you know, you still want this, right? But like, you have to. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know, listen, you have your daughter, right? Like, and it's not the ideal situation. You didn't expect that you and your daughter would be in the situation when you had your daughter with this man. And obviously you wanted to have the family, but you're still a really young woman, you know, and you do have your daughter, which is obviously a blessing. And you did get yourself out of a bad situation, and you need to be proud of yourself for that. And you still have time to find your family. You know, certainly it didn't. You know, it's not what you plan for yourself, but nothing goes as planned in life. You know, like the alternate. Like, for you, there's a. There's a different timeline or universe where you could be a single woman who's never been married or never had a child, never had a partner, and you could still be looking for your family. You know, maybe you would be a little nervous because you have your biological clock and you haven't had children yet and you're in your 30s and yada yada, but you could still be this kind of like, optimistic person looking for their person and just know they want to have a family, you know? But it's like almost now that you've had a daughter, which again, I'm. I'm assuming is this beautiful blessing and you love. It's almost like you feel like you've. It's. It's all been ruined in a way. Right? So you just have to stop. You have to change your perspective and that, you know, it's just like, I have my daughter, period. Great. Like, I love. I have my daughter. You know, to think anything else would, you know, to wish things would have played out differently would in some ways mean I don't have my daughter. And I wouldn't want obviously, to trade her for the world. Right? So just, I have my daughter. And this kind of got to focus on that, you know, who you had your daughter with. Yeah. Didn't pan out. Right. But you still, again, have your youth, right? And you got out of a bad situation and that relationship just did not make you happy. You know, he was constantly not making you a priority, taking you for granted, lying, doing whatever it is he was doing, and then you had to deal and clean it all up. And now you don't have to do that if. Anymore. And I get, you know, wanting to have that family back, but, like, you gotta. You gotta let go of that mindset because you never really had the Family you wanted, you know, you kind of played house, so to speak. Right. And then you, you had. You had the man and you had your daughter. And, you know, it's like, then you called it your family. But in terms of what that dynamic was and how healthy it was or wasn't, like you never really, you know what I'm saying? When you imagined your family. I don't. You know, before you had your family, I'm guessing you didn't imagine it would be the dynamic that it was. Right?
- [82:05]
Jessica
That's true. I didn't even think about it in. In this way, which is why I needed. I haven't shared with anybody. I've been sitting with it, processing it, and it's like, you know what you want to do and you just need to hear it from somebody else too.
- [82:22]
Nick
Yeah. So you just have to. You still have to be that person who's like, wants to. You have the right to want that family. That family that you say you wish you had back. You need to first accept that you never had it, so there's nothing to wish for back. And if, if, if your ex were to actually do the work and like, you know, he got some, let's say this woman, he got pregnant, moves forward and has this child. Okay, whatever. And then your daughter has a half, Half sibling. Okay, great, great. Good for your daughter. Your daughter has, you know, weird. You know, a lot of families have that. Your husband, your ex could still do the work. And like, I'm not expecting him to, and I'm not. And I don't want you to bank on this, but, like, my point is, is if. If he really did the work and he really changed as a human being and he some. And you somehow could have that proof, there's a world where you would take him back. But, like, that's based off a fantasy that it's probably not going to happen. And my point is, when I say the kid, the. This other child doesn't really matter because if you. I'm guessing if like God came down and said no, he's actually, you know. Yeah, he did. You know, he did get this woman pregnant. Like, fast forward a year. Like a year and a half goes by and God wakes you up and says, just so you know, he's going to be a great partner now I got your back. You know, God comes down and says, guardian angel. He's going to. You would, you know, you'd probably wouldn't even. You know what I'm saying? Like, right. You probably wouldn't even worry about that kid you would be like, all right, well, I guess my kid has a half sibling. But now he's, you know, so you don't want him. You want. You want a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and prioritize you the way you deserve to be prioritized. And you want a man who wants to have the same type of family dynamic that you crave. And the only thing that's different is that you have your daughter, which is a blessing versus not having a daughter. And had you not met this other guy, does that make sense?
- [84:18]
Jessica
It's true.
- [84:20]
Nick
So you just have to accept who he is. This is a man who has proven time and time again that despite his pleads and his apologies and his promises, that he never actually changes. And so you just have to accept that and just give up on that idea because you have no reason to keep hoping, you know, and the only reason he keeps trying is because you keep forgiving him, him. And once you can just let that go and just be grateful that you do. Despite all his flaws, he still gave you the best miracle you've ever had happen in your life. And just simply be grateful not for him, but for your daughter. And know that. Yeah, like, being a single mom has its challenges. Certainly even in dating, it has its challenges. But there are a lot of single moms out there that do find love again and find great companionship. But you have to get to a place where you treat yourself better and you have to expect more from yourself and have higher expectations and standards for yourself, because that's the only way you're going to attract the type of man that you're looking for, is to hold yourself to that standard, to stop accepting this type of behavior from these types of men.
- [85:31]
Jessica
I needed to hear that because it's 12 years, you know, 12 years of forgiving and always giving in. And it was time.
- [85:42]
Nick
Yeah.
- [85:43]
Jessica
And it's. It's time for me to officially close that chapter. That idea.
- [85:48]
Nick
Yeah. So I would just. This is a. I think it's a real blessing that you found this out. And I think you really need to say goodbye to him and accept this. This he is who he is. And I don't want that in my life. And my only focus with him right now is having a healthy co parenting dynamic. But I don't want this type of energy. And you need to look forward and you need to start. You know, my guess is probably you should probably be alone for a bit and start, ask. You know, again, I don't Know if. Are you in any type of therapy or anything like that?
- [86:17]
Jessica
Yes.
- [86:18]
Nick
Yes, I would. Yeah. Explore, you know, some of the choices you've made. You know, I would understand why you have a. Try to figure out why you have had a hard time letting go or just seeing him for who he is. But you do have a lot going for you, and I just want you to start focusing on what you. Because a lot of it is like, you've been in this mindset of almost kind of, you are a victim of a situation. Don't get me wrong, it's a city situation, but you've kind of led with that. Right? And so now it's like, I have this. And so once we see ourselves as victim of a situation and, like, life didn't go the way we expected, we almost then accept less of ourselves. It's like, oh, well, I mean, I'm in the. I'm in the shitty situation now, so I guess I can only. Only deserve this. It's like, you know, like. And right now you're probably thinking yourself is like, I had the family and then I had this shitty guy, and I am, you know, now I'm a single mom, so the best I can do is hope he changes.
- [87:13]
Lexi
It's true.
- [87:14]
Jessica
That's exactly it.
- [87:15]
Nick
Yeah.
- [87:15]
Jessica
All year, this entire year, that's what's.
- [87:17]
Nick
You're a beautiful woman. You still have. You still have your. Your youth like you. The best you can hope for yourself is that you find a man who. Who really loves you for who you are and loves your daughter and wants to grow a family with you. And. And if that means that you're 36 when you find them, then so be it. Because in the meantime, you focus on being a mom and really working on yourself and. And. And focusing on surrounding yourself with other healthy people and people who do respect your boundaries. And you focus on working on setting healthy boundaries with people and focusing on forcing on those boundaries and the people who don't respect those boundaries. You. You work on making sure that you distance yourself from those people very quickly and very, you know, rather than using as opportunity for your ego to be triggered and to try to change them in a way that they might not be willing to change.
- [88:08]
Jessica
It's exactly what I needed to hear. I know it. I know it. And it's so hard not to keep falling into that wishful trap of being hopeful and wishful that maybe now things will change, and then constantly hearing, you know, that they're willing to make the change that they want to do things and Then coming to terms with reality of what it's always been. The priorities just weren't where they needed to be, and it happened. And it is. The situation is what it is, and I need to focus on me.
- [88:42]
Nick
Yeah.
- [88:43]
Jessica
So, yeah, it's hard, especially with a little. A little one definitely adds to the dynamic.
- [88:50]
Nick
Yeah, but you have to change. You know, it's just. It really is about changing your perspective. Just be grateful for your daughter and just be happy she's there. It's not the situation you plan for yourself, but there's still a lot of beautiful things about this. And you still are very young, and you still have a lot of life ahead of you. So, you know, just make some healthy changes in your life and accept that this situation didn't go as planned. But there's no point in, you know, it's like. I don't know what the analogy is, but sometimes you just got to get rid of something. It's broken. And, you know, now you're just sitting in this broken mess, hoping that it's not broken. Let it go, move on, reinvent yourself. You know, take the. The good pieces from that broke. You know, it's like, take the spare parts, and your daughter's not a spare part. But there's a lot. Again, a lot of beautiful things from this. You take that and you throw the rest away. It's these changing these narratives. I want my family back again. You never had that, whatever that was. It is. The narrative is, I still hope to find that family that I want in my life right now. I have my daughter and we have our nice little family, but it's just her and I. And I. Someday I hope to grow that, and I'm going to grow that. But I need to be patient. I need to make healthy choices. I need to treat myself with love and respect. If I expect someone else to treat me with love and respect, and since I've had a hard time doing that in the past, that's going to be my primary concern for the foreseeable future. And the rest, the rest will work itself out. Because if you really focus on that and then get your. Put yourself out there and stretch your comfort zones and things like that, like, that stuff will work itself out. But right now, you need to focus on how you treat yourself. Because saying yes to him and saying yes to believing in him, it's also you not loving yourself, respecting yourself, not thinking that you deserve more. It's just, you know, it's being like, this is all I deserve. So I guess this is What I'll take. You know, you. You have to change the narrative that I. You do. You. You can still. You. You can make your dreams come true. You know, right now you have this mindset of my. My, you know, my dreams didn't happen. This is what I got. This is what I'm dealing with. No, you got to dream big. You still got a dream. Shoot for the stars. You still have to fantasize about having that fairy tale, and you can still have it. It's just not going to be the way you played out. It's slightly changed, but the outcome can ultimately be the same, which is a happy and healthy family and having a partner that you can be a teammate with and have a family together.
- [91:21]
Jessica
Thank you. I think you hit it on the nail. My family truly wasn't what I call was my family. I never saw it that way, and it's so true. Thank you. I. I needed to hear that.
- [91:36]
Nick
All right. I'm glad I could help. Well, please keep us posted. I'd love an update. I'd love to see what progress you make going forward. Hold yourself accountable. But, like, listen, that you just have to realize that you have a lot going for you, and making the same mistakes over and over again is costing you. Right. And that, you know, if. If you see the opportunity in front of you, you'll be less willing to waste it. Right? And so you have to see it as an opportunity. You have to see all the possibilities that you. You could have in your life, and you have to shoot for the stars rather than acting like your life's already over because, you know, the family that you thought you had is gone. And what's the point? And I guess I'm just a single mom now, and it, you know, like, you gotta stop perspective. You have to stop acting like that.
- [92:26]
Jessica
I will. I definitely will. And I.
- [92:29]
Nick
Instead of being like, I'm 33, it's like, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna live till I'm 90, so what am I gonna do for the next 57 years? That my math. Right. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? But like, yeah, 57. You know, someone said, you got 57 years. What are you going to do with it? I'm. If you think like that, I'm hoping that your. Your decisions would be a lot different, but. Right. You know, a lot of times we're like, well, I'm 33, and I haven't gotten where I thought I would be when I was 33, so what's the fucking point? You know something, then you tend to settle.
- [92:58]
Jessica
And I think that's, that's been it. I feel like in my mind I'm like 12 years, we've done so much, been through so much. We have a five year old and I tend to focus on that.
- [93:07]
Nick
You have a five year old and that's all you need to focus. I, I got a 5 year old from that mess and I got a beautiful five year old and I got a special five year old and I'm so glad I have that five year old. And honestly, I would do it over again a hundred times if it got me that five year old. But that's all I got from that. And it's a pretty good one. And I'm gonna say goodbye to it because like, the other parts I wanted from it just aren't possible. But I'll take the five year old because it's awesome.
- [93:30]
Jessica
Thank you, Nick. I needed, this is why I wrote it. I needed someone to give me the tough love and, and just be honest, having a different perspective based on what I'm sharing. So thank you.
- [93:43]
Nick
All right, well, I look forward to a positive update in the future.
- [93:48]
Jessica
Thank you.
- [93:48]
Nick
All right, well, take care.
- [93:49]
Lauren
Have a good day.
- [93:50]
Nick
You too. Bye. Bye. The Bathhouse is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing a budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Prices and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.
- [94:23]
Unknown
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- [95:25]
Nick
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