E935 Ask Nick - Help! My Brother Is A H*e!

Summary

Episode Summary: The Viall Files - E935 "Ask Nick - Help! My Brother Is A H*e!"

Introduction In Episode 935 of The Viall Files, titled "Ask Nick - Help! My Brother Is A H*e!", host Nick Viall addresses a heartfelt and complex relationship dilemma submitted by a listener named Ashley. The episode delves deep into family dynamics, personal accountability, and the challenges of maintaining relationships amidst betrayal and lifestyle differences.

Listener's Dilemma Ashley, a 34-year-old mother with a 17-month-old daughter, reaches out to Nick seeking advice about her brother's troubling behavior. She explains that her brother, who is five years younger and currently living overseas, has been unfaithful throughout his relationship with his wife. This revelation came to light during their IVF process, where his infidelity was discovered alongside an STD infection his wife acquired. As a result, Ashley's sister-in-law had to undergo significant emotional and medical challenges to conceive their child.

Key Discussion Points

1. Impact of Brother's Actions on the Family:

   • Ashley shares the strain her brother's actions have placed on family relationships, including the emotional toll on her sister-in-law and the subsequent pressure from external parties urging her and her husband to intervene.
   • Ashley (02:33): "I have received, and my husband has also received multiple DMs from multiple women telling us that we need to control my brother and stop him from spreading his STDs."

2. Communication Barriers:

   • The geographical separation and differing time zones exacerbate the difficulty in addressing her brother's issues directly.
   • Ashley (03:29): "I haven't had that conversation with my brother... it's difficult to communicate with him because he's sleeping when I'm awake."

3. Brother's Current Situation:

   • Her brother is serving in the military and is reportedly struggling with alcoholism, which further complicates his ability to maintain healthy relationships and responsibilities.
   • Ashley (09:30): "I also think that he's a very high-functioning alcoholic, so that's definitely a problem that hasn't been addressed."

4. Family Dynamics and Support:

   • Despite his actions, Ashley emphasizes the importance of supporting her niece and maintaining a relationship with her brother for her daughter's sake.
   • Nick (17:27): "He won't... but he's missing out on some magical moments to realize that."

Nick's Advice and Insights

1. Taking Direct Action:

   • Nick urges Ashley and her husband to confront the issue head-on, suggesting a phone call as the first step before considering traveling overseas for a more direct intervention.
   • Nick (08:15): "Maybe before you guys fly overseas, confront him with a phone call."

2. Setting Boundaries and Expressing Concerns:

   • He emphasizes the need for honest and direct conversations, encouraging Ashley to express her feelings clearly without sugarcoating.
   • Nick (11:56): "You have to start painting the picture of what you guys see... what happened to you. You're an absent father, a terrible husband."

3. Addressing Alcoholism and STDs:

   • Nick highlights the seriousness of her brother's behavior, particularly the risk posed by ongoing STD transmission and the impact of alcoholism on his life and relationships.
   • Nick (09:54): "This is dangerous behavior not only for himself but also for other people."

4. Emotional Responsibility and Future Considerations:

   • He advises Ashley to act out of love and concern, emphasizing that ignoring the problem could lead to unforgivable consequences in the future.
   • Nick (12:13): "He's missing out on some magical moments to realize that."

5. Encouraging Accountability:

   • Nick stresses the importance of holding her brother accountable while maintaining support for him, ensuring that he understands the gravity of his actions.
   • Nick (14:04): "You definitely haven't done everything you can... but you definitely have to make sure you're available."

Conclusion The episode underscores the delicate balance between supporting a troubled family member and enforcing accountability for harmful actions. Nick provides Ashley with practical steps to address her brother's behavior, emphasizing the importance of direct communication, setting boundaries, and prioritizing the well-being of her immediate family. Through compassionate yet firm advice, Nick empowers Ashley to navigate this challenging situation with clarity and intention.

Notable Quotes:

• Ashley (02:34): "He was going to the local big city, going on dates. Meanwhile, my sister-in-law is at home pregnant."
• Nick (08:15): "Maybe before you guys fly overseas, confront him with a phone call."
• Nick (11:56): "You're an absent father, you're a terrible husband. You are destroying people's lives."
• Nick (17:07): "You show that you're there for him, but you're not going to condone or support his bad behavior."

Final Thoughts Episode E935 of The Viall Files offers listeners a profound exploration of familial responsibility and the complexities of addressing wrongdoing within the family. Nick Viall's empathetic approach provides both emotional support and actionable advice, making it a valuable resource for anyone facing similar challenges in their personal lives.

Transcript

[Nick]

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[Ashley]

It's good. How are you?

[Nick]

Good. What's your name?

[Ashley]

My name is ashley and I'm 34.

[Nick]

How can I help Ashley?

[Ashley]

So my brother is a hoe.

[Nick]

Okay, well. And why is that a problem?

[Ashley]

To give a little bit of backstory, obviously. My brother and I are five years apart. He's younger, he's older.

[Nick]

He's older. Okay.

[Ashley]

Yes. We've gone through parts of our relationship where we're really close. Parts of our relationship where we're not close. Um, and he currently lives overseas. He's lived overseas for the past 5ish years.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Ashley]

To give a little bit of backstory. I found out I was pregnant in 2023. I have a 17 month old.

[Nick]

Congratulations.

[Ashley]

Thank you. Congratulations on River. She's adorable. And so my sister in law actually found out she was pregnant the month after. So we have babies that are a month apart. It's great.

[Nick]

I love your sister in law being your.

[Ashley]

My brother's wife.

[Nick]

So he's cheating on her.

[Ashley]

Yes, that came out. So they were going through the IVF process and she actually got an std. So they had to clear all that up because they were going through ivf. My sister in law had some fertility issues obviously, so she thought this was kind of like her only chance to have a kid. So she went through the IVF process. Everything had come out that he was cheating on her and then when she was pregnant, it had come out that he had been cheating on her for the entirety of their relationship. And so because he lives overseas, he's taken advantage of things that aren't legal in the United States that are legal where he lives.

[Nick]

Like what?

[Ashley]

So like, I guess like massage parlors.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Ashley]

And stuff like that. And I think he was also meeting other women on the Internet. So he was going to the local big city, going on dates. Meanwhile, my sister in law is at home pregnant.

[Nick]

At home where?

[Ashley]

So they live overseas.

[Nick]

Okay. So she at least lives with him.

[Ashley]

Yeah, she. Well, she doesn't anymore, but she does or she did that. So when all of this came out, she obviously moved back to the States, had the baby. My sister in law keeps a great relationship with my mom so they can see my niece grow up. But I have received, and my husband has also received multiple dms from multiple women telling us that we need. That I need to control my brother, that my husband needs to control his brother in law and stop him from spreading his STDs.

[Nick]

What, what are these STDs?

[Ashley]

I don't know. I haven't had that conversation with my brother. So because he lives overseas, it's difficult to communicate with him because he's sleeping when I'm awake. So I kind of just needed some advice when it comes to taking. He's gone through waves of ghosting my parents and my mom simply just wants to talk to him. Like, how is, how was your day? How was work? How's life? That's the end of that. But he doesn't always respond. So I kind of just wanted some advice on how to kind of keep. To maintain that relationship. And then also I don't really have a relationship with him right now because I don't love obviously what he did. And then I also think that it's just difficult because of the time difference.

[Nick]

Is he in contact with his. I'm assuming they're divorced now.

[Ashley]

Yes. So they are not legally only for benefits. Once she gets a job, then she'll go through with all of that. But she hasn't been able to get a job because she's taking care of their daughter and then living with her parents.

[Nick]

And she bet she does keep in contact with your brother for the sake of their daughter.

[Ashley]

Yes.

[Nick]

Your brother is kind of a loser, huh?

[Ashley]

Yeah. And this is like never. This all had just come out within the past like two years. Like if you would have said my brother would have done this, he was a little bit of a late bloomer in like the dating world. So I don't like, if you would have told me this 10, 15 years ago, I would have been like, yeah, no, he doesn't have my. My husband was like, really? Like, he has. We didn't. We weren't aware of this game that he had.

[Nick]

Well, how. I mean, have you followed up with any random messages from these women?

[Ashley]

That my husband did. And so my husband had said that he followed up with. He got a LinkedIn DM to have us to try and control my brother from spreading his STDs, which I don't know what they were. And I think he followed up, and I think it was just like, STDs.

[Nick]

Plural.

[Ashley]

I don't. Maybe one, maybe two. I never had that conversation because that's not a conversation I'd love to have with my brother. But he followed up, and I think it was just like a girl that was confused. She was just confused. She thought that my brother had loved her, that they were together.

[Nick]

How much, if at all, have you addressed your brother about his behavior?

[Ashley]

I have not. My parents have. And my parents have kind of made it seem like he knows that he did wrong, but then he just goes home and keeps doing it.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Ashley]

Because he did come to the States last summer, and we had a big conversation, and he did meet his daughter.

[Nick]

But it was just like, meet his dog. Like, he wasn't there for her birth.

[Ashley]

No, he was not. So he. He met his daughter, and I think he tried to get off, but he just couldn't. He couldn't.

[Nick]

What's he doing for work?

[Ashley]

He's in the military.

[Nick]

Okay. I mean, thank you for your service, but, like, is he, like, an active combat. What do you mean he couldn't get off?

[Ashley]

I don't know. I guess, you know, I mean, I.

[Nick]

I know the military, a different animal, but like. Yeah, I feel like they let. Let dads be there for the birth of their children usually.

[Ashley]

Yeah. I don't know why. He didn't really give me any explanation.

[Nick]

Gotcha. And how. How involved is he really when it comes to.

[Ashley]

I don't think he's very involved. My mom actually had spoken with him recently, and she said that he was possibly trying to make an Easter basket for my niece, but I don't know to what extent.

[Nick]

How direct do you think your parents are?

[Ashley]

They're not, I think. I mean, my mom feels a lot of guilt. She feels like it's kind of her fault because, I mean, my parents. Just because she raised him.

[Nick]

Fair enough. But, you know, he is an adult, but I don't think continuing to coddle this guy is the answer.

[Ashley]

No, no. And I don't think that he was coddled by my parents at all. Like, he definitely recognized his mistake. But I've had conversations with my sister in law where she. Because, I mean, they're still married. She has access to his. Their joint bank account and she can kind of see his spending. And I mean, she doesn't care, obviously now who he's like, with, but she sees the charges on his bank statements, so she can kind of track where he goes.

[Nick]

He's. And he's just jerked off by Jesus. Well, I mean, I don't know how much, you know, you said that's not the type of conversation I want to have with my brother. Well, that maybe that's the type of conversation he needs to hear. Like, he probably doesn't want to have that conversation with his sister anymore. That you want to have it with your brother. But like, you, you have the advantage of not being the one who should be embarrassed by their behavior, you know, so, I mean, yeah, if you're actually willing to do something, you know, I, you could reach out.

[Ashley]

My husband and I were thinking about going because he goes to like the nearest big city often. And my, my husband and I were thinking about traveling and kind of like, I don't want to say interventioning him, but kind of. But then, you know, logistically, like, we don't know where he stays, we don't know what he's doing. Like, you know, so it would just be hard to track him down.

[Nick]

We could start with a phone call.

[Ashley]

Yeah. I don't know if he would want my brother and I to go over there. I mean, he probably wouldn't, you know, to see us, but you know, to confront him on this sort of thing at all.

[Nick]

Yeah, I don't think he would give him the heads up. Hey, we're coming over to confront you. Um, yeah, but I'm just saying, like, maybe before you guys like fly overseas, maybe maybe you just confront him with a phone call. I don't know. I mean.

[Ashley]

Yeah, and it just goes back to. It's difficult because, I mean, he's asleep right now and there's like a very small window in the morning where I'm awake and he's asleep.

[Nick]

Well, I mean, like, you know, yeah, it might be a mild inconvenience, but even if you have to wake up in the middle of the night to make a phone call.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, it just depends on how much of a big deal this is to you. Like. Yeah, yeah, I, I maybe has this weird addiction, you know, I don't know. Like.

[Ashley]

Yeah, I also think that he's a very high functioning alcoholic, so that's definitely a problem that hasn't been addressed.

[Nick]

Yeah, I mean, and he's, you know, this is dangerous behavior. You know, if he really is going around with multiple STDs, be it like herpes, you know, chlamydia, I mean, chlamydia, gonorrhea, like, you know, those, these are curable. Um, yeah, but like, as far as.

[Ashley]

I know, it's a curable one as.

[Nick]

Far as, you know. Okay.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And hopefully he's addressed it, but like, if he's still going around, I mean, this is dangerous behavior not only for himself, but obviously for other people who, who, you know. But yeah, I think you guys, you need to start taking this seriously. I mean, you're. I mean, the only way to address it is head on, you know? Yeah, just, you can't be afraid to have the uncomfortable conversation. You can't, you know, it's definitely going to be uncomfortable, but, you know, maybe it just starts with, what do you, like, do you. What are you doing? Like, yeah, you know, like, and I.

[Ashley]

Think, I mean, there have been times where, like, I would get a dm, I would screenshot it to him and I would be like, listen, this is not like, I don't want to get involved, obviously, you know, through social media, like, you can tell that he's my brother. I post things with both of us, you know, But I pretty much said, like, hey, you need to stop this. Like, this is not. And usually his response is like, I'm not doing anything. Nothing's going on. Meanwhile, I know that that's not true.

[Nick]

Even if it's just like, be a dad. Like, yeah, I think you need to shame the out of him for how much of a loser he is, for the type of father he's decided to be so far.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Yeah. I mean, and you know, if he's a, you know, maybe he needs help getting sober. But like, I think you got to start painting the picture of what you guys see, you know, like what. What happened to you. Like, you're. You're an absent father, you were a terrible husband. You. You are destroying people's lives. I'm getting random messages from people. You're passing STDs, you, you're putting yourself at risk. And more importantly, like, you're just. You're a terrible father.

[Ashley]

You know, I feel like those, the conversations that have been had, he's kind of like, I know, I know, I know, I'll be better.

[Nick]

And then are you guys, are you guys being Direct. Or is it, or is it like, hey, you know, like, you know, you should do this. You know, are you tiptoeing around it or are you just.

[Ashley]

I don't think my parents are. Like I said, I haven't had any conversations and obviously that's probably something that I need to do. And, and if my husband and I talk to him, like, we won't tiptoe around anything. But I don't believe my parents have. I believe my parents, when they confronted him, they were very direct and they were like, clearly, you know, that this is wrong.

[Nick]

Yeah, I mean, it's terrible. Like I couldn't imagine. My biggest advice for you is like, if you really care about this, then, then do something about it. You know, obviously traveling there would be a huge step. But like right now you, you're, you know, you, you say things like, well, you know, I can't really find the time to call him. Like you could, you know, like, you know, I'm saying like you could wake up in the middle of the night if it mattered. You know, you could go out of your way to make sure you were available. Because he's not going to obviously go out of his way. You know, he's not going to make it convenient for you, so he's going to make it inconvenient for you. But like, if you want to try to help them, you gotta, you gotta go out of your way and you, you can't. You know, things like I don't want to get involved or it's not my problem. Like, you know, like for certain things I totally get it. It's just like, you know, you can't, you're not as parent but you know, you're not. You know, but like if you are seeing a loved one or someone you care about, not only put themselves in danger or put other people in danger and you're worried for their well being and the other people around them. At some point, yeah, you, you, you need to make it your business. You know, if you really want to help this person and you can't.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, and listen, at some point you might, you might try. You might call him. You might, you might even fly there and you know, he might not listen, like at least. But what you don't want to happen, you know, is something unforgivable. I mean, it's like he's already done some kind of unforgivable things, but like it could get worse, you know, and you don't want to think you didn't, you know, if it Got worse. You don't want to feel like you could have done something more.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You might not be able to do anything. I don't know. You know, it sounds like maybe your brother is really in. In bad shape. And, you know, I don't know what he's experienced as someone who's been serving in the military. I don't know what trauma he's had to endure, if any, you know, by serving in the military. You know, obviously you're not a professional therapy therapist. It's like, you can only do so much, but you definitely haven't done everything you can. Right. Like.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, and, and time zone differences really shouldn't stop you from going out of your way to doing whatever you can. And it starts with just like, having an honest conversation and just be like, hey, I mean, I never thought I'd have to reach out to my brother and like, tell him to, like, wrap it up or like, you know, make sure you're getting, you know, that's bare minimum. But like, what, you know, what are you. Yeah, what are you doing? I mean, hey, you're a single man now if you want to, you know, but like, at least be safe. But more importantly, this is about, like, be a father, you know, like, check in on your kid. Like, you are. You're responsible for a life. Like.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, like, you're gonna look back and be really ashamed.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, with yourself. And like, I don't know how to address. I don't know how to have an intervention when it comes to an alcoholic. You know, maybe Al Anon is a. I know a support group of people who have family members who are alcoholics, and they probably have some useful tips how to address that. But I just. Again, my biggest advice is do everything you can to help and, and just. You're gonna regret if you're able to look back and. And think, I kind of just. I punted. I just. I acted like it was inconvenient. I made excuses for why I didn't reach out, you know, but, you know. Yeah, because, like, definitely, like, because right now you're like, well, I can't really get a hold of him because a different time zone. It's like, you can, you know.

[Ashley]

Well, and also, like, the conversations I do try to have with him, and I try to ask him things that aren't necessarily like one word responses, but that's a lot of what I get. Like, you know, how's this going? How's that going? How's this going? And he's Just like, great.

[Nick]

Yeah. I mean, because it's probably not going great. I don't know. He's probably obviously hiding it, but asking him questions, I don't. You know, if. Again, not an expert here, but I'm guessing, you know, if he is an alcoholic, there's a lot of denial there. There's a lot of. Yeah, there's a lot of issues there. Right. So like asking him questions about how they're doing. I, I don't. It's just. You need to speak to, to him and tell him exactly how you feel, what your concerns are. Lead with love always. Like, hey, I really love you. I'm. I'm worried about you. You know, the, the. The brother I grew up with, the brother I admired, where did he go? Like, what happened? I just never thought you would be an absent father. I just never thought that you would treat your family this way. I'm shocked the way you take care of yourself. Like this is destroying lives, including your own. Like, you need help. This is not the behavior of a healthy person. This is not okay. You know, I love you. I will always be there for you, but this is not okay. This is wrong. You need to stop. You need like. You know what I'm saying? This is the shit you need to say to him. Not like, how are you doing?

[Ashley]

Yeah, no, that definitely, I mean, that helps.

[Nick]

Yeah. So, I mean, yeah, you're in a tough situation and I really empathize with you and your family because you're right. You can only do so much and you could say all those things and it might not get through to him, but like, at least you will know you. You tried.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And this like, obviously let him know you'll always be there for him, but like, you're not going to, you're not going to condone or support or look the other way when it comes to his bad behavior.

[Ashley]

Yeah, we've made that very clear.

[Nick]

So I'm sorry it sucks.

[Ashley]

Yeah, we'll figure it out.

[Nick]

Yeah, I mean, you know, every family has their issues. You know, every family has their. But be there for your niece. You know, thankfully she has good grandparents. Thankfully. Thank. Thankfully she has you. Hopefully someday she'll have her father. The good news is, you know, his kid's still very young and I. Hopefully he sees the error of his ways, but boy, he's missing out on some magical moments to realize that.

[Ashley]

Yeah, my sister in law has definitely expressed some concern with the fact that she will probably grow up without a dad, but we can definitely have that conversation.

[Nick]

Yeah, well, I'm wishing you and your family nothing but the best. But, like, yeah, just do everything in your power and don't. And make it your problem.

[Ashley]

Right. Okay.

[Nick]

Yeah. All right, well, take care. I'd love. And keep us posted. I love. I'd love an update on how things, you know, play out.

[Ashley]

Yeah, I sure will. Thank you so much.

[Nick]

All right, take care.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Nick]

Bye. Bye.

[Ashley]

Bye.

[Samantha]

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[Nick]

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[Samantha]

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[Nick]

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[Samantha]

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[Nick]

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[Rachel]

It's good. How are you?

[Nick]

Good. What's your name?

[Rachel]

Samantha.

[Nick]

Hi Samantha. How can I help?

[Rachel]

I'm 35 and my question is, should I get divorced or should me and my husband fake it till we make it?

[Nick]

What would you be faking?

[Rachel]

Would be faking happiness? Pretty much.

[Nick]

Okay. And you both acknowledge your misery?

[Rachel]

To an extent, yes. We just acknowledged recently. A couple weeks ago we had a sit down talk and we came to the conclusion that we are just not compatible. We have love for Each other. We have a family together, but our personalities are complete opposites, and we're just not as compatible as we thought we were. I'm 35 and he's 44, so there is a nine year age gap.

[Nick]

Okay. How long you guys been together?

[Rachel]

We've been together going on eight years. We've been married for five.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Rachel]

A little bit of important history as he was married before for 17 years, and he has four kids from that marriage.

[Nick]

Do you two have any children?

[Rachel]

We have one. He's four.

[Nick]

When did you start noticing or feeling this incompatibility?

[Rachel]

When I had my first child.

[Nick]

Okay, and what made you realize that?

[Rachel]

I think we went from, like, he was. He went through his divorce. He had been married, he'd been a parent for a long time, you know, and then when we started dating, it was fun and exciting and we got to go and travel. We would go to Vegas. And then we decided to have a child of our own. And that's my first child, you know, so I'm all in on being a mom for the first time. And he's already done this four times, so we're just in different phases of life, if that makes sense.

[Nick]

Sure. I mean, I don't know what it's like to have multiple children yet, but. Are you saying his, like, he doesn't. His. His excitement for being a father is, like, no longer there or something?

[Rachel]

No, no. He's an. He's an excited dad. He plays, he's there. He just has no problem with going out, you know, and having fun or doing a date night. Whereas I have more of, like, guilt with that.

[Nick]

Does he want to do a date night with you?

[Rachel]

Yes.

[Nick]

Okay. And you just don't want to?

[Rachel]

It's not that I don't want to. I just feel like I prioritize moments and being with my son more.

[Nick]

Well, that makes sense. Yeah. You know, but there is balance, you know?

[Rachel]

Right. That's what we think we have to try to find is the happy balance, but we're just kind of stuck in it.

[Nick]

Who wants who is, who. Who is, is. Are either of you leaning one direction more than the other?

[Rachel]

He leans towards. Fake it till we make it.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Rachel]

Because he is able to do that. I am not.

[Nick]

And I guess back to, like, this, the faking part, like, you know, you mentioned, like, you know. Okay, I see the difference in, like, he's. He's already been a dad before. He's got no problem saying, hey, babe, let's go on a date. The kid's going to Be fine. You're just like, like, like want to be next to my son, you know. But other than that, where. Where are some other points of incompatibility or things that make you kind of like, checked out of this marriage?

[Rachel]

He is still close friends with his ex wife.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Rachel]

They were married for 17 years and they have four kids together, and they still have this, like, friendship that I am not okay with. So that causes some.

[Nick]

What part aren't you are okay with? Because obviously they do have children together, so.

[Rachel]

Yep.

[Nick]

You know, it's interesting, like, I was talking to someone yesterday and completely, you know, different story. But I was just talking about, like, her new boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a dad recently divorced, and he's not friends with his ex wife. And I just kind of said, like. And she was looking for some advice in terms of how to integrate with this family or whatever. And she asked him concerns about just the. Her boyfriend's parenting style and his ex wife because his kid's kind of running rampant.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I just kind of talked about how, like, you know, the fact that they're divorced or, you know, they don't have to get along as exes, but, like, they still need to be a team.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

When it comes to parenting this child. And the best way to agree with that, you know, so what. What is the part other than like, yeah, what, what? Why do they cross that friendship? Yeah. Where do they cross that? Like, hey, we're. We're a team co parenting our four children.

[Rachel]

Yeah. So we've gone through all phases with this. It's been eight years of this trifecta. At first, there was no communication at all. Like, I did not exist to her. There was nothing. Then we went through a phase of we'll be cordial and just talk about kids, period. And then it became like, let's all be best friends. And that's where I'm trying to make the boundary because I feel like we should only be talking about kids things.

[Nick]

So now she wants to be. She wants to be your friend?

[Rachel]

Absolutely. Like, she wants to be me and my husband's best friends. She texts us if she has, like, a bad day. She's texting us. If she just wants someone to talk to, she comes to us. I feel like she should have someone else to lean on.

[Nick]

She's single.

[Rachel]

Yes. She has not dated anyone since their divorce.

[Nick]

No one.

[Rachel]

No one.

[Nick]

Yeah. Well, I can see why. That's right.

[Rachel]

It's a little weird. It's like she's just waiting.

[Nick]

Well, I don't know about that part. I mean, you think she's just waiting for your husband to get divorced so she can have a second chance?

[Rachel]

I think so. Because, like, her hobbies now are exactly his hobbies. She's picked up. Everything that he likes to do. She's picked up on it.

[Nick]

She could just be lonely. I mean, do you. I mean, like, do you think he would give her another shot?

[Rachel]

He says no. I've asked. I've flat out asked. He says he has zero attraction to her. It would never happen again.

[Nick]

I believe that.

[Rachel]

I do, too.

[Nick]

And like, as a man. I'm just saying. I don't know. I don't know anything about your husband. Nothing. I'm just. Usually when we're done, we're done, you know, and. Yeah, sounds like. And as harsh as this might sound to his ex wife, like the fact that he said he's not attracted to her anymore. Yeah, plow. He's playing a big role in his lack of interest in her. And usually those things don't just flip on ahead. Okay. So regardless of what she wants. And again, I'm making a huge generalization here, but I also feel fairly confident in making it. I think you've maybe gotten in your head a little bit based off of her behavior because it is generally kind of a weird dynamic. But I think you're pretty good there in terms of what he might do.

[Rachel]

I think so too. When I put like my rational cap on. Yeah, I do think that way. It's just in the moment when she's all up in our text messages all the time or coming by the house to see the kids when she shouldn't. Well, not that she shouldn't. She should always be allowed to see her kids, but like, I just feel like it oversteps sometimes.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Rachel]

And then her taking over his friends group, I mean, there's just boundaries taking over. So he had this group of friends that he hangs out with where we live, and she now hangs out with them on their Friday nights. So I cut him off from being able to go because you're not going to go hang out with your ex wife while I'm at home with the kids. Like, then I turn into like the babysitter. Like.

[Nick]

Yeah, that part's weird. Yeah. I mean, listen, I don't know her. I don't know him. So it's, It's. It's easy, you know? Like I. But I really don't think she's a threat to you. And I think she is lonely.

[Rachel]

Yeah, I think that too.

[Nick]

It would make a Lot of sense knowing nothing about your husband if, you know, like, he just. He more or less just didn't care and her presence does. Doesn't irritate him like it irritates you. And it's just like, he might. I don't know. Also, I'm sensing he left her for.

[Rachel]

Yes.

[Nick]

Okay. Yeah. So he probably has some empathy and guilt for basically upgrading, you know, and I'm sure that's what how it feels like for her. And so his reasoning for letting her in or letting her stick around or even infiltrate the friend group, I mean, it would make a lot of sense if it. It's mostly around that or because he's married to her 17 years. He just knows she's not a threat. You know what I'm saying? Like, he just.

[Rachel]

I think you're reading it very accurately because you're saying a lot of the things that he has said. It's just hard being on this side of it.

[Nick]

Sure. And. Which I totally get. And when it comes to that, all Everything else aside, because obviously there's a lot to unpack here, but when it comes to that relationship, you might just have to decide to get over it.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I. You know, it's just like one of those.

[Rachel]

Till I make it.

[Nick]

Yeah. In a way. I mean, if that is one big issue, I. I, you know, if. If that is a huge issue, then, yeah, I would hate for you to leave a situation that, you know, especially if you love your husband and you, you know, you know, you want to maintain the family unit. I mean, the. Maintain the family unit, like, as a new dad, you know, and have this unconditional love for my daughter. I mean, obviously, it's crazy for me to even speculate, you know, because I feel so blessed currently, and with what Natalie and I have going on and how we feel about our relationship and the work we put in, but, like, God forbid the unexpected happens in the future that predict. You know, it's just like. Yeah, I see the motivation parents have for wanting to stick it out for the sake of the family, but, like, I don't believe people who are truly miserable are doing anyone any favor by staying in a relationship that doesn't serve them for the sake of kids, because, you know, just kids are smart enough to pick up on that. That being said, I do think there's a lot of people out there quitting way too early in marriages because, like, a, you know, a lifetime together is just. It's not easy. You know, it's just like, it's.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

It goes through these various ph.

[Rachel]

I've told him that, too, that I think this phase of life that I'm in right now is 100% for my son. Like, I'm just living every moment with him, and it's just a phase, like.

[Nick]

But are you willing to challenge yourself? Because it's one thing to say, oh, I'm in this phase, and then kind of like, fully immerse yourself in this phase, regardless of what this phase brings. And I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong with your son. But listen, like, I think you can always. I'm a big believer that too much of anything can be a bad thing. You know, I truly believe that. I think good things are weaponized and abused all the time, you know, but, like, yeah, I think it's good for parents to leave their children and come back, you know, right now. Like, obviously, Natalie and I very have this bond with our daughter. Her bond with river is. Is deeper and more connected than mine is just. You just see the mother child. You know, it's. There's. There's. There's a literal bond there. You can almost just see it.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I get it. And, yeah, when we leave, we're lucky enough to have great help, but. And there's been a. Three or four times where we've left river with her grandparents for a night. One night. Once it was 2A. It's a hard finale. It. It's harder finale than it is for me, but I have to remind her. It's just like, river needs to learn that we can leave and come back. She needs to. It's. It's healthy to. To know that, you know, like, it's not always healthy just to always be there. It's not. It's like. So It's. It's healthy to miss people. It's healthy to, you know, like, eventually your son's gonna grow up. Right. And eventually he's gonna want some distance. And it's. It's. You're not doing anyone any favors by. By trying to. I guess it's not a. You know, to say, oh, well, yeah, he's gonna get older and. And distance himself. So I'm just. I need to get every moment in now.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I don't know if it's the best outlook on that situation. You know, I think it's all about balance, you know, I think it's good to get out for a date night.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, even if. Even if you might miss a moment with your son.

[Rachel]

But what's your perspective on it? If so I work full time and I have a second job that I work sometimes suffer. So.

[Nick]

Yeah, no, I get. Yeah, that's definitely a different wrinkle.

[Rachel]

The time that I have with him, to me, it's hard to get.

[Nick]

Is the second jobs like, you know, is that something that's just kind of necessary because you guys have to make ends meet, or is it something you're doing for another reason?

[Rachel]

It's photography. I picked it up as a hobby that I enjoyed doing, and then it's rolled into more of, like, I started making money with it, so we went with it.

[Nick]

Okay, that's awesome. You know, but, like, that's, you know, now. Now you're faced with some choices, you know.

[Ashley]

Right.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Rachel]

And I've cut back a lot. Like, I've decided this summer I'm not going to do as much.

[Nick]

Yeah, listen, if you want to make your relationship work, you have to, you know, you have to water that flower, so to speak, too. You know, if you want to make this career work, you have to. You know, it's like you're going to. You're just gonna have to decide, you know, what's more important. You know, the passion projects could always be there. You're. You're really young, you know. You know, again, obviously you're making money, so that helps. You know, once you start making money from something and you rely on it, it's like, oh, my God. So, yeah, you might have some tough choices. I mean, what are some other things that are. Lack of compatibility with your. With your husband.

[Rachel]

Just straight up personality differences. Like, we. I watched your podcast with Ali on it, and then I looked up our birth chart.

[Nick]

Sick O.

[Rachel]

And literally what him and I say about ourselves was in those birth charts. So, like, I'm cut and dry, direct to the point. I'm the caretaker. I'm not touchy feely. I'm more of an acts of service kind of person. And he's the complete opposite. So he is super sweet, loving, wants the touchy feely, wants us to hold hands all the time. Like, he would be a koala bear attached to me at all times if I let him.

[Nick]

Well, that's Natalie, and I'm you, you know, so, you know, I don't know.

[Rachel]

It's hard.

[Nick]

Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I mean, I don't. Maybe I'm not. Maybe we're not as much as extreme as you and your husband, but, like, I'm sure there are times Natalie would want to be more of a tree so she could be the Koala beer. And I'm just like, I can't, you know, But I'm always down to hold her hand. You know, I'm always like, I love touching my wife and being affectionate. You know, I don't like to be smothered. Yeah. And so we were. You know, we kind of worked through that, but, like, it's. It's generally not like, a problem. But I'm getting the sense for you, from you, that you are looking for reasons to want to leave more than you're looking for reasons to stay.

[Rachel]

I think I'm looking for someone to, like, balance it out for me almost, because I think I could find a happy meeting place in the middle for us. Whereas he wants more of a zero to a hundred. Like, he wants a huge, dramatic change to where he's getting all of his needs met to a T. Whereas I'm saying, like, we're a little bit too different. We have a little bit too much baggage at this point. Like, we need to find a.

[Nick]

Well, that was my other thing. It's just like, all right, so I hear that he. He would like to have more date nights and quality time with you, and. And you're resistant because of time with your son. Okay, so that's something that he would like you to compromise on, that you've been a little resistant to. Sounds like. Well, he wants you to compromise, too. Are either of you willing to meet in the middle? You know, like, are. Are both of you willing to, you know, if you the fake it till you make it, it's. You've addressed the fact that there's some incompatibility there. But the big question is, are you both willing to acknowledge that the other person has a right to have their needs met and that while what he wants is different than what you want, are you guys willing to compromise? Are you willing to do some things that aren't your first choice? Like, when it comes to my marriage, it's like, we have a lot of things we're really compatible with. A lot. A ton. More than ever I had with a girlfriend. There's also things that, like, we're not compatible with. I have to be willing to do things that I don't want to do sometimes. Hell, every day, you know, I have to do things I don't want to do. Sometimes as an act of service person, it is a little easier, I think, for me, because it feels like an act of service to make. Make a sacrifice or a compromise for the sake of the relationship. And then selflessly, I get a Little value from that. But, you know, that's true to a certain extent, but you both have to feel like the other person is willing to compromise. Because if one of you is willing to compromise and the other person's like, well, no, like, I just. Like, I'm not really, you know, I need all of this. And if you can't give me all of this and I. I'm never going to be satisfied. Well, the other person's like, okay, well, I'm just asking for a little, then that's not gonna work.

[Rachel]

Right. I think the times that I've tried to put in some effort and do something that he would enjoy, it's not like a hundred percent there. Like, if I put the little one down to sleep and then I get up at night and I want to go watch a movie with him, if I'm not snuggle tight close to him and I'm sitting separate on the couch a little bit to have some space, but we're having some quality time. To me, I'm doing my 50%. But to him, it's not like, you're not smothering me.

[Nick]

So it's not, I guess, like this. I'm guessing for him, it's less about, you're not smothering me than like, I just. I want to feel like you love me.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, I want to feel like you need me. We all need to feel needed.

[Rachel]

I've told him before that I don't, and that was probably a mistake. Like, I'm so independent. I'm totally fine. And I probably shouldn't have said that because it comes off very harsh, but that's my directness.

[Nick]

Yeah. Yeah. I was to say a bad choice of words. Yeah, for sure.

[Rachel]

Yeah, for sure. 100.

[Nick]

That's definitely something you probably should just keep to yourself, is like, hey, if I. If I need to be alone, I can do this.

[Rachel]

Right?

[Nick]

I'll be fine. Yeah. Because I think. Yeah, I. I think we all need to be needed. I think society accepts even maybe too much that women like to be needed. So much so that sometimes society decides that women need to be needed, which is. That's always the case because, like yourself, you know, not always the case, but men need to be needed, too. And they want to be desired and they want to be appreciated. We all want to feel like we add value to our partner's lives. I said this to someone yesterday. It's just like, there's a lot of relationships and marriages, you know, in heterosexual relationships, where husbands are just kind of treated or seen eventually, like useful idiots, you know, I could see that.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

It's like, you know, because all men, you know, it's just like leave the covers open. Do absent minded, you know, like just. I think every husband or man can just do does eventually just does a hundred things a day that you could roll your eyes at probably, you know.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And then it's as easy to be like, oh God, you're just. If you, if you make your husband feel. And I said this, everyone, like, like he's just a useful idiot. He's gonna hate you eventually. He's gonna hate you. He just, just is because no one wants to feel like a useful idiot.

[Rachel]

The reason that I've kind of created that like I don't need him in me is because he prioritizes himself and his happiness a lot. Which I think some people should at a, to a certain extent. But like, if the surf is good, he's going surfing no matter what. He makes time to go to a coffee shop and read. He makes time to go for a walk on the beach. Like, he makes his time to do his things regardless.

[Nick]

So his actions tell you that he doesn't need you as much either.

[Rachel]

Yeah, in essence. Yeah.

[Nick]

But do you feel that way or is he saying that make you feel less guilty?

[Rachel]

I feel like, I don't know, I feel like he does those things selfishly. I don't think he's a selfish man, but I think he does those things because he needs to do them regardless of what else is going on.

[Nick]

And so in your world, you would like him to maybe check in on you a little bit more?

[Rachel]

Yeah. That's what I've told him in the past is like, okay, you know, the surf is going to be good today. You know, you want to go surfing. Can you do something productive before you grab your surfboard and go take the trash out on your way out? Surfboard, trash bag, you know, go out together.

[Nick]

Do you say it like that?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Yeah. You know, the trick to calling customer service is no asking for help.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

It's not calling up and being like, I need you to do this. You know, if I, if I need, like I call up customer service, I'm like, I really need your help. I'm like, I'm in a really bad situation. I need your help. Everyone wants to feel like a hero. Everyone wants to help someone. There's not a person in this planet who doesn't get a personal like good feeling from feeling like they, they helped someone as opposed to do your job, you know, Yeah, A lot of people are just like, no, you do that job, you know, be productive. It's like such a condescending, like, you know, you're not talking to your husband. You're. You're talking to a child. You know, you're being his parent. So if it's like, it could. It would be really helpful if you could take out the trash before you go surfing. Is you're going to get a way better respons response, then can you be productive before you go? Have fun?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Like, it's this night, it's the delivery, for sure. It's night and day. It's night and day.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And if every time you asked your husband to do something, it was more like, hey, babe, could you do this for me? As opposed to you just, you know, just. You say it with a little irritation, a little frustration. It's just, it's night and day. I can't stress that enough. Especially for men. Men want to be strong and feel strong, but we are often weak. We are. You know, all the criticisms that women will say when they get together about men, a lot of are true. You know, like, we are soft, weak, emotional babies. Sure, yeah. But we can do great things when we have. We are supported, you know, so it's just like, you know, do you want to see the good in us or do you want to see the badness? It's like, it's kind of like your. Your choice, you know? And then again, you know, for you, it's like fake a team, you know, it's just like, listen, if you don't love the guy, you know, if you don't want to be in a marriage, don't be in a marriage. Right? But I am sensing from you some things that are just like general relationship problems, normal marriage issues. And while you could leave your husband and find another guy, no problem, and you def. You could find a guy who's night and day different than your husband. And if you find a guy who's night and day different, your husband, I can promise you the first six to 12 months of dating that guy, you're gonna appreciate all the differences in the best possible way. You're gonna be like, oh, my God, my husband never did that. And that's so cool. He takes the garbage and blah, blah. And you're gonna be so obsessed with all love about this new guy because your husband didn't do that, Right? But then you'll get to know the new guy, you'll settle in, and then you'll just get used to the things you like, and then all the things you don't like will. You'll. You'll start noticing slowly here and there, yada, yada. And I'm just saying, like, you're gonna have another list of things you don't like about that guy, and you're gonna have points of incompatibility you don't like about that guy, and he's gonna do things or not do things. And again, I'm not saying, you know, I know very little about your relationship, and, like, I can only give you notes by what you're telling me. And your husband needs to do his part, too. Like, you know, if. If a marriage is on the rocks, it's going to require two people to, at a minimum, feel like they equally want to save the marriage. You know, if one person's like, I want to save this marriage, the other person's like, you know, I don't know if I do. You know, it's. You should get divorced. You know, it's like, because, you know, at a minimum, you still have to both want to make this work, work.

[Rachel]

And I told him that. Adam, at the minimum, I just need to feel prioritized.

[Nick]

All right. Have you guys talked about couples therapy or you've done couples there?

[Rachel]

We've done it. It doesn't really go anywhere because it just kind of goes in the same circle every time.

[Nick]

Have you. How many couples therapists have you worked with?

[Rachel]

Two.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Rachel]

And they're both female. And I told him if we do it again, I feel like he should find maybe a male therapist to work with us, because I feel like the females just tend to side with me unintentionally. Like, I'm not trying to get them to pick a side. They should be neutral. But it often turns into. He comes out to be the bad guy, and I don't like that either.

[Nick]

Yeah, I mean. Yeah, that should never happen. I think it's easy, you know? Yeah, it shouldn't. It shouldn't be a constant theme because, I mean, you seem like a normal, rational person. You don't even like that he feels that way. And the fact you've had two therapists and you can even be like, he ends up kind of being like the bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. You know, maybe you need to. You need to try a third therapist. I don't know. And maybe it is a guy. I don't know. But, like, I feel like a good couple's therapist plays mediator. Well, where, you know, there might be a conversation where one person feels a little ganged up on. But that should even out. You should both feel like a good couples therapist makes. Makes sure that both people are feeling hurt, you know, that there's. There's always two sides to a coin, you know, because if you're both not feeling heard, then, you know, but if one person felt like they win, you both lose. You know, that's not the point of couples therapy. It's not to play referee. It's just to try to be like, all right, you have a point of view. I have a point of view. We do not get each other's point of view on our own because we're too caught up in being right or feeling heard, that we're not willing to listen to the other person who also wants to feel heard. And so a good couples therapist is just making sure they're the ones keeping score, you know, so to speak. Not in a winning, but just to make sure. It's like, all right, well, no, we heard your point, you know, like, just to call out people. Because, like, sometimes when we get triggered and we, you know, get in fights and get emotional, our childlike brains come out and we're just. And we're just fighting and arguing and bickering. And a good couple's therapist is just, you know, like, to me, that's it. But, like, yeah, your husband has to want to make you feel prioritized. And your husband, despite his guilt around his ex wife or whatever, the reason he needs to respect some of your concerns. On the flip side, I do feel like what I'm hearing about the ex wife is you've just decided it's weird, and you've decided it's not normal. And based off of that alone, you just. You don't like it, even though maybe deep down she's not really a threat. And listen, like. Like I will say this, like, you. You. You married a man who had four kids and an ex wife. You know, it's a blended family, and it's not the same. Is like, you know, me and Natalie have our own beautiful, complicated families, and we have our own beautiful, complicated relationship because everyone does. But like, yours is. Is unique in itself where, like, you know, we don't have ex husbands and wives and. And kids from other families that we have to consider, and that's just something you married into, and, you know, it. The alternative is like, it's better than toxicity, you know, like, God, I mean, I. I do feel like, despite this irritating you, if it was still the first phase where there was no communication. She hated you. She Wouldn't even say your name. It was just always tension. That would be a nightmare. So, you know, like, this is better than that.

[Rachel]

You know, I think I struggle with, like, it's better than that. Yeah. But, like, it still sucks.

[Nick]

Yeah. But I. I think it could be a lot better if you let it be better. I'm getting the sense that you've just decided it sucks because again, you're just like, I don't. I don't. I. I just don't like it. I just don't like it.

[Rachel]

I just wish she would find someone. Like, I wish she would find a companion. And I think that would make it a lot easier for everyone.

[Nick]

Have you tried to let this woman in to your life?

[Rachel]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Nick]

Can you talk to her about, like, dating?

[Rachel]

Not. I don't think we're there.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Rachel]

Like, we've gone and done things, just her and I just to have, like, some bonding time outside of the family dynamic. And it's fine. It just gets weird when it's a constant communication with her and my husband.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Rachel]

And the fact that she won't date anyone is weird.

[Nick]

She hasn't even tried.

[Rachel]

She did, like, in the beginning. She went on one date with a guy and then that was it. Like, literally, we.

[Nick]

She's.

[Rachel]

She's 44.

[Nick]

And how it, like, is she her best version of herself right now or.

[Rachel]

I think so. I mean, in the beginning, no, obviously, after going through a divorce, I think everyone is going to struggle a bit now. I think she's doing great. Mentally, physically. She works out every day. She's physically fit. Mentally fit, I think.

[Nick]

Do you know any eligible bachelors?

[Rachel]

I've thought of trying to set her.

[Nick]

Up, but only just to see how she would respond. Like, I honestly, like, it's not really about, like, really trying to play matchmaker with her. I am curious how she would respond to you trying to set her up with a guy.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And I think that might be an easier approach rather than, like, sitting her down, have her a cup of coffee and having some sort of, like, dating intervention with her and being like, why haven't you dated anyone? One almost being like, I know this really great guy who I honestly think you'd be a great match with. And, like, would you be interested and just maybe see if that opens up the conversation about her points of view on dating.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, like, I would just be curious.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

If I were you.

[Rachel]

Like, even if I'm making it up at the time.

[Nick]

Honestly. Yes. Literally. I mean, you know, hopefully you have someone who you consider up with. Because, like, you're like, oh, I didn't think you'd say yes. Just kidding. But, like, that might be an in, you know?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

But I think right now you're just kind of annoyed, so you're not even going there. You just want her to stop. So it's like, if you're gonna stay in this marriage, you just have to accept this situation and make the most of it and work with what you have rather than just stubbornly being like, this is stupid. I don't like it. It either needs to stop or I'm out. Like, you know, you definitely can do that. But, like. Like, yeah, it is kind of what you signed up for.

[Rachel]

I know, I know.

[Nick]

And again, like, I get why it's irritating, but if. If that. If. If that's your. One of your biggest frustrations of your marriage, I feel. You know, I don't.

[Rachel]

Well, I think we'll get through it. It's just my mindset with it.

[Nick]

Well, that's what I'm saying. And I'm glad you can acknowledge that. You know, the combination of knowing you don't need anyone type of thing or just being frustrated and. And, you know, I just. I feel like there's a little stubbornness from you.

[Rachel]

Yeah, Yeah, I can admit to that. And it also mixes with the not being prioritized. Like, I feel like if she said, hey, I need you to do this, and I at the. Simultaneously at the same time said, hey, I need you to do this, I personally, truly believe my husband would jump for her.

[Nick]

Have you communicated that to him?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And what does he say?

[Rachel]

He says it's not true, but I. I mean, I've felt it before. Like, if she needs something, he does it so quickly. And his reasoning is because of the kids, obviously.

[Nick]

I. I bet there's just a ton of guilt, and I probably. Probably doesn't realize it. And he, you know, you're his wife in a way, so he takes that for granted in a way where it's just like, she needs my help and I abandoned her. Yeah, because he did. He. He left his wife for his selfish needs. He upgraded to someone he was more attracted to and thought was a better fit for him, and he left her and he abandoned his wife.

[Rachel]

How does he get rid of that guilt?

[Nick]

Well, to a certain degree, he might not always. Totally. Especially. How old are his kids?

[Rachel]

The oldest is 24. The youngest is 14.

[Nick]

He might. Yeah. Listen, like, he. And I don't know. I'm. Guess he's not an individual. Therapy but, like, he's, you know, his therapies. Surfing is probably his therapy. And yeah, he does.

[Rachel]

He does meditations. He's really into philosophy. Like, he works on himself and his mind a lot.

[Nick]

That's great. But he also needs to want to work on his marriage, too.

[Rachel]

For sure. Like, that should be up there.

[Nick]

Yeah. Yeah. It really comes down to. I think you guys need to decide. I. First of all, I think that you got to change your language a little bit. It. You know.

[Rachel]

Okay. The delivery, for sure.

[Nick]

Yeah, you definitely need to. And just your. Your guys's delivery with each other. Like, fake it to your make. I mean, if there's no love there, get divorced. But if this is more like. And I say fit, because when you say fake it till you make it, it's just. It sounds like you hate each other, you know, like, you know, we've definitely.

[Rachel]

Been there at times we're just like, at each other's.

[Nick]

Well, sure, that's. But if it's more like, listen, like, I, you know, obviously, I'm very frustrated at you lately. I still love you, and I still. I want this to work and I. I really, I want to do my part. That's the part that you guys at least have to align on is the desire to make this marriage work and the willingness to do each other's parts and an acknowledgment that both of you have both kind of like, selfishly, stubbornly put your foot down waiting for the other person to go first. And until the other person goes first, you're not going to do your part. Heart, that's where you're at now. And you both, at a minimum, need to at least acknowledge that, you know, and it's just like whether it's individual couples therapy, more meditation, more surfing, and then you need to work, you know, like, you probably just need to work on your delivery. And as far as the ex wife, maybe try to let it go for a period of time. And you could say to your husband, I've decided to, like, let it go for these reasons because I just feel like she doesn't have anyone. And I. And I really, like, I think I've probably just made a little bit too big of a deal about it, and it's gone into my head and I. I really don't think I have anything to worry about with her. So I've decided to let it go. At the same time, I still really need you to please try to just be aware of the fact that I am your wife and she is your Ex wife. I get it. You're gonna want to, like, be there for your ex wife because you have kids together. But please try to be mindful that I want to feel first. You both need to ask each other, what can I do to go out of my way to make you feel validated or supported or prioritized that I'm not doing a good job today? And you maybe both just get to speak freely. And the other person doesn't respond with a I don't know. But you both say, okay, I, I'm, I'm committed to doing that. And you both have to then hold yourself accountable. You know, it's just like, again, it comes down to you're not connected right now. You're at each other's throats. There's a lot of frustration. There's a lot of resentment. But do you guys both want to make it work, work? Because at the end of the day, that's what it comes down to. It's just like, you know, this whole, like, oh, well, I pro, you know, I, I, I'm gonna love you forever, and we're gonna be together forever. I mean, I, you gotta wake up and want to make it work. It just comes down to that. You just, you have to want to make it work. You have to look at this person and go, I want to be with you, and right now you suck, but I want to be with you, you know, and like, at a minimum, a marriage needs two people who still want to figure it out and try, because there's not a single marriage out there or relationship that doesn't have points where you're just completely disconnected and at each other's throats and just very frustrated. But you need to have this, at least the desire that this is my person, and I want to go out of my way to fix this and make it work. And that has to come from both parties.

[Rachel]

Yeah, I think we, we both want those things, and then we get to the point of talking it out, and then we get halted because we say, well, if you did this, I wouldn't do this. Yeah, you know, like that tit for tat type thing.

[Nick]

Exactly. So it means, like, let's say it's like, can we, we both do that? We need to both stop that. Again, it's like that we in us language, you have to start incorporate more than the you and I language. And it's again, like, I really honestly think it would be a great exercise for you guys to sit down and be like, what's one or two things that you would love me to try to either compromise on or go out of your way where I'm not meeting your needs today that I could. No questions asked.

[Rachel]

Okay?

[Nick]

And you both say that without no excuses, no justifications, no reasonings, no. Just something you're both willing to do.

[Ashley]

Okay?

[Nick]

And that should be easy, you know, because it's just. It. You just. You have to. All you have to do is give a shit, you know, because the whole part of. The whole part of the exercise is doing something you don't want to do or doing something that doesn't come naturally or doing something that isn't just you're doing because you get some kind of satisfaction out of it. Like, you know, again, acts of service, it's just like, it's not completely a favor. You're not. You get something out of it. You know, it's like, yeah, I want to make you feel loved. I'm doing this. But like, I feel love by doing things for the people I love, you know? Now you want to feel appreciated as an act of service person when you do those things. And sometimes, you know, the problem with being an act of service person is this, like, you do those things a lot and then there's often can be overlooked and the people just kind of, you know, it's like, that's just something you do, you know, and all of a sudden you're like, wait, when did this become my job? I. I was doing it because I loved you, you know?

[Rachel]

Yeah, for sure.

[Nick]

So there's a little bit of that. That will always be a sticking point in your relationship. Like, you know what I'm saying? As long as you're in this marriage, you will always have to go out of your way to be more affectionate to him. He's always going to have to go out of his way to be more appreciative of what you do do and be willing to help on the things that you do do just because. Just, you know, because it's not your fucking job, you know, and he's always going to struggle with that. You're always going to struggle with that. But you both have to be willing to do that. You know, the big stepped up a lot.

[Rachel]

He stepped up a whole lot. Like, he's.

[Nick]

That's good.

[Rachel]

He's doing more.

[Nick]

Yeah. My big thing for you too is just like, again, like, if nothing else, and I say this to all the ladies listening, just like, even if it's manipulative, just like, make your husband feel important and loved and like, like needed. And you Know, if he does something that he's proud of, you know, it's.

[Rachel]

Like, yeah, shout it out.

[Nick]

Yeah. Just like, you know, they. You will get so much out of your guy if what you are more than anything is his cheerleader.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, if you just.

[Rachel]

Chart says he needs that.

[Nick]

Oh, well, then every. Every man needs that. And if he needs it more than anyone, then, yeah, that's something you're gonna have to work on because that. That defin. Does not come naturally to you. Yeah, it's. I can tell. It just doesn't come naturally to you.

[Rachel]

No. Yeah. I'm very, like. I don't know. Harsh. I guess.

[Nick]

I get it. Like, you. You know, I. I know that because I know me and I, There's. We have some similarities in our personality. But, like, it's important.

[Rachel]

Just play it up sometimes.

[Nick]

Yeah, it goes. It just goes a long way. It goes so far.

[Rachel]

Okay. Okay. I think I can do some things to incorporate that into our everyday.

[Nick]

You honestly probably will have to cuddle with them less if you just make them feel like a king, you know?

[Rachel]

Right.

[Nick]

Y' all. All you women want to feel like a queen and the. The seek not so big secret is men want to feel like a king too. You know, we all want to feel that. And I. Maybe one thing his ex wife has over you and in her loneliness and desperation is she might make him feel those things that you don't.

[Rachel]

Yeah, she is complete opposite. Like, her tone is soft and sweet and she's able to like, communicate and get through to him because of her tone, where my tone's like, f you. You know, like, I'm gonna talk the way I want to talk. Yeah, she's soft and I'm hard.

[Nick]

So try, you know, maybe try to soften it up a little bit, you know? Sounds like you and your husband both need to find that balance in your personalities. And the I'm just gonna be me only works so much. When Eli first started dating, I felt like, honestly comfortable in my skin for the first time. I mean, she was like the first person I dated in years, so I was like. I had a girlfriend in years, so this is new to me. But I, you know, there's a balance when you get older, of. Of understanding who you are, of not trying to be someone else so that you can say to whoever your friends or your partner is. Is like, like, listen, this is who I am. So, like, I hope that you love that because, like, I. You know, when I was 19, I was. I. I tried to please people and that never worked out. So this is who I am.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And that's important to be who you are. At the same time, you know, like, I, you know, I kind of joked with Natalie, like, I'm always going to struggle with. I'm a little absent minded. I'm. I can leave things open and I will work on it. But just a heads up, like, like, if your plan is to get me awesome at this, you just leave me now because it's just not happening, you know, doesn't mean I have to try. You know, it doesn't mean that I don't have to work on things. It doesn't mean that I still have to put the effort in. You know, it's not an excuse to just say, well, I'm. This is who I am, and you'd have to deal with it. No, it's more of a this is who I am. So I'm going to be me. And overall, I want you to accept me, but when it comes to some of my shortcomings or points of incompatibility, I'm going to do my part to bridge that gap. Gap?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know?

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Nick]

And right now it sounds like you and your husband are unwilling to do your parts to bridge the gaps.

[Rachel]

Yeah. That's where we get stuck for sure. I think we, like, want to get to the point where we're both doing our parts. It's just a struggle to get over that hurdle.

[Nick]

So sit down and be like, can we just stop being stuck? Like, let's just like, what's. What's the point of this? You know? Yeah, let's.

[Rachel]

We're both just being stubborn.

[Nick]

Yeah. If we're going to. To be together, let's. Let's. Let's try and you know what? If it doesn't. If we. If we give it our best, then fine, we'll get divorced. But right now we're not even trying our hardest to make this marriage work.

[Rachel]

Right.

[Nick]

Maybe a first step was. Would be to say, I'm really sorry for saying I don't need you. And that wasn't true because I do. You know, and that honestly, you do, you know, like, could you live without them? Sure.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

You know, do I want to? No. Is my life better with you when we're at our best? Yes. And I think you. I think you should apologize for saying that and say, I don't. I shouldn't have said it that way. It's not even what I meant. You know, he wants to feel needed by you. I can promise you that.

[Rachel]

I know that, too.

[Nick]

Okay, well, was this helpful?

[Rachel]

Very helpful, yeah. Just hearing another man's perspective and how you were able to just pick up on our personalities quickly is. Was very helpful.

[Nick]

Okay, well, keep me posted. I'd love to know how it works and maybe if you guys want to come on together. I'd love to. I'd love to chat with you both if that's something of interest to you guys.

[Rachel]

Yeah, for sure. I think he would like that because I think he needs to hear another male's perspective. Just mutually hearing both sides.

[Nick]

Yeah, well, I'd be down. I'd love to do it, so let me know.

[Rachel]

Okay, I will.

[Nick]

All right, Take care.

[Rachel]

Thank you so much.

[Nick]

All right. Bye. Bye.

[Rachel]

Bye.

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[Nick]

How's it going?

[Unknown]

Good. My name is Rachel. I'm 28. I'm wondering if the guy I'm talking to is a horrible communicator or if he's just not into me.

[Nick]

Okay. Why do you think he might just not be into you?

[Unknown]

I'd say I don't really have that much experience, like, dating. I'm a very lazy dater. So I don't know. Like, I can't tell if he just is a bad texter or if he just, like, is a bad texter with me.

[Nick]

Define bad texting.

[Unknown]

We have good conversations, but he will only respond every, like, couple of days we'll be having a conversation, and then he just won't respond. And then three days later he'll be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, I. I'm. I've just been really busy.

[Nick]

Okay. How long you been hanging out with this guy?

[Unknown]

We met on Hinge. I think it was either December or November. And we've been out a couple times. Well, not more than a couple of times. We've been see each other every, I'd say two to three weeks.

[Nick]

All right. On dates? Is he taking on dates? Is it just like.

[Unknown]

Yeah, he takes me. Like, we've been out to dinner. Have you hooked up a little bit?

[Nick]

Like, no sex. Sex?

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay. What's that? No sex or sex sex? Okay. Okay. So you hooked up. All right. And like, it sounds like this is like, pretty casual. Have you guys have any conversations about, like, whether you guys are into each other or see potential in this? Or is it just kind every once in a while you guys just like, chat about life and then he comes and goes. Cuz, you know what. What month are we in? We're in. We're in April. So you met in November? You've known this guy for five, six months now.

[Unknown]

Yeah. So when we first. Because we met on Hinge, right. So you can kind of see what someone is looking for. And like, obviously we talked about that. And he is 31, so he's. He's thinking about, like, starting a family, getting married. Like, he talks about it and. Yeah, we talked about that a lot. Like, on our first date, he was asking me questions like, what was your last relationship like? And what would you want from a future partner? So it was like a good, deep conversation. So I thought it was like, kind of going somewhere and. Yeah, I don't know.

[Nick]

And that was just like the first date.

[Unknown]

That was the first date. Yeah.

[Nick]

And since then.

[Unknown]

Since then. We just. I don't know, we just like to have fun together. I'm really comfortable with him. We talk about anything except.

[Nick]

Except how it's going.

[Unknown]

Except the good part.

[Nick]

What do you mean by you're a lazy dater? I've never heard that phrase.

[Unknown]

I'm like, queen of circling back to my ex situations. So I don't know. A lot of guys that I have talked to in the past will come around again, and I'm like, I'm not really talking to anybody, so I just will entertain it again.

[Ashley]

And.

[Unknown]

And then I don't really go out much, so I don't know how to meet people. Thus hinge. But hinge overwhelms me after a little bit. So I usually, like, make it and then delete it every couple of weeks.

[Nick]

So I think that's fairly healthy. I mean, it's easy to feel fatigued from dating apps. I don't think you're any different nowadays. We've become a society that, honestly, it's a tragedy how terrible of a communicator we are. Are, you know, communicators. We are, period. Like, men aren't approaching women anymore, you know, partly because they've been told they're either obnoxious or at best or. Or dangerous at worst, you know, and so guys don't want to, you know. Meanwhile, I think there's still a lot of women who would love to be approached by men, you know, and it's just. We just. We just stopped going out, you know, anyway, so you're not the only one. So just don't, you know, it's like you're. You're not the only one who's having a hard time meeting people in person. And I wish things would change in that department. But until then, I think dating apps are a totally fine and acceptable form of meeting people as long as we are willing to take breaks and as long as we understand that dating apps come with fatigue. And it's very easy to get discouraged because, you know, dating in general, as I always say, like, it's meant to have more misses than hits. Like in baseball, they say if you. If you get a hit three times out of ten, you're a Hall of Famer. You know, in dating, if you, you know, your goal is to only meet one, you know, and so if you, you know, one out of 200, still a hall of Famer, you know? You know what I'm saying? So, like, but it's. It's. We. We forget that, so to speak. So back to you Know your situation. Yeah, part of it. Part of the problem, it sounds like it is you, because you're just kind of, you know, like, I think a lot of people, if nothing else, you're familiar with these men. You're comfortable. So which means you're comfortable with these men. And when they hit you up and you kind of decide, well, I don't really have anything going on. I of bored enough to say yes, and I don't think that's the end of the world. We've all done that. You know, I've done that. It's like, you know what? I actually did have a pretty good time with her, and I definitely don't have anything going on right now, so why not? You know, like, why not? And so it just comes down to, like, you know, intentionality. Right? It's just like, how intentional do you want to be with your dating life, right? Like, you're only 28. You know, you're still really young. I'm not sure what your relationship goals are, especially around, like, children, is because it's easy for me to say you're young, but I don't have to deal with any biological. Biological clock or things like that. What you're doing right now is not helping you find your person, you know? Yeah, it is. It is keeping you preoccupied. And so if your goal is to, like, stay busy and not be lonely, you're doing a pretty good job. But if your goal is to date for the purposes of, you know, hey, I've. I've had some fun. I've participated in hookup culture. I've had some situationships, but, like, I'm. I'm ready to meet someone, you know, Then it requires the willingness and ability to be alone, feel lonely at times, and it's going to require you to, like, initiate conversations that are slightly uncomfortable to have, you know, And. But the key part is before that is just that willingness to be alone and feel lonely at times, because often we don't have the conversations we feel like we know we should have because we're afraid of the answer we might get. And then we're like, well, if I don't get the answer I want, then this thing might end. And honestly, I. I do like having him around. So I like, this is fine. It's fine. You know, that's kind of what we tell ourselves.

[Rachel]

That's true.

[Unknown]

I should mention, actually, that I have a child from a previous relationship.

[Nick]

Oh, okay.

[Unknown]

That's like one of the things I'm afraid of for a relationship is getting into a Like a serious relationship with someone and like, getting married, having more kids, and then breaking up and like having to do it all over again. Like, that's like my worst fear with dating right now. So that was really close to that. I was like, in a serious relationship last year and I just, like, we weren't connecting like our personality wise, but he was like, perfect in every other way. And. Yeah, I don't know. Like, I'm trying to find someone with all the qualities, but also, like, with me.

[Nick]

Yeah. Well, listen, like, dating is scary, you know? Like, it's. It is. And it sometimes feels scarier and scarier as we get older because we feel like we have less time. You know, when we're dating him or younger, we're like, you know what, it's okay, you know, I'm only 21 or something, you know, and then you have a child and then you're all of a sudden you're 28 and you're like, I got. I gotta get the next one, right? Yeah, yeah, but you just. That doesn't work that way, you know? And also how you're going about dating now is it makes it even less likely that it's gonna. You're gonna get what you want because you're, you're not being intentional about it. So it's like you're so afraid something bad could happen, you're not even trying to make something good happen. You know, it's like, if I never have it, I can't lose it.

[Unknown]

Sabotage.

[Nick]

Yeah. You know? How old's your child?

[Unknown]

He's gonna be three next week.

[Nick]

Okay. Congratulations. Yeah. I mean. And so do you want, do you. You want to have more kids?

[Unknown]

Yeah, I do.

[Nick]

Okay.

[Unknown]

I want more siblings for her and, like, want someone who wants a family. Well, obviously I want someone who wants a family, but I would like to have children with, like, my next partner.

[Nick]

And right now, like, are you like, do you introduce these people to your daughter at all?

[Unknown]

I only introduced my last boyfriend to my daughter, but we were dating for almost a year, and I, I don't really want to introduce anyone new to her until I'm like, for sure know that they're gonna stick around because, like, she still knows his name, like my ex. And it's like, it makes me sad that she, like, is looking for him sometimes. So I don't really want to put her through that in case I, like, it doesn't work out with the next one.

[Nick]

I think you're just putting yourself through things. I think she's gonna be fine.

[Rachel]

Fine.

[Nick]

I don't think she won't even remember. But I, you know, I get. I totally get why it makes you feel sad, but it. I think the truth of that statement is you don't want to put yourself through the guilt of hearing your daughter say someone else's name. But, like, she's. She's not gonna remember. You know, she'll be. She'll be fine. My daughter is going to meet people she might be people that she connects with that. It might be a babysitter that, like, we don't use anymore or something or like, you know, know. So my point is, like, you feel this extra sense of guilt and pressure and around being a mom and as every mom and parent does. But, like, your kid's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Kids are adaptable, resilient, and I think you just have to try to reframe your feelings on that and just acknowledge that she's gonna be okay. And yeah, you have some guilt around it, but, like, you have to give yourself some grace so that you can have a chance at building the life that you want for you and your daughter. And so you have to kind of put your. You have to have the right frame of mind, and then you have to be more intentional. Right. Giving your situationships and these casual men, you know, chances to stick around isn't. Is definitely not getting you what you want. It's just kind of keeping you preoccupied and. And it's also kind of keeping you sidelined. So as far as this guy, I don't. I don't. You know, usually when you have to ask yourself, is he just not that into me or something else, it's usually. He's usually not that into you at the same time. You know, it definitely can be just two people being very casual about it. Because I do think nowadays, like, I think people are just bad communicators and no one wants to take a shot. No one wants to put themselves out there. Especially when two people start having sex. I'm getting 85% of. Of what I would get out of a relationship, and I have to do. And I have no responsibilities, you know, so most people, that's why they take the 85% of a relationship, because they have this un. Like this unlimited freedom.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Nick]

He doesn't have to do anything. If I were you, I would just find out, well, do you like this guy?

[Unknown]

I like him. But, like, I mean, yes.

[Nick]

Like, there's no bad answer.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I know. I just, like, I'm trying to word.

[Nick]

It right But I didn't ask if he's a love of your life. I just asked if you like the guy.

[Ashley]

I know.

[Unknown]

I just, like, I'm very good at, like, compartmentalizing my feelings. So, like, I. I know that if. If he tells me that he likes me, I'll be like, oh, yay, then let's date. But if he doesn't, I'll completely be okay.

[Nick]

But listen, I know you will definitely be okay, right? You're gonna be okay no matter what. You know, you'll have your good days and bad days, but you're gonna be okay. You're a mom. You're capable of almost anything. You know, like, give yourself some credit. But, like, I think. I know you're gonna be fine. I think that you, deep down, are worried you won't be. You know, And I think you have a lot of fear of being hurt, and I think you got a lot of fear of. Of putting yourself out there. And I think you've convinced yourself to live this kind of casual dating lifestyle that's kind of very non committal, middle on your end to avoid the rejection or the pain or the hurt.

[Unknown]

I think I'm just kind of, like, nervous. Like, not nervous, but like, I feel like it's so hard to find another person that, like, that I'll like all these qualities about. And I'm like, I feel like I'm running out of time again.

[Nick]

Well, you are only 28. You got a lot going for you. I can tell, you know, So I think you just have to change your perspective a little bit. Yeah, I heard if he wanted to date you, you would date him.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Okay, so when I say you should find out, I think you should just tell him you like them. I mean, do you think. Do you think you could some version of. Hey, I really, like, I've enjoyed these past few months. I think we should actually, like, see if this is a thing and be exclusive and. And try and I want to do that. And are you, you know, do you. Do you think you can do that?

[Unknown]

Maybe.

[Nick]

What's the worst that could happen?

[Unknown]

He says no. No. Yeah.

[Nick]

I mean, yeah, but you're right. That is the worst that could happen. And it's not like that big of a deal. Yeah, because, like, right. You know, like, you're not like, oh, my God, this guy's my dream guy. He's Ambassador. He's like, you. You like him. You would date them. You're not obsessed. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you get rejected, your ego will be Triggered. It's going to feel more painful than it actually is for a few days, and then you'll get over it. But that's kind of it. But right now you're just sitting here wondering, just wasting a bunch of energy.

[Unknown]

Yeah, this would be like a. In person or a text.

[Nick]

Conversations are always more effective in person. You know, at the same time, I also don't think this needs to be some sort of. Of profound conversation. You know, I think maybe next time you guys get together, you can just say, I hate the what are we? Question, because that gives your. Immediately gives your power.

[Unknown]

I know.

[Rachel]

I hate that.

[Nick]

You know? Yeah, because then you're asking their permission. You know, it's like, what are we? And then they're gonna be like, well, I don't know, like, we're having fun. That's exactly, exactly what he's gonna say. And you just say, listen, I really enjoyed this so far, but you know, you know me, I don't got time to waste. I'm a busy person. You know, you got a daughter. You know, you don't have to point that daughter out. You could just. I don't. This has been fun.

[Unknown]

I don't have time for this.

[Nick]

Yeah, but like, I. I like you. I like you enough so far. And you know, we say like, so far. Be like, you know, yeah, fuck. We don't know each other that well. But what I know about you so far, I really like. And I see potential here. You know, don't say I see a future because you don't. You see potential. You know, and I think we should. I think we should try. And if he's like, I don't know any. I always say anything but a. Okay is an know. And you don't convince or plead. You don't. You don't try to. Well, you know, I think we're, you know, you're just like, okay, all right, well, I. I definitely don't want to keep doing this because, like, you're. You're fun and this is cool, but I just, I got. I got. I don't have time for. I just. I'm not looking for casual. And obviously we've been hanging out for a few months and, like, if we just keep doing this, it's doesn't make sense for me. You know, maybe it makes sense for you, but, like, it, you know, like, the more. And I wish I could just. I want stress this on every call, especially in these kind of dating situationship types of things where you're confused and you're worried about what they might say. It's just like, the more you just show without trying to prove that, like, you are going to be okay, that you have shit going on, that you're a busy person, that you don't have time for people wasting your time. Yes, you'll get more answers that you don't like, like, but you will also, like, people will find you more in demand. They will, you know, find you more attractive. They will really ask themselves if this is worth letting go. You know what I'm saying? Like, when people show you that, like, they're not willing to have you waste their time, they immediately want to be in your orbit. You know what I'm saying? Like, just, they do. It's not gonna, it doesn't make like, every man obsessed with you, but the ones who are taking you for granted but actually do like, you will take you for granted less. And a guy can like you. We all can like people that we take for granted all the time. And if they, you know, because that's just human nature when people allow, when we, you know, again, I use the, I've used this analogy. Like, if something costs 15 and you give them 20, chances are they'll take 20, you know, every time. And so that's kind of where you're at right now. You're just not, you're not asking for change. You're just like, yeah, I mean, sure, I guess I'm free. Really, you know. Is this helpful?

[Unknown]

It is. It's just a. Yeah. I need to boost my own confidence.

[Nick]

About what? What are you afraid of?

[Unknown]

You're right. That it's not about him, it's about me. And I have to set my own, like, boundaries in terms of what I want and make sure I'm telling people what I want instead of just going with what they want and just, yeah, listen, things happen.

[Nick]

Not every guy is going to be into you. Not every guy, not every person, but a lot. I, I, I get the sense that you pretty much can have your, you have plenty of options. So, you know, you're going to be fine. You just, you, you know, you just have to work through it. But the more you tell yourself, you should be able to tell yourself that you have enough going for you, that you deserve to be picky and be patient and you can have high demands and high expectations of people. Because I don't, I'm not getting the sense from you that you're like these people where I need to be like, whoa, I think you need to maybe look in the mirror and just Ask what you're willing to do for them. You have a lot to be confident about, and I think you should start acting that way.

[Rachel]

Thanks.

[Nick]

Yeah, you got to kind of give your, Like, I don't have, I don't have time for men. Nothing men like more than just realizing a woman doesn't have time for what?

[Unknown]

Headline. A hinge headline.

[Nick]

I don't have time for you. Honestly, it would probably, it'd probably be a banger with men. You know, try saying, do you ever say no to these random invites?

[Unknown]

I mean, if they're, if I don't like the way they look.

[Nick]

No, I'm saying, do you ever say no to men that you do like?

[Unknown]

No, not usually. I, I, I'm really bad at saying no, honestly.

[Nick]

Or just, yeah, be busy or just not right now. Just pretend to be busy.

[Unknown]

I could try that.

[Nick]

Yeah. Like, if a guy calls you the day of, never go out with a man that day, ever.

[Unknown]

Okay.

[Nick]

Ever. Like, if you get a call, like three in the afternoon, like, what are you doing tonight? He's bored.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Nick]

Something reminded him of you coupled with the fact that he probably, like, is feeling lonely, or maybe he just got rejected in some other aspect of his life. He needs a pick me up. You popped into his head and he's like, what are you doing tonight? Any guy who asks you out day of, you're just unavailable. Like, oh, yeah, I got plans tonight, but you know, I'd love to get together some other time. At a minimum, a guy should be willing to make a plan with you. And if he's not willing to make a plan with you, he doesn't like you. You enough or you haven't challenged him to make the plan.

[Rachel]

Right?

[Nick]

We don't like to do more work than we have to do. I'd incorporate that little one into your just never saying yes to that. Yeah, just be like, yeah, just be busy. Maybe some other time. But as far as this guy goes, I think you just need to practice saying exactly what you want from this guy.

[Unknown]

We have plans tomorrow.

[Nick]

You do? Perfect.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Nick]

Awesome. Go out, have fun. And at the end of that day, I wouldn't sleep with him. Okay, so have fun on the date and just be like, yeah, I was. No matter what he says, I wouldn't sleep with him even if he says yes. Well, unless he's like, yeah, I, I was thinking the same thing. Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend then. Sure, have, have a ball. But anything short of that, I would just. And again, don't be sad. Don't Be mad and don't try to convince him if you don't get the answer you want. And that is a yes, I'll think about it. It. I'm not sure. I don't know. Let's. Like, that's. That's. That's all. Those are all nos.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Nick]

And just say, hey, listen. Okay, well, if you're not sure, then. Then I am, and that's totally okay. But I just. I just don't got time, you know? And it's very chill. It's very matter of fact. It's very, like, unbothered. Very. Just, like, cool. All right, yeah, no problem. Because that will rattle if. If he cares at all, that'll rattle his cage. If you don't get the answer you will want. And you often don't at first when you do something like this and he doesn't freak out in less than a week, he's not your guy. If he's not afraid to lose you after you have shown him that you are unbothered by moving on. Don't take his calls. Don't let him casually check in. Don't let him do the root. Don't let him get back in the routine. Just like it's. You've been hanging out for four months. You've. You've been basically acting like boyfriend and girlfriend when you get together. But he has no responsibility. He doesn't have to do anything to keep you around. So make him do that. All right? And if it doesn't work out with this guy, no more accepting dates. Day of. All right. All right. Well, good luck.

[Unknown]

Thank you.

[Nick]

Keep me posted.

[Unknown]

Hopefully I actually go through with it.

[Nick]

Oh, what's the alternative?

[Unknown]

There's no alternative. I'm gonna do it.

[Nick]

I mean, there is an alternative. You could waste more of your time. And if you're worried about running out of time, you know, if that. Let that be your motivator, you know? Yeah. You're still really young, but, like, you're right. You're. You're not getting any younger. No one is. And if you don't fix this shortcoming you have, you're. You're gonna have to take action with your life, and you're gonna have to get some guts and. And want to make some changes. And if you do, good things will happen. And if you don't, nothing will happen. That this will just keep happening, you know, and it can happen for a very long time. A very long time. Time. There will. There's an unlimited amount of people willing to waste your time. You have to stop allowing that to happen. And more importantly, you got to get better at, you know, first you have to stop wasting your time, so you get better at not allowing others to. Because again, it's a. It's an unlimited amount of people. Always be someone willing to waste your time. Right. Godspeed. Good luck. I'm rooting for you. I would love an update. We're, you know, we'll check in on you.

[Unknown]

Okay.

[Nick]

Hold you accountable.

[Unknown]

All right, hold myself accountable.

[Nick]

Yes, you do. Yeah. You can do it. You can do it. Do it for you, do it for your daughter. Whatever you need to motivate yourself. Like, you just. You have too much going for yourself to waste your time. You just do. There's millions of men out there that would love to make you their queen. You probably don't want most of them, but I'm just saying, you know, don't waste your time. Just find the ones that you want. The one, the. The. Your guy out there, the one that. You know. Because we all want. Moment where we feel like we all want. We all want to feel like a little proud of ourselves for landing the person we got. You know, we all want to feel like not. Not like they're out of our league, but it's almost like we want to feel a sense of. We don't want to feel like we settled. So the per. Your guy that you're going to be into will absolutely waste your time if you let them.

[Unknown]

True.

[Nick]

Because the person you want also fancies themselves and also, you know, likes to. To. You know what I'm saying? Like, so he. He's your guy is not out there sitting on his ass just feeling sorry for himself, desperate to meet you. You won't because you don't like him. You know what I'm saying?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Nick]

So you have to get good at. At not wasting your time so that the man that you want to be with won't waste yours. I like it.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Nick]

All right. Okay. Good luck. Luck. I'm rooting for you. All right, take care. Bye. Bye. The Val House is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing a budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bill. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Prices and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

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