The Viall Files – Episode 984

"Ask Nick – My Husband Likes Cam Girls More Than Me"

Date: August 18, 2025
Host: Nick Viall
Co-hosts and Contributors: Natalie Joy, “The Household”
Main Theme: Relationship, religious, and friendship dilemmas – from a deeply Orthodox Jewish dating struggle, to friendship boundaries in pregnancy, to a marriage rocked by porn use.

Overview

This episode of “Ask Nick” features three callers, each presenting a unique and emotionally charged relationship dilemma:

• A 26-year-old ultra-Orthodox Jewish woman (“Ella”) wrestling with faith, personal agency, and matchmaking burnout.
• A pregnant woman (“Hattie”) navigating guilt, friendships, and boundaries when her due date collides with her best friend’s wedding.
• A married woman (“Cassie”) feeling lonely and rejected as her husband turns increasingly to porn instead of intimacy with her.

Nick Viall offers his signature blend of empathy, practical wisdom, humor, and challenge, urging each caller to define their own boundaries and confront unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Segment 1: Orthodox Jewish Matchmaking & Identity (Ella, 26)

Timestamps: 01:37 – 61:13

Caller Situation

Ella, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish woman, expresses anxiety about still being single at 26 in a community where most women her age are already married. She discusses:

• Only dating through a matchmaking system.
• Never having touched a man due to strict religious rules.
• The struggle to find someone who matches both her level of faith and her desire for emotional connection.
• A recent heartbreak over a man who wasn’t as strict about religious observance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Community Pressure and Personal Values

  • Ella feels tension between loyalty to her faith and her desire to feel a genuine emotional and intellectual connection with a partner.
  • There’s open discussion about systemic and cultural expectations within ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities.

• Religious Compatibility vs. Emotional Connection

  • The man she recently dated went through the motions of Orthodoxy but wanted to push boundaries (listened to secular music, dressed less traditionally).
  • Nick highlights the dilemma: many Orthodox men who are truly devout can be emotionally restricted (“like a caged tiger”), while men open to the wider world may not share her core values.

• Parental Influence, Personal Compass

  • Nick, drawing on his own devout Catholic upbringing, urges Ella to determine:
    “What is a perfect, forgetting about what anyone wants of you, your parents, God himself, or your friends?... If God said, ‘What I want is for you to decide,’ what would that look like?” ([13:30])
  • Ella admits she’s still struggling to define what she truly wants, outside of external expectations.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Nick: “You seem to be struggling... your default is always ‘What am I supposed to do? What would someone who loves God do?’... as opposed to ‘What do I want to do?’” ([17:13])
• Ella admits: “For sure, I have a massive super ego where I’m, like, constantly buzzing in my head—was I right? Was I wrong?... It’s a little bit heavy on that end.” ([21:05])
• Nick on the theme of personal choices in faith:
  “Even the most devout and God-fearing Jewish people… have their things that maybe they technically shouldn’t do, but it’s not hurting anyone… even the most religious people have their vices. Everyone has a wandering mind.” ([57:15])
• Ella: “I kind of want that balance, actually. Nick, you really remind me of my father a little bit… he has that contained presence…” ([32:10])

Advice & Conclusions

• Nick encourages Ella to focus on defining her own “north star”:
  “You’ve got to find your balance too… I’m not convinced you know exactly what you want for yourself.” ([57:04])
• Compromise in Religious Relationships:
  “You need a north star—for you, it’s religion… and you’re meeting men who maybe don’t want that. Most of the men do, but I feel like I like the guys that are a little bit more open.” ([42:31])
  • He affirms that compromise is normal, but non-negotiables are key; Ella should hold out for someone honest about where he stands, who can share her values but also acknowledge some uncertainty.
• Affirmation:
  “You sound like a normal person… you have some of the same standards and desires… coupled with this very religious background.” ([54:40])
  “[You are] an attractive person… even if you went on the apps, I don’t think a lot of men would be like, ‘Who’s this weird religious freak?’” ([55:17])

Segment 2: Pregnant & Guilty — Friendship and Boundaries (Hattie, 29)

Timestamps: 64:21 – 94:59

Caller Situation

Hattie is due to give birth the day after her best friend’s wedding, which she was meant to be a bridesmaid in. She is anxious about disappointing her friend, navigating her daughter’s (age 2) involvement as a flower girl, and fielding judgment from a third friend (the maid of honor).

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• Handling Guilt and Boundaries

  • Hattie’s anxiety is exacerbated by a friend who “essentially told me I should have waited four weeks before getting pregnant” ([68:50]).
  • Nick is immediately blunt: “That is an insane thing for her to say and she’s just a hundred percent wrong.” ([69:02])

• Prioritizing Family over Social Expectations

  • Nick emphasizes, “It’s your family… no one else really matters… this is a decision I made for my family and I don’t need outside voices.” ([73:29])
  • Hattie is encouraged not to “empower” the friend’s misplaced anger:
    “Your response empowers her to feel the way she’s doing… her feelings aren’t valid in that moment. They were not valid. They were irrelevant…” ([86:53])

• Standing Up for Yourself in Friendships

  • Hattie admits: “I just take the brunt end of her feelings… I just do what I can to, like, keep the peace.” ([89:35])
  • Nick urges her to "not be invested in the outcome" and to prioritize her family’s needs above all:
    “Your only priority right now is you and your husband and this baby you’re cooking, and your daughter…” ([91:49])

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Nick, on outside opinion: “If that outside voice is my mom or my best friend or my father-in-law, fuck ‘em because they’re wrong, you know… especially now that you’re pregnant.” ([73:33])
• Hattie voices a common internalized pressure: “I have to start believing that because, like I said, the way that she talked to me and the way she made me feel… but I guess I choose my own feelings.” ([92:20])
• Nick’s bottom line: “You are right. There’s no alternative. You are not going to family plan around anyone… and this baby’s not a mistake.” ([92:29])

Advice & Conclusions

• On confronting unsupportive friends:
  “Give her the opportunity to see her mistake. If she doesn’t want to, that is her problem.” ([93:10])
• On outgrowing certain friendships:
  “There's a really good chance you’ve just never stood up for yourself. And when you finally do, she’ll be like, ‘You’re right, I'm sorry.’ …If not, maybe this friendship is starting to run its course.” ([89:35])
• On managing stress:
  “Don’t stress about stupid shit like this. It’s all stupid… as long as your daughter and your husband are healthy and you can pay your bills, it’s all stupid.” ([94:39])

Segment 3: Porn vs. Partnership – The Intimacy Disconnect (Cassie, 32)

Timestamps: 99:34 – 122:47

Caller Situation

Cassie, 32, calls in, frustrated that her husband is "more interested in porn than in me." She reports:

• Pattern of “sneaking off” to watch porn and masturbate, sometimes every other day.
• A sense that he's lying about it and choosing pornography over working on their sex life.
• The situation has led to frequent arguments, disrespect, and even verbal cruelty (“calling me a bitch… marrying me was a mistake”).
• They’re also struggling through infertility.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

• The Difference Between Healthy and Problematic Porn Use

  • Nick: “Most guys do [watch porn] on some level… [but] how much is it taking over and affecting other aspects of your life? It’s affecting his marriage.” ([103:06])

• Communication Patterns and Excuses

  • Cassie has confronted her husband, but “he’s not seeing it as a we problem… his solution is getting you to not complain about it.” ([106:12])
  • Each “fix” is temporary—nothing changes for long.

• Disrespect, Argument Patterns, and Verbal Abuse

  • Cassie tearfully shares, “he’s said to me… ‘thank God we don’t have kids together’… ‘marrying me was a mistake.’”
  • Nick is blunt: “That’s crazy things to say… What are you supposed to do next?” ([109:15])

• Can They Repair This Marriage?

  • Nick insists that Cassie frame this as a relationship crisis:
    “You need to find common ground… Even if both of you are just kind of miserable in this marriage… if you don’t want to get divorced, then do you want to keep living this way?” ([112:22])
  • The couple tried therapy but the husband refused to continue.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On solutions: “You got to keep talking to him… make it more about a we problem.” ([118:34])
• On excuses: “He’s not low testosterone, being tired… that has to do with giving a shit.” ([117:16])
• On accountability: “If you can’t get him to at least say, ‘I'm not making my wife feel good,’... then I don’t know where there is to go.” ([116:20])
• Cassie recognizes her own “enabling” of cycles but is unsure when to draw the line:
  “Every time it’s the same thing—‘I'm going to work on it, I’ll stop saying it’ …At what point do you say enough is enough?” ([111:12])

Advice & Conclusions

• On ending the cycle:
  “If you realize they're just unwilling to do anything different… [then] maybe there’s not that much of a future here.” ([114:54])
• On emotional labor:
  “You are trying to find solutions to this problem that you two are having… his solution is that he promises to change if you shut up. And he doesn’t change.” ([119:20])
• On a path forward:
  “He needs to be willing to fight with you, not that the fight is just you, by yourself.” ([122:23])

Show Highlights & Core Takeaways

• Defining One’s Own Values is a major theme—each caller is challenged to decide what’s non-negotiable, what’s simply outside voices, and whether they are living for themselves or the expectations of others.
• Healthy Boundaries and Communication emerge as vital, whether in friendships, family, or marriage: it’s never wrong to advocate for your own needs.
• Nick’s Tone: Direct, supportive, never judgmental—willing both to challenge and affirm the callers. Humor, empathy, and real talk are present throughout.
• Notable Moment:
  Nick’s repeated assurance, often with a smile in his voice:
  “You are right.” (To both Ella and Hattie)
  “There is no alternative.”
• Memorable quotes as episode takeaways:
  • “You’ve got to find your balance.” ([57:04])
  • “Don’t stress about stupid shit like this. It’s all stupid.” ([94:39])
  • “If you realize they're just unwilling to do anything different… [then] maybe there’s not that much of a future here.” ([114:54])

Timestamps – Key Segments

• [01:37 – 61:13] Orthodox Jewish Dating Crisis (Ella)
• [64:21 – 94:59] Pregnancy and Friendship Fallout (Hattie)
• [99:34 – 122:47] Porn, Intimacy & Marital Discord (Cassie)

Final Word

Whether dealing with faith, family, friends, or sex, this episode’s core advice radiates:
Define your own north star—then defend it.
You are not wrong for wanting what you want, and you have permission to guard your own peace.