← The Watch Floor with Sarah Adams
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Focus features in Blumhouse Obsession.
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When I have a crush on a
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guy no one knows, be careful. I wish Nikki loved me more than
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anyone in the entire world.
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Who you wish for? Obsession is 96% fresh on rotten tomatoes. I love you so, so, so, so much. It's blood soaked nightmare fuel.
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What kind of spills you put on her?
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You have been warned. Obsession. Rated R under 17, animated without parent only theaters May 15 with special engagements in Dolby.
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Welcome to the wash floor. I'm Sarah Adams. There's a version of parenting today that no other generation has had to deal with. Your child isn't just growing up in their home or in their school district or in their community. They're growing up in this global environment where strangers can literally reach out and instantly touch them from the outside. And the concerning part is it can be done in a targeted and systematic way. Foreign. There are networks online. Some are loosely organized. Summer a lot more structured. And they're actively out there constantly looking for vulnerable children. Not by chance, not by design. They watch for behavior, they track patterns, they test kids responses. And when they find the right opening, they move in. And they do this so quietly and so quickly. So today's episode is about understanding how all of this actually works so we can shut it down before it ever becomes a problem in the lives of those we love. You may hear references and names like 764 or other kind of extremists or underground groups who target children. Don't get stuck on the name. That's the first mistake people make. I mean, think about it. If I'm gonna prevent a terrorist attack and I only focus on stopping Al Qaeda from attacking, well then ISIS is just going to attack. So you want to stop the threat. You don't need to focus on the name of the actor, if that makes sense. So we're talking about what the threat is today and then how we stop it. Okay? So very simple. So it doesn't have to be 7, 6, 4, just any of These groups online targeting our kids. So obviously this isn't just one group, it's an entire ecosystem. So these individuals even constantly shift from different networks to different platforms to different groups. They operate anonymously, they move between. It could be chat rooms, social media, gaming sites. They rebrand when they get exposed for what they're doing and then they share tactics and learn from each other. Right. So it's very incestuous to begin with. So think of this less like a traditional organization and more like kind of the swarm of bees that comes in. You know, if one part disappears, just another one pops up somewhere else. So they're not connected really in any way by kind of like an ideology. It's behavior. They're looking for access, influence and control. Now this isn't like when someone goes into a bar and hits on 10 women, hoping one says yes. They're not randomly messaging thousands of kids and hoping something sticks. So I wanna be very, very clear about this. They're filtering, they're targeting. And it's like fishing without a net. They're literally using a spear. There's a lot of work that goes into this. So what they're looking for is like a kid who's posting late at night constantly comments from this individual who are showing like loneliness or frustration with some sort of situation, a desire to belong somewhere. They want to feel needed and wanted. And then reactions to edgy or extreme content. Right. They're wading into areas that are maybe older than them or they really want to be a part of normally. Now it's really simple things like phrases they look for is, no one gets me. I hate it here. You know, I wish I could just disappear. We've all heard these phrases thousands and thousands of times, but that's a cue for them. That's when they think this person may be vulnerable. I might have it in here. This episode is brought to you by Pocket Hose, the world's number one exposure expandable hose. I used to spend more time messing with the hose than actually watering. 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That's watch to 64,000 for your two free gifts at purchase. Watch to 64,000. Message and data rates apply. So when you put out those emotional expressions, the wrong person's going to take advantage of them. Another reason why it's really good to train people not to over share online, because you should never give these people this opportunity. You know, just write that in your journal. So what they watch for, then once they realize, hey, this person could be vulnerable, they look for other distinctive things. One is, are they responding to things quickly, are they engaging repeatedly and are they willing to move the conversation forward? And this is then when someone decides, hey, they're responsive, they're open, I'm going to initiate contact, but now direct contact. So maybe they were doing kind of like comments and now they're gonna, you know, reach out in their DMs, right? So it's bringing it to another level. Usually these conversations start so casually. They're not aggressive in any way. And this is one of the things that parents underestimate the most because they say, oh, if this happens to my kid, it is going to be so obvious. I'm going to see it right away. And it's not. It's like this gradual intentional contact and connection that pulls someone in. So there are multiple phases and I'm going to walk through them really quick. So the first phase here is normalization. And all this is, is a conversation or interaction that starts like any others. Someone writes a comment, they tell a joke, they share a common interest. It's nothing alarming at all. And if you saw it on the outside, you'd ignore it. It's just simple. You know, you see people do that hundreds of times a day. And that's the point. It's not going to raise a red flag for a parent who might be watching. The second phase is relationship building. And now this is when contact and engagement becomes consistent. So there's daily messages, inside jokes, there's more personal, open conversations. The child starts to feel seen and heard, they feel understood, they feel valued, their thoughts and their opinions are valued by somebody. So if this happened in the real world and you're at a park and this stranger walks up to a parking, like, try becoming best friends with your child instantly, like you would intervene. It's like, why is this adult talking to my 12 year old? The crazy part is, is that's what's happening online. And like, people don't view it this way. And they allow these interactions to occur for days, weeks, months. It's become almost like this natural thing where, oh, they're just chatting with their friends online when it would be so different, like I said, if they were in front of you doing this. And you almost have to rethink about the way you view this. And it's better that way to get ahead of things and to actually understand the threats better. When you think of it as something you're watching by something you're detached from. Now, phase three is incredibly important. This is isolation. This is essentially the pivot point. This is where you really might see something if you aren't paying close attention. And this is where the child becomes like psychologically separated from others, right? They don't want to leave their room, they don't want to go out with their best friend, they don't want to go to the movies with their family, et cetera. And they start seeing insane lines. And I know this can come up in a lot of ways. So obviously we have to put a number of indicators together. But of course, one is, you know, my parents just don't understand me. People at my school are fake. You know, I'm different, you know, than all these other people. And you start to see a little bit of control because there's someone in the outside that has made them feel, yes, it's better out here, yes, it's better with me. And it's a simple thing. But if you're noticing and paying attention, this is a key part. And this is where you can nip it in the bud right away. Obviously, if you don't, we move to phase four, and that is escalation. And this is now where it becomes, in my opinion, a risky situation. So this is where, you know, the online person might introduce things that you know are getting to be uncomfortable, so they're showing kind of extreme or disturbing content to your kid. They're involved in moving conversations and private conversations to encrypted apps, right? So you might now not see where this conversation's going. They're requesting personal information about family, their home, et cetera. And then this is where they'll request Things like images and videos, right? We never wanted to get to this point, but now, you know, your child has moved something online that's inappropriate to this individual. And this is then now where the behavior becomes harder to control. And they'll start testing more boundaries than the last phase. They'll basically tell your kid, well, don't tell anyone about this. This stays between us. The relationship now becomes secretive, and that's a really dangerous place to be in, especially if you haven't been involved the whole time. Your child doesn't have the level of trust they need in you to express this. This person's now pulled them in, and they now might not share any. Any of this information with anyone because they have built this connection to this other person. So the last phase in this trajectory is control. So this is where the dynamic completely changes, and this person flips on your kid and it turns into things like pressure, manipulation, blackmail, coercion. And now this is the point, of course, where these victims now start to feel trapped, right? They now have new, no control in this relationship. This person now has personal details on them, potentially intimate photos of them, right? There's been these secrets between them, and nobody knows what's going on. And now you feel like there's no one who can help you, and you're kind of like drowning in this. So one key thing I want to talk about, you know, is why do kids stay silent? Because we talk about the threat, and the threat, threat isn't concerning. But also we need to talk about these other things because they allow the threat to become what it is. So kids don't speak up for a few different reasons. They think, oh, I should have known better. I'm going to get in trouble, and then my parents are going to take everything away from me, right? They're going to take my phone away, they're going to ground me. I'm not going to be able to go to any of my high school, school events, et cetera. And that's the way their thinking is. And they also, sadly, because this has become a psychological hook, they do feel some sort of loyalty to the person manipulating them. Remember, they're young. They don't even completely have any concept yet of what manipulation is and why they're feeling that way. So, you know, we have to keep this in mind, right? There has to be a lot of grace shown in this situation. And. And that is how this process is effective. That is why, you know, these individuals, these young people, are targeted and they're chosen and why these outsiders think they're vulnerable because it is an easy time to bring this control in. Now we have another issue that's kind of separate, but it matters. And it's a fact that kind of AI is accelerating how easy it is to cause this harm. So this problem's like evolving very, very, very fast. And artificial intelligence is being used to make like, fake identities that look real. So your child might actually really believe they're talking to someone their age or in the school district over. Another thing is they can just take an image of your child doing something completely, completely benign that you handed over, like I sent my school picture, let's say, and they can turn it into something that can be manipulation and blackmail. Right. We don't think through those issues. And it's why we say again and again, parents, do not put any photos of your kids online. Right. We live in a different era than we did just 10 years ago. Another thing is they can do kind of these automated conversations and talk to multiple kids at once, once. And that's a very dangerous thing because it increases the number of kids being harmed. And then they can do all this at a grander scale. So we are already fighting something difficult. It's happening online. You know, it's behind a screen. The person's anonymous. And now that same person could be doing this to 100, 200, 300 kits. So that's more outreach, more attempts, and more pressure points, you know, to harm these children, to put them in these uncomfortable situations. So what actually protects your child? So we don't even get to the worst case scenario. And a lot of people give the wrong advice on this and they focus more on, like, control than connection. So control alone doesn't work. We even knew this well before cell phones in the world we live in now. So kids will always find a way around you putting a very strong rule. What works is layered protection. So if you say, yep, you can't go on this at all, right? They'll just find another way. They'll sign in a different way. And you now are in a situation where they're going to keep it from you. And, and you don't have open, honest communication to know what's going on. And they're secretly using it now instead of them using it in a way you can watch and monitor. So the one thing you have to build and the one thing that's most important in any kind of relationship is of course, trust. So your child needs to know very, very clearly that if something goes wrong, that they can always come to you. Right? There's no shame. They're not going to lose anything, right? They're not going to be penalized. And you need to say this really directly to them. You cannot assume that your child feels that way. You need to say, if something happens online, if you're ever in trouble, we will figure it out. And that reduces the risk significantly. If they already have that in their head and you already make it clear to them, hey, we know all this bad stuff happens, right? It's not your fault if it happens, you know, and I will come and fight for you if it does. Another thing that's very important, this came up when we talked about, you know, picture yourself in the park. You need to treat the Internet literally, like it's a physical place. If you start doing that, you can put a lot more safe boundaries around it. So you wouldn't have your kid go walk into a room full of strangers at midnight because that's what they're doing online. And you wouldn't let them have private conversations with grown adults behind closed doors. But that's what they're doing in their bedroom when the door's closed. So you have to think through it that way. And now we do things like, okay, the devices are in shared spaces at night, so if you want to sign on to your social media at 10pm, you do it from the computer, the laptop in the living room in front of the family. There's no closed door usage of these devices at night. You can give them gradual independence over time, but you need to train this boundary early. When you do, they will then employ their own boundaries. That's what's so great with children. They learn quickly and, and they pick up things at speeds. People my age have a very hard time doing so. Then you also need to know their world without, of course, that feeling of constant hovering or being in a job. And it's like micromanagement, so you don't have to sit and read every single message. That's not what we're saying. But you need to know what apps they're using, who they're talking to regularly, what platforms they're spending the majority of their time on. And then of course, if anything is encrypted, if it's something like a Snapchat and the conversations disappear. This is about awareness, not exactly surveillance. And when you're aware, you help them put those safeguards in. Then you also need to teach the concept of pattern recognition. This is so great, honestly, when someone is younger, so you don't just say, be careful online, because that's not Very clear. You can help a child recognize different things. So one is you tell them, hey, it wouldn't make sense if you're talking to someone in Instagram and they ask you to go talk to them in another platform, right? That's weird. Why would someone do that? And if someone's doing that, that you should ask why? And we should have a conversation about it, right? Just very simple. Because logically, that doesn't make sense. Another thing is it doesn't make sense for this person you barely know to tell. You keep this a secret, right? This isn't your best friend. This isn't like me, your mother. Why would they ask you to keep it a secret? We have trust. We have this relation. Come talk to me and we'll talk through through it. Another thing is when this stranger is trying to become your only support system, very unhealthy. But for a young person, they don't understand this. So you need to explain this to them. It's like you have this huge support system. You have friends who love you, your parents, your grandparents, you have these teachers, you have coaches. You have a giant support system, right? Why does this person have to be the one you rely on? Like, you need to be asking yourself that because you already have all that. You might not realize it this second, but we need to talk through, you know, who is already in your universe and what this individual is trying to do. And they'll start noticing that and seeing that, and that's what you want to prevent. You don't want them to move off and disassociate from the people they love and start connecting with this unknown individual. Another thing that's really important is this concept of, like, rapid emotional escalation, but from a stranger. So obviously, when you have your close friends, you know about them. You have your friend who cries all the time, you have your friend who acts tough all the time. You know the different cues of how they act. And now you're talking to this stranger, and they're like, all over the place. And it's not natural. It doesn't make sense. Well, that is a red flag, and that's a problem. And you've explained early, hey, if it looks different than how all your friends act, how your brothers and sisters act, you know, then we have a problem. And it's another problem we need to sit down and discuss and look into. So once these kids start identifying these patterns, first, they might just distance themselves. They may not go to that other platform and have a conversation. They hopefully will talk to you about it and then let's hope this leads to them breaking any kind of contact with this individual who is trying to control them in some way. So then let's just make a simple action plan. So you need to make everything kind of this automatic thought. If you have 10 different ways to deal with something, no one's ever going to get it right. So what you say is if something feels off, you stop responding, right? You take a day, you take two days. You talk to us first, take screenshots if you feel uncomfortable and then come tell me as your parent or come tell your older sister whatever the plan is going to be. And then that's the plan. Every time. There's no hesitation, there's no second guessing, it's like, oh, this feels off. I'm going to the plan, you know, I've made with my family. You can also use technology. The best way to say it is like as a support layer. So there's different tools you can put in place. They're not solutions, they're not going to parent for you, but they do help. So really great one is screen time controls, right? It could keep them off in the middle of the night. Different content fillers as long as you do them well. But remember, some of these actors know how to get around that. And then different age appropriate monitoring, right, to keep them even out of some of these platforms or these apps that even have adults largely present in. And remember, you never rely solely on these tools. They're just aids to help you in this entire prevention process. Kids who feel confident, connected and supportive are so much harder to manipulate. They're not out there looking for validation from strangers if they, they have all that. And so we have to keep that in mind. We cannot put them in situations where they even feel vulnerable, even for a second. And you know, one real last thing that matters is if your child is targeted. Your reaction is incredibly important in this situation. It's like you have to make it clear to them that they did zero wrong, right? That they, they were put in a situation they shouldn't have been in, that they're handling it the right way. Even if they waited a little too long into those phases, they have come to you now. So we focus on the positive when we deal with this. And another thing is you need to jump in quickly then and preserve things like evidence, right? Take those screenshots, make sure the contact gets cut off. Next you really do need to report it. You can report it to the FBI. You can report to the national center for Missing Exploited Children. They have a really great cyber tip line. And you might also have to bring in some sort of professional support. You know, you might have a tough kid. It's great they came to you, you have this trust. But there still might have been some sort of psychological damage that happened to, especially if there was a blackmailing situation. So just don't assume now everything's solved. You know, there still might be some ripple effects. So unfortunately this is a reality we're stuck with and we live in. Right. This is a risk to our children and what we have to do, unfortunately, is make them a hard target, just like we would do if they're out in public. They have to have the same awareness and confidence and think about their own safety when they're online. Because at the end of the day, you're not trying to control your child's world, you're making sure no one from the outside can. Thanks for being here today on the watch floor.
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