#3466 ( REPOST) RHOLondon Part 1: Dental Damned

Summary

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Podcast Episode Summary

Watch What Crappens – Episode #3466

RHOLondon Part 1: Dental Damned
Date: July 22, 2026
Hosts: Ben Mandelker & Ronnie Karam

1. Episode Overview

Ben and Ronnie kick off their recap of the brand new "Real Housewives of London," diving into the premiere episode and dissecting its cast, tone, and classic Real Housewives tropes—British edition. It's a celebration (and roast) of riches, ridiculousness, and London chic, with side commentary on Housewives history and UK/US cultural quirks. The episode is full of playful snark, memorable one-liners, and signature Crappens banter.

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2. Key Discussion Points & Insights

A. Real Housewives of London: A Fresh Start

• Bravo misses an opportunity: Ben and Ronnie agree that this new franchise should have been a top priority for Bravo over others like Dubai.
  • Ben: “This needs to be on Bravo or Peacock right away. This is already such a top tier Real Housewives.” (02:12)
• Nostalgic echoes: The show feels like early "Real Housewives"—older cast, genuine ostentatiousness, more old-school Bravo DNA.
• Homage and updates: The London cast references "Ladies of London" and riffs on its traditions while setting a more "authentic" British tone.

B. Cast Commentary and First Impressions

• Juliet Angus returns as the token American, with hosts anticipating her as the show’s designated “villain” or “heel.”
  • Ben: "She was the tacky-ass American on Ladies of London, and from what we can tell, she’s going to be the tacky-ass American on this show too." (03:49)
• Amanda Caroline: Glamorous, posh, and ice-queen vibes—dubbed “Nicole Kidman meets Claudia Schiffer.”
• Nessie: Direct, cake-maker, and delivers savage glances.
• Juliet Mayhew: The Australian with “bubbly, try-hard” energy, described as “Brittany Murphy vibes.” (30:11)
• Panthea Parker: Dubbed insane (in a fun way)—Iranian, marble-mouthed, married to the ultra-British Ed, self-described as “like Marmite.”
• Karen: Jamaican and already a fan favorite for her humor and charisma.

C. Classic Housewives Ridiculousness, British Style

• Tagline critiques:
  • Ben: “Juliet Angus is so American, she’s literally named after a cut of beef.” (15:04)
  • On Nessie’s: “They say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I say, watch me.”
    Ronnie: "That sounds like a porn video. 'Yeah come on my OnlyFans and watch me eat cake.'" (18:27)
• International Women's Day Party: The central event—celebration of empowerment that serves to lampoon class divides (“it’s a whole bunch of poor women serving rich women caviar”).
• Dentist drama: New Housewives territory—fighting about child dentistry! (06:56)
• Obligatory London montage: Over-the-top proclamations about London’s wealth, history, “streets paved with gold.”
  • Ronnie: “London is just so pretty.” (08:03)
  • Ben: “London does not need a preamble... there’s a full-on palace there.” (11:22)
• Class and branding: Amanda’s “International Women’s Day” event is dominated by her own face and beauty products.
• Pet as prop: Amanda’s dog Monty True Madness is introduced, treated as an accessory, then handed off to staff.

D. Cultural Riffs and Running Jokes

• American vs British: The addition of American and Australian Juliets as chaos in prim-and-proper society.
• Nonsense “girl power” music: Favoring mindless but catchy “I’m a girl!” anthems familiar to RH fans.
• Household staff: Servants as status, highlighted in both action and snarky commentary.
  • Ben: "There’s like a servant right there, and as soon as [Amanda] steps in the door, she just hands off the dog. 'Here, take him.'” (26:37)
• Children’s outlandish names: Ophelia, Arabella, Orlando, Jupiter, Caspar, Coco Zaza—the list grows with every introduction.
  • Ben: “The children’s names on this show… it’s amazing.” (53:27)
• British idioms explained: (e.g., “chalk and cheese” for being different—not about lambs!) (39:01)

E. Character Backstories and Satirical Introductions

• Amanda Caroline’s rise: From model to luxury skincare CEO—since 2022.
  • Ben: “I've had my business since 2022.” (22:50)
• Panthea’s outrageousness: Spilling tea literally and figuratively, fierce about titles, and shamelessly direct.
• Juliet Mayhew’s past: Grew up traveling in developing countries as a “missionary doctor’s kid” but exclusively moves among the elite now.
• Nessie’s domestic perfection: “Tradwife,” tiger mom, Alpha baker—claims making children cope with watermelon seeds “builds strength.”
• Reality of privilege: Hosts lampoon the cast’s unselfaware celebration of wealth, excess, and their constant reminders of “hardships,” like Selfridges opening late.

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3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |---|---|---| | 02:12 | Ben | “This needs to be on Bravo or Peacock right away. This is already such a top tier Real Housewives.” | | 03:49 | Ben | "She was the tacky-ass American on Ladies of London, and…she’s going to be the tacky-ass American on this show too." | | 06:56 | Ben | "You also have a dentist fight. I mean, that was actually breaking new ground." | | 11:22 | Ben | "London does not need a preamble...there's a full-on palace there." | | 12:17 | Amanda (parody) | “So many people I’ve been with—including the other guy from Wham.” | | 15:04 | Ben | "Juliet Angus is so American, she's literally named after a cut of beef." | | 18:27 | Ronnie | "That sounds like a porn video… come on my OnlyFans and watch me eat cake." | | 21:41 | Ronnie | "…the dog, we find out, is 15 years old and just keeps staring into the camera and growling, which I love." | | 26:37 | Ben | "…as soon as she steps in the door, she just hands off the dog. Here, take him." | | 30:11 | Ronnie | "Juliet definitely gives like she’s being played by Brittany Murphy vibes, like, 'hi guys, can I sit with you today?'" | | 39:01 | Ronnie (Google definition) | "Chalk and cheese is an idiom meaning that two people are different…" | | 54:09 | Nessie | “We live in Chelsea. Chelsea is definitely one of the best neighborhoods…houses go up to £85 million.” |

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4. Important Segments & Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |---|---| | 01:31 | Episode theme/Intro: The excitement about RHOLondon and its potential | | 03:16–07:55 | Early British/Bravo comparisons and the new cast’s strengths | | 07:55–11:22 | Over-the-top “London is fabulous” montage & cast's taglines | | 15:04–19:26 | Tagline critiques and imagined alternative RHOL taglines | | 20:00–26:33 | Amanda Caroline’s posh lifestyle, parties, and “skincare mogul” persona | | 26:33–32:15 | Doggy as prop, staff interactions, Amanda’s social climbing and marriages | | 32:15–36:45 | Juliet Mayhew & Panthea Parker’s hilarious introductions | | 46:08–50:06 | Juliet Mayhew’s origins, family, and Shakespearean-named kids/pets | | 52:25–56:54 | Nessie’s “tradwife” cake boss life, and reflections on her upbringing | | 56:54–59:04 | Recap of Nessie’s bakery company, Queen’s cake anecdote, and scene wrap-up |

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5. Tone & Language

The Crappens style is equal parts affectionate mockery and sharp satirical wit. The hosts lampoon the cast’s pretension, the franchise’s tropes, and the spectacle of wealth, all while reveling in the outlandishness of the Housewives universe. Their parodies of cast members are playful and theatrical, invoking iconic British and Bravo archetypes.

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6. Takeaways for New Listeners

• The "Real Housewives of London" impresses with an older, crazier, and surprisingly rich cast—refreshing the franchise with British social climbing and eccentricities.
• The show is a meta-commentary on both British and American reality TV, as well as class divides.
• With pet facials, “servant” one-liners, Shakespearean family trees, and hair-raising watermelon trays, RHOL delivers instant Housewife drama and comedy.
• Ben and Ronnie’s recap blends deep fandom, pop culture literacy, and improv-level parody—making the episode both a critique and celebration of all things Bravo.

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Tune In For: Part 2 of the RHOLondon recap for more priceless British Housewives antics and Crappens commentary.

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Transcript

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[B]

Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens?

[D]

Hello and welcome to Watch what crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.

[B]

I'm Ben Mandelker and welcome to the show. Today we're actually not going to talk about technically a Bravo show. Talking about a hey you show because we are going to be recapping Real Housewives of London. The first episode at least. I'm Ben Mandel and joining me there is Mr. Sir Ronnie Caram. Hi Ronnie, how are you?

[E]

Hello. Mistress Rondell Caram.

[D]

Mistress Rundle. Karen.

[B]

So first of all, join us on Monday nights for whatever activity we're doing. We have to. Look, everyone was saying so many good things about it and I have to say I've only watched one episode. I love it.

[F]

I love it.

[B]

I love it too. It's so Bravo. Bravo needs to import this right a way. This needs to be on Bravo or Peacock like whatever. Get this to America because this is already such a top tier Real Housewives like it is so good. And the fact that Bravo like spent two years fiddling around with Dubai, which admittedly I really liked the second Dubai season. But like the fact that they went there instead of like going to the posh capital of London. I mean Dubai is posh, but London is posh with a capital P. I mean that's where posh is from. So it's like a wasted opportunity.

[F]

Get away because they Did Ladies of London. And that didn't really work out. That that was done for London, you know, And I don't like it. And I love that this show came back and they took a lot from Ladies of London. You know, they did the God Save the Queen. They didn't do the song, but they did actually have a title thing that came up that said God save the Queens, which is very, you know, Ladies of London. Like, God Saves the Queen. God save the Queen.

[E]

And guess what, the queen is me.

[F]

But this one did really go back to those roots and we had some songs like, you know, I'm a girl.

[E]

And that's why. Cause I'm a girl. I'm a glamorous girl, you know, which is our favorite.

[F]

Like Trixie Monocle stuff. Like back to just girl power. Songs making no sense other than just

[E]

being like, oh, I've got boobs cause I'm a girl. I've got lips cause I'm a girl. I'm a girl.

[F]

Love and I'm a girl song.

[E]

Love it. And.

[B]

And the show literally steals from Ladies of London. Juliet Angus is an actual cast member. But what I actually kind of loved, what was so hilarious is that in this first episode, they're like, let's leave the American off, okay? Let's not. Let's not force her on our British audience just yet. Like, she. Juliet was the tacky ass American on Ladies of London, and from what we can tell, she's gonna be the tacky ass American on this show too. And they're like, let's establish our brand as being, you know, wealthy and impressive and aspirational before we, like, shock all the Brits with Juliet Angus.

[F]

Well, from what I've read is she doesn't even come in way late. I don't think she's in the first few episodes at all. So they must. She must have been a later addition. At first I was wondering why not. Oh, go ahead.

[B]

I'm sorry. I was just gonna say there's this woman, I think Kate or Katie, who seems to be a friend of. And she's in the. Later on in the episode when they. When the cast sits down and has their argument, she's there and I almost wondered, was she supposed to be a cast member? And then they swapped her out with Juliet later. That was my suspicion.

[A]

Go on.

[F]

Oh, I don't know. But I loved her. I loved her too. She looked like. She looked like.

[B]

And she's like Chevroy.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Here's the thing. I. What I was going to say is I was kind of. I was like, why wouldn't you bring some of the London ladies back? Because, I mean, come on, Caroline. I know that Caroline's in Dubai, but she'll always move back for a TV show. And we do see her in some upcoming clips, so she's going to at least guest star. But some of those ladies were great, and I would love them back on my tv. But then I saw these ladies and I was like, these are actually really. Cast is really good. They're all. All crazy. And I love that they're all older. You know, they're pretty much all older, which I really liked. They're all completely crazy. They all dress crazy. They've all got all this money all over the place. And it is kind of a return to form of the original Housewives. And you can tell that it's like, let's take this property and make it our own. But they're still having to do, like, the formulaic things, like, oh, the glamorous.

[E]

All the cars and the money and the jewels and the purses.

[F]

It's just so cheesy and great. It feels like a throwback.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, there was part of me that thought, wouldn't it be funny if they brought Caprice back and put her on this show? But it's. It's for the best. I mean, and Juliet will be a great heel because she's just gonna be so awful and embarrassing. And it's great that they. They have Caroline Sandberg. Like, Caroline Sanbert is like a plug and play. You know, like, let's help out a new show kind of thing. Like, she just always pops up. And in fact, I would be happy if they slowly layer her in and just make her part of the show just because I just need more Caroline Stanberry in general. But this. This show was great. And it also had all the things you want from a Real Housewife show. It was campy. It was delusional. I mean, you have a. A giant party, a climactic party in the episode to celebrate International Women's Day, women supporting women. And it's a whole bunch of poor women serving rich women. That's what the entire thing was. I was like, this is amazing. Let's gather here to celebrate all these poor people who get to serve us caviar. And then you also have a dentist fight. I mean, that was actually breaking new ground.

[F]

I don't know, fighting about child's dentistry. But that was pretty good.

[B]

Yeah. So.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

And just the whole, like, oh, I'm going to have A women's. International women's.

[F]

Oh, okay. Okay. That's your first party. But it's in her home with pictures of herself everywhere. And it's all branded with all of her, you know, her face products. Crap. It's like, oh, okay, we're selling. We're branding our international women's day. Are we? I loved it.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. Really wonderful.

[F]

All right, well, let's. Let's get in. As. As any new show, you know, we get a lot of quick cuts in the beginning with a bunch of people we don't know yet. So it's very like the girl.

[E]

I'm a girl who's a queen.

[F]

And a lot of little snippets like,

[E]

oh, London is the capital of the world. The world.

[D]

London is just so pretty.

[E]

It's a sea where dreams come true where the streets are paved with gold.

[D]

London's just so pretty.

[B]

I would love it if just like, someone just kept saying, london's so pretty.

[D]

London is just so pretty.

[B]

And then we see Juliet. And by the way, there's two Juliets on this show. There's gonna be Australian Juliet and American Juliet. So basically, they're like, get all of the. Get all of, like, our British offshoot, like, colonial. Colonial Juliets and bring them in. We'll get an American and Australian, and we'll ridicule them both for being trashy.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So we have Juliet showing off some shoes, being, aren't they amazing? And then we also have someone named Nessie, who I love Nessie.

[E]

Ugh.

[B]

I love Nessie. She gives such nasty looks to the camera. That's my favorite.

[F]

And she does it with a smile, and she'll, like, crinkle her eyes a little bit and be like. Which I love. And then we've got Karen. Karen, who's Jamaican, and I think she's one of my favorites already so far.

[B]

Oh, she's.

[F]

She's really funny.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

So it's a city of heritage and hierarchy. London is a city where wealth whispers and ambition.

[B]

So really copter.

[F]

They're really selling us on Monday.

[E]

London. The streets are paved with gold. The ambition soars and the wealth we. Whispers.

[B]

I know. I love that.

[D]

Ambition soars.

[B]

And then you realize you're just a commoner, and you'll always be a commoner and never be accepted into the lord's class. So then we have Panthea, or, sorry, Panthea.

[D]

And she's like, this tiny little island in the middle of nowhere. Rule the world once upon a time.

[B]

And she's, like, so proud. I'M like, I feel like there's a lot of people that would not be as excited as you are about that, but that's okay. And then we have Amanda again saying,

[D]

so much history and power and class and money and jewelry and scones and sidewalks and people and lights and bricks and pebbles and stores and jellies and jams.

[B]

I could go on.

[E]

Do you want me to keep going on London? It's fit for a queen and for a king it's certainly fit for me. London paved gold.

[D]

It's so pretty.

[F]

So it's just a lot of this, like, we're fabulous, aren't we?

[E]

Aren't we fabulous?

[F]

And then pantheist telling us what Londoners are like.

[E]

They're very discreet and politically correct, which

[F]

is why they added in, I think, American Juliet, because everyone is very prim and proper. And then you're gonna get Juliet in here to be like, you're just a

[E]

stupid slut is what you are. How many names you even have, slut face? Hey, how much? How much? How much fucking ozempic do you take, loser?

[F]

So they had to get the Americans in there to ruffle. Ruffle those feathers.

[B]

Yeah. I also feel so bad that London has to do this whole preamble because, like, we're used to it with like Salt Lake City or Potomac or some like Orange County. It's like a lot of people may not have a huge awareness of what those places are all about. They may have just a vague sense. So you need to have things like

[D]

Orange county is where the wealth comes to play. This is where you've got beach, you've got sunshine.

[B]

We have all the fabulous designers, we have land, we have mansions. They have to sell themselves. But like, London does should not have to do this. Like, we all know what London is to have to be like.

[D]

London is where there's wealth.

[B]

It's like, yeah, no shit, Sherlock. There's a full on palace there. Okay, we get it. There's crown jewels. You don't have those in Orange County.

[F]

And I love. I just love the way they fight so that we get clips of fights. And Amanda, who's like the super posh single lady who has the international Women's Day party later, she goes, what are

[E]

you saying, you pea brain, you stupid idiot?

[B]

And she's great because she sort of looks like Nicole Kidman meets Claudia Schiffer. And she sort of like walks around with this like ice queen smile. And you just know she's gonna be the biggest raging bitch of them all. And I'm like, waiting for that to, like, emerge. But right now she's in this polite phase where she keeps on bragging about the fact that she once dated someone from Wham.

[F]

And the other guy from Wham, Andrew Rick.

[B]

The guy that remembers.

[F]

Otherwise known as the other guy from Wham. Yeah. And she mentions him, I think, 20,000 times. She's like, yes.

[E]

You know, so many people I've been with, including the other guy from Wham. Have I mentioned him? Wham.

[F]

Wham.

[B]

We call him tagfw. The other guy from Wham. So then Amanda tells us at the

[D]

heart of London, all the friendships.

[B]

I was like, oh, you're a nice. Right now. Like, I know you cannot tell me that the heart of London are friendships.

[D]

This really lovely core group of women that we've been through really difficult times. For instance, when they change the hours at Suffrages and you had to wait a whole extra 30 minutes to get in. Tough times.

[B]

Suffrages, since it's a department store that's

[F]

called maybe

[B]

called Suffrages.

[F]

Suffrages. The suffrages was a woman's movement, wasn't it? Those people who fought for women's rights. Suffrages, maybe.

[D]

Excuse me, let me amend it.

[B]

Selfridges. It's called Selfridges.

[D]

Well, we've been through tough times. Like the time Juliet Angus came to our group, started calling it Suffrages instead of Selfridges. And then we also call it Suffrages. And I went to a party and Prince Charles was there. And I said, did you. Did you go to Suffrage's Recently Said, what is that? And I realized I've been infected with Americanitis.

[F]

So this is that lady Amanda. What's her buns? I think she looks like Morgan Fairchild. I'm putting her up on the screen so people can see. I don't want to show too much of this because I don't want us to get kicked off the Internet for showing stuff. But I think, first of all, they're all dressed crazily, okay? She's got a humongous bow on her shoulder, which will show some more of these outfits later. But that's her. Just so people can get a visual of what this lady's like.

[E]

So she's like, yes, at the heart of London are the friendships. And she talks in this little, little high voice. Like, she's just so soft and demure. A lovely core group of women. We've been through really difficult times. We're a little naughty, a little wild, a little crazy, a little Wham. I think Oscar Wilde once said, when a man is tired of London. He's tired of life.

[F]

And on the screen it goes, ding. And it says, quote, actually by Samuel Johnson.

[E]

But at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And that's all you can say for the life of the poor. We're not getting tired anytime soon.

[D]

And as proof of that, of us not getting tired anytime soon. That's why I always say, wake me up before you go. Go. Wham.

[F]

Tagline time.

[E]

So Amanda says I look like a model, but I think like a CEO.

[D]

A CEO who's also a model.

[B]

And then Juliet, this is. This is our Juliet. Juliet Angus. I love that Julia Angus is so American. She's literally named after a cut of beef. I've lived in every time zone, and I'm still ahead of you. You're literally behind all of us in America, just so you know. Oh, no, no. She's ahead. Oh, my God. I'm so. I am getting in the presence of this recap. I'm getting dumber. I'm like, suffrages.

[F]

And we're actually.

[A]

You're.

[B]

We're ahead of you with Tom. Earth goes the other way around now.

[F]

And then Messi, who says they say,

[E]

you can't have your cake and eat it, too. I say, watch me.

[F]

I cannot believe somebody said they're going to eat cake in a tagline, especially a skinny little lady like this one. I was like, well, I'll. I'll bet you eat cake. Later we find out that she is a cake maker, which, yeah, she makes some beautiful cakes also. I don't really trust them because they're too beautiful. They're those cakes that I.

[E]

Look, it's a rhinoceros.

[F]

Like, really?

[E]

How does that shit taste?

[F]

Yeah, because you had to make a strong cake to hold that thing up. You know, I think you. You left some eggs out or something

[E]

to make it that stiff.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

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[F]

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[E]

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[B]

Then we go on to Australian Juliet. It says, life's a stage, darling, and

[D]

I never miss my queue.

[B]

So I think that's a reference to the fact that there's like all Shakespearean names in her family. So I don't know.

[D]

I'm not going to say.

[B]

I have to say, sadly, I think that Juliet Angus is has. She, I think, has the best tagline so far. The rest are a little like. I think Nessie's of like, they say, you can't have your cake and eat it too. And I say, watch me. I'm like, I feel like I need

[F]

some watch me eat cake. I mean, that sounds like a. Like a video, like a porn video, you know, like, oh, yeah, come on,

[E]

my only fans and watch me eat a cake. And people are like, yeah, yeah, sorry, the cake. Yeah, it was worth the 20 bucks a month. Oh, yeah.

[B]

I feel like hers should have been something like.

[D]

They say, let them eat cake.

[B]

And I say, I'll make it. Or something like that. You know, something.

[F]

Yeah, mine would be.

[E]

Some say they say, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

[F]

But I did already have my cake

[E]

and I ate yours. They say, let them eat cake. Well, I already ate it. Fuck you poor people.

[D]

They say, you can't have your cake and eat it too. I say, I won't go near either one of them, because I'm minding my figure.

[F]

Karen says, I may be from the

[E]

commonwealth, but there's nothing common about me except my name, which is Karen.

[F]

Pretty common name, but otherwise pretty common.

[B]

Otherwise good. Great tagline. She has a good one. And then Panthea says, as a true

[D]

Londoner, I don't just sip the tea, I spill it.

[B]

All right, that's pretty good. Pretty good.

[F]

But also, like, do you ever want to invite her to your house? No. Because she will just be spilling everywhere.

[E]

She's like, it was in my tagline, darling, I spill, I spill everywhere.

[F]

So the episode begins with one of our girls.

[E]

Girls in power. Girls have power and boobs too.

[F]

Amanda is driving her Bentley very slowly through the streets, and everyone's staring at her because, you know there's somebody on a pickup truck in front of her filming all of this, going 10 miles an hour, holding up traffic. But she is driving and she's like,

[E]

oh, it's London at its finest today. No cost of living crisis here.

[B]

So then someone drives up to her and goes, oh, hey, I wish I was there.

[D]

She goes, oh, darling, looking good, thinking good. Okay, have a lovely day. All right, this is just me, Amanda Caroline, waving at people in traffic.

[B]

Isn't this what Lisa Vanderpump did when we first saw her on Beverly Hills? We saw her in, like, a convertible driving down Santa Monica Boulevard, just waving to random people like, hello, darling, I'm

[D]

showing America that I'm wealthy. But I talked to the poors as well.

[E]

Hello, I'm Amanda Caroline. I'm a small town girl who grew up on the south coast in Hampshire. I came to London when I was around 20 and as a model. I was very young, very attractive.

[F]

And we see her. Truth, truth to all that.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

And I came to London to find my fortune. Although she's a cruel mistress, London launched me and made me the person that I am, which we'll find out very soon, is evil, awful, terrible, spoiled and crazy. You're welcome.

[D]

Now here, everyone. Here's my little poodle, my pup, whose name is Monty. True madness. Isn't that hilarious, Monty? You look so cute in your little outfit. True madness indeed. And I love your business shirt. Oh, goodness. Isn't Monty true madness going to steal the hearts of everyone on this sweet little island we call Britain?

[E]

And she keeps.

[F]

She's always holding this little white, fluffy poodle dog. And the dog, we find out, is 15 years old, and it just keeps staring into the camera and growling, which I love. They're like, let's get a shot of Monty. And it's like,

[E]

Monty Drew Madness.

[F]

So she calls him Megan.

[E]

And she's like, megan, I just came back from the meeting in Harley Street. It went so well. They're gonna place an order of 100 units. They're gonna give us a whole branded space. Get on that business, business, business. We do business in our Bentleys here in London, where the street's up here.

[D]

Early 2022, I started my skincare business. Amanda Caroline. Skincare launched straight into Saks Fifth Avenue in the US Literally. We put it in a T shirt gun and shot it off, and it landed in Saks Fifth Avenue. And I'm all. I'm one of the only prestige beauty brands in the entire world that's made in England. That's right, everyone. I invented Skincare. You're welcome.

[F]

I think it's so funny how she's

[E]

like, look at me about a CEO and magnate. I've had my business since 2022.

[B]

I know, Amanda Caroline.

[D]

All right, I was going to. All right, Megan. I was going to run through women's. The Women's Day event. Canapes are looking good, flowers arriving in the morning, weather's looking good. And so I think we're all set. We're going to have a party in a very cramped townhouse. Are you excited?

[E]

Here's one thing I think we still need for the Women's Day event. Women. I think it might be important to have women there. So let's just scratch the list that we've got now. I just don't trust it. There are too many penises on this list. I only want. Well, maybe not only women. Can we invite men, too? So we have men. Let's celebrate Men's Day. Why? Isn't it international? Men and women's? No, I can't brand that. Really? Well, just women. Stick with women. Find me some women, please.

[D]

How about this? Ooh, let's have a sorting hat. And you arrive at the party and we find out, are you a servant or are you a caviar eater? And one goes downstairs, one goes upstairs, like the old show. It'll be perfect. A great way to celebrate women of all kinds.

[E]

I found out a caviar that acts like poison to a poor person, so only the rich people will be able to digest it. And any poor person that tries to eat it will fall dead on the floor. Oh, can we get some women? Dead body cleaner uppers, please? That might be important.

[D]

Make sure they don't have the caviar either. You know, you have to understand person on the phone with me that skincare is bigger than the car industry. We're just at the beginning, and I'm building.

[E]

You don't see people putting Volvos on their face. No, no, you don't.

[D]

No, no, listen, I'm building a billion dollar company. It's only a ten thousand dollar company at the moment, but I'm building a billion dollar company. I live in Belgravia. It's the most exclusive neighborhood in London and one of the most expensive per square foot in the world. And we just got a Starbucks. We're so excited. I pretty much live next to King Charles. I mean, I'm pretty much in his room. I'm not saying that I'm a stalker of his, but I did leave him a cassette tape from Wham and said, guess who? I know it was Andrew Wrigley.

[E]

It was really funny. I left the card, it said Wham, and then it was signed Bam. Thank you, ma'.

[A]

Am.

[E]

So I think he liked that. I think he did.

[F]

So she's bragging that she lives right next to the Royal Palace. Is that really considered a good neighborhood? I mean, we went there. It wasn't like, hideous or anything. There wasn't like spray paint everywhere. But isn't that kind of like a tourist trap?

[B]

I feel like it's a good neighborhood for. I feel like. I feel like there's like, a lot of bragging rights. I assume if you're near Buckingham palace, like, the Queen lives next door, I could invite her over.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

But inside, and there's just like, I don't know, pudgy, dirty people with fanny packs walking around aimlessly, like, hey, you know where that museum for Truman Capote is?

[B]

Well, how else do you know you're gonna be rich? How else do you know that you're rich unless you see the poor people downstairs, another person. You have to have create some separate.

[E]

I know how wealthy I am by the amount of disgust I feel every

[F]

time I walk outside and look at everyone else.

[D]

Oh, look, there are two gay podcasters from America walking by talking about Bravo Television.

[F]

Disgusting. So she talks about how she built this. She found a large building in Belgravia

[E]

and she totally demolished it. And I made it into my office, my home, my event space. Oh, and this week, I'm hosting a beautiful event at my home, inviting lots of friends. Let's take a look at my home, shall we?

[F]

And we go see. And we see little. We go through and we see little clips of her home. And she's got a whole Room that's, like, her beauty room is her office. And it's all pictures of her.

[B]

Yeah. I also loved.

[D]

She has, like, Monty True Madness.

[B]

And she walks into. She, like, walks into her estate, and there's, like, a servant right there. And, like, as soon as she steps in the door, she just hands off the dog. Here, take him.

[D]

I can't do it.

[B]

I already shot my scene with him. He's disgusting. Get this dog out of my.

[F]

Get this mongrel. Like, my hands.

[B]

It was, like, so obviously a prop dog at that point. Like, just hands him off.

[F]

Even the way she hands him over, she's holding him like this.

[E]

She goes, oh, hello. Here, take him.

[B]

She's just like.

[F]

Like, she's handing her the phone. She just hands her Monty.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

She's not like. She's not like, oh, can you just take Monty? It's just like, I can't deal with them right now. She just gives the servant Monty, like, it's a hat. Like, here you go.

[D]

Take this out to the back.

[F]

And Emma, who's the. The girl who works for her, she's

[E]

like, do you want some water? And she goes, oh, could you give Monty some water? I would love that so much. I'd hate for Monty actually to have to walk to a dog bowl, Please. That's why we have you, Emma, please.

[D]

By the way, Monty, he was woofing to me, and I believe he said his favorite water is servant water. So I'm afraid he's gonna. You're gonna have to use your dedicated water for Monty. Is that okay? If you don't drink any water today.

[B]

He's just so thirsty.

[E]

Well, I've built this property to help host amazing events. Not just for me to sit here with Monty True Madness, because Monty True Madness is gathering cobwebs. You know, Look, I share the space with a lot of people. I'm just a very, very private person. People might know that I was married to a very wealthy British businessman.

[F]

Oh, yeah. I'm shocked.

[E]

I'm.

[F]

I'm totally. I'm totally shocked when we see a picture of him, Mark Daish, who owns Amanda's second. Wait, who owns. Oh, it's just Mark Daish, Amanda's second husband.

[E]

They might know that I have a daughter.

[F]

Then we see her daughter Sophia in

[E]

a picture, and the Daily Mail definitely have a bit of fixation on my personal dating life. I should imagine I'm a bit of a myth.

[B]

Okay, lady, relax. And then we see headlines that says,

[D]

like, amanda Cronin spits from Tycoon. Husband Mark Daish, millionaire former model steps out with Wham star Andrew Ridgely, who is the longest legs in Belgravia. Seen out with.

[B]

Aft out.

[D]

Seen with after Wimbledon.

[B]

Why?

[D]

It's the former member of. Of. Of the.

[B]

I was trying to remember British bands

[D]

of the 80s and I'm completely forgetting.

[E]

Well, even myths have bad days. Even myths have bad days.

[F]

So Amanda now facetimes Juliet Mayhew, who is Australian. Juliet. And this is how Juliet talks to everybody. And it cracks me up.

[E]

She's like, hello, Juliet, darling. Sick. Darling, you look gorgeous. You look amazing. Stunning looking, darling. I've never seen anyone more gorgeous in my life. Is that even your real face? Did you get a filter on the phone? You look absolutely. I just climaxed. I just climaxed. You are gorgeous. Are you on a ceiling pointing your finger into another finger? Because you are the Sistine Chapel, darling. No one has been more gorgeous.

[B]

Juliet is hilarious because she definitely has Mrs. Crowley vibes from Downton Abbey. Like the middle class woman that the upper class people have to deal with who's like, she thinks she's like very fancy, but she's definitely from a different station in society and in. And what I. That. I mean, she's Australian and so she's like, hello, darling, how are you doing today, Juliet? I mean, Amanda's like, oh, God, does

[D]

someone have Monty Troop madness? I need to come to cover up this camera so I don't have to look at a peasant's face.

[F]

So, yes, Juliet definitely gives like she's being played by Brittany Murphy vibes, like, hi, guys.

[E]

Hi.

[F]

Can I sit with you today? She is very much that personality. I really like her. I think she's so funny. She's so bubbly and she's trying so hard. And also she gives us looks like this. I'm going to put her up on the screen. She looks insane. She looks like, like a semi unwrapped piece of chocolate, you know, that's just crumpled and looking just like crazy.

[B]

You know what she looks like? It's like if. If like the alien from Alien were actually made of like Godiva chocolate wrapper. And she was like the tongue she's

[D]

like sticking out like, hello, I'm birthing

[B]

out of my alien.

[F]

Yes. Like she's popping out of a Godiva. That's a good way to put it. Yeah. She's wearing this gold, like crinkly Dolce and Gabbana thing, like with ruffle things on this. I mean, she looks crazy and she.

[B]

I just realized.

[E]

And I like it.

[F]

I Just a little.

[B]

I just. Yeah. And it's a crazy outfit, but I'm just realizing what it is. I think this is actually kind of like a. Like a couture reference to, like, a Shakespearean dress. Right. Like, it's got, like, the ruffles around the shoulders, it's got the big collar. It's like a. It's like a throwback to that, except I think it looks absolutely crazy.

[F]

Yeah, it looks crazy. Yeah. Well,

[E]

and then.

[F]

Yeah, well, at least the belt is. I don't know.

[B]

I assume.

[F]

I assume the whole thing was. So then behind her, we see the dead swan, which she brags about later in the episode that she's got a literal stuffed swan in her house, which is so creepy. And I just want that thing to bite Kyle Richards. I want it to bite her so bad. Get her. Get her swan.

[B]

Yeah. Seriously. So Juliet is like.

[D]

Portia's having a facial.

[B]

She's like, seriously. And we see five minutes earlier that Juliet's dog is getting a facial. It's like a spa treatment. So Amanda is like, Juliet.

[D]

I've. I've known her. I've known on the scene for quite a few years. She's very, very social, which I felt.

[B]

I feel like if someone like Amanda says that you're very, very social, I feel like that's somehow like she's saying something really mean about you.

[F]

Well, when you say something in British, you know, it's like when you're Southern, you know, like, saying bless her heart really means that. Right? It means, what a loser. So you always have to, like, figure out what Amanda's saying because she does speak in British.

[E]

Julie, I've known on the scene for quite a few years, and she's very, very social. I think she's a warm, bubbly, fun, energetic woman.

[F]

And that really means Julia has been inviting herself to parties for years because she's got some old rich man's money. And this is always trying to climb up every ladder in town. She's a fake twat who's probably on crack. She's got a drug addiction. That's what she really just said.

[B]

And she has no substance. She's just an empty, flittering Australian infiltrating ourselves.

[F]

Amanda is so shocked by a dog grooming shop.

[E]

She's like, what? You're getting your dog a facial? You're getting your dog a bath? Darling, I'm in the wrong business. I mean, group washing a dog. I mean, that's. That's a business right there. That could be a business.

[F]

It is A business, Amanda.

[E]

It is.

[F]

Dog grooming is a pretty big business.

[B]

Hold on, though. I've just found doggy deodorant and hair shine, which I've just tried on. I think I'm gonna just lather my head with a doggy deodorant.

[D]

She goes, oh, any toothpaste over there? Monty's breath is terrible. And also yours, too.

[B]

You should probably use it.

[E]

Toothpaste. And then possibly lick you on your teeth and gums. That would be great, darling.

[B]

Are you gonna come into horse ride? Go horseback riding in Hyde park with me? I literally need to check out your horsey skills.

[D]

Oh, well, I don't know if my skills will be skilling. I don't know, but obviously, I had a big love affair with a polo player. Remember? And, of course, Andrew Ridgley from Wham. You do know that, right, Andrew?

[E]

Oh, you remember the polo player, don't you? I know who does remember. The Daily Mail. Am I right? God, they love us. They love us. I was really sticking bowling in the arena over there.

[F]

So now we go to meet Panthea, who is insane. We get that.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

She's like Eva Longoria and Ekansu mixed together.

[D]

She's.

[F]

She's fucking crazy. She's our Iranian queen here, so I love it. You know, I'm Lebanese. I'm not Iranian. But, like, in America, we're cousins, so

[E]

I'm like, hey, girl. Hey.

[F]

And she's like, oh, my God. She's talking to her housekeeper, and she's

[E]

got the gravelly voice, and she's like, hey, Aaliyah, is my makeup too much? Is my makeup too much? Aliyah, tell me the truth.

[F]

And her. Her house lady's like, yeah, it's a bit heavy. It's a bit heavy. Yeah.

[E]

Wait a minute. What do you think is too heavy? But you think I can get away with it? Like, do you think I can or not? Like, does it look bad? She goes, yeah, a little bit. Yes.

[F]

Yes. Aaliyah for the win.

[B]

Aaliyah cannot stand her.

[D]

She's like, well, I was trying to cover these spots, and I don't understand why I've got these hormonal spots. How could. How come my hat. How does. How good does my hair look? Does it look really good? Because I slept with this.

[B]

This in it.

[D]

This entire. Right. Okay, look, my hair's good.

[B]

Look, I'm gonna judge my hair up.

[D]

Look, I'm having a good day. Hair day, Right? I look so sexy. Come on, Aaliyah.

[B]

Say yes.

[D]

Say yes to the dress.

[E]

Aaliyah Bruce Willis has better hair than you, Mum.

[D]

Okay, well, I'll just ignore that. I'm Panthea Parker. I was born in Iran and I moved to London when I was four years old and we left Iran in 1979 because the revolution and I've never looked back, so.

[E]

Except when Ben Affleck was shooting there because those were honestly exciting times for everyone, weren't they? I did look like that. Oh, God, am I still spitting from all that Botox? Oh, God, it's been three weeks and I'm still spitting.

[D]

Drooling all over.

[B]

And Aaliyah goes, I know. Leah just has like. As she wipes off some spittle from her forehead. Yes, I am aware. You are indeed still spitting, Mum.

[F]

Aaliyah hates her ass.

[E]

Oh, God. When I was born, the filter of my brain to my mouth, it just disappeared, you know, I'm like Marmite. You love me or you hate me, I can't lie. But I say it as it is. I just won't lie. Won't do it.

[B]

I love that straight talking Marmite. Every time I'm about to try Marmite for the first time, I'm like, I don't know if I want to try this because it's. It might sass me off. God, she really is just like Marmite.

[F]

So she's married to an old, very

[E]

pasty man who's like, oh, hello, good morning, how are you, darling? She's like, oh, good morning, sir. I'm fine just lying in bed. I'm not going back to bed. I just like to be in bed, you know. Let me tell you the truth because I will not lie to you, husband. I love to be in bed. I love it. I love bed.

[D]

I got married very young and my ex husband left me without a penny before I met the love of my life, Ed. And he ticked every single box there

[B]

was to tick, rich, tick.

[D]

And we're done. Got it.

[E]

So hopefully dead within the next 10 years. Got it, Got it.

[D]

Oh, darling, your nose looks really bad. He's like, oh, well, I was, it was.

[B]

I was at touch rugby last night

[D]

and I caught a rugby ball full on the nose.

[B]

Touch rugby. I don't know why that's so funny to me.

[D]

Because that's so.

[B]

Like in America we have. Well, it's like flag football, but it's, it's, it's only called flag football, right? It's like. I don't know why it's so funny. Like touch rugby. Like, it's like the standard rugby is. You don't Touch. Whereas in America, the standard is you are touching and being violent. And, like, the. The exception is that we're gonna play it nicely with flags. But in Britain, it's like the standard is you actually are polite and don't tackle each other. But, like, if you're going extreme, you're gonna do the American style and tackle each other all crazy.

[D]

I've.

[E]

I'm sorry, darling. I was playing one of our most popular games in the country. Be polite rugby. Lead with a compliment, first of all, and end with a. End with a handshake. Nice, firm, warming handshake. And I got hit in the face of the nose. And she goes, oh, real man's man over there. That's exactly rugged. 1980s man, darling. 1980s man. You know, back when men were men. Ex.

[D]

Wow.

[E]

Am I right? Ex. Wham.

[B]

People don't realize that I'm actually a champion, polite rugby player. Like, they've been.

[D]

I've been told that no one else in the league can say, please pass

[B]

the ball as authoritatively as I can.

[E]

Oh, Ed and I are like chalk and cheese, which is so different, but it works. It works. You know, I thought chalk and cheese,

[F]

like, you go together like chalk and cheese. I thought that was a good thing. It's not a good thing.

[B]

Well, it could be a good thing if that's what you're looking for. But the chalk and cheese do not. They. They don't. They don't go together. Oh, yes.

[F]

When they do, the land.

[B]

I remember correctly from when I took a class. Early Modern England from the. The Jacobian era. I think it was something like, some land was for cattle and some land. There's something about land. I think oranges are, like, the origin of the expression has to do with land. And some land is, like, not good for breeding cattle, maybe. And that's like the chalk or whatever. Like, the good land is for the cheese, and the bad land, the chocolate. Something like that. It's a great story. Samantha's like, well, we've got off.

[D]

Just. We just got to start getting some stuff out of the diary. It's too much. I just feel exhausted. I don't even do anything. I don't even work, and yet I'm exhausted. I think it was one month before the wedding. I said, so, Ed, how much do you earn? And I remember drinking my coffee, and the coffee went flying out of my mouth. And on account of the new Botox

[B]

I got, I have a real issue

[D]

with keeping liquids in my mouth. I mean, how are we going to live on that I don't work. How are you going to afford a housekeeper? Come on, you're supposed to be rich. When I see an old pacey person like you, it's supposed to be implied. You have a lot of money, you have no money. How is this even going to work?

[F]

By the way, Chalk and cheese is an idiom meaning that two people are different. The phrase, which dates back to the 14th century, highlights extreme contrast between two subjects as chalk and many types of cheese are superficially similar in color and but vastly different in texture and purpose. So I guess they mean like nothing

[B]

to do with lambs.

[F]

No, nothing to do with lambs. I mean, maybe if I dove deeper, but no. Yeah, I think it's, I think the actual chalk. Yeah, like that you, that you draw with, it's like, it looks like it could be cheese.

[E]

But don't eat it because it certainly doesn't taste like cheese.

[B]

I never once thought chalk looked like cheese. I just want to put that out there. Just gonna put that out there. Stupid 1400s people.

[F]

So then chalk was very different back then.

[E]

They're like, can we get a wheel of chalk, please?

[F]

Giant wheel of chalk.

[D]

Do you have any blue chalk?

[B]

Just like chalk with like mold on the inside? Commercials.

[E]

Here comes one right now.

[F]

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[B]

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[F]

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[F]

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[A]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun.

[B]

An army hung on her every word.

[D]

My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to Collect it tonight.

[E]

We feast.

[B]

An offer you can feast on.

[C]

Sell your car today on Carvana.

[B]

Pickup fees may apply. So basically, he was poor, but then he told her, darling, I'm growth stock.

[D]

And that was it. I was like. It was like jumping off of a cliff. Can this man actually be wealthy? And it turns out he could be.

[E]

I don't even know how you people work, because I'm just shattered the whole time. I mean, I don't understand Stan. Maybe it's because I'm doing too much.

[F]

As she's lying in bed right now, and he's like, well, we do have

[E]

a busy house, darling. Oh, yes, because we have three children. Show them. Show the picture of them. Sienna, Cameron and Cordelia. God, who doesn't want to grow up as a Cordelia in 2025? Am I right?

[D]

Sienna, Cameron, Cordelia.

[B]

Oh, and also Amir from my other marriage.

[D]

But who cares about him?

[B]

Off the screen, let's go back to

[D]

Cordelia, my sweet angel. Cordelia. Oh, or Cameron. Sometimes I call him not Emir. Such a wonderful little boy.

[E]

Oh, look at this. We got a lovely invitation to Mansion House, darling. So the lord and lady mayoress invite me, the master of solicitors company and Mrs. Panthea Parker. What is it? Why doesn't it say Mistress? I mean, what's the point of having a title if they're not even gonna use the title? Send that back. Have Emir take it over. Just have Emir do it. I don't want to put our own children in danger. Just have Emir do it.

[B]

I want to know who lord and lady mayoress are. Because if they think they're being impressive by having someplace called Mansion House. I'm sorry, that's like. That's like calling someplace city, town.

[F]

It's trying to upgrade your own house verbally. You're like, you know what? We couldn't really afford the square footage, so we're just going to call it Mansion House.

[E]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, it's a studio apartment.

[E]

Could be a mansion.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You're in London. It should be something like Elder Flower hall or, like, I don't know, Goose Gooseberry House. But not like Mansion House. That just seems so on the nose.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

He's like, I shall write and complain, my sweet. Yes, writing, complain. I thought that was the whole point, that I have a name Mistress. You know, it is a lawyer by day. It was a prestige thing. He's now all a master of the solicitors. Because of who my husband is, I now rub elbows with who is who of the world. You should get invited to so many master ambassadors, homes. I go to Downing Street. I go to Buckingham Palace. I mean, God, I just see celebrities everywhere I go, being a mistress and all.

[D]

Mistress of solicitors.

[B]

So Ed is like, okay, well, just remember, no getting a selfie with King Charles.

[D]

But is it one of those events where we have to put our phone down? Because if I can't put it on Instagram, it didn't happen. I have to be able to. Please, please, please. I've waited so long for you to be wealthy.

[B]

I have to show everyone. I bet on the right horse.

[D]

Come on, please.

[E]

Like, yes. You know, with these things, as a mistress, you have to be a darling, sweetie, darling. But if I'm going to meet King Charles, I'm going to be getting a selfie. I'm going to be getting a selfie. Oh.

[B]

So then Ed is like, well, anyway,

[D]

I have to get. Get to the world of work. I'm not familiar with what those concepts are, but okay, someone's got to keep this show on the road.

[F]

Now let's go to Juliet playing tennis

[E]

with her husband, Tiggy.

[B]

Oh, my God, the show is so good.

[F]

And they talk. All these, like, older, pasty white guys do sound the same. He's like, all right, I'm just gonna

[E]

hit some balls to you, and you just smack them back. Okay. What was that? Oh, I'm gonna hit some balls. And you hit them one. All right, there's some balls. Oh, what kind of. It was that one, then. All right, here it is again. Can you please. You said you were gonna hit them to me. Good one there, honey. I mean, who would have known that I used to be quite good at one point. I mean. Serena Williams. Watch out. Marinara to Live.

[C]

Who?

[E]

Who?

[B]

Yeah, better watch out. Stephanie Graffiti and Andres Agrisies. So Julia says, I'm Juliet Mayhew. I'm from a little Jilroo town in far North Queensland, Australia. Like a true blue Aussie. Mareeba is, like, this beautiful little place in the middle of the rainforest. And my dad was a missionary traveling doctor.

[D]

So we spent.

[B]

We went to places in the world where no one has any help. And I said, guess what?

[D]

If you want a servant, you can get a servant.

[B]

So here's some help. I spent my life traveling around the world to war zones, helping no one at all. Just getting in the way of everyone else. Whether you're trying to fight or save someone, there's me in the middle, knocking, knocking people over. That's how I grew up. Slapping around the foothills of the Himalayas.

[F]

And to prove it they show a picture of her with a little local girl, wherever she is while she's traveling. And she's like got paint on her face.

[E]

Oh yes, look at this little girl. You know, I remember this girl. I couldn't sit at her lunch table either. And she was poor, so amazing. My reputation really travels.

[D]

I'll just say that, you know, I

[B]

spent so much of my childhood going to these war torn countries and trying to help people and get them a better life. But then at 12, I just was sent off to boarding school and spent the rest of my time in the with the wealthy elites of London. So that was fun while it lasted.

[E]

My husband's Anthony, but everyone knows him is Tiggy. He grew up in London. In fact around the corner from, from where we live now because his family owns every square block within miles, kilometers I should say. All right, so we met in church. He saw the blonde hair, probably the boobs and thought, that one's for me. I mean, let's be honest, look at these things. Gorgeous, aren't they?

[B]

Look at these two didgeridoos. You can't resist them, can you? And then it took about five years for me to finally say yes after he asked me out a couple of times. And then what about when you took me skiing, Tiggy? Remember that? Like hardcore skiing. Remember when we went skiing down in an old jillary mountain? Goes skiing down the, the slopes and he's like, I was actually quite embarrassed. Yes, well, when you took me to. We took me on the Tata and I nearly died afterwards. She's saying, I have no idea what she. She's like, I'm in a real j. I'm from a jil town in Mariba and we went down the Tata. Like what are you talking about?

[E]

I don't like skiing, do I? But when you gave me a big glass of champagne at the bottom, I sure liked it. Isn't that right, Ty? He's hilarious. Yes, it's very English, isn't he? Charming. What's the word? What's the word for rich and charming?

[F]

Aristocratic.

[E]

No, I didn't want to say aristocratic. I mean, but the family, his family is wonderfully positioned, let's just say.

[B]

I love that they're a wonderfully positioned family. Well, you better get, you better plan something pretty amazing for our 20th year anniversary. Tiggy got two years to stop planning.

[E]

Yeah, we're probably not going to have

[F]

a tennis match, I guess.

[E]

Look at the tennis skills on that one.

[D]

So we have an interesting.

[B]

He has a very interesting family. So on one Side he's got William Wallace, Braveheart, the Scottish knight, a rebel. And then the other side, he's got Benedict Arnold, a general who led the American Revolutionary War. And then he defected, so he was looked at as a traitor. So in other words, he comes from a bunch of people who hate them and who hate England, and yet here we are profiting off it.

[F]

Funny. Yeah, it's related to Braveheart and Benedict Arnold.

[E]

You know what's funny is when either one of them were pulled over, they both were drunk and made a lot of anti Semitic slurs.

[B]

So lot in common, apparently. We're supposed to own like half of Pennsylvania. In fact, when I saw me of East Haunt Town, I said, that's ours. That's ours. Right now I'm calling up hbo. We belong. We own this show.

[E]

I sent Kate a little message because we're friends, of course, and I just sent her a little message and I said, you owe me.

[B]

Funny, funny.

[E]

She got it. She got it, I'm sure. So, you know, I haven't gone back and put my stake in it yet, you know, but I suppose on my side, I'm not quite a convict, but I do go back to 13th century King Edward, 1st of England. So, I mean, I think it married up, quite frankly.

[B]

So they're still playing tennis.

[F]

I love bragging about being married to Benedict Arnold's.

[B]

I know. I wonder if it just doesn't like, it doesn't have the same thing in London. They probably don't care about Benedict Arnold at all. But like in America, it's like Benedict Arnold, but they're like, whatever, he's American. Who cares? So Juliet is like, well, Tiki and I have two of the most beautiful children on the fights of the planet. I'm so proud of them. Could you imagine if they said, we have one of the most beautiful children and one who's just butt ugly. So watches get teary thinking about them. We have Ophelia, Arabella, and we have Orlando, Jupiter, Patrick.

[F]

What the hell?

[E]

I mean, obviously it's Juliet. Romeo and Juliet. Get it? Anthony and Cleopatra, Ophelia, Orlando. You see, we have Portia the dog, and we did have Hamlet the rabbit. So there's that or Shakespeare. You know, Hamlet's now in heaven, you know, slightly, but Portia's almost.

[B]

Of course.

[E]

Yeah, but. But not quite. And bless her, she's quite an old Dane. I mean, none of them are dramatic at all. Clearly, Clearly.

[B]

Now, why would you name the.

[D]

Why would you name.

[B]

Why would you not name the Dane? Hamlet? Hamlet.

[F]

Hello.

[B]

I'm just.

[D]

Hello.

[B]

We're just trying to help you out here. Get your Shakespeare right.

[E]

What are you.

[F]

Cheese and chalking this up.

[E]

Come on.

[F]

So now they keep playing tennis and now we go to Nessie. So Nessie, I would say definitely is the most homemakery and has a stick right up her butt, which I love.

[B]

Yes.

[F]

I think she's probably always going to be in a floral dress of some kind and always making a perfect fruit tray for her family.

[B]

Yes. She's like, okay, make sure you give

[D]

them a nice generous water. Make sure they're not on top. Okay, get these together. Daughter.

[B]

So she's with her daughter Zaza, and she's sort of like bossing Zaza around, making her do something perfectly. And she's like, I'm Nessie.

[D]

I'm a Londoner. I'm not a monster from Scotland, and

[B]

I was born and bred here. And then she sort of gives that look to the camera like, yes, pause for applause. Yeah.

[E]

And she says, I live with my husband Remy. He's an entrepreneur in the mining industry. We have three children, Coco Zaza and Caspa. And my little golden settler, Charlie Brown. Coco Zaza, Caspar, Coco Zas.

[B]

The children's names on this show. Coco, Zaza, Casper, Ophelia, Arabella. What's something. Jupiter. I mean, like. And then the other. There's still. There are some other ones that I just. It's amazing.

[F]

They're definitely giving U Ha. They're definitely giving Utah a run for its many with the silly names.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

People could describe me as a trad wife. I'm here for my 100. I'm here 100 for my children. But I work full time and also I look after my husband. Tradwife.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm just your classic trad wife who

[B]

also works full time in finance. So she. She's like making this amazing fruit platter.

[D]

And she goes, we live in Chelsea. Chelsea is definitely one of the best neighborhoods to live in in London. Look.

[B]

Look at all this footage of brands that are here. There's Burberry, which they keep on showing.

[D]

And I mean, houses can go anywhere up to 85 million. But we have also a country pile in the Cotswolds where we spend weekends. It's just an ideal haven away from the chaos of London.

[F]

So then, yeah, we see this mansion that they have in the Cotswolds. Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[F]

They got some money on this show. Damn this.

[B]

Yeah. This cast has money. And then this child is like, mommy, the floor's lava.

[D]

And that's why I'm on a blanket. And she's like, that's very lovely, but the floor is actually not lava.

[B]

Don't be an imbecile. You're supposed to get good grades, get

[D]

to a good university. University.

[B]

Get on the floor and off. Off the blanket.

[E]

Well, unfortunately for you, darling, lava melts blankets and you are now a pile of goo. Burning goo. So congratulations, you've died on the living room floor. Mommy, stop your crying. My parents came to London for different reasons from different countries. My mother came here from Singapore, my dad from Egypt. I would describe my mother as a tiger mom and some of that may have rubbed put off on me. I'm going to give us a nice break from the tiger moms being horrible storyline into tiger mums are heroes. And the reason we slap our children on the wrist is because they're little idiots and we don't want them to die young. Thank you.

[D]

Some may call me a tiger mom, but you know, maybe that's. That might be an over exaggeration. Get off of the blanket and step on the lava.

[B]

Be a real man.

[D]

I know you're nine, but here's the

[B]

day that you grow up.

[E]

I would describe my family as high achieve as Coco's an academic. She's incredibly clever for someone named after chocolate. And I would not be surprised if she or Casper, who is named after my favorite mattress, ends up as prime minister with gearing them up to give 110% and going full force.

[F]

And then it shows her the little girl who's studying and then it says Casper and then it has an arrow pointing to him as he's like dancing around with a blanket on his head.

[E]

Casper could be prime minister.

[F]

It's like, ding. That's Casper.

[B]

Yep, that's. That's the one.

[D]

Okay. All right. Okay. It's really an amazing opportunity to be on a scholar program at one of the best boarding schools in the country. So, yeah, everyone wants to do better for their kids. And my career aspirations at university was to get out and make as much money as possible. And the industry that you can do that in is finance. So that's why I set my sights and I did it. I worked in investment banking on the trading floor and then I worked at an asset management company specifically in the last job that I was in. And I just decided that I'm not enjoying this anymore. And we were in a very comfortable position, let's say. So I made the transition to banking, to baking, to rearing stupid children who think the floor is actually Lava.

[F]

So they're talking about her busy week. She's got so many cake orders. You guys, do you remember Amanda?

[E]

Because she asked me to make a cake for her. It's International Women's Day and I'm the founder and CEO of the Chelsea Cake Company and I'm a published author as well. So basically I actually cook books, which aren't very delicious, but it does make a statement and I'm rich, so I can do whatever I'd like, I thought.

[D]

I founded the company over 12 years ago and I've made cakes for the who's who of London, Hollywood, a listers, celebrities, Ekinsu, people of this of the same tier and accord. And I was asked to make the Queen's 90th birthday cake. And it's basically anyone who's anyone in

[B]

London has tried one of my cakes.

[D]

For instance, here's a photo of the Queen's 90th birthday cake.

[B]

It's a square.

[D]

A big square cake.

[B]

So I hope she enjoyed that square cake.

[E]

She wanted it to look like it could come from the American grocery store. So that's what I did. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture without her face pushed down into the cake. But that was when there was a lot of family strife, so it wasn't a very fun birthday party for her. But, yes, here's the cake space in one of my cakes.

[D]

It was awkward when Liz Truss came

[B]

bouncing out of the cake and said,

[D]

happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you. We were all appalled, quite frankly.

[F]

So he's like, why are you making

[E]

such a fruit tray, darling? I mean, it's a huge fruit tray. She's like, have you seen how much watermelon our children eat? By the way, never be the kind of mother who doesn't force your children to deal with watermelon seeds. It builds strength.

[F]

I was like, geez, they sell seedless watermelons over there, don't they? It's a lot of seeds. You're just begging Casper to spit those seeds at his sister's face.

[B]

It was wild because she was just talking, having a normal scene, and then out of nowhere, there was just like an enormous canoe of watermelon in front of her. I was like, where did that thing come from? Can you even get big watermelons like that in Britain? I was like, did she import that from somewhere? I was shocked.

[E]

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two part recap for part two. Go look for the recap that says part two.

[F]

See you over there, suckers.

[B]

Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors Ain't no thing like Allison King Our way is the Amber way It's the Foster and the Furious It's Amanda Foster it's always automatic with Ashley Auto Put your hands together for

[F]

Karlie Klatt get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt. She's not just a Sheila She's a Daniella Etchells we never miss her call It's Diane call Big yay. It's Emily Gaultier Erin McNicholas she don't

[B]

miss no Tricholas Hava Nagila Webber you'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones it's

[F]

no BS we love Hugo Es Jamie she has no last namey Sipped some

[B]

scotch with Jessica Trotch she's our favorite streamer Caroline Peacock, Kristen the Piston Anderson

[F]

she gets a name from us It's Lindsey D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisalino Fresh as a DAISY It's Maisie McHenry come again? We're obsessed with Margaret O' Halloran Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the

[E]

burg Gather round for the lore of

[B]

Michelle Moore this is living with Michelle

[F]

Vivian I love Aya Olivia Williamson, she's the lady of the house It's Rachel

[B]

Sharrouse she sure is swell It's Raquel,

[F]

yes, we canna It's Savannah Cast a

[B]

spell with Shannon Spellman let's share with

[F]

Sharon Eldridge Darn Skippy, it's Tippy and our super Premium sponsors she's VVIP it's

[B]

Amanda V. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD we're taking the gold with Brenda Silva let's get real with

[F]

Caitlin o' Neal Put us on a stretcher It's Charlotte Fletcher don't get salty with Christine Pepper can't have a meal without the Emily sides who, what, why, where?

[B]

And Gwen Pentland Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish My Favorite Murdo Karen McMurdo let's get savage With Laura Wildman in the study with a candlestick It's Leslie Peacock we're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Ben Aaron, she's a whiz It's Liz Sarthi always killing it. It's Lola Al Kalani Roger that. It's Marlis Rogers the incredible edible Matthew

[F]

Sisters she eases our woes It's Melissa St. Rose. There's a chance of meatballs. It's Rebecca Cloud she's our princess It's Rebecca Prince.

[B]

She's the queen bee. It's Sarah Lemke.

[F]

We cannot tell a lie.

[B]

It's Sarah tell of son Shannon out of a cannon. Anthony please don't stop. It's solely and pop. Let's take off with Tamla playing Strike a pose.

[F]

It's Tori Rose. She ain't no shrinking violet. Cootar we love you guys.

[B]

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[C]

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