B (1:55)

Yeah, yeah.

A (1:55)

Remember that make or you give it. You give it. Well, I was, I tried to get. Because that was a. That was a victory. As soon as they do it, you know, they go, there you go, kid. You go, yeah, they got three fingers of that. It's a. I. I think they should bring back the woody wagon.

B (2:10)

I keep. Now that we've done this show, people keep Sending me these versions of cars that are tricked out. And they're. They're awesome. What they're doing to the way back area today, like, it's ridiculous.

A (2:19)

We had a Volkswagen Beetle. You did you remember that thing?

B (2:23)

Yeah, we had one too. A blue one.

A (2:25)

Same here.

B (2:25)

We had a black one.

A (2:26)

It was red.

B (2:26)

Then it got. This is ridiculous. I'm going to tell. You might remember this.

A (2:29)

Yeah.

B (2:30)

Kirsten, I think we talked about this. We looked this up real quick. It was the yellow pages go by the book. And it was let the fingers do.

A (2:36)

The walking through the yellow pages. There's a little song and you want to really get it right.

B (2:40)

So my parents, we had a red Volkswagen bug from the 70s and it was rusting out east coast salt on the, you know, highways and everything.

A (2:50)

And the heater, the only had you. You. You only had scalding and. And freezing. Y. That's the only two choices you had.

B (2:55)

And this thing was. Yellow Pages was doing a thing back then. They were ahead of their time before car wrapping and everything.

A (3:04)

Before rapping.

B (3:05)

Yellow Pages would take your car and they would paint it blue for free.

A (3:10)

Wow.

B (3:10)

But you had to put their logo, the little boom. See that, that guy right there?

A (3:15)

You put that on there.

B (3:16)

So you put that on your.

A (3:17)

You had free paint job.

B (3:19)

You had it on each door, your hood and somewhere on the trunk, and it was a free paint job. And then after one year, they would peel it off and let me tell you something, when they peeled that off, it looked like there have been stickers. It was terrible.

A (3:34)

It was worse. Put another one over it. Yeah.

B (3:37)

It was worse than getting very clever.

A (3:39)

We used to, you know, we did in. Remember the days where the drive in movie theaters, you've been to those, right? And they charge by the head. My mom, to save money, she stopped five miles short of the theater. She goes, get in the trunk. Now the trunk is in the front. I'm talking them through the radio speaker.

B (3:55)

Yeah.

A (3:55)

Up in the front for five miles. Imagine this going on today for five miles. I'm talking through the speaker. Are we almost there? She's shut up. We're approaching. And the guy goes, how many? She goes, there's me, my daughter instead of the speaker. How about your son in the truck? She never let me out. The whole movie, the whole movie. I've heard Darth Vader through the trunk. It was I. And I was like, we're bumping along and I'm trying to be quiet and everything. But that's how we got into things. Country clubs, same Thing. My mom would put me in the trunk of the car with that little cubby in the back too.

B (4:25)

We did. The racetrack was called 75 and 80. It was a quarter mile drag strip and you could take your. Like if you had a Pinto, you could go race it if you wanted. But they charged by the head. So we'd all get out about a mile before. And the Bronco lay under the blankets in the back and just like just two of us and then get out. Before we started recording, you were talking about pool hopping.

A (4:46)

Yeah.

B (4:46)

And this is one that I love because it. It seems you would think it would be an easier thing on the west coast being that everything here is in ground and get in, get out. But a east, east coast pool hop and above ground pools, it's a little work too.

A (4:59)

Yeah, but you always. There were always a couple rich people that had the in ground and you knew I could name them. To this day, 100 years later, I could tell you who they were. Either that or you get to know the kids. Yeah, you might even like the kid. But you get to know them because they got a pool.

B (5:14)

You know, we had two good friends. I'm still good friends. Eric Snider, Shannon Patterson. They were the only friends we knew that had in ground pools. Everyone else.

A (5:22)

No, hell no. No. No heat back.

B (5:23)

No heat back then. But what I was saying was we use. Kirsten. Let's look these up. These are. It's a. It was called solar covers. These were the white trash way to heat your pool. And it was like a bubble cover it and you laid it over the top and it would only get about the first six to eight inches. Nice and warm. When you dove down, it was not warm anymore.

A (5:41)

One time we were. We were drunk and we didn't know it was there. And we just dove on that and we got stopped.

B (5:48)

That's how people were just going to die. Dogs. Yeah, you get stuck in that.

A (5:52)

Our pool hopping was late at night. We would. I had a fort and we would leave the fort late at night going through it. These adventures.

B (5:59)

You had neighborhood kids, like at your age.

A (6:01)

I had a gang.

B (6:02)

Oh yeah.

A (6:02)

I had my own gang. It's called the Dungeon gang. This place called the Dungeon. It was like a. It was a. It was like a. A garage away from our house. I don't know how we lived. It's one of those things you don't know how you live. You had an extension cords duct taped together, a whole bunch of them. And into my mom's basement. Remember the basement? It Always had water. Through the water and up into the light socket. That's. That's where it was.

B (6:25)

That was your power for the dungeon.

A (6:27)

That's our power for the dungeon. And you knew the party was on because it had orange curtains. Look like a pumpkin was lit up, and everybody go, oh, party at Shoemakers in the dungeon, gang. And it was like a shrine to beer. We had beer cans in a pyramid. And how old are you? How old am I now?

B (6:40)

No, no, no. Then when you're doing this.

A (6:42)

Oh, 13, 14, 15, 16. Middle school.

B (6:45)

Okay.

A (6:45)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was partying very, very early, and my mother would go. She didn't ever wanted to see what was going on, so she would go outside the door. She'd divorce, you know, single mom. She'd just go, this is a famous quote, Craig. I smell grass. And then she would go, it's too loud in there. And all of a sudden, the record player is going.

B (7:07)

Record player. A lot of power running off his. Oh, I got everything going in there.

A (7:13)

I got. I got strobe lights, lava lamps, everything. This place is tricked out for the girls who have. Eventually, we thought would come. Yeah, it was dudes. The dungeon guy was all dudes. Old couches, moldy couches. We would just find somewhere that the throat. You know, you just build this thing. But the shrine to beer was amazing. We had all these cans from everywhere. I had stuff from other countries and everything. We just thought we were so cool. But my mom, when she wanted to stop us, we'd be smoking pot. Stone. She would go downstairs ceremoniously and just take the extension cord. And then all of a sudden, the turntable. We're in the dark. You hear a silence, Shoemaker. Your mother's an asshole with a Philiac. Your mother's is an so. And then. Then she put it back in. She put it. Frankenstein's back. And we. We just would come up with these ideas. When you're stoned, everything's funny. So one time we just rip. You used to rip. Is that what you call it? Ripping on you? Rip on each other?

B (8:16)

Oh, yeah, Just ball busting.

A (8:17)

Yeah. Ball busting. Ripping. We would rip on each other so bad.

B (8:20)

That was the best.

A (8:21)

It was the best.

B (8:22)

That's why. I don't understand. It's why also these days. I know we sound like old men, but kids are soft today.

A (8:28)

Oh, my God.

B (8:29)

If whatever happened to you. We weren't there to console you. We were there to console you in a way where we're all going to laugh at you. And make fun of you and let you know we love you, you're one of us. That's the expression of love.

A (8:40)

I just talked about that this morning. I said I love you. If I tease you, if I look for things to tease you on. A nickname is a real affection thing. Shorten your last name. That's your last name. You didn't have a good one for that?

B (8:52)

No, I did not.

A (8:52)

Sick.

B (8:53)

Yeah. No, not good.

A (8:54)

Did they call you Sick? No, they call me Shoe to this day. Steve Wartenberg's.

B (8:58)

I like that.

A (8:58)

Stag Lano Stag. Scott Aster hated it. And Tony Pussini had to move. So, I mean, you just take this, you take the last name and you short or you put a Y on the end of. It's a single.

B (9:10)

That's all baseball guys do it. You'd be shoey if you're a ball player.

A (9:15)

Yeah, well, I like shoe.

B (9:16)

I'm not crazy about shoey baseball players.

A (9:20)

How about the other thing? You bust balls. And we had a guy named Terry. Heard right. This poor guy. We're sitting around stone and somebody comes up with this idea. You know what hurt sounds like? When I'm taking a dump and it gets stuck, I go, this poor guy. Literally, it swept the entire school. Swept the school. Terry hurt. Terry hurt.

B (9:42)

That one sucked. The wall.

A (9:43)

He transferred. He transferred. I'm telling. It's. We were so cruel. So here's the one thing. This is a true story. This happened. It was the dungeon gang. It was some of the founders, like Cerami and the George, the Animals, Theo and Tommy, Tail. Anyway, we said, we're sitting around, we're ripping on each other. Look, we always rip on each other. Let's go knock on people's doors and rip on them. And then George goes, while we're nude.

B (10:09)

Nah, dude.

A (10:10)

Swear, dude.

B (10:11)

So hold on. I just be real clear. We're not doorbell ditching. We're gonna knock.

A (10:14)

Wait. We're gonna knock on the door and make fun of them. Wait till they answer. Make fun of them. Do our ripping. And while we're nude and we all went, good idea. And did it, Bridal Lane would pull up. Ceramics, the getaway car. Me, George and Tommy get out. We've got a script planned.

B (10:31)

What time of day is this?

A (10:32)

It's at night. You know, like nine at night. A little earlier maybe. Yeah, like eight, nine at night. And it's nighttime. Bridal Lane, real rich neighborhood. Knock on the door, and we all were completely naked. Ceramic getaway car has our clothes in there fully so all of a sudden, she opens it. George goes. And George, we freeze. Who has the first line? Who's got the first line? So I do the penis helicopter. Hey, lady, penis helicopter. You know, I'm thinking, that'll get her. And then George just goes, get the coffin ready, you old bag. I swear to God, you old bag. And then Tommy goes, yeah, nest birds. Nest head, you know. So we start. We started ripping on her and we're nude.

B (11:11)

Get the coffin.

A (11:12)

Get the coffin ready, you old bag. Meanwhile, she was probably 34, right?

B (11:16)

Yeah.

A (11:17)

So anyway, so we tear off, right? Ceramic takes off in the car. So now we're down the street, Bridal Lane, like chariots of fire, naked. And he's. And we had this thing also that we came up with a stone. We thought, we're going to catch this one on, you know, like a catchphrase. Like, what's that we came up with? That was our thing. How did that not sweep the nation? I hope it does now. Now that I'm on here. It's going to catch fire. So anyway. Oh, my God, you are a genius. She's looking up Bridal Lane. There it is.

B (11:50)

Well done.

A (11:51)

Oh, my God, well done. That is Bridal Lane. So. So it's one of.

B (11:56)

It's where your dicks are out running here.

A (11:57)

So now we're running along the street, but now Ceramic is the only one doing he. And we're going, pull over, pull over. He pulls over. Somehow I get in the back seat. George jumps on the hood of the car. He thinks it's funny. Till Ceramic speeds up to 55. He's now driving through the orland courts of people playing basketball. And he's looking in the windshield. He goes, let me in. His glasses are croaking. Please let me in. My mother will kill me. And then he says, I'll never forget this line as long as I live. He goes, oh, we're gonna get caught. I won't get the naval academy. He's thinking, a high education dude on the hood of a car. Then he grabs the wiper. He goes, oh, rip it off. And Strappy turns it on. It's tossing around. You let me in. So anyway, he goes through the courts. He's honking. George's spread eagled on the hood. Everyone's laughing, except for George. It's not funny to him. Finally we go back and Tommy's still on Bridal Lane, waiting for us. Like the Thinker. Remember Rodan's the Thinker? Nude on a curb. And a guy, a guy just standing behind him just, just shaking his head. What are these idiots doing? But that's, we did all sorts of dungeon gang. We did all.

B (13:07)

We started talking about pool hop and we, we diverted, which is fine.

A (13:10)

How we doing with pool days?

B (13:11)

You would leave out a fort and you go pool hopping at night.

A (13:14)

You ever get caught? You want to go find my fort?

B (13:16)

Yeah, let's do it.

A (13:17)

15 Highland Avenue, right? Very close by. It was a fort in the back. Well, if you could find that, oh, this would be awesome.

B (13:23)

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A (14:49)

I bet I know it's still there. There you go. Let's see if we can find the dungeon. There we go. There it is.

B (14:54)

Where?

A (14:54)

There it is. It's in the back. And go to the back. Go to the back. Down the driveway. Oh, my goodness. Hilarious. There it is. There's a dungeon. There's a dungeon. If they only knew how much history was. That should be a historical building.

B (15:08)

You know, as old as we can go. 2012. Yeah, there you go.

A (15:11)

You know how you do historical buildings? They should make this a historical building. The stuff that went on there, we would go on stealing runs, you know, like two in the morning. I remember one Time we would just steal for the sake of stealing. Yeah, we found all this paint thinner, and we just stole the paint thinner. Right. We don't need any paint there. I made Molotov cocktails out of it. We're very clever, MacGyver, you know. So anyway, then we invite these girls over, and she goes. She looks. She goes, my dad sells that paint thinner. We robbed her house. We robbed her dad's place. We had to cover. She goes, nobody else has that paint there. I go, oh, no, it's another kind of paint thinner. Because I'm in the handyman business. I made up some story. But, yeah, that's. That's where.

B (15:52)

So you'd leave out of here, and you'd go pool hop and everything else.

A (15:55)

Pull up into the Flower Town Country Club is nearby. We went there. Went to Flower Town Swim Club is nearby. That's. I don't want to tell you what we did in that pool. You know, we just did. We just did things that you were not supposed to be doing. Oh, and then. Oh, then they had. It's definitely not there. Sika's golf course was a miniature golf. Remember miniature golf when you're a kid? So we get. We break into there.

B (16:16)

We break it.

A (16:17)

We break in there like, real wee hours of the morning. We're, like, looking for lights, and we turn on a light, the whole place lights up. Oh, yeah, Dinosaur mouth. Wow. The alligator. So we didn't get busted on it. I did get busted quite a few times.

B (16:31)

Arrested or just busted and chased away?

A (16:33)

No, I. A lot of times I got away with it. The time I broke into this mansion, there was a mansion that's not there anymore either. It was the biggest. Second biggest mansion in the country called Stoatsbury. Oh, yeah, look up Stoatsbury. White Marsh Hall. Actually, it's. It's been. It's been gone for a very long time, but this place, amazing. Had all these trapdoors and tunnels, and I would give hippies. I would give hippies tours in there. Look at that place. Oh, and I knew. We're all, oh, look at that. Whoa.

B (16:58)

This is the whole grounds of it.

A (17:00)

That's not the whole grounds. The whole grounds are all of Winmore, Pennsylvania. And I knew every nook and cranny. For 50 cents, I give you a tour. 50 cents. I tell the hippies, I go. Follow me. I knew everywhere to go.

B (17:11)

This looks like a mini Versailles.

A (17:14)

It is a mini Versailles. It's funny you say that's modeled after Versailles. Literally. There's some. Dude, bro. A lot of people don't know it.

B (17:21)

But your boy's cultured over.

A (17:23)

This boy is cultured that he came up Versailles and he didn't say for sale. That's the real miracle, right? I'll give you a foyer for sales.

B (17:32)

Foyer. I'll say radiator and I'll say tournament.

A (17:35)

You see this? Yeah, you see that? So one time I'm in there and a cop came in. He sends the dog in first and my buddy froze. We're giving a tour to a hippie. I ran and I ran and I ran. Another time I ended up in the attic for literally hours. It was one of those things when you were a kid was everything was about, don't be a mo. Did you have mo? Like that's short for homo.

B (17:59)

Yeah, our friend's dad would say that. More like, you know, so.

A (18:04)

So I had to. I had to finally say to him, I was so freezing. I whispered to him, look, I'm not a mo, but you gotta hug me, man. Freezing. This is no mo. No mozone. Okay? Just hug me. And we hugged each other for hours while these cops searched for us with pigeons up in.

B (18:24)

Pigeons.

A (18:24)

Oh, there were pigeons. Look, that's. That's all that ended up in there.

B (18:28)

Was it a hospital and a museum? What the was this?

A (18:31)

It was a beautiful mansion at the turn of the other century, right? And it would have all. And then. Then it ended up to be. It was bought. It was bought. It was purchased by. Is it by the state? A chemical company called Penwalt.

B (18:42)

What?

A (18:42)

So we walk in the ballroom. Here's this beautiful ballroom. It's Bunsen burners. What? So that. That was all crashed. And you find. Also there's the wreckage. How did they just let that. You imagine going through that, though, giving tours when you're a kid. And it was. And there were ghosts and everything because of Mrs. Stoatsberry. Oh, this was insane. What a childhood. This was. What an experience. And the thing is, they destroyed the place. The rumor got out that they had copper, so the copper was just torn.

B (19:08)

That's a copper roof. Crackheads.

A (19:10)

All the crackheads. All the brass was taken off. They had vaults bowling out in the people.

B (19:14)

Like, I feel like it's a popular. Like, you know what I'm saying?

A (19:19)

Night. No, no night. No, no, no, no. I was the only idiot that went at night. Okay, no, nighttime. It was already dark because there's no lights in there. There was like this emergency light that was on.

B (19:29)

See any other pictures in there? Cursed. Oh, it's serious.

A (19:31)

It's insane. It was. And then all the heads were taken off. See all these statues? All the heads were chopped off.

B (19:36)

So they walked away from this place.

A (19:39)

Unbelievable.

B (19:40)

At some point, some people just were like, all right, we're out of here. And they left it like that.

A (19:44)

And how about then when the chemical company comes in, they would ruin it like that. And then they just let it go for years. Now they leveled it. There's still. There's still statues with head that are headless. For some reason, people thought that heads were valuable. But see the. The gate. The gates are still there. There, That's. That's in Winmore. Right there. That's. That's miles away from their main property.

B (20:03)

What does that go back up? Sorry. Kirsten wants to say, built in the U. S. What is that, 89?

A (20:07)

Oh, it's an 83rd largest private home ever built in the U.S. yeah. Vanderbilt was first. I thought it was second anyway, but I. I love that place. That was a real part of my child. Oh, there's Widener Road. They have statues that are still there. We use it as a wiffle ball place, of course. And if you go back, there's some.

B (20:24)

Guy that rolled in his grave.

A (20:25)

Like, this guy puts up his 20th, and we go, here's the target where you throw the ball, the tennis ball. So we would. Yeah, we used it for that. And it's just.

B (20:36)

Damn, that's awesome.

A (20:37)

Yeah. It really was a great part of my childhood. But I started in the city where we lived in row homes. Remember row homes?

B (20:44)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A (20:45)

And row homes were great because we would build our own tunnels. We would build a tunnel. Like I built a tunnel to Carl Rodzowich's house.

B (20:52)

How. How you doing?

A (20:54)

I busted through the wall.

B (20:55)

Literally.

A (20:55)

Oh. I was like Shawshank Redemption in 1960, left Shawshank Prison. All I found was a set of mother prison clothes, bottle of soap, and an old rock hammer. And they had worn down to the nub. I was Andy Dufresne. I. I chopped my way. And Mrs. Rodwich, I covered it with an Elvis poster. And Mrs. Rodzwich, she discovered it and she. She cemented the whole thing up. She cemented the whole thing because I was bad news. I was a child of a divorcee.

B (21:23)

Yeah.

A (21:24)

Oh, they don't like that. The mothers who were married, they will not like that with my mom, you know? Anyway, so they cut that off. But all the places I ever lived always had another house.

B (21:35)

Remind me of this now. Kirsten, will you look up Mount Wilson Hospital. Baltimore, tuberculosis. I Can't believe that they catch.

A (21:48)

I love that you're. You're the only one alive. That was that. I can't believe they didn't catch on. How did that not catch on? One time we did it at.

B (21:55)

There it is. Medicine in Maryland.

A (21:57)

This thing.

B (21:58)

Okay, so what's this hospital? This was a hospital at the time when it finally closed. It was for t. It was for tuberculosis. And then tuberculosis cured and they did the same thing. It's like we used to go sneak into this at.

A (22:13)

Look.

B (22:13)

Untouched abandoned hospital. We used to go sneak in this at night all the time and take tours of this. Yeah. See, I don't know what a sanatorium is, but tuberculosis was that a crazy household. Is a sanitary.

A (22:26)

Oh, my God. My.

B (22:27)

You don't like.

A (22:28)

It's a true story. Not only do I know I have relatives. What? My father.

B (22:33)

I've never known to believe a comic. I'm listening though.

A (22:36)

You know to believe me. Every word that comes out of my mouth, bro. Is it unfortunately a true story? My father. His father ended up in one. And my father's only memory of his father is waving to him through the window.

B (22:48)

Really?

A (22:49)

Yeah, I waved to him and that's his only memory. He told me about that when he.

B (22:52)

Look at this.

A (22:52)

This is auditorium.

B (22:53)

Yeah, this is us at night. We'd sneak into this place at night.

A (22:56)

No way. So scary.

B (22:58)

And you would shine a flashlight. So you'd walk in at night. There's about six or seven of us. You'd shine a flashlight down the hallway. And I'm not bullshitting you because everyone's been in there. There's a wheelchair and what's it called?

A (23:09)

The.

B (23:09)

The Devil Star. That was a pentagram.

A (23:11)

Right. And. And you're like, oh, my God.

B (23:14)

And then we go in. My friend's dad with us one time. He was like. We used to do this and he came out with toe tags. Like. I'm telling you, it was like someone. Look at this place. It was like somebody walked in on.

A (23:25)

Thursday.

B (23:28)

They cured it and everybody just walked out. That was it. Like Thursday at 2:30. Like, they cured everybody. And everybody just went. We're gone. That's when they left.

A (23:38)

They put people with TB in these places. Yeah, this was a tuberculosis, but it was also insanity.

B (23:43)

See, I didn't know that.

A (23:44)

No, it was part of. Like, they had straight jackets.

B (23:47)

Yeah, I didn't know that part.

A (23:48)

We never came across the cuckoo's nest. Yeah, that's where they were. You ever watched that movie?

B (23:52)

Oh, yeah, I love it.

A (23:53)

This is way to go, chief.

B (23:55)

Now see, that's daytime. But we would go into at night with flashlights. Absolutely terrify ourselves.

A (24:01)

Now here's another one. Can you imagine our kids doing that? No.

B (24:04)

Hell no.

A (24:05)

Ever, ever doing anything like that. I've talked to my son about this stuff. Even fights, he sees. No fights, no nicknames. Oh, here's another one. I said just the other day at a conversation, I go, do you have water fountains? Remember water fountains?

B (24:17)

Of course. Halsey Taylor, bro.

A (24:18)

Yeah, but the water fountains were like. That was like a traumatic place to go. But if you were thirsty, it's all you had. They would jam your head in there. They would put gum so it would squirt up. I mean, there was no way. You can never have a good drink of water.

B (24:32)

No, you were getting.

A (24:32)

You were going to get.

B (24:33)

You were going with.

A (24:34)

My son said no. He goes, just walk up and I drink the water. I was like, what? Yeah, they have no difficulties.

B (24:40)

Look up Halsey Taylor. H A L S E Y Taylor water fountain. These are the Harley Davidson water fountains right here, bro.

A (24:47)

The Harley.

B (24:49)

I'm telling you, my friend and I from middle school have laughed. They're like, they must have a contract with this company.

A (24:57)

Oh, that's a good water fountain.

B (25:00)

Yeah.

A (25:00)

Too good for our school.

B (25:01)

Not that ceramic.

A (25:03)

Look at that one.

B (25:03)

They had a halls pulsing tail over here.

A (25:05)

It's got squirted. There was no shot that thing was ever gonna be. No, the worst.

B (25:10)

Oh, there's a better one from the 80s.

A (25:11)

That one's not good.

B (25:12)

The one put 1980s.

A (25:14)

That one. That's all metal. That's not a good one. The tin ones were the better, the more advanced.

B (25:18)

There we go. This brown one over this brown tall. And the green one to the left of that.

A (25:22)

Oh, you had to have that. Well, my head was smashed into that about 19 times. Oh yeah, they just smash your head into it. Who are your bullies? Do you got any bullies? Like who's on your list?

B (25:32)

Honestly?

A (25:33)

We did or something.

B (25:34)

Well, we. Yeah, we played sports. I also had a twin brothers. There's two of us. So if anybody. But we were wrestling, soccer, lacrosse, baseball, basketball.

A (25:45)

Oh, I had all girls. When am I going to say my. My sister's going to come in and do a torcha tay on you with a ballet outfit? No. I mean, yeah, I was. I was beaten as a kid, you know, but that's a whole other episode. I was a wedgie waiting to happen, remember? Wedgies? Did you have wedgies, bro? They hung me from a locker in school. Buy my underwear like they look. It's my art project. Did you grow chimes? Bang your legs together, Shoemaker. I'm up there. Oh my. Where did you find that? That is me.

B (26:15)

Yeah, we know, bro.

A (26:16)

How. Oh, that's evil that you would put that up there. I have a story behind this picture. Well, crazy.

B (26:22)

This is not.

A (26:22)

Not a good year. Eighth grade. And I'm putting my eyebrows up because I hated. I thought I had Asian eyes. So look, I'm putting my eyebrows up like I'm surprised. Hey, for the photo.

B (26:33)

Your regular look there. No surprise.

A (26:36)

But I'm trying to be happy. It was a bad year. Yeah, yeah, that was. I went to another school, just the rival school for one year. Then went back to the other school for ninth grade. And it's a whole. It's a whole story. But that, that. That was my worst year because I was in a new neighborhood and that was. There was no hehe going on yet. But then I. I found my gang. Misfits. A bunch of misfits. And that was the dungeon gang. You know what we did with the he?

B (27:01)

What you know.

A (27:02)

You ever hear Veterans Stadium? Look that one up. This horrible place of Philadelphia Phillies played. Yeah. Channel 17. Literal AstroTurf channel. But you literally would be. That's where concussions came. We had on our patio on cement. There it is. And we thought this was state of the art. We thought it was state of the art. Everything was a ground rule double. A little pop up over the. Over the fence. So we, we said here I have a great idea. Of course we're stone. Let's sneak into the booth where they broadcast with Richie Ashburn, the old player and Harry Cow is that great voice. If we sneak in and go, he, he. The whole. Everybody will be doing it. So we get there, we sneak it, we climb fences and we get there. It says Channel 17 Broadcast Booth. I had my hand on the door. All of a sudden, boom, boom. All these security guards come and get us. We run away. Ceramic decides to fight them. Oh, they were coming out of. They were coming out of closet.

B (28:00)

They want that.

A (28:01)

Oh, they were so happy to have this little white kid from the suburbs. Oh, they went off. Oh, there's ceramic. Oh, you're a genius. I want you to. You're a g. They're ceramic. Look at the glasses. Look at the glasses. And that's me next door. Oh my God, this is sick. Well, come on.

B (28:16)

What is sport is this?

A (28:17)

That's football. That's football. Which I. That's. Let me. I'm Gonna tell you that story. Oh. So anyway, they. They beat the hell out of it.

B (28:24)

Because you have a.

A (28:25)

You have a pr.

B (28:26)

A jail cell in this stadium.

A (28:27)

Yes. I'll tell you. So. So they beat him up. He's a bloody pulp. And then I think they realized they beat him up so bad they could be sued. And we went to the court. They bring you to court, and he's bloodied. And they say, come on up here.

B (28:41)

It's in the stadium. They have a court in there, too. I thought they just had a cell.

A (28:45)

Oh, a judge. You go to the judge and the judge goes, come here. Gives us tickets. We got ticket. We got rewarded because they knew we were gonna sue.

B (28:55)

Tickets to the game. I thought you meant a fine.

A (28:57)

No, look up. Look up there. The top of the stadium. There's two benches at the top. That's where we got the tickets. The blimp was scraping our head. That's how high up we were. Literally the highest seizing. And we were up there victorious. Poor ceramic, bloodied, broken nose. But he got us two or four tickets to that damn game at the top of the stadium.

B (29:18)

That's.

A (29:19)

But they talk about football. So I was really tiny growing up. I was 5 foot 1, 92 pounds in high school. And then I went out for the football team because that's. You're going to be famous. When do you hit your.

B (29:29)

When do you hit your.

A (29:29)

I know. I'm six two now. Yeah. Well, during school, I grew seven inches in one summer.

B (29:33)

High school, one summer.

A (29:34)

Holy one junior year, I. I still have. Look at my knobby knees. Osgood Schlatter, is it? Oh, yeah. It was like I was the Hulk. I was. I, like, watch myself. What the hell's going on here? My voice is cracking. I got pubic hair all of a sudden. What you wanted back there? Yeah. Now this manscaping, that was a sign. Amanda, you'd be made fun of. Dynasty, meet ZZ Top. Lathering up the Armenian fro. I'm in there, Scooter. I have a panel and a wall switch. Trying to get through. Trying to get through the showers without being humiliated. It was awful. So this one day, and we had a really good team. Springfield Spartans. We're beating lower Murray in 37 to nothing.

B (30:09)

That's where Kobe went.

A (30:11)

Yes, exactly.

B (30:11)

Yeah.

A (30:12)

Yeah. Okay, we're killing them. It's time to put the replacements in. Right? And Mr. Patton, our coach, goes, I need a cougar. Where's a cougar? Now, I. All my goal in my life was just get into A game, get my uniform dirty to bring it home to my mom. Should be proud. And everybody would know my name. Those are my goals. But no one knew me, including him. He goes, I need a cougar that's a defensive back. And for some reason, I said, today's my day. I go, I'm a cougar. He grabs my helmet, goes, what's your name, son? I go, shoemaker, what's your name?

B (30:37)

You're on the team.

A (30:37)

Doesn't even know my name. I said, shoemaker. And I'm a cougar.

B (30:41)

I growled.

A (30:42)

He goes, getting this next play for Chad. Shoot. And the only one who knew me was Stein. He's really heavy. You can look up Rob Steinberg. He's really fat, and I'm skinny. Looked like the number 10 standing next to each other. And he goes. He goes, you can't go in there. Which slumper? Water bodies. I'm going in Stein. I'm going to intercept the ball. Everybody's gonna know my name. I'll get my uniform dirty for real. Then they announce my name. I go into the game over the loudspeaker. I'll never forget. It was so strong. Now I turn the game. Craig Shoemaker. He said, like a question, like, he's on Jeopardy.

B (31:08)

At least he didn't call. I was worried. He's calling you Schumacher.

A (31:11)

That was worse because he's literally. What do you. Shoemaker like, I'm not even see him on the roster. I'm not even on. I'm a manager. And some. I get into this game, my pads are gigantic. They're all the way up to here. My shoulders here. I look like a crucifix. Like the Mission. I'm going to the field, right? My little League coaches in the huddle. He did know who I was. I go, herbie, what do I do? He goes, cover the split end. Don't let him pass this. This is our first shutout in 10 years. I got. I got. I got it. I went right up on this guy. I gave him two inches of cushion. Meanwhile, he's like six foot seven, black. He's. Look. He literally shrugged his shoulders. You got to be kidding me. I'm up there like Rudy. I made Rudy look tall. I'm there. Come on, come on, come on. Get intercepted. He's biting like a flash. It's slow motion. I'm trying to catch him. I'm literally looking out of the ear hole in my helmet. I'm looking. This ball goes over my head. It was slow motion. He catches him I nicked his ankle as he galloped off to a 62 yard touchdown. That was the end of the shutout. But I got my wish, bro.

B (32:08)

Beautiful.

A (32:09)

I got my uniform dirty and everybody knew my name. Everybody. They played it back and forth and back and forth. They played the video slow motion, fast motion. And they literally knew my name. They put. There were strings on the team, like the nail. There were nails on the board and they put a little, a little like pin up there. They were, they called it the golden nail. There was like some. There was just an empty nail, but I was always at the bottom nail. Even when I was a senior, I was, I was the bottom nail. I said, Come on, Mr. Patton, put me up on up a nail.

B (32:37)

What's the, what's the worst trouble you ever got in growing up? School or mom or whatever? What do you remember?

A (32:44)

Like, really so many of them? Well, I mean, once I was a shoplifter, I was a delinquent. I got arrested when I was 13. The cop says, how would you like to end up with one of these guys on a poster? I'm going, at least he's wanted, by the way. I'm serious.

B (33:02)

I also know you are.

A (33:04)

Yeah, I did think he's the guy's wanted. Look at that, he's got his photo, everybody. I don't have my photo everywhere. So. So I got arrested for shoplifting. And the reason I got arrested was we saw the cop and like an idiot, I go to a speed. Meanwhile, I have like a 65 Bel Air. Remember those big.

B (33:22)

Is that what you had?

A (33:23)

Well, I had a lot of cars. A lot of cars. I had an ambulance, 66 Cadillac Ambulance. Oh, I had every kind of big jalopy ghostbuster ride. That's exactly right. I had a 66 Cadillac ambulance, but I had a. Had an old Bel Air. And I'm just tooling through the streets and the cops chasing me. And I literally pulled in, they were playing wiffle ball in the street. And I pulled into their driveway and joined the wiffle ball game, thinking I beat the cops and cop stops, takes me. My friends, they let him go. Me, I was the ringleader and the driver. We were chucking out albums that we stole out of the car. So actually one of the charges, littering, we're trying to get rid. So he says, my mom was away in Europe, you know, she's the one who raised me. And he goes, will you stay with? I said, my grandmother. And he goes, hello, Mrs. Loney, this is Officer Wood from the Springfield police. That I had done so many phony phone calls. She goes, cut it out, Craig. Click. And the guy goes. The cop goes, she hung up on me. I go, try again. She's used to be playing pranks. He calls her again. Look, what are you. I'm making a. She used to call it a nice clean meal. I'm making a nice clean meal here. Nice clean meal. Always the same, like, scrub down. So anyway, she's making a nice clean meal. Hangs up again. Finally, she goes, if you're pulling my leg. That was her famous line, pulling my leg. And then she came and got me there. I was in the jail. But, oh, my God, you're amazing.

B (34:46)

Damn.

A (34:47)

Kirsten, that's me with my great grandmother on my father's side, which is really rare.

B (34:52)

What's her name?

A (34:53)

The Graham Farat was her name. Graham Farat. That was my grant. My father's grandmother. I hardly knew that side of the family because he was even awful.

B (35:04)

Probably 10. Yeah, she's. You're lucky to be that old and still have her around, though.

A (35:10)

Well, she wasn't a big influence. You got my five bucks a year. They were always good for, good for a number, you know, she's good for five. The other grandma is good for a 10 to 10 spot.

B (35:20)

Hit me with the 20s.

A (35:21)

I'm like, yeah, it's amazing. We still know the number. We still know. We still know the number that they would give us. And I still remember their signatures. Oh, speaking of that, my dad is. I still have the card. I found this card recently from my dad. It says, to a great son, best son of dad could have. It says, love, dad, right? And I found it. There's my dad. I bought the card for myself and forged his name with a backwards D because I knew he would never send me a card. I swear I was bringing.

B (35:57)

The guy right there would never send you a card.

A (35:59)

He would never send me a card. I, I, and I. And the other thing, he bought me a car for. He brought me a car for my 16th birthday. I tell you this. Last night. No, he brought me a car of my 16th birthday. Signs the title over. I'm so proud. I'm calling all my friends. Pro man. I got. I got a car. I'm driving up and down the driveway. What is it? Old Pontiac, 69 Pontiac. I'm driving up and down. Signs the title over. And he drove away. I never saw the car again. Do you have a car? I go, yeah, I do. Here's the title. I never saw the car again.

B (36:28)

He gave you the Title.

A (36:29)

He gave me the car. He took the car.

B (36:30)

He didn't have a ride home.

A (36:31)

There's no Uber back then. My Uber was a cop.

B (36:35)

So gave you a stall. A Toyota. Stolen car.

A (36:38)

He gave me a car for just to drive in the driveway for my 16th birthday. Because he didn't bring a gift. Never brought a gift. But that was his gift to me.

B (36:45)

Take this.

A (36:45)

I had. I held the title for years. I go. I tell my friends, I go, you don't have a car. I go, I got a car.

B (36:50)

Drive that to the mall. You should report it stolen, bro. Let's see what happened.

A (36:55)

He stole my car.

B (36:56)

He stole your car.

A (36:57)

Then I took my other droppy up there and he trades me. He gives me a 66 Cadillac ambulance. Bright. He.

B (37:03)

Oh, that's where you got bright orange. Okay.

A (37:05)

Blakely burrow. He traded me for a good car. I had to stop every hundred miles on the dimension to fill it with oil. Not a little bit of oil. Fill the entire crankshaft ship, whatever it's called, with oil. And it had no floorboards, so it rain. It would rain. So. And that. But the good news on it was if anybody was in front of me on the turnpike, I just go. I get a little. Everybody out of the way. Yeah, I had the lights and everything. Had little fans in the back for the pot.

B (37:36)

Really?

A (37:36)

Yeah. Little fans. Yeah, A little storage area. It was great. That was my party mode. That was the moving dungeon. So I had a moving. A moving dungeon. Absolutely. You're taking me way back. Yeah.

B (37:50)

My God.

A (37:52)

Been through my whole damn childhood.

B (37:54)

You got any other house afraid of you, by the way?

A (37:57)

For real, I'm a little afraid of you. This is. This is way too much is being revealed up here. It's got photos that interview I didn't know existed.

B (38:05)

What about any old houses? Any old addresses we could look up other than what you showed us?

A (38:08)

Where the 26 Hawes Lane. Let's look at this. I was there. Haus Lane and Erdenheim, Pennsylvania. And that one was. We always rented, by the way. My mom never owned a home.

B (38:20)

Is that right?

A (38:21)

Until. Oh, there it is. No, that's across the street. Oh, that's Steve. Hold on for older a second. My mom used to make me make. Eat lima beans. What I would do is I. Yeah, I would put them in a napkin and I would throw them right there to Mrs. Fuchter's lawn.

B (38:34)

This is this little.

A (38:36)

I think she made a little crop of lima beans by the end. I threw so many lima beans over there. There's no way I was eating the dog wouldn't even eat him. I tried to feed him the dog. My mom would catch me. She would double the lima beans if she'd go, here you go, here's double now for trying that trick. She saw the dog on, you know, she did not want the line. But in the back they had like a plumbing thing in the back. Like a, A. A plumber operated out of there with a greenhouse. This is on the 26 Hawes Lane. And then, and then there was a. Woods were in the back. I don't know if the woods are still there. Remember the woods when you're a kid you always had woods. This is when we moved from the city, went to the suburbs, is where we lived. But they woods in the back woods. And I just passed it the other day I went back to Philly and it was called Dosher's Woods. It was a guy with one tooth and he had a shotgun with salt pellets.

B (39:22)

Yes, salt. Yeah.

A (39:23)

And he would shoot us with salt pellets. And by the way, it could have been an urban myth because everyone would claim there was shot.

B (39:30)

Yeah, I never got shot. I never got shot too buck shot.

A (39:33)

Same here. They would tell us, I can't believe.

B (39:36)

You had it through skin and burn and. But it wouldn't kill you. We're like.

A (39:40)

It's. I think it's a myth.

B (39:43)

Shoot a shotgun at a kid with anything.

A (39:46)

Yeah, exactly. Kid's gonna. Yeah.

B (39:48)

But you are trespassing. So.

A (39:50)

You know what? I don't know. Oh yeah. We built a fort, of course. We built a tree fort there in Dosha's Wood swing. And then I invited people over. My big thing was I hated being poor. So I get to know rich kids. And the rich kids were up near Stoatsberry, right. They're up the hill now. We were down below there and I had a little tiny above ground pool, you know, it was like six inch jobs, right. And they go. Do you remember cherry bombs when you were a kid?

B (40:17)

Look them up, Carson. Cherry bombs, beautiful cherry bombs. So now they were the best.

A (40:21)

This is what, this is the ruse that I pulled on these two kids, right? Flip Schwartz and Craig Seltzer. Right? There you go. They were explosives, right?

B (40:30)

These.

A (40:30)

Right. So when you. And those. Those are childhood, bro.

B (40:35)

That's all I heard. Quarter stick.

A (40:38)

Yeah, I chucked one in a pizza parlor. That guy had pizza. Oh yeah. I chucked it in the pizza parlor mid, mid flight on the pizza. Oh, that was, that was terrorism. That's the Least I did. I didn't like the guy. The guy got worse than that. Ceramic goes, I don't like Mr. Pizza. He says, and we worked at the Flower Town. I hate that guy. And we worked at Flower Tail Country Club. And I don't know how he comes up with it. He goes, I'm gonna throw a pie in his face. So he walks in with a cherry pie, and we're all like the three stooges. Me, Tommy and George. We're like at the picture window looking. He's not gonna do this. He just walks up, and the guy, he goes, what do I do with this pie? He goes, throw it right there in the trash can. He goes, where? He goes, I said, right there. He goes, guys, you got cherries all over his.

B (41:23)

Mr. Pizza Pie's got a cherry pie on his face for you.

A (41:29)

And he runs. He goes, sooner he goes off into the fog. We didn't see him for a day. And it's sty. Even worse than that. Steiny. Remember those cubicles when you're a kid? Those cub in the library? So Steinie goes, I don't know about you, but none of us like taking a dump at school, right? No, nobody likes. So Steiny really took it far. He was the real. He was a real heavy kid. He had first breasts I ever felt. It was the second biggest at Betsy Kirschner in eighth grade. What else am I going to get? Over the. Over the shirt. Yeah, he's got a nice rack. So he leans him. He goes, yo, yo, cranky, I gotta take a piss. I'm not going to that bathroom with a rough dude putting cigarettes out of my titties. So he goes and he takes his penis out in the library on a carpeted floor. He's on his knees peeing in that little cubicle thing next to the cubicle. And Wendy. Wendy Cohn, Wendy Cohen was our valedictorian. She looks like this. She goes like, shocked. And he's mad her. He goes, what the you looking at, five eyes? I'm trying to take a piss. Everybody take a piss. He calls her five Eyes. And she's got the problem because she goes, anyway, I literally gave tours of this. It was the wrong person for this to happen. I go, come on, I'm telling you. I gave the spot tours. And by the end of the day, goes, I'm a celeb. I'm a celeb. Everybody's every. Everybody had a tour of it. So I invited Craig Seltzer and Flip Schwartz over. And I had to have A bribe. Because the rich people all had something. I didn't have anything. So he said, do you have a pool? I go, yeah, I got a pool. You know what the pool was? The creek in the back in Dosher's woods. You have cherry bombs? I got cherry bombs. You know what the cherry bombs were? Cherries I threw at cars. And I will never forget. Wow. I think I saw that. I think they still have a little about right there. That's an above ground pool right there. So is it. Is the greenhouse still there? Anyway, they come over and they were so disappointed and I never hung out with them again, right? So now there's this gang in like the rich kids, the rich Jewish kids in the school. They were getting together in Atlanta where I was performing. I said, hey, we're going to come see you. And we got together beforehand. It flipped. Schwartz was there. And I literally go. I'm saying to myself, you know, this stuff stays with you. Yeah, he would never remember that. We all get there. Hey, guys, how's it going? Goes. Remember the time you invited us over, you cherry pops and swimming and you said the creek is where you swim. They literally left. I never saw him again. And I was dying. I go, oh my God. He remembered all this year later. And that's why I'm a comedian.

B (44:05)

Craig, thank you for doing this, dude. This was a lot of fun, man.

A (44:08)

Thank you. I worked up a sweat, I swear. I'm actually hot here.

B (44:12)

Memories.

A (44:13)

And with the. With the CIA over here.

B (44:17)

Your husband better never step out on you, I'll tell you.

A (44:20)

Oh, who's this? That's me.

B (44:22)

You got a strong stash, bro.

A (44:24)

Oh, yeah. I had a Boogie Nights thing going on. I was. That was my. Those are my porn days. I actually did a porn once.

B (44:31)

No, keep.

A (44:32)

We don't have time for this.

B (44:34)

Promote everything.

A (44:35)

It wasn't a real porn, but I'll. I'll bring it the next time. That's a way back story. Also, I'm actually. I have a career outside of porn now.

B (44:43)

Yeah, you do a strong one, bro. Keep it that way. Tell them where they can find you.

A (44:48)

Craig shoemaker.com official Craig Shoemaker all that stuff. LinkedIn. I got a business. Laughter works with an x. Go to laughterworks.com. we go to companies and corporations. We help them laugh. Lift the vibration of the world, man. That's what we got to do. I love it you're doing every day.

B (45:03)

Thank you for being here, brother.

A (45:05)

You got it, man.

B (45:05)

As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Thanks for supporting the show. We'll talk to you all next week, RA.