Podcast Summary: Them Before Us #065 | Author Leila Miller | Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak
Release Date: December 6, 2024
Host: Jenn and Katy (Them Before Us)
Introduction
In episode #065 of the Them Before Us podcast, hosts Jenn and Katy engage in a profound conversation with author Leila Miller about her edited work, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. This episode delves into the intricate emotional landscapes navigated by adults who experienced their parents' divorces during childhood, highlighting the enduring impact of such familial disruptions.
About Leila Miller
Leila Miller, a Phoenix-based Catholic writer and author, brings a wealth of experience to the conversation. With a 34-year marriage, eight children (most are adults), and 15 to 16 grandbabies on the horizon, Leila embodies the blend of personal and professional insights she shares. Her passion lies in church teachings on marriage, family, human sexuality, and various moral issues, all approached from a conservative perspective. Leila has authored four books and maintains a long-standing presence as a writer, including editorials and blogs addressing cultural and societal challenges.
[00:00-00:56] B: "Layla is a Catholic writer, an author whose passion is church teaching on marriage, family, human sexuality, and pretty much all of the moral issues."
A: "I'm Layla Miller. I live in Phoenix with my husband of 34 years. And we have eight children and most of them are grown and we have grandbabies number 15 and 16 on the way. So, yeah, it's a pretty full, pretty full life."
Origins of Primal Loss
Primal Loss emerged from an unexpected inspiration. Although Leila herself is not a child of divorce, conversations with friends—particularly one whose parents divorced when she was six or seven—highlighted the unseen burdens carried by children through subsequent adulthood. This realization prompted Leila to reach out to her social media community with eight anonymous questions aimed at uncovering the nuanced experiences of adult children of divorce. The overwhelming response, with around 70 heartfelt submissions, formed the backbone of the book.
[04:26-07:36] A: "I started asking her questions ... and so I just thought up eight questions, literally in a spur of the moment, off the top of my head. And I said, does anyone want to anonymously answer these eight questions?"
B: "What were some of the questions?"
Key Themes in Primal Loss
1. Effects of Divorce on Adults Who Were Children
The book opens with the fundamental question: "What were the effects of your parents' divorce on your life?" This chapter reveals the deep emotional scars and long-term consequences that divorce imposes on children, debunking the notion that children are simply resilient and unaffected.
[07:48-09:11] A: "What were the effects of your parents divorce on your life? And that's the first chapter, and that's just explosive."
B: "Children are resilient. It doesn't really work out that way."
2. The Myth of Resilience
Leila challenges the prevalent belief that children naturally bounce back from their parents' divorces. The book illustrates that this resilience is often a façade maintained to placate adults and maintain societal norms.
[09:11-11:14] B: "We call that phenomenon gray divorce... but nobody's allowed to talk about it."
A: "I say this is a huge problem. It's a huge problem."
A: "But nobody's allowed to talk about it... Kids are resilient. It doesn't really work out that way."
3. Anxiety About Future Relationships
Adults who grew up in divorced families often carry anxiety into their own marriages or relationships. This stems from a lack of positive marital role models and fear of repeating the same mistakes.
[11:14-14:36] A: "I have a chapter in another book... explaining the difference between a daughter of divorce who is getting married versus a daughter of an intact marriage who is getting married."
A: "She was even suicidal at points with the anxiety that she had over her own marriage."
4. Challenges of Blended Families
The complexities of navigating new family dynamics, such as step-siblings and divided loyalties during holidays, further complicate the emotional landscape for adult children of divorce.
[14:36-19:32] B: "An airplane analogy... Divorce is like the parents are strapped on their parachutes and they jump out of the plane."
A: "Divorce is like the parents... ripping away their child's foundation."
A: "The child's message is that love stops. The child sees things get bad. So we throw people away."
Research and Cultural Perspectives
The conversation critiques existing research on children of divorce, questioning its validity due to the inherent biases where parents often downplay the negative impacts to align with societal expectations.
[14:36-24:00] B: "Research shows kids are totally resilient... Are they comparing divorced kids to other divorced kids or to the ideal intact family?"
A: "I have someone in the book who is practically screaming that first families matter."
B: "What would you like society to know that you can't really say?"
Personal Stories and Anecdotes
Leila shares powerful narratives from her book, including a woman in her mid-60s who never realized others shared her feelings about her parents' divorce, highlighting the pervasive silence surrounding this issue.
[27:57-34:45] A: "Just apologize. Say this was an injustice. I'm sorry that I ruined your family."
A: "I say, Christians who are Christians... You don't have to run off and have another affair."
A: "You have to practice forgiveness... Believe it or not, sometimes that other person starts to change when you become a more forgiving, kinder person."
Advice to Different Groups
Leila offers heartfelt advice to three primary audiences impacted by divorce:
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Individuals in Troubled Marriages:
- Stay Together for the Children: Emphasizes the importance of preserving the family unit for the well-being of the children.
- Seek Marriage-Affirming Counseling: Advises seeking help from counselors or pastors who prioritize saving the marriage over facilitating divorce.
- Practice Virtues: Encourages forgiveness, kindness, and faithfulness to set a positive example for children.
[29:08-34:45] A: "Just apologize. Just apologize. Say this was an injustice... Be the stable, healthy parent for your child."
A: "Stick it out. Do try to go to good, good counselors and pastors."
A: "Forgiveness goes a long way... You’re always watching what I do." -
Divorced Individuals Who Were Not at Fault:
- Acknowledge and Apologize: Urges parents to sincerely apologize to their adult children for the pain caused by the divorce without making excuses.
- Provide Emotional Support: Encourage open communication and offer support to help children navigate their feelings.
-
Individuals Who Initiated the Divorce:
- Own the Impact: Encourages taking responsibility for the pain caused and seeking to make amends with adult children.
- Stay Faithful: Advocates for maintaining faithfulness and stability despite personal struggles to model positive behavior.
Conclusion
Leila Miller’s Primal Loss serves as a critical resource for understanding the profound and lasting effects of divorce on children, even into their adulthood. Through personal stories and thoughtful analysis, the book challenges societal norms and calls for greater recognition and support for individuals navigating the aftermath of familial dissolution. The Them Before Us podcast episode underscores the importance of prioritizing children's rights and emotional well-being in the face of marital challenges.
[35:05-35:21] A: "I'm just glad that, you know, there's a chance to let people know they're not alone in their suffering."
A: "Try to work to save marriage. That's kind of the number one thing."
B: "Thanks so much for your time and the writing that you're doing to encourage folks. This is really important work."
For more insights and to explore Primal Loss: The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak, listeners can visit Leila Miller’s website at leilamiller.net or purchase the book on Amazon and other retailers.
Notable Quotes:
- Leila Miller at [07:48]: "What were the effects of your parents divorce on your life? And that's the first chapter, and that's just explosive."
- Leila Miller at [09:11]: "Half of America doesn't really understand that the other half of America is a walking wounded type situation."
- Leila Miller at [14:36]: "Divorce is like the parents... ripping away their child's foundation."
- Leila Miller at [29:08]: "Just apologize. Just apologize. Say this was an injustice."
- Leila Miller at [34:45]: "I'm just glad that, you know, there's a chance to let people know they're not alone in their suffering."
This episode offers a heartfelt exploration of the silent struggles faced by adult children of divorce, advocating for a societal shift towards greater empathy and support for those affected.