Them Before Us Podcast
Episode #073 | When Fatherhood Doesn't Look Like You Expected
Host: Jennifer Friesen
Guest: Mark DeGrasse, Host of Dads in Autism Land
Release Date: March 28, 2025

Introduction

In episode #073 of the Them Before Us Podcast, host Jennifer Friesen engages in a heartfelt and insightful conversation with Mark DeGrasse, the creator of the Dads in Autism Land podcast. This episode delves into the unique challenges and profound rewards of fatherhood when one’s expectations of parenting take an unexpected turn due to a child’s autism diagnosis.

Mark’s Family and Inspiration for the Podcast

Mark begins by sharing his personal journey, providing listeners with a deep understanding of his family dynamics and the motivations behind launching Dads in Autism Land.

• Family Background:
  Mark is a father to two sons, Damien and Declan. Damien, aged 12, is severely autistic and non-verbal, presenting unique challenges due to his size (175 pounds) and developmental needs. Declan, ten months younger, is neurotypical, gifted, and a perfectionist.

• Podcast Genesis:
  The idea for the podcast originated from Mark’s wife during a church meeting. Leveraging his expertise in branding and marketing, Mark quickly set up the podcast, which resonated with a large audience from the outset.
  “It kind of just took off like right off the bat. We had like a ton of downloads.” ([01:19])

Balancing Parenting a Special Needs and a Neurotypical Child

Mark discusses the intricate balance required to nurture both a child with autism and a neurotypical child, emphasizing the emotional and logistical challenges involved.

• Emotional Weight:
  Caring for Damien demands significant attention, often making Declan feel secondary. Mark and his wife have made deliberate efforts to ensure Declan feels equally valued.
  “We try to dedicate just as much time to him, which, you know, is also a challenge because it’s a lot of work.” ([02:15])

• Community Connection:
  Through the podcast, Mark connected with a community of fathers facing similar situations, highlighting the isolation many dads feel when they are not the primary caregivers.

Challenges in Marriage and Family Dynamics

The conversation shifts to the impact of parenting a special needs child on marital relationships and family stability.

• Maintaining a Strong Partnership:
  Mark emphasizes the importance of mutual engagement and teamwork in sustaining a healthy marriage amidst the demands of raising a child with autism.
  “We’re both in this. We’re on the same team, and we’re going to get through this together, even if it is extremely difficult.” ([09:55])

• Respite and Support Systems:
  Utilizing community resources like respite programs and therapy centers has been pivotal in alleviating stress and preventing marital strain.
  “We found respite... that hour per week was a blessing.” ([10:30])

Gender Roles in Parenting and Special Needs

Mark explores traditional gender roles within parenting, especially in the context of raising children with special needs.

• Distinct Parenting Roles:
  He describes how he and his wife naturally gravitate towards traditional roles—him being the playful, physically engaging father, and her as the nurturing, organizational mother.
  “I play with the boys, you know, I rough house and, and, you know, we have fun.” ([14:50])

• Adaptation and Flexibility:
  As Damien grows larger, Mark finds his physical role increasingly important in managing his son, highlighting the necessity of adapting roles to meet changing needs.
  “I’m the only one at this point that could actually handle him physically.” ([16:10])

Teaching Boundaries and Safety to Children with Autism

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on the methods and importance of teaching appropriate behavior and safety to children with autism.

• Establishing Clear Boundaries:
  Mark shares strategies for instilling discipline and appropriate behavior in Damien, ensuring his actions are safe and respectful.
  “Here’s this situation. How do we move forward and how do we keep living?” ([09:26])

• Long-Term Considerations:
  Preparing Damien for adulthood involves teaching him how to interact safely with others and navigate societal expectations.
  “We kept that mindset where, you know, what’s going to be safe for everybody involved.” ([18:44])

Ensuring Neurotypical Child Feels Valued

Mark addresses the necessity of nurturing the neurotypical child’s individuality and ensuring he does not feel overshadowed by his brother’s needs.

• Equal Opportunities:
  By enrolling Declan in educational and extracurricular activities, Mark ensures he receives the same level of engagement and support as Damien.
  “We enrolled Declan in Regents... and signed him up for the sports that he wants to do.” ([19:26])

• Promoting Empathy and Individuality:
  Mark emphasizes that Declan is encouraged to develop his own interests and strengths, fostering a sense of self-worth and independence.
  “He’s much more empathetic. He’s excellent with special needs kids, he’s excellent with young children.” ([22:03])

Perspectives on Masculinity and Good Men

The discussion transitions to a broader societal perspective on masculinity and the qualities that constitute a good man, husband, and father.

• Biblical Foundation:
  Mark grounds his views on masculinity in a progressive biblical perspective, advocating for men to be spiritual leaders, caregivers, and examples of Christ-like behavior.
  “Here’s what it means to attempt to be Christlike.” ([22:47])

• Continuous Self-Improvement:
  He shares his personal journey of overcoming depression and physical ailments, highlighting the importance of self-sacrifice and growth for the betterment of his family.
  “My role is exemplifying what’s possible with sacrifice.” ([26:05])

Advice for Young Men Considering Fatherhood

In a compelling finale, Mark offers heartfelt advice to young men contemplating marriage and fatherhood, emphasizing the profound personal growth and fulfillment that comes with raising children.

• Embracing Fatherhood as a Journey:
  Mark argues that true manhood and personal development are deeply tied to the responsibilities of fatherhood.
  “I don’t think you could reach a real level of manhood without having children.” ([26:58])

• Long-Term Legacy:
  He underscores the enduring impact of parenting, noting that children carry forward one’s legacy beyond one’s lifetime.
  “You’re crafting the life of other human beings that go on after you die.” ([29:04])

Conclusion and Resources

Mark concludes by directing listeners to his websites for more resources and support.

• Websites:

  • markdegrass.com – Personal content
  • dadsinautismland.com – Podcast and resources for special needs families

• Support for Fathers:
  Mark highlights the importance of communities and resources specifically tailored for fathers feeling isolated in their parenting journey.

  “If you are a dad that feels kind of alone... you’ll find a lot to learn with, with dads in autism land.” ([29:55])

Notable Quotes

• “We’re both in this. We’re on the same team, and we’re going to get through this together, even if it is extremely difficult.” – Mark DeGrasse ([09:55])

• “Here’s what it means to attempt to be Christlike.” – Mark DeGrasse ([22:47])

• “I don’t think you could reach a real level of manhood without having children.” – Mark DeGrasse ([26:58])

Final Thoughts

This episode of Them Before Us offers an authentic glimpse into the life of a father navigating the complexities of raising a child with autism alongside a neurotypical sibling. Mark DeGrasse’s experiences underscore the resilience, adaptability, and profound love required to support a diverse family. His insights provide invaluable guidance for parents, particularly fathers, seeking to balance individual needs while fostering a nurturing and inclusive family environment.

For listeners interested in further exploring these themes or seeking support, visiting Mark’s websites provides additional resources and community connections.

Resources Mentioned:

• Mark’s Personal Website: markdegrass.com
• Dads in Autism Land Podcast: dadsinautismland.com
• Special with the Side of Mom (Non-Profit): Specialwiththesideofmom.org (Assumed URL for illustration purposes)

This summary encapsulates the essence of episode #073, reflecting the profound discussions between Jennifer Friesen and Mark DeGrasse. It serves as a comprehensive guide for both existing listeners and those new to the Them Before Us community.