Podcast Summary: Them Before Us #075 | Bobby Lopez: A Child’s Journey Through Divorce, Identity, and Redemption

Introduction

In episode #075 of the Them Before Us podcast, host Jennifer Friesen engages in a profound conversation with Bobby Lopez, a former contributor to Them Before Us, who bravely shares his personal journey navigating childhood adversity, identity challenges, and eventual redemption. The discussion delves into the complexities of growing up in a divorced household, the impact of same-sex parenting, and the societal expectations placed on men facing mental health struggles.

Early Life and Family Background

Bobby Lopez opens up about his childhood marked by his parents' separation and the ensuing complexities within his family dynamic. His mother, a Hispanic doctor from Puerto Rico, faced significant challenges balancing her demanding career and personal life.

• Divorced Before Birth: Lopez explains, “My parents were essentially divorced really before I was born. They didn't actually legally get divorced until I was 8 or 9 or something like that” (00:25).

• Racial and Cultural Tensions: The introduction of his mother’s white partner into his life added layers of racial and cultural differences, making his upbringing feel alienating. “She was racially totally different from me, you know, because my dad is Asian, my mom is Hispanic, and the partner was white” (01:35).

Impact of Divorce and Same-Sex Parenting

The episode delves into the emotional and psychological ramifications of growing up in a household influenced by divorce and same-sex parenting. Lopez discusses how these factors shaped his relationships and self-perception.

• Limited Relationship with Father: Lopez recounts his distant relationship with his father, who was frequently occupied with other relationships. “I did not really have a relationship with him when I was there” (04:25).

• Mother's Struggles: His mother's health issues and the burden of being a single parent led Lopez to seek connection elsewhere, particularly with his mother's partner. “I felt like there was a lack of connection with her, and so I kind of gravitated more towards the woman that she was in a relationship with” (01:35).

Evolution of Views on Family and Political Activism

Bobby Lopez reflects on his evolving perspectives regarding family structures and his experiences with political activism, particularly within the LGBTQ+ community.

• Shift from Social Conservatism: Initially active in social conservative movements, Lopez became disillusioned after facing cancellation from both left and right-wing institutions. “I got canceled by a left wing university and then I got canceled by a conservative Baptist seminary” (06:50).

• Critique of LGBTQ+ Movement: He critically examines the LGBTQ+ movement’s handling of same-sex parenting, suggesting that the community sometimes inadvertently undermined the very families it aimed to support. “I think the LGBT community really mishandled that whole debate, because I think they're the only community I can think of that actively went against their own children” (11:32).

Struggles with Identity and Societal Expectations

A significant portion of the discussion centers on Lopez's personal struggles with identity, particularly as a man dealing with abuse and societal expectations regarding masculinity.

• Abuse and Mental Health: Lopez candidly shares his experiences with abuse starting at age 13 and the ensuing mental health challenges. “I was abused, to be frank with you, starting at the age of 13” (13:06).

• Societal Pressures on Men: He highlights the lack of societal support for men facing mental health issues, noting the expectation to embody toughness and resilience. “The society is just not very sympathetic to men who have mental health issues” (16:29).

Overcoming Challenges and Path to Redemption

Despite the adversities, Bobby Lopez describes his journey toward healing and establishing a stable family life, emphasizing the role of faith and personal determination.

• Role of Faith: Lopez credits his faith and involvement in a supportive church community as pivotal in his recovery. “My faith was always really important. You know, the church has always been my anchor” (24:06).

• Commitment to Bettering His Family's Future: Motivated by his desire to break the cycle of his tumultuous upbringing, Lopez focuses on creating a nurturing environment for his own children. “I just knew that I was going to have kids. I just always had that feeling that I was going to have kids and I didn't want them to have to grow up the way that I grew up” (24:06).

Conclusion

In this heartfelt episode, Bobby Lopez provides a candid account of his life’s challenges and triumphs, offering valuable insights into the effects of divorce, same-sex parenting, and societal expectations on children’s development. His story underscores the importance of understanding, empathy, and creating supportive environments for children navigating complex family dynamics. Lopez’s journey from turmoil to redemption serves as an inspiring testament to resilience and the transformative power of faith and intentional parenting.

Notable Quotes

• On Early Family Dynamics:

  • “My parents were essentially divorced really before I was born.” – Bobby Lopez (00:25)

• On Struggles with Identity:

  • “I was abused, to be frank with you, starting at the age of 13.” – Bobby Lopez (13:06)

• On Societal Expectations:

  • “The society is just not very sympathetic to men who have mental health issues.” – Bobby Lopez (16:29)

• On Overcoming Challenges:

  • “I didn't want my kids to grow up the way that I grew up.” – Bobby Lopez (24:06)

Final Thoughts

Bobby Lopez's narrative is a compelling exploration of the intersections between family structure, personal identity, and societal norms. His experiences highlight the enduring impact of childhood environments on adult life and the critical need for supportive frameworks that recognize and address the unique challenges faced by children in diverse family settings. This episode of Them Before Us not only sheds light on these issues but also offers hope and guidance for those seeking to create healthier, more resilient families.