Them Before Us #077 | Family Fragmentation Isn’t Neutral—It’s Neglect | Adam B. Coleman

Summary

Podcast Summary: Them Before Us #077 | Family Fragmentation Isn’t Neutral—It’s Neglect | Adam B. Coleman

Introduction

In episode #077 of the Them Before Us podcast, host Jennifer Friesen engages in a profound conversation with Adam B. Coleman, author of The Children We Left Behind. The discussion delves into the intricate issues surrounding family fragmentation, its root causes, and the profound impact it has on children’s lives. Throughout the episode, Coleman shares his personal journey, insights from his book, and explores societal and cultural factors contributing to the neglect of children in fragmented families.

Guest Profile: Adam B. Coleman

Adam B. Coleman is the founder of Wrong Speak Publishing and a contributor to the New York Post. His writings on culture and politics are featured in various prominent outlets including Unheard, Newsweek, Daily Mail, The Telegraph, Human Events, and Dad Save America. He also manages a Substack newsletter titled "Speaking Wrong at the Right Time" and hosts the Breaking Bread podcast. Born in Detroit, Coleman was raised across multiple states, grappling with challenges such as fatherlessness, homelessness, and defining masculinity. His transition from an IT manager to a writer was fueled by witnessing the societal turmoil during the summer of 2020, prompting him to address these critical family issues through his work.

Adam’s Personal Journey and Motivation Behind the Book

Coleman’s Autobiographical Insights ([01:23] - [04:26]) Adam begins by sharing his tumultuous upbringing in a single-parent household, moving across four states before turning 18. The absence of his father profoundly affected his self-esteem and mental health, leading him to struggle with suicidal ideation. Raising his own son without a father figure, Coleman recognized that his story was not unique. He observed various forms of family dysfunction, whether personal anecdotes or broader societal issues like mass shootings and violent crimes, all tracing back to family neglect. Coleman emphasizes that while legislative measures are often touted as solutions, the core issue lies within the family structure itself, which cannot be legislated or easily fixed through policy alone.

Factors Leading to Father Absence ([04:26] - [06:33]) Coleman explains that his father’s significant age gap with his mother (50 vs. 24 years old at his birth) and the father’s pre-existing relationships contributed to his emotional absence. This detachment was not due to divorce but rather the father’s lack of commitment to the family, leading to a life where Coleman felt more connected to his peers than his own father.

Root Causes of Family Fragmentation and Societal Impact

Understanding Criminality and Homelessness ([06:33] - [17:23]) Coleman explores the notion that individuals who engage in violent or criminal behavior are often victims of trauma themselves. He posits that behaviors such as substance abuse and homelessness are coping mechanisms for deeper psychological wounds, frequently stemming from childhood trauma like abuse or neglect. Coleman uses the example of homelessness in San Francisco, arguing that simply providing housing ignores the underlying issues of addiction and trauma that keep individuals on the streets. He stresses the importance of addressing root causes rather than implementing superficial solutions.

Case Study: Jordan Neely ([11:33] - [17:23]) A significant portion of the discussion centers around the tragic case of Jordan Neely, a Black man who became violent on the subway. Jen Friesen recounts the incident where Daniel Penny restrained Neely, leading to Neely's unconscious state and subsequent legal debates. Coleman provides a detailed background of Neely, highlighting his abusive household, the murder of his mother, and his struggles within the foster care system. Neely’s descent into homelessness and mental health issues exemplifies Coleman’s argument that societal and familial neglect drives individuals towards destructive behaviors. Coleman underscores Neely’s despair with a poignant quote: “I don't care if I live, I don't care if I go to jail. Lock me up, keep me on the streets, it doesn't matter,” reflecting the utter hopelessness resulting from systemic failures.

Cultural Perspectives on Family and Parenting

Impact of Adult Choices on Children ([19:44] - [25:00]) Coleman critiques the modern cultural emphasis on individual freedom and happiness at the expense of family stability. He argues that adults often prioritize their desires over the well-being of their children, leading to fractured families. This selfishness is rationalized through societal narratives that downplay the detrimental effects on children. Coleman’s chapter titled "Socially Comfortable Terrible Parents" discusses how society often turns a blind eye to abusive or neglectful parenting, allowing harmful family dynamics to persist without intervention or accountability.

Normalization of Dysfunctional Parenting ([25:00] - [26:10]) Friesen and Coleman discuss the cultural glorification of abandoning children for personal happiness, as seen in social media trends. Coleman emphasizes the need for a cultural shift that champions responsible parenting and condemns the abandonment and mistreatment of children. He advocates for community support systems that hold parents accountable and prioritize the welfare of children over adult whims.

Hope and Redemption: Coleman’s Faith Journey and Fatherhood

Becoming a Present Father ([26:10] - [33:17]) In the latter part of the episode, Coleman shares his journey towards becoming a responsible father despite his own father's absence. Baptized in 2024, Coleman credits his faith with providing him the strength to break the cycle of neglect. He consciously decides to be present and emotionally available for his son, avoiding the mistakes he endured. Coleman discusses his disciplined approach to parenting, focusing on communication and emotional support rather than punitive measures. He highlights the importance of learning from past traumas to create a nurturing environment for the next generation.

Faith and Personal Transformation ([26:46] - [33:17]) Coleman reflects on his baptism and the role of faith in his transformation. He acknowledges the hardships he faced but finds purpose in using his experiences to help others. His commitment to personal growth and faith underscores his message of resilience and the possibility of overcoming adversity through support systems and inner strength.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Promoting Family Stability as a Societal Imperative ([33:17] - [35:03]) Jen Friesen wraps up the conversation by reinforcing the podcast’s mission to advocate for strong, stable families as the foundation for a healthy society. She emphasizes the need to counteract cultural narratives that undermine family structures and to foster environments where children are prioritized. Coleman’s insights provide a compelling argument for addressing family fragmentation as a critical issue that transcends political solutions, requiring a collective cultural and societal commitment to reinstate the sanctity and stability of the family unit.

Notable Quotes

• Adam B. Coleman ([06:33]): “Human beings do something for some reason. We all do something for whatever reason.”
• Adam B. Coleman ([17:23]): “I don't care if I live, I don't care if I go to jail. Lock me up, keep me on the streets, it doesn't matter.”
• Adam B. Coleman ([19:44]): “Children have a hard time seeing around the corner, which is why they need their parents to tell them about the circumstances of what's going on.”
• Adam B. Coleman ([25:00]): “There is no shame. There's no, hey, you know what you're doing is not right.”

Where to Find Adam B. Coleman

Listeners interested in exploring Adam B. Coleman’s work can find him on his Substack at adambcoleman.substack.com. His book, The Children We Left Behind, is available for purchase at childrenweleftbehind.com and through Wrong Speak Publishing at wrongspeak.netshop. The audiobook is set to be released by the end of April 2025 and will be available on major platforms shortly thereafter.

Final Thoughts

This episode of Them Before Us offers a sobering yet hopeful exploration of the profound effects of family fragmentation on children. Adam B. Coleman’s candid discussion illuminates the intricate web of societal, cultural, and personal factors that contribute to the neglect and dysfunction observed in many families today. By emphasizing the importance of understanding root causes and fostering a supportive cultural environment, the podcast underscores the essential role of strong family units in nurturing the next generation.

Transcript

[Adam B. Coleman]

Foreign.

[Jen Friesen]

Hey everyone. Welcome to the Them Before Us podcast. I'm your host, Jen Friesen and today we have a great conversation with Adam B. Coleman. He is the author of a book called the Children We Left Behind. He's the founder of Wrong Speak Publishing and a contributor to the New York Post. His writing on culture and politics is published regularly in Unheard, Newsweek, Daily Mail, the Telegraph, Human Events, dad Save America, and more. Additionally, Adam runs a substack, speaking Wrong at the right Time and hosts the Breaking Bread podcast. Adam was born in Detroit and but raised in a variety of states throughout America. He writes openly about his struggles with fatherlessness, homelessness and masculinity. Before turning his attention to writing, Adam worked as an IT manager. He was first inspired to make his voice heard during the summer of 2020 when he saw how riots and and political divisiveness were tearing the country apart. And Adam's joining us today to talk about his new book, the Children We Left Behind. Adam, thanks so much for being here.

[Adam B. Coleman]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Jen Friesen]

You start your book, I think about the first seven chapters or so are a little more autobiographical. You're sharing your story, so I'd love it if you would just share with our audience, maybe share a little bit of your story and your journey and then what led you to write this book in particular.

[Adam B. Coleman]

Sure, yeah. My journey basically started from my childhood growing up in a single parent home. It was myself, my mother and my sister moved around a lot as well, lived in four states before the age of 18 and all of that primarily without my father involved. I didn't really see him often. I might see him once a year that I get a phone call here and there, but I never really had a personal relationship with my father. He's much of a stranger to me. I know more about my friends than I do about father, to be honest with you. So I think that's where the, the impetus to even write something like this comes from. It's because it was my personal story, what I experienced and everything that followed from my childhood of dealing with low self esteem, suicidal ideation, things of that nature, struggling through that all while raising my son and trying to be a father, that my father wasn't being the opposite of my father and growing up to become a man and figuring out what does it mean to be a man, what does a man do, what does a man look like? It took me a long time to overcome all those different obstacles in my life to end up where I'm at today. So I wrote the book because My story isn't that uncommon. I'm seeing different forms of family separation happening around me. Whether it be impersonal stories of people that I know personally or renewed stories of mass shooting events of some sort of violent crime, you name it. There's typically some sort of family dysfunction that it stems from. That's the root cause of all of it. And often in politics we get carried away with what legislation can we do to fix this problem. But you can't legislate love in a family. You can't do it. This is a social issue. Why has it become acceptable? Why is it so widespread? So it doesn't matter who the president is in regards to if your father loves you and cares for you will sacrifice for you. Same with if your mother will care for you and sacrifice for you. So I think sometimes we too often politicize families and think that politics is the solution for all family issues, when really the family issues are very individualistic, circumstantial, and also cultural at the same time.

[Jen Friesen]

Yeah, that's really good. Thanks for sharing. Were your parents, did your parents get married? Did they get pregnant young? What were some of the factors that played into your dad not being a part of your life?

[Adam B. Coleman]

My father was married. He was just never married to my mother. So we were effectively the other kids. During the process of writing this, I actually found out that my father never had kids with his wife. You know, I always assumed that I had some sort of brother or sister out there somewhere from the marriage, but I actually have a sister somewhere from another woman, not his wife. That I'll never know. But the circumstances was my father had a massive age gap over my mother. When I was born, he was 50 and my mother was 24. And you know, when my sister was born, she was 20 and he was 46. So it was a big age difference between the two. On top of him already having a relationship with somebody else, you know, so it was inevitable that we weren't. He wasn't going to prioritize us and there wasn't going to be a long lasting relationship. So I think that's, that's like at the very core of it as to why he wasn't there. He was preoccupied with his. His other life.

[Jen Friesen]

Yeah. Something you said in your first answer leads perfectly into some other thoughts. I, I wanted to ask you about you. You share a lot of tough statistics, you know, of those that get involved in addictive behaviors or violent behaviors or crime. And something you wrote really stuck with me. You said, the man who terrorizes Your neighborhood was the victim of terrorism. His, himself. You're trying to draw some connections to that. We're seeing things, you know, much further down the line, and we see someone who's a criminal, and you're trying to connect those dots back to their past. Can you talk about that a little bit?

[Adam B. Coleman]

Yeah, that's. That's exactly it. You know, someone who's 25 doesn't wake up one day and then start terrorizing people for zero reason. There's something that I tell myself all the time. Human beings do something for some reason. We all do something for whatever reason. Whether we react in a particular way. We're ambitious for something, but we're doing something for a reason. So when someone says, oh, they ask you a question. Well, why did you ask me that question? No reason. There's a reason why you're asking me that question. So when I look at all these really difficult social issues, we look at San Francisco and the homeless on the streets, that's a big thing that people talk about. Well, why are they on the streets? One faction says, well, it's because they don't have a home. So if we just give them a place, they'll be fine. But we've seen in various circumstances, whether we give them shelter, temporary shelter, or whether we actually give them apartments, that many of them will choose to sleep on the streets because there are rules that you cannot do drugs in these apartments. So they would rather sleep on the streets than do drugs. So is it necessarily a housing issue? Well, then the question is, well, why would they rather sleep on the streets to do drugs? What about the drugs? Why are they addicted to drugs? Why are they wanting drugs that bad that they're willing to put themselves back on the streets where it's more dangerous for them than stay in somewhere that's safer? And what I found far too often is that they didn't just become drug addicts a couple years before they ended up on the streets. More often than not, they've been using drugs or drinking alcohol since they were teenagers. And so then the question is, well, why would a teenager need to drink alcohol or take drugs? And it's because they're coping with something. Often they're coping with their environment. They're coping with a traumatic event, whether it be molestation, physical abuse. They're coping with something, right? The drugs and the alcohol takes their mind off of whatever it is. On top of that, if they're taking drugs, since they're young, probably weren't in a position where they were being protected from an environment where they could take drugs and drink alcohol when they were young too. So all these things lead into what we see as the outcome. The guy who's disheveled, living on the streets with a needle in his arm. So I'm more focused, especially my background's in it. I'm more focused in root cause, in the root cause that I look over and over and over. The vast majority of these men and women who end up on the streets are victims of trauma of some sort, whether it be neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse. They're usually victims of some sort of trauma and they're struggling to deal with it. And they've turned to drugs or alcohol to cope with whatever is going on. Some of them build a dependency to the substance, which is a different story. But that is something for them to take away the pain or to take their mind off the pain. But then they always come back to it, right, because it wears off. So it just becomes this, this death spiral of a substance abuse. But to kind of answer your question, I'm looking at the root cause of it. And far too often it's coming from some sort of childhood trauma. But too often we're looking for a one, one move solution. If we just throw more money at it, you know, then we'll fix the problem if we just give them a house. At most that you might have some sort of solution is maybe if you get them off of drugs, because usually drug rehabilitation, they have some sort of therapy that's along with it. That's probably a better thing to actually help them with, but we can't even get that far. Everybody's so focused that they're living on the streets and trying to fix the house situation rather than trying to get them off of drugs and uncovering, well, what's causing you to use drugs in the first place. And that is hard. That's a lot of work. And really, I think the best circumstance for someone to get out of that is probably by having a support system around them. But obviously in most of these cases, they don't have a support system in the first place, which is why they ended up where they are. So it's a very difficult, complicated situation to deal with. And that's just one issue of homelessness and not the other issues of criminality of various forms.

[Jen Friesen]

A big kind of case study or example you gave was Jordan Neely. And for those who maybe aren't as familiar or just aren't familiar with the names, there was a situation between Jordan Neely, who was a black Man. And then a guy named Daniel Penny, who was a white man. And the story kind of went. And this was basically about as much as I heard, that Jordan Neely, who was black, was violently threatening people on a subway. And Daniel Penny, who was white, put him in a chokehold in her headlock until police got there. He was unconscious or whatever. And then there was a big kind of court case. You know, did Daniel Penny overstep? Did he kill him? You know, people on the political left immediately made it about. It was. It was racism, and it was a white man who was violently hurting a black guy. People on the political right immediately made it. It's about violence and criminality, and someone, you know, stepped in and put him in his place. What I really appreciated was not that you were. You weren't even necessarily making a judgment call on what happened on the subway itself, but you were trying to unpack this. This man, Jordan Neely, who didn't. Like you said, he didn't wake up one day. I think he was. Was he in his late 40s or 50 when he.

[Adam B. Coleman]

No, I believe he was. He had just turned 30. I think he was in his very early 30s.

[Jen Friesen]

Oh, wow. Okay. So quite young. So. But like you said, he didn't wake up at 30 and say, I'm gonna go threaten people on the subway. It wasn't like he's part of some terrorist network, and, you know, he's like a highly functioning individual, and here's my plan of what I'm gonna do. But there were all these factors. So kind of just connecting to what you were saying in your previous answer, can you just lay out a little bit like, who is Jordan Neely? What was he dealing with that sort of led him to this point?

[Adam B. Coleman]

Yeah, Jordan Neely. His story is not as uncommon as people think. He was a. He grew up in a household. 1. His. His birth father wasn't really around. From all accounts. He was living with his mother. His mother had a boyfriend. I believe he eventually got married. So that was his stepfather. But from all accounts, his stepfather was abusive to his mother and to him. So he grew up in an abusive household. What's told and made public is that one day he came home, or one day he was looking for his mother, and he wanted to go into the bedroom. His stepfather stopped him. It would prevent him from going to the bedroom. Later, they would discover his mother's body in a suitcase in New York City near a highway. And from that moment on, he was basically bouncing from different places. I believe originally, he stayed with Some family. And then he ended up, he ended up in the foster care system. From the foster care system, he essentially aged out. But in between that time, I believe he was 17 or 18 when he had to finally testify against his stepfather for his murder trial. Giving his account of what happened while he was staying in the foster care system. He was staying at foster homes that weren't feeding him. He was, from public accounts, he was being mistreated. At the very least, there is a interview that was done with his foster brother who talks very lovingly about him, about how Jordan Neely looked out for him. Oh, he sacrificed for him. The media like to show like this image of him dancing like Michael Jackson on the subway. As if that's a normal thing that people do. They just dance on the subway because they just love Michael Jackson dancing so much. When the truth was that was the only thing that he knew how to do to make money. And he was making money so he can feed himself and feed his brother who are not being fed. And so that's how he got introduced to the streets. He turned to the streets to make money so they could start to take care of themselves. He eventually aged out of the system. It went onto the streets and essentially he stayed in the streets for that entire time. I can't remember how old he was. He was either in his late 20s or very early 30s when he, when he passed away. But throughout that time he had mental health issues. It got worse and worse. I would presume he was using drugs, which doesn't help these sort of mental health issues. And from all accounts, he was a bit of a menace. He was violent towards other people. He had a long record. All those things are true, they're factually true. Without making a judgment call about whether it was self defense or not self defense. That's for other people to debate. I'm just talking about where he started and where he ended up and how he ended up there. But the, there's a quote that he had stated that I think is a very tragic quote. He essentially said, I don't remember the exact quote, but it was essentially, I don't care if I live, I don't care if I go to jail. Like, he just didn't care at all. It didn't matter to him because life was hell for him no matter what. Lock me up, keep me on the streets, it doesn't matter. And that is, that is a quote of someone who has zero hope and nothing matters to him whether he lives or dies. And that's, that's A true tragedy right there.

[Jen Friesen]

Yeah. It intersects so much with the things we talk about at them before us. We talk about when your mom, your biological mother and father are married, you're protected from those unrelated unbiologically related men in your home, which is the most dangerous thing for children. And in this case, extremely tragic, horrific, I mean, life shattering kind of thing that could happen to you is to have your mom murdered by that person in addition to just living in daily fear and violence and those sorts of things. And then, yeah, we talk about, you know, your dad being present or your mom and dad being married helps you get better grades. It helps you, you're less likely to have health challenges like diabetes and being overweight. You're, you're less likely to be involved in criminality and addiction. And like you're saying when, when we show these videos of someone dancing on the street to earn money to live, that's not What a typical 15, 16, 17, whatever age it is person needs to do. A typical teenager in a more in a safe environment, being raised by mom and dad is in school, or they're working that summer job, or they're hanging out with friends, or they're in some kind of community. They don't have to earn money to survive on the street. Right. And so, yeah, it is such a tragic picture. And like you said, it doesn't excuse. At some level, a civil authority still has to take care of citizens and protect people from crime and from those with mental illness who want to hurt people. But we like to say as well, no one gets what they want unless we, we go backwards and protect marriage and family. We don't get social justice, we don't get lower crime, we don't get smaller government, we don't get, you know, lower taxes. Both sides of the political spectrum don't get what they want until we can figure out how to protect and preserve family, mom and dad raising their children. You, you paint a really strong picture in your book about what, what it was like for you to be raised without your dad. You have some other accounts that you share in the book. From your perspective, how is our culture, especially when it comes to adult freedom, that was a big thing. You pointed out that a lot of this is just. Adults want the freedom and I want the relationships I want, but this is normalized. The idea that kids are growing up with basically biological strangers.

[Adam B. Coleman]

Yes, that's exactly it. The, the adults want to act like children. They want to act whimsical, chase things, chase happiness, be frivolous with their Choices. And they expect the children to respond like adults and just handle and be measured when it comes to any choice that they make. So whether mom or dad wants to chase some other love somewhere else and they want to get a divorce, then they rationalize it. I deserve to be happy, we'll just throw them into therapy, they'll be okay. And they just. They use all these things to rationalize all their detrimental behavior. And once again, people don't do things for zero reason, right? So why would you need to make up some sort of rationalization? And it's because you know that it's detrimental, right? But you're trying to sneak away to do the thing that you want to do. You know that it's going to make your child's life far more difficult by making this choice, which is why you come up, well, my circumstance is different, which every person who gets divorced thinks that their circumstance is different, right? So it's the narrative that we tell ourselves to validate our choices. The reason why I need to step away from your mother or your father is because of this. And then we expect our kids to understand adult dynamics when it comes to relationships, which they do not. You know, children have a hard time seeing around the corner, which is why they need their parents tell them about the circumstances of what's going on. It's even harder for them to understand why two people aren't getting along. And I think if adults understood that, you know, when you become an adult, you sometimes forget what it was like to be a kid. You remember bits and pieces in the moment, but if you see it like this, the mother and the father, especially if we're talking about a marriage situation, the mother and the father are essentially the world through a child. And by them divorcing, it is like the world has split in half, Right. And that that's a detrimental understanding as to how you move forward if the earth split in half, right? And so for them, it's catastrophic. For the adults, it's not easy, but you know what? We'll prepare for it. And they can use their adult reasoning as to how they move forward in life. But for the children, their entire world is split apart, and one adult seems happier than the other, that their life is crumbling. So I do think that there's a bit of selfishness that more than a bit of selfishness that's involved when it comes to making these choices. But the last part, I have a chapter called Socially Comfortable Terrible Parents. And this is the social aspect. The social aspect is that there are family members and friends who hang out with deadbeat parents, who hang out with abusive parents, who hang out with parents who scream at their children, mistreat them, who barely feed them, and they know this, and they say nothing about it. And they're tacitly complicit in the behavior. There is no shame. There's no, hey, you know what you're doing is not right. There's no feeling of guilt. And I've seen this personally. You know, I have anecdotal stories of an entire family knows that there's a child somewhere else, and no one says anything. It's like this open secret. Everyone knows about it, no one talks about it, and no one appears to care either way. And they just keep it moving. And so, once again, it is a terrible choice made by a parent. And it's not like it's a secret that nobody knows, which is a different story. But everyone knows. And no one tries to enforce reunification. No one tries to shame that person. No one says, no, you can't do that. You can't leave your kid behind. No one says anything. And on top of that, that person who is doing that gives a lame reason as to why they can't be in that kid's life. Oh, they're fighting me. And it's, you know, and they're making it difficult. And they got one reason, and everyone just buys it and just moves on. And that child is never brought up ever again, as if they don't. As if they don't exist. This is a pattern that I've seen and even for me, I detail in the book. Well, while writing the book, I finally looked up, like, my father's not obituary, but I looked up the funeral home that he was buried, and they had his pictures. I looked at these pictures and I saw him in a very old age. And I thought to myself, one, I don't know who any of these people are. Two, I wonder if anyone knows that he's abandoned his kids. And that's a question I'll never have answered, but I wonder that.

[Jen Friesen]

Yeah, that's such a good point. And it just, you know, if we had a. If we had a culture that promoted the kind of parenting, being a mother and being a father and being married and raising your children that we would want to see, you wouldn't have friends around you that were okay with you abandoning your kids or mistreating your children or mistreating your husband or wife, right? So. So that is a thing we can aspire to as a. As kind of a culture that Cares about marriage and family and children, to be those people to the people in our lives. We just talked about as a staff and we posted some social media about. I don't know if you've seen these reels, these videos about divorce and even a woman kind of glorifying leaving her children to go re. Partner because now she's truly happy. And Katie was talking about, you know, we're seeing, We. We're seeing this reinforced over and over. It. It can be contagious to think that there's this much happier life that looks all glossy and glorified, you know, on an Instagram reel on the other side of me abandoning my husband and children or my wife and my children. And we have to push back against a lot of that culturally.

[Adam B. Coleman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jen Friesen]

Yeah.

[Adam B. Coleman]

For.

[Jen Friesen]

For kind of a final question. You ended with a lot of hope in your book. One. One thing I thought was so beautiful, as you talk about, you're married now and you have a son, and you kind of are using your father's, the things he did wrong or just the lack of him being there as a blueprint for what not to do. And I think you've probably recognized, you know, how much you love your son, what you want to offer him, but can you talk a little bit about maybe even just your faith journey and how is it possible that you're. You're able to be a good and present father and a husband when you did not have that modeled for you?

[Adam B. Coleman]

Yeah. Well, just so people understand, I'm married today, but I never married my son's mother. And so someone asked in a previous interview and questions in the comments, how come you never got married yourself? And my answer is this. At the time, that was not my environment. I was never taught to family plan. I was never taught that you do it in this particular order. I didn't fully understand the importance of it. I did want to eventually get married at some point, but I didn't. And that was something that I was trying to achieve much throughout my adult years. It just never happened. Which I'm glad, because I love my wife very much. But if I was to say that if I knew what I knew today, I would have approached it differently. No regret from my son or anything like that. Love my son tremendously. But by me making that mistake doesn't mean that I have to teach my son to do what I did. And so I specifically told my son, do not do it in this particular order. You get married, then you have children. And here is why not just because I'm saying to do it, but I want you to understand exactly why. And that to me, we all make mistakes, but it's, do we acknowledge that we made a mistake and make sure that we don't tell people to do what I did? Do we try to warn people, hey, I shouldn't have done it this way. Don't be like me because you're setting up yourself and your children for a life of difficulty. So I just wanted to clarify that part. As far as my son goes, all I knew is that I didn't want to be my father when he was born. I didn't know what a father was, but I knew that at the very least one, I just have to be present in his life and kind of figure it out from there. And so much of his life was me trying to figure out how to be a good father while simultaneously figuring out how to be a man, because I have to teach him how to be a man. And so as I made mistakes and I learned from them, these were things that I would accumulate in knowledge that I would tell my son about to warn him or to educate him on so that he doesn't have to go through those things. So I've always kind of approached it that way. I wanted to be the father that I wanted to have. Same thing I talk about in the book, about spanking. I was spanked as a kid. When he was very small, I would pop him, but I didn't like it. I didn't feel good doing it. And I thought about when I was a kid how I already felt bad because I knew I messed up on getting yelled at, but it was like it was even worse getting hit on top of it. It was just unnecessary. I just need someone to talk to me. And so I changed my behavior. I became the father that I would have wanted, and I just didn't put my hands on my son anymore. And I didn't tell him, I'm not going to spank you anymore. I just didn't do it. And from that moment on, anytime he messed up, he might get punished. But I would talk to him. I would always talk to him. I might yell at him, but then I would always talk to him and explain to him why I'm upset, why I'm disappointed, what he could have done. And I would encourage him that, you can do this. I expect more from you. That's why I'm upset. These types of things I didn't really get. And it's not a shot at my mother or anything like that. You know, my Mother is trying to raise two kids by herself, and she's stressed. And, you know, she has a lot going on, which I understand more as an adult than I did when I was a kid, so. And the other thing you mentioned was me coming to Christ last year. I was baptized. My mother was there, and my sister, my nephews, my uncle and my aunt were all there to see me get baptized in Georgia. And my son actually wasn't able to come because he was preoccupied with stuff. But to do that, to make promises to God in front of my family, means everything. Like, I think about that often. The promises I told. I told to God what I was going to do and how I was going to conduct myself moving forward. But after that, I talked to my mother, and she reminded me that when I was very small, I used to carry around the Bible and wear, like, this little kid suit and talk to people about Jesus and read them Scripture. And I don't even remember any of that. Right. And so for me, it was like. It's like coming back to where. Where I was supposed to be in the first place. And I think that life. Life happened to me. There was. There's so many things that happened to me. We moved around a lot. Going into a mental hospital, all these different things were happening to me, and I felt abandoned and I lost sight of God. And I do think that God is far more patient than the average person. And I am here today because this is where I was actually supposed to be. And withstanding all these different hurdles that I experienced as a kid, as a young adult, do end up here. And I think the biggest thing I took away was that not all pain is without purpose. And that's what I'm trying to do with this book, is to use those very painful things that I went through, I struggled with, and provide some sort of purpose, connecting with people to show that it takes a lot of strength to endure those particular things and still make it out on the other side. And if I can do it, other people can do it.

[Jen Friesen]

That's so good, Adam. Well, yeah. And, you know, them Before Us is not a Christian organization, but I'm a Christian. And so just listening to your story and hearing it just. God has so obviously had his hand on your life, and the fact that you can now share and be vulnerable is such a huge deal, especially for men, I think, to know. But to know that it's not. You're not stuck in this hopeless place, even when you haven't had that background of, you know, the. The family that was married and stayed together and you had this functional, you know, kind of classic upbringing, but that God is can. Can use, like you're saying, your pain not only in your life and to help you be a powerful voice, but, yeah, to encourage other people. So we're so thankful for that and for your life and your writing. Where can people find you going forward?

[Adam B. Coleman]

Definitely my substack adambcolman substack.com the book can be purchased anywhere. They can definitely go to the children we left behind.com purchase it there. Or they can buy it directly from Wrong Speak so they can go to wrongspeak.netshop and purchase it from there. The audiobook should be out by the end of April, but it is starting to. We loaded it a little bit late, but it's starting to populate, so it'll be on the major platforms in just a couple weeks. Okay.

[Jen Friesen]

Awesome. That's amazing. Everyone go get the book, the children we left behind, read it, and then maybe give it to a friend. We just need to understand what's happening to the majority of kids in even the Western countries, right? Even the developed countries. And we're really setting kids back, but it'll be helpful and we can forge a new way forward for marriage and family and children. So, Adam, thanks so much for your writing and thanks for joining us today.

[Adam B. Coleman]

Thank you. I appreciate it.